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Adoption and the Church as a True Family
23 Plays7 days ago
Discover how the church's family concept challenges traditional norms by providing love, healing, and community to those often left out. Let's explore why supporting orphans, and adoptees can transform lives, making organizations a beacon of hope for everyone seeking belonging and support.
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Transcript
Introduction and Purpose
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi, welcome to Pause and Think. My name is Jackie Darby and I am the host along with Aisha, but Aisha's not here today. She has another commitment. So I am here doing this solo and it is a space for real and honest conversations regarding adoption.
Meeting Pastor Tom Turner
00:00:41
Speaker
Today, ah we have a very, very special guest. I know I say that all the time, but today is even more special because it is somebody that I have known, Randall and I have known personally for many, many years.
00:00:56
Speaker
And so I ah am going to introduce Pastor Tom Turner from Mobile, Alabama. He is the husband to his beautiful wife, Pam.
00:01:08
Speaker
He's the father of six sons, Thank
00:01:17
Speaker
pastor tom was my youth pastor randall's youth pastor my husband's youth pastor he's been walking with us since the day almost almost since the day that i gave my heart to the lord Definitely since the day my husband gave his heart to the Lord.
00:01:33
Speaker
he Pastor Tom, you have seen us through thick and thin. You have been our youth pastor. You knew us when we were single. You married us. You were with us when God called us to the mission field.
00:01:47
Speaker
And you have walked with us over the 32 years that we've been serving here in Guatemala. So I would like to welcome Pastor Tom Turner. Well, thank you, Jackie. I tell you, I don't have any words to to top that. you know i was thinking, you being a lady, you didn't tell how many years that was, but um I was thinking about this. It's is's over 40 years.
00:02:09
Speaker
That's hard to believe. You must have been a baby when we started.
00:02:15
Speaker
Yes, a baby.
Youth Ministry Insights
00:02:19
Speaker
Well, I am so honored to have you here on our podcast, and I'm super excited about the things we're going to talk about today. But i just want to start off our conversation, Pastor Tom.
00:02:33
Speaker
I know you and your late wife, Lori, have been so key in my healing process, um I wouldn't be sitting here in this chair today if it wasn't for all that you have poured into my life when I was a single, when I was just starting my faith journey.
00:02:50
Speaker
And i just want to kind of back up and go back to those days. um I know it's been a long time ago, as you said, almost 40 years ago, but you were ah my youth pastor, our youth pastor,
00:03:04
Speaker
And when I was at such a, it was just a really difficult time of my life when I was um just beginning in my my journey with the Lord. I gave my heart to the Lord and I was in your youth group.
00:03:19
Speaker
I was one of the older ones in the youth group, but I was a baby Christian, so I didn't care about my age. I just wanted to learn. I was like a sponge. I wanted to learn. and But today, you know there's a lot of young kids.
00:03:33
Speaker
um As we know, there's an identity crisis happening in amongst the young people, amongst anybody. And there are a lot of young people today who are maybe in the church,
00:03:46
Speaker
her walking around like myself, like I used to be with ah an orphaned or abandoned spirit. And how um how can you as a leader, how what are what kind of advice can you give to people or other leaders ah who are leading youth groups or churches? How can they minister to people like me as they're coming in the church?
00:04:12
Speaker
Well, let's be honest. None of us have the ability or the wherewithal to do it ourselves. You know, things have changed. It's a lot different than it was four decades ago. i think I think youth ministry, kids ministry is much more difficult today. I think it's just a different time, but the answer is still the same.
00:04:30
Speaker
And unless we have the power of the Holy Spirit, the anointing of the Lord on our lives, we can't do it. And I think the main thing is to Keep the main thing the main thing. Make sure we understand that everything still has to be centered in the word of God and without a relationship with the Lord. No one's going to heal. No one's going to go to the next level. No one's going to get past these things. And as you know, even when you know the Lord, there's a process and it takes time even with God's miraculous touch. So the best thing we can do as leaders is stick to the word of God, stick to what we know, trust God.
Scripture and Identity
00:04:59
Speaker
It's not trite. We have to walk in faith and prayer and just trust God to lead us through it.
