This week on a very special episode of Friendless, we ask what if the goal of emotional maturity isn't to stop feeling things but to stop fighting them? 

In Part 5 of Friendless's deep dive into DBT emotional regulation, James unpacks what emotions are actually for, and why treating them like problems to solve is exactly what keeps us stuck.

This episode covers three foundational skills: naming emotions accurately (because "I feel bad" tells you nothing useful), checking the facts (the difference between what actually happened and the story your brain added on top), and the PLEASE skill — the unglamorous daily maintenance checklist that has a surprisingly direct line to how regulated you feel.

James also gets personal: about spending years terrified of his own anger, about the shame hiding underneath a text that didn't get answered, and about why exercise remains the bane of his existence.

In this episode:

 * Why emotions are signals, not malfunctions
 * The smoke alarm analogy that reframes everything
 * How vague labels like "fine" keep you stuck
 * Checking the facts vs. checking the story
 * PLEASE: Physical illness, Eating, Avoid substances, Sleep, Exercise
 * A short practice to try right now

Friendless is a podcast about loneliness, connection, and the honest, sometimes uncomfortable work of understanding ourselves.

📧 friendlesspod@gmail.com 

• Instagram: @friendlesspod [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

• TikTok: @friendlesspod [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

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Naming What You Actually Feel (or 'Fine' Doesn't Cut It) (DBT mini-season part 5)

Distress Tolerance Pt. 2: Self-Soothing & Radical Acceptance

This week on a very special episode of Friendless, we're continuing our exploration of Distress Tolerance skills as the DBT mini-season hits the halfway mark!

STOP and TIPP — last week's skills — are built for acute crisis moments. This episode is for the other kind of hard: the slow burn, the ongoing grief, the situations you can't fix right now and just have to live with anyway. Two major skills today: self-soothing and radical acceptance.

Self-Soothing is about giving your nervous system what it needs to feel safer — not by fixing the thing, not by numbing out, but through sensory input that tells your body it's okay right now. James breaks down what this looks like across all five senses, shares what's in his self-soothing kit, and makes a case for building your own before you need it.

Radical Acceptance is probably the hardest skill in DBT. It's also, in James's experience, the most transformative. This is the practice of accepting reality as it is — fully, completely, without the layer of this shouldn't be happening — and why that's not the same thing as approval, defeat, or giving up. James draws on a deeply personal story about his divorce to show what it actually looks like when you finally stop fighting what is.

In this episode:

• Why stop and tip aren't enough for the slow burn — and what is

• The DBT distinction between pain (unavoidable) and suffering (optional)

• What self-soothing actually is — and what it isn't

• A sensory breakdown of self-soothing tools across all five senses

• What James carries in his self-soothing kit and why

• The most common misunderstanding of radical acceptance

• A personal story about divorce, gaslighting, and the moment reality finally shifted

• Why radical acceptance is a practice, not a one-time decision

• A short guided practice for both skills

Connect with Friendless:

• Email: friendlesspod@gmail.com

• Instagram: @friendlesspod [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

• TikTok: @friendlesspod [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

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Radical Acceptance Bro! (Distress Tolerance pt. 2) 

This week on a very special episode of Friendless, we're leaving the mindfulness skills behind and stepping into DBT's toolkit for emotional emergencies: the moments when you're at an eight or nine on the chaos scale, logic has stepped out of the building, and your nervous system is running the whole show. The only goal in those moments? Don't make things worse.

In this episode, James breaks down two core Distress Tolerance skills:

The STOP Skill — your emergency brake for when your thumb is hovering over "send," you can feel those words rising in your throat, and everything in your body is screaming do something. STOP interrupts the impulse-to-action pipeline just long enough to give you back a choice.

The TIP Skills — a set of physical interventions (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Paired muscle relaxation) that work directly on your biology when you're too flooded to think your way through anything. Because sometimes you can't logic your way out of a crisis. You have to use your body.

