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The Invisible Load: The Job You Didn’t Apply For (But Somehow Work Full-Time)
55 Plays6 days ago
Ever feel like you're running a mental spreadsheet in the background at all times—while also making dinner, managing other people's moods, remembering dentist appointments, and pretending you're totally fine? Yeah. Welcome to the invisible load.
In this episode, we dive deep into the hidden mental and emotional labor so many of us carry—especially women, caretakers, and chronic over-functioners. From constantly anticipating everyone’s needs to absorbing emotional energy like a sponge, this is the work that doesn’t show up on a resume, but can absolutely burn you out.
We’ll explore:
- What emotional labor and mental load actually mean (hint: it’s not just about chores)
- Why this work is often invisible—and who’s expected to carry it
- The physical and emotional toll of juggling everyone’s everything
- How to start offloading the load without guilt
- Scripts, boundaries, and small changes that make a big difference
You didn’t sign up for this job. But you can rewrite the job description.
Key Topics Covered:
- Definitions: Emotional labor vs. mental load vs. unpaid caretaking
- Cultural conditioning and gender roles (why “being helpful” turned into unpaid project management)
- The myth of multitasking and why it’s frying your brain
- Invisible labor in the workplace vs. home life
- What happens when your value is tied to being “on top of it all”
- Signs you’re carrying too much: burnout, resentment, memory fog
- Why asking for help feels like failure—and why it’s not
- How to actually get support without micromanaging it
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Exhausted Sparrows Unite'
00:00:05
Speaker
Have you ever walked into a room and immediately scanned it like your human to-do list? It's Krista Jones and Chantel Schaefer and here we are again with Exhausted Sparrows Unite and today we are going to talk about something that most of us might not even be able to put a finger on. I don't even know what it is called.
Understanding the Invisible Load
00:00:28
Speaker
We are going to talk about when you're mentally noting that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and that stupid sock is on the stair again. And oh my gosh, the kids science project is now due tomorrow. And oh yeah, is there even chicken in the fridge for dinner tonight?
00:00:42
Speaker
It is the invisible load that so many of us carry without even knowing it. It's like this mental spinning, this anticipation, managing, remembering, oh my gosh, it's just too much.
00:00:55
Speaker
It's unspoken, it's unpaid, and it's often unacknowledged labor that so many of us carry. And why women especially? Caretakers, right? Overachievers. Why do we tend to carry most of it? Right?
00:01:11
Speaker
We're going to dig right in now to the invisible workload and why we all have it. Even if we don't know, that's what it's called. Chantel Schaefer shaking her head like it's about to come off her body like a bobblehead.
00:01:25
Speaker
This one hits home.
Chantel's Personal Insight on Invisible Workload
00:01:27
Speaker
This one hits home. Chantel actually is the one that decided this was this week's topic. Because we talk about it every week and we're like, what do we need to bring to the table this week to just help people realize you are not alone?
00:01:43
Speaker
And she said, the invisible workload. And said, the workload.
00:01:49
Speaker
I don't think i was like, what does that mean? I was, i was like, what does that mean? And she's like, oh, let me tell you, let me share. um So this was an area of contention in my marriage for quite some time. And I never had words for it. I didn't know how to explain it. And I think it was something I saw on social media that explained it. And I i brought it to my husband. I was like, look, I'm not crazy.
00:02:13
Speaker
It is thing. It is thing. It has a name. does. So let's talk
Invisible Load in Everyday Life
00:02:18
Speaker
about it. All right. So what is the invisible low, right? It is mental. It's emotional. It is logistical burdens of life, right?
00:02:30
Speaker
But they're often silent and go without recognition. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll, I'll leave an an example of it's happening in my life right now.
00:02:42
Speaker
My husband was just away for the weekend. Thank goodness it has to do with your husband because I thought you were going to say it's my boss. No, no, no. So my husband went away this past weekend on a, on a very nice trip. He went and saw a friend. It was great.
00:02:53
Speaker
That man packed his suitcase and left the house. That was it. There was no other requirement. I am going away this weekend. I have started making food. I have started cleaning the house and making lists of the kids have dance at this time and they have this do at this time and this needs to be done. This is because I won't be there to do it.
00:03:12
Speaker
And I can't just walk out the door because it won't get done.
00:03:19
Speaker
You bring up a good point. So you you hear that joke, like it's on social media all the time. Like a man says he's going to bed, he goes to bed. A woman says she's going to bed, she does the dishes, she does the, but right. And and it's it's not like, you know, it's this martyr thing. It's that if you don't do all those silent things,
00:03:38
Speaker
that you know need to get done, they're they're not getting done. Because nobody knows about that invisible workload that goes on in your head all the time that you can't necessarily touch or feel.
