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S3 E21 Who?! Parenthood with Pride: An LGBTQ+ Family’s Path
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Summary
This episode is full of heart, laughter, and the kind of love that reminds you why family-building matters so much, especially during Pride Month.
Whitney sits down with Zach and Scott Sutton, two joyful, thoughtful dads who share their journey to parenthood through egg donation and surrogacy. From choosing between an unidentified or known egg donor, to navigating delivery day with their surrogate, Zach and Scott walk us through each step with honesty, humor, and so much intention.
But this conversation goes beyond the logistics. It’s about why they made the choices they did, how they’re committed to honoring and celebrating their daughter’s story, and the importance of visibility and openness around donor conception, especially as an LGBTQ+ family.
Their journey is a beautiful example of growing a family with purpose, love, and deep mutual respect. Whether you're in the middle of your own path to parenthood or just love a good story, this episode will leave you feeling uplifted, inspired, and proud.
Takeaways
- Zach always wanted a big family and felt destined to have children.
- The financial realities of family building can be daunting but manageable.
- Choosing an egg donor involves emotional and practical considerations.
- Building a family is a partnership that requires open communication.
- The journey of parenthood can be filled with excitement and fear.
- It's important to break the stigma around donor conception for children.
- Finding the right donor can feel overwhelming but rewarding.
- Relationships with donors and surrogates can evolve positively over time.
- Creating a supportive community is essential.
- Letting go of control can lead to a more peaceful journey.
- Communication with the support team helps alleviate anxiety.
- Family acceptance can be a complex journey.
- They emphasize the importance of chosen family in the LGBTQ community.
- The journey of parenthood has strengthened their relationship. It's important to celebrate your family and identity.
Links
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Zach and Scott's Family Journey
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi everyone. Today's episode is such a joyful one and the perfect way to celebrate Pride Month. I had the absolute pleasure of chatting with Zach and Scott, two incredibly fun and thoughtful dads who built their beautiful family through egg donation and surrogacy.
00:00:18
Speaker
From the moment we hit record, their energy, honesty, and love for each other and for their sweet baby girl absolutely shines. As a couple that is part of the LGBTQ plus community, they walk us through their journey to parenthood with so much heart.
00:00:36
Speaker
Everything from deciding between unidentified versus a known egg donation cycle and finding a donor all the way to delivery day with their surrogate and beyond.
Breaking Stigmas Around Donor Conception
00:00:46
Speaker
It's not just the logistics we talk about It's the why behind it all.
00:00:50
Speaker
The importance of celebrating their daughter's story, navigating others' perceptions, and breaking down stigma around donor conception, and how mutual respect and love has grounded them through it all.
00:01:02
Speaker
This conversation is filled with laughs, deep insight, and so many beautiful reminders of what it means to grow your family with intention. And during a month where we celebrate love,
00:01:15
Speaker
visibility, and the freedom to build your family your own way, Zach and Scott's story will leave you smiling. Enjoy! me you and who who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby in a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways my name is whitney hall and i am a two-time surrogate now turned surrogacy coordinator for egg donor and surrogate solutions
00:01:53
Speaker
the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families. With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever. We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
Deciding to Grow a Family: Choices and Challenges
00:02:21
Speaker
Well, Zach and Scott, thank you guys so much for being here. I'm so excited. hey guys Thank you for having us. We're so excited for this today. Oh my goodness. And then for our listeners, you're going to have to go YouTube because baby Andy also happens to be present. So if you want just, you know, a little sneak peek of that precious angel, she's here too. So. yeah
00:02:46
Speaker
Well, you guys, again, I'm just, I'm so grateful you guys are here and wanting to share your story and Andy, your story, Angel Girl. But let's, before we even get to just, you know, our star here, let's go back and go to like the very beginning. We've decided we're going to grow our family. What was that process even like as you guys were just, you know, going to determine how you were going to build your family and what made the most sense for you guys?
00:03:15
Speaker
um t Scott, do you want to start? now No, please. Yeah. name you You really led the thing. So I mean, you take it away. Then and ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to have a big family. I was like, I want kids like so badly.
00:03:28
Speaker
And so when we were kind of finally settled in life, we had a house, we had the dogs. I was like, we're just missing the baby in the white picket fence. Like, Oh my God. I love it. We're going for the American dream. yes Yes. So I love it.
00:03:39
Speaker
It's just something that I felt like we always were destined to have and needed to have. I'm just so glad that we have it now. So. Yeah, and I mean, and I think it's I mean, it's a little bit deeper, too. It's at least for me is I, you know, well I'm 15 years older than Zach. I guess as of today, I'm 16 years older, and then he has a birthday next month. And that's back happy birthday. yeah So, you know, for for me, it's like, okay, as you get older, and you start thinking about it, right? It's okay like, like, is there anything? Is there anything I'm leaving behind? Right?
