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S3E20 Who?! Overcoming Challenges & Embracing Joy: Brandi's Surrogacy Story
13 Plays15 hours ago
Summary
In this episode, Whitney is joined by Brandi Pearce, a mom of three whose path to parenthood through surrogacy is nothing short of inspiring. Battling Crohn’s disease made pregnancy too risky, but that never deterred Brandi from her dreams of becoming a mother. She turned to surrogacy not once, but three times to create her beautiful family. Two of those journeys were independent, and her final journey was with Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions, where she experienced the ease and support of having a full team walk alongside her.
We talk about the differences between each journey, what she learned along the way, and how having the right support can make all the difference. Brandi also shares the special way she prepared her son for baby brother, by writing a children’s book that explains their beautiful family journey in a way that’s simple, sweet, and filled with love.
Whether you're considering surrogacy, in the middle of the process, or supporting someone who is, Brandi’s story is a reminder of the many ways families are built and the beauty that can unfold when you lean into the process with openness and heart.
Takeaways
-Brandi faced significant health challenges that impacted her ability to carry children.
-Surrogacy was chosen as a viable option for family building.
-The legal complexities of surrogacy vary by state and can be daunting.
-Emotional support is crucial during the surrogacy process.
-Brandi's journey involved multiple surrogates and unique challenges each time.
-The transition to agency support alleviated some of the stress of the process.
-Building relationships with surrogates is essential for a positive experience.
- Brandi's experiences highlight the importance of communication in surrogacy.
-Postpartum feelings can affect surrogate mothers as well as biological mothers.
-Surrogacy is a deeply personal journey that varies for each family.
-Communication is key in surrogacy relationships.
-Every surrogacy journey is unique and cannot be generalized.
-Hidden illnesses like Crohn's disease can complicate family planning.
-Documenting the surrogacy journey can help children understand their family dynamics.
-Celebrating diverse family structures is essential for acceptance.
-Transitioning to new family dynamics requires careful planning and support.
-Simplifying conversations about surrogacy for children can ease their understanding.
-Parents should not fear discussing surrogacy with their kids.
-Embracing the unknown can lead to a more enjoyable surrogacy experience.
-Finding joy in simple moments can strengthen family bonds.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Sponsorship
00:00:00
Speaker
This episode of me, you, and who is brought to you by the egg donor and surrogate solutions education team. Delivery day is
Special Live Webinar Announcement
00:00:08
Speaker
coming. And as an intended parent, you deserve to feel informed, empowered, and prepared.
00:00:15
Speaker
If you're an intended parent currently working with our team, we are hosting a special live webinar for you. Creating a birth plan, navigating delivery day as an intended parent.
Event Details for Intended Parents
00:00:27
Speaker
head over to our Intended Parent Facebook group, June 5th at 7 p.m. Central, 8 p.m. Eastern. Surrogacy is unique and your birth plan should be too. So let's talk about it together.
00:00:39
Speaker
Mark your calendar and come be part of the conversation. See you there.
Meet Brandy Pierce, Intended Mother and Author
00:00:44
Speaker
Hi, everyone. Welcome to Me, You, and Who. On today's episode, I'm excited to sit down with intended mother and author, Brandy Pierce, who shares how she built her family through surrogacy.
00:00:57
Speaker
Brandy opens up about the unique challenges she faced when doing two independent journeys before she came to egg donor and surrogate solutions for her final journey.
Challenges and Joys of Surrogacy
00:01:07
Speaker
Our conversation explores not only the hurdles along the way, like legal surprises, as well as emotional complexities,
00:01:14
Speaker
but also the joys that come when building your family in this way. Join us as Brandy discusses the power of support, the importance of clear communication, and even how she documented her journey through a children's book called Mommy's Oven.
00:01:30
Speaker
Whether you're curious about surrogacy or seeking inspiration in overcoming life's obstacles, this conversation is sure to resonate with you. Enjoy! Me, you, and who?
00:01:43
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic.
Podcast Mission and Host Introduction
00:01:51
Speaker
This podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
00:02:00
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall and I am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:02:14
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Reflection on Surrogacy Journey
00:02:37
Speaker
prettyy I'm so glad you're here. This is so exciting. Thank you. Me too. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, we'll just dive right in. um First of all, I feel lucky enough to um get to just have this moment and come full circle with you since I was um privileged and honored to get to be your coordinator during your journey. But before even I came onto the scene, I would love to just go to You have three beautiful children all brought to the world through surrogacy. but I just want to know, like let's just start there. What led you to surrogacy being the way that you were going to grow your family? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to be here with you too, because you have gotten to be on all the last process with us. And you've been such a blessing.
00:03:27
Speaker
oh thank you.
Health Struggles and Decision for Surrogacy
00:03:29
Speaker
Yeah, so we, i was in the hospital for six years with Crohn's disease. um and Like legitimately in the hospital.
00:03:39
Speaker
my you Yes, I've had 82 abdominal surgeries. I was in a coma. All the all the things that I did not used to look like this. i was bald, like 80 pounds.
00:03:53
Speaker
All the things that basically make a woman's body not the perfect place to hold a baby. Yeah. Well, I mean, you were just fighting for your own life. Like, goodness.
00:04:08
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So they always said, oh, she's not going to have kids. And I was like, well, we'll see. Mm. You don't tell me what I can't do. That's the best attitude to have.
00:04:20
Speaker
Yes. You're not going to tell me I'm not going have my babies. So, yeah. And my husband we started trying and, you know, we we knew there was a possibility.
