Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Overwhelmed by Parenting Advice? Here’s the Truth
0 Playsin 1 day
Are you overwhelmed by parenting advice — and wondering if you’re doing it wrong?
In this episode, pediatrician Dr. Rebekah Diamond explains why modern parenting feels louder and more confusing than ever — and how to filter social media, marketing, and online parenting advice without losing confidence in yourself.
You worked intentionally to become a parent.
You want to do this right.
But the constant stream of parenting tips, newborn overwhelm, and influencer opinions can make anyone doubt themselves.
In this episode, we break down:
• Why modern parenting culture fuels insecurity
• How to tell the difference between evidence-based parenting advice and marketing
• What newborns actually need in early parenthood
• When to call your pediatrician — and when reassurance is enough
• How to rebuild parental confidence and trust your instincts
This conversation isn’t about ignoring science. It’s about understanding it — and filtering out the noise so you can parent with clarity, calm, and confidence.
Whether you’re a new parent or preparing to bring your baby home after fertility treatment or surrogacy, this episode offers grounded, practical guidance to help you move forward feeling supported and steady.
Recommended
Transcript
Societal Pressures and Parental Intuition
00:00:00
Speaker
You know, there's this machine out there telling parents and people who want to be parents that something is deficient, right? Like that there is something about you that is broken, something about either you're trying to be a parent or the process of being a parent or being a parent itself that is just not working. And sometimes that's true and you really do need help. And sometimes that's not true. so For intended parents, that message can land especially hard.
00:00:24
Speaker
You work so hard to finally get to baby through infertility, surrogacy, or egg donation. And then suddenly you're dropped into early parenthood, surrounded by opinions, influencers, and advice that all seem to contradict each other. You want to do the right thing.
00:00:41
Speaker
You want to keep your baby safe. And it can start to feel like everyone else knows something that you don't. It starts so early. it starts in this culture of You know, trying to have social media for a lot, you know, for a lot of people kind of put you down and make you think you're lacking. And i think a lot of this marketing and, you know, advertising type stuff and just the general culture of social media leaves people even more vulnerable these days than they used to be. As a pediatrician, Dr. Rebecca Diamond sees the impact of that noise every day.
00:01:15
Speaker
And as a parent, she's experienced firsthand how overwhelming it can be to sort through the advice that isn't always rooted in medical evidence, especially when it's delivered with confidence and urgency.
00:01:28
Speaker
Her work is about helping parents pause, filter, and reconnect with something essential, their own intuition. There's a difference between you know guidance that sort of empowers you and advice that is just telling you what to do and telling you how you're lacking and telling you what to buy. You are a very capable person.
00:01:49
Speaker
The skills are all
Navigating Online Advice and Trusting Intuition
00:01:50
Speaker
there. In today's episode, Dr. Rebecca Diamond helps parents navigate early parenthood with more confidence and less fear. We talk about how to evaluate advice, especially online, how to recognize what's evidence-based and how to lean into your intuition.
00:02:06
Speaker
If you're about to bring a baby home, if you're already in the thick of it and second-guessing yourself, if you want to move forward feeling informed, supported, and steady, this conversation is here to remind you. that you don't need to know everything to be a good parent.
00:02:22
Speaker
You just need the right support and the confidence to trust yourself. Enjoy.
00:02:29
Speaker
Okay, so just right off the bat, you you know in your books and on you know your social platforms and everything, you often say that the internet broke parenting. And I keep thinking about how true that feels and can especially feel true for those who have spent years navigating infertility. you know, they've already absorbed so much information um and advice and pressure to do everything right. And it can just feel so overwhelming before they even start the parenting part of things. So from your perspective as both a pediatrician and a mom, why does early parenthood feel so overwhelming right now, even for people who are deeply prepared and deeply wanted to have this child?
00:03:24
Speaker
Yeah, I think you're exactly right. It's just, you know, there's this machine out there of direct to consumer, you know, telling parents and people who want to be parents that something is deficient, right? Like that there is something about you that is broken, something about either you're trying to be a parent or the process of being a parent or being a parent itself that is just not working. And sometimes that's true and you really do need help. And sometimes that's not true or sometimes it's true and the help you need isn't the help you're getting. I think that's something that happens a lot where, know,
00:03:57
Speaker
the help that you're getting or the advice you're getting is really an attempt to sell something or an attempt to take advantage of the fact that you are so vulnerable in this
Overcoming Emotional Exhaustion in Parenting
00:04:05
Speaker
moment. And I, you know, my everyone's parenting journey is so different. So I, you know, didn't have really significant fertility struggles or, you you know, have a lot of trouble getting to pregnancy. But once I was pregnant, it was extremely fraught. I was extremely anxious. i had a lot of physical issues. And then once I was a, you know, a mom and in all the postpartum chaos, I felt just as vulnerable to all the information that was coming my way. um
00:04:32
Speaker
And so the whole idea of the internet breaking parenting and how do we tune out some of this noise, how do we keep the good but get rid of the bad, really came from a personal place for me of being so, so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information out there and just not understanding how I could find the stuff that was good and realistic and scientific and, you know, trustworthy and kind of get rid of the rest of the 99% of stuff that was making me feel worse.
00:05:02
Speaker
um in the process. So yeah i think you're exactly right. It starts so early. it starts in this culture of, you know, trying to have social media for a lot, you know, for a lot of people kind of put you down and make you think you're lacking. And i think a lot of this marketing and, you know, advertising type stuff and just the general culture of social media leaves people even more vulnerable these days than they used to be.
