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37. Some Shadow Work on Discipline & Self-Worth
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Sad Pod: The Soul Cast
This week’s episode is intense and vulnerable. It serves as a reminder of one of the big reasons why we’re doing this podcast - to have hard conversations and face uncomfortable truths. Life is a journey and no matter how far we’ve come, we always have more ahead of us.
Disclaimers: We were both tired and worn down at the time of recording, so we not only got emotionally raw but also physically very human. Also, apologies for Molly’s blown out audio in a lot of places. Professionals we are not.
We're so grateful you're here! If you like what you’re hearing, you can find more exclusive content on Patreon: www.patreon.com/soulpodthepodcast. We can’t wait to see you over there!
You can also follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast, or email us directly at soulpodthepodcast@gmail.com.
Molly does tarot readings online and locally in Massachusetts: https://www.thehighpriestesscoaching.com/
Christina sells delicious microgreens in the greater Detroit area: https://www.christinasgreens.com/
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Discovering a Crystal Shop on TikTok Live
00:00:24
Speaker
on the couch like 20 minutes ago or so uh got a notification on my phone of somebody starting live on tiktok and for whatever stupid reason i just clicked on it and it was a girl who is a crystal seller she's got a shop in illinois and um i just started watching her for a few and then she had to get up to go find like a different flashlight and She walked through her shop and like her shop is so freaking amazing.
00:00:57
Speaker
was like, oh my God, your shop is gorgeous. And it was, where are you located? She's like Southern ill um Illinois. Southern Illinois. Damn. Yeah. you know um In a city called Palestine.
00:01:11
Speaker
I'm pretty sure she said. oh wow. Wow. Anyway, so I just sat and watched for a few minutes and and then when I was leaving, I just like, I don't know, there's like 30 some odd people or something like that in in the in the live watching. like I got a bounce to record my podcast. Thanks for the invite.
00:01:28
Speaker
oh I wonder how many people would be like, oh, what but podcast is it? And then try to go like find You never know. You never know.
Gaining a Listener from England
00:01:38
Speaker
Speaking of you never know,
00:01:42
Speaker
i i have tickled pink to be able to be the one to break the news to you that we got a new country today. What? Oh, we did?
00:01:54
Speaker
We got a new country in our analytics. Please tell me who. England. Oh my god!
00:02:04
Speaker
Yay! We got England.
00:02:14
Speaker
oh That's amazing. It's a town I've never heard of. But there's so many of those. so it's okay. Like how many towns are there in the whole world that you've never heard of? Like, you know, probably more than six.
00:02:33
Speaker
I mainly say that, though, because of the fact that like so many towns in New England are named after towns in England. so yeah in all of my perusing of google earth on like the map of england i have recognized many a town name um but this is not one that i recognized what was it i i fear um i fear spooking them if they listen to this episode and then hear their town name
00:03:07
Speaker
Hey, listen. What? How fitting I'm drinking tea out of my cure mug.
00:03:16
Speaker
cure! And like, it's tea! me Llamas don't have much to do with England as far as I'm aware, though. No. But Radiohead does, and that's the t-shirt I'm wearing. Hell as And literally today, because was looking at only today.
00:03:37
Speaker
And I saw it. Nice. my god, it's too tiny on the map on my phone. Tis a city called... um no, I'm going to pronounce it wrong.
00:03:50
Speaker
Deveezes? o D-E-V-I-Z-E-S. If you are the one listening to us from this town, please tell us if we pronounced it wrong.
00:04:03
Speaker
or rather Tell us ah whether or not we did, because I might have pronounced it right. There's always a sliver of chance. So we had two two downloads today.
00:04:15
Speaker
Yeah, the other one's from a town over from where I live. Amazing!
Serial Killer in Massachusetts: A Humorous Take
00:04:22
Speaker
In other unrelated news, there's a serial killer and in massachusetts in New England right now.
00:04:29
Speaker
No. I know. Why? What the hell? Go away.
00:04:38
Speaker
no Don't come to Michigan to all serial killers. What the hell? Go away. Don't come to Michigan. Oh my God. Stay in New England. I'm just kidding.
00:04:49
Speaker
I'm just kidding. here I'm just kidding. I said go away. so then I said, stay where you are. free Go away. Don't come to Michigan. Stay where you are. Walk into the ocean. that's Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.
00:05:05
Speaker
Oh, devises. That's what I said. Yeah. We're so excited have you listening to the podcast. I'm really excited. We've got a new England, or ah and I'm sorry, and an Englander that's new, not a new Englander. We technically have a new Englander. A new English listener.
Exploring Favorite English Bands
00:05:28
Speaker
How's that?
00:05:29
Speaker
um British, I think. is brilliantly a British. The term they'd use. Um, Again, tell us if we're wrong, but I don't think I am. and know a lot about English culture, i think.
00:05:44
Speaker
Not to like toot my own weird horn, but...
00:05:51
Speaker
Oh my god. Y'all, we're so tired today. Both of us. ah We're tired.
00:05:59
Speaker
oh Tired and and a little ill... Yeah. Christina's fighting the illness and I'm fighting the infection. tis Tis a struggle.
00:06:11
Speaker
Sometimes we don't so like our bodies. Oh, it's such a struggle. For real. And so I'm going to be sounding a little snotty and I might need to clear my throat a couple times and ah sniffle or something like that.
