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Nine Needs of New Parents: Insights from Survey Research POSTPARTUM SERIES (feat. Travis @Therapy4Dads)
160 Plays1 year ago
In EPISODE 62 I fly solo. I share the data collected from survey research on a few polls I conducted on the @Therapy4Dads IG account. I combed through the data of over 250+ responses (I know it's not a ton, but it gave enough information to draw some themes). I discuss the nine important needs (themes) that new parents have during the first year of their baby's life, including taking initiative and acting without being asked, being connected and attuned to, and the importance of ongoing dialogues and empathy towards each other. Tune in as we discuss how to navigate changes, prioritize the needs of both partners, and ensure long-term success as a couple during the postpartum phase.
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Transcript
Introduction to Postpartum Needs
00:00:00
Speaker
We just had a baby, we're in kind of that six to 12 month phase, and what do we truly, truly need? And the answers are surprisingly similar between both male and female respondents.
Podcast and Mini-Series Overview
00:00:13
Speaker
This is a Therapy for Dads podcast. I am your host. My name is Travis. I'm a therapist, a dad, a husband. Here at Therapy for Dads, we provide content around the integration of holistic mental health, well-researched evidence-based education, and parenthood. Welcome.
00:00:32
Speaker
Welcome to the Therapy for Dads podcast. This is the last little episode of a mini series I'm doing on postpartum. If you don't know already, my name is Travis Goodman. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I've been running a little mini series within my podcast called Therapy for Dads, kind of engaging more on prepping for postpartum.
00:00:53
Speaker
phase of a baby, how to communicate better, how to navigate it, as moms and dads, how to support one another and different things we can do. And in this last little episode today, I'm really excited to finally do this bit, but essentially I'm taking information that I did. I conducted a little poll survey method, a little kind of survey research on my Instagram account therapy for dads.
00:01:16
Speaker
And
Survey Insights on Postpartum Needs
00:01:17
Speaker
I got a bit over 250 responses, which is actually kind of cool. Good amount of people. It's not an enormous amount of people. It's not like in the thousands, but it's more than 10. So, you know, looking back at postpartum phase, what was something that you needed most from your partner? What did you need more of? Or what did your partner do well?
00:01:34
Speaker
that you really appreciated. So those are the questions I posed to kind of my followers and kind of wanted to see what they really needed. And I took all that data, took all that content, and I'm actually using chat GPT, which as I know is a different episode for a different day.
00:01:50
Speaker
but I put it in and I kind of asked a few questions and so I took all the responses again over 250 and essentially asked to sort it for me. I asked it to look at themes that stood out to it between both the male and female respondents kind of themes as a whole and it came up with really these needs, these themes and it came up with nine.
00:02:11
Speaker
And so I'm going to go one by one with you and share these needs. And these are really the needs we're looking for in that postpartum phase. We just had a baby. We're in kind of that six to 12 month phase and what do we truly, truly need? And the answers are surprisingly similar between both male and female respondents.
00:02:29
Speaker
You would think maybe that there might be a significant difference between the two, that there might be some major variance, but actually, there was more similarities than there was variance. Now, these nine are in no particular order. These aren't a nine going from most important to least important or what you should do first or last. This is just kind of ad hoc, the themes that were taken between all the respondents, both male
Adapting Postpartum Needs to Individual Contexts
00:02:54
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and female.
00:02:54
Speaker
And the first one, actually on this list, is initiative in taking action without being asked. Now, this particular response was a theme I saw primarily in and from the female respondents. It was kind of sprinkled in there and a lot of their answers. And so this one specifically for men, take initiative. And what they expanded upon was taking initiative with things like washing bottles, getting diapers ready, doing the diaper station, maybe doing dishes,
00:03:25
Speaker
Prepping things prep work meal prep different things like that. So taking initiative around the house or bringing mom water Taking initiative to do a variety of things but without being asked just doing it So that's something I encourage all my kind of fathers and male listeners to that. Hey, this is a theme that really stood out apparently among the female and mom respondents and
00:03:45
Speaker
Quick caveat before I go further into the rest of the nine is while these nine I think are important and I've read through these nine and they all make sense to me, I'm like, yeah, this is a great list. What I want to say that's above and kind of above and beyond actually most important is at the end of the day, most important thing is for both partners to get together and have a dialogue.
