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EP185: Paul Bauer - How To get her To F*ck You Again
90 Plays10 days ago
“Men kind of get complacent. They think they’ve reached this, you know, sort of finish line. Like they don’t have to try anymore. And things just go into complacency and they stop being the type of attractive guys that inspire that reaction from their wives.”
A thriving relationship is built on more than just commitment—it requires polarity, confidence, and a refusal to slip into complacency. Too many men think the work ends at marriage, but that’s where leadership truly begins. Attraction fades when men stop leading, stop being assertive, and start playing it safe. The key is simple: become the kind of man your wife wants to chase. That means prioritizing self-improvement, standing firm in your boundaries, and bringing an energy that keeps the fire alive.
Paul Bauer has spent years helping men reclaim the respect, admiration, and desire they once had in their marriages. He emphasizes that a loss of intimacy isn’t a scheduling issue—it’s a reflection of lost attraction. When men step up as leaders in their relationships, everything changes. Women respond to confidence, direction, and a sense of adventure. The moment a man reclaims his role, the dynamic shifts from obligation to enthusiasm.
Paul Bauer is a men’s coach and author of Get Her to F** You Again: A Red Pill Guide to Fix a Dead Bedroom.* After experiencing his own struggles in marriage and relationships, Paul dedicated himself to understanding the psychology of attraction and leadership. His mission is to help men restore passion in their relationships and become the kind of men who naturally inspire desire. Find him at call.fixedeadbedrooms.com.
Learn more & connect:
- Paul Bauer’s Coaching Calendar: https://call.fixedeadbedrooms.com
- Paul’s latest book: The Essential Skills of a Masculine Presence | Psychology – Paradigm: Mastering Paradigms: Reprogram Your Mind for a Dominant Masculine Presence and Unleash Your Full Potential
- Paul previous book: Get Her to F** You Again: A Red Pill Guide to Fix a Dead Bedroom
You’re invited to come to a Sovereign Circle meeting to experience it for yourself. To learn more, go to https://www.sovereignman.ca/. While you’re there, check out the Battle Ready program and check out the store for Sovereign Man t-shirts, hats, and books.
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Transcript
Importance of Respect and Leadership in Relationships
00:00:00
Speaker
A woman can't love a man she doesn't respect. You start sort of de-evolving into the role of more of a provider type, more of a nurturer type. You become more passive. She starts leading the relationship more. And then she she just starts looking at you like, I don't know why, but I'm not attracted to this guy anymore.
00:00:18
Speaker
You're a man living in the modern world in a time when men and manhood are not what they once were. You live life on your own terms. You're self-sufficient. You think for yourself and you march to the beat of your own drum.
00:00:34
Speaker
When life knocks you down, you get back up because in your gut, you know that's what men do. You're a badass and a warrior. And on the days when you forget, we are here to remind you who you really are.
Introduction to Sovereign Man Podcast and Guest Paul Bauer
00:00:49
Speaker
Welcome to Sovereign Man Podcast, where we aim to make men masculine again. I'm your man, Nicky Ballou, and we got a great repeat guest here for you, Paul Bauer. Welcome, Paul. Nicky, thanks for having me back on the podcast, man. I appreciate it.
00:01:03
Speaker
Yeah, you bet, man. It's an honor to have you here.
Solutions for Relationship Issues from Paul's Book
00:01:05
Speaker
So, Paul, you just wrote a new book, which is pretty wild because the previous book you wrote just came out in September. So, um,
00:01:15
Speaker
I picked up a copy your book, I read it, and I've applied a few of the things that you suggest to apply in it to my relationship with very happy results.
00:01:27
Speaker
So let's talk about your book. Why did you decide this book needed to come out now? Well, it's because i I decided to start working with men in dead bedroom situations. And my previous books, you know, the first book I wrote was it was almost ah autobiographical. it was very broad.
00:01:53
Speaker
ah It does talk about relationship dynamics, but it's ah it talks about other areas too, you know like investing and all that kind of stuff. And i don't I just don't think it did the topic of fixing dead bedrooms justice.
00:02:05
Speaker
And then the second book ah was more of a favor for my friend R.P. Thor, who wrote a book called The Dominant Masculine Presence. And so the Psychology Paradigm book,
00:02:17
Speaker
That one was all about you know reprogramming your mind to have more of a dominant masculine presence, but it was more in line with his book, and it was kind of a favor him. But I needed one that really spoke to my core target audience, which was men who are in failing relationships. They're in dead bedroom situations.
Role of Testosterone and Libido in Attraction and Intimacy
00:02:38
Speaker
Their wives are rejecting them all the time. And they just need to turn things around before ah their wives you know either end things or or something worse happens. you know So I really wanted to get that book out and get it in the hands of a lot of men because I really want to help men in this area. There's a lot of guys that are struggling with this.
00:03:00
Speaker
You're not kidding, man. um The average um relationship um really is in trouble in many ways. So first of all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
00:03:16
Speaker
And of the ones that don't, it's estimated well over 80% of them lack ah exciting, regular intimacy, i.e.
00:03:28
Speaker
toe curling sex. And this is a problem for men, but less of a problem for women. So Paul, explain why that is. Well, if you think about it, men are, we have more testosterone. So, that you know, that testosterone is a big factor in our sex drive. You know, women have testosterone, but it's not, you know, the predominant, um you know, hormone that's running through their body. So, I mean, we're, we're thinking about it all the time.