00:04:08
Speaker
But, and and for me, it's like, yeahve I've always wanted kids. And when Zach and I met, it was a conversation we had early on is, do you want kids? Because a lot of gay people don't want kids. It's never a reality for for them, right?
Financial Considerations in Surrogacy and Egg Donation
00:04:20
Speaker
it's It's cost prohibitive. It's all these other things. But for me, it's something I've wanted since I was a teenager. um And i've I've never thought we would actually have a little nugget, but we do. So.
00:04:31
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and I think you guys are highlighting a really, you know, just important thing for the LGBT community, right? Like it's not a matter, like it's a question of, hey, do you, do you even want kids?
00:04:42
Speaker
But then you also get to, you know, be faced with kind of the reality of exactly like you said, Scott, it's not really a question. It doesn't end with, well, do you want kids? Yes or no. It ends with, do you want kids? Yes.
00:04:53
Speaker
Okay, now how are we going to afford it or what are we going to do to not even just afford like the baby, right? Like let's, we have to afford to like get to the baby. from it's your Yeah.
00:05:05
Speaker
I mean, to be fair, I don't even remember. i don't even think Zach and I, we really don't even know what it costs. We just kept sending checks to people. I love it. if stop to think about it you won't do it you just gotta yes to every step of the process so yeah right it's like that scary um what was it i mean we were buying a house for the first time and like we we get to the realtor and you know they break down like the mortgage cost and everything and like my real estate agent was like just don't look the page just don't look just just sign just sign
00:05:35
Speaker
No, for sure. For sure. But again, to your point, right? Like it is, it is kind of that extra step and you know, you kind of have to decide, Hey, are we, do we have the means to do it? Okay, great. We think we have the means to do it. Let's, you know, let's move forward.
00:05:49
Speaker
So when you guys, you know, decided, Hey, we want to go with the egg donation route. How you're, you're now kind of, you know, first, right. It's like, okay, do you want to have kids now? It's yes.
00:06:01
Speaker
Okay. What are we going to do to get there? We decide we're going to go egg donation.
Choosing the Right Egg Donor and Surrogate
00:06:05
Speaker
What was that process like just even getting, you know, deciding that the egg donor route was going to be your choice? And then you're kind of met with more choices, right? Like, are we going to go anonymous or not anonymous? We don't say anonymous.
00:06:18
Speaker
Unidentified. Are we going to go? No. Now you're you're looking at, you know, just a database of all of, you know, your possibilities. How was all that? How did you navigate that? I'll say, because I kind of led the charge on finding the donor and like the agency and everything.
00:06:33
Speaker
yeah in the first place we found, it was very like cut and dry. It was, do you want a blonde? Do you want a brunette? Great. They didn't really give you any background on who the person was a level. I just didn't like that. I wanted to know something about who we were creating a family with, you know even if we didn't get to meet them in person.
00:06:50
Speaker
So we kind of stopped going with them because they told us you're never going to find a redhead. Like we were really wanted a donor that had red hair like me. So Scott can be the sport and dad and we can just carry on that way.
00:07:02
Speaker
And they're like you're never going to find it. Give up on that. Like that's ridiculous. And I was like, wow. Okay. So not going with them. Like that's crazy. Please don't. That's so rude to say. so then the other great thing is when we found egg owner solutions, someone actually called me.
00:07:15
Speaker
It wasn't just like an endless email chain. Someone actually got on the phone and said, how are things going? How are things progressing for you. And it was just so nice to hear from an actual person and not like an automated email. So that was really like the best part.
00:07:28
Speaker
Yeah. Well, gosh, this is such a personal choice. It's not just, you know, like find my donor, put in, you know, whatever. And then someone gets like spit back.
00:07:39
Speaker
You want to talk to somebody. Well, you know, in in and even goes a little bit prior to that. ah we We really didn't know where to start. Right. So the place he's referencing is a place out of New York and, and you know, kind of the New York attitude and yada. Right.
00:07:53
Speaker
but So it was okay. It was kind of off-putting ah from from the get-go. So then we thought, okay, well, we we, you know, we have this company in Mexico ah that we could potentially use.