00:03:49
Speaker
But if you don't do it, disaster in your house if these girls don't get to dance. Yeah. disaster if your husband doesn't know their schedule. So that's like the organization part of it, right? Knowing everybody's schedules, their plans, their meds, their moods.
00:04:06
Speaker
And then there's like a million other kinds like anticipation, ah having to predict all of this before it even arises, right?
Emotional Toll and Lack of Acknowledgment
00:04:15
Speaker
Like that's a big contender in my house.
00:04:17
Speaker
I'm like, oh, the milk is down to an eighth of an eighth of an eighth, which is like a 24th. Like, oh, I'm going to have to get that today. i Like you're anticipating what that that that's part of that invisible Workload, maintenance, keeping the ship running smoothly. Like you said, you are about to leave.
00:04:40
Speaker
So you have to make sure that all of your T's are crossed and your I's are dotted. And then there's like an emotional piece to it, making sure that nobody's upset.
00:04:51
Speaker
So even if you swallow your own emotions, you are also kind of juggling that behind the scenes to make sure nothing is getting forgotten so that everything is smooth.
00:05:04
Speaker
Yeah, it's a lot. It's a heavy, heavy burden. And you have to start that too. I think it's so interesting. You said like you're going on this trip. You like really have to start a week in advance planning what that looks like. I spent his weekend away mentally preparing for what I needed to do for my weekend away.
00:05:20
Speaker
Right. While landing the ship alone. And when he came home or, you know, where could he, could he feel any of that on you or?
00:05:31
Speaker
No. But what's funny is like, there are things I don't typically do. I don't typically take the garbage out. I typically don't put the garbage cans out on the street. I love those things for him. Yeah. Um, this weekend I took the garbage out twice and then I took the garbage cans out to the street.
00:05:46
Speaker
And on Tuesday when he walked me out to my car to move his car so I could leave, I was like, um, did you notice I put the garbage cans out? He goes, Oh, I didn't say thank you. I'm like, nope.
00:05:58
Speaker
Like, but I did it and you didn't ask. Right. And I did it twice. You didn't even do it once. You did it twice. I know. You took one of his manly responsibilities, garbage, which in my household too, same.
00:06:10
Speaker
And, uh, you know, ah yeah because you added that to your plate. And I think it's so interesting because when you brought up, hey, let's do this invisible workload thing. I was like, I don't, I don't know. I don't know if I have any of that. And then as I started doing my research on it, I'm like, oh my gosh, that's 90% of my life. What is going on in our brains that we've got to get done that nobody knows about it.
00:06:34
Speaker
I mean, holy moly.
Visible vs. Invisible Workload
00:06:36
Speaker
I think we should pat ourselves on the back. Yeah, we are the the browser that has 800 tabs open and all of the process is running all the time. All the time.
00:06:45
Speaker
So the kicker to all of that is that it isn't just about who takes the trash out. Like you you you just mentioned the trash, right? It is the mental juggling, the emotional buffering.
00:06:58
Speaker
it is the silent project managing industry. That is another full-time job in our brain and, and, and it is the job that no one gives you credit for.
00:07:13
Speaker
So, ouch. Yeah. I'm a gold star. feel our job, our work job, the job we get paid for is kind of easier than that in the sense that you know exactly what's coming. I mean, here at Sparrows Nest, we really never know what's coming.
00:07:30
Speaker
It is a lot of fun, but you know, you know what's expected of you. You know your job. You you know what you've got to get done. You have your checklist. But then you've got this, this ah in in your brain stuff that you cannot even write down that you can't forget. i think that's a harder job.
00:07:46
Speaker
It is. And it never stops. Like I have a hard time falling asleep at night because my brain is still going, oh, I need to remember to do this. And I need to remember to that. And I need to grab this and do this. It never ends.
00:07:57
Speaker
I want to talk about that too. Because I feel that like at night. And so for me, i will forget it by the morning because I am slightly older than Chantal, but maybe two, three years, not like a lot. No, I'm um i' a decade, but I will forget it in the morning and I know I will. So now I have to physically write it. So I have to get out of bed, get my phone.
00:08:18
Speaker
I physically have to type it into the calendar, you know, so that I won't forget it tomorrow. And now i have screwed up my whole pattern of sleep. And Because I physically have jostled my body out of bed because I don't want the phone too close to my head because I don't want brain cancer. I don't even know if that's a true thing, but I feel like it could be.
