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A Mysterious Email, Foster Care & A Father’s Faith: Tony Mitchell’s Adoption Story
23 Plays2 months ago
We discuss an emotional journey of hope, identity, and discovery – proof that love's impact has no expiration date. Discover the moment Tony dials a number left in an unexpected email, uncovering a lifelong mystery. Tony also shares his birth story that unravels societal tensions, and how his Father’s was instrumental in shaping his identity and faith in Christ
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think' Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest
00:00:21
Speaker
Hi and welcome to our podcast Pause and Think.
Guest Introduction: Tony Mitchell
00:00:25
Speaker
My name is Jackie Darby and I am here today with a very special guest. um Our podcast was birthed because we want to encourage you as adoptees or parents who are listening to be encouraged and to be given hope through hearing our stories. God is writing our stories and every story is so unique and different.
00:00:47
Speaker
different. And today I have a very special guest. His name is Tony Mitchell and he is connected with me. I'm in Guatemala and Tony is in Atlanta. But I just want to tell a little about Tony today.
Tony's Adoption and Career Success
00:01:02
Speaker
um He was a newborn baby placed into foster care for two years before being adopted by a family. He became the first and only person in his family to attend college because he was an adopted by a very impoverished family. During his successful 30-year business career, Tony served as an executive, a board member, and a business advisor for several companies ranging from $2 million to $2 billion um in revenue.
00:01:38
Speaker
After retiring, Tony now serves as a speaker and board director, currently serving on the board for Christian Alliance for the Orphans. Tony and his wife, Benita, live in Atlanta and are also speakers for Family Life's Weekend Marriage Conferences. They have two adult children, and I am so excited to have Tony here with
Meeting at CAFO Conference
00:02:03
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us. Tony, welcome.
00:02:04
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Hey, thank you. I'm so excited to be with you, Jackie. i Really, I'm looking forward to it. I'm so excited to have this time with you today. ah Let me just tell our listeners that you and I met at CAFO two years ago in Atlanta. It was my very first CAFO experience, and I loved that conference.
00:02:27
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um So, wow, I just had so many thoughts. I had never attended a conference like that, but I sat in on your workshops and I learned so much about the foster and adoption world, even though I'm adopted.
00:02:45
Speaker
And you have a very interesting and unique story. And so I would like for you to share with our listeners, um start and start by telling your story. Sure, I'd love to. Thank you, Jackie.
Tony's Birth Story and Identity Struggles
00:03:00
Speaker
So back in the early 60s, before the civil rights era had initiated, African American man and a white woman ah had a relationship and I was the product of that. And at the time that was not very widely accepted in society. So I was given up to foster care at birth and ah um it was a brave decision for my mom and she gave me up at birth. And then I remained in the foster care system for two and a half years. um And for most of my life, I did not know what happened in those two and a half years. And we'll touch on that a little bit later.
00:03:41
Speaker
Then I was adopted by a family at two and a half and grew up first in the city up until I was nine. And then that got a little dangerous. So my parents decided to move me out to the country. So that was a little bit of a culture shock to go from the city to the country and then grew up on a farm, not too well off, somewhat, or maybe not even somewhat, but really in poverty for most of my life. And then went to college, as you said, and my first job out of college, I got paid more than my dad ever did in his life.
00:04:11
Speaker
supporting a family of four. So that was a significant change for me. Wow. And so let's make it clear, Tony, you were biracial and you were adopted by an African-American family. Is that correct? Yes. And so I would like for you to tell our listeners, did you struggle at all with your identity, including racial identity struggles? Yes.
00:04:40
Speaker
Yes, when we grew up in the Cleveland, it was predominantly in the city. It was Cleveland, Ohio. It was predominantly a black environment. And in that environment, as with ah any environment, shades of color matter. Whatever ethnicity, wherever you go in the world, shades of color matter. And I was not accepted by the African-American community in my school years because I was a little bit too light. It wasn't necessarily dark enough for them.
00:05:09
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Then when we moved to the country, so that kind of left me as the non-accepted one. And that messes with your identity because you're just not accepted. You're kind of a loner. Then when I moved to the country, it was 99% white. I thought, well, at least I'll be accepted here. But in rural America, in a white community, it was not even being accepted, but it actually got a little bit worse with some instances that occurred, especially in the 70s, post-civil rights.
00:05:38
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there was a lot of vocal people about some things around race. So that wasn't accepted either. So I learned how to, in essence, not identify with race. And my identity was taking a hit from both sides.