James also shares two personal stories: what happened when he recorded a full 45-minute episode and forgot to hit record, and how he used the STOP skill in real time during a text conversation that was heading somewhere neither party wanted to go.

We wrap with a short guided mental rehearsal so these skills are a little more accessible when the real crisis hits.

In this episode:

• Why mindfulness alone isn't enough when your brain is in chaos mode

• What's actually happening in your nervous system during a crisis (and why the first impulse is almost always the wrong one)

• The STOP skill, broken down step by step

• The TIP skills: Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Paired Muscle Relaxation

• The dive reflex — and why cold water actually works

• Why a long exhale is a biological signal that the danger is over

• A short guided rehearsal to help build your crisis response map

Connect with Friendless:

• Email: friendlesspod@gmail.com

• Instagram: @friendlesspod [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

• TikTok: @friendlesspod [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

Create your podcast [https://zencastr.com/?via=james-avramenko] today! #madeonzencastr

Don't Make It Worse: Distress Tolerance Tools (DBT mini-season part 3)

This week on a very special episode of Friendless, your pal and host of the show James Avramenko sits down with journalist, activist, podcaster, and author Garth Mullins — live at Book Warehouse on Main Street in Vancouver — for one of the most honest, wide-ranging conversations the show has ever had.

Garth is the host of the Crackdown podcast and the author of Crackdown: Surviving and Resisting the War on Drugs (Penguin Random House), a memoir-meets-manifesto that traces his life as a drug user, activist, and community organiser through the ongoing overdose crisis. His book is one of those rare things: deeply personal and rigorously political at the same time.

In this episode, they talk about shame — what it costs to carry it, and what it feels like when it finally lifts. They talk about grief as something we were always meant to share communally, and what it means to lose half your community to a crisis the government had the tools to prevent. They talk about necropolitics — the idea that governments don't just neglect people, they make calculated decisions about who will live and who will die. And they talk about what it actually looks like to build community in the middle of all of it: the meetings, the minutes, the coffee runs, the naloxone.

Garth is one of the clearest, most generous thinkers James has had on the show — and this conversation is proof of why.

📖 Pick up Crackdown wherever books are sold, and learn more about Garth on his website [http://www.garthmullins.com/]

🎙️ Find Garth's podcast at crackdownpod.com [https://www.crackdownpod.com/]

❤️ Get your free Naloxone kit and training at towardtheheart.com  [https://towardtheheart.com/naloxone-training]

🫂 Support or Learn about the Vancouver Area Network of Drug Users (VANDU) on their website [https://vandu.org/]

Create your podcast [https://zencastr.com/?via=james-avramenko] today! #madeonzencastr

Mutual Survival: On Community, Grief, and Resistance (with special guest Garth Mullins) LIVE at the Book Warehouse

In this very special episode of Friendless, we're continuing the DBT micro-season diving into the how skills of mindfulness: non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, and effectively. If those sound like made-up DBT words, you're not wrong—but what they actually mean is surprisingly straightforward.

Last episode covered the what skills (observe, describe, participate). This week is about how to practice them without turning mindfulness into another thing you're failing at. Because here's the thing: you can know all the skills, understand them intellectually, explain them to other people, and still completely fuck them up by making mindfulness a source of shame.

The how skills are the guardrails that prevent exactly that.

What You'll Learn:

 * Nonjudgmentally: How to separate facts from interpretations—the difference between "I'm feeling tired" and "I'm lazy for feeling tired"
 * One-mindfully: Why doing five things at once means doing five things poorly, and how to actually focus (spoiler: your mind will wander, that's fine)
 * Effectively: Letting go of the "right way" and just doing what works—meeting yourself where you are, not where you wish you were

Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

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The Guardrails: Mindfulness HOW Skills (DBT mini-season ep. 2)

in this very special episode of Friendless, we're kicking off the DBT micro-season with Mindfulness Part 1, and no — this is not the sit-cross-legged-and-think-about-nothing version. This is practical mindfulness. The kind that gives you an off-ramp when your brain is catastrophising about a blank document or a text that went unanswered.

