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S3 E17 Who?! Endometriosis, Egg Donation, and the Road to Motherhood
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Summary:
Trigger Warning: This episode includes discussion of miscarriage and fertility loss, which may be difficult for some listeners.
In this episode, I sit down with Brittany to talk about her emotional and incredibly meaningful journey to motherhood through egg donation and IVF. Brittany shares openly about her diagnosis of endometriosis, her experience with a successful embryo transfer that brought her her daughter, and a later transfer that ended in miscarriage, along with the many ups and downs that were a part of her journey.
She reflects on the support system that carried her through, the joy and gratitude she felt during pregnancy after so much waiting, and the continued hope she holds as she considers growing her family again.
Brittany’s story is tender, courageous, and full of perspective. It’s a reminder that even in the hardest seasons, love, support, and hope can carry us forward.
Takeaways:
- Endometriosis diagnosis revealed severe complications affecting fertility.
- IVF was pursued after unsuccessful attempts to conceive naturally.
- Emotional challenges were significant throughout the fertility process.
- Finding the right egg donor involved careful consideration and support.
- Connection with the baby grew stronger during pregnancy despite initial fears.
- Miscarriage brought unexpected emotional challenges and reflection.
- The couple decided to take a break after experiencing loss.
- They are open to exploring adoption or fostering as alternatives.
- Support from friends and family was crucial during the journey
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Recommended
Transcript
Exploring the Complexities of Mother's Day
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi, everyone. In honor of Mother's Day, a time of celebration for many, but also a tender, complicated day for others, we're holding space for the full spectrum of experiences that surround motherhood.
00:00:15
Speaker
Whether you're parenting, hoping, grieving, or remembering, we see you. Today, i am joined by Brittany, whose path to motherhood is a powerful reminder of resilience, hope, and but Brittany shares her deeply personal journey through fertility challenges, including a diagnosis of endometriosis, the heartbreak of miscarriage, and the emotional rollercoaster of ibf yeah In this episode, she opens up about the decisions to pursue egg donation, what it was like to choose a donor, and how her feelings around this path to parenthood have evolved over time.
00:00:52
Speaker
She reflects on the emotional impact of navigating medical treatments, the importance of a support system, and the joy of building her family after so many obstacles.
00:01:03
Speaker
Brittany's story is deeply moving, beautifully honest, and incredibly incredibly inspiring.
Navigating Fertility Challenges
00:01:09
Speaker
So whether you're walking a similar path or simply want a deeper understanding of what intended parents go through, her perspective offers encouragement, empathy, and hope.
00:01:19
Speaker
As we mark this Mother's Day, we honor all who mother in every form, with joy, with longing, with love, and with courage. Me, you, and who?
00:01:31
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
Surrogacy and Coordination with Whitney Hall
00:01:49
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall, and I am a two-time surrogate, now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:02:03
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Brittany's Journey into Egg Donation
00:02:25
Speaker
Well, Brittany, again, I'm just so excited that you are here and I'm so excited that you get to, you know, we just get to hear your story and oh my gosh, just thank you so much for being here.
00:02:37
Speaker
Thanks. I'm excited to be here and get to share. Yeah, for sure. ah Okay, so just to get started, let's go in the Wayback Machine because I know you have lived a lot of life since then.
00:02:50
Speaker
But how did egg donation even just become part of your story? Yeah. um So eight I will say right out of the gate, it wasn't something we anticipated for sure. And it was a long journey to get to that point. So um to kind of take, I guess, way back, like when my husband and I first got married, we knew we wanted to start for a family right away.
00:03:13
Speaker
um So that was kind of what we did. And after about a year, you know, things hadn't happened. So I think we took the normal route of checking in with our OB. My husband went and got tested, all of those types of things. and so um You know, through a couple of different doctors, we ended up going to go, you know, for some further testing with our IVF clinic. And we ended up doing a round of IUI. And so when I did that, we did a medicated round of IUI.
00:03:43
Speaker
um And I ended up basically developing a large cyst that needed to be drained by my hokey. Yeah.
Understanding Endometriosis and Its Impact
00:03:50
Speaker
So when my OB b went in um to do that procedure, you know, I ended up waking up from surgery and her basically saying like, hey, you have endometriosis so bad. I can't even reach it.
00:04:02
Speaker
And so it was like I woke up from surgery and like was still groggy. And it's one of those like. but we didn't even do anything nothing even happened so um from there she was like i need to refer you to somebody who can do more specialty work and so she referred me to one of the doctors at ut southwestern who went in and luckily she was able to provide pictures and stuff like that she'd gotten in there and um Basically, through some more testing, we found out that my doctor there was like, this is probably one of the worst cases I've ever seen. oh wow.
00:04:38
Speaker
It had compromised my colon. So we had to have a colorectal surgeon come in and do like a two part procedure. Whoa. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. I do not mean to interrupt you. I think this is the first.
00:04:51
Speaker
Okay. Hold on. Wait, hold on a second. We're going to back here. Okay. So had you not had any signs and symptoms of endo at all?
Medical Decisions and IVF During COVID
00:05:01
Speaker
Um, I think the thing was like my, and so my mom, when I was in high school, had a hysterectomy, she had a history of really horrible periods. And so to be honest, I think the symptoms were there, but they were so normal to her that we didn't ever look really further into it.
00:05:16
Speaker
yeah um at one point as like a teenager, i had been put on birth control by my OB, um, because my periods were bad as the solution, but it never went further than that. And I think a lot of it is just knowledge and it being hard to diagnose and things like that. So But I had periods in high school where I was throwing up.
00:05:34
Speaker
I passed out one time from pain, like oh my gosh, just really horrible. So I wouldn't say the symptoms weren't there, but I, I didn't know any better to like, look more deeply into it, I guess.
00:05:45
Speaker
For sure. And I feel like that's the story of a lot of women, and right? Like we're kind of, you know, just in general, it's like, Hey, it's period. We all get it. You know, you're, you're kind of like, you're given almost like a ribbon if you can like, just like get through the pain or, you know, like things like that. And you never, exactly like you said, you go to the OB and you kind of just get like the bandaid. Oh, it's just a really bad period. We'll just put you on birth control night in a day.
