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S3 E19 Who?! Supporting the Supporters: Mental Health in Surrogacy and Fertility Care
8 Plays36 minutes ago
Get ready for a beautiful and insightful conversation with Dr. Alison Wilson, a licensed psychologist and expert in fertility counseling. As a respected voice in the field and a dedicated advocate for mental health in reproductive journeys, Alison shares her wisdom on the emotional complexities of surrogacy and egg donation covering everything from grief and trust to communication and mental health check-ins.
In this episode, Alison and Whitney dive into the “why” behind becoming a surrogate or egg donor, the emotional highs and lows that often come with the journey, and the power of feeling seen and supported. Alison also shares how she’s now leading support groups for gestational carriers at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions, creating safe, empowering spaces for surrogates to connect and thrive.
Whether you're a surrogate, an intended parent, or someone supporting others through this process, this episode is packed with warmth, practical insight, and encouragement for the road ahead.
Takeaways
Mental and Emotional Health Matter: Mental health check-ins and emotional preparation are essential throughout the journey. Awareness of mental health in fertility clinics is evolving, and acknowledging grief, especially for intended parents, is an important part of the process.
Understanding Motivations: Understanding your motivation for becoming a surrogate is key to a successful journey
Take Time for Grief: Taking time to grieve the loss of traditional family-building methods, lays the foundation for a healthy, supported experience.
Power of Support Groups: Support groups offer surrogates a safe space to connect, share experiences, and feel understood. Hearing from others, having strong facilitators, and ending on a positive note all contribute to a supportive environment.
Connection Builds Resilience: Surrogates often bring positivity but also face unique emotional challenges. Connection with others going through similar journeys can be incredibly validating and empowering.
Communication and Trust Are Key: Open, honest communication builds trust between intended parents and surrogates. Managing expectations and trusting the process help everyone navigate the ups and downs with empathy and understanding.
Surrogacy Is a Beautiful Journey: Despite its complexities, surrogacy can be a deeply meaningful and beautiful experience when approached with care, connection, and emotional support.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Fertility Counseling and Surrogacy
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone, get ready for a meaningful and insightful conversation with Dr. Allison Wilson, a licensed psychologist and expert in fertility counseling.
00:00:12
Speaker
As a respected voice in the field and a dedicated advocate for mental health in reproductive journeys, Allison shares her wisdom on the emotional complexities of surrogacy and egg donation, covering everything from trust, communication, and the importance of mental health during this process.
00:00:29
Speaker
In this episode, Alison and I dive into the importance of knowing your why behind becoming a surrogate or egg donor, the emotional highs and lows that often come with a journey, and the power of feeling seen and supported.
Support Groups and Personal Stories
00:00:44
Speaker
Alison also shares how she's now leading support groups for gestational carriers at Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions, creating safe, empowering spaces for surrogates to connect and thrive.
00:00:56
Speaker
Whether you're a surrogate, an intended parent, or someone supporting others through this process, this episode is packed with warmth, practical insight, and encouragement for the road ahead.
00:01:07
Speaker
Enjoy! me you and who who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways my name is whitney hall and i am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:43
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Allison's Journey and Industry Growth
00:02:04
Speaker
everywhere Well, seriously, Allison, thank you so so, much for doing this. I'm so excited that we get to chat with you. Yes, yes.
00:02:14
Speaker
this will be good Absolutely. Okay. So for those who don't know, Allison, you are a psychologist and, you know, my experience with you is um I've gotten to to call you up whenever we have intended parents and surrogates that are matched and we get to, you know, do the fun psychological screening and same with our egg donor program and and all of that. But How did you even, i mean, let's go back and and how did you even become involved in kind of the third party and surrogacy and egg donation and just all of that?
00:02:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, rewinding way back, I had just always been interested in in women's health and reproduction in particular. And, yeah um, and,
00:03:08
Speaker
back in graduate school taught classes on human sexuality and and things like that. yeah And then, um, I started my private practice and I wanted to be in that focused area and also, um, had my twins and,
00:03:27
Speaker
um Through Mothers of Multiples group, I met a lot of women who had their twins through fertility treatment. Yeah. And um it kind of just matched really well. And at the time I was in Houston and it was Houston IVF at that time. in that Yes. if a you know Back in the day, if um I would serve as their consultant and start doing these third party consults and screenings and things like that and so since I am a mom I I'll do anything to help someone to become a parent because it's it's such an honor and privilege so that's how I got into it and been doing it my goodness long time now oh my gosh yeah no for sure but it sounds like you were kind of on that track you know in general and then it just sort of you know just
00:04:24
Speaker
the universe aligned itself and um it just, you know, back then in 2003, there weren't a lot of mental health professionals who specialized in this area. And yeah so I kind of just grew with the industry. Yeah. Oh, for sure.
