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S3E22 Who?! Shared Pride: Ruth’s Journey as an LGBTQ Egg Donor
52 Plays19 days ago
Summary
In this insightful episode, Whitney and Ruth take a deep dive into the world of egg donation. Ruth shares her motivations for becoming a donor, the vital support she received from her family and medical professionals, and the emotions surrounding her contribution to family building—particularly within the LGBTQ community. She walks through the matching process, the considerations between known and unidentified donations, and what it was like to experience the egg retrieval procedure and recovery firsthand. The discussion also covers common misconceptions about egg donation, the importance of open conversations about DNA and family, and the power of community support. Ruth’s story is a powerful reflection on generosity, advocacy, and the deep connections that can form through the gift of egg donation.
Takeaways
-Ruth's journey to becoming an egg donor was influenced by her family's positive discussions about donation.
-Support from her partner was crucial during the egg donation process.
-Ruth felt a strong connection to the same-sex couple she donated to, enhancing her experience.
-The decision to be an unidentified donor was based on her belief that family is who you make it.
-Ruth experienced physical discomfort during the medication process but leaned on friends for support.
-The emotional aspect of receiving a thank you note from the intended parents was significant for Ruth.
-Ruth's experience with anesthesia during retrieval was both humorous and surreal.
-Ruth's excitement on the day of retrieval was akin to Christmas morning.
-The overall experience of egg donation was rewarding and fulfilling for Ruth.
-Ruth describes the emotional support she receives from her wife during recovery.
-Understanding the science behind egg retrieval and its implications.
-The importance of following medical advice post-procedure for a smooth recovery.
-Celebrating the success of having healthy embryos from the retrieval process.
-The misconceptions surrounding egg donation and embryo creation.
-Navigating difficult conversations about DNA and family dynamics.
-The significance of community support in the egg donation journey.
-Ruth's advice to future donors to lean on their resources and connections.
-The meaningful contribution of egg donation to families, especially in the LGBTQ community.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Ruth's Journey as an Egg Donor
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone, welcome to Me, You, and Who, and Happy a Pride Month! On today's episode, I'm sitting down with Ruth to explore her incredible journey as an egg donor.
00:00:13
Speaker
As a member of the LGBTQ plus community, Ruth always knew that she and her wife would one day need the help third party reproduction to grow their own family. With that in mind, she felt called to give back before she ever received.
00:00:26
Speaker
It felt like fate when she discovered that not only was she helping to create a happy family, but she was also giving back to her own community by helping two dads become parents.
00:00:37
Speaker
Ruth's journey is one of generosity, solidarity, and the deep desire to help others experience the joy of parenthood. She opens up about what inspired her to donate, the emotional and physical aspects of the process, and the profound impact of knowing she was helping another LGBTQ plus family grow.
00:00:56
Speaker
We also dive into the matching process, the choice between known and unidentified donation, and the invaluable lessons she's learned along the way. Whether you're curious about egg donation, exploring parenthood through third-party reproduction, or just love a heartwarming story, Ruth's experience is one you won't wanna miss.
Surrogacy and Egg Donation Stories
00:01:15
Speaker
Let's celebrate pride, family, and the many beautiful ways love creates a family. Me, you, and who? Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic.
00:01:32
Speaker
This podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways. My name is Whitney Hall. and I am a two time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions.
00:01:49
Speaker
the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families. With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:02:19
Speaker
Hi, Ruth.
Influence of Family and LGBTQ+ Identity
00:02:20
Speaker
I'm so excited that you are here. This is just so fun that I get to finally meet you talk with you. have just heard nothing but good things from Angela. And so I'm just so excited that I get to finally leave meet the famous Ruth.
00:02:37
Speaker
Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. No, and ah it makes me so happy to hear that Angela had such a good experience with me. She was amazing. And so I'm excited. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. No, it's so fun.
00:02:49
Speaker
So, okay. Let's like go back. Cause you just finished yours. I say just, I mean, it's been a minute, but like, let's go back a little bit. What even led you to wanting to become an egg donor?
00:03:01
Speaker
Yeah. So it's always been something that like, don't know, it's been ah ah conversation on the side of my family. So it's always been something that's very like open. And I know that my aunt and I have a very close relationship and she always talked about like wanting to do donor stuff, but especially when she went through her IVF process, when she was trying to have kids, it was a struggle for her. And so it's always been something that was very positive ideas around growing up.
00:03:31
Speaker
And then when I came out and Then found my partner in college. It was definitely something that was like, I know that in order for us to have a family, we're going to have to rely on a donor as well. So I would love to be on the other side of that experience before we get to that stage.
00:03:47
Speaker
um And it was just so rewarding. so i After my wife and I got married, um it was something I poured a lot of more time and energy into because I knew I really wanted to put more time and energy into it. And then almost a year after I got married was when I got matched with that first couple.
00:04:06
Speaker
Oh, my gosh. I love that.
Support from Ruth's Wife and Community
00:04:08
Speaker
was going to ask you because I feel like, you know, don't know if necessarily that many people really do realize that when you are part of the LGBTQ community, you are going to have to rely on a third party in order to grow your family, whether it's, you know, whether it's adoption or whether it's, you know, sperm or egg donation did that. I mean, I know you said you had influence from your family, but how much of an influence of it for, you know, you just being part of the community and realizing that, you know, you were obviously going to have to rely on that.
00:04:43
Speaker
How much of that really did kind of, you know, influence your decision to want to be a part of that, like you said, kind of on this side of things? Yeah, yeah, majorly. um So I bring up my family because I guess that was a foundation of support. So it made it so much easier.
