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EP176: Paul Bauer - How To Fix Dead Bedrooms!
75 Plays24 days ago
Are you tired of feeling like the spark is gone in your relationship or that modern society is leaving men in the dust? What if the answer lies in reclaiming your masculine presence? Many men today find themselves at a crossroads, unsure how to reignite their relationships or find purpose amidst the chaos of modern life. Whether you've faced the challenges of a struggling marriage, the frustration of dating, or simply feeling disconnected from your authentic self, you're not alone.
Rediscover your masculine essence with our guest, Paul Bower, as he discusses his latest book, The Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence. This powerful guide helps men reprogram their mindset and embrace the traits that foster respect, attraction, and purpose. Learn why so many long-term relationships falter, uncover the root causes of the epidemic of dead bedrooms, and explore actionable steps to improve yourself and your relationships. Be inspired by real-life stories of men who transformed their lives through self-improvement and a renewed sense of purpose—and discover how you can do the same.
You’re invited to come to a Sovereign Circle meeting to experience it for yourself. To learn more, go to https://www.sovereignman.ca/. While you’re there, check out the Battle Ready program and check out the store for Sovereign Man t-shirts, hats, and books.
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Transcript
Introduction to Sovereign Man Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
So then she starts seeing that he's doing all this self-improvement. He's ah cured himself type 2 at diabetes, losing all this weight. He's actually taking her on dates again. He's trying to he's working on Kino escalation and and seduction skills. And she is eating this up and noticing. So now she's like, hey, what books are you reading?
00:00:19
Speaker
right? Because she notices he's reading all these books and listens to my podcast. And hey, that that podcast you listen to, you're friends with that guy, right? What what books does he recommend for women? A book called Keys to the Kingdom. And so he tells his wife this and his wife goes out and buys those books and starts reading those books and starts implementing that stuff. She's noticing all the effort he's putting in. And so now she wants to put an effort to.
00:00:40
Speaker
You're a man living in the modern world in a time when men and manhood are not what they once were. You live life on your own terms. You're self-sufficient. You think for yourself and you march to the beat of your own drum. When life knocks you down, you get back up because in your gut you know that's what men do. You're a badass and a warrior. And on the days when you forget, we are here to remind you who you really are.
00:01:10
Speaker
Welcome to Sovereign Man podcast where we aim to make men masculine again. I'm your man, Nicky Baloo. And back today is a great repeat guest, the one and only Paul Bauer. Welcome Paul.
Paul Bauer's Backstory
00:01:26
Speaker
Nicky, thanks for having me, man. I always liked being on your show.
00:01:30
Speaker
You know what bro? Thank you for coming. Cause I always like having you on my show. So that, that makes two of us. So you have a brand new book out what I, which I actually read from cover to cover. It's called the essential skills of a masculine presence. It's part of a series, a psychology paradigm, and we're going to talk about it today. So Paul, let's get into this. What made you decide to become one of the writers of this series?
00:01:55
Speaker
Well, that's an excellent question, Nikki. But first, for people that are just tuning in that haven't listened to one of the episodes that I've done with you before, I'd just like to give people a little bit of backstory about me. I'm a guy that I grew up in a rural small town, Colorado, in the mountains just outside of Denver. I was always kind of a little bit of a ladies man, always really good with the girls, but I was always that kind of guy that every girl that I i i got with, I was sniper dating, I i thought, this is this is it, she's the one, we're gonna settle down with her. And I ended up rushing into a marriage when I was i was only 20 years old, Nikki, and got married,
00:02:41
Speaker
And that was when I was in the Navy. i was I served in the Navy for four years, about halfway in. I met my now ex-wife. We got married. We were rushed into that. We eloped. We ended up being together for 14 years after that. We had two great kids together. But man, about halfway through that marriage, it just crumbled. And it was just miserable, the last half of that marriage. And back in 20,
00:03:09
Speaker
13, we moved back here to Colorado and she filed
Paul's Self-Improvement Journey
00:03:12
Speaker
for divorce. So the whole year of 2014, I found myself in a situation where I hadn't dated in 15 years, I was fat, I was overweight, I floundered around for about 11 months, didn't know what I was doing. And then I found myself in a relationship with a girl that was a little bit of a chubby chaser, Nikki. And she took pity on me. And like a lot of guys do, I rushed into that relationship because she was the first girl that was nice to me after the divorce. And so I got into a relationship with this gal. And what I found was um I lost all the weight. But about two years in, the same pattern started to emerge from when I was married. I started being more accommodating. I started putting her on a pedestal. I started
00:04:02
Speaker
avoiding arguments, all that kind of stuff. And she started losing attraction for me. And about halfway through that relationship, she basically mentally checked out, started looking for an alternative. And two years after that, i she was acting so bad, I finally broke up with her.
