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Sunshine Monkeys Rejoice! (Reflections on April)
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Join me as I reflect on the month of April, discussing the return of the sun and its impact on my mental health, personal growth, and the delicate balance of maintaining connections while undergoing distress tolerance therapy. In this episode, I introduce new ideas for tracking personal development and share invaluable insights from recent guests such as Dean Spade, Ravenous Randy Myers, Amy Lester, and Brett Cassidy. Learn actionable steps to improve friendships and hear my thoughts on whether friendships should have breakup conversations. Plus, discover my favourite songs from my monthly playlist and set intentions for the coming month. Don't miss it!
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00:00 April Reflections and Personal Growth
03:51 Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Insights
08:01 Interview Highlights: Dean Spade
11:03 Interview Highlights: Ravenous Randy Myers
13:32 Interview Highlights: Amy Lester
15:44 Interview Highlights: Brett Cassidy
20:16 Actionable Steps for Personal Development
24:54 Listener Questions and Interactions
51:45 Reconnecting Through Communication
53:49 Navigating Breakups with Grace
56:24 Petty Reasons for Unfriending
01:01:08 Anonymous Messages to Ex-Friends
01:04:12 Monthly Playlist Highlights
01:07:23 Setting Monthly Intentions
01:13:03 Final Reflections and Gratitude
Recommended
Transcript
Reflections on Friendship and Community
00:00:08
Speaker
Well, hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless, where we are closing out April celebrating the power and messiness of friendship and community. I'm your host, James Avramenko, and today I'm going to be reflecting back on some of the most captivating, inspiring, and vulnerable moments from the last batch of conversations on the show.
00:00:26
Speaker
If you're new here or missed an episode, think of this as your cheat sheet. But if you've been along for the whole ride, trust me, there's still going to be some gems here for you. Not only are we doing reflection, we've also got listener questions. We've got an end-of-the-month playlist recommendation.
00:00:37
Speaker
So much more. It's a packed episode, so let's get to it. It's time to lean back, get comfy, set volume at a reasonable level, and enjoy this review of April episode here on Friendless.
Sunlight and Mental Health
00:00:48
Speaker
So, April was a month that happened.
00:00:52
Speaker
Ha ha ha! The sun has returned, bringing with it my will to live. I find myself a little resentful when I realize what an impact Sunshine has on my mental health.
00:01:04
Speaker
It's kind of like, you know, I have one of those moments like, oh, right, I am a monkey designed to be in the sunshine whose entire existence has been conditioned to revolve around an artificial schedule designed by factory owners in the 19th century, which is in direct conflict with how my nervous system has evolved over the millennia. But whoops.
00:01:26
Speaker
But with the return of the sun has, ah of course, come the return of friendless. And I wanted to try implementing a couple new ideas into these kind of review episodes.
00:01:39
Speaker
One thing is that I really want to use this reflection time um as kind of a way to... track my own personal development and my own personal growth around friendships and connections.
00:01:53
Speaker
um And hopefully this will maybe inspire listeners to try doing the same. You know, I've been listening to guests make suggestions, ah actionable steps, you know, tools that we can try for for years now.
00:02:07
Speaker
And admittedly, I haven't always been the most active in actually going out and applying those steps after the interview. ah Personally, i am very much served by an almost constant stream of reminders to do something um until I either just full chestedly reject that suggestion or it becomes second nature.
00:02:33
Speaker
And so my personal objective right now is to essentially create enough of a routine with some of these tips that they become subconscious.
00:02:44
Speaker
I'm not somebody who's ever been truly convinced that people change, but I've also always held that long ingrained millennial delusion that, you know, I'm special. So um I still believe that like I can change.
00:02:59
Speaker
But, you know, honestly, even even say that out loud, that that's flimsy because I do believe people change. I think they can change. I just think that they have to be the ones who want it.
Personal Growth and Reflection
00:03:09
Speaker
Right. You know, if you see somebody behaving some way or if somebody is treating you some way or whatever it might be, no amount of scolding, coaching, guidance or anywhere on the spectrum of that of that.
00:03:20
Speaker
ah behavior is going to actually affect any true change in someone else. um You have to want to do it for yourself.
00:03:31
Speaker
and And, you know, I'm, well, I'm at an impasse. i'm i'm I'm very much in a place where I really like myself. I really like who I am. I really like how I show up in the world. I really like how I show up um um in so many facets of
Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Acceptance
00:03:48
Speaker
my life. And at the same time too, I also really do want to continue practicing more effective ways of showing up, not only for myself, but for my community.
00:03:57
Speaker
How can I um apply what I'm learning in my different therapies yeah to be a more effective member of of my community? And so one of the ways i want to do that is by reflecting back on the work I have done and the people I've spoken to and and kind of pull out some of those ah gold nuggets um that sometimes get kind of lost in the in the sort of flood of the full-length episode or interview.
00:04:25
Speaker
yeah If I'm being completely honest, ah April wasn't exactly a high watermark month for me personally in terms of maintaining or fostering connections. um But that is also a little bit intentional on my part.
00:04:38
Speaker
As I mentioned ah last month, I have started my my third unit of dialectical behavior therapy. And um this unit is centered around um distress tolerance.
00:04:52
Speaker
Now, I do plan on doing a a much longer exploration of the the topic of DBT in future episodes. It's literally going to have to take like multiple episodes. There's no way I could cover all of it in one. So I'm going to do a much deeper, deeper look at each segment. But what ah ah it simply boils down to, in a lot of ways, is the idea of ah what a dialectic is. a dialectic is...