00:04:05
Speaker
to talk about the needs and to have ongoing dialogues not just one not just two but actually maybe using this list as a starting point and then having an ongoing dialogue from and that might be day to day they might be checking in from day to day because regardless of what's being said on this list you really have to take your individual context uniquely because your context
The Role of Empathy and Teamwork
00:04:25
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While there will be similarities between your newborn postpartum phase and to others, there are significant differences from families that have a lot of external help and support to families that are completely and utterly alone to financial means. I mean, there's so much variance between this. And so in the end of the day, the most important thing is to talk to your partner.
00:04:47
Speaker
to ask them what they're really needing to ask them what works in our context what works in our in our life currently and how do we best support each other how do we work as a team as we essentially begin raising a newborn or if you're having twins or even if this is your third or fourth or fifth baby how do we best support each other
00:05:05
Speaker
So going back to the list, that first one is really a call for men taking initiative without being asked. And again, this all goes back to that core theme of just talk to your partner first. At the end of the day, have a dialogue. The second one is having understanding and empathy towards each other's physical and emotional changes.
00:05:23
Speaker
Now I've worked with a lot of couples in this, both men and women, as well as thinking of my own story, is that there are physical and emotional changes that occur postpartum. I think this is definitely something that's not talked about enough. I think a lot of men, even women, go into it not with blinders on, but I think a lack of awareness of what those changes could actually look like in reality. I think this is something that needs to be talked about more. Now there are some classes, some
00:05:48
Speaker
kind of doulas, some midwives, or other birthing classes that go more in-depth on some of these topics. But by and large, I think a lot of people I think might be surprised by it. So some physical changes and emotional changes. How is mom's recovery? What kind of birth was it? Was it cesarean? Was it vaginal?
00:06:07
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was you know was there tearing was there no tearing to what degree um just in just all these things that can change and that's going to cause some physical changes for for the recovery is that a week period a two week a four week period of recovery um was there anything any other emergent things that happened in the birth
00:06:24
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birthing process and all the emotional changes, hormonally, for both men and women. In fact, there's a lot of research out there showing that men have hormonal changes as well. Different emotional changes could be as their postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety also in the mix of it. Mom's hormones can also be all over the place because of the change in birthing the baby to now, whether they're breastfeeding or bottle feeding, there's all these things happening.
00:06:46
Speaker
And again, this goes back to having a conversation. How are we doing? How are you doing physically, emotionally, mentally, and having this ongoing dialogue? But the core is understanding and having empathy towards one another. Both partners may have a different experience. And so we need to understand where our partner's coming from, because we're a team. And if we're a team, we care for the other.
Prioritizing Sleep and Emotional Support
00:07:06
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The third one
00:07:06
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which goes right and kind of flows nicely as collaboration and teamwork. I was mentioning teamwork because it's such a key theme is working together as a team that if we're a team, hey dads, you know, those that like sports is like, hey, huddle up, have a huddle, you know, reset the play. Don't keep running the wrong, you know, formation or wrong run or wrong, you know, pass formation, whatever you're doing, if you're doing football or whatever. You need to huddle up with your teammate, with your quarterback or whatever position your partner's playing and say, what do we really need today? Because what you need today might be different than tomorrow, might be different than next week.
00:07:36
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and the following month. And right now I'm addressing couples here, not single-parent households, and it's a whole other ballgame. But for couples, it's about teamwork, it's about your partner. And if you're a team, we have to collaborate regularly. This is not a one-time conversation. That's where couples get stuck, is then they make assumptions and expectations, or things are communicated, or they are communicated in maybe ways that aren't heard or well-received. And so if it's about the team, reset.
00:08:04
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What does your partner need, dads? What does your teammate, your partner need right now? How can you help her? How can you take initiative? How is she doing? And vice versa, moms, how is dad doing? Dads also have an experience in change too. Dads also need that collaborative teamwork as well. How are we navigating our nights with our newborn? Who's waking up? How often?
