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Mother Guilt: The Silent Struggle We ALL Need to Overcome
33 Plays15 hours ago
In this episode, Krista and Chauntel dive deep into the topic of mother guilt—an issue that all moms face at one point or another. We discuss the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers by society and themselves, and how these pressures can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Through personal anecdotes and shared experiences, we emphasize the importance of giving ourselves grace and recognizing the hard work we put into parenting. We talk about the pressure to be perfect on and offline, the importance of self compassion and the many times we have not gotten it right ourselves. We hope this episode frees you from the guilt you shouldn't be feeling and instead helps you embrace the toughest job on the planet- motherhood.
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Transcript
The Guilt of Motherhood
00:00:10
Speaker
live authentically. I'm your host, Krista Jones, and oh, today we are talking about you moms. If you're a mom, chances are you've felt it. It's that nagging feeling that you should be doing more, being more, giving more.
00:00:24
Speaker
Maybe it's guilt overworking too much or not working enough. Maybe it's guilt over letting your kids have too much screen time or needing a break from them. The truth is that motherhood comes with a ridiculous amount of pressure and most of it, let's be honest, Chantal Schaefer, my assistant extraordinaire, we put it on ourselves.
00:00:45
Speaker
All of it. So today we're going to unpack that guilt. We're going to talk about where it comes from.
Social Media's Impact on Moms
00:00:51
Speaker
And most importantly, we need to figure out how to let it go because the one things that our kids need more than a perfect mom is a happy one.
00:01:03
Speaker
Ouch. That hurts. Welcome Chantelle. Chantelle and I back together again. It's been a while. It has been a while, but this has been in our hearts for a long time and we're like, we need to prepare for this one because there is so much to say about this and every mom at some point in their momhood has kind of felt this, right?
00:01:26
Speaker
i don't know how you couldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Though when you're in it, you feel sometimes I think that you're alone in it and then every mom is perfect and you're the only non-perfect mom that's going through it and you're the only one screwing up and you're the only one not getting right and you're the only one and that is not true.
00:01:43
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And I think social media perpetuates that a lot. And we talked about that. i mean, time after time in the podcast that we're doing here, we're talking about how so many people live this filtered life and it really messes us up mentally to to so look at that because it's not true.
00:02:00
Speaker
Oh yeah. Like I compare myself to the quote unquote Pinterest moms. That's me too. And then I'm like, what
Generational Expectations of Mothers
00:02:06
Speaker
am I doing wrong? Right. Why can't I be that? Well, I'm sort of even like, I can't even make a cupcake. Forget the cupcake that looks like a turkey. Like I can't even make cupcake.
00:02:19
Speaker
do okay with cupcakes i mean it's okay but what i'm saying is when i was in the middle of it like when my kids were younger your kids are younger right you know um there's just there's not a lot of time in the day so my envy was always the moms that had a clean house and the moms that made pinterest things yeah and gifts for the teachers and like all that stuff and i was like i can't even shower what what is happening well yeah it's a It's a real struggle because you're seeing it unfold in other people's lives. And it it's like standing amidst the the mess of your own life. It's that, what is that, that biblical quote? Like, you know, you know remove the log from your own eye before you address the speck in your neighbors. And I'm looking at this speckless house on Pinterest or Facebook and I'm like, wow, there's a lot of logs in here.
00:03:09
Speaker
But you know what i think I think you bring up a good point. And that really is what we should start with. These, um they're unrealistic expectations, right?
Balancing Work and Family
00:03:19
Speaker
it's It's what you see on social media, which I think for us as moms is why it perpetuates so much more anxiety. I mean, our parents, they had no idea what other people were doing in their household unless you were, you know, physically ringing the doorbell and going over for psyched Oh my gosh. I was, I was that kid that was just knocking on the neighbor's door and I'm like, can I come over please?
00:03:40
Speaker
My parents didn't know what happening. No, but the thing is nowadays we, we, we know everything and it's, it's, it's like this comparison trap on social media.
00:03:51
Speaker
So I think it's really good that we're talking about it. And I think it's important if you are listening to us that we are saying to you, it is not always Real.
00:04:02
Speaker
Never. Because most people don't want to be vulnerable on Facebook. They don't want to show you the messy chair. They don't want to show you the messy house. They want to do everything they can to make it look like their lives are perfect. And I say, oh my gosh, how exhausting that must be.
