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Rebuilding After Life Falls Apart
75 Plays22 days ago
Life doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes, it completely falls apart—whether it’s losing a loved one, facing a major career change, or feeling lost in your own story. But rebuilding isn’t about going back to who you were—it’s about creating something new, one small step at a time.
In this episode, Krista and Chauntel dive deep into what it really takes to move forward after everything shifts. They’ll talk about the pain of starting over, the myths about healing, and the unexpected strength that comes from life’s hardest moments. If you’ve ever felt like you’re standing in the wreckage of a life you didn’t choose, this one’s for you.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Exhausted Sparrows Unite'
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite with your host k Krista Jones and my sidekick extraordinaire, Chantel Schaefer.
Rebuilding After Life Challenges
00:00:15
Speaker
As we talk a little bit today about rebuilding your life after everything falls apart,
00:00:20
Speaker
Because life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes it completely falls apart, whether it's the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a career change, whatever happens. It's these, oh my gosh, what now moments. But here's the thing.
00:00:37
Speaker
Falling apart doesn't mean staying stuck. It means finding a way to rebuild piece by piece, even when you have no idea where you should even start. So today Chantel and I are going to talk about what does it even take to move forward after everything changes? Like what does that first step look like?
Lessons and Resilience from Hardships
00:00:56
Speaker
The unexpected lessons that we learn in hardship. I know that sounds awful, but it's so true.
00:01:01
Speaker
And why resilience isn't about just bouncing back. It's really just about building something new. So Chantel, I warned her before we did this one. I said, i need you to really absorb the beat because this is going to be hard. This is going to be vulnerable and welcome. And thank you for still saying, all right, I'll jump right in This is scary. This is heavy. This is heavy stuff. But you know, that's what we're all about. We said this when we started the podcast that we want this.
Beyond Appearances: Addressing Inner Struggles
00:01:33
Speaker
I said podcast. Did you hear that? We're very proper British. Yeah. You know, we said when we started this, like we have to really dive into things that people don't talk about and things that we don't talk about. And, you know, we all look like we're so great on the outside when we're anything but on the inside.
00:01:50
Speaker
And like this is a heavy topic, but we all go through something in our lives that is a loss. And I think sometimes people think, oh, well, you know, I've never... you know really lost anybody you know that has been close to me that I've loved. And that's not the only, I mean, there's millions, there's losses of friendship and there's losses of careers that we thought you know were going to be you know what we were doing 20 years from now.
00:02:14
Speaker
There's so many things in our life that derail along the way. And it's really important to dive into that. It is. It's a part of everybody's life.
Reframing Loss as a Plot Twist
00:02:26
Speaker
We all experience it in one way, shape or form, whether it it seem insignificant or not, it's still a loss and you still have to find a way to move forward. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. And I think that we, we have to kind of.
00:02:39
Speaker
look at that. and and and And I think it's really important if you are going through a loss right now or have gone through some type of a loss and you're struggling with, you know, how am I going to put one step in front of the other? I think you have to look back at that chapter and realize it's not the end.
00:03:01
Speaker
It's just a plot twist that is going to change everything. A plot twist. I like that. I'm always like, When one door closes, another opens. But plotted plot twist is definitely a very appropriate turn of phrase for that. Yeah.
00:03:17
Speaker
And I think it makes you look at things um in a different light, right? Because sometimes you think when a door closes, you think, oh my gosh, like... you know, something is slammed in front of me and now I don't have any other choice. I have to walk into the open door. And I like to use the word pivot a lot because it was given to me, um during COVID. And I really, i keep it on my desk.
00:03:38
Speaker
My friend Beth Corso got me this, this little magnet that says pivot from friends, you know, the couch episode, which I absolutely love. And, um, I keep it wherever I go because You know, i think the first step to all of this is to realize that what you think your life is going to look like is absolutely not going to turn out exactly as is.
00:04:00
Speaker
We have this whole dream and this whole plan and there, it just isn't. Life is not perfect. There's going to be a million things that come our way. So I like to say it is a plot shift. right? Um, a plot twist when we, you know, lose, um, and when a job, you know, when we're fired from a job, when we have a breakup, or we have a death of a loved one we have to realize that yes, we're not where we thought we were going to be So we have to reframe our thinking, which we've talked about in other episodes in order to figure out, well, now where are we going?
