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57. Re-Discovery of Self
15 Plays11 days ago
Fuckin’ Lewises.
This week we explored a few memories which remind us of who we once were, before trauma began its chokehold on our personalities. We explore what we’ve done to reconnect with those earliest versions of ourselves, and how we have and have not changed since then. This episode goes deep and dark, just like we like it.
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You can also follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast, or email us directly at soulpodthepodcast@gmail.com.
Molly does tarot readings online and locally in Massachusetts: https://www.thehighpriestesscoaching.com/
Christina sells delicious microgreens in the greater Detroit area: https://www.christinasgreens.com/
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Observing Nature's Changes
00:00:26
Speaker
how are you i'm okay i'm okay i'm tired but i'm right i feel good good yeah i feel relaxed it's it's one of those days i really feel yeah it was i mean it was nice it was a crazy day at work for me like absolutely fucking bananas bonkers um but it was beautiful outside it's not too hot and you know fucking what bitch guess what i fucking realized this week what the leaves are starting to change already no way dude for real wow i was like on my commute yesterday and then i noticed it again today they are changing they're changing have you guys not been getting enough rain
00:01:12
Speaker
we've gotten some I think it's just because we've had like I mean it's not been cold but it's been like much cooler than August usually is for the last week or so yeah um and overnights it's been you know well into the 50s and like I've been like this morning I had to put my heat on my car for a little bit yeah I did too yeah and so I think the cold is just sort of kickstarting the shift Yeah, it was in the like mid or upper 50s here as well the last couple of mornings.
00:01:47
Speaker
Yeah, I love it though. It's really, it's giving the cozy vibes. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad. i didn't even need ah my air conditioning on the last few nights.
00:02:03
Speaker
Yeah, same. I haven't had my air on in about a week. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say because like even on a day when I got up to the mid 70s and it still got that warm in the house, it was like, well, it was getting that warm in the house, even with the AC running before. So I was like, there's no point in turning it on at all. I'm used to it getting this warm in the house. So, yeah. So it was like
Unpleasant Awakening
00:02:29
Speaker
um putting the box fan up in the window at night and bringing in the cold air at night. And it just felt so good.
00:02:35
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:02:39
Speaker
i kept like i woke up and could not go back to sleep because the smell of us gunk was in my bedroom so bad i was just like gross yeah and i couldn't go back to sleep so it was because the box fan yeah because there was one that was outside of my house squirting something and it was like just coming right in my bedroom ah and so i took the fan out of the window and closed the window and i got an old body spray from bed bath and beyond that scratch that from a bit bath and body works i always get those two mixed up yeah um
00:03:17
Speaker
And then there used to be the body shop too, which was way back in the day. Oh yeah. um I sprayed that all over my blanket on the bed to like help get the yeah smell out of my nose. It was awful. And then I was able to go back to sleep after that. So like the last couple of nights and actually it actually got too chilly in my room, like the last couple of nights. So I've been closing it just before we go to bed.
00:03:43
Speaker
i should just leave it cracked, but whatever. yeah And then like I was when I got home earlier and I was taking my nap like right before I took my nap. No, right after I know, I'm sorry. Right after I woke up, right after I told you I was going to set up, I like got off the bed and went, oh, shit, this bedroom window has been closed all day.
00:04:02
Speaker
And it's like warmer and stuffier in our bedroom than it than it should be. And I was like, dang it, it should have been open all day. So like I just opened it and. stuff but yeah the window in this office is open so I'm getting a nice fresh air feeling coming in over here hell yeah hell yeah I just looked at weather app for the next 10 days the temperature does not have a high over 76 it's so beautiful and every single night is dipping into the 50s even as low as 51
00:04:40
Speaker
Now I gotta check mine. Last night, actually, apparently last night it got all the way down to 47. That is fucking crazy. and know. Yeah. Supposedly it's 68 right now.
00:04:53
Speaker
who Let's see. Daily. So today it was supposed to go to 72 and be rainy and it did rain like for a minute.
00:05:03
Speaker
Like somewhere. And then tomorrow 68. And then 74 and then 77 and then 78 Monday, 79 Tuesday. That's not bad, though.
00:05:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's still pretty nice in the morning or the overnight lows. Low 50s, mid 50s. Yeah. yeah yeah Tonight overnight, it's supposed to probably get down to 49.
00:05:27
Speaker
you it's gonna nice yeah i'll be leaving the window cracked but i actually honestly i think i think that's why i've been closing it completely closing it at night just because i just don't want to smell that fucking skunk like there if it comes around again i mean swear to god because it's happened more than one time it's and that wasn't the first time the other night so right i don't want to be woke up with the nasty smell of a skunk yeah nobody does god do smells wake you up
00:05:58
Speaker
Um, I don't think I've ever really had that happen. And I don't, that doesn't necessarily mean that I haven't had smells that have occurred. Like, I don't know.
00:06:10
Speaker
That's the thing. So maybe not. I don't know. I have been woken up by skunky smells in the middle of the night before. and I wake up a lot of times in the morning.
00:06:22
Speaker
um The smell of if John is up before me making breakfast, like smell of breakfast cooking or coffee making. I can't remember the last time that I lived in a house with someone who wanted to get up before me and make breakfast.
00:06:40
Speaker
Yeah. ah Yeah, my my ex that I lived with didn't like to wake up early didn't cook. hu Still doesn't cook. Yeah, as far as I know.
00:06:52
Speaker
And so, yeah.
00:06:56
Speaker
Yeah. So I don't really if I can wake up from the smell of breakfast, I don't remember. anyway Well, you may you may end up with a roommate in the next week, so you never know if that would happen. It's true. And i'm ah he does cook, so... Make sure you buy some eggs and bacon and and make sure he knows it's in the fridge.
00:07:21
Speaker
Yes, ma'am. Hey, yo, by the way, if you feel like it, there's eggs and bacon in the fridge. Yeah. You can make me breakfast before I have to go to work. Whatever.