00:04:34
Speaker
Sure. And we went to the doctor and they said, this is just, it would just, It would kill you, it would kill the baby, you guys, this would just be the worst. and There's no, if you could even get pregnant, because I just have so much scar tissue and all kinds of stuff. And short obviously the first reaction is just shock and devastation. and And they were like, you know, there's tons of options. My husband was adopted when he was 12 with two siblings from Russia.
00:05:03
Speaker
So, you know, we were, we were, around open to whatever. Sure. Alternative building your, fa yeah. Alternative building of the family. Yeah.
00:05:14
Speaker
Totally. Um, and and then we, for work, we worked, my husband traveled for work. He would open offices in different States. And so, um, we have friends all over, which is wonderful. It's such a gift that, uh, it was a great opportunity to meet people
Surrogacy Journey Begins with a Friend
00:05:33
Speaker
around the world. But, um,
00:05:35
Speaker
We had some friends that the husband, of course, this has happened twice. Husbands always volunteer their wives for things. I thought my wife would cure your baby.
00:05:47
Speaker
That's not a thing that you get to say. Oh my gosh. I love it. Like, are we like, are we having dinner? Like, are we just like in like the little kitchen of the office when this conversation is happening?
00:05:58
Speaker
Like in places together when we traveled for work and This was a friend of ours and, and, and she was moving back down with her daughter to be with him. And, and we just happened to be talking to her one day and she was like, I've always wanted to do that.
00:06:17
Speaker
And she was a friend of ours. And she said, I'd love to, she had no desire to have any more cuup kids. She had her own. He and her had a kid when they were young, young.
00:06:29
Speaker
And she said, no, one's good. I don't, but I would love to do this for y'all. And within, i think it was just a few months, like we all moved in together and started doing all the steps and we had no idea
First Surrogacy Legal Challenges
00:06:45
Speaker
what we were doing. Like, wow no idea.
00:06:48
Speaker
We went to a doctor, we knew that like you could retrieve eggs and you could treat retrieve sperm and you could create embryos, but like no idea. sure we were just like,
00:07:00
Speaker
okay, here's a step. Okay, here's a step. We talked to our fertility doctors and we were in San Antonio at the time and they were like, this is what you need to do. This is what you need to do.
00:07:11
Speaker
But during all of this, we had no idea that like, oh, in three months, you pay X number of dollars. So like we were just- Oh, wow. You were lying by the seat of your pants.
00:07:27
Speaker
Yes, at one point we sold two cars and a dog because we needed X number of dollars the next week for the transfer or whatever. Wow.
00:07:40
Speaker
We were not prepared at all. We had no idea what we were doing. Thank the Lord.
00:07:46
Speaker
He was on our side in this because it was literally like just step by step. We were making it. Bye. Yeah, for sure.
00:07:58
Speaker
I mean, and like, I mean, my gosh, like that combination is like what nightmares are made of. And thank God it like didn't, I mean, all of the stars aligned where all was well. mean you yeah Hiccup after hiccup after hiccup. Cause we had no idea what we were doing. Like we got to the legal work and they were like, Oh, you need a lawyer.
00:08:14
Speaker
And, uh, before we can start her retreat or her medicine, you need a lawyer. And so we had to go find a lawyer. And then they were like, here's the paperwork you'll need. With our first one about five months pregnant,
00:08:33
Speaker
like I said, she had a daughter and we didn't want her to have to move schools in the middle of her school year after Stephanie gave birth. And so we thought, well, we'll move because our job was flexible. We'll move to where y'all are going to live because her family lived in a different state. Her family lived in Utah and we we live in Texas.
00:08:52
Speaker
ahha And she was going to go live with her family um once the baby was born. And so we wanted to put her daughter in the school that she was going to be in before because of the school way the school year fell and everything.
00:09:05
Speaker
Yeah, sure. We moved up there um at like five months pregnant. At seven months, when you're supposed to go in and do all the hospital stuff. Yeah, you got your parentage paperwork and you go register at the hospital. and yeah you like you know You walk in, you
Second Surrogacy and State Differences
00:09:23
Speaker
fill out the paperwork and you walk out. and and Stephanie and I were the only ones in Utah. Our husbands were still working back in Texas. and The lady said, ah this legal work is not...
00:09:41
Speaker
recognizable in the state of Utah. And i was like, what does that mean? And she said, oh, if if the baby is born right now, the hospital won't let you take the baby home. And I was like, what?
00:09:57
Speaker
Like, we were in over our heads. We had no idea. literally called my husband, like, you need to be here right now. I don't know what's going on, but we can take our baby home.
00:10:07
Speaker
And this is like, This isn't like our second or third time doing it where I'm like, okay, it's no big deal. We'll get it figured out. This is like, I'm not gonna get- No, we're freaking out. Yeah. It's freaking Stephanie doesn't want more children.
00:10:22
Speaker
What we doing?
00:10:26
Speaker
It was terrifying. And thankfully my husband's parents knew adoption. Oh, and that was the other thing was that every state is different. in Yeah.
00:10:38
Speaker
in what their legal requirements are. And um at the time, was, our oldest is 10. So at the time, this was about 11 years ago.
00:10:51
Speaker
um I don't know what the the the law is now there, but at the time they did not recognize surrogacy paperwork as in like um pre pre-birth orders.
00:11:06
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, um this is a great highlight because you're right. Every single state is, you know, not every state recognizes surrogacy as or allows surrogacy, you know, like Michigan just this last year in 2024 just became a state where you could legally, you know, do surrogacy.
00:11:25
Speaker
And then within that, every state has their own you know laws that and requirements that you have to follow. And yes, if you know just because you drafted your contract in Texas doesn't mean that Utah is going to recognize it. And then some states are what's called a pre-birth order or a post-birth order.
