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S3E16 Who?! The Unexpected Bond Between an Egg Donor and Intended Parent
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Summary
In this heartfelt episode, Whitney sits down with Amy and Rachel to discuss the deeply personal and evolving nature of their egg donation journey. Rachel, originally expecting her role as a donor to be unidentified, shares how her connection with Amy developed into a lasting and meaningful relationship. Amy reflects on what it meant to find not just a donor, but a person who would forever be connected to her family. The conversation explores the emotions, challenges, and joys of third-party reproduction, emphasizing the importance of open communication, trust, and the unexpected beauty of their shared experiences. Rachel and Amy’s story is a powerful testament to the many ways families can be built—not just through biology, but through love, respect, and human connection.
Takeaways
-The journey of egg donation is deeply emotional and relational.
-Open communication between donors and intended parents is crucial.
-Gratitude plays a significant role in the donor-recipient relationship.
-The process of building a family through donation can be complex yet rewarding.
-Understanding the creation story is important for children born through donation.
-The bond formed between donors and intended parents can be profound.
-Personal connections can alleviate anxiety during the donation process.
-The experience of egg donation can lead to lifelong relationships.
-Navigating the unknown aspects of donation requires openness and trust.
-Celebrating the gift of life is central to the donor experience.
-Rachel's initial expectation was for an unidentified donation.
-The relationship between donor and intended parents can evolve significantly.
-Open communication enhances the emotional fulfillment of all parties involved.
-Amy expresses gratitude for Rachel's role in her family's journey.
-Children can simplify complex topics like family building.
-The bond between donor and intended parents can feel like an extended family.
-Sharing updates and experiences strengthens the connection.
-Both women found joy in their shared experiences of motherhood.
-Openness and respect are crucial in donor-parent relationships.
-The journey of egg donation is not just a transaction but a meaningful connection.
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Transcript
Amy and Rachel's Unique Bond
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone, and welcome to Me, You, and Who. Today's episode is extra special because we're bringing you a story that's rarely told.
00:00:11
Speaker
You may remember Amy, who previously shared her journey of growing her family through egg donation. Well, she's back, but this time she's joined by Rachel, her incredible egg donor.
00:00:22
Speaker
What started as a donor-recipient connection has blossomed into something much deeper, a heartfelt and unexpected bond that has changed both their lives. Together, Amy and Rachel open up about their journey, the emotions, the surprises, and the joy of sharing motherhood in a way neither of them imagined.
00:00:42
Speaker
This is a conversation about gratitude, connection, and the incredible ways love and family take shape. You won't want to miss it. Me, you, and who?
00:00:54
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic. This podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
Whitney Hall's Surrogacy Journey
00:01:12
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall. and I am a two time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:26
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:01:48
Speaker
Okay, well, you guys, I really am just so excited that I get to just talk with you guys and about just this special bond that you have. And Amy, I'm super excited that you agreed to come back on and kind of share your story from this perspective.
Introductions and Special Connections
00:02:06
Speaker
Because again, for ah for our listeners, um Amy and Tim were on and shared their story last season. So, um, so definitely go check that one out because it's beautiful. And since then we've had some fun developments in your world, but before we get started, um, Rachel, um, well, okay. First of all, why don't you guys go ahead and say your name so that for our listeners who are not watching, they know whose voice goes with who.
00:02:33
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm Rachel. Yay! Okay, so um what is so fun and unique is Amy. You are intended mom, mom to Esther and now Edgar. And Rachel, you are Amy's egg donor, which is just amazing.
Rachel's Journey from Surrogacy to Egg Donation
00:02:55
Speaker
um ah But before we even like go down there, Rachel, just to you, how did egg donation even like come into your world? How did this become a thing for you? So actually, i love everything reproductive medicine, as most people in my world know. Started surrogacy in 2017.
00:03:13
Speaker
I carried an amazing couple, and they are family through and through. Yes! and twenty seventeen um i carried for a an amazing couple and um they are family through and through and um So I was just kind of opened up to the egg donation world because of that and all things third party reproduction.
00:03:42
Speaker
um So it kind of just piqued my interest because of the ability to, I guess, just to continue to help in that aspect. Surrogacy, um I didn't think that I was going to pursue any more journeys.
00:03:57
Speaker
um I thought that that chapter was kind of closed. And So I just kind of wanted to help in any other way, which led me to egg donation. And i just kind of started doing some research and asking some questions and, you know, asking all of the employees at what was egg donor solutions and then surrogate solutions at the time. um And they just gave me some really great insight and put me in contact with some experienced people who really just kind of answer my questions for me and
00:04:31
Speaker
made me realize that I had to do it. It was an if or a when I was like, I want to just help in that sense. um I saw the fruition of what became from an egg donation and just, it just made my heart swell and made me really want to be able to do the same thing. So I just saw how many lives were changed in such an amazing way because of egg donation. So it Right.
00:05:00
Speaker
It wasn't a it wasn't a maybe it was a no, no, no. This is going to happen. Like, we're going to make this happen. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Well, so both of you, whenever whenever you both were, you know, Rachel, when you decided you were going become an egg donor and then Amy, whenever you and Tim um decided to grow your family in this way.