00:03:58
Speaker
but Like, this is very important for men. And so women, they can sort of like, eh, they can, they can take it or leave it almost, you know, it seems like, but you'll find too, that a lot of women, um as they get older, ah their hormone, their, their, uh, uh,
00:04:16
Speaker
testosterone levels are declining too. So a lot of times women are sort of losing that libido as they age. They don't know why it's happening, but that's ah you know um ah medical reason for that.
00:04:29
Speaker
but But that often ends up just being an excuse, you know because what you'll find is that when your wife is genuinely desiring you, if for whatever reason she's not able to perform, like she's going to go see a doctor and make it happen because she wants to make sure that this is like she's fulfilling this need that you have.
00:04:51
Speaker
She wants to experience it too. like the you know She doesn't want to go without sex if she's totally invested in the relationship. But what tends to happen is just over time, um men kind of get complacent. They think they've reached this...
00:05:05
Speaker
you know sort of finish line, like they don't have to try anymore. And things just go into complacency. And they stop being the type of attractive guys that inspire that reaction from their wives.
00:05:17
Speaker
And so then their wives are like, yeah, I don't, I'm not really that into it. But I'm also not motivated to do anything about it either. And then things just sort of fade away. Yeah. You know, but what a magic thing happens, Nikki, when people get divorced and it almost doesn't matter what age.
00:05:35
Speaker
When they get divorced, amazingly, when they're they're back on the dating circuit, that libido just comes back. Like, you know, it's definitely has it it has nothing to do with.
00:05:47
Speaker
ah yeah A lot of the ah the reasons why people say they're they're not having sex in a relationship, it's often an excuse. And the the real underlying reason is there's a loss of attraction somewhere.
00:05:59
Speaker
So why do men get complacent? What's that all about? That's i mean, that's a really good question. You know, um i can't speak for all men, but I could definitely talk about my marriage when I was married.
00:06:13
Speaker
And i had ah I had to learn all this stuff. And i' I've said it on previous episodes of your podcast, but I got I got married when I was 19 years old. I eloped. And I was racing for that white picket fence.
00:06:28
Speaker
You know, I was that guy that was always, I'm going to find a wife. I'm going to have 2.5 kids, you know? And so every relationship I got into like high school,
00:06:40
Speaker
Until I met my wife, you know I had a bunch of girlfriends but that didn't – none of those panned out. But but i when I got married, I was like, I'm done.
00:06:51
Speaker
I don't have to do this anymore. I don't have to go out in the dating scene. I don't have to have fancy pickup lines anymore. like I've reached this finish line. and Now I can just sort of rest on my loyals because she's not my laurels because she's not going anywhere.
00:07:06
Speaker
you know and That was my mentality. And I think a lot of men have that mentality. they A lot of guys rush into relationships because they hate the dating process. And then once they get into relationships,
00:07:17
Speaker
they think, yeah, I don't have to do anything anymore until she starts pressuring him for marriage. Then it's like, okay, well now I have some kind of burden of performance to get her to marry me. And then, okay, now I got her locked down in marriage. Now I don't have to do anything anymore.
00:07:30
Speaker
I think they that's part of the reason. a lot of... not and a lot of ah what happened in my marriage too was just falling into routine. You know, you both start working, you both get, get busy, you have kids. Now your focus is on the kids and taking care of the kids.
00:07:46
Speaker
And then you stop focusing on each other. That tends to lead into a new routine where you're just not doing all the attractive stuff that you were doing before you had kids that, you know, led to the kids in the first place, if you know what I mean.
00:08:00
Speaker
Yeah. So that, There's just a lot of those lot of those types of things that cause us to yeah you know be complacent in the long run. And then I think you know as men, if we allow ourselves to get complacent, then our wives, they look start looking at us like, oh, well, he's not going anywhere.
00:08:19
Speaker
you know I don't have to worry about losing him.
Consequences of Complacency and Dead Bedrooms
00:08:21
Speaker
So then they get complacent. Yeah. Then they start dressing all frumpy and wearing the sweatpants and the messy buns and, you know all that kind of stuff that keeps them unattractive. And then nobody's happy because they're like, man, why won't my wife dress hot for me anymore? It's like, well, when was the last time you went to the gym?
00:08:38
Speaker
You know, so, you know, it's just it's a compound problem, I think. So it becomes a vicious circle, right? Man gets complacent. Wife sees that. She gets complacent.
00:08:50
Speaker
He sees that. And that reinforces his complacency, which reinforces her complacency, which causes attraction to die, certainly on her end.
00:09:01
Speaker
And on his end, he's not as excited as he once was. But, you know, he gets horny enough, he'll still bang if she'll have him, right? And that results in the dead bedroom.
00:09:12
Speaker
And the dead bedroom is where dreams and families go to die, right? ah Yeah, yeah, really. And you know what's you know what's funny about this, Nikki, is i spend a lot of time in dead bedroom forums and like on Reddit and on Facebook.
00:09:31
Speaker
There's a lot of women in those groups, to be honest. There's a lot of women in those groups that where they are not satisfied in their dead bedroom situation. But there their husbands aren't doing anything about it either. you know Their husbands aren't stepping up. Their husbands aren't trying to seduce them anymore.
00:09:50
Speaker
And it's it's this weird dynamic that I see where a lot of guys... they they want their wives to initiate more. So what they'll do is they'll stop initiating sex, hoping that their wife will initiate more.
00:10:05
Speaker
Well, women just don't naturally do that. that They're sort of passive by nature and they sort of expect men to initiate that sort of thing. And so when the guy stops initiating, women sort of just look at that like, oh, I i must be ugly. he's not and He's not initiating anymore. So then they shut down.
00:10:23
Speaker
you know And then they end up in dead bedroom groups going, why won't he initiate? And the guy's going, well, why won't she initiate? And then no one is having sex. It is a a weird situation that I see a lot.
