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EP184: Steve Richmond - Why Gentle Parenting Sucks!
49 Plays1 day ago
“Gentle parenting is this new age thing where parents try to be friends with their children as opposed to being parents. And some of them have this mix of a little bit of trying to be the parent and the friend, which is a little bit confusing to children because they don’t know who’s who at different times.”
For decades, parenting has drifted toward a softer, more “gentle” approach, where discipline is frowned upon, and kids are treated more like emotional equals than growing humans who need guidance. While the intent may be noble, the reality is that structure, discipline, and even a little rough-and-tumble play are essential for developing strong, capable adults. The problem isn’t just that kids lack discipline; it’s that they lack clarity. When fathers fail to step into their role as leaders and instead play the role of “buddy,” they leave their children without the critical framework needed to navigate the real world. Parenting is about preparing, not pampering.
Steve Richmond pulls no punches when discussing the long-term consequences of today’s parenting trends. He challenges the modern obsession with self-esteem over self-worth and participation trophies over earned victories. He highlights the importance of setting clear boundaries, letting boys test their limits, and ensuring that fathers actually parent instead of playing support act to their children’s whims. He makes the case that without strong father figures enforcing discipline and structure, we’re raising a generation that will struggle with confidence, responsibility, and resilience.
Steve Richmond is a seasoned expert in fatherhood, personal development, and masculinity. With years of experience coaching men and helping families find balance, he believes in reclaiming the lost art of fatherhood. His work focuses on helping men step back into their roles as leaders in their households, instilling discipline, responsibility, and a healthy respect for life’s hard-earned lessons.
Books Mentioned:
1. “The Boy Crisis” by Dr. Warren Farrell
• https://www.amazon.com/Boy-Crisis-Boys-Struggling-About/dp/1942952716
2. “The Road Less Travelled” by M. Scott Peck
• https://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Timeless-Traditional/dp/0743243153
Learn more and connect:
You’re invited to come to a Sovereign Circle meeting to experience it for yourself. To learn more, go to https://www.sovereignman.ca/. While you’re there, check out the Battle Ready program and check out the store for Sovereign Man t-shirts, hats, and books.
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Transcript
Father's Role: Challenge vs. Friendship
00:00:00
Speaker
In the work we do, we talk about, you know, a father's job being to make life difficult for your son. So he's prepared for life. And if you're being his friend, you're not making his life difficult.
00:00:15
Speaker
You're a man living in the modern world in a time when men and manhood are not what they once were. You live life on your own terms. You're self-sufficient. You think for yourself and you march to the beat of your own drum.
00:00:30
Speaker
When life knocks you down, you get back up because in your gut, you know that's what men do. You're a badass and a warrior. And on the days when you forget, we are here to remind you you really are.
Critique of Gentle Parenting: Confusing Roles
00:00:46
Speaker
Welcome to Sovereign Man Podcast, where we aim to make men masculine again. I'm your man, Nicky Ballou, and I'm here with my man, Steve Richmond. Welcome, Richmond. Thanks for having me, my good man.
00:00:56
Speaker
Thanks for coming. So, Richmond, gentle parenting. First of all, what does it mean exactly, and what's the issue with it?
00:01:10
Speaker
How long have we got? Um... Gentle parenting is this this new age thing where ah parents try to be friends with their children as opposed to being parents.
00:01:24
Speaker
And some of them have this mix of a little bit of trying to be the parent and the friend, which is a little bit confusing to children because they don't know who's who at different times.
00:01:37
Speaker
Right. And then it all starts stems from, and this is not just my personal opinion, this desire we've had over the last 50 odd years to raise children with high self-esteem.
00:01:52
Speaker
And i just want to refer to how self-love and self-esteem are different. We look for love, yet underestimate the importance of self-love, but we can only receive as much love as we give to ourselves.
00:02:10
Speaker
Self-esteem and self-love are progressive. The latter is more than an abstraction. it It determines our happiness. And the one point that I just wanted to touch on, self-acceptance, unlike self-esteem, is steady and unconditional.
00:02:31
Speaker
You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. And everything that we're doing these days is all about you know the the trophies for the participation. the you know There's no winning and losing ah mentality.
00:02:50
Speaker
And this is where children develop their values and their worth.
Parenting and Youth Mental Health Issues
00:02:55
Speaker
and Sadly, you know, as they grow up, they get out in the world. And I don't think it's any coincidence if you look at all the drugs that are on the market for anxiety and depression and everything else.
00:03:11
Speaker
Because the one thing with self-esteem um that I think it was from or somebody pointed out is most people's self-esteem is actually other esteem.
