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Navigating the Desire to Find Birth Parent - Kara Capps pt2
31 Plays2 months ago
Join us in this heartfelt episode as Kara shares her emotional journey of meeting her birth parents for the first time. This honest conversation delves into the unexpected emotions and questions stirred during her reunion. We also share our personal insights on whether to embark on the journey to find birth parents. Discover how to make the best choice for yourself, grounded in wisdom and faith. Perfect for adoptees grappling with this life-changing decision.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think'
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
Purpose of the Podcast
00:00:22
Speaker
Hi, welcome to the podcast Pause and Think. My name is Jackie Darby. And we are here to have real and honest conversations about adoption. Whether you're the adoptee or the adoptive parent, we want both sides to go away feeling encouraged and having hope. And we understand that our hope comes from the Lord and we just want that our stories to be an encouragement to you. So today,
Guest Introduction: Kara Caps
00:00:55
Speaker
is episode two. I am here with Cara Caps who's from Murfreesboro, Tennessee. And if you want to hear more of her introduction and where what what she's about, please go back to episode one and listen to all of that. But I am here again with Cara. Welcome Cara back to episode two. Yes, hi. Very thankful to be here.
Kara's Emotional Journey to South Korea
00:01:24
Speaker
well We're so thankful that you are here and that you are sharing your story with our listeners because we want to share all kinds of stories, whether it's from Aisha and myself as Aisha represents the adoptive mom, I represent the adoptee, but we just want to hear other stories. and so Thank you so much for being here today.
00:01:49
Speaker
and I told listeners at the end of episode one that you were given a very special gift. I call it a gift. And that's why we're here to have another episode because you got to meet your actual birth parents. So I really just want to dive right in and let you tell your story. I
First Visit and Meeting Foster Mom
00:02:14
Speaker
know that you went on a trip to South Korea for the first time.
00:02:19
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with a fellow college student who I believe was also Korean. And that is what began to stir up some questions and emotions that you didn't even realize were there. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
00:02:34
Speaker
Um, so, you know, before going to Korea for the first time, I really just didn't think about my life before being adopted, but going on that trip, it definitely stirred up a lot of questions and just more curiosities about my story and also about my birth parents. Um, so that trip kind of, um, led me to go on a trip again to Korea. Um, and this time it was with my parents and actually to specifically try to learn more about my adoption.
00:02:59
Speaker
So I went on a heritage tour and on that trip, um I actually got to meet my foster mom and I visited my adoption agency. And know while I was looking through my paperwork, I actually found a picture of myself as a baby that I had never seen before.
Reflections on Birthplace Visit
00:03:13
Speaker
um I got to visit the hospital that I was born in. um So really just created all of these um you know, things that happened in my life before I was adopted, just so real. I mean, I think before then I didn't really feel like that was my story, but especially going to those places that were a part of my life in this first four months, it just made it so tangible for me. And so, I'm sorry, are you going to ask? Would you say, would you say, Kara, that that was kind of like some missing pieces of the puzzle of not knowing anything about that time of your life?
00:03:51
Speaker
Yeah, I think that it was, but I kind of describe it as if they were pieces in my life that I didn't even really know that I was missing. um You know, I don't think that I actively thought I have to have this information, but then once I did have it, um it did give me a sense of peace of just being able to know it. And I think again, just making it actually real to me.
00:04:13
Speaker
um because in my life it just really felt like this fictitious story that didn't really feel like mine but after going to those places it really helped me feel like I can own my story and just be really proud of that.
Identity and Faith in Christ
00:04:25
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um You know after going on that trip um you know came back home and and a lot of questions were raised for me and it definitely just brought up even more emotions about my birth parents.
00:04:35
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um And so it was really after coming home from that trip. It started my healing journey um and just really understanding, you know, that my identity is not found in my adoption story and what I may or may not know about, ah you know, my birth parents, but, um you know, my identity and worth is found in Christ. And so that's a really sweet way that God met me in that and, um you know, I think really brought that
Initiating the Birth Search
00:05:00
Speaker
healing for me. And so I think it really allowed me to even be open to try to find my birth parents because before then I wasn't really open to that, but it definitely was kind of a heart change for me just to want to be able to try to find them. Wow. And so after your heritage trip, you said that when you came home, it kind of stirred up more emotions. Could you be able to be a little vulnerable and share what kind of emotions you were talking about? Yeah.
00:05:33
Speaker
Um, you know, honestly, I just came back just feeling like my heart was so broken. I just really struggled. That was the first time that I really, um, could put words to say that I felt rejected by my birth mom, that I, you know, just so questioned if I was loved by her. And, um, you know, I just really felt like I just may never know that answer. And that was something that was really heartbreaking for me. Um, and it was just something that.