00:05:54
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And then because I was adopted, I never announced that either because that was one less thing that I wanted for school children that can be somewhat difficult and mean sometimes to use as some other way to alienate you as you're going through school. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't necessarily good either. There were certain instances that were just hard to go through as a young child.
00:06:20
Speaker
Exactly. And you and I can relate much. I can i identify with you because back in the 60s, you know, adoption wasn't as common as it is today. And I also grew up in a very um Caucasian um middle class, ah American, rural community. And so I was really the only adopted kid in school that I knew of, other than my brother and sister that my parents went on to adopt later. And I was the only Asian in my school.
00:06:53
Speaker
So even though we're not the same race, I can identify with feeling very different. And because I felt different and didn't blend in, yes it had a tendency, like you said, to play with your mind. And so that in turn,
00:07:09
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I'm sure, um as you said, you struggled with your identity and worth. And can you tell us a little more like, ah were you able to express that or, you know, when you felt certain ways and maybe you can expound on how you felt about your identity and worth? i Just can you explain a little more about how you felt?
Coping with Identity Issues
00:07:34
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Sure.
00:07:35
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and In school a lot of times young children and and when I was in the black community it was up through fourth grade and then in the farm community in rural America it was from the fifth grade through the end of high school and within those years usually understanding and compassion is not something that students offer to each other.
00:07:55
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So I had learned from a coping mechanism people could not tell what I was. So some people thought I was maybe Hispanic, some people believed I was maybe Arabic, some people believed I was Black, um some people believed I was different Mediterranean ethnicities. So I simply allowed that confusion to perpetuate. So I just kept them guessing in essence and I started to use as a coping mechanism Well, you know, you really don't know what you're talking about. You're wrong on all accounts. And I'm not going to tell you what you're seeking. So you're just letting me know how uninformed you are. So I kind of coped with it that way to kind of keep it distant, push it away, really not allow it to be brought to myself. And sometimes it was anyway. I mean, every slang or derogatory term for different ethnicities were used. And I would just shrug it off as, well, you don't know what you're talking about.
00:08:49
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So that was my coping mechanism to deal with that. So you learned basically to bury it as best as best that you could. yeah Did your parents give you um a safe space to be able to talk about your emotions or a safe place as we like to say today to lament? Yes, yes. And they were they were from a very difficult time. They were both born in the early 1900s. So they weren't necessarily touchy-feely and lament and share your feelings. They were more about, hey, tough love is you are who you are, the way you have been created, and that's enough. And my dad specifically, who was very, very based, his spiritual and faith was strong. So he was based in his faith. He would say,
00:09:41
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you do not want to let a eighth grader, a ninth grader, a sixth grader define who you are. They did not create you. They are not the ones that can identify or even tell what you are and they're not going to define who you are and it's not incumbent upon you to allow someone at that age to define your identity.
00:10:03
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your identity as who you're created to be just the way you are. And that's perfect. That's fine. So he will continue to speak these words into me, sometimes even forcefully, like how dare you let somebody else define who you are. um So while I wouldn't necessarily recommend that people be as forceful as my dad was, it did give me a certain confidence because then I could walk into an environment with confidence even when I was in the business world and say, you don't define who I am. My identity is and who I am, who I was created to be and who i who I am and how I was created is perfectly acceptable in the sight of God. and perfectly acceptable by those who love me, my parents, my brother, and others. So if you want to define me some other way, that's really more your problem than it is mine. And that came from my parents.
00:10:55
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Wow, that's awesome that you had such um strong parents in the faith and that your dad constantly spoke words of affirmation yes and words of life into you. Even though I've heard your testimony and I heard at times you didn't receive those words and you did walk through a very rebellious
Rebellious Years and Reconciliation
00:11:16
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time. Can you share a little bit about that?
00:11:19
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Yes, indeed. In my teenage years, as most children, many children do, I won't say most, many children do, I did have my rebellious years. And as I was rebelling, I did not appreciate or accept the love that my parents were giving me. My mom especially demonstrated unconditional love on a level that nobody else has ever been able to demonstrate in my life.
00:11:41
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And I would abuse that. I would respond to it. I would say things like, you're not my mom anyway. um All sorts of things that I would say that was very hurtful because I was just trying to create distance and I was rebelling anyway. And I really appreciate both of my parents. And one of the beautiful things that happened is before they passed, I was able to apologize and actually reconcile with them. But while I was going through this, I crossed the line one time too many.