00:03:24
Speaker
It's how other people think of you as opposed to your own value and your own worth. And that leans more towards self-love actually.
00:03:35
Speaker
And your your tendency to be more judgmental of yourself ah comes with high self-esteem as opposed to accepting that, you know, I'm not the best track runner, so why am I beating myself up?
00:03:52
Speaker
And it's funny, you know, as I say that, you look at all the self-help books, and i know, i think we talked about this in E-Circle, and we've talked about it in other circles. Everyone these days seems to want to focus on what they don't do well, as opposed to enhancing what they do well.
00:04:14
Speaker
And if we look at the top people in the world, what they've done is focus on what they do well and have other people do do the jobs that they don't do well.
00:04:28
Speaker
So it's, it's a combination of all that, but this whole, it stems from you you have a job as a mother and as a father. And if you don't do that job and try to become friends with your children, there, there's no boundary set.
The Role of Roughhousing in Teaching Boundaries
00:04:45
Speaker
There's no limit set. There's no learning really what's basically right and wrong.
00:04:55
Speaker
And I know like, uh, Dr. Warren Farrell talks in his book, The the Boy Crisis, about how you know the roughhousing that a dad does with his kids is where the boundaries are set.
00:05:07
Speaker
you hit your You hit your sister again, we're done for the night. the That roughhousing is actually kind of poo-pooed these days as well.
00:05:19
Speaker
And so that whole... Yeah, especially for boys. And, you know, this whole market of ADD and ADHD, I mean, I guarantee that I would be diagnosed with it because I'm a boy and I didn't focus, you know, like girls did in school.
00:05:40
Speaker
So it's it's this whole cocktail of the anxieties, the depressions and anxiety. really focusing on those.
00:05:52
Speaker
and And I'm not ever going to say that there isn't mental illnesses that need to be taken care of, but I think we're actually growing children into those mental illnesses.
00:06:06
Speaker
And without the boundaries and without
00:06:13
Speaker
Dad's doing their job as opposed to trying to be their buddy. ah Children are confused. And that's where the anxiety and the depression and sadly, the horrific suicide rate is coming from.
00:06:26
Speaker
So gentle parenting is actually harming our children. Now, that said, I don't want to go back to the way my father and grandfather were raised, where a cuff across the head was, you know, common practice if you stepped out of line.
00:06:43
Speaker
So, you know, the pendulum was over here and it's gone way too far the other way now. You know, my dad only ever hit me one time, um but it was a doozy.
00:06:57
Speaker
I was practicing karate with my brother and I gave him a round count the house kick to the solar plexus. And dad saw me do it.
00:07:09
Speaker
And he walked over to me and slapped me hard across the face. And I got to tell you, I was so shocked, but I knew I deserved it because I ah deliberately kicked my brother in the solar plexus. I thought it would be really fun to do that.
00:07:28
Speaker
and dad was there to let me know it was not acceptable to do that. Yep. Yep. Well, I had some, I was 16 or 17. Now my brother's ah nine and a half years younger. So we never got into that kind of rough housing.
00:07:48
Speaker
Uh, but, uh, I, I had met a girl through some group that we were in uh, was talking to her on the phone and from Bolton one night, and she was at home with her brother, who was the same age as my brother, and they'd met and played together.
00:08:07
Speaker
And so I decided, my parents were out, that I'll just take the car and I'll drive to the city and spend the night with her, with my sick brother, with her sick brother.
00:08:19
Speaker
Well, that was a really smart 16-year-old idea. And when I got home, And if you you people are old enough to remember, this was a 65 Rideau 500. So this thing was as long as a football field almost.
00:08:38
Speaker
And I got to the back of it. my My mother grabbed my brother, took him in the house. And my dad literally, and this man was was fairly big and had actually had the opportunity to play for the Argos.
00:08:55
Speaker
in younger days, he picked me up at one end, at the back end of the car, and I was two feet in front of the garage door with the car, and he threw me into the garage door.
00:09:06
Speaker
That's the only time he really laid a hand on me, but I got the message that I think I pushed the envelope a little bit too far. And he called me a few things too, and that left a mark for a few years, but I realized I had kind of been a little too self-indulgent. but and it's I just want to read this little quote.
00:09:31
Speaker
Self-love and self-esteem differ. Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action.
00:09:44
Speaker
Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy and neither selfish nor self-indulgent. indulgent, nor egotism or narcissism.
00:09:56
Speaker
And how many articles these days do you read about people being narcissistic? And that comes with high self-esteem. And I still remember Scott Peck's book from years back, mid 80s, I think I read it.
