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58. Humanizing Addiction, with Jim Tripp of Modern/Haunted
18 Plays4 days ago
This week Molly invited her best friend and soul pod member Jim to have a conversation about addiction and its effects on not only the lives of addicts themselves, but also the lives of those who care about them. Please note a CW/TW for extensive discussions of substance abuse, relapse, recovery, trauma, and homelessness.
Please follow Jim’s furniture business, Modern/Haunted: House & Home on TikTok and Instagram: @modernhaunted
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/modernhaunted
We're so grateful you're here! If you like what you’re hearing, you can find more exclusive content by supporting us on Patreon: www.patreon.com/soulpodthepodcast - especially if you want that freeeee exclusive bumper sticker hehehe. We can’t wait to see you over there!
You can also follow us on Instagram: @soulpodthepodcast, or email us directly at soulpodthepodcast@gmail.com.
Molly does tarot readings online and locally in Massachusetts: https://www.thehighpriestesscoaching.com/
Christina sells delicious microgreens in the greater Detroit area: https://www.christinasgreens.com/
Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
Disclaimer: The purpose of this podcast is for entertainment and enjoyment. We are not professionals in any regard. We do not have professional knowledge, training, or education in physical health, mental health, or spiritual matters. Any suggestions or recommendations made during our episodes should be independently researched by the listener before considering implementation, or better yet, listeners should ignore everything we say. We cannot be held responsible or liable for anything we say, or any actions taken by any persons as a result of listening to our podcast episodes. Stay safe, stay informed, stay smart.
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Transcript
Introduction of Jim and Purpose of Discussion
00:00:26
Speaker
Start? We're starting. Are you ready? Yeah. Hello, friends. What's up? but We are back.
00:00:37
Speaker
And today we don't have Christina with us, which is a first. I'm not Christina. This is not Christina. This is one of my best friends, Jim.
00:00:49
Speaker
Hello. I'm Jim. Yes, that's his real name. My name is not Christina. But he's here joining us. Christina had some stuff come up and got really busy. And so, you know, we've always had this contingency in the back of our minds because she's the mom.
00:01:10
Speaker
She's got a lot on her plate. ah So I knew at some point and might need to drag somebody else into the Call in the cavalry.
00:01:22
Speaker
Yeah, call in the cavalry as it were. But i wanted of you to come on the podcast. Like, I had it in mind to to ask you anyway. So it's kind of working out.
00:01:34
Speaker
Yeah, just this is more than a cameo. yeah Yeah, it is. We're kind of, there is an intentionality behind it because I also had the hope and the the intention to um start to talk about some challenging shit, some dark shit, and, you know, bring in friends who are able and willing to talk about those things with me and, you know, k Christina when she's able to be here.
00:02:10
Speaker
and So, you know, we're, it's not going to be an every single week kind of thing, but for the foreseeable future, that's going to be a goal.
00:02:22
Speaker
Depends how much of the future you can foresee. Yeah. Which, you know, it's not, not usually very much. Despite what people think about the tarot.
00:02:34
Speaker
Or calendars. Or calendars. Yeah.
Recording Setup and Jim's Involvement
00:02:38
Speaker
We're also here together in person, So you're going to probably hear a little bit of an audio quality shift from what you're used to, listeners that are listening right now. um But yeah, i asked Jim if he would be willing to join me, not only to fill in while Christina's otherwise occupied, but because of this intention that I have to start talking about
00:03:09
Speaker
challenging things, difficult things, dark things, taboo, taboo things in some senses, um, having the hard conversations as it were. Um, Jim here has quite a story. Hmm.
00:03:26
Speaker
One might say one might, one might, um, he's got, I mean, it's, uh, it's a story in progress still, but it's aren't all of ours.
00:03:40
Speaker
I hope so. For the most part. you're listening. If you're listening.
Jim's Background and Addiction Experience
00:03:46
Speaker
um And it's, yeah, it's interesting because I've never, I've never done this without Christina and I've never done this before in general where I feel like I'm, like, I mean, when we talked about this before we started, i said, I intended to like ask you questions, but it wasn't probably going feel like an interview.
00:04:03
Speaker
And so like, I'm hoping that I don't try to get too like rigid with it. Because there is, you know, I would like there to be a flow.
00:04:14
Speaker
there's There will be a flow got to this. um But yeah, it's an interesting thing. ah Today we're talking about addiction. and And Jim in particular is going to speak to you.
00:04:30
Speaker
He's a local expert. He's going to speak to his own experience with it. myself... myself I've not had nearly the kind of experience he had has had. and you know But I have had you know my own substance abuse moments of life, which I can't even remember how much I really told you about.
00:04:59
Speaker
me yeah like Yeah, you. i mean, I've heard things. Yeah, I think I've probably mentioned I've heard rumblings. Once or twice. Yeah. you know, but it's, it's nowhere near on the scale of what you have dealt with. And i also, I'm not sure that I have an addictive personality.
00:05:19
Speaker
i just know that I had problems that I was solving with chemicals, uh, for a while. And, uh, so that's the extent. And so, you know, like I said, brought in the local experts to join and and talk
Journey from Film to Entrepreneurship
00:05:34
Speaker
about this. Um, but yeah, so like,
00:05:37
Speaker
Let's start with, let how about you introduce yourself and talk a little about yourself and you're like, Oh, I hate that problem. Background. and And then i can explain how we know each other.
00:05:51
Speaker
Oh boy. I'm Jim. I think that sums it up. No, I'm just kidding. Uh, Again, I hate.
00:06:05
Speaker
I'm good at answering questions. I'm bad at giving summaries. So you were, you were born and raised here in Massachusetts. Yeah. To start. Yep. And was here through high school and graduated high school and then yeah went to New York for college film school.
00:06:22
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. That's a background important point thing mention. Yep. For sure. I think so. Yeah. ah uh um and then i was in new york for a bunch of my life until covid so you know yeah from like age 18 until like 32 or 3 or something yeah thereabouts um new york city obviously because upstate sucks i'm just kidding for those three people in upstate listening
00:06:54
Speaker
Um, I have nothing against upstate or Long Island, but honestly, upstate is say it's pretty fucking nice. It can't, yeah, it is. Yeah. But again, I have a thing against New York city. So well, and i'll also upstate is like too big and cold. It is. It's huge. Oh my God. The times I've had to drive all the way across New York state, like, oh my God, it never ended.
00:07:16
Speaker
Um, I was like, get me the fuck out of here, please. Yeah. I looked at a couple of schools. I looked at Syracuse. Oh, I looked at Syracuse. Only thing about that. That was cool. I guess. Well, I mean, if you like sports, that might be something different, but I did not.
00:07:30
Speaker
Um, but the Adams family house is there. Oh, I didn't even know that. That I can't believe that you didn't see that. I can't believe I didn't see that either. That was the coolest part of it. That's the only thing I remember from the tour. I didn't do the tour. I just, you know, considered applying. Oh, well, I love i didn't.
00:07:45
Speaker
I mean, actually, I don't know if i applied, but I don't know if they had classes in the Adam's family house. And I looked at RIT in Rochester, which was a good campus, and that's all I remember. And it snows, and it's Canada, basically.
00:08:00
Speaker
Rochester Institute of Technology? Yeah. would would you have what Would you have studied film there? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, no, that was ah that was a cool... Okay, see, I think of technology, I think of STEM. like stem And not like, and not like art.
00:08:13
Speaker
Yeah. They got a pretty good art thing. I think it's kind of like a, well, fact check me on this, but i think it's sort of like a RISD sort of thing. Gotcha.
00:08:23
Speaker
Which is another, it might've been another place. I i forget. Anyway. Yeah. was between Emerson and SVA at school of visual arts, which is where I went to, which is like the cooler version of NYU Tisch basically.
00:08:37
Speaker
um Yeah. So what else? So you were you you basically worked in the film industry for most of the time you were there, up until just before, or a little while before COVID. Yeah, freelanced.
00:08:52
Speaker
Yeah. and but in Yeah, basically. Met a lot of famous people. Yeah. Yeah. Ben Kingsley. He said, i was family. Yeah. Shouts out. I know.
00:09:02
Speaker
He's listen this and be like, Ooh, yeah, no, just getting Sir Ben Kingsley. We had to call him Sir Ben Kingsley. Um, but yeah, no, at one point me and this other grip, I did grip and electric, which is like, you know, lighting and hardware on film set and me and like during a take, we were filming in the woods for this.
