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EP 10: Using your voice to declare your desires, accepting real love, and escaping co-dependent validation loops w/ Nicola Navon
22 Plays28 days ago
Your voice is meant to be used so that your desires can be heard and responded to accordingly.
By your lover and laws of It All.
But for that to happen, it’s essential to understand why no one seems to be listening.
Have you ever stood in the kitchen after a long day and pondered how easy it seems for your mate to plop down on the couch, scroll mindlessly through SM, and watch the game while their dinner is prepared by a personal chef just feet away?
“Must be nice,” you think to yourself.
But also, there must be a reason for this dynamic.
Cue the rigorous honesty…
How many times have you voiced that you’d love some help with the food prep so you can get done quicker and have more time to do literally anything else than cook?
How often have you allowed him (or her) to stand next to you at the counter and chop imperfect onion bits or peel cucumbers and potatoes?
And how often does he (or she) ask you for “help”?
To be his partner, to love him, to hug him, to hold his hand and kiss him?
The truth is, you might say you want to be held, embraced, and cared for, but if you don’t ask for these things, you don’t have the opportunity.
You might say you want money, clients, and creative direction, yet realistically, if you don’t use your voice and ask for these things, you don’t allow yourself the opportunity.
But why?
Why would we ever hesitate to ask for the multi-dimensional abundance this world has to offer?
And more importantly, how do we open ourselves up to accepting it like the partner who accepts homecooked meals four times a week without hesitation?
This is precisely what we cover in today’s episode of The Modern Day Healer podcast.
Join Nicola Navon and me as we explore the topic of using your voice to declare what you really want, allowing yourself to become open enough to receive, and not getting caught in old worthiness validation loops amid your journey home to your authentic self.
You know there’s more waiting out there for you.
All you need is a path, and this episode is a gorgeous place to start (if I do say so myself)!
See you inside.
🖤 Dana
Connect with Dana HERE and Nicola HERE and tell them what you loved most about this episode and what resonated deeply.
**If you loved today's episode, don't forget to give this podcast a 5-star rating! You can easily leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts by scrolling down on my show page, selecting a star rating, and tapping “Write a review.” This helps other modern-day healers discover the show, and your feedback helps me curate more content you love. Thank you for your support!!
Transcript
00:00:02
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Modern Day Healer podcast. I'm your host, Dana Hayes, and I am so excited to share with you the stories, the trials, the tribulations, and most importantly, the triumphs of my own as well as many other successful modern day healers.
00:00:20
Speaker
We've gone all in to pursue our passion, to make an impact in the world by helping humans heal from the past and find true empowerment in their lives
00:00:37
Speaker
She is me and anyone else who feels a calling to help others heal, grow, and share their light. You could be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a writer, a speaker, a podcast host. You might be a workshop producer, a course creator. You're most likely an entrepreneur and can't shake the desire to make your calling your career because you know how much impact you could make if you went all in and had the opportunity to share your story with the world. That is a modern day healer. I'm a podcast host, a co-author of an amazing book about the journey of sobriety, a wife, a mom of two young children, and the creator of the spiritual lifestyle brand, Living in Power. I am Dana and I am a modern day healer. I am so glad you're here. Let's get started.
00:01:38
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome to today's episode of The Modern Day Healer. Today, I have the beautiful Nicola Navone. She is a relationship, intimacy, and empowerment mentor, and she works with the masculine and feminine energies within you to help you find that passion. And honestly, I have found myself on this podcast specifically really like focusing on the idea of living a more passionate life. And so Nicola, I am so I'm so excited to speak to you today because I want to hear your take on how to do this. But first, I'm going to ask you to just briefly introduce yourself and tell the listeners a little bit more about what you do and the way that you do it um so that we have a better idea. Yes, I love this so much Dana. I'm so jazzed to be here. Thank you for having me.
00:02:39
Speaker
So I'm a relationship intimacy and empowerment mentor. What does that mean? I help you have deeper intimacy in relationship. I empower you to be your most thriving self, to be your most fulfilled self in relationship.
00:02:56
Speaker
And the work that I do, I do that through working with your masculine and feminine energies, balancing of your masculine and feminine and energies in all areas of the relationship. This is in the communication piece. This is in navigating conflict. This is in the bedroom. How do you work on expressing your desire, seducing your partner into feeling their desire? How do you also sink back into your femme in the bedroom?
00:03:22
Speaker
All areas of relationship. This is why I love working with masculine energetics, masculine and feminine energetics, because it applies to all areas of life too. Career, friendships, familial dynamics, so much more. Oh my gosh, I love it. So I have to ask you, like are you in a relationship?
00:03:40
Speaker
Yeah, you know, it's funny, Dana, because this is is actually a post of mine, because so many people ask that. And what I want to say is, first, yes, I'm in a couple of loverships. So I'm in a different type of relationship. Now, my work applies whether you're in a relationship, a traditional relationship, a monogamous relationship, whether you're in an open poly relationship, loverships like I'm in, or whether you're single. Because here's the thing.
00:04:08
Speaker
when it comes to working with your masculine and feminine energies, yeah? My work, it's called Inner Union. That's my signature program. And it's all about the relationship to self is actually what's gonna create the relationship dynamics that we desire.
00:04:24
Speaker
So I never like to use like, you know, you see sometimes people tout their relationships as a means to sell their work. I rarely speak about my relationships because the thing is, I believe. And it's a great question though, because people are always curious. So here you got me sharing about my life.
00:04:42
Speaker
But I believe, Dana, that our capacity for intimacy lies with our capacity for intimacy with self. It's with how we relate to ourselves, how we relate to God, the universe, how we communicate with the people around us. And that reverberates out.