00:10:10
Speaker
And his comment was, the prisons are filled with people with high self-esteem because they don't think the rules belong to them.
Reaffirming a Father's Role in Discipline
00:10:20
Speaker
So, yeah.
00:10:22
Speaker
And, you know, in the work we do, we talk about, you know, a father's job ah being to make life difficult for your son. So he's prepared for life. And if you're being his friend, you're not making his life difficult.
00:10:36
Speaker
No. no Yeah, that's the truth. Well, and the flip side of it is, too, that there's there's such a focus on kids in today's relationships that that And I deal with it with my clients all the time. I've got three or four right now I'm dealing with.
00:10:54
Speaker
That the kids are grown, they're out of the house, and the marriage is falling apart. Because they have focused all their attention on their children. And in doing so, they're not showing their children a healthy relationship.
00:11:11
Speaker
And their relationship is falling apart the whole time. And now the kids are gone and they're lost. They don't know what the hell to do with each other. Whereas if the focus is on the relationship, it's much healthier for the children to see what that looks like.
00:11:29
Speaker
Well, too many parents are too easy on their kids.
00:11:34
Speaker
You know, my oldest, I've been pretty tough on him. I'm the younger one. I've been tough on him, but i need to get tougher on him. A couple weeks ago, he um he started yelling at me because I wasn't taking him to soccer at the time that he thought I should. And I grounded him. I hammered him.
00:12:01
Speaker
It was good. He learned a lesson, I think, but now he's back to a little bit of the same old behavior, not yelling at me, but I think I need to push him out of his comfort zone a bit, and I'm going to do it.
00:12:14
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:12:18
Speaker
Well, and that's kind of his job too, right, is yes to start competing and, you know, becoming a man on his own. and Yeah. Yeah, he's got to figure that for himself.
00:12:31
Speaker
He's got to figure that out for himself. Yeah. um
00:12:37
Speaker
it's It's a hell of a thing. It's a hell of a thing. Yeah, and i and I think, too, you know, in and you see it everywhere now. And, yes, i I get it, the cost of living and everything else. But children are at home into their, you know, late 20s, early 30s, sometimes more so.
00:12:59
Speaker
And I don't know any official stats on that, but I'll pretty much guarantee that those children, unless they're you know saving for a down payment or something and contributing around the house, most of the time those children were friends with their parents growing up. So they don't have the drive and determination that good fathering would have given them.
00:13:24
Speaker
Yeah. Well, it's a cultural thing too. I mean, in in our culture, you don't leave the house until get married. Right. Well, there is that too. I mean, I lot people are getting married later and later. And, you know, my oldest son works. He's 19 now. He works and, you know, he contributes to the family budget, which is good.
00:13:49
Speaker
um I'm going to make sure my youngest son does the same. It's important... to put money aside. And I told my oldest boy, part of him working is he's got to invest half his money in stocks and whatnot. So, you know, hopefully he's doing that. He says he's doing it.
00:14:10
Speaker
He's not really spending money on crap, you know. He's putting cash aside. He wants to buy a used car now. He has a used car, but he is says you know he wants a better one. The engine on this car is not great.
00:14:28
Speaker
I don't have a problem with him doing whatever because he's got his own money.
00:14:34
Speaker
My younger boy, I still need to father him a bit. My older boy basically is telling me to buzz off and let him live his life. That's what he's telling me.
00:14:44
Speaker
Yeah. What's that tell you? I did my job. and need to buy. Exactly. You did a good job. that My son, i'm I'm ecstatically proud of my son.
00:14:56
Speaker
is ah just He's worked his tail off for years in the construction industry. He's a construction superintendent now. And Right from the get-go, the first foreman, I think I went by the site ah and he was showing me around.
00:15:14
Speaker
i remember him saying to me that he loved the job so much he he'd probably show up even if they didn't pay him. And his boss came over. I don't know whether he's aware of this.
00:15:25
Speaker
His boss came over as I was leaving and he goes, that kid's got a great work ethic. I wish the hell everybody his age worked like he did. And it's paid off, you know. And, you know, ah we didn't we didn't beat him. You know, his mother pushed him too. I'm i'm not taking all the credit here.
00:15:42
Speaker
ah You know, so that's that's the benefit of, you know, it makes them more successful in life. gentleal parent team Gentle parenting fucks kids up.
00:15:57
Speaker
Tough love. It does. Preps them for life. Bottom line. Yep. I remember a man on our team a few years ago on my men's team. His biggest piss off was growing up, his parents told him he could do anything that he decided he wanted to do.
