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EP 30: Outsourcing your power: the cost of skipping the soul work - Season 2 Kickoff!
15 Plays2 days ago
Hello beautiful friend!!!
Okay so the coaching industry is blowing up with new people joining all sorts of premium level masterminds and as these spaces grow I can’t help but feel a little…angry.
Let me tell you, if I had come into a high level space, paying upwards of $20k six years ago I would have failed, not just financially, but on a personal level too. Because here’s the thing, I had a shit ton of trauma that I had yet to clear, and being in that unhealed phase would have ensured that my ego would have been running the show, calling the shots and ultimately running me into the ground along with it.
Because here’s the truth, you cannot build something from your soul when your ego is running the show. You cannot feel 100% aligned, in power, able and confident in your abilities as a mentor when you’re so wrapped up in egoic perceptions of the world born of your past experience of life (i.e. traumas!).
So when you follow a mentor who’s built a business without fully healing from her past (because she was either born happy, joyous and free OR she built the damn thing but also damn near burned it down in her angst after realizing money did not in fact, buy her happiness - I’ve had mentors who fit both molds) it’s so easy for your ego to get wrapped up in the idea that she’s your ticket to making this whole thing work without looking at your addictions, abuse, abandonment issues, mental illness, etc. You end up outsourcing your precious energy to yet another outside “fix” and in turn you receive little more than confusion, self doubt, and ultimately the idea that this calling was never yours to begin with (once you’ve been worn down long enough to believe that atrocious lie).
There’s a better way. And it starts with undiluted, focused healing.
Listen for all the deets on how you can avoid this impending scenario that is and will affect so many soul-called healers and mentors. To heal others we must first heal ourselves. And it is completely possible.
Xo,
Dana
🙏🏼Grab the free PDF with my favorite meditation, prayer and healing resources by clicking here.
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Transcript
Introduction to Season Two
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome to season two of the modern day healer. I am Dana Hayes, your host. And if you weren't here for season one, well, you wouldn't know, but we no longer have. the long drawn out intro anymore. This is this season is going to be so much more raw, unfiltered, real.
00:00:23
Speaker
And not only that, but this is going to be like, we're getting straight to the point, okay? I want this to give you so much value, so much service that you walk away going, oh my God, my mind is blown. And I also have practical tools that I can use in order to implement the things that were talked about on the show.
00:00:45
Speaker
So um please excuse my voice. I am getting over a sickness, so I don't usually sound like this. I'm very raspy. But other than that, I'm so happy
Critique of the Coaching Industry
00:00:54
Speaker
you're here. I'm so excited to talk to you today.
00:00:57
Speaker
And I have a little bone to pick with the coaching industry. I have been here for almost a decade and i know that for me, when I was first starting out and here, like if if you're just beginning, oh my God, this is going to be gold because it can help you literally save years, like at least half of a decade worth of time, um not well spent and money not well spent.
00:01:26
Speaker
And so if I can do that for you, like, that's what I want to do. But I remember in the very beginning, like I would spend so much money and so much time on courses like Amy Porterfield's courses that convert.
00:01:41
Speaker
And um then there was like Marie Forleo's B school. And um then there was a digital course academy and All of these things where it's like, do it yourself. You can do this.
00:01:55
Speaker
Nobody's like you. And then you get into this wider world or actually maybe a more narrow world, but this more magical world of masterminding.
00:02:07
Speaker
And you find these high ticket premium price coaches who ultimately are doing things that you're like, oh my God, if she can do it, I can do it. And the bone I have to pick with not necessarily the people doing this because it's not on them, not not at all.
00:02:25
Speaker
um But the e the lack of awareness, maybe it's just like this lack of awareness with them and with the coaching industry in general. And I know that this is going to start coming out more and more.
00:02:41
Speaker
We're going to start seeing more of this, like more of this idea that the lack of awareness around what it took for that person to get where they are today, as opposed to the normal person.
Personal Trauma and Business
00:02:57
Speaker
So the reason I say this, not everyone that is like making multi eight figures, you know, a year is somebody that has not had trauma to go through. In fact, there are some that have like for sure have had to heal tons of trauma.
00:03:15
Speaker
But then there are some, and this is where you have to be careful about what information you're consuming, who you're following, and what kind of business model you're creating from the get-go and how you're actually strategizing your own business development.