00:04:59
Speaker
Yes, I have had this experience. And what I think is so cool is that, for me, like when I had my spiritual awakening, it was the big shebang. like This is the one that you know the the sober community would call me being struck sober, quote unquote. I had i experienced a miracle of being lifted up the obsession to drink. and to like continue taking any kind of drugs to anesthesize myself from you know not being able to handle life on life's terms. And so that moment in time, and it it was literally a split second, it it changed everything. It was a complete internal rearrangement. And with that, and this was over five and a half years ago, but with that,
00:05:54
Speaker
it it really it changed everything. So when I say everything, I don't just mean I stopped drinking, right? It actually changed my dynamic with my husband, which he's my soulmate. So it was, um, It was one of those moments where it was like, wow, I thought that my life was situational. I thought every single, I needed to go try to figure every little thing out, every situation in my life, every pocket. You know, I had to like dig into each one and come to find out when I when i
00:06:29
Speaker
Really, it's not that I worked on it. I i just got to experience that oh that union back to myself through that moment in time where I had that clarity and that connection with God, which then right from that day on, you know I forged that connection. I deepened that connection. That's all of my work. um But I just have to say that the day that that happened was the day that I started to untangle this um this very imbalanced mess that i had in my relational life with my husband and with everyone else in in all relationships that i had and so i never put a label on it because i didn't know what to call it and i that's why i'm so excited to be on here with you today because.
00:07:17
Speaker
I could I could pretend all day long that I really know something about masculine and feminine energies when in reality I don't use the verbiage. I don't use that language. I'm definitely more of a blanket generalized speaker when it comes to this stuff because that's just how I experienced it. But I'm so excited to learn like, what does that mean? What is a masculine energy? What is a feminine energy? Do we all have both? Like, what is this?
00:07:43
Speaker
I love this question so much. And first I want to say, Dana, what a powerful journey that you've had yeah to like shifting these patterns of going from you know the drinking and then numbing out to then coming back to the union of self. We have such resonance there. and Yeah, I love it because I feel that our traumas, our experiences, everyone's journey, it's really coming back to the self. so You really nailed it with that and I love that so much. and Also, I love that you spoke too.
00:08:18
Speaker
balance of your relationships being off balance because what I believe is when our relationships are off balance, oftentimes that's because we're off balance with our masculine and feminine energies. And you know, later I'd be happy to get into just my own journey with that being off balance because that totally resonates.
00:08:39
Speaker
And when I think about the energies, when you think about the energies, everyone listening, yeah, I want you to think about, we all have both. We all have both masculine and feminine energy. Now why I feel this work is really important and different is I feel Oftentimes, we think about the way the world understands the energies. Many times, women think, okay, I need to be more of my feminine men. I need to be more of my masculine. and What I believe is, okay, as a woman in my own journey, for me to truly be in my feminine, I needed to heal my masculine. I need to heal my relationship with the masculine, my projections towards the masculine, towards the early masculine figures in my life that didn't show up
00:09:27
Speaker
And I needed to learn how to cultivate my own healthy masculine energy so that it could make way for my feminine to relax, for my feminine to sink back into herself and to communicate with ease, to be more at ease in relationship.
00:09:44
Speaker
And so I want you to think about when you, and that's ah that's a heavy topic that I just threw, yeah, so we're gonna let that air for a moment, but when you think about masculine and feminine energies, think of the masculine as, your masculine is like your roots, it's your groundedness, it's like that tree, right? That's holding you as safety and with presence as you navigate life.
00:10:08
Speaker
as you navigate relationships. So your masculine core is literally your passion. It's your fuego. It's your solar plexus. It's that part of you that's like, this is who I am. This is where I'm going. This is what my needs are. This is what I want. This is what I deserve. These are what my goals are for myself, for the relationship, for my career, all of it. And your masculine is going to empower your voice and relationship.
00:10:32
Speaker
Now your feminine is the part that's in yin, right? It's the introspection, the reflection, right? The easefulness, the pause, the silence, the curiosity. So if something happens in relationship, let's say your partner says something disrespectful.
00:10:51
Speaker
right to break it down. You're feminine. You're going to go and get, okay, what am I feeling? Ooh, that hurt me. Why did that hurt me? Because he didn't he made a slight at my expense and a group of people and didn't make eye contact to me or smile at me. So it made me feel like he doesn't value me. It made me feel like I'm a loser. It made me feel sad. Yeah. That takes vulnerability. That takes masculine energy to voice. So then your masculine is going to be the one to express, ooh, this didn't feel good.
00:11:18
Speaker
And here's why it didn't feel good. And this is what I desire. Next time we're in a group of people, I desire you to speak highly of me because then I'll feel more like the queen than I know I am.
00:11:33
Speaker
And so it's this dance right of tuning into the heart, tuning into the reflection, tuning into the yin. The feminine is also the curiosity, the play. Why did you say that? What was the life for you? Is there something more? Are you frustrated? And then your masculine is going to be the part of you that's the confidence that's empowering you to express yourself.
00:11:55
Speaker
Okay, that's super interesting. And, you know, I have a i have a quick question. So, and and I definitely want to get into your story. So I'll make this really brief. But when I hear you, I'm thinking about myself, of course. i And i'm I'm thinking about the past and how I was um so what I think you would you would verbalize as being in my masculine.
