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S3E18 Who?! From Heartbreak to Baby Hawk: Ashley's Journey through Infertility & Surrogacy
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Summary
In this heartfelt episode, Ashley Harris takes us on her deeply personal journey through infertility, adoption, and surrogacy. Starting with her childhood dreams of adopting, Ashley shares how the years brought both unexpected joys and painful struggles. After multiple failed IUIs and IVF cycles, compounded by the emotional toll of miscarriages, Ashley and her husband decided to explore surrogacy. This life-changing decision led to the birth of their son, Hawk. Through the ups and downs, Ashley reveals the crucial role of community support, the intertwining of grief and gratitude, and how her faith evolved as she faced and overcame these challenges.
Takeaways
-Ashley and her husband faced infertility after years of trying to conceive.
-The decision to pursue surrogacy came after multiple failed IVF attempts.
-Ashley emphasizes the importance of community and support during infertility.
-The emotional toll of miscarriages and chemical pregnancies was significant.
-Faith played a crucial role in Ashley's journey, evolving through trials.
-The relationship with their surrogate, Christine, was built on trust and gratitude.
-The birth of their son, Hawk, was a culmination of years of struggle and hope.
-Ashley continues to grieve the losses they experienced along the way.
-Celebrating motherhood comes with acknowledging the hardships faced.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Ashley's Journey to Parenthood
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone. on today's episode, we get to hear from Ashley, an intended mother who shares her powerful and deeply personal story of navigating a desire to adopt, but a call that led her on her own journey as she struggled with infertility and ultimately chose the path to surrogacy.
00:00:20
Speaker
In this episode, Ashley opens up about the emotional highs and lows of her journey through failed fertility treatments, miscarriage heartbreaks, and the decision to pursue surrogacy, which led her to the arrival of her beautiful son, Hawk.
00:00:34
Speaker
Join us as Ashley reflects on the support of her community, the complexity of balancing grief and gratitude, and how her faith evolved during one of the most challenging seasons of her life.
00:00:47
Speaker
Me, you, and who? Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic.
Introduction to Whitney Hall and Surrogacy Insights
00:00:57
Speaker
This podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways.
00:01:06
Speaker
My name is Whitney Hall. and I am a two time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions. the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families.
00:01:21
Speaker
With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:01:42
Speaker
Hi, Ashley. I'm so glad you're here. ah Thank you. Happy to be here. So I want to just, I am so excited to just hear you and get to know you more and your story. But tell me, how did we even get here? How did like surrogacy come into your world
Adoption and Family Influences
00:02:02
Speaker
at all? Tell me all the things.
00:02:05
Speaker
So, yeah, our story started ah long time ago. my husband and i got married in 2011. So we've been married now 13 years. Congratulations. We actually met in eighth grade.
00:02:17
Speaker
as cute. Yeah, at the tween dance club. So if your eighth grader ever comes home and says that they met their partner for life, they could be right.
00:02:29
Speaker
They could be right. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, so I guess, you know, we had a very big full life. We got married really young, right? 23 years old.
00:02:46
Speaker
um Kids were something we both always wanted, but we're not on the radar like anytime soon. Yeah. So we lived we lived in LA at that time. we got were We're both from Houston, but we um my husband was living out in LA and I had moved there. And so we came back to Houston, got married, went back to LA and then started our life. And at that time, um i actually wanted to adopt kids. And that's something that I had decided when I was like a little girl. It's
00:03:19
Speaker
kind of a long thing, but Basically, it was on your heart. Yeah. um Yeah. My mom struggled with infertility and she told me about that since I was young, just about like how awful that experience was and how difficult it was. And so I saw like I could clearly see as a child the pain it had caused my mom.
00:03:43
Speaker
So I think in my little girl brain, I decided, you know, I'm going to avoid that pain by adopting. oh And I had cousins who were adopted. So I saw it, like I saw the value and the beauty and like growing your family in that way.
00:03:59
Speaker
so that was something I had thought I wanted from a very early age. Like when I, you know, would tell my friends, my like husband, like, hey, I'm going to adopt kids. So like, are you cool with that?
00:04:11
Speaker
Yeah. And I think he was like, well, you're the one who would be carrying our biological kids. And so, you know, that's if that's what you feel called to do, like I'm on board. But I think Jason always did want um biological kids, but also was like open to other ways of growing our family.
00:04:33
Speaker
So anyways, and
00:04:38
Speaker
we you know, entered into life thinking that was going to be our plan. And so for years, it it was just us like having fun. um My husband's a musician, so he did a lot of touring. And it was just like I was hanging out with my girlfriends for, i mean, years before we ever our kids were really on our radar.
00:04:56
Speaker
So then it started getting like to the point where we were like, maybe after we were married, like seven, eight years, uh, seven years, probably it was like, okay, well, I think we're going to look into ah the steps for
Spiritual Experiences and Desire for Biological Children
00:05:12
Speaker
adoption.
00:05:12
Speaker
so went yeah So we went to like one of those seminars where they talked about private infant adoption. We even started taking the first steps to become um involved in the foster system in LA. And and
00:05:30
Speaker
it so that's where we were at that time. My husband was out on the road. i was visiting my baby godson in San Diego at my cousin's house, staying there.
00:05:42
Speaker
And um so I'm going to get into the part where how but having biological kids like entered our world. Your realm. Yeah. Yes. Because we were at this point, we are on the road of adoption. Nothing has changed our mind.
00:05:56
Speaker
You know, you've had that You're kind of protecting that little girl, it sounds like, as far as just hearing that experience, you know, from your mom. And to to go back just a touch, when you were a little girl and you're kind of hearing this from your mom, obviously you were born. So her infertility journey yeah had a had a happy ending, a yeah a different type of happy ending.
00:06:19
Speaker
Yeah. How did you, like as ah as a child, did you ever kind of get into that with her? Like, tell me more, mom. Or were you just kind of like,
00:06:31
Speaker
this is just her story and I'm gonna. Yeah. I mean i know I know the story. i you know She tried for many years. They had, I think a total of like five miscarriages oh before I was born.
00:06:44
Speaker
ah But then she went on to have me and then my sister two years later and then eight years later, my brother. so it and it was kind And I had many women in my family who actually struggled struggled with unexplained infertility.
00:06:56
Speaker
um So it wasn't like that uncommon. um As I started getting older and I had, you know, cousins and um other people that struggled with it. So, i you know, I didn't talk to my mom about it that much when I was a child, but it was a big part of her story, a big part of her faith journey, um you know, going through all that. So I think, you know, later in therapy, I figured out that, yeah, I was protecting myself. I was like, how do I not like this was clearly very traumatic and very ah excruciating for my mom.