00:05:06
Speaker
Yes, and that reminds me. ah The youth group that you were the youth pastor of was named Youthquake. And your key verse was Jeremiah 1.5.
00:05:19
Speaker
And I have i have my my study Bible sitting here, the Bible that I used when when you guys discipled me. And that verse in Jeremiah, before you know that God said that he knew me before I was ever formed in my mother's womb.
00:05:39
Speaker
And he set me apart. and And that verse in Jeremiah, I remember when when you you so chose that verse for the youth group, that was the first time i that I remember hearing that verse.
00:05:53
Speaker
And like you were talking about, it's it's the word. You give credit to the Lord. you know We can do all that we want to do. But we we, as Christians, we welcome the Lord into our lives and the the Holy Spirit.
00:06:05
Speaker
And the word became alive to me. And that verse, um when I heard that God knew me because I had so many questions, so many doubts, and I didn't understand like where I came from and why, all the whys.
00:06:21
Speaker
But when i when you read that verse and said, this is our verse for Youthquake, I don't even think you realized back then how how much that was going to be such a foundation in bringing change to my heart and bringing healing to my life, knowing that it doesn't matter if anybody knew about, you know, or if I knew about my beginnings, but God knew because he knew me before he ever formed me in my mother's womb.
00:06:53
Speaker
And that brought such a peace and started such a healing process in my life. And I just, you know, I just want to thank you um, for just hearing the Lord and for ministering to me where I was at, even though you didn't at the time know my story, because back then i was still very ashamed. I was walking in shame.
00:07:18
Speaker
I didn't know who I was in Christ. i didn't I struggled so much with my worth and identity, but you were obedient to the to the call of God in your life, and you were just ministering, and you were using the word of God.
00:07:33
Speaker
to minister to us. And that is what gave me my foundation today. So I just want to publicly, um you know, in front of our audience, say thank you for being faithful to the call, because I am a life that truly was changed because of what you and Lori did back then sowing into our lives with the word of God. But aside from the word of God, you you guys just had such a gift of opening your home to young people like me.
00:08:06
Speaker
And you know that maybe to this day and age, it might be a little different because of security reasons or you know danger. you know Things are happening that are crazy in this world.
00:08:18
Speaker
But I remember that. like you just had such a gift You guys had such a gift for hospitality. And you truly welcomed us. ah you know You didn't just welcome us by giving us a hug and saying hi, but you literally welcomed us into your lives, into your personal space, your
Pastor Tom's Adoption Journey
00:08:35
Speaker
home. and And, you know, would you as a pastor encourage youth pastors and and other pastors to do that still now in today's world?
00:08:47
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. Look, I know, like we said, we've already said a couple of times, things are different now. But truthfully, one thing I've learned is after this many years of ministry, I've been in ministry over about 45 years.
00:08:59
Speaker
and You know, I've learned that four and a half decades make you look like and you know a genius or an expert. The truth is you just do what you know. And the only thing we knew was the word. and only thing we knew was to love people. We really didn't know what we were doing, but God had the right timing. And so I still believe that, you know, I traveled quite a bit several years back. speaking and teaching youth leaders and youth pastors and churches.
00:09:24
Speaker
and one of the things I said over and over is so many youth pastors get in this situation, youth leaders, where they just want to be everybody's friend. They just want to be their buddy. And I said, you know, what what students need, what kids need, what youth needs, and it's even more pronounced now,
00:09:39
Speaker
40 years later is that we have such a generation without effective fathering, even though many kids do have great fathers, there's still a ah real dearth of that. There's, there's so much of that is missing. So I think if we could take more of a fatherly approach, a motherly approach in our ministry,
00:09:56
Speaker
ah So many kids are hurting that way. They may not be adopted. They may be from other for other reasons. They feel unwanted or rejected. But I think that's one of the key things that the ones I see that are the seem to be doing really impactful jobs are the people that do that still still open their lives and try to get into the lives of those students.
00:10:17
Speaker
I agree. and And I have seen you do that by example. You know, we joke, we're kind of close in age. I'm not far behind you. was one of your kids, you you know, in your youth group, but you did example You were an example of a spiritual father figure.
