Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Adopted Birthdays: Cake, Questions & Closure
29 Plays25 days ago
In this episode of Pause and Think, Jackie and Aixa open up about the emotional complexities surrounding birthdays for adopted and foster children. From feelings of loss and confusion to the longing for birth stories and baby pictures, they explore how these seemingly joyful celebrations can be deeply painful. Through vulnerable storytelling, biblical reflection, and grace-filled parenting insights, they offer encouragement to adoptive families navigating these tender moments. Together, they remind us that God knew us before we were formed and that healing is possible—one honest conversation at a time.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Adoption and Identity
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
Cookies and Bonding Moments
00:00:23
Speaker
hi welcome to Pause and Think. My name is Jackie Darby and I'm here with Aisha. Yes, and we're so excited to be here again today and just to have another real and honest conversation. Yeah, I'm chewing on Jackie's cookies. If you have the book, Who's Am I?
00:00:42
Speaker
The cookies are part of the story. They're center in the pages because that's what you and Darlie do a lot, bake. Although nails have become... you know Yeah, we like painting our nails now. you You love nails, but I like the cookies.
00:00:57
Speaker
As you can see, it's real and I enjoy them. So thank you for baking them. Yeah, so we had a lot of our conversations as we're doing something and just sharing time together. Yeah, and I get the benefits, so thanks.
00:01:10
Speaker
You're welcome. I'm glad you like them. I love them.
Celebrating Birthdays in Adoption Context
00:01:13
Speaker
Last time we were talking about Gotcha Day. Yes. And, you know, the pros and cons and just our different perspectives regarding it. And it doesn't mean just because it's a trend, we have to do it.
00:01:27
Speaker
We have to get on board. And sometimes we have a tendency to do that. Oh, must be popular. So let's do it. And it's a good thing. So from that conversation, it led us into the next about birthdays. And so we're going to talk about birthdays and birthdays of adult children.
00:01:47
Speaker
or of adoptee children, um, about any child, yeah but specifically we're talking about birthdays of adopted children and our foster kids.
Jackie on Birthdays and Adoption
00:01:56
Speaker
And I think, um, coming from the adopted side, being an adopted child, I know for myself, my birthday now ah as an adult on the side of, of brokenness and, and on my healing process, um,
00:02:16
Speaker
When I look back on my childhood, I often wondered why deep down inside did I kind of have a problem when when I was celebrated in my birthday. And my mom always made a wonderful homemade cake um for all of us, all her kids. She always wanted to know what kind because she was such a wonderful baker.
00:02:38
Speaker
And I always chose um German chocolate. I love German chocolate cakes. But... There was something deep down inside, Aisha, that I really didn't enjoy celebrating my birthday. I didn't want the attention of celebrating my birthday. And I was always so thankful that the school year um was from, you know, August to the beginning of June. And my birthday was June 12th.
00:03:09
Speaker
And my birthday wasn't during school. oo I was always so grateful because I was afraid that somebody would ask me something about my birthday, where I was born, or, you know, in schools I've heard of projects where they want to know where they were born and what hospital and the time and the day.
00:03:32
Speaker
For me, that was such a hard subject because I don't know the time. I don't know the day. They found me. they guessed. So in my mind, my birthday to me might not even be my birthday. So to me, it's not a celebration. So I don't know you being an adoptive mom and your girls and, you know, yeah where do you come from
Aisha on Cultural Celebrations and Adoption
00:03:56
Speaker
on this angle? Yes.
00:03:57
Speaker
Well, you know, the questions pile up as they grow older. Like when they were little, as any child, they look forward to their birthday.
00:04:09
Speaker
It's a great day. It's celebration. It's friends. It's presents. It's party. and And Guatemalans know how to party, people. I mean, we do celebrations. We love we love doing a theme birthday. And I was very homemade.
00:04:24
Speaker
I'm very inclined to make my kids stuff. So, you know, we worked on whatever theme they wanted. i i did bake their cakes and decorate and all that stuff. As they've grown older, I've noticed certain, you know, squirmishness around the the certain dates, especially in one of them.
00:04:49
Speaker
um And I think as they mature and they, you know, they just consider different layers of their story and their origin and their birth, it's very painful.
00:05:01
Speaker
It can be very painful because inevitably, It's where was I? Whose was Whose am I? Exactly.