00:07:34
Speaker
oh Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to sit and expect it for sure. I just dripped water all over myself. Bare naked legs.
00:07:46
Speaker
um Yeah, I'm not going to... expect it but but yeah um i hope that our listeners are not bored by the fact that we seem to talk i feel like we do talk about the weather a lot do we think we do but actually like the weather really impacts my mood so i feel like it's not like just the most blah thing to talk about um yeah if anybody lives in michigan or massachusetts they are gonna like enjoy listening to this because they'll be feeling our misery or our happiness regarding like the cooler weather know what i'm saying they'll be like oh yeah that would that was that was the best night ever because it was only 70 you know whatever anyway
00:08:35
Speaker
we We do talk about the weather a lot. Sorry, not sorry. More on the not sorry end of things. and But we actually have like a non-weather topic to talk about today. And
Childhood Defenses
00:08:51
Speaker
Christina is taking her turn at bamboozling me.
00:08:55
Speaker
I am? I would tell you any of the memories. You didn't give me any detail. told me so you told me but there is a memory. i did i think I told you to reserve it for when we're recording, but I don't i don't really, i don't know what the memory is, obviously, and I don't really know what the subject matter is going to be okay about it. So I'm really, really curious. Okay. Okay.
00:09:22
Speaker
you All right. And i I had told Molly that I had had like old memories pop up recently. Yeah. And that they had popped up a couple different times, but then i couldn't remember again what the hell they were. So it took me a while for...
00:09:37
Speaker
it's come back and be like, Oh yeah, that was it. And then I like messaged her and I was like, I remember. and Um, and I'm pretty sure that this is the right one, but if I have another memory pop up later on, that makes me go, Oh no, this was the one like, then we'll just do this again. but um, anyhow, I had a couple of really crazy memories from when I was a kid and um, um,
00:10:04
Speaker
i I guess I used to be a little bit of a badass. Like, I beat some kids up.
00:10:12
Speaker
did Did I ever tell you about these stories? not No, I really don't think so. oh my god. Okay. like So in like a bully way? No. a Okay. In a being um defense self-defensive kind of way.
00:10:26
Speaker
in But like, the first one was weird. Like, i might I probably overreacted, but like i there was a girl who I don't remember, because this was like first grade. that She might have been our age in the same grade, but like bigger way bigger. Or she might have been like a year older and a grade older. and like But she was much bigger than me and my other friend.
00:10:50
Speaker
And I thought we were friends. like I kind of remember that we used to maybe play together. like Me and this one girl, I think her name was Dina. Right. she i think she was Native American or or Hispanic. I don't know. But like, um like I wish I could find her. It's kind of weird. Like, I remember being really close with her.
00:11:10
Speaker
um And then like her family moved away. So I never knew what happened to her. But anyhow, so me and Dina and this other girl who was bigger than us, maybe a year older, but I don't remember, like she was also of a similar ethnicity from what I can remember.
00:11:28
Speaker
Mm hmm. But not that that matters at all. It's just that the I'm just picturing the people in my head. And so that comes to mind because. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:41
Speaker
But so the bigger girl was kind of taunting us or teasing us. And like she had put her arms around both of us and were squeezing us together. And she wasn't letting go.
00:11:52
Speaker
what She was like, she put her arms around us and she was just like, no, I i know. i'm just like, why? why Like, that's he's just so weird. Second grade people are weird. First grade kids are stupid. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, um shit.
00:12:09
Speaker
They tease and bully other kids over whatever. But I was getting really annoyed with it and she wouldn't stop. yeah so i pulled my right arm back and just went, wham.
00:12:19
Speaker
And like I popped her right in the freaking kisser and knocked her tooth out. Oh, my Yeah. and excuse And she had like, you know, like grabbed her face and started screaming and crying and rent ran away. And oh my god I remember i got a phone call. Like my mom got a phone call.
00:12:38
Speaker
after school about it that I hit a girl the playground. I don't remember getting in trouble for that, but I felt like I was, i don't, I didn't like being trapped by her no and then the teasing and she was just like not stopping.
00:12:55
Speaker
it was really weird. Yeah. um And then I don't, I don't have any more memories of that girl after that. I don't remember seeing her around or being her. I mean, maybe I, maybe I did, but like,
00:13:08
Speaker
It was a baby tooth anyway. Right. It was going to come out, you know. Yeah. But i I still shake my head at myself like, wow, how in the hell did I have the balls to do that like back then, you know.
00:13:22
Speaker
And then yeah fast forward about three more years, I'm pretty sure ah around fourth grade. um i was in a different school altogether i just remember a friend of mine i was on the we were all on the playground a friend of mine was getting bullied or teased by like a group ah group of boys there was three three or four easily that were all around her And taunting her and teasing her and stuff like that.
00:13:52
Speaker
And I basically jumped in the middle where she was. And I don't remember if I like pushed her out of the middle of the group or whatever, but I kicked every one of those boys in the nuts.
00:14:04
Speaker
Like in a circle. Like in a circle. I just went wham, wham, wham.
00:14:13
Speaker
Oh my god. And I just remember them all grabbing their nuts and doubling over like.
00:14:24
Speaker
I ever tell you these stories before? No, you really haven't. Oh my god. But they were all teasing her and they were like being little assholes. And I didn't like it.
00:14:37
Speaker
was like, wasn't having that shit, you know? Isn't that crazy? And that's fourth grade. And that's like, I was around nine. Cause like my kid is, you know, he's, he was just nine in fourth grade. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. had to be when I was around probably nine.
00:14:55
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is nuts. Those memories, I sometimes just think to myself, is that, was that just a dream? Could that really have been me? But like, no, I've had these memories for a long time.
00:15:11
Speaker
So I'm sure that they happened. yeah but like how wild like i i mean who was i know what i mean yes because that's so cool though you know that shit got abused out of me later on in life you know what i mean my when my stepdad came in the picture ah whole lot of shit changed i got bullied into submission and and never never was able to go back Yeah. I mean, now um maybe I have, but like, but it just took so many fucking years.