00:05:21
Speaker
This was prior to what is now, you know, our, what is what we call our known donor cycle, which for those who don't know, it's, there's the known donor cycle where you guys do exchange um names and contact information. And then there's the unidentified cycle where um you don't know names, you don't have contact information, you know, all of that. And we say unidentified, we don't say anonymous because there's,
00:05:48
Speaker
no such thing as anonymity anymore. But when you guys were first pursuing this, what were kind of your, you know, I guess, Amy, to you, what was kind of your feeling around this idea of like, you know, this is going to be unidentified, we're not going to know this person.
Communication and Reassurance
00:06:04
Speaker
um And then kind of to you, Rachel, same thing, like, you know, I'm just so excited, like, there's this family, they're going be out there, not going to know their names, but like, that's just kind of how this is. What was kind of your feelings around that in general?
00:06:16
Speaker
Well, when I was looking for an egg donor, that was one of my requirements is I wanted somebody who was open to contact later or currently or whatever. worse So that was but that was one of my requirements when I was looking for an egg donor is that they had to be like open to communication.
00:06:31
Speaker
So just from the get go, I knew that was something I wanted. I did not want it to anonymous. I did not want to um I didn't want that for me. I didn't want that for my kids and I didn't want that for the donor either.
00:06:42
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. What about you, Rachel? How was that, like, whenever you were deciding that you were either going to open to that or not, what was that kind of like? So initially, i think that as an egg donor, you're going to have reservations because you're thinking, okay, I'm doing this.
00:06:57
Speaker
um But what's going to happen 18 years down the road, five years down the road, 10 years down the road, there's going to be an interest. And I think that it's silly to think that, like you said, there's no such thing as anonymous with technology.
00:07:10
Speaker
It's going to happen. So to be the one that's open to that and kind of initiates that communication was more important to me having... having Something happened where, you know, 18 years down the road, this child created in this situation is curious as they will be.
00:07:29
Speaker
And that being put on them as a weight, as opposed to it just being open communication from the beginning. Yeah, yeah. I think it was just really important to just like kind of pave that way so that the communication was open. There was always a possibility and the openness to the reach out.
00:07:48
Speaker
um So that's that's just something that was important to me. I didn't want it to feel like on the recipient end that there was like pressure or questions that they didn't have access to or anything like that, that it was just totally open from the beginning.
00:08:05
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. Now, originally Amy, you know, the idea was we were going to be open later. What was kind of like, what was later to you? Well, I honestly wanted to like know everything right away. Cause I think initially, like but initially, I think the trend was like, like at 18, you could communicate.
00:08:27
Speaker
Um, but I remember, um, talking to Kelly and stuff and, um, when we were talking about the legal stuff that um like a lot of people put in their contracts, that you will both be in the donor sibling registry.
00:08:39
Speaker
Right. Which means you can start talking whenever you want. So I could reach out right away and then just kind of hang out there and wait for the donor to respond when she was ready, which is kind of what I wanted to do. Like I'm here. I'm ready whenever you want to talk.
00:08:51
Speaker
And that's what i did. And it was like right away. do the whole Through my whole pregnancy, Rachel and I were talking. Yeah. Yeah. So the donor sibling registry, like you, that was, that happened not during the cycle.
00:09:02
Speaker
That was like the egg donation cycle. This was after. um But you were, Amy, you had said you were like, like you wanted to know her like during it. Like you, you were like, Hey, let's meet, like, let's, let or not maybe not necessarily meet, but like, let's chat.
00:09:16
Speaker
um But, but yeah, ah Rachel, what was that kind of like to you, to all of it? Like you had just gone through the cycle and we know that it was a successful cycle, which is lovely. What, what was that like whenever you first got that message? Like, hi, I'm here.
00:09:31
Speaker
So I'll actually back up because that wasn't the first time we communicated. That's right. Yes. We communicated throughout the cycle. So we were kind of giving little updates and totally bugging the crap out of Callie. who yeah Yes.
00:09:48
Speaker
You guys were communicating with each other through Callie. Through Callie, through love letters, through the clinic, you know, cards. Yes. So, oh my yeah, i mean we were just a bit and like little bits of information about like, you know, like the clinic was always raving about like how wonderful a donor Rachel was. And like, so I was getting all these like bits of information from like the clinic and from like Callie about Rachel. And like, so the more I was learning, the more I was like, oh my God, I have got to know this woman. Like this amazing woman. And it just kind of worked out really well.
00:10:24
Speaker
Oh, I love that. I love that. So when was that? And like, when did you guys actually exchange? Like you guys had your own connection, like spoke to each other without somebody in between?
00:10:38
Speaker
When did that happen? It was with the donor sibling registry after the cycle happened. um That was kind of what initiated the communication. And since then, it has evolved to email. So it's a little bit more personal. And, you know, we have the ability to have that access to communication a little. It's just a little bit easier than going through the donor sibling registry. But but i am Too much. And I stop. No, I so i would communicate with Callie and ask her like, Hey, what's her transfer date? I want to know her transfer date so that I can put that on my calendar and just know and, and reach out to her that day. And all, all of the crazy things. i have Like, I have to say that um I'm a little much too, and I'm probably, I might get emotional. So I have my tissue over here just in case, because sometimes just thinking about like meeting you and like what I want to say, I get emotional, but yeah,
00:11:32
Speaker
As far as like you wanted to know when my transfer date was and like sending me a message like that, like was so special to me because I was like awake at three o'clock in the morning. I was so nervous. I was so stressed out. like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, it's actually happening. What if it doesn't work? What if it does work? Oh my gosh. sh And I like rolled over and looked at my phone and there was this like beautiful like text message that Callie must have sent.
