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“Gotcha Day: Celebration or Trigger? Navigating Adoption with Sensitivity”
14 Plays1 day ago
In this thought-provoking episode of Pause & Think, Aixa and Jackie engage in a vulnerable conversation about the complexities of "Gotcha Day"—the day many adoptive families celebrate when a child joins their family. Drawing from their personal experiences—Aixa as an adoptive mother and Jackie as an adoptee—they reflect on how this day can mean vastly different things depending on one’s perspective.
They explore the joy and celebration many families feel, while also addressing the grief, shame, and identity struggles that some adoptees may experience. Together, they offer wisdom on creating space for children to express their full range of emotions, respecting individual experiences, and being sensitive to the deeper layers of adoption.
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Transcript
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:20
Speaker
Hola. Hi. Welcome to Pause and Think. Hi. We're doing English today. We're doing English.
00:00:34
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Okay. yeah Hi, welcome to another episode of Pause and Think, where we take a look at difficult subjects and have actual...
00:00:49
Speaker
meaningful conversations. Hopefully we can serve you. And today we're going to talk about something that I never thought when I started this adoption journey that would become controversial in a way, and it's gotcha day.
00:01:04
Speaker
Gotcha day. So, yeah, this is, first of all, let us define it because it's like the celebration adopted families, um,
00:01:16
Speaker
do to commemorate the day they bring their baby or their child through adoption home. And so all families have different traditions, but they basically go through the story again and, you know, maybe have a cake and celebrate that you became part of our family and that your trajectory basically changed.
00:01:38
Speaker
So that's in a nutshell what gotcha day means. means In our family, it's not gotcha day. um We sort of um took it from a Disney show, actually. My kids actually named the day.
00:01:54
Speaker
And it's Bienvenida, which is like a welcome day to their for their sisters. And so in our house, one of our girls absolutely loves it and looks forward to it.
00:02:09
Speaker
And the other one's like, oh, that's today. And that's just the way she approaches it. And we were just chatting off camera that, you know, it may change the future. But I really want to talk to you about it and how you feel about it because you're farther along in the, in the you know, journey.
00:02:28
Speaker
And so, yeah, let's talk about how it's been for both of us. Well, thank you, Aisha. And this is a very, very interesting subject to touch on. um It's new.
00:02:42
Speaker
Well, not super new, by we've heard we've been hearing a lot more about it just because our passion for for foster and adoptive children. And so, yes, this is a very interesting subject for me.
00:02:58
Speaker
And I love to hear different views. And I just want to start out by saying, you know, you and i are not psychologists, far from it, but we have experience, you as an adoptive mom, Aisha, and myself as an adoptive daughter, um to just talk from experience and because um God has brought into our lives many other adoptees and their families.
00:03:26
Speaker
Mm-hmm. So all that we share today is coming from our life experience in this area yeah and not because we've actually studied it. So we just want to make that clear. And I, um first of all,
00:03:41
Speaker
I was adopted back in the 60s. So back then there was no gotcha day. There was no gotcha day. Adoption was even so... um It was not common like it is today.
00:03:56
Speaker
i was the only um adoptive kid in school, along with my brother and sister. um to my knowledge, there was no other adoptive child in our school. for I'm talking from kindergarten until the day I graduated. Oh, my. so Now in Sunday school and school, um you just hear so of so many families, thank the Lord.
00:04:19
Speaker
Thank the Lord. Times have changed. But back then, i don't even know the exact day because my mom went to be with the Lord. So I don't even know the exact day that if we want to call it my gotcha day, I know the month, which is in February.
00:04:36
Speaker
But i now that I'm a mom, now that I'm on this side of brokenness, I have mix mixed feelings about it. who um I don't feel super strong. i can understand um one perspective and I can understand from the perspective probably more so on my side as a child, as the child of adoptive parents.
00:05:03
Speaker
But Thinking back to my situation um on the side where I had a very broken perspective, I was angry, um I was I think if I had to choose only one word, I was very ashamed of my story.
00:05:22
Speaker
i was very ashamed that I was adopted. I was ashamed of hearing my story and why i had to be adopted. It wasn't, um you know, I seen it as...
