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Fathers (feat. Pastor Andrew)
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In this series, we are digging deeper into current and potential fatherhood. We are peaking through the eyes of several different men, all in different life stages. In this episode, we are interviewing Pastor Andrew!
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Transcript
Introduction to Season 3: Fatherhood
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome, beautiful people. Welcome, pioneers. We are in season three through the eyes of men, fatherhood. And I have been so blessed by this season. And I hope that you guys are gaining so much wisdom from this and that you are taking it and using it.
Pastor Andrew's Background and Family Life
00:00:56
Speaker
On here today, we have Pastor Andrew. How's it going, Shala? Great. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm doing good. I'm seeing a little sunshine out there finally.
00:01:13
Speaker
It's been terrible, but it's good. The sun is here. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, I am.
00:01:22
Speaker
I'm a pastor at a church in Spokane, Washington. My wife and I are on staff here and we oversee all the ministries. So everything from kids to students, men's and women's missions. So we oversee the ministries here at the church. And we've been married for eight years, nine years in September, and we have three sons. They all look like the same person in different stages of life.
00:01:51
Speaker
Uh, yeah, someone said that the rest of their day. They're like, well, you can definitely tell which kids are yours. So it's funny because I, you know, I think they look different, but, um, you know, I suppose I see them more. All right. First question.
Responsibilities and Challenges of Fatherhood
00:02:06
Speaker
What is fatherhood? Ooh. Well, um, I'm glad that you started with such an easy question. Um, cause this isn't a challenge to define. Um, fatherhood is.
00:02:19
Speaker
I mean, biologically, being a dad, creating a human being with your body, which is crazy. I mean, gosh, being a mother's got to be even crazier, right? Creating life from out of your own life. But then as far as being a father, I mean, maybe it's easier for me to see as a dad with sons, but I look at them and I think, my gosh,
00:02:49
Speaker
They're following me, they're watching me, they want my eyes on them. And so being a father is, gosh, unless they're sleeping, it's just not something you can ever switch off. Everything you do, everything you see, everything you say, they're gonna
00:03:06
Speaker
they're going to have some kind of really formative moment from that time. I guess that's the scary side. You're like, they're going to have an emotional response to this. They're going to try it. They're going to do it. They're going to ask you a question about it that you better know how to answer. Um, so fatherhood is being a provider, being an example all the time.
00:03:27
Speaker
Yeah. Like this is the cheesy way I describe fatherhood is I buy bananas at the store all the time knowing I'll probably never eat a single one of them. Because I don't want to take something that I've got for my child, you know, it's this weird, like, natural response of like, that's for my kid, I can't have it for myself, or I got to protect it and fight
Breaking Stereotypes and Embracing Vulnerability
00:03:51
Speaker
for it. So that's so good.
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah. What are some generalizations about fatherhood that need to be shut down? Well, I think that some of the things that are positives can also be
00:04:10
Speaker
um can become a crutch or a danger for a dad so where i'd say hey it's positive you need to be a good example for your sons uh you need to be strong you need to provide for them these are things that are true i think then sometimes what men here is you can't let anyone see you be weak you can't let your kids see you be weak or make a mistake uh you've gotta you've gotta like put the hammer down you know you've got it so uh i'd say maybe the i don't know if generalization but um
00:04:40
Speaker
that sometimes your strength becomes a weakness because you can't show your weakness. I don't know if that makes any sense. But yeah, dad's always right. Because I'm not always right. And I've definitely made some mistakes and I try and have those conversations with my kid when I'm like, hey, I was wrong. You were right, I was wrong. And so I think
00:05:10
Speaker
It's my way or the highway, you know, that kind of stuff. Um, of course I want to set a standard for my kids, but I've got to learn to do that in a humble way.
Influences and Personal Growth in Fatherhood
00:05:21
Speaker
Is fatherhood challenging and why? Oh gosh. Um, yes. Next question. Um, yeah, it's, it's extremely challenging because it exposes all of your selfishness. Um, yeah.