00:04:38
Speaker
Hmm.
Emotional Processing and Societal Avoidance
00:04:39
Speaker
Yeah. And sometimes you don't do that immediately. Sometimes you have to take a minute. You have to wallow in it. You have to feel it. You have to let it burn for a little bit.
00:04:50
Speaker
You have to sit in the mess. Yes. Right. Own your mess. You have to own it. You have to sit in it. And I like that you said that because, you know, a lot of people don't do that because we live in a culture that kind of avoids discomfort.
00:05:06
Speaker
Right. and We live in a culture where on social media, we say this almost every podcast. It is a theme for us here. ah We see, you know, all these people that are doing so great and wow, they just moved on from this or they moved on from that.
00:05:22
Speaker
And oh my gosh, things are so wonderful. And a lot of times our first instinct um is often just to numb it, right? Look on social media and see how better a life can be.
00:05:34
Speaker
ah Dive into substance abuse. um say I'm fine, I'm fine, like Krista Jones does and own it with a t-shirt. um You know, there's a lot of different ways to do it, but we really are supposed to sit in the mess.
00:05:47
Speaker
And that for me is uncomfortable. It is very uncomfortable.
Healing and Emotional Acceptance
00:05:52
Speaker
um One of my favorite quotes, and I keep it saved on my phone and I'm go to read it, is one thing I've learned is that life is a paradox.
00:05:58
Speaker
In order to heal, you must hurt. In order to love, you must break open. And in order to have peace, you must face chaos. Never regret any experience in your life but good is because it is always meant to bring you balance and the light always follows. Wow.
00:06:15
Speaker
I know. And I keep it. And when I am feeling just on the cusp of where am I going and what am I doing and why is this happening? I read it and I know that I'm there for a reason and I'm feeling this for a reason. And it's generally so that I can grow from it. So that you can heal.
00:06:35
Speaker
Right. Because if you don't sit in it and you don't absorb it
00:06:40
Speaker
How do you grow from it I mean, that's that's that's a really good point. You're not going to learn anything if you just numb it. Yeah. And I mean, if you think about a wound, a real wound, if you don't clean it out and sanitize it, it's going to fester.
00:06:57
Speaker
And if you don't clean yourself out, it's going to fester. is And it's going to infect all areas of your life. That's true. Like we need to be able to say that we're not okay because all of these losses, they're big losses. They're in all these different areas of our life, but a divorce is a huge loss.
00:07:16
Speaker
It's the loss of your partner, somebody that was at one point, your best friend. It's, you know, the loss of friendships. It's, it's the loss of a job that maybe you thought you would have forever and you weren't ready to give up. Even if you didn't love the job, you know, to be fired from a job.
00:07:29
Speaker
Like there's all of these losses and you do have to heal in that and you do have to sit in that and you do have to, if there is ownership, take it. But sometimes there's not ownership and then you got to give yourself grace.
00:07:41
Speaker
That
Krista's and Chantel's Personal Experiences with Loss
00:07:42
Speaker
is a great point. This is why Chantel Schaefer is not really sidekick Chantel Schaefer. She is kind of like leading co-host. i I'm giving you a new title now.
00:07:52
Speaker
I am. you have You have run up the ranks to co-host extraordinaire. Ooh. But um avoiding the emotions too only prolongs the suffering, right?
00:08:05
Speaker
It does. Because you're just, again, another phrase, you're putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. Yeah. It's not going to heal. And I do that all the time. So I am here to tell you if you are listening to us...
00:08:16
Speaker
in our Exhausted Sparrows Unite podcast all the time. That's what I do because, you know, for those of you that are like, I don't even know why you have that title. We have the title because we have a charity here called Sparrows Nest and we feed individuals and families throughout their cancer treatments.
00:08:34
Speaker
And, you know, we see a lot of heavy stuff here and nothing ever goes the way we are predicting here because it doesn't with a cancer diagnosis, the people that we feed. And it doesn't behind the scenes because we kind of think, oh, this is the way it's going to look when we walk this out. And it never happens.
00:08:50
Speaker
And I am a, it's fine. I'm fine. It's all fine kind of person. And I can tell you that if I don't sit in my mess, it is a reality check for me further down the road when I do the same thing again.
