Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP177: Matt Hallock The Masculine Presence
83 Plays19 days ago
Are you still the man your wife fell in love with, or have you lost yourself along the way?
For many men, life’s challenges—whether in relationships, work, or personal growth—can lead to losing a sense of identity. Confidence fades, attraction dwindles, and the connection in marriage weakens. Have you ever felt like you’ve become a shadow of who you once were, constantly seeking validation or struggling to rekindle the spark in your relationship? You’re not alone.
Life has a way of throwing curveballs that test a man’s confidence and purpose. Whether it’s the weight of chronic stress, relational disconnection, or societal pressures, it’s easy to feel stuck and unsure of how to reclaim the man you were made to be. But here’s the good news: Change is possible, and it starts with rediscovering your inner compass.
Learn what it truly means to rise from rock bottom and rebuild your identity as a man. We explore the weight of losing yourself in a marriage, the critical distinctions between sacrifice and compromise, and the importance of living by your principles. If you’re navigating disconnection in your relationship or trying to reignite your confidence, gain practical insights to help you reclaim your masculinity, embrace your purpose, and become the man you’re meant to be.
mentioned:
The DNA of a Man (available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and more)
You’re invited to come to a Sovereign Circle meeting to experience it for yourself. To learn more, go to https://www.sovereignman.ca/. While you’re there, check out the Battle Ready program and check out the store for Sovereign Man t-shirts, hats, and books.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Men's Identity Crisis
00:00:00
Speaker
There are many men who go through life uncertain of their worth, uncertain of their purpose or their mission is supposed to be. And so I believe that your identity is made up of of a combination of those things. So if a man doesn't know his identity, it means that he typically is walking around without much confidence. He's pushed around by the opinions of others and he's motivated in life largely by people pleasing and by getting people to like him because he's looking for his worth and his validation from others rather than already having it.
The Sovereign Man Podcast Introduction
00:00:40
Speaker
You're a man living in the modern world in a time when men and manhood are not what they once were. You live life on your own terms. You're self-sufficient. You think for yourself and you march to the beat of your own drum. When life knocks you down, you get back up because in your gut, you know that's what men do. You're a badass and a warrior. And on the days when you forget, we are here to remind you who you really are.
00:01:11
Speaker
Welcome to Sovereign Man podcast where we aim to make men masculine again. I'm your man, Nicky Baloo.
Meet Matt Halleck and His Personal Journey
00:01:17
Speaker
We've got a very special guest here today, Matt Halleck, the author of the book, The DNA of a Man. Welcome, Matt. Thanks, Nicky. Happy to be here, my friend. glad Glad to be on with you. Good to have you on the show. So Matt, um tell us a bit about you. Tell us your backstory and then tell us about your book.
00:01:38
Speaker
Yeah, so i ah the book obviously comes from my backstory. So i i I went through a season of life that was um for lack of a better word, hell on earth, basically. ah there was there There was a time when life was just kind of getting started. I was in college. I was engaged ah to be married and my body started to develop a disease. um I was super active and fit. i was I was working a landscaping job, making my way through school that way.
00:02:18
Speaker
and i I developed pain in one of my ankles. I thought I had heard it on the job somehow, fracture, strain it or sprain it or whatever. I went to doctors, they couldn't find anything in x-rays or anything like that, which was which was a scary realization that there was nothing showing up and yet my my foot was swollen and painful to the point where I couldn't walk on it anymore. and um Long story short, what that was was the beginning of a really long and intense battle with body-wide pain and arthritis.
Struggles with Health and Marriage
00:02:53
Speaker
And through that battle, ah I went through a period of really deep depression and discouragement. ah We were, I mean, we were at rock bottom in every sense of the word, my wife and I were. my body I couldn't get out of bed.
00:03:12
Speaker
Um, I, it would, it would take me, if I did have to get out of bed to go to the doctor's office, it would take me like 15 minutes to walk from the bed to the car, which was parked in the garage, right? So if that's, that's ridiculous. Um, it was, it was horrible. My wife would, would lay awake at night.
00:03:32
Speaker
um accidentally, not like intentionally so, but just finding her mind running away with her practicing what she was going to say at my funeral ah because she was just expecting that I was going to die because my body was literally wasting away. It was it was withering. I got down to the point where i i I used to be six foot three. I got down to the point where I was like 105, 110 pounds.