00:15:42
Speaker
Yeah. It's like a recovery process that you have to go through to be able to like a literal, ah literal recovery. Like, cause it's not only like mental health and like trauma recovery, but like literal recovering of who you were.
00:15:56
Speaker
Exactly. Yeah. Oh my God. So I was a little badass, dude. Yeah. I don't really remember any other like things happening like that, but those two specific things have always been, yeah. Always been part of my core memories.
00:16:15
Speaker
That's awesome. That's awesome. yeah ah So I just was, I just, I guess I wanted to talk about how, you know we could be something so different as a child and then like lose it lose all of that due to like yeah bullshit in life and you know abuse or trauma or whatever yeah become somebody completely different you know and now that I'm a menopausal woman I'm finally getting that bitch back badass bitch is coming back finally fuck yeah
00:16:51
Speaker
Oh, love that. Yeah. Like, I mean, you know how I feel about this subject, really. I'm actually, like, pleased to be able to talk about it, but it also feels like a huge thing to talk about.
00:17:03
Speaker
yeah Because, like, I've described to you how I truly grew up not really feeling like I knew who I was.
00:17:15
Speaker
yeah
Impact of Childhood on Adult Identity
00:17:16
Speaker
And not really feeling like it was safe to explore or express any part of who I truly was. Because anytime that I let something slip that was authentic, whether I was in the presence of my parental figures or just at school or with friends or whatever.
00:17:39
Speaker
yeah Like there was always the risk of. it getting back to my parental figures. Yes. And always the risk of being disciplined, but in like an abusive way, you know, to where yeah the way that you talked about your stepdad, like, you know, abusing that out of you, like it was like done the same kind of way or the same kind of circumstances for me, but like over a longer period,
00:18:12
Speaker
period of time and over like, and in like, uh, maybe less night and day, black and white sort of, sort of, uh, way.
00:18:23
Speaker
Like it was like this, it's very literally via like, it's the kind of treatment that results in CPTSD, like complex trauma where it's just small little things over a long period of time that,
00:18:41
Speaker
fuck you up just as bad as like big T trauma. And like, it's like, get like nonstop little gaslighting shit. Exactly.
00:18:52
Speaker
Gaslighting or, or simply being told like you are bad for doing what you did or saying what you said or feeling how you feel. hu And it has to stop.
00:19:07
Speaker
And you know, even if the words it has to stop, don't actually, you know, get spoken. yeah The message comes across super clear. Like when you're a child, like your instinct for like knowing or, or learning what is safe and what is not is like in high gear. Cause you're like experiencing life completely new.
00:19:33
Speaker
yeah And so like when you get treated that way, You learn that it's not safe. And you learn that, you know, through all sorts of subliminal messaging, that who you are or what you want or anything about you is a problem yeah and but even just the things you like yeah the things you like really fucked up because yeah everybody you know and we're all a little different right right single person is ah all we're all a little different and and life would be fucking boring if it wasn't true but yeah to be told the things that you like and who you actually are is in you know as a core human being like your core personality or whatever is wrong
00:20:26
Speaker
And bad is just the nastiest, most disgusting thing you can do to a person. Yeah. it really, truly is. Yeah. And it's like, like, it's especially still. Especially the child.
00:20:39
Speaker
And like, when you're learning and growing up. Yeah. Scarring. Child, you know. Exactly. i'm like. So fucked up. and And resulting in me coming into adulthood, not feeling like a person, you know? And like, sure, ah they a part a portion of that absolutely was the fact that I grew up undiagnosed ADHD.
00:21:07
Speaker
Right. Like, living that way, you It's, like, impossible not to feel like you're on the outside at all times. But also, like there was, like, just this constant level of Or layer, I should say, really, of, like, self-consciousness about, like, who I actually was. Like, and feeling like who I was was either shameful or like, embarrassing or um just plain negative. Yeah.
00:21:40
Speaker
And... you know, another part of like wondering who actually am I and like, how do I actually want to behave or, or you know, live and, you know, not really understanding, not having a sense of self like that.
00:21:56
Speaker
It's so, it it gets down so deep to the core of like, just simply existing. It's like really hard to even explain You know, it's like, what does it mean? How does it feel to not have a sense of self?
00:22:13
Speaker
Yeah. And to have never had a sense of self. Yeah. Like, I've been, i've been really trying to fucking figure that out.
00:22:24
Speaker
um But I wanted to ask, like, is there like anything you feel like you have dine intentionally or unintentionally to reclaim that piece of yourself or that like former personality you know that like who you were as a child now like as you've like become conscious of it like beyond or or outside of like the simple going to therapy working on you know healing you know your various traumas like i don't know dude yeah i i mean like i have done therapy but i i don't think that
00:23:07
Speaker
little you know fearless badass girl was ever or something in the forefront of my mind that i wanted to like remember to get back to yeah um but like i i you know as you were talking about things that conditioned you and your behaviors when you were growing up i kind of remembered how my family used me to watch my brother all the time, basically like to be his caregiver. So I was always being told to go check on Josh and go see what Josh was doing, you know? Right.
00:23:41
Speaker
And, um, I was basically like thrown or pushed into that role, that I was always worried about what he was doing or like, you know, taking care of him because the adults were too busy or whatever.
00:24:00
Speaker
yeah and it's just, it kind of got ingrained in me like that I was just his caregiver. And then, then I think I kind of lost who I was as a child because I had that job. Yeah.
00:24:17
Speaker
I was raised with a job. Yeah. To do. And like I had to do this job all the time. And so it was like nothing was ever about me and my needs. You know. Yeah.
00:24:28
Speaker
Nobody paid attention to me and asked how I was or what I needed. And it was always like, Christina, go do this. Christina, go do that. You know. Yeah. So that was how I lost, like, besides, you know, the verbal abuse from my stepdad and stuff.