00:04:21
Speaker
And she immediately was with another guy. I later found out she was, you know, cheating on me on the back end with that. But this time I found myself back on the dating circuit. I was much better at getting dates this time because I had lost all the weight, but I couldn't keep women around longer than two or three dates. I was repelling women and I didn't know what I was doing. And so I took a deep dive in intersexual dynamics. I started reading books like No more Mr. Nice guy by Dr. Robert Glover. How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne. The rational male, just you name it. I started really diving in. I wanted to understand what I was doing wrong because I looked at the situation like I was the common denominator. So after I did that, I found myself in a men's group and back in 2020. And out of that men's group,
00:05:15
Speaker
I started the podcast, I started my podcast that come on me a podcast. And after that, I really started diving in deep, start interviewing some of the top names in the business, I decided to go get certified as a life coach and in NLP.
Writing and Mindset in Relationships
00:05:30
Speaker
And I decided to start helping men level up and get better with women. And now, more importantly, I help men who are married get their wives to enthusiastically want to bang them again because we all know that oftentimes guys who have been married after seven years, they they lose that spark. So you asked me about the book. um ah long Long story short,
00:05:55
Speaker
I've been in the space for a long time. Luckily, several years ago, I was invited to be on a men's panel show on Saturdays called Rule Zero that has guys like Rolo Tomasi on it, guys like Rich Cooper used to be on the show.
00:06:09
Speaker
um A bunch of names in the red pill space have been on the show. And one of the guys on the panel, his name is RP Thor. And Thor wrote a book called, A Dominant Masculine Presence. And in that book, he lays out seven skills of a dominant masculine presence. And this book is really good because I don't know if you've ever read the book, Boy Crisis,
00:06:33
Speaker
which is a New York Times bestseller by Warren Miller or whatever. It's a really good book. It identifies the problems with masculinity in this country, but the prescriptions for it are terrible. They basically tell men to be more vulnerable, all the kind of stuff that got got us to this masculinity crisis in the first place. And Thor's book is like, no, we have a masculinity crisis. crisis how ah How about we tell teach men how to be men again? How about we teach men to be more masculine?
00:07:02
Speaker
And so Thor wrote that book and then he got this idea because he wanted to write more books in the series but poor Thor came down with ah brain cancer ah last year sometime. Yeah.
00:07:16
Speaker
Oh, it's awful. It's really bad. But he's he's winning. He's winning that fight just so everybody knows he's winning that fight. But he came up with this idea of like, hey, I know all the big names in the men's podcast space. He's like, I'm friends with the guys on Fresh and Fit. I'm friends with Rolo. I'm friends with all the old 21 convention guys. I'm friends with everybody. thor If Thor gets along with everybody. So he invited everybody he knew.