00:05:39
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, you see for in a couple of ways, sometimes you just see it reflected in them. Yeah. You know, you see behavior and attitude and you're like, well, chances are they're learning that from me, especially with younger children. My kids are seven, five and one. So they're filters not quite there yet. So when I see behaviors in them,
00:06:02
Speaker
That I don't like. I'm like, wow, you know, there's a really good chance that they saw that from me. And so, you know, it's, it's challenging as well.
00:06:15
Speaker
when you realize that people are just different and that goes for your kids too. And so you can't just have a single answer for every person, but then when they see each other getting different, perceived different treatment, you gotta explain that too. And so, and then just the fact that again, like you're always on, they're always watching and you can't just take a day off from being a dad.
00:06:45
Speaker
Is your father in your life and how has that affected your father? Yeah, he is. I have a really amazing dad and he's a great grandpa. He's a great father and that has absolutely affected my life. You know, his father was an alcoholic and slept around and had kind of a rough
00:07:10
Speaker
So my dad had a rough dad, although he loved his dad and later in my grandpa's life, you know, they had a good relationship. I know my dad saw that life and said, I'm not going to do that. And I was really thankful for that. And I mean, my parents became Christians right after they got married and they decided to raise their family in a way that was different than the way their families were. So they didn't always get it right. My dad didn't always get it right, but he,
00:07:39
Speaker
he did an incredible job. And so yeah, we have a really, we've always had a good relationship and I'm really thankful for it. And it has shaped so much of how I am as a dad. In some ways where I'm like, I don't want to do it that way, but mostly showing me how to do it well. Hmm. Was being a dad your plan or was it God's? Oh man. I don't think that's an or question. I think it's an and question. Um,
00:08:07
Speaker
I always wanted to be a father. Well, I mean, uh, for a lot, a lot of my life, I always really wanted to be a dad. I got married older than some people do. I was 35 when I got married. So, uh, we started having kids pretty quick right after that. I had been wanting to be a dad for a long time. Um, but God did accelerate that a bit. We, we, uh, we got started even faster than we were planning. So, um, yeah, it was absolutely my plan, but it was for sure God's.
00:08:38
Speaker
Have you and your spouse ever had to deal with the miscarriage or stillbirth, and how did you get through that? No, we haven't. We haven't. But in my family, we did. My parents lost a couple kids and even lost a child after she was a couple months old. So I hate to say fear, but there's always that thought of what could happen. But no, we've been very,
00:09:07
Speaker
We've been very blessed and fortunate we have not had to walk through that.
Building Connections with Children
00:09:12
Speaker
Do you have a good slash close relationship with your kids? I would say yes. And I think I have a great relationship with my boys there. I'm the bedtime guy.
00:09:26
Speaker
we have a good bedtime routine and we read together and we snuggle together and we play together and wrestle and I think we have a really good relationship and I'm really even trying to make sure that at this stage in life that we have good communication and we're able to talk about stuff because I think it'd be easy to just play and let it be that and yell and be
00:09:50
Speaker
be disciplined dad, but I'm starting to, especially my seven year old, trying to have some deeper conversations and I think we have a good relationship. Yeah. Okay. What do your kids do that soften your heart? Oh, well gosh, it was different with each one. My, um,
00:10:10
Speaker
My oldest is a lot like me. He's very affectionate. And so proximity is a big deal for him. He always wants to be close and hand on your cheek or whatever, which is sweet. And I love that. But it's funny, my five-year-old is a lot more
00:10:30
Speaker
seemingly aloof, so it's funny with him sometimes that even means more, you know, when he wants to sit on my lap or wants to put his arm around me. It really softens my heart because it's a little harder to come by from him. My one-year-old just likes to say hi all the time nonstop, so that's sweet.
00:10:54
Speaker
But there's just these moments sometimes like on the day off where we're hanging out in the living room or watching something on TV and all of a sudden all three of them are like on me like sitting on me or leaning against me or hand on me and and it really it's it really softens my heart when they're all close and they want to be close.
Discipline and Value Instillation
00:11:14
Speaker
How do you deal with disobedience physically and emotionally? Oh well who's listening to this podcast?