00:10:36
Speaker
And one of the things I tell guys is like, hey, man. If you're in a dead bedroom situation, like when was the last time you initiated, you know? And a lot of times guys will say, well, you know, she's rejected me so many times that you just, you just stop asking it at some point.
00:10:51
Speaker
Like I can get, I get that, you know? Yeah. But, uh, you know, there's a lot of different situations, but if it's a situation where like, you're still keen to have sex with your wife, she's still keen to have sex with you.
00:11:02
Speaker
And you're just waiting around for her to ask you like, stop, just just initiate sex more if you want more sex, like you're gonna get more. you know It's kind of like law of averages in sales, you know like the the more you ask, the more sales you get.
00:11:15
Speaker
yeah four hours Yeah, the more at-bats, the more hits, right? Right, right, exactly. So what are the consequences of a dead bedroom? Because you and I have gone deep into that. Go into the consequences of a dead bedroom ah for a man and for a family.
Impact of Divorce and Custody Battles on Families
00:11:35
Speaker
ah Well, there's there's a ah few of them, right? like let's say Let's say you're still together. You're not really on the verge of divorce. I mean, a big consequence is just the emotional toll it takes, right? like Especially if you're the guy that is trying to initiate and your wife's just constantly rejecting you.
00:11:56
Speaker
the The consequence there is that you're you're just going to feel unwanted all the time. You're going to feel inadequate. Sometimes you're going to feel disrespected. You're going feel lonely a lot. You're going to feel a lot of frustration and resentment.
00:12:11
Speaker
So that's one consequence. um Another one is ah your wife can step out and cheat on you. You know, if you're not, if you're not the one that's being the attractive guy that she wants to have sex with, a lot of times women aren't going without, they are, they are looking at their orbiters and all women have orbiters, you know, whether they're exercising those options or not, there's always that guy at the office that, that wants to take her out to lunch and,
00:12:39
Speaker
You know, there's always guys hitting her up in her DMs on Facebook and Instagram. So there's always a guy waiting in the wings for her to go, you know, my husband's not really doing it for me anymore.
00:12:50
Speaker
ah Maybe i'll I'll start hanging out with this Brad guy. And then that's how that's how affairs start. You know, that they don't always a guy start in the chad that they have the affair with. Right. Some some.
00:13:02
Speaker
Right. Always. all Those guys are always, always those guys. Yeah. But what's an orbiter? Explain an orbiter. What does that mean? That's like ah that's take some jargon that maybe everyone doesn't understand.
00:13:14
Speaker
Yeah, an orbiter is just a guy that's always hanging around a particular girl, you know, a guy that he knows that she's in a relationship. He's hoping for the opportunity get in there, get laid with her. hes yeah He's just a friend, right? He's just a friend.
00:13:31
Speaker
Well, you'll find that there's really no such thing as just a friend with guys. Never. They always want to lay you. Right. but Like every girl's guy friend is just waiting for her current boyfriend or husband to screw up so that he has an opportunity.
00:13:47
Speaker
And a lot of times women are more than more than happy to give those guys those those opportunities when their man does screw up, you know? so um not Not all women, obviously, but there are quite a few of them.
00:14:01
Speaker
So that's one consequence, right, is her stepping out and cheating on you. And then the other one is this one I so i see a lot in the in the men's ah red pill space is Guys think that, yeah, my wife's not having sex with me that much or when she does, it's yeah, you know, it's like maybe once a month, but at least I'm getting something.
00:14:23
Speaker
I've had a guy, had a guy in my Instagram DM say that, well, we have scheduled sex. And I'm like, why are you settling for that? He's like, well, it's better than nothing. And like, he was so happy. said, like, he was, yeah, that's terrible. Right.
00:14:36
Speaker
Well, there's guys that are like, they're happy with that. They're happy with the bare minimum. And, but their wife isn't happy. So what tends to happen is the wife will put up with that for a while until she gets a bunch of other women that have been through divorce in her ears, telling her how, you know, she needs to know her worth or whatever. And she'll go out and file for divorce.
00:14:55
Speaker
And then these guys are ah like blindsided by it. Like I never saw it coming. It's like, well, There were signs there. Like, for instance, your wife not banging you ah every week like she used to, right? Like not banging you every night enthusiastically like she used to in the beginning.
00:15:10
Speaker
Those are all signs. Those are all signs that attraction's fading. you know And a lot of guys just aren't looking at the signs and then and then they wait until something bad happens.
00:15:21
Speaker
like either she threatens divorce. She, they, you know, she says, Hey, I'm going to go live with my mom's at my mom's house for a while. Or, or she actually does file for divorce and serves you papers. A lot of guys yeah i have no clue until they get slapped in the face like that.
00:15:37
Speaker
Files for divorce. That's a real consequence as well. So what's the consequence to kids of divorce? Oh man. Well, it it really depends on the situation. i could tell you this. I have a,
00:15:51
Speaker
I have ah a guy, a friend of mine in in my beer club, and he he went through divorce, and he went he went through probably one of the most horrendous custody battles I've ever seen in my life. And I i don't even understand the reasoning behind this, but – He had, if I remember correctly, he he had three kids.
00:16:11
Speaker
And in the middle of the custody battles, like one of his kids actually passed away. Some kind of, oh some kind of ah i think he i think they I think he had ah some kind of illness or whatever, and he ended up passing away. And so then there was the remaining kids. And for whatever reason,
00:16:28
Speaker
his wife was fighting for custody of just the daughter, but not the son. And the courts ended up splitting up the two kids and having this son go live with him. And then the daughter go live with the wife.