00:04:17
Speaker
Yeah. And the same goes for motherhood. You know, it's like, oh, look at my baby snuggling with me and look at, you know, Timmy who did this at school. Nobody's sharing that. Well, Timmy also bit, you know, Susie at school the day before. And, you know, I yelled at my kids and made them cry last night because who wants to share that?
00:04:35
Speaker
and We're only sharing, you always say the cliff notes, we're only sharing the good, the the beautiful. Mm-hmm. You know, but I think we need, not that we should be sharing that we're screaming at our kids, but we do need to share the mess and and the ugly parts of motherhood.
00:04:49
Speaker
Because it is a lonely feeling, especially those early years, you know, those sleepless nights. And, you know, it's like, oh, look at, you know, Mary is making homemade baby food every day. i can... Barely take a shower. Mary, what are you doing to the rest us?
00:05:06
Speaker
And there's nothing wrong with baby food in a jar, no right? So I think that's that's what it is too, these unrealistic expectations that, you know, ah sometimes ah we we have to let some things go.
00:05:19
Speaker
And so I want to kind of talk with you about all of that. Right. I want to talk
Being Present for Children
00:05:26
Speaker
to you about that not enough mentality. Right. So there's like this working mom versus stay at home mom thing too. I feel like there's this underlying competition, right?
00:05:41
Speaker
Did you stay home at all with the girls or did you work? I went back to work at three months with both of the kids. Yeah. I also went back to work, um you know, because I had to.
00:05:54
Speaker
Yeah, there was no choice. There was no choice. And I feel there's a generational thing in that, too, I noticed with my own mom. Because... My mom did not work. Now we were really, really poor. i mean, when I say poor, we used to eat, I think Chantal, I told you this.
00:06:09
Speaker
Sometimes we would have bread and sour cream with a little bit of sugar on it. Like that was dinner. Like my mom was just trying to get, I don't even really know what the, like bread was the carb. Like I'm not even really sure where the sour cream and sugar came from maybe to make it taste better.
00:06:23
Speaker
But like we were really, really poor, but my mom stayed home. Yeah. So I often feel that my mom is like, you want this better life, living with the Joneses, keeping up with the Joneses.
00:06:35
Speaker
I am a Jones. You would not want to keep up with me. There's nothing fancy there. But I always felt like my mom was like, you don't have to work. You should just stay home and let Christian provide for you. Like,
00:06:46
Speaker
And I, I, it's so hard to tell them. It's not like it used to be. you it needs to be a double income home in so many cases. Like we, we couldn't afford the mortgage on Christian salaries. So you know what I mean? So I feel there's also that guilt.
00:07:01
Speaker
That our parents are like, well, your house should be clean. And I'm like, mom, you were home. Like you didn't do anything else. There weren't social clubs and there wasn't traveling baseball. And there was none of that. You physically were able to stay home with us in and out.
00:07:18
Speaker
And even those moms that are home 24-7. I remember when I had those breaks, I was like, I'm still getting nothing done. My house is still messy. Because you're exhausted. Because you're exhausted.
00:07:29
Speaker
and because kids are really messy. Oh my gosh. I always love the reels or the videos on Facebook where it's like a mom goes through with a vacuum and then a kid comes through and dumps an entire bag of chips on the floor because that's exactly what life is. Yeah.
00:07:42
Speaker
It's a bag of chips. On your floor. When you least expect it. Yep. When you thought you were going into a nice, clean realm of life, right behind you, there's the bag of There it is.
00:07:53
Speaker
So, you know, we deal with that, right? That's a guilt for me as my mom. um And I love my mom. She doesn't know any about her. She just kind of thinks like I should be able to have it all together.
00:08:04
Speaker
And I've always worked multiple jobs, not just one job. Even, you know, when I was at the radio station, i was DJing on the side. I was bartending, like whatever I had to do.
00:08:15
Speaker
I just did. um And this job now that we have, for those that listen and go exhausted sparrows, I don't understand. ah We have a charity here. in the Hudson Valley called Sparrows Nest. And we feed individuals and families that are facing a cancer diagnosis.
00:08:31
Speaker
So the thing about cancer is cancer is always on, like cancer never takes a break. So because of that, we staff members, you know, we really don't necessarily take a break. I mean,
00:08:42
Speaker
You know, I'm not making them work 75 hours a week, but even when they're home, they're thinking of things, you know, ah new ways to do things or a recipient is calling one of us at night and, you know, you take that call. So, you know, we're always on in this crazy busy world because.
