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Amber’s Journey: Adoption, Trauma & Healing
13 Plays2 days ago
In this heartfelt episode host Jackie Darby sits down with Amber Parker to share the powerful and deeply personal story of her family’s adoption journey. From a childhood calling to adopt a little girl from China to a series of miracles that led to Ruby joining their family just before the country closed its borders, Amber opens up about the joys, heartbreaks, and spiritual lessons woven throughout the process.
Whether you're an adoptive parent, an adoptee, or someone who wants to better understand the journey, this conversation is raw, real, and full of hope.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
Meet Amber Parker
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi, and welcome to Pause and Think. My name is Jackie Darby, and today we have another episode. I'm so excited for new friends. And so today I would like to um introduce my friend, Amber Parker.
00:00:39
Speaker
Welcome, Amber, to Pause and Think. Hi. um I just love, Amber, how God um crosses paths.
00:00:50
Speaker
And because
Amber's Family and Adoption Journey
00:00:51
Speaker
of our husbands, ah we met. And I just want to give you a chance to introduce yourself and tell our listeners who you are. Okay. Okay.
00:01:02
Speaker
Well, as Jackie said, my name is Amber. I'm a mother of three. i have two bio children and one adopted from China. um The two older ones are our bio children, two boys, and our daughter, Ruby, is adopted. And my husband, Chad, we've been together for almost 21 years.
00:01:25
Speaker
And so we met in college. um I also have my master's in photography, and so I teach. I've been teaching at my kids' school for the past couple years.
00:01:36
Speaker
And I think that's everything about me. Yeah. So Amber, we met because of our husbands at a trade show in Atlanta, Georgia.
00:01:48
Speaker
And like I said, I just love how God crosses our paths. in the subject of adoption came up between them. and to make a long story short, they're like, our wives have to meet.
00:02:00
Speaker
And when i called you and heard your story, I was like, oh my goodness, Amber has to be on our podcast because I love your story. um And our podcast is about having real and honest conversations ah regarding the topic of adoption.
00:02:19
Speaker
So Amber, why don't you take us back and tell us, briefly tell us about your adoption story with Ruby. Okay. Okay. Well, it started way back, actually, when I was a kid.
00:02:34
Speaker
God laid it on my heart at a young age to adopt, specifically adopt a little girl from China was what um was laid on my heart when I was pretty young.
00:02:46
Speaker
ah So I just kind of kept that with me through the years. And I met Chad in college. And that was one thing when we started dating. I asked him, you know, are you on board with something like this, like adopting a little girl from China. And he was like, yeah, I could see myself doing that. So i was like, okay, well, this should work. And then fast forward 15 years later. So there's a lot of life we lived in between.
Adoption Process and Challenges
00:03:12
Speaker
um And we also lived in China for a time.
00:03:15
Speaker
So ah before we had kids, we lived in China for three years. God gave us that opportunity to do ministry over there. And um it wasn't until we moved back and had our two boys that God started laying it on my heart again to start the adoption process.
00:03:34
Speaker
And our youngest was two at the time. And China has a law that your youngest had to be three. And so I wasn't sure if we could even start the process yet.
00:03:45
Speaker
But God just kept laying on my heart to look into it. And I was not ready. I did not want to start the process yet because I had a two year old and five year old.
00:03:56
Speaker
And so I was not ready for that. But um God very clearly spoke to my heart and just said, China's going to close. I need you to start this adoption process. And so that was very specific. And I was like, okay, okay, God, I'm going to trust in what you have planned.
00:04:13
Speaker
And so we started the process. And part of that is the organization that we worked with in China also fostered special needs kids. So i just happened to be looking on their website and we saw our daughter Ruby's profile.
00:04:31
Speaker
And I just asked, we were friends with the director. I just asked her, you know, can you tell me anything? And she really can't legally. She couldn't tell me anything about her. um But she remembered me requesting about Ruby.
00:04:48
Speaker
And she later on told me, oh, her file's coming up for adoption. I want you to tell your adoption agency so you can get her file. Well, when we mentioned that to our adoption agency, they told us that's impossible.
