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Upcoming Fathers (feat. Alex)
93 Plays2 years ago
In this series, we are digging deeper into current and potential fatherhood. We are peaking through the eyes of several different men, all in different life stages. In this episode, we are interviewing Alex!
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Transcript
Introduction & Expectations of Fatherhood
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome beautiful people, welcome pioneers. We are in season three through the eyes of men, upcoming fathers.
00:00:48
Speaker
And I don't know if you guys have been blessed to hear all of these men talk about what they think fatherhood would be like, but I am starting to think about things that I didn't even think to think about. So it has been such a blessing for me and I hope it's blessing you guys.
Guest Introduction: Alex's Background
00:01:02
Speaker
And on here today, we have Alex. Hey, what's up? Thank you so much for having me. This is like really exciting. About yourself.
00:01:13
Speaker
Yeah, my name's Alex, I'm 24. Currently I'm living in Kansas, working with this paratroacher organization called CRU. So I'm technically like a missionary down here on the KU campus. And then I'm originally from North Dakota and moving back there soon and pursuing music and doing all that sort of stuff. So it's fun. That is amazing. All righty.
Is Alex Ready for Fatherhood?
00:01:35
Speaker
So are you expecting a charter? Do you want one in the future? No, not currently expecting.
00:01:42
Speaker
And I think do I want in the future? I think it's an interesting question. I think that it's I think something that I'm learning more now is Like children and like just like parenthood in general is not something to be taken lightly and so I think it's easy for me to like Theoretically be like yeah, I would I would want a child but like that's not
00:02:03
Speaker
something that's like, you know, I'm not married and I'm not in like a position to have a child right now. So, um, I think that yes, I would want one, but I think that there's like a lot of, I think thought and conversation to be had with, you know, my partner in that and, and what that would look like in the future. But I think like, just like simply like, yes, I think that's something I love to have a child someday. Um, if that's like where the Lord's leading, but I'm also like, I'm not, I'm not so set on it where it's like, if
Weighing the Responsibility of Parenthood
00:02:32
Speaker
for some whatever reason, the answer to be no to that where I would just go ahead with it anyways, because I want to, you know, cause it's like, that's like a new life, you know, like that I would be responsible for. And so I think it takes like a lot of like, at least like thought behind it, like before it's just like a flippant, like, I guess I'm having a child now. So easy answer. Yes, but complicated one. We'll see. You know what I'm saying?
00:02:54
Speaker
You wanna know what's funny? That is my reasoning for not wanting children. I'm like, that is a lot of responsibility that I'm not asking for, ready for, or even want. There are a lot of people who want to be parents and who are capable of being parents and I will pray and support them, but that's not something that I want for myself. Well, I think that it's good to think about that and that's a fine thing to think. I think a lot of people look at that in a negative light, but I actually would rather someone, you know,
00:03:25
Speaker
think about the reality of that and like it is a lot of responsibility and it is something that's like if you're not if you feel like you don't want to be a parent then then certainly don't be a parent you know what I'm saying because you're you along with God are creating this child and the child has no choice in the matter you know they're being born and so like you can choose what kind of parent you want to be but the the child can't choose what parents they have and so like if you if this is something that you don't want to do like I think
00:03:51
Speaker
That's something definitely to think about and like, what will it entail? Honestly, you're never going to know all the things before it happens. Like I can speak all I want about children and how I would do this and that, but I won't know until I get there, you know? And so we can never be fully ready for those things. But I think thinking about what we can control and what we can look forward to in the future and saying, am I, yeah, am I prepared for that? Am I willing for that? I think that's totally a fine space to live in. Yeah.
Relationships and Readiness for Fatherhood
00:04:16
Speaker
Are you married or dating?
00:04:19
Speaker
Not married, I'm dating. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for about six months, and so yeah, she's wonderful. She lives in Minneapolis, and yeah, she's great. Do you think you're ready to be a dad? That's super funny. I don't know. I don't know if you're gonna know the answer to that until it gets there. I mean, I think that I'm more ready to be a dad now than I was a year ago, you know? But I think you probably could always say that, hopefully, if we're growing.
