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Told I Had No Eggs—Then This Happened
51 Plays2 days ago
Being diagnosed with infertility at a young age can feel like the end of the story — even when it’s not.
In this episode, Emily shares what it was like to be told at 25 that she was already in menopause with no eggs, and how that diagnosis reshaped her path to motherhood. She talks openly about grief, donor eggs, and the gaps in education and support she experienced along the way.
Emily also shares why she created the Hopeful Mama Foundation — to ensure others navigating infertility, donor conception, or surrogacy don’t have to do it alone.
This conversation is for anyone seeking clarity, support, and confidence as they explore their family-building options.
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Transcript
Emily's Diagnosis and Initial Struggles
00:00:00
Speaker
She looks at me and she goes, well, Emily, unfortunately, i think you were right. You you are in menopause. And I remember just looking at her thinking, what are you talking about? Like, that was a joke. I'm not i'm not in menopause. That's a joke.
00:00:14
Speaker
Emily was 25 years old when she heard that. No eggs, no warning, and no idea what that meant for her future. but I left that clinic empty handed. There was no information about this is what this means. There was no resources. There was nothing. So when I left, I just thought, well, gosh, what do i what do I do now?
00:00:35
Speaker
And that moment, that space after the diagnosis is where so many people get stuck, not knowing what's possible, not knowing who to trust and quietly wondering if parenthood is still on the table at all.
Foundation of Hopeful Mama
00:00:49
Speaker
In this conversation, Emily walks us through what came next, the grief that followed, the paths that didn't work, and the ones she didn't even know existed yet.
00:01:00
Speaker
And as her journey unfolded, it became clear that the hardest part wasn't just infertility itself. It was navigating it without education, support, or community.
Early Signs and Medical Journey
00:01:12
Speaker
That realization is what eventually shaped the work she does today through the Hopeful Mama Foundation, helping others feel less alone as they explore donor eggs, surrogacy, and other family building options.
00:01:25
Speaker
If your path to parenthood hasn't looked the way you expected, or you're just beginning to ask what your options might be, this conversation is for you. Enjoy.
00:01:40
Speaker
Emily, I really am just so grateful that you're here. Before we get to talking about, you know, Hopeful Mama and all the incredible work you're doing, I'd love to start with you and your journey with Infertility, which actually began incredibly early. can you like talk a little bit more about that and just take us back?
00:02:00
Speaker
Definitely. And thank you, Whitney, for having me today. I'm really excited to be here and to share my story and and about Hopeful Mama. But yes, you're right. My journey, not really knowing it, but started at the age of 16. I started having very odd symptoms and I was feeling hot. I was having headaches and I was sweating at nighttime. And I just told my parents, you know, I just don't really feel very good. Mm-hmm.
00:02:25
Speaker
Could we go to the doctor? So they ended up taking me to the doctor and they said, meth um she's 16, she's hormonal. Let's just put her on some birth control and this this will fix the problem. And you know we left that appointment not really being very educated other than just she's hormonal. So let's just put her on some medicine that will fix the problem.
00:02:45
Speaker
And initially my dad was really against it because he is very conservative and was worried like, I'm putting my 16 year old daughter on birth control. Like, I can't believe we're doing this. Like I can't do this. And I'm over here like, I just want to feel better. Can I just take anything to help me feel better? i don't really care what it is. i just want to feel better.
00:03:03
Speaker
And so after kind of weighing those things and going back and forth, he agreed that we could do it and see if it helped me feel better. And so sure enough, I started taking it. And what do you know? I felt great.
00:03:14
Speaker
So onward and upward, we went, I finished high school, I went on to college. And later on in my twenties, I needed to have a heart procedure. And so they needed me to come off all my medication. And so I did that.
00:03:25
Speaker
And then afterwards, after the procedure and a few weeks after I thought, gosh, I'm feeling really funny. Why do I feel like this? And I was a nurse at this point. I had graduated with my BSN in a few years prior. And I wasn't really clicking or connecting the dots, to be honest. I just thought this isn't really normal. I shouldn't be feeling so hot. Why am I so tired? i have really bad headaches. Again, everything is dry. Like every mucous membrane is dry in my body. Why? And I was sweating really bad at night.
00:03:53
Speaker
And so I was like, I'm just gonna make an appointment with the OBGYN. I'm gonna go in and figure out you know what's going on. So i make an appointment with her. I go in and I'm laughing as we're talking. And I'm like, you know, the only way I can explain this to you is I feel like I'm in menopause. And then I laugh and I laugh some more and she laughs and we're just laughing because what 25 year old is in menopause. Right. And so she's like, well, let's just do some labs.
00:04:16
Speaker
We'll do, you know, we'll check a few things and then we'll come back in. So I'm sitting on my phone doing whatever. And she comes back in. And she's very, very solemn at this point. Her face is very neutral. And I look at her, she looks at me and she goes, well, Emily, unfortunately, i think you were right. you you are in menopause.
00:04:38
Speaker
And I remember just looking at her thinking, what are you talking about? Like, that was a joke. I'm not i'm not in menopause. That's a joke. and she said, well, no, unfortunately, I'm not joking. you know, going to send you down to the University of Iowa, which was the closest, like, bigger hospital to where I
Emotional Impact of Diagnosis
00:04:55
Speaker
am. And we want you to see, you know, the specialist there to get more information. And so I made an appointment and went down to that appointment. And sure enough, after having more blood tests and some diagnostic studies, the doctor came in and said, you know, you have something called premature ovarian failure. And unfortunately, you have been in it for quite some time because you have no eggs and follicles left.
00:05:18
Speaker
And I remember leaving that appointment completely stunned because i wasn't actively trying to have children at that point. I was 25. Honestly, there was times in those early 20s where I didn't know if i was when I was going to be a mom or I knew I always wanted to be a mom, but I didn't know when, and I wasn't actively pursuing it at that very moment.
00:05:38
Speaker
And, but the minute you're told that you can't have children of your own, it's a moment that completely like turns your world upside down. And the trajectory of when you become a mother goes from if, and when to right now I need to be a mother right now. And that's really what started my journey at the age of 25. Wow. mean,
00:05:59
Speaker
what i mean To hear at, I mean, to hear at any age, but 25, like you have, again, the word menopause and then no eggs and follicles. I mean, as you're kind of in those beginnings of, you know, just hearing that diagnosis, you
00:06:25
Speaker
What were, I mean, obviously you had this urge of like, okay, and now we must go go forward. But what were some of just all of those emotions coming at you? I remember the day that I walked out of that clinic and went and got lunch afterwards. It was a complete state of shock.
00:06:42
Speaker
I really didn't understand the full gravity of what that physician was saying. And also I left i left that clinic empty handed. There was no information about this is what this means. There was no resources that says, you know, because of this diagnosis, that's, it means these things, which means you might need to look into x y and Z for family building. There was nothing. So when I left, it almost just didn't feel surreal because i didn't understand the gravity of what the trajectory would look like. And because they didn't make it a big deal, I just thought, well, gosh, what do I what do i do now? And it was just shock and very questioning of, well, what does this mean? And what does this mean for my life?
Adoption Heartbreak and Marriage Strain
00:07:25
Speaker
And it wasn't until probably... I would say at least a couple of weeks before it truly started to hit me. oh this is a really, really big deal. This isn't something that we can just like take some medicine and fix this or um we can just easily reverse this. This is kind of an end all be all statement. And then I just really started thinking,
00:07:50
Speaker
spiraling which I think many people with early menopause diagnosis do or premature ovarian failure, which we now refer to it as premature ovarian insufficiency. We've learned so much since I was diagnosed until now. And there's more of a range now that we we know about. But um I just started spiraling and thinking to myself, what did I do wrong? what What did I do to deserve the one thing that a female's body is really designed to do?