00:06:28
Speaker
And I might yawn. Yeah. But I did bring a big roll of toilet paper in here. So if I do have to blow my nose, I'll just mute myself. Good plan. Good plan.
00:06:38
Speaker
Yeah. Let me drink some more tea out of my yeah Robert Smithy cure mug. It's actually not Robert Smithy at all. It's just, I love this mug. Isn't his name just Robert Smith?
00:06:49
Speaker
Yeah. I'm just saying that it's a Robert Smithy mug because it's. Oh, thought you were like saying his last name wrong. Yeah. I know my Smith stuff. You know how i know my parents sometimes the word Smith has an E at the end? Oh, yeah, I guess so.
00:07:12
Speaker
But in that case, I think it's pronounced Smythe. Maybe. I knew someone with that last name. was like, that's a sharp left turn.
00:07:23
Speaker
So I just want to say to like entertain our British listener or the single, the one single, maybe they have a friend that they're message is for you. If they haven't singled you out enough already. so i wanted to say why i i i had to correct myself it's not a robert smithy mug it is literally just a cure mug and what it has on it is pictures of the spines of cassette tapes from the cure that's the most 90s thing in existence i know but i own a lot of these cassette tapes true because you are the most 90s thing in existence is the cure from england
00:08:05
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's why I'm making a big deal about it. voices Oh yeah. The Cure is very English. Yeah. Look at us and our goth selves.
00:08:16
Speaker
ah you with the Some of the best alternative bands are from England. It's true. it's true I'd argue the best. Yeah. oh yeah. All with the best ones are from England.
00:08:30
Speaker
there's some best There are some really good ones from the US s though. Yes, but not the best. well smashing pumpkins nine inch nails yeah i could go on there's okay i mean that's on the goth side of things somewhat but like you know depending on the genre of goth you're talking about but right because like i i i don't know i think that i'm thinking of the
00:09:01
Speaker
My favorites.
Diving into Music Opinions and Favorites
00:09:03
Speaker
Of course. Nine Inch Nails is ah is a you know a favorite. and Actually, I wouldn't say Smashing Pumpkins is a favorite. Not for you, but for me. it's i I love them, but i they're not a favorite. And that's the thing is it is an enormously high threshold to to say a favorite for me.
00:09:25
Speaker
So, yeah. Radiohead, top of list. Mm-hmm. I mean, but thing is, I'm really tired and I haven't thought about music in a long time. So I'd have to sit here and jog my memory for quite a while to come up with like a bunch of band names for me. I've struggled.
00:09:42
Speaker
But like off the top of my head, i mean, like, OK. and mode Speaking of Smith, the Smiths. Right. Speaking of. um Is Depeche Mode from England?
00:09:53
Speaker
Depeche Mode should for sure be from England. Oh, OK. Mm hmm. um but then also like you know the kings of like the punk rock like bordering on ska oh yeah uh era sex pistols the sex pistols i love the sex pistols um the clash i fucking love the clash rock the casbah oh that'll play at my wedding if i have one i actually like the magnificent seven that song is one of my favorites by them you know it i don't um
00:10:29
Speaker
It's so fun. But i i mean, maybe I'd recognize it if I heard it. Yeah, no, but rac the car Rock the Casbah, I would like to... Actually, a lot of Clash songs I want on my wedding playlist.
00:10:40
Speaker
I don't know what I'm going to do. i don't i like i i can't manage the playlist at my wedding, but I'm not going to trust a DJ. a You know? or I'm going to say, hey, I'm going to hire you, but I'm going to give you a list of songs and you're not going to deviate from this list.
00:10:55
Speaker
Right.
00:10:58
Speaker
of Rock the Casbah and This is Radio Clash. Mm-hmm. are two that are absolutely going on the wedding playlist, as well as... I feel like it's a cover.
00:11:12
Speaker
Coldplay... don't know how how British folks like Coldplay, whether they like them or not. but i know I don't don't like Coldplay's recent stuff, but that just makes me sound like an asshole, like... A hipster.
00:11:29
Speaker
But they're... my dude okay but the clash the clash i don't know where they got the name train in vain but oh yeah that's good the song stand by me yeah um that they i think covered but i also love it oh guns of brixton is an amazing song but it will not probably be on that wedding playlist anyway um you're about to say something um Yeah, Cocteau Twins.
00:11:59
Speaker
Holy crap, that's one favorites. ah So good. yeah I mean, there's a bunch of obvious ones that I could list here, but they could be very controversial, so I'm not going to even bring them up. okay
00:12:14
Speaker
See, here's the interesting thing, and this is going to be a controversial. Here's a controversial opinion for you. I think the Ramones are overrated, and I think it's because they're from New York.
00:12:24
Speaker
Um, I'm pretty sure they are from New York and they definitely are overrated. It's kind of sad because one of my favorite writers and TV show hosts of all time, Anthony Bourdain, worshipped the Ramones and I'm just like, Why?
00:12:39
Speaker
It just has to be because he was from New York and like he grew up with them. Yeah. But it's still like their, all their music sounds almost all the same. Exactly. No, literally, very literally, very literally their music is all like the same chord progressions in different keys.
