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00:00:01
When Being Strong Doesn’t Feel Like a Choice Anymore
39 Plays1 day ago
You’re the one everyone leans on. The one who gets it done. Who keeps it moving. But behind the capable smile and the perfectly timed “I’m fine,” you're running on fumes. In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on what it really means to be “the strong one” — the emotional weight, the invisible expectations, and the silent burnout that comes with it.
Let’s talk about the exhaustion of being everyone’s anchor while silently sinking. And more importantly, how we can give ourselves permission to fall apart, rest, ask for help, and redefine what strength really means.
-What We’ll Dive Into:
*The Myth of Strength
Why being seen as "the strong one" often means being invisible in your own pain — and how this myth gets built early and reinforced often.
*The Emotional Toll
What it actually costs to hold it all together: physically, mentally, emotionally. Hint: It's not just burnout — it's soul fatigue.
*Mental Load & Emotional Labor
Why your brain never shuts off, even when your body does. Juggling everyone's needs while silently ignoring your own.
*The Silence of Survival Mode
How constantly coping keeps people from noticing you’re not okay — and why it’s so hard to ask for help when you’re “the one who always handles it.”
*Redefining Strength
Real strength isn’t pretending you’re fine — it’s being honest, setting boundaries, and asking for support without shame.
*Making Space for Softness
Steps toward releasing the armor, letting others in, and giving yourself permission to be tired — without guilt.
Recommended
Transcript
The Illusion of Strength
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I am your host, Krista Jones, with my co-host, Chantelle Schaefer. And today, we're going to talk about some wild things. You know what's wild? it's It's kind of wild when people just like look at you, handling everything, smiling through the chaos, showing up for everybody and saying, ha, ha, ha.
00:00:27
Speaker
I've got this, I'm strong. And you're nodding and you're smiling and you know what's wild about all that, Chantel? What's that? You're screaming inside. Because you're anything but. it's i mean, it's not because you're weak, but because being strong is also a full-time job that we didn't apply for.
00:00:44
Speaker
You keep it together for the kids, you're juggling the bills, you're juggling broken hearts and birthday cupcakes, you're running triage on everybody's life. You're rewarding people. You're moving mountains and getting raises and promotions and new business.
00:01:02
Speaker
And guess what?
Cultural Expectations vs. Reality
00:01:04
Speaker
What do you do when the strong one falls apart? Today we're going to talk about that, that silent burn, the exhaustion that doesn't look dramatic, but it is sitting like a brick in your chest.
00:01:15
Speaker
This is for all of you pretend to hold it together because you think strong is the new sexy.
00:01:28
Speaker
Even strong people, Chantel Schaefer, need a break at times. I think strong people need breaks more than people who aren't strong all the time. But I think that most of us at some point in our life or another fake that we are strong because there is a myth surrounding that that we're supposed to be.
00:01:53
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. And it, I know we usually say this and we shouldn't, but it's usually the women that are supposed to be the strong ones and holding it all together. Well, right. I think we're definitely supposed to hold it all together. I think men don't show their emotions at all because, you know, they, you know, just believe ah that that makes them weak.
00:02:14
Speaker
And I think we are control freaks and end up doing it all And for us, that is the way that we prove just how strong we are. Load more onto my plate. I can handle it.
00:02:26
Speaker
Yeah. You know, it makes me think of um the movie Encanto, the one sister, Louisa, who's the strong one. And she sings this song called Under Pressure, or I think it's Under Pressure something. Under Pressure. No, it's something about how um it's it's it goes, give it to your sister, she can take it.
00:02:45
Speaker
And it's about how everybody gives their stuff to her because she's the strong one and how she's going to crack and
The Role of Social Media and Cultural Narratives
00:02:52
Speaker
she's going to break. And when I heard it, I looked at my kids and said, this is mommy's song.
00:02:57
Speaker
This is a song about mommy. Everybody gives it to mommy because I'm the one. And one day I'm going to break. And when I do... you're going to remember that it was ah amongst a flying pile of donkeys. Cause that's what happens in the movie. There are donkeys.
00:03:11
Speaker
Now I have to watch the movie. I don't even, all right. I'm writing it down as we speak. Being strong. It is like the thing, right? You don't show weakness.
00:03:23
Speaker
You have to do it all. You have to do it all well. We talked on a previous podcast. If you're new to this, hi, welcome. Thank you for joining us. ah The podcast, the previous one, right before this one, we were talking about the invisible workload that we have, right?
