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Silent Grief in Adoption: Unpacking Tears and Healing
23 Plays1 month ago
Why are we afraid of our children's tears in adoption? Let's dive into the often-overlooked emotional journey, transforming grief into healing through validation and love. Discover how to be a true safe haven for adoptive children.
Monica shares her transformative journey as a young traveler who found more than just adventure in Peru. Discover how a trip to help children at risk turned into a profound encounter with God, sparking a quest for identity and purpose. #PauseAndThink
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Transcript
Introduction of Podcast and Hosts
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
00:00:22
Speaker
Hi, and welcome to our podcast Pause and Think. My name is Jackie Darby. And I am Aisha De Lopez and we are in Guatemala City. But by the miracle of technology, we are able to connect with friends are around
Guest Introduction: Monica Martin
00:00:38
Speaker
the world. And we're so excited today that you get to meet one of the favorite additions that we have in our lives recently.
00:00:46
Speaker
ah through the work that we do for the Lord ah via ACH which is Christian for Orphans in Latin America and we'll talk a little bit more about that support group and how it came to be and how this beautiful guest of ours joined in what it's meant for her life. But let me introduce Monica Martin, or in Spanish it would be Monica Martin. beden She was born in Spain, a missionary to Latin America for more than 15 years. She's a wife, a mother, biblical counselor, and daughter by adoption.
00:01:23
Speaker
Monica and her husband and beautiful family currently reside in Bolivia and so we're just thrilled that this came around and they were actually this is a dream come true for us to have you on and to Just chat about what the Lord is doing in your life and through your life. It's been Amazing to watch and we're just so confident in what the Lord is really doing In you and through you and it's beautiful to see you blossom. So welcome Monica thank you Thank you for having me.
00:01:57
Speaker
Well, we are so excited, like Aisha said, to have you here with us. We have seen God work in your life, and now he's working through your life, and we're reaping the fruit of that through your story. So Monica, I would love to have you share um your story, your adoption story with our listeners today. And go ahead, just start and start sharing your story, please.
Monica's Early Life and Adoption Story
00:02:27
Speaker
Well, um I was um born in the late 80s in Spain and my biological mother was really sick because she was an addict and I was born sick as well.
00:02:43
Speaker
so she couldn't take care of me and I ended up in an orphanage and because I was a sick baby I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and in that hospital there was a couple who worked there and they got to really know me and really know my my case And they ended up adopting me when I was five. But um ah in my teen years,
00:03:17
Speaker
um there I had a really really difficult time because I had a lot of questions without answers. And that made me ah with a lot of anger.
00:03:35
Speaker
And it was a really difficult moment for me and for my adopted parents. And I decided to leave home. And I was 16 at the time.
Journey in Peru and Spiritual Path
00:03:51
Speaker
And for a year and a half, I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted and what I need.
00:04:04
Speaker
I was not doing very good in answering all the questions by myself. So until I had the opportunity to travel to Peru when I was 17, 18, and I went to work with children at risk. And during that time, I served at a children's home and I had in that time an encounter with God. And that was my starting point to really answer the question of who am I? And while I was serving as a missionary in Peru, I met a family and who adopted me
00:04:49
Speaker
and in their hearts. And now I can say that I'm also part of that family. So in my life, I've been through three adoptions, I will say. The first one, when I was a baby. The second one, when I was a teenager.
00:05:08
Speaker
And the third one, when I was like a young adult and I met with my father, Kat, so I can have that three stories. Yeah, and you say it so effortlessly, but it's definitely not an easy story.
Search for Identity and Adoption Story
00:05:26
Speaker
And the fact that you were five, I mean, the interval but between you being born to a a very, you know, problem,
00:05:36
Speaker
laden mom and having gone through so much hospital time and adults coming and going in your first years of life and then finally arriving to a family, it's not like they revealed an adoption to you. huh Like you always grew up with that as part of you who you were. ah So what what role do you think truth played in in your story because I think there's a lot of lack of truth. um Like what you're describing as a search, you had a very intense search inside of you about, you had questions. you It was clear that you were adopted, but the questions, what did they revolve around mostly?
00:06:28
Speaker
Well, as you say, I always knew that I was adopted because I was adopted when I was five. But um ah sometimes we put a lot of and effort or a lot of focus on the adoption, but not in the story behind the adoption. And I know I was adopted, but I didn't know ah about What happened? Why was adopted? The story behind that. So when I was 13, I was able to talk to my adopted mother and ask her because I really wanted to know and what happened because I was always reading books and watching movies and dreaming about
00:07:24
Speaker
I may be a family member from Morocco that she would came and save me or a brother. or I don't know. I was always like dreaming about somebody that would come and pick me up and tell me that they are my family and there's a big family waiting for me or something like this. So I asked her,
00:07:52
Speaker
And she couldn't tell me a lot.