00:07:42
Speaker
to start writing books in the series based on those original seven skills of a dominant masculine presence. And so when he approached me, I was like, um'm I'm a law of attraction guy. And so I was like, you know, I'm going to I'm going to sneak a large law of attraction book into the red pill space, and I'm going to call it psychology paradigm, because if you really want the psychological explanation for the law of attraction, what you're really doing is reprogramming your subconscious mind to believe you can achieve various things, whatever your goals are. And I was like, if we if I write a book like that, but make it all around having a dominant masculine presence, I can have guys read this book, and they can literally reprogram their subconscious mind to have that dominant masculine presence. So that was my motivation for writing that book. You know, since I read your book,
00:08:30
Speaker
um I ordered the Corey Wayne book because you you know you you reference it in the last few chapters there. So I go, okay, I better go read this guy. My 18-year-old son had me buy him that book and he read that darn book and he said he liked it. My fitness coach told me, Corey Wayne's book is good. So then you, three dudes in my life said, okay, fuck it. I'm going to buy the book and I'm going to read it.
00:08:52
Speaker
but I read the bonus chapter, which was a chapter from Thor's book, and I thought, I need to read what this man has to say. And I bought Rolo's books years ago, and I never read them, but I should read them. I think it's important for me to get that information into my head and and start to think it through, not just for myself, but for the men that I that i just seek to help, because I run a men's group myself as well. um But you wrote this book to help men And why do you think this book, the way you wrote it, is important and relevant to me? I know why I think it is, but I wanna hear it from you. My concept is everything starts in your head. Everything starts with your mindset. Everything starts with your mentality. And a lot of guys, me included, me included, we're raised with certain paradigms that society tells us. We're raised with certain paradigms from,
00:09:49
Speaker
the um the media that we consume, a lot of guys are raised in single mother households, or if they're not, maybe dad works a lot. And so their influences are pretty much women. They have their moms at home, they have their teachers at school, something like 90% of teachers are women. So a lot of boys aren't raised to have a masculine paradigm.
00:10:15
Speaker
And so I figured this would be the perfect first book in the essential skills series because it starts up here, it starts in your mind. Everything else after you get your mind right will sort of work out for itself. So that was my my idea behind writing that one first.
Client Case Study: David's Transformation
00:10:32
Speaker
Okay. So why do you think men um who've been married for seven years plus run into this um epidemic of dead bedrooms. And do you have a story or two you can share of some people that you know that have run into this besides yourself? oh yeah And how you've helped them handle this? Yeah, um let me tell let me tell you one guy. one guy he's This is a really good story.
00:11:10
Speaker
my man My man David, he doesn't mind me using his name. he In fact, he prefers that I use his name. and nice no manate My man David, he he and I, he's been following the podcast for a long time. And then we started working together earlier this year. David was in a situation where he had been in a dead bedroom for a long time. And when he He started turning things around because he realized that what a lot of guys do is that he thought he reached the finish line. He thought, okay, I got her now. I don't have to try anymore. I put the ring on it. I don't have to do anything anymore. Now it's my job to go to work and provide.
00:11:52
Speaker
And then things are just going to magically work out. A lot of guys get married thinking, OK, I'm just going to have unlimited access to sex now. I don't even have to. I don't have to date her anymore. Like I did all that stuff. And so that's how my man David ended up. And he's one of those guys that just like me.
00:12:08
Speaker
gained a crap load of weight, just let himself go. But not only did he let himself go, he ended up having kidney issues. He had major kidney failure. He ended up having to go on dialysis for a long time. All of that very bad medical situation that he was in caused him to not be able to do his manly functions in the bedroom and then He had to have surgery, he had to have a kidney transplant. That whole process caused him to go through a whole thing of erectile dysfunction for a while.
00:12:44
Speaker
And so he had to work on getting that stuff working again. And then when he finally got that stuff working again, his wife basically had already lost interest because he wasn't doing all the attractive stuff while he was doing all that kind of stuff. And he also sort of had a woe is me attitude, which I have a working hypothesis. You know, a lot of guys complain that their wives will leave them when they're down and out, like maybe they lose a job, maybe they get really sick with something like kidney failure. And women,
00:13:14
Speaker
do tend to leave, but I think it's not necessarily because the guy is in that position, but because mentally he's given up on himself. So David sort of was in a woe is me, cry about it mentality instead of doing something about it.