00:08:34
Speaker
So I'm physically up. Then I may as well go to the bathroom because, you know, you have to go more when you're a decade older than Chantel. now it messes up my whole night. Yeah.
00:08:47
Speaker
And then, you know, you pick up your phone and you doom scroll for a few minutes. I mean, I also do play Candy Crush. That's fun. Do you play Candy Crush? I do not. Okay. Anyways, I'm sorry. See, I'm digressing right now. So, all right.
00:09:00
Speaker
That is the invisible workload.
Mental Juggling and Late-night Planning
00:09:02
Speaker
So now you guys have a name for it. and And I bet that you feel really, really relieved for that. I bet all of you out there are like, this podcast is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
00:09:12
Speaker
And eventually we are going to tell you how to help you with this invisible workload. workload that you have. But um I think we need to talk a little bit.
00:09:23
Speaker
Let's get to the heart of it, right? Because you said something like, it is like opening up all of these apps. And I love that you said that. It's those mental tabs that just, they never close. So we have to think of our brain like ah like like a work browser, right?
00:09:38
Speaker
Like we have work tabs that are open. Like what are the 28 things you didn't do at work today that you're going to have to get done tomorrow? Right. And I'm speaking a lot, I think, to women on this. And I'm in no way trying to insult men um because there's plenty of men that carry these invisible workloads like we do. Single parent men, men that, you know, are just take over a lot of this for their wives.
00:10:05
Speaker
I don't know of many, but I know you're out there. Right. I don't want to insult that. But I like, I'm reading through this stuff. I'm like, oh, this is us. So we got the work tab. We got a home tab, which you said, I mean, the home tab in itself is like 40 hours. At least.
00:10:22
Speaker
It's at least 40 hours. Just all the scheduling, like all the stuff that you have to do there. And then on top of the home tab... You have a parent tab as you just let all of us know with the dance and with the, you know, ah it's pajama day at school tomorrow. You were talking about dressing like your principal day. principal day. And so like I thought of you because we were just about to record. and I'm like, um my gosh, that's another thing on her invisible workload because Chantel is also very crafty.
00:10:48
Speaker
She's like phenomenally crafty. So, you know, she can't just let them dress up like the principal. They're all going to have like these fantastic things going on, which is another invisible workload because you've got to remember all that. I don't know how fantastic it's going to be. Principal day is tomorrow.
00:11:04
Speaker
You have time. But we also have picture day, which you forgot. And we we laughed at that a couple episodes ago. That was a lost tab. the way. We closed that one way too early. We did see the ah proofs for any of you that were wondering how that went. And the kids looked fantastic. They looked fine. They were actually very good photos. i was I was
Relationship Dynamics and Invisible Load
00:11:21
Speaker
quite shocked. Their hair was brushed.
00:11:23
Speaker
What more could you ask for? I mean. right? Relationship tabs. I think us as women dive more into those areas, right? Because I'm going to say this ladies, because listen, I am one and it's true.
00:11:39
Speaker
ah are fickle. We are emotional. We get our feelings hurt easy. And you know, I have learned and in some of these episodes, we've talked about it, my friend groups and stuff.
00:11:54
Speaker
I can't have a very needy friend group because I love you, but I have to be able maybe to check in on you. But you know, there are friends and stuff that if, you know, you forget, you know, to check in on them because they...
00:12:06
Speaker
ah got an award. They had a big day. They're having a surgery. You got to make dinner for this one because of her. b like So there's there's friendship, relationship, tabs that are always open like, oh my gosh, it's Chantel's birthday tomorrow. I need to bake a cake.
00:12:21
Speaker
you know Oh my gosh, my husband, you know whatever. We're having issues. We need to... do something. So those tabs are open, right? Balancing all of those different kind of relationships and even silly things like, oh my gosh, I just sent out that text. Did that text sound weird to my friend?
00:12:41
Speaker
Which i do all the time and I don't need to, but for me, there will be group text. Guys, don't put me in your group text. I'm awful. awful. Like I am awful because it will go off 28 times and I am so annoyed with all of you because it's like two o'clock. Do you work?
00:12:59
Speaker
I'm sorry. I'm just being honest. And then when I finally get back to you, i i want you to know that I'm, you know, reading them, right? Four hours later. But when I get back to you finally, i will be like um very short And then that is where i all of a sudden, um you know, like I play that back and i'm like, oh, should have sent that?