00:05:00
Speaker
um But coming from that background of knowing that that was a process I would have to go through one day is a major part of it. And I think the way that I looked at it was kind of like karma. Like I want to put out give back before I expect that back kind of energy.
00:05:17
Speaker
Oh, I love that. Yeah. That's amazing. So what, whenever you were kind of having those conversations again, I mean, I know obviously your family kind of gave you this beautiful, just supportive base. What were those conversations like with your wife when you guys were, when you were, you know, wanting to, like you said, give back first before you received?
00:05:39
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, um as so much of my wife and I's relationship is based on a lot of our original beliefs. And so when i initially brought up the conversation, it wasn't even ah question of, let's talk more about this. it was just, she's just so supportive of everything that I do.
00:05:55
Speaker
And so ah she also, I think, comes from the same mindset. And that's so much of what our relationship is based off of, is just similar beliefs. um And so it wasn't even a conversation of, well, let's talk more about it and let's kind of really weigh a lot of her options. It was like, without a doubt, this is the right thing and support you in that process. And so even when I was doing the injections, because she hates needles, was like, I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you. And I was doing them and she was like, I going to stand here and look at you very supportive.
00:06:30
Speaker
and canno I cannot do it though. I was like, it's okay. still love you. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, I totally, I totally understand. I was a surrogate and my, uh, my husband also very supportive. And there were like a couple of times where he would do them for me. Like it was like initially at the beginning.
00:06:49
Speaker
And then after a while I was like, you're making me more nervous. I'll just do it on my own. Like, it's okay. He's like, but I'm cheering you on. I promise. I'm like, that's great. Just, you can hand me the alcohol swaps. Like, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, like I would go and do the injection and like push it in and it should be like, ooh, and like I'm I'm making not making a noise. You are.
00:07:08
Speaker
Right. words It's a sympathetic pain. I understand. Thank you. Thank you so much for that. that's so sweet. I love it. And I love that. I mean, it sounded like it really wasn't a matter of if, but it was just a matter of when you were going to do this.
00:07:22
Speaker
Oh, I love the how supportive she was. It's, so i mean, truly when whether you're an a donor or surrogate, you have to have that support, even if it is know, it's wonderful to have that handhold.
00:07:46
Speaker
Yeah, no, it was really nice, especially being able to have her there during the week that weeks we travel to Dallas. It was just so nice. And she was like, I feel like I'm not doing anything. I feel like I'm just here. And I was like, and that's so helpful.
00:07:58
Speaker
It's just nice to not be alone sitting in the hotel room. It's very nice. hundred percent. No, absolutely. I love that. I love that. So, okay.
00:08:09
Speaker
How did you feel when You are, right you guys decided to do this. You filled out your application, which is everybody knows an egg donor application is quite lengthy and yeah you know, definitely takes time for sure.
00:08:23
Speaker
And then all of a sudden you got chosen. what was that phone call like? Yeah. Yeah. It was so nice. I was so for my job, I work in housing and specifically student housing that's ah around college.
00:08:37
Speaker
And so the time of year that is our busiest had just ended. We had our move in date on August 19th. And so I was coming off of like working nonstop for like a month.
00:08:48
Speaker
And um I was sitting at work and then I got the call. And so I stepped outside and I was like, hey, what's going on? Because I'd been in ah a little bit more communication with um some of the other representatives at the at the agency. And so um we were chatting a little bit and she was like, hey, so I have really good news.
00:09:05
Speaker
um I think that we have a couple that's interested. and I was like, oh my gosh. And one thing that I think really stuck with me that she did share was that it was another same sex couple.
00:09:15
Speaker
And that was something that I think connected me so much more to that journey as well. is like i don't ah It was an unidentified cycle, but I feel like there's more of a connection there knowing that I'm contributing to my community in such a meaningful way.
00:09:30
Speaker
And so that was so so nice to know from Jump. And so um then we just kind of started rolling. She walked me through, you know, we're going to send you the genetic test kit and then we're going to fly you out to Dallas to just get the physical and the okay. And then All of that stuff. And it felt like it was going to move really quick.
00:09:49
Speaker
And then, i don't know, it just, I felt so walked through every step of the process that nothing felt like it was moving too fast or just happening out of nowhere. Like it was, don't know. It just felt very, not easy. none and None of it's easy, but it was so nice to have the guiding hands to go through. It felt like everything was expected, which made it much more manageable. lot i think it would have been so...
00:10:14
Speaker
So much. It could have been so much more overwhelming. um but Easily, easily, especially when you're doing something like this for the first time. And it is so precise and, you know, and unique to you and your body and, you know, unique to that clinic or that doctor and, you know, just all of those things. And so to have that guiding hand.
00:10:32
Speaker
you know, even before things happen, it makes it seem less overwhelming and step by step and not surprising. Yeah, exactly. Yes.
00:10:43
Speaker
No, for sure. Oh, I love that. And I mean, I think, I think you're so, love that. almost feels like that the match being with another same sex couple is Again, kind of what you said to like that karma um yeah where you I mean, you really, not you're giving back, but like you said, you're giving back specifically to the LGBTQ community, which is just, sad I mean, that's like the little cherry on top of it.
00:11:08
Speaker
Exactly. Yeah. Oh, I love that. What made you, you know, I guess even going back further, I probably should have asked this earlier, but when you were kind of deciding between known or unidentified, what was kind of your thoughts whenever you were thinking about that?
00:11:26
Speaker
Yeah, um I think kind of bringing it back to my family and support system and the way that I was raised very much um with the foundational belief that family is who you make it. DNA is not your family.