00:11:47
Speaker
And, you know, yes, it is all so and you have to go and have certain things before a judge. And sometimes
Agency Support in Third Surrogacy
00:11:53
Speaker
you have to go, but sometimes you don't. I mean, it's all like, yeah, it's all different. It was different.
00:12:00
Speaker
That's exactly what happened. Well, we went to the lawyer and my husband was there and he said, could you just. So in Utah, you have to do.
00:12:11
Speaker
The legal work like you would for an adoption. So at seven months, I had to get, my husband. i was He was going to go on the birth certificate.
00:12:26
Speaker
I see. I had to have letters of recommendation, pictures of my home, a picture from the judge that I could adopt.
00:12:37
Speaker
Your own child. Maybe. Maybe.
00:12:42
Speaker
I wanted to be able to take home my baby, but I was like, why me, not him? Like, yeah, so my first two children, i had to adopt, but my husband not.
00:12:56
Speaker
So we did, I had to do the, and of course, I mean, the judge instantly got the paperwork and signed away and was not, I mean, there was, when we were seven months pregnant with our biological baby that we have literally,
00:13:12
Speaker
gone to the ends of the earth to make. So like, this is your baby. I'm not going to take that. You know, they made it an easy process. And of course, every hospital is different, but they were able to get us a triage room to have to see the baby. Our second baby was born in Washington. Okay.
00:13:33
Speaker
Wait, hold on. So even after that experience, You, we, we wanted to do it again. and I mean, and ultimately it was a beautiful experience. You got your baby and it was amazing, but we're doing it again.
00:13:47
Speaker
But then you still went independent. You still wanted to go. So for one, my husband, when we got married, he had a big family and he said, I want six kids. I want six kids.
00:13:59
Speaker
And we had August and he was like, one's good.
00:14:06
Speaker
He so hard.
00:14:11
Speaker
I'll tell you what. If we had had our daughter, which is our third, first, we would probably have six kids. August was hell on wheels. Oh. Every second of it.
00:14:23
Speaker
has been He's wonderful. But he was a hard baby. So it took us five years to have our next one. Because it took two years to convince him have another baby.
00:14:34
Speaker
just
00:14:37
Speaker
And then two years to make him, you know? Right, right. Oh my gosh. Well, we still went independent. we, uh, another friend again, I said, husbands love to volunteer their wives.
00:14:53
Speaker
So funny. We had expressed that we were starting again. And one of our close friends, um, He and his wife, we were we were together at the time. They lived in Washington, um but we do a lot of trips together for work. And he was like, what about you, Julia?
00:15:13
Speaker
And she was like, honestly, I've always thought about doing it. She has four kids. and and But it's just funny to me because husbands are always like, oh, I bet my wife would do it I'm like, Flo, you don't volunteer your wife for it.
00:15:27
Speaker
Oh, my God. No to husbands. Hear it now. Hear it now, my friends. Just ask your wife first before you go and volunteer there. She was very eager, and she she absolutely wanted to do it, and she's wonderful. And, and then again, these were both friends of mine prior to um Moving forward with Cersei. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Yeah, and we – so we were a lot more prepared time because think we –
00:16:02
Speaker
In our minds, we thought we knew all the ins and outs of what needed to happen. And we were like, oh, we, you know, we got this. We know everything that needs to happen. Well, the worst had already happened and you have run into every hiccup and you, you know.
00:16:17
Speaker
That first one, it was everything. With the second one, we did run into some things. Like i said, Oliver was born in Washington.
00:16:28
Speaker
so there,
00:16:31
Speaker
They have another different process, different from Texas and Utah. We had to have a lawyer in Washington and a lawyer in Texas that represented both of us that...
Emotional Aspects and Inspiration for 'Mommy's Oven'
00:16:44
Speaker
um
00:16:49
Speaker
Like one drafts the paperwork, but the other one represents the other, but then you have to have the parentage and that in that state. and you know Yeah, exactly. opposite In opposite states. um And with that one as well, it was prior to, but um on the birth certificate, it was Julia and Nick.
00:17:11
Speaker
Nick is my husband. right sorry and then And then after the baby was born, which was very unfortunate because it was during COVID, um we had to file for me to be put onto the birth certificate. But because of COVID, I couldn't call in, I couldn't do anything.
00:17:29
Speaker
was trying to get all this done because they wouldn't legally let me because I wasn't on anything. So that was another battle that like, we couldn't. So like, you can't even you can't even like take him to the doctor and say, you know, like his pediatrician appointments, like you weren't even able to be like.
00:17:53
Speaker
I could, because I mean, we, we had papers saying that we brought him home from the hospital. Like they had papers. Her and her husband actually had to sign a paper saying that we could take the baby from the hospital, which was interesting. I've never heard of that before, but yeah, he had to sign it too. and But as far as certificates, passports, anything legal, yeah they wouldn't, like um the social security office would not send his social security card to my address because
00:18:30
Speaker
It had Julia's name on it. Oh my gosh. It was, you know, things that like you could probably fix really quickly, but because of COVID everything. just delayed everything. Yeah.
00:18:42
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. But that one was, that one was fun too, because, um, she was in Washington for a lot of it, but we got to spend time with her family and, and my kids are friends with her friends.
00:18:54
Speaker
And, um, so it was a fun,
00:18:59
Speaker
the first one they lived with us through the whole pregnancy. So this time around we were in different states. So it was different. You know, you have all those concerns of like, with with it was interesting because with August, I really thought in the first four months, I was like, he he knows I'm not his mom. Like, and and really it was just,
00:19:23
Speaker
I was exhausted. He wasn't sleeping or going the bathroom or any of these things. And my husband come home calm and he would calm down. But like the doctor said, Oh yeah, postpartum. And I'm like, no, I didn't carry him. And he's like, no, but you can have postpartum as as a mom of a baby, even if i was like, I didn't know that was even a thing.