00:24:43
Speaker
I lost my sense of self. Yeah. because of that shit you know so yeah trying to get back to that little badass chick was like it never really was it never really crossed my mind i just would think of that those memories once in a while and kind of marvel at them like who hell was i you know who was that you know yeah um but like seriously It's really weird how hormones change you and like literally going through menopause at not even 50 now. hmm.
00:25:20
Speaker
like yeah i've seen the little tic tocs and memes and things about raging you know middle-aged women raging about stuff and and like it's just a never-ending cycle of rage scream cry sleep repeat or something like that it was like you know that kind of shit and it's like that's how i felt like the other day when i was like having my freak out Over here. um I was crying like the whole fucking day.
00:25:53
Speaker
was crazy. And it's weird. It's weird. But like I do. I definitely have like such a low tolerance for bullshit now. I just don't.
00:26:03
Speaker
I don't tolerate it. Yeah. yeah Nor should you. It's some crazy shit. Indeed. Indeed it is. Yeah. Yeah.
00:26:15
Speaker
I mean... i like Like I have mentioned to you, like I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about like who who I really was as a kid.
00:26:27
Speaker
like the glimpses that I got to have, the the glimpses that I did let out. like Trying to almost catalog things.
00:26:39
Speaker
collect and catalog them in a way. And, you know, the nice thing is for all that I had, you know, spent years and years of my life feeling like I had no sense of self and feeling like I really didn't feel like I had a connection to like my actual identity or my actual interests or anything that.
00:27:02
Speaker
it's cool to me to realize that as I do this work of like excavating my memories to like come to an understanding of who I was then it's, it's nice to feel like I haven't actually changed too much.
00:27:19
Speaker
I just, everything was just kept so internal yeah and so hidden. But like, you know, as I think about it now, like, you know, as a kid, I was so deeply connected to nature.
00:27:33
Speaker
i spent so much time outside. I was really creative. i loved to write. i loved to draw. to draw i loved to make up little stories and little worlds and like, just create these like narratives and,
00:27:54
Speaker
I like I did that all the time. and I'm like, man, I've I still do that. I just don't externalize any of it. Wow. Like, it's so cool. And it's nice. It's like it's it's a little healing, I would say, to to realize that none of it actually went away. It was just hidden.
00:28:15
Speaker
hmm. It's tragic that it had to be hidden. and There grief that has to be like done. or felt about that. But like, you know, it's still, it's always been there.
00:28:30
Speaker
And, you know, it's, it's validating too, to look at my childhood self and all of those things, all of those things about me and be like,
00:28:41
Speaker
I was always going to become a witch. Like, that was always going to happen. yeah Oh, man. i even used to, like, i had this little... I liked Pokemon as a kid, but, like,
00:28:56
Speaker
not in i did not give a shit about the um card cards or the card game i didn't really care too much about the you know show i watched it sometimes but i didn't pay attention that closely yeah but i liked the little characters the little pokemon and i liked like i that was one of the things that i liked to think about like oh like you know, coming up with stories with them. And, you know, even if I didn't write any of it down, like I was just always like running through those in my head. And I had this little plastic figurine of ah a very rare Pokemon called Mew. M-E-W.
00:29:40
Speaker
And it was cute as hell. And it i had the little figurine and I had like an openable Pokeball. Mm-hmm. And i set it up on my dresser and I like put, I like made a little nest inside the Pokeball and set the figurine in there. And I made like a little shrine to Mew on my dresser when I was a kid. It's adorable.
00:30:09
Speaker
I love that. It's so adorable. Oh my God. Do you know what Mew looks like? No. Look her up. Look her up, please. might, but i don't offhand. Um, look her up.
00:30:21
Speaker
How do you spell it? M-E-W? M-E-W, yeah.
00:30:27
Speaker
Mew Pokemon. She's cute. Yeah. She definitely looks like a naked cat. Yeah. With like a weird whip tail. and she was a psychic type.
00:30:39
Speaker
Oh, nice. And I was like, like, and yet another, you know, thing pointing at my witchy propensity. Yeah, dude. I just got poked on the ankle a little witchy type dog down there. oh It's a potato sighting.
00:31:00
Speaker
A potato sighting. I don't know if you, I don't know. Did you Google her Yes. Do you see her height? One foot something.
00:31:12
Speaker
One foot four inches. She's so little. Mm-hmm. That's 16 inches tall. That's so cute. Oh my god. I never expected many any of these poke Pokemon to be very tall. so Some of them are huge. That's the thing. Some of them are enormous, you know?
00:31:35
Speaker
yeah so yeah it's It's funny. But yeah. I've thought about that sometimes been like, me that was like you know In a like a weird way, that was my like first little altar.
00:31:52
Speaker
That is adorable.
00:31:57
Speaker
That's funny. I would have to think about I ever did anything weird like that when I was a kid. you i definitely I remember being over at a friend's house once and ah like this was one of my like unselfaware kid tendencies.
00:32:15
Speaker
Was just sort of like, I don't think I made a habit of this. I think it was just like this one day. but like she had like a bunch of like lotions and like body glimmer, shimmer, potion-y things and stuff. And i like got some of them and like you like was mixing them together into like what I was calling a potion. Mm-hmm.
00:32:41
Speaker
But she got really upset because I like wasted a ton of her like stuff.
00:32:47
Speaker
My mom had to like buy her like replacements and stuff. Oh my God. I felt really bad, but I also like, that was yet another instance of not like, you know, sitting down and teaching me like, Hey, we have to be conscious of like using other people's stuff and was just being like, you're so bad for like just doing that and not even thinking about anything. It's like, yeah.
00:33:10
Speaker
Oh my God. Teach me. Don't just expect me to like, no, and then get mad because don't. didn't know and acted like I didn't know like I don't know until I know and I was young too like I was probably like eight and like there's no way I should have known so you know it was just you know one of those memories man I swear mm-hmm mm-hmm
00:33:44
Speaker
But that was a witchy thing, too. Sure it was. It sure was. That's for sure. here Indeed. yeah ah yeah I had this ah memory would just pop up that is from even younger.