00:09:22
Speaker
thing and it's about bird watching like actually you know in uh like westchester westchester yeah westchester county um but we were like moving a giant like uh anyways it was like eight by eight foot by eight foot thing that we used to block sunlight yeah and like we should not have been moving it during a take that's like the most distracting thing you can do so like afterwards we like went up we're like sorry oh sorry if we were distracting and he's like ah we're all family here and i was like wow i'm then king's like family but love that i didn't
00:09:53
Speaker
like you know he didn't formally adopt you or anything he didn't come over for thanksgiving alas but yeah so yeah no yeah freelance and stuff and then and made and did a lot of like our own you know production video stuff yeah short films and yeah uh web web series and yeah music videos and of our own and then like you know work on a bunch of you know low budget short or low budget feature films and short films and commercials and yeah all sorts of things yeah do you want to plug your youtube and stuff no okay i'll plug my current business but um yeah well i mean yeah you know you do have that and that kind of factors it not totally factors in but it you know plays a part in like um our beginnings too not i mean it wasn't the reason we met but like
00:10:51
Speaker
It's like, you know, a thing that we, I don't know, not bonded over is not the right word, but like we, we hung out a lot in the context of working on your, the projects of your current business.
Promotion of Modern Haunted Business
00:11:03
Speaker
Yes. Am I making sense? Not yet. For to me, you are. Not to the people. no So basically, yeah, I, I, there are between, for a lot of reasons, you know, addiction being part, a slice of the pie chart as to why kind of have backburner film production for the time being. Also, I don't currently live in New York City, which, but mean, you know, not that you have to. Anyway, yeah, no kind of tabled that for the time. We'll see if I return to it one day, possibly. But no, right now, actually since COVID, during COVID, I kind of started my own one-man band business called Modern Haunted House and Home, where I refinish and... Restyle and revamp. Yeah, basically, well, I basically, yeah, furniture and
00:11:49
Speaker
home decor. Some of it's original and a lot of but most of it, if not, you know, 90% of it is probably, you know, flipped, um, with a weird style that isn't for everybody. but I mean, take, take the, uh, name modern hunted literally like that is the style. It like, I honestly, you could not have found a more perfect name. I think. Oh, thanks. A lot of people like actually criticize the name and say like, I like box myself in, I think they're wrong.
00:12:20
Speaker
don't know what else they'd call it. So. Right. But also it's perfect. So, um, get a little bit of modern you get a little bit of haunted and then you do honestly haunted by the way because a lot times people they think i say modern hunted oh it's h-a-u-n-t-e-v am i like am i like sounding well no i mean i've said it before people like modern hunted cool look into it i'm like do not like scary spooky spooky scary skeletons yeah it's it's like yeah it's either like yeah yeah most of them don't get me wrong i think some of the pieces i do are like normal
00:12:53
Speaker
Yeah, but hence the modern part. Well, sure, yeah, but I also tend to overdo the modern part, and some pieces look like they should belong in Pee-wee's Playhouse. And then some belong in the Addams Family House. Yeah, you know and then some are like fucking wacky, crazy banana shit.
00:13:12
Speaker
then some are like, you know, modern country, with modern farmhouse, you know, like, the home and living. You gotta appeal to the basic bitches. that what that's That's where the money is. one way or another. Yeah. um But also the basic witches.
00:13:26
Speaker
And also the ah acidic witches.
00:13:34
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Chemistry joke.
00:13:40
Speaker
Yeah. So... So yeah, that's your that's your current game. So yes, before I forget, and I will do it at probably at the end as well, but follow at Modern Haunted on Facebook and Instagram and TikTok.
00:13:55
Speaker
Yes. Seriously, go follow the TikTok. He's really entertaining. oh Truly that's super entertaining. I we'll see. like So addiction! Everyone I've ever sent your account has been like, this guy is fucking funny. Oh, great. I know.
00:14:10
Speaker
Why do I have like 100 followers? hundred those Well, hopefully we can change that. 107. Here I come. I'm just kidding. Yeah.
00:14:21
Speaker
But yeah, so then how I know you is because I was living here. i mean, I was living here anyway already. And then COVID happened and you came back here from New York.
00:14:34
Speaker
Yes. And we were in neighboring towns. Yes. We found each other online. Yes.
Meeting the Host and Personal Challenges
00:14:38
Speaker
We started hanging out. Yes. And the rest is history. Yes.
00:14:45
Speaker
Bye. That's all. That's all folks. No, like, I mean, that there's like, it's, I mean, that it just is what it is. We like clicked immediately. We became like good friends really fast.
00:14:58
Speaker
And you know, our chemistry was off the charts. And like, I was just like, I and really enjoyed hanging out with you. And so like, you know, in spite of everything,
00:15:09
Speaker
that we will get into. um Like, I was like, this guy is worth keeping around for sure. thats good And that's an understatement really. thanks You're welcome.
00:15:24
Speaker
But like, you know, we met in right in the smack in the middle of the COVID times, quarantine times when I was not quarantining, obviously. because i was trying to meet people. i was That was a weird point of my life too because I had just broken up with my long-term longterm boyfriend and was still living with him because I had nowhere to go Couldn't afford to let move and then everything with COVID was so volatile that I was just scared to move.
00:15:50
Speaker
And, and I had just been living on my own in New York city for 15 years and suddenly had to live with mom and dad again during heavy quarantine. Yeah. So I was like, look at my friends. Yeah. We were both just like, get me outta here.
00:16:04
Speaker
yeah
00:16:07
Speaker
and so, you know, circumstances being what they were, we found each other and then yeah, the rest is history. That was over five years ago. Yeah.
00:16:19
Speaker
Yeah. Crazy. may you May, June, June, 20, May, late May, late maybe we May we met in 2020. Yeah. Because i came back from New York, like the day and everything shut down. My dad yeah down like the 13th or whatever. Yeah. Came, drove down from mass to come pick me up in New York city and Brooklyn drove me back here.
00:16:42
Speaker
had the time due to, I was in like, I was at probably at one of my, well, not my worst. It was a rough patch. I was in a pretty bad spot in terms of my addiction. So I didn't have a cell phone at the time. That was an expense that was beyond my... ah Anyway, um so yeah, that was another basically two months with just mom and dad.
00:17:09
Speaker
just mom and dad. Yeah. Like not even phone contacting right people. Yeah. So yeah, actually it wasn't until two, and I was sober for those two months. Yeah. March until May.
00:17:21
Speaker
Yeah. And, yeah, I, you know, I forget what it was like, you know, just doing chores or whatever, helping out and like if slowly, like somehow we're kind of doing some projects.
00:17:33
Speaker
Yeah. Like, I mean, your website was up and running when I met you. So was ah it was, I remember it. Cause I remember immediately seeing like a bunch of listings and being like, this is bomb.
00:17:43
Speaker
But I remember I wasn't even able to get a cell phone until I, well, I mean, until I could get a cell phone. But once I could pay for a cell phone, I went to target and bought a cell phone at a prepaid plan or whatever.
00:17:56
Speaker
And that almost immediately did I go online. Right. To procure drugs find and procure drugs in this area. And then procure people. And then friends.
00:18:06
Speaker
Yeah. Friends came second. Yeah. Yeah. yeah So. um but So, yeah. So that's how we know each other. yeah And um I guess we're we're obviously, we're talking about addiction today, but it's worth mentioning the reason why you're here right now.
00:18:25
Speaker
Because it's not only that you're here with me to record, but you're staying with me right now. Temporarily. Temporarily. Like, you know, this is an intermediary situation, but like you are staying with me because of where you're at
Introduction to Addiction and Substance Use
00:18:40
Speaker
in your journey. So yeah, so I don't exactly know when, but sometime in the 2016, 2017 era,
00:18:49
Speaker
e someone i don't even know who it was i couldn't tell you their name or whatever but introduced me to crystal meth and that's all folks addiction so no yeah and then i had a you know that wasn't the first thing you'd ever tried though like yeah no no no and it's not like we have to go into all the you know whatever you don't feel like talking about it's fine but like that you know it wasn't like you jumped immediately straight into meth it's good yeah um but yeah you what's weird is i was i mean before that it was alcohol oh well yeah but yeah what's weird is i was like not only was i sober all through high school and my first freshman year of college right but i was like
00:19:39
Speaker
it like almost like, was like kind of like grossed out by people who drank. It was like, i thought I don't know. I remember one time my girlfriend at the time was like, we're at like some like backyard, like whatever. Cookout thing? Thing, yeah. That like her, like dad, her dad's work friends or something.
00:19:54
Speaker
And she was a year older than me, but were both in high school and like, you know, she and her like younger sister kept making making jokes about how they wish they could drink, like have have a Corona or whatever. And I kept being like, Ooh, I don't, that is not attractive to me.