00:05:02
Speaker
You can never pick your child from a list that's not allowed. And so they told us that over and over. And ah we just kept telling them, well, this is what the director of the the new day is saying. Can you please just look into it? And they did.
00:05:19
Speaker
And they saw her file, but it actually went to another family. And so at that point, we were just like, okay, well, if God wants this little girl to be in our lives and to be our daughter. He's going to have to make the impossible possible because we're told that this is not going to work.
00:05:35
Speaker
Um, so we prayed about it. And a couple days later, I get a phone call from our agency and the woman on the other end was like, you're never going to believe this. And she's like, Ruby's file became available and we put your name on it.
00:05:49
Speaker
And so, and she told, she was just, she was shocked. She was like, this never happens is what she told me. And so I just laughed because i was like, well, I, God works in impossible ways. So ah continued So we continued with the process and Rui does have a special need. So part of that process is we have to learn about her special need and see if that's something our family could you know manage um with our other kids and things like that.
00:06:19
Speaker
But we just saw God working through this process so much and all the connections that we just felt like she was our daughter. And so we move forward with the process and the whole adoption process usually takes two years. Ours took nine months.
00:06:35
Speaker
And so from start to finish. I didn love, I love hearing these impossible stories yeah um because it shows how God has been involved in your story.
00:06:47
Speaker
right And there's so many details about your stories that are so amazing. um The fact that you were missionaries over in China And you had this desire in your heart from the time you were, you know, younger. And you always desired to have a ah little girl from China.
00:07:07
Speaker
But then you went back to the States, you had your own kids. And then how God worked all these different details out. It's it's so amazing. So go ahead. keep Keep telling the story. yeah Yeah. It's just the whole process along the way our agency kept telling us.
00:07:25
Speaker
that things that were happening were like some paperwork got messed up and they're like, you're going to have to redo this. It's going to set you back X amount of days, whatever. And then the next day we'd get a phone call. Oh, nevermind. It all went through.
00:07:38
Speaker
And that was a continuous thing throughout the whole process. We were told we did something wrong or something wasn't correct. And then we'd get a phone call the next day. and We would pray about it the next day. They'd be oh, everything worked out. And it was like crazy things.
00:07:53
Speaker
So the fact that God was, I could totally see God's hand throughout this entire thing.
Personal Healing and Family Dynamics
00:07:59
Speaker
And then even after the adoption, um because I had mentioned that God had said China was going to close.
00:08:07
Speaker
Well, about seven months after we adopted Ruby, she was adopted in 2019, COVID hit China and China closed February of 2020. And so that to me was just, that was another answered prayer.
00:08:22
Speaker
Seeing God work in that way, knowing he knew what was going to happen and knew we needed to get Ruby before that time was up. So Ruby made it to your house.
00:08:34
Speaker
Seven months prior to COVID. Cause after that was shut for two years, For adoptions. And if that would have been the case with her because of her special need, we believe she probably wouldn't be alive today.
00:08:49
Speaker
So God really worked out all these details. He really moved mountains for your family, for you and Chad. And that that's what makes your story so amazing because there are so many intricate details that...
00:09:04
Speaker
Only God could have worked out. And he just knew that he clearly wanted Ruby to be a part of your family, despite the odds, despite all the um challenges that you had in the legal legal process and just moving all the pieces to get her into your arms.
00:09:28
Speaker
And so i love your story. It's an amazing story. But is a is as amazing as your story is, you and i both know that challenges come.
00:09:42
Speaker
Yeah. As parents, there's just no manual that we can read to tell us A, B, C, and d and this is what you do. you know There's no instruction manual.
00:09:54
Speaker
And so we you and I both know as parents um that even with biological kids, that there are challenges And then when you add to the mix adoption and the unnatural separation that we have as adopted kids from our biological moms, um there had to have been a ah severe separation for us to become adoptable.
00:10:21
Speaker
Um, but through the grace of God, he provided parents for kids like Ruby and, and myself, um, into hands like you and Chad.
00:10:32
Speaker
Um, but like I said, as amazing of a story that you guys have, we're not um we're not so naive to think that there haven't been some challenges along the way.