00:05:17
Speaker
Allowing for two things that may or may not appear in conflict with each other to be accepted as truth at the same time. And when it comes to DBT, um it's the idea of holding the dialectic of acceptance and change at the same time.
00:05:34
Speaker
um Accepting what is real and then figuring out what you can do about it, if anything. And different skills are centered around those two dialectics. So some skills are about how do you change a situation?
00:05:48
Speaker
Some skills are about how do you accept
Balancing Acceptance and Engagement
00:05:50
Speaker
the situation? And currently with the distress tolerance unit that I'm in, it's focused on acceptance. And so it's not ah framed around a lot of um what you might perceive as actionable steps, even though there is a lot of you know stuff to do, obviously.
00:06:06
Speaker
it's It's not about changing the scenario. It's about looking at the scenario as realistically as you can and accepting it for what it is. So a lot of my kind of internal work, um especially recently, has been a lot more geared towards internally accepting um situations and and the sort of reality of my life.
00:06:27
Speaker
And not necessarily, ah depending on the scenario, as actively engaging as I may have in the past. and Now, that has admittedly had a little bit of a domino effect in that it has also um kind of ah removed me from um more more consistent communication or consistent ah connection with people in my
Situational Behavior and Personal Engagement
00:06:51
Speaker
life.
00:06:51
Speaker
So it is this thing of, you know, it's ah it's a it's ah tightrope walk, right? and it's And it's a balancing act. um and And if I've learned anything from from Scott, ah it's that um even those metaphors are are rickety at best in in that there's no solution, right? ah there's no There's no puzzle to solve because there is no no answer to any of it. so So even even trying to frame it as as these kinds of balances is... is ah sort of in some ways kind of missing the point. It's it's about situational behavior.
00:07:24
Speaker
and And lately, the situation has been, i have been pulled back.
Insights from Interviews on Community and Authenticity
00:07:28
Speaker
And going forward in reflection, my aim is to be more engaged. Let's put it like that. That's a very rambly, circular way of of ah saying a very simple thing in a very complicated way.
00:07:42
Speaker
And the other side of that is recognizing that um any action, if it's an effective application of your intention, is quote unquote good, right?
00:07:55
Speaker
um And even that, again, i'm I'm trying my best to be quite ah tentative or hesitant or or at least mindful around the usage of words like good or bad. right or wrong, things like this. i'm I'm trying really hard to ingrain myself with the idea of effective and ineffective.
00:08:10
Speaker
um and And this is a piece of the intention around these reflections is this idea of you know recognizing that while I might not feel like I have done much,
00:08:21
Speaker
um just based on my own you know inability to have any kind of object permanence or anything like that. um When I actually look back on the month and I look back on what I've done, um I can see some really marked moments of of great connection and and great interaction and great ah relationship building.
00:08:39
Speaker
um and And one of those pieces is in... celebrating the guests that I have had on the show. um You know, starting out the season with Dean Spade, who ah ah a month after talking to him, I feel like I'm still floating and and still needing to go back to that interview and and and just review all the incredible wisdom that that he he shared with me.
00:09:09
Speaker
um You know, you know, Dean has this incredible gift of hacking a single thought or a single breath with like nine nuggets of wisdom.
00:09:22
Speaker
He's just so deeply considerate and has so clearly done the work to reflect back um um such a nuanced perspective in the world.
00:09:36
Speaker
And I feel like that interview really fundamentally set the tone, not only for this month's interviews, but for really the the the coming season of the show um by by really digging into what it actually means to seek liberation in our relationships and within our communities.
00:09:54
Speaker
the the The way he urged us ah to to get really comfortable with direct feedback, to speak plainly what you need and to respond accordingly ah to to others' needs, um I think is just such an invaluable practice.
Dean Spade on Liberation in Relationships
00:10:12
Speaker
ah But one of the lines that has really, really stuck with me was this quote that he shared about um inspiration is greatest protection. That's been something that I have been thinking about deeply all month. And it's this idea of grounding ourselves in what inspires and moves us.
00:10:31
Speaker
in order to give us real safety and agency and not just sort of the illusion of safety. Agency is really a question that is at the center of not only that interview, but so much of what is going on within the sort of political and cultural and social conversations. um You know, who...
00:10:52
Speaker
is allowed to have agency, who is accepted to have agency? Why are some people not allowed to have agency of their own bodies or of their own choices?
00:11:03
Speaker
Why do we judge certain people's agencies? All these questions um um have to become much more of a forethought. ah They have to be front runner thoughts in how we show up for ourselves and how we show up for a community.
00:11:19
Speaker
As Dean himself said in the episode, what does it mean to actually respond to the current crisis? Not just react at a habit, but to get present and really try to reduce suffering together.
00:11:32
Speaker
Obviously, if you haven't listened to the interview yet, please go and listen to the episode. And if you haven't found a copy of Dean's book, Love in a Fucked Up World, go out and buy it as soon as you can.
00:11:44
Speaker
Get it at the library. By any means, read that book. It will change your
Randy Myers on Vulnerability in Performance
00:11:50
Speaker
life. I followed that interview up with one of my um local heroes and massive crushes.
00:11:59
Speaker
ravenous Randy Myers, who gave us what you could almost describe as ah as a masterclass in embracing vulnerability within performance.