00:07:31
Speaker
How do I avoid that in myself? And you're witnessing it over and over and over again, too, with, you know, other members of your family. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
00:07:41
Speaker
So, um and the funny thing, I mean, adoption is not a painless journey, right? No. um So, you know, I think as a kid, it's just, ah but but I, yeah, like I said, I had cousins that were adopted. So I saw like the beauty and the value in growing your family that way. And I and i was like, that's, it's admirable. It's like,
00:08:03
Speaker
Um, I don't know. I just felt to my heart that that's what I wanted for yeah of reasons. So, um but you're in San Diego, you're visiting your sweet little baby. Yes. I'm visited visiting my godson. Yeah. And then, um, so I don't know. I, I go to sleep. I'm there by myself. My husband's out on the road. I go to sleep. I like can't sleep. I'm very restless and anxious and like pacing in this room. And, um,
00:08:31
Speaker
I have this like experience that's very, very intense. um I don't know that I've had anything like it since, but you know whether you think it was God, the universe, destiny, whatever, for me, it's the Holy Spirit spoke to me um through me like writing a poem, which I had never, ever written a poem. I'd never written anything. I thought poetry was for losers, to be honest.
00:08:56
Speaker
um
00:08:59
Speaker
um So the Holy Spirit spoke to me through me writing a poem. And I was like, what just happened to me? It was a very much like word vomit experience where I was like, whoa, that that was it just just felt not um earthly, like ah out of out of body. I don't know.
00:09:19
Speaker
But anyways, um so I read through what I had just written and I was like, oh, my gosh, this is about childbirth. Oh, wow.
00:09:31
Speaker
Yeah. And it it wasn't um so explicit where if you didn't know what was going on in my head, you may not read it and think, oh, that's about childbirth. But it was about something like big change, big. So when I read it, I knew that it was about it was it was a message that I felt like I was supposed that God was saying that he wanted me to try to have biological children.
00:09:54
Speaker
So. I was very confused, very angry after that and because I was like, I had a plan that involved me not getting hurt and me not having to go through but my mom went through and involved, ah you know, a very admirable way to grow your family. Like, why would you? And so I was very, you know, I called my husband and I told him what happened and he was like, you wrote a poem. Like that was like, he was really caught up on that.
00:10:23
Speaker
And just kind of was in shock, but I think he realized the weight of what had just happened to us um or to me. And so he was like, you know, supportive, but like, let's just debrief when I get home. So yeah, I mean, I was grieving. i was, I was angry because I felt like kind so confused. Like, why would you tell me since I was a little girl to adopt kids and then drop this bomb in my life?
00:10:52
Speaker
where there's already not that many people in the world who are open to adoption. And I was also angry that he changed my mind, if you will. Like, um I was like, there's already so many people trying to have bio kids. Why can't I be one of the people who want to adopt one of the kids in the world who need a forever family? So I was very angry at God, but, and also just confused.
00:11:14
Speaker
So then my husband gets home And we kind of just sit in it and I'm not ready to
Challenges with Infertility Treatments
00:11:23
Speaker
talk about it. So then probably almost a year goes by of me like marinating in this and thinking about it. And, um, and he just doesn't really say anything. Like at this point, we're like probably 30 years old.
00:11:37
Speaker
Um, and then we go on a vacation and I like have too much wine one night. As all good conversations start. Yes. Right. And we're talking and I, and i say Jason, i think I want to have biological kids. And he's like, I know me too. i was just waiting for you to tell me I was waiting for you to be ready.
00:12:02
Speaker
So, um, At any point in time during this, because it's so, I mean, it sounds like you would just kind of resigned yourself to the fact that this was just going to be difficult. Did you ever think it wasn't?
00:12:14
Speaker
Or did you kind of already know, no, this is going to be a long road. I just know it.
00:12:22
Speaker
I don't necessarily think I knew it was going to be a long road. That was my biggest fear for sure. My biggest fear was becoming one of these women who wanted to have a baby so bad and couldn't. I mean, to be honest, like,
00:12:37
Speaker
i I was like almost ashamed to want it so bad and not have it. Cause I just thought like, there's more to life than having a baby. Like we have a very full life, but at the same time, I wanted it more than anything in the world. Yeah.
00:12:51
Speaker
You know, does that make sense? Like I didn't, I didn't want to be that woman. ah but low key, I think in my heart, like that's what I wanted more than anything. Yeah, for sure. Well, again, you were, you you were protecting, you were protecting yourself.
00:13:07
Speaker
ah Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. So sweet Jason waited for a year. Yeah. a good, a good wine conversation. Yes. And he was all, you know, he was always like, you have, your body has to do it. So it's you know, i oh good man I want what you want. Yeah. Yeah.
00:13:27
Speaker
ah so but yeah, we had that conversation. he's like, me too. I was just waiting like for you to tell me, cause I knew like, that's what you wanted to. So, and I was kind of waiting for you to be ready. So then it became like, we're ready. So then we start trying and, you know, part of me did think it would just happen right away. Like that God would be like, ha ha, see, it's not so hard. And, i remember I had a girl's trip planned to New York and I was like,
00:13:56
Speaker
Gosh, I really, and it was like six months away. And I said, oh, I don't want to get pregnant before New York because I want to like be able to go out and party with the girls. Yeah. So I thought, but if it doesn't happen, like I'm going to start getting kind of antsy when I get home from New York and then if it hasn't happened.
00:14:10
Speaker
So New York comes and goes, hasn't happened. And then I start. getting like, okay, I'm ready. Like let's, let's okay. It needs to happen. It needs to happen. Um, and so after about nine months of it not happening, I went to the doctor. I went to see the gynecologist because I knew unexplained infertility runs in my family.
00:14:30
Speaker
By this point, I think I was like, uh, freshly 31 years old, maybe. Um, And so I wasn't like considered geriatric or whatever. Which is just the meanest word. I know, it's the word.
00:14:47
Speaker
I know. I know. But I'm like a very physically fit, healthy person. And I go to the doctor and they do some tests and they're like, your body looks, everything looks perfect. Everything looks great. This shouldn't be hard.
00:15:00
Speaker
yeah So then um it still doesn't happen. So I asked to see a reproductive and endocrinologist. So we see the RE and um we start with, I think like a medicated cycle and then that didn't work. And then, so we move on to IUI.