00:08:16
Speaker
Mine isn't going to do that. it's And it felt so much like it was taken away from me. And it was it was ah a time that it was really easy to climb into a very dark hole and just kind of stay there. Because at that time, about, well, 15 years ago, no one was really talking about infertility.
00:08:36
Speaker
I didn't know anybody going through infertility. I definitely didn't know anybody in menopause, nor did women in menopause even talk about menopause. So didn't even, i didn't know any of that stuff. And so it was a very lonely place to be.
00:08:53
Speaker
Yeah. I was going to say, because I mean, especially, i mean, I feel like infertility in general can feel so isolating. And then at such a young age, and then like you said, 15 years ago, you don't have the language or the community around you to really express what you're experiencing.
00:09:12
Speaker
How did you begin navigating just those next steps after your diagnosis? And at what point did egg donation enter the conversation for you?
00:09:28
Speaker
So honestly, my story from when that when really next steps started until egg donation was quite a long time. and lots of things happened between, between those two kind of like points in my life. And I think for many people experiencing infertility, it's something that we don't often talk about, but the impact that infertility has on relationships is, is huge.
00:09:53
Speaker
ah It really can go one of two ways I have found. It can either bring you really close together and you can bond and, grow through something extremely challenging or it can utterly break you and it can shatter any hopes and dreams that you had for the future.
00:10:13
Speaker
And so for my story specifically, Navigating the next steps weren't something that we thought, oh, okay, let's figure out like what we're going to do here now and like let's figure all this out. Someone had actually heard about my diagnosis. We lived in a smaller town and as small towns do, everyone kind of talks. And so everyone heard that Emily can't have kids and she wants to be a mom, but she can't have kids. And so through somebody at a church, they got connected with me. And said, you know, we are looking for someone to adopt our baby because we are young, just teenagers and weren't together and, you know, are having a baby. And we just think that we're not ready to to parent. And so we met with them and. um
00:10:59
Speaker
We met at a park, I remember, and just got to know them a little bit. And she was doing about two months, I would say, maybe three months. And so after meeting with them and talking through everything, we're like, you know what, this is probably what the next step should be. this is and I left that that time meeting them in the park thinking, this is why. This is why I went into menopause, because I was meant to be this baby's mother.
00:11:23
Speaker
And I truly believed to that. And so, um, my husband and at the time we did everything we needed to do to prepare for a private adoption. So we did our home study. We did all of our paperwork, um, you know, pay the fees for all of those things, get a nursery ready, get all the things. Right. And we were just waiting for the call when mom went into labor. And so that happened in September, back
New Hope with Donor Eggs
00:11:44
Speaker
in, that would have been ah a while ago. um And so we got the call and went to the hospital and baby was born on a Thursday. And I remember the nurses bringing him to me and the waiting room. And I was just holding him, looking at him and telling him that it was so great to meet him and how I was his mom. And I loved him already. And it was just such a special moment.
00:12:08
Speaker
And then we stayed with him in the hospital until Saturday. We were going to take him home and we're getting the car loaded up. And the social worker calls and says, don't don't come back in. Birth mom changed her mind.
00:12:20
Speaker
And so in Iowa at that time, birth moms seven days to change their mind. And so we knew that that could happen. But through our relationship with them throughout the time, we just really didn't think that was going to happen. I think we believed that this was really what was meant to be.
00:12:35
Speaker
And so on the way home, we left that hospital with an empty car seat and and drove home to an empty nursery. And had to close the door to that nursery for a long time. And, you know, I'll tell you, it's it's something that is really hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced loss like that. um But it is equal to...
00:12:59
Speaker
the same loss that anyone feels when you love something so much and you lose them. And I think a lot of us can relate to loving something so much and losing it. And it doesn't have to be the same exact type of love or loss, but we know what that heaviness feels like. And so through that experience, I learned that I was willing to do whatever it took to become a mom.
00:13:19
Speaker
I realized after having that moment of being a mom for a short time, even though that baby didn't come from my body, even though I was not genetically related to that baby, um I felt so much love for that baby in such a short period of time. And I truly felt like a mother. and And without realizing that that was setting me up for what my life was going to bring, I realized that I wanted to be a mom really, really bad.
00:13:45
Speaker
And Again, with that, my husband at the time realized that he wasn't in the same place. He was not willing to go through the grief and the heartache that it takes to, to to go down the infertility path. And, you know, it really broke us. And so shortly after we separated and, you know, at the age of 27, I found myself divorced, which is something I never thought I would say, um, and unable to have children. And so, you know,
00:14:12
Speaker
Sometimes it's easy to say, okay, I got diagnosed here. And then, you know, in this year, I learned about donor conception and, you know, now I have two babies, but it really negates the experience that those of us have on infertility or going through infertility of all of the relationship sides of things, the losses that we experience. And a lot of times, We forget to acknowledge and sit with the losses because we're always going on to the next thing.
00:14:36
Speaker
What do I do now to get pregnant? What do I do now to become a mom? Do I need to take another test or do I need to get my labs drawn or do I take this medication or should I get acupuncture or whatever it is? And we forget to sit with...
00:14:48
Speaker
the grief of the loss that we've experienced on our journey. And so ah o even though my next step was a big one, it didn't end up going the way that I thought. And so once I was 27, you know, I just kind of at that time thought, gosh, you know, I just think my journey is probably not going to go that way. um I never thought I would be married again. i never thought I would have children per se. And I kind of just resolved to that after a lot of pain and agony. And then and to jump quickly onto how I learned about egg donation is I met my husband, Samir, at the hospital and he is a physician. And after we had dated for a while and I shared with him my situation, he asked to look at my medical records. And I thought, gosh, that's so awkward.
00:15:30
Speaker
you i know you're a doctor. What a great dating situation. like Yeah. Sure. You want to go for coffee and look over my medical records. Awesome. um But no, I am. I'm thankful he asked because as he looked through everything, he, he shared, you know, Emily, a you're right. Your ovaries are not working. Like those are not going to be an option, but your uterus is just fine. And I said, well, what good is my uterus? Like I don't have any eggs. You can't, what is a uterus good for? And he said, well, you can use donor eggs.
00:16:03
Speaker
And I said, Donor eggs? What are donor eggs? I had no idea. had no idea as much as- Which is so interesting because you're in Yes, but you know, it is very it is very niche. So I was an emergency room nurse, and I will tell you, we are very hyper-focused on what happens in the yeah ER and what we we deal with. And really anything outside of that genre of like, you know, GI, OB, pediatrics. Like, yes, we see a little bit of it in the ER, but nothing from a reproductive side, right? Like sure if someone came in and was pregnant, we were like, how far along are you? Can you go over to OB? Yeah. You know what I mean? yeah And so i just, i didn't know about it. And, and I had never heard about it And that comes back to the point of like, no one was really talking about this at that time.
00:16:50
Speaker
And so much so, so much lack of education on my part that even when I was initially diagnosed back at 25, I asked, I went and made an appointment with a physician to actually have a hysterectomy because I said, well, what good is all of this?