00:03:57
Speaker
ah No good. Yeah, absolutely horrible. And so with all of that, our marriage was under a heavy strain as well. I became very needy. Actually, it exacerbated the neediness that I already had towards my wife. When I was healthy, I didn't realize that I had put my identity into her, looking to her to fill me up, which which made me weak, which made me not attractive. And so in this season of my body collapsing, that came to the surface even more. So I was not being a good husband. She wasn't attracted to me. We we were not connecting.
00:04:40
Speaker
And on top of that, we had no money. We were living at my mom's house under her roof ah because I was not out working and providing for us. So all of that, Nikki, is the is the hellish backstory where this book, the DNA of a man came from.
Motivation Behind 'The DNA of a Man'
00:04:56
Speaker
And the book, it it articulates the journey that I had to go on in order to find ah to find the ability to basically resurrect my life from from where it was. And as a Christian, I was looking for answers particularly particularly to the marriage problem from Christian authors, sermons, things like that, different Christian teachers. And I found that I didn't find any help there.
00:05:35
Speaker
And i I had to discover some teachings on masculinity that are not commonly taught in the church. But when I came across them, I was like, wait, this is I don't know why the church doesn't teach this stuff. This is totally in line with scripture. It's totally in line with kingdom living, kingdom values, things like that. and And so I had to I had to put it into a book because I knew there were other men who needed to know how to find their identity no matter what kind of hell they're going through, who needed to know how to win their wife's attraction, no matter how separated from from her he feels inside, and and who needed to know how to like actually go out and start to thrive in life. Because a lot of Christian men don't know how. So what do you mean by how to find your identity as a man? There are many men who go through life
00:06:35
Speaker
uncertain of their worth, uncertain of their value, uncertain of what their purpose or their mission is supposed to be. And so I believe that your identity is is made up of of a combination of those things. So when if a man doesn't know his identity, it means that he typically is walking around without much confidence. He's he's not certain of of what he believes about any given thing in the world. He's often ah pushed around by the opinions of others.
00:07:14
Speaker
And he's motivated in life largely by people pleasing and by getting people to like him because he's looking for his worth and his validation from others rather than already having it between him and God.
Aligning Identity with God's Viewpoint
00:07:33
Speaker
So as a Christian, my identity I believe my identity is made up of a couple of things. One, it's it's every man has has their own unique identity, and I think it comes down to what are their desires. Your desires for life really are part of the core of who you are. And we all have different different types of desires, different combinations of what we want to see happen in our lives. so So there's that element to an identity, but then there's also our God-given identity, which is,
00:08:02
Speaker
if I feel a certain way about myself, is that accurate or is what God says about me accurate? So when I was in the lowest part of my life, I was feeling, I was feeling like I was not accurate. put together well like a man. I felt like I was a failure. I felt like I was lacking confidence. I was depressed. So I can begin to take those things on as my identity. I'm a guy who's not very confident. I'm a guy who's depressed all the time. I'm a guy who just deals with an anger problem. But if what I, if my opinion of myself is contradictory to what God says about me, then
00:08:51
Speaker
I believe I've got some work to do because he speaks truth about who I am. And so I wanna embrace what he says about me as my identity because it is better than what I see myself as. So it's a very deep multifaceted topic in my opinion. So what does God say about you as a man?
00:09:18
Speaker
You look, if you look in scripture,
00:09:24
Speaker
You know, people people who may not be as, you know, may not be seeking God, may not have have a connection with Jesus. You know, from the outside, you look at the church and you can you can come to this opinion that, man, I don't think God likes me because listening to how Christians talk,
00:09:50
Speaker
It seems like he's constantly ready to punish me. He's constantly probably disappointed in me. ah he just He just doesn't think very highly of me. And and you listen and to Christians, it will quote verses like, um all of your righteousness is as filthy rags, or the human heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. And they they use those verses and they say, see, we're all so screwed up.
00:10:21
Speaker
And we are all just sinners saved by grace, but we'll never be anything more than just sinners until we die and we go to heaven. And when I look in scripture, I see a very ah much different narrative from God about who who we are as men, who I am as a man, who you are. he He says things like, you haven't been given a spirit of fear, but you've been given a spirit of power.
00:10:48
Speaker
a spirit of love and a sound mind. See, when I was at the bottom of of at rock bottom, I thought that I was just a big screw up. And then I saw that verse about myself. I've been given a spirit of power.
00:11:07
Speaker
and love and a sound mind. That doesn't sound like a screw up to me. It sounds like God is telling me that he has given me power. And when I felt like I was a horrible husband, he gave me a spirit of love. I have the ingredients to be an incredible husband. When my mind was all overrun by discouragement and depression, he tells me that my mind is solid. And so
00:11:31
Speaker
i i have an I have the opportunity to choose to say, you know what, God, you told me that this is true of me. So I'm going to go there. He also says that the righteous are as bold as a lion. So I saw that and I was like, wow, I don't feel confident at all. But your word is telling me that I'm bold. OK, Lord, I accept it. I'm a confident man.