00:09:06
Speaker
because I haven't sat in what was bad about the situation or what I've done wrong. And it's not only a reality check, it just prolongs the suffering because, right, I don't want to deal with whatever the ick is in that situation, but it just compounds the thing. And then sometimes Chantal will be like,
00:09:27
Speaker
hey, what do you want for breakfast? And then I'll just cry. and it's really because I'm not sitting in the mess of something four months ago. I'm not crying because i feel frumpy and I don't want to eat the bacon, egg and cheese because I didn't lose the weight. Like I'm really upset because of something else, some kind of a loss that I haven't mourned, some kind of a thing that I haven't done.
00:09:48
Speaker
And there is so much to be said in sitting in the mess and really trying to clean yourself and scoop yourself out of that moment. Yeah. And sometimes you do that alone and sometimes you need somebody else to be there with you. Even, yeah you know, my husband and and I love him dearly, but for a long time he was always trying to help and offer advice and suggestions.
00:10:09
Speaker
And I would get so angry because I didn't want help or suggestions. I just wanted to be with my person And I just wanted to feel my feelings and feel sorry for myself in that moment.
00:10:20
Speaker
And he's learned that. And now when I'm in that space, he just hugs me and holds me. and he says, it's all going to be okay eventually. And we're going to get through this.
00:10:33
Speaker
And that's you communicating with them too because people don't know what to do in the middle of your loss. It's really hard. We've done episodes here with um cancer patients they're they' you know or a cancer family where their child has died. And you know most people say communication is the biggest key.
00:10:49
Speaker
Find out what the person needs. you know and and And you might be the kind of person that just, like Chantel said, you know, needs just to know that there's somebody there having nachos with them.
00:11:02
Speaker
You might be the kind of person that, you know, needs therapy and there is nothing wrong with that. Like, I can't stress that enough. I've gone through therapy at points in my life where I'm like, this is way too heavy. I don't even know how to handle this.
00:11:16
Speaker
You know, you could be the person that ugly cries in your car to let it out or takes long walks, but you have to recognize that you need to do something, even if that's nothing as Chantel said, like that's just having Jeremiah by her, you know, so that she knows that she has somebody that loves her.
00:11:35
Speaker
But like, there's no timeline of how long that takes, but you do got to figure out what is your action plan so that you can, can heal from whatever the loss is you know, that you've just incurred.
00:11:49
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And, and some days are hard. Um, I suffered a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I could not even get myself out of bed.
00:12:00
Speaker
I couldn't go on like that forever. Life goes on, bills come in and, you know, i suffered what I considered a measurable loss and I needed to, to lay in it and be with it. And then I had to pick myself up and figure out what our next steps were.
00:12:17
Speaker
Because it does then change everything, right? It does. It changes your perspective. um It made me angry. It made me um jealous. And I had to get over that because it wasn't the pregnant lady at the grocery store's fault that I lost my pregnancy, you know, but I had to work through that.
00:12:37
Speaker
and And probably, i'm you know, I have not suffered a miscarriage. So many women do. More than 50% of women suffer miscarriages. But, you know, I think then you probably had some anxiety throughout pregnancies after that with the girls.
00:12:52
Speaker
I spent a lot of time at the doctor when I when i got pregnant with Nora because it was i at any twinge, any flutter, everything worried me.
00:13:04
Speaker
And understandably so. But by the time Avery came, out i I was old hat. You know, so I did. It's a process, you know, where the anxiety lessens little by little each year, each time, each day.
00:13:19
Speaker
That's interesting that you say that. I had an engagement before I met my husband, and this was when um i was going to school um at Southern Illinois University, and I was engaged, and I actually moved up here with him. He actually came and is still living in the area.
00:13:42
Speaker
And got up here and then broke things off with me. So I moved up here to a place where I didn't know anyone. He didn't know anyone. My mom and dad were living here at the time.
00:13:54
Speaker
And, you know, within weeks of moving up here with me, he um kind of, you know, just went off the grid. So I couldn't even find him. Right. Right.
00:14:04
Speaker
So um left me. ah cell phones, you know, were kind of just starting. This was like... I don't know, 1991, 92, when I think cell phones were starting to come around.