00:20:07
Speaker
which is weird. So I found it like unappealing. and yeah And I happened to make a friend freshman year of college named AJ, who also didn't drink or do anything. And like we just happened happen to find each other and like have fun goofing off around the city you know the first year without touching it. but summer after freshman year um a buddy of mine who i grew up with discovered his dad which knowing his dad who should have should not have been a surprise but his dad smoked weed in his basement office at home and uh you know uh he obviously grabbed some and like like yeah dude let's you know smoke and i you know i
00:20:49
Speaker
he was a couple years younger than me. So I didn't want, and I had just completed my first year of college. So i was like playing it off like, yeah I tried it. don't really like it. Like, and he was like, dude, come on. And I was like, but basically he peer pressure me into it. And then, you know, it was fun.
00:21:05
Speaker
It was funny. You know, like we like actually, you know, we, you know, smoked all summer and wrote and shot a film that, that summer called lens flare about,
00:21:17
Speaker
kids making a movie, which was like, i don't know. Very meta. Yeah, it was super meta. And it was funny. I don't think we ever finished editing it, but we were close, which is, know, whatever. was long. It was, it was you know, yeah school started back up again. Anyway, where are we going with this? Oh, yeah. And then, sort of so sophomore year, my girlfriend, a new girlfriend of mine and then introduced me to alcohol, you know, which, you know, a sophomore in college is pretty normal. Yeah. um You know, it kind of just...
00:21:46
Speaker
you know, and progressed normally, you know, then it was like my college roommate's birthday party at a karaoke bar one, one, you know, some, at some point. And like, he was like, dude, try a bump of Coke. And I was like, okay.
00:22:00
Speaker
Um, you know, but like all this was very social and normal, I think, you know, for the most part. Yeah. It's surprising how normalized Coke is yeah actually. <unk>m I'm like still a little bewildered at it.
00:22:13
Speaker
And it is, especially because like, there's like no difference between Coke and crack other than like some heat and baking soda. Is that not insane? It is very insane. Yeah.
00:22:23
Speaker
yeah Anyway, um, but yeah, uh, you know, and then like I would meet people and like slowly, you know, try this, try that. And you know, and like, I, you know, I would kind of like sample all these different highs and, um,
00:22:39
Speaker
enjoyed most of them, you know, and and was surrounded by good friends for the most of it. So like, you know, people that were like trustworthy and yeah. And you know, there are you know, our time, the times that we were broke and someone like, you want to go buy a bottle of Robitussin? And they'd be like, okay. And then do not drink a bottle of Robitussin. It's very fun high for like 20 minutes.
00:22:58
Speaker
And then you'll just get, and then it's a horrifying, paranoid vomit. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, don't do that. be Good to know. Yeah. um yeah uh but i don't know yeah like and i should have like i i also didn't you know really develop any addiction any i think at that point i was probably getting addicted to inebriation but i wasn't it wasn't to want anyone's substance or anything yeah yeah
00:23:29
Speaker
But so that's what I guess when, you know, someone offered, fortunately, thank God, no one ever like gave me any serious opiates. Right. Or like, I mean, you know, you know, little pills here and there, painkillers and shit.
00:23:42
Speaker
Most of them made me throw up. Um, so thank God, you know, it goes like, that's not a withdrawal. I would enjoy. No, it's not a good one. None of them are, but you know, yeah. Right. But so, I mean, and so all this to say is that when someone once, one day offered me something called quote unquote Tina, which for you, adorable, naive listeners out there is Christina, not different Christina, not, not my mother, Tina, Christina crystal meth is the yeah backwards is the retroactive.
00:24:16
Speaker
Yeah. Um, anyway, so yeah, I just, I thought yeah like Molly, Oh my god, i know, right? Dude, I thought about that a lot, because i used to all it used to drive me crazy when everyone was just like, ah hey, I like the drug, to my name, and I was just like, shut the fuck up.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, Molly and Tina could have started a very different podcast. Oh my god, except we don't do that shit, but you know. I know. But yeah, it would have been fucking weird.
00:24:47
Speaker
Um, I just thought, you know, again, like the drug MDA MA commonly known as Molly. Yeah. Tina was ah something I was just like, not like yeah social about to know about.
00:24:59
Speaker
Right. And like, that's the thing is that the person who introduced it to you, as far as you correct me if I'm wrong, if I'm remembering incorrectly, but the person who introduced it to you literally only called it Tina and did not tell you what it actually was.
00:25:14
Speaker
Oh yeah. It was like, i had like, And do you think it would have made a difference? I wonder. I've wondered that too. Yeah. Um, I was definitely, probably would given you a pause.
00:25:25
Speaker
It, well, I was, it already gave you pause. Like just because I didn't know what it was. And like, I didn't really know the guy who was like offering it. Okay. So I was kind of like, uh, I remember being actually pretty hesitant and probably should have trusted my gut. Probably.
00:25:39
Speaker
Um, you'd think. Um, but like, uh, yeah, I remember, Yeah, so I don't know. I think I definitely had a curiosity for these things at this point, and I definitely didn't have the respect for substances, or like the fear, I guess I should say, yeah that they deserve, or, you know, because at this point they had been harmless fun for, relatively, for me.
00:26:01
Speaker
um But yeah, i will wait and also at this point, I was definitely drinking more than I should, like yeah every night. excessively getting becoming coming in late for work sometimes and yeah excessively it was getting it was yeah it would have been a i you know it would have been a problem if something else did become a problem um yeah but think that was also you know a response to unhappy living situation that i was in which was just like i was living with friends and stuff in new york um but there were things i was getting sick of things and people and i don't know i was definitely drinking to escape
00:26:38
Speaker
zero at night, every night. So anyway, ah yeah, I think it's tough to know, but like i probably i may i may I may have, because it tried but if I had known it was meth.
00:26:52
Speaker
But yeah, no, it was definitely a few, after a couple months of like very infrequent usage. you know My like start was very slow.
00:27:04
Speaker
amp up, ramp up months in between. And like, you know, I didn't know anyone who else who did it. I'd have to like, go back to like this, like friend of a friend and like, you know, track it, track this, you know, how, you know, I would have, i didn't know how to get it, whatever. I didn't even know what it was. so yeah when it was finally revealed what I've been smoking to me, it had, i i it was kind of like, a well, well, fuck me. like Yeah. I haven't been smoking for so much.
00:27:29
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Great. Well, great. Yeah. Anyway. All right. Yeah. Almost like I get the vibe of just sort of like, oh well, I'm here now. Yeah. Yeah. Right.
00:27:40
Speaker
So yeah. At that point I was like, yeah, right. Exactly. That might might that might as well happen. All right. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take it on there. But yeah. And then, you know, it was like,
00:27:51
Speaker
Oh, well, I was also living at this time. Between that situation with living with friends, I briefly lived with another ex-girlfriend and, insanely, all of her college friends somehow, which was never going to be a good situation. The first time you're going to move in with a girl, should never be with her proud best friends. Right, it should probably be just her. Right, yeah. Anytime we fought, was hilariously outnumbered.
00:28:15
Speaker
yeah oh my god so yeah so and that would ah also like you know would lead and of course there were those fights would be alcohol fueled yeah and then i like they would and then they would come to her defense or like whatever and then i would storm out of there you know and then i would use that as an excuse to go you yeah and like you know stay out for like a night or two yeah because like fuck you you know yeah so that and that caused a pretty quick Even though she didn't know why, you know, what exactly was happening on my end, our relationship was... Yeah, it sort of fell apart.
00:28:52
Speaker
Yeah. So I moved out of that apartment and into another apartment in Queens. And there were other roommates, but I essentially lived by myself. You know, we passed each other in the halls and said hi.