00:08:04
Speaker
Before we even ended up with egg donor solutions, we we read a lot of articles and things about, um but Niles still emails us all the time to check in about things. And, But we were days away from signing a contract with them. And then our, you know, my sister-in-law, our sister-in-law raised her hand and said, Hey, are you ever going to approach me about being y'all surrogate? And we were like, well, no, we, you know, we, it hadn't ever crossed our mind to ask you, Hey, do you want to be pregnant for nine months and carry, you know, my brother's child kind of, it was just this whole dynamic that we'd never really discussed.
00:08:38
Speaker
Yeah. So we then that's when Zach picked up and said, okay, let's, let's do this. And we started researching us companies and egg donor solutions popped up. And I think to Zach's point, it felt very welcoming. It felt like we were at home. We felt like we had partners through the process.
00:08:55
Speaker
Um, more so these other places were just, let's get a contract signed. Let's do this and don't have your hopes up too high. There's all these, you know, all these different roadblocks and barriers. And with egg donor solutions, it I won't say it was easy, but it was easier.
00:09:09
Speaker
ah It just it felt more comfortable. um But yeah, there was a little bit more to it than just, you know, going on and finding egg donor solutions. And then a redhead appeared. Right. Right. Another thing, too, with the other agencies we found is they wanted us to put a deposit down. So like if we found someone we like, they're like, right, put your money down. Like, let's get that wire transfer right away.
00:09:29
Speaker
and I remember our care coordinator with Owner Solutions was like, Nope, that's not how it works. We'll contact her. We'll get in touch, see how
Views on Known vs. Anonymous Donors
00:09:36
Speaker
they're feeling. And if everything goes good, then you'll put some money down in a deposit or like a transfer.
00:09:41
Speaker
So that was nice that I wasn't like a push to get money like as soon as possible. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and again, two to kind of exactly what you said, Scott, right? Like it's a partnership.
00:09:52
Speaker
That's what this is supposed to be. You're, you're, you know, You're collecting your industry professionals that are helping you build your family. You're not, it's not going to the grocery store and, you know, and having that just transaction. There's a whole person and feelings and emotions and thoughts and just all kinds of things going, you know, going on here just in the very beginning.
00:10:14
Speaker
And right, like it isn't on an always easy, you know, path and you want to have people that see you as humans and not you as, you know, a check writer. like that's not how this is supposed to go. Yeah.
00:10:26
Speaker
So when you decided to go with donor and surrogate solutions and you, you know, are having those conversations and you know, you're getting your phone calls and everything.
00:10:38
Speaker
When you did find donor, what was that process like kind of trying to decide, or maybe this was before a donor. Had you guys really kind of thought through what it looked like to have a unidentified versus known cycle and what that relationship would look like. How was that?
00:10:57
Speaker
So this is all exactly first. This is where we, we diverged here a little bit. We have different, I just different generations. Sure. have i We have different ideas of what we wanted. So Zach, you can take it away. I love it. For me, I wanted to, since the way I saw it is this person is representing me in the baby making process. You know, we knew we were using Scott's sperm.
00:11:17
Speaker
So the egg was me. So I wanted someone who was like me, even if they didn't like me physically, I wanted someone who had ah personality that kind of matched mine. I remember when we found our donor, she had listed as her favorite movie, the labyrinth.
00:11:31
Speaker
And I thought that I love it. An out there movie to put down. And it just makes me feel like a sense of connection. And she also loves sushi. I love sushi. Scott hates it. I wanted a similar palette to mine. So I had a chance of having a little buddy to go get sushi with one day, you know?
00:11:47
Speaker
Yes. Yes. To me, I really wanted to know who it was. Scott would have been fine with just like the detailed description of what they looked like.
00:11:56
Speaker
There a lot more in-depth, there was a lot more emotion in it for me, I would say. Scott, you know, he is very happy that it had been um unidentified. and Yeah, and you know, I'm old school.
00:12:07
Speaker
Yeah. That's fair. I don't hear old school. I hear pragmatic. I hear you're looking at it. Yeah, I hear pragmatic. And I think all of those things are, mean, however anybody approaches this journey, right? Like it's unique to them and then you should have the ability to to do it however, you know, it fits for your family.
00:12:24
Speaker
But I love that you two kind of had these two schools of thought and then, you know, we've come to, you know, where we are now. So, You're talking a lot about those personality traits and you know and and those things like that.
00:12:38
Speaker
And you get to know those things in the database, but then for that, for it for a Unidentified cycle, you can still kind of know those things, but then you're just never really like talking to the person. yeah When you were thinking about, you know, okay, actually we want to go with known.
00:12:57
Speaker
It's not just their personality. Now it's like, we're going actually ah their name and have like open connection. Scott, maybe I'll go with you first.