00:19:46
Speaker
With Julia living in a different state, I thought, am I going to feel the same way? Is, is, is this going to happen again? I think having done it the first time, the second time was such an easier emotional and mental transition with that new baby. ah and And knowing that he's my baby.
Societal Views and Importance of Education
00:20:08
Speaker
Like, oh yeah without a doubt, this is my baby. and and I was just extremely blessed to have somebody that I love and cherish get to house him and care for him the process absolutely absolutely well and i mean and not to mention with august you know like you said like that was a ah you were truly on a wild ride from the very beginning and then and then it sounds like you know august kept that wild ride going um you know as far as um just his sweet, you know, little colicky self, it sounds like. But, but yeah, I mean, that's a lot. That really is a lot. And, you know, and yes, I think everybody can come back and say, you know, everybody's journey is so different. But, but yeah, especially like having August at home and then knowing like, okay, and now new baby's coming and you kind of have a little bit, you know, you kind of, kind of know what to expect. But that is a lot. That is a lot.
00:21:10
Speaker
and And we also only had one embryo every time we, we did the process, which was so like, is added and this added fear yeah just carried throughout every process because it was such a battle to get an embryo and such a, you know, every time they would call and say, we're not really sure we're going have an embryo, you know? and And so not only do you have that weight, but then
00:21:43
Speaker
both families that we were with each time it was like they had that weight of please let there be an embryo you know and we were all in this thing each time and so even saying like oh is he gonna know i'm his mom like we have all spent all this time and a emotion and and love for this little hope of something you know yeah so
00:22:13
Speaker
They were just wild roller coasters and worth every second. Oh, absolutely worth every second. Yes, for sure. then, after our third, five years later, again.
00:22:26
Speaker
It took five more years, five more years, or two years to convince. And then, yeah, no, for sure, for sure, absolutely. And then that's whenever you said to yourself, i we're going to try the agency route.
00:22:39
Speaker
Yes. Yes. yes Yeah, that we, of course, doing these way back then, there was not as much communication about these kinds of things. There wasn't as much talk about it. like Yeah, for sure.
00:23:01
Speaker
when When we went through August's process, the very beginning, and I did not know a soul that had done surrogacy. i mean, most people's common question was, oh, do you just not want to get fat? like It was limited.
00:23:17
Speaker
I love the saying ignorance is bliss because people aren't purposely clueless as to what is going on.
Agency Support and Family Dynamics
00:23:28
Speaker
They genuinely don't know.
00:23:30
Speaker
And so, and that was exactly what the very first one was, was like, nobody talked about it. It wasn't a thing that like, sure. And so many people message me and say, oh we went through this and we didn't tell anyone because,
00:23:43
Speaker
We just didn't want to get all the backlash or all the confrontation or all the fear, or all the added weight of emotion and stress and concern because it wasn't a, it wasn't a thing then like people didn't share about it.
00:23:56
Speaker
Yeah. what So, you know, once we'd gone through it twice, yeah, we, wait, man, going, doing it with you guys has, it's just been a blessing of course with two kids now when we started this one,
00:24:11
Speaker
um
00:24:14
Speaker
Mom? Yeah. You're in full mom mode. You're in, I mean, yeah. Max full time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Like there's no time.
00:24:24
Speaker
There's no spare time to you want to start the process and you want the, our our IVF company is two hours from us.
00:24:39
Speaker
Right. So even when I started the medications, Every other morning at five in the morning, I drive two hours away to get one work done. Right.
00:24:50
Speaker
I come back to, you know, kids and and jobs and work and all, you know. Yeah. Life keeps going. And so the added weight and fear and stress and and concerns of trying to make sure every I was dotted and T was crossed was just a little too much for us to do without help.
00:25:12
Speaker
And, you know, And man, you, every tea before we even had the concern, it was such a blessing. think my favorite, you and I were on the phone once and you were like, yeah, Nick ah nick was like, hey, where are we in in you know whatever? And you looked at him and you were like, I don't know.
00:25:34
Speaker
I don't have to know. was such a weight. It such a weight lifted have that you want to say like small portion of it, but it's like all of it, all of the work part of it was taken off, which is it.
Conversations and Relationships in Surrogacy
00:25:56
Speaker
It's already such an emotional roller coaster to go through this process, but to do it and have to do every single detail and not miss something for the work or redo it or even in the process. Like, i mean, we had a mishap literally on the day of delivery and like,
00:26:13
Speaker
we knew we didn't have to fear or worry or stress because you were like, I don't even, i got it. Yeah. got It was such a weight lifted. And in, in, you know, the first two times we were very blessed to have friends that offered.
00:26:34
Speaker
and And this time we, you know, we didn't, we weren't in that position to say, okay well, you know, Yeah. And we love Sydney.
00:26:47
Speaker
She is so wonderful. And she was just, they were the perfect match for our family and our kids and the relationship. And it was just, it was just right.
00:27:04
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I mean, going back to like what you said of, you know, that fear and that worry, and you're you're thinking about all of those moving parts and to get to have the ability to, like you said, it already is an emotional rollercoaster.
00:27:20
Speaker
And instead of, you know, and and you had all of the other fears and all of the other, you're up at 5 a.m. m to get to where you need to go because you've got to do your egg retrieval. And then it's, you know, okay, now we're thinking about transfer day. And now we're, you know, just all of those things.
00:27:34
Speaker
and And instead of worrying about paperwork and, you know, and all of that, you get to just, and especially once, you know, once Sydney was pregnant, now you just get to enjoy it.