Childhood Incidents
00:34:00
Speaker
and we lived... Like younger than five? yeah right around four like four or five. Gotcha. We lived on base in Hawaii like the year my brother was born. Right. Right.
00:34:14
Speaker
And um i was playing with a friend or something. i don't know. I don't remember exactly the circumstances, but I remember going to my one friend's door, knocking on her door and telling her I was like thirsty or something.
00:34:28
Speaker
Like, I don't know if I just like wanted water or whatever. and she came out with a cup of something and I don't know what it was, but I took a drink of it and it made me vomit. And it was like chemicals or it might or it was alcohol, like booze. I don't know.
00:34:46
Speaker
It was something really, really gross. And it just it made me hurl like immediately. um my God. I don't know what it was. And then I just remember like running away from the house. hide i don't know what she gave me. I have no clue.
00:35:02
Speaker
That's crazy. But it seemed like it was, it could have been bleach. It could have been straight vodka. I have no idea what she gave me. It was nasty. And I just like, fuck. And ran away. And I don't even know if her parents ever figured out that she had done that.
00:35:18
Speaker
I mean, probably not. name You know, and she was probably really young and didn't know any better either and thinking like, oh, this bottle has clear liquid in it. It must be water or something. You know what I mean? like Right.
00:35:30
Speaker
And just poured it into a cup for me. Yeah. That's so weird. Yeah. Crazy crap, dude. God. Not that that has anything to do with like our upbringing, but it's just one of those weird ass memories. Like, what the fuck?
00:35:46
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And like it 1980. Her parents were probably not even fucking home. Yeah, I mean, they might have been like and the mom was probably home because it was on ah bait and military base. So the dads were all probably like deployed or some shit.
00:36:00
Speaker
But not paying attention for sure. Probably not. For sure. Especially if your friend was the one that answered the door. Yeah, I mean, it was daytime and it was all kids out playing and shit. That was just normal.
00:36:15
Speaker
Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Indeed. Crazy.
00:36:25
Speaker
Did we get off topic somehow? was there something we were supposed to be like wrapping up our thoughts on? I don't think we went off topic because... the topic was talking about like who we were as kids and like marveling about it effectively i guess anyway i think if i did anything specific besides therapy or something oh yeah get back to that you know i think i yeah you know answered you pretty well but i don't know yeah i mean like
00:36:56
Speaker
And I talked about it too a little bit about like thinking through my memories of who I was and what I did when I was a kid. Like that, you know, made me like that are helping me like remember who I was and make the connections to who I am now.
00:37:15
Speaker
Yeah. Because it's like, yeah, like it's ah it is a recovery process. like we said, and there is a lot of healing in it. I think it's almost like
00:37:29
Speaker
there's a shamanic technique for trauma healing and like, you know, car like karmic healing, cosmic healing, you know, across lifetimes in general called soul retrieval.
00:37:49
Speaker
Yeah, I've heard of that. And I've, like, generally understood it. I've learned, you know, the gist of it, the, like, process of it.
00:38:01
Speaker
But, like, I'm making a bit of a connection right now to, like, what I've been doing in terms of, like, meditating on, but also just generally thinking, spending time focusing on, ah thinking about who I was as a kid.
00:38:17
Speaker
and like, I think that qualifies as, as like soul retrieval work.
00:38:27
Speaker
Shamanic work, even if it's not like in ritual, but like, it still is. it very well could be because who we are as children was so close to the veil, which is like right after we're born, we are most are, you know, closest to our essence.
00:38:47
Speaker
yeah and it doesn't like soul retrieval doesn't have to only be cross like across lifetimes but like it can be like i think one of the big examples that was given about like instances where it would be useful where like when you've in experiencing big t trauma people often have this feeling of like losing a piece of themselves hu and that is like where soul retrieval comes into play.
00:39:21
Speaker
i And i guess like in this case, I'm using it to heal the little T trauma, the CPTSD, the complex trauma.
00:39:35
Speaker
And yeah. And to like start to fully put myself together again. Yeah.
00:39:44
Speaker
Like Humpty Dumpty. yay oh my goodness funny girl that oh makes me think so much about fucking alice in wonderland what the looking glass humpty dumpty and like nursery rhymes in general okay i used to feel like and when i this is yet another thing about myself as a child like i used to feel like those like nursery rhymes like all existed in like a particular real universe that potentially was through the looking glass um and i was like man i have to be able to get there somehow like it has to be possible i'm just kidding
00:40:31
Speaker
Psychedelics. Like, literally exactly what a fucking... Is it C.S. Lewis? Is it C.S. Lewis? I don't know.
00:40:42
Speaker
Alice in Wonderland was taking some psychedelics, though. Yeah, well, the the author was actually on fucking drugs. Okay. Actually, actually. And I can't remember... I want to say C.S. Lewis. Oh my god.
00:40:56
Speaker
Who wrote Alice in Wonderland? I'm looking it up right now.
00:41:02
Speaker
lewis carroll lewis carroll fucking lewises yeah c.s lewis was maybe he was the narnia guy yeah it's the christian one um but yeah lewis carroll he's the one he took drugs as fuck And that was how we got Alice in Wonderland.
00:41:26
Speaker
Interesting. And the um poem called. ah Fuck.
00:41:39
Speaker
Lewis Carroll wrote it. ah The poem called Jabberwocky. oh Which is like loosely connected to Alice in Wonderland. Like, oh, my God.
00:41:52
Speaker
Yeah, he wrote he wrote all of that. I don't even know what that is. mean, thought that was a Star Wars thing. Jabberwocky? Yeah.
00:42:02
Speaker
Are you thinking of Jar Jar Binks? No, I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking of, but that name sounds like a Star Wars thing to me. According to Wikipedia, Jabberwocky is a nonsense poem written by Lewis Carroll about the killing of a creature called the Jabberwock.
00:42:21
Speaker
It was included in his 1871 novel through the looking glass, the sequel to Alice, Alice's adventures in Wonderland. The book tells of Alice's adventures with within the back to front world of the looking glass world in an early scene in which she first encounters the chess piece characters, white King and white queen.
