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54. The Paradox of Control
20 Plays1 month ago
When a trauma-induced need for control starts to warp your life into a shape you can’t tolerate, is it possible to turn things around? In today’s episode we explored this question through the lens of a great quote from E.L. Doctorow and an inspiring TikTok comment section. <3
Stick around til the end for a 5 minute giggle-sesh about our family tree of queer sluts.
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You can also follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast, or email us directly at soulpodthepodcast@gmail.com.
Molly does tarot readings online and locally in Massachusetts: https://www.thehighpriestesscoaching.com/
Christina sells delicious microgreens in the greater Detroit area: https://www.christinasgreens.com/
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Mercury Retrograde and Pickle Flavors
00:00:22
Speaker
What's up? Mercury and retrograde in effect. Got my pop pickle. What flavor is that thing? Lime. It's the best. It's the most summertimey.
00:00:36
Speaker
So we really, really, truly do have just like can complete insanity on all fronts. We have noise on your side, noise on my side. We got internet connection issues that have never once happened and aren't making sense.
00:00:52
Speaker
like Yeah, even though I got full Wi-Fi signal. Yeah, full bars. I mean, admittedly, my internet is a sucky fucking service, and I intend to get switched as soon as possible.
00:01:05
Speaker
I've been saying that for a while, but like I really need to. They're overcharging me for shitty-ass service. so um um Poop on them! But I'm like, it's Mercury Retrograde. That's the reason. it's I mean, it just...
00:01:20
Speaker
It just is. So I've got my retrograde popsicle ah and we're going to try to get this knocked out in, uh, One go and hopefully not have to start a second session and do a rough edit.
00:01:37
Speaker
ah It'll be a wild time. But so for the listener, if there is any wild edits in here, that is why we apologize in advance.
00:01:52
Speaker
Yes. And also just all the background noise you may hear. ah Weird little weird little honky honk. You might hear the regular old bowling, you know, bowling Thursday nights.
00:02:04
Speaker
Bowling above Molly.
00:02:09
Speaker
And we can't do anything about it. just is what it is. Hey, did you happen to catch what I'm eating? Pickles. no Olives?
00:02:20
Speaker
Olives! You nasty bitch. Devil shit pellets. ye Yep.
00:02:32
Speaker
Garlic and jalapeno stuffed. They're the best! Oh my god. oh if ah Well, so you enjoy those. I had my cottage cheese earlier and I'm having this popsicle now.
00:02:46
Speaker
o Yeah. Can you hear that? Yes. You sound disgusting.
00:02:56
Speaker
You're so gross. I suck the juice out of the middle so it doesn't drip on me while I'm nibbling on it. You're so gross.
00:03:06
Speaker
Oh my god. Okay. And also, the chaos front, our topic's bound to be a little bit chaotic.
Life Decisions through Doctorow's Philosophy
00:03:18
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even know what Molly wants to talk about tonight yet. Yeah, I'm i'm dropping it on her like an anvil.
00:03:27
Speaker
So, basically, but came across a TikTok earlier today. And it referenced a quote. um I was actually incorrect. The person who posted the TikTok, she is in yoga teacher training, but it wasn't her instructor that she got this quote from. It was a book that she was reading.
00:03:47
Speaker
Hmm. And I don't know what book it was. She didn't say anything. She just said she read it or came across it or somewhat. But she did reference the person that said it. And it is Edgar Lawrence Doctorow.
00:04:03
Speaker
I don't know if it's Doctorow or Doctorow. But it's like Doctorow. Ow! It's a very Russian last name. oh ah Jesus fucking Christ.
00:04:16
Speaker
um Did the bowling just start? Yeah. so What the hell? It wasn't even occurring when we were doing our like pre-recording chat. Crazy.
00:04:29
Speaker
Anyway. Edgar Lawrence Doctorow. I gotta see how that's spelled. Doctorow. Literally Doctorow.
00:04:39
Speaker
o w Oh my god, that's funny. Yeah, and so I'm like, is it Doctorow? Doctorow? drov if it's Russian, you know, with the V's and the W's and that, whatever. The quote, she said, this this person on TikTok, who I cannot recall off the top of my head, um she said that it completely shifted, like, the way she approaches life.
00:05:07
Speaker
And she mentioned being, like, a burnt-out lawyer. then... then I guess either by seeing this or in the midst of doing yoga teacher teacher training, she saw this, but like she decided to quit her lawyer job and, you know, start training to become a yoga teacher.
00:05:27
Speaker
Wow. And it like, it's just, I'm so like, I'm so susceptible to inspiration stuff like this.
00:05:43
Speaker
Cause I just want, something like that to be able to happen in my life oh yeah but like this quote just sort of made me start to think about how maybe stuff like that could happen okay in my life and so here is what it is from our edgar lawrence dr ow yeah
00:06:08
Speaker
it says you can only see as far as the headlights but you can make the whole journey that way I take that as meaning you don't have to have your whole entire life planned out before you try to execute anything.