00:11:56
Speaker
I may not have lived like it until now, but here we go. I'm going to take you at your word. So it's things like that. There's other, there's other identity statements where he says that we are heirs with Jesus, meaning, meaning we get to receive the same inheritance that his own son receives, which says like we are actually equal heirs with
Biblical Affirmations for Men's Identity
00:12:22
Speaker
him. And what are we heirs of? We're heirs of this kingdom that Jesus brought to the earth. So there's there's just incredible, too good to be true things in there. He says that we're a royal priesthood. So instead of a sinner saved by grace, I'm actually royalty. And i as a priest, I get to interact with God himself
00:12:46
Speaker
and and be an ambassador of his presence in the earth. There's just there's just so much. And I think it all boils down to a core statement that he says about us, which is, you are my son. And that means that it doesn't matter how bad I failed. It doesn't change whose son I am.
00:13:12
Speaker
And I had to really, really get that, like as a son, I'm honored and I'm valued. And he gives me a place at the table with him when I don't feel like I deserve it.
00:13:29
Speaker
Okay.
Reigniting Attraction in Marriage
00:13:30
Speaker
So you said that, um, one of the questions you were asking yourself was how to find your identity as a man. Um,
00:13:40
Speaker
And I forget what was the second question you asked yourself. Remind me what that was. How do I find my identity as a man? ah How do I was it? Was it possibly how do I begin to win my wife's attraction back? Was that the second question? How do I win my wife's attraction back? That's perfect, because I know that there's a lot of men that go through a season where, you know, um they meet their wife, they're all attracted to each other.
00:14:10
Speaker
They get married, they have sex, it's all great. And over time, that attraction goes down to practically zero. So yeah how do I win my wife's attraction back? Let's talk about that. Yeah, you're right. It is. That's a very common story. Oh, so much. Things start out great. I have a client who, that's all he does is he coaches men.
00:14:32
Speaker
Yeah. how to He calls it, I fixed dead bedrooms. Yeah, yeah, right. Exactly. it's ah that's the That's the real pandemic, if you ask me. It is, bro. Absolutely. So, usually in in guys who- All that. He loved that. My God, that's pretty good by what you just came up with there.
00:14:56
Speaker
the That that's the real pandemic. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, man. So guys who resonate with my story, with my message and everything, usually the the common denominator in these dead bedrooms is that they are, they are actually trying to be good husbands. They're actually trying to love their wives. They're trying to,
00:15:25
Speaker
pay attention to her. It's not like this genre of of the dead bedroom is not because the guys out being selfish, just a jerk. He doesn't give a crap about his wife. He's not paying any attention to her. There is that out there, but that's not that's not the genre that we're talking about here. So usually it's the guys who are doing everything they know to try to get their wife's affection, to try to get her attention. And it just seems to be pushing her further and further away.
00:15:54
Speaker
ye And the the reason is that these guys are looking for, again, their identity from their wife. They are looking to get filled up by her instead of approaching her in life from a place where I'm already filled up. So if I'm empty,
00:16:19
Speaker
and approaching my wife for sex or affection or whatever, then all it feels like to her is that I'm a i'm a bottomless pit or a black hole that can never be satisfied. And that smothers her.
00:16:36
Speaker
It it kills her libido kills her attraction makes her feel like she's mothering you because a mom's role is to make sure their child is Is in a state of well-being? And so now it's her she feels like it's her Responsibility to keep her husband in a state of well-being that makes her feel like a mom doesn't make her want to have sex at all so Bottom line, for Amanda to begin, this is not the entirety of the process, but for Amanda to begin the process of winning his wife's attraction back, he's got to find his identity.
00:17:12
Speaker
which then leads him to grow in confidence because now he knows who he is. He knows what he's doing with his life. And so he's feeling better about himself and it leads him to grow in joy. In my opinion, if a man is not joyful in the home, he's not going to be attractive to his wife. And we have a lot of these men who are walking around heavy, melancholy,
00:17:40
Speaker
always burdened down by, by whatever it may be, especially the marriage, that's not going to cut it. So you think about like back when you're dating, what, what was it that that She was attracted to usually in the dating stage. A man is always putting his best foot forward. He's trying to be provide energy, be the life of the date, life of the party. He's he's he's ah at least putting on a facade of confidence in himself and and a certain a certain amount of security. But as the marriage goes over time and he gets heavier and heavier, not necessarily physically, but in his spirit, heavier and heavier.