00:05:37
Speaker
I had to be adopted because I was rejected and abandoned. And so for me as a child, if i would if i look back at it now, I think for myself, I would have seen it as a day of that represented rejection and abandonment because i had to become part of another family because my family of origin did not want me.
00:06:06
Speaker
And so- understanding how when I look back into my childhood, how I thought I felt. here I'm not so sure I would have been a huge fan of Gotcha Day. Celebrating it.
00:06:21
Speaker
Yes. And celebrating. So tell me, I'm interested in understanding and maybe even, you know, yeah understanding other stories. Yeah. um Tell me the difference between the girls, why yeah maybe you think there's such a drastic difference.
00:06:36
Speaker
Yeah. Well, On my side, I understood on an intellectual level, the theory. I understood that I had to come into the picture because my little girl had lost everything.
00:06:51
Speaker
And that wasn't lost on me. However, I had two biological kids and she was six and a half when she arrived. So I thought, you know, we'll have a little intimate little party. And I had a cake made for when we arrived home and I pulled it out. It was pink and it had flowers on it.
00:07:11
Speaker
And, you know, we we had a little party at home. And just to welcome her and then did a tour of the house and and everything. And I think we, I mean, I set the standard right for...
00:07:26
Speaker
the day she arrived. And showed in her mind, I think it's like, oh, so it's a party. And I really wanted the side of redemption to shine through and to communicate to her, you are very welcome.
00:07:38
Speaker
This is your home. Your life is so worthy of celebration. And we are so happy that you are one of ah us now. And we love parties and we love cake and we love, you know, that you're a little girl. Of course, you're Latinos.
00:07:52
Speaker
Latino. Everything's a celebration. We do parties. if Everything's a party. So, you know, we just welcomed her and she and ah loved that.
00:08:04
Speaker
And to this day, she loves that kind of attention and just, you know, getting a little something and gifts. And, you know, when people message her and she will post stuff for close friends in her social media and stuff like that.
00:08:17
Speaker
um With our other daughter, she came at nine and a half. And with her like the vibe, as people say, is i had ah ah an urgency to get her out of the orphanage.
00:08:30
Speaker
Like my my feeling ah when we went to get her was urgency. So there wasn't, I mean, we had a stuffed animal. We had like a welcoming thing. But my thing was, let's get home.
00:08:43
Speaker
Let's get home. and Let's get you Out of those clothes, ah get your hair clean. let's like i had a and different understanding because it was a year later. And I had a different mission. And I think she picks you know they pick up on that. Of course. and so they you know And they are two different personalities, like opposite personalities.
00:09:05
Speaker
Yeah. So Evelyn is like very laid back on that sense. And she's like, oh, oh, we're doing that. Oh, awesome. So anyways, so on my side, wanted to, you know, ah have an atmosphere of welcome and celebration.
00:09:25
Speaker
And throughout the years, I've also you know, made it a point to have space for them to express every feeling. Like whenever I i felt even the Lord you know, tug at me and say, open up the conversation. You haven't talked about this in months. So, you know, I remember during the pandemic, I just cold, cold turkey just sat down with them and said, hey, girls, we haven't talked about your, you know, feelings lately around the adoption.
00:09:57
Speaker
i want you to know every feeling you have is valid. Yeah. anger and anger and a shame and and sadness in and grief and all of that, you're you' right to feel it because you lost everything. And I just want you to know that I know that and I care. And whenever you want to talk about it, even if it's not with me, you are totally entitled to to feeling those things.
00:10:24
Speaker
And so I hope that I have brought, you know, that balance. um And, you know, Darlie still looks forward to that celebration every day, every every year. And it may change as she matures, as she understands things differently, considers other perspectives.
00:10:44
Speaker
And it's fine because and ultimately I think the child should direct how her story or their story is handled Exactly. And that's so good, Aisha, that you brought that out, you know the difference, because your girls are different. God created all of us to be different. So what we're saying today isn't about just how I feel this is...
00:11:10
Speaker
written in stone, do it this way, or you're not saying that this is how my daughters feel, or even all the other stories that we have heard, because there's a multitude of feelings yeah and differences, and that's that's okay. And we're not here to debate what's right and what's wrong, yeah but just that we are different.