00:15:17
Speaker
the turkey baster method for those of you who are not familiar. And ah the reproductive endocrinologist, you know,
00:15:28
Speaker
again, like is does like a sperm analysis and tells Jason, like your sperm's amazing. Yours, your sperm is so what a compliment. Yes. Like, and Jason's like getting a kick out of it. And they're like, oh yeah, you're look at all these beautiful follicles. Look at this beautiful sperm. You guys are going to have multiples. Like, you know, and we really thought like to this point in my life, I had been like, Hey, when I want something, I work at it and I get it.
00:15:53
Speaker
And I am a ah high achiever. And so I thought like, I'm going to just achieve this. I'm going to nail it. You know, ah we had two like young, healthy bodies. Everything's working perfectly. so Perfect sperm, perfect eggs, whatever.
00:16:08
Speaker
So we then go through five failed IUIs. o So this is when things like, I guess, spiritually, all of it just start to really get messy because I'm like,
00:16:21
Speaker
Like, God, you did this. You told me this. why Why did you tell me this only to make only to make me suffer? Yeah. like And go through this, you know, torture of of wanting this so bad and not being able to get it.
00:16:38
Speaker
how are you How are you navigating? Because, I mean, you you had, I mean, in your words, you had grieved this idea, this original idea of how you were going to grow your family. Now you're, okay, let's do it.
00:16:52
Speaker
it doesn't go kind of the quote typical way. And so now we are having to start having these appointments and things like that. What was kind of your mind like during that, especially knowing the family history and then knowing where you came from that this idea, like you had been you had been wanting to avoid this the whole time?
00:17:18
Speaker
I think... Yeah, I think I was just,
00:17:27
Speaker
I mean, I was terrified. i was terrified that my worst fear was gonna come true. Which was, you know, wanting this so bad and not having it be an easy road. And so, um
00:17:47
Speaker
yeah, I mean, I think I was just,
00:17:52
Speaker
I was scared, but, you know, I trusted God and I, but I was also confused. Yeah. I don't know. I think I was, the main words were, or the main themes that come to mind are terrified and confused.
00:18:06
Speaker
Yeah. But also you just keep taking, you keep doing what feels right next. And once you get your mindset on this, like if this is what you want, there oftentimes is no off switch and people, you know, there, it's just like a,
00:18:23
Speaker
biological pedal to the metal drive within your body that i i don't even know like what i went through like what we will go through to get this is it's just astonishing you know yeah absolutely absolutely so everything's starting to unfold essentially your worst fears are are basically coming true and yet you continue, you're, you're like, I've got to move forward. We're, we're on this train. We're moving. Exactly. yeah You just keep putting one foot in front the other. And, you know, so then we do IVF. We did our first round of, or we switched doctors, um, because the doctor who did our IUIs was terrible. I did not like her, uh, did not have good feelings.
00:19:15
Speaker
So anyways, we switched to a different, like bigger, more reputable, ah reproductive endocrinologist organ like group in l LA.
00:19:26
Speaker
So, which is super important when you're going through something like this is you need to trust and believe in the team that you're building around you. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And, um, you know, my kind of, um, default mode is like,
00:19:44
Speaker
maybe over-research, over-analyze, over-think. So I went into this, like, I don't want to be like that. So I actually didn't, you know, I'm a nurse practitioner.
00:19:55
Speaker
Right. I take care of like seniors primarily. And so I never liked women's health. I never liked like OB class, never liked any of it. I was like, I do not want to do women's health. That is sounds the least appealing to me.
00:20:12
Speaker
So my knowledge, although it was basic because of school, was oh sure I didn't have any experience in that. Like I took a class in nursing school and a rotation and i was like, yeah, no, check the box done. So, you know, I really um didn't want to become like this psycho woman who was like obsessed with getting pregnant. So I kind of just let it happen to me. You know, I didn't, I didn't educate myself as much as I should have. I didn't.
00:20:41
Speaker
ask as many questions, but I also was like, at some point you just have to like trust. I am going to choose to trust the doctor and not try to figure everything out myself. If that makes sense. Like I didn't want to become so stressed and caught up in everything.
00:20:58
Speaker
So I was just kind of like, I'm just going to move forward. And, um, and I don't think like the way I went about it was wrong. It's just kind of funny. Cause it's not my personality. but Well, I think it's so easy to, you you can, you can kind of go down the rabbit hole of Dr. Google and Dr. Facebook and asking everybody. And, you know, if you're looking for an answer, like you're, it's out there, you'll find it on the internet for sure. But it's, you know, you've got about 30 different answers to the same question and they're all different.
00:21:32
Speaker
So it can be really hard and overwhelming. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So we went we went into IVF, um we did one round, we made, had we ended up with six beautiful, healthy, high grade embryos, which is like more than most people can ever ask for.
00:21:51
Speaker
So again, though, made it more confusing when things continue to not work out, right? Because it's like, we're young, we're healthy, we have beautiful eggs and sperm, beautiful embryos. Okay, so what's the problem, right? Like all of the tests come back normal, everything looks great.
00:22:08
Speaker
Um, so we make these ah amazing embryos and we're like, okay, this is it. Like we are going to, and we were, we felt committed to, um either using all our embryos personally, or we had planned to donate if we had any extra, like we were, that was our plan, um, for our embryos. And so we really thought like, I mean, we were like,
00:22:32
Speaker
Oh my gosh. Okay. Maybe, maybe we can have four of them and then we'll donate the other two. And we were like talking through what it would look like to have like someone raising our DNA on the other side of the country. Like, you know, we really thought this was going to go great and that we would end up with probably needing to have four children to give the embryos, like give us the a chance to as many embryos as possible. Cause we really believed it was all going to be great. And we were going to have this big family.
00:23:00
Speaker
So, um,
00:23:03
Speaker
Yeah. Then we did our first embryo transfer and it ended. So I, they called, they said, you have a positive pregnancy test. And I was like, what?
00:23:15
Speaker
I mean, i I, was in shock, but I also was like, okay, yes. But they were like, this is the first positive pregnancy test we've ever had. The first and only positive pregnancy test I have ever had.
00:23:26
Speaker
Yes. And so, um, They said, you know, your, your beta HCG number is a little on the lower side, but it's within normal. And we're going to recheck it in like two days. Yeah. then they recheck it and it got a little higher, but not much. And they're like, okay, well, sometimes the embryo just has trouble implanting.
00:23:48
Speaker
We're going to check it again in another two days. So, you know, it just kind of basically, eventually was a chemical pregnancy. It just didn't continue to rise. and I, went in for an ultrasound and they, they could like kind of see something. They were like, okay, sometimes this happens or it can still survive, but, um, it didn't, he, he didn't.