00:08:25
Speaker
what are we doing whether we're breastfeeding or bottle feeding formula feeding how are we navigating this so it's about the team number four prioritizing sleep and rest now having three kids of my own i can say that how important that is our babies were not great sleepers we had colic with our first two and so that really made sleep even more difficult for us and i know this ranges
00:08:44
Speaker
and it's so different from family to family from families that their babies are just sleeping just from the get-go and the families where I feel like you're waking up every hour but if we can prioritize sleep and rest for you know the moms and for the dads but I think what I'm hearing more is is dads helping prioritize sleep before mom so dads when you get home give mom a rest you know take the baby
00:09:03
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uh if you can help out with night feedings help mom give her that rest even if you're going to work hey i went to work as well now our babies would not bottle feed we tried everything but i did my best i would always get up grab the baby i would change the baby i would get bottle baby ready for mom and then i would put baby back down i would say you know what you need your sleep and i know that
00:09:21
Speaker
The baby doesn't make bottle, if they would, I would totally take a feeding, but I'm gonna do what I can to help support you. I would also take early morning rises and give my wife time to sleep in, to rest. This is so important because we need sleep, we need to rest, to recuperate, to re-energize. And I know that could be hard, but again, going back to the team, who needs what right now? This is not a quid pro quo thing, it's a team effort. So as a team, who needs what today? How do we prioritize that person today, whether it's mom or dad?
00:09:50
Speaker
How do we do that? How do we navigate this? And again, it goes back to teamwork. And now for a short break. So if you're looking for ways to support the show and my YouTube channel, head on over to buy me a copy.com forward slash therapy for dads. There you can make a one time donation or join the monthly subscription service to support all that I'm doing at the intersection of fatherhood and mental health.
00:10:14
Speaker
and all the proceeds go right back into all the work that I'm doing, into production, and to continue to grow the show to bring on new guests.
Adapting Relationship Dynamics
00:10:23
Speaker
So again, head on over to buymeacoffee.com forward slash therapy for dads. Thanks, and let's get back to the show.
00:10:30
Speaker
Number five, supporting each other emotionally. So again, so key is, you know, this theme of emotional support. So we could have such an array of emotions and feelings with a baby, with a new baby, whether it's our first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, it doesn't really matter, but there could be such a shift, such a change, you know, for a variety of reasons. How was the birth? Was it traumatic? Was it calm? Was it what we wanted? Was it what we not wanted? Are things happening how we expected or not expected them? Is his mother, fatherhood? Is it super simple? Is it super hard? Is it confusing?
00:10:59
Speaker
You know, what is it? And we could have such a swing of emotions and so supporting each other emotionally, so listening to one another, checking in how you doing, how you feeling, having that conversation, that dialogue is gonna be so, so helpful and listening. Don't try and fix. Dads don't try and fix and say, well, at least it's not this or, you know, at least it wasn't this thing. You know, it's gonna be, you know, things are gonna get better. While those things might be true, we want to work on actually hearing our partner.
00:11:26
Speaker
And same goes for dads who need to be heard emotionally too. Moms, hey, listen, support. You know, listen to what they're doing. Validate where they're coming from. And then if you need to work on coming with a solution with how we can problem solve. But first listen, seek to understand and validate. Number six, adjusting to the changing dynamics of the relationship. So this is a big one. I think a lot of things fall under this. Life is so different now with kiddos. While it can and often is an amazing thing, amazing gift, very exciting. There's also for some of us a big loss. It changes things. So what we used to, what life used to look like.
00:11:56
Speaker
Even if you're looking forward to a baby there can still be this kind of unexpected grief happening with the changes You know, there's changes within the relationship dynamic like we maybe not right now don't have as much time for each other Maybe we're so exhausted and tired that we don't have a lot of time So that's changing between the couple different ways of intimacy, you know emotional mental physical intimacy Are we connecting as much as we used to often you're not your or you have to adapt maybe you're not having as much sex as you used to because of
00:12:21
Speaker
physical changes or just hormonal changes that we need to now adapt to. And so that could feel like there's a distance between us or maybe emotionally or mentally. Again, we're so exhausted that we aren't having conversations like we used to. So we have to prepare and adjust on the fly, on the go. You know, how do we navigate this change? And again, if you're communicating regularly, if you're checking in with each other, you're more likely to be successful at this, to hear each other, to say, wow, this is hard and to validate each other and then come up with, well, how do we connect?
00:12:49
Speaker
How do we work in this new range of dynamic with a kid who's not sleeping or barely sleeping? How do we find time together? Because that is so key, so important because again, going back to the team. I know I keep hitting the team a lot. It's one that I think is vitally important for success as a couple for long-term is we are a team and if we're a team, if that's the foundation and everything goes back to that, you're more likely to successfully navigate really any difficult or any life change in your life.