00:12:11
Speaker
The stories they shared around evolving their wrestling persona and centering it all around authenticity, vulnerability, and that punk ethos of ah how to share openly about mental health, about queerness, um but framing it all around what I consider it to be the greatest art form on earth, um professional wrestling, and how to sort of bridge the gap of of what you might call sort of like trash art into ah much deeper exploration of really what it means to be a human and what it means be human.
00:12:48
Speaker
Present your authentic self to the world. As Randy said, the only fake thing in my act was pretending to be an athlete at first.
00:12:58
Speaker
But letting loose, being honest about my depression and then about my queerness, that turned the connection with fans into something real. And I just, ah i I found myself really floored afterwards on reflection of all the stories that Randy shared.
00:13:15
Speaker
And I really tried to take their advice to heart when they said being a better friend was was as simple and as clear, if only, you know, slightly intimidating, which is to celebrate what brings you joy loudly and publicly.
00:13:34
Speaker
You know, wear the band shirt, post about your niche interests, go out, support your friend's shows, whatever it
Amy Lester on Honesty and Quick Connections
00:13:40
Speaker
is. Be loud about it and be proud about it because it's those places where community truly takes root and where you can truly flourish in your most authentic self.
00:13:51
Speaker
Just a note, I am reading out the quotes because I have not yet gotten good enough to figure out how to find the audio from other episodes and splice it into current episodes. So I'm doing it the old-fashioned way of just saying, well, they said this. like
00:14:10
Speaker
ah My next interview, of course, was with the genuine multi-hyphenate fanatic Let me cut that in a moment. ah My next conversation was with the genuine multi-hyphenate Amy Lester, and what an absolute joy it was to catch up with her.
00:14:29
Speaker
I found that that conversation was really a reminder that not all communities that you feel safe in are actually inherently safe.
00:14:40
Speaker
And the the the stories that she told about, you know, clowning and acting, ah leading her into this, you know, grassroots organizing route, I just found so ah but inspiring.
00:14:56
Speaker
ah The passion behind the work that she does is is something that I just I respond.
00:15:04
Speaker
Something she said that I have thought about for a long time since the interview was, honesty is the highest level of respect. I'm hopeful that more people will really understand what they want and realize we all collectively gain more than we do in smaller chunks.
00:15:24
Speaker
Her advice was something that i ah really did take to heart. um We had recorded that interview ah months ago at the tail end of the last season, and it had gotten delayed.
Brett Cassidy on Valuing Friendships
00:15:35
Speaker
um But I had reflected on what she had had come up with as an actionable step. And I had tried really hard to to implement it in my in my kind of daily practice. And she says to just embrace those quick thinking of you messages.
00:15:48
Speaker
Don't allow anxiety or or or the fear of scheduling or or, you know, making it a real big hangout. ah Don't allow those to to choke off what can be a really easy ah and and genuinely caring connection um by just contacting with just quick little, hey, how how the hell are you? Right.
00:16:11
Speaker
ah Back in the day, a former guest from from from previous seasons, Daniel Johnson, always says, he sends texts that just say, how you living? And that has changed my life for for for the better.
00:16:28
Speaker
And then, of course, lastly, but most recently, was ah just a massive thank you to Brett Cassidy, the... yeah the psychedelic folk singer um who who who shared real deep stories about his artistic journey you know uh moving from from the band that he is in to doing his solo work and and how he um didn't let lockdown stop him from continuing his artistic expression.
00:16:58
Speaker
I also, ah just, loved his perspective on friendship. and And it is something that I think, I think I do, but I think hearing him vocalize it and hearing the way he framed it is something that I found really remarkable and something that I wanted to highlight. And it was this idea of how, you know, he considers anyone he cares for.
00:17:21
Speaker
as a friend and he tries to celebrate those bonds. um Whether they're whether they there' there's long gaps in between or or more consistency, whatever it might be, he never allows the warmth of that care to diminish the friendship.
00:17:39
Speaker
As he said in the episode, anyone I care about on any level to me is a friend. The people I'm closest with are the ones who know I disappear sometimes but still check in anyway.
Themes of Vulnerability and Community Participation
00:17:50
Speaker
And that Oh, o we need more people like Brett's friends.
00:17:59
Speaker
who understand that sometimes we get weird with it, you know, and it doesn't mean we don't love you, but maybe we need some prompting. um but But really, that is one of the focal points of what I'm trying to emphasize is this idea of of something I'm trying to be more effective around is is being the one to to prompt the reach out and not just rely on others to to do it for me, right? You know, the phone works both ways, right?
00:18:26
Speaker
And of course, his prompt was something that has come up time and time again. And I i think it's a it's an absolute timeless piece of advice. And it's something that um I'm constantly trying to work on, which is that um if you think of someone, if there's someone you miss, if there's someone you haven't spoken to, if they pop in your head, tell them, let them know, reach out, just say, even if it's a a reply on an Instagram story, whatever it might be, but message to them and just say, hey, how are you doing?
00:18:53
Speaker
Thinking about you. And leave it at that. It doesn't have to be these grand, big gestures. It can just be as simple as you're on my mind. Show people you care about them. Let them know people aren't mind readers.
00:19:06
Speaker
And so if you think of them, you have to tell them in order for them to know that you've thought of them.
00:19:15
Speaker
So kind of looking at the whole of this batch of interviews, I've realized a few themes or kind of threads kept reoccurring. One was the necessity of vulnerability, whether was, you know, talking with Amy about clowning, about ah Brett upon on friendship breakups, or or with Randy discussing mental health in the professional wrestling.
