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The Bizarre Dictatorship of Saparmurat Niyazov | History Defeats Itself
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In this episode, Kevin, John, and Greg take you on a wild ride through the absurd world of Saparmurat Niyazov, Turkmenistan's most eccentric dictator. Prepare to be amazed as John leads us through the quirkiest moments of Niyazov's rule, from renaming months after his family members to making Melon Day a priority. Find out how this outlandish leader exemplifies the folly of history and what we can learn from his peculiar reign.
Laugh, learn, and shake your head in disbelief with your favorite comedy trio as we dissect Niyazov's legacy and its place in the annals of history. Don't forget to LIKE, SHARE, and SUBSCRIBE for more hilarious takes on historical events!
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Transcript
Humorous Seating and Podcast Introduction
00:00:08
Speaker
That would be different. I mean, for the rest of us, not for you two. Hey, John, I have an idea. So here's what I'm going to do. Wait, wait, hold on. Are you going to ball? Are you going dick over chin or dick over forehead? Which way are you sitting, buddy? What's more humiliating? I think both are equally humiliating. I don't know that I could differentiate, yeah. Maybe dick over face, because then the ball is going to do. But you have to think about everything that's on your actual face if it's going the other way.
00:00:26
Speaker
So you guys get ready, there's gonna be a big change on my face coming soon.
00:00:35
Speaker
Yeah. You know? It's true. That's European.
00:00:58
Speaker
Welcome to History Defeats Itself, a comedy podcast that discusses how people never seem to learn from their history. Thank you for being here. My name is Kevin Rosenquist and I am joined by two people who will not be replaced with AI despite my best efforts, John Banks and Greg Mitchell. How are you guys?
00:01:20
Speaker
I am a computer simulation. Yeah, you don't know. That's not how it works. I'm actually going to be replaced by a 17-year-old who's funnier, better looking, has more energy. I'm pretty sure you could be replaced by a mannequin. I think if I replace you with a 17-year-old, people would ask questions.
00:01:37
Speaker
Remember last episode when John was replaced by that empty chair? He was never more engaging. That empty chair was, it won awards. It won awards. A lot of very special history defeats itself. It won a PODZY. PODZY. How are you guys? You good? Jersey. I'm doing great, man. How are you, Kevin? I haven't asked that in a while. How's Kevin doing? Kevin's busy, but Kevin's good. Kevin's good. What's keeping Kevin busy?
AI Podcast Discussion: 'Zero Shot'
00:02:05
Speaker
That's a nice one. I did not ask him to do that, but I have a new podcast. It's called Zero Shot for anybody out there who is interested in A.I. I interview. Is it a hockey podcast? Is the A.I. hockey podcast? It's not. I listen to it and it is not hockey related. It is not. I listen to one episode. It's an interview podcast where I talk to founders and CEOs of A.I. companies. And so if you want to learn and really doesn't know shit about it,
00:02:33
Speaker
Uh-uh. If you want to learn about AI, that's not a bad way to do it. Listen to his guess, not him. These people are fucking smart. Holy shit. So you're saying CEO, but I think it's actually pronounced Chio. So just want to point that out. Thanks. He's right. Chio. Okay, Chio. It's a Spanish C.
00:02:53
Speaker
I'll make sure I start calling people Chio when they come on the episode. Thanks for joining me, Mr. Chio. I think you're supposed to pronounce it like they would in Spain. It's pronounced Theo. You know what? I should always consult you guys before I start a new podcast. You've been calling them CEOs? God, you're an idiot. You've been making yourself look so stupid. I feel so dumb. I feel so dumb. And you're super white today.
00:03:19
Speaker
Him? That's not true. That's why I was doing better. You're as white as you always are. I wouldn't say super white. You're just white. Pinkish. I think John is probably pretty close to your coloring, but he comes across much more tan. Yeah, tan. Yeah. Not that that looks healthier or anything like that. I'm not trying to judge, but you're super bright. So the podcast is called Zero Shot and it will be my only podcast soon.
00:03:49
Speaker
What does zero shot mean? It's a type of machine learning. It's a way to, it's a, it's a style of machine learning. It's narrow AI.
00:04:00
Speaker
You know, I don't want to talk to you anymore, Greg. Long episode. So now we have to, we have to do the whole podcast, me talking or we're going to talk to each other through John. John, tell Kevin he looks cute today. Hey, Kevin. Yeah, Greg. Greg thinks you look a little sexy today. Oh, can you do me a favor and tell Greg to go fuck himself? Hey, uh, Greg, Kevin said it's on buddy.
00:04:29
Speaker
He's actually, I'm sorry. He said, why don't you go warm yourself up and he's coming over. Hey, can you tell Kevin last last longer than five seconds next time? Hey, Kevin. Greg's really excited for what's coming. Okay. He knows going to be quick, but it's going to be full of love. Okay. Okay. Can you tell him to maybe drop a few pounds before I get there?
00:04:51
Speaker
Uh, hey. Hey, uh, be delicate, Greg, Greg, delicate Kevin. Kevin thinks maybe you should get a haircut. Okay. Might slim your face up a little. Okay. Because you're fat.
00:05:10
Speaker
Solid. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok.
Social Media and Beards
00:05:15
Speaker
Admittedly, I have not been posting very much, so to our legions of fans who expect more content, I apologize. We haven't put up a newsletter in a few weeks. We've been busy. We're busy people. We're very, very busy people.
00:05:28
Speaker
Particularly John it takes a lot to have that beard, you know it does I'm gonna do beard cream. There's a beard seminars There's beard ironing because it's basically just when it's when I get the shower. It's like curled up this tight So I got to stretch out each hair and iron it out. So it's a lot of work. That's a commitment It is it's a big commitment. I do it for the fans
00:05:49
Speaker
Well, I appreciate that because when I do actually do videos, I have that cool beard that I use to be John Banks. That helps differentiate the two of us. If it weren't for that, I'm not sure what I would do. That's a good point.