00:11:40
Speaker
And so coming from from that core belief, think, I wanted to kind of leave it up to the intended parents. um Ultimately it's their decision. This is their family. um And I really, i think in in my bio, when there's a section that asks if there was a message that you wanted to leave to any donor conceived children.
00:12:01
Speaker
and what I put there was like, I'm i'm not your parent. i'm i'm I'm not that person for you, but I will always be proud of you. um And I'm so happy that you are getting to go into a family that is so loving and dedicated to bringing you into the world.
00:12:19
Speaker
That's something that's super special and something that should be really cherished. And so, yeah. No, that's beautiful. I think, i mean, especially donor conceived people, i mean, they are so
Egg Retrieval Experience
00:12:33
Speaker
wanted, so wanted.
00:12:35
Speaker
And I love that that is that tone of your message. Yeah. Yeah. It's something, I mean, I'm, I don't know any donor conceived children, but um as I started the process, I started looking more into a lot of, a lot of the culture around it. And I know that there's so many social movements around it and actions for reform around donor restrictions and things like that. And so many stories are so inspiring and like, I,
00:13:06
Speaker
bringing it back to the personal view of it as well, um, of same sex relationships and the struggles that you have to go through is in a same sex relationship to create your family.
00:13:17
Speaker
Like you said, it's, it's takes a lot of dedication um, to be the product of that is something that's so special. And I feel like a lot of a lot of what you hear from those stories is just ah an overwhelming sense of love.
00:13:32
Speaker
And I just think that's so amazing. And so being able to contribute to that is, it's a really nice journey. I really appreciate it. No, for sure. mean, again, love that it like that underlying, you know, just, I guess your why is this idea of wanting to again, just,
00:13:55
Speaker
give back to just give back into the world, especially give back to your community. And then, yeah, you get to be just that, that little part of, um, ah you know, creating a little person that is going to be part of another community that is so special and so loved. And, you know, that's, I mean, that's gotta feel so good.
00:14:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's a really nice feeling. Yes, for sure. For sure. And I mean, again, knowing that, However you choose to grow your family, your, you know, little person going to also be, know, a part of special community like that.
00:14:33
Speaker
Like that's kind of, yeah that's pretty neat. Yeah. ah So, okay. Going back to you know, your cycle, I know you were guided. I know it felt good, but how did you feel as you were kind of leading up to the big day? You're going through all of the meds and things like that.
00:14:49
Speaker
How are you feeling? Oh, yeah. ah Bloated. think I feel.
00:14:55
Speaker
I really reached out at least on every other like woman in my life that I know has gone through something similar um and like IVF process. So my aunt and my sister-in-law, and I think I sent my sister-in-law a picture of um the egg ah from the Shrek movie, and i was like, this is how I feel right now. this I feel large, round. um and So that was, I think, the biggest thing. But it was nice. go Every appointment that I went to, everyone was like, how you feel?
00:15:27
Speaker
Floated? And I was like, how did you know? Shocking. Wow. So yeah, just that was like the biggest thing was like, I know this isn't going to last forever, but like,
00:15:40
Speaker
two or three weeks of just feeling large was, was fun. sure. Yes. Sweatpants are your friend. The seatbelt doesn't feel good. Yeah. Oh yeah. i invested in like, I think I went to the American Eagle and I was like, I just need one pair of jeans that doesn't look like sweatpants, but feels like sweatpants. So that's what we'renna we're going we're going to invest in real quick. And so i love it that was good.
00:16:03
Speaker
Yeah, honestly, and I wear them all the time. Anytime that it's like a weekend, but I have a friend hang out. We're going out to like brunch or something, but I don't want to dress up.
00:16:14
Speaker
Those are my go-to pants now, so it was a great investment. See, there you Exactly. So, yeah. So aside from that, it was, I have a lot of friends and work friends who were super invested in the process too. um And so I would share like a lot of the videos that I took for, to share with social media.
00:16:33
Speaker
um i was also sharing with them and I was like, so who wants to see my injection today? were like, me. Pick me.
00:16:41
Speaker
So yeah, that was fun. i I know that I did have some reservations about the birth control, which I know is a very normal process, but ah just, i had the unique experience of never having to use birth control before.
00:16:56
Speaker
And so that was one that I was like concerned about. i i And I don't know if I'm just. What were the concerns surrounding it? yeah Like, I don't, I didn't know how my body would react. I didn't know if I would have adverse reactions or ah if I would get just really PMS-y and mean. Uh-huh. Nope, that's real.
00:17:17
Speaker
Yeah. And so my wife was very like, don't worry, like, whatever it is, we'll approach it. um I don't think I had any, like, really strong, I think, emotional reactions until the week before retrieval.
00:17:30
Speaker
Sure. I that was just because, yeah, I'm not home. I'm not in my safe space. And that was all. Well, it's a lot happening all at once, right? Like exactly like you said, you're in a different spot.
00:17:42
Speaker
You're in a hotel, which I mean, you can make a hotel as homey as possible, but it's not home. Yeah. You're, you're bloated. You're uncomfortable. You're waking up early, like every day to go to, you know, those check appointments and everything.
00:17:55
Speaker
mean, I know your wife said she wasn't doing anything, but I think her just being there was like, like you said, like really nice she was that comfort. She was that familiar. she was, she was. So yeah, I think other than like,
00:18:07
Speaker
I think aside from the physical effects of everything that was going on, emotionally, i just kind of, I got a week off of work. So that was nice. love So I kind of just got to like refocus on myself a little bit and was just excited about the journey. It was really nice the week right before the retrieval.