00:18:21
Speaker
um yet he's still wondering where his wife's attraction went. he He, where did he go? Usually as a man is looking for his identity from his wife, he disappears and he's no longer an individual in the marriage. He's just a shadow of her, and not attractive at all. So he's got to find himself. He's got to find his identity. He's got to learn how to become confident and joyful, even when his wife is not displaying any kind of attention to him.
00:18:54
Speaker
He's got to be like the, ah like go back to the guy she saw across the room who was having conversations, super fun and happy with himself. And she wanted a piece of that. He's got to be the guy that she wants a piece of again. And she's, she's a little upset or a little jealous because she's not getting all of it.
00:19:18
Speaker
So that's not an easy process. It's not like a, it's not like a, yeah, just do this, have this couple of conversations and, you know, buy your wife flowers and you're going to be good. yeah Not at all. You know, this is a very important topic for the vast majority of men over the age of 40 that have been married for five, 10, 15 years because they've become unattractive little pussies and their wife doesn't need another little pussy. She's already got one. you She's looking for a man who's up and hard, you know? Yeah, basically. Like his member and that's how he's got to show up. That's what's attractive to a woman. and um
00:20:08
Speaker
You can't go burdening your wife with your problems. That's what your men are for. Your wife's got to get the best of you. Your men got to get the shitty part of you. And then you fix that, you come to her with the best of you, because that's what's going to keep her attracted to you. This is really, really good. Really, really, really good. So is this what you go into in your book, the DNA of a man?
Structure of Matt's Book and Key Principles
00:20:31
Speaker
Yeah. So the book is divided into three parts. The first part is becoming a man of identity. Right. So so there the the marriage discussion is woven all throughout the book. It's not it's not a marriage book per se. But what I say in there is that marriage was the mirror that I saw myself in and realized I needed to make these changes that are in this book. So so it like I said, it's woven throughout. The second part of the book is being a man of principle. And that's really where a lot of the meat of the marriage discussion comes up because men
00:21:16
Speaker
are are in this place are more governed by their wife's opinion or their wife's mood than they are governed by their own inner set of principles, their own inner compass that that's guiding them.
00:21:32
Speaker
So that is largely where that discussion comes into play of of reestablishing my individuality, being being guided by my own set of principles, even if she disagrees with them, even if she's not in favor of them, I have to be willing to to go to chart a course, even in those times when she's not, she doesn't like it, but if I can do it well,
00:22:02
Speaker
and navigate through all of that while still loving her in strength. Even if she's upset with me, that can actually have long-term dividends. So there is a lot of discussion on all of that in the book. Absolutely. Um, let's talk about that inner compass conversation.
Firm Principles Inspired by Adam and Eve
00:22:21
Speaker
ah So the inner compass in the book, I talk about the story of Adam and Eve.
00:22:32
Speaker
um way back in Genesis, chapters one through three. And in the beginning, before Eve was around, God gave Adam a principle. He said, Adam, you can go ahead and eat from any old tree you want, but don't do that one. That's the principle you are to live by.
00:23:01
Speaker
So Adam's like, cool, all right, easy enough, we can do that. God creates Eve, she shows up on the scene, and what we see is this serpent, Satan, coming to Eve and tempting her and saying, hey, Eve,
00:23:22
Speaker
Did you see this tree? Looks pretty good. Did God really tell you not to eat from it? I think you should. He's just trying to, he's trying to keep you from experiencing some good stuff. So you should probably eat it. And what's interesting is that in this moment, Adam is like you said, being pansy. He's just, he's he's standing there, observing.
00:23:49
Speaker
and saying nothing. He's not standing up to the snake. He's not standing up to Eve when she's even considering it. He is going along passively with what he's watching happen in front of him.
00:24:03
Speaker
And when she- Yeah, go ahead. That type of behavior is what um Justin Sterling, the founder of the Sterling Institute of Relationship and the creator of the Sterling Men's Week and the Sterling Women's Week can call selling out for pussy. you know That's a man who's selling out for pussy. He won't stand up for his principles because he doesn't want to lose the pussy.
00:24:26
Speaker
Exactly. Absolutely. And I got to think that, you know, instead of Adam being out there on his mission, God had said, go take dominion of the whole earth. He was hanging around here because he just wanted her. That's, you know, that's what it seems like. And so not only was he not out doing what he should have been doing, he was obsessively hovering around her. And then, yeah, like you said, he's compromising now so that he can get some. And yeah, that's it.