00:05:30
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. and I feel like so many new parents across the board, but particularly you know in you know a lot of intended parents, they are already coming to parenthood already exhausted emotionally, mentally, financially. i mean, just from everything it took to even get there.
00:05:56
Speaker
How do you help parents shift from that survival mode into trusting themselves as capable parents and being able to weed through, like you said, that 99% of misinformation or just trying to sell you something or putting you down that you can so easily find?
00:06:25
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I think it's really, really hard, right? Because you've been set up to feel like you're sort of beaten down and deficient, even if, you know, your struggles weren't as bad as other people's struggles. You know, everyone has their own struggles through fertility and pregnancy, but kind of no matter what, you've been put in this mindset from the beginning of of just being overwhelmed, of being exhausted, of being depleted. and so you're going from that, you know, of course there's excitement. I'm not saying it's all like you know, a terrible drain, the whole process. There's, you know, the good and the bad, but there's really a, you're really coming at this pretty depleted and you're right to then shift into how do I shift into the mindset of actually I am enough. Actually, I can be overwhelmed and exhausted, but still deep down have enough in my core, have enough, you know, instinct and capability and savvy that I can start to trust myself again. i think that's really hard. And You know, I try to focus and be practical um about it. I mean, I think, first of all, there's a lot of just psychological work you have to do with yourself. So for me, that involves therapy. I'm pretty open about that because I did struggle a lot, pregnancy and postpartum. And so really working with therapists, mental health providers to say,
00:07:44
Speaker
How do I come at this from a more positive place, given everything I've been through and given how much postpartum stress I have? um It's just a practical thing you can do, you know, checking in with yourself and getting that support. But then there's other practical things like, okay, I, the internet is giving me a million different things to look at. How do I narrow it down? How do I choose the top three or four places that I'm going to find my information and set boundaries around the rest? Um, you know, and for me, I, I really struggled to find things that were comprehensive enough for me as a pediatrician mom, which is why I went ahead and decided to write two books. Um, but instead of doing that, you can find other people that you, and I still have other people I can rely on too, of course, but, you know, you can make your own arsenal and maybe people like me who have medical backgrounds are part of it, or maybe for you, you need to focus more on just the specifics of what a schedule looks like and you want to find someone who has, you know, needs that are similar to yours and has a perspective similar to yours. So I i like to say there's like a really big range of options out there of what is safe and realistic. um And as long as you're staying within the boundaries of what's realistic to you and what is safe and scientific, um that's really kind of the best you can do. But yeah, I think it's a big mindset, self-care kind of thing.
00:09:11
Speaker
self-care kind of growth mentality kind of shift that you're doing, but then also setting some practical things like how do I limit the overwhelming information?
Rebuilding Intrinsic Trust and Confidence
00:09:21
Speaker
And by limiting that information, well, if there isn't an answer that tells me you must do exactly this, then maybe I have the answer inside of me actually.
00:09:29
Speaker
And I can just try something knowing that if it doesn't go perfectly, then I'll try something else. But that, that trust, that intrinsic trust, trust in ourself has been really eroded by the information out there.
00:09:42
Speaker
I think. Yes. I was going to say you, you talk a lot about, you know, just, just confidence and just, you know, the importance of kind of having that natural confidence that can come, but it does feel like whenever you have this amazing tool of, i can find out anything from, you know, just the click of a button, you do kind of lose that,
00:10:10
Speaker
ability to tap into that voice because of of all of that noise. Why is that, you know, when when you keep looking outward for answers, instead of learning to trust what a parent sees in themselves, why is that so important to to tap into?
00:10:32
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I think it's just kind of universal to how we learn in the world. And yeah we're seeing we're seeing this more and more. you know I'm not an expert by any mean in educational theories or developmental theories for adult learning. But there there is literature out there that shows that if you don't push yourself to be more autonomous in decision-making and you don't get pushed,
00:10:54
Speaker
to to practice kind of finding the answers from within. um You get this sort of learned helplessness of I always need the answers from someone else. And confidence does start to wear doubt. I mean, AI is a whole different category, but they're starting they're starting to see that with people. And I'm an AI user. So this is in no way me throwing shade at anyone. I use AI a ton. but is that But they're finding that the more we use it or if we use it in more core ways for our decision making, the less confidence we kind of have an ability in our own decision making. And that that makes sense. your Your body and your brain become dependent on these external validation tools and this external feedback. And I think, you know, even before AI, just with social media, just with internet searches and, you know, so-called mommy groups and mommy forums, like, We've always had resources. We've always had community supports, but we just haven't had this quantity of information. um And it's often contradictory and you can find sort of what you want to meet your needs, or you can find what you want for the situation, or you can find something that totally doesn't make sense for you. And then makes you feel like, oh my God, I don't know if I've been doing anything right. Cause this is the opposite of what I wanted to do. yeah and that's just someone's opinion, but it's said with such a authority that all of a sudden you feel bad about yourself. um
00:12:15
Speaker
So it's it's like a muscle, right? Confidence. I'm not necessarily the most confident parent instinctively either. um It's really hard to be confident at this thing you've literally never done before and don't have a ton of exposure to anymore. You know, we don't live in these communities with kids running around and kids in our homes before we're parents ourselves. So it it really is.