00:18:27
Speaker
um The intended parents ah did send me like some really good cookies, which were, john oh my gosh, so good. And then that really got me through so much. and then they sent me just a little thank you note too. And so those little moments were, I think I told my wife, I was like, I don't feel like I'm, I'm like PMSing too hard kind of energy. Like I'm not,
00:18:51
Speaker
Getting super emotional or like reacting too much, except for that message did like really make me cry. And I was like, I'm crying happy. Like, I'm just glad to be a part of the process.
00:19:04
Speaker
And then i cried also because I made myself laugh too hard at like a very unfunny joke that my wife made like two hours prior. And I was like, I laughed for like a good 30 minutes and was like in tears laughing. And I was like, I need you to know wasn't that funny, so don't let it go to your head.
00:19:23
Speaker
obviously There's obviously just a lot going on. There's obviously just a lot going Just a lot. ah yeah I love it. I love it. Going back to, talk with donors and intended parents and a lot of, they everybody brings up that sweet, special letter.
00:19:46
Speaker
um What was that like, you know, receiving that? Did you write one? um i I did not. I asked my, i asked Angela to send back um a little thank you message to the intended parents. yeah um But it was, it was just something along the lines of, and kind of going back to the reason why I did this process, which i think is why it hit me so hard. I've just, the intended parents were like, you know because we're a same sex couple, we knew that this would be a challenge to start our family. And you're making that process easier and helping in that process. And so they just wanted to say thank you. And so that obviously hit very close to home as well. So so it was just very nice.
00:20:29
Speaker
And so I think at the time my wife was taking a nap. So I was just sitting on the bed, just like having a little crying like being very happy. And then I messaged Angela back and I was like, please tell them. Thank you so much. This is so meaningful to me too. And yeah.
00:20:44
Speaker
I mean, I think like, you know, obviously you know what a big deal it is and what you're doing, but I think whenever you like really get those sweet personal messages, Whether it's, you know, known or an unidentified cycle, like, I mean, when you hear directly from those intended parents, there's just something that like really gets your heart whenever you yeah have that.
00:21:05
Speaker
Oh, it's, it's like these two people. It's not some like obscure, you know, just idea. It's like these two people like, I'm helping this little family. That just little bit of connection. It it makes the world.
00:21:18
Speaker
Oh, I love that. I love that so, so much. So, okay. Day of retrieval. How was it? Well, first, well, I guess, okay. So for those who don't know with egg donation, you, the reason why you're there for like a week is because you have to go every single day. And then at some point they tell you the clinic says, okay, yep. Nope. You're ready.
00:21:38
Speaker
You're going to do that trigger shot. You're, you know, retrieval's tomorrow. So kind of like every morning. Checking my emails every hour. Exactly. Like, like it's kind of this sort of like wait and see game, which can kind of be, you know, a little nerve wracking. But again, thank goodness we have our support.
00:21:53
Speaker
um But what was that like whenever you did get that email and you were like, oh, like this is happening. Yeah, I was super excited. And I think that night I couldn't like, little like Christmas, I couldn't sleep. I was like, okay, I got to make sure I wake up on time and I got to drink my water. And then I, okay, okay, we have everything in place. And so my wife was very helpful at that time. We were like, hey, this is what I'm going to wear. And then I was like texting her, I was like, am I allowed to wear sweats?
00:22:25
Speaker
I don't think I can put on jeans today. And she was like, absolutely, yes please put on sweats. please like yeah I was super excited. And then i remember I arrived to the clinic, um walked on back and i was hanging out, got, got dressed in my little, like cute little gown for, yeah for the operation and then hung out in the gurney and I'd never gone through anesthesia before. And so my wife had, and she was like, so it's basically, they're going to count you down and then you're going to wake up.
00:22:56
Speaker
And I was like, I couldn't comprehend what that would mean. Like, you just wake up. Like, the sense of lost time. and I was like, okay. And i think the new Lady Gaga song had just dropped, like, the day or two days prior. and I love it. And was like, when I come you've got to play that for me, okay? And she was like, okay. And I was like, I feel like this is really going to help with whatever I'm going through.
00:23:21
Speaker
And she's like, okay. And so, and i mean, it's 7 in the morning. like I don't know how I had any energy at all, but I did. Yes, and well, it's Christmas morning. Exactly, it's Christmas morning. And so I was joking with the nurses when we were going to the operating room. i was like, so, you know, the gurney, can you do any sick tricks?
00:23:42
Speaker
And she was like, what do you mean? Yes. And I was like, can you do, like, a drift, like, maybe a kickflip? And she was like, girl, we're lucky if it moves. And I was like, and, you know, that's facts.
00:23:52
Speaker
I completely understand. I love it! So we go into the operating room and um the anesthesia... I will say it's a little, like, jarring when they strap down your legs.
00:24:07
Speaker
Oh, sure. Because i was like, yeah I've been used to having my legs... put up for the last while yeah absolutely yes we you know as women when we go the ob this is not anything brand new not new at all and so they but then they strapped me down i was like oh i mean that makes sense maybe it makes sense and then the anesthesiologist comes up and puts on the little oxygen mask and he's like you're ready for the margarita mix and i was like yeah nice Yes, this is the energy love.
00:24:40
Speaker
This is the energy that we're looking for. Good vibes. And so then he he straps me up and he's like, okay, we're ready. It might feel a little bit spicy.
00:24:51
Speaker
And I didn't know what he meant by that. And then I was laying there and i was like, yeah, I feel floaty. floaty And then i woke up. There go. My wife was so real about that. i was like, I don't even, yeah, it truly is just complete loss of time.
00:25:07
Speaker
And i my wife took a video and thank God she did because it's so funny coming out of the anesthesia yeah because I'm trying to tell her everything that just happened. Everything I just explained to you and trying to f explain to her. I'm like, shut up.