00:06:07
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's crazy. Now you're the first one that I, now i haven't read medical journals. I will be certainly honest, but you're the first person I've heard where the endo had gotten so bad that it now we're going into other organs. Tell me about like,
00:06:24
Speaker
What was that? Oh my gosh. Yeah. So um it was through the um mr MRI process that they were able to see it. So my surgery had been scheduled. They were doing this as like a final test and basically had to cancel my surgery so that I could meet with the colorectal surgeon.
00:06:40
Speaker
And so basically when my surgery happened, he came in, removed um part of my colon, and then she came in and removed all the endo and all of the, basically the organs or the, you know, female organs that had been damaged. So they took,
00:06:54
Speaker
both fallopian tubes, one ovary and a good, I think I have like a quarter of one left, my appendix and then part of my colon and then, you know, any of the other tissue. so It was pretty extensive. But then as a result, I know, you know, i remember talking to my husband post-surgery because I think I was in the hospital for five days. I was out just as long on FMLA from work from that surgery as I was from giving birth.
00:07:21
Speaker
Right. So um at the end of it, I was like, you know, i think I want to wait like a year. i like I just don't think I can handle now jumping into a round of IVF. Like, I just want take breath.
00:07:33
Speaker
Your body's just gone through whole thing. Yeah. So what are your like, I mean, as you're going, so, okay, you wake up groggy. Hi, that one, like small little thing that we were going to do has now we've like opened Pandora's box, essentially.
00:07:50
Speaker
What were your emotions like as you were going through that? I mean, was it, ah how are you guys just thinking like, Hey, it went from, we're trying to build our family to like, I have to just totally focus on what's going on with me.
00:08:02
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it felt defeating. And I feel like initially when I had symptoms of the cyst, I think that was the hardest part because it was, I went to like a regular, like a care now facility or something. sure like I just think I'm, I have pain, but I don't know what's causing it. don't know where it's coming from.
00:08:19
Speaker
And i i remember, right. I think I went like two separate times because it was like, they were like, Oh, you're not testing for anything. Like, you know, We ran, we did your urine sample. We looked at blood work. We looked at all your vitals. Like you seem fine. Right.
00:08:34
Speaker
And it wasn't until I went back again and was like, I'm still having these problems and I'm i'm cramping really bad. I have no energy. Like i just don't feel good. Yeah. the, you know, I hate to get into like the male and female doctor of it all, but you know, I had this female like nurse practitioner who was like, no, I can tell something's wrong. Something feels wrong.
00:08:54
Speaker
Yeah. um So she went me but she sent me for, I guess it's the CT. I get them confused, but the one with the dye contrast. ah huh and we simply see And that's how they found that there was a cyst.
00:09:07
Speaker
And so, um i mean, I was thankful to her, but that even just getting a diagnosis was so daunting that then like, you know, to feel like, okay, we've got a solution and then we can move forward. And now it's, you know, we have a solution, but now there's this other problem. And all in the meantime of getting this all scheduled and figure out was also like the year of COVID kicking up. And so it's like, whether or not you can have surgery and,
00:09:35
Speaker
Is it going to stay on the books? And can you, you know, keep from getting sick and all of that? It just, it felt like becoming parents was never going happen because it was like, gosh, how many more things can happen to us?
00:09:46
Speaker
You know? Yeah. yeah What was the fertility conversation like as, you know, all of these things are like slowly unveiling and they're having to have those conversations with you about like, now I have to start removing ovaries and now we have to, or fallopian tubes and, you know, just, and just all of that. What was that?
00:10:07
Speaker
Was that even part of the conversation or was it just, Hey, we've just got to get you better?
Choosing Egg Donation: Emotional and Practical Considerations
00:10:11
Speaker
Yeah. So when I talked with my OB, b I was like, it was kind of one of those, what if we don't do the surgery? Like, is surgery necessary to continue on with IVF? Like, I know endo is a problem, but is it just like, I can deal with the pain if it doesn't keep me from getting pregnant? Like, can be can we just bypass that part and move on with IVF? Sure.
00:10:32
Speaker
She's like, you just don't... The way she explained it to me was like, you know, everything should be free floating, almost like seaweed is how she, you know, said. She's like, yours is like a soccer ball. Nothing's where it's supposed to be. Everything is stuck together.
00:10:45
Speaker
So she's like, the odds of the doctor being able to get, you know, needles, things like that, where he needs to be to get the embryo where it needs to go that's what gets challenging. So your success rate may not be what you want it to be. And so we were like, okay, well then...
00:11:02
Speaker
We're going to do it, um which I will say that was a an amazing decision. I feel like on our part to actually do it because to be able to have periods that I do still have, you know, cramping and stuff like that, but nothing to the degree that I said you were passing out. I mean, yeah.
00:11:22
Speaker
So I'm glad that it, you know, I think it's natural for us to be like, well, I can deal with it. I can move on. you know, do I have to do that when you want a family, you know, more than you want to take care of yourself? I think that's a normal thought process, but I'm grateful that I did it just because it from like a quality of life standpoint, it is better. And I don't know what issues it would have caused.
00:11:43
Speaker
down the road either. For sure. For sure. So after had done just all of that and you guys had decided, hey, we're going to take a year off, when when did it start, you know, kind of feeling right to maybe revisit those family building conversations? And what did those start looking like now post everything that you had gone through?
00:12:04
Speaker
um Well, so we didn't get the break. Oh, Because our doctors were like, you know, now is actually the best time for you to do it because everything's where it should be. we want to risk, you know, with endometriosis being, you know, chronic and things can come back and being you just don't know person to person.
00:12:23
Speaker
What's going to happen? What that could look like. They were like, we will do it now. So we started the next, our round of IVF yeah and it was, you know, it IVF is tough in general, but we did the retrieval. Um,
00:12:38
Speaker
And if I remember right, we only got like 15 eggs. um Like I just didn't, there wasn't a lot. And he had me on the strongest protocols medically and things like that. And um unfortunately, you know, each day we just lost more and more as they got, you know, trying to go through the embryo stage.