00:24:08
Speaker
And so, um, we had five male embryos and one female, and and we were using them in order of like healthiest to, sure you know, highest grade to least grade. yeah Um, so yeah, we, um, like then miscarried my chemical pregnancy, I guess is the,
00:24:28
Speaker
the term, but, um, you know, it was devastating. It was like very, again, just confusing. And it was just so brutal. Like then what followed even just what went on after that. But, um, yeah, so, you know, that was kind of our,
00:24:54
Speaker
you, you get to the point where something like that happens, but then the doctor said, Well, a lot of times after a chemical pregnancy that shows your body can get pregnant. And so we have a lot of luck after chemical pregnancies with the like subsequent embryo.
00:25:09
Speaker
So we're like, okay, cool. This is going to happen. This is it. So then we went on, um you know, however many months later, and I think COVID had hit by this point. um So there was just more protocols, but then we went on to transfer our second one.
00:25:26
Speaker
And that was just, it it didn't work. It was like a flat no. So, um, then we had been talking about moving to Austin, um, from l LA for many years. Like at this point we had been married, I don't know, like 10 years probably.
00:25:44
Speaker
And, um, had been always talking about moving Austin. And so finally we were like, it's time we're going Austin. So we moved to Austin and we moved our embryos with us.
00:25:56
Speaker
At this point we had four embryos left and um yeah, we went to Austin and we got plugged in with a new fertility place. So by now this is our fourth doctor, cause we had the gynecologist who did my initial tests, the doctor who did my IUIs that I did not like, my group in l LA, which I liked and now, but we didn't have success with it obviously.
00:26:22
Speaker
And now um the new place in Austin. So um I had an ERA, you know, the endometrial receptor test to basically figure out if perhaps we were transferring the embryo on a day that like my body wasn't as primed, which I think there's still, don't, I'm not sure like how scientifically backed ERAs really are.
00:26:52
Speaker
But anyways, we got a date. Yeah. Lots of schools have thought and on all of the Exactly. Exactly. But like when you're at that point, you're like, try anything. I don't care. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So they did the a ERA and they're like, oh, well, you're we've been transferring a day too late or whatever it was, a day too early. don't remember. And all we need to do is just give it one more day.
00:27:17
Speaker
Wow. Right. I'm like, oh, right. This is the reason that we have this is done working. Exactly. So, um, and at this point too, I had like started acupuncture and I'd like, you know, really, really cleaned up my diet. I'm like gluten-free, whatever, like all like just avoiding. No more wine.
00:27:37
Speaker
No more. yeah yeah Yeah. Just being like so, so healthy, even though I already was a healthy person. right um and And I'm like doing yoga. i like stopped doing CrossFit because it was like, maybe it's maybe I'm too doing too high impact of exercise.
00:27:53
Speaker
I'm like going to do low impact and keep my stress levels down. And like anyways, all the things. So um then we did our third embryo transfer.
00:28:05
Speaker
which was also, so at this point we had lost two boys, this third boy, and we did our third embryo transfer and it didn't work. It was just a totally negative test again.
00:28:17
Speaker
So, you know, at this point I'm very, I mean, my faith is like a house of cards that has fallen and i still am like hanging on by a thread to my beliefs, but I am just like, and I'm writing a lot of poetry by this point too.
00:28:35
Speaker
she She's a complete loser at this point and is totally a poet now. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, totally. I mean, i infertility has changed like the core of who I am so much so dramatically. It's, it's quite like, I don't know. It's incredible, but I'm writing a lot of ah poetry to like cope with my pain and to just also deal with the confusion and,
00:29:03
Speaker
Questions I have like for God, about God, all of it. So um yeah, then we do our, we did, so then we went into our fourth embryo transfer.
00:29:17
Speaker
And by this time, I'm like, I got to cut back at
Transition to Surrogacy
00:29:21
Speaker
work. My job's too stressful. So I cut back my hours and I am just like, you know, the healthiest person. And I'm like, I'm going to just achieve this. Okay. I'm going to fix everything. I'm going to take up.
00:29:33
Speaker
like going to acupuncture all the time. I mean, spent tens of thousands of thousands of dollars just on making my body a perfect temple. I'm like visualizing the embryo implanting. I'm like doing the meditation of like manifesting. I'm like, it's happening.
00:29:51
Speaker
Yeah. So, um, then it, you know, and people would say things like only when you really give it to God or only when you stop wanting it so bad or let it go, then it'll happen.
00:30:05
Speaker
so i yeah, those platitudes, yeah such a wonderful whole place. And yet when you're in the midst of it and yet,
00:30:16
Speaker
Um, so I tried to do all those things, like really just surrender, you know? And, um, so when that fourth one didn't happen, i mean, and by this point, like I'm a, I'm a very happy, joyful person, but I was on, i had to get on antidepressants for like, I think a year because I was weeping every day, driving to work.
00:30:44
Speaker
I was just, I was suffering. I really was suffering. Yeah. And um
00:30:55
Speaker
it's just, even now, so hard to Well, so much was happening. It was your biggest fear coming to reality. Yeah. so um So then the fourth one doesn't work.
00:31:09
Speaker
And um yeah, it was just... hell but i called my husband and i'm like i think he was out on the road again and i'm like i want a dog i have a lot of maternal energy and i want a great dane and i want a great day like tomorrow and i want like the biggest dog they buy just to like swallow me with love and i can give all of my parenting energy to this puppy um we got we got a puppy and it was so healing and so wonderful
00:31:43
Speaker
you know, love write and yes I recommend if you're struggling with infertility, getting a puppy does help. Uh, it does. so ah Yeah. It doesn't fix everything or heal you, but it helps a lot.
00:31:57
Speaker
So, um, yeah, then we got a puppy and I put all my maternal energy and I was like the best dog mom. And, um, by this point I was,
00:32:11
Speaker
I just knew i was done. you know i had done like absolutely everything my body could possibly do and my soul. like i was I could not take anymore um to try to get this. So that's when I knew that we needed to switch to surrogacy. And it's something we had thought about even before And after our third failure, our doctor was like, I think, oh, and during that time I had like, but before our fourth, I had a hysteroscopy to like explore, they removed polyps. So I thought, oh, the polyps, that's what's wrong.
00:32:49
Speaker
um I changed doctors again within my group because I wasn't super in love with the first one. So this is now my fifth doctor and um with the fourth transfer. So yeah.
00:33:03
Speaker
Anyways, I don't remember where I was. Well, that that's.