00:29:02
Speaker
and that's where like like i became an addict addict that's where like i of meth addicts, like truly. Like that's when I started like being able to buy and use on my own and buying bongs that I noticed other people, you know, different methods of smoking and whatever that I saw other people doing and like really perfecting it. I got it i was like getting it down to a science now, you know, and using it every night and then going to work and I had gotten a more full-time job at that point, but, um, you know, I was also like, you know, I would do that for three days in a row and then like fall asleep. I have to be at work at like 11 and fall asleep at like 9 45 AM, you know? what
00:29:38
Speaker
Right. And like, wake up at like 3 PM. Mm-hmm. And yeah, I'm amazed that they kept me on for a while. There was like just a handful of those throughout my like two year tenure there that like, I'm amazed that they like were forgave, you know? Yeah. And yeah, so that was kind of like how it all started. And then throw in, once I started using regularly, throw in a couple very toxic relationships that like came and went and stirred the pot and was off. Fueled the,
00:30:09
Speaker
addiction to you a little bit yeah that was a good time that was off off to the races yeah as it were so it was you know a string of years of just that and that and that more of the same yeah i mean yeah i i didn't really consider myself to have an addictive personality until until you did until i was addicted you know right and also like how else would you have known Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I mean, I guess if you like, like, they can, that is a thing that can be determined like genetically, but like, yeah, if your parents weren't aware of it for themselves, like how would you know to, to be cautious about it? Right. So true. Yeah. i mean, oh, and also, yeah, i don't have, I came from, i can't say I didn't come from, um you know, fortunate enough to come from a very caring, loving, loving,
00:30:59
Speaker
yeah loving environment but it's like a very like i would consider your family to be abundantly normal uh yeah grand scheme and i would say that they are perfect parents on paper um all have problems and christina and i have gone and on and on about the problems that we have with our own parents absolutely and i'm like i i will just to say like like i will never ever begrudge somebody need to like bitch about their parents even if they actually do have like a generally good relationship with them just because holy shit do I get it you know so like like I will 100% back you up and say no parents are perfect right ah but like you know they do the best they can absolutely and my parents did a great job yeah and I they're wonderful people and I will say this is neither the topic nor the no platform at the moment but I and and nor am I trying to
00:31:52
Speaker
dodge or avoid any accountability. It's not like we're putting blame on here, but it's like, you know, is how would you have known, you know, if it ran in the family, like,
00:32:02
Speaker
yeah A lot of people I think can are probably able to, you know, maybe they become...
Interplay of ADHD and Addiction
00:32:08
Speaker
could be self-aware about themselves if they saw it yeah in others, you know? yeah Whereas, you know, I think like some people, like, I don't know.
00:32:16
Speaker
I like to think of myself as a fairly self-aware person, but like, you know, this is also in early, mid-20s, early 20s, and like growing up younger than that, like, I don't know if I like fucking eat, like, you know, if I like cookies and eat too many, that's not, first my first thought's not going to be like,
00:32:31
Speaker
oh, I might be an addict, you know? yeah Oh, do I watch too much Power Rangers? I might be an addict. Yeah. like Yeah, because society really doesn't, we you know, we can get into this a little bit if we feel like it, but, like, society doesn't really look at those things as problems.
00:32:50
Speaker
Like, um ah well, actually, cookies might be, because, like, society certainly looks at fat people as problems. And, you know, like, overeating as problems.
00:33:01
Speaker
But, like, you know You know, they'll treat food like an addiction, but they won't treat TV, porn. I mean, they do treat alcohol like an addiction, but it's the socially acceptable one. Not only socially acceptable, but almost encouraged. Glorified. Yeah. Especially in New York City. It's like, if you were to try to meet someone, like, meet a friend after work, and the alcohol's not involved, like, you're not probably going to meet that friend. And holy shit, who the fuck can afford to go out and drink in New York City. Holy shit. man. That's the thing. Oh, my God. remember when I went with my, uh, of my former roommates who lives there now. Mm-hmm. Um...
00:33:39
Speaker
And we we went out for what I thought was supposed to be happy hour. And the margaritas were $14. And she's like, that's a really good price. And I was like, are you fucking with me right now?
00:33:51
Speaker
What the fuck? My first margarita was $4, man. Depends on the neighborhood. but I was appalled. And so after that, i was just like, no, fuck this shit.
00:34:02
Speaker
i would say as was a theyre but you know I was a fan of like the $6 PBR and like well well whiskey shot combo. Oh my god. That was like... He sounded insufferable. I mean, if it was economical.
00:34:16
Speaker
Oh my god. Yeah. Also, i don't know like what you're picturing right now, but I think it's funny that my hipster friends think I'm a bro, but my bro friends think I'm a hipster.
00:34:27
Speaker
Because you're both. I'm neither.
00:34:34
Speaker
Yeah, both and neither at the same time. Is that like a Schrodinger's? Yes, Schrodinger's hipster bro. Yeah.
00:34:44
Speaker
Oh my god. Until you take me out of Brooklyn, you can't see what I am. um Anyway, where are we? stuff and stuff. Yeah, stuff and I think we're in the vicinity of like, what, 2018, 2019? In terms of your your little timeline. Okay. That you had outlined.
00:35:05
Speaker
Alright, so let's let's move this along. We're not in a rush, we're good. Okay. Yeah. Oh, so yeah, I got evicted from the Queen's apartment. That's right. and Due to one of the toxic relationships. and, you know, that's it's- And stuff. Yeah, if that's the easy thing, though.
00:35:20
Speaker
That's like the- Well, she was a problem. She was, like, there was, yeah, there's there were very many underlying issues. Mm-hmm. um But yeah, she was definitely the one that flicked the domino, so to speak.
00:35:34
Speaker
um Yeah, so, and I kind of, this is definitely a a symptom of that high in that lifestyle is like, it kind of vaguely occurred to the me in the back of my head that like, yeah, I can move all my heat stuff into storage, but I didn't have another apartment to move into.
00:35:56
Speaker
You know, and it was kind of like, it wasn't until like, you know, I got that stuff and we were returning the U-Haul and dropped the keys off and it was 9 30 PM and and i was in Long Island city and i was like, Oh,
00:36:11
Speaker
now where do I go? Yeah. And I don't know, you know, I, it was weird. It was, uh, yeah. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I would be homeless if I didn't secure a home. Right.
00:36:25
Speaker
but that is myth. Yeah, that is, that is honestly, that's addiction, but it's also ADHD. Yeah. That's another thing. Like we haven't mentioned it yet on this recording. Yeah. Jim's got the ADHD, just like me and Christina.
00:36:42
Speaker
Um, and you know, that's another thing that is just sort of like an incapability of like planning for the future for the longterm is, is a massive symptom.
00:36:55
Speaker
of ADHD for sure. And what's crazy is I had never been evicted before, but I had moved a lot in New York. You know, I moved from Brooklyn to, or Manhattan to Brooklyn, to Brooklyn, to Brooklyn, to Brooklyn, man to Washington Heights, to Brooklyn, to Queens. So like, you know, but like, I guess I'd always done that not as a tweaker. Right. Yeah. and also the other thing is, well,
00:37:18
Speaker
so yeah i mean and also the other thing is well My parents always wondered, because I did have a lot of energy when I was a kid, and my mom kind of was like, oh, maybe he has ADHD, which you know wasn't as prevalent or whatever back then.
00:37:33
Speaker
Yeah. Or at least not in the public eye. It was more obvious and looked for young boys. Definitely. I can't even remember. I know it was obscenely late that they started to do studies on like girls and women with ADHD, which is crazy. Right. But like, yeah, it was more, it was like the little boys disease or not disease, but like, which I think it's like little boys are, have energy. Yeah. They're just rambunctious anyway, but like, well, why was never tested was because so my mom would then like look and see me like, you know, read four Animorphs books in a row or whatever. Right. Which also ADHD. Yeah. When you find something you can hyper focus on. Right. Yeah. Goosebumps probably at that level, but, um, but yeah, so like e you, you,
00:38:20
Speaker
lost track of that in the you know mess of everything. well it's also like kind of, yeah, it's also worth pointing out that if you take Adderall, you might be a meth head. No, but kind of, mean, they're extremely, I mean, it is, it's legal meth and it is like the only difference is that you're just not like taking a handful of it and putting it a pipe. You're taking very controlled doses. yeah and Yeah. But for real, it's like, yeah. And it actually is effective.
00:38:48
Speaker
That's the thing. Yeah. that's That's why I bring it up. and i stimulate A stimulant to the ADHD mind obviously can kind of make it calm and make sense. Right. Exactly. ah So part of the reason why like a can of Coke would put me to sleep in college. Yeah.
00:39:00
Speaker
Yeah. So at first, i not and before I even knew what i was doing, I was self-medicating. Right. Right. Yeah. Like, you know, something else I forgot. was I Case in point. Well, we we were touching on your bout with homelessness.
00:39:16
Speaker
Okay. We did get to that point. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I brought this up. Oh, with the ADHD thing? Yeah, I brought that up for... Meth. where Oh, we yeah. Oh, well, and the point that I going to make is that do I think there is a point, too, of also... I think my ADHD got much worse due to due to my usage. she know Yeah. like the the Time blindness, for one.
00:39:36
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And like, just, yeah, just the amounts I was like using, you know, especially back then. So yeah, I was homeless and still using and lost that full-time job because I was fell asleep on the train and didn't have an alarm clock to wake me up.
