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Upcoming Fathers (feat. Ben)
88 Plays2 years ago
In this series, we are digging deeper into current and potential fatherhood. We are peaking through the eyes of several different men, all in different life stages. In this episode, we are interviewing Ben!
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Transcript
Introduction & Purpose
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome, beautiful people. Welcome, pioneers. We are in season three through the eyes of men, upcoming fathers. And these are all the guys who don't have kids, but who want them. And it's just been amazing to get a guy's perspective on what they think fatherhood would be like, because, you know, as a woman, I kind of have an inkling, but it's kind of different when you look through the eyes of the opposite sex.
Meet Benjamin: Aspiring Father
00:01:04
Speaker
So today we have on here Benjamin.
00:01:08
Speaker
What's up? What's up? What's up? Glad to be here. So Ben, give us a little bit about yourself. All right. So my name's Ben. I'm from New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm an engineer at Amazon. And one day I do indeed hope to be a father. So I'm currently not one yet. Oh, good. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Absolutely. Gotta lay that down. All righty. Are you married or dating? So I'm currently, you know,
00:01:35
Speaker
It's so complicated in the modern era. I would say I'm in like the talking phase. Yeah. So we'll see. We'll see. Hopefully if everything, if everything goes well, I will be dating soon, but just talking. Do you think you're ready to be a dad?
Financial Preparedness & Philosophy
00:01:55
Speaker
Um, so if something just happened today and all of a sudden I was a dad,
00:02:01
Speaker
I think I would be able to handle it. I really do. For me, one of the primary focuses is, am I financially able to support a family? And I'm very blessed to say at this point, I would be able to. Now it would be a big shock, like all of a sudden, bam, dad. But I think life has put me through enough trials to where I've gained enough wisdom to be able to
00:02:24
Speaker
to be able to approach it with at least a good mindset. I definitely don't think I know everything I will need to know to become a father, but I don't think anybody probably does when they're becoming a parent. But I do think I've got a good mindset towards it. And I have the ability to, you know, provide a decent life to a kid. What are you ready and prepared for as it pertains to fatherhood?
00:02:45
Speaker
So definitely ready on this stability part. I've gotten kind of through the wild years of collegiate life and just kind of going everywhere and just kind of going where the wind blows me. I'm much more stable at this point, which is definitely very important, right? You can't really be a nomad. If you're going to have a kid, you kind of need to be there. And then also, I think
00:03:12
Speaker
pretty well read, pretty well grounded in my own moral philosophy and my own moral compass, which is so important. Because if you're raising somebody else up from nothing, the beauty of a child is you've got this being that you can mold and form
00:03:32
Speaker
in any which way, right? It's limitless potential. And I think if you don't know yourself well enough, and if you don't understand your own approach to the world well enough, how on earth can you intentionally create another person to be well equipped to handle the world? And I think I'm really at a point where I understand myself and my approach to life well enough to where I would be able to pass those along in an understandable and applicable way for another person. Wow.
00:04:01
Speaker
What are you unprepared for?
Personal Challenges & Parental Insights
00:04:03
Speaker
Oh man, I'm so much, right? Like I like sleeping in for one. I think having a baby will just get rid of that entirely. And then
00:04:14
Speaker
I have what we call commitment issues. I love waiting until the last minute to figure out what I'm going to be doing with my time. Somebody's like, hey, Ben, do you want to do this in six months? I'm like, ask me a week out. But when you have a kid, when there's another person involved, you can't exactly do that anymore. So that would be difficult for me. But that being said, I do think I would be able to make the transition. But if it just happened today, it would cause me quite a few bumps.
00:04:43
Speaker
Is your dad in your life and how do you think that will affect your fatherhood? So that's a complicated question. So my parents got divorced when I was five years old. And I lived predominantly with my mom. My dad has all kinds of issues that he was working through and is definitely still working through. But I'm really blessed to say our family has gotten along in a way that we're in each other's lives. Now, it's definitely not like a normal father-son relationship. I would almost consider us closer to friends.
00:05:12
Speaker
I wouldn't look to him for too much moral guidance, but I still give him the respect that I think you should give a father. Now, how's that going to affect me when I'm a father?