00:06:03
Speaker
All right, that's all I got. So John, it's your turn tonight, buddy. It's me. It's John.
Introduction to Dictatorships
00:06:10
Speaker
What? I researched and wrote a whole thing. Okay, so this is from a magazine called Dictators Quarterly. Periodical? Yeah, it's not really. But we are going to talk about dictators. And in particular, we're going to talk about- That's my favorite kind of potato. Yep, the one you put on your dick.
00:06:33
Speaker
We're going to talk about one in particular because I think we can all agree that things we've seen happen in our life, dictators do some crazy shit, but this guy, this guy did the craziest shit. He's no longer with us. So God bless him or peace all up. Awesome. I'm like, whatever he is. But, but first let's talk a little bit about, can we guess who it is? Yeah. I'm going to say it's Edie Amin. Mm-hmm.
00:07:03
Speaker
Am I supposed to guess? I was waiting on you. Tom Hanks. Yes, it is Tom Hanks, the great MGM dictator. So no, you're both wrong. And we'll get to the name later because I don't want to give anything away. Greg Benito Mussolini. Yeah, he wasn't. He didn't do crazy shit. He just said mean shit.
00:07:32
Speaker
All right, so there were basically four types of dictators. Charles Schwab. Tom Hanks. You guys are, yeah, I mean, definitely dictators, definitely dictators. Have you guys seen like the anti Tom Hanks, like his son? He's got Colin and then he's got that one that's a rebel. Yeah. No, I only know Colin. I don't know the other one. You gotta do some digging on that. I wouldn't even say he's a rebel. He's just an idiot. He is fucking. He's just an idiot.
00:08:03
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to do my episode and tell about him. On the other Hanks kid. Yeah. The Uncolon, if you will. All right, so first there's a military dictatorship, which is power is obtained and maintained through military might. The military takes control of the country, installs a dictator of its choosing, and uses force of arms to preserve its power.
00:08:29
Speaker
That's your classic. I feel like that's a good portion of them.
Types of Dictatorships
00:08:32
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. Might makes right. If you're not a tough fuck, you won't stay in power if you're going to be an asshole. Can't ride a horse shirtless. What kind of a man are you? Sounds like it's Vladimir Putin now. Uh, I mean, that's a, it's got a little misdirection. Damn it.
00:08:54
Speaker
I feel misdirected. Do you feel hysterected? No. Technically, you don't have a uterus. That's true, but I don't know that I had one removed either. Proportedly. Do you remember everything that happened to you as a baby? Touché. Probably would remember that though. That might stick with me. That's kind of a big deal.
00:09:24
Speaker
Somebody got that uterus removed. The second is a personal elastic dictatorship and this leader may be supported by a party or military but still retains the overwhelming majority of power, especially regarding whom to place in which government rolls and relies heavily upon their own charisma to maintain control.
Eccentric Policies of Turkmenistan's Dictator
00:09:52
Speaker
So I feel like this is like if you're a cult leader, if you can really get that cult going, your next step is gonna be this kind of dictator. And then there's an absolute monarchies, and this is power obtained and passed through family connections. And then the last one.
00:10:09
Speaker
which I think this is actually, this is probably technically more dictatorship sort of this, but then, I mean, they all kind of lean on each other or use things from each thing, but single party dictatorship, also called a dominant party dictatorship or one party state, multiple political parties may exist, but one dominates the government, makes all the rules, is free to disseminate propaganda and controls every aspect of every election.
00:10:35
Speaker
thereby ensuing their win every time. That kind of could be a combination. That can go along with other ones too. That's how he opened it, Kevin. Pay attention, buddy. Fuck me, man. I'm just trying to talk. Are we going to talk about Kevin being a dictator on this show? Because that's where it sounds like you're leading.
00:10:57
Speaker
Yes. Stop stealing my goddamn thunder. Fucking controlling this guy, Kevin. You're such a. You know what? Maybe if you were capable of actually doing anything on your own, I wouldn't have to control you. Oh yeah. How has that newsletter been coming out lately? Biweekly? I don't remember. When was the last time you sent in your part? I don't remember the last time you asked me for it because you keep on not being able to do it because you're spending all your time doing your zero fucking tolerance podcast.
00:11:26
Speaker
Evan, are you guys gonna break up? It's too late, John. You can't save this. Um... Shut up, NPR. So today... Oh, so there's also been some of the things I was reading. Some people... I'm a lot of pet her on my microphone. Some people actually say there is a fifth type of dictatorship, which is a hybrid dictatorship, but it's basically... Goddamn it, John. Stop fucking... If there's a quiz at the end of this shit, I'm gonna fail it.
00:11:55
Speaker
But then, how will I feel superior and dominant to both of you? If I were a dictator. You're a dictator. So... Dick. You have the Castro beard. I do. And the Castro balls. And Castro. I don't know. They're Cuban? They like cigars? I mean, I don't know. They're covered in potato and filled with meat. You ever have those little Cuban... Oh, have you ever been to Portos, Kevin, when you were here?
00:12:23
Speaker
Where are we, where do we go here? Like this just really went off. We're talking about Porto's Testies and now we're talking about Porto's. Porto's is a bakery. It's a Cuban bakery in LA. And we started with, yeah, we started with cigars and then we went testes. No, no, no. You did cigars. I never brought up cigars. I said balls, potato covered balls. That's what I said. Okay. Which is I'm going on my own path, right? But we're not just what you do. It's like culinary delight. Kevin wants to bring his testes into it. Yeah.
00:12:50
Speaker
I'm not opposed. So there's some people say there's like hybrid dictatorship, which is kind of a mix of these different things, right? I had a Honda Civic hybrid. Oh, you did? It was like brown. It was tan. Poopoo brown. It was tan. It was the color of the shit emoji on your phone. No, it was tan. No, it was not.
