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S3 E26 Who?! From Heartbreak to Hope: Ali’s Story of Love, Loss, and Parenthood
56 Plays1 month ago
Summary:
In this heartfelt conversation, Whitney sits down with Ali to discuss her powerful journey through grief and surrogacy. Ali opens up about the challenges of losing her husband, Thomas, and the emotional complexities of pursuing motherhood after loss. She shares her experience with the surrogacy process—from the delicate steps of egg retrieval to the moment she found the perfect match in Ashley. Together, they explore the importance of support systems, the joy of parenting, and the ongoing presence of love and loss. Ali’s story is one of resilience, faith, and honoring the past while embracing the future.
Takeaways:
- Grief can profoundly impact one's dreams and aspirations.
- Surrogacy can be a viable path for single parents.
- Family support is crucial during difficult times.
- Research and preparation are key in the surrogacy process.
- Honesty from medical professionals can guide important decisions.
- Living life to the fullest is a way to honor lost loved ones.
- Emotional resilience is built through support and faith.
- The process of egg retrieval can be both challenging and rewarding.
- Sharing one's story can help in the surrogacy journey.
- Ali felt an immediate connection with Ashley after reading her profile.
- Support systems are vital throughout the surrogacy journey.
- Every step of the surrogacy process felt meant to be for Ali and Ashley.
- The relationship between Ali and Ashley grew naturally over time.
- Communication was key in their relationship, especially during pregnancy.
- Delivery day was a magical experience for Ali and Ashley.
- Ali's grief for Thomas is intertwined with her joy for Tommy.
- Parenting brings a different kind of joy that is unique and profound.
- Ali emphasizes the importance of trusting in God's plan.
- The bond between Ali and Ashley extends beyond the pregnancy, creating a lasting friendship.
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Transcript
Allie's journey and the dream of motherhood
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone. Today I have the privilege of speaking with Allie, a woman whose journey to motherhood is nothing short of extraordinary. After the heartbreaking loss of her husband, Allie faced unimaginable grief while still holding on to her dream of becoming a mother.
00:00:19
Speaker
Through surrogacy, she found a path forward.
Strength and healing in Allie's story
00:00:22
Speaker
While unexpected, it was a journey filled with profound moments of joy. From navigating the egg retrieval process to finding the perfect match, and finally to the life-changing moment her baby boy Tommy was born, Allie's story is a testament to love's ability to endure transform and create new beginnings.
00:00:44
Speaker
This conversation is one of strength, healing, lots of giggles, and the beauty of never giving up on your dreams. I can't wait for you to hear Allie's incredible story.
00:00:56
Speaker
Enjoy.
Sponsor: Assisted Reproductive Technology Legal Services
00:00:58
Speaker
This episode of Me, You, and Who is brought to you by Chiles and Warren Law Group. If you're building your family through third-party assisted reproduction, be it surrogacy, egg, sperm, or embryo donation,
00:01:10
Speaker
you already know how important it is to have the right team supporting you every step of the way. That includes having an experienced legal team who understands assisted reproduction.
00:01:23
Speaker
Childs and Warren law group is a law practice solely dedicated to assisted reproductive technology. They've helped thousands of intended parents, surrogates, and donors navigate the legal side of family building with compassion, clarity, and care.
00:01:39
Speaker
Whether you're entering a donation agreement, a surrogacy agreement, or finalizing parentage in Texas, Childs and Warren Law Group brings years of experience and a deep commitment to protecting all parties involved.
00:01:52
Speaker
You can learn more or schedule consultation at childswarrenlawgroup.com. And if you reach out, let them know you heard about them here on the Me, You, and Who podcast.
Podcast mission: Exploring surrogacy and egg donation
00:02:04
Speaker
Me, you, and who? Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
00:02:24
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall and I am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families. With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Allie's friendship with the host and surrogacy journey
00:03:00
Speaker
But we are here talk about you, my Allie girl. Oh my goodness. I have to say, I mean, obviously on like a personal level, this just makes me so excited since you and I have known each other since we were taught I feel maybe not tots.
00:03:16
Speaker
We were yeah at least, you know, like children of driving age. But even then, like I just, I love, um it just makes me so excited that I get to have this moment with a friend.
00:03:32
Speaker
It's so special. It is. I can't believe we're here. i can't believe we're here. um really cannot believe we're here. i'm just Just with everything in life, right? I just can't believe we're here. It's just always so exciting. So but um so that everybody can just be brought into um the amazing you that you are.
00:03:51
Speaker
Let's go back. And um how did surrogacy even become part of your story?