00:16:19
Speaker
And of course he stepped out in and he, this this dude knows how to make money hand over fist. I'd never seen anybody like him, but he was just pissed right off because no, I can't do anything.
00:16:32
Speaker
but that was the mentality that they raised them with. And they were from, you know, ah Asia. And when they got over here, they they changed their whole parenting style to try and fit in with the culture. And it didn't work.
00:16:49
Speaker
He just got more and more pissed off.
Gen Z Men: Redefining Masculinity
00:16:54
Speaker
Yeah. Too many men today don't know how to be fathers. don't know how to be strong, don't know how to be tough. They're too weak. They're too gentle on their kids. Yeah. Well, and that's a problem.
00:17:08
Speaker
It's massive global, certainly Canada-wide, USA-wide, Western civilization-wide problem. It's a way bigger North American problem, I think, than Europe. I haven't i haven't researched that, but...
00:17:24
Speaker
All you gotta do is, you know again, back to Warren Farrell and the boy crisis, look at the amount of single moms raising kids. And ah came across a thing from Teal Swan a couple of weeks back that you know the the illusion of single motherhood, as she calls it, it is so false because The mother's happiness in a relationship determines how good a mother she will be. So if she's a single mother, that's missing.
00:18:01
Speaker
I may not be quoting that exactly. Feel free to Google that. But it's, if you're not, you know, and I have a few men in my life that, you know, their dads died when they were young and it affects how you are raised.
00:18:17
Speaker
yeah And this whole bit of, you know, we're not getting along, let's end the marriage, doesn't really work. It's bullshit. It's total bullshit.
00:18:28
Speaker
It's the lie of the feminazi movement. And honestly, it's something that was created by... ah international communism to weaken the West from within because they wanted to weaken the family unit and they wanted to weaken men because if they got men out of the way, they can fucking do whatever they want. They can take over any country they want.
00:18:46
Speaker
And it's by and large been a successful strategy because families have definitely been weakened and men are weaker. The one ray of light is that younger men, the Gen Z men,
00:19:03
Speaker
Because they've been hammered by society and told that being a man is bad and wrong, they have completely rejected that feminist, feminazi ethos. And they are finding a way to be men, even though they're not being raised by men to be men. They're kind of figuring it out.
00:19:21
Speaker
yeah And it's yeah it's very heartening to see because Gen Z men are more masculine than millennial men. Millennial men are basically soft, feminized pussies.
00:19:34
Speaker
And the Gen Z men are, by and large, not. Yeah, and I'm not a huge social media follower, but I'm also noticing a lot of the younger women are pushing back against the whole...
00:19:52
Speaker
myth that you do need a man in your life. You, you know, we, we do as women need to lean on a man and have him be the rock and listen to our emotions so that we're not going batshit crazy all the time.
00:20:07
Speaker
And, you know, I've been around enough women in enough groups that it's, it's that unspoken thing. They all know they're a little crazy, but yeah,
00:20:21
Speaker
For years, they sort of thought, well, you just have to accept that and deal with it. And that's the way it is. And if I don't feel like being married anymore, so be it. Whereas these younger women seem to be like, no, i I need a man to lead. It's okay for him to open the doors. It's not a bad thing. It makes me feel better. You know, it makes me feel taken care of, which is love to a woman.
00:20:43
Speaker
And I'm hoping that the pendulum is swinging back towards the middle again. Well, with the younger generation, the Gen Zs it is, the men are more masculine, the women are more feminine, and there are plenty of women on social media that are pushing back against this idea that men are bad and a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life.
00:21:06
Speaker
and Who the hell came up with that? So I had a guest on the podcast ah couple of weeks back. His name's Adam Allred, and he said, you know,
00:21:18
Speaker
there's only two biological imperatives that we as humans have.
Human Biological Imperatives: Survival and Procreation
00:21:23
Speaker
One is to survive and the other is to procreate. yeah Survive and procreate, which basically means work and fuck.
00:21:31
Speaker
right okay Right. ah but you know That's why we're here. Right. And ah I think there's people that are self-educating themselves and,
00:21:46
Speaker
they're not listening to what's being taught him in the school. I mean, my younger son likes what he learns at school in terms of, um, you know, math and sciences, but he thinks a lot of his teachers are fucking crazy because they start spouting political shit.
00:22:03
Speaker
Yeah. And like there was, there were kids that said to me, you know, they're in Ontario schools and they go, listen, listen, I wholeheartedly agree that what was done to these ah native kids, indigenous kids, whatever they want to call them, was wrong and bad.
