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Finding Joy in Every Parenting Season
33 Plays1 month ago
No matter the highs or the lows in your parenting journey, there's hope and gratitude to be found. Join us as we explore how every season, whether challenging or calm, can be special with a little faith and love. Dive into "Pause and Think" for an uplifting take on embracing the ebb and flow of family life.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think'
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
00:00:22
Speaker
Hello. Welcome to Pause and Think podcast.
Christmas Memories: Love and Complexity
00:00:26
Speaker
My name is Jackie Darby. And I am Aixa Garcia. And I am so happy that we get to be very merry today. Yes, we're celebrating Christmas. Yes, yes. This is my favorite time of year, honestly. Mine too. I know. And, you know, we tend to sometimes people who have had beautiful Christmases and we have very good memories, we sometimes can overlook the fact that not everyone has
00:00:59
Speaker
warm and caring and beautiful memories tied to Christmas.
Unique Challenges: Adoptive and Foster Families
00:01:05
Speaker
So we're going to go into that a little bit today. The beautiful and you know tender side of it and some of the difficulties and hurdles that all families face. And you know we have to pinpoint certain areas for foster and adoptive families. So we'll get into it. Yeah, so welcome. And you know we don't claim to be psychologists. No, we're not. ah We are not educated with degrees in this area, but we are just, you're a mom, adoptive mom. I'm an adoptive adult. um And so we want to have just real and honest conversations and kind of bring a balanced conversation to the table yeah about the subject of adoption and foster care. And so we recognize
00:01:55
Speaker
in the world, the holidays can be a very challenging time. It is. For for some people, yeah depending upon their situation. But are our table talks about adoption and foster care. and And that's what we're going to talk about today, the challenges. So I know um from helping with the support group for adult adoptees,
00:02:22
Speaker
we started it in twenty twenty and so we've had a few christmas seasons that we've gone through and i know that we've talked about especially the month of december about christmas and christmas memories and i shot i know that some of the adult adoptees that join our group don't always have positive memories about about the Christmas
Adoptees' Holiday Experiences
00:02:47
Speaker
holidays. Yeah. And it doesn't have to directly do with what the parents are doing. It's it's not linked some so often. It's an inside situation. Exactly. It's a battle of the mind, of the heart. I remember a good friend of ours, ah you know, years back.
00:03:08
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He was loved from baby on ah in his adoptive family. um in in you know He said it in a way that just made me picture the situation, the circumstance.
00:03:24
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she's He said, I looked around the room and we we were having good food and this was a well-to-do family. I had gifts and the tree was beautiful and everyone was laughing and I really was loved as a child. But I looked around the room and thought, none of them have my blood. And and I just thought, wow, because the parents, you know, we do,
00:03:53
Speaker
everything that we can to make memorable experiences and in you know cozy ah
Adoptive Children's Internal Battles
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living rooms. And in we think about the gifts a lot. At least I do. I'm a gift giver. I love that. um And so to know that this feeling and these thoughts come into kids' minds is can be overwhelming for for a parent, can be saddening. and we And our urge is to fix it. And we can't. Yes. And I'm not in your shoes. And I know you've not been in my shoes. So I can't imagine, as a parent, you know doing all of this for our kids, adoptive and biological.
00:04:42
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But yet, in the back of their minds of adopted or foster kids, um there's something going on around in their mind wondering about their original family. And so, like you said, that's that's nothing that you've done as a parent, that you've caused.
00:05:04
Speaker
um It's something that the child ah or the adult child is thinking about um even with our adult um support group. They very honestly, they're very vulnerable and they were sharing with me that you know some of the those exact thoughts that this really isn't my family I'm celebrating with.
00:05:28
Speaker
Like, I wonder what my mom and dad are doing, or where are they during this family Christmas season? And so it is nothing that the parent is causing. and says It's just something internal. Yeah. Yeah. And that, you know, that's ah ah a very simplistic way of approaching it because we know every child's story is so unique.
Foster Care Complexities During Holidays
00:05:58
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And when you're talking about foster care, the fact that a child is being taken care of through the system is hard enough because you know, he had to be removed from his family.