00:19:38
Speaker
Every guest reminded us that showing up as your full complicated self is truly the key to building genuine relationships, which leads to the next point of authenticity, not perfection.
00:19:54
Speaker
From renegotiating what success means to reminding yourself, as I always love to to talk about, that want to matter so much more than have to.
00:20:06
Speaker
It creates a ah sort of an invitation to live and to connect on your own terms. so And lastly, community is an action.
00:20:19
Speaker
It's not just about who you belong to. It comes back to this idea that Dean talked about with um promiscuous support systems or Amy's organizing services
00:20:33
Speaker
It really drives home the idea that being in community is about more than just a shared label. It's about how are you actively showing up?
00:20:44
Speaker
How are you giving? How are you receiving? And how are you having ah genuinely hard conversations together, recognizing that ruptures will happen because that is just but the the the nature of humans.
Practical Steps for Community Engagement
00:20:59
Speaker
But how are you repairing is what really, really matters. So I want to boil this segment down into a couple actionable steps. you know as ah i often leave that piece to the end of the interview, but but here we've got a different structure. So let's let let's see if we can come up with a couple of things that you know I'm going to try practicing and maybe you can too. So so ah in a way to make it not quite so overwhelming, I've distilled it down into four action steps that you can try out this month.
00:21:29
Speaker
So first is practice direct feedback. Pick a low stakes opportunity to practice honest feedback with a friend. um Maybe it's something like, hey, I actually prefer to go to a coffee shop instead of the bar.
00:21:46
Speaker
um Or maybe we can meet up at this time that works better for me. Right. But direct feedback. Stop worrying about what other people think or what other people want. And instead, listen to what you want.
00:22:00
Speaker
And in turn, the other side of that direct feedback is create a space that allows others to be heard within. So if someone comes to you and they have a piece of feedback for you, don't jump immediately to why they're wrong or pushing back or whatever it might be. Just allow yourself to hear it, to take it in. They might be right, but they might be wrong. Who knows? Who cares?
00:22:24
Speaker
In that moment, it doesn't matter. What matters is listen, take it in, validate them and allow them to feel like they have been heard and that they um are in front of someone who respects and cares for them.
00:22:41
Speaker
Secondly is do a quick check-in. As we said, don't wait for the perfect catch-up. Just send i'm thinking of you text. Maybe um it's ah you you share a meme about something that you know your friend likes. Maybe it's just a quick how you live in text. Whatever it is, make it fast and make sure you're sending it to somebody who you haven't spoken to in a while but really wish you you had.
Supporting Local Art
00:23:08
Speaker
The next one comes from we Randy, and it's Wear Your Weird.
00:23:15
Speaker
Be visibly, unapologetically enthusiastic about what you are passionate about. Find that thing that you feel is your quote-unquote guilty shame, which sidebar doesn't exist in my lexicon. There's no such thing as guilty pleasure.
00:23:35
Speaker
ah That's what I meant to say earlier. I think I said guilty shame. ah Guilty pleasure is what I meant. ah There's no such thing as a guilty pleasure. There is only things that give you pleasure. ah The only reason you may or may not feel any guilt around that is if that pleasure causes other people's pain.
00:23:52
Speaker
Maybe that's a thing to question, but um you know really liking Pokemon isn't something you should feel ashamed about, no matter what age you are. ah Really liking making ships in bottles is not something to be embarrassed about, right? Maybe maybe if you take pleasure in punching people um um you know non-consensually,
00:24:12
Speaker
That's maybe something to question. But but if if what you think is weird only causes you pleasure, Wear it loud, baby. Loud and proud. um If you want to make a post about something, tag Friendless in it. Let me see your weirds. I would love to see that stuff.
00:24:30
Speaker
And lastly, this really comes back to just a general term, something that I'm really trying to push, mostly because I'm now getting back out into the community again, reading my poetry, presenting my comedy, whatever it might be.
00:24:41
Speaker
Support local art. Go out, find a show, buy a zine, pay for the ticket. Don't ask your broke actor friend for a comp to their play.
00:24:52
Speaker
Buy a ticket. Go to opening night. Support your artist's friends. Every little effort counts. If you see somebody has launched a book, buy that book.
00:25:04
Speaker
You can go without, you know, buying Heather's pick this week, right? You can support a local artist and change their lives.
Maintaining Hope in Dark Times
00:25:16
Speaker
As an independent artist, I can tell you every single person who has ever bought one of my books, anybody who has ever come to one of my readings, one of my comedy shows, whatever it might be, it has meant the absolute world to me.
00:25:29
Speaker
And on their side, it probably didn't cost them all that much in the grand scheme of things. So go out there. If you know an artist, go buy their art. Go support their show, whatever it might be.
00:25:42
Speaker
And the last thing, you know, I talked last month about really wanting to generate a little bit more interaction with my listeners. And and this is one way I wanted to do it is I wanted to put one of the questions that I ask my guests.
00:25:54
Speaker
I wanted to put it out to listeners and and see um what your answers are. um now At the time of recording this, it's the day of the Canadian federal election.
00:26:09
Speaker
ah I don't know what the results are going to be. I don't know if tomorrow is going to be a very dark wake up or or not. But as I've talked about many times on the show, I still believe in the veracity and in the clarity of holding on to hope.