00:14:18
Speaker
um So social media was not a thing. i think it was MySpace at the time. I wasn't even a part of that, but I don't even think Facebook was a thing. So there was no social media tracking. I mean, literally just left me.
00:14:34
Speaker
And so that was such an insurmountable loss because there was no closure. It was obviously my fault because he left me.
00:14:46
Speaker
um and I, it was the first time that I ever went through because because i was so alone.
00:14:57
Speaker
i was so afraid mentally of what I would do to myself. I was in such a dark place. I couldn't get out of bed. i went to therapy, still couldn't get out of bed.
00:15:08
Speaker
You know, I had no friends. i had no outlet. I didn't have anybody to talk to. And that for me was a process that took years. I can't even describe it to you.
00:15:20
Speaker
I just, I i had nothing. And I just knew that if I didn't talk to someone, I just knew what I was feeling was not good. And i knew that I was nervous about what I was feeling. So, you know, I asked to be on some medication. i did that for a while I was overweight at the time. I've always struggled with my weight, but what I did then is I tried to, um you know, she had said to me, I think you need to exercise.
00:15:49
Speaker
And, you know, she said the endorphins of that can help you. And so then I started running and I started, you know, I mean, and when I say running, I really wasn't running guys. I was, I was like walking up my street and back. I was doing like a quarter of a mile and then a half a mile. And Eventually I got to a mile and then I started running and I, and I started getting in a place where, um, the endorphins did kick in and I did start feeling a little better and I started watching what I ate and I, but man, Chantal, when I tell you, i had no friends.
00:16:20
Speaker
my fiance now just left me with a wedding that was going to be, you know, eight months later. And I will tell you, you know, I said to God, you know, why me? Like I was man, I was low. And I just kept saying to him, whatever is I'm supposed to learn in this moment, I need you to reveal it. And it took years, but I look back now and I think eventually it brought me my husband who is,
00:16:47
Speaker
an amazing support system for me. Not many men would let me do this charity and like give up my whole entire life to do this, you know, and God put what I needed when I need but man, it was not immediate either. So I sat for a really long time in this. So when I say things like, you know, the timeline, it could be years. It really was years for me.
00:17:08
Speaker
I was not in a good mental place. That loss for me almost completely crushed me. It was like a tremendous loss. And, you know, there are people that will say, you know, get up, get going,
Complexity and Individuality of Grief
00:17:21
Speaker
right? It's a myth about moving on.
00:17:24
Speaker
um You know, ah you just need a little bit of time. You have to stay positive. Everything happens for a reason. Like we hear all of these things and you in the middle of a miscarriage, you don't want to hear any of those things.
00:17:35
Speaker
Oh, no. What do you mean, like, stay positive? It happens for a reason. What in the world is the reason for a miscarriage? You know, 11, almost 12 years later, I still don't know what the reason is. And I still wonder what that baby, who that baby would have been.
00:17:51
Speaker
ah it never goes away. It never does. And there wasn't reason. there was no reason. I mean, you know, medically, maybe there would have been something wrong with the baby.
00:18:02
Speaker
I don't know. But that doesn't change the fact that I lost a person. I lost my baby. And again, to this day, I still wonder, what if?
00:18:14
Speaker
Did I do something? Was it my fault? and And no matter how many times people tell me, no, it doesn't go away. It doesn't go away. But like you said, what were there some medical things that you didn't know about? You know, there's a million different things, but it's this myth that, um you know, we need to stay positive, um you know,
00:18:36
Speaker
time, you know, heals all wounds. I think people that will tell you with, with losses like that, right. Mine was a loss of relationship, but actual physical losses of, of people.
00:18:46
Speaker
I don't know if it heals any wounds. It just makes the grief different over the years. Right. Every wound leaves a scar. Yeah. And it scars forever.
00:18:57
Speaker
Yeah. And so I think we have to be cognizant of that because, um, of the society we live in and, you know, like,
00:19:06
Speaker
Healing, it's it's also not like ah a straight line, a straight path. It's kind of like this scribble. It's like a scribble. And your scribble looks a lot different than my scribble.