00:39:51
Speaker
yeah Um, you know, and like shit, like, i you know, I couldn't, you know, I had a storage unit that closed at 8 PM, you know? Yeah. So i was, I did have friends that I could like bounce around, but I also had, you know, from couch to couch, but I also had like, you know,
00:40:06
Speaker
some rough nights but stuff oh oh so i did so i yeah um i got interventioned intervened intervened yeah you got bamboozled oh man yeah yeah i got tricked we just ah we sat down and enjoyed mulaney's baby jay special the other night uh And and sp he did. He summed it up quite nicely. Yeah. i was like I was very late to my intervention. um
00:40:38
Speaker
And like, yeah, my parents like lured me to their hotel room, which I, you know, I thought was just like, they were like, whoa look they I thought they were visiting for the weekend. And they're like, yeah, you might have, we just grab something up here. was like, all right, whatever. Yeah.
00:40:49
Speaker
And actually I was with X. Yeah. At the time with, she was like physically with us. The worst X. The worst one. I don't want to drop a name. Yeah. Call her. nothing yeah never mind um anyway we'll move on but anyway yeah like this like hotel suite door opens and i see like my sister who i thought was living in baltimore and i see my college roommate and i see my childhood best friend and i see my buddies from a couple years ago and i see and i'm like what are you guys all doing oh
00:41:23
Speaker
Oh, cool. Alright, chick is up. Here we go. Yeah. But there wasn't there was a second where I was like, what the hell? Like,
00:41:34
Speaker
Cassidy? Yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that, needless to say, resulted in a trip to the Hab. Yeah. Wait, but it was funny.
00:41:45
Speaker
They had to, like, at first, like, I was sitting there listening to all their, like, speeches, like, which were, like, super emotional, and they were all, like, you know, being, like, saying appealing to me as to like appealing appeasing appealing appealing appealing to yeah yeah i didn't find like i mean their speeches were nice i guess i'm not saying but the speeches weren't appealing yeah they were appealing to my sobriety yeah appealing to your common sense thank you yeah yeah like to what they were hoping was like the gym that they've always known yes that was still in there uh i mean my sister like
00:42:21
Speaker
balling through the her entire thing. I don't even think punctuation was part of her. Yeah. I felt bad for that one. And like, actually the one, and the one thing that like spoke or the one thing that some, one person said there, Matt, um, who had come up from, he, he, he had my old, like, kind of like drinking, goofing off buddy in Brooklyn from a few years prior. And he had, and now had a wife and daughters down in like Philly area.
00:42:50
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And he had come up for this and in new york to New York. And he said, like, dude, like his wife had her daughter from you previously. And like then he married her.
00:43:04
Speaker
And then they had just, she was now pregnant. Or she had she was pregnant and now had like their um their daughter together. don't know that made sense. It did.
00:43:14
Speaker
Okay. So basically he was like, dude, I had a daughter and you like never even called to say what's up or ask about her or anything. And I like, oh, I did do that.
00:43:26
Speaker
that was i That was me. Yeah. Oops, sorry. Yeah. um Yeah. and So anyway, yeah. So I did go to rehab after that.
00:43:36
Speaker
um They had to like kind of like Well, okay, why bring this Because during all these speeches, i remember looking over at She Who Shall Not Be Named. yeah And she kind of gave me this like kind of teary-eyed, reassuring, half-smile nod.
00:43:52
Speaker
She's like, yeah, you got to do this, dude. And was like... So was she in it? Did she live? No, she wasn't. Oh, so she was just playing along. Well, that's the thing. it like I was like, before I say yes, can I smoke a cigarette? And they're yeah, okay. So I go downstairs, and she comes downstairs with me outside the hotel, and I'm smoking a cigarette.
00:44:11
Speaker
And I remember being like, i'll i'll so I'll go. I just, I don't like it being sprung on me. Like, I mean, can I just like, give me a night, give me a night. Like I'll go tomorrow. And she's yeah, i don't think that's unreasonable. And like, it slowly became like her like being like, yeah, like you like, like it kind of like, she was like shifting, you know? And they like,
00:44:27
Speaker
and i think they could sense it so like when i came back up they basically like had to like hurry me out like through these like secret corridors of the hotel like behind like like as if i was like some like vip like you away like as if i thought something like ah assassin like a president with an assassination attempt on him my god yeah yeah to keep me away from her like they basically like like i felt like they like threw like a like a suit jacket over my head and like like you hurry me out these like back like yeah hotel like don't even know yeah and then like into like this back backseat of this car slam the door like And I just rather drove Get the fuck out of here. yeah right. Yeah.
00:45:00
Speaker
um it was crazy. And, yeah. then i would and Then I went, they drove me all the way from New York City to Massachusetts the wrong shore. And I did 30 days in patience up there.
00:45:13
Speaker
Which, yeah, which was that. And then I got out. Yep. And I did a night in a sober house in Yonkers, which they set me up for just one night. Just one night.
00:45:24
Speaker
Yeah, it didn't last longer than that. Yeah. And then it began again. Yeah. Yeah. But instead yeah, yeah. Instead of a month of homelessness, it was like eight months less's at that time.
00:45:37
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, all is to say, smoke crystal meth if you think you can handle it.
00:45:44
Speaker
Bye! Just kidding. Yeah. don't Don't do it ever. They say if you try it once, you're probably addicted. If you do it twice, you're definitely addicted.
00:45:57
Speaker
So stick with your Adderall kids. Yeah. Honestly, look up the street names of things, kids. Oh, I was like, what street? What do you mean?
00:46:08
Speaker
Street names of drugs, kids. Yeah, I know. all i like Get familiar. If I googled Tina Drug... where would my life be? What was alternate, what alternate universes was going on for him?
00:46:21
Speaker
Parallel universe indeed. It's probably, you know, yeah. All right. Yeah. So anyway, um, um, so that was, you know, eight more months and then COVID, right?
Journey to Sobriety
00:46:32
Speaker
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yep. There was like some other epic stories in there, but yeah, covid i was homeless once again when COVID hit that, uh, yeah.
00:46:44
Speaker
You know, a friend of mine down there, had let me stay with her for like most of that winter but I got myself evicted from there too through some other co insane shenanigans on March 1st of 2020. Yep.
00:46:57
Speaker
yep So that was a good two weeks and then i called my dad on a not payphone but like Wi-Fi hu thing and he was like dude was like what's up?
00:47:07
Speaker
He was like yeah so I was, you know, crazy. I was so disconnected at that time. I remember walking by like, dirt like during the day, maybe like March, like 10th or something. And like, they're like, you know, obviously a line out the door of the Trader Joe's.
00:47:23
Speaker
And remember going to the guy, like, like letting people into the door, the employee being like, what was the, what's the line for? What's going on? And he was like, just, you know, everything that's going on with the news. And I was like, huh?
00:47:34
Speaker
You, you'd heard that COVID was like starting to. Yeah. Thing. Right. Cause like, We were hearing rumblings of it from, like, the beginning of the year. Yeah, from January. True. Yeah. But, like, i I didn't have a phone.
00:47:47
Speaker
Right. You know, it was, like, I had, like, at that point, like, two or three friends, you know, that I could, like, trust and, like, would let me stay with occasionally. That was much more my, like, cardboard box era.
00:47:57
Speaker
Which, don't get me wrong, I was awesome at it. I mean, I would find some sweet furniture. or I made, like, a basically in a living room just with, a cardboard, like, roof. The only problem is light. I noticed. Once was like, I was like, I need a fireplace or a candle. Doesn't really work with a fucking cardboard box. And no cell phone.
00:48:17
Speaker
Nope. So, a um, well, I mean, you know, COVID was the shift. You moved back to mass. Yep. That was right. But your, your addiction persisted.
00:48:31
Speaker
Yeah. yeah it's It's worth noting. Like, I mean, it it may be it may be a given or it may, you know, bear pointing out, but I've not known you sober.
00:48:43
Speaker
True. Until... Well, you you have seen me sober. I've seen you, like, in the moment sober. Right, but not... But not, like, in a sobriety mindset, ever. Which I have been sober now, I think, I think I did the math today.
00:49:00
Speaker
It was like, it's like 43 or something days... So tomorrow will be six weeks sobriety. And that is six times it's 42 days. Yeah. 42 days. Yeah. 42 days. Is that what said? Yeah.
00:49:10
Speaker
So you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations. Handshake. Okay. I'm proud of you. Thanks. I got my 42 day handshake. he Um.
00:49:22
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. That's fucking good though. Yeah. Okay. But so yeah. Yeah. But like for that, all that to say, up until now, I've not known you sobrie so in a sobriety mindset. Sobair.
00:49:36
Speaker
Sobair. Stephen Sobair.