00:03:40
Speaker
And what I was saying is just because we're using the word in invisible, doesn't mean that it's not heavy, that it's not there, that it's not important.
00:03:54
Speaker
And it's kind of like, to me, the word strong, which is why we kind of went from one past podcast to the other, because i also feel with the word strong like like We don't talk about it. It is there.
00:04:13
Speaker
the It's this persona. It's this personality trait that we're supposed to always display on the outside, but inside, right? The invisible inside where nobody can seize.
00:04:26
Speaker
None of that is like the outside. which is the whole reason that we did this podcast. Because we said, people don't live authentically. Social media is a lot to blame for that now because, you know, everybody's trying to outdo each other.
00:04:38
Speaker
We're all trying to keep up with the Joneses, not Kristen, Christian Jones, I might say, because you might be disappointed, but everybody's trying to keep up with the next person. And so this is just another way that we are not living authentically because we believe, you know, in this myth that...
00:04:58
Speaker
Glorifying strength is something we should do at the expense of our well-being, our physical well-being and our mental well-being. Yeah. I mean, one of the most popular phrases in being a woman is I'm a strong, independent woman.
00:05:12
Speaker
Right. But why? And what does that mean? and and and and and And what does strong have to mean? Does strong have to mean that you have it all together? Does strong mean, you know, you can lift 200 pounds over your head? Like strong can be like this different word for everybody.
00:05:27
Speaker
Yeah. And it's it's a powerful word. And, you know, it is, you know, ah a word I would say for the most part, That brings, i don't know what I'm looking for to say, right? right Positive thoughts, people.
00:05:42
Speaker
But i and if you use it and it's not true, it's really detrimental to everything about you. And it all starts like with cultural programming, which, and as you said, especially for women and caregivers,
The Burden of Mischaracterization
00:05:55
Speaker
right? Caregivers as well.
00:05:56
Speaker
We are taught early that when you're strong, you know, you're noble. Weakness is, you know, shameful. And as women, we are laid, like you said, we are told to to gather all of the mental things that are going on around the people around us and put it on our own shoulders, right?
00:06:18
Speaker
Because we can handle it. And then there's also like this invisible metal, I think that, you know, we get like, they can handle it all.
00:06:32
Speaker
Look at Chantel. She needs no help. We've talked about this in previous podcasts, like asking for help. um You know, she doesn't have panic attacks and insomnia.
00:06:42
Speaker
And meanwhile, you know, 3am, you know, you're up like Melting. Sending reels about donkeys. Melting. Sending reels to me about donkeys. Donkeys and miniature cows. We love both of those. If anybody wants to gift one to the charity, sparrowsnestcharity.org. In case you don't know what we do, we feed cancer patients and they would love to have a therapy donkey or miniature cow.
00:07:11
Speaker
Please. Send help. The strong friend dynamic, right? When we're talking about being strong, are you that person that everybody goes to because you can handle it, right? like Like, I think what I'm trying to say is this strong persona that we then put off makes everybody think that we can handle it all.
00:07:32
Speaker
So they're they're throwing it all to us. Like, therere we are mischaracterizing ourself, right? Yeah. Because... we're really telling people we don't have any emotional needs.
00:07:47
Speaker
Like we got it, give it all to us. and And then of course that's what people do. And then, you know, what do we do? We have that resentment thing that we talk about in almost every episode because again, we're not living authentically.
00:07:59
Speaker
So being the strong one, I mean, it sounds like a compliment until you realize it's now made you invisible. Right? Yeah, it's ah it's a dangerous, slippery slope that you're you're taking all of this on. And and I've found that i I do tend to be that person where people feel I'm a safe person to talk to and I'm a good listener and I, you know, I give guidance but not try to fix your problems kind of a thing.
00:08:25
Speaker
um But the moment I try to reciprocate and look for that help in some of those people, i become a burden. You know, it's not a two way street in a lot of these relationships when you're the strong one.
00:08:38
Speaker
You may have to find better friends. Yeah. Well, there's a reason I don't have too many. You have me. You talk to me. You can. But, um you know, I think too, for me, um very early on in our marriage, Christian worked a lot and I worked a lot. I worked like we worked opposite shifts. Yeah.
00:08:58
Speaker
So I just kind of had to do a lot of things on my own. I was kind of like, um you know, writing solo, like, you know, he would work during the day, i would work at night, I would DJ weddings, I would DJ parties, I would do weekends, he would be home. So it was kind of, you know, two ships passing in the night. But because of that, right, it led me to some kind of like weird independence thing.