00:06:25
Speaker
You just keep going a little bit at a time. Right. As you're, you know, able to see ahead just a little yeah ways, you know, I get, I mean, I get that, but I don't really know how that is powerful.
00:06:41
Speaker
poignant that it could change somebody's life I don't well know if I because I guess I've lived my whole life like that honestly so it kind of just makes sense to me yeah dude look I didn't plan on when I first started becoming a bus driver I wasn't planning on staying there for 30 years I know, but you're burnt out now.
00:07:02
Speaker
I know, but but my whole life has been like a little bit at a time. And when I can see something, you know, in you know in the distance, like I'm just going. Okay.
00:07:15
Speaker
Like I went back to to college, you know, how many years later. I didn't plan out my whole life. Like I didn't plan out like, okay, at first I'm going to go to college and then I'm going to get married and then I'm going have a kid and then I'm going to get a career. I'm like, you know what i'm saying? My whole life I've been winging it.
00:07:32
Speaker
I've been winging it my whole life.
00:07:37
Speaker
and and And that's worked for me so far. And I'm ready to make a career change. So I applied for this other job. We'll see if if it happens.
00:07:50
Speaker
um But even even still, I've only got another year or so left. And... I'm going to wing it. I don't want to keep driving this bus. Right. I'm going to walk away from it and I'm going to do something else.
00:08:02
Speaker
What that other thing is, I do not know right now, but that's the headlights. You know, my headlights are yeah are going a year ahead of me right now. You know what I mean? That's how I view my life. That's how I, I, and when I look back on it, that is, I believe how I have been living my life.
00:08:20
Speaker
So that's why it doesn't feel like super poignant to me. Cause it's like,
Embracing Spontaneity and Side Quests
00:08:25
Speaker
Okay. making me wonder like how much of it is like for myself, it feels poignant because I'm a Virgo.
00:08:32
Speaker
Yeah. And I ah feel incapable of doing anything if I don't have a full view of what's going to happen a lot of the time. That makes sense. um I definitely have had my moments of like being able to be spontaneity is respond to be spontaneity incarnate. I thought you were going to say, I thought you were going to say to be spontaneity or something stupid like that.
00:09:01
Speaker
To be spontaneous. um And, and to have it pay off. um But like, even at those moments like i was in a different place uh like not i'm thinking i guess i'm thinking in in comparison to where i am now you know in those moments i was in a different place where i just sort of felt like god like i might as well just try anything at this point because like how much worse could it get
00:09:33
Speaker
You know? Yeah. But, like, in general, it's just very, very hard. And, you know, in using this quote, this, like, metaphor, effectively, you know, the very first thing I thought is, well, unfortunately, i am very used to using the GPS.
00:09:50
Speaker
ah It should be dark outside, and I still know exactly. i can see the whole, like, you know, root. Yeah. So... yeah so Like, i it just, it really, really, it struck home for me. Because it's, like, yet another reminder about how it's possible to trust the universe for one step at a time, rather than, like, needing to trust the universe to have the whole thing figured out at once.
00:10:20
Speaker
Yeah. And... To be honest, like, i was also, like, finding energetic ties to the other TikTok that I brought your attention to the other night. The one where someone was asking about people's, like, whatever side quests people have in their lives.
00:10:40
Speaker
Okay. and the way that, like, people, the way that people use their free will. Mm-hmm. Just like it blew my mind. And I was like, oh my God. I mean, sure. i had something to contribute to that thread, to that comment section.
00:10:58
Speaker
But like I was reading some of the stuff and I was like, my God, you can really just do whatever the fuck you want. make your own adventure yeah choose your own adventure book yeah like one of the top comments was that like somebody like has made a hobby out of like doing research on like two to three cold cases a year in their town yeah solved some of them yeah i thought that was amazing and i was like holy shit and so it's like my brain is like taking
00:11:31
Speaker
the concept of the full uses are full usage of free will and also packaging it up with this thought of like you can only see as far as your headlights and still make the entire journey yeah and i'm like holy shit where could i go with this knowledge literally like yeah where could i go in life right With this, this, ah this equation, not an equation, this combination yeah of ideas.
00:12:09
Speaker
Yeah. and where couldn't I go? Hopefully not to jail. ah yeah
00:12:23
Speaker
I'm trying to be strategic about the muting so you don't have to tell me. You've hit it on accident before, so. Yeah, yeah. But I'm kind of back and forth-ing it right now because of my munching and my sniffling and things.
00:12:36
Speaker
well I've got popsicle noises, so. you know Suck away, Molly. Suck away. Blowjob noises. It doesn't help that it looks like it's the color of frozen semen.
00:12:54
Speaker
Honestly though, if semen tasted like this, I'd be even of a menace than I already am. Oh god. Oh lordy. Oh my god.