00:11:34
Speaker
Every child is different. And just because whoever came up with gotcha day doesn't always mean it's this grandiose celebration.
00:11:45
Speaker
And it should be. And so i think coming from the side of a child, and I know that I did not express a lot of my feelings. yeah I put a smile on my face and I went along with it because I didn't want to be rejected again.
00:12:02
Speaker
I didn't want to be looked down upon or come across like I wasn't grateful. So if my parents would have started that, I might have gone along with it too, yeah but they never did.
00:12:13
Speaker
And looking back, I have often wondered like, how would I feel? And is it, I question I love what you said. you know You brought them home. You did the celebration at home in the privacy of your home. Yeah.
00:12:29
Speaker
You didn't make it a public, look at me, what we did. We we rescued these girls or you know we brought them in and it's their gotcha day.
00:12:40
Speaker
You made it about them. You wanted to make sure they knew they were celebrated. This is a new chapter. And we you know we you brought in redemption, as you said.
00:12:50
Speaker
You wanted them to understand that it was redemption, a new chapter, a new life, a new beginning, um but yet you were respecting their feelings. And so I love hearing that because sometimes I think we as humans can just, oh, that's a new, you know, um what do we, Mola, new- Like a trend. Trend happening.
00:13:16
Speaker
So let's get on board and we all got to do it. Yeah. But not every trend is is for everybody. Yeah. You know? and you know and we found really strong feelings around it, honestly.
00:13:29
Speaker
Because for you know for adoptive parents, and I am part of leading ah the adoption support group for families, for parents.
00:13:41
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And parents, you know, we celebrate in that chat. They share pictures of the day, you know, they brought their kids home and everything is just different. And in that chat, we get to, you know, just hug one another virtually because it's people from all over Latin America.
00:14:00
Speaker
And it's fine. it's We understand it. But sometimes what what they miss out on is the fact that that they are also celebrating the loss, in a way, of that child's first family. Because it's their gain.
00:14:20
Speaker
Exactly. because But it's the child's loss. It's a tragedy and also a celebration. But it's a tragedy. And so sometimes, you know, I come across, I don't know how they view my input.
00:14:34
Speaker
Sometimes I do step in and say, listen, consider the fact that your children, especially when they are becoming teenagers, It gets difficult. It gets, you know, the questions start to come in and the attitude and the, you know, the distance. And they're like, oh, but they they used to love this. And yeah, but they're realizing they lost their first family. And it's never, it's that's never good. That's never...
00:15:04
Speaker
sweet or, you know, God's plan. Honestly, it's not. It's, we are a redemptive measure, but, but every child is worthy of being conceived in love, received in love, raised in love and celebrated throughout their lives in the family of their origin.
00:15:25
Speaker
And when that doesn't happen, it, we, we do well in recognizing that's a tragedy. And I think that is so good that you brought that out, that just because at two years old, they love the celebration, what child wouldn't love a celebration or a gift or a cake?
00:15:42
Speaker
But when you're 12 or 22... or twenty two our feelings change. And not that we give in to all feelings because we do know feelings change. But we become more aware as child it's as adults, as we're growing into adulthood, um why we were adopted.
00:16:04
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And our minds, I believe, go there whether we want to express it or not. And and I have heard from so many adult adoptees because just like you are part of the adulted or the family support group, I help lead the adult adoptee support group in Latin America. And I've had the privilege of meeting so many other adults.
00:16:28
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:16:32
Speaker
of their hurt and brokenness because the because of jesus um that now they can express um what they're feeling. And it's not always, most of the time, it's very different than when they were a child.
00:16:47
Speaker
Yes. So I think it's so wise of parents if they just don't um put it in concrete that, okay, this is how we're doing it. We're doing it every year this way and too bad. Hope you like it. No.
00:17:02
Speaker
Just really be wise in understanding and open those conversations like you said. Because I really feel like in my case, if my mind mom and dad thinking back to if there was social media, if they would have been posting on social media that this is the day we got you,
00:17:21
Speaker
even though their feelings are valid and wonderful and i their heart would have been right in celebrating their their the birth into the family of their new child, I'm not negating any of those wonderful feelings from the parents, but I do think there's a balance and to take it into consideration and – And celebrate maybe privately. But I think if I could...
