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Upcoming Fathers (feat. Tyler)
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In this series, we are digging deeper into current and potential fatherhood. We are peaking through the eyes of several different men, all in different life stages. In this episode, we are interviewing Tyler!
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Transcript
Welcome to Season Three
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome, welcome, welcome, beautiful people. Welcome, pioneers. We are in season three through the eyes of men, upcoming fathers. And it has just been a blessing all of last season, talking to women in this season, talking to men and just digging deep into what people think parenting will be like for them and what parenting is like for some people.
Introduction to Tyler
00:01:02
Speaker
And today we have on here Tyler.
00:01:06
Speaker
Hello, hello, hello. Thanks for having me. No problem. So glad of you to join. Talk a little bit about yourselves. Okay, yeah, so I am 27 and I recently moved back to Spokane, the area back home where my family is. I got my parents here and then my oldest sister.
00:01:28
Speaker
My other sister's out of town, but kind of in and out. So I joined the Air Force out of college, out of WSU. Like, I guess it was like four years ago and started some pilot training, moving around. I was in Oklahoma for just about a year, Alabama, and then New Mexico prior to coming back, got an assignment. And so I'm coming up probably a year out for moving again, but just been enjoying time.
00:01:56
Speaker
back home in Spokane, as they call it. So yeah, it's just been a really good couple years so far. And that's kind of a quick me. I guess a big thing is just my faith.
00:02:15
Speaker
Yeah, and my walk with the Lord and that's been shaping me throughout. I mean college was pivotal for that, but since then even just community in the church and it's been a big part of my life. Yeah. Alrighty, first question.
Desire for Fatherhood
00:02:30
Speaker
Are you expecting a child or do you want one in the future? So I currently have a dog, so I'm a father to a fur baby. I actually love my sisters.
00:02:45
Speaker
But not expecting currently, no. I am wanting to have kids in the future, definitely. I think that's something I've expected and wanted for probably most of my life, honestly. Are you married or dating? I'm not married, but dating, coming up on the year into the relationship. So if that goes well, maybe kids will be, you know, in the future. Do you think you're ready to be a dad?
00:03:15
Speaker
Oh man. Um, I feel like I would be off base if I said yes, I say probably don't feel ready, but I don't know if anybody feels ready. And let's think about that. Like, um, well, I don't feel ready. I think that I am in a place like that, that I could have kids and I could be ready. And I think the Lord like equips as.
00:03:41
Speaker
as we enter into different stages of life. So I think I'm probably close to as ready as I'm going to be. There's always growing to do and there's always like preparation. And I think as I would, if that was like found out, you know, I'm not pregnant or something, I think I would probably read books and get more ready. But I think generally, I guess, compared to most people, I'd say I'm ready.
00:04:12
Speaker
What are you ready and prepared for as it pertains to fatherhood?
Readiness for Parenthood
00:04:16
Speaker
Yeah. I think, as I think like what fatherhood requires, obviously I'm not there yet, so I don't know if I'll fully know until I'm there. But I think commitment is something that has kind of marked my life and the things that I take on, the things that I do.
00:04:36
Speaker
I guess I take seriously and I'm committed to them and I don't take my responsibilities lightly. And so I think in that aspect, the commitment to do it well, even if there's struggles and failures, like I know there will be, the commitment to do better, to figure out how to parent better, to learn from mistakes and to consistently be there through the stick of thin. I think that's a part that
00:05:05
Speaker
I feel ready for it or at least feel encouraged by and think that that could go a long ways. I think I've been getting more ready having nieces and nephews so my sisters have kids and that honestly gets me excited and then sometimes I'm like okay I can wait a little bit so they got yeah my oldest has
00:05:31
Speaker
a boy and a girl and then my next sister has two little boys. So it's just been a lot of fun to hang out with them and kind of get used to being around kids and interacting with them and learning how to interact with them at different ages. So I think
00:05:50
Speaker
I've changed a couple diapers, all right? So I might be ready for that. I've been exposed to just kind of the newborn and young kid life. Yeah.