00:13:12
Speaker
Some people even thought it was kind of a silver region. Listen, you one eyed motherfucker. It was brown. I don't need two eyes to see color. And apparently you tell me what color my car was. You stupid fuck. So I got it for the gas. What'd you get? Like 38. This fucking episode is Honda. Awesome so far. Honda Civic Hybrid. Not as good as a Prius, but it'll do. But cheaper. Yep. That's true. Cheaper than a Prius and not saying something.
00:13:46
Speaker
Today I'm going to be discussing the former dictator of Turkvenistan, not the current guy, which is, which his name is Gurbagulli? Burdamuhubadow. Nice. No way that that's wrong. That is, that is his name. I looked the shit up. I went to a website. I had it pronounced over and over again. That's the motherfucker's name. And that is how you say it. Say it again. Nope.
00:14:14
Speaker
But the guy before him, and that guy, that guy was named Saparmit Ataviek Natadow, was born on February 19th, 1940 in the Turkmen SSR. According to the official version, no he died. When did he change his name to Tom Hanks? That didn't happen until the 90s. Okay. It was post Forest Gump, not pre Forest Gump. Okay, gotcha. I think it was for Apollo 13. Okay, yeah that makes sense.
00:14:43
Speaker
Definitely not that great of a movie. That was a very overrated movie. I agree with that I didn't like the fact that one dude was kept on sweating during it because he had the flu or something like that He had a fever so I was like You know what? All right. I don't want to watch this guy sweat for two hours Tom Hanks Kevin Bacon and
00:15:04
Speaker
The guy who played Lieutenant Dan. No, in the pod. Those are the three guys in the pod. Wait, who's the third guy? It was the guy who played Lieutenant Dan. What's his name? Oh, Sinise. Yeah, Gary Sinise. Are you sure? I will bet your life on it. I don't think so. I'm going to look at him. Are you going to Google that shit? Keep talking about that guy. Google that stuff every time. All right. So this dude was born, blah, blah, blah, blah. According to the official version of his biography, his father, Atmarat, died in World War II. Tom Hanks, senior.
00:15:35
Speaker
Yeah, died in World War II fighting against Nazi Germany while other sources contend that he dodged fighting and was therefore sentenced by a military court. Wait, there was no Kevin Bacon? No. Yeah, Kevin Bacon was in it. But you said Gary Sneeze. I think Bill Paxton was the one that was sweating the whole time. Right, but I'm talking about the guys in the pod. Bill Paxton was in the pod. Were there four guys in the pod? Yeah, I think so.
00:16:06
Speaker
I mean, three out of four, anybody. You guys wanna know a pod no one's gonna listen to? Do you keep this shit up? It's the, what the fuck happened to Gary Sneeze pod, guys? Bill Paxton died. He did, he did. Yeah. His son's a really, his son was in Top Gun, I think.
00:16:24
Speaker
He was. A lot of people died, Greg. There's a lot of people who've died. Yeah, but he's died young. Especially under dictators. Yes, that is true. And they died young too. They did. A lot of them. Bring it back around.
00:16:38
Speaker
His mother and two brothers were killed. Gary Sinise? What? Gary Sinise's mother and brother? Okay, we're gonna let this go. You're just gonna, just, seriously. Yeah, just shut the fuck up. Oh, this is my fault. I mean, you're gonna, listen, if you're gonna interrupt me, be funny. Because you are not, you are not- Why start now, John? I think I'm gonna be a different personality. We keep playing.
00:16:59
Speaker
So his mom and dad, his mom and brothers died on an earthquake in 1948 and then he grew up in a Soviet orphanage before the state found a distant relative and put him in with that relative. I bet you they really pampered you in that Soviet orphanage. I bet there was nothing but hugs and teddy bears. I mean, how could the guy not be a dictator? He was in a Russian orphanage. Soviet. USSR. I think the Beatles wrote a sign about that.
00:17:28
Speaker
Thanks for that, Gavin. Sure. So then, he did some shit, he did some shit. In 1962, he started his political career becoming a member of the Communist Party. He quickly rose to the ranks becoming first secretary of the Ashkabat City Committee and first secretary of the Communist Party of the Turkmen SSR in 1985.
Post-Soviet Turkmenistan and Dictator's Legacy
00:17:51
Speaker
So now we're just making shit up.
00:17:53
Speaker
So he was still in the Soviet Union at this point? Well, yeah, because the Soviet Union still existed. But that's where he was at this point. Yes, because that was where he was born. Is Turkmenistan part of that? Well, it wasn't called Turkmenistan at the time.
00:18:12
Speaker
So what happened was in 1989, the wall came down. It was in Berlin. It wasn't in 1999. It was 1989. Oh, okay. I thought you said 1999. No, I said 1989. 1999 was the year that the prints came out. Partied. Partied like it was 1999. And Y2K. Pretty sure you said 1999. I said 1989. But I said, yeah, so that's on me. It sounded like 99 to me too, but you're from the South, so you probably are dyslexic.
00:18:42
Speaker
I mean, is it dyslexic when you just don't know what numbers are? Yes. I thought it was the order that they went in, like you couldn't remember the order, or they looked backwards. I'm not breaking call on again. So when I say it was 1998, not 19, or 1898? 1899? Okay.
00:19:01
Speaker
Look, I don't have time to edit this much out. Can you guys please? I apologize. I apologize. I'm not going to make this any more tedious than I've been. And I realize I've been in an annoying distraction. And I will stop now. And I'm going to listen to every word that John Banks has to say now. I wish we could believe you. So in 1985, he did that thing. And then he gained this post after Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev had removed his predecessor following a cotton-related scandal.
00:19:30
Speaker
No. I didn't dive into what the scandal was because we don't have time for that, but I just thought, what? So there's a topic, what have you could do? Cotton-related scandals. I can imagine that. What have we learned? Any kind of commodity probably could elicit some form of a scandal. That's true. Especially if you're like Mikhail Gorichov. We're lumber brokers. Do you think we're going to elicit a scandal?