00:12:55
Speaker
Yeah. And it's very just grating. I like a handful of the hits of theirs. And that's where, that's where it ends. Yeah.
00:13:09
Speaker
i i personally like this is no hate to anybody who loves the ramones dig dig a little deeper find something else yeah i promise you you're gonna find something you like better and that is my controversial take for today
00:13:27
Speaker
oh my god so the one that i was gonna bring up that's controversial that's from england is oasis there's a big love hate relationship oh is it just because of wonderwall No, it's because of the dumb like drama that goes on between the brothers.
00:13:42
Speaker
Oh, I don't even know anything about that. Oh, they're constantly back and forth, breaking up, getting back together. It's just ridiculous. oh And there probably is other stuff, too, that I'm unaware of, but that's one of the big ones.
00:13:55
Speaker
I've like never in my life heard of controversy about Oasis aside from everybody being like, what do we'll say overrated? ah like No, I mean, I kind of like some of their music, but the band itself is just like people either love them or hate them because of all their dumb crap.
00:14:12
Speaker
I got you. Kind of the way that people feel about the Eagles. o Yeah. And they do the same thing. who Oh my God. New order. Oh New Order. And obviously Joy Division because New Order was born of them.
00:14:28
Speaker
ah love Joy Division. Yes. Oh my god, I love Joy Division. Two of my faves. Yeah. Are we going to just turn this whole episode into music? No, but let's talk about music because we deserve it.
00:14:40
Speaker
We deserve it. he yeah what about What about um Muse? I'm really not that familiar with that band, be honest. they're another one that i'm like i really don't care for anything they released post like 2013 ish um everything before that i'm like a big fan of it's like kind of yeah in the same vein as coldplay like their old shit went so hard in the best way and then they just went pop
00:15:13
Speaker
yeah their their stuff started sounding like every song they started releasing sounded like an anthem kind of song yeah if that same with same fallout boy we're not talking about but american bands but fallout boy did the same thing o i don't know them really oh my god i saw coldplay when they were new like after their first album came out yes You know who we haven't mentioned yet that I know we both love, even though we've not really commiserated about it?
00:15:42
Speaker
Adam and the Ants. What? No. and know. just saying. Keen. Oh, yeah. Fucking Keen. I like two or three of their songs, but I have not followed them enough to know any more of their music.
00:15:57
Speaker
Oh, God. Yes. Keen. They are amazing. They're so good. And I've seen them twice in concert. Nice.
00:16:08
Speaker
I was going to see them a third time in March of 2020. Hmm. And
00:16:16
Speaker
and then they canceled the remainder of their tour three weeks before the show I was going to see. oh Aww. But I got fully refunded. I don't know. this was I had a great foresight. I think that I would have been refunded anyway because the um pandemic was you know extenuating circumstances.
00:16:33
Speaker
But like i bought the tickets in like december 2019 and ah bought ticket insurance and i'd never done that before ah and then i got refunded because they had to cancel their whole fucking tour it felt horrible but i was like holy shit that was probably a good idea you want a funny story back when I was dating your father oh boy I bought um tickets to see Guns N' Roses because that was his favorite band at the time that's another band that I like and then they canceled they canceled the the concert or the tour or something I don't remember what maybe it was probably just that date I'm not sure but I got my money back and I don't remember buying any kind of insurance because I was 16 you know what i mean
00:17:28
Speaker
i mean i don't know they probably ensure it's for that but like listen it's like the difficult thing is um they if they only canceled like that one day that's easier to refund than an entire tour true because i'm like that's that's where i'm like not sure if everybody got refunds because the whole tour got canceled but regardless. yeah So yeah, then they had, um okay, I just found a ah that found a list.
00:17:57
Speaker
Oh boy. I found a list. Catherine Wheel. They're amazing. The Creatures. ah which i'm trying to remember who was in that okay yeah i was still only talking about english english okay the creatures were vocalist suzy from suzy and the banshees and the drummer budgie um actually and yeah he was from the suzy and the banshees as well okay and There was another, trying to remember who else was, I thought there was someone else mixed in that. Like I thought Robert Smith had something to do with that band.
00:18:37
Speaker
But yeah. And so the Creatures and then The Cure and then Depeche Mode is on the list. So yeah, they're definitely English. I'm like having the realization that like there's a lot of bands that I just don't have a clue where they're from.
00:18:53
Speaker
like garbage garbage from the US that's what I thought but like I didn't know for sure yeah um I'm almost ah i'm positive but you know what I could be wrong I could be wrong and there's also I mean this is again this is me here ah just me me and me but like i've been into a lot of scandinavian artists and bands too um i know we've talked about aurora yeah she's freaking cool she's amazing oh my god um but also she is an alien i'm sorry but she's an alien you know who else is alien not from this world what you know who else is an alien is fever ray i don't know who that is you would like them hmm
00:19:39
Speaker
um they are definitely an alien but also oh eva she's not even from she's from the farrell islands can you say that again evir i think that's how you pronounce it i don't actually know e-i-v-o with a slash through it r huh um i don't know them And she's ah she's a single individual artist.
00:20:05
Speaker
There's also Toblo. Or Tuvelu. That's actually how you pronounce her name. Toblerone. Toblerone. Oh my god.
00:20:19
Speaker
There's this... Jesus, why am I blanking Sigrid? Oh, that one sounds familiar. She's Norwegian.