00:26:28
Speaker
I do not find it to be delusional and I do not find it to be um a waste of focus or energy. I think it's just as important to focus on the good as it is on the bad.
00:26:39
Speaker
And so I ask you, What gives you hope when things feel especially dark? You know, there's been countless examples throughout the years as I've asked this question. Most recently, you know, talking about finding inspiration in brave acts of solidarity or or are watching friends and loved ones bloom creatively or or in whatever capacity they want.
00:27:01
Speaker
Or just simply knowing that there are people out there who are fighting, creating, and showing up for all the causes that truly matter. It's these moments, it's these reflections that for me, and and hopefully for you listening, are are what remind me that we can always reach for deeper connections.
00:27:21
Speaker
We can always build deeper relationships. and And I think now more than ever, it's really important that we lean into that.
Friendship Breakups and Communication
00:27:32
Speaker
when our cultures and our politics and so much of the messaging online seems to be driven towards pushing us away from each other.
00:27:42
Speaker
And so I choose to lean in and I'd like to hear what inspires you to lean in as well. Speaking of listener questions, ah well, listener listener responses, I guess. i just I just jumped the shark there, didn't I?
00:27:59
Speaker
um I wanted to move into the next segment and and answer a couple um um listener questions. I've been receiving some open-ended DMs over the month.
00:28:09
Speaker
um I also have a bit of a backlog of questions that I never got to in the last season. So um um I'm just going to get to two or three today. ah But if you, in listening to the show or or at any time, if you ever have a question for me and you want it answered on the show, please reach out, message me, DM me either on Instagram or on Facebook.
00:28:31
Speaker
TikTok, um email me, friendlesspod at gmail.com. Find a way to get in touch with me. would love to hear from you, and I would love to answer your question on a future episode.
00:28:41
Speaker
but But with that, let's dive into the first question. They ask, do you think friendships should have a breakup conversation the same way romantic relationships do?
00:28:56
Speaker
And why or why not? um That is a... wow It's a tough answer because ah my brain goes in two different directions. Very recently, I actually had a kind of situation with a friend who was having problems with one of their long-term friends, and we had a long conversation about...
00:29:18
Speaker
um what they should do, well how they should go about dealing with it. And, you know, at the time I was of the mind of like, fuck them, you know, like if they suck, they suck, you know, and it sucks to suck. So whatever.
00:29:29
Speaker
um But they ended up doing the opposite ah of my advice, which ah more power to them. And I am so proud of them and impressed by them for it. um They ended up sitting down with this friend, having a long conversation. And um not only did it end up um clarifying a lot of the issues that they were having but it also ended up ah helping forge a new reconnection ah between them so you know it's a different relationship than it was ah but that connection still exists because of their communication and I think that's what it really ends up boiling down to is this idea of what do you want out of it
00:30:08
Speaker
um We often get into things like sunk cost fallacy around like, well, I've known them for so long or this or that, the other thing. And I think that that's that piece can be kind of thrown out. But I think if if you really want to look at it pragmatically, it's about what what do you want from the connection that you aren't getting?
00:30:27
Speaker
And is it something that that person is going to be able to give? Or is it something that you have to find elsewhere? And do you need to communicate that? um More often than not, we end up kind of creating narratives in our own mind in sort of a vacuum.
00:30:42
Speaker
And ah people, unfortunately, have yet to truly master the the ah technique of telepathy. And so if you aren't talking to this person, if you aren't communicating to them, there's no way for them to actually know.
00:30:56
Speaker
You can't assume they know just because you've thought it, right? So it really, yeah, it boils down to the idea of what do you want out of this? The other piece of it is that, you know, no relationship lasts.
00:31:10
Speaker
Every connection is finite to some degree. um So allowing for connections to flow kind of in and out of your ah of your life with as little attachment as possible is going to be helpful for everyone involved.
00:31:28
Speaker
Now, when you look at it from the frame of the sort of the breakup, right, um in the ideal world, a breakup conversation isn't, here's my last chance to just unload on you.
00:31:40
Speaker
Here's my last chance to just tell you why every reason why you suck and this is why I hate you and yada, yada, yada. in In the ideal healthiest, most realized version of of the world I wish we lived in, breakup would be a ah chance to sit down and say, thank you.
00:31:58
Speaker
I'm so grateful for this. I loved it when you did this, but our connection doesn't work for me. what I need in this world and in this life in this moment is not something that you can give and that's okay.
00:32:09
Speaker
So please go on with your life and enjoy yourself. ah That has historically not been the case in most of my interactions, nor does it seem to be something that a lot of other people have experienced.
00:32:22
Speaker
um But I think that there is a ah potential to practice that type of conversation with a friend where the stakes are a little bit lower than ah sort of a romantic conversation or something, a romantic connection or something like that.
00:32:39
Speaker
um You know, I've talked about it a lot in recent episodes. It's this idea of like we we value friendships differently from romantic relationships. And I don't think personally I like that very much.
00:32:52
Speaker
So I would argue to push, if anything, I'd argue to push the pressure up on the friendship connections. But because we've been socialized to not value it the same way, um I think that these are opportunities for you to practice these kinds of conversations in a little bit of a lower stakes scenario. so Yeah, it's a tough, it's a tough, it's not a black or white answer. um I think you have to ask yourself, do you, do you, do you want something else from this person?