00:24:55
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And so that's what guys do. Right. And guys do this. Maybe not in, you know, history altering ways where now they change the course of all of humanity. But yeah, they have too many. Yeah. No, you're right. I mean, they do in their in their lineage for sure. They definitely do. And it can even play out in like little ways. Right. So let's say let's say a guy has things that he wants in his life.
00:25:22
Speaker
such as spending time. Let's say he wants to spend three days a week at the gym, you know, after work because he wants to work on his body, get himself strong. That's a good desire. Absolutely. He should do it. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not selfish. It's not, it's not like abandoning his family, but a guy who's in this place might think to himself, well, I don't know. If I go, if I spend time after work at the gym, what if my wife gets upset with the kids at home or what if she gets overwhelmed and stressed and
Sacrificing from Strength in Marriage
00:25:55
Speaker
burdened and then, then she wishes that I was there, but I wasn't and then she's not in the mood for sex. Maybe I should just go home and be there so I can try to create the atmosphere for sex to happen. And so he compromises on something that he shouldn't compromise on.
00:26:10
Speaker
which is this desire to fix his body. He should do that. Now, if a man is already operating in strength, he already knows who he is, he's not living in this way, then of course you can sacrifice for her. Of course you can you can take a hit because I wanna serve her, but but that service and that sacrifice means nothing if you're already generally in a passive energy, in a lacking confidence energy,
00:26:38
Speaker
in that compromise way of life all the time. So sacrifice is good, compromise is not. And we got to learn the difference. You know, sacrifice versus compromise. Hey, that's a that's a good title. Yeah. The book seems like it's full of good advice, good takeaways, good actionable tips and strategies that men can implement right away.
00:27:06
Speaker
to make their life better, to make their marriage better, and frankly, to ah increase and enhance their self-worth, their self-concept, their self-confidence. Far too many men today have been pussified by the ah feminization of society as a whole and men ah in general. Far too many men are are too readily willing to give it all up to sell out for pussy. Yeah. And they don't understand how horrible this is for their own self confidence, for their own self sense of self worth. And also, frankly, for a woman being attracted to them, because a woman does not like a weak, wimpy man. Women give men shit tests all the time, all the time. Every day you're getting a shit test.
00:28:03
Speaker
Yep. Sometimes you're getting multiple shit tests at the same time. Your job is to pass those shit tests. If you're not passing those shit tests, she's losing attraction for you. Absolutely. And I've made that mistake. I behaved in a way that has had my woman lose attraction for me. And, um,
00:28:25
Speaker
I've also behaved in ways that has had her regain her attraction for me. And I appreciate a man like you coming on my show, teaching me what you've learned about how I need to show up that'll make it, well, more readily obvious how I can win her attraction back. yeah And I wanna thank you for that.
00:28:55
Speaker
Yeah, you're welcome. Absolutely. Absolutely. I just share this stuff from, um like I said, from my time in the trenches and it's, it, it takes work.
00:29:12
Speaker
And it's, uh, I haven't arrived. Like, like you said, passing those shit tests, like there are days when I'm on it. I'm like, yeah, I got this. No big deal. And there are other days where I'm like, Oh dang, I let my guard down, not necessarily my guard protecting myself from her, but my guard be a vigilance watching for, for, am I in my masculinity or not? Right? So there are days where it's like, Oh man, I, I got to up level tomorrow.
00:29:39
Speaker
Yeah, I screwed the pooch today. Yeah. but Yeah. Yeah. But we get back up and we just go at it again, right? That's the, that's the part of knowing your identity is you're like, okay, I screwed up. Oh, well, doesn't, it's not going to change how I feel about myself. I'm going to show up tomorrow on it.
00:29:56
Speaker
So the DNA of a man makes a great Christmas gift.
Podcast Conclusion and Book Recommendation
00:30:00
Speaker
If you are a man and you have other men, friends, family members in your life, and if you're one of the women who was listening to the show and you have a man in your life, DNA of a man would make a great gift for him. And um it's available wherever you happen to buy books. So Amazon, Barnes and Noble,
00:30:26
Speaker
What have you? The DNA of man. That's right. Matt Hallock, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your wisdom on sacrifice versus compromise for me and the man. Yeah, you're welcome, Nicky. Thanks for having me, Nicky. Appreciate you, man. Yeah, likewise. And that's a wrap.
00:30:46
Speaker
Thank you for listening to The Sovereign Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and become the man you've always wanted to be, we invite you to join the movement at sovereignman.ca.