00:13:31
Speaker
So when he finally found my podcast, he started reading the books I recommended. He started actually implementing some of this stuff. And then earlier this year, he actually started working with me working with me directly. Since that time, he's lost a tremendous amount of weight. He's cured himself. He also has type 2 diabetes. He let himself get so heavy that he got type 2 diabetes.
00:13:54
Speaker
He's cured himself of two diabetes. He hasn't had an insulin shot in five months. um And then on top of that, he's implementing all of the strategies that i I teach men, not just in that book, my first book, and then also through my coaching program. But his wife is starting to respond again. They're actually going on dates again. She's actually sending him dirty texts now. And then he shows up and she's you know wearing the lingerie and stuff. And he's like, I don't know what got into her, man, but she is enthusiastically wanting to be with me again. I'm like, you did it. You you did it, man. Like you you did what I told you to do. You implemented it and it works like what I teach works. So, yeah, David's been able to turn things around. He's his wife has been pretty much on the upswing for the last year or so. And it's really been a ah thing to watch. So what's the biggest thing
00:14:49
Speaker
you think he did out of your coaching that made a difference for him, that had her go, ooh, I want him again. Well, one of the biggest things was he stopped looking for her approval. So he started working on improving himself. He started losing a bunch of weight and then ah she would actually shit test him with this. This is, this is a big thing too. Cause I have another story about shit test Nikki, but, um,
00:15:15
Speaker
This is a this is a big thing. So she starts seeing that he's putting this effort in. She's seeing that he's losing this weight. And what a lot of women will do when they see men start losing weight, they sort of get this competition anxiety in their head because they're like, oh, God, if he's losing weight, women are going to start noticing. Right. We call this dread game.
00:15:35
Speaker
And so she starts going, hey, I don't want you losing any more weight. I think you've lost enough weight. And he's like, no, I'm not at a healthy weight yet. I'm going to keep going. So he told her, no, I'm going to keep going. And that's a big thing a lot of guys won't do. They won't tell their wives no and go with their mission, go with their purpose. So that was one big thing. Another thing he recently did was he started growing a mustache, right? He goes, my wife hates mustaches, but I've always wanted a mustache. I'm just going to do this.
00:16:04
Speaker
So he grows a mustache, she gives him crap about it, and he just agrees and amplifies. He acts indifferent with it, and he just doesn't let her emotional shitstorms influence him. And she loves him for it. she She loves that she can't get her way. And so then she starts seeing that he's doing all this self-improvement. He's ah cured himself type 2 with diabetes, losing all this weight. He's actually taking her on dates again. He's trying to he he's working on Kino escalation and in seduction skills. And she is eating this up and noticing. So now she's like, hey, what books are you reading?
00:16:41
Speaker
right Because she notices he's reading all these books and listens to my podcast and, hey, that that podcast you listen to, you're friends with that guy. right What books does he recommend for women? right so So then i I say, oh, well, you know my girl's reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and she she likes to read a book called Keys to the Kingdom. right Those are two books that my girl reads on repeat to help her get better with men.
00:17:06
Speaker
And so he tells his wife this and his wife goes out and buys those books and starts reading those books and starts implementing that stuff. She's noticing all the effort he's putting in. And so now she wants to put an effort too. And that's one of the the biggest things guys will see when they work with me is that once they start the effort and they start putting in the work on themselves, their wives 99% of the time start seeing that and now want to put investment back in.
00:17:39
Speaker
You know what? I think I'm going to buy these books for Teresa for Christmas. I don't know about it. So the first one is Dr. Laura's book, but the second one, Keys to the Kingdom, it's a story format. So I think i think Teresa would really like the keys to the kingdom. Is that Alison Armstrong? Yeah, I believe so.