00:12:41
Speaker
It's this really new, really heavy, big responsibility that we're taking on, that we have to take this leap of faith. And it didn't come easily to me to be confident, but I just had to remind myself, okay, I get in a certain amount of information. i process it. I look in myself and I exercise, I practice. I build this muscle of confidence.
00:13:02
Speaker
And with time, you start to realize, oh, yeah, I made that choice. I told myself I was going to allow an hour of screen time because I just had to and i had to get work done. And i didn't really want to do it initially, but then it was fine.
00:13:16
Speaker
You know, and I did it. And then I realized everything was OK. And so that sort of stressor was out of the way. And then I can focus on the next decision. And then maybe the next decision i don't do as well. I decide I'm gonna change around an app schedule and it doesn't go great. And my kid is screaming at me and everyone's melting down. and I say, okay, well, next time maybe I don't come to that conclusion. but But nothing catastrophic happened because I was making choices within the realm of safety, you know? um But I think, yeah, that success, when you earn your own success with making a decision, it it just, it feels that much better, you know?
00:13:55
Speaker
Yeah. No, 100%. And it really, like you said, it kind of gives you know, um that acknowledgement that you maybe were seeking from, you know, a different source of, you know, oh, well, this influencer does the same thing I'm doing. So clearly I'm doing it right. Or, you know, whatever it may be like you said, you kind of, you've had that, that earned success. Right.
00:14:20
Speaker
I want to jump on, because you've said it a couple of times, this idea of safe, scientific, i'm you know, and just having those boundaries put in place.
Discerning Evidence-Based Advice
00:14:35
Speaker
We see it so much now, I i feel like now more than ever, you you have I mean, i know for like, at least my algorithm is always serving me. Here's this new vitamin or here's this new tactic or, you know, just whatever it may be, you know, Hey, does your kid not eat vegetables? Well, here's this, you know, packet that you can put in or, you know, just whatever it may be.
00:15:03
Speaker
And it is kind of hard to discern, discern Is, is this a place of science or, you know, or is this just like who, when you say that, you know, all the doctors say this is great, what does that actually mean? And, you know, just that kind of thing. How can you make your way through the noise of all of that?
00:15:25
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's that's such a good point. It is so hard. Like it's harder by the minute these days. I mean, we have a country that's just this trust in science and the foundation of science is just eroding, you know, by the second and it's getting harder and harder to discern everything. Yeah.
00:15:43
Speaker
you know, I kind of asked myself the same thing, like I'm a pediatrician, so I can have a sense of, okay, I know it kind of where the limits lie of basic, you know, infant and childhood safety, but how do other people know besides just constantly finding a pediatrician to check in with online or make, you know, making sure every single decision. And ultimately what I was hopeful in, you you know, the goal of my books and my platform and just my kind of general brand of advice was, trying to a little bit restore the relationship that you have with your own pediatrician. Because the point of your pediatrician is is to be that boundary, right? It's not necessarily, you know, they they will end up giving you parenting advice in the sense that the the lines between
00:16:29
Speaker
pediatric medicine and parenting are very blurry. So talking about sleep is talking about parenting and feeding is parenting and all of that. But ultimately, you know, the pediatrician is there to help you find out, you know, what is in that safe kind of realm of different things. And I'll be honest, part of the motivation of what I do came around the fact that some of the guidance from some pediatricians and some pediatric groups can feel a little bit unrealistic, right? They can feel like you have to do everything exactly by the book or that you're not doing it right at all. um
00:17:05
Speaker
And that if you don't follow things a hundred percent, then you're, you know, you have to get rid of all science. You might as well have not even talked to your pediatrician. And so there is a lot of work to be done by pediatric groups themselves. I think we have a lot of work to take on and in how we communicate with parents and how realistic we are and You know, this may extend to individual pediatricians too, but um ultimately, if you find a pediatrician that you connect with who you feel like, you know, is giving you reputable advice that follows standard guidelines around
00:17:38
Speaker
you know modern medicine, modern science, but also has a realistic sense of what makes sense for your family, then they can be you know a check-in point for you. And you can sort of tell yourself, oh, I don't have to take on all the worry myself. I can make these choices that kind of make the best sense for me. And then if I'm not sure, i can check in with this person. um i i do think you can also do a little bit of screening on your own about the types of information you're even letting yourself receive to begin to you know begin with online. So i like to say, like there's just you know there's no way that you could do a fine tune like vetting of every single person that you ever come across on the internet and take some advice. You're not gonna go there and
00:18:27
Speaker
you know, go through and look up their entire history before you take their tips on a recipe or whatever. But if you are taking advice, that's a little more health focused. So if someone is giving you advice about something like a medication or diet your kid should take, or decision to vaccinate or the decision to do a certain type of, you know, strict sleep schedule, just you can take a minute to say, oh, does this person have a conflict of interest? Does this person have the right expertise? You know, does this person have my best interests at heart?
00:19:00
Speaker
it's okay that they want to make money. Everyone is here to make money, but are they doing so ethically? Are they doing so just to shield products? And, you know, are they really extremist? Is everything all or none? are they a little more flexible? and These are some of the screening questions I think can help you. But ultimately, if you can't tell,
00:19:20
Speaker
um The reality is there are plenty of sources of information that are pretty transparent and reputable and follow evidence-based guidelines, but also try to be realistic and work with you. And hopefully that's things like pediatrician parents like me and your own pediatrician who I think can can help sort of guide you um along the way.