Concerns and Growth Areas
00:06:04
Speaker
What are you unprepared for? Oh, man. Probably, I don't know. So like, I only get little doses of kids. It's kind of nice, like, you know, the aunt of the life, you get to hang out with them.
00:06:21
Speaker
have fun and then when they get crazy, you just pass them to their parents and the discipline that really is involved in. So I think maybe like how to discipline well and how do you take on the hard parts and behavior stuff and how to deal with and communicate and respond to maybe like, yeah, just
00:06:44
Speaker
the behavior that's not really wanted in the home or the craziness. I think patience maybe. I've heard that time and time like just how much of a patience grower tester kids are.
00:07:03
Speaker
So I think that's something that's probably going to have to grow in me is just the patience of dealing with some craziness and some outbursts. But I think, yeah, I think when the time comes, they'll be growing there. But I see my siblings and their husbands kind of taking on and grow and learn. So I'm encouraged in that.
Influence of Tyler's Dad
00:07:33
Speaker
Is your dad in your life and how do you think that will affect your fatherhood? He is. Yeah. So I feel really, really blessed and thankful to have my dad in my life. He's always been there. And honestly, if he had his way, like all the kids would be posted up on his property building houses and never leaving. Sometimes he has like a tighter grip on us than we might want, but
00:08:01
Speaker
We were definitely, I think, impacted just by his presence and his love and his steadiness in our life. I think that'll definitely impact the way I parent.
00:08:17
Speaker
and wanting to really want to duplicate a lot of things that he's done well and loving consistently and being there and being kind and I think I want him to be a part of my kids life for sure and I know he's
00:08:36
Speaker
Of course, once I've seen him and my mom speak grandparents and love that life and to get babysitters. Yeah, I think that's probably an expectation. It's just ingrained in me on how a parent. Yeah, yeah. Could you be a father to someone else's child?
Adoption and Fostering Views
00:09:02
Speaker
That's a good one.
00:09:06
Speaker
Thinking about it now, I would say yes, but I think that's, that's grown in me. I think early on in college, even like thinking about the idea of adopting or like, um, it's like not as fond of that idea. Like I was excited to have no kids, you know.
00:09:25
Speaker
But I think as I've learned more or been exposed to more or really like honestly the gospel and like the idea of God adopting us and his family, I think I've learned that that's a really, really cool
00:09:43
Speaker
cool example of his love and that's his heart. And so as I've grown closer to him, I think I've grown more and more of the desire, openness, willingness, if you will, to think about parenting someone else's child, adoption down the line, fostering one day. And I know some people are kind of led there if they aren't able to have their own kids.
00:10:10
Speaker
And I know that's not a guarantee. Well, I'm excited to be a father. I'm excited to have my own kids. And I realize like sometimes biology isn't on board with that. And, and
00:10:24
Speaker
and not able to have your own kids, which I think would be a tough thing and tough to think about. But I think that could lead to a really cool opportunity to parent someone else's child and love somebody else's child fully. And I think that can be really, really powerful and healing. So I'm open to that. I think I've been more and more open to that idea.
00:10:52
Speaker
If I'm being honest, I think you're the first one to venture into the, what if I can't have kids? I don't think anyone else has said that. I'm pretty sure they're thinking it, but I don't think anyone else has said that. Yeah. I mean, I think that's a fear and I've seen and been a part and praying for people who are trying and having a hard time, like been in seasons of just waiting and waiting and wanting to have a kid.
00:11:21
Speaker
Yeah, some people are, yeah, I've better luck than others and the timeline's different, but I think the Lord is in that for sure. So just trying to, yeah, not set myself up. I don't know, expectations lately have been a thing I've been thinking about and what kind of expectations I'm building and why. And then if that's setting me up for, I don't know, false hope or.
00:11:51
Speaker
I don't know. But yeah, that's definitely a little bit of a fear of mine. And so I think I'm forced to think about it.
Family Planning Considerations
00:12:01
Speaker
How many kids do you want?
00:12:03
Speaker
I would say so I think my default probably because there were three kids in my family but like three is like you know another I'm used to growing up but I think even like four I'd be open to it definitely depends on the wife as well and then what we're
00:12:25
Speaker
what we're experiencing after one and two. Some people are like yeah we're gonna have five kids they have two and they're like all right we're done. We're done. Or you're looking for two and you have like triplets or something. Oh god. Right?