00:12:10
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And at the time I was around 16 or 17 years old and my dad kicked me out of the house. And for the next week, I slept in the back of my 72 Ford Pinto and truck stops while I contemplated how stupid this was that I was so difficult and re rebellious to my mom and dad.
00:12:30
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And so that was that was a little bit of a ah shock to me. And then I went back home after a week. I was invited back in the house by my mom. New rules were established by my dad. Don't ever do that again or you'll exit the house again. I'll kick you out. And I stayed there until I was able to go to, well, I was in my third year of college when I was able to go to the main campus of the college I was attending.
00:12:55
Speaker
Wow. Wow. So it reminds me too of just how hard we were as kids because we felt rejected. did So therefore we were acting out of our brokenness um towards others and the people who loved us the most, which were our parents. yeah um So can you tell us, um, When your turning point was, when your perspective began to change, I know that you and I are both very strong in our faith now, but we weren't always that way.
Finding Faith and Understanding Father's Wisdom
00:13:32
Speaker
And so maybe you can share with those who might not be walking this walk of faith right now. um Help them to understand like, when was your turning point and and how did that happen? Yes.
00:13:47
Speaker
Well, I was in college at the time, and I ran out of money a couple of times in college, so I had to quit and then make some money and then go back. So I was in my fifth year for a four-year degree. I was getting ready to graduate. I had a job offer that was actually going to pay, as I mentioned, more than my dad ever made in his life. But I still felt, now that I felt I was, quote, rich because I could make more than my dad, I had a college degree which no one in my family had.
00:14:14
Speaker
I felt I was on a mountaintop, but yet I still felt an emptiness. There was something still missing and I couldn't figure out what it was. So I decided to go to a bookstore. My dad had always read this book that had a black leather cover with gold letters on it that said, Holy Bible. And I said, OK, well, let me go ahead and get this book and see if it can add any direction or maybe fill this void that I seem to have in my life. And when I opened the Bible for the first time,
00:14:44
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I started to read in the New Testament, the person at the at the bookstore had recommended that. My first reaction was, because my dad had said had so many quotes in his life, was, hey, they got this from my dad. Because he had spoken these words so frequently, I thought they were from him. He never said chapter such and such or verse such and such. He would just constantly speak these principles into my life. And my second reaction,
00:15:14
Speaker
was you are the one that has been orchestrating my life since conception. I'm all yours. And at that point, I started to recognize the gift I had received, foster care, adoption. I had recognized the gift of a God who has orchestrated my entire life all along the way. And I recognized the gift that my dad gave me by giving me such a strong faith. My mom had a strong faith too, but my dad's was dominant and the example my mom had given to me of unconditional love. There was nothing I could do and I tried involuntarily and many times voluntarily to get her to not love me. So I had these gifts in my life and that really turned my perspective. That's when everything changed and that's when I said
00:16:06
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I'm sold out, this is it, I'm all yours and really locked down and really started to consume the Bible to understand this God that has given me the gift of orchestrating my life and the parents that I had that raised myself and my brother.
00:16:24
Speaker
Wow, I've heard your story before, but I listen to it each time with an excitement and an expectation because it's so amazing. And to hear where you've come from and how you allowed God to come into your life, to be your Heavenly Father, to show you His identity, put His identity in you,
00:16:50
Speaker
and give you the worth that you and I were both looking for. um you're You're living a different life, and your life is living, is showing others who God really is without even having to speak. And so I just appreciate that, and I i get so excited when I hear your story, Tony, and I appreciate your vulnerability.
Discovering Foster Family's Love
00:17:14
Speaker
But there is another um chapter, and an unexpected chapter in your life that I would love for you to tell the people who are watching. um You shared it last year for the first time and it so blessed um the whole room of people um that were listening. And so I would also like for you to share that chapter, that gift that God gave you recently. Yes. And sharing last year was at your encouragement because I remember I shared it with you and said, I don't know if I should share this. It was still a fresh ah occurrence in my life and you encouraged me. So Jackie, first of all, thank you for encouraging me to do that. It's blessed many because of that.
00:18:03
Speaker
As I was growing up, I felt a compulsion to give back. I said, OK, I've received this gift of a God who's orchestrated my life, the gift of an adoption that wasn't perfect, but really blessed me beyond anything I had recognized in my young years. And as I started to get more involved, I was looking towards retirement and I was starting to get more involved in the adoption and foster care space. I learned about attachment disorder.
00:18:30
Speaker
And if we are not attached to an adult within the first few years of our life, it developed some complications and symptoms that we really have to contend with for the rest of our lives. And I did not have any of these. I don't know what had happened and at that time in those first two and a half years.