00:13:06
Speaker
Anyway, I wasn't trying to change the subject. I just wanted to throw that in there. But yeah, let's keep talking. So yeah, I took a lot of inspiration from those comments, you know? And I even went back today, ah because as I was thinking about it and just sort of like trying to pull my thoughts together, and went back. I wanted to refresh my memory on the comments I had already read and then wanted to read further, because there was tons, thousands, thousands of comments, really. And the comment, so like, okay, the, what was the,
00:13:39
Speaker
like
Exploring Hobbies and Collecting
00:13:40
Speaker
exact phrasing of the question that was asked. It was something to the effect of like, tell me what your side quests are. Do you want me to find it? No, no, it's okay. I don't want to.
00:13:52
Speaker
Okay. Like it doesn't, it's not that important, but it was like, tell me what your side quests are. Like, what are you doing? And the one that I added, cause was like, Oh, I actually do have something to contribute.
00:14:07
Speaker
But it's something that like I never thought much of because it's like... I just... I don't know. It exists, but it's like... Because it only exists in my life, I feel like there is no context for it.
00:14:18
Speaker
um But what I added was that anytime that I go into... Like to browse an antique store, I hunt for vintage thermoses.
00:14:33
Speaker
and buy them but like entirely based upon vibes like I'm not ever looking for a particular design yeah I have certain types of patterns and designs that I like more than others but like you know I'm never looking for anything I don't know the value of any of them I don't know how exactly how old they are like yeah I only know that I see them I like them I want them and they're usually between 10 and 20 dollars and I really want you to take pictures of them for me so that I can see them
00:15:04
Speaker
Because, like, I feel like i I've known that you've done that in the past, but I don't feel like I've, like, seen them to the point of, like, knowing what your collection is now at this point, you know?
00:15:17
Speaker
It's... I haven't gotten new ones in a while. But... So that's my side quest. Right. And it's, like, not a huge side quest. It's not, you know... doesn't have any meaning to any, like, there's no meaning behind it. Right.
00:15:31
Speaker
But I think that's kind of nice. Like, there's that's kind of, honestly, kind of the point. It's more of a hobby than a side quest, person person perchance. but like But, like, it's still something I do intentionally. like Yeah. I mean, I think of a hobby as, like, like ah like ah like a thing that I regularly work on.
00:15:52
Speaker
But, like, when I'm going through antiques, that's, like, just sort of like, you know, I am always going just to see what there is and maybe I'll find something cool.
00:16:03
Speaker
But like, that's the thing that's always in the back of my mind. It's like, it's not even a hobby. I'm not a collector. Yeah, I'm not like, I don't know. Like I said, I don't know the value of any of things, any of them that I've, you know, sure.
00:16:17
Speaker
it doesn't like it so far. that You don't have to have those things be true to be to call it a hobby, but it's still kind of like a hobby. like likes Like shopping in antique stores.
00:16:30
Speaker
ah into I don't consider that to be a hobby either. You don't think so? I just consider it to be like something fun sometimes. I think of hobbies as something that like you work on and like could improve at. There's like the potential to improve at it.
00:16:47
Speaker
okay And like you do it like toward the goal of... like You will do it with a goal, basically. That's what I think of hobbies as being. And that doesn't have to be anybody else's definition of a hobby. That's my definition of a hobby.
00:17:00
Speaker
okay So like any kind of shopping does not fall under that category. ah gotcha. But in particular, just looking for vintage thermoses...
00:17:12
Speaker
is it's just a side quest so it's like once I you know a particularly I think it's the spontaneity of it because I don't even i don't even always look for them every time I've gone through an antique store yeah I just sometimes I'm in like I walk into a store and I'm like I have a hankering yeah gonna I'm determined to find one okay you know okay and then I just do it becomes a hunt for you yeah yeah ah But again, that's like very like minor and inconsequential, especially compared to some of the other things that people were putting in these comments yeah um that were just like banana. Like one person that I've read today, she's like, anytime there's a free certification available, i take the training.
00:18:03
Speaker
That's amazing. that's ah That's a really good idea. That's so fucking cool. and She's just like a stay-at-home So, like, you know how Harvard's offering those free classes online and shit? Yeah.
00:18:14
Speaker
I've been really wanting to to look into that and see what's what's available and like, yeah I want to take advantage of it. I wish that they... So, like, I did enroll in two classes. Okay.
00:18:28
Speaker
The free access only is, is like, limited. Like, it's... You only get it for like two months or something. Oh, so like you can't finish an entire one entire course for free? If want to take your time doing it over like a long, long period of time, like you have to pay.
00:18:45
Speaker
Oh. And you have to pay if you want like ah like c sortt of like a certificate. Okay. Like a paper certificate. Okay. That kind of sucks. But it's not nearly as much as...
00:18:59
Speaker
it costs to enroll in the actual classes at Harvard. Right. It's still cheaper. so I'm like, I would say, I would say that's still worthwhile if you were to pay for them, but it's not like Udemy where you like, you know, enroll in a class where you pay for it or it's free and then you have like lifetime access.