00:11:56
Speaker
That was from Rachel and it was like reassuring words. you're going to do great. and And I immediately like, I'm not kidding. Like i'm not exaggerating. Like I immediately like felt completely
The Importance of Creation Stories
00:12:08
Speaker
at ease and I was like, it is going to be okay.
00:12:10
Speaker
Like it doesn't matter how this turns out. Everything is going to be fine. And I honestly would not have felt that way if I wouldn't have gotten that personal message from her. Like it really just like full circle. Everything was just like, it's going to be okay.
00:12:22
Speaker
And it was. Oh, I love that. I love that. Did you ever imagine whenever, like, back at day one, that this was ever, like, that your journey, y'all's relationship would end up like this?
00:12:36
Speaker
I mean, I know, Amy, you were just kind of thinking, like, maybe the medical record side and, like... I was always... The moment we decided to go with an egg donor, I always... wished and hoped for some type of relationship.
00:12:48
Speaker
um For me and the children, like at least an ease of communication back and forth, like a happy birthday here or there or whatever. Just so like at any point, if I or the kids or even the donor wanted to reach out, that was open.
00:13:01
Speaker
As an intended parent, why was that so important to you?
00:13:06
Speaker
One, I'm a curious person. Two, um,
00:13:13
Speaker
why was it so important? I just feel like this whole process is very, well, it's very, the whole process is very special. It's a very unique situation. And I knew, um One of the main ah reasons was was for my children.
00:13:27
Speaker
I want my children have full access to all the knowledge and information of their creation story, like everything. And a huge part of that is Rachel. None of this would be a thing if it wasn't for Rachel. And so it's important for me to be able to, for them to know that and know who she is and know what she's about and know that she's the reason why they're here. Like, All my dreams came true because a nice lady named Rachel decided decided to help mommy and daddy make a baby and she donated her eggs.
00:13:57
Speaker
Like I'm, we have a family, I'm a mother, like she literally gave me the gift of life. And so that's why it was so important to me. One, because I wanted to express my gratitude. And i also wanted um whoever the donor was, I think they're giving a big part of themselves up.
00:14:14
Speaker
And I think it's only fair that if they are curious or want to know or see pictures or, you know, send a happy birthday, I think that's important that they're able to do that as well. Yeah, no, for sure. Well, it's so I mean, I love that you're kind of bringing up the emotional and relational part of it. Because I mean, I think a lot of people like when you think about it, you know, I know for me, whenever I was first, you know, learning more about the difference between known and you know, unidentified, the big thing that I feel like a lot of people talk about and focus on is, you know, just the medical record side of things, which is
00:14:45
Speaker
logistical and very appropriate and that that makes complete and total sense but i love what you're saying amy about you know just esther and edgar knowing their creation story mine is definitely a lot more emotional than it was medical for sure and that's your question about like when did i like realize or know that i wanted to like have it like an open relationship and communicate with rachel what so for I remember it very vividly is I had initially called after our second, so we we did three rounds of IVF.
00:15:17
Speaker
And after our second round of IVF, I was like, whatever, I'm picking a donor. So I was starting to look, so I have to have everything planned out. I have to know everything's okay. So i was like, if I have a donor picked out that I like, the third sort cycle doesn't work, whatever, in no big deal.
00:15:32
Speaker
Right. So I just sort of had that feeling like this was the route that my infertility journey was going to take. And so I had reached out to Egg Donor Solutions and i was like, hey, like this girl, is she still available? is she willing to travel? We're still gonna do another round, um but I just wanna know if she's available she's willing to travel. And so they reached out and they said yes.
00:15:51
Speaker
And then the day that I got the call, I think it was like, I think it was like actually Halloween. um I got the call that the third cycle didn't produce any viable embryos. And so I was like, okay, bye, click. And I called like, and I was like, is she still available?
00:16:09
Speaker
And I'm sitting on the front a porch and I might've been Callie who I was talking. I don't know who I was talking to. I don't think I had Callie yet. And they said, well, you know, somebody actually just reached out to inquire about her. And my heart just sunk. I was like and like, my eyes immediately began to tear up. And I was like, no. And she goes, but they didn't put a hold on her. And I was like, what?
00:16:32
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. And so... I was like, do it, do it, do it, reach back out to her. and And then the reply back was later is that they said that Rachel had said that when they contacted her that she had been thinking about me and wondering how the third round of IVF went. And then at that moment, I was like, yeah, I want to have some type of relationship with her.
00:16:51
Speaker
Because the truth was, asked Callie because I'm like, I don't want her to need me. Like, I already just felt, I don't know, there's just like a heartfelt connection to Amy. Like, from the beginning, I don't know what it was.
00:17:02
Speaker
Obviously, now I know what it was. It was all meant to be. It's meant to bring us here to this point and everything like that. But I felt that connection to her. And i just...
