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"From Abandonment to Adoption: Pastor Sandra’s Powerful Journey of Healing & Hope"
15 Plays2 days ago
In this deeply moving episode of Pause & Think, hosts Aixa and Jackie welcome Pastor Sandra from Church of the Crossroads in Laredo, Texas, to share her powerful testimony. Abandoned at birth and adopted through the Texas Cradle Society, Pastor Sandra opens up about her early life filled with trauma, including abuse and the pain of multiple father figures. She reflects on how her adopted mother’s unwavering love and faith in God planted the seeds of purpose and identity.
Pastor Sandra discusses her journey from brokenness to boldness—becoming a missionary, a leader, and later an adoptive mother herself. Despite facing the unimaginable grief of losing her son to addiction, she powerfully testifies to God’s relentless fatherly love and the spiritual significance of adoption.
This conversation unpacks themes of identity, healing, the spirit of adoption, and how churches can embrace and teach the biblical reality that we are all chosen and adopted by God through Christ.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think' Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
Introducing Pastor Sandra, the Special Guest
00:00:22
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to Pause and Think. This is our podcast with Aisha and myself, and we're here today just to have another real conversation regarding foster care and adoption.
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Speaker
And today we have a very special guest all the way from Laredo,
Personal Connections with Pastor Sandra
00:00:40
Speaker
Texas. Yes. yeah I had the great privilege of meeting Pastor Sandra last fall at her beautiful church named The Crossroads.
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And we were able to go there, Aisha, and do a women's conference um on the whole um subject, the spirit of adoption. Yes, it was quite a privilege. And for me, it was ah an extra treat.
00:01:06
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Because I've known Sandra for almost 30 years now, which is amazing. Like, how does that even happen? um So we met back in the 90s when I was actually actually dating.
00:01:22
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And you were a preacher. You were a, you know, ah a very loved name in the house. And you came over to youth conferences and stuff. And I always looked up to you.
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And we developed a kind of mother-daughter relationship. And you carried me through some of the darkest days of my early motherhood. And um and you know Thinking back, ah you guys were my first contact with adoption, like your own story, your own testimony, and then...
Pastor Sandra's Adoption Story
00:02:02
Speaker
your motherhood and then your, the loss of Dustin, had a deep impact in the way I mother. And so it's been like a lifelong relationship that I cherish. And it was quite a privilege to serve the women that gathered at Laredo church of the crossroads. And one of the, you know, distinct, uh, beautiful,
00:02:29
Speaker
ah you know, attributes I see around you is you gather other leaders, other women. And I so value that, that there's no competition in between the churches. And that was beautiful to watch. And of course, the fact that we got to just marvel at the but conference whole theme of spirit of adoption was crazy, was amazing to us. It just flowed so beautifully.
00:02:58
Speaker
And so the fact that you and your story, um have shaped the community, I believe, ah has everything to do with what we were going to talk about today.
Overcoming a Traumatic Childhood
00:03:12
Speaker
So thank you for your time and for just opening up your heart again but with us.
00:03:18
Speaker
And um I would like for the people listening to get to know you a little bit and just tell us like highlights of your story as an adoptee.
00:03:31
Speaker
Well, thank you for inviting me, giving me this opportunity. I've just recently fallen in love with Jackie. Okay. But you have been, Aisha, my adopted daughter. I'm your Texas mom for many, many years. And I treasure i treasure you. I treasure your children. I treasure your life and ministry.
00:03:54
Speaker
But as far as myself, um I was born and in a hospital in San Antonio, Texas, and I was abandoned. I've been given many stories that my biological mother died giving birth. My biological mother walked out of a hospital and left me there.
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My biological mother turned me over to the Texas Cradle Society for adoption. i heard all kinds of stories, but I don't know what the truth is. The truth... that I do know is that I was turned over to the Texas cradle society from the hospital and I was adopted by a beautiful couple who were my adopted parents.
00:04:35
Speaker
They later divorced in a really traumatic moment for my life because the judge gave my mother full custody, which was a God thing, but I never saw my ah adopted father again. i was five years old when that happened.
00:04:51
Speaker
And, um, Then I went on with my mom. She got married, I think, oh five more time four more times after that.
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Speaker
So by the time I was 10, I had gone through five father figures, and my adopted father and and four stepfathers.
00:05:12
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Some of them sexually abused me. And others just didn't pay any attention to me. And my adoptive father, I i never saw again. So there was a sense of abandonment, I think, that began in me from the time I was in the womb.