00:12:56
Speaker
Sure. And we didn't end up with any that we could use. And so at that point, they were like, okay, we can try again. but given the situation, the odds are that you're going to find yourself in a similar place.
00:13:09
Speaker
Or, you know, we can go this route, which was egg donation, which I think that was hard to process at first, just because it was like, okay, we went through all of that. And like, now we still, now it just felt again, like one of those, like, okay, one more thing.
00:13:26
Speaker
um But we were also like, okay, what is, if the probability is so low, do we want to risk funds that could go towards, something that could realistically work versus this that doesn't have a good probability that may put us even further back from being able to continue on with our family.
00:13:45
Speaker
Sure, sure. It sounds like you were really coming at it from a i mean, i think at some point in a journey, you really kind of almost have to be like, I've got to take the emotion out of some of this and I just have to Yeah.
00:13:57
Speaker
because it can i mean you've already like you said you've already gone through such a journey before you've even gotten here and now you just i mean was that kind of your route of just like i can't take one more thing let's just look at the numbers Yeah, I think it was that. And then like really me my husband sitting down because my biggest worry, honestly, and it it seems so silly to me now, but in the moment I was like, what if I look down at this baby and she doesn't, he or she doesn't look like me. Am I going to be able to connect? Am I going to see them as my baby? Am I just going to see them as like, I hate to say this, but like as a kid that I'm raising, that's not really my kid. Like, I think that's such a reality. A lot of people go through that.
00:14:38
Speaker
Well, that's what I kind of, I talked with my husband about too, because I was like, do you feel weird that it's not like they're not biologically mine? Like, it's not weird, you know? And I think once we talked through that and realized that neither of us really, we were like, you know, they are ours, you know, if they're going to, you know, at the time we were still like, oh gosh, the only thing, the only other thing that could happen is like, what if I can't carry now, you know? and We were just like, okay, so if we, you know, this baby, if I get to carry them for nine months and they come out of me and all of those kinds of things, like there has to be, there has to be connection there and there has to be parts of me and parts of them. And I think for us, like we were able to move through that pretty quickly. And we were like, you know, if it's really about, you know,
00:15:26
Speaker
I don't want to say if it's, if it's really about looks, but I'm like, we can find somebody who is similar so me or, you know, no, I think you're tiptoeing over something that is so, so common, right? That's kind of the first thing that people go. I was, I was just talking to, an intended dad and he was saying, I wanted somebody with red hair.
00:15:46
Speaker
That was like the very first thing. I just wanted somebody with red hair. I mean, that's kind of the first thing that you look to is like, Hey, how similar can we get to it And I think that's just the reality of it. No shame. Like that's what you're looking for.
00:15:59
Speaker
Yeah. I think, um, that was like one of the, you know, it felt like uncomfortable for that to be a hurdle, but it was like, well, but you know, there's some, you do, you do kind of want to look down and, or you want those moments that they're like, Oh my gosh, they look just like mom or they look, know,
00:16:17
Speaker
So um I think we were able to get an agreeance pretty quickly that like, this, you know, we i think for us, it was like, okay, do we or don do we or do we not want a family?
00:16:30
Speaker
And if we do, and this option over here, it doesn't look like it's gonna be a viable option. And then our only other options are maybe, you know, fostering or adopting, like which of these makes the most sense for us now?
00:16:44
Speaker
Um, and for us, we were like, you know, this still is what makes sense, you know? Yeah. So no I feel like a lot of intended parents, I think go through kind of like that grieving process, if you will, of kind of having that, you know, that genetic connection.
Selecting an Egg Donor: A Shared Experience
00:17:01
Speaker
And then, you know, you get to that point where it's like, Hey, if this is my path to parenthood, like that's, that's what I'm looking for. I'm looking to be mom. Yeah.
00:17:09
Speaker
Yeah. No. So what you know, as you're kind of going through that, what did y'all support system look like? Was, ah were you talking to anybody about this or kind of how, how was that? How are you guys navigating that?
00:17:23
Speaker
um So we honestly kept it pretty quiet just because there was a lot that, you know, we didn't know about the process. And like, I think there's a lot of people that unintendedly say things or want to give advice or want to give input. That's just not, you know,
00:17:39
Speaker
It just and they don't always realize how it's going to hit. And I don't think you always realize how it's going to hit. And so we didn't really share it too much at first. And then once we got a little further in the process, I think, you know, we shared with some of our our very close friends and siblings.
00:17:55
Speaker
um But beyond that, we kind of kept things you know, between us for a little while. um So it was really just my husband and I like navigating it for the most part, which was kind of fun. Cause like we made a joke of it one night when we were, so we got linked up with, um with you guys. And when we got access to the portal to like, look at all the different profiles and stuff like that, we kept joking about how this was like, almost like blind dating or like, oh, absolutely.
00:18:25
Speaker
it's done and so we would sit there and put filters in and like how does this one sound and how does this you know and so it was kind of like it it kind of brought like a fun like lightheartedness to something that you know is a bigger deal than it was but we kind of were able have fun with it yeah I mean heck if you're not laughing you're crying like might as well yeah if Yeah.
00:18:51
Speaker
Okay. So what was that process like as you, you know, you guys have decided, all right, this is how we're moving forward. You found egg donor and surrogate solutions. Yeah. yeah What was, you know, how did you guys kind of go through that decision making? So like, for those who don't know, I mean, it is, it's a huge kind of database and, yeah you know, you're putting in things like, you know, red hair or, you know, brown eyes or just whatever it is, you know, how, how did you guys kind of navigate, you know, just going through that?
00:19:19
Speaker
Yeah. So I think we're like, I think we're both people that kind of, once we decide what we're looking for, we don't need 10,000 options. Like, I think we can get a little bit of that, like paralysis by analysis. And so we were like, once we figure out, um,
00:19:36
Speaker
like maybe our top three or our top five, like let's not look anymore. And so we, you know, we looked through people and we used filters and all of those types of things. um But then also, i don't remember if it was Amanda that it was that reached out to us or somebody with you guys who was like, I can help filter the database. I know it can be overwhelming if you want to tell me what, you know, kind of you're looking for. And she had some kind of key questions. And so that was really helpful for us. If I remember right, I think that's actually how we found our donor.