00:22:19
Speaker
I wholeheartedly stipulate that it was wrong and bad. said, what I do not stipulate is that I had anything to do with it. So fuck off trying to make me feel guilty about it, right? I mean, that's what they said. And that's what they're doing in schools everywhere. They're saying, you're a boy, you're bad. You're a white boy, especially, which means you're super bad.
00:22:40
Speaker
And they're like, fuck you. You're just – a sexist, racist piece of shit. And I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. And that's a good thing that these boys, the innate, inherent masculinity in young men is coming out. They're pushing back against those that are attacking them.
00:22:59
Speaker
That's a good thing. Well, it is. It is. I mean, how far how far do you go back? It's like, okay, so, you know, the Mayans almost got wiped out by Columbus because they brought the plague and all the other fucking diseases. Like, so we should do something about that?
00:23:15
Speaker
Like, no where's the limit? Like, oh yes, nine and so but you know I was like six years old when they closed the last, ah what do you call it, residential schools and stuff like that.
00:23:27
Speaker
Although apparently there was some later than that. That's not on me. it's not. Was it wrong? Yes, I admit it was wrong. But I'm going to stand here and go, you know, I'm standing on these native lands and bless you and all this other thing. I ain't doing it. Listen, here's the other thing I say.
00:23:46
Speaker
And I tell young Ming to say, you know what? These people lost a battle against another culture that took him over. Get over it.
00:23:57
Speaker
It's been happening throughout human history. One tribe comes and defeats another tribe and takes over everything they had. I'm sorry if you don't like it.
00:24:09
Speaker
Tough shit, but it happens. It happens and has happened and has happened thousands of times. These people that you are wailing about saying, oh, my God, they were attacked and they're victims.
00:24:22
Speaker
They did it to someone else. They took over another tribe. They killed all their warriors and raped all their women. Yeah. What do you to So we're calling them names too? Of course we're not.
00:24:38
Speaker
And honestly, it's not about anything other than a particular group using that in order to to basically silence another group and and rule over them. That's all it is. it It isn't that these people are actually caring about the people that were victimized. They're not. They just want to silence you and rule over you.
00:24:55
Speaker
And young men see that, which is why they don't want to have anything to do with it. And mean if you look in the United States, the past election, was the first time a conservative, Donald Trump, won the young person vote in decades.
00:25:15
Speaker
Why? Because these guys thought, oh, yeah, we're going to have the young people vote for the Democrats, for the progressives forever. No, not if you hate them, not if you attack them. You can only go so far left and people start bailing.
00:25:28
Speaker
yeah People bailed.
Father's Responsibility in Discipline
00:25:30
Speaker
in the truth of the matter is we just need fathers to see that this gentle parenting bullshit is not helpful to them. It's not helpful to the children. It's bad for their wives.
00:25:44
Speaker
It's bad for society as a whole. Yeah. Well, and it isn't just this generation. I mean, you you go back – You know, this whole negotiating thing ah with your kids, it's like it started probably around as I was leaving school.
00:26:05
Speaker
I remember seeing some of these young parents and it was like, you know, the two year old having a tantrum in the in the aisle at the grocery store. Shit, either got my head smacked four times and my mother was not a violent person. You didn't do that shit in public.
00:26:21
Speaker
and yeah And yeah, it's funny, the whole that whole... Let's negotiate thing. I just finished watching the docu-series on Vietnam, and I wonder why that war went so badly. It's like the poor bastards that go take a hill, and then the peace negotiators that go, no, no, you got to give that one back.
00:26:45
Speaker
Wow. And two days later, they'd have to go take it again. and it's like, you don't think that fucks where the man's head and his morale? Holy shit. Sure it does. Sure does. The people that were in charge of that war didn't give a fuck about winning it.
00:27:00
Speaker
No. They didn't give a fuck about winning it. And they they didn't give a fuck about wasting people's lives. No. you know And that's that was terrible. it It took Richard Nixon to come in and say, I'm going to end the war.
00:27:15
Speaker
And he did end the war. And at the end, he ended it in a way that was going to work real well. But because of the whole Watergate thing, the yeah political opponents basically...
00:27:29
Speaker
um took away all the money they were going to give to the troops to enforce some of the provisions. So none of them got enforced. And the North Vietnamese came and they fucking killed a whole bunch of South Vietnamese people. There was a whole bunch of boat people.
00:27:44
Speaker
And then la yeah and Cambodia went communist. And you know about Cambodia and the killing fields, three and a half million people in a country of 5 million were murdered. Yeah. Oh man. You need strong men. Strong men keep shit like that from happening.
00:28:00
Speaker
Well, that's it. And it the reason I brought that up is it was almost, you know, and the whole protest movement after that, that's kind of when the sensitive new age guy came into being.