00:12:23
Speaker
And so much so that like I overshot that mark to the nth degree, meaning I was so much in my masculine that I couldn't let my husband also be in his masculine because I was always in a state of protection and defense. And I don't mean I was always actually saying things that were defensive, but I was actually also um behaving in super defensive ways, meaning I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable. I couldn't allow myself to accept a compliment. I couldn't allow myself to to let him lean in and hug me or kiss me when he wanted to, like in the way that he wanted to. And, you know, even making out, like I remember thinking at some point, and this is before this whole big healing journey, but I do remember
00:13:15
Speaker
feeling like, wow, you know, in the very beginning, we used to make out all the time, like we were a obsessed with each other. We are soulmates and we are such like we are so chemically attracted to each other. And in the beginning, it was like I literally could not get my face off of his face and it was me doing it.
00:13:36
Speaker
and then eventually my you know I was like in love and so I was really in my heart and I think things were so much more balanced and then eventually my ego just rebuilt itself and took over and I feel like it almost used my masculinity as a ah coat and like it it almost used it as a a weapon to emasculate Dom and then to try to act like it was protecting me from something, but then in turn, it just completely shut down the feminine. So my question is,
00:14:15
Speaker
ah it's really, okay, it's really loaded. I was, and I'm gonna bring this back to something. Bring it on, baby. Yeah, okay, good. I'm gonna bring it back to something you said. You said something about having allowing like the masculine to come in and to give you a compliment and then to like make you feel like the queen that you are. My question that is loaded is does that though go against the idea that in order to really feel like the queen that you are
00:14:50
Speaker
you really need to find that within yourself first before being able to accept it from another person without codependency, without needing them as your tool for validation and for making you feel good about yourself when in reality, like that should be coming from within. and I love this so much.
00:15:13
Speaker
And I have to first respond to, I love that you have such conscious awareness, Dana, and it resonates with my journey as well. It's like using the masculine as a weapon, as a coat, as protection in relationship. And I just want to speak to that for a moment because I feel that that is so resonant among many women.
00:15:33
Speaker
In my conversations, I hear it a lot in my work, and this is why working with a masculine is so important because how do we empower a healthy masculine? I'm going to create safety within so that I am safe to show my heart, so that I am safe to be vulnerable, not knowing if it's going to land.
00:15:53
Speaker
I have a lover of mine that he wanted to relate with someone else, yeah? We're travelers. So I have a couple of lovers in different locations. I'm a traveler. And so he wanted to relate with someone else. And the way that he did it was harmful, yeah. And he wanted to stop relating for some time because it was too hard for him to have me long distance and this other woman in person.
00:16:17
Speaker
Now my masculine empowered me to like, I wanted to keep relating. And that took a lot for me to share from my heart because my old me and my masculine be like, okay, fine. I have silent treatment. I'm going to be angry and frustrated and I'm going to be hurt and close my heart and build the walls and not open myself because he shot me down.
00:16:37
Speaker
No, but like how do I navigate rejection like a boss and how do I show what I want? So what did I want? I wanted to keep relating. I created my best content in these times, these reels of like, what a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man, you know, like really expressing my heart through poetry, through art, through theatrics. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. And it's this dance of Because for me, it never feels good to be that kind of person I used to be, like wait for my partner to text me back. No, I want to text my heart, not in the way of like, I want to hear from you, babe, but in like a fun, playful way that's like, hey, I'm thinking about you and have them receive it. That feels good because that's me expressing myself.
00:17:23
Speaker
And so it's this dance of learning in relationship or in loverships, how do we express and then how how do we also know when to sing back, when to listen, when to let them come lean back in.
00:17:36
Speaker
And let me think if I have anything else on that and then I'll answer your question. And it feels good for me. What I say is focus on your energy. Like what makes you feel most alive? If you want to express, if I'm thinking about a lover who I haven't spoken to in some time because we're both doing our own thing right now and I'm feeling fly and I want to send a selfie of myself because I want him to see me. Yeah, I know I'm thinking about him. I'm going to do it because it feels good for my energy.
00:18:05
Speaker
And so it's noticing our own energy in a dynamic. To answer your question, which I loved about how to tell when, I'd love that you talk about co-dependence by the way, because this is a huge topic of mine my second book that I'm writing and this is yours out, but it's all in co-dependence. Yeah, navigating co-dependence and how do we break free of that really of sovereignty and relationship and have passion that stands the test of time because that requires sovereignty.
00:18:32
Speaker
And so I feel like we have so much more on this topic you know offline to dish about, but um yes, you're right. So here's the thing, it's both. It comes back to self. If it comes from a place of empowerment, not this is what I need, partner. I need you to do this to validate me, to save me, to make me feel whole. No, that doesn't work. And that's an energetic difference. But if you come from a place of wholeness and it's like, babe, I desire that when we're in a group of people for you to make eye contact with me every so often,
00:19:07
Speaker
and look at me and smile, yeah because it makes me feel more part of the conversation. And I think that would make me feel more connected to you. right That comes from a place of empowerment. And that breeds intimacy, because this is teaching people how we want them to relate with us. I have a sister of mine, you any relationship, a sister of mine. And she always used to go into teacher mode with me when we were connecting.
00:19:31
Speaker
And I hated it. And I had to say to her, Hey, I'll say Mrs. X, you know, Mrs. X. And she's now, she's one of my closest sisters. Yeah. And my closest sisters in my life, we've had the most conflicts because this is intimacy. It's like, Hey, I don't dig this dynamic when I'm vulnerable. It doesn't mean I want you to fix me. I prefer to hear your resonance. Yes, this resonates. I've gone through it and this is how I navigated it. Cause.