00:19:41
Speaker
Yeah. Going along, you you mentioned, you know, the the premise of even, you know, starting your book was, you know, as a, as a pediatrician prior to being a mom, you know, you were giving the advice and the next steps and then soon to find out, you know, what's in the book isn't always realistic.
00:20:03
Speaker
What does good enough parenting actually look like in that newborn stage from a pediatrician's perspective?
00:20:14
Speaker
Oh, that's a great question. You know, newborns really don't need a lot. And that's, I know that's maybe not a revelation to people, but it was kind of a revelation to me. I thought I was going to be like the best new parent ever. I was a pediatrician. I was type A. Yeah.
00:20:31
Speaker
I was going to do everything perfectly. And I was, you know, for me, I was a little more focused on some of the quote unquote rules, like my baby was going to nap the exact correct number of hours that, you know, existed and was going to eat the exact right amount of this and was going to have 100% milk and all this and the other thing. If other people, it might be different goals that are a little more perfectionist-like related. I'm going to do all the activities with them, I'm going to do all the photo shoots, or I'm going to, I don't know. You can come up with a whole wide world of different things. All the above. What I realized was had to keep this thing alive, and I had to hold it and love it and feed
00:21:15
Speaker
And that's kind of all I had to do for the first few months of life. You they're these vulnerable little things that they want. They want a lot of contact and snuggles and love, and they want to be fed and they want to sleep a lot and you got to change them, but you don't have to do much else besides that. um Now i was lucky that I didn't have to agonize over any sort of medical decisions. I, you know, I knew that my kids were going to get all the birth interventions and preventative measures. I knew they were going to get all their vaccines on time. i knew that they were going to be fed enough to, you know, thrive, but I did struggle with perfectionism over things like breastfeeding and versus formula feeding. And i did really let myself get away from good enough parenting because, you know, good enough parenting is more than good enough. It's really hard to do. It's really hard to
00:22:12
Speaker
keep this baby warm and fed and happy. You know, it's exhausting, especially with how little support we have. it really, it's, it doesn't look like so much. It just looks like taking care of yourself, keeping your baby warm and fed and happy and you know, living. and And then as they get older and all that immediate crisis period sort of fades away and you get a little bit more sleep, then i think if you haven't pushed yourself to the brink, you'll have maybe a little bit more reserve to say, okay, now I want to try to do music classes or whatever. Not that you have to do music classes, but if that was something that was fun for you, you could do that. And then you wouldn't have, you know, spendt all your
00:22:58
Speaker
you know, blood, sweat, and tears, stressing like I did because I had to introduce formula before I wanted to. You could just say, well, I kept them fed and I breastfed too which is what I wanted personally. And now I have a little more energy to take them to the library now that it's not, you know, frigid out or whatever.
00:23:18
Speaker
um yeah, so yeah i I think good enough is more than good enough. ah I think that sentiment is... So important because I think I know for me, at least as a parent, very early on, I i was that classic parent of my first child.
00:23:40
Speaker
You know, I I quote unquote, you know, did did all of the things like, OK, they they have to have. baby food that I made. And, you know, we have to have a certain amount of tummy time and, you know, just whatever it was. Um, and then, and then I had spontaneous twins and it was just survival mode at that point. And it was, you know, it's, um it's amazing the difference in parenting that took place of exactly that of being able to kind of forgive myself and and be, you know, Hey, I have kept three humans alive today.
Transitioning to Confident Parenting
00:24:12
Speaker
We're doing great. Yeah. It's amazing. It's truly amazing. It is It is. No, you're so right. And I think we, you know, it's so easy to to look at the highlight reel of, you know, of social media or to search on the internet and you know, you almost find that you kind of reinforce that negative narrative of, oh my gosh, well, I i didn't do XYZ when they were five and now they're 13. Did I just royally screw them up? Like, you know, what what's going to happen now? And it's so easy to fall into that fear.
00:24:48
Speaker
And you do have to kind of tap into that voice of, it's okay. The internet didn't exist before before us like we're and and we're alive today. like It's going to be okay. I was just reminded that you were talking about you know people, especially people in your community and you know people in our community who have been really inundated with stress and overload of information since, you know, even thinking about getting pregnant. So it's hard to switch the mentality of, of good enough is more than good enough because we haven't been allowed to think that for months, years at this point. So yeah, I think, um I think just reminding, you know, being kind to ourselves as we try to make that
00:25:36
Speaker
that transition that it's not our fault that we've been primed to feel like this at all. And it takes really a lot of active work to to shift over to that confidence mindset.
00:25:47
Speaker
um It's just something that I think is really important. For sure. We'll get right back to the show. But real quick, if you're dreaming of growing your family through egg donation or surrogacy, we'd love to help.
00:26:00
Speaker
At Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions, we've spent 18 years guiding hopeful parents with compassion, expertise, and personal experience. Our team includes people who have been intended parents, surrogates, egg donors, and even nurses.
00:26:14
Speaker
So when we say we understand, we truly do. You can schedule a free 15 minute call with our team at create a happy family.com to get your questions answered and explore your next steps.
00:26:26
Speaker
You don't have to navigate this journey alone. We're here to walk it with you. All right, let's get back to the show.
Feeding and Sleeping Flexibility
00:26:32
Speaker
Are there maybe just some kind of common categories of parenting advice you wish that parents felt more permission to let go of, especially maybe in those early days?