00:09:01
Speaker
That's what's expected of us. So it makes momhood even harder. I feel there's even more guilt, especially for a working mom that, you know, doesn't have a choice. She has to work.
00:09:14
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, coming, coming to work at Sparrow's Nest, things have become a bit more flexible. I am able to be at more of my kids stuff, but before being here, you know, I wasn't able to go on the field trips and the, all of the class parties and activities. And it really, it made my kids sad because they would see the same moms.
00:09:33
Speaker
And I know that those moms are stay at home moms and we, we can't afford that. And, That's a hard concept to explain to a child. You know, my kids have been really good but about accepting it, but it doesn't tamp down the guilt that you feel in yourself that you're missing out on these moments because you don't get
Apologizing to Children
00:09:53
Speaker
them back.
00:09:53
Speaker
Sure. And I think as employers too, you know, you need to realize that Letting your employees like take time to go on a field trip or a dental appointment. I'm not saying you as an abuse and I'm not saying it should be something that's two or three times a month, but you know, there are things, you know, flexibility in the workplace is so important because you expect moms to do it all.
00:10:21
Speaker
They do all the appointments. You expect them to clean that, you know, there's so much that's, but but there's, there's as many hours in a day as there is for dads. So how are we going to make this all work? So having employers too, I think that grasp that concept and, you know, let these moms do some things that are really important to their kids.
00:10:41
Speaker
You know, that is important, but if you can't, let's talk about that, right? Because In many instances, moms don't have that luxury and they have to work. You know, i know that there's guilt behind that. The only thing that I can say that I've always tried to teach my kids is that if you let me do this, you know, i need to do this during these 40 hours, I will be the best mom for you when I am home.
00:11:08
Speaker
And that is a hard thing for me too because that requires me to put the phone down. That requires me to be present in a room. That requires me to set boundaries. So I think as moms, that is then what we have such a hard time with because we're not with them during these 40 hours, during our work week.
00:11:27
Speaker
You know, and they can be proud of us that we're providing for the household and we're strong women and we're making a difference in the world. But then it's our off time that we really have to pay attention to.
00:11:40
Speaker
Yeah, but then you're burnt out, you're touched out as a mom, and then you need that five minutes for yourself or you need that day or that lunch or that dinner with just grownups.
00:11:52
Speaker
And then you're guilty or you're feeling guilty that you're sacrificing that time that you should be super mom. So let's talk about that. That that is perfect, right?
00:12:04
Speaker
Because we say that on this podcast all the time. You have to self-care or you can't take care of anybody else. And for me, i was, you know, listen, there's absolutely no excuse.
00:12:16
Speaker
And I've come up with every one of them. And I finally had to start getting up at 5 a.m. It was the only time I had in my day. And I was like, yeah, but you have 5 a.m. Yeah, it means i have to go to bed at nine o'clock at night.
00:12:28
Speaker
I mean, last night, Chantel and I were sharing memes until 11. But, you know, at 5 a.m., I'm like, you've got to get up and you've got to do this. And moms, you have to do that. And you can't feel the guilt. yeah Because at the end of the day,
00:12:43
Speaker
Your kids need to see you also taking time for yourself or they will be a martyr when they grow up, which is exactly what I did because my mom never took time for herself and we all knew it and she said it and we just knew. And we were like, wow, you're super mom. She's like, and I never have time. And I'm all, and then I thought that's the cool thing and I'm supposed to do, but not at all.
00:13:03
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Not at all. Your children need to see that you care about yourself so that you can care about them. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's a heavy burden. Um, not just for yourself, but you know, I try to, my husband and I try to go on dates, you know, periodically.
00:13:19
Speaker
And, you know, in the beginning, my kids were like, well, why can't we come to dinner? And, you know, again, that's one of those tough concepts to explain to a child. But, you know, I said, It was mommy and daddy before it was mommy, daddy, Nora, and Avery.
00:13:32
Speaker
And if we want to stay connected as mommy and daddy, we need that time together. We need to pour into each other. And again, there's the guilt. Yeah.
00:13:43
Speaker
You know, but but if you want to be a good mom, you have to be happy. Yeah. You have to work on your partnership, your marriage, your friendships. You have to work on all the things in your life.