00:17:13
Speaker
I didn't want her to need me. I wanted her to have that success and to, you know, to build her family, how she had, you know, plan B, because essentially I'm plan C for you guys and everything that you went through to get to me. And there was so much loss for her already and heartbreak. So But then Callie reassured, it was Callie, I think at the time, and she reassured me. She's like, no, she knew that if this, she just wanted to give it the third cycle. And if it wasn't the third cycle, it was you. and I was like, that does make me feel a little bit better that I know that, you know, you had at least made peace with that aspect, because that's a huge part in that.
00:17:53
Speaker
taking on this you know journey of conceiving via egg donation. It's not easy. and i Amy is amazing at reminding me how loved and cherished I am by her and her family.
00:18:08
Speaker
But really, I feel that towards her in a way that it's so hard to describe because I know that there's gotta be so much trauma and heartbreak and loss and loss of control.
00:18:21
Speaker
conceiving with an egg donor and that's not easy and the fact that she has so gracefully made peace with that and moved on from that past trauma
Gratitude and Connection
00:18:31
Speaker
and is able to still like pour out her love onto me and into her children it It's beautiful. I just have so much love in my heart for that and all everything that she's been through.
00:18:48
Speaker
So it's it's just not to be taken lightly. and it's just it's there's It's such a huge, huge weight behind all of that. So sorry to ramble, but... No, no! No, don't apologize.
00:18:59
Speaker
It's beautiful. And I feel like Rachel is absolutely amazing because she selflessly gave this part of her to me. And like you know I do think about her a lot. And it's not like intrusive at all. It's like these feelings of gratitude. Like, oh my god, I have this because she did this.
00:19:15
Speaker
you know, and I just, I feel grateful all the time. Like, I love my children so much. Like, especially Esther, like, you know, Edgar's still a little baby and he's getting there. But Esther, me and Esther are like, o and she's just my world. And I just love her. And I just can't imagine her not being around.
00:19:35
Speaker
And, you know, and Rachel was able to help me, you know, give me that gift. And that's just, mind-biting. The selflessness and like and, like, her kindness is just beyond words. Like, that somebody would do that, like, for me so I could be happy is just – it's incredible.
00:19:55
Speaker
You guys, this is just a love fest. I'm obsessed. Oh, my gosh. But, no, I mean, you both are saying it so beautifully because, i mean, Rachel, I think you – wholeheartedly with third party for, you know, a lot of individuals that come into third party, this was not their plan or even plan B. And, and so you're right, there is, um you know, especially from the intended parent perspective, there can be so much that happens and a lot of, and oh, gosh, like, a lot of
00:20:31
Speaker
chapters that you have to close and ways that you have to you know, just find, be okay and, and get ready to move forward. And I think exactly to your point, you know, Amy, you have just, you've done such a, I mean, I admire how much you and tim you know, went through to get to this point.
00:20:55
Speaker
Um, But then also, like you said, all of those things can exist and your love ah for Rachel. And then, of course, subsequently, your joy of your children from that. Like, it wouldn't be Esther if it hadn't been Rachel.
00:21:11
Speaker
And we can't imagine a world without Esther. And so, like, all of those things, those feelings can coexist at the same time. And it's beautiful. It's just beautiful. It really is. really is.
00:21:21
Speaker
Like, I didn't realize, like, at the time, time like... how special it would be. Like I knew I wanted it to be open and I wanted everyone to know everything. And, but I didn't realize that there it would be like this. Like it's, it's very soft and squishy, I guess. Like it's, yeah
00:21:42
Speaker
and, and I, and I honestly don't think if I would went with another donor, I would have felt like this. Oh, interesting. What makes you say that? I still would have felt this way, but not to this degree, not to this level. Sure. Rachel has definitely like put the sugar on top and like has made it like extra, extra special where like I full heartedly want a relationship with Rachel and I want my kids to be able to know her and be like, Hey, you remember the girl that we met on the beach? That's Rachel. That's your donor. And like today's her birthday. Do you want to send her a card or like send her a message? Like I want, I want that for us and I want that for her.
00:22:16
Speaker
Yeah, no, for sure. She is an extraordinary person. Like, I don't know I just knew, like, when I saw her little video on her profile, like, I just knew right away. I'm like, and I remember telling Tim, I'm like, that's her.
00:22:29
Speaker
And he goes, what are you talking about? i didn't even know we were going to pick a donor. And I'm like, well, I found her. Well, I found her, so catch up. We're all dead. He was like, okay. great awesome it was that instant connection and then there was just all these other layers of like validation like Callie saying oh well she's been thinking about you and she wanted to know how was you know curious about how your third round went and then you know there was a little like you know us sending cards back and forth like I sent her a necklace that I think you have on just um you know and then she sent me like a little bracelet that um that said hope yes your bracelet
00:23:05
Speaker
Every single day. And then the day I was leaving the hospital, I got out of the shower and it broke and the beads went everywhere. And initially I was like, Oh my God. And then I was like, wait a minute. That's like a sign. It's like meant to be, I don't need this hope anymore. Like I've got my baby. I'm taking her home today.
00:23:22
Speaker
you know? And so. chills. Yeah. I know. I love that story. I love that story. i multiex You know, things that just validated like how much I valued and wanted this relationship.