00:18:00
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. That's good, man. um That's awesome, buddy. That's awesome. I was thinking when you were talking about this guy in his stories, I go, yeah, you know what? Teresa doesn't like my my my facial hair. and I said, yeah, I like it. I'm keeping it. um Yeah. I really don't look for her approval very much.
00:18:17
Speaker
I put a lot of effort into improving myself in the last year and a half, I lost 60 pounds, i I got abs, all that good stuff. And the shit test, that's what I'm, I'm reasonable at the shit test, but I want to get a a fuck ton better. And this whole keynote escalation, seduction skills, I don't even know what the hell that is, but I think I should learn it. I think I should go read the books and check all that stuff out.
00:18:40
Speaker
um I don't have a dead bedroom, but I got to tell you, I want my bedroom to be the way it was when we first started dating because that was some hot ass bedroom. You know what I'm saying? It's always is right. And so that's, and that's the, that's the big thing is, um, so what, like my, on day one, if you work with me on day one, one of the first things we do is we go through a relationship autopsy.
00:19:03
Speaker
And i I take you through like, hey, what, what was it like back when that is? What's the relationship autopsy? You basically have the the client look back at how things were at the beginning of the relationship. Because for most guys, when they meet a girl, right, everything is hot and heavy. It's new. It's fresh. It's exciting. You're taking her out all the time. You're having fun. When she does ah quirky things, you don't get mad at her about it. You love it. You think it's cute and adorable, right? Well,
00:19:33
Speaker
The thing is that over time, you you're with the these girls for a long time, you start getting complacent. You're like, the stuff that you used to think was cute, you're ah you find annoying now. you know And you stop you stop doing the seduction stuff, the stuff that got her wanting to enthusiastically want to bang you. And so now you're just like, hey, should we? It's Tuesday.
00:19:56
Speaker
It's Tuesday. you know We haven't done it in a while. And now you're basically begging for it, which isn't attractive. She doesn't like that. So if you get if you get the client thinking about, okay, how was it in the beginning? how would How did you act? Were you a little more assertive? Were you a little more like this? Did you did you make plans? Did you plan dates and all this kind of stuff? You'll find that they'll realize that there's a gap there. And so now it's like, okay, well, now we got to get back to that because that's what made you attractive in the first place. So we need to get back to that guy.
Balancing Work and Marriage
00:20:25
Speaker
You know, so my, my woman, I mean, you know, my woman, she's, she's, she's great. And we have, we have a very good relationship, but the last few weeks she's been in a play. We haven't gone on a date in weeks, like weeks, because you know, every day she's doing the bloody play, man. So our new usual date night. So I'm thinking this week, she's finally done with this shit. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to plan dinner.
00:20:49
Speaker
I'm going to come pick her up, tell her to like, you know, put on some nice clothes. We'll go to a good restaurant, blah, blah, blah. Uh, I'll take her somewhere. I'll buy her something nice. Uh, and, um, she's, um, she's into certain things, uh, certain types of clothes, certain types of jewelry. She likes certain types of like stud earrings.
00:21:11
Speaker
Yeah, I think I'm gonna do all that. I think that's good that's good, that's good. Do it, do it, but don't tell, like, just tell her, hey, I'm taking you out, but don't tell her what you're doing. Do it as a mystery, a mystery date. So we're gonna do Friday night, I'm gonna tell her. I'm taking you out Friday night, don't make any plans. Yeah, just tell her what to wear and show up on time, right? Like, the yeah get dressed, be ready by ready by six, we're going out, right? That's it. And then have everything else taken care of, she'll love it. Tell me another story. What is another key problem that men have when it comes to having this dead bedroom phenomenon creep into their relationship? Well, yeah, so I so i have this other client. He just recently signed up with me. We'll call him Andy because I'll keep him anonymous. He was in a dead bedroom situation.