00:13:54
Speaker
Right? Without the distraction of children. I don't mean that i don't mean that in a bad way. But children add a lot of chaos short into your life. So you're right. You have to work on all of these relationships.
00:14:07
Speaker
You have to work on self-care for yourself. you and and And this is something that that they have to see. But also as a mom, you have all of these other right things at play, like second guessing, those decisions of self-care and going out with your husband and then second guessing them and did I handle it
Parenting Styles and Independence
00:14:32
Speaker
right? Should I have said yes to the girls that they could come out with us?
00:14:37
Speaker
ah Am I ruining my kids' childhood because I'm working so much? And, you know, feeling like you have to justify those decisions, especially in social media.
00:14:47
Speaker
Yeah. Like that's a thing too. Yeah, it really is. and I've always, i've I've read about this, this mental load of motherhood. And it's like, we carry everybody else's weight, plus our own.
00:15:02
Speaker
We carry the schedules, we carry the the school stuff, the homework, the cooking, the cleaning, the, you know, and it just weighs on us.
00:15:14
Speaker
All the time. and there's no way to really unload it unless you start delegating, but then you feel you're supposed to be in control of everything. It's the second guessing. Yes.
00:15:25
Speaker
But it's important, right? To make a decision and let it go in and not to let that guilt creep in. You know, I had the kids start when they were like, i don't know, 12 years old doing their own laundry.
00:15:37
Speaker
And I remember a mom saying to me, that's disgusting. And I was like, what? And she was like, why would you do that? That's your job to care for them. And I'm like, they're 12 years old and I'm trying to teach them independence. But then, right, I spiraled and I had to go back and I had to talk to my husband about it. And then I had to see if there were any other moms at the age of 12. And listen, these girls, but it really taught them like, if you decide to to wash, you know,
00:16:04
Speaker
I had them separate and do their own thing once a week, you know, ah showed them how and everything. And they were very proud of that. And then, you know, if they wanted to keep their clothes in the laundry basket until they wore it eight days later and it was wrinkled, that was then also their decision. and then they learned, oh, I don't want to really do that. Like I should take it out before so that it doesn't wrinkle and stuff. But like there was a whole battle over me letting them do the laundry at 12 years old.
00:16:30
Speaker
And I'm saying to you as a mom right now, You know, your kids, you're a good mom. If you're making these decisions to delegate, you don't have to justify that to anyone.
Children and Social Media
00:16:43
Speaker
And you know what? Maybe don't even do what I do. Don't even put it out there to your friends or on social media because you're going to get judged no matter what you do. Oh yeah, you'll be judged if you're the one doing the laundry when your child is 12. You'll be judged if you let your kids do their laundry at 12.
00:16:59
Speaker
There is no perfect way to parent. There is no perfect way to be a mom. You need to do what is right for your family. 100% because everybody's different. Everybody's unique in the way you handle all of these little tiny personalities in your life.
00:17:12
Speaker
It has to be different. And you cannot feel guilty about it. You cannot feel guilty about the decisions that you make. If you're honestly making those decisions with love, you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
00:17:25
Speaker
You shouldn't feel guilty about your nose, right? Your boundaries with your kids because you have to set them. And honestly, i think that is really hard for us as moms too.
00:17:39
Speaker
We're talking about social media. When are you letting your kids on social media? We're talking about phones. When do you let your kid have a phone? And my gosh, the fact that these kids have all of this so young and we're all caving.
00:17:54
Speaker
And I keep saying, I think I made my kids wait till seventh grade. and And honestly, that was too late. when When they all went to middle school Everybody had a phone, I think, but my kids.
00:18:05
Speaker
And I really wanted to wait till high school. yeah And I ended up caving. But my goodness, if we all didn't cave, how much better would our children's mental health be right now?
00:18:19
Speaker
Because I'm telling you, this social media media world has screwed up my kids. So I have a guilt that I even gave them a phone and social media and all of that in seventh grade.
00:18:30
Speaker
So like we need to be able... to logically say yeses and nos that make sense in our world and stick to it, no matter what the social pressure is that's surrounding our kids.
00:18:44
Speaker
100%. it also, not only is that good for your kids' mental health, but it's a good example for your kids. I said no, and that means no, and it will continue to be no until the time is right.