00:19:19
Speaker
It's not like that. Okay. So, but unfortunately that's unfortunately but it is what it is like if you start them with the intention and the goal to be able to get through the whole class in two months or however long i don't know exactly i can't remember okay then it's very attainable but i think it's the kind of thing that you really do have to like dedicate time to yeah you have to set it aside you have to like prioritize it Yeah, well, that makes sense. I mean, they can't give things away for free forever, i guess.
00:19:55
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. But it's like it's still a very good opportunity. It's a very good like yeah resource to have if you want to. So like still worth looking into, but not the kind of thing that you can just take your time forever at.
00:20:12
Speaker
The thing i saw on one of our group, Marco... whatever's was that somebody said they have like a divination course or something i was like holy crap i don't remember i know there was like something to do with astrology yeah and i think there was more to that or there or it was a whole nother one but it was like who tarot and things like that it seemed like i don't know but i want to look and see yeah
00:20:47
Speaker
I, you know what, actually, i am just now thinking of, I'm like, i don't know why it took me until right now to realize this. Me teaching a class at Anahatas is a fucking side quest.
00:21:01
Speaker
Oh, hell yeah, dude. Oh my god, That's one of those instances where I have no idea where that's going to take me. Yeah, your headlights are only shining so far ahead of you.
00:21:11
Speaker
Yeah, they're only shining as far as October. see no not even that far like you don't have an entire course outlined yet right you're still working on it true it no i don't but like i can still see that i'm going to get to october right right right something whether and even if i don't know what it is exactly yet like i mean i have a i have a decent idea like i have ah decent outline and it just needs to be fine-tuned cool maybe you know maybe reorganized but like all the information is still there cool information so far but anyway that being said that's like i just i never i never wanted to ever be a teacher right of any kind ever and i still don't want to be a teacher like right
00:22:09
Speaker
Like it's because of Anahana's being the the way that it is. Yeah. I'm like, I could do that. Yeah. And I should do that.
00:22:20
Speaker
Yeah. I still want to eventually, um want to learn more about transcendental meditation and do a class on that. um But anyhow, I digress.
00:22:33
Speaker
That is definitely a side quest for you. Yeah. Yeah. um Like I said, I have no idea. I've been thinking about it so much. like I've been thinking about both things. the The concept of the side quest and thinking about coming like working on my workshop separately and only just put it together.
00:22:55
Speaker
oh the workshop is a side quest. Yeah. That's fun. but That's great. I love it. i do got to say, i yeah I think this is hilarious because when I read your comment in that tick tock about your thermoses, it reminded me that just a couple of weeks ago or so i went into an antique shop.
00:23:15
Speaker
Um, just because I've been curious about them. Like I haven't been to really any in my area at all. And I've been curious what, you know, what the ones around me are like and what they have and stuff. So there's this one called the conservatory and um,
00:23:32
Speaker
It's more like a flea shop in a way. Like people bring their stuff and they have an area that they set up. Yeah. That's how a lot of the antique stores in my area are.
00:23:44
Speaker
Okay. Okay. I didn't really know that that's how they, how they worked. I figured that people who own the antique stores, like, it could have all the stuff that's in them. The really big ones, like, tend to have stalls for people to, like, their wares.
00:24:01
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So I went into this one and I literally only had about 15 minutes to peruse because I was on the clock and I ah had a little bit of a gap.
00:24:12
Speaker
So I went in there and I started, like, I found this one area that had mugs and like, I love mugs, but like, I'm like determined not to buy myself a mug because I have too many already.
00:24:25
Speaker
But then I was like, Ooh, if I find anything Garfield related, I'm going to buy it because my bestie loves Garfield. And i found a fucking Garfield mug, a, like a vintage one from the eighties or nineties, something like that.
00:24:42
Speaker
And I bought it. Yeah, I bought it for her. um i haven't given it to her yet. But then i kept looking around and I saw a couple things that.
00:24:53
Speaker
OK, so like, let me rewind a second. Back in October last year, when John and the kid were camping and we were it was my birthday weekend.
00:25:04
Speaker
i um I went to that. It's like a bar. in Detroit that's like I used to go there back in the day but like they started hosting this I don't know sip and shop kind of thing where they had people set up like vendors set up with stuff like antiquey stuff do you remember that I went to that i think so yeah who was I don't remember if it was my on my actual birthday or like the day before or something but
00:25:35
Speaker
No, because my actual birthday, never mind. It was the weekend and that weekend was like the 18th or something. but But anyway, I went to that and i had found some like planters because I've been, I've been interested in growing plants in my house, even though I have nowhere to put any of them.
00:25:58
Speaker
Um, I found some planters that I liked and I just decided to get them. And there's two that were like, sort of like a set because they have the same kind of coloring.
00:26:11
Speaker
And then there was one that was different, but they're both, all of them are green. And so one's like a darker green and, the two that are like a set or like a lighter green. So at this conservatory the other day, i started spotting green, like other pottery where that was similar to what I have. And I'm like, I could start collecting this and making sets out of this stuff. Like all these light green, you know, things.