Choosing surrogacy after husband's passing
00:04:00
Speaker
Yeah, but so I mean, it kind of all started, I have to say, with the passing of my husband, Thomas, m in May 2019.
00:04:08
Speaker
um he unexpectedly passed away, did lot did a lot of ah Work with therapy and everything to really work on my grief. I wasn't ready to become a mom, but him and I had been talking about starting a family actually just months after we had talked about that fall.
00:04:27
Speaker
We were going start trying for a family. So his passing, you know, kind of just... you know, shattered all those dreams. And so i you know, but it was always in the back of my mind. I've always wanted to be a mom. Like I've always been like when, like when growing up, they'd be like, what do want to be when you grow up? And I'd say a mom.
00:04:46
Speaker
Like I never gave a career career. i gave, I was like, I want to be a mom. And so that's the dream. That's the dream.
00:04:55
Speaker
It's the dream. And so, you know, it kind of happened that, you know, that was May 2019.
Medical consultations and decision for surrogacy
00:05:02
Speaker
In the fall of 2020, I'm a person who likes to get all the facts and all the information, even if not- are a research girl. You are a research detail-oriented girl.
00:05:14
Speaker
Yes. I sure am. So I was even though I'm not quite ready to start the journey of being a mom by myself, I was like I want to get all my information, all my ducks in a row.
00:05:25
Speaker
And so i went and saw a reproductive endocrinologist to discuss kind of the past we could look at. And so we are originally talking about IUI and me caring myself.
00:05:36
Speaker
Sure. However, it came up that I was on some medications that really needed to be run through a maternal fetal medicine doctor see if could stay on those safely while pregnant.
00:05:47
Speaker
And I ended up meeting with a wonderful maternal fetal medicine doctor who was very kind and very straightforward and told me that the medications I needed to be on she said, I can't tell you to go off of those medications, but I can't tell you it would be safe to carry a pregnancy on those medications.
00:06:03
Speaker
yeah And so I was like, okay, that's good to know. And then following that, I kind of had a crazy um health issue go on for a couple of years that went undiagnosed and it's still not fully diagnosed, but I'm doing much better. We keep under control. It's a gastrointestinal issues.
00:06:20
Speaker
So on top of that, when I met again with my reproductive endocrinologist a few years later, I told him what the maternal fetal medicine doctor said, as well as the issues I had been facing.
Grief, support, and becoming a single mom
00:06:31
Speaker
And we really decided it just was not a safe route for me or a baby to carry a pregnancy.
00:06:36
Speaker
Yeah. I feel like, and I don't mean to pause you, but... Just to like go back a little bit, I feel like there's just so many things happening all simultaneously.
00:06:47
Speaker
And like for those who don't know, like you and Thomas were not married for that long. So there's just kind of that heartbreaking aspect all on its own. you experience the one, just the most earth shattering moment.
00:07:04
Speaker
Then it's 2020 where, you know, I feel like in the midst of grief, it's also kind of that like, life keeps going, we need to move forward. Not get over, but like you're looking to move forward.
00:07:17
Speaker
And what does that look like for you? So you have all of that happening. Hi, by the way, there's like, you know, this whole pandemic thing happening simultaneously. And then you have all of these health issues simultaneously, which shout out to the MFM for being straightforward with you and not dancing around. like, of course, it's heartbreaking to hear, but also like, let's get the facts.
00:07:36
Speaker
Nice. you know I do appreciate her just being straightforward and being like, you know, like if I even took you off of these medicines, all of these things would be exacerbated by a pregnancy.
00:07:48
Speaker
Right. So like you would actually be so sick and it would be so dangerous for you and baby. And. I just appreciate her honesty. I mean, she said it in the nicest way, but I do appreciate, like you said, she was straightforward. Like, yes let's just put it out there. We love that.
00:08:04
Speaker
But again, like, it's, on I mean, it's still so hard because I feel like you, I mean, how did you navigate those kind of up and down moments of the obvious grief of losing Thomas than the,
00:08:19
Speaker
health issues that you're facing along with this like, okay, how I thought I was going to build my family is now completely just totally shifted.
00:08:33
Speaker
Yes. So, I mean, be honest, like, okay, always tell people this, but the day Thomas died, I actually said that afternoon as I sat on my parents' couch, just totally numb. I mean, you don't expect, of course, you receive a call that your 30-year-old husband has been taken to the hospital that he passed out.
00:08:52
Speaker
You never think you're going to get there and they're going to tell you the worst news of your life. And Four words going to change your life forever. He didn't make it. And that just shattered me in every way it could.
00:09:05
Speaker
and But that afternoon, I sat on my parents' couch, and it hit me, and I said, I'm never going to be a mom because I realized the person I planned on building my family with was gone.