00:20:04
Speaker
She was one of the ones that she sent us. um But she kind of helped based on what we were looking for to filter over and send some suggestions, like suggested profiles.
00:20:16
Speaker
um So that was that was kind of nice because the the big database can be overwhelming. And it's like, okay, did we miss our perfect person? like Or did we not see this one? And you get so much data about them that it's like...
00:20:32
Speaker
it's, it's pretty insane how much you can know about this person. And so it was kind of nice for them to filter it down a little bit and send us a couple of people that they were like, this, these people might be kind of who you're looking for.
00:20:44
Speaker
um And so, yeah, from there, you know, we made our our, pick of our person and, got started with all of the, you know, the back and forth testing and all of that kind of stuff.
00:20:59
Speaker
Sure. How did you know to, you know, to go from, you know, kind of being overwhelmed by the database to like, Hey, give me your, just show me my top 10 to like choosing how, how did you make that decision?
00:21:15
Speaker
Kind of what gave you peace with that? um I think really, so we knew that we wanted somebody who was similar and like build, look, like they didn't have to be exact, ah but we also looked at like, what did they like and temperament? And like, because for me, like I'm probably a little bit more introverted. I'm not, I did never play sports and I like to read and I like to craft and I like, you know, stuff like that. And so part of me was like,
00:21:43
Speaker
right, wrong, or indifferent. I'm like, if I grew, if I have a little boy or a little girl that ah like loves sports and I may still end up that way, I'm like, I know, I don't know anything about that world, you know? And so i was like, it, you know, it feels a little bit more personable to find somebody who likes some of the same, same things that I like that, you know, has a little bit more of the same temperament that I do that enjoys the same things that I do has some of the same interests that I do beyond just like a looks perspective. And so,
00:22:13
Speaker
Um, we narrowed things down and, um, I think at the end of it, it you know, we just, we kept kind of like taking somebody out of the fold, taking somebody out of the fold until we got down to like our, you know, top two.
00:22:28
Speaker
And then from there, um, you know i think i think we just I think because we had talked about it so much throughout the process and it wasn't just a me decision or just a my husband decision. And we kind of agreed on what we were looking for that once we got down to it, we we're both like, okay, do you feel good? I feel good.
00:22:44
Speaker
um And then she you know she accepted moving forward too. So it just was like, okay, this feels like a good thing. so There we go. Yeah. How, okay. So to go from, you know, a ah journey of, you know, to, you To quote you, gosh, one more thing to now. all right. This is the route that we're going. What were the feelings behind, you know, just, okay, now we're testing now, you know, we're, we're waiting for all of that. And you're just going through this process. How are you guys kind of navigating just going through that?
00:23:19
Speaker
from there, you know, we were of course excited every time we would get updates that she had passed certain testing or things had come back good and things like that. But um I also feel like there's a little bit of like that anxious impatience a little bit, just because when you're going through IVF, like you're the one with the appointments and you're the one that has to go in and do all these things.
00:23:39
Speaker
And over here, we were just kind of sitting, waiting for the next update and how's it going. And, you know, so it's we were kind of trying to enjoy that time too. Cause we're like, Oh, it's kind of nice to not be the one that's having to do this. You know, yeah we don't have all the appointments and we don't have the shots and we don't have, you know, all this stuff. And so um i think that was good. i I feel like I was still kind of wrestling with those like nerves of like, I had a lot of worry just about whether or not I was going to be able to connect with our baby.
00:24:11
Speaker
Like that was still something that was really heavy um my mind. And like just that probably worried me the most, I would say through that initial process and probably the first part of my pregnancy, maybe like the first time before things start to feel real, you know, when you can feel them moving and all those kinds of things. I feel like that's when that feeling kind of started to not be so present in my mind.
00:24:35
Speaker
um But yeah, I think, I think that was the biggest thing was just kind of waiting for each of those updates and celebrating when it was all coming back good, you know, and try not to focus on that little bit of that lingering feeling of,
00:24:49
Speaker
What if she doesn't pass or what if she decides she doesn't want to do this anymore? What if she backs out? You know, things like that. um Sure. Because there's kind of those milestones along the process of when they can back out or if their testing doesn't go good at a certain stage or, you know, you're just hoping everything keeps
Embracing Egg Donation and Pregnancy
00:25:07
Speaker
going.
00:25:07
Speaker
moving forward. So yeah, yeah, I think it's super common to always kind of still have this kind of looming, you know, essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop moment whenever you've gone through the shoe always dropping.
00:25:22
Speaker
And, you know, to up to this point, as you were, you know, you mentioned, like, you're, you're still you're celebrating these moments, but you're also kind of still wrestling with,
00:25:34
Speaker
the fact that you you know are even having to do this as a route to, or not this, but just kind of your concern about having that connection. How was just your evolution of feeling with the egg donation process just as a whole?
00:25:51
Speaker
How did that evolve as you were kind of reaching those milestones? Um, I mean, to be honest, I think we went through a lot of different stages because at first, like we didn't know anything about it. You know, it was never something we had talked about, never something we had looked into because we just didn't think we would ever need it, you know? To be honest, I think there's a lot of, um, I don't, I just don't think there's a lot of education about it unless you're in it.
00:26:19
Speaker
And so I think the more that we learned, the more that it was like, you know, you felt like, okay, this isn't, you know, they're still going to be our baby and this is what it's going look like. And, and I also think too, we felt, I tried to also like focus on just the gratitude piece of things of like, I'm grateful that I'll still get the experience of carrying our baby. And, you know, like there's still so many things I'm thankful for that, you know, of course, if it took us fostering or adopting to have a family, that's what we would have done.
00:26:54
Speaker
But I was like, I'm so grateful that I at least still get the opportunity to experience pregnancy and experience, you know, feeling what it feels like to have, you know, a baby in my belly and things like that. And so I think I tried to kind of balance out like,
00:27:09
Speaker
the things I was still getting and not just focusing on the potential losses in a way. um And kind of that ah feeling of um like why us, you know, like they always talk about the people that it's like the people that can just get pregnant all the time and have know kids and it's easy. And then the ones that seem like they want it the most have to jump through every single hurdle to be able to make it there.