00:10:45
Speaker
So as beautiful as it is, there's also brokenness and challenges. So i mean is there anything you would like to share regarding any of those challenges? Yeah, I think the hardest challenge for me, or I guess the one I didn't really think about that much until we had Ruby with us was her trauma and sitting with her in that trauma, especially for me, because I am also um a child of trauma growing up with domestic abuse.
00:11:21
Speaker
And her trauma really triggered me. And I did not realize where that was coming from, like my reactions until I had time to just kind of step away. But in the moment, my reaction was really hard. it was hard for me to be in her presence when she was having her own trauma, like a fit or something that was related to trauma.
00:11:50
Speaker
um And it was really hard to see her that way. Because initially, when we first had her the first few years, she would just shut down and start screaming and would go internally. Like she'd go inside herself, shut her eyes as tight as she could get them and just scream for two hours.
00:12:13
Speaker
And with there's nothing, nothing we could do to get her out of that. She would just eventually come out and open her eyes and would it was done and you're like, I don't, I don't know what just happened.
00:12:25
Speaker
But for me, all the screaming brought a lot of my own trauma to to light of things I hadn't dealt with from my past. And so I think that's been the hardest thing for me because I didn't realize all of this was going to come up.
00:12:42
Speaker
Like all the things from my past were going to come up in when we're having to help her. And so the good thing about that, though, is God used that to bring healing to myself. I was able to I've been going to counseling and using that um to really recognize what happened to me and get healing.
00:13:06
Speaker
And so even though it was the first two years, especially have been really, really hard with that, God used that pain and suffering and that hard time to bring so much healing to myself.
00:13:19
Speaker
And so I've changed a lot and grown a lot because of that. And Ruby has changed and grown too. She also goes to counseling and that has really helped her a lot as well. And so just knowing how to help her one, because when you're in the midst of it, you feel very um helpless.
00:13:38
Speaker
You don't know what to do. in those situations, even though we took all the classes and learned all the things that you're supposed to do. But when you're in it and you see this child like really in pain and suffering and there's really nothing you can do, it's hard just to sit and hold that child while they're screaming.
00:13:58
Speaker
oh Wow. I'm so sorry to hear um all that you have been through as a child. And I appreciate, that's i that's why I really appreciate your story because I appreciate your vulnerability, your honesty of admitting that her trauma led you um or triggered you with your trauma and trauma that you didn't even realize that you didn't even deal with yet. Right. And how it led you to understand that, hey,
00:14:36
Speaker
not only does Ruby need help, I need help too. And not a lot of people or adults are willing to admit that. um And so I just thank you for for just being vulnerable to to our listeners, to those who are watching, that it showed that you had some weaknesses as well.
00:14:58
Speaker
And until you were able to go and deal with that Through counseling, which we're all for counseling. We love counselors um because, you know, we know that God can bring healing, but he also uses people like counselors who are educated and professionals in these areas who can help us.
00:15:18
Speaker
in these trauma related situations. And so um it sounds so hard what you've all been through, but it all also sounds really um amazing how God has used counselors and one, you know, he's used Ruby to even bring another layer of healing in your own personal life. Right.
00:15:42
Speaker
and because of what you've been through. So I love that part about your story, even though it's been ah a story of suffering too, for all of you, um not just Ruby, not just yourself, but clearly it's probably affected your biological kids. Can you can you share anything about that? How how the dynamics have been?
00:16:05
Speaker
Yeah. um Our oldest, when Ruby was adopted, he was around five and our youngest was had just turned three just a few months before so for it was actually the hardest for our youngest son our middle son now when we brought ruby home he went from being the baby to the middle child and it wasn't a baby it was a toddler we brought home and so they are a year apart in age uh and that was really challenging for him he
00:16:36
Speaker
He actually had a hard time with anger management and was beating up Ruby daily. um Just he couldn't handle the change that was going on. And then also seven months after we had brought Ruby home, COVID hit. So we were all together in this house, isolated For like months.