00:25:22
Speaker
yeah and Yeah, and then I came and he said it was me spicy. And like i not none of it makes sense. And I guess the nurse is like, is she repeating herself? And my wife's like, and I couldn't tell you.
00:25:36
Speaker
Couldn't tell It's like those wisdom teeth videos where like, yes. Yes! um Just like nothing makes sense. oh But she did play me the abracadabra song, which is so incredible.
00:25:48
Speaker
And that, yeah. So it was great. um i mean, what was even better is that when Angela came in, um because i didn't get to see her until after I think the operation, but she was there right before. And the some of the nurses came in, they were like, hey, so there's this Angela person trying to get in.
00:26:07
Speaker
And I was like, yeah, it's Angela Perez. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my coordinator. dog here And they were like, Angela Perez. And I was like, yes. Like she was famous. And that they were like, we know Angela.
00:26:19
Speaker
Yes. All right. So they were all, they all were close with Angela. Angela, I think, used to work there. and so it was, the energy was very nice. Everybody was like, no knew each other and had a great energy. and so coming back into that energy was very nice.
00:26:36
Speaker
Oh, I love that. And special shout out to Angela. Oh, she's so, she's such a, such a mom. Oh my gosh. She just hugs you. No, when she came in, she gave me a little hug. She was like, how are we doing? And I was yeah great. And she was like, I think right before I went in, and she was like, are we nervous?
00:26:51
Speaker
And I was like, You know, actually, no, like and little jitter, but like, I'm not scared. kind of be And so she was like, okay, good, good. And like you said, very mother energy, very caring. She's so sweet. I love her. oh she's just. the best she is just yes oh my gosh i love it she single time I call her, she's like, Hey honey.
00:27:12
Speaker
And I'm like, Oh yes. I feel your hugs. I feel your hugs. Oh my gosh. Oh, I love that. And I love that. I mean, of course you were jittery. That makes sense. But I mean, when you've been prepared, when you've been guided, when you, for the most part, know what to expect, it, you get to kind of just have that fun, excitement, jittery, not the exactly nervous. I don't know what's happening. Jittery.
00:27:36
Speaker
Exactly. Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that we were in spicy margarita dreams. That's fantastic. Yes. I love that's how he described it. Yes. Yes. A good to keen rim. Yeah. No.
00:27:49
Speaker
That's amazing. So how did you like, so. Again, afterwards, I mean, you were having your spicy margarita, and then all of a sudden you're awake again.
00:28:01
Speaker
have all of these good vibes. We get back to the hotel. How was rest, recovery? And then did it ever sink in? Like, when did it kind of sink into you that, like, oh, yeah, I just, like, did a thing?
00:28:12
Speaker
I just did a thing. um Yeah. It was, like, definitely a few hours later because – just how do i explain it not that i didn't had a very good sense of my body but it was just kind of like riding off of the anesthesia i'm sure i didn't feel like any pain i was like dang i killed it yeah like we're we're winning at life right now it's like my body's made to do this
00:28:40
Speaker
We're killing it. We're having such a good time. um And then we got back to the hotel. And then just to be like and cautious, got a hot pack. And i think I was like binging some TV shows or something. yeah um And my wife was taking care of me. And I was like, you know, I want chocolate.
00:28:57
Speaker
So please go get me chocolate. she was like, great. On my way. Be right back. Oh, yes. And with sweet treats. And so I just got pampered that day. So I was just enjoying being pampered.
00:29:10
Speaker
And then I finally got the email that was like, hey we got 22 eggs from the retrieval. Wow. I didn't have a comprehension of like how many that was.
00:29:21
Speaker
Until they were like, wow, that's crazy. And then I was like, looking up, it's like, what is the average amount that people get? got Oh, that is a lot. yeah And so once I saw that email, was like, oh yeah, that was like a whole thing.
00:29:36
Speaker
Like we did a whole thing that day. but taking an a Yes. You did a whole thing that day. So, and again, you know, for, for people who, who don't know,
00:29:47
Speaker
You know, we actually, we had a, Dr. Havman from um Dallas IVF, she does a amazing explanation of, you know, just kind of like this process. And I love it. like the sports reference of like, our body has all of these eggs.
00:30:01
Speaker
And, you know, like that one month, you just kind of, normally you just release the one egg. Well, what they're doing is they're like, they're bringing all of your, like the people on the bench, they're like bringing them up for the team and all of that.
00:30:12
Speaker
But like you said, it does vary how many of those that that you can get. and I mean, 22, that's fantastic. Yeah, I was like, I can't think I came back to work the a few about Monday and i was like, any of y'all need eggs, I got them, okay? Just as well as you guys.
00:30:30
Speaker
I got two eggs right here, okay? So yeah, it a great running joke. No, I love it. We're gonna put a banner up. Like, yes, these are things we should be proud of.
00:30:43
Speaker
Oh, I love it. I love that. But I mean, like you said, you, okay, so you had that, you got to, you, a retrieval happens, you got to be pampered that day, and then you went back to work on a Monday.
00:30:54
Speaker
Yeah. think I did take, I did take that Monday off because I think, ah Coming off of all of those hormones after a while, the nausea finally hit. I had some very mild nausea, thing thankfully, because I usually have terrible nausea. So was fully expecting to be in the trenches this entire time. um And because had terrible, I had car sickness when I was a kid, motion sickness all the time. So I was like very prepared. i had Dramamine ready.
00:31:22
Speaker
yes i was prepared to be struggling. And so I didn't really have a whole lot of terrible nausea up until that Monday. And then I was like, yeah, we're, we're going to call into work today. It's going to be a rough one.