00:06:03
Speaker
it was just really hard to reconcile that because I may never know that answer. It just affected me in all areas of my life. And, you know, I think that I realized that I really had those struggles and they came out in different ways, you know, when I was younger and shared before, you know, through perfectionism, through, um, you know, just not feeling like I was good enough, but I never, until I you know kind of went through that trip and began that healing journey, was able to so connect that with my adoption story and just my relationship with my birth mom. Wow.
00:06:32
Speaker
that that is interesting how it took going on that trip um that those emotions would really rise up and surface for you to begin to even acknowledge them and face them and then begin a healing process. Can you connect the dots for us how you went from your heritage trip to meeting your birth parents. Can you connect those dots and explain how that happened? Yeah. Um, yeah, you know, I had shared whenever I came home, it was, it was really difficult. And you know, I think at first I did really feel like my heart was just breaking and I didn't know how I would ever really move forward with not knowing if I could ever know these questions or if my birth mom was me or not. Um, but I think as I just continued on,
00:07:28
Speaker
with that healing journey and really seeking the Lord through that. What I began to realize is that it wasn't that my heart was breaking, but it was God working and breaking down these walls that I had built around my heart for so many years. And it was really hard because you know I suppressed all these emotions and trauma that I had about my adoption. know At that point, it was like over two decades.
00:07:47
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um and But even in the midst of that pain, that's really where God met me and just helped me to understand that you my identity and worth is not in my adoption story, but it is in Christ. And he really just began to change my whole outlook on my story and allowed me to see how God was present in my story all along. And then I am so loved by him.
00:08:06
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um And that just really changed everything for me. I think it helped me to be so much more open
Support from Adoptive Parents
00:08:11
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to just loving my birth parents and really being able to outwardly express that and not just be so worried about what they think about me, but in making that turn of understanding that I'm so loved by the Lord, um you know, I just have that gift of being able to love other people as well. And so that's really kind of the turn for me um in my relationship with my birth parents, you know, before meeting in them, but just kind of that emotional connection with them.
00:08:36
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um And so it was a couple years after that I had come home from a heritage tour and was kind of the Lord leading me in that healing journey. But it was the start of 2020 that I really felt um just kind of that pull that I was ready um and wanted to do a birth search and to try to find my birth mom.
00:08:55
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And so in March of 2020, I began that process and you know filled out kind of this online form that went to my adoption agency and they have a whole post adoption service um department. And so um you know they got my information and they try to find the last known location of my birth mom and then they kind of send like a vague letter to her essentially saying, you know, there's a woman that was born in 1995 and thinks that um maybe she has a connection or relationship with you. And then it's kind of up to my birth mom to reach out or not. um But it was April of 2020. So just about a month later, at God's grace, she reached back out to my adoption agency and said that um she wanted to have communication with me and just begin that relationship. Wow.
00:09:46
Speaker
That is so amazing to me and I'm and' so happy for you. um One thing that your story shouts out to me as well is clearly on this whole journey after the Heritage trip, walking through all those emotions and um walking through this process, your adoptive parents were supportive as well. They loved you, they supported you because your healing was important to them too. And so I just want to, you know, just admire them for for supporting you in this process.
00:10:29
Speaker
because I believe it takes a very secure parent to acknowledge that their child's hurting and and want to do whatever it takes to see you walking healthy and whole and in that process.
Meeting Birth Mom
00:10:47
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um So that's a beautiful part of your story. And despite you were walking through these emotions that, you know,
00:10:58
Speaker
A lot of times we don't want to talk about the hard hard emotions of our stories. ah We want to just kind of glaze over it. But that's when the beauty comes in because despite it being so difficult, we see how God has been interwoven into our story and is really helping to bring healing and identity and worth in Him as our Heavenly Father.
00:11:25
Speaker
so Help us to um understand how it is that you really met your birth mom and getting to go back and do that on that trip. Can you share how that all happened? I mean, what what an amazing story. So tell the listeners all about that part of your story. Yeah, sure.
00:11:49
Speaker
Um, so we found each other. Um, and of course, you know, I'm in America and my response in Korea and, um, I don't speak Korean and she doesn't know English. So what we did is just communicate through, um, translated emails with my social worker. Um,
00:12:07
Speaker
So you know I'd write a letter and send that to her and you got to attach pictures as well. And so we just communicated that way. And um at the time that we found each other, it was um during the COVID season. So traveling was was pretty restricted. um And we had both shared in our letters, you know what's the opportunity?