00:16:58
Speaker
And so he just could not handle it. um We actually ended up getting him counseling as well to help him with his anger management, which helped him a lot. help it I was surprised it would help a three-year-old, but it really did help him understand why he was feeling the way he was feeling.
00:17:16
Speaker
But that was a hard adjustment for them. But now ah the three of them are like, you know, always together. They stick up for each other. they they're there for each other. and our oldest has always been kind of the peacekeeper. And he tries to like bring them together. And so they're really like um kind of like a little...
00:17:37
Speaker
group of three and they stay together and they're tight knit. um And even when they were younger, like ah my our middle son Jackson and Ruby went to preschool together.
00:17:48
Speaker
And anytime she was struggling, like crying or upset, he would come from his class just to comfort her. So even though he was struggling with her at times, he was still comforting her and caring for her.
00:18:01
Speaker
So That's awesome. And so clearly you guys have worked through some pretty hard and challenging situations. Right. And as much of a struggle as it was for your youngest son, he also went into that protective brother mode. and so there was a bonding, there was love there.
00:18:22
Speaker
And clearly um you you as a mom, and I'm sure Chad as her dad, you've put in a lot of um hours to bring, to help create this piece.
00:18:39
Speaker
And one thing I love, I think, about your story is that You allowed, well, your kids were displaying some some emotions, some deep emotional things from, like you said, anger, deep anger, because you know when you brought Ruby home, he he wasn't the baby anymore. He became the middle child.
00:19:01
Speaker
And so he was displaying some stuff. Ruby was the great change in her life coming into your lives, not as a baby. um So there was a lot of trauma there.
00:19:14
Speaker
for everybody. But what I'm hearing is that you guys have created some pretty safe spaces for lament for them to be able to, um even though it wasn't comfortable and it sounds really excruciating um having three small children. drink And we definitely didn't do it perfectly. There are times where I said things and did things that, you know, I had to seek God for forgiveness and those weak moments were,
00:19:43
Speaker
you know, we're not gonna do everything right. and And again, i so appreciate your honesty because that's that's why we have this podcast, to just have some real honest conversations because we don't want to continue painting the picture.
00:19:59
Speaker
Of course, adoption is beautiful. It comes from the Bible. You know, Ephesians chapter one, it talks about that God predestined us for adoption.
00:20:10
Speaker
He wants to be our heavenly father. But here on this earth, it's And as we represent earthly adoption, it's not all beautiful. There is a lot of brokenness. And so as Ruby came in to be a part of your family, which clearly it was God's plan, there was still stuff you guys had to work through and work out. And I'm sure that it's an ongoing process, just like it has been in my life.
00:20:35
Speaker
But I love that you're able to tell the listeners about this, that you're not a perfect parent. It's never been a perfect space. um But how you have been walking this out.
00:20:47
Speaker
And that's what I really appreciate about this. So, of course, there's been really hard stuff. There's been. um You've been learning through the process, but i would like to know, um can you also tell our listeners some um some of your favorite memories?
00:21:06
Speaker
um
Special Needs and Family Support
00:21:07
Speaker
How old are your kids today? um Our oldest just turned 12. His name is Zach. And then our middle son, Jackson, is nine. And Ruby just had her birthday May 31st.
00:21:19
Speaker
So she just turned eight. ah So tell us some some special memories that you've had with Ruby or the three of your kids. how you know What are some positive memories and good memories that y'all have had as a family?
00:21:33
Speaker
Yeah. um One of the earliest memories I have with Ruby was actually two days after we got her um in China and we were in our hotel room and she hadn't moved or spoke or done anything for two days because she was in shock from everything that had happened.
00:21:53
Speaker
But I was playing with her. We had these little foam like things you could pop them in and out. And I was popping them out and just making a little sound going boop. And she just started laughing like this belly laugh just and it was so great to finally see her like interacting with us and smiling and looking like that's the first time we'd seen her even smile.
00:22:17
Speaker
So she's laughing and we got and Chad got it on video of like me playing with her. And so that's like a really good memory of just like how she was starting to trust us and was laughing with us.
00:22:31
Speaker
Um, and then after we brought her home, her first birthday that we got to spend with her, her third birthday, we did a family vacation to Gulf Shores.