00:42:39
Speaker
Alice finds a book written in a seemingly unintelligible language realizing she's traveling through an inverted world. She recognizes that the verses on the page are written in mirror writing She holds a mirror to one of the poems and reads the reflected verse of Jabberwocky.
00:42:55
Speaker
She finds the nonsense verse as puzzling as the odd land she has passed into, later revealed as a dreamscape. Jabberwocky is considered one of the great greatest nonsense poems written in English. Its playful, whimsical language has given English nonsense words and neologisms,
00:43:13
Speaker
such as galumphing and chortle. Uh...
00:43:19
Speaker
Um, this is reading that just reminded me that I used to also be obsessed with writing in code and writing backwards. Weird. Like not, well, obsessed with not in like a, like literal way, but in like a hyper fix, the ADHD hyper fixation way, maybe.
00:43:39
Speaker
Um, and just generally having an interest in it and like trying it out. And it was, I think partly because of what I read in Alice through the looking glass. Hmm. yeah god that story had a real big impact on me fuck
00:43:58
Speaker
yeah interesting was i thinking of oh i was talking about the humpty dumpty and the way that like those those little like fairy tale characters and stories felt real to me yeah
00:44:21
Speaker
i yet again gotta be like i think that was a pre uh pre-witch sign yeah yeah of like either or and or like both either or both the like psychedelics The interest in, you know, that kind of shit.
00:44:51
Speaker
And the the kinds of healing and like messages that you can learn through that. And the ability to move between worlds.
00:45:03
Speaker
Ah, yep. Yeah.
00:45:08
Speaker
Interesting. you Yep. It's all coming together. Anyway. Yeah.
00:45:20
Speaker
Have you any more thoughts, Mima? I don't think so for today. Yeah. I feel good about this one. Yeah. Yeah.
00:45:30
Speaker
I think it turned out pretty good. Definitely. is par for the course, like pretty sporadic, pretty all over the place. But like, I like where it went.
00:45:44
Speaker
Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. So are you are you super impressed with your badass mama? Absolutely I am.
00:45:58
Speaker
what a weird kid I was. oh But like it's cool because like i get I can like see myself in that too. o You know?
00:46:09
Speaker
Like no, I've never actually punched anybody in the face before. But like I absolutely would. Fight a bitch.
00:46:22
Speaker
oh no I don't remember you know the specifics about this conversation at all, but like we must have been at our weekly hangout having our drinks.
00:46:33
Speaker
Or it was like bi-weekly on payday kind of thing. we We'd have drinks and stuff, but she basically was like... I wouldn't want to fight you. And I was just huh? She's like, you're you know you're tough. I was like, what? Nobody ever said to me before. like Nobody ever said I look like I could kick some ass.
00:46:55
Speaker
She was just like, I'd never want to get in a fight with you. I'm like, okay. the You've said similar things about me, though. Well, yeah. i mean If I have, I don't remember. but i mean i you Your physique is even like you know you're taller and but you know like more your presence is like i don't know how buff but you when you hug me you have like choked me before like i've just been like
00:47:27
Speaker
wow i wonder like my adam's apple is getting shoved into the back of my neck i was like oh
00:47:36
Speaker
and wonder how much of that is like our height difference and like where my arms are naturally landing to put pressure. Yeah. um Because I like don't I don't feel like that's like.
00:47:50
Speaker
normal
00:47:53
Speaker
but it's like i i guess i would i was just kind of surprised that you weren't aware of where my neck was and how much pressure you were pushing putting on it when we were hugging me and i was just like you gotta stop now like Maybe we need to practice hugging and find the like the the right positioning yeah but so that I can squeeze you without choking you to death. Well, after you told me. I that.
00:48:29
Speaker
have been i've always been an intimidating looking person and i take very specific pride in that
00:48:40
Speaker
Yeah, i actually I actually did used to back when you could tell that I was buff. When I was thinner and you could see my muscles and stuff, you know? I used to take a lot of pride in being strong.
00:48:54
Speaker
Yeah. And i I didn't think that people would think that of me since I've gotten heavier and like you can't see my muscles anymore and stuff, you know? But it's like, there's the thing is that like there's an energy to that.
00:49:08
Speaker
That doesn't have to be like visible muscles and stuff, you know? yeah And we both we both have it. Yeah. The way we ourselves and walk and all that stuff.
00:49:20
Speaker
Yeah. And like I've always, you know, like you, I've always had like ah a lot of natural strength and like musculature-ness. this um That's not a word. But like... know you're saying.
00:49:34
Speaker
I... You know, I had the same thing. Like, I've told you about... Okay, I know I've told you this story. I'm going to tell this story. and And don't think I've told it on the podcast before. So I know you've heard this.
00:49:47
Speaker
But, like, I'm going to tell it anyway. When I went to school at Berkeley and I went through the music production and engineering program, I was, up until the very last semester I was there...
00:50:07
Speaker
exclusively in classes with guys only guys there was no other girls or like ever in any of my production classes or engineering classes me that is wild to me it's i was the only girl accepted the semester i was accepted like i was the only one crazy crazy and
Navigating Male-Dominated Spaces
00:50:29
Speaker
So I was with the same... You mean in the whole school?
00:50:32
Speaker
not In the whole program. Okay, but which is... so the The major. in and and Yeah, so like my other classes had girls in them, but like none of them were in my major.
00:50:42
Speaker
None of them were in my program. So all of my like major specific classes were only guys and it was all the same. it was the same group of guys. Yeah. all Like we were all in the same classes together. And in my first semester...
00:50:59
Speaker
I knew there was a lot riding on me that semester establishing dominance
00:51:08
Speaker
in a sausage fest of ah have a fucking program. And I knew this, but I also was a natural, like already a like a goth girl living alone in Boston.
00:51:23
Speaker
And so I had the aura as the kids say these days. Yeah. But also the literal aura. You had the rizz. I dressed all black all the time. i wore my combat boots all the time.