00:33:09
Speaker
I feel like that. I mean, you're already on a difficult journey and it seems like with every single point there was just this. It's like, oh, it's just this one thing and it's this one and it just keeps you hoping and keeps you going.
00:33:23
Speaker
And then it's devastating every time. Yeah. And now you're like, okay, so we're, I mean, we are still on the path of biological children. We still have these, these two embryos. Surrogacy is now, is now the talk.
00:33:39
Speaker
How are you and Jason navigating switching from knowing you're done? You have reached your limit. You've done everything you possibly can physically, emotionally do.
00:33:50
Speaker
How are you guys navigating all of a sudden that switch? Did it feel, was it a relief? Was it even more scary? Like what, what was that? No, it was a relief. It was like a huge relief. um And I think probably for Jason too, because, you know, he was suffering too.
00:34:09
Speaker
And a lot of his suffering was like watching his wife suffer. And, you know, he wanted this too, but I don't think, you know, he, he, it didn't hurt him. Like it hurt me.
00:34:25
Speaker
And so i think when I've said, I got like, really, I can't do it. Like my body's so done. so He, I think we both felt relief. um And you know, like I wasn't, I had peace about it. Like i I wasn't angry at my body. I was like, my body's incredible. Like i I can do amazing things. I, I really can. And like what I, i don't feel like I never felt like a shame that I couldn't do it.
00:34:54
Speaker
or that i couldn't like carry. I felt like I wanted to, you know, like I wished I could have, I wish my body could have done it, but like i had a lot of g grace and love, um, for my body. And so, yeah, it just seemed like the right easy next step forward. That was like, and once I officially was like, oh my gosh, I can be done.
00:35:21
Speaker
um I was able to just, I don't know, be kind of myself again, like get off all, like get off antidepressants. And um just I just felt like me, you know, and because the past four years had been taken over by like constant hormones and, you know, just that what it does to your body, all those treatments, like the weight gain, the mental,
00:35:51
Speaker
turmoil, the, I mean, just all of it. Like it's, it's a lot. So, um, yeah, I just felt like I could, I was more myself again. And it was a huge relief to officially know I was done and that I had given it like all I could give it and I had nothing left to give. And that was okay.
00:36:10
Speaker
yeah So, yeah, so then um I was attending at some point I was attending a a free infertility support group with resolve the agency resolve and they said somebody in that group suggested fertility rally and I got plugged in.
00:36:25
Speaker
This was actually prior to my fourth transfer, I think, and it got plugged in at fertility rally like support group, which has amazing resources and amazing groups that meet weekly for women struggling through this stuff.
00:36:39
Speaker
And, um, infertility was so lonely. It was so brutally lonely for so long until i got plugged in and in that group. Um, but yeah, so then through, i don't know, through some woman in that group knew someone who had used, uh, you guys as agency.
00:36:58
Speaker
And so that's how, like, I was given three agencies that were like, uh, you know, worked with but families in Austin and I briefly interviewed them. But by then I was so tired and so just done with all of it. Like the interviewing that, like I had no brain space left for sure this.
00:37:19
Speaker
um I was so dead, like at a point of desperation that it it just like um egg donor and surrogacy solutions was such an easy, like fit that it it felt like right away, like, okay, this is the right one.
00:37:36
Speaker
And then from there, like just after everything going wrong for four years, from the moment we met from the moment we like got with the agency. And then when we matched with Christine, our surrogate, like everything just went so smooth and had night and day different. Yeah. It's really, really, really bizarre.
00:37:57
Speaker
Um, how it all went down and just what a different ah experience it was, you know, once, once I could finally be done. Hmm.
00:38:08
Speaker
So as you're kind of, okay, you have this relief that we're done. Now we're on this new road. What was that? like I mean, it sounds, obviously it was night and day difference. Everything went so smooth. How was it whenever you were going through that matching process?
00:38:26
Speaker
When you, like, when you first met Christine, what was that like being in that position versus where you had come from? Um, I think, you know, there's this,
00:38:42
Speaker
you kind of expect, like, we potentially are going to wait a really long time for a match. And I think it happened in like, just under three months or something. Like it was pretty quick. And so it was just like this crazy excitement and doesn't like, is this real? Like we really, someone really wants to have our baby, like, like really, like there's people who want to
Building a Relationship with the Surrogate
00:39:03
Speaker
do that. Like, and after I had been through what I have been through, I was like, why would anyone volunteer for this process? You know, like truly it's crazy.
00:39:13
Speaker
um But so we, we did the whole awkward, like first date thing. Right. The blind date where everybody talks about it. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And so we're in there with Christine and James, her husband, and it just feels really natural. Like right off the bat where it's like,
00:39:31
Speaker
it just felt like easy and they, we liked them, you know, and ah it for as awkward as like the situation was, they just made it easy. And so we felt obviously like so thankful that that A, she would do this, B, she would pick us. um Yeah, that she was willing to, and so we always had it like in our head, this frame of mind of like,
00:40:01
Speaker
It's her body, you know, she's doing this for us, but i need to, to value her autonomy as a person and what she is willing to put her body through, you know, like having been, I just had a different perspective having been through and what I had been through.
00:40:17
Speaker
If that makes sense. Yeah. Um, anyways, it, I just was, we were so grateful. Hmm. When, okay, so you have your, you know, in the matching process, you get to have, you know, the the the awkward blind date, and then everybody kind of decides to move forward and everything. When did you guys meet in person, and how was that?
00:40:38
Speaker
So the first time we met in person was when she came down for medical clearance. Yeah. So her and her husband came to Austin, and, you know, it's like a little bit of awkwardness, like,
00:40:49
Speaker
So you're going have our baby. Nice to meet you. ah Yeah. But you know, like she's just so steady. She's, she's so, i don't know. The word that always comes to mind is just steady, you know, like, I love that word. Yeah. And I, I, I think I felt so unsteady for so long.
00:41:10
Speaker
And even through this, she was so grounding and like peaceful. And it just felt like, um,
00:41:20
Speaker
It felt like like i just felt I had so much confidence in her from the beginning. Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful.
00:41:32
Speaker
did you You had so much confidence, and it sounds like so much trust in that study overall. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did have a lot of trust. And it just felt like I think I just had – a piece
00:41:53
Speaker
that I never quite felt with when it was me trying to do this. Um, it was part of like, you know, i'm kind of a control freak. And the thing about fertility is like the amount of work you put in does not equal what comes out.
00:42:08
Speaker
Yeah. And that's really hard pill to swallow for high achieving person. sure And, um, Yeah. So i I did have a lot of trust.