00:17:04
Speaker
if it's not going to do me any good, just take it out. Well, thank goodness. He said, I'm not going to do that. And he told me because I was 25, he wouldn't do it. And I thought to myself, well, I'm asking you just do it. He never once told me it's because, well, maybe you might have a chance to carry a child someday because of donor eggs. But he just had this, you know, wherewithal to be like, no, I'm not going to, I'm not going to do that. Thank God to this day. He did not do that.
00:17:31
Speaker
For sure. yeah i want to pause you just for a second, because i would really love to go back to, um, when you I think you really just hit something that is so pivotal in a lot of people's infertility journey where you you do at some points get on what feels like this hamster wheel and that long to-do list and a checkbox and you have this singular goal in mind you
00:18:09
Speaker
I mean, if in some situations, it feels like time isn't on your side. You have to, I mean, like you said, you're on to the next thing. You're on to the next test. You're on to the next step. And talk to so many people where depending on where they are in their journey, they haven't necessarily sat with Whether it's loss or looking back on what they've experienced and how far they've come and all of those emotions that can come with that.
00:18:44
Speaker
And I i mean, i think it is so... I think it's so poignant that you point that out because I know, I mean, gosh, it sounded like, you know, at, at 25, you're like, okay, onto the next step.
Education and Acceptance
00:18:59
Speaker
I'll go get a his hysterectomy. And, you know, and again, thank goodness you didn't, but it does almost feel like whenever you're not given all of the information or when you do have this one goal in mind, it can be so easy to get lost in the overwhelm of what's happening.
00:19:15
Speaker
So much so. I think with a lack of education, you make uneducated decisions. I think with a lack of the big picture, you make rash decisions without really giving yourself the opportunity to do the research because you think, well, this is what was told to me. This must just be what it is. And I have learned over the last 15 years that There are many things that have not been told to me, but are still true. And I had to do the research myself.
00:19:41
Speaker
And, but with that, you're right. Lists can come but kind of in any way, whether you are on your journey to becoming a parent or in my state at that time, I thought, okay, well, this isn't working. Let's get it out. And then let's get feeling better and then figure out what we're going to do. And it's easy to create a list and say, okay, here's what I'm to do. or even go down a rabbit hole online and say, okay,
00:20:03
Speaker
What are the next steps that I should be doing and create like this list of, okay, I'm going to try this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to stop taking this. I'm going to stop doing this. My husband's going to stop doing this and, you know, don't drink that and don't do this. And it's easy to get consumed with these like to do's and, and really, as you mentioned, be in a ah cycle that can become very unhealthy very, very quickly.
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah. so for you, as you were, you know, having your ah appointment slash date with, you know, future husband, ah after he tells you about egg donation, what had you, what had you going from uncertainty to peace about going forward with that decision?
00:20:51
Speaker
Oh man, I think it was probably 30 seconds. I love It was very fast. It was, wait, what are you talking about? What is an option? What can be done? And within the timeframe that I understood what he was sharing and what is a possibility, I'm pretty sure I probably called my family and said, you will not believe this, but I can actually have a baby and I can carry a baby because I can use donor eggs. And I remember...
00:21:19
Speaker
shouting it from the rooftops because it honestly was the moment that hope was restored for me. Because up until that point, I just thought this was this was my path. And you know at the time, there's no way I could have ever afforded adoption.
00:21:34
Speaker
ah I was single up until that point. And so at that time I thought, okay, I'm not gonna meet anyone. I can't afford adoption. So this, I'm never gonna be a mom. And I had a dog that I loved so, so very much. And for those of you who are dog people, they they are babies. And I can tell you that my doggie got me through some of the hardest times. And also reminds us how much we love to mother because we mother our babies, our doggies.
00:21:58
Speaker
um But yeah, it it was not long.
Redefining Motherhood
00:22:00
Speaker
It was it was very much like, okay, well, who can I tell? And how can we get this going? And we were not engaged yet. And so it was one of those things where i started just learning about it. I started reading more about it.
00:22:12
Speaker
ah We knew we were getting engaged and our plan was to get married. And so I started researching which clinics offered this and how it all worked. And we did have a clinic in mind from a friend who had gone to this clinic, not because of donor conception, but just I remember. her from years, years past. I said, I remember, and it was the only connection I had to infertility.
00:22:33
Speaker
And um I didn't even talk to her that much anymore because we had worked together in Wisconsin, but I found her number. I reached out and I said, I remember you telling me that you couldn't get pregnant. And I remember you saying, you went to this doctor that you called a magician and here now you have four children. I said, what is his name? And what is the clinic name? I want to, I want to call them. And honestly, that ended up being the clinic that we used and were able to have our children. And it's so funny how when you look back in life, and this is for all walks of life, if one thing would have been different, if I would have never worked at this facility or if if this one thing wouldn't have happened, we wouldn't i wouldn't be wearing them today. And if she had not experienced that in her own life and shared it possibly at work,
00:23:22
Speaker
10 years later, I would have never remembered her struggling to become a parent. And I wouldn't have thought to call her to get this clinic's information, which was four hours from us. And I would have probably never found the clinic.
00:23:33
Speaker
And so it's just another reminder too of how important it is to share our journeys because you don't know how much that can impact someone even 5, 10, 15 years later. And it definitely impacted mine, her journey.
00:23:45
Speaker
A hundred percent. I mean, truly, you never really realize how much, exactly to your point, sharing and just planting a seed and you exactly, 10, 15 years from now, you never would have known. That is so beautiful.
00:24:04
Speaker
For, i think, in your story, genetics and, you know, we're we're kind of quickly taken out of the equation for you.
00:24:15
Speaker
Did you experience any grief with that as you were looking towards growing your family? And i mean, again, your, your story has a happy ending with two beautiful daughters, but for listeners who worry about using donor eggs and how that might affect the connection to their child, what has your lived experience taught you?
00:24:42
Speaker
Sure. So I'll answer your first question first, and then we'll talk about that. The loss of genetics is something that I feel like everyone who has the loss of genetics has to grieve, and we all grieve it differently. Some of us grieve it very quickly. Some of us grieve it slowly. Some of us grieve it loudly. Some quietly. It all is very, very different. And my my grief over the loss of genetics was something that happened over span of years because Because I couldn't actively try, i didn't get to ever try with my own eggs and go through that process and then have to come to the decision that, okay, we are going to move to donor eggs because we have tried IVF and we can't get here.
00:25:20
Speaker
Mine was, as you mentioned, taken away like on the spot. It was a, sorry, you don't get a chance. This is just gone. And so mine was very abrupt. It wasn't something that I kind of like agonized over. oh I could have, would have, should have used mine. it was purely just, you have no shot.
00:25:36
Speaker
And so I remember countless times sitting in the shower in the dark with the water running and sobbing because there was no one I could talk to then. No one understood the gravity of what it was to be in my shoes and be told that out of my all my friends, all my family, all of my in-laws, family, all of those people around me, i was the only one who wasn't going to be able to have a child. And that was genetically related to me.
00:26:08
Speaker
And that was a, that was a heavy burden to bear because it's an expectation. It's a societal expectation that, you know, you have kids and this is what you do. And, you know, they come from your body and your genetics and all of these things. And so it was, it was something that spent a lot of time in the shower in the dark crying. It spent a lot of time journaling ah and, and writing to no one who would ever read it just about the,
00:26:35
Speaker
What did I do wrong? I struggled with that for a long time. I really struggled with a what did I do wrong? Why is my body broken? And really, really holding guilt and shame over my body for what it could not do.