00:33:23
Speaker
If you don't have a conversation with them, will there be lingering questions? Will there be things you need to clarify? Will there be things you wish you had
Unfriending and Social Media Regrets
00:33:30
Speaker
communicated? um um But if, if the intention of the conversation is just to sit down and say, here's all the reasons why you suck,
00:33:38
Speaker
you know, ah buy a journal or better yet, pay a therapist ah because that's going to be far more effective and far more beneficial for you long term than to just like unload on some person who's just a person.
00:33:54
Speaker
Even people who do shitty things, they're still just a person. So like, just leave them be, you know? um Yeah. um That leads into another, into ah the second question.
00:34:04
Speaker
What is the pettiest reason you have unfriended someone and be honest
00:34:11
Speaker
um i will try to be um i was thinking about this you know so the the easy one i don't even know if i would call it petty per se but uh when i got divorced uh it became a little bit of just like a carte blanche of of anyone who knew that we split and uh Also, anybody who knew what I went through in that period and still kept following my ex, that was a real easy block for me.
00:34:39
Speaker
ah Because i was like, look, if if if you want that level of person in your life, I don't think we can get along. ah Now...
00:34:51
Speaker
Is that petty? I don't know. um But I definitely on reflection, like there are people I wish I had had a bit more of a conversation with. um There are people I wish I hadn't been so rash about cutting out. um And and that, again, happened more recently, and you know, a couple years ago when I when I had ah a different breakup.
00:35:09
Speaker
um And this kind of comes up to the most recent time ah I've blocked somebody. um I'll try to be as as tactful as I can in in the telling of this story.
00:35:20
Speaker
um I, a couple months ago, decided to take my Instagram accounts public. um I had had my my personal account private for a long time just because of the nature of ah not wanting certain certain people to be spying on me. I'd gone through a pretty rough situation ah year or two ago where I was actively doing everything I could to stay away from a person, ah but they were hounding me on any and every platform they could find.
00:35:52
Speaker
And then turning around and telling all their friends that it was me who was stalking them. It's really weird, really tough situation um that I eventually learned it's best to just literally disengage. Just let them tell the stories they're going to tell because the people who only hear one side of a story and decide that's the truth probably aren't people you want in your life anyway.
00:36:11
Speaker
So it doesn't really matter what they think about you. But a couple months ago, i I opened up my account public with the thought that I would, um you know, i'm I'm relaunching the podcast. I'm going to want to be a little bit more of a, you know, for lack a better way of putting it, public figure.
00:36:29
Speaker
So I want people to be able to see what I'm doing. um And within a day or two of doing that, I'm figure. ah A friend of an ex, their account started watching every post, every story, everything I put up like clockwork almost immediately from when I would post it, they were watching.
00:36:50
Speaker
um And i and i noticed that for a couple days and and then I thought I would try something different. I had been reflecting on um people in my past whose connections I had severed rashly, um people who had, you know, who had been friends with exes and things like that, who I had kind of just very quickly and thoughtlessly cut out of my life. And i regretted that.
00:37:13
Speaker
And so I decided to, oh, that is my alarm to take my Seroquel. Ah, yeah. um I decided that I was going to try a different tactic and I was going to speak to them and give them a chance to be an adult and communicate.
00:37:28
Speaker
And so I messaged them and I said, Hey, you know, I see you watching my stories, but you know, we haven't been in contact for almost two years. And, um, um, It makes me really uncomfortable because of yeah my past experiences. And I said, you know, ah what had happened? and And I said, you know, I'm just curious what it is you are looking for in my account.
00:37:48
Speaker
um And I got no response, um which is fine. Totally understandable. um But from there, that's when I blocked them. So... Is that petty?
00:37:59
Speaker
Again, you be the judge. It's just what I did. i don't know. um but But yeah, ah I do try my best not to be what I would and but what i would perceive as petty, but there are times in my life when it's been really easy to get the block out.
Sending an Anonymous Message to an Ex-Friend
00:38:23
Speaker
um especially around election times you know it's pretty easy to be like okay yeah I'm not going to need to see white ah what you think of big boy Pierre you know um I think I would rather pass on that
00:38:40
Speaker
ah last question of the month is a little bit more earnest and I really liked it um ironically it was asked anonymously but the question is if you could send an anonymous message to an ex-friend what would it say And I've thought about this question quite a bit ah since reading it. and And where I've landed with it is I've been reflecting on sort of like reconnective energy.
00:39:05
Speaker
And where my initial impulse has often gone in the past has been to open with an apology, right? Put yourself in the lower position, you know, the sort of the placating, oh, what was me? You know, I'm the dumb one.
00:39:19
Speaker
I'm bad, bad, bad. And what I've realized is that that... energy is really... ah unattractive, for lack of better way of putting it.
00:39:30
Speaker
um An ex of mine used to always say, nobody wants to fuck the little guy, and ah they're spot on. It's this idea of, you know, the the the martyr complex, right? The woe is me, oh, I'm just sad, you know, poor, poor, pitiful me, right?
00:39:45
Speaker
It's really boring, and it's actually quite repulsive when you when you watch it and you see it, and you're like, ugh, just fucking grow up, right? So so I think It's like the idea of with emails, you know, if you haven't replied to an email in a while, you don't open with, hey, sorry, because, yeah you know, that type of communication, not only does it lower you and it make you look kind of, you know, bad and unconnective, but it also puts pressure on the other person.
00:40:12
Speaker
If you open with an apology, then they're expected socially to to to say, oh, it's okay, ah you know. So you're actually shifting the pressure onto them, which is inherently really selfish. Yeah.