00:26:40
Speaker
Anyhow, that's what I was thinking about when I was looking at these, I was like, Oh, But I could like literally make set out of these like they're they're similar colors and and it would I mean they don't all like match the exact same like style per se but the color was similar and I was like this would these would all look cool in a grouping artistically speaking.
00:27:02
Speaker
So that kind of is in the back of my mind where I was like I kind of want to go back there and buy a couple of those pieces. And and then that's like, when you talked about your thermoses, was like, oh, I kind of have a similar thing right now too with my little green pottery, you know, planter things and stuff.
00:27:19
Speaker
her but Yeah, like...
00:27:23
Speaker
don't know. It's just got me reflected, man. It's got me thinking about like the ways that I could just be doing life
Breaking Routines and Career Fears
00:27:31
Speaker
differently. yeah i think anything that inspires that thought process for you is really good.
00:27:39
Speaker
It's like to break you out of molds that you've kind of found yourself in. Like stagnancy. Grooves, if you will. Ways of thinking. Ruts.
00:27:51
Speaker
What's that? Ruts? Ruts. Ruts. I thought you said what? was What? let's are better What are what? What in the butt? Yeah.
00:28:02
Speaker
Okay. You didn't even hear me. Yeah, I did. And I'm like, okay. Okay. I don't even remember where it came from. That came from like the depths of my like weird memories. Okay.
00:28:18
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Slut and proud. Oh, you are so silly. ah know. Oh, yeah so and it's like you know obviously always like on the forefront of my mind is the dream of busting out of corporate america yeah breaking free making a run for it jailbreak um but also like all the ways in which like
00:28:51
Speaker
all the little ways in which I could just do things differently that have nothing to do with work or career or look, you can see Sorry. i could see you before.
00:29:03
Speaker
you can barely see me. it's so dark. I need a light in front of me so that you can see my face better. i yeah. Anyway, sorry. Sorry. I now lost my train of thought.
00:29:16
Speaker
Shit. My bad.
00:29:22
Speaker
Oh my god. Oh, we're getting corporate, breaking out a corporate. Oh, and like, you know, that's that's such a big thing. And I think that's also part of the problem, or part of the the issue internally for me that like, this quote that we started this episode out on like, really like, just turned it around.
00:29:46
Speaker
or to just sort of like, shifted something for me. Mm-hmm. a career change is still like too big of a thing for me to grasp, like being able to only like see as far as the headlights, but I could do that with anything else in my life in the meantime.
00:30:12
Speaker
And maybe even, you know, it's the case that I need to do that with all the small, smaller like pieces of my life Just so that I can get more comfortable with operating that way.
00:30:29
Speaker
Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. Not be too afraid of the unknowns, you know? Yeah. And not need to feel like I have control over everything.
00:30:42
Speaker
Yeah. Like that's, that's the particularly hard thing. I don't know how much of this is going to end up becoming a separate conversation. or like maybe a whole separate episode sometime yeah but like it's very hard for me to divorce the whole the whole like like my need for control is deeply rooted in my complete lack of it when i was a child it sounds similar to a book that we just finished it's that's very true that's very true but it's like it's very challenging because i'm like like it's it's
00:31:21
Speaker
To be completely out of control or to be even partially out of control feels so dangerous still to me.
00:31:33
Speaker
But... I don't know. I think there's just... I've just got to find a way to release control even while it feels dangerous because of needing to trust the universe that I won't actually be in any danger.
00:31:53
Speaker
yep it's It's very, very rooted in one day at a time, one headlight length at a time. ye Yeah. I always just...
00:32:05
Speaker
Lately, I've thought about it a lot. In particular, pertaining to my job. Like, keep hearkening back to Just sort of like, if I woke up tomorrow and had no job, I would not be immediately starving.
00:32:19
Speaker
Right. I'd have at least one more month I could pay my mortgage. who Yeah. Like, one day at a time. One, you know, moment, even, at a time.
00:32:33
Speaker
and Like I think we talked about in, I think it was the dream episode. Like I, if I suddenly woke up and had no more job, I would be able to do anything with all the time that I'd have.
00:32:54
Speaker
Yeah. All the side quests you want. Yeah. My life would be nothing but side quests. Yeah, dude. but Those are the kind of silly things that, I mean, they're not all silly, but you know what i mean? like That make life worth living.
00:33:10
Speaker
Yeah. You know? You gotta find the joy in in little stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Remember? The awe?
00:33:21
Speaker
The awe. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the wonder. The wonder. Yeah, okay. Yeah. The wonder and the awe. It kind of all ties in, doesn't it? Yeah, and the way and like way we talked about... Actually, I can't even remember.
00:33:37
Speaker
and we did talk about it. We talked about it in our shame episode. Yeah. um yeah That was the way to combat shame, right? Yeah, it's the antidote to shame.
00:33:47
Speaker
and yeah, I think that's like, you know, that factors in because like when... When you feel out of control and you feel like you can't see far and enough ahead, there is a lot of shame tied up in that.