00:16:42
Speaker
And, he's trying to fight for visitation rights with his daughter now. And it's just, every time you get into a situation like that and you're, let's say your, your spouse is, uh, ends up being spiteful and vindictive, which ah a lot of guys don't realize how spiteful and vindictive their wives can be until they're in court with her.
00:17:04
Speaker
Um, When you have a spiteful and vindictive wife like that, I mean, she will drag you to hell and back. Every time you go to court and you have to call your attorney, that costs a lot of money.
00:17:15
Speaker
i mean, you're looking at tens of thousands of dollars, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in court fees and custody battles if it gets really bad. So um that's that's one consequence of that. The other one, I mean, if you think about like what's happening with the kids in that situation, they have no stability anymore.
00:17:34
Speaker
they A lot of kids end up having behavioral issues in schools because of it. I have ah some guys in my beer club who's, they're completely estranged from their daughters because their mothers have basically poisoned their daughters into thinking that the divorce is their dad's fault. And so their kids now resent their father for it and they refuse to see their fathers.
11 Major Consequences of Dead Bedrooms
00:17:58
Speaker
So these guys are like, i I haven't seen my daughter in like three years and stuff like that. A lot of guys don't even realize like that's a possibility. of letting your relationship go so far that it ends in divorce because it's not just you. It's not just your alimony payments. It's not just your child support payments. Like your kids have ah specific things that they're dealing with too. A lot of it's mental. You're going have to get your kids into – counseling a lot of times.
00:18:28
Speaker
um Kids learn relationships from their parents. So they're going to see this dynamic between you and your wife, and they're going to carry that into their relationships going forward. And they're going to have failed marriages too.
00:18:40
Speaker
So it's like at some point, you've got to fix the family tree and learn the skills to maintain your marriage and set the tone and lead. But a lot of guys, man, of guys never learn this stuff, Nicky. will get a divorce. that they They never realize like, hey, there's there's things that I can do better. And they just rush into their next marriage. And like we we mentioned, first time marriages have a 50% divorce rate. Well, second and third time marriages have something like a 60 or 70% divorce rate. It's even higher. It's way higher. Because people people never fix, they never fix the root cause.
00:19:17
Speaker
No, they don't. They don't. I'll tell you something, man. I wrote down the consequences of a dead bedroom. So number one was ah feel unwanted, disrespected, frustrated, resentful, overall unhappy.
00:19:32
Speaker
Number two is a wife steps out and cheats on you with the orbiter, right? Number three is she files for a divorce. Number four is your kids get upset, hurt emotionally.
00:19:44
Speaker
Five is a spiteful custody battle, which sucks. Six is tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars in court fees and other costs. Seven, kids get behavioral issues. Eight, kids become estranged from you, their father.
00:19:58
Speaker
Nine, you gotta pay alimony and child support. 10, your self-esteem takes a hit. And 11, you're leaving a legacy of shitty relationships for your kids because they learn this from you and
Reclaiming Masculinity and Restoring Relationships
00:20:12
Speaker
your wife.
00:20:12
Speaker
These are 11, not minor, but major consequences of a dead bedroom left unfixed. So if a man's listening to this, at the very least, he should buy your book. So tell him about your book. If you got a copy, hold it up, talk about it a bit.
00:20:29
Speaker
Let's get into it. Yeah. So here's my book. It's called it's called Get Her to. Can I cuss on your podcast, Nikki? Yeah. OK, good. It's called Get Her to Fuck You Again, a red pill guide to fix a dead bedroom. I love it.
00:20:42
Speaker
And it's got it's got an edgy title. But if your wife read this, she would be OK with it. It actually isn't isn't that bad. That's great. Really? Really, what what guys don't realize is happening is this thing called the betatization process where yeah when they start a relationship, women start immediately testing you. They test your frame.
00:21:08
Speaker
ah They test your ability to you know your your ability to handle pressure. Right. Women will say little barbs at you to see if they'll if that'll piss you off or not.
00:21:20
Speaker
but like They do all these types of things. They'll they'll try to change the plans on you. Right. When I first met when I first met my my girl, I call her nurse chick. When I first met her, ah i said, hey, meet me at Starbucks on Sunday at at noon or whatever. I can't remember what time it was.
00:21:38
Speaker
And she she goes, okay, yeah, sounds good. Then the next day she goes, you know, I was thinking, instead of meeting at the Starbucks, why don't we meet at the park across the street? I'll pick up the Starbucks and I'll bring it to you.
00:21:49
Speaker
Well, I and i knew um from studying all this stuff and and and being on lots of dates and stuff like that, that women try to change the plans last minute to see – If you'll go along with their plans, right? If you'll fall into their frame. And so it's really actually good for guys to go, no, no, we're going to go with my plans. We'll do your thing next time.
00:22:12
Speaker
Because that is setting the tone and showing her that you have boundaries and you're assertive and you're confident. And women love that. They love being told no. so So I told her that. I said, ah no, no, we're going to stick with the original plans. I'll see you at Starbucks tomorrow.
00:22:29
Speaker
And she goes, okay. right. Yeah, sounds good she told me She told me like a year later, she goes, you know, when you told me that, she goes, I don't know why, but that really turned me on. but Turn me on that you wouldn't let me change the plans.
00:22:42
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, i know. I know because I study this stuff. I mean, I didn't say that out loud in my head. I was like, yeah, I know. But that's how things start. When you get into a relationship with a woman, she'll do little things like that. Like, and you might think, what's the harm? What's the harm of changing the plans? Well, it compounds over time. The more a woman's able to ah knock you off center, get you in your feelings, piss you off. ah The more she's able to manipulate you to do what she wants to do instead of what you want to do, all that kind of stuff makes her...