00:19:59
Speaker
We could. I want tree, cut tree, sold tree. If we're in the Soviet area, the Soviet era, the Soviet Union, we would never use the standard. If we were in the Soviet area, in the Soviet era. Is there any information about whether this cotton situation
00:20:18
Speaker
had anything to do with how he got his birthmark? I'm assuming the cotton scandal was a dude named Cotton. I think he pretty much defined it by saying his birthmark, which means it happened when he was born, so obviously this is after. So obviously that is correct, is what you're saying. That's what I'm saying.
00:20:35
Speaker
Good deductive reasoning there, Sherlock Holmes. That's right. I've been reading a lot about science. Under Nia Dao, the Turkmen Communist Party had a reputation as one of the most hard-line and unreformed party organizations in the Soviet Union. And they probably had a lot of competition, because I bet you everyone was a prick. I mean, right. Russia's not known for their easy prison sentences. Yeah, if you're a real hard-line Soviet, that's terrifying.
00:21:03
Speaker
No offense, but I think if you're living in Russia and you're not in prison, it's not great. I mean, oh yeah, now and before. All the time. All the time. When was it great? There was like a moment from like 89 to 91. 1991? When Boris Shelton, when he was the whatever. He was kind of a...
00:21:26
Speaker
Whatever. I don't want to see anything that's going to get any Russian guys like throwing some kind of weird chemical on my face. I don't think we have enough listeners for that to happen. That could be all it takes is one, John. I guess so. Real hardliner. I wish I was a hardliner. There you go. I can't commit. Wow, that whiskey got me good.
00:21:48
Speaker
Well, hey, at least he'll shut up for a bit. I don't think you would survive a Russian prison camp. If whiskey's doing that to you, buddy, you ain't going to make it. Because all you get is vodka in there. Yeah. And a sledgehammer. And you just hit rocks for no reason. And yourself. You hit yourself with a sledgehammer. Yeah. Part of your sentence. I have to hit myself with a sledgehammer. I'm pretty sure I'm only going to get to one.
00:22:13
Speaker
Isn't that Peter Gabriel? Didn't you write a song about Greg hitting himself with a sledgehammer? Yeah, I hate- I hate Peter Gabriel. Oh! I actually really- I really like Peter Gabriel. Me too. Yeah. I really wish that Peter Gabriel and Dave Matthews would do a duet. Oh, that I cannot agree with. Why would you sledgehammer? Um... On January 13th, 1990, the fifth fucking time I'm trying to get this out. Shut the fuck up, Greg. Shut your fucking mouth. Okay.
00:22:44
Speaker
Sorry. I bet you it's not going to be fun. I call that. I didn't understand anything you just said. Because you talked over it. And even if I did, it was stupid.
00:23:09
Speaker
Craig, didn't we have a rule in the bylaws about you not getting high before an episode because of this? Yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot you were high. I need you guys to dictate my drug use. I wonder if Jen's gonna get those onion rings. Why wouldn't she? What is it, like 6 p.m. where you are? Come on, man.
00:23:30
Speaker
Yeah, 607. Yeah, this is onion ring time, buddy. PST, maybe. PST. I'm sorry, John. I'm going to seriously, I'm going to work on not being... I'm going to work on it. I'm going to work on it. In real time. Yeah. Here I go. Thanks. I appreciate that. I love you, John. This is going to be good.
00:23:52
Speaker
So, Nazedal supported the Soviet coup attempt of 1991, which was two years after the fall of the Soviet Union and the Berlin Wall. However, after the coup collapsed, he set about separating Turkmenistan from the dying Soviet Union. The Turkmen Supreme Soviet declared Turkmenistan independent and appointed Niaodal as the country's first president on October 27, 1991. Sorry, who appointed him? The Turkmen Supreme Soviet.
00:24:22
Speaker
What is that? It's the Turkmen Supreme Soviet. I don't fucking know. It's like the Pope. I think it's like Darth Maul. It's the Soviet Pope. Darth Maul basically said, you're the president now. And who's going to argue with Darth Maul? Let's be honest. No one. Unless you want to get your head cut off. So on June 21st, 19th. I don't know who you got from Spaceballs.
00:24:46
Speaker
Wait, what now? Who's the guy from Spaceballs? Rick Moranis? No, not that guy, like that tough guy. He could probably take on Darth Maul. Bill Pullman? Yeah. Yeah. Not to be confused with Bill Paxton. Yeah. Yeah, he wouldn't like that. Oh, it was Bill Pillman. Nope. Bill Pullman's son was in Top Gun Maverick. Oh, God. Yeah.
00:25:09
Speaker
Not Bill Paxton, but Bill Paxton. Glad we cleared that shit up. I didn't want to, please don't send me your nasty letters. Oh, so, so I say, oh, and then, and so then there was an election and then he was elected again, but he was the only person running. Uh, and a year later, everyone else who just said they would run, we were probably murdered. Probably. Um, and so a year later he was declared himself Turk men bossy.
00:25:38
Speaker
That's what he called himself from moving forward. So from moving forward, we will now know him as Turkmen Bashi. And what it means is leader of all Turkmen. Okay. Like, so now I know like, I just kind of want to like, we're getting through the boring shit because so, okay, blah, blah, blah, bad stuff, bad stuff. Someone tried to kill him. It may not have been boring had we been able to hear it, but no one knows what it was you were trying to talk about because Panama read over there.
00:26:07
Speaker
So, yeah. Wait, is Greg Panama red? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Let's see. Oh, he gave... Yeah, so he gave himself the name of that. And then in 1999, the Assembly of Turkmenistan declared Niazdal president for life of Turkmenistan. Wow. Yeah. That's never a good idea. I mean, what can go wrong? Let me tell you. Stuff did.
00:26:34
Speaker
So, I mean, he was like a brutal guy, but also he's like a total fucking schizophrenic. Because he also, Turkmenistan is a Muslim country.