00:34:02
Speaker
Like, societally. Like, you know, it's just like, oh, if you don't know what you're doing, like, you're a mess. Just inherently. If you don't know where you're going, if you don't know, like, what your, you know, five-year plan is, like, if you don't know, if you don't have an idea for, like, what you want in life, like, you are a mess trademarked but on the flip side of that right don't have don't let that be the place where you're feeling shame let that be the place where you find awe and wonder well right exactly yeah that's what i mean yeah like to be able to free yourself from that cage not just the cage of shame but the cage of fear exactly the cage of
00:34:51
Speaker
stagnancy the hanged man in the tarot i keep coming back to the ruts the ruts the hang the hanged man is like loaded as fuck in this context you've been pulling the hanged man a lot lately no oh okay i've not pulled anything for myself lately okay um but it's like you know when i when i come up against life lessons I have in my head, I've been like, this is the hanged man or this is the moon or whatever, you know, like it just comes up. I'm like, yeah, this is, this is the card that would, that would apply to this situation. The hanged man is exactly this. It's like feeling a stagnancy.
00:35:36
Speaker
And sometimes it's a good thing to be in that place. And sometimes it's better to like stay still for a little bit. Hmm. but sometimes more often than not i would say it's it's um toxic or it becomes toxic very quickly there's there's a difference between stagnancy and stillness and it's like stagnancy is when you no longer have control over that like that's so interesting to think about too with the thought of control yeah because like
00:36:09
Speaker
Sometimes in my life, I feel like I have come into a place where I've painted myself into a corner and I have completely lost control while trying so hard to maintain control ah right because I have no way to get out of where I am without like completely upending my whole life, you know?
00:36:30
Speaker
Yeah. And they say that like, you know, that kind of goes along with that phrase or whatever, the thing you fear the most you create because... you're fighting so hard against the thing that you end up causing it or creating it.
00:36:44
Speaker
Yeah. That kind of, yeah. Yeah. it's like, I, my, my craving for control through seeking what has traditionally given a person, an individual stability has now become, it's, it's taking complete control of my life. Yeah.
00:37:06
Speaker
Yeah. Or you want control so bad that you feel like your life is spinning out of control or something, you know, like all those things. yeah I mean, like, that's not necessarily, that's not necessarily, I feel like what's happening for me right now.
00:37:20
Speaker
and just very much like I've given away my control to this entity that provides, but barely, you know, like we were always promised that.
00:37:33
Speaker
We should be able to get good, stable jobs with benefits and live the rest of our lives on the salary. Right. But it comes with a heaping side of misery, misery.
00:37:46
Speaker
And, and also just like encroaching constantly on your autonomy. Yeah. Yeah. Your freedom. Yeah.
00:37:58
Speaker
here Like I was thinking about it, like even, even just today, just thinking about it, like, and this is, don't know if i'm going to keep this in or not, but we'll see. This is on somewhat of a smaller scale, but like I've gotten to a place now where it's like, oh, wow, like I can't even comfortably just shut my computer down at 5 p.m.
00:38:16
Speaker
Like, yes, I get paid for every moment that I'm working past five now, now that I'm no longer on salary, which is a whole other line of bullshit. But like now that I have the ability to get paid for every and for every minute that I am working,
00:38:34
Speaker
it's better and it's, it's, it, it is benefiting me. But at the same time, like I was just realizing like, wow, I don't feel like I have the freedom to just say like, all right, that's it. That's the end of my day without like clearing it with my supervisor first.
00:38:51
Speaker
Yeah. You know? And yeah i went ahead. i was on until like five 20 ish today. I finished up everything that needed to be done before the, you know, before logging off. even though there's more and more and more and more I ah could always do.
00:39:06
Speaker
But like I did that and then I just said nothing to her and I shut my computer down. You did that today? yeah Okay. And I was like, in my head, i was like, why does this feel weird?
00:39:19
Speaker
You know, i before I worked in the position i'm in, I did just do that. Like that's how I operate. Cause I was able to, because I worked alone. Yeah.
00:39:29
Speaker
Like I had no other people to answer to. And you had a set time frame to work. And that was that once that five o'clock rolls around and you were expected to log off and stop working.
00:39:40
Speaker
In a way, in a way, it's weird. That's the weird, that's the thing. That's the thing about corporate America is that there's nothing but gray areas when it comes to the expectation to work past the business hours.
00:39:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. and Whether you're getting paid overtime or not. Like, and and before I ever got paid overtime, I still felt the pressure of needing to be able to finish things, like get things done by a deadline and particularly like on a certain day rather than like, just being like, all right.
00:40:15
Speaker
this will be for tomorrow. Cause like, yeah, there was just too much all the time, but I was not beholden to anybody else. I was not ever waiting to say like, all right, I think I'm done for the day. Blah, blah, blah.