00:31:36
Speaker
yeah But then that Tuesday i was good. I was chilling. And so I was following doctor directions and I, and something that was really, i felt so reassured by my sister-in-law had unfortunately experienced the, um,
00:31:52
Speaker
hyperstimulation syndrome. And so she was such a great resource for, in addition to all of the doctor guidance, I was just like, Hey, keep an eye out for this. This is what my experience was yeah like, keep checking in and letting me know.
00:32:06
Speaker
And so what was so reassuring was how attentive, um all of the team were on everything. um And so they had me, you know, on a regimen. I would use the restroom first thing in the morning and then weigh myself right after and just making sure to drink lots of water. And it was so, like said, just reassuring. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one responsible for checking and clocking if something was out of place.
00:32:35
Speaker
yeah Um, and so I was able to rely on Angela and then the doctors and then all of my extra resources. So that was really nice. Part of the recovery was being able to check in with someone be like, Hey, this is normal, right? yeah was yeah Yeah. Yeah.
00:32:51
Speaker
You're fine. Well, and I love that because mean, you're, it doesn't just stop on the day that, you know, you got the email of, Hey, we got 22 eggs. And then like, you're just done.
00:33:02
Speaker
like yeah, people are checking in. You're, i mean, you're Ruth. You're not just a, you know, number like your roof. They want to know how you're doing. I mean, yeah, that's a big deal. was really nice.
00:33:14
Speaker
It meant a lot that we, that we would be able to have that kind of connection. And so Checking everything. Everything was going good. So after that one rough day of nausea. Sure. Which is to be expected. After that. Yes. To be expected.
00:33:28
Speaker
Everything was great after that. And then i was just kind of counting down the days that I could go back to the gym. Cause I think that was the only thing that I was like, I feel like I'm doing nothing right now. I'm on restrictions. I can't, I'm not allowed to lift anything or do anything. so I was just kind of sitting at home, like twiddling my thumbs after work being like, okay, sure.
00:33:47
Speaker
Sure. Your body kind of has like pent up energy. like Exactly. I need to do something. um so we were counting down the days and and then kind of after that week,
00:33:59
Speaker
after And then I got my first menstrual cycle and then just kind of felt like I was back to normal, back to business and mutual. I love that. and I mean, I think one of the important things that I want to like highlight that you said were, was that you were so adamant about following the yeah you know, just post-procedure.
00:34:22
Speaker
everything that they asked for you to do, because that's so important. Because I think, like you said, you like you felt good that first day. and it's so yeah easy to kind of trick yourself into being like, I'm winning at this. I'm like, we're good. It's fine. like And I absolutely did.
00:34:35
Speaker
was like, oh, we're done. We're good. Like back to everything. else like texting like, see you Monday, girl. And then Monday morning hit and was like, hey.
00:34:48
Speaker
Just kidding. So... listen, I feel like I'm on a boat that I can't get off of. oh Sorry. And so I'm really lucky to have a job and and a ah team that I work with that are so supportive of this journey.
00:35:07
Speaker
And so they were very supportive of my inability to come to work that day. Well, they probably didn't let you there. No, I bet that they didn't. bet they'd get cranky.
00:35:20
Speaker
I called one of them, I was like, hey. and Okay, okay. Say no more. Heard, heard.
00:35:30
Speaker
I love that. Yes. Well, and again, like having that support, having, mean, obviously, of course, having your wife be supportive, but yes, having work know and support you and be flexible. And, you know, I mean, just all of that is yeah just paramount to having a successful and just good, good journey. Exactly. Yeah.
00:35:52
Speaker
Oh, that's amazing. So, okay. Since then, You, you know, like you said, you were, you had, you were back normal. You got to start working out again. We're back to work. And heard recently we got good news.
00:36:07
Speaker
Yes.
Celebrating Embryo Creation
00:36:08
Speaker
So I recently got a message from Angela that there were nine normal embryos, which is so huge. So big. Yes. Fantastic news. So I let her know. I like, please like tell the intended parents, like I am wishing them so much love and well wishes for this next step in their journey. Cause that's such, that's, it's so nice to know that they have so many opportunities.
00:36:32
Speaker
Yeah, no, for sure.
00:36:39
Speaker
is an amazing amount of eggs. And that equated to nine healthy embryos, which is also a really big number, but that 22 eggs does not equal 22 embryos.
00:36:52
Speaker
And so i think just science wise, like just for people to realize, like, that Like, this is, it takes time. it I mean, and they're, like you said, there is kind of a little bit of a journey afterwards to to get to hear that good news.
00:37:08
Speaker
I love that. Yes. No, it was really nice. I was telling everyone, because I have another friend of mine who stops in to work usually at the end of each other day. it. And she's considering doing egg donation, but- um So I've been like talking her through the journey and like everything that's been going on. yeah So when I got that message, it was like,
00:37:28
Speaker
guess what? this is what happened. And I remember having that conversation, just as you said, like, it doesn't, how many eggs get retrieved, it's not always equate to how many healthy embryos you'll get.
00:37:40
Speaker
um And so I was talking her through that. She was like, because i I forgot if it was her or someone else was like, so they just pull one egg And I was like, no. No. no We don't do all of that for just one.
00:37:53
Speaker
Not just one, no. Get as many as we can and then see what we get from there. And then, excited i forget who, I think it was one of my coworkers or my dad that I was talking to. And they were like, okay, so so they get however many embryos from that and and then what? and I was like, well, then they get to choose from from those and and that's theirs.
00:38:16
Speaker
Right. And so I think there's a big misconception about And I think also it comes from maybe a lack of education as well. um But just a misconception about how that process works. so It's not easy as one, two, three. its There's so many variables involved and there's so many chances for risk.