00:18:56
Speaker
You know, if you if you cave into your kids after they ask for the fiftieth or 100th time, they know they can whittle you down. Sure. And I don't, I don't want that. I want my kids to know in every situation for themselves, if they say no, it means no. And that nobody can whittle that down.
00:19:16
Speaker
and And I need to lead that. I know it's tough. yeah It's tough. I've gotten the phone question probably a hundred times. How old are the girls? They are eight and 10. Okay. And, and my, both of them have friends who have phones. Yeah.
00:19:30
Speaker
And I understand the family dynamics of some of those households and why those parents, one hundred percent but I continue to stick to my convictions and I tell the girls what is right for that family is not what is
Modern Motherhood Challenges
00:19:43
Speaker
right for ours. And I have my choices and I'm very open with my kids and I explain the why.
00:19:49
Speaker
You know, I tell them about the mental implications of having social media and phones too early. I point out people we know who are addicted to their phones and social media and how hard it is for them to function. I mean, you're talking 12 and 13 year olds who can't order their own food at a restaurant.
00:20:08
Speaker
I don't want that. and And I tell my kids that I'm open about it. Yeah. Because i need they need to know my reasoning. And I just think for all of you moms that are out there listening, like you have a tough job.
00:20:26
Speaker
More I feel in this generation than ever before. And I'm sure that every mom in her own generation has said it was the toughest job ever. But the battles that you as moms are facing, have never been faced before.
00:20:42
Speaker
And I just want you to hear me through wherever you're listening, that you have got to give yourself some grace. You have got to reframe your thoughts.
00:20:54
Speaker
You have got to realize that you are keeping your head above water and you are doing the best job that you can do. So how do we get you out of guilt?
00:21:05
Speaker
You have to reframe your thoughts, right? You yeah you have to do that. You have to say, i am doing enough. It is okay. yelled at my little Fiona today.
00:21:19
Speaker
i will do better tomorrow. I mean, I, and you know, I just, it's so funny even mentioned Fiona's name. I, my little Fiona, who is 20 almost.
00:21:30
Speaker
Yeah, almost. ah Over the weekend, she was home and she wanted to go to this thing at our church that is for women. And was just like, mom, i want to go. Like we were in church and she said that.
00:21:44
Speaker
And she said, is you know is my friend McKenna going? I said, she is. And my friend had bought, you know, a table for this, this thing that's, that's coming up in church. Right. And it was, it was expensive.
00:21:55
Speaker
So I said, Fiona, don't, don't ask her. Her mom bought a table, but I don't know if there's seats there or not. And like, don't. And she did anyways. And I got so mad at her because,
00:22:06
Speaker
i I was just not nice. And at the end of the day, my kid just wants to be with a group of women at church and I handled it poorly. ah had to go to her that night.
00:22:21
Speaker
I had to swallow my pride and I had to say, mom messed up. I go, I'm really sorry I messed up today. I should not have said it like this. That was wrong of me.
00:22:32
Speaker
And I think sometimes that's just all we have to do. Our kids need to see us mess up because we're not perfect, but our kids need to see us apologize for
Prioritizing Self-Care and Happiness
00:22:41
Speaker
it. And in my house, like, and that's humbling for me to have to, to say that to my kids that I'm wrong and I don't know it all. And, and I've messed up, but that is so important so that my kids don't feel that everything they do is right.
00:22:53
Speaker
And every move they make as a mom is right. And literally she was so dejected when I said it like Chantel, like for four hours, I was like,
00:23:06
Speaker
even after I apologized, like it took a while to get her back. And like, i had to reframe my thoughts and I had just keep saying to myself before I went to bed, I'm like, I can do better tomorrow. I did not do good today.
00:23:18
Speaker
I rectified it the best I can, but I can do better tomorrow. And then I got up the next day it was still stinging. And I'm like, and need to do better today. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you took the words right out of my mouth about how humbling it it is to apologize to your child.
00:23:34
Speaker
It's hard, but it's so important. It is so important. So Avery is ADHD. And um prior to working here, I worked in preschool and I worked with preschoolers with developmental disabilities and it was a tough job.
00:23:47
Speaker
It is taxing on your patients and you get touched out by the end of the day and then you go home to your own children. And my patience for Avery, God bless her soul. She is the most beautiful, wonderful child, but she has energy and I would lose my patience so quick and I would yell and I would yell hard and she would cry. And I would feel like that, that moment is the moment that breaks your soul.