00:27:31
Speaker
And I think just being able to, you know, you know, shift gears and focus on like what we were still going to get to accomplish that were also still dreams, you know, like not everybody will get to carry their baby, you know, like we were still going to get to do that. And so that I think all felt very special. um But I'll be honest, too. I felt like I know Amanda was the one that we worked through.
00:27:54
Speaker
She supported us through a lot of, um you know, our process with egg donor solutions. And she was super um involved in checking in and like when it was big milestones, like asking how we were doing and stuff like that. So I think the support was great. And I think.
00:28:10
Speaker
Not having to, I think whenever you're in something like this, like the more that falls on you to have to figure it out, submit things, do they like the technical things of it. It's like, it's, ah it feels more overwhelming. So I feel like you've got to focus on.
00:28:27
Speaker
what we were going through because, you know, she helped kind of take a lot of that off of our plate and saying, okay, now next step is this, here's exactly what we need. Here's what to expect. Here's when it's going to happen where it was like, okay, I don't have to do any of that, you know?
00:28:41
Speaker
So I think that that was helpful too. Oh, for sure. Absolutely. I think, I mean, yes, because whenever you're first, it can be so daunting. And so to be able to have that team, it's your doctors and then it's your agency. And, you know, just to be able to have somebody be able to like, let me just give you the bite size piece right now. yeah Don't look at the whole pie.
00:29:04
Speaker
Let's just have a bite right now, you know, and not get overwhelmed. I mean, that can be huge exactly to your point, because then you can kind of, Hey, we're going to focus on like, we're going celebrate the fact that I'm not having to take that shot right now. And you know we're going to get to celebrate this milestone and work through all of those emotions and and everything. I think that's, yeah, that's absolutely beautiful. That's that, you know, that's that support part that is so important.
00:29:28
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, no, for sure. okay so spoiler, you know, you've already kind of, you know, alluded, you did have a successful egg retrieval, which is so fantastic.
00:29:39
Speaker
And, you know, successful embryos. And then you did go back to IVF. Now, we know it was, you know, a successful IVF. But how, as you were going back into like, okay, here we go again, we've done this before.
00:29:55
Speaker
What, what was that? How did that process feel to you? Yeah. So I think, um you know, it felt like, okay, it felt like you're crossing the finish line. Honestly, it's just like, we're here. It's the day i'm going to walk out of here pregnant, you know? And so we were so, we were so excited. And at the time i was like, you know, when we went in that day, we were both kind of like,
00:30:19
Speaker
we we had our embryos tested. So we knew what we had in terms of boys and girls, but we had decided like, we're not going to pick, like, we're going to, we want you guys to go with the best embryo, like quality wise, health wise, that's what we're going to go with. And so um that's what we decided. And so I was like, I think again, going back to not getting your hopes up,
00:30:43
Speaker
we, I was like, I don't want to know, like, I don't want to know because I don't want to get super attached until I know for sure that like it worked. And so they gave us this little like scratch off card and they were like, when you're ready, you can scratch this off and it'll have, you know, the gender in it or whatever. Oh my gosh. I love that. It's a scratch off. That's amazing.
00:31:03
Speaker
I know. Well, and so um it was so funny because we had been on vacation when they called us with the results, like the genetic results of the different embryos. And so they go step by step with each embryo and say this embryo, number one, number two, number whatever.
00:31:17
Speaker
So they come in and they show you a picture of your embryo from that morning and go over what number it is and all that kind of stuff. And they left the room and my husband was like, I remember number four. Number four was a girl. And I was like, don't say that. I was like, you don't remember. You don't remember.
00:31:32
Speaker
Like, don't remember. Yeah. So um we had just agreed like, okay, we're going to wait. And when they call us, you know, 10 days later and say whether we're pregnant and our ah or not, if we are or not, then we'll scratch it off and we'll figure out what we're having.
00:31:44
Speaker
Yeah. And um we didn't even get halfway home and we had to pull into a neighborhood to scratch it off because I was like, I have to know. I was like, I can't just call it it's like for, you know, 10 days. Like I have to know how to know what we're having. so And it was a girl. So he was right.
00:32:00
Speaker
um so and i now Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The one, yeah. One of the things he, you know, sorry targeted in on. So, ah but yeah, so that, that 10 days was tough because I was like, I don't, know, they tell you not to take a pregnancy test because it can be false positive, yeah you know, all those things. And so we didn't, and it was so hard because I think I didn't on either end, didn't want to be disappointed, but also didn't want to get my hopes up.
00:32:29
Speaker
And so I was like, we're just going to wait for the blood test. Oh, sure. Except every like feeling you're like, is that, is that pregnancy? Yeah. Because I'm pregnant. And do I want that like sweet thing? Cause I'm pregnant. Like, you know, you're just like the everything.
00:32:41
Speaker
well And I was the one, the major symptom I had right out of the gate was just fatigue. and we had family in town at that time. And I remember at one point, my sister, we were all standing in the kitchen and my sister was like, you look exhausted. And she knew that we'd had a transfer, but I was like,
00:32:57
Speaker
don't say that. Don't say anything that could make me think like, I'm just, we're waiting. Yeah. But yeah, they, um we had our blood tests, you know, on that 10th day and the results loaded into my portal. Cause I was just checking it like caused that day.
00:33:14
Speaker
So that loaded before they called me. And so I could see the level, but of course I don't know what it means. And so I'm Googling and it looks positive. And I think they called me at like four o'clock on a Friday. It was like, felt like the longest day ever. and lonely But yeah, it was positive. And then, I mean, we just were thankfully had a really, really, really smooth pregnancy from there. So, um,
00:33:42
Speaker
Oh, that's amazing. So you had kind of already alluded to it. You know, one of your biggest fears had been just that connection. Yeah. What, you know, first trimester, I know you kind of said you really didn't start kind of feeling that connection until, you know, you're kind of like, oh, I'm feeling baby move and, you know, all of those things.