00:13:21
Speaker
Did I sound like a jerk? All I wrote back is you guys are funny after your 48 messages. It's a lot to catch up on. It is. But that's your relationship tab that's open, right? So we're, you know, that's invisible work.
00:13:35
Speaker
And then your personal tab. That one gets neglected most of the time. Should I meditate or should I find a miniature cow to pet? Go for the cow.
00:13:48
Speaker
Always. We're going to get cows here at Sparrows Nest for those of you that don't know what Sparrows and Nest is because we are called Exhausted Sparrows Unite. We are a charity. We feed cancer patients in the Hudson Valley, four to five counties right here in New York.
00:14:04
Speaker
um We have about 500 people we feed a week, a little bit less than that right now, but numbers are creeping up. And um we feel miniature cows would help our personal tab.
00:14:17
Speaker
What's better than an emotional support cow? Right. Right. And it would also help our work tab. It would. I think I'd be much more productive if I could pet a cow. And our relationship tab. You'd be nicer when you're sending text messages and group texts like Krista.
00:14:32
Speaker
So really, we just have parenting. Then we can bring the kids here to pet the cow. And we have home. And if we're never home, the home won't get dirty. The miniature cow is the answer. That's it. Everybody get a miniature cow.
00:14:43
Speaker
so Problem solved. Sold. We just have to tell the board president and then we're good to go. So we have all of these tabs that are open and wow, no wonder we cannot keep track of it.
00:14:56
Speaker
We can't remember it. And we don't have the cognitive space to hold I want you to hear that. You don't have the cognitive space to even hold all of that.
00:15:11
Speaker
No, and I think sometimes that affects your well-being and your your opinion of yourself when you forget things or drop the ball. Like, I think it's really detrimental to your mental health. I know I feel like the day I didn't dress my kids for picture day because I forgot, I felt like a terrible mom.
00:15:28
Speaker
Even though I know I'm not. You're
Emotional Burden and Cognitive Load
00:15:30
Speaker
not. But like that day, I was really disappointed in myself. And I think we need to learn to like unburden that a little bit. We're all human. We don't have the mental capacity to manage it all. And things are going to slip through.
00:15:42
Speaker
You can't manage it all and you can't manage it all well. When we started the podcast, that was the first episode. Like you can't do it all and you cannot do it all well. And for those on social media that, you know, continue making you feel less than Maybe, you know, it's time to silence them for a little bit, snooze them for 30 days because it's not a true representation of today's world. And, you know, we're talking about forgetting things.
00:16:07
Speaker
I am, you know, menopausal. I am in perimenopause, I think. um I don't know that I'm full blown yet. But even in that, like I am forgetting things left and right. I just told Chantel that I started taking like a dopamine, something so that, you know, I can try to recharge because now I'm like, oh my gosh, how could i forget this?
00:16:32
Speaker
You know, and some of that is hormones and being in this menopause fog, which is a real thing. And I definitely want to do some episodes on this. I got to get some hardcore people in here to like figure this all out because it's a real thing. So there's all these seasons in your life too, where even when you could cognitively hold it, you shouldn't.
00:16:55
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's seasons in your life where you're really running on fumes. There's very little that you can hold. So you start, you have to start like pulling it back, right?
00:17:08
Speaker
So we'll talk about that. So there's always hope in these podcasts. We always give you ways, even though we try to walk it out and we may not do as good of a job as we'd like, but we always towards the end, try to give you different ways that you can do stuff.
00:17:22
Speaker
um So this cognitive load theory more ears more is disproportionately affecting of women.
00:17:33
Speaker
I'm reading this right now in dual earner households. So this is basically saying that for those of us in a household where you're both working,
00:17:47
Speaker
What you notice is that the woman in that household is usually, usually in burnout and decision fatigue because she does what her husband does and works her 40 hour a week job.
00:18:04
Speaker
But then there is a whole 40 hour a week job waiting for her on top of that. It was a study in 2019 and I'm like, duh, of course.
00:18:16
Speaker
Well, yeah, you know, it's funny. I always see those like reels and memes and stuff that are always joking about how women can't decide what they want to eat. That is the last thing on my mind is like I make a menu every single week and from that menu, I then make the shopping list.
00:18:31
Speaker
And there are weeks where i'm like, I cannot put together another meal. I need you to come up with something, please, because I can't i can't do it anymore. And you bring up a really good point. I love that. I will say to my husband, just pick where we eat. And I'm really not the woman that's like, I want this certain place. Like it is such a small thing, but to me, it will like send me over the edge.
