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"Out of Town" Chapter 5: So anyway, where were we?
199 Plays2 years ago
This week on a very special episode of Friendless, the ongoing reading series of James' latest novel "Out of Town" continues with chapter 5 titled "So anyway, where were we?"
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Transcript
Introduction to Friendless Podcast
00:00:08
Speaker
Well hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless, the only show that tries to teach you how to be a better friend while I lose every friend I have. I'm your pal James Avermago, back once again with a brand new chapter in my ongoing reading series of my book Out of Town. This week's chapter is titled, So Anyway, Where Were We? We pick up with our narrator, driving somewhere between Calgary and Saskatoon and ruminating on the state of his life.
00:00:32
Speaker
So for now, it's time to sit back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level to protect those precious little ears of yours, and enjoy the reading of my new chapter here on Friendless.
Family Memories and Autism Revelation
00:00:54
Speaker
So anyway, where were we? I'm driving on the highway somewhere between Saskatoon and Calgary. I'm thinking about all the times I used to ride in the backseat of my mom or dad's car as we sped towards all the different places you go along the highway. I'm thinking about Oregon and Vancouver Island and Fatty's Grocery Store.
00:01:11
Speaker
I'm thinking about the enchanted forest, a now-defunct tourist trap buried somewhere in the Rockies. How we only ever stopped there once in all those summer road trips. How it was one of the worst stops we ever made. Even in the 90s, the statues were all crumbling and rotten. The animatronics were stiff and horrific, if they were working at all. Everything was damp. I cried the whole tour. Of course, I cried a lot on those trips. My parents were convinced I was just a difficult child. I found out years later, I was autistic.
00:01:39
Speaker
Parenting in the 90s, you just couldn't get it right. I'm thinking about Drumheller and the Badlands and dinosaur fossils. I'm thinking about my uncle who lived out there in a ghost town called East Cooley and how his dream was to one day find a dinosaur tooth. That was all he ever wanted. Our dad would take us out for weekends and we'd spend our days wandering the Badlands, imagining what it might be like to see a real dinosaur but always leaving disappointed that it was just dust and stale water that remained. It was my sister who found the tooth.
00:02:07
Speaker
She was just kicking rocks and saw one that looked kind of neat, so she picked it up and rushed over to our uncle to see what he thought. Our dad always had a saying about pretty rocks that we found. He'd take it at his hands and inspect it thoroughly and then hum and haw and say, I think you found yourself a leaverite. And we'd all say, what's that? What's a leaverite? And my dad would smile and hand the rock back. You'll leave her right there. He'd guffaw and then keep walking on.
00:02:35
Speaker
We became accustomed to our dad dismissing our finds, so instead my sister went to our uncle for inspection. And of course, to give the story away, right out the gate, it was a tooth. A goddamn T-Rex tooth by the size of it. When I tell you my uncle's face sunk, words don't do it justice.
00:02:52
Speaker
It was like someone had stepped over his grave and taken a piss on his tied-up mother while giving two middle fingers to the Ukrainian flag. He'd spent his whole life looking for a tooth, and here his little niece had found one like it was nothing, her first time out. She'd offered to let him keep it, but he said, no, no, it wouldn't be right. The one who finds it keeps it. Those are the rules. Then he wandered off, whistling tunelessly as he always did when he walked.
00:03:19
Speaker
On our way back to the car, I think I remember him going back to the spot my sister had been and stopping to look around. But he didn't find anything. I don't think he ever found that
Travel Troubles and Missed Opportunities
00:03:29
Speaker
tooth. I'm thinking about when me and Helen drove to Saskatoon for the first time, ripping down the highway as the sun was setting, getting out of Calgary late after work and getting stuck in Friday rush hour.
00:03:38
Speaker
Having never been to Saskatchewan before, other than to drive through it, we followed Google Maps and it had steered us very, very wrong. Now there we were, bumping along an Atticus on some unmarked dirt road as the sun set quicker and quicker and our fuel tank indicator dropped lower and lower. I was doing my best not to panic as Helen was checking new routes. Finally it came down to a decision to turn around and cut back up to the closest actual highway, adding another hour to our trip. By the time we got into town it was well after dark.
00:04:05
Speaker
We hadn't eaten since noon, neither of us ever very good at taking our lunch breaks as it was, but by then everything was closed, even room service. So we just hunkered down and went to sleep. Helen had booked the hotel special because it had a pool, and she thought I could kill some time there while she was in the interview the next day.
00:04:21
Speaker
In the morning, we found the pool was closed for renovations. So I sat in the room and watched TV while she interviewed another extra box once again down the drain. I'm also thinking about all those other trips. The ones we didn't take. The trips to distant cities and far imagined countries of tasting unique foods and hearing sounds we'd never heard before.
00:04:40
Speaker
of seeing architecture older than our entire country, of being adventurous and brave and being willing to try something new. As I draw further and further from Saskatoon, I come to realize what a weight I have felt on myself all these years. What a burden I have placed on my shoulders.
Rediscovering Passion and Facing Divorce
00:04:55
Speaker
I realize I've allowed myself to become so afraid of even the slightest tick that I've allowed this anxiety to overrun my life. I've had to watch my every step, every word for fear of being chastised or ruining Helen's career prospects. I've been punished for overstepping, punished for not knowing my place, and I've come to regret allowing that to happen.