00:42:21
Speaker
And, um, so we met like at a ah medical clearance and everything just went well. We did the site clearance, um, the lawyers, you know, there was like a little bit of back and forth with the lawyers, but other than that, the whole process was quite smooth.
00:42:44
Speaker
And then she, um, we did the, she came back again for the transfer when it was time after we were cleared. and And, um, you know, we got to hang with her and James and I feel like she was so cute. Like she had like the pineapple socks yeah and like the the board that was like transfer day like and this, and I had to remind myself like, Oh my gosh, she's not jaded like me.
00:43:16
Speaker
And I, I kind of was like, how charming that she thinks this is actually going to work. Like she doesn't know that when Jason and I have tried to have a baby, it ends in pain and pain. And the answer is no.
00:43:29
Speaker
So i kind of, you know, she was hopeful and confident and I just had to like, let her and let everyone else be that for me because I'm not sure I felt any of that. I just, you know, we had had four failures.
00:43:48
Speaker
four failed transfers in, by this point, and we're like almost at five years of trying. And I just, I was like, you know, she doesn't know, like we're, we're about to we ruin her life too, because that's just what comes with Jason and I try to have a baby. Oh, Ashley.
00:44:06
Speaker
So, um, I'm glad she, you know, wanted to take the pictures and had the boards and all that, because otherwise the day would have come and gone with like nothing, you know, ah documentation.
00:44:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. so so then she got her labs drawn, I guess it was a Thursday and I thought we were going to have the results on Friday. We both did.
00:44:32
Speaker
And I think she got them done in an area that had to get overnighted to like a larger city to have the blood drawn or something. Okay. um Because Friday comes and we don't have the
The Surrogacy Experience
00:44:47
Speaker
the test results. and Oh gosh. Yeah. Our coordinator's like, uh, okay.
00:44:52
Speaker
I thought we were going to have them by Friday, but now we have to wait till Monday and I'm just dying. Like, and she had secretly been testing and I knew she was going to, and I was like, don't tell me. Right. And actually through my whole journey, I never once took a pregnancy test before the blood test.
00:45:08
Speaker
Oh, wow. Yeah. Cause a lot of people will test, you know, after the transfer right away. away Um, to, but I was like, I just want the official blood level.
00:45:20
Speaker
So I never ever took a pregnancy test or anything like through my transfers. So, so it's like Friday night, I think. And I'm like, Christine, you have to tell me, I can't wait till my day.
00:45:33
Speaker
And she's like, wait, but are you sure? Cause I thought you didn't want me to tell you. And I'm like, Well, I did. i did it. But now I do because we're I've got result. Yeah, exactly. So then she sends a picture and and of the positive pregnancy test and she's like, it's positive. And I'm just like on the floor sobbing, you know, yeah me and Jason and um kind of just in disbelief.
00:45:56
Speaker
Yeah. ah And then from there is just. We had a very natural relationship, I would say, and that's like what we wanted. you know, Jason and I have a lot of friends that are really dear to us. We have a lot of family.
00:46:14
Speaker
we weren't like, you know, some people are like, oh, I want to visit on Christmas and have an extra, a new auntie. And we were like, we want it to feel natural. We like, you obviously are a part of our family and our story forever,
00:46:27
Speaker
but it was really lovely to see like how the relationship grew and like how we wanted more of her, if that makes sense. Um, and, and so we got to know, like, so we went up from to where she lives for, and we're in different States. So we went up to where she lives, um, for the first appointment, i mean, for the anatomy scan and like got to be there for that.
00:46:53
Speaker
And, um, You know, and she would, we'd always be on the phone, like during the appointments and I got to know the doctor and um she got me for Christmas a bond bracelet where when she would feel our son kick, she would buzz me. And so all day long at work, I'm like feeling the buzz, you know, or at home. So it's like, I know he's how active he is. And I was so surprised how much he would move. Like I didn't, and how early I didn't realize that. and so that was really cool to be able to get to
00:47:25
Speaker
feel like a part of that. But yeah, I mean, our relationship just felt really natural and and easy, you know? When going back to that feeling of transfer day where you're just expecting the worst and here she comes with her pineapple socks and her board and, you know, just all of those things to positive pregnancy tests, the first transfer for her and all of those things.
00:47:55
Speaker
When did you let yourself celebrate or feel like that? When did you allow yourself to feel like it was real? Was there a moment or did it just kind of progress? It was, yeah, it was a slow progression.
00:48:10
Speaker
In the beginning, I was very hesitant because, you know, the miscarriage risk is higher earlier. And, but I still knew like, this is different. Like I had so much more confidence in her body than my own.
00:48:23
Speaker
and so much more peace about her body doing this than mine. So, you know, i think it was, it wasn't instant because there was always that fear, but a lot the fear was for other people. Like I didn't want other people getting excited because other people would get hurt just like I i was used to being hurt.
00:48:44
Speaker
But I think, I think believed it was going to happen like immediately. Like I i thought, I think I felt like, This is it. It's going to happen. And it's actually going to go really smooth.
00:48:55
Speaker
i I had that feeling since really, really early on. And that's how it went. Like everything went. I mean, poor thing was nauseous, developed like carpal tunnel at the end. So, you know, not the easiest thing for her, but the process.
00:49:11
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. After so much turmoil, the process was so smooth. And I had a feeling in my gut early, early on that it was going to be like that. I love that. And I love that you were part of it with ah whether it's the bond bracelet or you guys, like you said, that relationship just kind of grew organically.
00:49:35
Speaker
What would you say besides delivery day? but What would you say was maybe kind of one of the most memorable moments or maybe surprising moments of the journey kind of as a whole besides delivery day that gets its own special focus?
00:49:51
Speaker
um
00:49:55
Speaker
I think, you know, at one point we were up in her state and it was like a little family gathering for her son's birthday. We got to go and her like family members had like knitted blankets and things for our son and just,
00:50:16
Speaker
You know, her mother-in-law at some point was like, um she ate healthier during this pregnancy than she ever ate any of her pregnancies. You know, just just understanding like what a sacrifice it was for her entire family and like how
00:50:34
Speaker
how it's so much bigger than like just us. And, you know, her kids having to go to school and explain that their mom's pregnant with someone else's baby. And like her husband, James is like hilarious.
00:50:48
Speaker
he like made a joke in his work. Like, yeah, my wife's pregnant and it's not even my baby. That's right.
00:50:56
Speaker
The, the, yeah, just seeing like in real life, how it affected the rest of her family and I think mostly like good ways.