00:04:45
Speaker
starting from, i mean, gosh, yes. So to be in the industry kind of, I mean, the I love to say like the industry's kind of always been there. It's just, it hasn't always been talked about. and true right And so more and more, that's one of the great things about this, right, is it's becoming, you know, just a less taboo
Mental Health in Fertility and Surrogacy
00:05:04
Speaker
topic. And, you know, it feels like everybody knows somebody who's either doing IVF or ministering and, you know, just all of that. But I'm i'm sure, i mean, you've seen kind of just that evolution of the importance of the mental,
00:05:21
Speaker
health aspect of, you know, just what a journey like this can be. Yes. As a, you know, when I was a coordinator, as a coordinator, you kind of, you, everybody's really, really excited to like get started on kind of like the medical process. Like everyone's kind of thinking about that and like that medical screening and then and medications and, you know, just kind of the, that, that side of, you know, the, the story.
00:05:46
Speaker
But why is mental health so important, particularly in a surrogacy journey, but of course, really with all journeys. Why is that such an important piece of this?
00:06:01
Speaker
Oh gosh. it Yeah. Well, first of all, we are dealing with literally issues of life and death. We're yeah trying to bring an embryo and a little life forward and that's not always easy.
00:06:16
Speaker
and there's challenges there. Medically speaking, i mean, with the surrogates part, she's excited to do this and really, really wants to help the intended parents and typically hasn't had a reproductive problem herself in her personal life.
00:06:35
Speaker
um And so i think a surrogate can come in just so positive because that's what she knows. But it's really hard because the intended parents usually have a history where it's not that easy. right And so the mental health piece is just huge for both parties.
00:06:55
Speaker
And the surrogate in particular, it's really making sure she's able to be present for the intended parents. um and navigate that. It might be her first time to do any type of transfer or any you know any fertility treatment. sure um And so it's foreign, it's different and needs a lot of emotional support going through that. And then the intended parents also need that support because they're trusting someone else with their precious embryo.
00:07:31
Speaker
So I understand in the, medical part I marvel at, but the mental health is so important all around just for support. And, you know, we humans, we we hope for the best, we plan for the worst and things Yes. And I remember someone a long time ago told me, you know, a match between surrogate and intended parents, it's kind of like an arranged marriage.
00:08:01
Speaker
Sure. you don't know them. but you are sharing this intimate thing in your life, and you've gotta tie together, and gotta figure it out. you know So yeah it it it it can be really hard navigating that. So I really do believe that all should get their support.
00:08:24
Speaker
and And the intended parents and the surrogate can't always lean on each other for the same type of emotional support because if there's a loss, let's say, um the you know intended parents are devastated. They're, they gosh, it's so hard. And the surrogate is also so upset and disappointed and there might be guilt. and And so you can't necessarily share or lean in that way. So it's good that each party has their own separate support as well.
00:08:56
Speaker
For sure, for sure. i was gonna, yeah, i mean, Yes, absolutely, because it is so, especially in that aspect of a loss, it's, you know, we're, you're both going through the same thing, but you're feeling it in so many different ways.
00:09:14
Speaker
Definitely. Definitely. I was going to ask kind of, you know, what do you feel like, or maybe kind of some of those like big feelings that show up maybe most often in kind of that surrogacy journey for both the surrogate or the intended
Trust and Communication in Surrogacy
00:09:29
Speaker
parents? Sure. Sure. um For the intended parents, the big emotions is first accepting that we need to use the surrogate.
00:09:38
Speaker
Yeah. And there's a oftentimes a huge grief and loss, especially if it's a heterosexual couple and it's the woman who thought that she would be carrying the baby. sure And so there's a huge amount of grief and loss.
00:09:54
Speaker
And then the next leap is really a leap of faith and trust. Is this woman, the surrogate, going to do it as well as I would have done? you know And those emotions are really big. and Most intended parents have tried, and so they're very used to disappointment, heartache, failure. And so I think they can come to this with, what I say, they're protecting their heart.