Missionary Work and Fearlessness
00:05:28
Speaker
And I wasn't conscious of it. I wasn't aware of it. And... um My mom was always, my adoptive mother was all I've ever known as a mother. She was always so sweet to tell me I was chosen, that she chose me.
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She didn't have to have me, that other people would get pregnant and they had to have that baby. But she chose me. And I grew up with that sense of specialness.
00:05:55
Speaker
I think that kind of counterbalanced the the deep abandonment route that I was not even aware was there. All right. Then my mother and i ah my mom had a Damascus Road supernatural experience with God at the end of her last divorce and was called as a missionary into Mexico.
00:06:21
Speaker
And then shortly after, um the Lord appeared to me, and i received him as my Savior. And when I was about 12 years old, I guess, we went to Mexico. And I was raised by faith.
00:06:36
Speaker
um We didn't have hardly anything at times. We didn't have food. We were just beginning a ministry, and our ministry was to the garbage dump people, to the people on the street.
00:06:49
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I ministered to the street children with my youth group, and I was raised in that, which put me many times in the line of danger, but
00:07:02
Speaker
since I didn't have a protective father to say, oh, no, she can't do that, I was just, I just grew up taking risks and um going where angels fear to go.
00:07:16
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And that followed me throughout my my vocation and calling in God was to go to the unreachable people, whether it was behind the Iron Curtain or in the jungles or wherever it might be.
00:07:28
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In the Watts riots in California, I was just, I, I acted better. I felt more comfortable. I was able to release my gifting better if I was under stress, danger, and risk.
Healing and Embracing Identity
00:07:47
Speaker
And that's sad because you don't want to live your whole life that way. There has to be a place of security and peace and and that you don't have the weight of the future on your shoulders.
00:07:58
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And so that was a process that God had to lead me in throughout my lifetime. That's my background. Now I'm very blessed and very prospered, but it took God working in my life to get me to where I could embrace my prosperity.
00:08:19
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So, yes. so Well, Pastor Sandra, I stand amazed and I'm so intrigued. I got to hear your story in full for the first time when we came to minister with you at your women's conference last fall.
00:08:36
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And oh my goodness, your story has so many facets to it as an adopted child and all the trauma that you went through from several divorces um that that you walked through with your mom to the point of accepting Jesus.
00:08:53
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And then how you talk about the danger going onto the mission field with your mom and from living in in somewhat poverty to being in very extreme, um dangerous situations where you ministered, we can so see how the hand of God, your heavenly Father, has been on your life.
Impressions from a Women's Conference
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And today we see you sitting in your beautiful office. We got the privilege of seeing you minister, um just life to the women um at your church and the other leaders. That's what that really ministered to my heart.
00:09:35
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All the different other pastoral women who came and who are like your spiritual daughters who you're just pouring into today. So um because we just recently got to ah meet each other, I'm seeing all the fruit.
00:09:52
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But I understand that You know, healing is a process and I'm seeing the fruit of today, but that doesn't negate what you've walked through, through the many years from, from like you said, the rejection in the womb throughout your childhood years, teenage years up to you know, where you're at today, which leads me to a question um because we're talking about foster care and adoption, you know, is there a specific time in your life,
00:10:25
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ah that you can share with the viewers or those listening, um a time in your life that you can think back to where you really struggled with your worth and identity?
Struggles with Worth and Identity
00:10:40
Speaker
I can't say that there's one specific moment. But I think that because my mother put so much love focus on me, I always felt quite secure as long as mother was around. If mother was there, we would make it, okay? Because even on the mission field, my mother knew how to touch God and hear from God.
00:11:01
Speaker
So we would make it. So I didn't live in a lot of fear. And as i got older um and was off on my own, i think that...
00:11:13
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I had, i think i I made some big mistakes in my life because I was looking for a dad. i was looking for someone to protect me, to cover me, but I didn't realize that's what I was doing.
00:11:27
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And, and then when God just gave me a big overhaul and sent me out to, to minister and form my own life and my own calling, um,
00:11:40
Speaker
I developed such a tight relationship with God that I no longer felt the loss of a father. In fact, at one point I had a psychiatrist come to our church probably 40 years ago and do a marriage retreat.
00:11:57
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And he gave us an evaluation. And my evaluation of the father's presence in my life was the highest of anyone in the room, but it was my heavenly father.