00:09:17
Speaker
yeah And it took a lot of time to realize that, I could still be a mom. It wasn't going to be to his biological children or to his children.
00:09:28
Speaker
But it took a lot of time to realize that was still a possible path. It took really a lot of working through my grief of losing him for a long time before I could really even open up the idea of this different path.
00:09:43
Speaker
Because I just pictured it, you know, him and I had talked about a family like we always wanted kids like this was a core part of our relationship was that we wanted to become parents, you know, and so it definitely took when I say it all together, it sounds like this all happened overnight, but it took a lot of um work and really. and thinking about how I want to keep living my life. Like you said, it's moving forward. It's never moving on. Thomas is with me every day. My
Decision to pursue motherhood alone
00:10:12
Speaker
grief is with me. I will never be over my grief.
00:10:15
Speaker
You learn to carry it with you. And part of what I've learned is that I want to live life to the fullest. Like Thomas did. Thomas loved everyone. in he Joy. of Joy. oh my gosh. He was just the embodiment of joy.
00:10:31
Speaker
He truly was. It's, I always love talking to people who got to know him because they just say, you know, he just, he lit every room.
00:10:41
Speaker
And I feel, I mean, that almost feels so cliche to say, but like, it's true. He lit up every room. And i I mean, I really do just, I've always admired how, uh,
00:10:56
Speaker
You have never shied away from his joy and you have always celebrated his joy and his light and his life always. Yes. And, you know, i am just like, so after processing and, you know, it was really hard because the first few months you're just numb. I mean, it's total shock.
00:11:15
Speaker
You have no idea what to do. Where do you turn? Like, is this reality? You wake up every morning hoping you've had the worst nightmare of your life. Like you just. Mm-hmm. wake up and you just cry because you're like, how is this possible? I was hoping that was just like the worst nightmare. i hope I never have it again. Sure. But you learn to lean on the support of your friends, your family. i mean, my faith in God strengthened a lot during this time and that helped me a lot. And I just decided to keep living life and
00:11:47
Speaker
I knew that part of that was my dream to be a mom. And, you know, everyone has their own route with grief. And, you know, some people, you know, people always want to give you advice when you're grieving. which Oh, yes.
00:11:59
Speaker
Oh, yes. It means incredibly well. But everybody's journey is different. friend So nobody was giving me the advice, go do it by yourself, go be a single mom, you know, because everyone's like, oh, you'll meet someone else. And I'm like,
00:12:15
Speaker
Maybe, I don't know. I reached this point where I was like, okay, I feel like I'm in a healthy spot with my g grief and I really want to keep my life moving forward.
Egg retrieval process and family support
00:12:26
Speaker
And I want to keep this dream moving forward. And I'm not going to base this dream on meeting someone else. Like I am going move forward with what I know I want in my life. And I had prayed and prayed about it.
00:12:37
Speaker
And I had spoken about, like I said, I had spoken to a reproductive endocrinologist. Right. You did your research. You did all that research. I did my research. Just like one day I woke up and was like, this is it.
00:12:48
Speaker
I'm going to do this, you know? Yeah. You know, even my therapist said something to me when I said, you know, because she can't tell me if it's a good or a bad idea, things that I want to do, but, you know, they give feedback. Sure. And she was like,
00:13:00
Speaker
I feel really confident in your decision because this is something you've always longed for. You've made this very clear. This is not, you woke up one morning and said, I'm going to get pregnant. And it's just going to be that, like you have researched this, you have truly, you prayed about it.
00:13:15
Speaker
You have, it's been on your mind for years and, yeah you know, and so it's a good, it's a good move. And yeah, I guess up next was really um deciding and I guess that would have been 2023. I met with um my reproductive endocrinologist again and I said, well,
00:13:34
Speaker
Next step egg retrieval because there's nothing i can really do before that. And right so i said, let's kind of start that. And then I you know informed my family I was going to do this.
00:13:46
Speaker
Yeah. How was that? Because, yeah, I feel like went from exactly like you said, you're sitting on your parents' just having these waves of earth shattering, thinking about your future, I'm never going to be a mom, to like, hey, mom and dad, guess what?
00:14:07
Speaker
I mean, I think there was a little bit of stunned silence. I'm sure. It was definitely support after that, but it was a little more, I approached it as like, this is what I'm going to do?
00:14:17
Speaker
Not like a, what do you what does everyone think about this? Because I reached a point through therapy where I'm like, you know what, this is what I'm going to do with my life. and And, and then like, it was just, everyone was excited for me.