00:26:43
Speaker
And so, in keeping with the predominantly Islamic nature of Turkmen society, President Neizdao granted pardons each year on the Leilat al-Qadar, the Night of Destiny, in the month of Ramadan. For example, in 2005, 8,145 convicts were pardoned, including 229 foreign nationals. In 2006, Turkmenistan set free 10,056 prisoners, including 253 foreign nationals, from 11 different countries.
00:27:12
Speaker
And at the time, now as they all said, let this human, I'm sorry, let this humane act on the part of the state serve strengthening truly moral values of the Turkmen society. Let the entire world know that there has never been a place for evil and violence on the blessed Turkmen soil.
00:27:31
Speaker
Now, later, someone tried to kill him, and a lot of people suspect that the government actually set that up because he said it was an attempted coup, and he basically cleared out any competition that he would ever have. And then he also put up surveillance cameras everywhere in the capital of Russia. But it was before they had that technology, so it was just like oil boxes. Yeah, it was pigeons. What's an oil box? Pigeons it could write.
00:27:57
Speaker
That could draw so he what get his writing So the Turk so so the he made the media refer to him
00:28:07
Speaker
So, every time they would speak of him, they had to refer to him as his excellency, Sapur Marat, Turk Menbashi, President of Turkmenistan, and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers. So, anytime you were gonna fucking do a story about this guy, and every time you said his name, you had to fucking say all that shit. Jeez, imagine being his wife. Oh, yeah, give it to me, his excellently, Sakurma Turkmenistan, President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah, I keep balls on my face. He's actually super not tricking me. He made it mandatory to read the Runama in schools, which is his autobiography, universities and government organizations. New governmental employees were tested on the book at job interviews and an exam on its teachings was part of the divine test in Turkmenistan.
00:29:01
Speaker
In fairness though, I make you guys read my autobiography to stay on the podcast. Well, right. It's mostly gibberish and it's four pages long. So it's not that big of a commitment. It's not that big of a deal, but I mean, the title is good. Punctured, punctured, long punctured heart. If I ever read an autobiography, that's my title. I'm going to have chat GPT write me an autobiography.
00:29:29
Speaker
with that title with that title. Yeah. Um, so, okay. So he didn't do anything like crazy, crazy, um, in the beginning. And then around once, basically once they said your president for life started doing some crazy shit, right? Shocker shocker, but not even like, I don't even say like totalitarian, just weird. He just said weird shit. Um, and that's why I just like, cause
00:29:56
Speaker
In dictators, you can't find a lot of funny stuff. Not a lot of comedy there. Did you ever find a picture of the guy? See what he looks like? So that way he could kind of put a face to a name? I mean, I can. You can't, because I don't have that picture to send you. But yes, there's plenty of pictures of him out there. What did he look like? He looked exactly like what you think he looked like. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just curious if you're racist. I want to see what it is. Describe him to me.
00:30:26
Speaker
So in 2005... I'm thinking like George Jetson. No, no, no, no. So he was like dark hair, kind of chubby, kind of Kim Jong uni without the weird haircut.
00:30:39
Speaker
In 2005, he closed down all rural libraries and hospitals outside of the capital city, Ashgabat, in a country where, at the time, more than half the population lived in rural areas. Once stating that, quote, if people are ill, they can come to Ashgabat. And he also said, of closing down the libraries, that people don't read anyway.
00:31:02
Speaker
The library thing could make sense because it's sort of like censoring the internet for in certain countries now, you know, you're trying to keep people from being educated, but the hospital thing is a little puzzling. I don't really understand that. You don't want your people to die.
00:31:20
Speaker
Well, so he had this kind of belief that, like, the capital city was the, like, everyone should come to the capital, right? Like, in other words, like, I mean, and it does, again, he's just fucking crazy, because if you're dying of a heart attack, you don't want to spend three hours driving in a four-wheel-drive vehicle to get to the capital. Or more. I mean, I don't know how big this place was, but... Took me to some pretty, I mean, I don't actually know the square, but it's pretty, like, it's... Eventually, the infrastructure sucked.
00:31:46
Speaker
I would imagine. Yeah, that's probably why. Well, under his rule, Turkmenistan had the lowest life expectancy in Central Asia. Was I getting rid of all the hospitals? Huh? Well, yeah. I didn't get rid of all the books, like the medical books. So either we can make it to hospital, you can stop at a library and read about what you needed to do. Right. So how do you do the Heimlich again?
00:32:07
Speaker
If only there were a library. If there was a library I could go in, find the book, take it up to the checkout counter, check it out, get out to my car, read how to do it, and then save that person's life. But now I just gotta watch him die. But now I gotta watch him die.
00:32:26
Speaker
According to this group, Global Witness, a London-based human rights organization, reported that money under Niauzdao's control and held overseas may be in excess of $3 billion in U.S. dollars, of which between $1.8 and $2.6 billion was allegedly situated in the Foreign Exchange Reserve Fund at Deutsche Bank in Germany.
00:32:48
Speaker
So you guys want to, you guys, it wasn't in credit twists. That's true. Or, or SBV or whatever. Silicon Valley. Yeah. So, all right.
00:33:02
Speaker
He banned the use of lip syncing at public concerts in 2005. That makes sense. I agree with that. Somebody needed to do that. Oh, but he goes deeper. He goes deeper. In 2005, as well as sound recordings at musical performances on state holidays and broadcast of Turkmen television channels at all cultural events organized by the state and places of mass assembly and at weddings in celebration organized by the public.
00:33:29
Speaker
I'm in favor. You couldn't have music at your weddings or just lip syncing? No, you can have live wedding. You couldn't, you couldn't have recorded. Just no Millie Vinny. Oh no, you're right. You're right. Musical performances, right? Oh shit. Yeah. Well, that's kind of a dickish. That's like the guy in Footloose. You're right. Yeah. Maybe, maybe that's where he got it from. Maybe he watched Footloose and is like, that makes sense. Could they dance? If not.