00:51:38
Speaker
I was channeling Lisbeth Salander from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at all times. And I knew it. i fucking knew I was.
00:51:48
Speaker
It was intentional. And there was this one guy in most of my classes whose name was Nima. If he ever listens to this, what's up, Nima?
00:52:01
Speaker
You probably don't remember this, but I do. It's a core memory. um He was kind of a fucking misogynist.
00:52:12
Speaker
Yeah. and he would make all sorts of like sideways sexist comments. Not about me, but just in general.
00:52:24
Speaker
And he would do them and look directly at me Like, how are you going to react to that? You know? Yeah. And i said nothing.
00:52:36
Speaker
I leaned into the silent wonder reputation that I had cultivated through my entire life. I always was so silent. And I just kept the mean stare, the like scary stare.
00:52:48
Speaker
and never, ever, even though internally i was just like, what the fuck is this dude doing? Like, this he fucking sucks. Like, what the fuck? But like, externally, stoicism complete and one day in class we were all like like the classrooms were very you know not typical classrooms because they were in studios and there was like seats to the go and sit in and ah like comp like a recording console up at the front and so oftentimes we were
00:53:24
Speaker
you know, up and about, like, at the console or in the, like, actual, like, recording, you know, a room, the studio, moving around.
00:53:35
Speaker
we were up in this, on this particular day, like, loosely standing around the console, and he made a comment, I don't remember what the fuck he said, it's not important, he made a comment standing kind of like, don't know, four or five feet to my left.
00:53:53
Speaker
I was standing, arms crossed like you know not in like a pouty way but in just like a like you know big dick energy way um you know and you know paying attention to the class and like generally but he did his whole like stupid comment hu look at molly like What you going to say? What you going to do?
00:54:19
Speaker
And I just stared him down. And he, mind you, fucking like five foot, not five foot, six foot three, this dude, huge and built, like enormous dude.
00:54:32
Speaker
And I just stared him down. And like, I ah held on long enough that he finally just sort of like nervous chuckled and was like, you actually really scare me. And I i just looked at him and was like,
00:54:47
Speaker
good. And then I like ignored him for the rest of the class. And like, this is the thing is like, i knew like I could get away with it. I could pull it off and it worked.
00:55:05
Speaker
And I had the respect of my classmates for the rest of the program. That was the first semester. And for three more years or two more years, I was not one of the dudes. I was better than them.
00:55:17
Speaker
but but And they all knew it. Oh my god, that's amazing. love it so much. Oh my god. yeah So when I say i want to lean into my Aries rising, that's the energy I'm talking about.
00:55:31
Speaker
Yeah. I know I scare you. And I'm glad.
00:55:39
Speaker
Anyway, that's our show, you guys. Yeah. So...
00:55:45
Speaker
ah yeah god You had the the ah little badass baby Christina energy as ah as an adult at Berkeley.
00:55:59
Speaker
You passed it on to me because that was before I even knew you yet. ye like That was ah like over a year before we met. yeah A year and a half, I would say, before we met. Yeah.
00:56:11
Speaker
Yeah, it actually sort of reminds me of when I when i used to go clubbing. Oh, yeah. he I would dress up really like gothy, intimidating, like badass.
00:56:24
Speaker
Fuck yeah. You know, a lot of times I was wearing fishnets and combat boots and cut off jean shorts and whatever t-shirt love it and like yeah and and i danced like i didn't want anyone fucking with me
00:56:43
Speaker
i and there was one guy that kind of had interest in me before and he was just like you're kind of intimidating but to like you might like like i had a wall like i yeah that's how i wasn't in the club and i was like yeah i kind of i kind of didn't like that because there were guys i was interested in there but like yeah i also kind of liked that people were like a little intimidated by me yeah it's a good feeling i wasn't gonna get fucked with yeah but like truly and i actually like i remember having you know mild reservations about being a single woman living alone in a city and like
00:57:19
Speaker
and like especially about like, you know, needing to get on the train super late at night and walk, you know, to and from my apartment, to and from the school, what have you.
00:57:31
Speaker
Exactly. Like there's always danger in that. But I think that this aesthetic that I had curated for myself really protected me.
00:57:43
Speaker
yeah A lot because like i wasn't a clubbing person. I wasn't a dancing person, but like, I moved. I walked like nobody could fuck with me.
00:57:54
Speaker
I walked like if you crossed me wrong, i would literally curb stomp your ass and And I knew it and I embraced it and I think it kept me safe.
00:58:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, you and me are basically the same person. Yeah. Even though it was clubs for me, it's like I'd be walking to my car at 2am alone sometimes from the club.
00:58:18
Speaker
And I'd be like, you know, walking like, you know, don't fuck with me kind shit. Like nobody ever did. Nobody ever tried to like jump me or any of that. I would i would love for us to ah the first word that came to mind was cosplay, but that's not accurate because we're being who we are. for us to like together get dressed up the way that like we feel in that regard.
00:58:47
Speaker
yeah And like just be the scary bitches.
00:58:53
Speaker
Like you mean like out one day or like out one day or like anytime. Like the only time I can really specifically think of that we did that was when we went to Smalls on New Year's Eve.
00:59:08
Speaker
we because we both got dressed up all goth and we're both wearing combat boots i'm pretty sure yeah or doc martin's my i don't oh i might wear my doc boots but yours yeah i remember you like yours were docs but they were steel toed yep so they were got heavy hardcore oh damn and i still have my i still have my platform docs nice i love them i don't my ah My old docs are are still at my ex's house, but they've like they got really old and worn.
00:59:41
Speaker
But I like my my platform docs. Yeah, i hardly wore, i hardly even broke those boots in, but my feet got wider I got heavier. And I just were too uncomfortable to wear. My toes were pushing into the ends and stuff.
00:59:55
Speaker
Oh, that's tough. I gave them away to somebody who also probably could not wear them. But she was like, I'm going to figure out how to wear them. She's like, i'll wear them one way or another. And I was like, okay, I just am not willing to do that.