00:34:01
Speaker
How did that evolve to where we get to delivery day? And you're like, that's mine. Yeah. So, and I think the first trimester, it was still more just about like, you don't really totally feel like you don't feel anything. Like most days, you know, I might be tired some days, but then there were some days I was like, don't even feel, I don't feel pregnant. I don't you know, like, and I think being first time and all the fears that people put around the first trimesters, it was like, I, I, it just wasn't a focus to me. It wasn't real yet, you know? Yeah.
00:34:32
Speaker
So um I would say definitely getting into that second trimester and like seeing my body start to change and being able to see more sonograms of like the baby moving and, you know, seeing them as like a real little person in there.
00:34:46
Speaker
um I feel like once all of those things started to happen, it was like, okay, like that's not even a thought in my mind. Like this little person, like they only know me and they're in,
00:34:58
Speaker
you know, we're in this special little space. I think I thought said one time where they talk about like how special the time is between, you know, when they first start moving and when like your partner or somebody can feel them when it's like, that it's literally just you two, you know? And so um like, I think, you know, I would spend a lot of times like in the evening, especially when we were going to bed and stuff, like with my hands on my belly, like talking to her and stuff like that, or it was just like,
00:35:24
Speaker
it just changed so quickly that by the time that she came and she like delivered, it's like, I forget sometimes even now, like in the dated, it rarely crosses my mind.
00:35:35
Speaker
Like that, you know, I don't even like saying she's, you know, not mine in a sense or not. I'm like, it doesn't. no, no, no, no. That's not the words we use. Yeah. No, no, no, no. She's yours. Yeah, absolutely.
00:35:48
Speaker
So, yeah. It was just kind of that evolution of just making that connection. Yeah. So, um but then, yeah, when she got here, it was like, I think, I don't know, I was just so thrilled, like just so over the moon. And like, ah I was thankful for the delivery that I had and things like that. And it was just so beautiful. And so like, just adorable. I mean, that that was the first thing that came out of my mouth was, oh my gosh, you're so cute. Yeah.
00:36:17
Speaker
She was like perfect, like little round face and these big keys. And she was just so beautiful. And so, um, yeah, I think from that point forward, it was like, okay, no, this is, this is my daughter. This is my little one, you know? the dr ah Yeah.
00:36:35
Speaker
And she's just, i feel like every day just becomes more and more like my best little friend. So it's like, it doesn't, you know, It's not, not at all what I was worried about.
00:36:46
Speaker
Sure. Sure. Lots of trips to the bookstore in y'all's future. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. yeah wow we go now Oh, it's the best. It's the best. No, for sure. I have a, I have like the best picture.
00:36:58
Speaker
I'm an absolute like Harry Potter nerd. And I have like, I have this picture of my eldest, whenever she's like reading Harry Potter for the first time. And I was just like, i done
00:37:12
Speaker
But it's great. It's so fun to get to have like, I mean, exactly to your point, right? Like, yes, it's fun whenever you guys both share, you know, the same color hair or eyes or whatever. But then it's also like, no, it's so cool to like have your sushi buddy and, to you know, read together and all of those things.
00:37:28
Speaker
Yes. Oh, I love that so much. So you, i mean, you have Abigail and she's beautiful and wonderful.
Coping with Miscarriage and Future Family Plans
00:37:38
Speaker
How did it, I mean, eventually you guys had decided, okay, Abigail's going to be a big sister.
00:37:44
Speaker
How did you guys kind of, all right, we're going back. We're going to go back. We're going to do this, you know, whole thing over again. How did you navigate that? Yeah. So, um, we really just, I think our, um, I think our IVF doctor honestly probably thought we were nuts.
00:38:02
Speaker
Cause I think we scheduled a follow-up with him. I'm not even joking you. Like, I think I w I think she was like, eight weeks old or something.
00:38:12
Speaker
mean, come on, we've waited this long. We just want to know, like, what is the process? Like, just so you know, because I'm like type A planner extreme. So I'm like, I want to know so that we can map out timeline, you know, because there's medication and if I'm breastfeeding and like, how does that work? And when do we thought things out how does postpartum change, you know, like me being able to go through this again? And, you know, we just had questions.
00:38:41
Speaker
And so he jumped on the call and he was like, you guys okay?
00:38:48
Speaker
You're great. She's great. We were like, we want another one. Not yet, but we want another one. He's like, okay. I was nervous when I saw you on the schedule. Um, he was great. And so, um, we knew that about the time that she was one, we wanted to start again. and so, um they had shared, you know, you'll have to stop breastfeeding, you know, about three months before you're ready to start again, just because of the hormones and stuff like that. And so that was the plan we made. And, um, I think we ended up going a little over a year before we actually got started with IVF again.
00:39:21
Speaker
um, And so we went back. um We decided to go forward with actually picking a boy this time just so we were like, you know, we're not sure how many kids we want, but We'll have one, one. And so if we decide we're good with two, then no we've got to experience both.
00:39:40
Speaker
um And so I was able to get pregnant again. And so that was really, really exciting. um And so we got through, we didn't share with anybody that we were doing it. We wanted it to be, you know, you don't get a lot of surprises with IVF.
00:39:53
Speaker
Sure. But we were like, okay, we want to surprise. We want this one to be kind of fun for us this time. so um once we got through the first trimester and everything, we started doing the little surprises for like the grandparents and stuff to say like, there's another baby coming.
00:40:08
Speaker
um But unfortunately, i ended up um miscarrying at like 16 weeks. And so um that was really hard. It was a lot more.
00:40:20
Speaker
Well, I don't think miscarriage is unexpected necessarily. But I think i I guess I had a ah thought that because it was IVF, it was kind of foolproof, you know, um and that if it worked ah right out of the gate, that the odds were not.
00:40:37
Speaker
good that it was not gonna progress forward. Because I feel like- That's so common, I think. And I mean, going back to whenever you guys were doing the transfer with Abigail, right?
00:40:47
Speaker
Like you guys pulled over to the side of the road to be like, okay, what are we having? There was no thought in your mind that like, Yeah, and did everyone work it worked. It's guaranteed. Yeah. Yeah.
00:40:59
Speaker
When I think in my mind, it was like, okay, you know, they do all this testing. And most of the time, you know, what we felt like we'd learned was that, you know, miscarriages happen because the embryo has some sort of like, validy you know yeah, something like that. And we were like, we know that's not the case because these have all been tested.