00:38:36
Speaker
And so it's, I can only imagine for an intended parent how nerve wracking that process is And so, yeah it's being on on this end and just knowing that I did good.
00:38:52
Speaker
You did. There were so many. You were winning. You won day. It's so nice. It feels, feels very good. Yes. Yes. Well, again, right. Like, I mean, you know, that 22 just made that number higher of the possibility of having those healthy embryos and that, I mean, knowing that you were continuing to be able to give, you know, that hope or that little bit of, you know, maybe relief as those intended parents continue to kind of hold their breath for that next part. And that next step is, yeah, that's gotta feel good. And I mean, yes, you're right. Like exactly what you were trying to,
00:39:27
Speaker
explaining to your dad, it's, you know, yes, there's nine embryos. And then of that, there's, you know, and they're healthy, but of that there's grades. And, you know, there isn't like not that's that's not average information to a lot of people, unless you're, you know,
00:39:42
Speaker
part of that third party. Exactly. yeah Exactly. um And so I think it's wonderful that not only do you have a friend who is thinking about doing this and so you're being able to explain all of it, but I mean, you get to kind of advocate for like just being able to spread that information and making this a topic that isn't taboo.
Perspectives on Family and DNA
00:40:01
Speaker
And i love that people feel so comfortable asking you those questions and that you're willing to yeah be able to just share your experience.
00:40:08
Speaker
Absolutely. No, I'm very ah blessed and lucky to have so many people in my life, both family and friends who are so supportive and interested and find value in things like this that that I'm doing aside from my day to day.
00:40:26
Speaker
and I mean, it doesn't come it doesn't come without its struggles. I'm sure a lot of egg donors go through. i've had thankfully scarce conversations, but still a conversation or two here and there of people being like, oh,
00:40:39
Speaker
so you have a kid? was like, no. No, don't. had a conversation with a distant family member who was like, oh, so my DNA's out there. was like, girl, it's like barely an eighth of your DNA, actually.
00:40:56
Speaker
So, no. And just being like so, and this person was not invited to my wedding, keep in mind, so. understanding for that Yeah, uh-huh. And so part of this perspective of like,
00:41:08
Speaker
oh, I don't know how I feel about like my DNA being out there. And maybe this is just falling back on some of the foundational beliefs that I was raised on of your family's who you make it, not your DNA. and And so I think a lot of people just weren't, they don't get that. And it's hard to have that perspective. And I totally understand it, but I can't wrap my head around that that idea that you think that that has more to do with you than just biological matter.
00:41:39
Speaker
um Like, I think we all very much have that perspective of our minds are so much different than our bodies. and And so your mind is always attributed to how you were raised, the the environments you're around and the foundational beliefs that you were raised on.
00:41:58
Speaker
And that is purely about the people that you are around as you grow up and has nothing to do aside from biological and and medical to do with your DNA and who attributed to that.
00:42:13
Speaker
I'm so glad to be a part of that process. Um, and it's unfortunate. I think that not more people have that perspective. I mean, yes i completely agree I completely agree. I mean, yes, there is something to be said for the DNA aspect, like you said, of just medically knowing, you know, just your medical history. You you need that as a human being, right? Like we did to just, every yeah every human deserves to to have that, um you know, just as anybody navigates life.
00:42:42
Speaker
But it can stop there because it is about that community and it is about the people that are pouring into you and loving on you. And and that is your family, You know, think you could say your friends are chosen family. You could, whether, you know, if you do have a biological, you know, two biological parents, like you, i mean, your community and your family is exact, is more than just DNA.
00:43:05
Speaker
um And that, that is such a beautiful perspective to have and spread that, that love and that energy. Because, you know,
00:43:15
Speaker
because I feel like more and more it should be, i mean, it's not a mystery, but not a lot of people talk about it, right? Like how you build your family, it isn't just one way. yeah And it that all every every single every single moment of that should be celebrated.
00:43:33
Speaker
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. No, I love that. How did you, so with, you know, the... You know, maybe we'll skip over the family member. um But how did you maybe navigate those conversations or maybe just that question of like, oh, so you have a kid out there?
00:43:50
Speaker
Like, how did you kind of navigate that? um I think to that direct like, oh, you have a kid out there? i was like, no. Yeah. The answer to that question is no.
00:44:00
Speaker
I definitely helped somebody else have a kid, but I don't have one. And um I think that's that' kind of my approach to a lot of things is not necessarily um I don't entertain an argument, but I will give you a direct answer.
00:44:16
Speaker
Love that. And so that, like a conversation that I had had was someone expressed their perspective of they could not do this process because they didn't, they didn't want to do that.
00:44:27
Speaker
And I was like, and I understand that, but I do. Thanks so much. Cool. Let's move on. fun um And like I said, like, I can understand where people come from with that. But I do, I do believe that it is a limited perspective. And I think in, thankfully, i do believe that a lot of people are moving toward that understanding that, like you said, families come around in so many different ways. And there are so many different ways to be a family.
00:44:57
Speaker
and because of that fluidity, we should have fluidity and understanding how to contribute to that. So it's like I said, not an argument. we We can agree to disagree, but.
00:45:10
Speaker
Sure, sure. yeah Yeah. Well, and if that's something that you don't want to do, that's totally fine. But guess what? You can support me in doing it. And that's that. Exactly. my Exactly. Thanks so much. Yeah. ah So I guess, so for anybody who may be,
00:45:26
Speaker
who maybe does have family members who kind of do have that obscure idea of like, oh, so i you know, they kind of make it about themselves. So I have DNA floating out there. What would you maybe say to somebody who's navigating that?