00:19:18
Speaker
But, you know, I think us as a society, you know, watching someone in the loss of a job or a friendship or a miscarriage or... ah or a loved one, you know, we have to realize that we can't tell them what they need to be feeling and how they need to be going through it because we are all unique individuals. And that is something that if you're dealing with somebody that has suffered any type of a loss, you know, you should take a step back and again, communicate and figure out what do they need from me?
00:19:48
Speaker
Because how are they processing this loss? We all process it differently. Some people immediately get right back up and, you know, say all right, I'm good. i need to move on because that is their healing mechanism.
00:20:00
Speaker
But sitting in the mess is important. It is. It is compartmentalizing all of it and squashing it down doesn't make it go away. It just compounds it. right?
00:20:10
Speaker
And then taking these myths and realizing that's exactly what they are. Like we can't put labels on people that are are suffering and we can't minimize the loss of anything, the
Finding Strength in Support and Routines
00:20:22
Speaker
loss of a job, the loss of an animal, you know, all of these things that you're like, I mean, everybody has losses and the severity of their loss really depends on their priorities, right?
00:20:33
Speaker
And far be it for me to tell you what your priorities should or shouldn't be. you know, you're your own unique individual. Absolutely. And then, you know, finding strength in, uh, strength in unexpected, you know, places.
00:20:44
Speaker
Um, sometimes it's really not about us that are watching somebody go through a loss, you know, doing these grand gestures. Sometimes it's about small actions.
00:20:55
Speaker
And that's part of the reason this charity was formed. You know, when my friend Kathy was going through her cancer diagnosis, one that she ultimately did not win, i Didn't even know what the grand gestures would be. To me, it was just, let me make her a meal.
00:21:10
Speaker
Those little small things are really anything but small. So when you feel this, this, this, oh my goodness, I don't know what to do. You're at a loss of what you should do for somebody that is suffering.
00:21:20
Speaker
It doesn't need to be a grand gesture. ah handwritten card. I can't tell you, you know, I got a handwritten card from a friend after, uh, you know, uh, the loss of, of, of that relationship years ago.
00:21:34
Speaker
And I still have that card. Her just saying to me, i don't even know what to say to you, but I am a phone call away. And I will bug you and I will call you. And I was like, thank you.
00:21:45
Speaker
That's really, that that that's all I need. Just knowing you're not alone. Yeah. And the strength can come from, um you know, your community. Like um some people need like support groups and there's plenty of support groups out there in your community. Please find one if you can find one.
00:22:01
Speaker
Um, there's also, you know, strength that comes from a routine. That's what it was for me getting some structure and, and starting to work out and getting those endorphins and, you know, getting my revenge body on. I mean, whatever that needs to be for you, but I like, I'm going to be the best I can be. You know what I mean? Like sometimes it comes from that.
00:22:21
Speaker
It can come from art or music or writing. It can come from your faith, you know, spirituality and, Sometimes there is no one or nothing that can fix it. But for you, maybe that is God or whatever that is that you pour into.
00:22:35
Speaker
But for me, a lot of times that is really where I will say there is not a human being on the face of this earth that can give me any comfort. And God, I am asking you to to protect my heart because I am not okay. My soul is not okay. My whole being is not okay.
00:22:50
Speaker
So, you know, you have to figure out like, where can I find my strength? Who can I find my strength in? Where are those friends?
00:23:01
Speaker
And they're out there. And if you don't have them, then you know what? You need to start you know pruning your bushes, as Krista Jones likes to say. Because sometimes there's a lot of thorns that are choking this actual bush that can grow into something beautiful.
00:23:16
Speaker
And you need to get yourself at least a friendship or two that are not your fair-weathered friends, that are your, I will get down in the dirt with you and I will hold your hand while you cry. And I will not judge you because this loss is the loss of a job and you're taking this way harder than maybe I would.
00:23:33
Speaker
Like, I'm not judging you for that because I understand that to you. This is so important. Like, we need to find those friendships, especially as we get older in life. Right? Yeah. And, you know, we've said this so many times, technology and social media has made life so isolated We're also busy. We're also running around and and we're seeking out that connection on a device.
00:23:56
Speaker
and And you need that in-person connection. You need those people in your life. How cold is that? Any of us can say anything we want when we're behind a keyboard, right? It's always thoughts and prayers.