00:11:24
Speaker
Um Well, we I mean we we try to be very very careful with our discipline obviously I know it's um easy to get emotional as busy human beings and um, so we we really try and And get them aside individually get down on their level have conversations do timeouts um You know, I would say there have been
00:11:51
Speaker
Uh, there has been a little, there's been a little bit of a spank here and there, but that's on a very, very extreme, uh, it's very clear laid out. If you physically harm somebody, um, you know, you do something that's extremely dangerous and, uh, you know, you get like a SWAT, you know, in a very controlled environment and, and explained why, I mean, I was, man, I was, I was sure spanked. Um, it was good for me. Uh,
00:12:21
Speaker
I had some wooden spoons broken on my backside. But, um, yeah, I mean, we, uh, we really are, we have great kids and, and, you know, honestly, like conversations, calming down, head to your room so we can have quite conversation. Um, you know, the occasional timeout and, and, and really being consistent early on with that stuff has, I think created clear expectations. And so our kids are,
00:12:49
Speaker
Generally good at respond to that stuff. You know, there's some really emotional stuff that I know is happening with our oldest so That that's kind of a new that's been some new stuff to navigate and my wife and I've been talking a lot about that like hey
00:13:07
Speaker
kind of get a hold of your emotions, like what do we need? And so trying to figure out like, what do we need to do to help you get control of the emotions so we can have a conversation? And so it's always evolving. And again, having younger kids, I think the emotions are pretty raw and trying to learn how to have intelligent conversations without using too big of words is always the challenge.
00:13:36
Speaker
think we're doing okay. What are you trying to instill in your sons? Yeah. Well, I mean, foremost, we want to instill in our sons a love for God and, and, and not just a
00:13:55
Speaker
not just like a moral direction or just you do this because this is what we do, you know, Hanson's do this or, you know, I think there's a place for, hey, Hanson's are like this or this is what we're like in our home. There's, I mean, there's a place for those reminders, but I really want my kids to understand the why behind any rule or anything, any value that we would have. And I try and sit them down and explain that to them as much as I can.
00:14:25
Speaker
we'll never tell you to do something without explaining what the value is and why we do it. And so, um, you know, now that we, we work at a church, I, I really want to guard, um, I really want to guard their view of God and their relationship with Jesus. I want to nurture it and I want to, um, I really want to see them grasp hold of it as soon as possible. And, um,
00:14:55
Speaker
You know, I know a lot of times there's this conversations between
00:15:00
Speaker
you know a personal faith and and then you know our faith is is lived out in the body of Christ and and understanding that hey that it's not just so personal that you don't ever talk about with anyone else but I do want them to really know and feel and sense God I really try and have my sons pray for other people and recognize those moments when hey this person needs prayer let's go pray for them now and and let them pray
00:15:27
Speaker
And, um, there's been some really powerful moments because of that. So, um, and, and as far as, you know, kindness, gentleness, I really want to instill in them, obviously good values. I want them to be good people, but even more than that, I want them to be, um, to be godly, good people. And, and, um, yeah.
00:15:56
Speaker
Yeah, introduce them to God and let God work. What are some unspoken promises, principles, characteristics, et cetera, that you want them to grasp just by watching you? Man.
00:16:18
Speaker
I think being slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger. It's something I would love for them to grasp by watching me. Not complaining, not gossiping, shutting stuff down.
00:16:35
Speaker
you know, when you think they're not listening, they really are. So, you know, that's something that we always want to be careful about if we're talking about people in our lives, whether it's friends or family, that they would see how we talk about other people, and they'd see how we care for them, respect them, choose to pray for them rather than gossip. And I hope that they would see that I hope that they would see a commitment to things we've said, I hope that they would see hard work,
00:17:06
Speaker
and not making excuses. And I hope that they would see that it's okay to ask for help and to involve other people and to give people opportunities to try and fail. And I would really, really hope that they know how to love a woman well and treat her with respect. So good. How do you incorporate your walk with Christ into your parenting?