00:09:19
Speaker
And then, you know, I wouldn't ask him for help taking out the garbage or I wouldn't ask him to change my oil or, you know, he wouldn't be the guy that would say, Hey babe, your oil is a thousand miles
Breaking the Cycle of False Strength
00:09:32
Speaker
overdue. I'm going to go bring it to you.
00:09:34
Speaker
And I ended up really resenting that. And, you know, we had a conversation about this years ago and he's like, you created this. You didn't want my help. You would bring the groceries in all by yourself and I would come out there to help you. And you'd have 11 bags because there's no way i'm taking two trips.
00:09:51
Speaker
Amen. Preach it to the choir. I'm not taking two trips. no And he'd be like, you have created this monster. And now resentment. Now you're mad at me that, you know, your friend told you that, Oh, my husband, every 2000 miles checks my car.
00:10:07
Speaker
And I'm like, what? My husband doesn't even know where my oils locate. You know what I mean? And he's like, but you created this. You have always led me to believe that you don't need any help. yeah and And it's a lonely place to be, I feel.
00:10:20
Speaker
I don't have a lot of friends either. All these people think I'm just so strong. And when you don't feel that you have anybody you can go to, right? Because now it's this vicious cycle. I have nobody to go to. Well, of course I don't because I'm not, you know, I've never gone to you before. So you think I'm strong and now I'm blaming you because I don't feel I can go to you because...
00:10:40
Speaker
I don't feel that, you know, I can be vulnerable. Like it is just this vicious psycho. But at the end of the day, we've created it in this need to come across as strong. We have created all this mischaracterization about who we really are because we're just not being authentic.
00:11:01
Speaker
Wow. I don't, I, that just took me. Where did transport it take you It just transported me to a bad place of what I've done. Well, i listen, as we do with every episode, we kind of talk at the end, which k Christy Jones always, you know, I always talk about it. And then I try to go, what was in that episode last week that I'm supposed to be doing right now to get out of this?
00:11:24
Speaker
But we will give you tips in ways that we can stop doing this. and we're doing the episode together, we see each other like 87 hours a week. We can just be like, you're doing it again. yeah but that was just like one of those moments where he just held up a mirror and I just saw myself in it.
00:11:40
Speaker
Because we're we're not authentic. If we're saying we're strong, that's not authentic. but Nobody can be strong all the time. We all have emotions. And then to be strong, you have to stifle those emotions. So you're not being your real self.
00:11:51
Speaker
And eventually you're hardcore. Like, you know, emotions don't come as easy to you. You're not, you know, crying in front of other people, you know, and we bring this stuff back to childhood. Some of us were told, don't cry. You're a sissy baby.
00:12:06
Speaker
You're not a sissy I have to tell you, my cousin Gail listens to these episodes and she called me after the last one. She said, Uncle George said that to you when you were seven?
00:12:18
Speaker
And I'm like, I keep forgetting that even though my mom and dad just have no idea what a podcast is, my family listens to these and can rap me out at any time. So unpacking strength, right?
00:12:33
Speaker
What is it? What is it? What isn't it? What is it? What is it not? Is that proper English? It might be. but I'm not really sure.
00:12:45
Speaker
False strength. So our false security of strength, I'm reading this now, is silence, hyper-independence, needing to do it alone.
00:12:56
Speaker
that's That's what we believe. Some of us believe that, right? Like I am stoic. I am super-duper independent. Krista Jones, who now her husband won't change her oil on her car. but they're changing tires in the middle of road It's digressed or real strength. So real strength is knowing that you can, and you should ask for help and actually physically saying it's just too much. I have to ask for help. Right?
00:13:22
Speaker
Yeah.
Generational Cycles and Physical Toll
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah. There's, there's strength and vulnerability. Okay. Fear of softness, right? Like that's a fear of softness. We are afraid to be soft. We confuse vulnerability with weakness.
00:13:35
Speaker
Hmm. I like how we play off of each other. That was a great point. thats That was smooth. We're getting the hang of this 37,000 episodes in. It might be because we spend so much time together. We do. It's true.
00:13:46
Speaker
So being open is actually brave. It's not that we're we're weak. Being open is actually being strong. Being able to put your feelings out there like and be vulnerable about that, that is a strength.
00:14:01
Speaker
Because nobody wants to be rejected. All of us care what other people think. So for those of you that are able to be vulnerable, kudos to you. Come over here and cry a little bit and talk to me. Gold star, gold star, platinum star.
00:14:17
Speaker
Survival mode thriving, right? So that's another thing. We are trying to manage, you said this earlier, everybody else's emotions. That is not a personality trait. Right?