00:26:48
Speaker
Yes, 100%. I really wish feeding um were allowed to be a little bit more intuitive. And it's hard, right? Because babies can have issues with feeding and the early days with establishing feeding can be tricky, especially if breastfeeding is a goal of yours. And I actually recently became an IBCLC, which is a lactation consultant, because I really wanted to be able to support my patients and you know families better in how we make this decision of whether we're going to try breastfeeding, which I feel like is usually worthwhile and how much we're going to work on exclusive breastfeeding as best we can versus when we're going to start using supplementation. So both what types of different milks and foods we're going to use and also how frequently we're feeding babies. You know, I've seen parents getting really, really stressed and having specific schedules and structures. and really wanting to quantify what babies eat because there's so many schedules out there online and so many different, you know, consultants and this and the other thing. And the reality is babies are pretty bad at most things, but they're pretty good at eating.
00:28:01
Speaker
And so in most cases, not, not all cases, you know, some babies have some challenges, but in most cases, if you offer them the right amount of milk, they're going to get the right amount of milk. And so,
00:28:14
Speaker
this kind of mentality of we just offer kids the amount they need and they will take what they need. And we stress less about what we're offering and how frequently and try to be a little more flexible. Again, it's a little more challenging in the beginning, but it extends to things like picky eating and as kids get older and become toddlers and older kids and their their overall relationship with food. um I think this is that's a big one. I wish parents could realize that you know setting a sort of calmer, more confident relationship with food and feeding is much more important than measuring the exact amount of you know milk or formula that a baby gets. Cause they will be fed as long as you're working with your pediatrician and offering what the baby needs. um your baby will get enough food.
00:29:02
Speaker
So that that's like my biggest category. And um my second category is pretty similar, which is around sleeping. It's the same idea. I think there's a lot of stress and anxiety around our babies getting enough sleep. Are they on the right schedules?
00:29:17
Speaker
um And this one is almost easier than especially for newborns and and little kids than um than feeding is because at the end of the day, like as long as you're not forcing newborns and babies to stay awake, they're going to sleep and get the sleep they need. And so um obviously we need schedules for lives to work out and for us to be able to function and thrive, but to be so rigid and so worried about the hours of sleep a baby's getting or the exact schedule they're doing, that's something that I wish parents had a little permission to trust themselves with.
00:29:57
Speaker
Yeah. on And this is a very specific question. When it comes to, you know, feeding, you know, a a lot of our intended parents are, you know, using a surrogate. And so they our breastfeeding is not necessarily part of their journey. And so it's choosing between, you know, either getting donor milk or asking their surrogate to pump for them or just going straight to formula. And there's a lot of stress kind of around, you know, quote unquote, making the right choice.
00:30:33
Speaker
What advice or you know just just words of wisdom, would you want to give to you you know an intended parent in that specific situation?
00:30:46
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, that is such a good point because eve even without those added layers of complexity and challenge, it's already such a fraught decision that has so much misinformation and so much pressure boiled into it. So I can't imagine having this extra layer of, oh my gosh, do I ask someone else to pump? Do I You know, and what does that look like in my situation? Do I have to pursue donor milk? That's not the easiest thing to do in this country. And it costs a lot of money. It's not always regulated to find donor milk. Is that a safer choice than just doing formula? I think at the point at which any of these decisions are feeling like they're causing problems,
00:31:29
Speaker
excessive stress. I think that's a real signal to take a step back and just first remind yourself your baby's going to be fed. Formula is wonderful. I am a lactation consultant and pediatrician who very strongly adores and is grateful for formula. It's why so many babies are alive. um the number of reasons baby needs formula, you know, are are nearly infinite and it includes breastfed babies. So i i just can't say enough how formula is not the enemy. And we can say that we love breast milk while also saying we love formula. We can love them both in different situations. um So if you are struggling having this, having this angst, if it's feeling like something that's putting pressure and stress, take a step back and ask yourself,
00:32:15
Speaker
Would it just be a better situation for my family i to have formula? And again, I'm not dissuading you in every situation from pursuing breast milks. For some people, that is worth pursuing in specific situations. I can't pretend to speak to every situation, but chances are if this is causing needless stress and there is healthy, safe, wonderful, miraculous infant formula that could just come in and save the day, i would really strongly consider that. And I would talk to someone like a trusted pediatrician or a trusted source or a really savvy lactation consultant about, you know, what your journey is going to look like and understand that whatever you choose, whatever...
00:32:58
Speaker
chooses you, you know, whatever situation ends up finding you from logistical reasons, from preference reasons, your baby's going to thrive because your baby just needs a healthy, happy parent that gives them food. Yeah.
00:33:12
Speaker
That's really it. All the other stuff is, you know, that's the details and, and that is, that is going to pan out how it will, you know, regardless of the stress.
00:33:25
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Again, you know, a lot of our intended parents, you know they they're becoming parents through surrogacy, egg donation, both.
00:33:37
Speaker
And often there's this fear of how are they going to bond with their child? From your clinical perspective, what actually creates bonding in those early days?
Bonding and Newborn Care Basics
00:33:55
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that I love that question. um you know it's and I'm gonna answer it somewhat obliquely because i you know i was biological mom. I didn't, you know, I carried without a donor, without a surrogate. And I actually struggled with bonding at the beginning.
00:34:14
Speaker
um And I have, you know, I had a little bit of medicalization that contributed. We had to go back to the hospital. i had some breastfeeding struggles, severe postpartum depression and anxiety. And so bonding is, you know, is a complex thing in the sense that the struggles to bond or the joys of bonding happen in their own way in every situation. So i don't think that there needs to be any sort of blanket worry of I'm not going to be able to bond with my baby.