00:03:34
Speaker
Because if you're basing it off of the way that somebody who has had no trauma from their past, and I'm talking like everyone has had hardships in the past and painful negative experiences, but not all of those people have carried that into their present moment, right? So there is no trauma there. There's just, ah some people literally are just born happy, joyous, and free, and that is freaking amazing for them.
00:04:01
Speaker
But that's not my story.
Ego-driven Decisions
00:04:03
Speaker
Right. So for me to be following somebody like that, who has had these issues come up where they're like, you know, they've had to overcome some adversity, but not well like what I have had to overcome, meaning not the types of abuse or the types of like addictions, deep addictions, um,
00:04:24
Speaker
the type of mental illnesses that, for example, I have had to go through and I try to do things the way that they have done them in order to develop my business, ultimately, it's it can be very destructive.
00:04:40
Speaker
It can be very dangerous because what happens is i'm my ego, if it's in control, right, like it was in the past, it is looking for ways to ah make itself feel more alive, more real, right? And so if there's another Band-Aid, if there's another fix, if there's another way for it to outsource my...
00:05:09
Speaker
Right, like me as ah as a soul is very different from me as an ego. um But it's so willing to find an external person or product to outsource my power to, because ultimately it knows, and this is intuitive as well, right?
00:05:29
Speaker
Ultimately, it knows that that's not gonna work. Like that's not the thing, that's not where the answers are. But so if it finds this thing, it's going to tell you that's a great idea. So now the mind is still in control, right? So for me, my mind was so fully in control of me.
00:05:48
Speaker
And had I found a $20,000 mastermind back then, I would have joined it and I would have wasted so much money. I would have wasted all of my startup capital. And I thank God that that's not what happened to me. And I only spent a few thousand dollars on a couple of different tools. And like I said, resources like Digital Course Academy, that honestly didn't set me back too much.
00:06:11
Speaker
but But if I had joined, ah a high level mastermind at that point, I really would have not only wasted a ton of time and money, but I would have honestly gotten into such a personally self-destructive space within because I, I know that I would have questioned myself to the point of no return. Like why is this not working for me?
00:06:36
Speaker
Right. And then that, I mean, truly, um soul crushing imposter syndrome and, fraudulent feeling would definitely take hold, come in and once again, knock me off of my own creative path.
Healing Before Success
00:06:55
Speaker
Right. And then I'm already like, especially back, like I'm talking about five, six, well, more six plus years ago, ah decade ago, I'm in this like self-sabotaging mode anyway.
00:07:09
Speaker
And I'm telling myself that I'm not. So it's literal delusion. Like I'm lying to myself. I'm drinking heavily. I'm smoking heavily. i'm doing all of these things to push my husband away. I'm fighting with people. I'm getting in fights with family members.
00:07:23
Speaker
And yet I'm trying to start this personal development business. And that was a very interesting thing to go through because ultimately it served to show me how much I needed to humble myself and realize that it wasn't me that was going to be running this show.
00:07:44
Speaker
And if it was going to be me, I was ultimately going to run it into the ground, which did happen. And so that's kind of my lesson here to share with you is if you're just beginning or you've been working on this for a really long time and you've skipped the process of deep healing from past traumas and you jump right into the world of doing and trying to be somebody aspirational.
00:08:11
Speaker
it's It can just be completely destructive and detrimental because you're going to question yourself. And it's not your fault. You're watching these other people who genuinely have either totally healed from their past experience of life or...
00:08:30
Speaker
They haven't, and maybe they're burning out or maybe they're they're making money, but it's not making them happy. I have had a coach who 100% was in that place teaching energetics and there was no energetics to be found, right?
00:08:45
Speaker
And or they literally did not have to do that. That was not their path. Healing was not a part of their journey. They were born happy, joyous, and free. So regardless, all three of these people have no wherewithal to be able to teach you how to genuinely hear heal from your traumas because they just didn't have, they did that wasn't their path for themselves. They didn't do it for themselves.
00:09:08
Speaker
they They weren't given path. opportunity to walk that path and be able to experientially teach it to somebody like me or somebody like you.
The Myth of Delusional Success
00:09:19
Speaker
And so that's like the bone I have to pick is I i see people going into these high level containers and it breaks my heart because they're talking about feeling like a complete imposter, feeling like a fraud, feeling like how can I help other people when I haven't helped myself yet? And it's like, yes,
00:09:39
Speaker
That's the self-awareness piece, but it goes so far beyond that. Like I'm seeing this new idea being touted across the internet and it's that like being delusional is a good thing.