00:19:58
Speaker
Yeah. And so she received it. And now I feel close to her as a result. And now we have a better relationship as a result. And we're going in so many directions here, but this is it. This is the empowerment piece. And this takes masculine energy to voice it, to not like shut her off, cut her off, you know, be resentful to her, lash out in some other way. But it's like, this is what I want, partner, friend.
00:20:23
Speaker
I love it. And so what I'm hearing your response to me and my question is really, it's a matter of
00:20:33
Speaker
vulnerability versus codependency. Because for me to be vulnerable, that's that's me allowing myself to have what it is that I really want, what my soul wants me to have. And that's that takes vulnerability. And that comes from a place of being vulnerable and letting that in. And then versus the codependency, which is me looking for something outside myself to validate my worth.
00:21:01
Speaker
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Nailed it. That's awesome. And okay, so I just have to ask you.
00:21:13
Speaker
After hearing the word lovership so many times now and I've never heard it in my life, I need to know more about this. If you're willing to speak on it, tell I want to hear your story now. I want to hear how you got into this. You are so interesting. And just from those little tiny seeds that you've planted along this past 20 minutes, I'm like, oh my God, I am following that trail of crumbs. I need to know more. So please tell me how you got started with all of this. Like, who are you? This is crazy. Like, I need to know.
00:21:43
Speaker
yeah I love it. I love it. I love it. And it's such an interesting journey, our journeys of life. And how do we share? What do we share? You know, it's been an evolving process for me, vulnerably. And when I think back to who I was in relationship,
00:22:00
Speaker
I used to be heavy in my feminine from a place of I was a people pleaser. I put my partners on pedestals. I didn't value myself. I didn't express myself. I minimized my needs. And this all comes from childhood, right? These dynamics. I molded myself to be this perfect version of who I thought my partners wanted me to be.
00:22:24
Speaker
Now with that, I also had some unhealthy masculine tendencies of control. So because I came from a place, I love it, we're bringing back to codependency, to neediness, to lack. I would try to control my partners, control the direction of the relationship, try to make them fit into the box of who I think they should be because I needed them to be my partner because I didn't feel secure in myself if things didn't pan out according to plan.
00:22:50
Speaker
Right, and that's why that masculine, it's like, I love this saying, a bird lands on a branch, not knowing that the branch isn't gonna break, but because it trusts its own ability to fly away.
00:23:03
Speaker
And that for me is it. It's like, when we want to step into our divine feminine in relationship and be that queen and embody that queen, that queen is like, this is what I desire. This is what feels good. This isn't what doesn't feel good. And it doesn't mean you just cut a relationship and walk away if it doesn't work, but you do the work to let like, I'm going to shift my way of being. I'm going to play with my communication. I'm going to see how my energy shifts your energy.
00:23:28
Speaker
And I'm going to let the relationship unfold in time instead of trying to control it. So when I think of who I was, I was this people pleaser. I put my partners up on pedestals and I was in relationship after relationship of toxicity. No, with so many red flags, people who didn't value me, people who didn't honor me respect me because I didn't honor me and respect me.
00:23:53
Speaker
And that brings me back to self, but I know you resonate with Dana. And so I had this one relationship that was the straw that broke the camel's back. And it was my, your anniversary in San Francisco with this guy and something draws me to his full And I go to his phone and I look at his phone. He's in the bathroom and he's like singing in the bathroom, taking a shower. I only had a few minutes and I see all these text messages to all these different women. Hey, like it's Mr. X. Let's meet at this restaurant tonight. hey's Mr. X, it's 10 p.m. Come over. He's cheating on me.
00:24:28
Speaker
Now, I'm like, this is crazy. What? When he came out of the bathroom, I'm like, you're going you're going back to New York. I'm going back the next week. This is over. We're done. And that sparked this huge awakening of like, whoa, what does it say about me that I'm in these relationships? Because the truth is, Dana, there were red flags. There were many red flags that I ignored. I didn't express myself. I was too afraid. I didn't like the way you looked at other women.
00:24:58
Speaker
And so what does it say about me that I ignore these red flags? And so it sparked this journey of clearing my own energy energy, working with my worthiness, building myself up, which is masculine energy, right? The affirmations, who I am in the world, what my values are, what I want in relationship, what value I bring to relationship, why I'm worthy.
00:25:23
Speaker
and then also working with my needs, my boundaries. Where did I violate my own boundaries? Where did I let him violate my boundaries? How do I let all the people in my life violate my boundaries? And how do I create the sense of ease and groundness in my being? right All this is masculine energy so that my feminine can play, so that she can feel light, she can create, she can respond with ease when, hey, ooh,
00:25:50
Speaker
I noticed that partner that I'm speaking to years ago, it's like I noticed that when I texted you at 8pm and my message never went through, which in New York, if the message doesn't go through, baby, the only thing means you're on the subway at night and he would be on the subway all night, 8pm, 10pm, 1am going to meet different women.