00:34:43
Speaker
That is a worry, just so you know, that is shared by everyone. And if it's not shared by everyone, it is experienced by many once the baby is here. um and so I will say the antidote to that is kind of two things. One is taking care of yourself and That is something that is easier said than done, but getting yourself the psychological supports, the logistical supports, you know prioritizing how much time and and resources that you're going to have with this new creature that you're now responsible for and taking care of, that you know that is the huge thing that essentially will facilitate bonding. And the other is just physical contact.
00:35:24
Speaker
Babies and you know their caretakers are meant to bond just by just by skin to skin, by holding each other, by you know by meeting each other's needs, by you meeting their feeding needs, by you meeting their basic care needs, but snuggling. And you can anyone can skin to skin.
00:35:42
Speaker
I love, you know, anyone can have a bare chest and have a naked little baby and put them there and then put the blanket over it and just do some snuggles like that. um releases all sorts of hormones for everyone and is absolutely the way that you start bonding.
00:35:59
Speaker
why What are maybe some common worries you see in those first few days, especially back at home, that are actually really normal?
00:36:14
Speaker
And when should parents call their pediatrician without hesitation? Yeah. And when is reassurance just enough? Yeah. So my blanket statement is if you're really worried, you can always call your pediatrician. We, I mean, yes, we're busy, but we love to have the question where it's actually fine. That's great. That's the best case scenario. We love a baby. okay. For sure.
00:36:40
Speaker
So if you are panicked and you're scrolling online and you can't tell if your baby hiccuping is normal or not, and you call us and we tell you it is, great. You know, we're happy to have done it. um But, you know, other common things that are usually probably fine have to do, you know babies do weird stuff. They hiccup, they make weird faces, they roll their eyes, Sometimes they sometimes they don't poop for a few days. you know Usually within the first few days they do. And so if they really haven't before you left the hospital, that's a different story. But they may not poop every day. um They may sleep for a longer stretch than normal. But as long as you can wake them up to feed, that's usually okay. They may...
00:37:23
Speaker
miss a feed and then do three more feeds the next time. Things like that are okay. So I think understanding the range of what to expect is really helpful. But ultimately, if you're just not sure and you're like, this could be fine, but i just, my gut tells me there's a chance that something's wrong, just reach out and your pediatrician will be happy to talk you through it. Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:37:49
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and again, I think that just reinforces, you know, that your, your own confidence in listening to your gut and having permission to, to call and not be seen as, you know, oh I'm bothering you or oh you know, i um, now this person's going to think that I am, you know, just over the top or helicopter or whatever.
00:38:16
Speaker
if it makes you sleep at night. It's worth it. Absolutely. Yeah. So switching gears just a little bit for, for parents of donor conceived children, what information helps pediatricians provide the best care right from the beginning and what tends to maybe matter less than parents might expect?
00:38:43
Speaker
Mm-hmm. know, that's a great question. i we, you know, pediatricians are doctors. We love a good medical history. um But in the first few days of life, there's not a huge amount that we need to know from family and medical history. Like, you know, yeah like we were talking about babies are babies. Like,
00:39:04
Speaker
they sort of will act a variety of different ways. They'll meet their basic needs. And if they don't, then we figure it out. um But a lot of the stuff we do in medicine, a lot of the screening things and health checks are universal. And so if you are born in a, you know, born in the hospital setting and you opt into all the preventative measures And you decide to do the newborn screen, which is a really great test. It's like a tiny drop of blood from a heel prick that you can get tested for like all these different genetic conditions that we can address early on. They do a congenital heart screening in the hospital. They do a hearing test. They do all these things.
00:39:46
Speaker
the The reason we have all that is that you don't have to be responsible for their, you know, your baby's entire medical background and medical history in those first few days. And so thinking off the top of my head, it's always, like it's always great to know a medical history if you do, especially as, you know, kids grow up, but, you know, it's, it might not be the make or break thing.
00:40:12
Speaker
that you think, you know, in those, in those first minutes, to days, to weeks, to years. For, for parents who maybe, because again, I think, you know, to your point, ah in in the very beginning, it really is just a universal, you know,
00:40:29
Speaker
Is the baby sleeping? Is the baby eating? And, you know, just all of those things. But eventually, you know, and like you said, everybody, you know, needs a good medical history.
00:40:39
Speaker
But maybe for parents who feel nervous about bringing up donor conception with a pediatrician, what's a simple, confident way to frame that conversation without making it feel heavy or maybe, you know, too medicalized?
00:40:56
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, i my hope is always that parents, you know, I know things are challenging for sure. I struggle at the doctor too. The amount of nervousness I experience with my own doctor or my pediatrician is hilarious. I get like anxious. I i don't know if I should say this. I don't know how to bring this up. I hope they don't judge me. And I'm like, what are you talking about?
00:41:16
Speaker
like You know, it's fine. You know, they, you know what they're asking and you know why. um But I would say, yeah, just, just say it if you can, you know, they hopefully will be good about giving you an intro and saying, you know, any, any issues in pregnancy or any history from the pregnancy we should know about anything you know, hopefully we're being relatively neutral and open. Anything from the pregnancy you should know about, you could just say it's a donor conception.