00:13:07
Speaker
What was your, you know, to go from like, I'm good just reading their physical characteristics to I'm going to actually speak to this person. How was that jump for you? So, I mean, initially, i and I don't know, maybe even still to a point today, I'm a little resistant because I'm very protective. Of course.
00:13:25
Speaker
You know, i just it's just my nature of who I am as a person, right? My my niece, my nephew, Zach, our dogs, like I'm just, I'm protective, right? So naturally, I'm protective, probably a little too much so through the process where Zach's like, oh, heck yeah, let's you let's go to like,
00:13:41
Speaker
but Lunch together. Let's, you know, when we can go on vacations. Let's share like photos and pictures and like we're pen pals. And so all that is great. But again, I'm more, ah I like to have a private life. And I thought, you know, this is our family.
00:13:58
Speaker
And I don't want to invite somebody into our family when we're, until I'm ready, right? I want it to be our family because we're we're the one going through the process and we're the one building it and all that. And I will say ah through attrition, i have been worn down and Zach's won me over to his side. Yeah.
00:14:15
Speaker
and yeah And we'll talk about it later, I'm sure. But we actually got a chance to to meet our donor. She came to the hospital and sent time spent time with us in the NICU. um And we we got a chance to meet her and she's fantastic and phenomenal. and But it couldn't have turned out any better than what it was and what it's ended up being. Zach was always, yeah, I want to know her and I want to have her not involved, but I want her to know what she helped create, right? And I want her to feel comfortable knowing that.
00:14:45
Speaker
And then I started feeling like a jerk. Like, well, how can I say no to that? Like, I mean, if I say no to that, like I'm a horrible person. Like, I can't say no to that. So, um, so that's what evolved from. But initially I was really resistant to it.
00:14:59
Speaker
Um, as Zach knows, I warm up to things over time. You just have to stay persistent. Sure. Right. Well, you kind of have a vision of what it's going to be. And, you know, to and this is so the world of egg donation has evolved so much in such a short period of time. And, you know, gosh, before you didn't even acknowledge that there was an egg donor, like you would just pretend or, you know, I i had a friend who donated eggs like 25 years ago. She was a work colleague.
00:15:28
Speaker
And they didn't even send pictures. You just got words on a paper and then they either said yes or no. And if they worked to great, if not, you just never
Building a Loving Community Around Their Child
00:15:37
Speaker
know. So she said now those kids would be getting near an age where they might try and find her somehow.
00:15:42
Speaker
And it's crazy to think that she would pass them on the street and not know who they were. Right, right. I mean, and that really, mean, yes, Zach, to your point, like that really kind of opens the door to, you know, it's not, it's not just about, you know, I mean,
00:15:56
Speaker
obviously you guys growing your family and being those parents is so, so important, but, you know, thinking about like that, that child, that donor conceived person becoming that grownup and then, yeah, they're walking by, you know, their person that they share DNA with and having absolutely no idea you get into this whole health factor. I mean, it opens up this whole other, you know, just world of possibilities and thoughts and that, you know, people just hadn't thought about prior to.
00:16:20
Speaker
um But i think, you know, I totally hear that side of things, Scott, though, of this sense of, you know, I want to protect my family and what and what that means to you, knowing what you knew then versus maybe how it is now.
00:16:41
Speaker
Yeah. and And I think where I evolved on almost immediately, as soon as I met Andy, my, my gears shifted, right? I mean, I'm 42. Right. I was, I'm a workaholic. So I work a ton.
00:16:53
Speaker
and then and then And then I started thinking, um it's probably never a bad thing to have her surrounded by more and more and more people that know her and love her. Right. yeah but So whether it's Zach and Zach's family or, or my family in Texas or the egg donor or Hannah, who was our surrogate, and to have her you know ah her parents, which aren't really related at all, but they still feel like they're Gigi and Papa, right? And they came and met her and held her. So my my priority shifted really quickly about it's you never know what's going to happen in this life. And it's you want to build the biggest. It's our responsibility, I think, to build the biggest circle of love around her.
00:17:33
Speaker
as possible. And it doesn't matter who it is, right? I mean, I think a year ago, it mattered a lot to me. And a year from now, I won't even remember that I thought it mattered at all. sure So it's ah it's amazing how quickly that shift happened. And just and I didn't even realize it.
00:17:48
Speaker
Yeah, well, exactly. Right. Like to your point, it takes a village and who doesn't love, you know, having ah you know just a village of people just loving on your kiddo. I mean, that just feels good as a parent.
00:18:00
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So, Zach, going to you, why why was it so important to you to have that? Really? I didn't want her to think any part of the way she came into this world was stigmatized.