00:24:17
Speaker
and I would have to humble myself and apologize because I was wrong. I'm the grownup, you know? And I think it's really helped my relationship with her. And it's, it's made me grow as a mom immensely.
00:24:32
Speaker
and And she's learned, I'm not perfect. Neither one of us is perfect. But we can share that. And we grow together in it. Sure. But that apology is so big.
00:24:45
Speaker
It's big for them to see you apologize as a mom when you feel you've done something and you feel guilty about it. It's okay to say it. And there are times that... you are going to talk very sternly to your kids and there are times they are going to cry. And you know what?
00:24:59
Speaker
There are times that they need to cry and that's okay. Right? Cause you also have to parent. You can't be their friend, but man, when you're wrong, And I haven't always been good at it, but you cannot look back at what you've done.
00:25:18
Speaker
You can only look forward and continue to grow, right? And there's this rule. I don't know if you've ever heard a Chantal, but it's called the good enough rule. I don't know if you've heard that. It's called the 80-20 rule. And it's a great rule to give yourself grace.
00:25:33
Speaker
If 80% of the time you're doing a pretty good job, you should pat yourself on the back. Right? Because we're but not born perfect. We're not made perfect. But if 80% of the time, if 80% of your day you can say, I made some pretty good decisions, like let that guilt go.
00:25:52
Speaker
that's a good That's a good rule. Why are you striving for 100%? Nobody can hit 100% all the time. ah Not even those ladies on um Facebook that are showing you their Pinterest little mermaid pictures.
00:26:05
Speaker
I am going to try to find my little mermaid cake for you, Chantel. Honestly, no child wanted to eat that cake. It was so bad.
00:26:16
Speaker
um We got to start putting this stuff up. We have a Facebook page that we are not using, but we eventually are going to use it. And we're going to put our, you know, I love those. This is what it was supposed to look like. And this is what it did. Like we need to splash that page with these pictures. So these ladies feel better about their mom guilt. Have you ever seen ah the show Nailed It?
00:26:37
Speaker
Yeah, that is me. I am the nail it girl. Right. love that show. I know. It's the best show. I will at night when I want joy. I'll just like, that's the kind of stuff I want look at. It's the happiness they feel in their total disaster. Like we need to find that in ourselves, in our own lives. Like, yeah.
00:26:56
Speaker
Nailed it. Nailed it. And just like the joy of that. Right. Are your kids fed? This is good enough. Are they fed? Are they happy? Are they clean? Right. Nailed it. Yeah.
00:27:07
Speaker
Did you eat dessert for dinner? Breakfast for dinner? Nailed it. Yeah. Every once in a while that's going to happen. A hundred percent. You might go to McDonald's. I thought I would never go to McDonald's.
00:27:18
Speaker
And I think by like year one, they were eating French fries. It's so funny. Nora got car sick after eating McDonald's once. Oh, oh, yeah. yeah And will not eat it. But Avery loves chicken nuggets and french fries from McDonald's. So it's a battle. It's hard. like if if i take If I do do a stop pit stop to McDonald's, i have to have a peanut butter and jelly for Nora because she will not yeah touch the food. That's okay.
00:27:43
Speaker
Yeah. And sometimes in life, you you make those pit stops. Yeah. And, you know, later on, they may get a salad and grilled chicken for dinner. Like, balance is okay. We don't deprive ourselves of those things.
00:27:56
Speaker
I mean, if anything, I would eat at McDonald's every day if I could. Oh, french fries. I was going to say Big Mac or filet-o-fish sandwich, but this is not about our bad food choices right now.
00:28:07
Speaker
But it's okay if you make those. And that is the whole point of this. And I think... um The last thing that I would say is we started with social media and I think it's kind of um a good idea to end with social media because this is what I would say to you.
00:28:25
Speaker
Start picking better moms to follow, right? Start picking more realistic videos and things like Nailed it Start picking, you know, people that are more realistic and start surrounding yourself with friends that are more realistic.
00:28:41
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Friends that are more on your wavelength. Like you don't have to be friends with the mom that has a four year old, that's your four year old age. Like you've got to be around people that work for you. I just started the charity because of this amazing mom named Kathy and she ended up losing her battle to cancer in 2011 and and eleven And she was my kind of mom.