00:17:36
Speaker
I really just want to incorporate my walk with Christ into my whole life and do who I am and not have it look different when it comes to parenting. I would say an area I would like to improve, especially as my kids are getting older, is reading the Bible with them, memorizing scripture with them, getting involved, doing things with them. But as far as my walk, we
Balancing Work, Family, and Faith
00:18:03
Speaker
We do try and have them read Bible stories and read with us and I try and get them involved in anything we're doing at church as much as possible. We obviously we pray together a lot and like I was saying earlier I like to get them to pray so we know someone who's sick or if we know someone who's hurting or lonely or
00:18:25
Speaker
I'll even ask them, you know, it's God putting anyone on your heart. Let them sort of search and listen. And then if they say somebody, I let them pray for them first or ask how we can pray for them. Yeah, so I think prayer is a big one. How do you balance work, spouse, ministry, kids, and your own personal walk with God?
00:18:53
Speaker
That's a big assumption you're making. Yeah, I just try and exercise wisdom as much as I can. And, you know, if I'm starting my day in the presence of God, if I'm starting my day, and throughout my day listening to Him, I really hope that I would be sensitive to any feeling of imbalance that's there.
00:19:17
Speaker
And I think the fact of the matter is there are times when it's out of balance and there's, I think there's some times where it's okay to be out of balance.
00:19:25
Speaker
Um, but that has to be really carefully communicated. Um, and then, and then it has to also be out of balance the other way too, if you know what I mean? So if there's times where it's like, Hey, this is a really busy week. We're doing a lot for this reason. This is why we're doing this to help people. We're doing this so people know Jesus. Um, but, but we're going to take a couple of days off next week and we're going to have some more family time, you know? And so.
00:19:52
Speaker
just trying to really listen to the Holy Spirit and trying to communicate well with my wife and with my boys that this is what our life looks like. And I'd say the personal walk with God, that's really where it has to start. If I'm not sewing there first thing in the morning, I can tell by the end of the day. Yeah.
Leadership and Personal Development
00:20:17
Speaker
What challenges do you have as the head of house and how do you overcome them?
00:20:23
Speaker
Oh, gosh. Well, I mean, being good at budgeting was not my natural gift, Max. So I've had to learn over the years to really be good at, to get better at doing that budgeting, communicating where we're at financially, budgeting our time, communicating what we're doing as a family.
00:20:50
Speaker
I, I have a really strong wife. So learning how to be, uh, Our house. Learning how to be, uh, strong learning how to, but not to, to be domineering. Um, cause when you lead someone who is strong and, and consistent, you have to be very, very strong and consistent yourself. You can't be threatened by that, but you also have to trust God for the wisdom to lead.
00:21:20
Speaker
And so that's been something I feel like it's been a constant growth in my life is learning how to, how to show strength, but not to show that strength because you're trying to be stronger than or prove that you're in charge. What falls through the cracks because of whatever is happening on a daily basis, what area are you slacking in? Oh man, falls through the cracks. Well,
00:21:51
Speaker
Occasionally communicating with other people outside my family, especially if I'm, especially if I'm into family time, trying to focus. Sometimes I will miss maybe communicating with my extended family or with friends. And, and so I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get better at responding to people right away or
00:22:14
Speaker
uh making appointments it no matter how far out that has to be you know that feeling of like oh we'll figure it out we'll figure it out we'll get to that and then like you don't um so i i think i'm learning to get better at just really making appointments and uh at the moment and even if it's far out getting in my calendar um i'm i'm hoping nothing big's falling through the cracks i guess if it's falling through the cracks i wouldn't know it uh until someone told me like hey whoa
00:22:44
Speaker
What are you doing? The only thing I would maybe say, I've been trying to get my reading habit back because I used to love to read and I'm tired a lot at the end of the day. And so I've been kind of slacking and reading and then exercising. That's another area I'm really trying to reinsert my life because I'm getting older. I need to be consistent. And so I want to wrestle my kids. They're going to be able to kick my butt soon enough. So got to get back in shape.
00:23:16
Speaker
Do you find yourself overcompensating in any way for any reason?