00:26:13
Speaker
Like, if I had voiced that, I would have had an answer and I would have been a little playful. What does that mean? What are you doing? Right? And that feminine, our feminine, when we're held by our masculine, she feels safe to get what she wants, to express what she wants, to bring to light so she's not carrying anything in the body, any resentments, any frustration. So it was working with healing of my masculine and feminine energies and also healing, and this is a longer tangent, so I'm gonna try to wrap it in here quick. It's also healing my dynamic with the masculine has been my journey of healing my own
00:26:52
Speaker
because we can't come into wholeness with self when we don't also heal our relationship to the early masculine figures in our life. So I always wanted my man to fix me to save me. I didn't feel fully empowered in my life. And I was operating from my unhealthy masculine at times of hyper independence, not letting people care for me. And that's a different energy than a healthy man masculine of like,
00:27:15
Speaker
I feel good and babe, I really love for you to make us breakfast today so I can lay in bed and be, you know, it's my feminine and joyful. It's a different energy. Yes. I mean, for sure. And I love your, I love your candidness in your story. And it reminds me of just my past and how, you know, I, I wanted, and I did a lot of work on
00:27:47
Speaker
really sex and relationships and looking at every single relationship I've had, every sexual relationship I've had, and looking at what I was trying to get from it, as opposed to what I could bring to it. And what I know to be true about myself now is that in the past,
00:28:10
Speaker
I was always looking to be the prize. I wanted whoever I was with, i and I would do whatever I needed to do, right? These like self-seeking behaviors. I would do whatever I needed to do, say whatever I needed to say in order to feel like they were putting me on a pedestal because that was how I was attempting to find my own self-worth. And I had no idea I was doing it. I was completely blind for the 10 years that i I behaved like this. But knowing what I know now, like,
00:28:51
Speaker
my My worth is 100% my responsibility to um cultivate, right? To really uncover because i I believe that my worth is just my soul, like my spirit. It's it's that intangible thing that's never gonna die. And I feel like that's where all of the answers to the questions that I have about my value come from. And so, um yeah, i just I was just thinking to myself, man, I used to really use men. Like I used them.
00:29:29
Speaker
It's funny, this this energy of, it resonates for me. And you tell me if it's in the same way or a different way, but I used to get my value from, yeah, who I'd be in bed. I always joke. I was like an epic performer in bed and I of lured men in the shadows and that made me feel valuable. well It made me feel sexy. It made me feel feminine.
00:29:56
Speaker
But it's interesting because at a deep level, I didn't actually feel honored and adored and worshiped in bed. And I'm going to bring it back to the masculine because for me now, my bedroom dynamics are filled with passion and desire. Here's why.
00:30:16
Speaker
The dark feminine is masculine energy, okay? The woman that can seduce, how do we seduce? If we want our men to ravish us, right? If you're a woman and you're listening and you want your man to ravish you, how do you get him hungry for you?
00:30:33
Speaker
How do you seduce him, right? And whatever that flavor is for you, you know, like come over here, baby. I want to sit on your lap. Like I want to see this. Or are you, you know, in your little undies doing a little dance for them? Yeah. Take a seat. Take a seat, daddy. Watch the show. Yeah. Whatever your flavor is. Right. And it's like, how do you create this dynamic that's going to fuel their fire? Because Unless you're with a more masculine man, which for me, I prefer more, when I say feminine men, I mean, I prefer men that are connected to their emotions, that are in their, they're feminine, right? They're connected to their emotions, right? They're sensitive and
00:31:17
Speaker
If you want to invite in their primal, their hunger, their desire, learning how to use your healthy masculine to seduce them, to invite them, to entice them to do what it is you desire in the bedroom or in any way, entice them into having a hard conversation that requires masculine energy. And it's this dance even in bed of this play of expressing yourself, expressing the wow things that are in your mind, learning the art of seduction. Then, allowing yourself to now, I'm going to think back and I'm going to receive. I'm going to be in my femme and I'm going to be less in my mind because I used to always be in my mind, more in my body. Now, I'm going to feel my sensations, feel what I'm feeling, enjoy my pleasure. Allow myself to be disconnected to them in the disconnection, quote unquote, disconnection of like,
00:32:05
Speaker
I'm going to let myself close my eyes and go inwards and we can still be connected through that because that is the expression of the Shakti and that's what masculine energy desires and vice versa.
00:32:19
Speaker
and like And I tie it back to why I'm speaking about this with what we were talking about. For me, that like performer energy in bed, that's actually wounded masculine because I'm not actually in my pleasure. I'm being this performer to get the guy, to feel powerful, to feel like I'm on their pedestal because I'm epic in bed, but I'm not actually enjoying myself in bed.
00:32:41
Speaker
Yes. Yes. And that was my experience. I will say yes to that because I did the same thing. And so I was using my sexual powers basically to, like you said, and I do want to just actually clarify something here that I didn't sleep around a lot, but I did like I use my, I cheated a lot, let's put it that way, and never done my husband is the only person that I have never cheated on in my life. And it was like, I just always had my eyes out.
00:33:18
Speaker
and so i was constantly emotionally trying to create these connections and use my, like not, maybe I didn't even need to say that I was a good performer, but I was already being an actress, right? I was always acting. I was always putting on this front of this facade of who I thought they wanted me to be so that they would give me attention regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not.
00:33:41
Speaker
And what I want to say is um when I did sleep with people, when i it did get to that point, and I was putting on this performance and not enjoying myself, doing it specifically so that I could feel validated, like in a, and and I mean, it's in a sick way, in my opinion.
00:34:02
Speaker
um I if I didn't get what I wanted after which was that validation which was them to say wow you're amazing and I want to be with you and I don't want anybody else and I only want to look at you and I only like you and you're the best and oh my god if I didn't receive actually it's kind of funny because it's twofold if I didn't receive that I Eventually, and I mean, I have had moments where I just exploded. My, my masculine energy was so strong. And so if I tried to stifle it whatsoever, eventually it would lash out. And so I found myself in situations where I was like in somebody's truck and I'll never forget, like I'm
00:34:48
Speaker
I was drunk, but still I remember not getting what I wanted from that conversation after my emotions had finally started coming out, like my real feelings that I had stifled. And I just remember not being able to control myself. And I screamed and I said some really, really airtight, um very, very cutthroat things to this person thinking that this was going to be a way to get what I wanted eventually. like So I lashed out.