00:21:59
Speaker
And his was one of those very similar, right, where um things started slowing down. But this was more because they just had a kid. So he's got a toddler at home. And you know, his wife stressed out because she's stay at home mom, she's doing the whole mom thing. And And he's like, oh, I've got to work extra. i've got i'm the I'm the sole breadwinner now. I got to work my ass off because if I don't, there's no food on the table. We can't pay our bills. So he's been working extra hours. And he also has this, he had this mentality of I have to work extra hours, even though I think he's a he's salary. I have to work extra because I don't have a college degree and I don't want them to fire me.
00:22:43
Speaker
And I'm like, well, how long have you worked there? And he's like, oh, i I can't remember how, but he's been there for years. I'm like, you've already proven yourself. You already have the expertise, right? Like, yeah. You already have certifications, right? You know what you're doing. You have the experience. Yeah. They're not going to fire you. They're not going to fire you over not having a goddamn college degree. Right. I go. I go. So you don't need to work all these hours just because like you need to set some boundaries with your employer and have ah a little bit more of a work life balance so that you can spend some time with your wife because a lot of guys do that, right? They throw out slaying the dragon. They think, hey, this is my job. I'm a provider. And that's nice. But the thing is, is that a lot of guys don't understand is
00:23:22
Speaker
Women are hypergamous by nature. So that means that. What does that mean? Explain that. Yeah. so orgaous so So hypergamy is a part of women's evolutionary mating strategy. It's it's dual in nature. So it's ah can be simplified by alpha fucks beta bucks. Right. They like guys. They're sexually attracted to guys that are fun, exciting, you know, playboy type guys, guys with throat tattoos. They're dangerous. They're attracted to that. Guys that ride motorcycles.
00:23:52
Speaker
but they also need a guy that can be nurturing, that can take care of her, take care of the family, bring it make a lot of money. so A lot of guys don't realize this because they really optimize on making the money, which is good, but that's the beta side of hypergamy. It doesn't necessarily create sexual tension. So when guys go all in on working extra hours, that's not making their wives sexually attracted. And so that it could lead to a dead bedroom if you optimize on that and then never do any of the sexual tension stuff.
00:24:25
Speaker
So that's pretty much what this guy was doing. He also deferred to his wife a lot, let her handle everything, let her handle all the bills, all the finances. He let himself go. He gained a lot of weight. um And he was also doing everything to avoid conflict. So if she was getting mad and snippy, he would sort of shut down and just ignore her and never have any kind of discussions and never have any good communication.
00:24:49
Speaker
Now, one thing I like to say is communication, despite popular belief, is not the key to a healthy relationship, but it is important in conflict resolution.
Handling Relationship Conflicts
00:25:00
Speaker
you know the The key to a healthy relationship is genuine desire, but if there's going to be conflict in a relationship, you need to be able to handle it from a position of authority as the man.
00:25:12
Speaker
And so there's lots of different ways to handle it. I like to use, my friend Paul Benjamin taught me a communication model he calls LUCA, which stands for listen, understand clarity, action. and It allows you as the man to lead a conversation with your wife from a position of authority, understand what she's saying, having a little bit of tactical empathy, and then you create an action plan at the end and then everyone's happy. and Then when women feel heard and understood, that's when the legs open, which is one of the things I learned from Corey Wayne.
00:25:42
Speaker
so um So that's one of the things that I have to teach this guy still, but but second week in, We had the second week, we we talked about dealing with shit tests. So I told you I had a story about shit tests. That's this guy. So I tell him, there's two basic ways to handle a shit test, two good ways that I like that are really easy for men to implement. One is agree and amplify, and one is act indifferent. So your woman says a ah jab at you that she's she's pissed off. She she says so some kind of jab at you like, ah you never do anything around the house, right? That's a common thing women say.
00:26:20
Speaker
So an agree and amplify is where you agree with her and then you take it to the next level and you say, well, I know I'm trying out for the couch championships, right? Like that you like you basically don't take what she says seriously and you sort of playfully joke it off, right? That's agree and amplify. And then act indifferent is where you just don't let whatever she says bother you. She says, you never do anything around the house and and be like, hmm, you don't think so? Okay.