00:12:10
Speaker
And I can remember feeling jealous thinking i have no interest in knowing who my biological parents were. I don't need them. I have a heavenly father.
00:12:22
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I have the best father there is. And I was kind of like jealously protective of him. Like I didn't want to share that role with anyone else. But then after that phase, the Lord began to deal with me.
00:12:35
Speaker
Identity, yes. I can remember
00:12:41
Speaker
feeling as a child when I was sexually abused that this happened to me because I'm not worth as much as the little neighborhood girl who has a mommy and daddy would never let this happen.
00:12:54
Speaker
She's worth more. I remember having that feeling and the feeling of of not being as worthy as other people, the feeling of not being,
00:13:08
Speaker
I guess it's identity, the feeling of abandonment. Even after I got married and I was 34 when I got married and I'd been in ministry, traveled many nations of the world preaching, successfully.
00:13:25
Speaker
um On my honeymoon, I started having dreams of him leaving me. So it was down deep inside. I didn't consciously live with it, but down deep inside it was there. And so it has been a process of the Lord healing me.
00:13:42
Speaker
He's been patient with me and I had no option but to be patient with him because God for me didn't rehaul me on a weekend.
00:13:55
Speaker
it It's taken a lifetime. I'm 83 years old and I'm just now beginning to Do really feel like kind of whole?
Adopting a Son and Trials of Addiction
00:14:05
Speaker
You know, so, so that it has been a process of finding my identity in him. But see for so long, i lived on the energy.
00:14:17
Speaker
Of my being special. Because mother put that in me. Day by day. Day by day. You are not like other people. You are very special. God has his hand on you. You are called. You're going to do great things. There's no one like you.
00:14:32
Speaker
okay You're beautiful. You're smart. You're talented. It was poured into me. i felt I felt more special than other people. So that kind of was like a false armor that kind of protected me to be able to accomplish things.
00:14:48
Speaker
But then as I grew in Christ, I realized a few decades later that everybody's special. Yeah. And so I had a little hiccup there to learn and appreciate the value of everyone. And everybody being special didn't make me less special.
00:15:06
Speaker
I'm unique. They're unique. And so I had a period of time where I, and it's so comfortable to know. that I'm not the smartest person in the room. I don't have to be the most special of all. I don't have to be the burden bearer for everyone because I'm stronger.
00:15:23
Speaker
It's so wonderful to be free from that and just be me. special me and be able to sit and admire how special you are.
00:15:36
Speaker
That has, that's just like so many gems in one row, honestly. And first of all, it's unfair that you're, you're telling us you're, 83 looking like that and that level of energy.
00:15:48
Speaker
You're sweet. that's that's No, no, I'm being truthful. You are a dynamo. Amazing. um So I love that your story is so counterproductive.
00:16:01
Speaker
Intuitive. And so against like what we normally ah hear about adoption stories, because number one, your mom was a tiger.
00:16:12
Speaker
Like your mom was unstoppable. She was very, you know, once the Lord got a hold of her, she was unstoppable and she just poured life into you.
00:16:23
Speaker
And the amount of safety that she was able to surround you with, even in situations I've heard you tell your stories for 30 years in the desert.
00:16:33
Speaker
and facing just uncertainty at levels that I have never encountered. And the way that she just assured you that you would be okay, that you would be fine, that if mom is here, you're fine.
00:16:48
Speaker
That's a powerful message, ah one of dependence of the Lord. um And the fact that what I'm hearing, your mom was not perfect. yeah Oh, no. But yet she poured words, her words of life into you. So you know in the middle of dysfunction, God still uses us. That's what I that's what i love to hear.
00:17:12
Speaker
Exactly. And the fact that you had not only one you know negative experience with one dad, but you had a ah like a ah um a parade a parade of of dysfunctional dads.
00:17:27
Speaker
could put you in a category of risk and you could easily tag yourself as, oh, poor me, you know, I don't, I don't, I'm lacking in that area. And of course you did.
00:17:38
Speaker
But the fact that you're just narrating how gloriously the Lord has been, you know, stepping up to a plate in ways that surpass any human father is filling my brain, my heart with hope.
00:17:56
Speaker
And I believe that you are, when you when you teach people, when you disciple people, that has to come through because the fatherlessness and father hurt is a big, big issue in the people of God.
00:18:12
Speaker
So your understanding of him as a father Definitely, I can see um it influencing you. You're wonderful father, Aisha. I will start crying just out of gratitude.