00:12:40
Speaker
That'd be insane. But I think I would like, yeah, like a couple of kids, uh, I'd love for my kids to, you know, to have like built in friends, uh, in the family. And I think three, three even could be, you know, the one odd out, but three or four, I would, uh, I could see that. How many, how many kids are in your family? Um, so we're all biological, but my brother's my half brother. So there's four of us total. Okay.
00:13:10
Speaker
Nice. Does that feel like a good number? What would you advise for? I wouldn't advise for zero, but that's just because I don't want kids. It's like I had a bad childhood or anything, but it's just a lot of sacrifice and responsibility. And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing at all because I know good things and things that are worth having require sacrificing responsibility.
00:13:38
Speaker
but that's a big one that I'm just not asking for. So it's like- You think that's always been the case? Or is that something recent? Actually, no, this hasn't been recent. This has been pretty much my entire life. It's just, I don't, I just don't- Yeah. And I keep telling God, I'm like, look, if this is a car for me to be a mom, we shouldn't be like Jacob. We're straight for the people. That's just not, I just, I know. Yeah, another one of that.
00:14:08
Speaker
I don't hate kids. I'm not going to lie. I love kids, but I don't want them to be able to love on them, play with them, and pass them back. Yes, please. I mean, I have to feed and clothe them and teach them and like, no.
00:14:24
Speaker
What I say, what I don't say, what I do, what I don't do, what I'm teaching them, what I'm not teaching them. If something the world is going to teach them and what is the world teaching? Does it align with what God is teaching? It's just a lot to think about and to do is a lot of responsibility. And I thank God for the parents who are doing it and doing well. And I pray and support them however I can, but that's just not something that I'm a really big mantle that I just don't want. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's.
00:14:53
Speaker
that's perfectly fine and that's definitely understandable and my god calls us to different things you know so that's cool and that's cool that you get to still like still be a part or like brand and supporting and pouring into like still have a part in you know raising up the next generation um but not have to yeah have to trick the same all righty um
00:15:22
Speaker
How would you handle the death, miscarriage, stillbirths, et cetera, of your child?
Fears of Loss and Faith
00:15:29
Speaker
I think that taps into another figure. Probably one of those other heavier topics, you know. That would be hard. I think there would definitely be a period of mourning that is being, you know,
00:15:45
Speaker
having to take that to God and be like, why? I think that's probably the natural question and the natural response of any parent going through that. Yeah, that's just something that I think it's hard to understand, but I think I've seen people talk about the
00:16:08
Speaker
the responsibility and the demand. I think that only goes up depending, you know, if there's birth defects or whatever it is, obviously like a miscarriage and stillbirth, that would be, that would be a trial.
00:16:28
Speaker
And I know the Lord would be through that. And so I think I'd come out the other side just fine or maybe even better because I know the Lord and he takes bad things and makes them good or uses them for good, even if he doesn't desire them for us. So I think that would be something that would be hard for my wife too. And I can't imagine for the woman to go through that carrying
00:16:56
Speaker
the child. So I think I would probably be thrown into some humility and want to love my life through it well and mourn it, mourn it well and take to the Lord.
00:17:13
Speaker
and get healing from him because I think we would say time is the healer, is a healer. But I think there's certain things that time doesn't do much for. So I think the Lord would have to do some healing and he would strengthen and have hope for the future. But that would be hard. That'd be really hard. It's heavy to think about.
00:17:39
Speaker
in like one of those fears, you know, praying that wouldn't happen. Yeah. But it surprises me hearing like how, how often it happens, you know, more than I think. Yeah, honestly. So yeah, praise God it hasn't, you know, hasn't happened to anyone really close I know yet.
00:18:05
Speaker
That'd be tough. That'd be tough. Do you know some people in your life that have gone through that? Yeah, my mom has twice, I think, and one of my aunts. And actually two of my aunts. Yeah, it's rough. Like, it's crazy. Yeah, that's like... To have this life inside of you and then it's gone, it's like, whoa, that was fast.