00:26:49
Speaker
You know, like you did you just let it go. Like, it doesn't bother you. You don't um react emotionally. And so so my man. Oh, shit. Yeah. So my man, he his wife right after our coaching call, he's dressed nice. First week, this guy gets motivated. He's like, oh, I, you know, I started telling him during the first ah session about dressing better because he was saying how he likes to wear cargo pants and he likes to wear Hawaiian shirts and his wife hates that stuff so he never she never lets him wear that stuff and I go well let me ask you are your are are your cargo pants too baggy is your or your or you Hawaiian shirts too baggy he's like yeah I go well that's a big problem because a lot of guys dress for comfort not for style I go I bet you if you go to like Kohl's and find some cargo pants that are a little more form-fitting she probably wouldn't have a problem with it
00:27:43
Speaker
You know, if you got ah a shirt that fits you a little bit better and, you know, fit your frame well, she probably wouldn't have a problem with it. So that really got into his head and and he decided he's gonna take it to another level and just start dressing better in general. And so he's dressing in like nice button-up shirts, not not Hawaiian shirts, but nice button-up shirts the next time I meet him. And then after our call, he he has to go out to get like a five gallon jug of water and his wife goes, where are you going this time of night dressed like that? And he goes, oh, I'm gonna go out, I know this gal, she'll give me anything I want for $5.
00:28:19
Speaker
<unk>s I'm just gonna go hit her up. I'm gonna go hit her up. And she goes, what? And he goes, yeah, I'll be back in a little bit. So he just leaves, goes and gets the water, comes back. She goes, oh, how was your girlfriend? And he goes, oh, she was great. She gave me everything I wanted.
00:28:33
Speaker
And then after after that, because he just didn't take what she said seriously. He didn't get defensive about it. He was just being playful and bantering with her. She thought it was great. Started flirting with them. And he goes, I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, dude. After that was that was the second ah interaction I had with him. And it's a 12 week program. Dude, dude. So um let's.
00:29:02
Speaker
Let's say this. We've had ah your story, which I thought was was really ah great, because your story gets right into the ah the heart of why this is important to you and why you want to help
NLP Techniques for Overcoming Depression
00:29:20
Speaker
men. And I appreciate that. You talk about this unattractive, woe is me attitude that men have had. And you know what? I've had this woe is me bullshit attitude. And right now, yeah fuck it.
00:29:30
Speaker
ah You got to stop doing that. And you told us the story of David. And now the story of Andy is take care of yourself, dress better and pass her shit test. And this whole agreeing amplify and act indifferent is absolutely fucking brilliant. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. So give us another story. We need a third story. There's got to be at least three stories of men in this episode that men can listen to and and potentially relate to. So give us another story.
00:30:02
Speaker
I have another story. He's not a dead bedroom situation story, but he's another client I have in mind. And this guy, when he came to me, because I'm also a NLP practitioner, um this guy came to me and he had just a lifetime of depression, just clinical depression, dealing with that kind of stuff his whole life, just always didn't feel good enough, always would go into these downward spirals, always would beat himself up, a lot of negative self-talk. And that guy, when he came to me, ah this was like five months now, five months ago now, every Sunday like clockwork, ah he would reach out to me, he would reach out to me on Telegram. mike My clients, they have they have access to me 24 seven on Telegram. And this guy every Sunday like clockwork was just in a mental,
00:30:55
Speaker
downward spiral. He just sounded like he wanted to off himself like every Sunday. It was it was it was crazy. And so for a while, I was sort of talking him out of that. I was talking him out of it. And then we would have our sessions. And one of the things I ended up teaching him, um one was I had him do this thing called a swish pattern.
00:31:18
Speaker
swish pattern in NLP is a ah technique where you basically, it's a visualization tool and it it it and it causes what's called disassociation. So you have someone think of a depressing moment in their life, something that really triggers them, causes them depression, and you have them imagine it on like a television screen.