00:49:41
Speaker
I've only ever known you in active addiction. Yeah. And you are not different now. But, like, The end. That's my favorite joke. No.
00:49:53
Speaker
Oh my god, no. ah You are still yourself. And I think, I mean, I think that's we've hypothesized about this before. I feel like I've, I feel like I've been able to see who you are through everything in spite of, in spite of the things that addiction, you know, sort of brought to the surface as it were.
00:50:17
Speaker
And, you know, we could probably hypothesize forever about why that is, but, you know, I feel like I'm seeing like a much clearer picture of the entirety of you.
00:50:31
Speaker
now yeah good yeah that's good i mean and yeah i mean it's like you yeah you're you're still the same person fundamentally but you're just more of you i'd like to think that well like i was in like you know i was like using and whatever i you know had times of like you know radio silence or you know selfish choice but at the end but like i would i you know generally i had the same kind of like code of ethics and you know yeah like you were never you were never intentionally a shitty person like you were never trying to be you were you were never trying to be a dick you know well i don't know but it was there was a lot of circumstantial shit that came through that sort of whether it was actively directly related to your addiction or not like
00:51:26
Speaker
you know, or if it was just ADHD running rampant, um, as well. Cause that can really make it hard to, you know, be as present for other people. Yeah.
00:51:37
Speaker
Like, and this is not going to become an analysis of like your faults and shit. Like, yeah this is not what we're trying to do. But like point being like, in spite of it all, like the, I think that's probably why i can say like, I feel like you are pretty much the same,
00:51:54
Speaker
person because I've always known that's who you are and I felt like it wasn't on like those long stretches of time that I wouldn't hear from you i was like well this isn't what he wants this isn't like who he is to just like ignore or ignore people in general like it's just it's just what your life looks like yeah I think yeah yeah I know what you mean yeah I and I think one I think that you i know you know this but it's worth saying that I don't think any addict is intentionally a bad person or no, no, you know, I think that a lot of, I think, you know, there's just a lot of them, all of them, all of us in active addiction are in survival mode.
00:52:36
Speaker
Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually a really good point. The survival mode is like, cause it's, it's survival mode, but it is on to the outside observer. It looks like selfishness.
00:52:50
Speaker
Yeah. Like, it's the same way that, like, when I'm ever in the surviving world, when I'm just, like, just trying to get through a fucking week, you know, with work and all the stress and all my, like, internal anxiety and shit that comes up that makes it really hard for me to function.
00:53:04
Speaker
Like, I ignore people because I fucking can't. And I feel terrible about it. But I'm also just, like, I do not have the bandwidth. Yeah. Other people who wish me a happy birthday I've still not responded to.
00:53:15
Speaker
Yeah. And I feel bad about it. I really do. But, like, it just... put it on Facebook. Thank you to everyone. but like, but like legitimately, like it's, it's not
Impact of Addiction on Relationships
00:53:31
Speaker
selfishness. It's just survival. And I'm glad that you said that.
00:53:34
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you for saying that. um Well, it can also be selfish. It can be a selfishness. And like, you know, when it's, when it's addiction, it's too like entangled. It's, there's no clear like answer yeah about it.
00:53:47
Speaker
But like, you know, it is fundamentally just trying to get through. Yeah. In the way you've been programmed or reprogrammed to think you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and I think it's very easy for people to, I mean, it's people get offended at everything. yeah. It's too easy to take it personally. People take it very, I took it personally all the time. Right. Oh my God. The number of times that I like tore into you because I was like why haven't you talked to me for months yeah you know and I just like I appreciate you like hearing me out in those instances well I mean I didn't really and I didn't really realize I mean I was I should have responded and like I felt like I um don't know this this you know I have clarity now that didn't then as well so I also was also probably like I you know should have you know and I I should have you know but right
00:54:40
Speaker
it But you probably like still didn't fully like see it. Well, also at the time, i was like not thinking in terms of addict or whatever. i was like I was just being... i was Your life was chaos.
00:54:54
Speaker
well Yeah, and also but also you know like when i'm when you're living in active addiction, you're not thinking of yourself as an addict. Or I guess, I don't know, maybe I just wasn't. But like if someone calls me out on something like that, then i just it doesn't...
00:55:09
Speaker
it's not me being like, well, I'm in survival mode, bro. You know, I'm just kind of like, okay, sorry, shit, you know? Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. But yeah, anyway, so yeah, I just did another 30 days, basically, is like the point that we're getting at. Or did we already cover that?
00:55:25
Speaker
um I mean, we, yeah, we didn't even specify exactly, like, We don't need to go over the road. No. The road to rehab. No. We're, I mean, like, there's no intervention this time. Our, our, it's not the same kind. Yeah. if There was no like traditional intervention.
00:55:42
Speaker
Um, but like our intention is to do this again, talking more about the sobriety journey. um which is 42 days 42 days i'm just saying is new and so yeah so i may not have as much content that's okay like but there's a lot there's there is a lot to talk about with it though because like i mean there's a lot that you're learning there's a lot that i feel like i can discuss with you though that's true like i don't think i would have we've had a lot of conversations since you've been back well yeah like
00:56:17
Speaker
Like a lot of long, deep conversations. sets Since you've been out of rehab.
00:56:25
Speaker
Like since he came. I don't think we even explicitly stated it. The reason he's here right now is because he's staying with me after rehab while he looks for his next step of like of sober living. yeah And so like we've been sort of in each other's spheres for 90% of the time for like the last five days almost.
00:56:50
Speaker
four or five days. Um, which is, can I just say that my like twin trash bag system over there is the most chaotically I've ever lived. so So we gotta do something about that.
00:57:01
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. I'm really sorry. i wish there's not a lot of space here, but you know, I i am so glad that you're here. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Better than the streets.
00:57:12
Speaker
Yeah. Better than the streets. Better than homelessness. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, It's been it's been an interesting interesting time knowing you because I've not known somebody in active addiction and as closely as I know you.
00:57:30
Speaker
Or at least somebody who's like, ah I mean, I've said it before, I think. But my long-term ex that I have broken up with in 2020, he's for sure an alcoholic. But, you know, he wouldn't call himself that.
00:57:47
Speaker
And he's never going to get treatment for it. and you know so that's an altogether different thing than what you were coming from like i mean you you experienced alcoholism yeah but like yeah yeah you know i can't say if i was like on my own living by myself i don't you know and like i can't say i would have sought out recovery right on my own you know necessarily but yeah like circumstances were they were what they were and yeah so i get where he
00:58:18
Speaker
you know I get where he's coming from. Yeah, but at the same time, he's like... don't know. i think I do think that in spite of everything, i think you like knew that it was an unsustainable yeah oh yeah sort like situation. I think he does too. i know I really don't think he does. And this is not me.
00:58:36
Speaker
We're not here trying to like rip on him or course yeah yeah like you know anything like that. But like I am not convinced he... like I mean, he... He's currently in year two of license suspension for doi and has been, know, he lost his appeal case and he, you know, was ordered to take an alcohol education class and he's still fucking drinking.
00:59:05
Speaker
And if he were to do that, would he get his license back? No. When will he get, how can he get his license back? I have no idea. He really hasn't gone into detail. Yeah. And I try not to have too many, like, deep conversations about it because he doesn't go down a road. so What is the class for?
00:59:20
Speaker
It was court ordered. It was court ordered. And so there is nothing in him that is interested in self-improvement or self-awareness. But doesn't he have... Has he taken the class? he He's in it right now. Like, it's a weekly thing.
00:59:34
Speaker
But when we went over there the other day, he was still drinking. And, um... You're not supposed to drink while he's taking this course. It's not that you're so not supposed to. It's that he's not interested in actually, like, changing anything about his behavior.
00:59:47
Speaker
Well, maybe he is drinking his down? It's just that he's not driving. Yeah, right. Because he can't. Right, right. No.
00:59:58
Speaker
Yeah. It's... Nothing is changing. And, like, I mean, I've... I think I've not dived... dove deep into it because of the fact that I feel like it's futile at this point.
01:00:12
Speaker
And, it's also not my responsibility. Yeah. It never was, but you know, when I was with him, and felt like my responsibility to try to talk him down from, you know, ah over emotional, like just, he, he, you know, he really has a problem.
01:00:28
Speaker
It was also affecting you and hurting you. Oh, it was hurting me immensely. And it was, it was like two weeks before he actually got his license suspended that, you know i got I woke up on my birthday to a text from his best friend being like you know from the wedding that they had both just attended, being like, yo, he's got a problem.
01:00:46
Speaker
like This is serious. And I was like, homie, I have been telling you this for years. Why are you just now realizing this has been a problem for so long?