00:23:35
Speaker
Yeah, no, I'm sure. Rachel, for you, I mean, i think there's something I, I don't want to say it's unique, because i I know there are so many donors who who do think about like, Oh, how are you know, those intended parents doing how you know, kind of and a lot times we're, you know, we're able to like, and by we I mean, a donor and surrogate solutions, the coordinators are kind of able to send donors some updates whenever they hear from them and things like that.
00:24:03
Speaker
But, you know, you kind of said like right away, you were already thinking about Amy and you were already kind of hoping she didn't need you. And then you're wanting to like know more and more and more.
00:24:15
Speaker
Tell me a little bit more about that, you know, just from that egg donor perspective and originally thinking that this was going to be unidentified and you were only going to know ah minimal amount of information versus what you get to have now.
00:24:27
Speaker
And I think that the expectation, which it has changed since the donation, I would say back then it was less... less identified. it was definitely the expectation was an unidentified cycle. That was kind of the standard.
00:24:41
Speaker
So initially when I, you know, began the process for egg donation, that was kind of my expectation. i wasn't thinking that there was going to be continuous communication for years after the cycle, or if there was communication, maybe it would just be for updates of, oh, you know, medically, is there any updates? Those kinds of things that maybe ah the intended parents were interested in.
00:25:07
Speaker
um But as that progressed, I am not ah ah very private person. i am an open book and i am absolutely relational versus contractual. That is just my personality. i love relationships. I love love.
00:25:26
Speaker
I am just, I don't know. I'm a big love bug and I have a lot of love to give. and I felt so grateful because the way that Amy felt that she might not have had that with a different donor, I feel the same way that if a different set of intended parents maybe had picked me or that I did a donation for a different set of intended parents, that could have been where that chapter closed or, you know, that could have been the end of that journey. And I don't know that I would have felt as fulfilled as I do now,
00:26:00
Speaker
with this open relationship that I have with Amy and Tim and their beautiful children. And i think that that's something that will span probably their lives, the which is It's hard to wrap my mind around because Rachel from, you know, five, six years ago when I was first thinking about doing egg donation, never would have guessed that I would be sitting here talking to Amy about, you know, her feelings and her aspect on the journey and what ah her children are like and getting to get the pictures and the the videos and,
00:26:45
Speaker
I mean, we talk we talk all the time and have since since it happened. And I'm just so grateful for that because i I'm huge on relationships. And i I think it's equally as important, you know, as she feels towards her children and just having that like open communication and that they know where they came from. And, you know, that it's not a big secret.
00:27:06
Speaker
There was so much love and thought and hope put into creating these children, these beautiful children that, You know, it's it's really just, it's a miracle. And I'm um'm just thankful to be just a little smidge, a little part of it.
00:27:23
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I think, you know, again, to your point, Amy, I think one of, to your point, Rachel, and then Amy, I just want to give you, you know, just a ton of kudos. I mean, just, I love from the from the get-go, to, mean, almost...
00:27:38
Speaker
you wanted to i mean almost celebrate how Esther came to be.
00:27:50
Speaker
Yeah, I love raising about her story and telling the world about it. I'm not, as i tell everybody, like, I have patients at work when I'm pregnant. Oh, and they'll say, oh, and I'll be like, yeah, we worked hard to make donor baby. And, know, they're like, we worked hard.
00:28:05
Speaker
And I like, I just tell everybody like, I, it's a special story and there's, I don't think there's, there's no reason to like not tell the truth or feel shame about it. I mean, it took lot of love from both sides, me and Rachel to put this together and make this happen. And,
00:28:21
Speaker
it We did it. Yeah, no, for So grateful that I ended up with Rachel. Like when I think about her, I like think my lucky stars every day that I landed on her and I picked her because i wasn't expecting a relationship like this by any means, you know, but I at least wanted something open. But as it built, i was like,
00:28:41
Speaker
i I wanted it more and more and more. Like the more I got to know about her, you know, with each email, i was like, Ooh, I want to know more. And this is so neat and so cool. and it just makes the whole experience special. And it honestly makes our, you know, my family even more special that, you know, it wasn't just mommy and daddy's love that helped us come to be. It was your donor, Rachel's generosity.
00:29:03
Speaker
You know, that this, you're very special. This is a big deal. And, I just, I love the story. Oh, I love that. No, but you're so right. You're so right. Rachel, how do explain or how have you explained your kiddos? I mean, I know little baby but not not He's not there yet. He's not there yet.
00:29:27
Speaker
Yeah. But your daughter, like, how have you kind of explained, because I know, you know, she, like you said, you were a surrogate prior. So it wasn't, you know, maybe foreign to her with this idea of helping another family have a baby and that connection that you have with your intended parents.
00:29:44
Speaker
But how have you kind of explained this connection Yeah. So it is, she's so mature for her age. And I feel like that's really helped.
00:29:55
Speaker
And maybe that is because i I was a surrogate previously and carried babies for, you know, my amazing family. family members, six extended family members now.
00:30:08
Speaker
um But um I just think that because she was exposed to that so early, there was nothing there that was like shocking. um It wasn't a surprise. It's not like a taboo subject or anything that she can't really wrap her mind around. She is so, so, so mature. So she completely understood.