00:04:47
Speaker
I have no idea. I would hope so. Like if all of a sudden I was a dad, I would hope I would be ready in the best I can and like in the areas that I'm not ready, like seek counsel and have people in my life to speak into it. But I don't, yeah, I don't know right now. I don't know if I'll know until it happens. What are you ready and prepared for as it pertains to fatherhood?
Redefining Fatherhood: Love and Responsibility
00:05:09
Speaker
I think the things that maybe have come up recently in my life is just like redefining, I think what,
00:05:16
Speaker
fatherhood looks like it or just parenthood in general of that I am responsible for my child and I love them not because they have done anything to earn my love but because they are my child and I think that like that's been a big thing of just like as a parent
00:05:36
Speaker
um not like you were unaffected by your children but this fact of like I don't need my kids but my kids need me and so that sort of like they are not responsible for me they're responsible to me you know like if I say can you do this they're responsible to me to do that but they're not responsible for me but I am responsible for them and I think like I've learned a lot of that kind of through therapy and I think that that distinction has been big for me and I feel like
00:06:04
Speaker
you know, if fatherhood does come in the future, like, I think that'll be big. And he's honestly like, even my view of God has like, has been, I think a lot more healthy because of that. Like God doesn't need me, but he wants me, you know, and he has things for me to do. And like, that I think has placed my faith in such a more solid place. And so yeah, I think that's kind of something that's been big, kind of a distinction that I hadn't thought of before. So good. What are you unprepared for?
Concerns: Financial and Relationship Stability
00:06:32
Speaker
Oh, man, I think I mean, so much right. I think a big really simple thing is just like, financially, I'm not really in a place where like, that I would I would want to I wouldn't want to say no, if I had a child, like, you know, and so I would want to make sure just like, I'm not like in a career right now. I'm not in a spot where, you know, I have benefits, you know, and so I wouldn't want to not that like, that's always a really, really good reason to say no. But I think for me right now, that's like,
00:07:01
Speaker
things would have to change in my life. And I wouldn't, you know, I would want to be at least have some sort of a plan before I bring another humans world and how I'm going to, you know, support them. And then just, I mean, so much more of my unprepared for I think is a lot of just like, certainly I'm not married right now. Like my girlfriend and I are married. So there's so much between like our relationship, like if
00:07:19
Speaker
you know, if a child would be introduced like that, be completely unprepared for. And I think, like I said earlier, like you're just not gonna know until you get there, I don't think. And so there's probably a lot that I don't even know that I'm unprepared for that I look back after my kids a few years old and be like, man, I didn't, yeah, I wasn't ready for that. So I don't know. All those things, I think probably a lot.
Creating a Stable Family Environment
00:07:42
Speaker
Is your dad in your life and how do you think that will affect your fatherhood?
00:07:46
Speaker
Yeah, so I actually grew up in a split home. So my mom and dad never got married. And they actually both got married to my step parents very early on in my life, like when I was like one and a half and two. And so my dad and my stepfather are both in my life. They always have been. And I think it's been big for me. And also I've had other father figures, like just my grandparents and different people who have mentored me, which has been big. But I think just even coming from that split family, like, I definitely find in myself that I
00:08:16
Speaker
I think I'm very excited if it happens in the future to have like a child that's all mine, you know, and have a sort of a nuclear family to bring them up in. I think like, not that, I mean, I had a great childhood and a family that loves me dearly. And so I'm not complaining, but I think that I'm very excited to give a child if I have one, like a home and it's like a stable place. That's like one thing I think because of like the way I grew up and just like,
00:08:43
Speaker
And even that for me of like, what would that look like to have some of that and some redemption in that. So I think that can be really cool. Um, but yeah, I think there's definitely things just like in parenting styles and different things that when I was raised that will affect me for sure. And trying to like be aware of those things, you know, so that I can see what has been beneficial and maybe what hasn't been beneficial and how can I not pass that down like ignorantly to my kids if I have them. So good.