00:13:11
Speaker
Number seven, communication and checking in with each other. There you go. There's a theme, right? I know I've been saying this, checking in, checking in. Well, obviously, if I was saying it, and I actually forgot it was on this list, it's so
Respecting Personal Space and Feedback
00:13:21
Speaker
key, right? It's communicating and checking in with each other, and I would add regularly. It doesn't have to be these hour conversations or, you know, this super in-depth thing, but it could be as simple as a quick five-minute check-in. It might take longer, but often it's just this regular, how are we doing? What do you need? And if you don't know where to start, just start there.
00:13:37
Speaker
How are you doing? How can I support you today? What do you need today? And then let your partner tell you and then do it and vice versa What do you need back and forth if you do nothing else? Just do that because if you're doing that regularly enough you'll begin dads that could catch themes that you hear mom saying a lot if mom is moms are saying the same thing over and over again That's a great thing to take initiative on moving forward without having to ask and vice versa mom says you ask dad You might catch on themes for him to what's he needing? What's going on for him?
00:14:02
Speaker
Number eight, respecting each other's needs for space. This was an interesting one that I got some responses on, but it was really for both a need for just alone time, a need to just have some quiet. Now, I know this won't apply to everybody, but there was enough responses on this that I found from both male and female partners. I was like, okay, this is interesting that they both are saying a need for space, a need for just this alone time away from it all.
00:14:25
Speaker
So if this is you or if your partner needs this, this is a great time to take initiative. Let's all just use a very typical role, typical thing. Dad gets home from doing the day job. Mom's at home doing the day job with the baby and dad comes home and says, I got baby, you go in the room for an hour or whatever by yourself or go for a walk. I got baby, you're good to go. So taking initiative in that sense of I have baby, you go have your quiet alone time.
00:14:47
Speaker
and doing what works for you and that's a great time to take initiative for her to feel loved and cared for to get that space and vice versa if dad needs that space. How do we work that in? How does he get that time as well? And number nine, this was a big, big, big one, a big theme I saw from both men and women and even more so with men is acceptance without judgment. So acceptance of who they are.
00:15:08
Speaker
how they are, how they're doing as a mom or a dad, not judging them as being good or bad mom or dad, but acceptance of just the changes that are going on as you become a, again, first-time parent or fifth-time parent, that there are all these changes going on and wrapping that up with a non-judgmental stance, but a stance of acceptance and empathy and love and curiosity and caring, wrapping that up and wrapping your partner up in that.
00:15:32
Speaker
makes your partner feel loved because I know what can happen sometimes in this space of being a new parent especially first-time parents is and I remember our first time is so many questions about am I doing it right am I doing it is this right or am I totally messing up and failing as a parent am I getting it wrong am I
00:15:47
Speaker
messing up my kid and you know, if we come to our partner and they're in that space and we just come with acceptance and say, man, I get it. This is hard and I'm here versus, you know, God, why, what's wrong with you? Why are you thinking these like coming with some type of judgment? We don't need that. We're in this place. We just need to be connected to, we need people to attune to us, to come alongside us and to listen to us.
00:16:07
Speaker
And so these nine kind of themes that stood out from the 250 plus responses, you know, as I'm talking, I'm sure you're hearing and paying attention and saying, wow, that sounds like what I needed, or that's what was done for me. And this really helped me. And if that is, I'd love to hear from you and to share your feedback of, you know, what would you add to the list list or something that you really resonated with or something you.
00:16:26
Speaker
connected with. I would love to hear that so go ahead and share that please with me. I would love to hear back from you on that and so this is not in it's not an exhaustive list but again the themes that came from this survey that I did for those of you that have friends that are becoming a first-time parent share this episode that this is a great list of needs in fact add yours again like I said for something that you would want to add to this please add to this this is not every response but these were the themes that stood out to me
00:16:52
Speaker
And so this has been a fun and exciting series. I'm gonna have more episodes I think sprinkled throughout on postpartum, but this was a fun little shift of gears so to speak over the past few episodes of having just specific ones on this kind of specific series of postpartum. If you know someone who might benefit from this
00:17:08
Speaker
please share, please share this episode or share the previous ones. It's really, it made it simple in the titles. It'll say the name of the show and then in caps I put postpartum series. So there's I think five or six episodes total. Ask questions, reach out to me, send me a message, email me, DM me, whatever. I'm more than happy to discuss and talk more with you. But this was really, really exciting to kind of finally put this list together and as a way to kind of capstone kind of this series where these themes that stood out.
00:17:36
Speaker
So have a great rest of your week and I'll see you next time. Thanks for joining and listening today. Please leave a comment and review the show. Dads are tough, but not tough enough to do this fatherhood thing alone.