00:20:30
Speaker
And there's an album that I got way into last year by her, particularly because I was like, I can't think of her name, but I can think of one of the names of her songs. And so I searched that to find it.
00:20:45
Speaker
It's called Burning Bridges. 10 out of 10. Listen to it as well as Mirror. You might have to send them to me because I'm not going to remember. That's OK. This is for the listeners to also listen to. so you're keeping this stuff in. OK.
00:20:59
Speaker
Yes, I don't know exactly how, but I intend to because can make it a smooth topic episode or something.
Struggles with Self-Discipline and ADHD
00:21:07
Speaker
me Yeah, I mean, whatever we want I'll tell you what, that's a good segue into like what our topic was going to be.
00:21:15
Speaker
Wait. dia We're not disciplined. We're fo off. I was like, wait a second, because he said was gonna be and I was thinking of the other topic that I had initially suggested i was like no how does this have to do with the inner child one that we are intending to do yeah
00:21:37
Speaker
it's so weird because like i don't feel and never feel qualified when we we're talking about particular subjects i'm like i'm not an expert we're not experts don't listen to us um But I'm also like, when we're talking about stuff, and it's coming up because we've been thinking about it a lot, it almost feels aspirational. But there's also a small part of me that's like, are we kidding ourselves a little bit? Like, come on you know? um Yeah, we're talking about discipline.
00:22:13
Speaker
Yeah, and we are the least disciplined. i believe it no let me not speak for you because i i can't i have to speak for myself i am so undisciplined like but i am too in some ways i'm not but yeah some ways was like but you know like in the survival ways i'm not but i'm like even and i think you're not either i think that's what you're thinking of is like you know needing to just you know yeah i mean like pay my bills right you pay your bills you get your groceries you like feed yourself i do my best to take care of my kid but yeah i'm not like like the best you know at everything in that regard either but but no parent is fed and washed for the most part but had fed and watered bad in like a flower
00:23:06
Speaker
We generally have clean clothes to wear like 90% of the time. no but like me too though. And like, that's the thing. And it's, I, I hate going into these being like, I'm the worst at this.
00:23:20
Speaker
I want to be better because I never Yeah. yeah i never do. And all, every single time, all of it boils down to discipline.
00:23:38
Speaker
and so we have we've we've she and i christina and i have talked about this like betwixt ourselves just being like i know that this is a thing that we both deal with and would like to and need to work on but like where the fuck do we even start when there's no framework no structure to like follow yeah no like foundation to build upon
00:24:12
Speaker
I mean, and here's the thing, because I know that you wanted to bring this up in regards to like our upbringings and what caused, you know, possibly the root cause of our lack of discipline. But we really cannot discount the ADHD factor.
00:24:28
Speaker
like Well, that's what I was just going to say. Yeah. Like it's, you know, and maybe no matter how we were brought up, we might have been, you know, disadvantaged from the start with regards to our neurodivergence exactly so like there is that but i know that you know being brought up in overly strict or overly neglectful environments also contributed mm-hmm
00:24:59
Speaker
Um, yeah, I wasn't taught discipline. I mean, i was yelled at all the time for like doing something not in adherence to like the rules, like in terms of, let's just put it this way.
00:25:15
Speaker
Um, my, uh, my room not being clean or clothes like dirty clothes being on the floor instead of in the hamper or something like that. Like I would get my ass reamed, you know, get the riot act for that crap.
00:25:29
Speaker
But it's not like I was really shown. Here's how we do things. Here's how you do it. Let me, let's go through it and do it together. You know, let's, you know, no, it was just yelled at about not you know, not doing things correctly. Right.
00:25:44
Speaker
But yeah, ADHD. Right. right but that's the other thing is adhd like i don't even know what it looks like to have like a functioning brain like a an adhd brain that's not like damaged by like ptsd from that kind of shit and exactly you know because it's like maybe that's like half the reason why we rebel against keeping a tidy space like as much as i want that like i've
00:26:16
Speaker
I've reflected and this is like a dark, dark place to go, but I've reflected for myself. Like, do i do I hate myself that much that I don't want to do these things for myself that I that I don't feel like I'm worth it?
00:26:32
Speaker
um No, but like you shake your head. But like, but actually, but actually, I know what you're saying. But it's legitimate. Like, I really have had those thoughts and, like, not been able to discount them.
00:26:49
Speaker
Not been able to be like, no way. Because I do. I do have a lot of, like, contempt for myself. And it's completely... i don't know how much of it is outside of the inability to show up for myself.
00:27:06
Speaker
For me, the contempt is the fact that I... cannot get my shit together and keep a tidy house like i don't have contempt for i don't i don't feel like i'm sabotaging myself because i have contempt for myself i feel like the contempt that I do have is for my lack of ability to, to get my shit together and keep the house, you know, a functional state.
00:27:35
Speaker
That's the thing is that like, I think that I have like a ah state of self loathing that comes from outside of my ability to structure my life and structure my spaces.
00:27:50
Speaker
Hmm. And, more from a place of like all the trauma that i've endured and the like you know very very bad self-image that i have you know battled against my entire life and i have wondered like do i not show up for myself and take care of myself better because i already have that level of self-hatred I cannot answer that for you.