Openness to Adoption and Father Figures
00:09:12
Speaker
Could you be a father to someone else's child? Uh, yeah, I mean, I think, I think for sure. I think partly, um, you know, I don't know if I'll maybe ever want a biological child. Like I think that's still in the air. Like I, I, okay, I do, but I just think there's a lot in that. So I think that.
00:09:29
Speaker
I do really want kids always. So I think like adoption could be a really just like fostering to adopt or something could be really cool. Maybe someday I think I've had a heart for that for a little bit. And I think that can be really neat. Like certainly my mom had me and my stepdad still married her. And so I think that's like really honorable. And so I, you know, my girlfriend doesn't have a child. And so, you know, that's not the situation I'm in, but
00:09:54
Speaker
Uh, yeah, no, for sure. I think that, and I think that in a lot of ways, like, you know, father to the father list, like all of that, like, I think that we, you know, when we're mentoring people in general, like that's, you know, you're a father figure in those people's lives, whether you're their literal father or not. So for sure. I think that's really important. How many kids do you want?
How Many Children Does Alex Want?
00:10:12
Speaker
They have no idea. I think that's the same question as before. I think I could answer. I think I'd like quite a few kids. If I had them, like three to five maybe, but I really don't have a
00:10:26
Speaker
I think those are those things like when we're younger, it's like, yeah, I want to be married. I want to live this place. I want to live this type of life. I want these kids. And it's like, you just, there's so much I don't know, you know? And, and so I just, I can't, I can't know that. And I think I'm growing more and more like, okay with that.
00:10:44
Speaker
And so, yeah, I don't know. I have no idea. It could be none. It could be many. I think if I'm going to have a child adopted or not, like I think it'd be cool to have at least a few that are in close range of age so that they have siblings that like, you know, I think those relationships are really important. So, I mean, ideally maybe, but who knows? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. How would you handle the death, miscarriage, stillbirth, sis, et cetera, of your child?
Dealing with Loss in Parenthood
00:11:12
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's a great question to come after, question, you know, how many kids do you want? Because that's the thing, right? Like, I can say I want five, but like, what if I'm sterile? You know what I'm saying? Like, or what if, or what if we can't have kids or, you know, like all those things. And so, um, I think there's,
00:11:29
Speaker
I had a good, um, me and my boss were talking, uh, and, and my good friend Braden on a car ride, um, back in October. And there's just a lot of, there's a lot of hurt in this life. You know what I'm saying? There's so much in this life that we can't just silver line that like that it's appropriate to grieve. Right. And that's some of those things. And I think that one of the things that he gave me that one of his mentors gave him was just like,
00:11:53
Speaker
a good comfort, I think in those moments and just like a good outlook is just, it's not supposed to be this way. You know, like this world wasn't made to be that way where there is death in it and suffering, but there is now. And so I think that's a good sort of comfort where it's like, cause it allows you to grief. It allows us to recognize the reality, but also can recognize the hope that's to come. And so I think that
00:12:20
Speaker
Like, in general, how would I handle it? Like, I hope to handle it where I'm, you know, be so tragic, like to be so, so awful. And I've, you know, my there's been a history of that in my, you know, family, like, not like maybe in my biological family, but just like, I have history around that. And like, you know, people that I know and love have miscarried. And it's, you know, it's a really hard thing. And so I think that in general, I hope
00:12:46
Speaker
to when bad things and hard things happen in my life. I hope to be able to work through them and grieve through them and actually sit in that while it's appropriate and not cover it up so that I can move forward and still find hope and trust God through that. That's how I hope I would handle it, but you never know until those things arise. Yeah, very true.
Traditions to Break or Start for Future Children
00:13:09
Speaker
What traditions do you want to break with your kids?
00:13:12
Speaker
That's great. I don't really know. I don't really have, I think since I came from a home that was split, you know, like I was always spending my time back and forth. I don't have like a ton of, I guess, traditions that were like always steady in my life. And so I don't know if I have a whole lot of things. I think just in general, like I think having a stable environment, like that's maybe, I mean, that's,
00:13:42
Speaker
I had a stable environment, I shouldn't say that, but like having a home that's fully together, and that's not like a tradition in my family, you know, it's not like that's a common theme like generations back, but just like how I grew up, maybe that's like one of the things. I don't really know if I have a really good, like other examples of different things that I would do, but I think that for sure, obviously like I would hope that I would.