00:18:13
Speaker
You know? i feel like if we just never talked about our donor, never explained, never said who it was, it would apply some kind of a stigma like, this was bad. Like, it wasn't a good thing. We didn't want this to happen. And that's not how it was it at all. So I feel like if you tell her, like, hey, this is who, you know, Auntie Morgan, that's what we call her.
00:18:29
Speaker
Aw. It just... gets rid of any type of stigma that could be like, of like oh, wow, like, you have to use an egg donor, which obviously two gay guys, we would have to use an egg. gun Sure. i don't Like to explain to their kids till they're older. And I just didn't want any part any stigma behind how she got here.
00:18:45
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that. Well, and so, okay. So going back to, and you kind of touched a little bit on this, Zach, as you guys were going through and looking through that database and thinking about it from this perspective of, okay, we do want to know this person and we know we want her to love sushi and red hair would be great. And you know, like all of that.
00:19:09
Speaker
How did you guys navigate that database? Cause it can be so overwhelming. You know, it is. And like, shout out to them. They had a great selection. Like, really, truly.
Egg Donation Cycle and Emotional Journey
00:19:19
Speaker
I was like so worried about being vain and like wanting based just off of looks, you know? So I had it set to like, no, like, I think the first time we and had proven donors, you could look up who was a proven donor. Sure.
00:19:31
Speaker
And so we had selected that, but then I was like, oh my gosh, that's still a lot of people on there. So then Scott was like, just select red hair, just see what happens. And I think it took it from like 300 to 12 people.
00:19:43
Speaker
Yeah. Red hairs, red hairs tough. It's not impossible. It's not impossible, but it's tough. And then Morgan's profile was the first one there. Like all sudden there she was. and was like, oh, okay, we found her.
00:19:55
Speaker
I no need for further action. i was like, Scott, you can go ahead and look if you'd like. I'm not looking through any more profiles. That's her. And that's, was I not wrong? I mean, and um and that's where And that's where I think just, you know, we were a partnership on it. And I said, well, we're using my DNA. You know, this is you know this is the fill-in for you or whatever, right?
00:20:17
Speaker
yeah As long as Zach felt comfortable, I really think I felt comfortable. don't want to say I wasn't picky, but I trust Zach. And if he found somebody he liked, I was like, all right, cool, whatever. Yeah.
00:20:27
Speaker
Yeah. No, for sure. sure. at, okay. So yay, it's Morgan. We're so excited. You've, we've jumped to that step.
00:20:38
Speaker
What was cycle in that process like for you guys as you were navigating it? Because I feel like, I mean, you have this whole journey before you even got here, right? Like you guys had already, you would talk to other people.
00:20:49
Speaker
you I mean, like you really, you had a whole lot happening prior to you. And now all of a sudden you're hitting like a new go button. for, you know, all of this. What was that process like for you guys as you were navigating kind of just the nitty gritty of what it is to go through a donor cycle? But then also, this is known.
00:21:06
Speaker
So there is, you know, kind of an exchange of information and you're starting to kind of slowly build a relationship and things like that. How was that? I would say i thought it was pretty, i mean, obviously we selected you guys and it was for a good reason. It was so smooth. Like the communication was great. Anytime I had a question, you know, I remember We were like, right, we picked a donor. Now what? Like, what should we be doing? yeah sure If she go in and get her eggs and take it out, we're done.
00:21:32
Speaker
yeah It was DNA test first, I think, right? Yeah, you have to do that medical screening. Yeah, medical screening. Yeah. Screening. And then we did, i remember something got lost or like it took two extra days to get Morgan's DNA back. And you guys were so apologetic and we were like, it's fine. Like we get that they're not open on a weekend. Like it's really okay. We're not like in a rush. Well, I think it was because it was like over a holiday. In fact, it might have even been over Easter holiday or something. and it's sure I mean, like we're not crazy people.
00:22:04
Speaker
Yeah. Like we understand, but it was just like, they were apologetic for no reason. was like, okay, well now we know we went with the right people because they're apologizing when they shouldn't be apologizing.
00:22:15
Speaker
It was just nice to have someone walk us through the process because we live in Florida. We did all this in Texas. And I had been calling all of the Florida fertility clinics and no one would call me back.
00:22:26
Speaker
And then the second we got in contact with you guys, you guys had us a clinic in about 30 minutes. That had a great bar of pumice and everything. I could not, my jaw was on the floor. i was like, how did that, how did that happen so quickly? It was fantastic.