00:18:46
Speaker
So I had this nagging question mark of God, what happened in those first two and a half years? How many homes were I in? Was it loving home? Was it not a loving home? Why am I not exhibiting these symptoms? The clinical research has documented that usually is the case. And that question mark stuck with me for a long time. And I just said, you know, maybe on this side of heaven, I will never find out what it is. Well, when I was 59 years old, which I'm given my age, I am over 59,
00:19:16
Speaker
ah When I was 59 years old, I got a strange email through my website. And at the time, it was post COVID. And I had not been receiving a lot of emails through my website. So first, I was surprised to get one. And secondly, the email itself was a little bit of a surprise. So I'm going to read you what I received on that day. It was a Saturday morning.
00:19:42
Speaker
And it says, Mr. Mitchell, I am of the belief that my family fostered a child from six weeks old to the age of two and a half in Cleveland, Ohio, until he was formally adopted by another family. I believe that child may have been you. If you're the same person, I only wish to forward a few snapshots and relay some fond memories. If this is an error, please forgive my intrusion in the new sciences name. So my first reaction, I told my wife and she goes, well, call him.
00:20:12
Speaker
And he left this telephone number in the email after his name. And I said, I think it's a scam. I'm not going to call him because anything that he wrote in that is publicly available because I've told my story several times. So I waited. That was Saturday. Sunday, we went to church. Sunday afterwards, we had a picnic with some people at church. And then Sunday night, I decided to call him. And first, he answers the phone very groggy. And I said, hi, is this so and so? He said, yes, who is this?
00:20:41
Speaker
And I said, my name is Tony. I have received an email from you. Is this still a good time to talk? And he said, yes, it is. I've been waiting for this call my entire life. So I didn't know who he was or what this meant. So I knew he was of the family that would have fostered me. And he went on to tell me that he was the son of the couple that fostered me, ah that I had stayed in their home for two and a half years. He saw me at his as his brother.
00:21:10
Speaker
And he said, I remember the day they took my brother away and I've been looking for you ever since. And at this point, he was in his mid sixties. So then he started to confirm some things that nobody else really knows. So I knew it was legitimate. And then he shared some pictures that I've only have a handful of pictures other than what he's given me. And then we were able to have a great conversation. And God answered the question of what happened in those two and a half years. He said, I have placed you in a home, a very loving home, in one home for two and a half years. And whether the foster parents knew it or not,
00:21:48
Speaker
what they did impacted my life for the rest of my life because of that security and because of that love. So between between what my foster parents did and the sacrifices they made, and they were a white family that actually wanted to adopt me, but back in the early 60s, that was not permitted by law to adopt a person of mixed color, mixed heritage. So they loved me. And then I had an adopted family that loved me tremendously Even my younger years when everything was fine and in my later years when I was rebellious and God provided both of these families and my parents are gone um My foster parents don't know whatever happened to me
00:22:32
Speaker
but I'm here to tell both foster parents and adoptive parents what you do counts. As difficult as we can be, what you do really counts. And God gives us free will to either accept or reject your love, but what you do counts if we choose to recognize it, acknowledge it, and accept it.
00:22:55
Speaker
Oh, my goodness, hearing that again, it just oh touches my heart as an adopted child and hearing it because both of us are parents now. yeah And so we understand a parent's love and how a parent's love impacts their child's
Encouragement for Adoptees and Parents
00:23:13
Speaker
life. yeah And so thank you so much for sharing your story, for encouraging, I believe, other adoptees who might be listening And for sure, encouraging foster parents and adoptive parents. I thank God that you and I met at CAFO, that we have a kindred spirit to help encourage others in this journey, um whether you're adoptees or whether you're parents.
00:23:44
Speaker
And i am just so I feel so honored that God crossed our paths and that we got to know each other. And now we're being able to share our stories, not only to point others to Christ, but to encourage them as they walk this journey, because we know we can be very difficult children.
00:24:02
Speaker
We were, um but to encourage the parents along this walk. So I just want to say thank you, Tony, and I want to thank all of you who are listening today. I pray our prayers that you are encouraged, that you have hope,
00:24:17
Speaker
that if you're in a very difficult season of life in this journey, that you will be encouraged and to know that there is light truly at the end of the tunnel, that God um is not going to leave you hanging, He is faithful, and He'll meet you where you're at, and He'll provide everything you need. yeah So thank you for joining us today.
00:24:38
Speaker
Thank you, Jackie, for