00:22:43
Speaker
And so was our first family vacation with the five of us. And we went to Gulf Shores, Alabama and got, uh, rented a house and we brought all this stuff and had a big party for her. So we set up the whole room and decorated it with all this ocean themed,
00:22:58
Speaker
stuff And so was our first time getting to celebrate with her and she was just so happy and excited to have like this little party. And so it was nice to just have it be the five of us and celebrating with her in person.
00:23:12
Speaker
And we travel a lot and we do lots of fun things together because we just, you know... We like to go do new things and try new things. So we're always doing different things together. oh And i again, you know, hearing those special memories and how it takes time.
00:23:33
Speaker
It takes time. It takes being intentional about creating those memories and creating that family time where She feels like she belongs as part, she is part of your family and just, um, creating that, that place for your, your other two sons as well.
00:23:52
Speaker
And so that that's so beautiful. And you had mentioned that, um, Ruby has some special needs. Um, huh And I'm sure that also brings some challenges to you as a family. And as you're going through this whole process, you know, we have, um, we're trying to also just, uh, help the church, the big church, the big C church, um, to understand families like yours. I know adoption is becoming much more common and acceptable in the United States,
00:24:29
Speaker
ah much more than when I was adopted in the 60s. um But what could you what words could you give to maybe church leaders um in regards to like families like yours who maybe want to be a part and help you in some way as you're walking through or as another family's walking through this process?
00:24:54
Speaker
What are some practical things that you see that maybe the church could be of help to families like yours as you're walking through this process? Yeah, I definitely think that the church could do a better job of coming around families who have adopted or or even fostering.
00:25:14
Speaker
That's where we saw a lack, really. um We didn't have too many people that were checking on us and seeing that we were doing okay.
00:25:26
Speaker
Really, i can't really think of anybody at the moment, like initially. Yeah. So I think the church could come around, like bring these families meals, check on them, talk with them, and not just ask like, how are you doing and expecting a fine answer, but be okay with that family sharing some hard stuff because we learned.
00:25:50
Speaker
Really quickly, when people asked us how we we were doing, they really didn't want to know how we were doing. Because when I would share something that hard was happening, um I knew like with certain people, I'd get weird looks like if I shared something and they didn't want to hear that.
00:26:07
Speaker
And so I knew i learned we Chad and I both learned really quickly who we could tell things to and who we couldn't. And so that was really hard because we just felt like very isolated and alone, um especially in the beginning. Like, I don't think people who haven't experienced adoption or have done fostering or anything, i mean, they can't fully understand what you're going through, but they also weren't trying to support us either.
00:26:35
Speaker
And so I've made it, um personally, I've tried to do a better job of that with other adoptive families, especially adoptive moms, because the moms are usually the ones home caring for the kids more often, you know, the dads are going to work and That's very important for them to do. But the moms are dealing with a lot of the emotions and a lot of the things that are happening.
00:27:00
Speaker
And so just I try to reach out to adoptive moms that I know and just be check in on them. Hey, let's go get breakfast. Let's go get coffee. Let me know how you're dealing. Let's talk about the hard things.
00:27:12
Speaker
Because so many times I had people who didn't want to do that. And didn't want to, they didn't even bother to ask how we were doing. And so that was really hard. I felt very alone, especially the first like year.
00:27:27
Speaker
um But, you know, I had a friend who she's become like a really close friend of mine now. And I met her through an adoptive mom group that I'm now a part of, um have been a part of for several years. But I met her and she just said, hey, let's go out to dinner. I want to hear your story.
00:27:45
Speaker
And that, for me, changed so much in me because she cared just to sit and listen without judgment. She didn't say anything. She just heard my story and prayed for me.
00:27:56
Speaker
And we've over the years have become really close. And so that's what I think the church needs to do is really just bring attention to that and just be supportive of these families because you can support them through the point of going through the adoption, but they need more support afterwards when the child is with them and they're having to go through these things that they don't know really how to handle at times, or they just need someone to talk to, or they just need someone to pray with them, bring them a meal, babysit something, you know, they just need some care. And I think that's lacking.