00:14:30
Speaker
and think there was hesitation about, you know, we didn't know how long it would take to find a GC and everything. so you know, when you tell some people, they're like, Oh, what does that mean? When will you have a baby? And I'm like, I truly have no idea. Like this is just the beginning. Like it could be years.
00:14:46
Speaker
It could be next year. And in my situation, it was the following year. It was next year. That was next year. faster than expected. So I had told everyone this might be a few years, but I got so much support from my family. They were just wonderful.
00:15:01
Speaker
um My sister-in-law actually took me to my egg retrieval and everything. And so that was great. It was great to have just the family support. And I went back and rested at my brother and sister-in-law's house after the egg retrieval. And my niece and nephew were there, and they were just so cute.
00:15:15
Speaker
ah My nephew was like, are you OK? hey Because there was the bandage from the IV on my arm. and Oh, sure.
00:15:25
Speaker
Sweet angels. Yes. Always looking, always loving on Aunt Bug. That's right. Yeah, everyone was super supportive and um it was wonderful. And, you know, I did all the shots by myself, including the trigger shots. So that was, people were kind of like, oh, you're doing all this by yourself.
00:15:45
Speaker
And I was like, it's really not that bad. Like, you know, when you want something so badly, Like I tell people, I was like, these are not just like, oh, I'm sick. I need this from the doctor. I was like, I want this so badly. I was like, these don't even really hurt, you know? And like, I was like, it's just part of my journey.
00:16:02
Speaker
And so I really, it was really great. And I feel like I had warned all close friends and family I'm doing these in case I have any weird hormonal outbursts. Sure. And everyone was like asking, how are you feeling and everything?
00:16:16
Speaker
And it honestly went way better than I expected. really didn't have a lot of reactions to the shots. And then i was like, thank God, like it was great. and then The big thing was just trying to keep myself distracted to like lead up date of like egg retrieval because, sure you know, they can't give you an exact day. And so you're just like, what is it going to be?
00:16:39
Speaker
And that's what my mom was going to take me. and then they ended up being out of town because the date ended up getting pushed slightly. So thankfully my sister-in-law stepped in and, um, so that's, what's so great to have such a big family and everyone who supports you on this journey because I can't imagine without them.
00:16:56
Speaker
And yeah, we had a successful egg retrieval, which was also a huge relief. if you just never know.
Matching with Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions
00:17:02
Speaker
for sure. I felt very, very blessed that that was um such a success.
00:17:08
Speaker
And for such a planner, I feel like the egg retrieval process is also so, exactly like you said, you don't know when the date's going to happen. You don't know what the result's going to be. I mean, it truly is like a test of faith.
00:17:22
Speaker
It is. I mean, I'm not kidding you. Not knowing the date was like truly like just driving me a little bonkers. and they were like, well, it might be this date. And they were like, actually, I think it's going to be next week. And I was like, what is it going to be?
00:17:34
Speaker
Just tell me a date. Tell me.
00:17:40
Speaker
At this point, just lie to me. No, don't do that. Right, and I wake up and I'm looking at the board like to see my number, how many eggs they got. And I'm like asking my sister-in-law, what? Does that mean that's how many eggs they And she's like, they're still counting.
00:17:53
Speaker
And I was like. Oh, we love the still counting. Yay. yeah
00:18:01
Speaker
That's great. So it was very, that was honestly a huge relief to get that. Yeah. Yeah. And that's like a big part of the process. And then I felt like I could really start the journey with surrogate solutions.
Excitement in matching with surrogate, Ashley
00:18:12
Speaker
So. No, for sure. For sure. And I love that. And again, you know, it just, it made me feel, i mean, it just makes I feel like it's just so special on a personal level because I love that I got to kind of have this like little just behind the scenes of like, you know, I got a, I get a call one day, like, Hey, would love to take you to lunch.
00:18:35
Speaker
Want to chat about something? I'm like, okay. Okay. Like try to play it cool. And I mean, truly like the fact that we went from, you know,
00:18:47
Speaker
this like we're having we're having breakfast to just all of a sudden like here we are. Again, just so exciting. But yes, you had a successful egg retrieval and then you started your matching process with Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions. And you did I mean, again, you did ah you're right in telling your family and friends like, hey, it could be next year. It could be two years from now.
00:19:09
Speaker
Just all of those things because the matching factors matter and just all of that. How was that for you to all of a sudden you, I mean, it feels like it was just, you had that successful egg retrieval and then it was go time from there.