00:05:14
Speaker
And so it's inevitable to have all of that entanglement the same day. And they want to be happy. I've learned that. At one point, it was like, oh, my goodness, it seems like this child is just setting out to ruin every celebration or to you know sabotage.
00:05:33
Speaker
And I've learned that it's just the... but On the one hand, it's all these questions and shame and anger about why am i growing up, you know, away from my mom or my family, my first family.
00:05:51
Speaker
And on the other hand, it's like, if I get too close to happiness, I'll lose it. That's just a very deep, deep thing that they don't understand on a conscious level. And so it's a mixture of things. And I've gotten better at um just at least, if not understanding, at least getting a grasp of the how complicated the emotions get on certain dates.
00:06:16
Speaker
And so... Now we enjoy birthdays a lot more because they have words. They have better words. And I've given them space to, you know, to to talk about
Incorporating Birth Mothers in Celebrations
00:06:29
Speaker
stuff. And as I've gotten to know each of my girls already,
00:06:34
Speaker
I know that they need me to, for example, sometimes mention their birth mom on their birthday. I've prayed for their moms during their birthday celebration.
00:06:47
Speaker
And they know that even if we don't go into deep conversation, it signals something to them, I think, so to say, okay, so I'm not the only one thinking about my mom.
00:06:59
Speaker
um And it's okay. Okay. Yeah, I don't, that's that's so good because that you would think to pray for the birth mom. um I know i always had an issue with my birth mom. That's where the anger came from.
00:07:16
Speaker
ah why Why did, what was so bad about me that she had to abandon me? Or, you know, reject me.
00:07:28
Speaker
And so that was always a battle in my mind that was connected to my birthday. And we're not anti-birthdays by no means. We're not anti-birthdays because I did enjoy the celebration in the privacy of our home.
00:07:45
Speaker
And some kids, you know, i have biological kids, two kids. One loves she's she is like a Guatemalan because she was born in Guatemala. She loves big celebrations. She always loved the birthday, the piñatas, the everything.
00:08:01
Speaker
um Caleb was more calm and, you know, whatever. I don't need a big celebration. Had nothing to do with adoption or not being adopted. Personality. And so, again, we're not, you know, stereotyping and saying, oh, my goodness, birthdays be... set be you know, your kid doesn't like to celebrate their birthday. Some really do.
00:08:25
Speaker
And, but some could have issues in the back of their minds that they're not expressing. And so this conversation is just again to,
00:08:39
Speaker
um maybe open our eyes in areas that we just assume that every adopted kid wants to celebrate their birthday big time and not even understand that there could be be pain or confusion or questions behind that big day, because it is a
The Impact of Birth Stories on Identity
00:09:03
Speaker
big day. It is a special day.
00:09:05
Speaker
The day you're born, you know, the word talks about that. God knew us be before we are ever formed in our mother's womb. and you know, it was a big day to him.
00:09:18
Speaker
Yes. He were special to him. Yeah. I think every child ah born into a family, love they love to hear their birth story.
00:09:31
Speaker
They go over the pictures, they go over the, you know, the the what happened and what time and where were you and whatever. It just, it's a very...
00:09:42
Speaker
intricate part. It's a very primal, I would say, part of understanding who we are as as a person. And so to not acknowledge the pain that comes with not knowing, because a lot of our kids don't know their story, we don't know their story, is definitely something to be, you know, just considered.
00:10:09
Speaker
And when kids, I've heard, when I say kids, I'm talking about adult adoptees now who've been able to express this. a It is such a missing piece of the puzzle when they say,
00:10:24
Speaker
I wish I could see a picture of my mom pregnant, like children who do have biological moms. And we bring out that baby book and we talk about, oh, my goodness, when I was carrying you or the picture from the hospital, the very first picture laying in that little bassinet.
00:10:46
Speaker
um Or the day that I have pictures of all of my kids of every day, you know, from pregnancy, you know, nowadays on social media, it's people are showing their bellies there, you know, show having pregnancy pictures before they're born.
00:11:03
Speaker
um But when an adopted child or ah even as an adult, I think it bothers them even more as an adult, understanding that, I don't have one picture that tracks that time of my life. And so it's just such yeah a weird feeling like – They know they existed.
00:11:24
Speaker
We know we existed yeah because we're here. yeah know what happened to that time of our lives? And those questions have a tendency to drive us crazy. Absolutely. And they should. We are we crave closure.