00:45:40
Speaker
Like, especially, I know i was, I was speaking to, a i was speaking to an egg donor um and they were, they were talking to, it was a parent and they were like, so I have like this, this grandchild and I like she and I both like, what i was like, no, you don't.
00:45:56
Speaker
No, you don't. Yeah. yeah
00:46:02
Speaker
It's a difficult conversation to have, and yeah especially with people that you, that feel like that is about them. Like you said, I think that's a really good way to, to put it is having the perspective of, of it's a, it's a me thing, not a you thing. And I've, I'm not trying the focus should be supporting this person that you care about.
00:46:22
Speaker
um My advice, I think would be first identify your comfortability in that conversation. I'm personally someone who, like said, I don't argue. i will give you my honest answer and move on.
00:46:33
Speaker
um But that can sometimes be definitely taken as um confrontational. And so identifying your comfortability in that conversation first, first and foremost is where you want to be.
00:46:46
Speaker
And then what is, I guess, your truth? What, what, what line do you want to set? What boundary do you want to hold for yourself that ensures that you are comfortable?
00:46:59
Speaker
And for me, that was correcting someone when they said, oh I have a grandchild. Oh, I have DNA out there. No, you don't, you don't have, Anything, actually.
00:47:13
Speaker
This is just something that I'm doing that I'm passionate about. And I think it's really cool. And if you believe that you have some stake in that, that is your problem and not mine.
00:47:25
Speaker
and sir no I love that. Just, yeah. Simple. The end. yeah we We're just not even going to entertain going into all of the things. Yeah. If you're a donor or especially if you're a surrogate, you're already going through so much.
00:47:38
Speaker
like you You don't need to be taking on anybody else's opinions or feelings about what you're doing. Cause at the end of the day, it actually doesn't affect them. It affects only you. The end. Mic drop. The end.
00:47:49
Speaker
The end. Period. I love that. No, I mean, Ruth, you're so right. And I love just how complete that is. Simple, complete.
00:48:00
Speaker
Like, there it is. Oh, that's amazing. Okay. What, you know, I feel like i you just keep giving all of these amazing nuggets nuggets of advice, but if you were to just either say to day one, Ruth, you know, just giving her advice or maybe to any woman out there who is thinking about being an egg donor, what advice would you want to give them?
00:48:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Um, I personally anyways, am independent to a fault and at my own expense sometimes. Yeah. So my advice would be to lean on your resources. Um, obviously it seems overdone. There's never a stupid question, but it's so nice to be able to say like, Hey, this is what I'm experiencing. And someone says, Oh yeah, I went through the exact same three. You're all good.
00:48:53
Speaker
It's, it just, it, takes an emotional weight off that you maybe won't know that you're carrying. And so leaning on your resources on the guides that you'll have available for you in the process, but also the other women in your life.
00:49:08
Speaker
I, definitely don't think that I was as aware as I am now of how many women in my life went through this process as well. And so it was so nice to be able to have that connection. Like my wife's aunt, um, also works at a, at a fertility clinic and I somehow just didn't know that.
00:49:28
Speaker
And so she was texting me every day and she was like, Hey, how's it going? Like, let me know what your results were. And And so it opened up a lot more communication and connection to people that I don't think I would have had that opportunity otherwise. So lean on your resources.
00:49:44
Speaker
Lean on your resources. That is excellent. Excellent advice. Oh, that's amazing.
Reflecting on Contributions and Community Bonds
00:49:50
Speaker
ruth you, I mean, i could probably just talk about it all day. Just how, just how amazing you are, how, what you did and how amazing it is You know, I mean, i think,
00:50:02
Speaker
I feel like, like i I mean, I was a surrogate myself and I feel like that you you kind of do this thing and then life just keeps going. And unless you are intentional about stopping and really reflecting on what you've done,
00:50:16
Speaker
It's kind of easy to just gloss over it. And so I um i love that I've gotten the opportunity to sit here and just get to really, um you know, just have this time to reflect on what an amazing thing that you have done and what you continue to do by talking to others and by educating others and being willing to have those those tough conversations, albeit short and sweet because we're direct.
00:50:42
Speaker
So my last question to you, and it's a fun one for anyone who knows me. And I know you've seen me just sipping on my coffee this entire time, but, um, coffee and i have a beautiful relationship with each other. i'm very codependent.
00:50:54
Speaker
Um, and so I always like to ask the question, what filled your cup today, literally or figuratively, what's been the thing that has filled your cup?
00:51:05
Speaker
Yeah. If we want to talk literally, I also have some coffee, right? Yes, queen. Yes. I'm here for it. Absolutely. need get my coffee. No, must. Talking on a very, very real note.
00:51:19
Speaker
um This journey has been, like I said, so enlightening in so many ways. It has brought me so many connections to... relationships that I didn't know that I had, um and also just gave me a sense of connection, I think, like I said, to my community um as a queer person. And ah this specific first cycle being with same sex couple just made me really have a lot of appreciation for the process and that like meaningful contribution. So that's but really been taking up a lot of my, my emotional headspace during that process.
00:51:52
Speaker
I love that. That's beautiful. It's beautiful. And again, i love the fact that we get to celebrate so many extra things. We get to, yeah you know, not only just celebrate the fact that you as an egg donor are, you know, helping to create a family, but again, that cherry on top of getting to like specifically pour into the LGBTQ community, which that just was good.
00:52:15
Speaker
Oh, that's amazing. Well, thank you, Ruth. So, so, so much just for, for more than just this, for everything you're doing. Thank you. Well, thank you for having me on. This was so nice. but
00:52:29
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of me, you, and who we appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the me, you and who podcast community.
00:52:47
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:53:14
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:53:40
Speaker
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