00:33:55
Speaker
Then it would be kind of like the dad in 30 days. He didn't specifically say you couldn't dance, but would you dance without music? I could. How do you clog dance without music? He banished dogs from the capital. Okay. He's just being a dick now. Because of their unappealing odor. That's subjective.
00:34:17
Speaker
He wrote his autobiography, The Runama. And so you had to do the test. You had to answer questions about it on your driver's license exam.
00:34:31
Speaker
You had to answer questions about his autobiography on the driver's license exam? Yes. They had to read it periodically on television. What's my favorite flavor of frozen yogurt? And if you're going 35 miles an hour. He also tried to force in a lawn there. Which ways do you turn the wheel when you parrot park down a hill?
00:34:54
Speaker
you go to the left and then my father, what year did my father beat the Germans? When did I go to space? Wait, so he's doing the driving tests even. I mean that is, I gotta say, how did he find time? He's actually the driver instructor. He's like you're gonna do a three point turn here. That's what I meant. He's leading the driving test.
00:35:23
Speaker
He ordered that all mountains and places in Turkmen is to be named after Turkmen heroes poets and leaders like I mean that's not that crazy right like country pride or whatever but He made the He made the second Sunday of August Melon day in honor of melons one of his favorite foods which he referred to as a gift of
00:35:50
Speaker
a gift of God with a glorious history. I like melons. Yeah. No, they're delicious. Would you let, would you participate in a national melon day? And so what would, what would be your favorite melon? I don't think you have a choice. You have to do it. And I think God, I've been eating a lot of cantaloupe lately. I'm a big fan. I'm glad he doesn't like Brussels sprouts. Brussels sprouts. You're a big fan of cantaloupe. Yeah.
00:36:16
Speaker
What does that look? Well, just, I mean, as my opinion, I thought it couldn't get any lower, and then here it is, lower than it was. That's not the melon I would pick. No. What melon would you pick? Water. Water. Idiot. That's a goddamn idiot. Did you say titties? Why would you say titties? Who says melons? Melons are titties.
00:36:38
Speaker
I mean, if I'm going to choose one, I suppose... You don't like cantaloupe? I don't understand. I mean, I like cantaloupe. I'm not saying I don't like cantaloupe. It's not my go-to melon. No. All I said was I've been eating a lot of cantaloupe lately. Well, you could have said I've been eating a lot of watermelon, but you didn't say that. But I haven't. That'd be a lie. I don't want to lie to you. Oh. Now I'm confused. I want to berate you, but also I feel very connected to you right now. There's no... I don't see any seeds on your face. There's no way you've been eating watermelon.
00:37:05
Speaker
If you had a beard you would definitely know because that shit demands so many goddamn things gets stuck in the beard. We had a whole discussion about this. I know. It's crazy. Rice. I don't know. Rice gets in there. I don't know how. It just does. That wasn't the worst one though. What was the worst one? Soup. Soup really. Soup's hard. I can't imagine that doesn't smell good. I need like a beard schmock. A schmock? Schmock.
00:37:32
Speaker
Yeah. Smock. Smock. Smock. Smock. Smock. He's thinking about the Yiddish one. I am. Yup. It's, uh, any, any time you got any time in temple that you can't let the Torah touch the ground. You can't let the, the, the beard schmuck schmuck schmuck touch the ground. You are the beard schmuck. I am. He ordered a renaming of
00:38:01
Speaker
He reordered the naming of months and days of the week in the calendar. So instead of calling it Monday, he started naming them after, like, his family members and other, like, uh... There's Carl Day. Seriously. Seriously. Uncle Melty Day. Kevin Day, Greg Day, John Day. He changed the calendar. Green Day. Green Day.
00:38:25
Speaker
Sunny day real estate. He made years longer, so he wouldn't age as fast in his calendar. I don't know what's wrong with this guy. That's a power move. That's a power move right there. He abolished the Turkmen word for bread and replaced it with Gurbana Salatan, his mother's name.
00:38:48
Speaker
Uh, he requested that a, that's kind of sweet, you know, cause that means that like a Jesus thing though, you really like Brad. I don't know. Was that like a knock at Christianity? Cause I won't accept that on this show. Cause we are big Christians in the show. It is my understanding, uh, with this beard. So that makes me a, uh, uh,
00:39:09
Speaker
Muslim, Islam historian. It is my understanding that actually Islam, they're not anti-Christian. They're not like, they wouldn't have a problem with it because they believe that basically they don't believe Jesus was God, but they believe he was like another prophet. And a carpenter. He was definitely a carpenter and a fisherman. And a really good cook. Yeah. And he loved hanging out with prostitutes. And he was super handsome. He really was. Good abs. Good abs. Good hair.
00:39:39
Speaker
If Peter's in such good shape, though. Yeah, I'm a little bit of a martyr. How do they catch him? Right? Yeah, they should have been able to. He looked like a marathon runner. He should have been. We'll just outrun him.
00:39:50
Speaker
Not a lot of people know this about Jesus, but he was really gullible. They're like, hey Jesus, what's that over there? They pulled up next to him in like a van and they opened the door and they're like, do you want some candy? You should get in. He was like, well, I love candy. Today is cheat day. I've been working on the abs all week. Today's cheat day.
00:40:14
Speaker
He's like, honestly, look at these cum gutters. I mean, I could eat a piece of candy, it's fine. Cum gutters. That's the fucking word. That's the first time I've ever heard that term and I knew exactly what you meant.
00:40:32
Speaker
Oh God. Oh, uh, he requested that a palace of ice, you guys should love this, uh, because the palace of ice or indoor ice skating rink be built near the Capitol so that those living in the desert country could learn to skate. That's important. I mean, that's, that's good government, right? You can't argue that. That's just good. Little known fact, big maple leafs fan, this guy. I think it was actually, he was, he was a fan of the, the making whoopee. Oh,
00:41:02
Speaker
That's the actual team, guys. I actually know a hockey thing. It is? Making Georgia. Yeah, Making Georgia. What's your version of the minor leagues? Because that's what it is.