00:14:05
Speaker
they can, if I'm bringing a child in this world, whether through adoption or biological or whatever, that it would be into like a stable environment that they know that they're loved. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. What traditions do you want to start? That's great. I don't, I don't know. I don't know like, uh, what so many answers to these just, I have no idea. Um, but I think the reason why like specifically for traditions is like,
00:14:32
Speaker
There are things that I want to teach them if I have kids and things I think are important. But I think there's so many different ways to go about that. And I think that's what traditions are for, right? They're for to like pass on memories, to pass on learning moments, you know, and there's different things. I guess there are quite a few traditions. I think about it through my
00:14:53
Speaker
stepdad's family that I really enjoy like every Easter we read the same story and every Thanksgiving we have little things that we say we're grateful for and I think that's really cool so I think I'd maybe continue those things but I think that in general like I think traditions are really special because of the context in which they're formed
00:15:12
Speaker
So like, if the context is my relationship with my children, and we do something that we think is special, and it's like, you know, this is awesome, let's do this every year, or, you know, like, every time I do this, I want to do this, you know, like, every, every time I, I am with my girlfriend, I open the car door for like every time.
00:15:28
Speaker
You know, and so it's like, but that wasn't something that I like necessarily knew I was going to do ahead of time. It just was like, I want to prove to her somehow tangibly, like, I care about you, you're important. And that's a small way for me to do that. And so I think like, I definitely think traditions are cool, and I want to do them. But I think I more so want to be centered on like,
00:15:46
Speaker
What do I want to prove to my kids? How do I want to teach them? And then what can we do that's just naturally arising throughout our life to maybe create those traditions as they come? So that's a cop out of an answer, I think. But that's what I have. So good. So good.
Legacy: Unconditional Love and Resilience
00:16:02
Speaker
What is one thing you want your child to know you for? I think a lot of things. But I think this is one of them. It's just I'm bigger and stronger than them. And I can handle what they throw at me.
00:16:16
Speaker
like I want I want I don't want my children thinking that they have to care for me I would want them to want to care for me but I want them to know that like they can't hurt my feelings they can't you know they can't harm me
00:16:33
Speaker
And I don't need them like you know this whole thing that we think about with God like you can't let God down because you were never holding him up You know like if we think of God as a good father And I think that that's like a good thing of just like my kids can't let me down you know they weren't holding me up I didn't have them or adopt them or whatever because I needed them I did it because I want them and it's my responsibility to care for them and so like they know that
00:16:56
Speaker
Hopefully that they know that my love is unconditional because of those things. You know, it's like, I don't love you because you did X, Y or Z or I don't love you because you know, you look like your mother or whatever. I love you because you're my child and it's my responsibility to do so. And like, so nothing you can do can take that away or change that. And I hope that they find stability like in their relationship with me. And obviously I'm going to make mistakes about that. And I think just like,
00:17:22
Speaker
then want them to also know me that I own up to my mistakes and I, and I, you know, say sorry to them. And I apologize and kind of model that for them. So that would, that's the ideal, right? So we'll see how it goes if it happens. But I think those are some things that like I'm learning that, um, like kids need, uh, and that I would, I would like to them to know me for those things. So good. What do you want to impart on your kids the most? Yeah, I think just like,
00:17:50
Speaker
this is sounds really Sunday school answer, but just their relationship with Jesus. Um, there's a lot of things as, as, you know, there's so many things I would, I would want to teach my kids. It's funny with my job right now, like I'm a missionary, so I'm coaching a lot of different students and there's so much to learn, so much to, I'm like, Oh man, I remember when I learned this, like I want you to know, and you're never going to get to all of it. And I think I would assume it'd only be like that, but tenfold to your children. So there's probably a lot of things, but I think just in general, just like,
00:18:17
Speaker
the things that we talk about, the way that we live, that they would know that Jesus loves them, and so do I, and that they would have a good vision of who Jesus is and who God is through my love for them. And yeah, I would hope that that is something. There's a good Chance the Rapper line in a song that he put out a few years ago, but he's like,
00:18:43
Speaker
Make sure you teach your kids about don't teach your kids about Santa before you teach them about Jesus. You know, like, I just like that. It's like, ah, yeah, like, because there's so many things that we could do. Like, it's like, you know, how do we I just want I want them to know that. So I don't know how to do that. You know, like a child who's like two years old, how do you do that? I don't know. Maybe you start with the praying for them every night so they know that you do that and then they get curious. I don't know. So I think I'm going to ask like, I think my mom did a great job. So I'll probably ask her, but hey, how did you do that with me? You know, but yeah, probably that.