00:22:39
Speaker
and And I think like in a nutshell for me, ah and maybe this is the root of the question is, like it was a little bit of excitement, a little bit of fear, like trepidation. Like you have all those emotions raging. Okay, we've we've prepared for this, right? We know our relationship is solid. The finances we hope are solid.
00:22:57
Speaker
We just keep writing checks and just keep telling us what
Importance of Support Systems and Coping with Fears
00:23:00
Speaker
to do. We're gonna find out, you know, it's like we're so then it's like, okay, it's like, like you said, it's pressing the go button. And I think truly, from our perspective, and and you know, Amanda, who we worked with,
00:23:13
Speaker
with you folks is, is I think what I hope made us most successful is we didn't try to control anything, right? We pressed the go button. And from the get go, we knew the odds every time it's going to be however many eggs you get 50% chance that 50% of them, you know, don't make it to maturity or fertilize. And it's 50% on the next stage and 50%.
00:23:35
Speaker
And we just tried to be very calm and relaxed through the whole thing and realize that there was no point in worrying about it because worrying about it wasn't going to do anything. Right. it's It's biology. It's going to take its course. And we just have to ah just accept the outcome outcome. Right. And not try to control because you're just going drive yourself crazy. and But it was still very fearful and excite. Every time you got good news, you'd be excitement, but immediately the fear would creep in. Okay, well now the next stage.
00:24:03
Speaker
Sure, sure. Right. You get to like have like a little party and then you're like, oh wait, now exactly to your point. Now what's up next? for Every victory comes the next potential soul crushing event. And every step you got further, that soul crushing event could be more significant, right? Cause you're so much closer to having,
00:24:21
Speaker
what what your end goal is. um The only thing, the only advice, at least unsolicited as it may be, is just try to not control anything. And I know it's hard for type A personalities and I'm probably a little type A, ha maybe.
00:24:35
Speaker
um So, but it's it's hard to just like let Jesus take the wheel, you know, and just stand down. Yes, let's carry under with that and we're going to just let Jesus take the wheel. Yes. Yes.
00:24:46
Speaker
I love it. I love it. Well, there's a couple of things I would love to unpack here because i think that idea of, you know, you you're going through these, I always call it the roller coaster, these high highs and these low lows, and you're kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop and you're celebrating those victories. And then exactly like you said, that doubt starts creeping in or the fear and all of that.
00:25:10
Speaker
But I love that you... you had taken the time, you you knew what it could have looked like, right? Based off of the research that you've done and the callbacks that you didn't get Zach and things like that.
00:25:22
Speaker
And you were able to relax. still have fear, but you were like, if they're apologizing to us over a holiday weekend, like we, we don't have to at least worry about that part.
00:25:36
Speaker
And we can kind of focus on how we're feeling through this process and, you know, navigate what that looks like. And that really matters when you're, you know, building your team to help build your family.
00:25:46
Speaker
Yeah. I'm so glad that you guys had that experience because yes, as you are, you know, kind of navigating just those steps and points and, you know, celebrating those victories and, know,
00:25:59
Speaker
you know, not sure what's coming up next. Although I hope you did know what was coming up next. I really, I was like, whenever we had a question, even if it didn't relate to like the egg donation process, like when we got with more into the surrogate side of things, I could still always ask somebody and they would respond lickety split.
00:26:16
Speaker
They always knew everything. And it was just so nice to have like someone in person tell you, this is how it's going to go. And like, whew, thank God. It's not the internet telling me, well, here's the 8,000 different scenarios. Yeah, no, let's not go to Dr. Google. Yeah.
00:26:31
Speaker
I love that. No, that's so great. So then as you're going through this process and again, no donation, right? You know who the person is now. I know Zach, you had dreams of having lunch and you know, and and doing all of that, but what is that?
00:26:49
Speaker
Can you talk more about kind of what does that relationship look like as you're going through Yeah. I will say, so we didn't know Morgan until we were, what, in our second trimester?
00:27:00
Speaker
Like, we didn't know her name or anything. And that was one of the things Scott had kind of said, like, very firmly, which I agreed with. He was like, let's not jump the gun. Let's not meet her, get a big relationship going, and then end up with no babies out there. You know what Sure. Anyway, that would be like,
00:27:13
Speaker
kind of a ah sad thing more than anything. So I agreed. And then once we hit our second trimester, I messaged her on the donor sibling database, I think it was called. Yeah, the donor sibling registry. It just snowballed right down from were talking time. I was just talking to her this morning about coming on here today. like It's a great relationship. you know She's such a nice person. There's no one better we could have picked to be part of our family than that.