00:12:24
Speaker
um could come. We really wanted to be able to meet each other in person. um So, you know, we um communicated through emails for about two and a half years, um but it was in the fall of 22 that my parents and wasn't my husband at the time, but my husband now, and we all got to travel to Korea to meet my birth mom. And so that was um just a really incredible experience and how we got there. Wow. i I'm amazed because this isn't normal. We don't generally hear stories like this um for whatever reason. There's a bunch of reasons. But I love hearing these stories. And so tell us if you can go back to that moment, ah those emotions of when what it was like
00:13:23
Speaker
meeting your birth mom for the first time. Yeah. and I remember, you know, waking up that day and I just felt really excited. um You know, I think that at the time it was really hard for that long season of waiting to be able to travel to Korea. But I think in a way that looking back on it now, um it was really a part of God's kindness too, because in those two and a half years,
00:13:51
Speaker
my birth mom and I really were able to form this bond with each other, you know, just, you know, being able to learn more about each other. And so we had a built up relationship before, you know, this really clinical moment too, of being able to meet together in person. um But I didn't feel too nervous that day. I think it was just more excitement, but also instead of just really kind of disbelief still, of like, is this really going to happen? um But, you know, I mean, to be honest too, I think there's still that little voice in my head of just saying, you know,
00:14:20
Speaker
just kind of self-protection almost of like, you know, well, maybe this isn't going to happen, you know, and I think that's how the enemy works and and he wants to um try to take that joy away from us. But there was part of that too, I think, until I actually just met her, you know, and got to hunger in person.
00:14:34
Speaker
um Yeah, I feel like I was just really more excited than anything. And so um for the first meeting, our agency requires it to be at the adoption agency. And so whenever we got there, they kind of took us into this little, um you know, waiting room. And then my social worker said, oh, you know, I just heard that your first mom is here. And so she went to go get her. um And there wasn't really an introduction. She all of a sudden just kind of caved, you know, into the room. And, um you know, it was just such a sweet,
00:15:05
Speaker
moment. There's a lot of ugly crying. and um You know, we just immediately embraced and hugged what felt like, you know, forever. But there is just so much redemption and just getting to be together for the first time after you all that time.
00:15:23
Speaker
I can only imagine the emotion, i oh wow, that would just be a dream come true for me too. um I always feel like it's impossible because of my story, but what what a gift that God gave you to to find her. What a gift that she um wanted to meet you because yeah it's not always that way.
Unexpected Meeting with Birth Dad
00:15:48
Speaker
Everybody's stories are different. It's not always that way. So I'm sure they're,
00:15:53
Speaker
was just that apprehension as well. And one thing I want to point out is, you know, you were talking about the two year process of just communicating um that healing is a process and our stories, it it is a journey. It's not just something that happened overnight and you just didn't find her in the next day you met. ah This was a process. This is something that took time and um that it's just, it doesn't happen fast at times. So you persevered, your mom was willing, and the fact that your adoptive parents, again, supported you, went with you, ah your fiance went with you, and so they shared this very, very special moment with you. What what a gift. And you know even though we're grown women, you're a grown woman now,
00:16:49
Speaker
But yet there was still that little girl inside of you with the emotions of, you know, am I going to be accepted? And how is this going to be? And you were so excited. And there was just.
00:17:00
Speaker
a whole variety of emotions that you felt. And so again, we just want to point out that everybody's story is very different. Everybody's emotions are different. God created us different. He's writing each story differently. There's no right or wrong, but we're hearing the beauty of your story. So thank you so much. And I am aware that you also met another person. Can you tell us who else that who else did you meet?
00:17:30
Speaker
Yeah, so um I also had the opportunity to meet my birth dad while in Korea and that was a thing that really took me by surprise. um You know, I really didn't have a lot of information about my birth dad and my paperwork and so I Specifically when I began my search was only looking for my birth mom um and in you know our two and a half years of communication she never mentioned him and that was just a subject that I You know felt a piece about to not bring up with her, especially if it was something that was difficult for her um but whenever we met at the agency and we were together for maybe only like 20 or so minutes and she just brought up on her own saying that
00:18:11
Speaker
you know She had spoken to my birth father, which she hadn't for years until that point. um But a couple of weeks before we came to Korea and just had shared that you know I had reached out to her. and I was actually coming to Korea. um And so she had just shared that you know she really felt like it was my right to know my birth father if if I wanted to. And she um kind of made the things necessary to allow that to happen if um I wanted to do that.