00:10:40
Speaker
And that is something I agree with you that in today's generation, so many are lacking a spiritual father figure. They're looking for that. And so speaking of the topic the of fatherhood, I'm That's another very special reason why you're here.
00:11:00
Speaker
I know adoption is very near and dear to your heart. And so i would like for you to share with the audience um your adoption story.
00:11:14
Speaker
Okay. Well, you know, adoption is one of those things that it is very special to us now. As you know, we have many adopted children in our church from all over the world. ah We have many families that either foster and or adopt children, and and we've just seen that. But what how that started for us, honestly, we didn't go in it with a this drip. We didn't feel called by God to go find a child and adopt. We actually were told we could never have kids. We had a plan for our lives. You know, hey, when we've been married four years,
00:11:43
Speaker
right, we'll start having a family. By the time we marry five, we'll have our first child. And that was the plan. But when five years came and went, six years came and went, and they began to tell us we couldn't have kids, you know, we both wanted children.
00:11:57
Speaker
You know, we loved kids. We were working with students and kids in a lot of the ministry. And so we wanted our own kids, right? And so the only option we heard of was adoption. And and that's how we got into this journey. It wasn't because of any other reason except we wanted a child. And Through that, doors have opened. it It put us in touch with so many people. And actually, we've had a hand in adoption for a few dozen kids over the years.
00:12:22
Speaker
And so we know that that's because God put us in that place. And I'm thankful for it because now I have such a heart for for orphans and for widows and for those who are hurting because they don't have a family.
00:12:35
Speaker
Yes. so you are an adoptive father. You guys adopted Brandon first. Brandon is full of life and he's such a blessing to your family. But i just want to bring out, you know, you said you were told you could never have kids.
00:12:50
Speaker
And sometimes, you know, that's what leads couples to adoption. But we like to say, you know, it wasn't plan B. We like to see that, you know, God ordained that and that he meant for Brandon to be part of your family.
00:13:05
Speaker
But You adopted. You were blessed with your first son, Brandon. But you know what? Even though the doctor said you could never have kids, God proved him wrong because you went on to have three biological
Emotional Challenges in Adoption
00:13:19
Speaker
sons.
00:13:19
Speaker
So you do understand... um adoption, but you also understand biological children as well. And so you bring a balance, you know, to the adoption story, you understand both sides of that.
00:13:35
Speaker
And so as an adopted father, you know,
00:13:41
Speaker
Adoption's beautiful. And I'm sitting here telling, you know, the beauty of it now, but it wasn't a beautiful walk. Like, like you said, it's it's been a process. Healing's been a process and the it's been a long journey for me.
00:13:56
Speaker
And there was a lot of times that wasn't so pretty. um But I'm sure every story, your story is no different. um There probably was some challenging times.
00:14:09
Speaker
And so i would like for you to be vulnerable and just maybe share one of those stories. one of those times that was challenging because we have parents who are listening, who are walking through this process, maybe walking through a very difficult time.
00:14:25
Speaker
Everything's not, you know, ah we're we're not looking at it with rose colored glasses. And so I would like for you to share maybe one of those um challenging times um and encourage any parent that might be listening or any any adult adoptee who's listening today.
00:14:44
Speaker
Yeah, you know, I think one of the things, one of the lessons we learned early on yeah was, well, it was very simple for us to fall in love with our child. You know, honestly, until we talk about adoption, we never think any differently of Brandon when we did the other boys.
00:15:00
Speaker
But we had to learn that that he didn't necessarily always feel that way. No matter what we told him, no matter how much we raised him as our own son, he grew up knowing that he was adopted.
00:15:11
Speaker
And that really came to a head probably when he was around 13 or 14. that it you know ah He had never asked about his birth parents. He had never you know he knew we knew. wasn't fully an open adoption, but we knew how to get in touch with these people.
00:15:25
Speaker
And it was a it was pretty bad situation originally. And so we had decided to hold all the information until he was 18. They gave him a choice. Well, when he was about 13, he started going through the typical...
00:15:37
Speaker
kind of spreading his wings, wanting to push your against authority a little bit. and And one day he made the comment is, well, you're not really my parents. And and and stormed out of the house and went went away for, don't half hour, 45 minutes. I don't know where he was going, but he disappeared.