00:14:29
Speaker
I learned this in therapy. That is a trauma response.
00:14:37
Speaker
Back to childhood. Back to childhood. That is a trauma response. You're trying to manage everyone else's emotions and keep everybody's status quo.
00:14:49
Speaker
Somewhere in there, it could be possible that it wasn't done for you. Your parents weren't places that you could go if you were sad or lonely.
00:14:59
Speaker
In my case, my poor parents, listen to me, my parents are good people. My parents are good people. They are. They just, you know, my grandparents grew up in World War I and two Was my mom and dad born during that or after that? I can't remember. 40? No, they were 60s.
00:15:16
Speaker
Anyways. They, my mom did not know how to talk to me or have me talk to her because her mom and dad were very stoic. It's just the life she lived.
00:15:31
Speaker
We didn't talk about anything. We didn't talk about the birds and the bees. I never heard a conversation. We didn't talk about boys. We didn't talk about friends. I ate my feelings and I was overweight. We didn't talk about the fact that I was overweight.
00:15:45
Speaker
We didn't even talk about the fact that I was bullied like for 12 years of my life. Like we talked about nothing. And now when my therapist years ago said that to me, she's like, this is your trauma response. This is you now.
00:16:02
Speaker
She's like, you're trying to be for everybody else what you could not be for yourself. And I was like, I could cry just thinking about that poor little Krista years and years ago.
00:16:13
Speaker
Poor little Krista. And if you're listening now in Argentina, thank you for listening. I love that we've got people in Spain, Italy, Argentina. Like this is so amazing. Wherever you're listening now, like if you are a little Krista,
00:16:29
Speaker
You can get out of that and you can be better for your own kids because we talk about that also at every episode, this generational thing that we can break cycles and show our children how to be behave.
00:16:40
Speaker
But we don't have to manage anybody else's emotions but our own. And guess what? We're not managing our emotions at all if we're saying we're strong. Let's just, let's get to the bottom of ourselves. Forget everybody else.
00:16:54
Speaker
Everybody else can manage their emotions. Everybody else can be like, all right. Like if you're like, it's enough for today. Chantel's going in the corner. I got to take care of myself. Everybody else needs to respect that Chantel.
00:17:08
Speaker
you you You shouldn't have to handle everybody else's emotions. And like, it I think it really is a thing. I think in your life, at some point, if you were not, relationships with your husband, relationships with your best friends, relationships with your parents, your siblings, if you were not getting those emotions, if you weren't able to get them out and get those dealt with, you're not trying to help everybody else because you were never able to do that for yourself.
00:17:34
Speaker
That's a... That's heavy. That's really, really deep. It is. And it's a trauma response that you really have to get into the core of your own self. You know, so...
00:17:46
Speaker
I feel for me getting into my 40s was ah time ah where I started reassessing my life and who my friends were and who I was hanging around and what I wanted to be. and and And I got to a point where it took a toll on my health.
00:18:06
Speaker
um And it really was during the charity years. We have a charity here in the Hudson Valley in New York. We feed individuals and families that have a cancer diagnosis.
00:18:18
Speaker
And um i when I started the charity, i all it was just Beth and I, Beth, my um financial director. It was just the two of us that started it. And so a lot kind of fell on our plates.
00:18:33
Speaker
And then there was a lot of sadness and heaviness. And I had so much insight because I'm like, I need to be the strong person for all these people that of course have trauma or falling apart, cancer diagnoses, awful things that my right foot started to drag and I couldn't swallow.
00:18:56
Speaker
And you as a speech therapist, you My first thought was, oh my gosh, do I have ALS? Like I was petrified.
Emotional Invisibility and Resentment
00:19:06
Speaker
I was like, oh my gosh, my right foot is dragging. I'm not able to swallow.
00:19:10
Speaker
and went to a neurologist. I had to run a bunch of tests, scans, MRIs. there's There's lesions on my brain. So they had me do all of these things, swallowing tests. And um he came back to me and he's like, it is not ALS. And he's like, I think it's stress.
00:19:27
Speaker
Wow. And I was like, really? And he goes, you can have lesions because of stress. I was like, really? So he's like, are you stressed at all? And I go, well, you know, I'm doing this and I'm doing that. And he's like, you're being strong for like all these people. And i had little babies running around, you know, like my kids were like seven, six and four. I was going to a radio station in the morning, nursing them, you know, during the morning show. Like it was chaotic. And he's like, I think you are not being vulnerable and you're not like you're holding it all in and you're not letting it all go. And that's really when I started doing some therapy and stuff. And he, and um he's like, this absolutely is like manifesting into like these ALS symptoms where,
00:20:12
Speaker
MS, like we didn't know what it was. i was like, oh my gosh, what is happening? But that is a sign that just shows you how holding those emotions in and then pretending to be something you're not, which I still do, I'm sure, um can lead to actual physical problems.