00:29:09
Speaker
um Beth, who is our final financial director here, we were on this mom's group, right? And Kathy and I would call each other, like whatever, i don't know, 7.15 in the morning, and I'd be like, I'll meet at the park at 7.45.
00:29:20
Speaker
We would just throw, you know, whatever. peanut butter and some bread and a couple apples. And we would just go, Beth would meet us at 10 in the morning with her compartmentalized, little juice box. And then there was a little bit of grilled chicken.
00:29:34
Speaker
And by then, like we were already sunburned. We were ready to go home. Like she was my kind of mom. She just went, she didn't prep. She just went, she would, you know, have a bunch of water bottles in the back of the car and like some sneakers and a water hose and like just went for me that was easy I was not the mom that could get it all together and have a spread for lunch with the rest of the moms it just wasn't me I had to be with the moms that were fly by night moms that completely forgot a fruit to go along with their lunch and you were begging other moms for an apple because your kids only had a ho-ho
00:30:14
Speaker
Those were my moms. Those were my peoples. Yeah. And you know what? I don't really have a lot of moms. I'm not a mom group kind of person. That's not like play dates are hard for me.
00:30:28
Speaker
I just, I don't know why. And there's guilt in that for me because are my kids missing out? Because I don't want to go sit at Susie's house for two hours while the kids play.
00:30:38
Speaker
And they're old enough now too with your kids that they can kind of go, right? And you don't need to be there. They can. They can. I like to to meet other parents. I like to scope things out before I, you know, there's a lot of stuff in the world.
00:30:49
Speaker
um But when they were younger, i i just, it's just not, it's just not my vibe. I love that you're saying that. Yeah. Because that is, ah that is also a truth.
00:31:01
Speaker
Yeah. You may be that mom that, you know, doesn't want to be in all of these groups or doesn't feel comfortable in all of those groups and you're not alone in that. So I really love that you brought that up.
00:31:12
Speaker
Yeah. I'm not a mom mom, yeah you know, and it's nothing personal to any of the moms. It's just, it's my personality. Absolutely. I'm a tad antisocial. But I mean, you know, sometimes I feel as a mom,
00:31:29
Speaker
There's so much going on, right? You're a working mom. So you work quite a bit and do your job very well. Thank you. Thank you. And you know, they're in some different things like dance and all of this, but you have your family that lives close. Like you have a lot of other things that just may take priority. And sometimes when you do have a little bit of downtime, you just want that quiet. Yeah, I've learned that there are, you know, I'm an introvert and I'm a different kind of introvert. I can i can extrovert, but it's exhausting for me to put myself in a social environment.
00:32:08
Speaker
And when I need downtime and when it is my weekend, I don't want to do it. you know, because I'm touched out from the rest of the week. Yeah.
00:32:19
Speaker
And, you know, and it has been a struggle for my kids. And I feel the guilt in that because they want to be out there and doing things. But there's a compromise in that too. Now that they're getting a little older, they certainly can get out there and do some things, yeah right? Things have gotten better. You know, we have a lot of play dates at our house and i I'll drop off. and But it was the younger years and and I felt a lot of guilt during that time.
00:32:45
Speaker
But you are a good mom, as are all of the moms that are listening to us right now. Honestly, like if you are listening to me, please hear my voice. Like, please believe me when I say at the end of the day, it mom guilt isn't something that we can just turn off, but we can stop letting it control us.
00:33:05
Speaker
Our kids do not need perfection. Do you understand me? They don't. They need a mom who doesn't run herself ragged into the ground just by trying to be everything to everybody.
00:33:17
Speaker
They need a mom that is present, who loves them, who takes care of herself so that she can show up. That's what I want to say to you today. Like you just need to show up. If you're feeling the weight of guilt, then remind yourself.
00:33:32
Speaker
I could almost cry saying this. Oh my gosh.
00:33:37
Speaker
Chantel's clapping. You are enough. When that little voice creeps in and um tells you otherwise, shut it down.
00:33:48
Speaker
Give yourself grace. And remember, they just want you happy. Your love is more than enough. Thank you. I'm Christy Jones along with my co-host, Chantel Schaefer.
00:34:00
Speaker
We appreciate that you have tuned in to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. You want to hear these podcasts and more other? Follow us wherever you love listening and check out our charity at sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:34:15
Speaker
dot org