00:28:12
Speaker
Yeah. and you know, and these poor bastards came back from fighting for their country only to be vilified. Yeah. Like some of them had a choice. They were fucking drafted.
00:28:23
Speaker
And. That was, in my lifetime, that was the biggest shift I saw to this, you know, the lovey-dovey man, if you will, that, you know, you started to have men getting in touch with their feelings and all this stuff.
00:28:44
Speaker
And there's nothing wrong with men being in touch with their feelings, but it's where the hell are you letting those feelings out? And the minute you start sharing them with women on a deep level, youre you're screwing with stuff.
00:29:00
Speaker
And it's not going to go well. A woman don't want to give a shit your feelings. You can probably barely see me. The sun just came in my window.
00:29:08
Speaker
yeah The son's fine, but I'm saying to you that women don't really give a shit about your feelings anyways. No, they don't. They don't care less. They want you a... They want know you think about their feelings. That's all they really care about. They don't give a shit about your feelings.
00:29:25
Speaker
Nope. They want to know you have them, but they don't really want to know them. No, they don't. They don't. You know, whenever I meet with my woman, she's...
00:29:38
Speaker
When she asked me, how was your day? That's a greeting, not a request for information. Oh, yeah. Yeah. When you ask her about her day, that's a request for information. At least as far as she's concerned. Oh, yeah.
00:29:53
Speaker
We're just going to download now.
00:29:57
Speaker
Oh, man. yeah Well, and that's part of the whole parenting thing, too, is the men and women are not doing that exchange. Right. It's all about, oh, Johnny's got soccer. Johnny's got, and he's fucking play date here.
00:30:13
Speaker
Got this, got that. Got to be here. Got to be here. Kids don't have time to be kids anymore. so I've got three boys living next door to me, actually, the house I used to own. And honest to God, it is so refreshing.
00:30:27
Speaker
They're out playing hockey. theyre wrote They built a snow slide out of the back door and down the stairs. They're boys being boys. And it's so nice to see. The previous owner that I sold to, their four kids were never outside. Never.
00:30:43
Speaker
Never. And these these boys, you know, they fight. they Guaranteed within an hour, there's somebody crying or screaming or doing whatever. But that's that's boys being boys, and it's, you know, refreshing.
00:30:56
Speaker
Yeah, it's true. That's because their parents aren't engaging in gentle parenting. Yeah. Also known as child abuse. Well, in a roundabout way, yeah, it is. Because you're a you're not showing your children what a healthy parental relationship looks like.
00:31:18
Speaker
So how the fuck are they supposed to figure this out when they hit their teens? They're not. Exactly. And, you know, consequently, ah you know, there's...
00:31:30
Speaker
a hugely high divorce rate. There's all kinds of people deciding not to get married. So there's no commitment to any of that. ah Most people don't know what a long-term committed relationship really is. They think if they meet a girl, they date her for three weeks and they move in together, they're in a long-term committed relationship and they haven't got a clue what to do after that.
00:31:54
Speaker
Three weeks long-term committed. Wow, that's pretty fucking crazy. Exactly. Three weeks. Yeah. Shit, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, well, I had some of the men that you and I know, they've contacted me about, well, you know, it's short-term, but she's a really nice girl.
00:32:12
Speaker
Yeah, but you're not ready to be married. So do her the service of letting her find the man, Or six months from now, you know, get your butt qualified to be in that long-term relationship and see where she's at.
00:32:30
Speaker
But don't just keep her busy because you're too afraid to break up with her and hurt her feelings because actually going to hurt her feelings worse down the road because you're not going to show up like the man you need to be for her.
00:32:45
Speaker
Yeah, too many men are like that. Too many men like that.
00:32:52
Speaker
This is a rich conversation because it's not as simple and straightforward as be easy on your kids versus be tough on your kids.
Prepping Children for Life vs. Friendship
00:33:04
Speaker
It's more nuanced than that. It's more like your kid's not your friend. You're here to to raise them, to teach them, not to get them to like you.
00:33:18
Speaker
Your job with your kid is to make sure that your kid's ready for life, especially if your kid's a boy. And if your kid's a girl, your job with your kid is to get her ready to find the right man to marry and procreate with.
00:33:38
Speaker
That really is the long and the short of it. If you're too gentle with them, neither of those will happen. Neither of those. Well, and the other, the, the,
00:33:51
Speaker
one of the many parts of this whole web is this whole thing with, you know, little Johnny's in hockey. Well, that's great. Let little Johnny play hockey.