Overcoming Fears and Living in the Moment
00:23:22
Speaker
I don't, I don't, I don't think so. I'd say in the back of my mind, you know, you always have a little bit of a fear of, you know, you know, the enemy like tries to get you thinking about how you're just this, this kid who doesn't know what he's doing. So I think all of us in our minds, sometimes it's easy to go back to when, um,
00:23:42
Speaker
we were young or inexperienced, because it doesn't take long, it doesn't take much for your mind to go back to those memories. But I, you know, so occasionally, I'll get a little bit of that feeling when I was younger and didn't feel respected. And I got to be careful not to not to react out of those feelings. And just remember that God has put me in this place for this time, and I have what I need. And so
00:24:07
Speaker
I hope that I don't do that too often. I would say every now and then I can kind of sense trying to prove myself. Yeah. And maybe once my kids are older, I'll have to deal with that more. But at the moment, I feel like pretty trying to have a pretty good balance. I think I do. What do you do on the days you want to quit? I don't. I.
00:24:34
Speaker
You can't. Listen, this is what's so great about having a great partnership, a great wife. I think we both would have days where it's like, you know,
00:24:46
Speaker
today I can't. And hopefully we're, you know, those are the times where we're filling for each other, we're helping each other out, we're strengthening each other. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes there's days we both want to quit. I wouldn't say they want to quit. I'd say there's just days where I want to do like the very least I could possibly do. And I, you know, and I, I try and force myself to, to live in the moment. That's one thing that I really always wanted to commit to do as a dad and as a husband is
00:25:14
Speaker
I want to live in the moment. And if that means I change a poopy diaper at three in the morning and I, you know, I had a lot of people be like, well, you know, you're the one who has to go to work in the morning. Like the mom should do that. And I'm like, Hey, you know, I want to do this because this isn't going to last very long. And so I think the thing that helps me not get to a place where I want to quit is that I, I do really try and live in the moment as much as I can. And it doesn't mean I don't plan ahead. I don't think ahead or I don't look back.
00:25:43
Speaker
But I really try and be present as much as I can in the moment. And that helps. Sometimes it's still hard, but that helps. Yeah.
Support Systems and Spirituality
00:25:53
Speaker
Who has helped support you through your journey as a father? My wife, Jesus. I've got a good family.
00:26:04
Speaker
I do have some men I look up to there's a couple guys here at church that one in particular has three sons that are all older and so I'll pick his brain a lot and say what's it like raising three boys and what did you do when they were at this phase at this stage of life and so it's pretty great to have a couple men that I can look to and that's something I did not have for a long time so it's been pretty great to have that now where I can
00:26:30
Speaker
I can say, hey, you walked this road 15 years before me, what's it like? And what are the things I need to know and be prepared for? So that's been pretty special. Is a spiritual father as important as a biological or at-home father? Well, I would say no.
00:26:52
Speaker
That's probably way too oversimplified of an answer. Of course, spiritual leadership is important. And I would say in some ways it's probably more important to some people if maybe they don't have a dad at all or they had a really bad situation with their father. I'm very fortunate in that I did have
00:27:18
Speaker
a father who led my home and loved Jesus and taught me to love Jesus too. And so, but unfortunately what I see a lot of times is people who don't have that.
00:27:28
Speaker
they might have a spiritual father, but that wound, that wound from your dad is very real. And, um, even people like me who had a great dad, there's still some stuff to overcome. I think of things, you know, looks that were given or things that were said or times there's misunderstandings and it just hurts more coming from you that. Um, and so I think that that there's nothing that can really replace that. I think that,
00:27:55
Speaker
God designed it that way, that a dad is important in your life. But for some people, I suppose that if they don't have it, having the right spiritual leadership can help really restore that and help them not carry that on into another generation. So good. What do you wish you were told about fatherhood beforehand? I wish more people told me how awesome it was.
00:28:23
Speaker
I, one thing I hate is same thing happened before I got married. I told people I was getting married and they're like, Oh, well, you're never going to be free again. Good luck. And well, you know, you hear all that stuff from people. And the same thing when you're about to be a parent, you know, you tell people about to have a baby and they're like, Oh, we'll get ready to never sleep again and get ready to never be able to go on dates again. And it made me so mad and
00:28:50
Speaker
Megan and I have really tried to be so much the opposite of that. When I find out people who get married are gonna have a baby, I'm like, hey, it's the best. And I loved, I heard this from my own dad too, because I had friends who, and Christians are great people and I love them and they have great families, but I had a lot of people that would really emphasize how hard marriage is and how hard being a parent is. And I remember I was talking to my dad about it one time, and this was right before I got married. And he said to me, you know,
00:29:18
Speaker
Yeah, I guess if I really look back, I would say being married, it can be hard and being apart can be hard. But the positive things in it so far outweigh anything negative that I don't even think about. It's so good. So, so good. Oh, I can't. I just can't because I don't think I've heard a ton of people say that either.