00:40:24
Speaker
So what I would open with instead would be curiosity. um I would maybe open with some kind of, you know, I would say, hey, you know, you you popped up in my thoughts the other day. And, ah you know, I remembered this funny thing that happened.
00:40:38
Speaker
And it just it made me made me smile, made me really happy. and And then I would lead with, you know, questions. I'd i'd want to hear about what they've been up to, hear about their life, hear about ah how they're spending their days.
00:40:50
Speaker
um And then I would probably end it with some gratitude. And I would just say, you know, thank you for the time that we spent together. And um I hope you are well.
00:41:01
Speaker
And if you ever want to connect and and speak again, i'm I'm open to it. ah But yeah, I would be really mindful of opening with the pressure of an apology or opening with sort of like the the first thing you say is like, les we're launching into the real big thing, right? Like, nah, nah, get rid of that.
00:41:21
Speaker
Build up to it. Don't open with that kind of pressure.
Listener Engagement and April Playlist
00:41:25
Speaker
But yeah, that's ah those are my takes on those listener questions. Thank you so much for for sending those to me. um If you have ah stories that are triggered by these questions, if you have other questions, if you have just things you want to share about friendship, the good, the bad, the deeply chaotic, whatever it might be, please send them my way, as always, at FriendlessPod on Instagram or TikTok, or email me friendlesspod at gmail.com.
00:41:50
Speaker
dot com So we're going to start the wind down with two new segments that I'm kind of experimenting with. The first is I wanted to to share some highlights of my ah monthly playlist.
00:42:02
Speaker
um Now, obviously, I don't have the licensing to play the actual song, so I'm just going to read out the titles and recommendations, but... Where this stems from is at the start of last year, I started doing these monthly playlists for myself. And so I would, you know, if it was been January, I would start a playlist January 1st and I would add all the music that I was enjoying that month.
00:42:21
Speaker
And then February would start and I'd start a new playlist. Right. um And, you know, for a time I was sharing them on my sub stack and I will be continuing to share them there. when that relaunches this week.
00:42:32
Speaker
um But I thought I would give a little bit of ah some some highlights on the show. um So if you want to follow along, you can ah follow the link in the show notes to the playlist on Spotify.
00:42:44
Speaker
um And and you can you can listen to all the music that I've been enjoying for April. You can go back to the backlog and see everything I listen to, you January, February, March, yada, yada. um And you can follow along for May as I build out the next playlist.
00:42:57
Speaker
um But the songs that really have been on just deep, deep repeat for me recently. The first song is is one that, if you know me, you know Stars is my favorite band of all time.
00:43:10
Speaker
Tork Campbell is a former guest of the show. um I recently got to see them play live again, and it was incredible. um I've been listening to Take Me to the Riot ah from the Bedroom demos um nonstop.
00:43:24
Speaker
and And I just I love the song, the album that it's off of ah originally um ah in our bedroom after the war. not historically their best album, but, uh, love the song, love the version, ah that, that is on the bedroom demos. And, um, just like, yeah, everything stars does, you know, even their worst songs are, uh, better than most bands. So, so yeah, check that out. Um,
00:43:50
Speaker
This next one, um I got ah totally Instagram ad targeted with this one. It's called Get Creative or Get Radicalized by the ToxHards. This a band I've never heard of. I'd never heard this song before, but I was flipping through some reels and this popped in and I absolutely loved it. It's super fun, super high energy, and just really speaks to you my kind of ethos of ah of ah I was supposed to be an adult by now.
00:44:16
Speaker
And lastly is a song that I used to listen to back in the day a ton and I have since circled back to, um not for any particular reason, I just think it's a great song. It's called She's Playing Hard to Get Rid of by Sam Outlaw.
00:44:29
Speaker
The album it's off of Tenderheart, is absolutely gorgeous, incredible album. I remember seeing him live at the Calgary Folk Fest years ago um and just being absolutely blown away by him.
00:44:41
Speaker
And that song has become a bit of a marker for me. um I've used it as an epigraph in in a book that I've written. And um yeah, just the whole album is incredible.
00:44:52
Speaker
But those are just a couple brief highlights of the entire playlist. So if you want to listen to the whole thing, follow along in the link ah but from the link in the show notes.
00:45:03
Speaker
And lastly, to close the show out, I wanted to do what um you the sort of the back half The reason we do a reflection is so that we can see what we've done well, what we what we'd like to work on, and then set
Setting Monthly Intentions for Creativity
00:45:18
Speaker
new intentions for the coming time frame, whatever we set.
00:45:23
Speaker
um Now, obviously, you know, traditionally everybody does like a New Year's resolution or something like that. But for me, I find I have forgotten what my New Year's resolution is by the time ah March rolls around. So what I've decided to do instead is to do some brief um or or or I should say smaller time windows and break them up monthly.
00:45:41
Speaker
ah So I'm going to set small intentions once a month. I'm going to do them on these on these reflection episodes and ah kind of check in with my own personal progress. And if you feel inspired to to do the same, I would love to hear what your intentions are.
00:45:56
Speaker
um We can share them. ah privately or on the show, however you feel comfortable. um but But yeah, i just figure you know if we're going to reflect, we might as well do something with that information going forward. So I've set two separate intentions for myself. One creative and one centered around ah ah friendships and connections. um the The creative one is...