00:15:53
Speaker
And so his mom and I just spent that time praying and talking. Did we just go and tell him? What do we do? he knows he's adopted. And so he finally came back. And in fact, i can't remember, may have gone outside and found him, but we got back together and and he had calmed down and and he apologized. But but I knew that that was a real raw emotion in him. I knew that wasn't just the anger of the moment.
00:16:14
Speaker
and it And it kind of came out and then it's come out even since then. Part of his healing process has been to come to grips with the fact that he felt rejected. And why did they not want me? But the good thing that came out of us, we were able to explain to him why his birth mom gave him up.
00:16:28
Speaker
And how it got him out of a really tough situation and that she actually did something very unselfish by giving him up. And then then i but I did tell him at that time, you know, you're not 14 yet. We made a decision before you were born that we're going at 18. We will give you the information if you want it.
00:16:44
Speaker
but we don't know that you can handle it before that. So I'm not going to do this because you're angry. I'm not going to hand this to you. So we're going to give you some time. And in a few weeks, if you still feel this way, then we'll talk about possibly moving that out. Well, time came and went he said, Nope, I don't want to know.
00:16:58
Speaker
In fact, when he turned 18, he goes, no, I'm fine. he He seemed to become, ah so you know, he but he was fine with it. think of the healing process started. Even though I know, even as he became a young adult, there were times when he wondered, but it seems like he's adjusted well now. And, uh,
00:17:14
Speaker
And so I think that that was a key time for us. And I think the learning for it was for us. It was hard for us to realize that he didn't feel fully like our child, even though to us, unless someone said he was adopted, we never thought about it. We really didn't think differently of him than the other boys.
00:17:32
Speaker
I love that. And what I'm hearing in all that you're saying about that specific situation is you had very honest and open conversations and communication with Brandon.
00:17:47
Speaker
Absolutely. You didn't hide it. You didn't ah ignore it and just think or go buy him something that, oh, this will make him happy. You went to where you felt like God was leading you where his pain was.
00:18:01
Speaker
And you addressed it. and that's so good because um we've heard a lot of stories now from both sides of the coin, you know, from the adoptive parent side, as well as the adult adoptive side.
00:18:14
Speaker
And one of the key factors that we feel um God wants to bring healing aside from him and the word, but it's something practical is, is communication.
00:18:27
Speaker
To you know here here hear the pain in your child and and to communicate, address it, communicate with him. Instead of just ignoring it and thinking it's going to go away, um you address it and you gave him space to to be in his you know to express his anger or his grief or his rejection, um to allow him to have his feelings, but to address it.
00:18:56
Speaker
And, you know, you already answered my next question about, you know, did you treat Brandon differently than then your other sons? And you already answered it. You didn't. you He was just one of your sons.
00:19:09
Speaker
He was one of your sons. He was treated the same. You loved him the same. Even though my Brandon might not have felt the same. And I i can relate to Brandon because... you know My parents felt the same, treated me the same. They never introduced me as the the adopted kid, even though everybody could tell I was the adopted kid because my story is much different than Brandon's. He blends in, um but I didn't never did blend in. So i love hearing you know how he was never treated differently. He was always, you you know you treated him equally and he was loved the same.
00:19:44
Speaker
um That's so good but about the communication because...
00:19:50
Speaker
I've heard um over time through other stories that, you know, parents are so they're walking on eggshells about communication. And I love hearing you just, you addressed it, you communicated and you work through it.
00:20:02
Speaker
And i I love hearing that. And I hope that encourages other parents to, to keep communicating. And we often joke, um you know, Brandon is so outgoing. you know, we joke that Brandon is the most like you. Yeah. He's so outgoing. He loves youth.
00:20:20
Speaker
Actually, he's your youth pastor at Praise Family. That's right. He has the heart um to minister to youth. And so we i just love seeing how God has brought healing to his life clearly and how now he is just another generation. Yeah.
00:20:39
Speaker
how he is pouring into other kids' lives, just like how you poured into my life. You're my spiritual father. um You're still our pastor today, our senior pastor today. Praise Family is our home church. We're proud to call Praise Family our home church.