00:19:27
Speaker
It was crazy fast. Honestly, just kept putting in God's hands. Every night I would pray for His plan, His will, and His timing. And I wouldn't pray for any specific timing. I said, like, I know your timing's perfect. I know that your plan is perfect. So if it takes 12 months, 18 months to match,
00:19:47
Speaker
Like, I know that this is meant to be, this baby is meant to be in whatever timing that you have, God. And so i just put it in his hands. But then it was crazy. I worked with Meg, who was wonderful, to get my profile up and running, which I'm a writer. So I had, it was a joy to write my profile.
00:20:05
Speaker
um I feel like I was so... Yes! Meg was like, I don't usually write these long answers. But I love sharing my story. And my story is such... It's such a big part of why I was doing this, not just the health journey, but sharing about my loss. And this is how, you know, all of this came about. And just that, you know, my late husband is such a big part of my life. Like he is, like he's not here physically, but Thomas is with me and feel him cheering me on and everything I
Building a supportive relationship with surrogate
00:20:36
Speaker
do. And I always say he was my biggest cheerleader here and I know he's my biggest cheerleader in heaven.
00:20:41
Speaker
So yeah. I felt him with me and worked with Meg. Of course, I had to put a photo of me with the dog since those are my other children. Naturally. Naturally. Yes.
00:20:52
Speaker
Yes. Absolutely. Yes.
00:20:56
Speaker
And then, yeah, we got it up and live. And then guess it was almost like a month to the day from when my profile went live when Meg said, like, there's a match or, you know, there's someone interested in your profile.
00:21:09
Speaker
And I called her immediately. i thought it was a mistake. She sent it to me because I was like, but And I was like, this young woman is amazing. I literally called Megan. I said, is this for real? Did you send this to the right person? Cause I couldn't believe it was one month and I just loved her profile.
00:21:28
Speaker
Like loved it. So I was like, I don't know. This feels too good to be true. Like, is this for me?
00:21:37
Speaker
I love that. But again, like, I mean, yes, it went fast, you know, all things considered, and the you know, it went fast. But it's also like, I mean, it's worth the wait because you do find profiles like that where you're like, no, no, no, no.
00:21:52
Speaker
This really is the perfect match. This is like, I just felt like an immediate connection with Ashley. Like i read her story and I was like, Oh my gosh, like, yes, I would love to meet with her virtually.
Anticipation and family support in motherhood journey
00:22:04
Speaker
And I was just over the moon and I was trying to like tailor my excitement and you know, you're always trying to be like, just in case, you know, but, but I was just like, my heart was like beating so quickly.
00:22:21
Speaker
I love it. I love Well, spoiler alert, you and Ashley were like the perfect match and you guys did end up like saying yes to each other.
00:22:33
Speaker
was that? i mean, just how was all of that as you were like, okay, this is a reality. And now you have this amazing person in your life and you know, this dream is actually becoming real.
00:22:48
Speaker
I mean, it was just, it was amazing. Like meeting her, like Ashley's personalities and mine go really well, especially for a journey like this.
Importance of a support system in surrogacy
00:22:56
Speaker
Because I am a high anxiety, high trying to plan everything. And she is very good at like keeping me calm and bringing me down to like, things are fine. Like it's okay.
00:23:07
Speaker
Like, you know, but in a very supportive way. So it was fun. I mean, she amazing. So wonderful. And just kind of the reality of it, you know, we started to jump through all the steps sharp toward transfer day. And it was just hitting me more and more. I was like, I'll probably have a baby next year. like this is the end of 2023. And I was like, I'll probably have a baby in 2024.
00:23:33
Speaker
This is so exciting. But again, some things just don't feel real till like more happens. Yeah. Yeah. But I was just so excited. And ah my family was really excited and hopeful when I told them that Ashley and I had matched and they were just lots of prayers and support.
00:23:54
Speaker
I mean, it's so vital to have that support system. I feel like that's just the consistent thing throughout just your your life and your journey and every up and down.
Becoming friends with surrogate, Ashley
00:24:03
Speaker
Like just having that support system is so vital, especially in something you know like this.
00:24:10
Speaker
Yes. Yeah, no, for sure. For sure. I love it. Were, were there any moments that just, I mean, I know it was, you know, just, oh my gosh, where I might have a baby next year and all of that. And, you know, and still, like you said, you're kind of like, you're tempering your excitement, you're, you know, you're, you're guarding your heart for, you know, just all of the inevitables that can, you know, that can possibly happen.
00:24:36
Speaker
Were there ever any points in time where you just had maybe just some key moments where you were just reaffirmed like, this is right. this is This is exactly how this was all supposed to happen.
00:24:49
Speaker
I mean, feel like the way things kept lining up between Ashley and me and every appointment, everything. Yeah. i' Going through psychological clearance. Like, I mean...