00:40:27
Speaker
Like, you know, now that I have a supervisor who does the same stuff I do, i have gotten too stuck in feeling like I got to kind of not officially clear it with her, but like just sort of make an announcement. Like,
00:40:42
Speaker
you know all right I think that that's it for me now yeah you know but it's like I want to just be able to not say anything yeah and just be done yeah it just is what it is and so like but but even still like whether I'm working overtime or not like that feeling that I've got to like clear it with someone and be like all right I have done everything I can yeah for today and if I try to do more stuff I'm gonna fuck it up and it's gonna be worse because my brain is dying yeah you know and just the fact that I don't feel like I have that freedom anymore yeah like even something as small as that you know yeah it just it I i yeah I've lost control because I because I tried to find control
00:41:37
Speaker
her yeah so
00:41:43
Speaker
I don't know what else to say. Yeah. Okay.
Humor and TikTok Inspirations
00:41:48
Speaker
This might just be.
00:41:52
Speaker
Well, I mean, do you remember hearing about a book called how to piss off men or something like that? And it was written by a guy. It's written by a guy.
00:42:03
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I love him. Oh, how do you know him? I'm just curious. On TikTok. okay. So he's a TikToker. yeah okay i thought that's where you knew him i don't remember i just remember hearing about the book and then i ordered it so i have started it started based on a series he did on tiktok okay okay where he looked like he thought of these things and then he would just occasionally post a tiktok with like a list of like five things okay
00:42:36
Speaker
That's funny. That's how it all started and then he wrote the book. Okay. I don't remember the TikToks, but I remember you know hearing about that book somehow and I ended up ordering it on Amazon and I've had it for a long time. Sorry. Yes, Amazon, the bad word.
00:42:52
Speaker
um Anyhow, my friend messaged me earlier and theres there was a clip from like a Facebook reel or whatever the frick they're called now um of a guy who had the book and like read like two of the pages out of it or whatever. And he was like laughing his ass off because he thought it was so funny.
00:43:15
Speaker
And so she sent me that clip and I was like, I have that book. And she was just like, Oh my God, you have to tell me how it is. So now I feel like I need to start carrying that one with me everywhere.
00:43:28
Speaker
I need to read it. yes. Oh, I love it. Yeah. um I came across like a video that was like oh it was effectively you know giving the same kinds of one-liners, but it had it like a different... like It wasn't like, this is how to piss off men. It was something different.
00:43:52
Speaker
Things I like to say to straight men at parties or something like that. yeah One of the things was one of the things was ah for for someone to say to a straight man at a party, um if you were athletic, what sport would you play?
00:44:12
Speaker
If you were athletic? like Like basically saying you're not. Not making that assumption. That's hilarious. Oh my goodness. I think I just saw that like earlier today or yesterday or something.
00:44:26
Speaker
Oh my goodness. It made me think of... Kyle Pru in his series. I'm going to send you the clip that she sent me. Yay. Good.
00:44:37
Speaker
good Yeah. So you're going to have to, when you come across your favorites in that book, you're going to have to send them to me. Okay. well If you run across his TikToks,
00:44:49
Speaker
Of any kind that, you know. Just look him up. Just look up. Okay. I was going to say just send him to me, but okay. He's chock full of them. yeah That's great.
00:45:00
Speaker
He wrote the book, literally. Yeah, dude. Yeah, he did, dude. Oh my goodness. But yeah. um Now, is he gay? no Okay, so I was to say, like, is there a reason why he's trying to help women piss men off?
00:45:16
Speaker
I don't really get it. I don't get it. why did he write the book because he's self-aware he's just funny okay he's he's capitalizing on his self-awareness i got you that's great but yeah i love that that's good well this has been an interesting episode Yeah, I mean, it's probably going to be some parts we have to snip out, but that's okay. I think we've got a decent amount of content here.
00:45:49
Speaker
yeah hopefully so. I say with a little unsurety. But again, like, you know, just this past week that we recorded, that we that we uploaded an episode, it was...
00:46:05
Speaker
very damn near two hours long. So, you know, we're really the occasional 45 minute episode. You didn't chop that one up and make two episodes out of it? was thinking that's what you were going to do. oh that's right. It was the anger one.
00:46:17
Speaker
Yeah. Got you. My bad. Yeah. No, the Lamas one, we did get a full outtakes episode ah hu ah out of it, which, I mean, it was on the shorter end, but like, you know, 45 minutes is still enough.
00:46:32
Speaker
yeah right yeah um so that's on our patreon which you can check out at patreon.com slash soul pod the podcast thank you molly you're welcome christina i guess i'm just gonna carry this whole show while you like rub your tits weirdly what the fuck you've been over there like folding would you shut up i am not shut the fuck up holy crap oh my god you are such a freak You're going to make people think weird things about me.
00:47:06
Speaker
I'm not doing it I'm not even touching my boobs. You were. touching like behind like time this part back here. Oh my god, there it is. This part back here.
00:47:18
Speaker
I was like back there sc scratching scratching stuff. Oh my Below the pit, but by almost the shoulder blade area. That's where my hand is. Sure.