00:23:14
Speaker
lose respect for you over time. Right. And ah a woman can't love a man. She doesn't respect. So then, you know, I'm not, I don't really want to get into all the phases of, of the baitization process, but typically what happens then is she's, you start sort of de-evolving into the role of more of you know, provider type, more of a nurturer type, you become more passive. She starts leading the relationship more, right?
00:23:38
Speaker
And then she she just starts looking at you like, I don't know why, but I'm not attracted to this guy anymore. And she will start looking for her other options and and either cheat on you or leave, right? So when guys understand what's happening, they can take things back to the beginning of the relationship, start learning how to handle those those ah tests, start learning how to um lead more effectively so that you know she's ah she's not the one happening to make all the decisions.
00:24:07
Speaker
And doing all that kind of stuff, you're basically reclaiming your your masculine masculine role and the the leadership and restoring polarity. And that's really what the whole book is guiding a guy through, the whole process of turning things around, starting to take the lead, starting to learn how to communicate effectively with your wife from a position of of leadership and authority, stop taking what she says so seriously, you know, all that kind of stuff.
00:24:34
Speaker
And all that... Tends to allow your wife to relax more into her feminine and then trust your leadership more. And then that restores the polarity and that restores the attraction. So it's a long process. The book will take you all through it, though. If you if you read that book 10 to 15 times and apply what's in in it and you can't just read the book and not do it.
00:24:55
Speaker
You have to apply the information. ah this book will absolutely change the dynamic of your marriage for the better. um But what I find, Nikki, is that a lot of guys will read books like this.
00:25:07
Speaker
ah there's ah And there's lots of books in this space that I highly recommend. ah But they'll read a book like this And then they'll put it down. They won't do anything with it. you know And then they're like, well, I read the book, but nothing's changing in my marriage. It's like, well, you have to take action. You have to do you have to test out some of the stuff I'm talking about.
00:25:25
Speaker
And if you have a hard time with that, that's where a good coach comes in. And that's where I would recommend people get a hold of me. ah So I can not only have you read the book, but I can actually take you step by step through this stuff. And then as you run into, you know, nuances in your own specific relationship, like you can reach out to me so that I can help you navigate those waters a little bit better. in Amen, man. Amen.
00:25:51
Speaker
You know, one of the key things that men don't understand is your wife unless you are actively pursuing her, unless you are actively working on yourself to stay that fucking hot, attractive man, is going to lose desire for you.
00:26:15
Speaker
And dead bedrooms, there's a whole bunch of signs of them. And I'd love for you to just walk the men that are listening to this through what are the signs of a dead bedroom, besides the obvious, not a lot of sex,
00:26:30
Speaker
What else? was going say, yeah, I mean, that's the it's pretty obvious when you're in a dead bedroom situation because you're you're not getting you're not getting any sex anymore. A lot of guys don't realize that they're basically in a dead bedroom situation when they're still having sex, ah but it's only like once a week.
00:26:46
Speaker
It's scheduled. it's And it's very lackluster. Like your wife just lays there like a starfish. you know She's not into it anymore. um
Paul's Coaching and Personal Mission
00:26:56
Speaker
Your wife doesn't show you any affection anymore.
00:26:59
Speaker
um Besides the sex, ah your wife is constantly nagging you and and and complaining about everything you do. One of the things that happened to me in my marriage was, and this might be one of your guys out there. I used to work like 17 hour days sometimes, Nikki, because my wife was such a nagging bitch that I hated coming home. So I would much rather stay at work, stay at the office, work on server deployments and patches and all that kind of stuff.
00:27:31
Speaker
just to avoid going home because I knew as soon as I walked in that door, it's going to get an earful, right? That kind of stuff is a sign that if you're not in a dead bedroom situation, you're going to be, you're going to be soon because a nagging, ah unhappy wife like that is, is just a sign of your complacency.
00:27:52
Speaker
You know, it's not that we have to, we have to be dancing monkeys to try to make our wives happy all the time, but there are things that we have to do In order for women to want to be in a relationship with you. Right. So we have this we have the saying in the in the red pill space of of ah ah relationships are the woman's job.
00:28:14
Speaker
Right. It's the what it's it's not your it's not your relationship to fix. It's hers. The idea there is it comes from Breifold's Law, which I think we've talked about a previous podcast. Breifold's Law eight basically says that it's ah in the animal kingdom.
00:28:31
Speaker
It's the female, not the male that determines all conditions of a relationship. If she doesn't find value from the man, there's there no relationships going to take place. Right. That's paraphrased.
00:28:42
Speaker
So if that's the case, then it is her job to maintain that relationship. And if she wants to maintain that relationship, women know exactly what they they can do to maintain that relationship, right? It's pretty easy. Belly full, balls empty, right? like Yeah, belly full, balls empty. Pretty simple.
00:28:57
Speaker
Right. Pretty simple. But in order for her to want to maintain that relationship, you have to be the kind of man that's worth ah keeping around, you know? And so that's where the concept of ah the red pill concept of be attractive, don't be unattractive comes in. You have to be A physically attractive guy and your demeanor and how you carry yourself has to be attractive as well. And that's where ah leadership qualities come in That's where confidence comes in.
00:29:26
Speaker
That's where assertive communication comes in. That's where boundaries come in. All that kind stuff is attractive behavior that women like and that makes them want to fight for that relationship.