00:51:07
Speaker
Um, you know, it just felt like it was so much bigger than us. Yeah. It's, it's interesting that you use the word her family sacrifice, but it sounds everything I'm hearing from you. It sounds like her family celebrated.
00:51:20
Speaker
Yeah. Family celebrated this yeah like all of these things. They did. yes. But you know, I do, I do think like it is a sacrifice. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Right.
00:51:32
Speaker
Yeah. For the ultimate amazing moment that is. Yeah. Like it's something you you do. It's a joyful sacrifice, I think. Like, but I don't know. I just felt it was really cool to see like the ripples of how our son just affected so many people.
00:51:54
Speaker
Yeah. So cared for by so many. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so we get to the big day, delivery day. Tell me everything.
00:52:06
Speaker
yeah I mean, it was incredible. um You guys were in a different state. Yeah, how was, when did get there? Christine has two amazing kids, and they were both born through C-section, so we knew we were planning a C-section. love a schedule. We love a schedule. Yeah, I appreciated that.
00:52:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So we planned to come up a couple days early and just kind of hang. And we took some photos with her family, which I'm so thankful for. ah And just all these little things that I probably wouldn't have thought of because I was, the process was still so delicate, you know, like, I don't know.
00:52:43
Speaker
I just, um I was hesitant in a lot of ways, but yeah. So ah we originally thought that only I would be in the delivery room.
00:52:55
Speaker
Well, in the beginning, she had said when we were like, very early on in the process that she wanted her husband in the delivery room. She was very anxious about having surgery and she wanted her husband. and I was like, totally makes sense, of course. And then like towards the end of the pregnancy, she was like, Hey, we talked about it. And I actually would like you in there. And I was like, Oh my gosh, are you serious?
00:53:18
Speaker
So, um, we thought it was going to be the two of us. And then like, right when we're about to roll back the day of our son's birth, They, the doctors like, they're like, Oh, the doctor made an exception.
00:53:30
Speaker
um husband and dad, come on, let's go. it's a party. yeah yeah So they got to stand like just outside the or So I'm in there. i'm there. I'm not in there yet, but they're prepping her. And then they bring me in and I'm back behind like the drape holding her hand. And, um, you know, she's like moving around on the table, like,
00:53:52
Speaker
It's a whole process. this yeah Yeah, absolutely. And, um, you know, i I being an NP was like excited to be there, like to see all of it.
00:54:03
Speaker
Um, so they're like, your son is about to come out. Do you want to come to the other side? And I'm like, yeah. And, but I was very conscious about Christine and like,
00:54:14
Speaker
I didn't want her to feel alone. Yeah. So it felt weird going from that end to like the other receiving end. but So she, I don't think she could see me because I was on the other side of the drape now. And I watched my son come out and they give him to me and I'm just like a wreck, but I'm very like, I'm holding him and I'm very conscious of the fact that
Welcoming the New Family Member
00:54:35
Speaker
Christine's on the other side. And I like, I want to be with her. Like I want to go immediately and like tell her, thank you and hug her and like show him to her.
00:54:44
Speaker
Um, but they're like doing, you know, cleaning him up and doing all the things. Yeah. And then, so they're like, can you, can I said, can I, can I go and show her, ah our son? And she, and they said, yeah.
00:54:57
Speaker
So I went over there and her husband had been brought in and I was like, I wish you guys would have told me her husband was here. So I didn't worry so much about her, you know, but, um, I was very thankful to see they had brought James in and he was like there with her.
00:55:12
Speaker
Um, And then I could like fully mentally shift to like my son. And yeah, I mean, then my I could see my husband looking through the window, like watching me hold him.
00:55:26
Speaker
and um then we, you know, once he's cleaned up, like they him to me and we go out and I hand it to my husband and we're just like, just losing it right outside of the OR.
00:55:40
Speaker
And then we go, we did get a room and like we had an amazing experience in this hospital. Like I remember on the way Jason was like, okay, Ashley, you need to prepare for people saying comments that maybe seem hurtful. It's just because they don't know. This is a really like unique experience. A lot of like the nurses, the receptionists. They'll use Mon. Yeah, exactly. They don't, they're not used to this. So like try not to be offended when they,
00:56:07
Speaker
say things that are, that you find hurtful. And like, that really didn't happen. it really didn't. Like everyone was so kind and intentional. And like, maybe there was a couple terms and I would just like gently correct and be like, Hey, it's called this or whatever.
00:56:23
Speaker
um but we just had such an amazing experience and like, we had our own room and we just felt, yeah it but it was just really wonderful. I mean, everything,
00:56:34
Speaker
was so smooth. But yeah, so we went back to our room and they took the measurements and everything. And um the the photographer who had taken photos of us all together before his birth came back, Christine offered, hey, she said she would take newborn shots. And I was like, I just never would have thought of that on my own.
00:56:55
Speaker
So I'm really glad that I did that. Said yes. So they yeah came, they took photos. And then we took them to meet Christine a few hours later. And My mom was there and the next day, like Jason's dad came up and my dad came up and yeah, I mean, we, he got to meet her two kids and it was just amazing.
00:57:20
Speaker
That's beautiful. All those people that I've been loving him and making blankets and just all of those things. yeah It's just that full circle moment. Oh, I love that. That's beautiful.
00:57:33
Speaker
you're, As you're going through this, you had, you had been writing poetry through your own, you know, just process. And then you're processing through just the journey as a whole.
00:57:49
Speaker
Did you feel like as you were holding him that you could finally celebrate?
Reflections on Faith and Motherhood
00:57:56
Speaker
Yes. Yes, I i did.
00:58:00
Speaker
Yeah. But it's funny, like even now you you hear me tell my story. I focus so much on what we went through to get him because i that is the complete version of our story. yeah like And I felt even in the midst of it, I felt like it was really important to keep telling our story before we had the happy ending because we do have the happy ending now. But like not everybody gets that, you know, not every person who enters into this will...
00:58:29
Speaker
end up with a healthy earth side baby. And like, that's the reality. So I feel just so, so grateful to Christine, like her pictures all over his nursery yeah working on his like baby book and she's just all over it. Like I went back to work and like most everyone knew cause I was very open about it. But i mean,
00:58:53
Speaker
people will be like, you have a four-month-old? You look great. And I'm like, thanks. I know. didn't carry him. but um And I'll explain. like i I love telling people about what she did for us. I love telling people about just like the beauty that surrogacy is.
00:59:10
Speaker
And I feel really lucky that we got to have him this way. um But it was it was at a huge cost. You know? A huge cost. Yeah.