00:05:25
Speaker
I think in the same way that it has affected me my whole life. I had to learn what is a man supposed to be? What is a man supposed to look like? How is a man supposed to handle different circumstances? Because as hard as my mom tried, she can't replace that role of a father. And I'm glad she didn't try to even. But I'm going to have to really learn what
00:05:51
Speaker
where do I have to draw the line with kids? How do I handle these difficult situations that are inevitably going to arise? Because I haven't had that really drawn out for me as a kid myself. So there's definitely going to be a lot of trial and error, but I'm really hoping that I'm smart enough and
00:06:11
Speaker
because I'm going into it with this understanding that I'm working kind of from a deficit, I'll be able to compensate for that in a way that is pretty meaningful so that my kid doesn't notice too many hiccups. Oh, that is so good. Could you be a father to someone else's child?
Family Planning & Reflections
00:06:30
Speaker
So that would be difficult. Um, I think the circumstances really, really matter in that case, right? Like if I was married to somebody and they ended up having another man's child, like that would be, that would just be so, so hard. Now, you know, if I were just to adopt somebody else, I think that would be a much easier decision, right? Because it's kind of a,
00:06:47
Speaker
it would be a joint decision between me and my wife. So I think it really matters to how this other child comes into our lives, even if it's like, you know, our kid has a friend whose family life isn't that great, and we kind of spiritually adopt them in that kind of manner. That'd be great. But circumstances aside, I think I would be able to. I don't know, and I hope I'm a good enough person to not
00:07:12
Speaker
pick favorites between my own kids, my own biological kids and somebody else's kids. I would hope that I am better than that, but I really don't know. I think that's probably one of those things that would come out in time and under actual practice, but it would be difficult. It would be definitely a hurdle to jump over.
00:07:34
Speaker
How many kids do you want? My normal answer to this is like two or three, but with the caveat that I'm not the one that's really given birth here.
00:07:47
Speaker
If my wife's really eager and she's like, you know, let's have five. Oh my God. That's not great. Like, I mean, that might be expensive, but I mean, we can adjust for that. If you want to, if you want to have that many kids by all means, like go off, queen. I'm pretty cool on that. No, no. Definitely do want some kids more than one, more than one. Oh God, you're crazy. How would you handle the death?
00:08:17
Speaker
Miss Carridge, stillbirth, SIDS, et cetera, of your child. See, that would be so difficult. I really, really don't know. I mean, from every parent that seems to like,
00:08:32
Speaker
like their kid in a way that parents are generally supposed to. The general consensus I hear is that they love their kid more than anything in the world. And so to have that immediately taken away from me, I can't imagine it would be anything less than devastating. And then with that, with being the man and head of household in a relationship comes some form of expectation of being able to be a rock to be leaned on.
00:09:00
Speaker
Um, and I know that you know modern society will kind of try to tell you otherwise and like be in touch with your feelings and everything like that And that's not a bad thing But I definitely think you know, if everything else is falling apart the ability to remain stoic in hard times Will be a great benefit now I think that definitely my wife and I would have to go through some kind of counseling You know just to to move forward from that, but it would be a really devastating experience What traditions do you want to break with
Breaking Cycles & Building Traditions
00:09:28
Speaker
your kids?
00:09:28
Speaker
So, um, both of my parents come from like divorce households. Um, you know, the fifth, there's like a 50% divorce rate or something right now. Um, I really am hoping to break that trend, which is why I've been just so profoundly picky with, you know, people I talk to and people I go on dates with and everything. Like I'm, I'm so great at going on a first date, seeing all kinds of red flags and then not even like pretending I won a second date. Um, just cause I know like,
00:09:55
Speaker
being able to have seen so many relationships fall apart and the things that generally cause it, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at catching them a little early. And not that any of these people are bad either, but like sometimes two individuals can be okay on their own, but when put together, it just causes problems. So I want to break that cycle of divorce and I really want to show my kids that you can have a strong, good, healthy parental relationship. That's such a priority.
00:10:25
Speaker
What traditions do you want to start? I want to start doing things like I really want family meals where we're all just sitting around the table and able to talk with each other. I want a healthy
00:10:39
Speaker
almost judgment-free relationship with my kids to where they feel comfortable approaching me with things that are causing them issues, be it like dating issues or school issues and things like that, and know that I'm not going to really get mad at them if they're coming to me with problems that they have.