00:18:24
Speaker
He has blessed me. He's listened to me, put up with me. i vomited on him. i I've denied him. When my son died, i said I didn't believe he existed.
00:18:38
Speaker
I've done all kinds of, I've been, I'm yours, my hands, my mouth, my body, use me, take me wherever you want me. i give you my heart to you.
00:18:49
Speaker
and when my heart was broken, so I gave it to you. If you want to break it, I guess that's your business. Okay. It belongs to you. I've run the gamut of relationship with father God and and he is bigger and stronger and more precious in his father role to me today than when I began the journey.
00:19:10
Speaker
um But one thing i will say that I think that kind of helped me and knowing how special adoption is, is in adopting my my son.
00:19:23
Speaker
um The amount of love that I felt for that one human being goes beyond anything I've ever felt in my life.
00:19:36
Speaker
And to think that God loves me more than that. is mind-boggling and very, I feel very secure. ah I try to be careful
00:19:53
Speaker
in the way I represent him. They represent the Lord well, but, you know, I couldn't have children because of some abuses that had happened.
00:20:08
Speaker
to me physically. And, uh, I prayed and I asked the Lord for ah son, an infant, and the Lord supernaturally moved and to put us in the right place to be able to adopt our baby from the from the hospital.
00:20:27
Speaker
And, uh,
00:20:30
Speaker
was the happiest days of my life, I think, was raising him as a little woman. the most difficult days of my life have been through his drug addiction in his teenage years.
00:20:47
Speaker
And the hardest, most bitterly impossible moment in my life, humanly, was to overcome the sting of his death.
00:21:00
Speaker
And, you know,
00:21:05
Speaker
but we're all chosen by God. Adoption is is, I wish everybody would adopt a child and love them the way like the way I was loved and the way I love my baby.
Parental Love and Faith's Influence
00:21:19
Speaker
and think it would help us to understand how greatly loved we are by Father God as his chosen and adopted children. Wow. Wow. ah Yeah. i just all All that you said, again, there's so many um so many nuggets of truth in what you said. in in you know Not only are you adopted, you talked about Father God.
00:21:48
Speaker
But then God gave you the privilege and honor to become a mom and adopt. And so you are sharing from both sides of the so spectrum of what it was like to be adopted and to adopt and and show that maternal love and give that love that deep love like you described to a baby um who desperately needed a mother and a father.
00:22:18
Speaker
And then you took us through, you know, I know, our time is limited. So you briefly took us through his life um and the heartache of ah the drug addiction and then the the day when you lost him.
00:22:36
Speaker
And so, oh, I'm so sorry to hear. i know we heard that, you know, we heard you share that at the women's conference and the pain, the pain. And I believe that It's the same pain our Heavenly Father has for us when when we choose, make choices that aren't lining up with Him, but yet His unconditional love.
00:23:00
Speaker
You display that unconditional love so beautifully and that parental love that our Heavenly Father has for us as His adopted children.
00:23:11
Speaker
And so thank you so much for, you know, being so vulnerable because not everybody has the beauty and heartache all wrapped up into your story that is so rich from your adoption story to adopting your son and then the heartache um that goes with it. And so i just, again, appreciate your vulnerability because, you know, as leaders, we just so want always want to share about the, you know, the beauty and and God does want us to testify and give him the glory.
00:23:48
Speaker
by But there's a lot of heartache and there's a lot of stuff we walk through as leaders that sometimes people don't see. And I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing all of that.
Sandra's Legacy in Ministry
00:24:00
Speaker
Amen. I just, I listen to you and I think of how, you know, certain moments, certain conversations have stuck with me throughout the years. And I remember us sitting outside of a Casa Güero.
00:24:16
Speaker
mike I came to visit, my kids were probably five and seven, were something like that. And we were, you and I, in the car by ourselves, and you just lifted your finger like you do.
00:24:29
Speaker
And you looked at me and you said, listen, honey, the worst day with your kids is better than any day without them. It's, you know, bad days are going to come and go.
00:24:41
Speaker
Just love your kids. And I just, i I've taken that to heart. And I thank you. I thank you for blazing the way in so many ways. in so much of your display of trust and doubt in your true, you know, just fiery way of living for the Lord in in a very um vulnerable manner ah have seeped into my life and ministry. And that's why, you know, my first book is about um suffering.
00:25:16
Speaker
You taught me to bring water to ah the people that are crying all day at a funeral. Like you said, just shut up and bring them water and don't say anything and be there.