00:24:07
Speaker
Yeah. And honestly, i just want to know, like, I want you to physically say, I am praying for you. I am here for you. Let's go for a walk. Come to my church. Let's sit on a bench. Let's like, that's the actions that we really need in the middle of loss.
00:24:22
Speaker
And we need to be able to give to other people. We we need to be able to give them our time. You know, we're all very busy. So most of us understand that if you're giving a half hour, Wow, thank you for carving out a half hour for me.
00:24:34
Speaker
You love me enough to find that time, you know, during my day. And then, you know, I think some people, like you said earlier, you know, when one door closes, another opens. I think people struggle with that because there is an identity shift that comes
Exploring New Opportunities Post-Loss
00:24:50
Speaker
with loss. No matter what it is, we are then through this loss trying to figure out, well, who we are and what we thought, you know, our lives were going to be is no more,
00:25:02
Speaker
So sometimes you have to look at that as have this unplanned opportunity now. Right? That is very optimistic.
00:25:13
Speaker
Thank you. i like that. But I like to be optimistic. I don't like to live in the pessimistic. Like loss is very painful, but the loss of something, not someone, not someone, but the loss of maybe a relationship or a job um or a divorce, the the the loss of these things can create space for something healthy.
00:25:38
Speaker
So what is that? Can you find that? Can you try something new, even if it scares you with the loss of a job, right? Like you even, in you took a leap because you went to school for something completely different than being Krista Jones's not only assistant extraordinaire, but fundraising queen and event planner and techie, ah techie Chantelle, right?
00:26:04
Speaker
And um superhero blow up wearing person running around the streets. And like you didn't even go to school with that. So you made a career change, which was the loss of what you might have went to school for for something else. I mean, that's scary.
00:26:23
Speaker
It was horrifying. And, you know, I have to say the hardest part for me was telling my family, you know, because I went to school, I got a master's degree for a career, and my biggest fear was disappointing my parents.
00:26:39
Speaker
And they have been nothing but supportive. But I mean, coming here that first day and having no idea what it was, expected well, I knew what was expected of me. I knew what we were doing, but like no idea what every day was going to bring and how I was going to accomplish the goals that I needed to accomplish here.
00:26:54
Speaker
That was horrifying. And, you know, thank God my husband was supportive because I went home every day and I was anxiety ridden. And if I was actually, meeting your expectations and the expectations that you know the board has and the charity has you know I don't want to be the loose wheel in this machine but you know I you know for for a while kind of felt oh my gosh this would be a great partnership and and you know I knew getting you in here so sometimes when you know you let go of one job for another job like you should think of it like
00:27:31
Speaker
somebody has a lot of faith in me where I'm going. Like they really see potential in me. Maybe I'm not seeing. And you're right though. When your parents spend a lot of money on your college education and you spend a lot of money on your college education, I went for communications and you know, I did that for many, many years. And then I really felt this strong calling, you know,
00:27:51
Speaker
that it leave that by the wayside. You have to form this charity, you know, same kind of thing, which wasn't even in existence. And, you know, thank goodness for the support of Christian. Thank goodness for the relationship that did not work out, that brought me him, that brought me here.
Career Changes and Finding Peace
00:28:06
Speaker
Like God already saw that plan for me in my life was like, I'm going to be on TV and, you know, I'm going to be in New York city and I'm going to be, you know, this great reporter. And honestly, when 9-11 hit and I, you know, actually saw people jumping off of the buildings in the city and the horrendous news story and asking 9-11 families how they felt.
00:28:35
Speaker
Like for me, I was like, um my gosh, I got it. wrong I don't want to do this. I got it all wrong. I don't want to do this. So, you know, I made also like a huge career change, but one that eventually brought me peace.
00:28:46
Speaker
Like God was already like, I know exactly where I'm going to bring you. And at the end of the day, right, it's all about, are we in peace? And sometimes somebody firing you from a job or you making this leap of faith is because your peace is not being protected.
00:29:01
Speaker
And you need to go somewhere where your peace is being protected. So like all of these things, you know, can help you start again because beginning again is scary.
00:29:13
Speaker
So in that, you got to figure out what you can control. Right. Chantel couldn't control how I was going to feel about, you know, the work that she was doing.