00:41:44
Speaker
And then we would probably say, okay, and that might be that. um But if we don't give you an opening, just, I think it would be great to tell us. um I think again, because it just helps with some of the medical history stuff later on, but it's not a make or break, you know, in any ways. And um especially in those early days. It's not going to change a whole lot, but it's it's great. Again, more information is always better.
00:42:11
Speaker
A lot has changed in donor conception, you know, over just the past decade from, you know, once upon a time it was anonymous was really a thing and now there's no such thing as anonymity anymore and, you know, just all of those things.
00:42:27
Speaker
But for parents who may not have shared that part of their child's story with their pediatrician yet, you know, I think to your point, having a full understanding of medical history, while it may not be vital in those first few, you know, days, months, and maybe even first year,
00:42:48
Speaker
It does eventually become a real, it is a really important part of your kiddo. If the parents haven't shared that part of their child's story with the pediatrician yet, what guidance would you offer now and how can they move forward?
00:43:03
Speaker
Yeah. Um, That's a great question. again, it's easier said than done, but I think you'll be surprised. And I really hope this is true, you know, for, for all the pediatricians I know with how not a big deal it'll be once you bring it up in terms of it shouldn't be awkward, it shouldn't be uncomfortable. No one should make it a bigger deal than it is. I think we'll just be happy to hear it. So at any point that you're meeting with a pediatrician and you said something like, oh, I forgot when you're reviewing the medical history, if you literally said, oh, I forgot to mention this is donor conception, I would hope that they would say, oh great. Thanks for letting me know.
00:43:42
Speaker
Write it down under medical history. And it would be all of four seconds of your you know time there. um Sure. Of course, if you wanted to have a longer talk, you can. We're here to talk about anything you want. But I i think it's i think it's great to bring up. you know Hopefully, you don't have anything that it's hugely relevant relevant for going forward, but you never know. Maybe there will be something later on where we're thinking about different diagnoses that are genetic and It just doesn't hit the back of our mind as much because we've made the assumption, you know, we've gone there and made the incorrect assumption, but we've assumed that it's, you know, going to be your genetic material that's factoring in. And so because you don't have that family history, or because you don't carry that, that
Managing Information Overload and Seeking Support
00:44:29
Speaker
diagnosis, then that this isn't a possible diagnosis. So the scenarios are rare where it would have this huge impact, but it's always possible. And so if you can find the, you know, that I think it does take bravery, you know, or to just go in and just say, oh, by the way, I forgot to mention this and just have that in there. i think that, you know, then you can just rest assured, okay, if anything ever comes up, it's out there, it's done.
00:44:54
Speaker
Now we never have to deal with this. Yeah. If you could sit next to the new parent at 2 a.m., they're exhausted, they're scrolling, they're second guessing everything.
00:45:09
Speaker
What would you want them to hear?
00:45:12
Speaker
It's okay. It's really okay. Please stop scrolling if you can, unless there's a specific answer you're looking for from a specific source.
00:45:23
Speaker
But the scrolling, the getting information, both stuff that's a little bit helpful, stuff that's a lot unhelpful, the inundation of it Do your best to just, even if you can't sleep, close your eyes, take a 10-minute rest, reset, deep breathing.
00:45:40
Speaker
Everything that's there at 2 a.m. will be there the next day. There's nothing you're going to find right now that's going to... stop, you know, whatever you're going through and, and make things better. The things that make things better are support and sleep. That's really it. um And so if you can find either of those, it's going to do you wonders versus your phone. And this is from someone who has had many at 2am scrolling session, where I've absolutely lost mind.
00:46:11
Speaker
And just look back on it and said, I wish I'd had the extra 10 minutes of sleep. That was, you know, that did not help. For sure In those moments, how do you you, know, the parent has come to you. They've had their 2 a.m. scrolling session. How do you balance evidence-based medicine with honoring the parental intuition or maybe what they've heard and then yeah giving them counsel?
00:46:47
Speaker
Yeah. i One thing i I like to focus on is just what is the question and what is the goal? Like, is there really a problem here? And if there's a problem or or or is there a decision to be made? Because sometimes there's just a lot of worry and stress and conflicting information, but there isn't really a decision to be made or something to be fixed actually beneath that if you really dive deep.
00:47:12
Speaker
um So you may have all these questions about sleep and someone's been reading... about sleep schedules. And so the parent is wondering, do I do a sleep schedule or do I do it this other thing or whatever?
00:47:23
Speaker
But when you ask about it, there are they already have something that's kind of working. And there wasn't actually a problem to be fixed versus a parent who comes in and says, my baby's two months old. I haven't slept more than two hours. i need to figure something out. Do I do...
00:47:41
Speaker
some sort of like modified sleep schedule. Do I do some sort of modified sleep training? but What do I do? What does the evidence show for these different options? That's a very different question. um But once we can narrow down together on like, what's the problem? Is there a problem? What's the question? Then we can look at the evidence together and and say, okay, here's, here are all the different options that you're talking about or that I'm offering. Which ones have the most evidence?
00:48:09
Speaker
which ones are safe, which is probably the most important question. And then which ones could you even do realistically in your setup? And when you start asking those questions and working through it, you start to realize that kind of parents know what they're going to try or have a sense already of what makes sense for them.