00:30:26
Speaker
And, you know, she says, maybe I can do that one day, or maybe I can carry a baby one day or, you So it's really sweet because it's like, yeah, let's, let's do this. Let's, you're making a difference. You're, you're seeing these, these little small differences being made. And, you know, she realizes that sometimes that that's how you build a family. It's not always how you expect or how you plan for It's, it's, it takes a village and that could mean a lot of things.
00:30:56
Speaker
Yes, for sure. Does she, does she ever, does she, Russell's not the right word, but, like, does she ever maybe wonder, like, okay, well, I'm genetically related, you know, or perhaps genetically related to, you know, these two little people over here. Does she ever have questions about that, or is she just kind like, eh, just is what it is?
00:31:18
Speaker
ah Yeah, she, that's... I love it! That's what she knows. So it was no... There wasn't really a second thought, because that that is what she knows. There's no... there's no concern on her end. And actually, you know, Amy and I have kind of talked about doing things in the future with all of our families together.
00:31:36
Speaker
and so she's like more babies, like more babies to get to hang out with. I can't wait. I love it. I love it. I feel like I feel like I say this all the time, but I feel like kids just make it so much more simpler than we do.
00:31:48
Speaker
was talking to my kids the other day and, you know, I said, I don't know, I said something about like, Is it weird that like your mom was like a surrogate and like my my eldest, she looked at me she was like, it's weird that you're asking that question.
00:32:00
Speaker
was like, okay.
00:32:05
Speaker
Oh, no, I love that. I love that. So, okay, you guys have, how was that evolution kind of, I'm sorry, we're kind of jumping back in the timeline a little bit here, but how was that evolution whenever you guys did finally exchange emails?
Evolution of the Relationship
00:32:18
Speaker
How has that relationship evolved from, you know, once upon a time where, you know, Callie's exchanging love notes for you guys. I like, I'm envisioning like three desks and like you're here and you're here and Callie's in the middle and like passing notes. Oh, But like how has y'all's relationship evolved? Right?
00:32:34
Speaker
ah How has y'all's relationship evolved from that to where it is now? Like, did it ever, I mean, it it feels like it was just so natural. It was just so organic.
00:32:45
Speaker
It was, it was. it was And I'm super thankful for the email because now I can, like, actually the way that the donor sibling ah registry, the website is set up, I can't really share pictures that's not on like a joint for kind of everybody to see. And I want to share more about me just privately to you so that you can know my family and, you know, get those updates and things like that. So I think that that's the email has helped in that sense. I'm like, hey, here's my family Christmas picture so that you're part of the family. so I want you to have them, too. So it's it's just been able to help kind of build on that relationship a little bit. And in my opinion, that's just how I feel.
00:33:24
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. It makes things a little bit easier. And then like you said, it's not like every time I post pictures, because like, you you remember how you mentioned that you're a little too much. Well, i poor Rachel, like the amount of pictures and stuff that i have since this poor woman, I'm like, look, look, look, I love them.
00:33:39
Speaker
Look, look, look.
00:33:42
Speaker
No, that just sounds like every mom. That's like every mom that's like, hold on, let me show you my pictures. Yeah, absolutely. And now we're both in this newborn bubble together, which just bonds us so much together, too. so special. It's so special. So we both have these baby boys now that...
00:34:00
Speaker
We just ah were feeding off of each other in this newborn postpartum fourth trimester. I love that. Oh, my gosh. Okay, wait, wait.
00:34:11
Speaker
I didn't even, like, make that connection. Tell, okay, so tell me more a little bit about that. I think, Amy, think you might have been one of the first people that I shared that I was pregnant with. yeah.
00:34:25
Speaker
Yeah. So yeah, I, I sent her, I guess I sent her via a message on the donor sibling registry that like I was expecting and we had just found out that it was a baby boy. I'm pretty sure we had just had the anatomy scan. We just found out.
00:34:40
Speaker
Um, and we were so excited and that's when we just were like, oh my gosh, wait a second. She's, she's, I don't, I don't know if you might have known that it was a boy already too, but we were due like three months apart almost to the day.
00:34:56
Speaker
Oh my gosh. Yeah. So saying, Hey, guess what? Like we did it again. And then I think it might've been the very next message. You're right. I thought you were like, Hey, guess what? I'm pregnant too.
00:35:08
Speaker
Oh my gosh. My goodness. I'm like, this is the neatest thing ever that we're both at the same time. was, that was neat too. And then we'd, you know, send emails back and forth about like how our pregnancies were going and,
00:35:22
Speaker
I'm getting induced. Oh my gosh. We both send each other messages, I think, from the hospital saying, it's happening, I'm getting induced. Yes. Yes. Oh, that is so special.
00:35:33
Speaker
I love that. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. The more we communicate and talk and share, like the more we're learning about how much we actually have in common, it's almost... freakish. It's freaky. I said that to Callie. I'm like, Amy is just my, she's like my alter ego. She's like the same person, just in a different, she's in a different body. She, you know, just a different person, but it's, it's crazy. We have a lot in common. lot of our live Like our life stories have overlapped in many, many ways. Our careers.
00:36:08
Speaker
Now our children, we have the best of both worlds. She's got a sweet girl and a boy. her daughter's the oldest. She just had a son. Same for me. i Just little, little things like that, that I just think are, are special.