00:27:45
Speaker
You don't have to worry about those next steps or, you know, my gosh, the fear of having to adopt your own baby and, you know, just all of those things. like Even just conversations that like, no matter, no matter what process you're in, and you always have to have some really hard conversations with that other family or that other couple or that other woman, um whether you've known them forever or you've just met them.
00:28:15
Speaker
And it was ah blessing to have you be able to relay those things in order for neither of us to
00:28:27
Speaker
Um, have that affect y'all's relationship. Right. Right. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You guys got to grow that emotional bond and, you know, and then on this other side, it's like, all right, let's check those business boxes let's, you know, let's talk about this.
00:28:42
Speaker
Yeah. Very first time it was very scary because, you know, uh, I think this is a normal fear to have for any mom. Dads are different, I think, but especially because mom,
00:28:55
Speaker
usually carries the baby. They have that relationship and that and that feeling.
Unique Challenges and Hidden Illnesses
00:28:59
Speaker
And my very first time it was like, that baby's gonna know that he that he was in her belly and not mine. like the baby you know am i That's what my brain was telling me. you know I was like, my gosh, I don't know how to talk to her about blah, blah, blah.
00:29:19
Speaker
and And my husband is very blunt.
00:29:24
Speaker
They'd be like, oh, I'll do it. And I'm like,
00:29:29
Speaker
maybe not. But I couldn't do it because I was going cry because I was so afraid I was going to hurt her feelings or so worried that, you know, she might be upset or disappointed or frustrated or whatever. And it was like, you get Nick or you get me.
00:29:42
Speaker
Yes. The most time we got, we you were able to, you know, have those conversations that,
00:29:54
Speaker
Really, we were probably both on the same page on, we just didn't know it and we're afraid to talk to each other about it. So it was a blessing to have you be able to communicate those things for both of us.
00:30:06
Speaker
Yeah. i mean, just having that bridge and just having kind of, you know, that, that one person to kind of break the ice and, you know, just keep things. Yeah, absolutely. and and And we really were both on the same page and things. We just didn't know it because we were so afraid to either hurt one another or breach that subject or talk about that or discuss what would happen or, you know.
00:30:28
Speaker
And this time was different as well. We, our first embryo did not.
00:30:35
Speaker
i yeah And so we did have to do everything from scratch again, which was another like, you know, it was different from the first two. So every time had its,
00:30:49
Speaker
it
00:30:52
Speaker
ups and downs. Yeah, its own unique experience. to for It's not something that, you know, Crohn's disease is a is a hidden illness, right? Like, you don't see it from the outside. People always talk about um hidden illnesses and how, um you know, you don't necessarily know. and And with a lot of those, everything is, andpro you know, every single person is different. Like, my sister-in-law has a similar thing and my, one of my friends has a similar thing and, and, you know, they'll ask me questions about it and say, what do I do and the
00:31:30
Speaker
every single thing is different. Surrogacy is the exact same way. Every single situation is different. We've met so many families in the last 11, 12 years with different scenarios completely. And you cannot prepare for the unknown.
Explaining Surrogacy to Children
00:31:48
Speaker
Like you just have to take it as it comes and, and be willing to be flexible with the journey. No, you're so right. You're so right. And I mean, and that's why it is so important to build that trusted team and people that you can rely on and, you know, and having a good attorney and a great agency and, you know, that doctor that you are trusting and, you know, you, you have that team for a reason because it is so you know, it,
00:32:20
Speaker
you don't know what you don't know and you can prepare and prepare and prepare and sometimes things go cookie cutter and then sometimes things go haywire and you know but if you have that support it makes what can feel overwhelming you can take it in bite-sized chunks yeah yeah for sure for sure you're going back to you know oliver's oliver's on the way And, you know, I, you say to yourself, well, I guess maybe at what point did you decide, you know, you know what?
00:32:56
Speaker
I, I want to, I want to document in said children's book form. What, what was that catalyst to be like, let me write this all down.
00:33:07
Speaker
So that's funny because actually Stephanie, first surrogate had kind of tried to explain to her daughter. Sure.
00:33:19
Speaker
you know, why she was carrying our baby. you know And at the time, her daughter was, um I believe, six.
00:33:31
Speaker
Okay. And she was kind of explaining it in the same manner. And it was kind of like a short, like, here's what's happened, here's why.
00:33:44
Speaker
And it was really funny, her daughter would, you know, at one point we went to school to register her and she was like, um, the, the, the Prince, I went with Stephanie to register her and the principal said, and and how are you related? And her daughter said, my mom's carrying her baby.
00:34:02
Speaker
it was so, uh,
00:34:07
Speaker
And this was at a time when like, this wasn't talked about, you know? Right. Sure. Like, yeah, I'm your baby mama. chicken it You know, feeding into the, you know, the, the fun of, of, of, I am a firm believer of when things are rough and things are hard, you laugh and you joke.
00:34:29
Speaker
And that is how you get through it. i love it. Yes. Otherwise, you know, And so, yeah, so August was about four when we started. Well, I guess it was three when we like actually started, but by the time we were ready to start transferring and start doing all the stuff and and shots, and you know he was there. watched me getting medication. He knew but something was happening.
00:35:02
Speaker
And so we we wanted him to get to not only witness and be a part of it, but like understand that there was a baby coming and that it was going to be his sibling. And I was not going to have a big tummy. And, you know, and so we started to explain process and we were like, you know, just like you, mommy has ingredients, daddy had ingredients. when We put them together and we made you and,
00:35:34
Speaker
um and But my oven doesn't work and um Julia's oven does work and so she's going to grow your little sibling in her tummy, but but it's going to come home with us. And so we started telling you this story and with and and i we we just kept explaining it in the same way. And people kept saying, you need to write that. need to make that a book.