00:29:42
Speaker
Most of them, it's always something negative.
Celebrating the Joys of Fatherhood
00:29:45
Speaker
So I really. Well, and it's like, it's like when you talk to people just in everyday life, you're like, how are you doing? What do 90% of people tell you? What does the answer 90% of people give you? I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah. It's just as like this thing that we feel like we have to do. And as, as a follower of Jesus, I don't want to be that person.
00:30:05
Speaker
Why would I tell somebody that a gift from God is hard? You know what? Who doesn't know that life can be hard? Everybody already knows that. Why do I need to be the person that reminds them? And when it's hard, I'm here for you. But I want you to be so excited about marrying that woman, about having that baby, because it's a gift from God. And I wish more people got me excited to be a dad.
00:30:33
Speaker
I think we need to get more people excited to be parents. Yeah. Because it's such a gift. So, so good. What is one thing you wish you were told by your father? Oh, boy. Sorry, dad. This is too personal for you if you're listening to this. But I wish my parents, I wish my dad had told me a little bit more some of the mistakes he made.
00:31:00
Speaker
I think maybe they were a little scared of the things they did in their past before they were believers, some of the things they did that it would have somehow made me respect them less or look at them in a different way. I wish that I had known a little bit more of the struggles that they had walked through and the mistakes that they had made because I think it would actually help me.
00:31:24
Speaker
But hey, you know, they were doing the best they could. They were trying to show their kids good things instead of bad things. So I don't blame them for that, but I do wish I had known some of that stuff. What is one thing you were told by your father that you use often?
00:31:39
Speaker
um I would say probably what I was just sharing about how great it is being a husband and a father yeah I I use that a lot because it's the same thing even all throughout the church people people have this expectation of like how difficult it's going to be to get married they almost go into it like feeling like they're gambling or something like wow I hope this works I hope this is good
00:32:02
Speaker
And I want to tell them that it can be good and it will be good. And if you trust God that it's a good thing and you fight for it, then it's going to be great. And that's something that my dad gave me. What's one thing you want to tell other fathers? Soak up every single moment you possibly can. Take a lot of pictures and videos.
00:32:31
Speaker
that one weird thing they say that just get it on video. I don't know. I honestly change diapers, lay in bed and snuggle with them, give them baths. Especially when they're little because it just goes, I know this is the cliche, but it's a cliche because it's true. It just goes fast.
00:32:53
Speaker
And it's not that long before you just start looking at him and going, man, you look so old. And so I think about that when I went back to work after having a kid and he's up at one in the morning, he's up at three in the morning, he's up at five in the morning, he's diaper changed. And it would have been so easy to be like, hey baby, can you do this? I got to work in the morning. And I just decided that I wanted to be the one, I wanted to do it. And I was tired at the time.
00:33:21
Speaker
but I have zero regrets because I feel like it's created a closeness with my children that from the start, I didn't wait until they were interesting. And like, well, you know, like as a dad, you always want your kid to be more interesting and more fun and, you know, say my name and walk and like throw a ball. And that's just all gonna come, but I'm so glad that I enjoyed as much as I possibly could the early moments. What do you tell your kids often?
00:33:51
Speaker
Stop it. Man, that's probably true, actually. Like, why are you doing that? I tell my kids I love them all the time. And I hope I'm not wearing it out, but I do. I just tell them I love them. And I try and be really specific as much as I can of things that I love that they're doing.
00:34:21
Speaker
I try and make them feel really special when they do something cool and celebrate it. And I tell them to listen to their mom a lot. Help me out. Treat your mom well so that when I come home, I get a mom who's not depleted. I get a wife who's joyful. Please, please, please help a brother out. I love you.