00:20:32
Speaker
That's really scary. It is scary, but it also taught me i have to have an outlet. And I mean, I don't have great outlets. Chantel, I know you're laughing on the inside because you're like, but is this, this, this whole, you know, sometimes you have to learn the hard way and you know, heart attacks and all of these things are a result of you being strong, keeping it in, not seeing doctors like strong, strong means a lot of things.
00:20:59
Speaker
I'm fine physically when you're really not physically and you need to go for checks and all of this stuff happens. Kind of made me realize can be strong and I can be sad. I can be brave and I can be broken.
00:21:12
Speaker
Right? Like I had to start going like, I can be high functioning and still need help. I can run a charity as a a founder, CEO, whatever my title is, and still need help doing it.
00:21:29
Speaker
Yeah. And there's strength in that. That's a strong personality trait to... Is that the right word i'm looking for? that's a No. That's a strong thing to accept. Well, to you know, I think we all have to realize...
00:21:45
Speaker
We can't and shouldn't do it all. We say it in almost every episode. Cognitively, you cannot do it all well, right? And you don't have enough space to hold it all anyways. And then when you put all of this in, we were talking about invisible work in the last episode. If you didn't catch that, you definitely should listen to that one because both of us were like, wow.
00:22:05
Speaker
But all of that stuff without releasing any of it really leads to a lot of mental and physical problems. issues, right?
00:22:16
Speaker
So when you're like white knuckling your way through life, it's not strength, it's endurance and endurance has a shelf life. Yeah, it does. Anyone will tell you that. Yep. It's true, right?
00:22:28
Speaker
Yeah. You can only push for so long until you end up breaking. So signs that you're tired of being strong. Like how do you know when you're like at your capacity and you've got to let something go?
00:22:41
Speaker
Chronic resentment. I look at Chantel when I say this, because we talk about poor Jeremiah, her husband in every episode and how he spilled the salt and then he was in the doghouse for two weeks.
00:22:54
Speaker
No, that's not how it happened. But chronic resentment, you love your people, but also low key, you're looking for a pillow. Oh, well, that's that's the snoring at night.
00:23:07
Speaker
That's the pillow. Okay, that's not bad. No, but like it's, you know, piggybacking off of the last episode with that that invisible workload, um I got resentful because I wasn't getting any help. And my husband would go, well, you're not asking for help. And to me, you know the bathroom needs to be cleaned. You know the laundry needs to be done. You know the vacuum. Yeah.
00:23:26
Speaker
Those are things that need to be done. I shouldn't have to ask. So I got resentful because in his brain, he figured I had it all because I wasn't asking for help. And because you were strong, right? Because I was being strong. Like, right? Like, that's the thing. yes Like, he thinks you have it all because you're strong. Yep. And if I'm not asking for help, but I obviously don't need it.
00:23:46
Speaker
We have like nine podcasts rolled into one right here. Like nine of our episodes are all coming together in this strong segment because right, he thinks you have it all together. And then I'm resentful because I'm not getting help, but I also am acting like I don't need help.
00:24:01
Speaker
Which leads me to the invisible, the emotional invisibility, invisibility, emotional invisibleness.
00:24:12
Speaker
Mm-hmm. what I want to say there, but it's when nobody's asking you how you are. You know why? Well, you train them not to, right? Nobody's asking how I am. I get ticked off. I feel like i am superwoman.
00:24:24
Speaker
i am doing like a million jobs and nobody's like, are you okay? What can I do to get it off your plate? And I'm mad at that. Now I'm mad. But guess what? I trained you not to ask me because you've asked 58 times and I'm like, I'm good. I'm fine. It's fine. Everything is fine. i have the shirt, seven different colors. We've talked about it. People come back to the kitchen.
00:24:46
Speaker
ah Can I help you? I mean, there are dishes piled everywhere. I'm like, we got it. We do not have it. k Krista Jones is lying through her teeth. I don't have it I'm to be here until five in the morning. And then guess what? going to be mad at you because you didn't stay.
00:24:59
Speaker
But I told you I was fine. yeahp Man, that's messed up. It is messed up because we do it to ourselves and then we blame everybody else Yes. We just screwed ourselves in the process because there are a lot of nice people in the world that just want to help.