00:10:24
Speaker
they yeah They're just protecting it, I get it. um And so those emotions are there and then there comes the surrogate who usually does pregnancy, she does it well and she kind of rescues the day. and sure So the intended mother can feel sometimes jealous or threatened or I wish that were me, while at the same time so grateful that she's doing this and I owe her everything. and So lots of big emotions there, right? and um And then, of course, I mean, we want to control how everything happens. Sure.
00:11:01
Speaker
So lot of intended parents want to do that. I completely respect and understand that. But surrogate is, like i said, kind of coming into it like, this is going to work, and I'm going to do so well, and I'm going to give their baby, and then... Miss Cheerleader, Miss Positivity, yes!
00:11:22
Speaker
And that lovely, we need that, right? Yes! so And I think she can be surprised at the journey in any clinic, I don't care which one it is, there's a lot of hurry up and wait.
00:11:34
Speaker
You know, like, we need this, we need this. Oh, wait, hold on. And that can be eye-opening for the surrogate at at first. And I think, obviously, she's doing this to help and is excited. And sometimes surrogates can be surprised, like, why are the intended parents not so excited? or why why are they just, you know, kind of...
00:12:04
Speaker
stand it off a little bit. Sure. So they're coming from this from a different angle. So I always you know like to educate the surrogate beforehand. They're coming from it from this way and you're coming from that. And it if we can have like cross empathy of which each one's going through, it can be really, really helpful as you go through the journey.
00:12:25
Speaker
But yeah, those emotions, utter excitement, of course. Sure. um There may be just nervousness for the surrogate. Like, I hope this goes well. and yeah I want to prove that they chose the right one. Yeah. Type of thing can happen as well.
00:12:46
Speaker
Oh, sure. It's a lot of simultaneous, like all all of these things can exist in one person at the same time. yeah Yeah. It's not either or it's both. And it's yeah.
00:12:58
Speaker
And, and I think both parties have to tolerate just the unknown and have a commitment towards one another and respect towards one another, that this is such a intimate, private, important journey.
00:13:17
Speaker
To bring a life forward, right? Yeah. No, for sure. for sure. i think it is. I mean, I was i was that surrogate who who came in and was like, oh, this is going to great.
00:13:29
Speaker
Everything's fantastic. It didn't even occur to me. I remember I went, it was my first transfer, and my intended mom was, ah she was driving me home, and she she had dropped me off, and she looked at me, and she goes, Whitney, I just want you to know that if this doesn't work, it's going to be okay.
00:13:47
Speaker
And I was I was so confused by that statement. I was like, what do you mean it's not going to work? I didn't even. What do you mean? I don't understand. And that was really like the first time that I really sat and was like, oh, that's a possibility.
00:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it's, I mean, and then you're, and then you are, you're kind of feeling this, this way. then, but then you're like, but wait, why would you, even like there's so much that can happen all at once. And having that mutual empathy for, for each party is, is so important.
00:14:21
Speaker
What do you think, what's maybe some of that kind of, you know, emotional preparation that maybe is, one could do or kind of, you know, what what would you feel like is just so important to maybe, you know, as you're in the beginning of that type of process?
00:14:39
Speaker
Okay. For both parties. Yeah. Yeah. um For the surrogate, it's being able to just be present, be open, that this is a really big thing.
00:14:59
Speaker
yeah And know ahead of time that the attended parents may show up like we're talking about in a different way. They may be standoffish, they might be really involved, they might be funny or nervous laughter, which is normal, right?
00:15:19
Speaker
But just being open that, oh, like um having a preconceived expectation can be Challenging because everyone's gonna meet that right and so if the surrogate can be open that I am open to this process and These are big feelings and let me revisit, you know, why am I doing this? What what what was the what led me to this and?
00:15:46
Speaker
um so being really open a that support of either their partner or their community or and letting people know that this is their journey and they're gonna be starting upon that or that type of thing.
00:16:02
Speaker
But being open to and tolerating different emotions is I think the best way to approach it the beginning. Intended parents, it's also so hard, easier said than done, but that emotionally preparing, we chose her, we trust her, we trust the agency.
00:16:26
Speaker
There's many, many eyes on this process, myself included, it are the mental health persons, that we're all on team baby, we're all, you know, we're all here to, again, to have this life come forward, and as much as possible, trust in that, which I know is is a very big thing I'm asking.
00:16:48
Speaker
um Also, being respectful of the surrogate. she She's independent person and she has her life. She usually has children, or maybe young or a little older.