00:34:52
Speaker
What do you think needs to be talked about more as it pertains to fatherhood? I think the impact of your affection will teach your kids how to be affectionate in life. And I want to give my kids so much of the right kind of affection and attention.
00:35:18
Speaker
And I think dads just don't, I mean, moms are great and there's nothing like a good, I mean, my mom is special and I love her so much. But I think your dad showing you how to have healthy affection is just so important for a son or a daughter. And hugging them and loving them and putting your hand on their shoulder and keeping them close and let them know that they're safe with you.
00:35:47
Speaker
is I don't think it's quantifiable for what that will do for an adult human being. So if you are conscious of how you touch your kids and how you give them eye contact when they're speaking to you and how you value them, you gotta start right away. And I think fathers being affectionate and showing them how to be
00:36:16
Speaker
You know, like the lion with his claws kept in, the velvet and claws. They need to see your strength, but they can't be scared of you. Ooh, that is so good. Do you think there's a lack of fathers and why?
Addressing Absentee Fatherhood
00:36:35
Speaker
Well, any home without a father that we know there's plenty, I would say yes, there's a lack of fathers.
00:36:47
Speaker
And gosh, that why, that's gonna run real deep. I think generationally, I think generational stuff has impacted fatherhood so much. And there's stuff we could point to in culture and society that's like attacking dads and attacking the family. And that is true. I wouldn't say that that's not true because there's definitely plenty of stuff in our current culture and society
00:37:17
Speaker
that attacks families and fatherhood, but way before that, there's been a lot of absent fathers. And I think that some of it is just people, people have been over sexualized and people have gotten pregnant and people have not had a dad around because
00:37:39
Speaker
Maybe they came from a one night stand and they didn't know who their dad is. I know that happens. But I think there's also plenty of situations where dads just leave, can't hang. They feel like they're unworthy. They have a lot of shame. They're super selfish. But there's also a lot of dads that are there, but they're not there.
00:37:58
Speaker
And those are the ones, obviously every one of those situations is completely heartbreaking and is not God's design. But the one that really breaks my heart the most is the one I see where I see dads are there, but they're not there. And they don't feel capable. They don't feel confident. They're caught up in their own stuff. They were told they couldn't do it. They had a dad who didn't show them nothing. And there's plenty of reasons why dads are struggling. And the one thing I want,
00:38:25
Speaker
I would want any dad to know is that you can change that. Yeah. Doesn't matter how far you've gone. It doesn't matter how far down the road you are. It doesn't matter the mistakes you've made. I mean, they matter, but you can change that. Yeah. So good. Because I think that kids, I hear stories of people who met their dad when they were 50 years old. It's like, why would someone want to meet a man that didn't want anything to do with them? Because dads matter. Yeah. So much so.
00:38:53
Speaker
if you're 25 years old or you're 35 years old, you're 40 years old, you're 50 years old and you feel like you've done a bad job as a dad, you can change that. And your kids still need you and they still need to know their love by you. And no matter what mistakes you've made, you could change it. Yeah, so good. What is your hope for your future as a father and what is your hope for your kids?
Wisdom, Humility, and Intergenerational Challenges
00:39:20
Speaker
Well, I hope I keep
00:39:24
Speaker
growing. I hope I keep walking with humility. I hope I have the answers that they need at the right time. I hope I don't get so wrapped up in my own life that I don't see what they're going through. And I hope that I really keep praying for them and trusting God to work on their lives because I know I can't make the decisions for them. And that freaks me out. But my biggest hope for my kids
00:39:54
Speaker
is they know the love of Jesus and they sense his presence in their life at a really young age. And there's never a question in their mind that God loves them and that he's real and that he wants them and that he wants to use them and he wants to bless them. And I don't ever want there to be a question in their mind of that fact and that reality. Sounds okay.
00:40:20
Speaker
Do you think this generation of fathers have things harder or easier than you have been? Oh gosh. Well, it's a funny question because I'm, so I'm, I'm just about to turn 44. A lot of my friends have kids getting married, kids in college. Yeah. I've got a one year old, you know,
00:40:44
Speaker
And so I feel like in some ways, I feel like an older generation, but in other ways, I've got young kids. And so that's a hard question for me to answer because I think that I'm kind of in both camps, I guess I would say.