00:07:58
Speaker
But what she ah told me told me was um really sad for me and because I couldn't fix it. There was nothing that I could do to fix it. So I had information, but I couldn't do much with it.
00:08:19
Speaker
So that made me really angry and I thought it was really unfair because I couldn't play a role in it. The story was destroyed and it really affects me, but I couldn't do anything about it. So that made me really angry at the time.
00:08:40
Speaker
Wow. So you were able to have a conversation with your adoptive mom. I believe you said when you were 13 because there was something inside of you who you wanted to understand your story. You wanted the truth about your story.
00:09:00
Speaker
And so in the things your mom was able to express with you, it created all these emotions, anger, sadness, different motions emotions in you. And so my question is, in those emotions, and in hearing The truth, you know you know what your mom knew, not that she knew everything, but she did know some things. Do you feel that that all played in with you having a struggle somewhere in those years with your identity or your worth? Yes, definitely.
00:09:41
Speaker
um Now I can say that I still sometimes struggle with it.
Spiritual Growth and Finding Worth
00:09:49
Speaker
It's not like something that it's all fixed in me. But my progress, my little progress every every day is my victory, no? Knowing that I'm working on my worth and my identity makes me feel that I'm making a headway. At this point, I know that I'm a daughter of God and that my worth is in Him.
00:10:18
Speaker
I know it in my mind and that truth is traveling towards my heart one day at a time. Like, and can I just jump in and ask you because you had mentioned you had that encounter ah with the Lord. Was that your turning point?
00:10:43
Speaker
It's part of that. But I think that my really turning point is one night that I was in Peru working at a ah the children's home. And I spent the nights with the little girls to watch them and taking care of them when they were um sleeping. And one night there was a girl crying very loudly.
00:11:13
Speaker
And I remember that when I went to hold her and I asked her what what was wrong, she told me that she was very grateful for the help she was receiving from us. But she also was sad because she really miss her mom. So in that point, I realized, and I was maybe 20,
00:11:41
Speaker
that it's okay to have both and be grateful and and have gladness and as well sadness and anger.
00:11:52
Speaker
And understanding that was um being able to talk to God about the things that I was hiding. And that was my turning point, to accept it and bring it to God and let him enter to that really dark place.
00:12:13
Speaker
Yeah, I think you touch on a very important part of um the experience for both the kids in adoption and the moms, especially in moms and dads. I would think i would think that the number one topic that ah that we see in our chat with parents for adoptive parents, the support group, the number one fear is I if I reveal what I know, it's going to wreck everything. Like it's going to be a wreck. It's going to it was going to happen. It's going to fall apart. So what you're saying, if we leave the story there and we leave it there, we we might just get that response and say, OK, so it's better never to say anything.
00:13:00
Speaker
but we are big advocates in even if it's this rough patch which you're talking about 13 through 20 so that's quite a bit but when we are what we're saying we're venturing and saying it's worth it that mess is worth it because your mom even if it was the hardest thing she ever did, told you what she knew. And and we can't help the powerless. like the The feeling of being powerless for you is matched for us. like We feel powerless.
00:13:37
Speaker
as parents. to to like We want to hold it back. We want to avoid it. And and we avoid it for ourselves. um i mean i I have to be truthful and say sometimes I feel selfish because I don't want to deal with it. It's hard. Having an angry teenager all the time in your house is really hard.
00:13:57
Speaker
and Adolescence is hard as is. But this is just a different mix. So um what did your parents, adoptive parents, you think did right, like got right, something that was redemptive in your life, even in the midst of that mess and that you decided to pick up and leave? Because that's a very scary part, but we want to show people Like there's some parts that you are now telling us it's both. It's gratefulness and it's and it's brokenness and pain. So it's both.
00:14:36
Speaker
um Well, I have a a really special memory with my adoptive parents. who are It's when I got married.
00:14:48
Speaker
oo Because um that day, for a woman, it's really special. But for me, um my biological brother came from Spain to Berlin. Wow. And that day, my father and my biological brother walked me down the aisle. And I put I was able to watch my husband dance with my mother and my siblings celebrating with my husband. And that that image it made me realize that as a family, we have been through a lot, but we are a family that welcomes others and girls. And that means that we have learned the concept of adoption in all its forms.
00:15:43
Speaker
so that it's what I embrace from my family. That's very hopeful for me. I'm in a very you know tough spot as we speak. And so to envision ah you know that very redemptive scene is beautiful, very beautiful. And it may not play out in a wedding. It may be some other you know, high point or important, um you know, pivotal moment in life. But still, it's just a beautiful glimpse of what the Lord is able to do with all the brokenness in the parents, in the children, in the biological family. I think it was a very healing, ah and you know, just event in your life and all of your your lives.