00:17:01
Speaker
um And being respectful in your communication with her. And also, so being able to tolerate things that are gonna happen. Human relationships can be messy.
00:17:13
Speaker
They can be great. They can be all sorts of things. but As long as both parties emotionally prepare for, all right, here we go. And really that intention for all. Yeah. Yeah.
00:17:27
Speaker
You, I mean, you, there's so much there that I just want to unpack because, and that whenever you say, you know, things can happen. i i mean, 100%, can be,
00:17:40
Speaker
so I mean, I feel like that's one of the things, right, that a lot of a lot of people struggle with is kind of that waiting for the other shoe to drop, which makes it, you know, which can make this journey so hard. But exactly to your point, you know,
00:17:54
Speaker
kind of releasing that control in an uncontrollable situation, you know, your surrogate's going to get sick. She didn't mean to, but it's going to happen. Right, exactly.
00:18:06
Speaker
Exactly. Or the snowstorm's going to happen and that OB office is closed and we're not going to be able to get to that appointment, but like, it's going to be okay. Yeah, yeah, exactly. and I will say...
00:18:22
Speaker
I've been privileged to work with many, many people over the years. and Intended parents, um you know they're they're typically very successful people a surrogate. Going through this journey is so hard because you're like, what?
00:18:41
Speaker
you know, in school, if I worked really hard, I got an A. yes I work hard at work, I get a promotion. But with infertility, sorry, it's, it doesn't.
00:18:51
Speaker
It's a roll of the dice. It's a roll of the dice. And yeah nobody's deserving to go through this. It's awful. And if you're same sex couple, I mean, you have to go through this process and it's so hard. And so this is oftentimes their first encounter where, you know,
00:19:11
Speaker
Big picture, this is not in their control yeah at all. And I don't know about you, but I don't like that feeling. no Nope, nope, not my favorite. Not my fave, not my fave. so, you know, little picture, they'll focus on what they can control. sure That is human nature.
00:19:29
Speaker
And it's good, and it also, it's both and, we need to respect that the surrogate, we're trusting her. in her body and her physician and she knows what she's doing.
00:19:43
Speaker
And so it's it's hard. It's like i said, a huge leap of faith, but it's also a beautiful, can be such a beautiful experience that it took all these people you know, yeah to bring this baby into the world. so Oh, gosh, these babies are some of just the most wanted babies ever. I mean, sure. on just that subject of trust.
00:20:07
Speaker
What?
00:20:10
Speaker
go on just that subject of trust what you know, maybe it's communication, like how, what, what are the best ways to kind of build that trust? I love the, the illustration of like, it's, it's kind of like that arranged marriage. I mean, you know each other, you know, as much as you know each other on paper, right. But now all of a sudden it's, we're, we're doing this really intense, as you said, intimate thing simultaneous to like, oh, I like chocolate chip ice cream too.
00:20:40
Speaker
let yeah Exactly. You think about, okay, and in marital counseling or relationship counseling, we think about mood.
00:20:52
Speaker
And I'm like, here's this colossal collision of money. It's very expensive. And then we're also talking about sex, which is, you know, like trying to have a baby and that's not working the old fashioned way or you need assistance. Right.
00:21:11
Speaker
And then we're mucking with hormones. You're like, oh, I can see why this is a perfect storm. Storm, yeah. For emotions, for all sorts of things. But yeah, but with trust, I think it's obviously it's a mutual thing.
00:21:30
Speaker
For the surrogate, I cannot emphasize enough that um show up when you need to show up, communicate, you know, on the other end are these anxious parents to be.
00:21:45
Speaker
And so um communicate. Trust is, when you trust someone, it's like they show up. you, they are relied upon, they're consistent in their communication, that there's not ghosting or, ooh, because then the anxiety creeps up. So be real. Sure. You kind of jump to that like worst conclusion in your head and your brain starts filling in that yeah that story. and Yeah.
00:22:12
Speaker
Right. And and so, you know, at the beginning of the process, I will encourage both parties like It's okay if you agree, let' at the beginning, let's put a little structure around it. let Let's agree to communicate after each appointment or every Friday. or And putting that structure allows both parties to go, okay, because the surrogate might go, oh, i don't want to bother them you know with too much information. And the intended parents can be the same way. So if we put a little structure at the beginning, and then it's going to go in its own natural rhythm.