00:41:17
Speaker
And we got through the first trimester, which is supposed to be the scary thing. you know, unknown kind of time. And so it just, I think it took us really by surprise. And then um it just ended up being like, it just a pretty just traumatic experience, just in terms of how, you know, it all, you know, played out. And so um i think that was really, really challenging. And, you know, I don't think he and you know, we got to spend time with him, which I think at 16 weeks, you still think they're so little. And so to hold this little baby that, you know, we're not ever going to get to know or get to, you know, know their personality or know, you know, what they would have liked, what they would have not liked, all of that was just, it was just heartbreaking. And it just felt like,
00:42:04
Speaker
you know, i think my husband even more so than I just, it was like, okay, why us? Like, why does this keep happening? Something keeps happening. So um after we lost him, we just decided like, we're we're just going to take a break for a little bit, you know, because even when you've been through it a few times with IVF and stuff, it's like your life still feels a little bit on pause and it still feels a little bit of, you've got all these appointments and your day is run off of when you have to take this medication and,
00:42:32
Speaker
you know, when you have to be at a certain doctor's office or, you know, of these types of things. And we're like, we've lived this way for so many years now that like, we just want to hear that we're not run by medication and appointments and we can just enjoy our little one, you know, that we have and let's just take a breather, you know?
00:42:54
Speaker
And so, um, we did that through pretty much the summer and most of fall of 2024 and then decided to go back in October, um, and initially got pregnant, ended up losing that pregnancy too. And so,
00:43:08
Speaker
we just kind of were like, okay, we'll we'll take a break. And obviously at this point too, we're looking at finances of things and like, sure you know, do we keep trying? And, um you know, just also to looking at like, okay, what, what are the risks if we keep trying? Cause you know, the miscarriage that I had the first time around was pretty significant and I ended up in the hospital. And so it was like,
00:43:32
Speaker
for my little one, the one I do have, I'm like, you know, am I putting myself at risk that, you know, by continuing to put myself through this when I could just devote everything to this one that I have. And so just took us a minute where we said like, okay, let's just pause for a minute and talk through again, kind of reevaluating, like, okay, this is how we wanted things to be. This is what we expected. But okay, maybe now it's time that we look again, at like, do we reevaluate fostering? Do we reevaluate adoption? Do we learn more about those things? And, or are we good with just having one baby, you know? And so, um you know, I think we're at a place now where we're like, okay, I think we've got one or two more tries is kind of what we've agreed upon. And like, if that's
00:44:14
Speaker
if this is where we end up, then this is where God meant for us to be. And we're so grateful that we have one and that, you know, I got to have an amazing pregnancy and amazing birth and, and we can be happy with that too.
00:44:28
Speaker
That's beautiful. It's a, it's a beautiful way to look at it, especially, you know, to go from jumping through all of the hoops, to getting to a point where it was, you know, smooth sailing with Abigail.
00:44:43
Speaker
And then to kind of go back to this, like, gosh, you know, exactly like that, that why me as hard as you had been kind of, you know, fighting, fighting,
00:44:54
Speaker
not being in that mindset. I mean, at some point it is kind of just this, you look around and you're like, golly, how much more can I take, you know? yeah But then to still, you know, kind of arrive to this point of, Hey, we're just going to keep trying one more time.
00:45:11
Speaker
Like we've yeahve done it before. Yeah. We have that, we have that support group. We have all of the, all of the the pieces are there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's big stuff.
00:45:22
Speaker
That's big stuff. what, what's kind of that thing that just, that keeps you going? Um, it's like a question.
Deciding When to Stop Trying for More Children
00:45:31
Speaker
i think, I think for me, and I have to catch, like watch myself too. i think and my husband both do is like, you can want something so bad because you feel like we have so much that we could offer, like, you know, these little kids, like, you know, that we have a really strong and stable relationship and, you know, just financially we have means, we have great big families with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. And it just is like, you know, you feel like, you know, we want,
00:46:01
Speaker
you know, well, I say that and I say in part, like we have the means to do all these things and create like this amazing childhood for a kid. And, you know, and her, the one that we have now, Abigail is, you know, she's got such an amazing, like little personality and stuff. So we always joke about, you know, we've got these, you know, 12 or 13 other embryos and we're like, we want to know every version of her, like, ah you know, and so it's, you know,
00:46:29
Speaker
I think it's a little bit of both in that, you know, we love her so, so much and we want to, you know, my husband and I both have multiple siblings. And so I think we're also used to like, we don't know what it's like to not have a bunch of brothers and sisters, know? And so it's like, well, we want that for her too. And so sometimes, you know, I've had some really good friends who are single, you know, solo kids in their families and stuff too. And they're like, yeah, but I don't know any different than my mom and dad. Like, that's what you know, you know, that's what you know. So that's normal to you. But like, I can say from myself,
00:47:03
Speaker
I grew up and it was just me and I had a great childhood, even though I didn't. So it's like, that's kind of kept us, I think, tethered to, she doesn't have to have a bunch of, you know, brothers and sisters. that She's got great cousins.
00:47:15
Speaker
um We try to get them together as much as possible. So it's like, I think we have to watch um a little bit of that, like what keeps us going. Cause I think we could take it too far and keep trying and not be present for what we have and always be wanting more. But I think also like in the meantime, we're like,
00:47:34
Speaker
We still have, you know, the physical abilities, the financial abilities, you know, the like determination to keep trying one or two more times. And then I think you just have to know at some point when we say, okay, like life is good where it's at and this is, ah this is where it's meant to be. And so we're going to be here, you know?
Advice for Prospective Parents on Egg Donation
00:47:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's really hard to know. when that stop is, when you have been on a road to just, this is our goal. This is our end goal. We keep working towards it. We do everything we can. We find the next avenue. We go to the next step. And I think there's something so beautiful about, okay, I know whenever I've reached, I've reached that finish line, that actual finish line.
00:48:14
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. For anyone who is you know, just for a, an intended parent, who's maybe, struggling with the idea of going the egg donation route or maybe any misconceptions that you would want to kind of put rest? What are some, what's some advice that you would want to give?