00:09:53
Speaker
And I get it. I get what the the point of that is, which is to like dream your biggest dream and go after that and like let go of what other people think about you because it's going to seem delusional and maybe in some ways it is, but it's your dream and you get to do what you want.
00:10:09
Speaker
I ah subscribe to that. However, the idea of being delusional on a fundamental level is very freaking dangerous when it's being played with by people who actually are in their own delusion.
00:10:23
Speaker
And I say that with a lot of love because I was in that place. And to be delusional literally just means that you lie to yourself and you believe your own lies. You feed yourself lies and you believe your own lies.
00:10:36
Speaker
And I know I did that. And I knew it on an internal level. That was where the inner conflict started for me, was seeing my own behaviors, seeing my own reactions, watching how affected I was by other people, and yet trying to teach other people how to change and how to be a better person and how to be different.
00:10:59
Speaker
When in reality, I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn't doing it for myself. But ultimately, I genuinely thought that willpower was meant in order to make that happen.
00:11:13
Speaker
So I thought the more I tried and the more effort I exerted and the more pressure I put on the situation that and and the more personal development books I read and the more I dove into the topic of change, I would change.
00:11:29
Speaker
But the truth is is that Self-knowledge is not what creates change. Self-awareness is not what actually creates change.
00:11:41
Speaker
That's the very beginning piece of the puzzle, yes. But ultimately, the only thing that creates lasting change is when you're able to heal your traumas from the past, completely clear yourself of those, and connect to the truth of who you are as a soul.
00:12:06
Speaker
That is the missing piece. And ultimately what happens is when you do that, when you actually connect with that deeper place within, The addictions, the um the self-sabotaging behaviors, the self-soothing, right? The numbing.
00:12:26
Speaker
You begin to drop these things naturally because they no longer hold the value that they once dick And so what happens is you drop these things and more and more you create spaciousness to just be and to become the spiritual being that you always were and then that you were always meant to express on a human level.
00:12:52
Speaker
And I think that's the biggest frustration is when we get into this coaching world, we're trying to be somebody that we're not. And we don't even mean to do that necessarily, but we're looking for a way in.
00:13:03
Speaker
We're looking for a way to be a part of this business world where we're starting something on our own. We're entrepreneurs. We are going to teach. We're going to have a methodology. We're going to have a framework.
00:13:15
Speaker
We're going to have a modality.
Finding Your Own Path
00:13:17
Speaker
Right. And so, A lot of times what you do is you go out there and you try to find somebody else's framework or methodology or or modality and you try to implement it as your own.
00:13:30
Speaker
And you try to learn it inside out. Maybe you try to change some words. And then you go out there and you try to teach it and you realize, oh my God, I can't do this. Number one, because it doesn't stick. Because it's not what changed you.
00:13:42
Speaker
It's not the thing that actually gave you such a full on shift. a change of heart that you could draw experience from and speak experientially from, right? That's where true ah articulation comes from of these complex concepts.
00:14:00
Speaker
Like what I'm doing right now, breaking down very complex ideas, but it's because I have experience with them. And when you begin to crack through and break down all of the armor that you've built from guarding yourself from more trauma, right? Based off of your fear of of being exposed to it ever again, the way that you were in the past. When you begin to break that down, you actually start to...
00:14:35
Speaker
You actually start to, that's you peeling away everything that is not you. Like Michelangelo and the David, for example, um the sculpture you know that he created that is a world-renowned masterpiece.
00:14:49
Speaker
And people were like, Michelangelo, how the heck did you do that? And he was like... I just chipped ah away all the pieces that were not David. And that's exactly what we do here, right? We chip all the pieces and all the plates of armor away that are not you, but they were born from the past experience that you had with life. When you experienced abuse, addictions, addictions from other people, bad behaviors from other people, right? Abandonment.
00:15:19
Speaker
things like that, real trauma. The people that come to me have real trauma. And Not to say that if you don't have trauma, like that's another imposter syndrome waiting to happen, right? It's like telling yourself that I don't have enough of a story. I don't have enough that has happened to me. So I'm ashamed to go out there and tell people how to live a beautiful life because I don't even know how it got here. It's like, hold on.
00:15:44
Speaker
You could reverse engineer that. You can just tell people how you live your life. And that's the easiest thing in the world. Like that's amazing. Just go do that. But for other people, the black sheep, right? The ones who have these these abusive pasts, these ah addictive pasts, these pasts where it's like, oh my God, that there are things that you actually have to be able to let go of in order to create spaciousness and room for newness and inspiration.