00:22:49
Speaker
Yeah. Right? When you get to know each other a little bit better. But back to trust, it's it's open communication, it's consistent communication, it's consistent behaviors. We don't want something coming out of left field that, you know, shocking everyone. And and I'm not talking the weather or something else, but it's it's just being consistent. And on the intended parents, same. And and being respectful of her boundaries as well. Like I said earlier, she has a life and you know,
00:23:22
Speaker
you are a big part of it, but you're not the only part of it. Sure. Sure. Yeah. I feel like I hear, you know, there, there's a lot of people who come to this and, you know, we'll ask the question, what kind of relationship, you know, do you want? And, um, Oh, would love friendship and, you know, would love to, they kind of have, wouldn't say expectations, but they have dreams, they desires. And, um, hear a lot of people say would love for it to organically happen.
00:23:52
Speaker
And, I feel like, I think that's fantastic, but I love this idea that you said of, let's start with some structure. Let's let's kind of alleviate this like, yeah will she, won't she, will they, won't they you know kind of situation and put a little bit of structure. And then from there, there's a lot of organic that can happen. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Especially, yeah, at the beginning, because you're like, I don't know, you know? and And I always advise both parties Yes, most want a warm, engaging relationship, and starting that way sounds great. And if a friendship develops on top of that, that's golden, right? But it's not necessarily a requirement, because what if you get into this process you're like, not not my clan, not my people, but I'm thankful, but we we just...
00:24:48
Speaker
thank you and and I want you in my life, but we're not gonna be BFFs, you know? So it's good to just at least start with that open approach and then yes, it will organically evolve.
00:25:01
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. But if you have that base, I feel like of just mutual respect, mutual empathy, just, you know, even if you don't become best friends, exactly to your point, it's just, I'm thankful for you. And that can be enough on both sides.
00:25:15
Speaker
Like that can, yeah.
Role of Community and Support Systems
00:25:17
Speaker
That's fine too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that. so we are lucky enough that you are going to be leading some support groups for gestational carriers with egg donor and surrogate solutions.
00:25:32
Speaker
Yay. Yes. In general, do you believe makes a support group so powerful during a journey? And you kind of already alluded to,
00:25:44
Speaker
you know can't necessarily intended parents and surrogates can't always lean on each other. And you've kind of mentioned what it is to like, you kind of need to have that support system, but I would love to hear kind of just what makes kind of that maybe support group aspects so important.
00:26:01
Speaker
Oh, great question. Great question. and And in the support group, when I lead them, ah one, it's a place, uh, that's safe and there are rules of,
00:26:13
Speaker
You know, what's said here is is Vegas rules. What happens here stays here. Right. right So it's it's that, but again, is simultaneously there needs to be trust in the group, right? yeah How do we develop trust? Well, we do it by having boundaries, by being respectful, but in our conversations,
00:26:37
Speaker
by knowing it's going to stay in the room, if you will. So um having that is helpful. And then being with um other surrogates, yeah because it is a unique role, and not every woman can do this.
00:26:54
Speaker
It's a calling for many and a gift and ah an ability beyond that to be able to do this. So simply having others, even if you don't even say anything in the support group,
00:27:05
Speaker
but you absorb that, oh, I'm not alone in this. So very, very helpful in a support group manner. um What is helpful is hearing others' experiences and journeys because you might be in a situation that you weren't expecting and you're like, what do I do here? Or how do i feel about this? And there might be a surrogate a little bit further in her journey.
00:27:35
Speaker
who can share her own wisdom or you know, you're, it's okay, you've got this. And I especially like that it's led by a professional or a facilitator too, because if you get a group of people, I mean, we can vent and go on and sure then sure, there went the hour and it really was just a venting session and support groups more than that. It's it's being able to hear Whomever wants to share, the facilitator needs to be mindful of, okay, let's let everyone have a chance to talk if they want.
00:28:14
Speaker
No pressure, no pressure to talk. then um kind of being able to find a theme here that, oh, this is this is what where you may all be experiencing right now or not. And so then I also like to end any support group On a positive note, like I want people to leave it feeling better than when they came in. Yeah. Because some some I'll get feedback from clients over the years, they like, oh my God, that support group just drug me down. And we don't want that either.
00:28:50
Speaker
So that's where I think the the surrogate support groups will be, I think, a good experience. Yeah. yeah it's a unique one. So I'm excited. I'm excited to get them started. A hundred percent. so so exciting. Again, you kind of already touched on it. You know, it it is so wonderful to, to be able to speak to others who are kind of going through, you know, something similar.