00:06:16
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in order to be protected. So situations are hard. Very traumatic. Very traumatic. I'm talking about foster care. Of course, it's not exclusive to foster care, but most kids in foster care have experienced very heartbreaking situations and holidays heighten those experiences typically.
00:06:42
Speaker
And so from what I've learned from listening, from learning, from people that are experts, um you have to be mindful. You cannot expect the child to jump to whatever standard your family has. ah You have to be slower, you have to be planned, you have to lay out what's happening during the day. And that takes time and patience. But it's if you're aiming at um making that child feel safe, which is a goal, a very important goal at any day, especially around hill holidays.
Creating Safe Spaces for Foster Kids
00:07:20
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You have to keep sort of routines and stuff like that to make the child know you're safe.
00:07:27
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You're safe. I know you've been through stuff, but you're safe with us. You're safe with me. you know And it can be a challenge, definitely. New news sounds, new smells, family coming over, food that's unfamiliar to a child, and it's sometimes it's too much.
00:07:47
Speaker
Maybe it's overwhelming. My parents also fostered. I remember um the little boy, his name was Mikey. Actually, Mikey was older than me. And, you know, so holidays represent family, family times, special family times.
00:08:08
Speaker
And so that's why I'm sure because the child is taken away, separated from their original family, their biological family, placed in a home like the child doesn't even get a choice. They're just placed in a foster home. And thank the Lord for foster parents who are willing to disrupt their personal biological family time to accept and love and care for and create that safe place for a foster child and bring them into their home. And so like you said, I'm sure
00:08:52
Speaker
Even some kids don't celebrate Christmas in their original homes. And then when they go to a foster home and the foster parents are going above and beyond to make such a special holiday for them, it it could be extremely overwhelming. And so to take that, and you know,
00:09:16
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Take that and into the her thought process that, you know, it could be overwhelming.
Understanding Each Child's Unique Story
00:09:22
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And like you were saying, Aisha, that every kid has such a different and unique story. We're not saying A, B, C, and D, how to do it, what to do.
00:09:33
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um because every child's different. And so there is no perfect way. We feel that, you know, if you pray and ask the Lord to help guide you um and do your best to send to the Lord, God's going to meet you where you're at yeah and help you through that process. Yeah, a very beautiful and thoughtful ah foster mom, very experienced, um says,
00:09:58
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that she tries to consider what's going on inside the child's mind and heart. Even if it's hard for us as adults and we want to be safe and we know that the child in is in this situation because of the adults that are unsafe in it in his or her life, it's hard for us to understand that there's affection, that there's love in this child's heart for that parent or that grandma or that grandpa that could be the source of their pain. Yes. And that is a hard thing to accept for somebody that wants to help.
00:10:39
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But this experienced foster mom says that she allows the children to talk about their traditions. They may have traditions or they, as you said, never celebrated christmas Christmas. But either way, have that conversation. So what did your mom you know like to cook? Or what's your favorite cookie during ah the holidays? And even you know have the kids do a card.
00:11:06
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and and say, you we can you know talk to the social worker and see that she gets the card. Just allowing that space in your home, in your Christmas, for that part that is uncomfortable, can be soothing for the child. Again, it it's a very delicate balance and it depends on each child and what's recommended and whatnot.
The Power of Open Conversations
00:11:33
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But more often than not, I think we want to bury that uncomfortable you know relationship and we want to get on with the party. But when you enter into these very painful spots,
00:11:49
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um We are believing that part of healing is to cry with those who cry. And maybe the child does not feel um happy at all at your home. And unhappy kids probably are not going to be crying in a corner. Some will.
00:12:09
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but you can see a lot of anger you can see maybe destroying certain things um and i'm not saying that's acceptable but it can be expected i think one thing i know that we're very passionate about is real honest conversations and sometimes that can be tricky yeah because if the child, I know I certainly was that way, you put a smile on your face and you act like everything's okay because we don't want to come across like we're not grateful. So we just put a smile on and sometimes
00:12:51
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we don't even know how to express it because we have buried it so deep into our hearts that we don't even know what we're feeling. It's very confusing. And so I think the key is to have conversations or create spaces for conversations. Allow your child to know that you can express Your pain you can express with me and and I know that can probably sound very challenging to a parent Because I have heard some parents who've been very honest with me. Oh, that would make me feel sad if they started talking that way It is sad. It would be sad
00:13:37
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But if we want, if our end goal is for healing for that child, to be able to confront it, express it, to be comforted during that crisis or those times where they do feel really sad or angry. It's not just about sadness. It's about maybe anger. anger And like you said, maybe they're destroying something because they're just mad. And you don't know where that's coming from. You're just thinking they're being rebellious.