Today we're covering the three "What" skills: Observe, Describe, and Participate. These are the foundation everything else builds on. They're deceptively simple, which doesn't mean they're easy — but they're the tools that let you notice when you're time-traveling into worst-case scenarios and choose to come back to the present.

What You'll Learn

Observe — How to notice what's happening without trying to change it, fix it, or make it go away. Just acknowledging "my heart is racing" or "I'm having anxious thoughts" without layering judgment on top.

Describe — How to put words to what you're observing. The difference between "I'm failing" and "I'm having the thought that I'm failing." Words create distance. Distance gives you options.

Participate — How to give your full attention to what you're doing right now instead of being on autopilot. Not every second of every day — just having the ability to come back when you notice you've drifted.

In This Episode

 * Why mindfulness gets a bad rap (and why DBT mindfulness is different)
 * The spiral I had preparing to write this very script — and how my brain turned a blank document into proof I should quit everything
 * How observing my anxiety about an unanswered text gave me just enough space to not make it worse
 * That time I drove to Main Street without music or podcasts and actually noticed the road (it felt longer than driving across Canada)
 * A short guided practice for trying Observe, Describe, Participate in under two minutes
 * Why the thoughts don't disappear — and why that's okay

Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

Support the show, Buy Me A Coffee!! [https://www.buymeacoffee.com/friendlesspod]

Create your podcast [https://zencastr.com/?via=james-avramenko] today! #madeonzencastr

Finding the Off-Ramp From Runaway Thoughts (DBT Micro-Season — Mindfulness Part 1)

In this very special episode of Friendless, your host James Avramenko finally launches the long-promised DBT mini-season. This introductory episode explores why Dialectical Behavior Therapy isn't just for people with BPD diagnoses—it's practical emotional scaffolding for anyone who's ever sent an unhinged text at 2am or catastrophized themselves out of sleep.

James shares his own journey into DBT during one of the lowest points of his life, why he was skeptical at first, and the moment a simple acronym (STOP) prevented him from making things worse. This isn't about fixing yourself or becoming a better person—it's about working with the brain you have when everything feels like it's falling apart.

What You'll Learn

 * Why DBT isn't self-help BS: The difference between theories and tools
 * The four DBT modules: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness
 * Who DBT is actually for: Spoiler—you don't need a diagnosis to benefit
 * What's coming: A roadmap for the 10-episode mini-season (2 episodes per module + intro/wrap-up)
 * The real goal: Fucking up slightly less often (that's it, that's the bar)



Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

Support the show, Buy Me A Coffee!! [https://www.buymeacoffee.com/friendlesspod]

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WTF is DBT? (Mini-Season Intro)

This week on a very special episode of Friendless,  host James Avramenko welcomes acclaimed author Susin Nielsen for a live recording at Book Warehouse Vancouver.

Susin's latest novel "Snap" tells the story of three unlikely friends brought together through an anger management program—and it all started with a real incident at a disastrous school visit 15 years ago. In this wide-ranging conversation, Susin and James explore the power of optimistic storytelling in dark times, the peculiar difficulty of making friends in Vancouver (despite everyone being "so outwardly cheery"), and why setting Canadian stories in "any town USA" drove Susin crazy enough to plant her work firmly in Vancouver's streets and neighbourhoods.

They also dive into Susin's journey from craft services on Degrassi Junior High to writing on the show at age 22, creating positive work environments on Family Law, refusing publisher pressure to censor her work, and her recent experiments with meditation and church-going (for the community, not necessarily Jesus).

Whether you're interested in the craft of writing, the challenge of building community, or just want to hear two people who love Vancouver bond over its friendship paradoxes, this conversation has something for you.