00:18:34
Speaker
What happened? Yeah. That'd be tough. Yeah, I'm not really sure. I think it's easier for me to talk about it now, about ideally what it would be like to go through. But I think it's probably harder than I can even imagine and not really sure how it would affect me going through it at the time. So good.
Breaking Stereotypes and Starting Traditions
00:19:03
Speaker
What traditions do you want to break with your kids? So you're getting at like kind of growing up and thinking about my childhood, like what things I wouldn't want to do or duplicate. Yeah. OK. I don't know if I think of too many or it's like, oh, I don't want to do that. But maybe things that I wish were there, which might go into that kind of the next
00:19:32
Speaker
I think that's a tough one. I think maybe just like the, you know, what I
00:19:54
Speaker
What I kind of like teach my kids about like, I think especially like a son, I guess, because I relate more to that. Um, I've just like what it means to be a man or like being able to be, be sensitive or like have feelings or like communicate feelings or. Well, it's so good.
00:20:18
Speaker
you know, enter into that area, either like communicating that or expressing affection more or I think yes, any of like, you know, my sisters and me, like we're super aware of our dad's love for us. But I think he was raised as like a, you know, country guy, farm kid out in the country.
00:20:43
Speaker
You know USA America farming and the church and everything. But there's that there's that I know what I would call it and what I would describe it as. I think.
00:20:59
Speaker
My mom probably called it out of me, probably in high school or something, where she straight up told me one time, she's like, you're not a country boy, you're not a cowboy. And I think because she recognized me clinging to identities that aren't rooted in the Lord. And so calling that out of me, like, you aren't this. And I was like, probably reacted poorly at the time. But not wanting to give,
00:21:30
Speaker
any or teach or demonstrate identity that's not, I don't know, informed by the word or I don't know. I don't know what that, I think
00:21:52
Speaker
I think I have like a, I don't think of anything negative, you know, that was taught. I think just wanting to demonstrate like affection to my kids, you know, verbally, verbal affirmation and affection to my wife and not be afraid of vulnerability and teach them vulnerability. I think that's something I have to learn in college, like in community, like Christian community is where I learned that.
00:22:15
Speaker
in college. So that's probably something I'd want to break, like the mantra of to be a man is to not express a lot of feelings or anything like that. Sorry, that was a long, hard, roundabout answer. I think I'm still processing that a little bit. No, you're good. That was so good. What traditions do you want to start or continue?
Spiritual Leadership and Family Values
00:22:43
Speaker
I think there's a lot to come to mind and I want to continue probably like time, just like time spent with my kids. My dad was really good about like taking me hunting or fishing with them and our projects around the house, working on cars, working, working on, on building things around the house, renovations, whenever I was, I was always a part of that and helping them out at home.
00:23:10
Speaker
My mom reminded me of a time I took off school in elementary school just so I could help them build the chicken coop or house. Perfect attendance prior to that. I'll throw it in there.
00:23:26
Speaker
Just the one-on-one time. I know that's, I forget who was telling me that, that that's like love language of children is like so much of it is time. Like spending a lot of time with them communicates to them, you know, that they are important, that they're valued and that you love them. And then I think that's opportunity to just be able to parent in conversations and teach and just have fun with your kids too. So yeah, I want to like,
00:23:56
Speaker
I want to take them out and teach them things and spend time with my kids. I think of what I'd want to start probably is more focused on spiritual leadership in the home.
00:24:15
Speaker
Like I don't know, I want to want to leave my family in that of whether it's like studying together, talking, just talking about more together and what we're learning or what we're seeing and experiencing just that relationship with them. And I guess just leading at home.
00:24:36
Speaker
I think I want to continue the tradition and the importance that my parents had of church. Like that was a priority. And it's honestly like a place that I enjoy too. So it wasn't like I felt like I was drugged there, but I could see it as a priority in the home. And I knew like watching them, like how important it was in their life. So I think that's something that was naturally kind of ingrained in me.
00:25:04
Speaker
the importance of pursuing the Lord. So yeah, I think I'd want to dream and talk through a traditional life too and like build that in the family. And as we like come up with, you know, traditions we want to have or what it looks like for us to pursue the Lord at home and our family, then just to lead out in that. Yeah. So good.