00:18:55
Speaker
Please just tell me where to eat. I'll do that sometimes when we're out together, like just all of us, even Steph, like, please make the, like, I make decisions for you guys all day. Where do you want to go to eat? Or do you want to do a walk today? Force me to go for a walk. Like, don't make me be the one to say it. Like, take it off my plate. Just make a decision.
00:19:14
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. You know, you get to that point where you just cannot make another decision. And men everywhere should be happy about that. Once you've tapped us out, I'm sorry, my phone's going off. Hold, please hold.
00:19:30
Speaker
Chris is a very popular person today. very popular person today. I should shut that off. That's bad. I'm just making sure everything's shut off now. um But yeah, husbands out there everywhere. You should be happy to know once you have tapped us out, you can go anywhere you want for dinner and we're not going to argue.
00:19:46
Speaker
Nope. Take us to a football game. We don't care. um So yeah, so you have to work through all of that. And then the emotional labor, which, you know, right? It's the job within the job.
00:19:59
Speaker
Because you're not just doing the thing. You're managing how everybody else feels while you have to do the thing. Well, yeah, because when your kids hit a wall or your kids need something, they come to you.
00:20:13
Speaker
even though dad might be sitting there, they come to you. It's your, right? You have to take your child's, you're taking your child's stress on. You are even, if it is something where, you know, they're in a fight with a friend or it's like, right? You're trying to be calm throughout and, and work on all of that. So you're taking all of that on.
00:20:35
Speaker
You are pretending not to be upset. um So your partner doesn't feel guilty. Right. Right. You're taking on all these jobs and you're trying to not go, look at me doing your garbage. Look at me.
00:20:47
Speaker
Like, and look at me mentally getting all the doctor's appointments. Right. Like, right. You're trying not to be this look at me person, but then, you know, cause you don't want your partner to feel guilty. Right.
00:20:58
Speaker
but You're getting a little bitter probably. Definitely. And for me, it it got to a point where I would, I would keep it all in, keep it all keep And then there, would I would reach that breaking point and I would lose my cool. On something that your husband's like, this is so insignificant. It's the salt shaker. And you're like, it, you know, it really isn't, but it's that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It builds and builds and builds until you just can't hold anymore. Yeah.
00:21:24
Speaker
Work, right? Being at work, trying to like cushion comments, like um for whatever, like say things to your boss. Like if you don't like something that I'm doing or I'm not doing something that you agree with, like having to hold that in, which you shouldn't, you know, you should be able constructively to tell your boss or any other employee, like if something's going on or you're feeling the atmosphere isn't good, but you're trying, you have a work atmosphere.
Invisible Labor in the Workplace
00:21:49
Speaker
So you're trying to keep the peace at work, right?
00:21:51
Speaker
Right. And so all of that is like an emotional, invisible load that people don't realize it is an invisible workload. Because you're also trying to get a step ahead going, well, if I do this, then that'll make this go this way.
00:22:07
Speaker
it's it's It's exhausting. And this is why we are exhausted sparrows. We are exhausted sparrows. So in the Managed Heart book, right?
00:22:19
Speaker
A sociologist in 1983 said, want to talk about workers and caregivers, that when we regulate our emotions to serve others,
00:22:32
Speaker
It is called empathic over functioning because we are carrying the emotional weight of everyone else.
00:22:43
Speaker
And we are trying to fix things that are absolutely unfixable. Like think about that. Mm-hmm. Everybody else's problems, we cannot fix. They physically have to fix their own problems.
00:22:59
Speaker
But sometimes we carry all of that weight as if we're the ones that can do it and we can't. Wow. Oh, wow. She goes, wow, she's writing as we speak. That's going to be podcast number 38 or i don't even know where we are at this point.
00:23:14
Speaker
But that's like the whole mental burden that is on us that is mostly invisible. And then of course, nobody's seeing it.
00:23:26
Speaker
That takes a toll on you too. Because whether you believe it or not, come on, Krista Jones right now is going to admit this. Whether I believe it or not, I want you to know I'm overworked, underpaid,
00:23:43
Speaker
demanded on by my children and my husband and and my dog. And i'm an emotional basket case. Like somewhere in there, you're like, does anybody see everything I do?
00:23:54
Speaker
It's, it's human nature. Yeah. Does anybody see it? Does anybody say thank you? Does anybody just say you're doing a good job? Never. You're juggling a lot. Thank you so much. Nope. No, it's burnout too.