00:48:36
Speaker
Yeah, I think um one of the big things, and I've said this about like some of the other avenues of having kids that we've talked about is like, just learn about it. Ask the questions just because you join like a call or just because you listen to a podcast or just because you go to a meeting to get more details on something doesn't mean you're committed to it.
00:48:59
Speaker
Like you don't have to do it just because you're choosing to go have a phone call with somebody to explain the process, you know? I think sometimes you like, at least for me, I can feel almost like I'm locked in, even though nobody's locking me into that decision.
00:49:16
Speaker
feel like you've committed yourself. And so I think just remembering like you're not committed to anything until you make that decision, learning about it doesn't, doesn't tie you to that.
00:49:27
Speaker
So I think that's a big one. um I also think just making sure like you and your partner are on the same page is, I felt like that was where I got a lot of the support for me.
00:49:38
Speaker
um Not that he understood all of it, but just the fact that he was willing to listen or or if you, you know, good friends, whatever that may be. um I think just having somebody that you can express some of those thoughts, because some of the thoughts are kind of just icky, like the fears and concerns, you know, like you don't want to tell somebody like, oh, I'm afraid if I don't look like my kid that,
00:49:59
Speaker
um I'm not gonna able to connect with them. Like that doesn't, that's not something I think you think everybody can understand, it is a real like fear. Yeah. So i think until you can get that expressed and like talk about it, you know, again, doesn't it doesn't make you a bad person or not a fit for this process or things like that. Like it's not.
00:50:23
Speaker
No, it's just part of processing. yeah I mean, yeah, it's just all of those. It's all of those things that you're just. You're just processing and yeah there's nothing there's nothing wrong with any of it. It's literally just, I have to get to a place. I have to take in all of these thoughts. And if they just kind of stay there, then they just fester. And to be able to have a safe space to like, hey, I'm going to say the thing that I've been told I'm not supposed to say. And I'm living in a safe environment, not because I'm a bad person, but just truly because I just have to say the fear.
00:50:52
Speaker
And how am I going to evolve from that and grow from that? Yeah. That's just the reality of it. Yeah. ah I think the only other thing I can think of too, like the only other big thing that I felt like was a hurdle kind of along the way is like, you hear these like scary, I think, I feel like it's mostly associated with like adoption, these kinds of fear stories of like the other person, right? Like, are they going to try to track down my kid? Are they, is my kid going to want to, is my kid going to see me as mom or they going to find out about this person and think like, that's my mom. And I think that that's a whole other
00:51:25
Speaker
component to process and figure out and so i think just knowing that's okay too and like you don't have to be decided on how you're going to handle that right now you know and i think the donor sibling rest registry that you guys you know give us the option to keeps that door open but you know still allows you to be in control and so it's like you don't have to make all those decisions today absolutely And I mean, and exactly to your point, it can be as minimal as i have to have the story open because we just need, you know, medical history. Medical or yeah. Yeah.
00:51:59
Speaker
To, hey, this person is you know, part of Abigail's story and I'm going to celebrate and she's interested and she wants to, you know, she has questions I can ask those questions to. Yeah.
00:52:13
Speaker
And, you know, how, what whatever that looks like for your family and how that evolves. Yes, I completely, i completely agree. No, absolutely.
The Joy of Parenthood and Gratitude
00:52:21
Speaker
Well, Brittany, thank you so much for just sharing all of the parts of your story. And um I'm, I'm just so grateful um for just your vulnerability and being willing to to share every aspect.
00:52:36
Speaker
I have one last question for you and it's a fun one. So you've seen me sipping my coffee the whole time. um but For anyone who knows me, they know that me and coffee are not far from each other. We love to stay close.
00:52:49
Speaker
So I always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what's been the thing that's filled your cup? I mean, honestly, like, I think it seems like a little bit cliche to like, cause we're on this, you know, podcast, but I do get, so my husband goes to work early every morning.
00:53:08
Speaker
So I get to get up with my little one. Like it's just me and her every single morning. And so i think just, she wakes up a different kid every day, you know, good and bad some days.
00:53:19
Speaker
But absolutely I think like just her, she's just so excited about, ah she's just an excited little person, you know? And so to see her go running out the door and say, you know, buy dogs. And then she'll this morning on the way to school where she was looking out the window and the airplanes were going by and she was saying, bye airplanes. And it like, it's just, it's so many little things that make, you know, every day so good. And like, you forget, you forget the tantrums and you forget that, like all that stuff falls to the wayside. Cause I don't know. They're just a good reminder of, you know, all the little things,
00:53:57
Speaker
All the little things, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's truly that, that, that stop and smell the roses moment of like, and that it is exciting. one who down And sometimes it's hard, but it's also like in the best way, you know, it's like the things you take for granted that they're a little, they're a little self picks up on. yeah.
00:54:15
Speaker
For sure. For sure. I don't think that's cliche at all. I think that's beautiful and perfect and totally a fill your mom cup moment. Absolutely. Well, again, Brittany, thank you so, so much.
00:54:28
Speaker
And, you know, just sending you all the baby dust and good vibes for, you know, just what what the future holds for sure. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who.
00:54:45
Speaker
We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You, and Who podcast community.
00:54:57
Speaker
Firstly, if you haven't already, make sure to subscribe to our podcast on your favorite platform. Hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode and can stay up to date with our latest content.
00:55:09
Speaker
But that's not all. We also have an exciting YouTube channel where we share some bonus content behind the scenes glimpses and video versions of our episodes. Head over to YouTube and hit that subscribe button there as well. And don't forget to click the notification bell so you'll be the first to know when the new episodes go live and for more exclusive updates, engaging discussions, and a chance to connect with fellow listeners.
00:55:33
Speaker
Be sure to follow us on our social media accounts. You can find us on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok at Create a Happy Family. If you're interested in finding out more about creating a happy family, please visit us at www.createahappyfamily.com.
00:55:50
Speaker
Thank you again for being part of the Me, You & Who community. Your support means the world to us. I can't wait for you to join us next time as we continue to share stories and journeys of creating happy families.