00:41:13
Speaker
Okay. What's my version of them? I mean hockey, not your, what's hockey's version of the minor leagues. Is it the minor leagues? I mean some minor leagues. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, I think they're a minor league team for making Georgia and they're making Whoopi. They're called the making Whoopi. It's pretty damn clever. Pretty damn clever. That was a joke for one person. Well, they're out there listening, him and his sister wife. So, um,
00:41:38
Speaker
After having to quit smoking in 1997 to his results at heart surgery, he banned smoking in all public places and ordered all government employees to follow suit. Chewing tobacco on Turkmen soil was later banned as well. He out, oh. Okay, he's kind of being a dick now. If I can't do it, you can't do it sort of thing. He outlawed opera, ballet, and circuses in 2001 for being decidedly unturkman
Global State of Dictatorships
00:42:03
Speaker
-like. I agree with all that.
00:42:18
Speaker
Ballet is kind of boring. And circuses, I don't know, they'll do it for me. Circuses, you know, they abuse the animals. Don't they get rid of the circuses? Are there your circuses anymore? I think there are circuses, but they don't have animals anymore. They just, like, do you fucking Cirque du Soleil kind of shit. Acrobatics. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The humans are the animals now, Kevin. Gotcha. Cirque du Soleil is awesome. Yeah, it really is. Those people are in shape.
00:42:29
Speaker
I like a good opera. I don't. Why don't, what's wrong with an opera? Just cause you can't understand it. I don't know any of them, but they're in. I'm not sophisticated enough.
00:42:47
Speaker
they can hang with Jesus. That's how in shape they are. Jesus was the original circus performer when he was like, hey, get up on that cross. Well, they had to nail his hands on there. He would have held off on one arm and lifted his self up horizontally. He was like, as soon as he got up on the cross, he started doing the flagpole. And they nailed him. And he's like, god damn it. Guys, how am I supposed to do my act?
00:43:15
Speaker
Alright guys, very funny, very funny. Can someone take these nails out? I think I need a tetanus shot now. Even though we won't understand what that is for another 2,000 years. When do all my disciples pull up in that little car and get out? Oh, fuck you Judas. Fuck you.
00:43:39
Speaker
If he didn't do what he did, then Jesus wouldn't come back and he wouldn't be what it is now. What, you talking about the Turk guy? Judas. Oh, somebody Easter.
00:43:50
Speaker
Right? Yeah. Without Jesus there would be no peeps. I don't like peeps though. I'll be damned if I'm gonna live in a world without peeps. You guys like peeps for three days out of the year, god damn it. I mean no, not anymore. I did when I was a kid. I don't like things that stick your fingers like that. You can't ever get it off. Well why do you keep giving me hand jumps? To a climax.
00:44:16
Speaker
I didn't realize- While I'm eating a Jolly Rancher as it rules down my beard. Why do you keep giving me peep jobs?
00:44:33
Speaker
He decreed that men should no longer wear long hair or beards. He also fired all doctors and gymnastics instructors and replaced them with military conscripts.
00:44:49
Speaker
Why? Why those two? I don't know. Because they're obedient. I'm telling you, well yeah, but why are gymnasts like really that hard like gymnastic coaches giving me all this trouble politically? Well they probably do because they're on steroids.
00:45:05
Speaker
Probably. In March 2005, he ordered the closure. Oh yeah, the hospital's already told you that. He banned the reporting of a reporting or even mentioning of contagious diseases such as AIDS or cholera.
00:45:21
Speaker
He banned news reports and presenters from wearing makeup on television. And according to some reports, he felt presenters should appear natural on screen. Although others alleged that the reason was more eccentric, claiming he said he found it difficult to distinguish male anchors from female anchors. Okay. He banned car radios because he considered them to be useless.
00:45:52
Speaker
Man does not like music or gymnasts. He probably heard a podcast once on his car radio and was like, okay. He's got radiance. Apparently there was a musician that hurt him really bad at some point in his life. And a gymnast or gymnastics coach and a doctor.
00:46:08
Speaker
Or like maybe it was a circus. Maybe there's like a whole like performing thing that came through town and rejected him in some way. He ordered that each broadcast begin with a pledge. The broadcaster's tongue would shrivel if he she slandered the country flag or president. Okay. That's legit. Gold teeth were discouraged in Turkmenistan after
00:46:34
Speaker
Neelzado suggested that the populace chew on bones to strengthen their teeth and lessen the rate at which they fall out. He's obviously a dentist. Here's his logic, and guys, I gotta say, makes sense to me. He said, quote, I watched young dogs when I was young. They were given bones to not to strengthen their teeth. Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not chew on bones. This is my advice.
00:47:01
Speaker
Okay, he had a way of speaking backwards. Simple, to the point, and logical. Oh, it's November 2005. He ordered that doctors should swear an oath to him instead of the Hippocratic oath. That's the best one, Sophie. Why? Just please do harm.
00:47:26
Speaker
Unless it's to me. He got rid of all the hospitals. That's true, that is true. There's no hospitals or doctors anymore. Oh, he banned video games because they were too violent for young Turkmen. And in the same month he did that, he ordered the country's oil minister to learn English in six months or be fired. Wow. Yeah, okay. Then there was like a, I told you that. That is a good incentive.
00:47:51
Speaker
He knows how to motivate, that's for sure. So he died in 2006 and after his death
00:48:00
Speaker
Do we still celebrate Melon Day or do we have to not celebrate Melon Day? No, they actually still do. They do celebrate. Yes, they do. I'm going to get to that. They didn't stop doing that. Need so much cantaloupe in August. So after his death, Gubenguli Burdamud de Vidal, his successor, began to remove... Did they Ricardo Maltebaum? I did, yes. Ricky Ricardo began to remove some eccentric features of
00:48:27
Speaker
This guy's policies in 2008, the names of months and days of the week were restored. And in reference to National Anthem of Turkmenosine, where you used to have to say the dictator's name, he replaced that with the people. He also trimmed official references.