00:24:06
Speaker
It's like chronic stress that no nap can fix. Maybe a nap with a mini cow. I was just going to say that. That, however, or just riding around on our mini cow. That might fix it too.
00:24:20
Speaker
But other than that, it's like a chronic stress that you you can't fix unless you come to Sparrows Ness and ride the miniature cows. And it's also, I saw something out of my corner my eye.
00:24:31
Speaker
It's identity erosion. That is forgetting who you are outside of being the helper and the fixer. Yeah. And I can, I can see that being a very prevalent problem for moms.
00:24:48
Speaker
Right. Because it's not like you want to take that on. It's not like that is your being. You weren't born as the fixer and the helper. But then you get in this season of your life where it is required of you quite
Resentment and Unacknowledged Workload
00:25:01
Speaker
a bit.
00:25:01
Speaker
Children, husbands, work, fixing, helping, fixing, helping. And now you have this identity that really, it's not your identity, but it's it is all you know. Yeah. You are mom, you are wife, you are homemaker.
00:25:16
Speaker
And then we have Chantel's favorite, resentment.
00:25:22
Speaker
Right? we we have... This resentment, you ah you you don't see what I have done and I'd like to pretend like it's not a big deal, but even though I'm saying it's not a big deal, it's a big deal.
00:25:38
Speaker
You know, even though I'm like, oh, no big deal. I mean, you know, you know when somebody says that to you and it really is a big deal, that passive aggressive and and you're like, uh-oh. Yeah, it's and for me, it's when those things become the expectation.
00:25:54
Speaker
You know, like the house is expected to be cleaned. The dinner is expected to be cooked. the The appointments are expected to be made where it's not it's not appreciated anymore.
00:26:06
Speaker
And it's not that it's not appreciated, but it's not acknowledged. taken for granted. Yes. Right? Because it's just done. Yes. It would be noticed if I didn't cook dinner for a week. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what I would say to younger people, you know, that are not married yet, that are starting relationships and stuff?
00:26:23
Speaker
That is a really big conversation that I really wish I would have had at the beginning. I just took the ah archaic role of i am a woman.
00:26:35
Speaker
I will work 40, 50, 60 hours a week. And then I will do all of my womanly motherhood, wifely duties. And I wish that I would have had really, really, you know, in-depth conversations in the beginning because we both work.
00:26:53
Speaker
Yeah. why So why does it fall on you? And it shouldn't. And maybe schedules and all right, I do one night, you do one night. Like, you know, I wish that at the beginning, you know, it right? Hindsight's 20, 20. And, you know, five, six, seven years in, I was like, oh, this stinks.
00:27:07
Speaker
But like, I don't know. I just kind of took on the role. My mom always did. I never really thought to have a conversation about it. And if I did, Christian would not take me for granted because we would have had this system worked out in the beginning, but we just never had to work out. and then seven years in when I'm bitter and I'm mad and I'm really resentful of you, you know, now like, you know, i'm the salt. The salt has just set me over the edge. I don't know. Yeah. It's led to ah some pretty interesting conversations in my household, but it has also led to the fact that, you know, if I cook, he does the dishes and, you know, once a week I will make a list of these are the things that need to get done. The garbage is the bathrooms, this, that, and the other thing. And it's a, it's a team effort. And now the kids are involved.
00:27:51
Speaker
Sure. And you know, I'm trying to tell the kids like, I am not your slave. You can put your own laundry away. You're old enough. You can scrub your own toilet. You're big enough. You know, like we're a team.
00:28:02
Speaker
Absolutely. You know, I, I led the ship long enough. Yeah. Now we're working together. We're working together. And you know, having that simple conversation is all that it might take. So why don't we have, we'll get into that too. Yeah.
00:28:14
Speaker
So the cost of, you know, doing things that are not being seen, you have resentment and burnout and this identity erosion and you get mental health hits.
00:28:26
Speaker
You get depression, you get anxiety. For me, I get really bad anxiety because I'm like, cause I know what my list looks like in my head. And I'm like, how in the world am I getting this done today?
00:28:39
Speaker
You're probably not. Yesterday it was a prime example here at work. I i mean, sometimes I notice because I've never been diagnosed, but I would say I'm definitely attention deficit disorder.
00:28:53
Speaker
And sometimes I notice I actually just shut down. If that list is too long and it's in my head and it is not on our handy dandy calendar that Chantel and I share, if it's not there because, right, it's just been crazy every day,
00:29:10
Speaker
I literally shut down yesterday for like three hours. Like she left me at whatever, two, three o'clock. And I'm like, I can't go home. I missed my appointment yesterday. i had to say to him, I got to reschedule because I had nothing done in the morning because I just shut down. I was so overwhelmed and so anxious. I was like, I'm not getting anything done. Where's my cow?