01:00:07
Speaker
Yeah, fair. I get it. Yeah, it's almost ah Doc Barton season again. going to start wearing mine again soon, I'm sure.
01:00:19
Speaker
Yeah. I'm all about the Birkenstocks these days. My feet are just in bad shape, dude. I gotta wear my Birks all the They are very comfy, for sure. my heel hurts so much.
01:00:30
Speaker
My one heel. And it's like um sometimes i stand up and can't even walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm sorry. So I think I need to go back to my podiatrist.
01:00:41
Speaker
Maybe a good Sucks getting old. Yeah. What if we do that? What if we dress up like that at Anahata's? Oh, hell yeah. It's October.
01:00:53
Speaker
know. Halloween. You got to. Yeah. I've already talked to you about some of my outfit ideas. so Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah. yeah Because I'm teaching.
01:01:03
Speaker
yeah i'm so excited oh my god i'm so excited for you oh my god it's crazy i can't believe it's actually happening ah oh man but it's gonna be badass it's gonna be great and and you should go listeners yeah it's not too late to get tickets truly um yeah like we're we're really not sponsored but like You know, we really do, like, so just simply want to support this, like, event and this, like, community. Yeah.
01:01:39
Speaker
So, like, absolutely fucking go on ahottispurpose.com. Check it out. Check it out. There's so much information on there. Like, arguably what some might consider too much information. Mm-hmm. Because there's just tons and tons of details, especially because they're at new location this year. so like There's a lot of new information to ah put out there for people to be able to know what to expect when they're showing up. um
01:02:10
Speaker
But it's extremely reasonably priced for a four-day retreat. um and the vibes are unmatched. For sure. Yeah.
01:02:21
Speaker
You make some lifelong friendships there. Yes, you do. And I'm teaching and you should come to my class. So... i am so proud of you molly am i really really really am oh i love you love you too thank you i can't wait to see you do your class all right we gotta wrap this up yes all right all right you guys we are out of here soon but we do have
01:02:53
Speaker
socials, kind of. Oh my goodness! We have an Instagram. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's been a while since we've done this. We have an Instagram. Christina, tell them about our Instagram.
01:03:05
Speaker
At SoulPod the podcast. And it is... kind of fucking cool over there when I do post. Oh yeah. I just don't, you know, I go on Instagram and like, ours doesn't really pop up for me when I'm scrolling. So I don't see that much. I also don't post often enough for you to probably see it that often. Oh well, there you go then.
01:03:29
Speaker
But even still, like I'm trying, I'm going I'm going to try continue to get better at that, but it is what it is, but it's over there and you can comment on our posts and you can message us there.
01:03:40
Speaker
And, ah yeah. yeah I think the cool thing that that I like about our Instagram is that you can see pictures of us as we were kids. Yeah. yeah and us And pictures of us together. Yeah.
01:03:55
Speaker
And pictures. Isn't there a picture of me holding you when you was a little BB? There is a picture of you holding me when I was a little BB. A little one day old. Yeah. Yes.
01:04:06
Speaker
Yes. And you will find them if you go look. It's not that hard. They're not that far down.
01:04:14
Speaker
For now. We'll see. You know, as the years go by. um But we also have an email.
01:04:25
Speaker
Whoa. Soulpodpodcast at gmail.com I love your fucking little jingle that you've come up with i do a different one every single time but it's always got the same rhythm them
01:04:41
Speaker
but there is like a natural rhythm to the words so it makes sense um but yeah yeah you can write to us you can tell us your thoughts you can tell us your hopes and dreams and fears and you can send us photos you can send us ah nudes.
01:04:57
Speaker
i Don't say that! If you send us nudes, we'll respond with the screenshot that we have Tommy Lee's dick on Twitter.
01:05:11
Speaker
It's actually a pretty cool picture, but I don't know where to go on that. No!
01:05:20
Speaker
i was looking at it again today check it out dude did you realize that he's in water think i knew he was like in a bath or something like yeah i don't know what he's in like a hot tub or i don't know what because it's like he's up to his knees ish in it but it's hard to notice that part because yeah it kind of looks like a bathtub Or maybe it's like a hot tub or something. That's what I thought. It was like a hot tub. Maybe. Yeah.
01:05:49
Speaker
I opened your messages with my fucking manager over my shoulder. oh. But i didn't have the photo open, but it was, it was like there like this.
01:06:05
Speaker
and man But I don't think she could see me. I don't think she could see my phone. I don't think she was looking. But like as soon as I was just reading the messages that you had sent me because I wasn't able to respond. I was in the middle stuff.
01:06:17
Speaker
But I realized what photo was sitting there above your messages. And I very quickly swiped out of Messenger.
01:06:31
Speaker
Whoops! My god, Tommy Lee's dick is gonna get me in trouble. i Anyway. oh my goodness. We have an email and you can write to us. You should write to us.
01:06:42
Speaker
And we'll write you back. um Yeah. Honestly, if you just want to chat, fucking write to us. We'll write you back. Seriously. um And speaking of chats, we have Patreon, where there's the SoulSquad community chat.
01:06:58
Speaker
And you want to hit them with that Patreon yeah url yeah sure patreon.com slash soulpod the podcast yes bitch oh my god oh so good yeah our patreon is pretty fucking dope and you should if you like our show and you want to support us you should consider going over and subscribing you will not be sorry I love it
01:07:31
Speaker
The pickles are delish. Yes, they are.
01:07:41
Speaker
Fuck. Okay.
01:07:45
Speaker
Sorry. Okay. I'm done. I'm done chuckling about dicks.
01:07:52
Speaker
Just kidding. I'm not, but we're done. We gotta Dicks and pickles. Oh my God. Oh,
01:08:02
Speaker
Oh!
01:08:33
Speaker
Come on, Molly, join me. I was about to raise questions. i was Bitch, listen to me. i was about to raise questions about which hole those pickles were going into.
01:08:44
Speaker
my god!
01:08:53
Speaker
Okay, we're done. We gotta get out of here. we gotta go. Okay, bye!