Advice for Future Fathers
00:19:11
Speaker
What do you have to say to other upcoming fathers? Oh, man. I don't know if I have anything. Like, I don't know if I would say you should listen to me is what I mean. Like, because I don't have any expertise, right? Like, I'm not coming from this, like, well, my kids are in college and here's what I've learned. Like, this is all everything I've said is like what I would hope to be without ever, you know, ever experiencing it. But I think that, like, in general, like, it's OK to be imperfect.
00:19:39
Speaker
I think that owning up to where you're at and wanting to grow and wanting to realize where we're at is so important. And I think just time is really, really important, just time spent. And God's given us a pretty cool gift in the design of all this. Your kid is going to be partly like you and partly, if they're your biological children, they're going to be partly like you and partly
00:20:06
Speaker
hopefully, like a person that you're really fond of. And so I think it's like you can take cues from yourself and your spouse, if that's the situation of just like, our kids are probably going to be like this. And, you know, and so what did you need? You know, how do you experience love? And not that like that's exactly how your children is going to be, but it's like,
00:20:30
Speaker
I think that we can learn a lot from our own experience. So yeah, I don't know, maybe something like that. But like I said, I have never experienced fatherhood. So all I could say is good luck. My buddy actually just had his first son this last week. And so I'm so excited for him. And they're going to be great parents. And so I'm excited to learn from them and just get their perspective on it. He's in seminary right now, going to be a pastor. And his wife works with him.
00:20:59
Speaker
Just a disabled home and she she works just wonderfully with them and does like event planning and stuff So they're just they're great people. So I'm excited to learn from them and watch as they do it. So I'm I got a lot to learn so Already bonus questions just oh man Say to this generation of men and fathers Yeah
Exploring Healthy Masculinity and Community
00:21:30
Speaker
If anyone was listening to me, you know, like if people, if I had a platform and people were listening, I think it's like, there's so much, you know, in this, I'm so cool that you're emphasizing fatherhood. Cause I just think that there's so, so much lacking, especially in so many different communities. And I think that like, it's okay to like,
00:21:57
Speaker
explore what healthy manhood looks like. Oh, pause. Wait. Oh, Jesus. That was good right there. I can't even. I don't know yet. No, it's good. It's good. It's hard because there's so much, I think, in the culture right now, there's so much confusion. And when we think about toxic masculinity and there's reality in that, right? But then we also look at, well, what does it look like? And I think that even schooling,
00:22:28
Speaker
you know, it's not really, men aren't really designed to like sit and listen to lectures for, you know, eight hours a day. And so it's like, you know, we have these boys who are, you know, maybe being like misdiagnosed with ADD and maybe they're just like anxious, you know, maybe they're just like antsy and they're boys, you know. And, and so I think that like, um, there's just a lot of things that I think Satan's using to like harm that institution of kind of fatherhood and what it means to be a man. And, and I think that,
00:22:57
Speaker
Like there's so much that I think we can regain. And I think that everyone needs those things, right? Like we all need fathers in our lives. Like we need them to be present. And I think that like we need men who celebrate women and know how to empower them and are confident in themselves. You know what I'm saying? I think that it's so hard to do in just like in a way that we feel like appeases everyone. You know what I'm saying?