00:29:25
Speaker
What, you know, why is it so important to connect with others that are going through, you know, that even if your journeys aren't the same, because no journey is. Oh, right.
00:29:40
Speaker
And you might not even be having the same life experiences, but there you have kind of just this one commonality. Why is it so important to be able to have that available to you?
00:29:52
Speaker
ah Well, we humans, we, We don't go at it alone. No, we're not made that way. No matter how hard we try. try. We can be fiercely independent, right? But, but we know that any anything you're going through in life, when you have support,
00:30:12
Speaker
it's just a qualitatively a better experience and yeah I think with this support group again being a surrogate is extremely unique mm-hmm you are pregnant with someone else's baby you move through the world as a pregnant person and you know people make comments and sure you know but do you explain? Do you not? Do you not do this? so it's it's a privilege to be able to do this.
00:30:48
Speaker
And at the same time, you're living your life. yeah you're You're daily going to work, taking care of the kids. And so being in a room full of women who are also that and you're right, each journey is very, very different. and But it there's some comfort knowing, okay,
00:31:09
Speaker
you know, um obviously we all have the common denominator of we wanted to do this when we're on this journey. But I think it is just being with others and then feeling understood.
00:31:23
Speaker
yeah that That is so important in life. Just if it's just one person who understands what you're going through. Good, bad, ugly, but they're there listening. And this support group is also an opportunity to have undivided attention, to pay attention to this part of your life. And you're not being distracted, pulled apart.
00:31:48
Speaker
You get to... just be in it for a moment with others who are also in their journeys of you know being a surrogate. so yeah It can be such a rich experience.
00:32:03
Speaker
It can be, but bottom line is to feel understood and you're not alone. And here is a group that is doing this you very unique, wonderful gift.
00:32:17
Speaker
yeah life yeah no absolutely feel like you know i think a lot of people seek that out but you'll see it there there's there's almost kind of a fear behind you know wanting to share that part of your life or you know oh what if i'm in that group setting and people can see my face so then they know who i am and so You'll see a lot of people instead, they'll you know post anonymous online. And I feel like it kind of leads to exactly what you said. It ends up just being event session and you really don't get anything from it. And it almost becomes toxic in some cases. It can, it can, for sure.
00:32:59
Speaker
Yeah. What would you say to maybe some someone who's kind of on the fence about you know, joining a group, maybe worried about an anonymity, I mean, whatever it may be, what would you maybe say to somebody to encourage someone who is kind of on the fence?
00:33:15
Speaker
That's a great question. Well, you know, we, your agency, myself, we put boundaries around it and confidentiality agreements. So that's step one. There you go. is confidential information. Yeah.
00:33:33
Speaker
And that we need that, right? Because in order to feel vulnerable, I mean, who wants to feel vulnerable? Like, o you know, you have to safe, right? So we're going to put those structures in place um to begin with.
00:33:49
Speaker
But I think it's also come and see. lead the group where you're not required to talk. If yeah you don't feel like it and you just want to absorb, hey, the great.
00:34:02
Speaker
Because for some, trust takes longer to develop. And some are extroverts in this process and going to say everything and everything. And I may need to go, okay, let's go on to the next person, right? Sure, sure, sure. I've got people who are shy or private or introverts. And I get that too. But everyone's welcome at this table and you don't have to participate that first time. There's not going to be pressure.
00:34:30
Speaker
Right. And just, I do want to see your face because this is a community and we want it to be an open community between each other. So, um I would just say, just come check it out. And if you're finding not, not a jam, okay, that's fine.
00:34:51
Speaker
Right. But I really admire your agency is, is wanting to do this. ah Oh, thank you. Yeah. I mean, it's such, I mean, again, going back to kind of what we said in the beginning, it's not just about the calendar and the shots and the medical screening appointment and you know, all of that. This is a emotional journey from the beginning, from before.
00:35:15
Speaker
From, from before when you get selected or maybe you're meeting the intended parents at first of all, it's emotional, right? And yeah so, um,
00:35:27
Speaker
We want to provide that support if it's going swimmingly or if you're finding it's challenging or you didn't see something come up. hu What a great place to be able to talk in a safe place of, oh, I'm going through this.
00:35:44
Speaker
yeah And you know, know you it you're your' being understood. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. I feel like that being understood part is just so important because, again, you know, you get some keyboard crusaders or you you do have your support and you have your your spouse or your friends, but yeah they don't know. They don't fully understand.