00:16:29
Speaker
um And it brings me to how important it is for us as parents
Adoptive Parents' Role in Grief and Lament
00:16:35
Speaker
to to be a safe place for lament. I don't think we talk enough in adoption circles about the importance of allowing our kids to lament, to actually cry for what is right. They have lost so much. Your questions, your powerlessness is real. And so how can adoptive parents become safer places?
00:17:02
Speaker
if or safe if they're not being safe places for our children to just break down and acknowledge the pain. Well, um I think that sometimes when we see somebody that we love and we care a lot crying,
00:17:25
Speaker
It's like they push a button and we want to respond and do something about it so they don't cry anymore. And that is received like the my tears move are frightening. There's something in my tears that are not good, that they have to, you know, and clean it up. So responding to grief with validation and love,
00:17:55
Speaker
In my story, I felt that I could not cry because adoption is supposed to be about gratitude and celebration. So I would have needed adults to rebuild a healthy narrative of my grief with compassion and hope that they will not be frightened of my tears.
00:18:20
Speaker
That is so powerful. I think Jackie has so much to add to that. Oh my goodness. That's so good. I just really appreciate you saying that because um we hear so many times that from us adoptees that When we get to the point we want to express it and if we show tears or anger or feelings, that makes the other person very uncomfortable.
00:18:53
Speaker
I understand that because I'm a mom, not of adopted kids, but it does make me uncomfortable. I admit that. But it's a challenge to me as a parent that we need to validate our child's emotions. And especially in the area of adoption, there's just another layer of emotion, of pain and trauma that when God brings it to the top to surface,
00:19:22
Speaker
we should be that safe place to listen and validate and show compassion like you said. And so I really appreciate all that that you shared You've shared so many, so many amazing points.
00:19:42
Speaker
um And lastly, um we met through our support group, um through our support group in Latin America, a ministry from at from Asiachi, Christian Alliance for the orphans,
00:19:58
Speaker
Um, during 2020, when, you know, the whole world shut down, but God allowed us to start the support group for adult adoptees and Monica, you have been such a strong voice oohoo brings tears to my eyes because I've seen you grow so much and come out of your shell.
00:20:22
Speaker
sharing your story little by little with us and being very vulnerable and I so appreciate um everything that you've shown taught me. um I know you're a build biblical counselor now. You're a very wise woman. um Not only have you been educated but you speak from the heart and so I know you have a lot to share, but what is something, um, what is something you could share with our listeners? How has our group helped you even as an adult process? Um, all that you've been through, even as an adult, cause I remember you first shared in the very beginning how, you know,
00:21:09
Speaker
I'm still not completely healed, basically. But that's why we have this support group for us to process and walk through our adoption stories. How has our group um helped you in this process?
Support Groups and Healing for Adoptees
00:21:24
Speaker
Well, um for me, adoption always was like something that described me like I have brown hair, I'm adopted. Okay, that's it.
00:21:37
Speaker
And I didn't like go inside my story in a profound way and see what that really means for me and for my story that I'm adopted. And in that group, I was able to do that journey and not do it alone, do it with other people that has been for through a story similar as mine. And I realized that I found the ah power of what God has made in my story.
00:22:22
Speaker
because when I start speaking and talking about and sharing about my grief and the things that I don't understand and the things that sometimes I'm ashamed of and I don't know how to say it and to whom and then realizing that there's people are around me that they understand exactly what I'm saying maybe in a different way but they know what I'm saying and then having ah the opportunity to walk with God and answer the question for me as an adult, like what does it mean for me and my story to be adopted? And it's been really healing for me to find this group.
Encouragement for Sharing and Joining Support Groups
00:23:12
Speaker
That's wonderful. We are so glad. we We have seen the Lord answer so many prayers to that through that group. And we want to know if there are any be us um English speakers that do attend Christ-centered adoption support groups. Let us know in the comments. Let us know in the webpage. Look for the way to you know share your story because we want to No, we want to connect people. We want this to be a community where you are not alone. And if you're a Spanish speaker or you know somebody who speaks Spanish, give us a ah you know your story as well, because we want to we want to connect you to Corazones, Fertiles, if you are a ah parent, which you know we have that network throughout Latin America, and we have the support group for adult adoptees,
00:24:07
Speaker
That's in Spanish, um but we want to really connect you and hear your stories. And if you know about English speakers that are connected through very healthy gospel-centered ah support groups, let us know as well. And um yeah, nobody needs to walk alone, and nothing needs to happen. And we are so thankful, Monica, that you were willing and brave enough to come on and share your story in English.
00:24:38
Speaker
I did an amazing job and I know that your words are going to bring hope and encouragement to any listener, whether you're an adult adoptee or whether you're a parent. And so that's why we have this podcast, Pause and Think, just to take time and to hear other stories so we understand that we're not walking alone. So thank you for joining us today. yes And we look forward um to our next episode of Pause and Think.