00:28:17
Speaker
I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking the question to the guy. don't know. It's like, it's a rhetorical
Mental Health and Daily Life Challenges
00:28:25
Speaker
question. I it's like i mean, it it's, it's a question to pose because it's, it's what has to be posed because of what we're talking about.
00:28:35
Speaker
Yeah. Like it it's intrinsically entangled. I can't, I can't not. um I'd be, frankly not being dishonest but like it just it it plays into this whole conversation and question of like why what is the deal why is why do we struggle right like i can't wonder that and not factor in the other part
00:29:11
Speaker
I mean, i don't know the right terminology to spew, but it literally all comes down to ADHD because all three of us in my house have And...
00:29:24
Speaker
and every corner of our house is a mess you know what i'm saying right but i'm not only talking about messes okay i'm not only talking about that like i'm talking about like in every area you know maintaining habits routines structure like yeah yeah which i know is like also a thing that you have struggled with a lot and like it's if it's messes on all fronts in all planes of existence not just the physical plane but the time plane hu the brain um thought uh pattern structure is like and a like part of it mess you know like yeah and that still can be
00:30:13
Speaker
you know, reduced down to the symptoms of ADHD with executive functioning. But like, it goes beyond that too. Cause it's like, yeah, I'm medicated who and yet I still struggle.
00:30:30
Speaker
And I'm like the medication, it works, but it's like, it works just enough to get me to like do the dishes that have been not done for two weeks, you know? Yeah. yeah rather than like build a functioning a daily and weekly routine for my life yeah that helps me stay afloat mentally like it keeps me mentally mentally and emotionally above water ah whereas like because i can't do that i'm always feel like i'm drowning yep
00:31:11
Speaker
And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know how to get ahead enough. Right. And I'm like, I know that discipline plays a factor, but like it's, it feels like trying to make something out of nothing.
00:31:26
Speaker
Mm hmm. I think one of the only ways that we could, you know, make, what were the words that you were using? Something out thing? No. Like structure and routine and this that, that kind of stuff. Like how to make those things work for ourselves is by simplifying everything in our life.
00:31:47
Speaker
So, so down to the bare bones. Right. that Like we would end up having to be like live as minimalists in order to do that. Yeah. And that's hard because it's like, and Again, I'm not only thinking, in fact, I'm not even primarily thinking of like possessions and like physical messes.
00:32:08
Speaker
I don't think that living as a minimalist is is the solution. To my problem. Personally. um i know that I have the ability to be organized when I can get. i mean, you keep a tidier house than I do.
00:32:26
Speaker
i'm um i'm not just talking about that, though. I know. it's like you have you have better ability to be organized than I do. And I'm sure that carries over into many other things besides just the house.
00:32:38
Speaker
But I'm like. but i'm like the moment that i stumble from because like i've i've bin i've gone through like a handful of months at a time of like oh i got this i'm fine but the moment that i stumble everything is derailed Or I just have one bad day.
00:33:01
Speaker
Like I do, you know, I can do like a great job of staying on top of my dishes. And then I have one bad day where I can't bring myself to empty the dishwasher so I can start loading it.
00:33:14
Speaker
And then that it leads, it just spirals into like 10 days. And yeah, to the point that it's like, i well, now I can't catch up. Right. Right. And so it's like, but it's, I don't have a control over what kind of a bad day I have. It doesn't matter. Like I can, it's not about like what happens to me external, like from the house. It's like my health is as much of a wild card, my energy and my pain.
00:33:41
Speaker
And like one bad day fucks me up. And then suddenly I'm in a month's long slump. And like, I feel like my life gets wasted because of it.
00:33:55
Speaker
i'm like spending my life trying to catch up yeah and like you know discipline factors in for routine it factors in for household like chores it factors in for hygiene and for like dress and grooming like
00:34:23
Speaker
I don't feel good about myself all the time because I don't have the energy to put into taking care of myself in a way that makes me feel like i look good or, you know, just have general like confidence at all.
00:34:41
Speaker
and like, just makes me feel like I'm not worth it. It's, you know, the, the cycle feeds into itself. Like I'm not worth the effort.
00:34:53
Speaker
And i'm not I'm not here being like, let's think of solutions. Let's just like... I know, i know. Be real. And i saw ah TikTok of someone talking about discipline as their way of showing up for themselves and like establishing trust with themselves.
Building Self-Trust Through Discipline
00:35:19
Speaker
And that felt like a different way to look at it. Because I'm like, if I think about it the way that like, like I know that I can trust i can trust myself to like show up for my friends.
00:35:32
Speaker
If they needed me to help them. Yeah. Clean their kitchen or, you know, do whatever. Literally whatever. And it's like. There was a philosophy that somebody.
00:35:47
Speaker
well somebody was saying like it was a relationship. Like a way looking at self-discipline through the lens of it being a way to build self-trust.
00:36:02
Speaker
Okay. In the way that like you build trust with others where it's like if they are showing up for you, you can trust them. Right. And that actually resonated really intensely for me.
00:36:20
Speaker
Because That's
00:36:25
Speaker
that's been my... that's like That is at the core of like a lot of my anxiety or feeling like things will just never get better because i never give myself a reason to trust myself. um i only ever I only ever give myself reasons to trust myself when it comes to the way I treat other people.