00:20:55
Speaker
And how you have um adopted your son.
Church Support and Love
00:21:00
Speaker
You've shown him what a family is, what a true father is. And now he is replicating that. And that's what...
00:21:07
Speaker
that's what um Christianity is all about. That's what being a disciple is all about. Just passing it on, passing it on. And so I want to, and well, I want to ask you another question.
00:21:21
Speaker
As a senior pastor of a church with a lot of adoptive families, I know you have several adoptive families in your church.
00:21:31
Speaker
And I really believe that it you know flows from the head down. But you know James 1.27, how do you feel that you have, um or do you feel that you have set the atmosphere for that verse?
00:21:47
Speaker
Or do you see it as just by your family's example that that has just automatically set the atmosphere for adoption um and just looking after the orphaned and the widows too, like you said.
00:22:02
Speaker
Well, I think it's like any family. I think there's you know they they always talk about what leads someone's personality, do they turn out out the way they are. Many times they say its they talk about nature versus nurture.
00:22:13
Speaker
I think the church is the same way. So I think our church has both. I think part of it is the nature. People have seen that. They've all always known this. You know, Brandon never... Didn't know. he There was never a time when he did not know who was adopted, but it's not wasn't the top of a conversation every day, but it was there. Same thing in our church.
00:22:30
Speaker
ah But we've also, you know, as you know, our church is praise family church. And our big thing is families are middle name. And so we often address that, that we can be a family for those and we can be a family us. know, we want older people to be family for the younger people, whether you adopt them or not. You show love, especially to,
00:22:47
Speaker
ah fatherless children or if homeless ah children will have families or or widows that don't have anyone take care of them because that's what the Bible says we're supposed to do. And I think that is the atmosphere we, you know, I believe, like you said, I believe that came from, you know, naturally because that's just what we've done. But I also think it's something we've been intentional about because we want to be,
00:23:08
Speaker
That's what the church is supposed to be. We're supposed to be a family, but we're supposed to be a family that brings in people who are hurting and broken and need that kind of love. And that's why I believe the Bible is so clear that we're supposed to specifically look out for widows and orphans, because in those days they were...
00:23:23
Speaker
outcasts and no one would take care of them. And unfortunately, even though we have programs and we we have, there's less stigma about adoption, there's still some things that people ah go through when they go through these, the process of it. And when you have been adopted or you have an adopted child, you know that, that that still goes on. So we want to try to erase that because we want it just to be, look, we are the family of God and we want to be there to heal any hurt, to feel any need, and just to be there for anyone who needs whatever they need from god Well, I appreciate that. i appreciate your words. i have
00:23:57
Speaker
I personally ah can testify that I have seen you in action. you have been an example in my life. I've seen praise family be an example to your community.
00:24:09
Speaker
to the families who are in your church. they're Again, your church um is an example of the hands and feet of Christ, um whether they're adopting, whether they're older people that are embracing the younger people who are less fortunate,
00:24:28
Speaker
I know your youth group has an outreach. um You're in a lot of ah high schools and you're busing kids in who are coming from um impoverished areas or just areas that um are maybe lacking fathers.
00:24:43
Speaker
And that is an orphan and abandoned spirit child as well. Maybe they're not up for adoption, but they need that father
Closing Thoughts and Gratitude
00:24:50
Speaker
figure. And so, again, i just want to thank you. i thank you for your wisdom, your um input today.
00:24:58
Speaker
ah we could keep talking for a long time. I'd love to have Brandon on sometime because i i I love having the parent as well as ah the adult adoptee.
00:25:10
Speaker
And i know we don't want to call ourselves the adult adoptees, but it's just, a you know, it's part of who we are, but I'm on the other side. It's not a shameful thing anymore. I'm i'm thankful that I was adopted here on this earth, but I'm am super thankful that I am ah an adopted daughter of of the Lord.
00:25:33
Speaker
And so thank you, Pastor Tom, for being here. on our podcast. And thank you audience for joining us on Pause and Think. I hope that you have heard good nuggets of truth today that are that are going to encourage you in your process, whether you're an adoptive parent or an adopted child.
00:25:55
Speaker
God bless you.
00:25:59
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.