00:29:39
Speaker
Yeah. and here's the truth. Reading this book is really important. But if you're if your relationship isn't getting better because you're not applying the shit that you read about you learned, you got to get on Paul's calendar.
00:29:55
Speaker
You just got to get on his calendar because the consequences of a dead bedroom are enormous. I mean, we outlined 11 them. The financial consequences alone are in the tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars. The ah ROI of hiring Paul as your coach is a minimum 20-fold, an absolute fucking minimum. You're gonna save 20 times what you invest in working with them.
00:30:24
Speaker
And on top of that, you're gonna save your kids from basically emotional hell. You're going to save yourself from emotional hell. And you're going to create a relationship legacy for your kids where their relationships in the future are actually going to succeed, not fail, not fail, but succeed.
00:30:49
Speaker
So make sure you fucking give Paul a call, you know, get on his calendar. Paul, what's the link to get on your calendar? um If they go to call.fixdeadbedrooms.com, that will redirect them to my Calendly calendar and they can book a ah time that works for them.
00:31:05
Speaker
Paul.fixdeadbedrooms.com. Okay, we're going to make sure that we do that. oh And by do that, I mean put that in the show notes.
00:31:17
Speaker
So, Paul, why is it important to you personally to help men fix their dead bedrooms? Oh, man, i I decided to make this a mission. um Well, just helping men in general became a mission of mine.
00:31:32
Speaker
man, going on almost five years ago now. um And it was because, you know, I mentioned before, I went through a divorce. And then after that, I got into another relationship.
00:31:44
Speaker
And that relationship failed too, you know? yeah And it was after both of those failed, I felt i felt absolutely miserable. You know, like after after my marriage failed, I felt like a failure.
00:31:59
Speaker
You know, I felt like a failure in life. My parents, they're still together. i ah but Both my grandparents never got divorced. I felt like an absolute failure um with that. I felt like I felt i failed my children.
00:32:11
Speaker
And, um, and then when I got into the relationship with the other gal and then that failed too, I just remember laying on the couch, uh, man, for almost a week, yeah I would still go to meetings. I would still do my job, stuff like that. But in between meetings and stuff, I would go lay on the couch and I just, I could barely breathe, you know, it hurts so bad.
00:32:30
Speaker
yeah Um, and I was just like, man, I i never want, i never want another man to go through what I went through and have to learn the hard way, the way I learned the hard way.
00:32:41
Speaker
um And especially if you're in a marriage that can be saved, you know, um not, not all marriages can be saved. And one one of the things that you're going to learn going through this process and leveling up and becoming the best possible man that you can be, your wife will either get on board or she won't.
00:33:00
Speaker
You know, and that's the unfortunate thing. You'll find that sometimes you're going to outgrow your wife and you're going to look back and go, ah i i can't I can't move forward with this woman. I have to find someone better, you know, but that's you leading the direction of your life. That's you taking life into your own hands and not just letting whatever happens happens to you. You know, you're taking ownership here.
Success Stories and Positive Outcomes
00:33:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:23
Speaker
And i I just want to give that men that kind of power, you know, um because it is just a terrible place to be in. And if i if I knew now what I knew then, I know for a fact I could have saved my marriage.
00:33:36
Speaker
You know, i knowing my my my now ex-wife and how things were and how I handled things, I could have handled everything so much better. We still would have been together today. So um I know it's possible for like um a vast majority of these guys out here that come to me, they they can absolutely turn this stuff around and it's worth a shot, man. You know, like we talk about it, ah like I come out of the Red Pill space, Red Pill talks about, you know, they they they like to crap on marriage all the time. And I'm like, yeah, maybe modern marriage um isn't the best deal for men, but there's a lot of guys that didn't get that memo. They're they are they're already in it.
00:34:13
Speaker
They're already in it. So let's try to save it. you know So that's my motivation. And here's the truth, man. If nobody gets married, human race is going to fucking extinguish itself.
00:34:26
Speaker
So at the end of the day, we got to figure something out that is a better message than, hey, fuck marriage, right? And I think that's why it's important for men like you to be out there putting your message of fixing dead bedrooms in the hearts and minds of men that are married and have these dead bedrooms because you've given them fucking hope.
00:34:52
Speaker
You're showing them a way out because many of these men have given up fucking hope. They're just leading these lives of quiet desperation and lives of quiet desperation are horrible, horrible.
00:35:07
Speaker
That's a quote from Henry David Thoreau, right? Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Don't be one of those men. Be a man full of hope, full of belief that there is a better future for you, for your family, for your wife, for your sex life.
00:35:24
Speaker
Your cock deserves better. That's all I'm gonna say, right? I mean, he does. I'm gonna make that a slogan on a business card. Your cock deserves better, sir.
00:35:37
Speaker
It's good. It's good. It's good. so That's fucking awesome, Paul. So here's the thing that you want to understand, man. um The fact that you, Paul Bauer, never want to see another man go through what you went through is very powerful.
00:35:53
Speaker
And it's honestly a beautiful thing because too many men have gone through pain and you can help them avoid that pain. You know, And I know you've worked with a bunch of men and I know that confidentiality is important in your space, but give us a story or two of men that you've worked with and what kind of results these men have generated when dealing with what seemed like a hopeless dead bedroom situation. um I'll give a story. i'll I'll keep the guy's name private. There was a guy that came to me.
00:36:27
Speaker
oh man, when did he come to me? back Beginning of December now. So we've been working together. He's he's over halfway through the program now. And when he first came to me, his his wife ah slept in different rooms. you know he He would go sleep in the basement. Yeah.
00:36:47
Speaker
he He wanted to take his family out for dinner. And i'm I'm not, this isn't even dead bedroom situation stuff. This is family stuff, right? He wanted to take his family out to go to dinner. They refused to go with him.