00:26:50
Speaker
And that's actually one thing that um I like to share about my experience and relationship with my husband Samir because when we were first initially dating, i remember thinking I got to tell him, like I have to tell him that I'm divorced. I need to tell him I can't have kids and i just, how am I going to do this? And I remember getting up the courage. He asked me over for dinner at his condo and I thought, okay, tonight's the night. I need to tell him we're getting more serious. Like I need to tell him. And I remember us sitting down at the dinner at his table and I said, well, Samir, really need to tell you something tonight. And he goes, no, you don't need to tell me anything. Let's just eat.
00:27:25
Speaker
And I said, I mean, that's what he said to me. And I said, I said, no, no, no. i I really need to tell you something. And I would like to tell you right now. And it's a really big deal. And it's probably going to either be okay or not okay. And I need to get this off my chest. And he goes, no, no, no.
00:27:42
Speaker
Let's just eat. You don't need to tell me anything. And I thought to myself, well, this is going really well. And so i try again and I say one more time, I say, I really have something I need to tell you about my life that is really important. And his response was, I already know.
00:28:03
Speaker
And I looked at him and I said, no you have no idea what I'm about to tell you. Like, you don't, you don't have a clue. And he goes, oh no, I know. I know. I know exactly what you're about to tell me. And I'm sitting there completely confused And I say, and then i I tell him what I need to tell him. and sure enough, he knew. And it's a long story of how he knew and not really of importance of of today's call. I think the most important thing is that what he said to me was, i didn't I didn't want to date you. And I don't love you because of what your body can do for me.
00:28:35
Speaker
I love you because of who you are. And so it healed so much trauma of the years where I hated my body for how broken it was. And I hated my body for what it couldn't do because here is a man who loved me in spite of what my body could not do. And it reaffirmed my my hope in humanity and that there is someone out there that who would love me for who I was and not what my body could do. And I hope for anyone listening that if you are in a point where you feel like you are not worthy, that my story can remind you that you are loved and you are worthy and your body is not what what constitutes your worth.
00:29:20
Speaker
Just going leave that there. because i mean, yeah, like... First of all, I'm like in love with him. um And like men. Me too. take me too Yeah. I mean, but that's so amazing because you're right. There is so much societal pressure yes on women in general.
00:29:41
Speaker
Yes. Mothers in general, how you become a mother, when you become a mother, how many you have. I mean, the list can go on and on and you don't,
00:29:53
Speaker
there's There's so many points in a woman's life where you feel these pressures and don't, and you I mean, you beat yourself up over things that you don't have control over.
00:30:05
Speaker
and it is so beautiful that after a period of, like you said, trauma and heartbreak and loss to have your partner sit there and say you're worth more than not only to me, but just in general, you're worth more than what you can't do yeah or what society tells you, you know, you're supposed to do
00:30:37
Speaker
I mean, i feel like so many people just really need to hear that. I agree with you because it's hard sometimes to look in the mirror and tell yourself that.
00:30:48
Speaker
it's it's hard to, because you live with your body day in and day out of it's not doing what it's supposed to do or it's not working the way it should. and so to have someone from an outside perspective, know those things and still look at you and say, it's it's not about your body and what it can do. It's all about who you are as a person. It really changes your perspective on life and also just like on your path forward because you realize, even if I can't accomplish this thing, even if this doesn't come to fruition, even if I can't,
00:31:17
Speaker
Become a mom or whatever it is. I'm still going to be loved and I am worthy of love. And that is something that is very, very powerful.
00:31:29
Speaker
It's beautiful. We'll get right back to the show. But real quick, if you're dreaming of growing your family through egg donation or surrogacy, we'd love to help. At Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions, we've spent 18 years guiding hopeful parents with compassion, expertise, and personal experience.
00:31:46
Speaker
Our team includes people who have been intended parents, surrogates, egg donors, and even nurses. So when we say we understand, we truly do. You can schedule a free 15-minute call with our team at createahappyfamily.com to get your questions answered and explore your next steps.
00:32:04
Speaker
You don't have to navigate this journey alone. We're here to walk it with you. All right. Let's get back to the show. So as you continued on you know, that grief journey, when it came to the genetic aspect of becoming a mother or having that genetic attachment to a child, at what point did you kind of have, resolution isn't the word that I want to look for, but you know maybe maybe that is the right word. But at what point were you okay with just that aspect of things and moving ahead to those next steps?
00:32:51
Speaker
Yeah, I think, like I mentioned before, for me, i was I was all in right away because I had never had an opportunity or I didn't think I had an opportunity to carry a child the minute I could. And it was the use of donor eggs. It wasn't even a question. I was like, not share genetics. No big deal. Like, let's just get this baby going. Let's let's go. Sure.
00:33:09
Speaker
And I didn't realize it at that point, but that experience with the adoption that failed, it had really paved the way for my heart to be open to a new path. Because I think if I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't have experienced the amount of love that you can have for a child that you just met that you did not grow in your body and you have absolutely no relation to. Because what I learned is that mothering is not genetics. It is purely relational. And so we choose to mother and we, and we don't, it's not like we, you know, are choosing like the genetic side of things, right? Like we choose to mother and I was choosing to mother that baby. And so,
00:33:45
Speaker
going down the donor route, what I realized was my goal was to mother. It wasn't, if your goal is to be genetically related, that's totally a different goal, right? And so it's harder to get over the grief if your goal is to be genetically related to your child. If that's highly important to you,
00:34:01
Speaker
it's a different kind of pathway to move through the grief and things like that. But if your goal is to mother, then it does open the path to grieve a little bit easier because mothering doesn't require genetics. And so you're able to kind of put that on the side and say, okay, I may not be genetically related, but my goal wasn't that my goal is to be a mother. And because I have this opportunity That's the goal I wanted to mother. And so for those people, I think that are struggling with the connection of, am I going to be connected with my baby if I use an egg donor? And is my relationship with them going to be the same if I had, you know, use my own egg or will I feel bonded to them? All of
Navigating Donor Conception Stories
00:34:40
Speaker
those questions. um You know, obviously I can't speak to having my own child from a sake of like my own genetics and then having,
00:34:49
Speaker
not share genetics with a child to compare the two. But I can tell you from a lived experience of having an eight and a five-year-old that I couldn't be more connected to these two little girls. And, you know, we don't share an ounce of, of my DNA with them, but we do share so many other things. And, You know, they grew in my body and I i influenced them in so many ways as they grew. And now as I parent them, they are bonded to me from from that experience. And so just the other day, my oldest wrote me a letter about
00:35:23
Speaker
I wish I had it here today. i have so many letters from here from her that there was one specifically that talked about even from the moment I was born, I loved you. And it was so powerful because even as an eight-year-old, she doesn't understand the fears that I still have. and And that's something I think I do like to highlight too is a lot of times people think, okay, well, the minute I move through this path of donor conception and I have a baby, like will all my fears come?
00:35:51
Speaker
And like sadness and grief go away. Well, no, no, they don't. Like, I'm sorry, but no, they don't. And, and yes, you are, you are madly in love with your child. And the connection has never been a question for me. And I think most mothers who go through donor conception, if you ask them, if they feel connected to their baby, their very first answer is going like, yes, very much so.
00:36:12
Speaker
but that doesn't But that doesn't like negate the grief. And so I think it would be a disservice if I say, well, yes, i'm I'm madly in love and connected with this baby, but I also still don't have grief. I do. And I think it's very it's a very normal thing to still have grief because grief isn't just that it happened and now it's done and it's gone and it goes away. like That's not really how grief works.