00:25:01
Speaker
She was like, y'all are definitely on the same page. Like it was just wonderful. There was just a lot of things that I felt like just kept lining up in a way that i was like, oh my gosh, this really feels meant to be.
00:25:14
Speaker
Like this is just we're on the same page and. It just it felt like every you know thing we checked off our list, I was like, oh, my gosh, that went so well.
00:25:24
Speaker
That was. Yeah. so Oh, it's legal clearance. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Like was a lot more like potentially back and forth, you know, i sha long because, you know, you never know. And I was like, oh, I feel like we're totally.
00:25:41
Speaker
but like I love it. Everything just reaffirming and she was wonderful. and We were getting to know each other through the process and that was really fine Yeah. To kind of like the first time we met in person was really, really exciting. I was so nervous because I was like, what is but if she thinks I'm just, you know, totally different in person than I am virtually? What if she doesn't like me when she needs me in person? What she says, never mind, not doing this.
00:26:07
Speaker
It's like the craziest first date ever. It really is. You're like, I know she likes me. Let me try to make my hair look nice.
00:26:18
Speaker
You guys, when did you guys meet? You guys met the first time at medical clearance? Like met in person the first time. and medical clearance, yeah. At medical clearance, yeah. So up um at Common Bond and got some food to eat. Yum, shout out. It was just a delight to get to meet her in person.
00:26:33
Speaker
And it was, yeah, I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this. Oh, I love it. I love it. Well, and again, how was growing that relationship from the nervousness of – you know, like first, first day, first date jitters, if you will, to, you know, now I'm seeing, which spoiler alert, Ashley got pregnant and I'm seeing Ashley at your baby shower.
00:27:00
Speaker
I mean, how, how did that like relationship grow? I think it just grew in a very, like, natural way. Yeah. Like, we would, like, text each other, kind of like friends do, you know? Check in and see how her week's going. How's her toddler? Like, how's life? How's she feeling about everything?
00:27:21
Speaker
And just kind of those casual, how's your week kind of starts out like that. Sure. So then we were pretty comfortable texting by the time she got pregnant. Like were able to talk more about that as well. So I think it just felt like a natural kind of like, oh, hey, how are you?
00:27:38
Speaker
What's going on this week? You know? Yeah. It just grew into a friendship. I love that. I mean, I think it's so important that, you you and Ashley both made the conscious effort to pour into each other even before there was ah positive pregnancy test.
00:27:58
Speaker
And so then when there was, you know, it was still that natural. We're not just talking about the pregnancy. It really is. Hey, how's your week? How's your kiddo? What's going on? Like, you know, that kind of thing.
00:28:09
Speaker
And I feel like that's just so important for, you any journey, um you know, with surrogacy because it is, you know, you're you're investing in each other. Definitely. I mean, I love the friendship we've created. We're actually going to go see her in a few weeks. was I love it.
00:28:27
Speaker
Yes. Yes. Hi, it's Ashley. Every couple weeks. Yes. No, I love that. I think that's
Emotional delivery day and welcoming son Tommy
00:28:36
Speaker
beautiful. And I love that it that you that is part of your story. yeah She was just really good about communicating, which was really wonderful. but there was any kind of concern or she felt a little off or she had a cold, she just like let me know, which was really, really considerate.
00:28:53
Speaker
and I think that was like a delightful surprise in a way because I didn't know she just communicates so clearly like hey just want to let you know I'm a little sick right now but you know it's nothing big you know she just was very open she was great even about sharing she was like just in case you want to know about pregnancy cravings like this is what I'm craving right now and so love that so I think I was like delightfully surprised with how much she shared and just Yeah. Direct insight into the pregnancy.
00:29:25
Speaker
Well, as a self-professed, you know, anxious person, I love that you, you know, she kind of, like you said, she alleviated you know, all of the kind of possibilities. Right. And you were along for, you know, just all, Hey, I've got a cold, just FYI, but everything's all good doing this, that, and the other.
00:29:45
Speaker
But then also, like you said, those fun, you know, those fun moments of like, yep, baby's wanting, you know, whatever the craving was that day. um And, you know, just that communication is so important for a relationship like this, for sure.
00:29:59
Speaker
And I think one of the sweetest things she did that was really great is um she bought us these bracelets and she every time he would move, she would tap it and it would buzz on my wrist. So I knew every time he was moving and she gifted that to me.
00:30:14
Speaker
And it was so special because it felt like I got to feel him moving in a way. Yes, I love that. Those little things are just, I mean, they make the journey. They really do. And I love that you got to be part of it in just in that extra, you know, way. And I think that's so precious. I love that.