00:16:13
Speaker
Inspiration means to live in spirit. For these things to come in and take effect, There's work to be done. And so when there's work to be done, and we know that on like an intuitive level, but our ego is still so manipulative and so in control of us, it's so easy to see somebody on a pedestal, right? Like a coach that's making eight figures right now.
00:16:42
Speaker
even though they have not had past that is similar to yours and have not had to do the things that probably you need to do. It's so easy to look at them and say, okay, if she can do it, I can do it right without having to go to those dark places first and clear that out first because ultimately she doesn't teach that because she doesn't even know how to do it because she didn't have to do it.
00:17:09
Speaker
Then you go into that situation. Your ego is totally running the show. And then it becomes this whole tennis match back and forth. Why am I not feeling like I know what I'm doing?
00:17:23
Speaker
Why don't I have the confidence to just put myself out there? Why can't I just say the effing thing? What am i even trying to say? i don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Spiritual Guidance in Business
00:17:33
Speaker
These pieces of clarity, confidence, and conviction only come when you are completely connected to who you are at the core. And that takes true healing. That takes clearing out.
00:17:47
Speaker
And I don't mean... dabbling in modalities and trying to fix yourself once again, right? Because that's another path to self-destruction. And this is the issue.
00:17:59
Speaker
And i i this is where I get so heated because I'm like, oh my God, you are trying to fix you. That's the problem, right?
00:18:10
Speaker
And it's like, Dana, okay, then who the hell else is going to fix me? I will tell you, it is a higher power. What is healing? What exactly is healing? Healing is you chipping away at all the things that are not your wholly healed self. You were born healed.
00:18:26
Speaker
Your soul is this infinite thing. it is energy. It is never going anywhere. it cannot be created. it cannot be destroyed. It is already whole. It is healed.
00:18:37
Speaker
You know, this is just a term we throw around, but what does healed mean? It just means being a part of the whole and knowing that and being inextricably tied to it and having no tarnishes to that thing.
00:18:51
Speaker
Right. And so, That part of yourself is healed and it will always be that way. You cannot change that. And so that's how we heal. We literally take everything away that is not that.
00:19:04
Speaker
And so what is that? That is your soul. That is the extension that lives within you, that is you, right? That is your extension to your higher power, to the source of everything, to all of creation, right? You can call it God, you can call it universe, source, um goddess. I don't know, like there were as many billion people as there are on planet earth, there are that many different conceptions of a higher power. And that's what you get to do. You get to create your own conception, whatever works for you.
00:19:39
Speaker
And then the point though, is that you create a genuine relationship. This is where most people like get it wrong, right? They they believe in something bigger, but they don't form a relationship.
00:19:52
Speaker
And this is the work. The way to form a relationship with your higher power is first and foremost, clearing things out, clearing resentments, clearing rage, clearing anger, these heavy negative emotions from your past experience of life, cleaning up your past so that your present moment but is so much lighter and has so much more room for you to actually talk and listen to this higher part of yourself to your higher power this is not something that you coach this is not something that you say hey i'm thinking i want to do this or that which one do you think
00:20:28
Speaker
No, no, no. Like you don't come in here and tell it what's going to happen. You literally use your willpower. That thing that I thought I was supposed to be exerting on every external thing in my life in order to get some semblance of control,
00:20:43
Speaker
and to make change happen. Yeah, that thing. You use that for one thing and one thing only. And that is to ask your higher power for what its will is for you.
00:20:55
Speaker
And then you make the choice to use your willpower to carry that out. That is literally it. So you simplify your entire life because you take out all of the the crap from the past. You unload that emotional baggage, right?
00:21:11
Speaker
And then you're making... this spaciousness for your higher power to enter in relationship with you, right? It's always been there. It's actually who you are at the core anyway. It's just what you've always been.
00:21:24
Speaker
You allow it to come in. You give it the ability to create a relationship with you where now you can actually hear it, right? Because there's spaciousness, there's quiet.
00:21:36
Speaker
There was so much noise going on in your head from the past still popping up. Now there's quiet, there's stillness, there's peace. You can hear it. And now you can use your your willpower to make the choice in every moment of your life to follow its will for you as opposed to following the will of your ego.
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
00:21:56
Speaker
Right. And so this is actually a really simple thing to do, but it's not easy because you need to remember to do it and to do it in every single part of your life, not just when it comes to business and making decisions there. I'm talking about like in your personal life, especially it's all one, it it's all wrapped up in itself.