00:34:02
Speaker
But if you're getting little Johnny to play hockey because of your unmet hopes to make it in the NHL and you're dumping all your expectations on him, that is detrimental, you know.
00:34:18
Speaker
you You can't live, and I coached hockey for 12 years when i from when I was 14 until I was about 24, 26, I guess. And it was brutal to some of these parents that, you know, my kid's going to be the next NHL star.
00:34:36
Speaker
And it's like, me your kid's a good hockey player, but leave him alone. It's like, quit pushing him so hard. You know, you can push them and have, you know,
00:34:47
Speaker
And I would see kids come in and they were talented. ah You know, as i as i the more I coached, the older the age group I coached. And, know, I had one kid that his dad, I literally heard his dad say to him one day, don't listen to the coach.
00:35:06
Speaker
Listen to me. That boy was a very talented hockey player. He went on to be in the NHL. He also went on to be on about six different teams and finished his career somewhere in Europe because he never played for the team. He always played for him.
00:35:24
Speaker
He never learned how to be a team player. any he played And he played on a line with Gretzky when Gretzky was with L.A. Now, he was good, but he just never developed any kind of team ethos.
00:35:40
Speaker
And that was his dad pushing his bullshit onto him. His father's a moron. which What kind of idiot father would tell your kid, don't listen to the coach? Listen to the coach, don't listen to me, because i don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
00:35:53
Speaker
Yeah, well, his dad had been a mid-level NHL player, or in a mid-level professional player. Never made it to the He's not this kid's coach. He's just his father. Yeah, exactly.
00:36:08
Speaker
And the kid's 14 at the time. Like, give it a rest. but Yeah, straight up give it a rest. What a fucking loser. What fucking loser. Like, honestly, you fuck up your kid with statements like that.
00:36:22
Speaker
With advice like that. And yeah, it was, it was sad to watch him bouncing around, you know, from team to team to team. But that was, and that was evident when he was a teenager that, you know, if I get the chance, I'm going to score the goal. I'm not going to pass it. I'm not going to do this, whatever, because that's what he'd been taught to do.
00:36:43
Speaker
But the whole idea, like segue away a little bit, the whole idea of, you know, Great. You wanted to be an NHL player. Your kid's interested in playing hockey. Good.
00:36:54
Speaker
Let him play hockey. And if he's really good, great. But you, when you try to be his friend and coerce him into playing at a level that he doesn't want to play, then you're doing damage. You know, my son played hockey for a couple of years, didn't care for it. He loved playing football.
00:37:13
Speaker
And then one year he was like, yeah, I'm done. I'm like, okay, whatever. you know loved it while he played it, and then he was finished. My older son played soccer, and he was quite good. and you know I was hoping he was going to go far with it. I thought he could.
00:37:31
Speaker
His coach thought he could, but he didn't want to, so he stopped playing. Yeah. remember a conversation with you about that. Yeah, was not happy.
00:37:43
Speaker
I was not happy. At the end of the day, it's his life. He's got to make his own decisions to Yeah. You know, there's a point time where a man can't make decisions for his sons anymore.
00:37:54
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And nor should. Yeah, you just got to show them. So, like, I'm looking forward to this year's canoe trip with my kids. ah You know, we can't. We, unfortunately, just because of ages, could never, and then football and soccer and all that other shit got in the way, could never really get on a canoe trip until the girls were in their twenty s and but i love it like you know but i still remember my both my daughters had to teach their boyfriends how to set to start fires in when they were dating in high school because their boyfriends didn't know how to do it but you know they know how to cook around a fire they know what to do and and it's fun just spending the week with just you know
00:38:42
Speaker
Me, I get up in the morning stiff, sore, and spend half the day getting to
Helicopter vs. Gentle Parenting Failures
00:38:49
Speaker
move again. But, you know, just being out there with them is a blast. But if they didn't want to do it, I wasn't going to push it, right?
00:38:56
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, I totally get it, man. I totally get it. but So the conversation swung from gentle parenting to helicopter parenting to ah crazy. Well, helicopter parenting is part of it. They're not doing the fucking work.
00:39:16
Speaker
and hope They're not being the disciplinarians for their kids. They're trying to you know keep them happy. We're going to do a play date. We're going to do this. We're going to do that What is wrong with your kid spending some time on his own?
00:39:30
Speaker
you know or playing with a buddy. But this it's all got to be fucking organized. And I don't think it really helps children. you know a little bit of it, but you see them all the time. It's like, you know we got this practice, we've got this, then we got a play date, and then we got to do this. And you know I live my life in the car.