00:36:09
Speaker
They love you, but they don't know. Right. They're going to support you the best way. Yeah. But it is a unique, like i said, um thing that you're doing. And it's, ah I think will be a really neat opportunity to share that with others who who get it, who really get it.
00:36:32
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. what What message would you want any gestational carrier or intended parent, you know, to kind of take away when it comes to their mental health during this process?
00:36:51
Speaker
It's being able to check in with yourself and your mental health. We can so easily bypass, you know, oh, I'm all right, or it'll be okay, or sure things like that. But making sure that you do have your support in place before you begin this journey, be it yeah a friend, a family member, a mental health professional, online support, just having that is so essential for both the surrogate as well as the intended parents.
00:37:28
Speaker
And you want to have that ready. And I put it like this, you know, there are people in your life that, um are like in the VIP section.
00:37:40
Speaker
you And those are the people you turn to no matter what life throws at you. yeah And i can envision a little red cord like in a theater. yeah there you good And you want those. um And then we have others in our life and maybe some are out in the mezzanine. I don't know. But it's like the VIP.
00:38:03
Speaker
I want you to have that. if it And it doesn't have to be a lot of people. If it's just one person who is checking in on you. So, so helpful.
00:38:14
Speaker
Like I said, your own mental health. Like, how am I doing today? Mm-hmm. I think a golden question to ask yourself, the surrogate as well as the intended parents throughout the process is, what do I need today?
00:38:27
Speaker
Do I need to cry? do I need to send an emoji to the surrogate? Do i need to get out of my head and go take a walk?
00:38:40
Speaker
yeah But check in, what do I need today? Because this is long, long, long journey, right? And there's many stages, parts and pieces that are moving around. and And so i think it's also helpful for both parties to break it up in stages. Like there is the match phase and then there's going to be, you know, the pre-testing and then the actual transfer and hopefully waiting for pregnancy results, pregnancy, so on and so forth.
00:39:12
Speaker
But within each stage, asking, you know, what do I need emotionally right now? What do i need logistically? Do I need to make that phone call? Do i need to get a massage? Do I need to right? And so it helps to break it up into stages because the idea of finally you know having the baby can feel so far away for for both parties really. And so that can help a lot too.
00:39:41
Speaker
That's such a beautiful, simple question that I feel like I personally can, I mean, I can totally relate to just complicating it. ah It's not, I don't think I asked myself, what do I need today? I think I always think of well, what do I have to do to have to do? Yeah. Yes. Right.
00:39:59
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Yeah. and And that's like the same thing of, um, what, you know, what do I need to do today versus how do I want to be today? Things are totally different. And I get, we do have our to-do list.
00:40:16
Speaker
Sure. But if you start the journey in each each day of, how do I want to be? How do I want to show up within this journey of surrogacy?
00:40:27
Speaker
And that can kind of help ground both parties yeah as they go through it as well. So, yeah. That's a beautiful starting place. that's like a That's a sticky note on your mirror right there. Yeah, but yeah exactly. Coming from, again, you have had the privilege of...
00:40:46
Speaker
coming from you know again you have had the privilege of you know, getting to kind of begin in this industry when it was, you know, not as as talked about. And, yeah you know, you've kind of gotten to watch an evolution.
00:41:03
Speaker
What would you say, kind of maybe what are your hopes as this you know whole industry, just third party keeps evolving when it does come to the mental health piece of this?
00:41:19
Speaker
i I mean, I agree, it's becoming more and more transparent and I love that. I would, my wish would be that each fertility clinic is really mindful of the mental health aspects for all, whomever walks in their door.
00:41:40
Speaker
And some are very good with that and others need to kind of grow it a little bit more, but you know, the mental health, for even their staff, the nurses, they're the front line, right? and are How are they? And getting them trained and are they aware when they see trauma or, you you know, so it starts with fertility clinics. i want to see more of them offer training, they're informed.
00:42:10
Speaker
i would love that, you know, more and more agencies do this type of thing. yeah where it's not in a transactional thing between the surrogate and tended parents.
00:42:25
Speaker
It's so much more than that. And so offering different levels of support, be it support group or however, I think that's great. There I know are more and more mental health professionals that specialize in this area, which I think is a great thing.
00:42:42
Speaker
yeah And getting it normalized, if you will, that You know going through fertility is big thing.