00:35:17
Speaker
But then, on the other hand, if I did get what I wanted, because I still did not have that that so that value for myself, I would still do the same thing. So I would find boyfriends who adored me, would do anything for me, just fond over me.
00:35:36
Speaker
People would call them puppy dogs. And I i didn't like any of it. I was i was totally like repulsed. I was like, ew, why are you? I'm like, get away from me. But then I would stay in those relationships for years and years. you know And it just was the craziest cycle. But then I found myself in the situation where I had my soulmate. And now I'm starting to realize some things. Now I'm on this journey of healing.
00:36:01
Speaker
And it's like, oh, okay, like this is how it's supposed to be. I had to find myself first. I had to connect to her. I had, and that in doing so, I think balanced both of those energies eventually. It took a lot of work, by the way. And now I'm able to like receive and it's crazy because Dom can like, he can actually be the man. And he tells me like,
00:36:28
Speaker
I feel like a man, like you let me actually be a man now. And he is, I have to say this too. um I had this idea of what I really wanted in my head back when I was dating and I didn't know Dom. And I think, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but a piece of this was, you know I didn't let myself have what I really wanted. What I really wanted was specific.
00:36:55
Speaker
like yeah I was really desiring like in my heart of hearts right and I did not honor this whatsoever because I didn't know that I could. um In my heart of hearts I wanted like a very like strong like emotionally strong but muscularly strong athletic um intellectual man. That's what I really wanted, but I kept settling for maybe some of that or maybe none of that. And that also ended up really imploding at some point.
00:37:32
Speaker
Yeah. I also love this visual of you in this pickup truck and just exploding and saying crazy things that I love. I love storytelling like that because my mind is wow. Yes. And I, and it just resonates by the way, because i I even just did a post today around my mother used to call me zero to 60 because I could go zero to 60. And, and I want to, the reason I want to speak to that for a moment is like,
00:38:01
Speaker
If you're going zero to 60, if you're listening and you can easily bottle up and explode, right? That's a sign where we're not being expressed. That's a sign that something needs to clear, right? We need to use our masculine. We need to use our voice. We need to name what's going on. And this is why I love also working with the communication piece in tandem with energies, right? Because our communication For me, I feel our communication is like the only way, not the only way, one of the most impactful ways to have deep intimacy. This is how we relate. And so working with that piece, how do I communicate and how do I do it with ease and grace and even some play if it's relevant, so that I'm more likely to get what I desire.
00:38:47
Speaker
And then I also want to speak to what you shared Dana around this dynamic, which I think is so resonant for so many human beings, not even just women, everyone and me of this dynamic of like like, you're going for people like that didn't don't give us what we want. Or there's this opposite of stream of people who are like the puppy dog energy that are giving us everything and we're turned off by it.
00:39:09
Speaker
And that makes sense because when you think about it, attachment theory, right? We want secure. We want the middle. We don't want, right? The reason it can be a turnoff, it can be two reasons, right? One, it's like if someone's clinging and they're an anxious attachment that doesn't feel good on either end because it comes from lack of wholeness, right? It's a state of codependence, of neediness, of lack.
00:39:30
Speaker
versus someone that is strong in themselves, right? Someone that is fully whole, someone that has balance of their energies, someone that knows what they deserve, yet they're also leading into connect. They want to connect. They're showing up to relate. And that's what makes someone magnetic.
00:39:50
Speaker
Right? It's a, think about a masculine. It's a masculine, the most impactful men in the world. When you think of like David Data, the late Steve Jobs, Joe Dispenza, right? All, John Wineland, all of these men, what do they have? They also have a feminine.
00:40:07
Speaker
Right? They know how to lead a room with their energy, how to create impact because they're connected to their hearts. They're connected to the why. Why is this important? How do I move people? You think about the most impactful women, right? They're wild. They're free, but they're not in that wild feminine.
00:40:26
Speaker
This is me, I'm going to penetrate you with my energy and not have a sensitivity to a room. No, it's a woman that's wild and expressed and free, but that's soft. That's playful, that listens, that asks questions, that pauses.
00:40:42
Speaker
Smiles, right? And so I'm feeling, it seems like you've got that good balance and that security in your relationship, right? Of this this soulmate partnership with Dom. I love that his name is Dom, by the way. Cause at first when you said that, I'm like, Ooh, is he a Dom? You know, I'm definitely a female Dom energy. I love that, by the way. So yes, makes sense. Dom and his masculine baby. But it's, it's amazing that you're noticing that. Like I'm letting myself receive from the Dom.
00:41:14
Speaker
Oh my God, that's so funny. I never thought about that. And, you know, you're so right. I have never, I have never thought to myself that, I mean, so many things are coming together for me personally right now.
00:41:28
Speaker
because the people that fawned over me or that didn't, whatever, it it really though, I'm talking about the people that fawned over me and that I dated that I basically walked all over and felt so repulsed by, even though they were giving me exactly what it was that I was of seeking in everyone else, right?
00:41:50
Speaker
um It was the fact that they were not securing themselves. They really weren't. And they were looking for me to give that to them. And I didn't, I never realized that until now. Dominic, my husband, Dom, he never, he never looked for that in me. He, he always, at he okay. He always jokes that he's super codependent on me, but he's not. It's crazy. He, he thinks that he's codependent because he,
00:42:17
Speaker
loves me so much and because he's obsessed with me I mean he is and I but I'm obsessed with him too and it it is in a very healthy way it's not in a I need you to be good so that I could be good it's not that and I realize now just based off of what you just said he was magnetic he's so magnetized to ever like He's so attractive because he's got that charisma because he's so good with himself. And he is one of the few people that I've ever met that's just good with himself without meeting anybody else validating him. I never put that into words until just now. And that is why he was so attractive to me. And he was also everything I wanted. He was an athlete. He played baseball for West Virginia.