00:36:33
Speaker
And so I think it's important that we acknowledge the fact that, yes, you will feel very bonded to your child, but you still may have days where you have fears and sadness and grief that come up. And it's just easier to deal with that now than maybe it was before. But even my eight year old not realizing that sometimes I'm still fearful of things that that come with the route of donor conception for her to write a letter that says, you know, I loved you from the minute I was born. it it just shows even in her mind how connected she is to me. And she knows our, her whole story and how we don't share genetics. Um, and it, it isn't even a thing that crosses her mind that somehow she couldn't love me because we didn't have shared genetics.
00:37:13
Speaker
That is so beautiful. And I think I think what you're saying, and I know you can't personally speak to it, but that this whole idea that mothering is relationship, it's not just genetics. And even for those who you know go the surrogacy route, it's not just carrying. It it is. It's that relationship. It's it's that...
00:37:37
Speaker
that day in and day out and, you know, the, the up at 2 AM ms and the, Hey, let's just get your shoes on. We're going to school today. And just all of those things. I mean, that's, that's mother, that relationship aspect for sure. And, Oh, that is so beautiful that your sweet eight year old is already, you know, picking up on that.
00:38:02
Speaker
i I think it's beautiful that you know she she does know her story. And as a parent who is raising two donor-conceived daughters, what have you learned about honoring their story in everyday life?
00:38:20
Speaker
So I just had a ah connection session with someone about this too, about how important it is to like you said, not earn not only honor their their story, but also it's not something that we have to turn into this big conversation every time something comes up.
00:38:40
Speaker
And initially, I think when you are starting on this journey, it really is all consuming. Donor conception is all consuming. all of the fears and the worries and the thoughts of how am I going to do this? How am i going to have this conversation? How am I going to navigate this? It's all consuming. And so we think about well how am I going to talk to my kid all the time? And what's my kid going to think? And what's my family going to think?
00:39:00
Speaker
And then when you get to the point where you live it, you realize that it's really not all consuming anymore. It is initially, but once you start to parent, it it does kind of take a backseat a little bit. And so the way that we, uh,
00:39:16
Speaker
intentionally encourage it in our daughters' lives and in our lives is when the opportunity arises and it's an organic way to be able to remind them of their story, that's what we do. So initially, when they were young, I started reading books right away. So I didn't really know what I was gonna say. i didn't know how to say it. So I found children's books related to donor conception. Happy Together is one of my favorite books of an egg donation story. And so as I was feeding them, I would just read, I would read the book. They had no idea what I was reading, right? They were a baby baby, like very baby.
00:39:49
Speaker
But I just kept reading it. And I read it over and over and over. Well, by the time that they were two or three years old, I had a pretty good practice of telling a story of egg donation. And by that time, I had even started intertwining our own story. So that's really how I started was I wanted it to be something that they always knew.
00:40:07
Speaker
It wasn't something where we had to sit down and have a conversation. and so it made the rest of life a lot easier because it was just something they always knew. And then as they got older, things would come up. For example, they would say, oh, I really love my oldest would say, oh, I really love to dance.
00:40:23
Speaker
And I would say things like, that's so great. Where do you where do you think your love of dance came from? and she goes, oh, I don't know. Didn't you love to dance, mommy, or do gymnastics? And I would say, well, yes, I did love to do gymnastics. But do you know someone else who really loved to dance? Your donor, or we call them our helper,
00:40:39
Speaker
um she really loved to dance too. I bet you love to dance because she loved to dance as well. And so those are more age appropriate where you're not really getting into the nitty gritty of the genetic side of things, but you're circling back in organic ways that, okay, yes, the reason you are who you are is because of partly your dad and me, but also because of a very important person who is your helper, your donor. And so being able to just kind of gently tie that back to, yep, she played a huge role in how you act and who you are, is a way that we do that. And then as my oldest is getting older and is able to understand more, i would say more, you know, intricate,
00:41:15
Speaker
things about genetics. Again, she she's not going to be able to tell you like understanding DNA per se, but we can have deeper conversations about, you know, who is my helper? Who is my donor to me? And so we've worked through, is my is my donor my stepmom?
00:41:29
Speaker
Okay. Well, we're trying to figure out relationships here. So who is a stepmom? How do you get a stepmom? So we work through those things and then we say, okay, so could your donor be your stepmom? Oh, nope, guess not. She can't be my stepmom because that's not what a stepmom is. And so again, we're able to work through those things. And for a while, you know she thought, oh, well, maybe she is my my real mom. Maybe she's my real mom. And so then we talked through like,
00:41:54
Speaker
what that means and what is a mother. And that's where I kind of come to that point where, you know, being a mom is a verb. Yes, it's a noun, but it's also a verb. And it's really important that we talk about being a mom as a verb. And so we talk through that and we talk about how, you know, if your donor used the specific egg they gave me with her partner's sperm, you wouldn't be Penelope. Or even if it was her egg and daddy's sperm in her body, you still wouldn't be Penelope. Like the only way you're Penelope is with that egg daddy's sperm and in my belly. That's the only way Penelope is who Penelope is. And so we talk through all of those things. And so um I think that's how we have been able to honor their story is making sure that they always know the truth and then connecting it back to how their donor has played such a huge role in their life and the way that they act and things. And then we offer, when it's age appropriate, we just offer that they are able to see pictures if they want to, and then hopefully meet their donors one day if they feel if that's something they want to do.
00:42:53
Speaker
That's amazing. And there's just, ah there's so much I want to unpack there because one, i think it is so beautiful. Um, you know, early and often that's like the go-to and I know talking to other, um moms who, you know, have used donor eggs, um,
00:43:12
Speaker
you know they i think the greatest advice that I've ever heard is exactly like what you did was start when they're a baby because you won't stumble over your words. And if you like you will, sorry, you will stumble over your words and it's okay because they're a baby. And then by the time they are old enough, you're going to already, like you said, have all of that practice.
00:43:31
Speaker
As especially whenever Penelope was using phrases like real mom and, you know, things like that. How did you, you know, take that on and then still, again, honor, explain and acknowledge all of those things?
00:43:49
Speaker
Well, I was lucky that she had asked some ah not as intense questions earlier on when she was around like six, maybe five. Penelope was pretty early from a learning perspective. Our youngest Everly is five and she has absolutely no desire to learn about this or talk about it And so that's something too to really understand is like each kid is different. And so you have to parent them differently on their own journey too. So Everly is not interested. So we don't force it. We offer it. If she doesn't want to, we just leave it alone. It's not something I'm going to shove down her throat. Like, Hey, we have to talk about this or you need to see these pictures. No, if she doesn't want to, she has a choice. She doesn't have to look, but Penelope, she is very like, and like really wants to talk about these things. And it started early. So early, like five, six, she would ask me these offhand. She would say these offhanded things while we're driving in the car. And thank goodness at the time, because i did not handle them well. Initially i have some,
00:44:42
Speaker
I actually have some reels about this where it like would stop me in my tracks thinking, what did you just say? And then I start spiraling like, oh my gosh, does she not love me? Does she like, is she upset with me? Like, does she not think I'm her mom? Like just started spiraling and in it. And I learned that it was all of my fears coming to the surface. She was just exploring what this means to her. that She's just exploring how this works in the world. She wasn't questioning our relationship. She wasn't questioning her love for me or my love for her. It was my fears bubbling out. And I thought, wow, I'm going to have to get a hold on that because that is that is not her fault. That's all my insecurity. And then so I started...
00:45:22
Speaker
working through those things as when they came up in these conversations, like, okay, you need a pause before you respond. Because if you're emotionally charged by what she just triggered, it's not a great time to respond to her.