00:39:52
Speaker
Well, is that parenting or is that just keeping your kid occupied? yeah Well, I got a son in two sports. That's fucking enough. That's crazy. No, exactly.
00:40:03
Speaker
Exactly. i Oh, shit. ah There was five or six years there. I swear I lived in my vehicle. Between Brad playing football and football practices, the girls playing soccer, then the fall rolls around. They decide they both want to play basketball.
00:40:20
Speaker
You know, and these are not little house leak things. We're driving from fucking Aurora to Pickering and back and forth. Yeah, tomorrow I'm going to Vaughan. I'm going to Vaughan from, you know, East End. So it's going to be that going to be a drive, no question about it.
00:40:38
Speaker
No, exactly the point I was making is we started the conversation with talking about the problem with gentle parenting. And then we went to these helicopter parents. And we went to these crazy parents that um push their kids in ways that are unhealthy.
00:40:56
Speaker
The bottom line is it's all an abdication of ah responsibility as a father to yeah you discipline your kids, but let them make their own choices. At the end of the day, that's your job. You've got discipline your kids, but you've got to let them make their own choices.
00:41:12
Speaker
Right. and And men need to, know, and I ah can't tell you how many young younger men I've talked to, that their women are trying to tell them how to be fathers.
00:41:24
Speaker
And that is the biggest problem going. Like, I'm sorry, ladies. I love you. Your mothers are, You mother, I don't tell you how to give birth or do anything else.
00:41:37
Speaker
You let us be the fathers. And yeah, your kid's going to get a few scrapes and bruises in his life, but that's going to teach him. There's a, there's a ad running old ad running right now with Stacy Keach from years ago. I love Stacy Keach.
00:41:53
Speaker
Yeah, and it's he's sitting in the easy chair, and the little boy is headed over to put his finger in the light socket. Mom's like, no, no, Johnny, no, no. And Stacy Keach goes, no, no.
00:42:05
Speaker
Let him go. Let him go. this Bet you're not going to do that again, are you, son?
00:42:14
Speaker
yeah And but that's that's what boys We've got to... We got to fucking do that shit. I mean, when I was building playgrounds, the first thing all the little boys did, the minute we opened that thing up was to try and find a way to climb to the outside top of that structure.
00:42:33
Speaker
They didn't give a shit about the slides, nothing. Now they might do that for a few minutes. And then they try and figure out a way to get as high as possible on whatever the structure was. The girls would go up and down the slide.
00:42:47
Speaker
That's just the way boys are people. Yeah. Yeah. Sadly. And I think that's, that that's being taken away with gentle parenting too, is we're affecting younger as they grow. We're affecting men's ability to risk.
00:43:05
Speaker
Well, some risks are stupid. I mean, a couple weeks ago, friend of my son's climbed the light pole in Philadelphia and he fell down and he, and and he got killed doing that. Yeah. now And,
00:43:17
Speaker
you know, he was a nationally ranked gymnast. So theoretically he had the skillset to be able to do that. And as those poles are greased and he slipped and he fell and he killed him. Yep.
00:43:35
Speaker
Killed him. Yeah. That was not a smart thing to do. No, know unfortunately that's, you know, what, what boys have to learn though. It's, know, what do you,
00:43:47
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. But then the the flip side of it is we lost a man in l a this week, done a lot of work with the mentor, discover, inspire men, did a lot of work with the the Sterling Institute.
00:44:04
Speaker
Actually, i forget the name of he was doing something as well, but he was suffering from something, either anxiety or depression, whatever. Anyway, they had him on meds.
00:44:17
Speaker
And he was on his way to his team meeting and he threw himself off a bridge instead because he was getting, you know, suicidal thoughts. but he It wasn't like he was on his own. He was going, as far as his wife knew, he was on his way to his team meeting and forget the big bridge in l LA, but yeah, he threw himself off it.
00:44:38
Speaker
You know, we're medicating so many things that this is the the other side effect, you know.
Balancing Risks and Mental Health
00:44:47
Speaker
And the teen suicide rate, I'm pretty sure. Taking risks is important, but not stupid risks.
00:44:56
Speaker
And having men be with men and do shit to get rid of, blow off anxiety and stress is super important. Yeah. And um I think roughhousing is important even when you grow older. It's not just for little kids. Oh, yeah. Big time.
00:45:14
Speaker
Yeah. Big time. Good conversation, Richmond. Well, cool. All right. That's a wrap. I'm too old for roughhousing, by the way. It hurts too much the next day. For sure, man.
00:45:29
Speaker
Thank you for listening to the Sovereign Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and become the man you've always wanted to be, we invite you to join the movement at sovereignman.ca.