00:36:59
Speaker
His daughter refused to go with him. Wow. And he was just at a point where he's like, I don't even, I'm losing my daughter here. You know, my wife's basically got my daughter turned against me at this point.
00:37:12
Speaker
And, um When he came to me, man, he had tears in his eyes after we were we were done talking. i was like, man, let's turn this thing around, right? so So we started working together, and one of his his big things was um he's he's just not assertive enough. you know ah He's not assertive enough. He's trying to make them happy all the time. So, like, for instance, his daughter – When he wants to go do something with his daughter, he'll say, ah hey do you want to go to the bounce park or whatever, right? Like a trampoline park.
00:37:49
Speaker
And she'll say, no, i just want to play on my phone. And so he doesn't want to upset her. So he'll just be like, okay, I guess we won't go. Right. And I'm like, you realize she's your daughter, right? Like she doesn't get a choice.
00:38:03
Speaker
like yeah You tell her we're going to the bounce park, go grab your shoes. You know, like she doesn't get a choice. And the thing is, is that he he needed to do that same type of thing with his wife, like to get his wife to go out with him.
00:38:16
Speaker
But one of the reasons, one of the excuses that his wife made of why she wasn't going out with him was because he was refusing to wear his seatbelt. right And it wasn't that he wouldn't wear it. It's that he and had this bad habit of getting in his car and not putting his seatbelt on.
00:38:35
Speaker
And so his wife would would bug him about it and that would piss him off. And so he would refuse to wear a seatbelt just to spite her. Do you see where this is going? Yeah, me too. so so So I told him, I said, i go, so when was the last time you guys went out? There were like like a year.
00:38:52
Speaker
It was like a year. And I go, just wear the, i was like, is there a reason why you're not wearing seatbelt? Like, did you get a bad accident? Like where you, like you were trapped in a car and there was fire and like, and he's like, no, I just forget to wear it. I go, I go, sometimes our wives have a point, you know, when they, when they bring up stuff like that, it's ah it's not always a power battle. No. So sometimes your wife has a good point. Like there's no reason not to wear your stupid seatbelt. So yeah how about you start getting in the habit of wearing your stupid seatbelt,
00:39:22
Speaker
And then ah when you go tell tell your wife and and kid that you want to go out with them, I go, have a plan in mind and go just tell them, hey, I've i've got this plan in mind. We're going to go to this place. We're going have a lot of fun. Like grab your stuff. Right.
00:39:38
Speaker
And I go and then you need to broken record it. If they are putting up resistance, you need to broken record and say, yeah, I understand where you're coming from. We're going out tonight. I so i understand where you're coming from. We're going out tonight.
00:39:49
Speaker
Right. And just be very assertive with it. and And if they bring up the seatbelt thing, you know say, don't worry about the seatbelt thing. I've been working on that. Let's get on the car and go.
00:39:59
Speaker
And so when he did that and he was assertive with it, is his family went out on a trip with him. And it was the first time they went on a trip with him in like ah over a year.
00:40:10
Speaker
They went down, he took them down to Denver and they were having a great time and they decided to make a whole day of it. And they all went down to ah Manitou Springs and stuff too. He came back to me that next week and he was, this time he was almost crying for joy.
00:40:25
Speaker
Just like, man, I was able, it wasn't even a sex thing. It was, I got to go do something with my family again. And it was all about learning communication and how to properly communicate and how to be more assertive and stop being so passive. yeah you know um So it's its there's little things like this that let lead to a dead bedroom. Because if you're not being attractive in small areas, it's goingnna it's going to compound and get bigger to a place where your wife just doesn't want to fuck you anymore, right? So then that's when guys start noticing this stuff. They don't notice it when it's the little things.
00:40:59
Speaker
But it's those little things that make a difference over time. You know what? It is the little things that make a difference. That's a good story. That's a good story. Awesome. Well, give me one more story and then let's wrap it up.
00:41:12
Speaker
All right. um There was another guy. ah I'll keep his name private, too. when And when he came to me, ah his wife wasn' ah wasn't having sex with him either.
00:41:23
Speaker
And it had been quite a while because they just had they just had a baby. And that I think that was the big that was the big catalyst was the baby and the baby's up all night, you know, that sort of thing. And he was...
00:41:37
Speaker
he was really just being real passive with her and stuff as well. And, uh, but when he came to me, he was just like, I just don't get it. Like she's, she rejects me all the time. She, she acts like she's too tired all the time. And, and he was just getting really frustrated with the whole situation.
00:41:55
Speaker
and um, and I, I think I might've mentioned this guy before, but anyway, he, um, he was an interesting situation cause he's what we call a type one captain and type one captains, um, like which that's for another podcast episode, a type one captain, cause the, and the, the concept of captain, uh, comes from, ah the red pill space where we're trying to have like a captain, um ah first officer dynamic in our relationship, or I like to call it a captain executive officer type type dynamic where you're the, you're overall in charge of the relationship and your wife is your supporting in a supporting role, right? She's supporting the mission.
00:42:36
Speaker
Well, this guy is what we call a a type one captain, which means that he used to be that guy. He used to be the one that was decisive, set the tone and led. He was the guy who was sort of cocky funny when he first met his wife.
00:42:50
Speaker
And he just fell into complacency and stopped doing all those things. And so his wife had to start doing all those things. And those are the easiest relationships to turn around because all you have to do is get that guy to just start doing that stuff again. And his wife immediately responds well to it. Right. So
Personal Testimonies and Episode Wrap-up
00:43:06
Speaker
after the the second week with that, that guy, um that's where I i was teaching him how to handle her shit tests.