00:45:34
Speaker
Um, and just stepping away for a minute, but then also coming back to what fear just rose up. Okay. Is that fear grounded in truth? So for example, my child does not look like me. If, if she says something like, well, mommy, we don't really like our skin color doesn't really match or this doesn't match or whatever. Um,
00:45:52
Speaker
the The first thing is that grounded in truth. Well, yes, that one is grounded in truth, right? We do not look alike. And more than likely, we may never really look alike because we don't have any shared genetics. And so then I can say, okay, I need to work through this because it is grounded in truth. But if I go back to, why did she just ask me if if I'm her real mom? Does that mean like she doesn't love me? Well, that okay, let's go back. That is not grounded in truth. She shows day in and day out. And I also reciprocate that we love each other. And so I am able to throw that fear out and then address the fears that actually need to be addressed so that then when those questions come up, I am able to respond in a calm manner. I will say it has taken practice.
00:46:32
Speaker
The first couple of times you will stumble. I did stumble. I would kind of say things like, what, what did you say? Like, why do you think that? Not really how we want to respond. Right. But sure with the practice, you learn that she's not questioning the relationship. She's exploring all of these emotions that she has and trying to understand how these pieces fit together. And so being able to remove your insecurities to just allow her to explore is a way that you can really stay calm when the, are you my real mom question comes up? or
00:47:04
Speaker
even when they're mad, they say things that are really mean. And most kids say things, mean things when they're mad, but people who are parents of donor conceived children sometimes can internalize that and think they're saying that because we're not genetically related. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. When,
00:47:20
Speaker
If that child was genetically related, that thought wouldn't even cross your mind. So it's a way where you have to really pull those things out and say, why am I going there? And how can I remove that so that I can respond in a safe and compassionate way so they feel like I am a safe space for them?
00:47:36
Speaker
Hmm. Again, just beautiful advice and excellent just nuggets of truth. Because like you said, the fear doesn't go away. it just bubbles up in others in other places. And to be able to pause and recognize and address and then move forward is, I mean, that's just great advice for life in general.
00:47:59
Speaker
It does help in a lot of different areas. For sure. My last question, when it just comes to, you know, just what it is to parent, you know, a donor conceived person, how do you navigate the world and out, you know, just outside perspectives of how your family was built?
00:48:23
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. i You know, a lot of people think or what wonder or worry, do I need to tell everybody that our our family is like through donor conception? Like, does everybody need to know? Like, does the doctor need to know? Does the dentist need to know? Does the teacher need to know? Does the friend need to know? Like all of these questions, like who out in the world needs to know about our family building experience. And it's really interesting because if we look at families who are created from just like natural pregnancies,
00:48:51
Speaker
they don't really walk around telling people that, you know, they were conceived on this day in the back of a Chevy. Sure. Like, really, we we don't we don't do that. That's not a normal topic of conversation. Sure. And so if...
00:49:07
Speaker
Again, a donor conception can feel all-consuming, but if we can like kind of like broaden the scope and like kind of pull back and think, are my kids' friends or are my friends walking around talking about how they conceived their child or are their friend or are their kids talking about how they were conceived by their parents? No, that's not a normal conversation. And so...
00:49:27
Speaker
I think sometimes remembering that, that as kids get older and and they go into these different situations, it's that's not something that is going to come up very often. But what I do think is important is that you talk with your family and your children that how are we going to talk about it if if the question comes up or if you feel like you want to share it, what do you want to share about it? And there are differing opinions on...
00:49:51
Speaker
how open you need to be, I think, with your family and the world and all of that. And because some people say, well, you could meet other donor conceived people. And what if possibly you are somehow half like related to them and all of those concerns, which I understand the the validity of those concerns. But at the same time, it's highly unlikely that you are gonna end up trying to date someone that you might be potentially related to because of donor conception. like It'd be one of those like lottery chances, right? like It's probably not gonna happen. And so I don't think you need to live your life in a fear of, if I don't blurt this all out to the world, I'm gonna end up marrying someone or being in a relationship with someone that is also partially related to me. And so I think when we can look at those things and say, okay, so the people who need to know are like the doctor, right? Like the doctor should know because of medical advice or Sorry, medical history. So it's important that they're aware that this was the route of conception. um But do the friends need to know? No, they probably don't need to know. Now, if it's a situation where, you know, the topic comes up and you feel like you want to share that.
00:50:55
Speaker
go ahead and share it. I do a lot. I'm very open about our journey because I try to advocate for all of the diverse ways that families are created. And I feel like it's such a beautiful path to parenthood. So I enjoy sharing about it. But I think that can be a very personal choice on if you want to or not. And as our children grow, it's going to be their choice if they how they want to share it. So for example, the donor sibling registry,
00:51:20
Speaker
A lot of people have asked me, well, are you on there? Like, are your kids going to be on there? Well, I'm not sure. My child's not old enough to make that decision quite yet. So when they're old enough to know, I'm going to share with them what it is, what it means. And if they choose to be on there, then they can. And if they choose not to, then that's their choice.
00:51:36
Speaker
However, people say, well, then don't you keep that to the same concept of why are you sharing their story if this is their story? And, you know, it shouldn't it be their choice to share about their, their conception.
00:51:49
Speaker
And I think the difference there is meeting individuals who could have or share half genetic material, right? Like be half genetically related. That's a really big decision to make if you want to meet somebody like that. But at the same time, if I don't allow or if I don't share the conception story with my children, then at some point I have to share it with them. And if I haven't shared it with them initially, then it becomes potentially a surprise or something that could look at like I was shameful or scared or guilty to share.
Founding and Growth of Hopeful Mama Foundation
00:52:27
Speaker
And so I think there's a balance between, you know, sharing with them and allowing them to share their story and then sharing.
00:52:34
Speaker
having to make decisions when it's age appropriate. And so we have shared Penelope sharing her story um on on my page a few times. And I think, you know, if she ever said, you know, mommy, I don't really want to talk about that anymore. i don't i don't want to talk about my helper.
00:52:50
Speaker
We're at a point now where we can easily say, you know what, we we respect that and support that. And that's not something that we need to talk about publicly. Sure. And so I think, you know, it kind of shifts from age appropriate to when you need to make sure that they're educated to then allowing them to to make that free will decision how much they share.
00:53:08
Speaker
Hopefully that answered that question. I might not have answered that fully. No, absolutely. No, no, no. I think you did because I think it it it is such a it is such a personal choice. and But there are so many, there there's so many factors, which you illustrated beautifully because they're, you know, it is medical. You need that. Or there's family members. They've already, they already know, or, you know, it it is, like you said, it's, it's an age appropriate situation or, you know, the donor, the donor sibling registry is really important to other people and, you know, just things like that. And so, um, you know, yeah, I think it, you have,
00:53:41
Speaker
You've beautifully illustrated all of the different aspects of it, and it's not a one size fits all. And it's great to just continue to have that open conversation, um which is necessary at the beginning of all of this. And I think that's perfect.
00:54:00
Speaker
What ended up inspiring you to turn your personal journey into something that could support so many other women? Yeah.
00:54:10
Speaker
Hopeful mama came to me. Honestly, when Penelope was about six weeks old, I was holding her and I was overcome with this intense, just, I just started sobbing and I didn't really know why. And I just thought to myself, gosh, there's going to be women just like me who didn't know any better and aren't going to get this opportunity holding their baby because they don't know, or they don't have the money or they don't have the support resources, whatever it was. And i didn't know then really what that moment was, but it truly planted a seed.