00:31:40
Speaker
Right, and so you have them imagining this thing happening on a television screen and then you have them imagine themselves as a different person looking at the person watching the television screen, right? Mentally so at a subconscious level that causes what's called disassociation. And so you have them look at that person watching the this thing go down and you say, you know, what do you think that guy's feeling like? It creates this third party observer effect.
00:32:10
Speaker
And it causes them to disassociate from the emotional feeling of the depression, right? Then you have them go back into that body, and then you have them turn the color down on the TV, right? Turn it to black and white, change the colors of it, right? And then you have them think of a ah more happy experience, something that makes them, you know,
00:32:28
Speaker
ah ah Yeah, I guess happy grateful or whatever. And you have them imagine that on like a different television set or something and have that vividly bright colored. And then you have them reach out and stretch it out over the black and white TV, that sort of thing. And that basically causes that depression to sort of just go away. You know, this whole visualization tool. So I had to do that during one of the sessions, I had to do some other visualization type, things like that.
00:32:57
Speaker
But then one of one of the things that I also taught him was this concept of an instant state change where you stop, look, listen, and smell. So if he was ever in a state like on a Sunday where he was just in a complete downward depression, couldn't snap out of it, talking negative about himself, talking how stupid he was, how whatever, I would say, hey man, stop, look, listen, smell. Like what do you hear? What do what do you see around you?
00:33:28
Speaker
right Because it forces you in the moment. Because the problem with depression and anxiety is is depression, you're thinking about past things that you can't change. And anxiety, you're typically thinking about the future. Well, the past doesn't exist. It's in your mind. The future hasn't happened yet. That's in your mind. The only thing you really have is right now. So that instant state change, you force them into the present moment. So I i would have them do that. Hey, what's around you right now? What do you hear? What sounds do you hear? What do you smell?
00:33:54
Speaker
what What do you see around you? Just get him in the present moment. And then I could talk him out of that stuff. I go, okay, I want you to stand in the mirror right now. I want you to say these affirmations out out loud in front of the mirror right now.
00:34:08
Speaker
you know And then I could get him snapped out of it. And so then I got him on a practice of daily affirmations. And then I got him also engaged in my beer club. my beer club And he started working with but a bunch of other guys where they're holding him accountable. And he started doing a 30-day affirmation challenge. And this guy is a completely different guy now.
00:34:30
Speaker
he's He's active, he's out in the community, he's talking again. You actually, when he when he speaks, you hear life in this guy again. He doesn't hit me up every Sunday like with with ah you know spiraling downwards anymore. This guy actually seems like he's got a future and it's actually a beautiful thing
Addressing Dead Bedrooms and Confidence
00:34:48
Speaker
to watch. And that was that was within five months. That's awesome. That's awesome. Paul, you're a brilliant man and I think your solutions to ah the dead bedroom epidemic are absolutely bang on. They work and they get results. And if a man's listening to this episode and you got a dead bedroom going on in your marriage, contact Paul Bauer. We're gonna make sure we put your your information in the show notes. And what's the best place for us to send them to?
00:35:27
Speaker
If you wanna book a free breakthrough call with me, go to call.fixeddeadbedrooms.com. Get on a call with me. We'll walk through your specific situation. you know If I can help you out with it, I'll show you what that looks like. And if I can't, I'll point you in the right direction.
00:35:44
Speaker
We'll make sure we send you there. You should take advantage of this. If your bedroom is dead and you want your sex life back again, if you want to make your sex life great again, to borrow a phrase from Donald Trump, ah make your bedroom great again, it's time to speak to Paul. ah When the wife says no way, you better call Paul's way.
00:36:08
Speaker
That's right. Better call Paul. Better call Paul's way. All right, man. great Great to have you here, brother. Thanks for coming on, and we'll put all that info in the show notes. Look forward to our next conversation. You take care. Thanks, Nicky. You bet. That's all right. Thank you for listening to The Sovereign Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and become the man you've always wanted to be, we invite you to join the movement at sovereignman.ca.