00:36:01
Speaker
And one day I just sat down and I wrote the whole story out and I thought it was just on a scratch piece of paper. And I thought, you're right. Lots of people need to understand this, not just August.
00:36:13
Speaker
Other siblings, other kids that are going to be born through this process um are going to feel maybe be separated or or You know, one of my my deepest concerns initially before we started anything was like adoption.
00:36:36
Speaker
Is my kid going to want to know ah woman who carried him? Is he going to want to meet him? Like, is is he going to want a relationship? And so i i wanted to build that bridge before we reached it so that It was an easy understanding for him. He wasn't going, why didn't they ever tell me that I was carrying somebody else's baby? Why didn't they, um you know, explain to me that mommy didn't give birth to me? You know, I wanted i wanted him to be able to understand it in a way that he could understand at a young age.
00:37:16
Speaker
And it was just common knowledge. It was just something was completely normal. Well, and it It is. mean, it's, you know, every every birth is, you know, or everyone's birth story should be celebrated. And I think that's what this is. This is just a beautiful celebration of just one more way that families are created. and You know, just like, you know, families are built differently and, you know, in how people decide to to move forward in their life. This is just one more way to make it where exactly like you said, it's just common. It's just common knowledge. yeah Just like there's baby books, you know, out there for, you know, hey, your mommy's tummy is going to get big.
00:37:52
Speaker
There's books out there for someone else's tummy is going to get big, but you're still a big sibling and it's going to, and it's something to celebrate and, and get excited about. It helped us. It also helped with his relationship with the other family and it helped the other kids. It helped Julia's kids and Stephanie's kids and Sydney's kids, I think it was a way for them to see get to witness not only what happens, but what is happening for that other family. Like your mom is is is giving a gift to this other family and you get to be a part of of watching it happen and supporting your mom in the process of her doing this.
00:38:40
Speaker
So Yeah, it was really fun. And we got to work with a really cool illustrator that used I mean, this is what my son looks like.
00:38:53
Speaker
Oh, I know. I was looking at the pictures and I think they're like in the living room. I think it's like there's a family photo. And I was like, oh, my gosh, that's Brandy. Oh, wow. Like, I mean, really, the illustrator did such an amazing job. And I mean, I think the thing that I love, it really is it it encompasses such a.
00:39:12
Speaker
what can potentially be, you know, a quote complicated scenario. And, you know, exactly like you said, you know, you had so many people reach out to you asking all of these questions and and things like that, and just not having a clear understanding. And this is just such a great, simple,
00:39:31
Speaker
just no holds barred, this is what's happening. And I mean, it's beautifully it's beautifully explained. It really, really is. And oh my gosh, this is one of my favorite photos. It's for, if you're just listening and you're not looking, there's this picture of um Julia having an ultrasound and the illustrator has Brandy with her hands up to her mouth. And I mean, it's just so you, like, I mean, just, it's so like, it really is. I mean, it's a great, it's a great book.
00:40:00
Speaker
One of the things, you know, one of the themes that is in it is, you know, August kind of saying he understands that he has a baby brother, but he's still not sure, you know, if baby is going to come home.
00:40:12
Speaker
How did you kind of navigate that in real time? Like when it happened? Yeah. Well, that's interesting because, like you said, my belly didn't get big.
00:40:23
Speaker
And
00:40:27
Speaker
one of the things that... Oliver has either broached or asked a few times was like, are there any pictures of me in your belly? And then and just recently he said, mom, is there a baby book about me? And I said, Oliver, you
Family Involvement and Connections
00:40:41
Speaker
are the main character. you This is you, buddy.
00:40:45
Speaker
This is anticipating you. there pictures of me? Yes, there's pictures of you. This is you right here, you know? um It was actually really book.
00:40:56
Speaker
ah all three times the hospitals were very, um, even with the first one, they were very willing to accommodate and, and make our scenarios comfortable and easy and it' as comfortable and easy as you can be at the hospital and you're, sure yeah yeah and, um, and they were willing to let August be a part of it with, um,
00:41:28
Speaker
obviously with all three surrogates, there're their children did not, but they weren't there when the delivery happened. But August did get to be there when the delivery happened. And he did get to, i mean, he was in the room, he was one o'clock in the morning, so he was asleep on the couch.
00:41:40
Speaker
But he did wake up to baby and, you know, he was, he, we had, we had continually told him, you know, this, this is going to be our baby. Like this is, this baby is coming home with us.
00:41:54
Speaker
They are a part of me and they are a part of dad. And And they are part of you. Like they they are they're going to be very similar to you. They're going to love you. They're going to adore you. they're You know, we went through all those scenarios. And so when baby was here, he we did get to go to a room for us where he got to meet brother and he got to, you know, somebody said, somebody asked me, there's a picture in here of me in the bed.
00:42:29
Speaker
yeah And somebody was like, why are you in a You didn't deliver.
00:42:38
Speaker
they put us in a room, in a bed, with the skin-to-skin, with August getting to come in and witness that mom has a baby and that it's his baby.
00:42:49
Speaker
And it helped create that transition of it didn't come out of mommy's belly, but look, this is our family dynamic and this is what's happening and you do get to live on this baby and and be a part of him growing up. And even my parents got to come in in this room with us and and it was a really easy transition for August to see, to physically see mom having a baby and coming home with that baby and okay, we're gonna, you know, and and we went to a hotel, but we went as a group and Mimi and Boopaw went and later,
00:43:27
Speaker
Julia's family did come to the hotel and see us and her kids got to see Oliver and- And and then have that closure and yeah, absolutely. And next time we get to be together and play and the kids, we get to play and it helped her kids also see what she had been going through for the last, you know, two years.