00:27:35
Speaker
so So you're going through your process of that of just your cycle. And I know you guys have already kind of said, like, right, like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. How did you guys navigate kind of those moments? And what was it like going through that process just in general? um I mean, I think we stayed just in communication, right? With with each other, like with each other, with y'all's team.
00:27:58
Speaker
um If we didn't know something or felt, if if we needed an answer to calm ourselves, we would send an email or pick up the phone and call or, and I was, I travel for work. So I'm always on the road. So a lot of times this was where we were apart for sometimes two, three, four weeks at a time through the process. Like every time we would get an update, I might be in a different state and he's at home alone. And We had prepared for what what if we get horrible news and I'm across the country, you know, and you're home alone. And then both of us are having to deal with this outcome alone. Right. And that and that's sometimes the fear. But um so, again, through I mean, through every stage, at least for me, um we just went into it, I think, eyes wide open and and knowing that we had zero control of it.
00:28:48
Speaker
and accept whatever happened, right? And then, lobehold, you know, we beat the odds, like 50% wasn't our odds,
Family and Societal Acceptance of Unconventional Families
00:28:56
Speaker
right? I don't want to get other people's hopes up, but we destroyed the odds at every turn.
00:29:00
Speaker
love We're going to cheer that on. Yeah. I mean, significantly so. and and i And I think that's maybe because we didn't try to control everything, right? we We did the PGG testing and we did all these other things that we, I think we felt really strongly we wanted to do.
00:29:16
Speaker
ah And we just, other than that, we just sat back and we just waited for the news that was going to come. And we were ready to accept whatever happened. yeah One thing that also brought me peace of mind, and I can't remember who told us it, they said a lot of like the literature and stuff on surrogacy and egg donation it's based off of heterosexual couples who have been trying for years and are some version of infertile versus we're not infertile. We're just missing two key components, which are the eggs and the uterus.
00:29:43
Speaker
You know what I mean? Sure. if He said, think was the doctor. i might be wrong though, babe, but I believe it was the doctor who told us take everything you're reading on the internet any kind of scientific articles with a huge grain salt because none of these are ever done with strictly homosexual couples trying to have a baby he said if it was a study done just off of that exclusively the success rates would probably be around 75 to 80 so that brought me a lot of peace of mind of like okay he's right we aren't there's so far there's nothing wrong with anyone's reproductive organs here this should go smoothly and it did so
00:30:14
Speaker
Yeah, and I mean, and as i mean Zach, you know as he picked um you know our egg donor, Morgan, I think from the get-go, we just felt at ease about it, right?
00:30:25
Speaker
ah From everything we read about her family history and and all the all the things. I think mine was more family history, medical history, and all those things. Sure, very pragmatic. nowy you know and And you see that. you see I'm the pragmatic one. i You're the, you know, the whatever.
00:30:40
Speaker
I see Zach. You're saying you care about family history. I see you. I knew genetics. I got my degree in biology, okay? I knew all about what to look for. But the love of sushi matters, too. um It's funny what took first seat over second seat in Thursday. Yeah, it's funny.
00:30:57
Speaker
Um... yeah yeah No, I mean, but that's so interesting that you say that, Zach, as far as just, and I think that really, again, kind of highlights, you know, those, one, I can't stand Dr. Google.
00:31:14
Speaker
yeah But two, coming into, you know, these things from that LGBTQ perspective of, hey, like the stuff that's available doesn't always apply to me. And, you know, kind of highlights that disparity, you know, amongst all of that. And so, again, having that trusted team, being able to ask, okay, hey, I'm not going to ask like the general population. Can you just talk? Can you give me information about me and my like my journey right now? yeah And it's, yeah, that's so, so important.
00:31:45
Speaker
And I love Scott that you keep coming back to this. Like we just, we had to let it go. We had to just not control all of these micromanage things. You can tell Scott was very carefree. He was like, it's going to be what it's going to be. Me. I was a ball of stress. The full like two year process. I was like,
00:32:02
Speaker
Oh my goodness. I could not believe I was like this. I am so nervous. Like I'm so anxious, but I'm naturally an anxious person. You want something so bad. I think it consumed our every thought for like the first fertility clinic we met said it takes on average two years from start to finish.
00:32:16
Speaker
And we started in April, 2023 and she was her original due date was April, 2025. So they were spot on. They said it's an average of two years and dammit. It was, you know, here we are. yeah Yeah.
00:32:30
Speaker
So Zach, how were you kind of, what was that support looking like for you? and i mean, and this could be for the both of you, Scott. I mean, I know you, per Zach, we're kind of having this.
00:32:41
Speaker
you know quote, carefree, you know, idea about it. But what did support look like for you whenever you were kind of having those moments of anxiety? And how did you kind of navigate aspect of this? I always make our dogs on very, very long walks.