00:10:56
Speaker
I think that's something that I didn't exactly have, right? I mean, raised by a single mom, she was really stressed. So anything out of the ordinary, right? Like, I never approached her with girl issues or anything like that, just because I'm here like, you don't need to throw any variables into this mess. So I really want to generate that kind of safe, comfort, comforting, loving environment where my kids understand it's okay to fail. It's okay to mess up. It's just not okay to stay there. We know we're going to move forward, but we're going to move forward together.
00:11:26
Speaker
What's one thing you want your child to know you for? I want them to know me for being consistent and being present. I think those two things are absolutely critical.
00:11:41
Speaker
strict parent, right? As long as you're consistent about things and you're fair to every kid, I think that'll go a long way in generating respect, right? And I think back to my school days, right? It wasn't the teachers who were, you know, the coolest with, and they liked the cool crowd and they'd let them slide. It was the teachers who were kind of generally strict overall, but very fair. That left a lasting impact on my life.
00:12:03
Speaker
I think kids aren't stupid. They recognize those things. They recognize that they're being treated either beneficially or treated negatively. I don't want that to be the case. I want to be able to hear my kids out. If they make a good point or if I do something wrong, I want to be able to apologize or acknowledge that they have a different perspective and that it can be valid. Yeah. What do you want to impart on your kids the most?
Fatherhood Advice & Gender Roles
00:12:30
Speaker
I want to teach them how to think.
00:12:35
Speaker
We're so focused on teaching people what to think and saying, my opinion is right because of X or Y. I just want to teach my kids how to learn and how to ask intelligent questions and find the answers out on their own. Be it from asking experts or using this awesome tool called the Internet, maybe they listen to some cool podcasts and learn things that way. But I really want them to have a hunger for knowledge and the understanding of how to satiate that hunger.
00:13:04
Speaker
What do you have to say to other upcoming fathers? Be there, right? Be present. Coming from a single mom household, it sets you back so, so far. I mean, the statistics are astonishing. I think you're significantly more likely to, say, end up in prison or drop out of school. And much, much more likely to end up a divorced parent yourself, right? And we really need men to step up and be present.
00:13:31
Speaker
even if not for the sake of the partner, but for the sake of the children, right? The statistics are crystal clear that kids who grow up in a two-parent household are significantly better off than kids who grew up in a single-parent household. So yeah, just be there. Bonus questions that I forgot to add. I'm ready. I'm ready. All right. What do you have to say to this generation of men and fathers? Don't be afraid to
00:14:00
Speaker
be wrong. Don't be afraid to fail. We're so conditioned to not take risks. If the teacher in school would ask a question that we didn't know, we're more conditioned just to sit back and be quiet than to raise our hand and ask for help or to risk being wrong publicly.
00:14:19
Speaker
That being said, the people who have the biggest impacts in the world are the ones who are willing to risk failure the most. And if we're not willing to step up and confidently face the unknown, then what kind of leaders are we? Oh, Jesus. So I think that's really it, right? Be willing to fail, but do it boldly. And last question, what do you have to say to this generation of women and mothers?
00:14:50
Speaker
Thanks for dealing with us. I mean, obviously I'm a huge fan of my mom. I think women are so great. But definitely give men room to be men. Me and my mom have this exact conversation like, oh, yes.
00:15:15
Speaker
And I mean, that's what we need, right? There's like an almost emasculation of culture and society that's happening right now, and that needs to change. Because the fact of the matter is, we need men, we need what it is men bring to the table, and we can't demonize that, and we can't villainize that. And I understand we've got like a strong girl power movement, and you know, go off queen, more power to you, like that's awesome. But we can't push up women,
00:15:42
Speaker
at the sake of pushing down men, a firm believer that rising tides lift all boats. So maybe if we improve circumstances for everybody and acknowledge our differences and acknowledge each other's problems, but we don't diminish other people's perspectives or circumstances, maybe we'll all be better off, you know, and we won't be better off at the sake of somebody else's downfall.
00:16:04
Speaker
I can't even, my mind is reeling right now. This is so good. I don't even want to stop. I want to make more questions now.
Closing Remarks & Call to Action
00:16:15
Speaker
Well, pioneers and beautiful people, I really hope that you got something from that and that this blessed you. Please take this and run with it, improve your lives, improve yourself, share this with someone, go to the Patreon, go to the website, go to all the places,
00:16:32
Speaker
Make sure that if this has touched you in any way, you let someone else know. And you guys have an awesome, amazing, blessed week. And we say bye, pioneers. See you in the next one. Bye, pioneers.
00:17:02
Speaker
you