00:43:52
Speaker
And- dad and see us get to be whole with Oliver now that he was here. So was it was good for them too, to to see what their mom had done and what they had been supporting, you know, cause they were so supportive of her.
00:44:09
Speaker
So yeah. It's beautiful to that you made sure that you were conscientious of, you know, like you said, the those transitions and You know, I think it's so funny that you bring up that hospital picture um because because I can so imagine somebody saying something, you know, like, well, but but why why would you be in a hospital bed?
00:44:30
Speaker
First of all, you know, just logistically speaking, whenever you're in a hospital room, there's really not a whole lot of furniture to like hang out in. So like who who isn't going to be in the bed? But, you know, exactly like what you said, you being in a hospital bed, having skin to skin with a baby is not sitting there saying, you know, hey, like, let's pretend that how he got here didn't happen. It's just a transition of, and now, and now this is like, this is now our new family. This is, you know, what to, what what we're doing next.
00:45:02
Speaker
And yeah, and I think it's beautiful that you guys were so conscientious of, know, of thinking about that as you're talking to August. prepare and live play To add to that, with both of with both deliveries after August, because August you know was the first right where we had kids with us, is what I mean. like He was with us all over. Exactly. You're navigating the the journey with children you know and and having to guide them through it, for sure. They wanted to
00:45:35
Speaker
see our surrogates after the delivery. Like like we went to see Julia after Oliver was born with August. Like, you know, when the baby went to the nursery, we went to see Julia and we got to talk with her and he got to see her and thank her for his brother. And, you know, was a it was a way for him um to recognize her and and all the things that she had done in order for him to have a sibling. So was, you know, we're not negating it or ignoring oh like If anything, we wanted we wanted him to know.
Normalizing Surrogacy for Children
00:46:08
Speaker
and and the same with Oliver. He knew Sydney and he wanted to see her. And yeah, I don't i i think making it a normal... um Just one more way to love your family. i I think they both love the way they were born and they know what it is and they appreciate it and they like it and that's fun.
00:46:36
Speaker
Oh, for sure it is. For sure it is. I mean, it's just, you know, it's an extension of, you know, your family going back to you guys traveling and you have friends in all different states and now you have extra special friends in all different states.
00:46:49
Speaker
Yeah, and Sydney was our first Texas surrogate. Our first Texas surrogate, shout out.
00:46:57
Speaker
We didn't have to go to a different state for a delivery and the first time we didn't have to, uh, different legal work for different states. Amazing.
00:47:13
Speaker
Your name was on that birth certificate right out the gate.
00:47:18
Speaker
What would you say, you know, especially having done this three times, And then, of course, you know ah having August kind of be that and and Oliver you know be the catalyst of writing the children's book and everything. What advice would you give to parents who want to talk to their children about surrogacy, whether their children are born through surrogacy or they're just curious because they hear their friend talking about it or you know that kind of thing? What advice would you want to give to parents?
00:47:49
Speaker
That's actually funny because You started to ask that question and I was like, oh my gosh, I don't know. But um you also said explaining to other kids that aren't from surrogacy. And I have of course, run into these scenarios plenty of times where um you know somebody a sees the book and they're like, oh, I don't want to read that to my kid yet. Or um you know they're afraid.
00:48:22
Speaker
of trying to explain that to their kid because they're afraid their kid will ask too many questions, I think. I think is that the road that maybe it leads down is that they're like, oh, I don't want to have to try to explain that.
00:48:34
Speaker
I think it's because they don't know how to explain it.
00:48:38
Speaker
Or like, you know, they're like, oh, then we've reached the whole, are babies made? Sure, sure, sure. But August is, is,
00:48:50
Speaker
I'm normally inquisitive
00:48:55
Speaker
and able to comprehend from a very young age. He was very, we were able to explain things very logically and he would immediately just understand and start explaining and start comprehending and start discussing. And and truthfully, think,
00:49:21
Speaker
explaining one from a scientific, um, easy. Yes. Yes. Explanation, um, was easier than fearing, trying to, I'm not saying explain things that are not age appropriate. I mean, he was three or four or five years old when we started explaining it.
00:49:43
Speaker
Um, but him getting to understand early and simplistically from the start, but without trying to make up something that, you know.
Advice for Parents on Discussing Surrogacy
00:49:59
Speaker
um Sure, we're not gonna bring in like the myths of a stork or like anything like that Right, we're just gonna be very like, these are the facts. Helped in the transition to explaining to Oliver. And it helps to explaining to other friends because other parents panic and they're like, oh, I don't, and we're not gonna talk about how that happened.
00:50:20
Speaker
like, it's really easy and really simple. And if you very factual with it, it's very, smooth explanation where kids are like, oh, okay, yeah, I totally, it's easier for them to process quicker, being ah little more factual with it and and and saying, hey, you know, God has made every family in a different way. And yeah he He gave us the opportunity to have people that love us that wanted to help us bring you into this world.
00:50:54
Speaker
and and And here we are. Yeah. ah Well, I've always said, I feel like, you know, as adults, we make things so much more complicated than they than they need to be. And kids just keep it so simple. they're I mean, yeah, they're like, okay, great.
00:51:09
Speaker
Moving on. and Way more difficult than I intended to. But it's it is true. Like, the simpler... the better and they they actually, and think people panic that they're that they're going to get worried or their feelings are gonna get hurt or they're gonna get emotional about it. But really <unk> those young ages, they're they're intrigued and they're when you explain it that soon and that simplistic, it's just, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, right.