00:48:44
Speaker
to Nizodal's biographical book, Runama, in spring 2007 and around 2009 or 10, the broadcasters no longer had to read it. 2011, government people no longer had to take it or know it, and then universities stopped having it on their test and you no longer needed it for a driver's license. Ah, I was going to ask. Did they do any research to determine
00:49:10
Speaker
Like, under whose dictatorship or ruling the country was more prosperous? You mean, the new guy or him? Yeah. I mean, well, the new guy's been doing it now for... Does it mean he's doing it better? No, no, no. I don't think he is. I mean, their GDP improved. Yeah, I don't... I didn't dive into it because, again, I just... I didn't want to get it... I didn't want to suck us down into this horrible fucking thing because they're dictators, right? So, I was just like...
00:49:39
Speaker
Did the new guy bring fiber optic to the country? He didn't let people have great teeth. Just fiber? Just a lot of metamucil. Yeah. Creep nuts. And they brought Kevin Bacon in and everyone could dance in the city again. Yay. So even though, so he's dead, but he actually, his, his, uh, he has remained a celebrated figure in Turkmenistan. His birthday is... Why does he live on, John?
00:50:06
Speaker
Well, his birthday is designated as a national day, not an official holiday called Turkmen Bashi Remembrance Day. Some of his creations remain unchanged, including the celebration of... Melon Day. There you go. Easter. He did give us Melon Day. He did indeed. So this is some facts about dictatorship. So right now, or I'm sorry, actually as of 2020, but it actually has a change. There are 52 countries,
00:50:37
Speaker
who are ruled by some type of dictator. Three in Latin America, 27 in Asia and the Middle East, and 22 on the African continent. Some of the more known ones are President Xi of China, Putin of Russia, Kim Jong-un of North Korea, and President Isaias Afwerki of Eritrea. That's not true. Nobody knows who that is, but I did that for Kevin and Greg. So, and if you want to know why, go back and listen to all of our episodes so you get the Eritrea joke.
00:51:06
Speaker
Set aside those 300 hours. Get in there and learn something. Well, let's like get carried away.
00:51:14
Speaker
And according to- Still don't think it's a country. It's totally a country. In fact, it's Ethiopia and Eritrea, or it is in war right now, I think. Or maybe one of them is having a civil war. I don't know. There's always shit going on in the world. So according to a 2022 report from V-DAM Institute at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden, 5.4 billion people live under some sort of dictatorship.
00:51:40
Speaker
That's a lot. That's a lot of fucking people. That's a lot of fucking people. More than half. Yeah. Did you say that? A lot of peeps. That's exactly what I said. That's a lot of peeps. Did you say more than half, Greg? I said more than half. Not half. You did. More than half. I think you need to get the ear that you can't hear it of.
00:51:56
Speaker
like declogged. I do. I need to get them both declogged with tiny penises. Let's not keep going with that. I'll let a dog chew, I'll let a dog chew on a bone next to my ear and I'm sure that will clear it out.
00:52:14
Speaker
So and this is and this is where so liberal democracies peaked in 2012 at that time 42 countries were considered liberal democracies and in 2021 There are now only in 2021.
Rise of Totalitarianism and Historical Cycles
00:52:27
Speaker
There were only 34 liberal democracies. So we're on the decline So basically there's a rise in totalitarianism and dictatorship throughout the world because people don't fucking listen to history and everyone's becoming isolationist, so We did defeat ourselves
00:52:44
Speaker
Because god damn it, we just keep doing the same shit over and over again. So Greg, stop it. Yeah, Greg. Stop allowing. I can't help it, man. I'm a glove for punishment. Just stop it. But here is to Turkman Bashi, you crazy son of a bitch. Is that Joe Bosch named after him? Bosch? Yeah, Turkman Bosch. That's all I got.
00:53:12
Speaker
I hope you thought it was as crazy as I did. I did. Like you kind of said, I know we didn't want to talk about too much bad shit, I'm sure there's more bad shit, but it was very bizarre, his decisions. I feel like a lot of dictators, even though they're giant pieces of shit most of the time, they think in their minds that they're moving the country forward.
00:53:41
Speaker
This guy was just like, well, I don't understand that, man. It's almost like power corrupted. Or maybe he did think he was a movie's country. Well, I mean, you know, even like, like Gaddafi, I don't even remember, like Gaddafi would like dress like crazy, like you dress in all these different outfits, you know? And, and I mean, so I think it's like, I think when you, I think it's real. I like, like Trump, right? Like,
00:54:05
Speaker
He's not a dictator, but he definitely surrounded himself with people who would agree with no matter what he said. Yeah, he wanted to be. He just couldn't. Right, but all dictators do, right? So you don't want anybody to disagree with you. I think the more and more you get people around you who agree with you, the more and more what you're saying, maybe if you didn't believe it in the beginning, you start to believe it, I think. It really becomes truth.
00:54:27
Speaker
So when you have an idea, like, so in other words, people are telling you the smartest fucking person in the room or the person in the world. And so anytime you think anything, you're like, yep, that makes sense. Dog bones chew on them or bones chew on them. Works for dogs. Why do you think I'm the way I am with the podcast? You guys keep telling me how great I am. I don't think I've ever told you how great you are. I think if anything, I'd integrate you constantly. I do. I tell him he's great. Oh, do you do in texts? I just do it all the time. I write songs about him. Oh, wow. I've written an opera.
00:54:58
Speaker
Not gonna go see it. Can you sing it? Can you sing it for me as we end the episode? I was talking to Greg. He actually nailed it though. It was pretty solid though, yeah, yeah. That was good. Ave Kavina. All right guys. On that note, thanks everybody for listening. Have a great night. Ave Kavina.