00:14:05
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But there's a root. yeah There's a root. And where does that go to? And just to create those safe spaces for the child to be able to express by asking a question and not just
Behaviors Rooted in Fear
00:14:18
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covering it up. you know So many times we just, like you said, want to fix it. We don't want them to be sad. This is a happy time. Let's just be happy. Let's just eat food. Here's another present. And move on. yeah But as we know as adults, not another president fixes everything sometimes. you know we we There's more to it. And so we just want to encourage you in that to um communicate, to communicate. Yeah, and to be a reader of your child. And this is where prayer just is a very you know, essential part of parenting. ah Because sometimes it's not going to be on the surface. Like you said, you you have kids that are very well trained by circumstances to just bear it and to just keep on going. Or, you know, there's a variety of of ah fronts that can be
00:15:14
Speaker
you know, portrayed to get on with life. And there's a very interesting ah behavior that ah arises sometimes. And that is when when you have a ah ah very happy day ahead and then these kids read um the situation and they seem to want to ruin it on purpose.
00:15:41
Speaker
And this is rooted in fear. It's fear. It's fear that it's too good. It's too wonderful. And I'm going to lose it. So I better ruin it and have control. but So I'm not rejected again. I'm not rejected again. And so it's ah it's a heads up. It can happen. And it it often does. And it feels like this child, we're about to have, you know, this is a wonderful situation. You can be at Disney World.
00:16:09
Speaker
And this child is trying to ruin this family photo or this whatever.
Christmas as a Story of Pain and Hope
00:16:15
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Well, I think a lot of it stems from fear and our time is almost up, but i we really want to encourage you and finish it with the fact that Christmas, the Christmas story, which will devote a whole episode next. Yeah, we're going to move. Yes. The whole Christmas story is about entering into heartbreak. The fact that the glorious creator of the universe decided to wear our skin and bones and, you know, pump blood through his body and arrive at a manger.
00:16:54
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is exactly about our pain. We celebrated, we have a great time, we decorate, we you know pull out the good you know red china, but it's about the fact that our God did not keep himself away from our pain.
00:17:13
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And yeah he sent Jesus as a baby, absolutely and that's what Christmas is all about. But we just want to end on a positive note, too.
Reflections of Gratitude and Memories
00:17:22
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And, you know, yes, there are definitely are children who are struggling during the holidays.
00:17:31
Speaker
But there's also the positive and the blessing of family. And when I look back and think about Christmas, Aisha, I think about the family that the Lord gave to me um through adoption. And Christmas was always a very special time. My mom and dad went above and beyond um to decorate and just be a blessing to us, their whole family. There was eight of us, plus grandkids. There was a lot of kids and they had traditions, um routines, traditions that kept it very consistent throughout the many years. And so when I think back of Christmas,
00:18:16
Speaker
I think back of those times and they're very consistent memories that I have that were created by my parents. And for that, I'm very thankful. I'm very thankful for my adoptive parents. who I don't even call them adoptive parents. They're my parents. They're the ones who cared for me, who loved me and made Christmas a very special time of year.
00:18:38
Speaker
And so um we just want to encourage you as parents, you know wherever whatever kind of situation you're dealing with, that God will help you through this season, um whether it's a difficult season or it's a or it's a season that is kind of a breather, like you're just enjoying the season in your child's in a good spot.
Navigating Holiday Experiences with Children
00:19:03
Speaker
um We want to recognize that both sides can happen, and and it's okay. It doesn't mean one's worse than the other. It's just a season that you're in. And so we are so thankful that you are joining us on our podcast, Pause and Think.
00:19:20
Speaker
And we hope that this encouraged you today and that you join us again because we're going to talk one more time about the Christmas season yes and share about Jesus. ah Amen.