00:25:12
Speaker
Quiet collapse. You're crying in the shower. Right? Yep. Been there. You're making yourself smaller. You think about vanishing. you you You now don't see your self-worth because nobody's asking you how you are.
00:25:28
Speaker
no you know Nobody loves you. Nobody cares about you. know No, no, no. The root of this is you have set that mischaracterization of your personality and it isn't true. And that is the root of all of it.
00:25:40
Speaker
People love you. They just think you don't need anything because you're strong and you need help, which was another podcast episode.
Burnout and the Need for Self-Care Rituals
00:25:48
Speaker
And you have invisible work.
00:25:51
Speaker
Man, they're all coming together in this one. Hyper control. We haven't talked about this one yet. This will be a podcast in itself as well. And when I say podcast, I really mean an episode within the podcast.
00:26:03
Speaker
You micromanage everything because if I don't do it, it won't get done. Well, yeah, because everybody thinks you're strong and you keep telling them that you're fine. Yep.
00:26:14
Speaker
Or you do it because you don't think anybody's going to do it as well as you. I mean, that is true here sometimes. But I am, be honest, I feel that I've given you quite a lot.
00:26:25
Speaker
Oh, yeah. And I'm trying really hard not to check on it. I'm talking more at home. I'm just thinking here too when you said that. But yeah, 100% home, not home. It doesn't matter. You're strong. You think you can do it better too because you're so strong. Yeah.
00:26:39
Speaker
Just saying. And then compassion fatigue. You still care, but there's no cast left in your empathy tank.
00:26:49
Speaker
Man, I don't, I think I should be more of a listener than a contributor on this podcast because you're just speaking to my soul. There's just a mirror and it says Chantel. It sure does. But it's true, right? Like I noticed that for me, that is my sign that something has to change that I have to take a break.
00:27:11
Speaker
I have to delegate whatever it is. I am a very empathetic person and that is exhausting. And I would love to spend an episode. Listen, let let me just break in here to say There were these sweet guys that were going to start editing our podcast. And I'm like, but if you edit them, we're not authentic.
00:27:38
Speaker
So you will hear all our mistakes through the podcast. We edit nothing. I want to do an empathy episode too at one point because that is exhausting as well.
00:27:49
Speaker
But that is how I know that something is wrong. That is how I know that I've been too strong for too many people is when all of a sudden I start dulling in my caring senses because I am an overcarer.
00:28:02
Speaker
I care for you and worry about you and think of you because I love you. My friends, my runners, like the cancer patients that we serve, my family, like my post office lady, she's so sweet. If she got out of her car the other day and she was limping a little and I couldn't get out there in time, I was worried.
00:28:23
Speaker
But when that starts dulling for me, it is a sign that I've got to step back. I'm just i'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of hearing your problems. And I don't want to be that way because I like to be a loving person. yeah But it is a sign like your gas tank is getting empty. You need to let go of the pedal, maybe cruise for a little bit. Yeah, there's a book. I bought it for my kids.
00:28:46
Speaker
They were going through, you know, and kids go through those emotional phases where there highs and lows. and And it was called How Full Is Your Bucket? And it's about how you can't give if your bucket is empty.
00:28:59
Speaker
Like if you, you know, if you would picture yourself as a bucket of water, if there's no water in there, you can't give water to anybody who else, you know? and how are you surviving when you have no water in your bucket?
00:29:09
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I've heard it. I don't think it was a water bucket scenario, but it was like something like that. Like you, when you have nothing left to give, then what?
00:29:22
Speaker
So why do we struggle to let go? Right? Because we have this guilt, this fear, this identity, it's all wrapped up in us being strong, right? We're we're the strong one. So I don't know. Why do you have a fear of letting go?
00:29:38
Speaker
Because I'm afraid it's all going to fall apart. who will take over? Who's going to take over when this all falls apart? Yup. And maybe it's a little bruising to our ego to know, so what if it falls apart?
00:29:53
Speaker
Sometimes like I feel that too. Like, you know, I'm like, what the and I can't remember one of my girlfriends, I was taking a walk and she's like, all right. And so what? And I was like, well,
00:30:07
Speaker
I don't know, like like it kind of stopped me. I was like, yeah, like, I mean, I guess if none of this really does happen, what is the worst thing that's gonna happen? If it doesn't get done, if it falls apart, so what?