00:42:53
Speaker
And we know from research it's a life crisis for yeah emotionally, right? Yeah. But different than other life crises, it's suspended up in air. It's not resolved yet.
00:43:05
Speaker
So it's it's a different type of thing. And so um just being aware and having the public more and more educated
Future of Mental Health Support in Fertility
00:43:15
Speaker
obviously mental health, my advocacy around that.
00:43:20
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Oh gosh. That's the dream. That's the dream. I feel like we're heading there slowly, but surely. I think we're heading there. We're getting there. We're doing our part, right?
00:43:33
Speaker
Absolutely. Maybe for someone who is just just beginning to explore you know either it's an intended parent who's kind of just gotten their news that hey you're going to need to look at different avenues or it's a woman who's thinking about wanting to be a surrogate or a donor what would maybe be your one piece of advice that you would want to give them if you had to take it down to one one okay ah for um for the donor and surrogate i would want them to really sit with
00:44:08
Speaker
what oh Why do I want to do this? yeah What's your why? What's my why? like What is it? And really sit with that and revisit that.
00:44:20
Speaker
And it it often speaks to the woman, you know, and i know I do want to do this. And it's so helpful to have clarity on that because when it gets challenging or difficult,
00:44:34
Speaker
or this isn't what I expected, then you can return to, no, no, wait, why did I do this? yeah And it can change your perception, right? So that's for them. For the intended parents,
00:44:50
Speaker
oh gosh, it's hard to put down into one thing, but allowing yourself to grieve oh before you take this step.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yeah. Be it using a donor or a surrogate. Recognize, recognize this was, was and is a loss. And it's okay to, to sit with that, be with that, own that so that we can integrate that before you embark upon this because it's, it's big.
00:45:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that that applies. i think whenever people think of you know grief, feel like a lot of times you're thinking about like a heterosexual couple who's gone through infertility and all of that. But I feel like that that idea of grief applies to everyone.
00:45:45
Speaker
it It does. It does. it i mean, same-sex couple, you love who you love, but you're missing some ingredients. Yeah. Yeah. so You have to grieve that, that you you will not have that full genetic connection to the child that you thought.
00:46:05
Speaker
yeah A single individual. Well, you know, you're grieving. Most or will tell me, you know, I didn't think I'd be single going through this. But the desire to have a baby really strong. And yeah so I'm going to create my family in this way. But you're right. There's still grief around that.
00:46:26
Speaker
And I'm not saying you stay in the grief all the time. It's just honoring it, recognizing it. Yeah. Before you begin. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. for sure. it's That's so, so important. I think yeah that, yeah, that's absolutely, absolutely beautiful.
00:46:43
Speaker
You're so right. So my last question to you, Allison, and and it's a fun one. um for you've seen me You've seen me sipping on coffee this whole time.
00:46:55
Speaker
I have a very codependent relationship with her. Coffee and i are very good friends. And I always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today? And I know it's early, but, you know, we've we've still had a morning, right? what So what has filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what's been the thing that has brought you some joy today?
00:47:22
Speaker
ah What a great question to end on.
00:47:26
Speaker
I am here in Colorado, and what filled my cup is I woke up. And I went for a long walk the and the birds are out. It's just now springing, spring.
00:47:41
Speaker
And the sun was coming up and just being in nature grounds me. I was like, oh, you know, that it's, it's just, it makes me realize, you know, I'm connected to much bigger thing. Right. And so,
00:47:58
Speaker
Loved, loved, loved that. Yeah. Yeah. And knew I'd be doing this today. And i was like, oh, yeah, this is, bring it on. Oh, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. So that was what filled my cup this morning.
00:48:12
Speaker
That's beautiful. That's a, that's very different from the concrete jungle here in Houston. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
Conclusion and Community Engagement
00:48:20
Speaker
I know you still have special place in your heart for Houston, but yeah. I do. I do.
00:48:25
Speaker
Oh my gosh, Alison, thank you so much for doing this. And just, you I mean, I, I always say, I'm like, Alison's voice is like a hug. I just, I so appreciate just your, your words of wisdom and, and sharing, you know, just again, this important, important piece of just what this journey is. Um, and so thank you so, so, so much. And I'm so excited that you're going to be leading these support thank you Thank you for having me. it's It's been an honor. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who.
00:49:03
Speaker
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00:49:16
Speaker
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00:49:29
Speaker
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00:49:52
Speaker
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00:50:09
Speaker
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