00:17:57
Speaker
put myself back into those shoes of a teenager and I would see, oh my goodness, my parents posting about the day I i was adopted. And I knew that I hadn't even talked about being adopted to my friends in school because I was so ashamed of it.
00:18:14
Speaker
But if I would have seen they were posting all about my adoption, I think I would have died a thousand deaths. by But yet to have those conversations within the privacy of your home,
00:18:27
Speaker
And to understand maybe where your child's coming from. And I'm not even saying that every child could even express it. Because I remember, i was just thinking back and I remember...
00:18:41
Speaker
I remember specific times when I'd be in the car with my mom and she would be she would ask me, why are you so unhappy? e She didn't grasp the whole complication of what your story- She sensed.
00:18:59
Speaker
She sensed that there was no joy. but maybe didn't connect it to the adoption part.
00:19:10
Speaker
And she felt, and this is where i I want to encourage the parents, she thought it was something she wasn't doing for She was doing, i can tell you, I can promise you, everything that she could do for me.
00:19:24
Speaker
She was a good mom. she They provided everything. But there was something deep within me that was causing that anger or or sadness.
00:19:35
Speaker
It wasn't anything that she as a parent was lacking in And so I hope that is encouraging to the parents that there's times where your child might go through sadness but it doesn't mean it's your fault. yeah It doesn't mean it's your, you're doing something wrong.
00:19:54
Speaker
Yeah. I would, I would encourage the parents listening. um if you're If you have this tradition, if if you do, and if your child enjoys it and really enjoys it, because many kids will not show right that they're struggling through anything.
00:20:14
Speaker
So be it gotcha day or be it their birthday or mother's day, which are all very triggering. Oh, and not that's a whole nother subject. Yeah. might I just pray that you consider your child's heart in all of this.
00:20:32
Speaker
May you have the sensibility to get yourself out of the center. Put yourself in their shoes. Yes. And just ask yourself, what would I feel like? And even if you answer, I'd be so grateful, I'd be so happy, be grateful.
00:20:51
Speaker
Well, we're not the same person. And so we are called to steward our motherhood, our parenting to honor the Lord. And that includes their feelings first.
00:21:07
Speaker
And so I would just encourage you, invite you to to gain upon those um opportunities to have meaningful conversations, to have, you know, to ask questions. Maybe it it doesn't serve you well in the in in this season to have a party with cake and stuff.
00:21:28
Speaker
Maybe it'll be a letter. Yeah. Saying, exactly honey, special i I, you know, I love you. I'm glad you are mine. And I am so sorry for the loss of your first mom, for example. That'd be a very brave thing to do for a lot of moms.
00:21:48
Speaker
um But maybe that would mean so much and it would be so healing. Yes. And of course, age appropriateness. We always talk about that. But, you know, our podcast is all about having just real and honest conversations. We're just not, we just don't want to gloss over and make everything like, oh, it's perfect. It's okay. There's, you know, we're trying to dive into real honest conversations, taking time to pause and think and considering both sides. That's why you represent the adoptive mom.
00:22:24
Speaker
I represent the adoptive child, but yet we're coming together trying to bring encouragement, open up those real honest conversations um that you would also pause and think and think about maybe your story, not comparing it or not getting on a trend just because the whole world's doing it. It must be good.
00:22:44
Speaker
um But just taking time to pause and think and considering your child, your family, and how you feel that God would want you to handle gotcha day. So that's that's the heart of our talk today.
00:22:58
Speaker
And we're just so glad that you're here. Yes, yes. We encourage you to pray, to pray about every little step and um that you are observant and tender toward this need that your child has ah to to know that her her or his feelings are valid and that you are there for them.
00:23:21
Speaker
Exactly. That's the most important thing. So thank you for being here and share this episode of it bless you if itd helped to if it you, brought um good questions to your mind mind and heart.
00:23:34
Speaker
We're here to serve you and we're so happy that you were here.
00:23:41
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.