00:36:50
Speaker
where it's like I know that I wouldn't treat my other you know friends or anybody with disrespect to the point that I have enough confidence not to be concerned if anybody you know has the opinion that I don't treat people with this with respect. you know That kind of thing.
00:37:12
Speaker
But like and like outside of like those kinds of principles, what nothing. I got nothing. ah feel I feel feel very i like I'm i'm disciplined. but Well, that's the other thing. Like i I can say, oh, I'm disciplined in the fact that like I edit and get these podcasts out.
00:37:31
Speaker
But again, that's because like we've committed to putting an episode out every week. Right. And it's not just us relying on we're not doing it just for Right.
00:37:46
Speaker
Like, we're doing it because we enjoy it, absolutely. We wouldn't be if we didn't. But, like, we're doing it because by this point, people like to listen to us. I hope so.
00:37:58
Speaker
People come back and listen to us and doubt, like, you know, the people come back and listen to each new episode every week. Yeah, like like, they've followed us so that it automatically happens. And if they didn't like us, they wouldn't do that.
00:38:11
Speaker
Right, exactly. Right. Yeah. And, like... And it's not all like, ah you know, there are those who would be like, oh, well, you don't you shouldn't be doing everything for everybody else. But it's like it's not all for them.
00:38:24
Speaker
But that's like a part of it. And it's like a commitment to the project that we have made. And and we're committed to it. But it's like why can't i apply the same kind of commitment to myself?
00:38:38
Speaker
Is it because i don't think I'm worth it? i think so that doesn't make it true but that may be actually what the feeling or what the this weakness is coming from yeah in the same way that like i'm not i've never been the kind of person whenever ever you know when people make the suggestion of like oh like Just, like, set yourself a goal of, like, I'll do this, you know, for five days straight and then I'll, like, reward myself with something.
00:39:15
Speaker
And I'm like, well, I made the rules so I get to break it. her Yeah. Because the rules that I make don't matter. You know? Yeah. it's like It's like a almost like ah not taking myself seriously in a way that, like, is actually really detrimental.
00:39:34
Speaker
Right. And I hate it. I'm really sick of it. Yeah. And that's I don't know what this is. the This podcast episode of being like of of getting into this because it's like I'm not I'm not here to be like I'm gonna make a commitment to do that. No.
00:39:56
Speaker
Right. Because it'd be a lie. I'd feel worse faking it. No that's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about
00:40:07
Speaker
self-discipline or why do we have a love-hate relationship with it or like or a hate-hate relationship with it yeah why is it such an issue for us why is it like why do we struggle i don't know i mean the only thing i can tell you is honest to god is is adhd that's it and i think adhd like you know are the issues that we have that stem from having adhd are the things that are causing us to have like self-loathing issues and do you know what i'm saying it's all such like a a deep tangled web yeah it is and it's a it's a big fucking circle jerk
00:40:51
Speaker
Yeah, in like... Vicious circle, if you will. this The vicious circle jerk. Yes. Exactly that. That sounds like a punk band.
00:41:05
Speaker
Oh my god, if we ever came up with a punk band, Molly, we have our name.
00:41:11
Speaker
That's our name. Oh my god. Ugh. Ugh.
00:41:17
Speaker
oh
00:41:21
Speaker
Yeah, everything is such a big, deep, tangled web. And I peel back layers and layers and layers. And there's always more garbage underneath.
00:41:35
Speaker
And I don't want it. I think when it comes down to it, like, we just have to start living our lives with less judgment.
00:41:46
Speaker
with less self-judgment and that's it yeah don't judge yourself about anything just do your best all the time god such a tall order
00:41:59
Speaker
oh yeah no i know and like i in particular not to dive right back into astrology but i i really feel like it's i'm gonna have a hard fucking time with that for the fact that I have a Virgo stellium.
00:42:17
Speaker
In particular, and because the planet pertaining to routines and like daily life or whatever in general is like Jupiter, i believe.
00:42:31
Speaker
That's also in Virgo for me. Jupiter? Yeah. Okay. Actually, yeah Well, I always associate Jupiter i i was like not 100 correct when i was said that actually because i always associate jupiter with routines because my jupiter is in my sixth house which is about routines but because it's and ah you know what this is really why it's on the forefront for me is because i keep being reminded of the fact that
00:43:04
Speaker
Jupiter, which for anybody signifies growth, abundance, luck, wisdom, and expansion. who For me, having Jupiter in Virgo in the sixth house means that my ability to grow and get abundance and gain wisdom and expand in my life is directly tied to my ability to keep and maintain routines.
00:43:35
Speaker
and i'm like god damn it this is literally an automatic like hobble yeah on my progress because cannot for the life of me get my shit together and i can't even joke about it anymore you know everyone's like oh i'm such a hot mess i'm like i don't like being a hot mess right sorry what were about to say that's okay i was just gonna say i'm not trying to go like divert off the topic at all but like i'm still confused about jupiter and chiron both being in my 10th house and so it's like you gotta see an astrologer i know but like when i'm trying to like
00:44:24
Speaker
make sense of it in my head.
Astrology's Influence on Life Decisions
00:44:26
Speaker
I'm supposed to have some kind of wound regarding like my career or my like outward um public reputation and stuff like that.