People-Pleasing and Accepting Help
00:30:21
Speaker
Fear of judgment. Because, right, a lot of us feel, well, if I don't do it, if I can't take it on, if I admit I can't handle it, people are going to think differently. yeah People will think I'm a fraud. Or he a failure. Or a failure. The F words. There's a lot of F words today.
00:30:38
Speaker
Lots of F words. You're a failure. Yeah. And we don't want to be a failure.
00:30:46
Speaker
just each other right now. We are the mirrors. really Yeah. There's a lot going on here. People pleasing. Here's me. And I don't, i hope I'm not a martyr complex, but I think my mom is.
00:31:00
Speaker
Do you think I'm any martyr? You can say it on the show. i mean, this is where you can pick me apart a little bit. If you think I've got a little martyr in me, don't if I'd say martyr, but like you have a hard time saying no if somebody asks for help.
00:31:12
Speaker
So my mom is a little bit different, I've learned over the years. I shouldn't have said my mom. I should have pretended it was just an anonymous friend. because My mom will do it, but then I'll kind of hear about it. The resentfulness for doing it.
00:31:25
Speaker
Like, like...
00:31:29
Speaker
yeah poor mom, I'm not even going to give any examples, but you know, sometimes you learn or from generations that your worth comes from being useful, right?
00:31:44
Speaker
Or telling people how much you're doing. You know what I mean? Like my mom will be like, Oh, I got to cook for the neighbors today. And, you know, she's she's annoyed.
00:31:55
Speaker
And she's like, you know, Betsy has cancer. And got to cook again. And I'm like, no, but no, you don't. You know what I mean? So, like, that's kind of that little, that martyr thing, right? Like, you're going to do it all. And then you're resentful that you're doing it all.
00:32:10
Speaker
I definitely am people pleasing. it's Definitely. You are too, though. am. Like people pleasing. Like I don't know how to say no, which was also a podcast. I have a hard time saying no, but I'm trying really hard.
00:32:25
Speaker
You're, you know, you only have so many yeses that you can give to. And every yes to somebody is a no to something else. You should make your your yeses things, you know, that are important to you.
00:32:37
Speaker
um But yeah, people pleasing. So being strong and like, yeah, just that's all. bake another cake. Like add it to my plate. I'm strong. I got it. I think that's also why it's so hard sometimes to let go, but we have to let go. So the healing needs to start today, Chantal. It does. Today. Today.
00:32:59
Speaker
So first of all, you have to learn to name your needs. So in the last episode, we were talking about like, naming all of the the invisible workload you have. You have to put a name to your stuff. So if you put a name to your needs, right? Like not waiting until you're in meltdown mode, but finding out what your needs are and starting to ask as you need immediately, not waiting,
00:33:28
Speaker
Little things. It doesn't have to be huge things, but getting little things off your plate is also going to then allow you the time to get to bigger things. Like if you're a micromanager and you just got to do it, all right, pick the really big things.
00:33:40
Speaker
Low-lying flute, which I love to say, and now i called it flute.
00:33:46
Speaker
I wish I had a... We have a lot of these great sound effects, guys, and I don't really remember where they are, but like I can hit something. It's the third one.
00:33:59
Speaker
Isn't that fun? i don't think we have a flu with those Chantel. See, ADD. I'm going to talk about that one segment too. What was I saying? Low-lying fruit. Yeah. Like all of that stuff, give that stuff to other people.
00:34:11
Speaker
Accepting help without guilt, which we talked about in our help podcast. Like accept the help. You're still strong. You got accept the help. Let people show up for you because they want to. And then we're going to get in situations like Chantel has said this story quite a few times.
00:34:25
Speaker
Jeremiah, complimenting her, telling her he has it, my husband saying, hey, I'll help you with the groceries, me saying no, no, no, no. no no no When you do that, people are going to stop showing up.
00:34:37
Speaker
They want to show up. Until you tell them no enough times, then all of a sudden they're like, she's got it. I'm tired of hearing the word no. And then you're going to be resentful that they're not offering.
Rest and Recovery as Essential Strength
00:34:47
Speaker
This is why these episodes all come together.
00:34:50
Speaker
It really is a vicious cycle. It really is. Unlearning the hustle culture. I said the word culture, funny. Rest is not earned. How many times do we say, if I just get all of this done, then I can go on vacation.
00:35:07
Speaker
If I just get all of this done, then I can go home. Rest is not earned. It's a human need. It's not a luxury. It is a human need. it your work If you are at work for eight hours a day and you don't live in Spain where you can get a siesta, all of you Spain people listening, I'd love to come and visit you.