01:01:01
Speaker
I was so mad. I was so mad, but he had gone off the rails, you know, start trying to start fights, like being an asshole, being insulting to a lot of people at this wedding. i don't, nobody said he ruined the wedding, but I feel like if I had been there witnessed it, I would have had that feeling of he's ruining this wedding. Yeah.
01:01:26
Speaker
And That was two weeks before. And he's not changing anything. He's not he's not taking the opportunity to sit and look at how he's affecting me and all of his friends and the way he's affecting his own life.
01:01:39
Speaker
And he's not interested in feeling better about anything. And so, again, this is not me being like, let's compare and contrast between you and him.
01:01:50
Speaker
Like, I'm not trying to do that, but it's just like, you know, he is so deep in that hole. and And he's never, at this point, I'm just, I can't see him coming out of it.
01:02:03
Speaker
And yet where you're at, like you were in um far more destructive substance cycle. And you've you, I mean, again, it's still early days, but like you can see what it was doing to you.
01:02:21
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And you don't, you don't necessarily want that to continue. Right. the But like you said, it's much more destructive. Like it was a much more rock bottom situation. Like he is maintaining his yeah is status quo.
01:02:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Which is, you know, not, especially without like, you know, a very present support system around you is what is going to point out. Right. You know, and also like, that's the challenge too, is that like, you know, there where he was at and has been at, like whatever support system he has had has pointed it out and he's not listening.
01:02:58
Speaker
And so, you know, he just, he, he doesn't want to hear it. And, you know, that's, that's part of the course. I think with addiction is, you know, you're, when you're I say this all the time and I probably have said it on the podcast before, but you you can't know something until you know it.
01:03:19
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Yeah. And once you learn and understand something like in your like fucking soul, then you can't unknow it. Yeah. I don't know like, uh, what was going to say.
01:03:32
Speaker
I mean, like, I know that, uh, you know, I, I feel like there are, and honestly, since ah there's been like one time where I felt a quote unquote, I don't even know why I hate the word craving, but I do. It just creeps me out.
01:03:47
Speaker
Hmm. It feels more accurate for just food and not like substances. Yeah. i don't know. I mean, like, I don't know what it is, but um maybe I don't like it. Make me think of like Craven and that, you know, anyway, it's silly. It's just like a linguistics thing. Neither here nor there. Yeah.
01:04:08
Speaker
yeah But like, you know, cravings and and like literally I, you know, it happened to be lunchtime. So I stood up and went and ate lunch and like, craving spen and that's like you know do learn and what that what was able to demonstrate for me that day um but i can't say that like that was you mean like while you were in rehab yeah yeah yeah okay um but it i don't know i like guess what i'm trying to say is like i feel like i will want to use again but i mean right now i am able to
01:04:44
Speaker
know that that's not gonna help anything. It's not gonna provide, it's it's not gonna do anything good, you know? And all addiction really is, well, no, that's a very oversimplification, but like in what it but like, it's basically an instant gratification meets escapism.
01:05:02
Speaker
And instant gratifications are pointless past that instant. And, and Yeah, I mean, so I guess what there's like to what I'm trying to keep my eyes on, the prize I'm trying to keep my eyes on is just like, you know, being able to like,
01:05:17
Speaker
not just hop from staying with friends for months at a time rent free, you know, and like acting like that's normal and like, you know, just getting back to like making not every time I sell a piece of furniture, have it go towards a bag of drugs. Right.
01:05:31
Speaker
Yeah. Like expand the business and expand life. Yeah.
Pursuit of Stability and Self-Sufficiency
01:05:35
Speaker
Life stuff. Yeah. So like, cause you know, you, I know you personally take issue with the concept of normal.
01:05:44
Speaker
Yeah. And, and so like, I know, i I've always known that that was a little bit of a thing that was going to cause a hiccup in any sobriety journey you would embark on. And so like, you know, I'm grateful that you're able to see the the merits of ah stable life without like feeling like it's just,
01:06:10
Speaker
the pit of, I mean, I'm not saying I feel, I'm not saying I feel that way. I'm just saying like I, what I'm, I'm using normalcy, I guess for lack of better term. Yeah. There, there's not really a better term to use really, but like, I guess like contributing member of society or whatever. I hate all these like, yeah, but like, I, I mean, I like the word stability actually. Yeah. Because you know, it is self-sufficiency. I think is umuff question the the word that I really wanted to use that I had escaped.
01:06:38
Speaker
You know, it's crazy. I'm sorry. We, No, that like, that was really it like the the self-sufficiency. Cause like, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm really grateful that you've had, you know, people that you can, that you could stay with, yeah even though, you know, they weren't always, you know, the most supportive of like a healthier lifestyle.
01:06:55
Speaker
And I never was actively annoyingly trying to take advantage of it. No, like you were, you, you've always been like a helpful person around whoever's house you were staying at and, you know, trying to, you know, contribute in whatever way you could you're doing that now with me, you're helping me out a lot.
01:07:13
Speaker
um And it's, you know, I'm extremely grateful for it. And, you know, but like point being, you know, I'm grateful you had somewhere you didn't have to be homeless. Yeah, I am too.
01:07:24
Speaker
yeah thank you everybody for real honestly for real because it's like things could have been so much worse than they were yeah and it's actually it's you know it's funny it's like i guess it's sort this kind of like ties back into sort of like you know trusting the universe manifestation or whatever but like i remember when i was when i was freelancing sober off, you know, drugs or alcohol or not.
01:07:46
Speaker
I was always there, you know, it was freelancing is not stable and all the time. And there were like, you know, good months and bad months in terms of work and income.
01:07:56
Speaker
So like there were, i remember like, you know, it wouldd be like the 29th or something. And I'd be like i don't know how i'm going to pay rent this month or, you know, what the fuck. And somehow every single time, like a job would pop up at the last minute for like the 31st that was like paying cash that day, you know? yeah And, you know, I just, it would just somehow kept working out.
01:08:18
Speaker
You know, the only time it didn't just went on like it was affected by drug usage. And, and why I bring this up is because I kind of felt the same way when i was in a living situation and i had to find a new one like somehow i would like be staying with a friend who like hired me to refinish his desk which should have taken two weeks you know a month at most you know and i end up staying there from march to november and then all of a sudden i have to move out because they're like yo what is up dude time to go yeah and suddenly i get a call from someone who wants me to refinish furniture in her house and offers me the spirit bedroom while i do so and that suddenly turns into another year, you know, it's like, it's crazy they kept working out, and like, just when I needed some new place, something opened up, but that's also, you know, whether that's manifestation, or like luck, either way, again, it wasn't sustainable, nor was it fair.
01:09:08
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've always, i mean, like, oh, that was not me, but because we're I think I've told you about the fucking Friday night, or Thursday night bowling, or It's not Thursday night, but like every time Christina and I would record.
01:09:22
Speaker
Oh, yeah. And the people upstairs are just like, now's the greatest time to drag the furniture across the floor right in front of, right on top of Molly's head. Where are your neighbors from? I don't know. What's that accent? I really don't know.
01:09:36
Speaker
They're from the Yeah. And they're not, they're not married. Yeah, just, i' you know, I'm always just sort of like, before I assume anything else, but yeah.
01:09:50
Speaker
sustainable like i'm not the kind of person who believes that the universe only gives a limited ah limited quantity of whatever be it luck be it you know reward for your manifestation or whatever like i i i do believe that the universe is limitless and that abundance is limitless and that like whatever you need you can get um And, you know, to that end, though, i i still err on the side of caution and always just sort of feeling like, listen, there is, there's, and especially in your case, a heavy air of unsustainability and like, just sort of feeling like, listen, you might be pushing your luck.
01:10:39
Speaker
And i was like, how about you slow down for a half minute here and like, maybe consider like trying to pull some shit together and like, you know, get, get your shit together and to to put it, you know, bluntly, like just sort of build a nest egg of one one way or another, whether it's money or whatever. yeah And, you know, try to cultivate some stability.
01:11:11
Speaker
And yet like, I think that, yeah, circumstances outside of your control for sure, but also inside of your control when it comes came to usage and addiction kept factoring into the point where you just like could not allow yourself to, um, sit and look at like ways that you can actually like stop and, and actually shift your, your life circumstances and take control. yeah Um, I think we've, we've had conversations about control,
01:11:42
Speaker
before because it's a fucking scary thing.