00:51:40
Speaker
Okay, I get that. Yeah, for sure. I think because I was so afraid of explaining it to him, Now, like, he doesn't think twice about it. It's not something that I have to continue thinking, oh, is he ever going to find out? No, he he thinks it's cool. He loves it. he's He loves the families that we have spent time with to grow our family. And, you know, he'll say that. It's just story.
00:52:06
Speaker
Yeah, it's just his story. It's his story. It's Oliver's story. It's Cleese's story. Like, I mean, it's just their story. and Yeah. It's another story. baby process, you know, we call it a baby process. It's a baby process. And yeah, and it's, it's a process for sure. For sure. Oh my goodness.
00:52:26
Speaker
Do you, so, you know, I know Oliver was asking, does he have a baby book, which he obviously does. He's the star, but do you have any plans to write more? my gosh.
00:52:38
Speaker
At one point I had said, Oh, the adventures of Oliver and Ali. And I, to,
00:52:46
Speaker
to continue all their crazy chaos and and and and it is chaos. Our third embryo was a boy and I thought, oh heavens, I am going to be a boy mom.
00:53:03
Speaker
And my husband would say, well, you're enough girl for the whole family.
00:53:09
Speaker
But the excitement of Khaleesi coming into our family was just, and and I've thought about how fun it would be, but.
00:53:21
Speaker
No plans right now. think my world is a bit consumed at the moment. I think so. Maybe one day, maybe when Khaleesi starts asking, well, wait, where am i
00:53:34
Speaker
You know, I have, I have a, yeah I wouldn't call it a terrible flaw, but I am a yes person. So I am saying yes to everything. And I get myself in over my head on pretty much everything I do.
00:53:52
Speaker
So I probably will end up having some Khaleesi book, you know? I love it. I love it. Well, I look forward to it whenever you do. oh my goodness. so thinking back...
00:54:08
Speaker
from just the very beginning of all of this, you know, before, before mommy's oven, just from the very beginning and you're, you know, your friend's husband is volunteering her for all of this.
00:54:21
Speaker
What, what advice would you give to you day one Brandy?
00:54:34
Speaker
Well,
00:54:37
Speaker
um,
00:54:40
Speaker
Don't fear the unknown.
00:54:44
Speaker
think i think I, from the very start,
00:54:51
Speaker
was so afraid of everything that could happen or, you know, the idea of things that just, I needed to take it day by day.
Reflecting on the Surrogacy Experience
00:55:04
Speaker
And the sooner I had started doing that,
00:55:07
Speaker
the easier it was to enjoy and not panic over every step that happened because it is, it is a step every single day.
00:55:20
Speaker
There is something different every single day in this process. And
00:55:27
Speaker
and and every little that's done and T that's crossed, it fearing those things prior to them happening is a waste of time it's a waste of energy and it is something that um can make the process not as amazing as it actually is yeah yeah oh that's great it was it was easy to be scared of things that i had no idea that were going to come in the very beginning one and i can say now after three of them oh you know it's easy
00:56:02
Speaker
yeah yeah But in the very beginning, before any of it started, i thought every worst thing you can possibly think of. And every day my husband had to say, Hey, like, you know, let's just, let's just wait till we see.
00:56:20
Speaker
and over time I realized like, why am I fearing things that haven't even happened or that I don't know are going to be a problem. And I definitely think every mom that goes into this process does that unintentionally.
00:56:34
Speaker
And if they can relinquish that fear and concern when they start, their process will be and amazing, wonderful, not that it's not amazing and wonderful already, but it will be weight lifted off of them as they go through it.
00:56:49
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that. No, that's so fantastic. Well, to wrap things up, as everybody knows, um I have a very codependent relationship with coffee. Although today it's tea because some tragedy took place in my house and for some reason there's no coffee. And so clearly I...
00:57:11
Speaker
It's awful. It's awful. I have to go to the grocery store. It's happening. um So we're we're limping along with tea, which, you know, no no shade to tea, but, you know, she's coffee girl. Anyway, all of that to say, I always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today?
00:57:26
Speaker
Literally or figuratively, what was the thing that has filled your cup today? ah hi walked into the living room and This seems so simple.
00:57:42
Speaker
My boys were hugging. Oh no, that's the good stuff. They are always like, you know, battling over something and I walked in and they were hugging and I was just, you know, it was just a moment of like,
00:58:01
Speaker
This couldn't be more wonderful. Yes. Yes. Oh, for sure. Mama. No, that's not simple. That's the good stuff. Yeah, absolutely.
00:58:13
Speaker
Oh gosh. I love that. I love that so much. Well, Brandy, seriously, thank you so much for your time doing this. And, you know, again, just my own personal thank you for, for letting me, you know, just be on the journey with you as we were going through, you know, just,
00:58:27
Speaker
Khaleesi coming Earthside.
Podcast Conclusion and Community Engagement
00:58:29
Speaker
but um but yeah, and then... Seriously, if we had had her first, we would have so many more kids. She's the best baby on the planet. Oh my gosh. And she's so cute.
00:58:39
Speaker
Oh my gosh. She's so cute. And those brothers. you can just tell. She's your girl. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh my gosh. I love her. She's the best.
00:58:51
Speaker
i Oh, I love that. I love that. No, for sure. For sure. She is she is so precious. i'm but But yeah, really, I mean, thank you so much for your time. And thank you so much for just writing something like this, you know, Mommy's Oven.
00:59:05
Speaker
im And, you know, having this resource to so many, um you know, as theyre as everyone else is going through their family building journey. So, yeah, I really appreciate it. Well, thank you so much.
00:59:17
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You, and Who podcast community.
00:59:35
Speaker
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00:59:46
Speaker
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01:00:02
Speaker
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01:00:14
Speaker
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01:00:28
Speaker
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