00:05:16
Speaker
I realize there on that highway that I have allowed myself to become a man I do not want to be. I've lost my dreams. I've lost my motivations. I've lost my will to create. I've become a shell of myself and I will no longer allow that to rule me. I want to use this motivation to push me through the next stage of my life. I want to plan and I want to work and I want to try harder. And I'll accept defeat when it comes, but I won't let it stop me.
00:05:42
Speaker
I'll do better than I've been, and I will not accept that this is what life has to offer. And out on that highway, I am so sure that all these plans will come to fruition. I'm thinking of Helen, of her unwavering commitment to her dreams. I'm thinking of how much I miss her, of how happy she makes me.
00:06:02
Speaker
And I'm so sure that it will all last. As I write this, it's been a day since she asked for a divorce. Over FaceTime, she called me from her mother's basement and asked for a separation. That's what she called it at first, a separation. When I pressed to ask for clarity, asking if she meant distance for now to rebuild or just a divorce, she clarified that she meant to full split. Hard stop, no hope. So that's where all those plans got me.
00:06:27
Speaker
And it's funny because I immediately felt myself defaulting back to defeat, to accepting that I am a failure and that I will never accomplish anything. But this morning, I refuse. If this is what she needs in her life, so be it. I won't fight her. I won't fight it. I don't believe you can fight for love. I think that's a lie movies tell us to make us buy tickets to the sequel. I think that love is a fickle and often cruel joke, but none of that is going to allow me to turn back on my own life.
00:06:56
Speaker
I'm thinking that I deserve the happiness and success that was promised. I'm thinking that I am worthy of all the things that I had dreamed of having in my life. Just this morning, one of my stories was accepted in a literary magazine. A sad story about a final breakfast between lovers who will never see each other again. Silly fantasy things like that.
00:07:14
Speaker
So here I am, driving to Calgary in our story and sitting at my kitchen bar top as I type and we are both sure that we will be alright.
Acceptance and New Beginnings
00:07:23
Speaker
So where were we? I'm driving somewhere in the wide empty expanse between Saskatoon and Calgary and I'm convinced that I'm going to be alright.
00:07:32
Speaker
I have thoughts and memories that I cherish and revisit, and others that when they bubble up unbidden, I do my best not to let my mind carry me away for too long into their worlds. As I drive, I am convinced I have a future. As I type, I am convinced that future still exists, but very different from first envisioned. I'm believing that both are worthwhile ventures to explore, and I hope that makes sense. I think I've spun out again.
00:07:57
Speaker
The highway is long and quiet, it rolls and folds into itself, doubling back in endless loops and curls. I think sometimes they put a turn in it purely to shake drivers awake, otherwise you'd be staring at the endless horizon for hours on end. There's no wheat at this time of year. Most of the landscape is brown and dead, or tilled and cut low. The road winds and expands, sometimes bulging out into short passing lanes for cars to burn by each other only to hit the brakes at the end of the section.
00:08:24
Speaker
Sometimes a hauling truck is going 10 kilometers under the speed limit, it holds up traffic a while. Until the opposing lane is empty and one by one the trailing car is passed by. Somewhere over the Alberta border I see black skids on the cement. They are deep and violent, swerving first right, then left before disappearing off into the ditch beside the road.
00:08:45
Speaker
I wonder what it must have felt like in that moment, to feel the world spin out from under you and accept that there is nothing left for you to do but hold on tight and hope you have luck enough not to get flattened by your own car's weight. I pass more skids as I approach the city. One has deep slashes of red accompanying the black tire tracks. I wonder what they could be. Would that be Puddles of Blood?
00:09:08
Speaker
That feels too dramatic, but the skid is at the bottom of a small dip in the road. It would make sense for everything to collect at the bottom like that. Before I can think on it much further, it's gone somewhere in the distance now, retreating at 120 kilometers an hour.
00:09:24
Speaker
Even with my late start, the sun is only just beginning to sink as I see the first welcome signs to the city. I can't go straight to Brett's place. He's at work and I have time to kill until I can be let in. The first thing I see is I crest the hill saying
00:09:38
Speaker
Calgary is so close you can taste it, is a mall. The great flat mall of cross iron mills. The mall of malls perfected. I pull off the highway, first getting gas, then winding into one of the back entrances and parking in a quiet spot of the lot. I get out and look around. My legs vibrate from the endless hours on the road. I am home.
00:10:11
Speaker
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00:10:32
Speaker
And that's where we'll leave it for this week.
Show Support and Upcoming Content
00:10:34
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. If you like to support the show, the easiest and cheapest way to do that is to sign up for my sub-stack. You'll get access to monthly round-ups of books, movies, music, podcast recommendations, writing prompts, and exclusive writing from yours truly. And if you've got a couple bucks rattling around in your pocket, maybe you'd consider buying me a coffee.
00:10:40
Speaker
.
00:10:55
Speaker
Every little bit is deeply appreciated. It means the absolute world to me whenever anyone sends a little love my way. All those links can be found in the show notes. Please do consider if you can help. But that's it for me. So let's just wrap this up. I'll be back next week with a fantastic new interview that I think you're going to love. So I hope you'll come back for that. But hey, as always, I'm not going to worry about that now because that is then and this is now. So for now, I'll just say I love you and I wish you well.
00:11:25
Speaker
Planet Safety, sweeties!
00:11:54
Speaker
? ?
00:12:27
Speaker
So.