01:11:48
Speaker
err on the hypervigilant side. We've literally just talked about this an hour ago where I, and I've talked about it on this podcast before, about feeling like I need to have like a chokehold on everything all the time in order to feel like life is going to turn out okay for me because I've never had that feeling of like, oh, I'm going to find you know, I'm going to get a check on the 31st that I, you know, I'm going to be able to pay my next rent or mortgage or like, I've never had anything like that. It's always been just sort of like, holy shit, can I hold it together for long enough that I might actually start to able to build some stability. And you're coming from the other end of it where you've lived like in, in this chaos environment for such a long time and having things still work out for you.
01:12:36
Speaker
And like, you know, I feel like what, is needed maybe for both of us is to find a middle ground. I was until you just saying anytime I say, Oh, anywhere in this condo or this house, you're like, what? Uh oh, what?
01:12:53
Speaker
Like Couldn't find the lighter in my pocket. and
01:13:00
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is you know, I'm also used to you being a little bit of a harbinger of chaos too. So yeah. you know, varying degrees, varying degrees indeed.
01:13:11
Speaker
Um, true. Yeah. But yeah, like, how do you, do you, do agree you agree? Disagree? Yeah, I agree. And I'm going to add on it. and forget what it was though. Um, the middle ground thing. No, that makes sense.
01:13:24
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, oh yeah. Oh, so, well, yeah, i agree. And I think, like, for instance, like, work, you know that was probably ah what a lot of it comes down to is, like, getting regular income and not just relying on, like, random, you know, Facebook marketplace people to finally, like, my very extremely specialized custom furniture and buy it for, like, $125, like, three like,
01:13:49
Speaker
times yeah or you know, right. So like, yeah, I like, I like kind of knew I needed like a job or income or something, but a you know, I was, I also have a suspended license at the moment and have for the past few years and B you know, I had a job I loved and like, because of my addiction, you know, waking up late and missing, you know, sleeping through the thing.
01:14:13
Speaker
Like, I think that, I mean, i don't know. don't think this is going to sound like a, a, a, lack of accountability, but if, uh, I'm not, I don't mean it that way, but like, I think it was sort of a trauma response to like, I was afraid to get a job because I was just, I just knew I was going to fuck it up, um, without that's obviously being unwilling or unable to separate the drug from the equation. Right. Right. You know, makes total sense to me.
01:14:41
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I, I know about trauma and like, it's, it's hard for me to deal with anything that has given me trauma. Mm-hmm. like it's hard for me to consider facing it ever again.
01:14:55
Speaker
and like to, so i absolutely understand what you mean by like that fear of like seeking out, uh, consistent employment.
01:15:07
Speaker
Um, I was going say full time, but that's not necessarily what you're going for yet, but like, um, yeah, regular income, like a with a like a job with a w two um you know, cause of the way that it turned out last time.
01:15:24
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And you know, and if I did, would it have to be within walking or, you know, or whatever, you know, so like it was, it was limited in, and it was limited in, um, like in terms of, uh, not the linguistics was the word I'm looking for.
01:15:40
Speaker
Uh, logistics. That's the word. Yeah. Um, like it had to be like, it had to make sense in terms of logistics, but also I had to make, had to, you know, make sacrifices and like mental adjustments and stuff and all it. I just wasn't like, you know, it was both in and out of my hands, you know, very specific set of, uh, you know, uh, starters had to be aligned. Yeah. There's a, I mean, there's a lot that there is a lot that factors into full-time employment.
01:16:08
Speaker
or you know stable employment in general and your ability to show up for it. Pass
Employment Challenges and Stability
01:16:15
Speaker
drug tests. Pass drug tests. Be able to do the job if you are high or sober. like you know then right so i mean im I'm coming from the standpoint of like if were I to get a job while in active addiction, like yeah you know could I do the job while i was high?
01:16:29
Speaker
Or, you know, when i was working at that rental house in Queens, like, yeah, I could when I was actually able to get there, you know, which was, you know, granted 99% of the time, but you know, still, yeah.
01:16:41
Speaker
And also I would also get, you know, nevermind, maybe that was just ADHD too. It's, I mean, it factors in, it for sure does. I mean, i did some good stuff there and did some very distracting, very distracted stuff there, you know? Yeah.
01:16:54
Speaker
But yeah. Yeah. Definitely. mean, ADHD is, I mean, ADHD is probably part of the reason that I have like the hypervigil and just yeah hypervigilance issues that I have where like, I, you know, am too afraid of not showing up on time for work or, um, you know, not showing up for appointments on time and things like that. So I just like have too many like safeguards in place to like make sure that I actually do get to where I need to go in a timely fashion and like That's just been my way to compensate for it
01:17:27
Speaker
um But like it's yous you have not been able you know to have not built that for myself, I can't imagine how much I would struggle with it now. Well, I mean, yeah. I don't know.
01:17:39
Speaker
I think that's also part of why I have liked having a... I hate having an office job. Fuck it. Fuck corporate America. yeah But I also appreciate deeply the very consistent schedule it does not change right schedule and pay schedule space schedule and pay schedule yeah um absolutely because holy shit i it it really freaked me out to have to like look at a schedule every single week when i worked at retail and oh yeah yeah and uh food service and stuff and just be like oh my god am i working this one day like i don't remember you so um like to to be dealing with that with untreated adhd
01:18:24
Speaker
you know, an untreated active addiction, and to have that trauma.
01:18:32
Speaker
it's It's totally and completely valid to have put it off, or to have just sort been like it's too much to try to consider. Yeah, help us go back and, you know, refinish some furniture sure I found on the side of the road, and hope it sells, you know, maybe.
01:18:51
Speaker
But yeah. Yeah. and And it will, because you do great work. So far they all have, just, you know, some take longer than others. Right. They're not, not every piece is for everybody.
01:19:04
Speaker
Yeah. But there's usually some. Something for somebody. Yeah. Yeah. I'll figure out a better thing. the Slogan. Yeah. yeah Yeah.
01:19:15
Speaker
But in the meantime, you know, hopefully you can find something that'll help you build that stability for yourself. Yeah. And, uh, yeah,
Balancing Chaos and Control
01:19:26
Speaker
I guess that like that stabilizing portion of the journey is what we're going to get into next week, I guess.
01:19:35
Speaker
Um, for us, it'll probably be tomorrow night, but, uh, for y'all listeners, it'll be next week. Okay. Yeah. Thank you for joining me, Jim.
01:19:47
Speaker
Me? Yeah. Thank you. oh thank Thank you for joining me. Thank you listeners for joining us. Thank us. Thank us for joining you. Yeah.
01:19:58
Speaker
You're welcome. Um, but yeah, like this, I think has been a really good conversation. Wide ranging. Wide ranging. Indeed. oh indeed.
01:20:11
Speaker
Um, but if you have questions, comments, concerns, concerns, jokes, nudes.
01:20:22
Speaker
Send them to soulpodthepodcast.gmail.com. Yeah. If you want furniture. If you want furniture, go to at modernhaunted on all socials except for Blue Sky and Twitter. What is that?
01:20:35
Speaker
It's like the new Twitter kind of, I think. it's It's the, I don't know. it It exists. I just know. Modern Haunted should be like Grey Sky. Grey Sky. It's not a thing. Don't worry. perfect.
01:20:46
Speaker
no facebook instagram and tiktok yeah and seriously go follow and check him out check his furniture out buy his furniture if he really wants you although admittedly i don't think we can ship across the ocean or the state we can drive it to you we can drive it if you're in new england yeah yeah i tried to ship a coffee table from mass to maine once i was like three hundred Oh my God. That was a nightmare.
Encouragement and Farewell
01:21:14
Speaker
Oh yeah. You were there.
01:21:15
Speaker
Yeah, i was. told someone else is's really bad Oh my God. But yeah. Um, otherwise, you know, like still go support him. Thank you. i do that Yeah. Do that. And then also go support us, uh, soul pod bitches.
01:21:32
Speaker
Um, I guess I always make Christina do this part, so I'm going to have to do it right now. I already mentioned our email address. We also have Instagram at soulpodthepodcast.
01:21:42
Speaker
And we also have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash soulpodthepodcast. And I try to keep it really consistent because I'm a Virgo. I'm not. No, he's not. He's my Capricorn man.
01:21:54
Speaker
um prefer mermaid goat. Mermaid goat man. Yes. Amazing. Son. Son.
01:22:07
Speaker
So yes, ah check us out on the Instagram, write to us at the Gmail, and support us, support the show. really It really does put money in our pockets in a very real way if you subscribe to our Patreon. So we are eternally grateful to each and everyone who does that.
01:22:26
Speaker
Yeah, and that's basically it. um Hope everyone has a beautiful day and night and backdoor. What? I know I'm older.
01:22:37
Speaker
Alright, love you guys. Bye!