00:11:38
Speaker
We crave feeling in the spaces. That's how our brains work, actually. And that's what adds to our identity. Exactly.
Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression
00:11:46
Speaker
And now that you mention it, one of my girls actually came out to me a couple years ago and said,
00:11:53
Speaker
Mom, I've identified envy in me. And I said, yeah, of who? I'm really ashamed to say, and I i encourage her, and see she goes, baby so-and-so.
00:12:07
Speaker
I'm so jealous of of him because he, you know, we go to his baby showers, and we went to, you know, meet him when he was a newborn, and everything they do to care for him.
00:12:19
Speaker
i didn't have that. Mm-hmm. And I was like, wow. I never even considered how difficult baby showers were for her. And she's a girl in Guatemala. As we mentioned, we celebrate everything. Tons of baby showers.
00:12:35
Speaker
Tons baby showers. It's just one. It's a lot. And they invite your teenage girls to come along or your little girls to come along. And so she was there for the whole thing with this baby, especially.
00:12:47
Speaker
And i was really proud of her for identifying, naming that, you know, feeling in that sinful inclination in ah in ah in a way and a very natural, very natural reaction to celebrating a life and her acknowledging that she didn't have that.
00:13:06
Speaker
That was amazing to me. And, you know, I just want to just bring out this part of the our talk right now as you're talking about this. I really want to credit you for the fact that you gave your daughter, you clearly set up a safe place where she was able to say, Mom, I'm really jealous you.
00:13:30
Speaker
Because when you hear the word jealousy, like that doesn't have a positive ring to it. But she was able to express it and get it out and just say, you know, this really hurts me that when I'm at every baby shower, when I see this baby, how he's being celebrated, it rises up jealousy.
00:13:48
Speaker
And you were able to talk to her, talk her through it and help her in this area instead of just be like jealousy. um Oh, my gosh, that's a sin. You shouldn't feel jealous and blah, blah, blah, blah. blah No, you were allowing her to get it out, to let it come out because out of the funds, out of our heart, words speak, you know.
00:14:08
Speaker
And so it clearly was in her heart. But that shows because there was a lack. Because of her situation, being in an orphanage or, you know, not having pictures of when she was a baby, a toddler, even toddler years when children don't have pictures of even one, two in their mother's arms, knowing they were cradled.
00:14:33
Speaker
There's just such a loss. And there's there's so many questions and doubt. And so the fact that she was able to express this, I just, you know, think it's wonderful. And I want to encourage parents yeah to um have those safe places, create those relationships, because that's a relationship.
Balancing Celebration and Grief in Adoption
00:14:56
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:14:56
Speaker
that your daughter was able to express it and say, this bothers me. And not just be like, no, you can't feel that way in X, Y, and Z, or you didn't just immediately quote a Bible verse.
00:15:10
Speaker
You just let her work through it. And i love, I love hearing that because to me, that means that equals freedom here and another step of healing in the healing process. yeah So I think that's so valuable, so valuable. And, and you didn't take it personal.
00:15:29
Speaker
No, no, I've learned. And you've helped me so much to do that as well. um And I think, you know, everything in the adoption um journey um entails an end.
00:15:44
Speaker
ah We went to up field um the retreat for adoptive and foster moms at Jamie Finn. Yes, we may totally recommend it. Sign up. Yes, sign up. It's it's going to be Lancaster next year as well. It's always at the beginning of the year. I think it's January 30th, 31st and February 1st. Yes. 2026. But if you're watching this beyond that, look it up. Cause it's, it's amazing.
00:16:11
Speaker
And the theme of this year's conference was just, and, and, and it just, it encapsules so much of what this journey is because we,
00:16:24
Speaker
We have to celebrate your life as as adopted children and also grieve with you that you're not with your first family.
00:16:35
Speaker
And that is so sad. And we... have space for both. We can celebrate and we can grieve and we can have a cake and have birthday presents and also have a box of Kleenexes.
00:16:49
Speaker
Have a box of Kleenex and, you know, have a hug, a little longer hug at night saying, you know, just communicating, even if it's not words, when they start making these questions, when they, life goes on and
Family Pregnancy and Realizations in Adoption
00:17:06
Speaker
I remember um one of my um sisters-in-law, she got pregnant ah after we adopted the second time.