00:54:47
Speaker
in my heart that at some point I wanted to do something for women just like me. And so years went by and, you know, i raised our girls and I went back to work for a little bit as a nurse. And then we moved home to Iowa and we were talking about me going back to the bedside. And then my husband said, well, what do you think about, you know, that thing that you've kind of always been kind of talking about, but didn't really know what it was. And I said, yeah, what is that thing?
00:55:16
Speaker
And so um that was in January of 2023 when we were kind of having those conversations. And we both said, okay, well, why don't you just kind of look into... what it could be or what it would mean and just see what happens.
00:55:31
Speaker
And so initially when I started just kind of thinking, well, what, what could this turn into? in my heart, it was really a grant for women who needed to use egg donors because I felt so strongly that there was not enough support for those women that were just like me.
00:55:48
Speaker
And I knew how expensive it was to go down the donor conception path. And so that's kind of where we started. um And I was looking into you know becoming a nonprofit that would so you know provide support through financial grants. And it would go to women needing donor, like egg donation. And as I started doing that, I wanted to also provide them with resources so that I wasn't just giving them a check, but that, or the foundation wouldn't be giving them a check, but that um we could support them, like give them something to say, okay, if you also need support along the way, here you go.
00:56:17
Speaker
Well, when I started doing my research for that, I couldn't find anything. Even locally, I said, well, there's got to be a support group that I could encourage people to go to or provide to them locally. And I couldn't find one.
00:56:29
Speaker
And then I thought, well, there's got to be some more education that maybe I could like point them in the direction to. And I started looking and I thought, gosh, there really isn't that much either. And so as I was working through that, I thought, okay, well, there is nonprofits already supporting infertility ah through grants. But there wasn't a nonprofit that I could find that was really supporting the entirety of the process of the of the individual, which would be not only the financial side, but the emotional side, the mental health side, and the educational side. And because all of those factors played such a huge role in my journey with having a lack of education, a lack of support, and then the lack of finances, i thought, well, gosh, maybe these three pillars are what this should be built on.
00:57:15
Speaker
And ah hope has always been a ah big word for me through my whole life with arrows. It was something where I just, I i really loved arrows and the concept of it, you know, pointing forward and always moving forward. And since becoming a mom, mama was just something that was just sweet. And honestly, putting those together into hopeful mama was just something that was very, just kind of organically came together. And so that's really what inspired um the creation of hopeful mama. But what really like propelled the hopeful mama forward was the fall before this conversation even started. I was driving down the highway and I was listening to a song called, uh, perfectly loved by Rachel Lampa. And I had to pull over on the, on the highway because I was ugly crying. I couldn't even see the road anymore. Oh,
00:58:04
Speaker
Because I thought to myself, how did this woman come into my life and write a song just about me, about how I went through all of these things and how I felt. And it was the most seen I had ever been.
00:58:19
Speaker
And I would say a week later, i was still very impacted by the song. And I had had Instagram, but I didn't really use Instagram very much. It was just a little bit here and there, but I thought reels were like starting to become a thing. And so I um was like, well I'm going to try to put my story together with like some pictures in like chronological order to this song, because it was seriously my life in the song. So I did that.
00:58:43
Speaker
And it was very therapeutic for me. I talked about like all the horrible and just sad places I was in. And then the joy that had come. And I shared it and I didn't think anything of it. And then a couple hours later, I was like, what's wrong with my phone?
00:58:58
Speaker
let's Why is my phone acting so funny? Well, unbeknownst to me at the time, because I was not very like literate when it came to Instagram, but my that story, my story and that song, it went viral and it got 3.5 million views. And I thought to myself, what is happening? What is happening? And so what that showed me when I went to then launch hopeful mama was it created a foundation of women to say, i don't feel so alone anymore. I feel like I also have been seen. And it gave me the courage to launch hopeful mama because I have met so many women through that small moment that
00:59:36
Speaker
that turned into a community of women who were looking for hope, who were looking for support, who were looking to just be able to hold on to one more thing to get them through. And so that really is why I feel hopeful mama and the launch of hopeful mama was so successful is because those women, they were there lifting us up as, as we launched this to give back to them and to women just like them.
01:00:01
Speaker
That's so beautiful. And I think, i mean, you're so right in infertility. it affects so many yeah and yet it feels like you are the only one and it is so incredibly lonely.
01:00:19
Speaker
With the community aspect that Hopeful Mama has created, what do you feel like you know women offer Discover about themselves when they do finally you know either sit in a room virtual or in person or or just commenting on you know Instagram?
01:00:37
Speaker
What do you think others, like just with other women who are in that same place, what do you think they start beginning to truly understand? Yeah. Two words came to mind, courage and empowerment. I can't tell you how many women have come to some of our virtual support groups with their their camera and their audio off because they're just so scared.
01:01:01
Speaker
But they just want to they just want to be in a space with women who understand and they don't know what they're getting into. And they join and they listen. and I can't tell you how many times someone has messaged me halfway through group and says, can I turn on my camera?
01:01:18
Speaker
Can I tell my story? Yeah. the courage that they gain from hearing someone else's story allows them to step out and finally be supported in a way that they need to be supported. And they have the courage to not only share their story, but to be supported.
01:01:35
Speaker
And empowerment, I think, because something that we don't realize is...
01:01:42
Speaker
On the infertility journey, sometimes we're very scared to to advocate for ourselves. We think the doctor knows best. I felt that way. We think that what they're telling us is the thing that the only thing we can do and there isn't really any other options. And when you sit in a group of women or you're on a support call or you're at a workshop and you hear everyone else's stories of what they've tried or what hasn't worked for them or those things, it allows you to be empowered to advocate for yourself and say, no, no, no This hasn't worked the last seven times. Do you think we could maybe try something else?
01:02:15
Speaker
Do you think we could maybe try this one thing that, you know, I've heard could possibly work? Like, could we, could we try this? And it gives them a voice to be able to self advocate from a very powerful place that I think prior to hopeful mama, they might not have felt empowered to do.
Community Support and Advocacy
01:02:34
Speaker
For sure. i mean, I think so many, as especially when you're early in your journey, you don't even know what questions to ask. You don't know what you don't know. And not only, you know, I know hopeful mamas offers the, the support groups, but how else do you think, you know, hopeful mama and other organizations, you know, like you help somebody feel less overwhelmed when they are beginning middle or, you know, who knows when the end is, how can you kind of make somebody on that journey feel less overwhelmed?
01:03:11
Speaker
I feel like each each organization is probably different, but I think coming the coming to an organization that offers support for the journey that you're on, I think it allows you to not only bounce ideas off of other individuals, but if they provide education or you know structured resources that you can ask questions and say, okay, this is what's coming up. you know what What questions can I ask or what questions have you asked that I can ask? I think, you know, for Hopeful Momma specifically, we, you know, provide them with kind of a framework or a way to navigate that system of, okay, so you're going to this appointment. These are some things that you can ask. Or you're now trying this thing. This is what you can expect.
01:03:52
Speaker
Or financially, okay, so this is when our grant is and this is how you can apply and these are the things that you you know should have together. And so I feel like organizations that come alongside, you know depending on what you know journey you're on, I think it just offers a sense of of really community that you're not going to have to do this alone and, and kind of gives you a framework of how to move through your journey. And then when you don't know, or if something bad happens, you can come and say, guys this didn't go well. And there's someone there to hug you and cry with you. And then when something goes really well, you get to come back to that same group and be like, guys, guess what it worked. And everyone is cheering for you. And you don't really get that outside of these types of communities because,
01:04:36
Speaker
As much as the the the world, society, and our families love us and support us, they don't really understand the journey in and of itself of all of the things that it entails. And hope organizations like Hopeful Mama, they really do. And so i think that that's kind of how we can be unique in supporting those types of individuals.