00:43:09
Speaker
Super muscular, so strong, so manly, like so hot. um Anyway, I digress. I'm sorry, it's the chisel jaw and the dimple. like How can you resist? um And so just knowing that he could kill somebody, he could literally kill me.
00:43:25
Speaker
but
00:43:28
Speaker
I mean, on some level, that's kind of hot. I'm sorry. I know people are like, what the hell is this girl saying right now? But you like when you know that your man is that strong, you're like, you know, that's kind of hot. Like you put your hand on my neck. I digress again. Dom is going to be so embarrassed that I'm saying any of this, but it's the freaking truth. So thank you for putting some kind of context to what I've already experienced myself, but just couldn't say.
00:43:57
Speaker
but Oh, yes. I love it. Love me a chiseled jaw, baby. And that's, that's amazing because it's, it's also, yeah, it's allowing ourselves to also get what we desire. It's that worthiness piece of like, I know I'm worth it. And this is, you actually tie it for me, how it relates is like,
00:44:17
Speaker
This is the power of also working on relationship, working on our communication or expression because it's also saying like, I'm investing in me. I know I can have that because I feel, yeah, we often miss that piece. We think like, oh, it just comes naturally for some people or others. Some people are lucky or,
00:44:39
Speaker
And that's not true. We can all have and cultivate deeply fulfilling, balanced partnerships where we feel honored, where we feel seen, where we feel adored, where we feel valued with people that value themselves, that inspire us, where there's mutual admiration, right? Like that is so possible for any of you listening, right? When you do that work with self, when you come back to self and embodying that version of who you want to be and also investing in working on self. I worked with tons of mentors working on my communication, my expression,
00:45:20
Speaker
right I've studied communication for years, 10 years, 10 plus years because of this. It's like, I want to learn how to be a master communicator. I want to have an impact. I want to have deep relationships and I want to feel confident in how I communicate. Yeah, that's exactly it. I feel the same exact way. And um this is so funny. This is just like,
00:45:45
Speaker
the craziest conversation because it's so relevant to, I feel like so many people's lives, I mean, everyone's in relationship in some way, shape or form. And so one thing that I do want to touch on though, is the idea, because I i do feel like people will get, and do get tripped up on this one piece, where it's like, okay, masculine energy is you speaking your truth, like asking for what you want. But I say, but because I know for me, before I actually knew myself, I didn't know what I wanted. And also on top of that, I thought I was expressing my truth. I was like saying my truth, right? And I thought that was okay. And I, um, I would validate my own feelings all of the time, but
00:46:37
Speaker
I know now that that wasn't necessarily my truth. That was like my ego's truth. That was me again, trying to get, trying to see what I could get from other people and trying to see what I could get from the world. And until I had that realization that I'm not here to get, that I'm here to give and to also receive, but I'm here first and foremost to serve, to serve my my higher self, to really, really um make an impact on the world, but like to shine my light, to spread my light. Until I had that awareness, I was incapable of speaking any real truth. I thought that meant me calling you out.
00:47:27
Speaker
I thought that meant me saying whatever the hell was on my mind and saying, well, that's the truth. You know, that's the truth. I'm just calling it like I see it. I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. That's not that until I knew myself, I wasn't being honest. I was actually, actually acting out this false narrative that my ego had created by using my masculine energy to forcefully manifest itself out into the world. It's crazy when I look back at it because it wasn't me and I was acting as if it was. And it's really kind of creepy because until I like pulled back that veil, I really didn't realize that. And it's, it's actually kind of scary. And I think that's how like a lot of sociopathic tendencies happen on this earth because people have no idea. They don't know the difference between
00:48:26
Speaker
the illusion and reality. And so then they start saying things as if it's quote unquote, the truth, when in fact, it's really just their ego trying to project something to make itself feel more secure.
00:48:42
Speaker
And I just also want to say that I think that there's a the easiest way for me to describe that um error is to see things as you know, your your quote unquote truth, which really might not be the truth and the universal truth. Like what is the universal truth here? After you've connected to your higher self, now what's the truth, right? Because for me, I had to really question that and I really had to dig deep and learn how to respond in a way that um I was communicating my universal truth as opposed to my personal truth because my personal truth isn't always the truth.
00:49:24
Speaker
Yes, I love that and that's such a good tool Dana for everyone listening to use that as a guide, right? Like what is the universal truth? And what is the universal truth you're checking in? Is this my truth? And another way that I love to also tune in to that act so that we're not going into this because I used to do that too this projecting this saying cutting things really digging in the knife I could really you know make someone feel like dust if I wanted them to but that's the wounded masculine it's not speaking from the heart so then it's like how do I come back to my heart what am I feeling like if I were to be really honest
00:50:05
Speaker
What am I feeling? I'm feeling like a loser. I'm feeling slighted. I'm feeling disrespected when you do this partner and that touches a wound because I never felt respected by my family and respect is a big wound for me. I'm afraid you're going to leave me when you threaten a relationship. It makes me feel like I can't trust you and that our relationship is unstable.
00:50:26
Speaker
When you say you're going to do something, when you say you're going to plan us a date on Saturday night and you don't follow through, it hurts me because it makes me feel like I can't rely on you.