00:44:38
Speaker
That's what the 10th house is. And I'm like, I don't know if I understand that. Like, I don't know where I have a wound with that. Like, I don't know. feel it i don't really know. Because I've just been doing the same job for 28 years.
00:44:54
Speaker
And I deal with the public all the time. And I'm like, I don't think I have a problem with it. like Well, this is why I'm saying got to see an astrologer. Because they're probably going to figure out or they're going to know what it's supposed to mean. Yeah.
00:45:07
Speaker
And be able to explain it to you. But I can't. Yeah. You know, and also i think that Chiron probably doesn't only represent wounds that are affecting us in this life, but wounds that are being carried over from past lives.
00:45:26
Speaker
Hmm.
00:45:29
Speaker
That's interesting. That's possibility. It's like let's like cosmic karmic wounds that run really deep in ways that we can't even like fathom.
00:45:40
Speaker
Yeah. You know, um the reason that I couldn't bring myself to actually decide and stick with talking about the inner child today is because the discussion happening in the Anahanas Marco is all about children and whether you love them or hate them, whether or not you have them. And like, why?
00:46:08
Speaker
And i was listening to people talk about it and and fucking crying because of my inner child wound.
Inner Child Wounds and Parenting Views
00:46:21
Speaker
And having the realization that aside from all the like practical reasons why I don't think it's a good idea for me to have kids, the biggest reason is because I have an unfathomable inner child wound.
00:46:37
Speaker
due to my Chiron because of the placement of it being in the fifth house for me. It was something that Amber energy brought it it brought up. Right.
00:46:49
Speaker
In the shadow reading was like, well, she, she brought up not just in the shadow reading, but she was like, you really don't have an interest in having kids because you have so much activity in your fifth house.
00:47:02
Speaker
which is the house of children and i'm like i think i have so much activity there because i have like so many wounds about it and uh it can't all just be because of my own upbringing and people who've been through way worse upbringings have been totally happy as mothers who so i know that's something and don't understand it yet but it's something under the surface like deep down so chiron's a mystery it's it's not just an easy like like oh yes point at it like no it's it's deep and dark and ugly huh so yeah when i get a little extra cash i'm definitely gonna be making an appointment with her with the amber yeah yay good yeah do it um
00:48:01
Speaker
Yeah, i I guess that is because that is the reason why. like the the Like, thinking about the fact that it's just been pointed out to me a lot um via astrology, you know, the various avenues where I get my information. Yeah. um That, like, my ability to, like, succeed in life is directly tied to my ability to, like, maintain a routine. oh my goodness. That, like,
00:48:32
Speaker
helps me take care of myself i'm like god damn i can't do it but i want to i guess is a prison like timers and reminders or something no so I'm not looking for solutions.
00:48:52
Speaker
I know. I have thought of everything. Okay. And it's literally boiling down to the timer could be going off in front of my face and I'm like, I can't get up. Okay.
00:49:03
Speaker
That's like, it's so not something that can just be like, here's an idea. no Nope. And that's not what that's not what this is about. I'll drive myself absolutely fucking insane.
00:49:17
Speaker
Just thinking, thinking, thinking, how can I do this? How can I change this? How can I fix this? It's like the problem lies in the ability to initiate.
00:49:30
Speaker
I can and have on many a ta many an occasion sat down and drawn up the most elaborate or the most simple or the most lax or the most strict routines and schedules for myself.
00:49:50
Speaker
And then actually implementing them is like behind a weird glass like case. Yeah.
00:50:01
Speaker
That's impossible to get and into. I'm trying and it's I know that I've been struggling too we'd literally just you know off the top we're talking about the fact that i have no energy and it's because my body's been fighting infection on multiple fronts yeah yeah for two weeks now right god like what a fucking tangled tangled tangled complicated problem where the the problem is occurring on multiple fronts multiple different sources
00:50:38
Speaker
no energy because I'm constantly like fighting infection or because I ADHD and can't get myself to fall asleep and then can't get myself to wake up on time and then can't get myself to initiate anything because executive functioning, my job and it drains me and it's like constant every day, all day.
00:51:05
Speaker
and like, you know, I only just a couple weeks ago and the realization that like I should probably start taking my ADHD meds at like 11 a.m.
00:51:18
Speaker
rather than 7 a.m. m
00:51:22
Speaker
So that like I can have energy when I get home from work. Yeah. You know, because it'll last me about eight or nine hours, but eight or nine hours is exactly the length of my work day.
00:51:35
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I should be doing the same thing. but yeah, like reframing discipline in the way of how it was talked about in that one TikTok is making me wonder if that might be the way to change my relationship to the concept of discipline.
00:51:55
Speaker
Yeah. Where it's the way that I like to develop self-trust the way that you do that too, you know, not just me. And in that way, maybe find that it is possible to make something out of nothing.
00:52:16
Speaker
Can you and explain to me what you mean by making something out of nothing? Like, in the same vein as, like, not having a foundation upon which we could build, like, self-discipline.