00:30:33
Speaker
Okay, tell me about delivery day, like the best day ever. Delivery day was very exciting. um So we had a planned delivery. And so we had a scheduled date.
00:30:46
Speaker
He was breached. So we thought we might try to do the maneuver to turn him. but we got in there that morning Ashley was like, you know, how do you feel about a C-section? You know, it could just be a really long day and he may not turn. They were like, he's pretty big already. So the odds are like not in our favor.
00:31:04
Speaker
Sure. And I was like, it's totally up to you. Like whatever you want to do. So we ended up deciding to a C-section and it was so wonderful because he was born at 1037 in the morning. And so he came so much sooner than I was expecting.
00:31:18
Speaker
Yeah. And it was just magical. I ended up being able to be in the in the OR without Ashley, as well as her aunt was in there. And it was just, it was so, and don't know, you're in there. I'm like shaking because I'm nervous and just hoping that everything goes well, that Ashley and Tommy are safe.
00:31:37
Speaker
And, you know, I'm all suited up, masked up. And she's, you know, the doctor is like, okay, we're almost there. She's cutting through. And then she's like, okay, we have him.
00:31:48
Speaker
And, you know, sometimes you just, you want, you I'm known for watching medical shows and stuff. So, you know, they always cry right away. But with a C-section, they actually need to, like, get him out and, like, you know, stimulate him a little bit a lot times. Sure, sure. And so I'm like, he's not crying.
00:32:01
Speaker
And she's like, the doctor's like, he's fine. I have to stimulate him a little bit and suck it a little bit, you know. And so it was so wonderful. And I just immediately, tears and seeing him and then Ashley...
Reflection on joy and ongoing grief
00:32:14
Speaker
Ashley cried seeing me get with to hold him. Yeah. It was so special. i just, ah I can't believe it It just doesn't feel like you're holding your It's surreal.
00:32:27
Speaker
Yeah, it's surreal. It goes from like that morning of like showing up to a hospital to all of a sudden you're sitting there like holding this little person that's yours. know. And he was just so cute and his little cries.
00:32:40
Speaker
And, you know, you're just like, oh, my God, you just couldn't stop staring at me. just like over there like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you're here. And you know, and oh, it was so special. and then once they wrapped him up, I took him over so Ashley could see him.
00:32:57
Speaker
And it was just such a special moment for all of us to be in that room.
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah. and Oh my gosh. And he was so round and pink and perfect. He was just, I mean, he is just precious. my gosh. I love it. I love it. How, I mean, and now we're here.
00:33:16
Speaker
Tommy is six months old. i cannot believe it. Just absolutely. know where the has gone. and It flies. Oh my gosh. It just flies. And he is just, he's so precious. He's so adorable. Oh my gosh.
00:33:31
Speaker
And like you said, you're going to go and see Ashley in a couple of weeks. I mean, I feel like like just, I mean, your journey is now like just being on kind of this side of things. What, you know, maybe advice would you give to someone, you know, starting this process or maybe particularly as like a single parent, you know, how, what advice would you maybe want to give to another parent out there?
00:33:57
Speaker
I mean, I would say keep trusting in God's plan and his timing. um It really is perfect. I would also say, you know, just...
00:34:08
Speaker
ah It's so worth it. Like it's worth the wait. It's worth it. Like don't, I know it can be easy to get discouraged, to especially, you know, finding out you can't carry a pregnancy can be disheartening. It's different than what you've ever envisioned and kind of adapting to that. But it's just,
00:34:26
Speaker
it's It's wonderful to be a parent and just to keep going to try to, I mean, my other advice would be to really try to have a great connection with your yourre surrogate because yeah that makes the journey just that much better to have that open conversation between you all and to have a relationship that goes past birth is just amazing.
00:34:49
Speaker
It's wonderful. I mean, we call her on Ashley like this. is Yeah, he will always know and love her. And yeah, that would be my advice is to just give it your all. And even when it is discouraging to just keep going.
00:35:04
Speaker
i love that. I love that. is i mean, how has this. How has this affected how you navigate your grief, like you said, your grief, you said, is is with you daily.
00:35:23
Speaker
How does this now, how how is this part of that story? Yeah, so I think part of it, you know, like it's just,
00:35:35
Speaker
I feel like Thomas gives us signs at times that, you know, he's with Tommy and me. And I always tell Tommy he's our guardian angel is what I refer to him as. And so as Tommy grows up, we're going to like always continue. I always celebrate Thomas's birthday. And so Tommy will know him as his guardian angel. And it's, it's helped, you know, I have Tommy and I just,
00:36:00
Speaker
I still feel the grief. Sometimes, you know, it can be really hard because you're like, I wish Thomas was here. I wish Thomas was getting to be a dad. But at the same time, i know he's in heaven. He's watching over us.