00:43:14
Speaker
You know, like like she'll sit throw little playful barbs at him and he used to get like really upset with her about it. And when he learned that he didn't have to get upset with her about it, he didn't even have to take what she said seriously, he could actually playfully joke about it.
00:43:27
Speaker
She completely turned around. And ah he she ended up like like second week. he He messaged me after that, that that meeting. It was like, I'm not in a dead bedroom situation anymore. And since then, we're we're almost at the end of the program for him.
00:43:42
Speaker
His relationship is the best it's ever been. And so um that's a, that's, that was ah that's one of my um I'm really happy with, with that guy and how, how that situation turned out, you know, because he really put in the work too. He really like every week I would give him something and then he would hit me up in between sessions and ask me if like, Hey, do you recommend any other books? Like what, what, what do you recommend here? And, you know he was just constantly asking me for things that he could just keep working on. That's and umoyant those are the kinds.
00:44:12
Speaker
Somebody who wants to do the work, right? Yeah, well, not only was he doing the work that I was giving him, he was going above and beyond and trying to find other things to work on. And so, yeah, guys like that typically get good results because they're the ones that are they're coachable and they'll they'll they you know they'll do what you tell them to do and they are in it to win it, you know?
00:44:35
Speaker
ah there's Unfortunately, there's a lot of guys out there that will, they'll even buy the program and they'll they'll still put in the bare minimum and then they get bare minimum results. you know so yeah Those guys are losers. I hate say it.
00:44:49
Speaker
You need guys who are ready to do the It's like anything in yeah but's like anything in life you know like You could go to you could go to Harvard. Right. Or you can go to the local community college and it's all about what you put into it with is what you're going to get out of it. You know what I mean? Like you could go to Harvard and have a crappy ah education and get the best education you'll ever get from the local community college. It's all about are you willing to do the work and are you willing to do the studying and are you willing to apply the information?
00:45:16
Speaker
Absolutely. You should tell this guy to renew with you and take his relationship to a new level. And I'd have that conversation with him because this guy loves everything you're all about. And he's not going to be satisfied with one and done. He's going to actually want to take his relationship to another level.
00:45:37
Speaker
And honestly, continuing to have your support is just going to make things better. It's like bulletproof in his relationship. That's the way I look at it. And Paul,
00:45:49
Speaker
Your book, How to Get Her to Fuck You Again, is an excellent book. I read your book. I applied what you said in the book. And honestly, it instantly made a difference. and I've not been in a situation where my relationship was in a dead bedroom, but it was certainly trending in the wrong direction. You know, working too hard on my end, she's like stressed out because her mom's at a home ah and she has to spend a lot of time dealing with health issues for her, all that kind of stuff.
00:46:21
Speaker
And that sort of dynamic leads to less intimacy. And I started to, to, look at the relationship and go, well, can this be turned around?
00:46:34
Speaker
And then you became my client. I go, well, fuck it. Let me read his books. Let me see what he has to say about the subject. Let's be open-minded on this. And I started to apply what I read in your book. It was immediately effective, immediately effective. The first thing I did was I was more assertive and I led more in the relationship rather than deferring to what I thought she wanted and she loved it.
00:47:00
Speaker
She was shocked by it at first, but she loved it. The more I did that, the better things got between us. There was a point in time when my lovely lady came to me and said, I don't want to leave.
00:47:14
Speaker
I think I'm falling in love with you all over again. And that's when I thought to myself, fuck, Paul's stuff is legit, man. Everybody needs to read this book. Everybody needs to work with this man. So those are my thoughts on on the matter.
00:47:27
Speaker
No, I mean, I appreciate that feedback because, yeah, honestly, you don't you don't have to wait until you're in a dead bedroom situation to start making your marriage strong. you know you can If your marriage is, you would characterize it as okay. Like, yeah, we're we're doing all right. We we know we fight every once a while, but doesn't everybody?
00:47:46
Speaker
Grab the book and read it. you're You're going to get a lot of good information out of it, especially if you learn how to apply like the Luca technique when it comes to um having conversations with your wife, you'll never get an argument again.
00:47:59
Speaker
You know, if you apply Luca, you'll never have to argue with her ever again. You'll, and you'll win every time. And that's a beautiful thing. It truly is to never have to fight with your wife again as a win right there.
00:48:11
Speaker
That, that alone is worth the price of admission as they say. Now, Paul, thanks for coming on the show. You know, I'm a big fan of your work. You know, I'm a big fan of your book. We work together. You're a client, your friend,
00:48:23
Speaker
And I'm very grateful to have the opportunity of service to you. And I'm very grateful for your work because you've opened my eyes to a whole new world. And i've I've read your book. I've read a bunch of the other books you've recommended from some of the other authors that you mention in your book and that you've mentioned in conversations and in podcasts and views that we've done.
00:48:42
Speaker
But I got to say, all those books have been great. Yours has been the most comprehensive and the most ah succinct with actionable, strategies that you can take immediately, not theory, actionable strategies.
00:48:59
Speaker
And I really liked it for that reason. And if man's listening to this and you're in a dead bedroom or you're in a bedroom that's trending toward deadness, that's a new, that's also a new phrase you can use, man, is your bedroom trending toward deadness.
00:49:13
Speaker
This is a book that can help change your life for the better. And that's that. Paul Bauer, thank you for coming on the show. God bless you, man.
00:49:24
Speaker
Till the next time. Thank you for listening to the Sovereign Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and become the man you've always wanted to be, we invite you to join the movement at sovereignman.ca.