Legacy of Love and Faith
00:25:31
Speaker
What is one thing you want your child to know you for?
00:25:34
Speaker
Hmm, probably a good mustache. I got a mustache right now, oh my god. Mustache? No, for real though, I think probably just to re-hit it again, but love for the Lord, I think. I would want them to know me most for that. I'd like to see
00:26:00
Speaker
a deep, passionate relationship with the Lord. And I would pray that that would lead them to a hunger and a desire for Him too. But if I could be marked by that, then I think I would be parenting well, if nothing else. That's so good. What do you want to impart in your kids the most?
Promoting Empathy and Community
00:26:30
Speaker
I think that would probably go along. I guess I won't answer the same because I love that the most. But that's probably given that the last one I would say to see
00:26:48
Speaker
to see and consider other people and to love other people like I don't know like this world this is a lot about self yeah I think our nature has a lot about self and so if I could instill in them um considering other people and like considering I don't like flipping and stells us to consider other interests others interests above our own um and I think that's hard to do and that like
00:27:16
Speaker
even today like it's hard for me to do but if I could if I could instill that in them I think that would that would make a big impact in the world and like impact on other people and them just going out into the world and being a light like to love and consider other people um yeah.
Advice for New Fathers
00:27:39
Speaker
What do you have to say to other upcoming fathers?
00:27:45
Speaker
I would say probably to not take it lightly. I think to consider the why why you want to be a father. I know like that can be a desire like I want to have kids. But I think recognizing the responsibility that it would bring
00:28:14
Speaker
but to just affirming the value in it, that it's not secondary to a good career. It's not secondary to enjoying hobbies. It's a worthy call. And is that something that they want? Heck yeah, that's awesome. But to just give it your all and stick it out and learn.
00:28:43
Speaker
you know, and learning and keep growing and keep, keep learning how to do it better because there's no perfect, no perfect father out there. And so, yeah, prepare, I guess, prepare the best you can and seek the Lord in it.
00:29:03
Speaker
I think it's hard to do anything apart from the Lord. And there's a lot of people out there that don't necessarily believe or pursue that. So I think that's my biggest encouragement or call to pursue the Lord in that. And I think he leads us where we ought to go and how we ought to go. All right, bonus questions.
Valuing Women's Role
00:29:28
Speaker
Oh, shoot.
00:29:29
Speaker
All right, first one, what do you have to say to this generation of men and fathers? To this generation, I would say,
00:29:47
Speaker
I would say that it's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to fail and I think it's expected and it's okay to admit that and apologize or admit falling short.
00:30:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's okay to not be, to have it all together. It's okay to not feel like you're doing it all right. Like be present, be there. Don't, don't give up. Um, because ultimately like our,
00:30:21
Speaker
are doing well or like our performance, I think more so is just being there and keep trying and not giving up on the people around you, whether it's your kids or your friends or your family, yourself, like give grace to yourself and what you're doing and what you're feeling called to because the Lord gives it freely. I think we ought to as well.
00:30:51
Speaker
And then last question, what do you have to say to this generation of women and mothers? I want to say like I'm echoing like the typical what you hear on mothers versus fathers day. Challenging the fathers, encouraging the mothers, but really like
00:31:12
Speaker
and that they are so valued and loved and so needed. Even with my own mom, I think it's easy to look back and be so thankful for who she's been in my life and at the time, not being thankful at the time, not showing appreciation at the time, like being a little brat, but looking back, being so thankful for her love and for her
00:31:43
Speaker
just dedication and kindness like yeah that you are you are loved deeply and that you are you're needed and valued
00:32:00
Speaker
Well, with that, beautiful people, that concludes the end of this episode. Tyler, thank you so much for being on here. Thank you. It was so good. Thank you so much for having me. And guys, go check out the website, check out the Patreon, go to the Instagram, like, follow, share. If this blessed you in any way, please be sure to share it with someone. And with that, you guys have an amazing, wonderful day and we'll catch you in the next one. Bye. See ya.
00:32:31
Speaker
you.