00:46:19
Speaker
As I've talked about on a few episodes, I have this book of poetry, he First Dates with Pro Wrestlers, that I've been tinkering with ah for the better part of, oh god, four years now. um And I had a brand new epiphany with it.
00:46:32
Speaker
I've realized that ah the reason I've been delaying it is because it's not quite cracked what I want to say with that that the spirit of the book.
00:46:43
Speaker
So I'm breaking it up into two pieces. First of all, my intention is to launch a chat book of some of the highlight poems by the end of this month. um And then the back half of that is I'm going to take the rest of the poetry and taking some inspiration from ah Jazz Papadopoulos, former guest.
00:47:01
Speaker
i Go listen to their ah both their episodes. They're incredible. um And their book, I Feel That Way Too, um they took their poetry and they turned it into a narrative. ah You know, they wrote this...
00:47:13
Speaker
readable book that's ah sort of a novel in verse. And I realized that that's sort of what I wanted to explore a little bit deeper around the themes of sort of tenderness and intimacy coupled with pro wrestling.
00:47:26
Speaker
I went to see ah the monthly Boom Show the other day. Sadly, rat Randy wasn't there, but but I was struck yet again by just how evocative pro wrestling is and how um universal it can be.
00:47:41
Speaker
um And there's so many underlaying themes ah that that it plays with. the the The idea of intimacy, you know, the way that the wrestlers have to touch each other and hold each other and trust each other.
00:47:54
Speaker
um And the way that they're presenting these characters that are so comical to some degree and they're and they're and they're so exaggerated and they're playing into not only toxic masculinity, but like Hyper elevated, the most toxic possible version of toxic masculinity.
00:48:15
Speaker
And yet, out of the ring, they're just people. And they're gentle. And they're humane. And they're curious. And they're kind. and And these are themes that I've tapped into with the poetry.
00:48:27
Speaker
But I still want to go further with it. so um So I want to write something deeper with what I have. And I don't want to just sort of ah jump the gun before it's fully cooked, right?
00:48:39
Speaker
so So yeah, so my intention is to split it, to publish the chapbook so that I can get some of these poems out into your beautiful little mitts. and then spend some time really ah diving into ah what I want to say with the back half, you know, the the juxtaposition of of fear of intimacy and tenderness with these sort of larger than life, you know, muscular statuesque men.
00:49:04
Speaker
The other thing, ah my intention is to be a lot more mindful with how I connect with people every day. um I work remotely, so it's really easy for me to lose sometimes days at a time um going between you know work and then just sort of slipping into my my comfort routines of ah of isolation.
00:49:25
Speaker
um So for me, what I intend to do is every day, once a day, make some kind of connection with a friend. It might be fleeting, it might be small, but I'm going to mindfully reach out to them.
00:49:38
Speaker
I'm going to be the one who reaches out, who messages them. Maybe I say, I text them, how you live in text, maybe. Or I send them a meme, or I set up a coffee date, or or whatever it might be. i ask about them.
00:49:50
Speaker
um What i want to make sure is framed behind it is that every day, once a day, I'm reaching out to someone and I'm letting them know, not only did I think of them,
00:50:01
Speaker
But just reminding them that they are important, not only to me, but to themselves. It's important that they are alive. It's important that they are on this earth, that they are continuing to do whatever it is that they're doing.
Episode Wrap-Up and Listener Gratitude
00:50:11
Speaker
And that I'm grateful that they um are have come into my life um at this point.
00:50:18
Speaker
so So those are my intentions. Poetry and being a brave boy as I reach out to friends. um What are your intentions? are you Are you interested in participating in this with me? Would you like to set your own intention?
00:50:32
Speaker
ah Let me know. Friendlesspod at gmail.com. If you want to share them on Instagram, if you want to make a post, please do. i will reshare it. I would love to see what you come up with. But that is going to be a wrap on another beautiful, beautiful month of friendless.
00:50:48
Speaker
If you loved the snippets of the conversations that I highlighted today, be sure to go back and listen to the full episodes. You are going to learn so much more from every guest.
00:50:59
Speaker
They are just brimming with wisdom and insight and just beautiful, beautiful experiences and stories that you really shouldn't miss. And if this show resonates with you, please be sure to give it five star rating wherever you listened.
00:51:14
Speaker
Maybe you want to share it with a friend. ah Even better, maybe you want to just let me know directly ah what's working. What did you love? What do you want to hear more of? Send me a message. at Friendless Pod, Instagram and TikTok, Instagram or TikTok, or friendlesspod at gmail.com.
00:51:31
Speaker
I'm doing my best to grow this show as but as broadly as I can in this team of one, but I have loads of new interviews coming down the pipeline. i have new solo episodes planned that I want to due on more than a monthly basis. I just do not have the capacity right now, but I'm working on it.
00:51:48
Speaker
um I'm relaunching the Substack this week, so be sure to sign up for that. It is free. It's a blast. You're going to love it. um And then, as always, there's just going to be new, wacky, weird stuff coming down the pipeline that I will let you know about as it comes.
00:52:02
Speaker
But before any of that I just want to say thank you. Thank you for continuing to listen. Thank you for showing up and being here with me. And I hope I will see you back here again next week with another brand new episode. But hey, I'm not going to worry about that right now.
00:52:16
Speaker
And neither should you, because that is then and this is now. So for now, all I'll say is I love you and I wish you well. Fun and safety, sweet peas.
00:53:02
Speaker
I'm sorry.