00:29:32
Speaker
Where is my cow? Let's put it on the to-do list. How much do you think a mini cow is? Probably more than we should spend. Maybe somebody wants to donate a mini cow.
00:29:44
Speaker
I mean, it would be good for therapy. Our cancer patients, people could come out and we'll even name the cow after you. i love that idea. Or the name of your choice. Yeah. Just not Krista or Chantel. We don't want the cow to be named after us. That would be confusing. It would be a little confusing. But other than that, yeah.
00:30:01
Speaker
So, and then loss of joy, right? Because life is now just your big to-do list. Not only is it your work to-do list where people see your production, but it's your invisible work list. It's now you are just made of a to-do list.
00:30:16
Speaker
You are a helper and a fixer and a to-doer. And that is it. That's all you are. Because you have you have no time for anything else now. Nope. That's sad. It is sad.
00:30:27
Speaker
And it's hard. And we need to change that. Yes, we do. And we're going to get into it. It's real though. The mental load burnout, you know, that they talk about is real. 2021 survey, because I do try to get some statistics in here that I really love.
00:30:41
Speaker
um From BMC Public Health, wherever that is, I'm not sure, linked high levels of invisible workload to significant emotional exhaustion, particularly in women, weight, and children.
00:30:57
Speaker
Ooh. twenty twenty one 2021, right after COVID, right after everything happened, right? Right after these children and their, you know, their regimes, their schedules, right after all of this completely was, the rug was just pulled under them.
00:31:15
Speaker
Children are now added to that list. Right. That's really sad. It is sad. Because kids shouldn't worry about anything but being kids. Kids should not. And we say it in every episode, right? so they're seeing what we're doing. And we're running around with chickens like our head's cut off, which I've never really witnessed a chicken with their head cut off. i don't want to see it. don't either. we're running around like that. And, you know, there's no peace.
00:31:38
Speaker
And our kids are just feeling like that's how it should be. That's how it was my own mom. And my mom did not work. Right? a 40 hour work week. My mom, you know, was home taking care of us and worked part-time jobs until we were older. And then she went full-time and I just watched her, you know, ah clean the house immaculate, like do all these things. And like, I just, i don't know. I thought that's what you're supposed to do.
00:32:02
Speaker
Yeah, it it it is generational. It has always been that, you know, the women clean the house, the women kick the dinner and take care of the kids and worry about the scheduling. and Right. You know, but that all started in a time where we weren't working 40 hours a week. True.
00:32:18
Speaker
And that was our only responsibility. True. But now you you need a two-income household. There's no way to get around it. Yeah. There's no way to get around Mm-mm. You know, so you know, you're in this, you're drowning, right? In this invisible workload. Right.
00:32:35
Speaker
And you just want someone to throw you a raft. But the problem is you're not talking about it. So nobody knows that you are overwhelmed and that you have all of this stuff going on.
00:32:49
Speaker
So that's what we just, we need to get into. I mean, it seems obvious that we have to lighten the load, but we just don't do
Recognizing and Naming the Invisible Load
00:33:00
Speaker
it.
00:33:00
Speaker
Right. So we have to talk about, we have to say it out loud. I think, I think that's like a big thing. We have to name it. We have to say, hi, I'm carrying a lot on my invisible workload right now.
00:33:15
Speaker
Like we just have to say it. We have to name it. I think we have to admit that we all have it. Right. Because I feel like then it validates that this invisible workload, because I think the word invisible tripped me up at first, but invisible doesn't mean it's not significant. yeah I think that's what it was for me.
00:33:37
Speaker
So, but then it names it and it it gives it significance. This invisible workload is there and it's strong and it's heavy and it's a real thing. So I think we just, we got to name it.
00:33:48
Speaker
And we got to figure out like, what do we have? Right. We got to inventory it. Like we, we have to write it down. Like, I don't know everything that we can think of. Like, what is the full picture? And then what can we give others to do?
00:34:03
Speaker
Cause we talk about this in a lot of our episodes, right? Like trying to release some things, right? That we don't have to own it all. We don't have to be in control of it all.
00:34:14
Speaker
We can ask for help. Yeah. So when we look at the big picture, we name it and then we like write it all out. Like what really, like, do we really have to have it all? The socks that are on the stairs and the dishwasher that's not unloaded and the garbage that you as the wife are taking out should be your husband's job.