00:25:29
Speaker
And then the second one was about adoption. And so I cannot, we can't measure what your suffering and your trials and your joys will render on the other side of heaven.
00:25:46
Speaker
sight of heaven So just, I love you and I thank you. And i I look forward to chatting. We could we could do ah like a podcast series only on your life. So I hope you accept our our invitation to be here more often. and be i i would love to do that. I would like to talk to you on another podcast about yes Two Sides of the Coin.
00:26:11
Speaker
um of your adopted children looking for their identity and their biological roots. Yes. We need that. That's a difficult one. that's a job That's a tough one. We're going to um take you
Understanding Spiritual Adoption
00:26:26
Speaker
at your word. We're going to have you back, but we're just going to wrap up this podcast with the last question.
00:26:33
Speaker
And as the pastor of Crossroads, Church of the Crossroads, um And we experienced that beautiful women's conference that, um you know, that you so creatively put together and we were able to participate and just be a part of that.
00:26:51
Speaker
um But clearly you understand the biblical... um meaning and that the word adoption truly comes from the Bible. It's not just some invented word that, oh, you know, think of poor kids like me and you, um but you, you get it.
00:27:09
Speaker
But I think not all churches get it. Like, like you understand. And they, they just think of the earthly adoption.
00:27:20
Speaker
So our question would be like, as a pastor, um is there a specific message that you would like to give other church leaders or that you could give um anybody who's listening regarding adoption, whether it's earthly or spiritual?
00:27:41
Speaker
What message would you give to the people as a pastor?
00:27:45
Speaker
Without adoption, We're nowhere. I mean, the Lord has adopted us through the blood of Jesus. He seeded his legitimate son so that he could have more children.
00:28:00
Speaker
And he's adopted us through the sacrifice of Christ. And we all, every believer... needs to be saturated with the message of the spirit of adoption.
00:28:11
Speaker
And to understand this is why we're so special, so valuable, so chosen by God. And um that's, it goes beyond just the earth adoption of of a parentless child.
00:28:28
Speaker
um where where we We're all parentless until until ah we come through the filter of Jesus. Everybody is created by God, but not everybody is a dear daughter or son of God.
00:28:42
Speaker
And we are adopted into his family by our trust in the Lord Jesus. and our development of our relationship with the Father. I think it's something that needs to be taught in every church at least a couple of times a year on the spirit of adoption. And have everybody that's adopted stand, and you should have hundreds if not thousands of people in congregations standing. Yes, I am adopted.
00:29:06
Speaker
And that it goes across the board.
00:29:13
Speaker
We're not just... I don't know how to say this in in in English. ah There's a word in Spanish called arrimados. I don't know how to translate it into yeah English.
00:29:25
Speaker
Yes, there's not a but quite a perfect word, but it would be like ah like a child that you sort of take care of, like a second like a second thought. You just have him or her hang around your house. Throw them a mat over in the corner. Yes.
00:29:41
Speaker
They're not at the table. Okay. and And that's not what we are. We are privileged adopted children. And you, of course, know this. But when we went through the adoption with Dustin, the judge finally said to us that day, he said, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, you do understand that you can disinherit your biological children, but you'll never be able to disinherit Dustin. He is your adopted child. He will always be your heir. Yeah.
00:30:11
Speaker
And thank God we're all adopted. And in Christ, we have everything we need. So I think it needs to be taught to everyone all the time.
Conclusion and Gratitude
00:30:21
Speaker
Amen. All the time. amen Yes. what a great What a great note to end on. Yes, yes. We are so grateful for you, for your life, for the freedom that the Lord has granted you. And the you seem so like delighted in and you know that and you walk in that and that is delicious to watch and it's contagious and I just um yeah I just look forward to having you ah you know periodically we can have any topic and we can spend wisdom yes so much wisdom we're so thankful too much
00:30:58
Speaker
You make me laugh. No. You always are an exhorter. If I was ever down, I would call you and say, what do you think of me?
00:31:09
Speaker
It's the truth. I'm not making it up. I have have some people that would disagree with you. ah Well, the wheel, the wheel. ah we all though we all But we're so happy to have you. Welcome to the podcast. It's not the last one.
00:31:27
Speaker
it's going to be the first one of many. So thank you for watching. Thank you guys for tuning in and sharing this episode of Pause and Think. We'll be back next time with another wonderful conversation.
00:31:44
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.