00:22:18
Speaker
And so it really like, I, I feel heartbroken when I think of how confusing, disheartening, and ultimately catastrophic it can be to our psyches and our bank accounts.
00:22:31
Speaker
um And even the people that we coach, if we're not certain in our own abilities to hold space, lead and to take care of ourselves in the way that we want to teach others to do it for themselves. Right.
00:22:45
Speaker
But the only way to do that, truly, it's not through like nervous system regulation. It's not through calibrating with other people who are um on a high frequency.
00:22:56
Speaker
It's not through high proximity with a a leader or a mentor. These things are helpful for sure, but you have to do your own work. You have to do your own clearing work and your own connection work and work on it every single day.
00:23:11
Speaker
This is self-care. And ultimately, it's what gets you to where you want to be without feeling like an imposter, without feeling like a fraud. right?
00:23:22
Speaker
So that's where I want you
Resources for Growth
00:23:24
Speaker
to start. I want you to start, if you have not yet, I want you to start forming a real connection and relationship with your higher power. And the easiest way, and honestly, the most uncomplicated way, and this is like something that people just look over all the time, I think, because it feels too simple, but it's meditation and prayer.
00:23:44
Speaker
Meditation is listening to your higher power. It is not setting an intention for something and then like sitting there and trying to receive it or visualize. It's not that. It's just being quiet, sitting still with yourself and listening To your higher power, like literally letting thoughts come in and letting them go. And then once the session is over, you might have some clarity or at the very least, you're going to have spaciousness that you feel in the middle of the day when something else happens and triggers you. You're going to be able to come back to that space.
00:24:17
Speaker
And then also what happens is this is going to give you space for downloads to come through at random times because you're practicing spaciousness while you're meditating no matter what.
00:24:29
Speaker
So it's giving you the space to hear your higher power in different ways. And then prayer is literally just praying the prayers of your higher power. So it's saying, what is your will for me? And help me to carry that out.
00:24:44
Speaker
That's it That's what your willpower is for. So I have, um, I have a resource list that I want to send to you with different prayers and meditations, um, that you can download and use, uh, so that you can, and you know, really get to, i don't know, get to that place of, of relationship with your higher power.
00:25:09
Speaker
Right. I highly recommend that for right now, you only ask for the will of your higher power nothing else for just a while. um Because really what this is about, this phase of healing is about is you becoming discerning enough to know the difference between your ego talking to you and your soul speaking.
00:25:28
Speaker
I cannot tell you how many clients I've had that are like, how do I know if it's my intuition or if it's my ego? If you haven't taken enough time to sit and to truly get quiet with yourself and meditate and only ask for the will of your higher self,
00:25:44
Speaker
This is going to be a real question on your mind for a long, long time. So the sooner you get started doing this, the sooner things are going to be much more clear to you. And you're going to follow the path of something bigger as opposed to your ego, which is the creative path as opposed to the self-destructive path.
00:26:03
Speaker
I have a list of prayers and meditation resources that you can use as well as other healing resources um that begin and end like with the core of who you are, right?
00:26:16
Speaker
So these things are gonna help you get to that core. And i also have the modern day healer hotline. Oh my God. I'm so freaking excited about this. It's brand new, but it's an option for anyone who would love to be coached live on this show.
00:26:31
Speaker
So basically you just fill out a questionnaire. um You get, you let me get a better idea of what you're looking for, either in the healing realm or even in business development.
00:26:42
Speaker
And I'll get you on here and I'll give you personalized feedback for half of an hour. ah So it's basically a free coaching session. Or if you would rather do it anonymously, you can pay for it and you can do the modern day healer sampler and you can choose your flavor.
00:26:58
Speaker
You can choose either soul or strategy. And it's the same thing. You fill out a questionnaire. You tell me more about the healing or mindset shift that you're hoping to receive or maybe it's something business-related. And we can take a ah peek behind the scenes, if you will, of either what you're going through or what you're doing in your business.
00:27:18
Speaker
And I can give you personalized feedback, and it's $97. So links to all of this can be found in the show notes. And I am just so freaking excited to walk this journey with you. This is a new season. This is a new... um This is just a new journey. This is a new path.
00:27:34
Speaker
We are goingnna we're going to kill it. Like, this is... We are on our freaking way to connecting with the highest part of ourselves and building something from that space, which is genuine creation, right?
00:27:49
Speaker
So it all starts and begins and ends right there with that part of yourself. I will see you next episode. Bye guys.