00:52:30
Speaker
Gotcha. Yeah, making something out of nothing just meaning, like, establishing the ability to have a routine and stick to it when there's no precedent for it being able to be done before and no energy with which to do it no drive no motivation okay i get what you're saying now yeah and like no reason to do it it doesn't it's i've never felt like and and this is where it kind of kind comes back to wondering whether it's because i just fucking hate myself it's like you know it's like oh well you should like take care of yourself as an act of self-love but it's like what self-love
00:53:16
Speaker
It's like something can't be an act of self-love when I don't feel like I have the self-love to act upon. Yeah. And it's like in all the strides that I have thought that I have made that I maybe did make in self-love, like to have spent the winter time such like a stuck state just drained me of the ability to like view myself in any positive light.
00:53:48
Speaker
yeah so it's like it's just when there's no reason no motivation no energy no time that's like where i'm like shit i can't i can't just like make this happen there's no basis upon which this can happen but looking at it differently might be the might be the loophole that gets me out yeah whatever works man If it works, who even knows?
00:54:16
Speaker
what the fuck What the fuck have we been talking about? This is nonsense. It's all nonsense. I'm very tired. Oh my.
00:54:27
Speaker
This has been Soulpod, the sad podcast.
00:54:34
Speaker
Sadpod. Sadpod, the soul cast. Oh my god. I know I wasn't going to say anything, but I was like sitting here thinking, God, I'm getting depressed.
00:54:48
Speaker
but
00:54:51
Speaker
o
00:54:53
Speaker
So, yeah, I guess I'm sorry if this has been a little bit of a bummer of an episode.
00:55:00
Speaker
But, you know, we've had we've we've been on kind of the down downtrend. and In terms of like energy lately. Kind of the both of us. For me it's just too easy to feel like trash about myself when I'm struggling to take care of myself in the most basic ways.
00:55:19
Speaker
Lately it's been hard. That's all. I understand. Makes perfect sense. Yeah. Anyway.
00:55:29
Speaker
Sadpod. The Soulcast.
00:55:35
Speaker
oh it's like we bring up topics and there's always hope in our hearts that like we will have more space for these things that we talk about to come into our lives but it's like implementation as of late has just been challenge in all ways, not just like discipline in and of itself, but just, just, you know, well, discipline about all the things really. Yeah.
Closing Remarks and Listener Gratitude
00:56:09
Speaker
But yeah, I, uh, I am so hopeful about green returning to the land. hey All of the trees have those little red buds yeah at the ends of the branches.
00:56:25
Speaker
that say, leaves will be here soon. I'm just like, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yeah, one good rain and probably like... Oh, we've got so... We've had so much rain.
00:56:39
Speaker
Yeah, dude, we did. So much rain lately. The problem is it's it's accompanied by freezing temperatures, which makes the trees less likely to want to bloom. Right.
00:56:51
Speaker
Yeah, right now it's 29 degrees. Fuck. Oh, Oh, God. Dude, I 50 for Friday. 57 for Saturday. 62 for Sunday. 70 for Monday.
00:57:10
Speaker
you lucky bitch. And then Tuesday, 45. Yeah. yeah Yeah, this is the thing. We're getting 50 on Thursday. And then by Saturday, it's down to another high of 38 degrees. Bleh.
00:57:26
Speaker
With rain. All day. Yeah. It's like by next Friday, a week. Yeah. A week from Friday, it's supposed to be 40. Yeah. Or high. April's are always still cold here.
00:57:39
Speaker
And i hate it. As a reminder. What? We got a Patreon. Oh, yeah. And you should listen to our stuff on the Patreon.
00:57:52
Speaker
Go to patreon.com slash soulpod the podcast. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was actually, like, really good. We, like, have really good conversations over there.
00:58:04
Speaker
yeah we have really good conversations all the time, but like, I feel like we get, like, extra juicy. We got that them extra juicy pickles. Spicy. Hot and spicy. The hot and spicy.
00:58:17
Speaker
Go sip our pickle juice. oh to her God, that was disturbing.
00:58:26
Speaker
Go suck on our pickles. Stop it! No! No! Why? But why not? Don't suck on my pickles!
00:58:37
Speaker
Go suck on our pickles. That's awful. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sample. Sample the pickles. Sample.
00:58:49
Speaker
Christina's going to chase you down. going to shove pickles up your nose. Oh, no dont We don't condone violence.
00:59:01
Speaker
oh
00:59:04
Speaker
We also have an Instagram. Christina, what's the Instagram? Um, at SoulPodThePodcast. Yes, bitch. You got it. And we got an email.
00:59:19
Speaker
o SoulPodThePodcast at gmail.com. Fuck yes. And you can find us in all those places.
00:59:30
Speaker
We don't have a Facebook. We don't have a Facebook. We have personal Facebooks. yes But we don't really use them much. not I share dank memes.
00:59:46
Speaker
All I do is bitch about the government. and My memes are bitching about the government. Trying to educate the the the other side, if you will.
00:59:59
Speaker
God, it's a lost cause if you ask me. But we're not going to go there. um We're not going there.
01:00:07
Speaker
Because this is Sadpod the Soulcast.
01:00:14
Speaker
Oh my god. We're grateful that you're here, you guys. Hell yeah! We are extremely, extremely grateful. And y'all are the best.
01:00:26
Speaker
And we love you. Thanks for listening, bitches! We'll see you again next week with less sad, more soul.
01:00:37
Speaker
We hope.
01:01:14
Speaker
in Naked and afraid. bed. Don't be afraid bed. When the ghosts come.
01:01:27
Speaker
Oh my goodness.