00:36:21
Speaker
Little invisible strings that tie us together. Yeah. but I love that. I love that. Well, and I think what's so what's so fun is, you know, kind of like what you said, Rachel, like you're both, you know, newborn moms, fourth trimester, like commiserating together.
00:36:38
Speaker
It's I mean, it's evolved from like, intended parent and donor to like, we're in the thick of it together. It's, you know, one mom to another, like, you know, just all of that.
00:36:49
Speaker
Like, I love that evolution. That's a very good point because now when we are talking, it's not necessarily like, oh, I'm talking to a donor. It's like, I'm talking to another mom and we're going through sleep regressions and like tongue ties and like, you know, like sometimes I forget that she's, you know, a donor.
00:37:11
Speaker
She's friend Rachel and this is friend Amy and like, and another mom. And yes, for sure. Oh, I love that so much. And I mean, again, think that just really highlights, I mean, there's so much beauty in, in egg donation in general.
00:37:27
Speaker
And then there is so much, you know, just, it's another ribbon on top whenever you do get to know the person beyond just, you know, the, the exchange of, you know, just egg donation and And now to get to have this opportunity, i mean, it's so special, you guys. It really, really is. And I think it just shows the beauty that and the celebration that is growing your family in this way.
00:37:55
Speaker
If you, Amy, if you could give... Any advice, you know maybe what would you say to an intended parent who is maybe unsure about this idea of you know known versus unidentified cycle and just kind of being open to that type of relationship?
00:38:17
Speaker
Oh, some advice. um Definitely go in with it with an open heart. Yeah. and And just be open. and And you kind of have to let the donor kind of set the pace.
00:38:30
Speaker
Like you can see, I think that's important because, you know, no matter what I want out of this relationship, it's ultimately up to Rachel, you know, of of how you know how far we take this or how you know deep this goes. Like, you know, initially it was, you know, a surface relationship and that was beautiful, but then organically it kind of slowly built on itself.
00:38:49
Speaker
So i would say to anybody who who is, you know pursuing an egg donation and would like an open like relationship or, you know, to have more of an open communication, I think that's probably, one of the key components is that you have to be really respectful of your donor and what their wishes are. Like they gave you this gift, they gave you this part of them, let them decide the pace and the rate and how deep basically they want to go with this relationship is what I would say.
00:39:15
Speaker
And I just got lucky with Rachel because I wanted, I wanted what but we have. Yeah, for sure. absolutely. Rachel, what would you say you know, just some advice thoughts or words of wisdom to a donor who is kind of trying to wrestle with the idea of unidentified or known?
00:39:38
Speaker
I just think, just like Amy said, have an open heart and an open mind because it could become this. you know If you set your expectation of, oh, hey, I'm worried that they're going find out this little thing or that little thing, it's it's so silly because in the end, like we're all human. We've all lived and experienced certain life experiences.
00:39:59
Speaker
you know, life happenings and certain things in life that you think are just, I don't know, maybe you don't want to share that or they're, they're just, they're big moments, but, oh, well, they not want to know that part of me. And it's just not true. It's, I think that, you know, things that I have shared with Amy along the way, and I'm like, we've actually bonded over, we've ended up bonding over. So I think that going in with an open mind,
00:40:26
Speaker
It's so hard for me to say, though, because I feel like I looked out and then I do realize maybe it's not always going to be that way for somebody, which... But at the end of the day, it could be. And I think that potential should be enough to want more, to want more, to know that, hey, you get to see you were a small piece in this family and this family building and to get to actually watch it be like come into fruition be
00:40:57
Speaker
her sending me updates of her beautiful children and knowing that I was a very small part of that has really helped me to, like I said before, just, it's almost extra fulfillment on my end. Like, oh my gosh, my heart is so full.
00:41:14
Speaker
Like getting to see that, that final outcome, that there is hope at the end that you gave the couple hope that you were just that little tiny piece in the puzzle that maybe they didn't have before. And you you can't really have that if you're unidentified. It's I think that the communication kind of stops there. And maybe it's personality wise, because I love that relationship building, but getting to see that continuation of, you know, that little aspect of that little piece that you you created, it just makes all the difference. It's so fulfilling.
00:41:50
Speaker
For sure. Well, it's just that cherry on top because mean, you were even like, I mean, you, you seemed perfectly content to like, Hey, Callie, I just, can you please just let me know the transfer day? Like, I just want to send her good luck on transfer.
00:42:00
Speaker
And then it was like, okay, Hey, I just want to, you know, like, Oh my gosh. Yay. It worked. I'm so excited. And then it seemed like you were pretty content for things to like, all right,
00:42:12
Speaker
cool. And now it's like, it's this, it's the cherry on top. It's the pictures. It's, you know, all of those things. It's all the extras. Well, and it's funny because, you know, i I worked in a clinic at the time after I actually started my job the day after i landed back in Florida. i love it. It was crazy, you know, and I was just kind of wobbling around the clinic for the first couple days, which is so funny now. Oh, for sure. To look back at But um so I knew the timeline of everything. So I'm like, okay, if her transfer is on this day, her beta should be this day. ultrasound should be this day. I
00:42:50
Speaker
So I'm like, Callie, feed me all the information. i want to know. And she was, and she was, and Amy was open to sharing that with me, like the ultrasound pictures and it, and it wasn't always easy. It wasn't an easy early pregnancy. It wasn't, it wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means for her. So I think also just that, that realistic aspect of, you know, Hey, you might think that it's going to be a smooth journey.