00:28:35
Speaker
That's so good. That's so good to um that you're bringing all this up.
Church and Community Support for Adoption
00:28:41
Speaker
um A lot of churches that we're affiliated with, you know they're so great at having food trains and when ah families, when there's somebody in the hospital or somebody has a new baby, but you know this area of adoption um could be new to churches And so this is good just to share that this is another area, you know, it's like, even though maybe you might get ah an adopted child as a toddler or older, it's still in, it's still like birthing, you know, having a new baby, having a new child.
00:29:14
Speaker
So your whole family is going through that process and working through, like you have said, the trauma and just the whole adjustment period and everything. So that's just good practical information. And I hope if anybody's watching.
00:29:31
Speaker
And there's different challenges with adoption versus having your biological children. Because like you said, you're dealing with and trauma, you're dealing with changes,
00:29:42
Speaker
for them and yourself. And a lot of it is unseen. And so people don't see the struggle. They don't know what's really happening. And if they don't care to like invest in that person or look into that, then that person's, that family especially is going to feel alone.
00:30:02
Speaker
because they're not they don't know how to tell people, hey, this is what's really going on. And even our daughter who has special needs in the beginning, that was extremely hard adjustment for us because a lot of her our focus was on her. And so our other two kids were getting like ignored in a lot of ways because we were having to deal with her medical needs just to get her healthy again.
00:30:26
Speaker
um And so because of that, you know, that's also isolating because people can't they don't understand like how what we're doing behind the scenes because Ruby's special need is not visible. So people don't see it. People don't know that she has one.
00:30:43
Speaker
And so they're not seeing all the things we're doing behind the scenes to care for her in that way also. So that's also can be challenging for people who have adopted or have adopted kids with special needs. It's hard. It's a hard road and it's hard to do it alone.
00:30:59
Speaker
That's so good. Thank you for sharing all that because, you know, we can walk into church on a Sunday morning, somebody sees us an hour or two, we're, you know, maybe dressed a little nicer, we're all cleaned up and it looks good.
00:31:10
Speaker
But once we leave the church, you know, life continues to happen. So that's so good that you're sharing that, that yes, there are needs. And, you know, there might be somebody on the outside saying, which we've heard,
00:31:23
Speaker
um Well, that was their choice. you know They wanted to get into it. you know Why should I have to do that? But you know my answer to that is if we're if we're the family of Christ and as families, you know we we should care about each other. We should want to bear one another's burdens and and be there and help each other out.
00:31:43
Speaker
And so sometimes um people don't really know what we're going through. So through a podcast like this, They're hearing that yes, there are needs. Sometimes there's huge needs. And like you said, your other two sons felt maybe, and maybe you felt like you were abandoning them because you were so focused on her physical needs and just trying to get through the transition.
00:32:09
Speaker
So all of that is so good. Um, I
Conclusion and Resources
00:32:12
Speaker
hope everybody and anybody who's listening, um, hears, um, your encouragement, how the church, how we, we, the church, even, i mean, it's good for myself to hear how I can be a blessing to families like yours and just, just offer, or even, you know, offer to help or just do some little act of kindness to want to walk with somebody, you know, like you who is walking through this great transition and, and,
00:32:44
Speaker
you know, change in your lives, not just your personal life, but your family's life and how I could possibly be a blessing. So i am just so thankful, Amber, for you, you and your story, your Chad story to Ruby story and your boys and for just being vulnerable this morning and sharing with our listeners.
00:33:05
Speaker
um Clearly adoption um is what knit our hearts together and brought us into a new friendship. I'm so thankful for that. And so thank you for being on. And I just want to say thank you to all of our listeners um who have joined us today for Pause and Think.
00:33:23
Speaker
um Please continue to join us every two weeks as we just have another honest conversation. Thank you. about adoption and just to bring encouragement and just to help um open ah our minds to what goes on in the adoption world whether it's an adoptive mom like you amber or um adoptees or just people within the church so join us in two weeks um
00:33:53
Speaker
to hear another episode. And you can always go to our website, whosami.org for more information. So thank you and God bless you.
00:34:06
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.