00:23:27
Speaker
Uh, I think that it's like, what does it look like to be truly be gentle, truly be like kind. Um, and that doesn't mean weak and it doesn't mean, um, like you're a pushover, like it means there's courage and the strength in being kind and gentle. Um, uh, there's a really old quote, but it's something like, it's better to be a, a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.
00:23:51
Speaker
And I think that like this sort of like, what does that mean to like be capable and be confident and really have security so that you can lift others up and so that you can truly love people and serve them well like Jesus did. You know, that takes a lot of self-confidence to like serve and do it out of a loving place. And so, yeah, I just think that like, if I had anything to say is like, I would look for mentorship, look for connection with people that you see and you respect as men
00:24:21
Speaker
Um, and like, and, and dig into those things. Uh, and yeah, cause I just think that we have so much, uh, you know, everyone has so much to give different roles and in life and where we're at in different seasons of it. But, uh, you know, seeing yourself as valuable and seeing yourself as something that you can give, I think is really cool. Um, and you know, people need you. And so, uh, as we need everyone, you know what I'm saying? And so.
00:24:47
Speaker
Yeah, so maybe some of that, I don't know. That's a great question. And then last question, what do you have to say to this generation of women and mothers?
Acknowledging Women and Mothers
00:25:00
Speaker
Yeah, I'd say, I don't know if I have words. So many of the women in my life, like, I like to think about my mom, like, she's like, definitely the biggest spiritual role model in my life. And just like,
00:25:16
Speaker
You know, you see, you see like colleges or different leadership things and they're being filled with women and that's amazing. Like keep doing that. Like, uh, you know, and my sister's like, I want them to be capable and strong. And so I think that something maybe I'd say is just know that you're loved. Um, know that, uh,
00:25:36
Speaker
like we like everyone needs you to like we like we need fathers we need mothers like we need we need those things we need people in our life to lift us up and and know that like I think from both sides like it's okay to need each other you know it's it's we we do we absolutely do like we're we're you know
00:25:56
Speaker
God said the very first thing is like, it's not good for man to be alone. So he made another person, you know what I'm saying? Like he made, he made us for one another is the very first thing that he said wasn't good was that man was, was lonely. And, and, and so I think that like, um, yeah, I think that like, and not, I'm not even talking in the context of like marriage, I'm saying like friendship, you know, like, or just, just community, like humans being together is so, so important. And so, um, I don't think I can speak specifically to like,
00:26:24
Speaker
mothers or women in general, because I'm not one of, I'm not a woman, I'm not a mother, right? I don't have like advice coming from like my own experience, but just like, um, I think that, and I wouldn't want to come into a space that I'm not like privy to and say, here's how you should do things. You know what I'm saying? Cause I have, you know, I can't, I can't do that. But just, I think that know that like this, cause there's so many, even in my life, man, so many women who,
00:26:51
Speaker
are picking up the slack and doing things alone that they're never meant to do alone. And I think that, you know, keep going. And there's so many people who love you and are so proud of what you're doing and know that like, man, it's okay to like feel like it's, you know, that you're lacking sometimes because you're finite as a person and know that the people that you're sacrificing for are, you know,
00:27:18
Speaker
that everyone's so grateful for you. And so yeah, I just, I think that like, yeah, there's a lot of that in our, I think culture right now. So know that you're seen and like celebrated for sure. Cause I know my life wouldn't be the same if it weren't for the decisions and the guidance and leadership I've experienced from the women in my life. And so yeah, you're needed and thank you for the sacrifice and everything you do. It's incredible.
00:27:49
Speaker
That is so good.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:27:51
Speaker
Well, painters, beautiful people. With that, that concludes the end of this episode. Go to the Patreon, go like, follow, share, go to the website. And if this has blessed you, please share it with someone. Let someone know that, like, hey, this made me think of you, or I feel like you could benefit from this. Just do not be afraid to get the word out. And with that, you guys have a wonderful, amazing week. And I pray you take this and go change your life, the world, and the community. And we say bye. Bye.
00:28:21
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you