00:43:15
Speaker
There's no guarantees, but getting those updates along the way and, in real time and, and being a part of that. And it's just so special. It was so special to me and so important to me so that I could know how Amy was doing, because I felt like I had, and this might be silly, but I almost felt like I had an obligation to check in on her and be like,
00:43:38
Speaker
Is she okay? How's her heart? Like, what what is she going through right now? Because, yeah we got to this point. And yay, it was successful. It was a successful cycle, but that's not where it ends. You know, her end goal is creating her perfect family. And it might not be how she envisioned, but creating this perfect family in the end. And so I wanted to know along the way. And so you might not get that with an unidentified cycle. But, you know, to to have that openness and and willing to Just be just the open mind. She mentioned it's just, no, for sure.
00:44:11
Speaker
It's so important. It makes things so much more special. Well, and I think to your point, you know, it, yes, the, the egg donation cycle ended, it was successful.
00:44:24
Speaker
Um, but that journey, just now, now we're onto like the second part of like that journey. And I love that, you know, again, Rachel, that you were just wanting to celebrate that. And Amy, I loved that you wanted to have her along the way and that you were so, you know, just forthcoming with like, yep, this is where we are.
00:44:44
Speaker
Like, you know, and just, there was no thought to, to think otherwise. no I'm, to me, she's always been part of the journey from day one. Yeah. You know, and so, you know, like, I don't know if obligation is the right word, but I did feel like she is almost like owed
Family and Community Expansion
00:45:01
Speaker
an update. Like, like she deserves this. Like she gave this part of her, you know, and if she wants to know, she should have the right to know. And I love sharing it. And she, it's almost like, I wish there wasn't a word. I wish there was a word for an extended, extended family member, but that's kind of how I feel about, right.
00:45:19
Speaker
Rachel, like she, it's, it's kind of neat and very exciting in many ways, you know, that like, you know, there's, you know, Esther's gonna have mommy and daddy and aunts and uncles and then she has donor Rachel and like, so yeah and like, it's this whole extra level of like, what family or community is, which is really neat.
00:45:40
Speaker
For sure, for sure. Well, and again, right, like going back to kind of what you said earlier, Rachel, like it takes a village and we don't necessarily know what that village is going to look like. But oh, my gosh, every village is so magical. And I mean, y'all's village is. It's beautiful. And I love that.
00:45:55
Speaker
mean, think you're right. The word obligate or like have to like that's not that. that's just not the right word. Like, I feel like it was just, you both have this want and desire and you were just both cheering each other on and supporting one another. And I love that.
00:46:10
Speaker
I just love that you guys wanted and continue to want to just pour into each other, you know, beyond like now it's again, right. Like now you guys are two moms commiserating with sleep aggression and you know, all of that stuff.
00:46:25
Speaker
I mean, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. Well, um, I always, you know, again, i really do just appreciate you guys sharing your your story. And I bet I probably know the answer to this, but I always like to ask the question because like we were saying earlier, Amy, um my obsession with coffee, I know you have your your emotional support Coca-Cola with you.
00:46:52
Speaker
What filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what has been the thing that has filled your cup today? um For me, i was able to take a nice hot shower, which was great.
00:47:08
Speaker
yeah um We can celebrate that. And what filled my cup is I was running around trying to get ready this morning. Tim's outside shoveling snow. And I hear Esther in her room going, mommy, mommy, out, out.
00:47:22
Speaker
And I was like, okay, mommy's coming to get you. You know, like it is. And it's those little moments too. Like, yeah. And it probably happens multiple times a day, but it's little moments like that where I'm still like, oh, that's me. I'm mom. Yay, you know? ah There's just, there's especially with in this toddler phase where everything is so new and exciting and she's absolutely 100% adorable. Like, it the soft, squishy mom things happen all the time, every day. and i I just love them. and And especially now with Edgar, too. He's
00:47:57
Speaker
you know, he's more alert and awake. He's two months old now. And he's, you know, starting to smile and interact more. And Esther's interacting with him more. And it's just, it's this compounding factor of just cuteness. and Oh, for sure.
00:48:11
Speaker
I feel like, especially, I don't know, there's something about whenever siblings like start actually like liking each other. There's like, I don't even know what happens to like my heart. Like I kind of lose it. now Like it still happens. Yes. yeah It still happens today. I'm like,
00:48:24
Speaker
Wait, the 12 year olds being nice to the 10 year olds? Like what is happening? Oh my God. Like instantaneous tears.
00:48:31
Speaker
I love that. What about you, Rachel? Listening to that. Listening to her say that. Oh, for sure. Because I didn't see it through email and pictures and everything like that. But just hearing her say that just...
00:48:48
Speaker
Just did it for me. Oh gosh, for sure. make me have salty coffee. You guys know, I love that. I love it so much. Well, again, guys, I really do appreciate you just both of you just being so vulnerable with your story. And, um, and again, just, I love that we get to celebrate this special connection that you guys have. So thank you so much.
00:49:10
Speaker
Thank you for having us. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today.
00:49:22
Speaker
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00:49:43
Speaker
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00:50:06
Speaker
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00:50:23
Speaker
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