00:29:24
Speaker
But like, you know, I already had the faith in her. So like, sometimes you got to think, well, somebody does want me and they want me to, and they see this potential. And like, you got to think about that. And, you know, you got to realize that embracing the uncertainty is part of that process.
00:29:41
Speaker
It is. You just got to take that leap. You do. And honestly, a lot of times after you take it, you're like, oh, this is what was waiting for me.
Gaining Clarity Through Hardships
00:29:52
Speaker
Why didn't I do it earlier? I mean, I don't know, Chantel, that's how you're feeling, but I hope so.
00:29:57
Speaker
Oh, here, yeah. But like if you brought me somewhere and told me to leap blindly and I didn't see the bottom, ah yeah, no. Right. But you know, that's the thing. So here's the thing. It really is the power of perspective too.
00:30:10
Speaker
um You are going to go through hardships. There's no way for us to get beyond that. Right. And hardships are going to force clarity because what's going to happen there is when you have a hard loss,
00:30:23
Speaker
First of all, your perspective, what truly matters, the people that show up in the middle of that hardship is going to be something that's important and what's really worth fighting for.
00:30:38
Speaker
That is what a hardship shows us. That is what a loss shows us. It does show us all of these things and we get to in the middle of such enormous loss that get our perspective straight, right?
00:30:52
Speaker
Every day you and are feeding people with a cancer diagnosis. So every single day i am very careful what goes on my social media page. Not much does on my personal because when I see you on my social media page posting a lot of negative and how you have a headache and how your kids are driving you nuts and, you know, when you are a very negative person and then putting that out there on social media, I think,
00:31:18
Speaker
you have no idea of the perspective that you really should have.
Social Media and Perception of Hardships
00:31:22
Speaker
You have no idea what the loss really looks like or what a cancer diagnosis really looks like. And a mom that isn't even certain if she's going to be here next year for her children.
00:31:32
Speaker
So these issues that you might be complaining about, you know, of course there might be stuff that drives us crazy with our kids and all that, but Maybe that's conversations that go on with your besties or conversations with your husbands or conversations with yourself. And, you know, the words that you write on social media, you got to really be careful because there are people judging it and there are people that are going through some really tough stuff that read those words and look at it as callous or look at it as, you know, um not having your pulse on um what truly is important.
00:32:06
Speaker
And I'm not saying you don't ever post that stuff. Of course, we all go on these rants and stuff, but you know, think about it. There are places for our critiques and for our complaints. And there are times really when, you know, maybe that doesn't go on social media because maybe your life really like work that through. Maybe it's not quite as bad as you're thinking. So we learn through hardships and we learn why it's okay if you're not there yet. Right.
00:32:30
Speaker
Like, um, that's like a big deal for people, I think. And I put down this quote a little bit earlier. um, And I need to find it because it was such a great quote.
Rebuilding Life Through Small Victories
00:32:43
Speaker
And it was, um rebuilding doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it's deep breaths and tiny victories.
00:32:54
Speaker
And it days it's days when you don't want to do anything. It happens when you say yes to life. even if it's all uncomfortable. So I read that and I thought, wow, that's really true.
00:33:08
Speaker
And I think realizing there's light at the end of a tunnel, but right, it's a tunnel. I'm not telling you there's light at the end of your day. There's light at the end of the tunnel, which really, if you think about that, could mean tunnels can be relatively long,
00:33:25
Speaker
And relatively dark and relatively scary. And we could be underwater, you know, at the Delaware, what's that tunnel called? Oh, I don't know. That scares me. But it's long.
00:33:36
Speaker
Some people are afraid of bridges. Me. It's long. And you're underwater for, it I can't, I don't even know how many miles, but it's a lot of miles. Yes, it is. And right, like you're underwater for a while, but you know, going into that tunnel that you are coming out on the other side and it will be light And for those of us that are afraid of those tunnels, eventually you're going to be able to go, oh my gosh, thank you.
00:34:00
Speaker
I see the light. I see the end. And it is going to be there, but it's different for for everybody, right? And sometimes that's, you know, i facing pain and facing uncertainty.
00:34:17
Speaker
And we just got to keep in mind that all of us have a different journey to walk. Yeah. And we're all going to get through these things differently in our own way, in the way that we're meant to.