00:18:35
Speaker
and so You know, I I said yes, you know would love to meet him as well And so we got to spend just a ah day with him and And it's something that I was just so shocked by um this was not expecting that at all but again just such a gift from the Lord to allow that opportunity and um you know again didn't really think that much about my birthday and things that I did I didn't know if it Just what their relationship was life beforehand, um but he ended up being just such a kind and really just soft-spoken man and just really grateful to get to know him in that journey too. That's amazing. That's amazing and thank you so much for sharing about that. um Such a private moment but I really believe that
00:19:22
Speaker
the Lord will continue to use your story. um What advice, Kara, would you give to others who might be wondering if they should even look for their birth parents? Yeah. um You know, I really don't think that there's a right or a wrong decision when it comes to doing a birth search. It really just comes down to your decision and what you feel like is going to be really best for you and your story.
00:19:50
Speaker
um you know and along with you and the Lord, there's no one else that knows your story better. um you know I think just really seeking wisdom and discernment from God and just understanding that it's your choice along with Him. um Yeah, just to kind of take the pressure off of even that you have to do it right now. You know, if you even just kind of have an inkling or a thought to do that, I think that I kind of felt that, especially in my different trips to Korea. um But just to know that there's no time limit on your story and there's certainly no time limit for the Lord and what he can do in your story. Yeah, that's good because each and every person has a different story and each outcome could be different. And that is the risk that we would take.
00:20:32
Speaker
um In your story, there was a beautiful um chapter that unfolded, a surprise of even getting to meet your birth father. And I find that very interesting that um many times we as adoptees, we think of our birth mom.
00:20:50
Speaker
We don't really give as much thought on our father, but the Lord allowed you to meet him as well. And so I just think, like you said, it was
Grounding Identity in Faith
00:21:00
Speaker
it was a gift. It was redeeming. And what an amazing story. um i Which leads me to the last question I have for you, Kara. um In finding your biological parents,
00:21:16
Speaker
um Do you feel like that contributed in any way in you recognizing even more so your worth and identity? Do you feel like that had something to do with where now your perspective today? Yeah, that's a great question. I think it's yes and no. um you know i didn't Once I found them, I think it did give me a sense of peace just to know who they were.
00:21:48
Speaker
um And even something as simple of just knowing that, oh, you know, this is, this is who I look like. You know, cause that's a question that I had for a lot of years. I just wanted to know, you know, something simple as that. and So it did give me, you know, I think peace in that, but I will say too, I think just for the healing journey that the Lord brought me through and and really helping me understand that, you know, first and foremost, my identity was found in Christ.
00:22:13
Speaker
um you know That was kind of the place of peace that I had to be even before I did my birth search and just kind of preparing myself for that. And and like you had said before that you know whenever you enter into a birth search, you don't know what the outcome is going to be. And so I think that the Lord just really helped to ground me in a place that you know if I did find my birth parents, God is still good. And if I don't find my birth parents, God is still good. And so even after finding them, you know it definitely has changed me in many ways, but I also feel like that the Lord really helped me to ground an understanding of who and whose I am that, you know, getting to meet them was really just this cherry on top of my story. Um, so I'm so grateful for it. Um, and it did change me, but also, you know, I think what ultimately changed me is just knowing who I am. That's so good. That's so good. Thank you for bringing that out because
Closing Reflections on Identity and Gratitude
00:23:07
Speaker
Our whole heart and passion is that the adoptee, um at no matter what the age, understands that their worth and identity is grounded in Christ. And truly that is how you and I have gotten to this place of healing to understand whose we are and to understand that if we find our birth parents or if we don't find our birth parents, that we're still okay because we know that we belong to our heavenly father first and foremost. And we are so thankful for our adoptive parents, for the parents that he gave us here on this earth who loved us, who've taught us so much and who've pointed us to Christ because ultimately he's the only one
00:23:59
Speaker
who could bring that healing to our heart and our mind. And we are so thankful. Thank you for sharing your amazing story. And thank you for sharing it with um everybody who watches. Thank you for being vulnerable and just for opening up your life to us. And I am so privileged. I feel so honored that I got to know you and meet you and share our stories together, even though we're at very different stages of life, but yet we do have a kindred bond. And I just hope and pray that your story
00:24:35
Speaker
brings hope and encouragement to not only the adopting, but also to the parent who is walking with their child in this process. So thank you to all of our listeners who are watching today. um I pray that through our podcast, pause and think that you will truly take time to pause, think about everything we've said and to just allow God to continue writing your story of adoption with your child and to be encouraged through it. Thank you for joining us.