00:48:28
Speaker
And then you're just there to support that. Or you're there to say, i love that energy, but actually that wasn't a safe one. Let's do the other one. you know But more often than not,
00:48:38
Speaker
the instinct is right as long as they're listening to themselves and having, not having too much misinformation, you know, to begin with. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
00:48:50
Speaker
How do you kind of personally and professionally combat the, a lot of the shame and
00:49:09
Speaker
Negative reinforcement that I think happens for a lot of parents when it comes to how you're feeding, how you're sleeping, maybe even how you became a parent, just all of those things.
Addressing Shame and Embracing Growth
00:49:26
Speaker
I mean, I think you just call it out pretty straightforward, which is my like, says who? Like, like one you know like why why should you feel shame or anything because someone online said this or because certain people or certain agencies or certain groups or whatever said this? It just – these Those kinds of shame-based things are clearly opinion-based. I mean, even when there is a right or wrong answer, I like to say, or at least a safe or unsafe answer, shame also doesn't make sense. You know, i am a hospital pediatrician. I take care of sick kids all the time. That's my literal whole job. And parents all the time come and say, i you know, I'm realizing now that that decision I made was the wrong choice. Sometimes it was intentional. Sometimes it was not. you know, I i wish I could have done something different. And it's not only just counterproductive, it's just also not true to say like, yeah, you should you know, you should feel bad that you did this. I mean, the end of the day, everyone is just trying to make the best decisions they can. And if they got that information and made the wrong choice, or if they just had the wrong instinct at a certain time, like,
00:50:46
Speaker
that's just That just happens. And so shame doesn't do anything to fix that. All we can do is learn from it. And instead of being judgmental, we can just be curious and say, why did I make that decision? Did I have the right information? Was I following the instinct correctly? Was I talking it through with the right people?
00:51:06
Speaker
And then you learn. And the next time, you know, you make a decision that's safer and better. And the only times I've ever seen parents get more confident and make safer, better decisions is through that mindset. Shaming literally never, not once got a parent to do the right thing ever.
00:51:26
Speaker
ah hundred percent. Absolutely. If there was one piece of advice that you hoped people heard from you today, what would that be? Really start to trust yourself. I mean, it's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason. And you know, it's, it's started to fall by the wayside. I mean, people are selling things, they're selling products, they're selling their brands, they're selling their advice, and they can only sell you something if they've told you something is missing, or there's a need to be filled for this amount of, of this level of constant decision making. And so
00:52:07
Speaker
There's a difference between, you know, guidance that sort of empowers you to to have the right information, to find the right information, to reflect in the right way, and advice that is just telling you what to do and telling you how you're lacking and telling you what to buy. And I think parents are better than they realize at telling the difference between those things when they take a step back. Yeah.
00:52:31
Speaker
It can be hard, but you really, you can, I think you can tell when someone is just trying to shame or berate you or scare you or make you think that something is lacking. And when someone is trying to empower you, hopefully, and there's unfortunately not a ton of the latter and there's a lot of the former, but I think.
00:52:51
Speaker
if you take a moment and remind yourself, like, you are a very capable person. You know, i always tell the story of my, i have like really, I have really brilliant mom friends. I think that they're like so accomplished. They're like hold multiple degrees. They run companies. Like they, I have some friends who are just like the smartest, most competent people. And the amount of messages I will get from them being like,
00:53:14
Speaker
My baby had five ounces of formula instead of six. Is this okay? Or, you know, like these minute, like agonizing details. And I just say, you know, there's nothing else in the world that you would have allowed yourself to be this unconfident about, you know, this...
00:53:31
Speaker
anxious about in a way that comes from this like fundamental lack of trusting yourself because you are running the world. And like, if you can, you don't, it doesn't even need to be at that level, but I'm just saying like, you are a highly competent person.
00:53:45
Speaker
human individual. You are living a life, you are making decisions every day, you are likely responsible for important things in other people. And now you have this new responsibility responsibility that is so much heavier, I know, and it's so much more important in so many ways. And yet, I promise you, the skills are all there.
00:54:05
Speaker
um You just have to really let them come out. You have to give them a chance. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I couldn't have said it better myself. That's absolutely, I mean, think everybody needs to hear that in life in general, but especially parents. I mean, yeah, a hundred percent.
00:54:20
Speaker
Well, again, Dr. Diamond, thank you so much for taking the time to just give us your wisdom and all of this wonderful advice. i have one last question for you. It's a fun one.
00:54:32
Speaker
So for anyone who knows me, they know that me and coffee, we are never far from each other. And so I always love to ask the question, what has filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what has been the thing that has filled your cup?
00:54:50
Speaker
Oh my God. Today, this is a great question. um It is very in line with this podcast, but it is seeing my two-year-old in between because I'm working from home today. She's home too.
00:55:04
Speaker
And I got to see her between things and she is talking more and more than ever. And so every time I walk past, she goes, bye-bye mama. And it's her first two word phrase. And so, which is like a two year old milestone. And so I'm like, the pediatrician me is like, yep, check. You got that one. um But yeah, there is there's, there's yes. There's just like, from the perspective of parenting, the reason we do all this, man, there's nothing better than those, those moments. It makes the rest of this really worth it as again, cliche as that is, it's really true.
00:55:43
Speaker
It is. It's so true. It's those little moments. And I love that her first two word two word phrase had mama in it, because if anybody knows, it feels like dada is always that first word. That's the the family situation. Yes. Every time. Every time. No matter what we do for them.
00:56:00
Speaker
no matter what. I love it. Well, thank you so much. And um I am just, I'm so grateful for all you're doing in this space and for, you know, just what you're doing in general. So um thank you again. thanks so