Links & Resources:

 * Susin's Website: susinnielsen.com/ [https://susinnielsen.com/]
 * Book Warehouse Vancouver: [link] [https://www.blackbondbooks.com/]

Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

Support the show, Buy Me A Coffee!! [https://www.buymeacoffee.com/friendlesspod]

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Sometimes Things Work Out (LIVE at the Book Warehouse with Special Guest Susin Nielsen!)

This week on a very special episode of Friendless, I sit down with Dr. Greg Hammer—pediatric intensive care physician, recently retired Stanford professor, and author of A Mindful Teen—to talk about what we're actually doing to young people in 2025.

We unpack the unique pressures facing today's teens: smartphones as double-edged swords, the performative perfection trap of social media, sextortion and AI-generated abuse, fentanyl-laced everything, gun violence as background noise, and the impossible college admissions race. You know, light stuff.

But here's the thing—Dr. Hammer isn't here to just list problems. We dig into his GAIN method (Gratitude, Acceptance, Intention, Non-Judgment), a practical framework for building actual resilience without the therapy-speak bullshit. We talk about neuroplasticity, the negativity bias our brains are stuck with from evolutionary baggage, and why telling your kids to be grateful while you complain about traffic doesn't work.

We also get real about recognizing depression versus sadness, the telltale signs parents and teachers miss, and why love needs to be a verb, not just a feeling.

Fair warning: this episode discusses teen mental health, suicide, and self-harm in depth.

In This Episode:

 * Why "kids are resilient" is a cop-out
 * The self-surveillance generation and viral culture paralysis
 * How smartphones and social media rewire developing brains
 * The GAIN method: a 3-minute daily practice for mental resilience
 * Three Good Things: the stupidly simple gratitude practice that actually works
 * Modeling behaviour vs. telling kids what to do
 * Recognizing the signs of clinical depression in teens
 * Why we're all more alike than different (and our dark thoughts aren't unique)

Guest Bio:Dr. Greg Hammer is a pediatric intensive care physician, recently retired professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, and author of Gain Without Pain and A Mindful Teen. He's spent his career studying physical and mental wellness, longevity science, and resilience practices—and has raised teenagers while watching an entire generation navigate challenges he never had to face.

Resources:

 * A Mindful Teen by Dr. Greg Hammer: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
 * Dr. Hammer's website: greghammer md.com [https://greghammermd.com/]
 * Instagram: @greghammer md [https://www.instagram.com/greghammermd/]

Mental Health Resources:

 * Canada: Call or text 988 (Suicide Crisis Helpline)
 * USA: Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
 * Crisis Text Line (both countries): Text HOME to 741741

Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

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Practicing Resilience and Gratitude (with special guest Dr. Greg Hammer)

In this very special episode of Friendless, host James Avramenko delves into the complexities of friendship, sobriety, and mental health with his dear friend William Raphael Pacheco. Join them as they discuss the impact of family names, the challenges of quitting substances, and the journey toward self-acceptance. 

They share laughs, deep reflections, and valuable life insights on maintaining friendships and navigating queer spaces while staying sober.

Follow Will on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/will.r.pacheco/

Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE! [https://friendless.substack.com/]

Follow Friendless on TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@friendlesspod]

and on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/friendlesspod/]

Support the show, Buy Me A Coffee!! [https://www.buymeacoffee.com/friendlesspod]

Create your podcast [https://zencastr.com/?via=james-avramenko] today! #madeonzencastr

Sobriety and the Art of Queer Friendships (with special guest Will Pacheco)

Friendless is a podcast about the strange, tender, often painful work of staying connected. Host James Avramenko talks to writers, thinkers, activists, and everyday people about loneliness, platonic love, community, mental health, and what it actually takes to build a life with people in it. No easy answers, no toxic positivity, no pretending the hard parts aren't hard. Just honest, sometimes uncomfortable, often moving conversations from somewhere in the void. But always fun and safety. 

James Avramenko

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