00:35:23
Speaker
If you don't get a siesta from 12 until two, You work your eight hour day. You haven't earned your rest. You need your rest. Like we don't need to earn it.
00:35:34
Speaker
We need it. Yeah. And that doesn't make you weak. exactly You're still strong. And you're stronger. it is like Chantel and I go on runs. So part of what we do is fundraising here at Sparrows Nest.
00:35:47
Speaker
And you can join us on these amazing destination runs, right? It's the best. It is the absolute best. We would love for you to do that. SparrowsNestCharity.org. But we have realized when we are doing half marathons, sometimes you should not run all 13 miles. i run a couple minutes, walk a minute. And guess what?
00:36:08
Speaker
I am stronger when I go back to running because I've rested. You need that rest. And you know, mentally i started out as as a straight runner. Yeah. And by the time I hit 13 miles, I was dead on my feet. I'm talking, I would have to go home and I would sleep. I'd crash out for most of the day.
00:36:26
Speaker
And I didn't want to do the walk run. Cause I was like, well, that doesn't make me a runner. That doesn't make me strong. That makes me look weak. Let me tell you, i feel so much better and faster when I take those little incremental breaks.
00:36:41
Speaker
And it doesn't make me not a runner. It makes me a better runner because I listen to my body. I listen to myself. 100%. And I finish strong. 100%. And the people that that made these, you know, walk, run programs are professional runners.
00:36:57
Speaker
I mean, and you know, if they can do, if they're telling me that it can be done, you're professional telling me this is how you run, i am all in. You've got to take those rest breaks. And then rituals of recovery, whatever that means for you. Some people meditate.
00:37:12
Speaker
Some people scream into the void. That's Krista Jones. Cancel stuff, take naps. I don't know. Crochet. cro Oh, you do love to crochet. de crochet I love to cook.
00:37:22
Speaker
You love to crochet. Maybe set your email to just a reply that says not today. Like how cute. Not today. Get behind me, Satan. Not today. No, don't say that. Don't say that.
00:37:34
Speaker
Probably not tomorrow. But like, whatever. Put up an auto-reply for four hours. Whatever. We're talking about this. there is There are so many themes that are repetitive in these episodes that I really hope you're kind of getting the groove of this.
00:37:47
Speaker
That this whole rest and needing help and all of this is all part of what we need to do to be our authentic self. What do you think about all that? You know, I started putting my phone on do not disturb. but ah love that for you.
00:38:00
Speaker
And I, I used to be a person who had to answer every time the phone rang. I felt like I was letting you down if I didn't answer. And, you know, I realized that sometimes the phone call needs to wait for my wellbeing, especially because like I said, I'm one of those people that, that people dish on dish, dish, dish dishes. And there are sometimes I look at the phone and go, nope, I can't do it right now. I just can't do it.
00:38:24
Speaker
And i I originally thought like that's making me weaker because I'm not being strong for you by not picking up the phone. But I realized that I needed to be strong for myself at that point and protect my peace.
00:38:35
Speaker
Well, and let's bring in another episode, boundaries, right? you Listen, you also can't be the friend. We all have those friends that do nothing but dump on us too.
00:38:46
Speaker
You've got to set boundaries with them as well. You can be strong. You know, you should listen to your friends' issues and problems and stuff and, you know, talk to them and help them work it out. But you have to have boundaries in all of this. It doesn't mean you're a strong person. You're very strong for setting boundaries because so many of us are afraid to do
Embracing Authentic Strength
00:39:03
Speaker
it.
00:39:03
Speaker
We're people pleasers. But at the end of the day... I thought this was an amazing podcast. I had a lot of fun because sometimes when you're holding the roof up for so long, it is no wonder that your arms are tired and maybe you've started believing that if you stop, everything's going to fall apart. But what if it doesn't? Like we were saying earlier, what if it doesn't? What if the world doesn't need perfection? What if it just needs humanity?
00:39:29
Speaker
What if people who love you don't even consider that strength? What if your honesty is actually the strain? You weren't born to be a superhero. You were just born to be you.
00:39:41
Speaker
So let's give you this gentle send off. Rest now. Don't fix everything. don't smile through it. Certainly you can be strong and soft at the same time.
00:39:55
Speaker
You can be the one that holds space and falls apart You're allowed to be a story that is still unfolding. And the strongest chapter, well, that's the one where you finally stop running around and let yourself be seen.
00:40:09
Speaker
Tired, messy, human, authentic. This is Exhausted Sparrows Unite. Check us out at sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:40:20
Speaker
Until next time, be kind to yourself and each other.