01:04:57
Speaker
Yeah. You've already kind of, you know, the start of Hopeful Mama was the financial barrier, um and which is so real for so many.
01:05:09
Speaker
How did the financial stress impact your own journey and why was it so important for Hopeful Mamas to address that directly through the grant program?
01:05:20
Speaker
So in all transparency, the financial stress for my journey was non-existent once I met my husband. And i think that is what propelled the...
01:05:34
Speaker
urgency that I had for financial support. Because when I looked at my situation, I realized that I'm like one in a million over here. I've met this doctor who wasn't super busy with things. He went to work, he played hockey, and that's all he did. And he put his money in this bucket and he didn't do anything with it. And then when we met and we got married night and I, and I, I And I started saying, well, how are we going to pay for all of this? What are we going to do? Like, we can't afford this. And he goes, oh, well, I've just been having this stuff sitting over here because I've just been a workaholic for, you know, my whole life until I met you. and
01:06:10
Speaker
And that's not normal. that's ah That's like a one in a million opportunity. Like, that just doesn't happen. And with my upbringing, you know, we we lived very, i wouldn't say paycheck to paycheck, but we lived very,
01:06:25
Speaker
Simply. And absolutely had had my had this situation not happened, there's no way we could have afforded the very extensive cycles that we went through. And so when I had that moment with Penelope, when she was six weeks old, I knew how lucky I was to be in that moment. holding my baby and how so many women, like they're not going to get to do that because they're not going to just randomly meet the guy that has the like penny pot over here, overflow. Like it's just not going to happen.
01:07:01
Speaker
And it happened to me. And so I felt such an urgency to give back because I, I knew that that wasn't going to be the reality for so many women. And so I was like, how can I make it a reality for them?
01:07:17
Speaker
yeah So with the grant, what does what does the Hopeful Mama grant help fund and who typically qualifies for these grants? Definitely. So our grant is geared towards a woman who is diagnosed with infertility. So that's kind of like the main, like kind of the, if you're not a woman and you're, if you're not diagnosed with infertility, then our grant just is not for you. um And that's specifically just from my journey. I wanted to give back to women just like me. So that's that's who our grant focuses on. And then we cover everything from medication, IUI, IVF, egg donation, surrogacy. We just recently added fertility preservation for those people who, like myself, had they...
01:08:00
Speaker
diagnosed me correctly at 16 and said, you know, this is going to progress. You need to harvest your eggs now and freeze them so that you have a chance to use them in the future. i didn't get that option. So our grant covers that for diagnoses like premature ovarian failure or cancer patients who are going to have to do treatment and it could impact their fertility. So we help cover or offset the cost of that fertility preservation as well. We cover genetic testing,
01:08:25
Speaker
And everything is listed on our website of what we cover and what's not covered. So it's spelled out really clearly there. And we wanted our grant to be really accessible to all so we don't have an application fee and we never will because we know how hard it is financially. Again, kind of comes back to, i know how hard it is and I know how much they're spending and I don't want them to spend $50 or $200 or whatever the application fee could be just to apply and be told no because I know that we can't award everybody because we have more than, we don't have enough money to cover everything, right? Like this last year, we 40 applicants and the need was $600,000 and those 40 applicants, and we only had $15,000 to award. So we just wanted to make sure that each woman could at least apply and have the chance at it and then not be out money if they weren't selected.
01:09:16
Speaker
That's beautiful. When is, and all of this is on the website, which is hopefulmamas.org. It's hopefulmamafoundation.org. hopefulmamafoundation.org. And for 2026, when does your application open?
01:09:34
Speaker
Yep. So it opens in April and then it's usually open until May 10th. And then the board reviews all of those applications and we usually have our recipients selected by the 1st of July.
01:09:46
Speaker
That's amazing. And that's amazing that you had 15,000 to a award to your 2025. know that made huge difference. Thank you. Yes, we are able to do 30,000 in 2026. So we're just really excited about that.
01:10:01
Speaker
That's amazing. For someone listening right now who feels stuck, whether it's just emotional, financial, medical diagnosis, what do you want them to hear today?
01:10:16
Speaker
You don't have to do this alone. um It's really easy to feel as if you are doing this alone. And so there are women just like you that also felt that way and they found a community within hopeful mama. And so I just encourage them to, to reach out for support. And again, you can join things without your audio on, without your video on, and you can do that for months and years. If you just want to come and listen and hear other stories so that you can know that you're not alone, i encourage you to do that. um
01:10:52
Speaker
And we would love to walk alongside you.
Emily's Personal Reflections on Joy
01:10:57
Speaker
When you look at your daughters, the work of Hopeful Mama and the women that you've helped along the way, what gives you the most hope for the future of fertility care?
01:11:14
Speaker
I would say what gives me the most hope is that we are breaking down barriers to what is considered and appropriate way to to parenthood.
01:11:29
Speaker
I hope that as, you know, hopeful mama grows and other organizations grow to support those struggling with infertility. i hope that we bring awareness that every path to parenthood is worthy and should be supported not only financially, but emotionally and educationally. And so i hope that, or i see I see hope that we are, we are providing that we are breaking the stigma down. We are breaking barriers down to access for support and, um,
01:11:57
Speaker
and i see i see women being able to become mothers and turning around and wanting to give back to women just like them. And that's really where Hopeful Mamas...
01:12:10
Speaker
core started and then to see other women doing that all over the country saying, you know what, in a few months, I i think I'm goingnna be ready. Like maybe I could start hosting a support group for hopeful mama in California because I'll be ready. And just seeing how they're taking on the mission, because that's the thing. Hopeful mama isn't just my mission anymore. It is the mission of all of these women that have been impacted by infertility. And they are now taking kind of like the torch and and moving it to where they are. And and that brings so much hope that there will be support all across the country soon.
01:12:44
Speaker
That's beautiful. Well, Emily, I can't thank you so much for just all of your time and all of the ways that you are making an impact and sharing your story. i have one last question for you, and it's a fun one. You've seen me this whole time sipping on my cup of coffee. And for anyone who knows me, they know that me and coffee are never far from each other. And so i always love to ask the question, what has filled your cup literally or figuratively? What has been the thing to fill your cup?
01:13:19
Speaker
What has filled my cup? Honestly, we just got doused on a bunch of snow here in Iowa. And this last week, my girls and I went out sledding. And I can't tell you the last time i have been sledding the the past, the year before I didn't really sled with them because we didn't have a lot of snow. And we made a jump on the the hill and we all got in the sled and we went off this jump we created and we fell on the ground. And it was honestly, The best moment that I have had in a long time.
01:13:55
Speaker
That's amazing. As a girl from Texas, I cannot relate, but I love it. It was really, really great. it it reminded It reminded me for a minute that ah sometimes we take life so seriously, myself included, and I get so bogged down. And it was just a moment to just lay in the snow with snow on my face and up my boots and up my gloves and just think, this is what life is all about. Just that childlike joy. And it was really wonderful.
01:14:23
Speaker
and And just those simple things. Yes. Oh, that's beautiful. Well, again, Emily, thank you so much for, you know, your time and for all you are doing. um I'm just, I'm so grateful. So thank you.
01:14:36
Speaker
Thank you for having me.