00:36:12
Speaker
And it's been a beautiful journey. You're always going to feel these mixed emotions because of milestones. Yeah. you know, any kind of it's it's honestly usually the smallest moments that you're like, oh, I wish you were here.
00:36:24
Speaker
But then I always remind myself he's watching it and he is, you know, looking over us. And so but it's definitely been, you know, i I still get the emotions and the mixed feelings. But Tommy brings her so much joy, a joy that I just.
00:36:40
Speaker
I don't think you can have that joy until you're a parent. Like, there's so much joy in life, but this is a different kind of joy. When he looks at me, when he smiles at me, and just, like, every day you're like, ah, I get to go wake up that little boy and see him smile.
00:36:56
Speaker
And every night you get in bed, you know, and they're like, ah, even after a long day, it's so true. They're like, yeah, you're goingnna sit at your phone, sit on your phone and scroll through pictures of them still. because you're like, oh, now I miss him. Now that he's missing him, miss him even more. And I'm like,
00:37:11
Speaker
I'm like, just went all day. I don't, but it's just like a different kind of love and joy. And it's like a beautiful journey that I love that Tommy is going to grow up with so much support.
00:37:26
Speaker
support and knowing that he has a village and he has Thomas's dad and Thomas's brother and sister-in-law and their kids like they're they're part of our family Thomas's dad came down for Tommy's baptism and stuff so it's like he's gonna get to know the way I want him to know Thomas is that no he's not his father but he was the man who loved his mom enough and gave him enough love or gave her enough love that she was able to do this journey of being a single mom.
Strength from husband's love as a single mom
00:37:54
Speaker
Like Thomas loved me in a way that carries me through it gives me the strength to be a single mom. So it's very important for Tommy to learn that.
00:38:02
Speaker
Oh, Allie, that's beautiful. And Tommy is just, he's such a special boy to have just all of these people in his life, from Aunt Ashley to, you know, just all of the extended family and the village of friends that you've created. I mean, what what a lucky little boy. i It's amazing. And that's beautiful. And I think, I mean, to look at it in that way of how Thomas continues to be a strength to you.
00:38:31
Speaker
As you go on this next journey of your life.
Conclusion: Gratitude and community support
00:38:36
Speaker
I mean, I think it's beautiful, especially, you know, just here as a mama. It's amazing.
00:38:42
Speaker
and love that. Thank you. It's very, very special. Yes, it is. It's so special. Okay. Well, my last question to you, and it's a fun one.
00:38:55
Speaker
As you know, have a very codependent relationship with Coffee, and Coffee and I are very good friends, and we don't i don't function without her.
00:39:05
Speaker
So with that said, I always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what's been the thing that has filled your cup today?
00:39:18
Speaker
Literally cold brew with sugar-free vanilla syrup. Well done. Well done. Yes. Figuratively, Tommy trying some food this morning. we way to go, Tommy.
00:39:34
Speaker
He finally took a bite of some pureed carrots. So that was, that was exciting. um How do we feel? Yes, but it was so much fun. Yeah. Oh, for sure.
00:39:45
Speaker
sure. What was his reaction? How does he feel about carrots?
00:39:50
Speaker
It was honestly his first food to have. He hasn't been into the other things I've tried. He like locks his lips and is like, no, but he seemed okay with it.
00:40:02
Speaker
Kind of unsure what we were doing, but didn't dislike. He didn't spit it out. He took like three bites. So. Hey, hey, there we go. Okay. So Jerry may be still out on carrots, but you know, we'll keep going.
00:40:13
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. But those special moments are so sweet. And I'm sure the mess was amazing. Oh, yes. I think he liked it the most because of the color.
00:40:25
Speaker
Because everything else I've given him is kind of just like, oh, like egg. You know, it's not that exciting. But he saw the orange and was like locked in immediately.
00:40:36
Speaker
I love it. I love it. That's awesome. And I love that you got to have that sweet moment today. That's amazing. Yeah. Allie, seriously, thank you so much for just sharing your beautiful story.
00:40:50
Speaker
And I am just so excited that we get to continue to celebrate this and watch all of Tommy's milestones. And, um you know, again, just so grateful for all of this.
00:41:04
Speaker
Oh, thank you, Whitney. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today.
00:41:17
Speaker
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00:41:31
Speaker
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00:41:47
Speaker
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00:42:01
Speaker
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00:42:18
Speaker
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