00:34:31
Speaker
Yeah. and and And I think that's the thing. And what we're saying is sit in your mess, ah however uncomfortable it is, shut off social media if you have to, because the I'm fine, it's all fine movement isn't necessarily the best mental health movement for all of us.
Impact of Loss on Mental Health
00:34:50
Speaker
And you know we we have to talk about that because you know loss actually gives you stress, right? So anytime you have this major life change,
00:35:01
Speaker
It can trigger the body's fight or flight. Chantel, I think you and I um have discussed this before, but it's like it's a true thing. um It increases your cortisol levels and it contributes to feelings of unease.
00:35:15
Speaker
And in the Lancet psychiatry study that came out, I think it was like in 22, um You know, it said that they found that from unexpected life events, like a sudden job loss, the loss of a loved one, it is linked to 80% higher anxiety, anxiety,
00:35:35
Speaker
and sleep disturbances. So think about that. Your anxiety in the middle of loss can be 80% higher of a trigger than just any normal day, 80% more sleep disturbances. So now you're not working on an eight hour sleep. You're working on way much less sleep. And we know what that does to the body and to cortisol. So all the things that you're feeling are real things that you've got to sit in and you've got to take these deep breaths and you've got to absorb because your outward pain absolutely contributes to inward
00:36:15
Speaker
fatigue and feelings and issues that you can't ignore because your body is saying, i am going through something. Stop.
00:36:27
Speaker
We need to figure this out. And a lot of us, we just don't do it. Yeah. Um, so I suffered what I consider one of the biggest loss of my life, uh, this fall. I'm not getting it into details cause there's a lot of personal stuff in there.
00:36:40
Speaker
Um, and, I didn't sleep for weeks. I didn't eat right. um I remember my husband taking my kids to the gem show at Gold's Gym and I was in bed under the covers just loathing daylight.
00:36:57
Speaker
um And that door closed. in that time period. And I'll tell you that door is still closed. I haven't left that room yet. um I've processed a lot of things in this time, but it's still there. It's still fresh.
00:37:13
Speaker
um And so now that's September to now, I don't know how many months that is, but you know, I'm still moving forward, but I still feel those things and they're still in there. you know So this is me telling you it isn't quick.
00:37:26
Speaker
And it this might go on for the rest of my life. I don't know. um But it isn't a quick fix. It isn't an easy road. um And don't be ashamed if it doesn't feel better a week or a month or six months later.
00:37:42
Speaker
And I think when you say closing a door, people think your emotions should shut off. No, no, you're just maybe closing that relationship. You're closing something, but those emotions are still there to deal with.
00:37:54
Speaker
It's not that when you close that door, you're supposed to go, okay, it's good. I'm done. Now you got to deal with whatever is in that room, like you said. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just waiting for a window or another door or something to open. But, you know, I'm sitting in there and I'm meditating. Yeah.
00:38:10
Speaker
And I am praying for that for you because that is going to happen for you because you are Chantelle. Thank you. You are loved as the rest of you are. And I just want to, i want to thank you guys for kind of,
00:38:23
Speaker
Just coming out and sitting with us today because this is a topic that is really vulnerable and it's really hard for all of us.
Encouragement and Resources for Healing
00:38:31
Speaker
I know that right now it might not feel like you're just standing in the wreckage of a life that you didn't choose. and and and And it might feel like you're staring at all these pieces. They don't fit any anymore. but It just might not feel good.
00:38:44
Speaker
Maybe you're just tired and maybe you're angry and maybe you don't even know where to begin, but I want you to hear this. You are not broken. You are not beyond repair. You are still here. And that means...
00:38:58
Speaker
Girl, guy, your story is not over. So if today feels heavy, just focus on the next step. Maybe not the whole staircase. Maybe it's just one step at a time.
00:39:10
Speaker
And if you can't even take a step, then just breathe. That is enough for today. The world needs you in it. So you need to process this mess and you need to find a way to just breathe.
00:39:24
Speaker
Thank you for spending time with Chantel and I on Exhausted Sparrows Unite. You can find out more about what the charity does on our podcast at sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:39:37
Speaker
Until next time, be kind with yourself. You're doing way better than you might think.