00:41:03
Speaker
I think in a lot of ways, if we go back a generation, I would say in a lot of ways, I think my dad had it easier because there was less distractions for me as a kid. And so it was a little bit, I think it was a little bit even more so that I wanted my dad's attention and I'd get bored. So I'd go find my dad. There was nothing to do. So I'm like, let's go outside and play. And now there's so much that my kids want to do.
00:41:32
Speaker
Yeah, that's available that I just got to shut it down all the time. You know, like, no, we're not playing video games. No, we're not watching TV. Like let's go wrestle. And so I think in a way it seems easier because there's more ways to keep your kids entertained. Yeah. But I think the long-term fruit of that.
00:41:51
Speaker
could be bad because it's way easier for them to disconnect from you and learn from any of those other places. And so it's harder because you also don't want to be the one dad who's like, doesn't let your kids do anything. Yeah, true. But lately, I've actually kind of been loving when I hear my kids say they're bored. I don't love it, but they're like, I'm bored. I'm like, there's no way in heck you should be bored because your playroom is full of toys. You got books.
00:42:21
Speaker
You got each other. Go use your brain. And I think that I was forced to do that more as a kid. And I know my dad was. So the challenge I think now with dads is knowing how to navigate a world with so many opportunities. Oh, that's good. That's good. What is something you have to say to this generation of men and fathers?
Role of Faith in Parenting Partnerships
00:42:53
Speaker
uh i would say let your father in heaven father you you gotta let god father you and you're not going to be able to be a dad if you can't be a son first oh that is so good jesus that that took me out hold on i need i need a moment of silence that was good right there
00:43:23
Speaker
Say a lot of for the people in the back. I don't think they heard you. You got to be a son before you can be a father. So, so good. All right. And last question. What is something you have to say to this generation of women and mothers? Man. Hmm. Well,
00:43:54
Speaker
This is a tough one because I think we live in a world where women and mothers who are strong and could do it on their own are really celebrated. And I want to be really careful with how I say this because some people are in situations where that is the hand that they've been dealt. And I so respect women and I so respect mothers who
00:44:20
Speaker
who have had to raise their children themselves because I have friends who come up in families like that and I respect those women so much because of what they've had to sacrifice and how hard they've had to work and how they've had to try and be a mom and dad at the same time. I would say to the women and mothers who are not in that situation who have a husband who's a father to their children, I would encourage you to pray for your husbands because
00:44:49
Speaker
We want to be strong and we want to lead. And when we sit alone in our room at night, we doubt ourselves so much. And you wonder, what is the thing I'm doing that's going to screw up my kid? What is the one bad move I make that's going to ruin my kid's life? And so I would say pray for him. And I would say pray together because you got to be a team.
00:45:17
Speaker
The only way to be able to raise your kids well is to be a team. And it's, I mean, this is such a layered question because if you're married to someone who's not doing a good job, obviously you don't just want to be like championing that. But I would say no matter what situation you're in, you can pray for your kids and you can pray for your husband.
00:45:44
Speaker
Yeah. And, um, I mean, that's my answer so much. If I'm feeling frustrated, my kids are feeling frustrated with my wife. It's just like, I'll pray for them because I think in praying for them, God will show you his heart for them. And, and then you'll get, you'll gain an understanding that you would have never gained on your own. That's so true. I can't remember why I heard it, but, um, someone said the moment that you pray for an enemy or for someone you don't like is the moment that you love them.
00:46:13
Speaker
because it is so hard to pray for someone that you don't love. And I'm like, I never thought about it like that. Yep, it's really good. It's really good. There's some beautiful people with that. That concludes this episode. Thank you, Pastor Andrew so much. This was so good.
00:46:28
Speaker
Um, guys, go like, follow, share, go to the website, go to the Patreon, make sure that if this blessed you in any way, that you do not keep it to yourself and you shared with somebody and take this and go change your life, the community and the world. And with that, we'll see you in the next one. Bye.
00:47:04
Speaker
Bye!