00:34:34
Speaker
Do we have to have it all? no. no and And that's one thing I had to learn was to let some things go. That my house is not always going to look neat. Like I like it. And I have to accept that because it's either compromising and giving up the time with my children or cleaning the house.
00:34:52
Speaker
But that took me a while. And i I think it's because I grew up in a house where my house was always immaculate. My mother cleaned all the time. And I too felt that that was a requirement.
00:35:05
Speaker
You know, that I was going to be judged as it a bad housekeeper, as a bad mom, if my house was messy or dirty. And it took time to let that go. i did not take as much time as you did. i realized early on and my, my house is, it's lived in I don't want to say, you know, I mean, yeah, it gets messy.
00:35:29
Speaker
It's lived in And my mom had, and still probably has plenty to say about that. She's not thrilled, but I'm like, mom, at 40 hours of work out of this home to your plate,
00:35:44
Speaker
Like you can't compare what you did to to what I'm doing. And, and for me, I was kind of like, and you know, if my husband wants to make some comments, I turn on hoarders. I'm like, is my house that bad?
00:35:57
Speaker
Nobody are the rats. No, there aren't. Do you have a place to lay your head and it's not on garbage? Yeah, you do. And then he's like, Oh, that's what he knows. Like I've reached my breaking point.
00:36:08
Speaker
I'm like, no, look how bad it could be. That's not me. Yeah. hoarders Hoarders is a good one. i ah I'll have to use that if anybody ever makes me feel a certain type of way. I'll tell you what channel it's on and then you can use that.
00:36:22
Speaker
Letting balls drop. Not every task is glass. I thought that was so interesting. interesting I wrote that down. Some balls will bounce. Hmm. Not every ball that you drop is glass. Not every ball that you drop is earth shattering.
00:36:38
Speaker
Some balls will bounce right back. You can leave it till later. It's coming back. It will bounce back up. It is your low hanging fruit. You don't have to get to it right away.
00:36:49
Speaker
Kind of like Krista Jones needs to register for the Fort Lauderdale race that has been on our calendars for two months. It is still there. it is in November and I have plenty of time unless it sells out. Yeah. So let's get that done.
00:37:02
Speaker
I mean, maybe, but two months, it's my liloing fruit. Liloing fruit. I'm like, that does not sound right. That does not sound right.
00:37:13
Speaker
Yeah. Choose radical rest. That is the last one. Radical. Not 10 minutes, not 15 minutes. Choose radical rest. Take a full day off.
00:37:27
Speaker
Physically leave your workplace and your home and go to the beach. Physically leave your phone at home. Physically leave your children at home if you need to and your husband.
00:37:40
Speaker
That's a day ah But do what you need to do for radical rest. I love that word. So I i put it in there. I was like radical. Yeah. Because when I think radical, I think extreme.
00:37:52
Speaker
Like shut yourself off from the world. And I mean, listen, quarterly. I'm not saying every day, but do it a few times a year. Yeah. radical rest.
Conclusion: Self-Care and Letting Go
00:38:04
Speaker
And this is all supposed to help us. I don't know what you think about all this. Well, I mean, that sounds like, you know, really unplugging, but like plugging yourself in, like unplug all those other things so you can plug yourself in and fully charge you, which really is the whole premises behind this podcast, right? Living your most authentic life, giving yourself grace, making sure that you are taken care of in all of it. And knowing that like, it's a true thing.
00:38:32
Speaker
So we know that invisible load is real and it's not just how life is. It's the result of patterns and expectations and roles sometimes that nobody questions like Chantel said. They just take for granted you're going to do it. It's a weight that so many of us carry out of habit, love, guilt, fear. But the truth is you are allowed to set some of it down.
00:38:55
Speaker
If your brain has been running background apps since 2002, maybe it's time to hit the force quit on a few of them. Try this. Say no without writing a novel this week.
00:39:08
Speaker
Ask for help and don't apologize for it. Let something be good enough instead of being perfect. You don't need to earn rest. You don't need to prove your exhaustion. You're not a machine that's built to carry the weight of the entire household or the entire office or even the entire relationship.
00:39:27
Speaker
Here's the big one though. You're not failing. Until next time, protect your energy like it's vintage wine. Remember, you don't have to do all things to be worthy of love or rest or peace.
00:39:40
Speaker
You just have to be. and you already are. Exhausted Sparrows Unites. You can find out more about what we do sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:39:51
Speaker
Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.