00:47:33
Speaker
Okay, semen popsicle eating lady. k Christina, where can you find us Instagram?
00:47:45
Speaker
At SoulPodThePodcast. Oh no. Oh my face.
00:47:53
Speaker
oh I see the middle fingers that's not lost on me i didn't do that you're flipping me off I know it no no oh I'm in pain are you laughing that hard that your face hurts really yeah my face is cramping ouch oh my goodness alright and ah they want if they want to write us an email Christina why where can they do that soulpodthepodcast at gmail.com.
00:48:26
Speaker
Give us five stars. Yes. um pay On Patreon. on yeah Give us five stars somewhere. Give us five dollars on Patreon and join the community chat. Yeah, give us five dollars on Patreon and five stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
00:48:47
Speaker
$5 on Patreon will get you into the soul squad. And get you a bumper sticker. get you a bonus episode every month.
00:49:01
Speaker
And if you subscribe to the higher tiers, you get even more of that juicy content. That pickly juicy content. That hot and spicy pickle content.
00:49:14
Speaker
More adventures of the slut Molly. Oh my god. kidding. We don't really talk about that much. But we will. Maybe. Probably. i don't know.
00:49:25
Speaker
Oh my lord. see. Oh my lord. You know what I was thinking about recently that we still haven't published on Patreon? What? When we did that game over Thanksgiving. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
00:49:41
Speaker
the tarot game lesbian what you remember lesbian yeah it's a lesbian game itself isn't the game is just the game is the game is whatever you want it to be but it is it's got it's got that sapphic undertone to it it is called goddess trist oh that's right so that's right i forgot it was forgot it had a name no but So we recorded a whole smut story with Christina and a goddess. And it's not published yet.
00:50:15
Speaker
And it's not published yet. Oh, good. And so if you want some of that hot and spicy content. We're going to have to publish it. No! We recorded it for a reason. I'm going to be so embarrassed. I thought it was so fun.
00:50:32
Speaker
not Not as embarrassed as I would be. Or am. What? Because I'm a slut publicly. Just going to get embarrassed. I'm proud. Oh, Lord.
00:50:45
Speaker
God. I'm such a mess. I'm a hot, hot mess. I was there once. I was a proud slut once. you were we a hot mess once.
00:50:59
Speaker
A hot, messy, proud slut.
00:51:06
Speaker
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I think I might have just peed a little.
00:51:20
Speaker
yeah
00:51:22
Speaker
listen once a proud slut always oh boy we are a family of sluts oh my god oh my god okay listen i gotta i gotta like double whammy of it though how so Because cause my dad's side of the family is sluts too.
00:51:52
Speaker
Well, my dad's side of the family, my dad was gay. so I don't know. So the that introduced the queerness into the slutness. You're the reason I'm a queer slut.
00:52:09
Speaker
Me too. go to be aqua no matter what he No, he was the reason that I am the queer slut. Yes. He was the reason you're the queer slut. You're the reason I'm the queer slut. Love you, dad But I was going to be a slut no matter what. yeah
00:52:28
Speaker
Oh my god. yeah So, after all of this, thank y'all so much for sticking with us. Yeah, hopefully we provided a little food for thought for the people as well.
00:52:43
Speaker
Yeah, that's always the hope. That's always the goal. And depending on what gets kept in this episode, hopefully some laughs.
00:52:53
Speaker
I'm sure quite a few laughs will be kept in. Yes, for sure. but yeah, we're we're extraordinarily grateful that you're here with us. And we're grateful that you keep coming back.
00:53:06
Speaker
Thank you. Truly, we we, from the depths of our souls, feel it with everyone that we see who's like, particularly the ah those ones that pop up, ah you know, that we know, like, oh, yeah, y'all are the the realist. Y'all are the ones who are following us, who are like listening every week.
00:53:30
Speaker
Like, we notice and we're grateful. We feel it for each and every one of y'all. Yep. And we're also grateful that you're not calling cops on us.
00:53:41
Speaker
For any reason at all.
00:53:44
Speaker
Or reporting us for being calling the Looney Bin to come get us, take us away. For being freaky proud sluts. Anyhow.
00:53:58
Speaker
We're grateful for all of it.
00:54:02
Speaker
Good night. That's it for us, you guys. Over and out.
00:54:37
Speaker
I need to, it so it it did fall now. Okay. So I gotta wipe my foot and get it off the floor. Okay, Monica Lewinsky. Thanks.
00:54:50
Speaker
Okay. Oh my god. And I will just say, I will put it on record and it should be obvious if you ever listened to us before, but I am a very proud slut.
00:55:07
Speaker
Oh my god. I thought you were going to say a very proud silly goose.
00:55:14
Speaker
Why are you saying you're a proud slut? Because what does that actually do with- Because it's Monica Lewinsky shit. Oh god. I'm only making fun of your popsicle, you freak.
00:55:28
Speaker
oh She gives heads so good they dicks fall off. Oh.
00:55:34
Speaker
No, no, no, no. oh No, no, no, no.