00:17:16
Speaker
And this was a blessing on so many levels because this was the first time that my kids, my adoptive daughters, saw that process in their family from beginning to birth. Birth.
00:17:32
Speaker
And it brought about so many conversations. And that's the first time one of them said, so wait a minute. So I had a dad.
00:17:44
Speaker
I had to have had a dad, she said. i was like, yes, honey. Yes. And so she started adding stuff up that she hadn't even considered watching my sister-in-law grow in her belly and then We, you know, receiving that baby into the family and watching her taken care of was honestly such a blessing. I had i had an opportunity to walk through that process with them.
00:18:17
Speaker
And it brought about, I'm sure, pain. um But it's something that that I feel blessed to you know walk alongside them. um It wasn't very easy at times, but we have to incorporate that conversation, that you know observations they are watching.
00:18:37
Speaker
Get you know in your community. If if there's a pregnant lady around you, know around you Talk to them about it. look that but Even if they're little kids, you'd point it out and you'd say, look, there's a baby in that belly. You were in the belly.
00:18:54
Speaker
And let let it just seep. Let it just stay there. And then watch God move around their minds and hearts and just trust that there's enough grace for difficult conversations and questions and and complicated emotions around things that you would think are just joyful events.
00:19:16
Speaker
Yeah. And I find it really interesting that, um, you know, it clicked with them that, oh, there's a father involved. Uh, because I know in my case, when I would think about my story and think about, um being left in the garbage dump,
00:19:36
Speaker
I always thought of my mom. I always blamed her. I never, like you said, I never even thought about a father figure.
00:19:46
Speaker
I never thought about grandparents.
Complex Emotions Towards Birth Parents
00:19:49
Speaker
And now as a mom, understanding the birthing process, my mom clearly probably wasn't the one who got up the day I was born, walked to a garbage dump, and left me there.
00:20:04
Speaker
Somebody was involved in this situation. But in my mind, i always blame my mom. And I often wonder why... was I so um focused on just her. But I think because we carry our children, they are ah part of us.
00:20:22
Speaker
They are a part of our being. They're being knit together in our womb. And that is That is the bond. as a as a That's the natural God-given bond that God has created ah to carry our children and birth them.
00:20:40
Speaker
And so when we are, you know, when that is abruptly changed and we're separated, that brings...
00:20:51
Speaker
And unnatural separation. Absolutely. And thank the Lord for adoption, just like he adopted us as his sons and daughters, you know, rescued us from a very sinful situation.
00:21:07
Speaker
but yet lovingly welcomed us in, that is what brings the healing and the understanding of the beauty of adoption. Amen. Well said.
Faith in Healing Adopted Children's Hearts
00:21:18
Speaker
that's, you know, birthdays are hard. You know, we talked about, we touched on gotcha days, um but we want to be encouraging yeah and talk about the redemption.
00:21:31
Speaker
And how the Lord brought us into his family that helps bring that healing that I believe every adoptive child, foster child is looking for, yearning for um through their heavenly father, father God um throughout this whole process. Yeah.
00:21:50
Speaker
Yeah, and adoptive parents, especially moms, it's not our job to fix our children's broken heart. It's our job to be there. It's our job to our presence.
00:22:04
Speaker
May our presence be healing and just being safe and warm toward even complicated days and emotions that they don't understand. You won't understand everything that's going on in your kid's mind and heart, but you were not called to fix anybody.
00:22:22
Speaker
We're called to be there for them, to embrace them, to pray over them and to not only wish healing on them, but to, you know, usher it in by our attitude and our inclination toward trusting the Lord that they are in good hands. It's it's in his hands and he is able to actually bring about a deep understanding of who they are and um go through Psalm 139 with them. And that's a perfect birthday gift.
00:23:00
Speaker
psalm to, to, you know, make it a tradition, memorize it. Um, may it be, you know, just sealed in their hearts that they were not unknown to God, everything that we don't know, he knows, and that will eventually be their reassurance and their identity and their joy.
Community Engagement and Resources
00:23:24
Speaker
So thank you for watching and we honored to serve you send us your questions contact us if you want to share your story we have a space to do that on the page and you can go to whosami.org and we are eager to get to know more stories and highlight how the Lord has made us his.
00:23:52
Speaker
And thank you for this time to pause and think.
00:23:58
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.