00:50:37
Speaker
And I want to feel that from my King. Yeah. And so it's like, it's coming to the heart, like heart to heart. We're not speaking mind to mind. We want to speak human to human. We connect through our heart space. And that is the universal truth for me. It ties to what you're saying. That's like universal love. Is this in the highest form of love? Highest form of love when my lover, one of my lovers wanted to disconnect from me.
00:51:03
Speaker
You think I didn't want to say all the wounded feminine things? What? You're like, you can't keep it in your pants. You can't wait. We're going to reunite in a few months. Like I could say all these mean things. Yeah. That's not in the highest service to love. Highest service to love is I'm going to give because I want to give. Like you say, not give to get. I'm going to share my heart. No, I still want to relate. I want to send you the sexy poem. I've been thinking a few.
00:51:26
Speaker
And I'm going to do these interesting things to engage you because I miss you. And I want to give you that gift no matter if you respond in the way I desire or not. And that is it. That is intimacy with life. That is intimacy with all our relationships. It doesn't doesn't mean how long you've been in a partnership for, what kind of partnership you're in. I don't care about any of that. It's about your capacity to share with the world to serve the world. I love your word service to serve the world to serve love in the highest form because that is why we are here to open our hearts to live to love to play to laugh to grow baby. That's okay and so in sobriety there's something that I've heard a million times and it's
00:52:19
Speaker
So good because it's so true. i People will like mention how long they've been sober. I don't care. Genuinely, I could not care less about how long you have been sober. What I care about is how happy are you? How fulfilled are you? How how deeply are you connecting to your higher self so that you do not feel the need to numb, right? And it's the same thing with the relationships, with everything. It's like, I don't care.
00:52:48
Speaker
I don't care how many like, I don't care how right you feel. I don't care, like how happy are you? How happy are you with this decision? Like truly happy. Does it make you happy or are you doing it just to be right? Or are you doing it to serve some part of yourself that is honestly just self-righteous and looking for that, that hit, that hit of dopamine that you get when you are feeling like you're right, you know, or your your anger is justified or this or that. Like, it does not matter how often you're right, how often your anger is justified, because honestly, it it never is. It never is. What really matters is, are you happy and are you doing things from a space of wanting to be happy? And if you're not, then it's like, what is the point? What are we doing here?
00:53:42
Speaker
ah I'm so inspired. I'm loving this conversation so much Dana. This is just so deep and so valuable for everyone listening because yes, yes, who cares? How much money you make? All of the external things. Who are you? And that's my magnetism. It comes from the inside. Who are you? Do you love yourself? Do you honor yourself? Are you committed to yourself in the highest form of love always?
00:54:12
Speaker
Yes, yes, yes.
00:54:17
Speaker
i I think we have more to talk about, but like we should do another podcast episode. I swear to God this happens on half of these where it's like, oh, I've got a whole other episode planned out already, so just let me know when you're available. But until then, let's wrap it up. I am obsessed with this conversation. I feel like there's, like I said, so much more to dig down on um Just because everyone's in a relationship and I know for me, like I've had multiple clients come to me and tell me certain things about their sex life that they're doing that I think to myself, oh my gosh, if you only knew yourself, if you only knew yourself, you might not keep doing that.
00:54:58
Speaker
And then we get there and then they stop doing that. You know what I mean? They stopped behaving the way that they've been behaving for 30, 40, 50 years. And it's like, oh my God, it was right here all along, right here. Like my happiness was right here. It wasn't out there. And then once you have it here, once you have it with yourself, you can experience it all over the place. So, okay, I'm going to end it there.
00:55:24
Speaker
Thank you so much. And I want you now, if you have any offers, um please like feel so free to take this time to to tell the listeners. And then also, where can people find you? And I will link whatever you say here in the show notes.
00:55:46
Speaker
Yes. Ah. So beautiful, such an amazing conversation. And yeah, so everyone, you can find me, Instagram will be the best place. At nickelandavone is my Instagram. You also look at my website, nickelandavone.com. I do one-on-one work. And then I also have a new group coaching program I'm so excited about. We begin October 15th. It's called In Our Union. So it aligns to everything we're talking about and it's all around How do you come back to creating that deep union, that deep balance of your masculine and feminine ener energy so that you can cultivate incredible relationships, passionate relationships, relationships filled with intimacy?
00:56:29
Speaker
And so we'll be working on these different pillars of expanding yourself through intimacy, working with your subconscious, working with your attachment style, then working with balancing of your masculine and feminine energies. And then the last pillar is working with your communication. How do you become an embodiment of your highest form of thriving through your communication, both verbally, non-verbally learning the art of subtlety, the art of invitation, and really creating the relationships you desire in your life.
00:56:57
Speaker
and Okay, so basically, like you just said, this is where people can go to fall back in love with themselves, right? And then like experience it on the outside. And I think that really does sum up everything that we just talked about. And I think it's Such essential work because like I said until I had that love for myself and I didn't know how to put a label on it I didn't know how to and so the the listeners are so lucky to have somebody like you here that they can go follow and that they can go join to do this work because I stumbled upon it, thank God, but
00:57:33
Speaker
Luckily they have you and I think that again it's essential to really love yourself first otherwise well actually when you do it's just all the other pieces fall together and and we started this entire episode with me saying you know everything I thought I had to heal everything one by one I thought it was all situational. And when I really take a step back, I know in my heart of hearts that it was the day that I decided, I chose myself and I decided to let go of the outside world for a little bit, work on me and really connect to who I am at the core, which is my spirit.
00:58:10
Speaker
And the rest took care of itself. So the work that you're doing is essential. essential um All right, Nicola, thank you so much again. I appreciate you so much. so Such a pleasure. Thank you for having me, Dana.