00:59:22
Speaker
You... You mentioned before, you know, you your faith is so important to you. And, you know, i think you said it was a was a soering shoestring at one point.
00:59:35
Speaker
How has your faith grown, changed, morphed, being in the spot that you're in now? Getting to look back on that happy ending.
00:59:48
Speaker
um If you're willing to share. Yeah, no, I think...
00:59:59
Speaker
I think something I realized, like, halfway through all of this, like, way before we had Baby Hawk, and when I still didn't know what the outcome would be, was, like... I didn't want love the promise more than I loved the promise keeper. Mmm...
01:00:21
Speaker
And
01:00:28
Speaker
just that, you know, i I hear a lot of like everything happens for a reason. i'm not sure I believe that mentality.
01:00:38
Speaker
Like I think there's just random pain and suffering that makes no sense that happens. Like that has no purpose. um I think that...
01:00:52
Speaker
I had this like mantra in my head, like God can do this. He will do this. But even if he doesn't, like he's the most high King and I will worship him forever. Like I always, that was always but I would try to come back to.
01:01:13
Speaker
beautiful. That's beautiful. And so raw and so vulnerable because it's so easy to get lost when you're in the midst of going to acupuncture five times a day and drinking all of the juice and working out and all of the things. And now and you're just, you keep moving forward and you're on this infertility train that just never seems to stop.
01:01:35
Speaker
And it's beautiful that you had that bedrock. Yeah. I mean, on my best days, but there was a lot of anger and a lot of like, you know, really raw Poetry that happened and just, I'm nice. Still like, don't understand like why it went down like this, you know?
01:01:57
Speaker
um And, you know, one thing that's important is like having my rainbow baby, having baby Hawk here. It doesn't, obviously, as you can see, I told you I'm a crier, but it doesn't negate or take away all my suffering. And I still am confused about why,
01:02:15
Speaker
are I'm still, I'm forever changed by that suffering, forever changed. And so just like having ah baby finally, after five years, doesn't take away everything that's happened to me.
01:02:30
Speaker
And our story is like so complex, which is why I'm always like, I don't know. I just never, i saw so many women with strollers with babies where I assumed it was easy. And so anytime someone comments, I'm like, thank you. It was years of of hardship to get him here, but here he is. You know, like I always, i can never just celebrate without acknowledging the hardship, if that makes sense.
01:02:55
Speaker
But I don't think it's a bad thing. I just think that's how I feel. i don't think that's a bad thing at all. And I mean, you know, i i won't get on the soapbox for too long, but I have always said it it's never
01:03:12
Speaker
those random questions of like, oh, well, when are you going to have kids? Or, you know, oh, wow, you like, you you have a four month old, you look great. Like people just need to be so aware of their words because they just don't know the full impact. You don't know the full story. And even though your path to get there was such a roller coaster, think both of the happiness and the hardship can coexist and yeah, definitely. Yeah.
01:03:45
Speaker
And the fact that you were, the fact that you were brave enough to be that vulnerable and be the person that's willing to, to say it instead of just someone who kind of smiles and just knows.
01:03:58
Speaker
And there's room for both of it, but the fact that you're, but you, you know, are choosing to, to do that, I think is amazing. Thank you. Okay.
01:04:08
Speaker
You have already, Just, I mean, you've shared so much and have been so vulnerable. What would you just, after being on this journey and being on this side of the story, is there any advice that you would give to any intended parents or maybe even GCs?
01:04:33
Speaker
Or is there anything you would want to say to day one, Ashley? Yeah.
01:04:40
Speaker
I mean, I think I've said, yeah, a lot of it already. Not every, the amount of work you put in does not equal what you get out. Not everyone's story will end with an earth side baby.
01:04:53
Speaker
Um, you know, it's, what you'll know when you're done, you'll know when your body is like tap the F out and you can't do anymore. And like, that's totally fine.
01:05:07
Speaker
Um, um,
01:05:09
Speaker
And, you know, i you just keep doing the next right thing. I would, if anything, I guess I would say, don't wait as long as I did to get support. And, um you know, I had got off social media very quickly because I thought I don't want to keep seeing all these happy families and all these pregnant women of like random people I went to high school with. Like, it's just making me feel so depressed.
01:05:36
Speaker
So, I didn't even know there was like support groups for the longest time. so I was just so lonely for so long. So I wish if anything, I wish I would have, um, Googled infertility support group sooner. Cause that's how I think I found resolve, which led me to fertility rally.
01:05:55
Speaker
So, um, and we're going to link that in the show notes for those of you who don't want to Yeah. Um, Yeah, I think that would be the main. Oh, and also, i mean, as I said, too, like, I still grieve the four losses we had. I still like, especially now that baby Hawk is here, and I see what those four potential babies would have been.
01:06:19
Speaker
My husband and I both like, look at him and and, you know, we're just like, wow, there was four others before him, too. And I think it makes us just so grateful for him.
01:06:30
Speaker
So like it it had to be him, but also we're, we're, we grieve the four that were lost before him. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's that layer. it's It's just all of those layers.
01:06:42
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. My last question, and it's a fun one for anyone who knows me and you've just seen me sip on this the whole time, but um I have a very codependent relationship with coffee.
01:06:56
Speaker
And so i always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what was the thing that filled your cup?
01:07:09
Speaker
ah Yes, coffee every day. Every day. Love it I get when I lay in bed at night, I think I think about the coffee I'm gonna have in the morning and I get excited. Yeah, yeah, that Yeah.
01:07:23
Speaker
And, you know, just Hawk like what a privilege it is to when I hear his cry and it wakes me up like And I stopped sleeping and that I'm like, oh, I'm tired. I'm like, oh like it's just such a privilege and a gift to get to take care of him and be as well.
01:07:40
Speaker
Yeah. oh that's beautiful. That's beautiful. And then you go in and you see that sweet smile and the little gummy mouth. He's in that phase where he's just so excited when you get him out of his crib. It's just the sweetest thing in the world.
01:07:53
Speaker
ah love it. I love it. Oh, that's amazing, Mama. Well, again, noticed that it agnosium, but truly thank you so much for your vulnerability, for crying with us, for sharing, oh girl, I'm here for it, for just sharing everything. i mean, it it can be so lonely and it's, I mean, it's wonderful to be able to hear another story and to know that you're not, you're not in this alone and there have been others before and others now And and I'm really just so grateful that you were willing to share it um your story. so Thank you. Thank you, Ash.
01:08:38
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You, and Who podcast community.
01:08:56
Speaker
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01:09:08
Speaker
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01:09:32
Speaker
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01:09:49
Speaker
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