00:32:54
Speaker
We love a good walk. If I was, the more tired, the better, you know? so I was like, all right, if I'm anxious, we're getting up at 6 a.m., going to the beach for the sunrise, and we're going nice coffee and just let it, let it be. So that was probably my biggest, like, gotta calm yourself down some way. And that helped me a lot, so.
00:33:09
Speaker
Yeah. ah And then I do what I always do, right? I dove headfirst into work. um You know, love it i love a good distraction you know i I stay busy, right? I, you know, that that's, I think it's just different strokes for everybody, right? But that's just kind of our dynamic anyway.
00:33:26
Speaker
um But yeah, so I think the main thing is staying busy, because you know, it's it is a two year process, at least a two year process. That's everything goes right. And you're on a and you're on the right timeline. And you know the first cycle works and on and on all these all these other things but sure um you know there's going to be roadblocks and there's going to be all kinds of different challenges um and you can either choose to just get over it or you can choose to get upset about it and and try to focus on something that you can't control and it's going to drive you crazy so
00:33:59
Speaker
You know, for anybody that's thinking about doing it, if you're not, at least one of you, ah ability to calm the other one. And then to let it go. if you're If you're both full of anxiety and you're and you're both going to try to control everything, you know, and maybe ah maybe have a family member help you sit in on those calls. I don't know. like yeah um But it's it's going to be a long road like if you if you don't have somebody that can just you know, see the forest and the trees and just calm down.
00:34:26
Speaker
So yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, it right. Like it is, it's trying so hard to control an uncontrollable situation and that's only just gonna make things just, just tough, just really hard.
00:34:38
Speaker
You mentioned a family member. What was family support like through all of this for you guys? So we actually kept it very hush hush. Really? Yeah. So we had like mentioned it to people, but we weren't like going out of our way to like bringing up our family functions.
00:34:52
Speaker
because I'm extremely paranoid. i was like, if we jinx we're screwed. So we didn't tell anyone. There we go. We're not putting in the bad juju. We're going to keep it. Yes. Overall, I was like, but don't say a word.
00:35:04
Speaker
So I think we kept it pretty hush hush. I mean, like my brother knew and then Scott's family knew as well. Well, I mean, obviously my my brother and sister all knew because they were helping us through the journey, right? like Sure. you know So I have one brother. Zach has an identical twin ah who's who's an a nurse, and then he has an older brother and and older sister. so And, you know, Zach was raised Catholic, so that family's a bit more conservative. Yeah. Yeah. So, like ah but you know, he he had only come out like a year prior to us, like, starting um really our journey.
00:35:36
Speaker
So I'm just saying. Yeah. Eh, whatever. It's a year. So... You guys... Listeners, if you're not, if you're only listening, need you to come and I need you to watch.
00:35:47
Speaker
This is hilarious. Exactly. Um, Scott. Actually, let me check my calendar right here. love it. There's an anniversary.
00:35:58
Speaker
There's a reminder. No, I love it. That's so great. No, but that is a thing to navigate, though. I love that you're bringing that up, though, because I think, you know... and I'll come out of this from my perspective.
00:36:09
Speaker
I've been a surrogate and that was one of the what are your ethical thoughts on all of this?
00:36:20
Speaker
And I think the first time I got that question, I was like, I don't think I quite understand what you're asking me. i Right? Like, i don't I don't think I understand. So... i I tended to respond usually in a sarcastic and you know not yeah not educational way.
00:36:36
Speaker
um Then, now I educate, but then I was like, I i don't understand. But how did you, I mean, that can be, that's the reality for so many, Zach, like you, not only did you have like, hi, I'm you know umm coming out, so yeah i'm you know, you're well the religious background of that is a thing. I'm sorry, go.
00:36:55
Speaker
I literally had um decided to come out i was like, well, i want to have a baby. So it's time. Like it's time to like, hey, we're to get this out. Cause we weren't even married until a year into the process. And we were on a phone call with the lawyers and they're like, we're going to need proof of your marriage license.
00:37:11
Speaker
And we're like, excuse us, marriage license. And they're like, yeah like your marriage license. So we can go through and finish all of the paperwork. And we're like, we're not married. And they're like, oh, in order to do this, you have to be married. We just assumed.
00:37:23
Speaker
So we went out to a courthouse that Surprise! We got married. and then brought to birth certificate kit and send a picture of it and that's how we got married is like well i mean and but here's the thing though like we were always going to get married we didn't get married just for that just we you you know we were planning on having a wedding we just used those resources instead to have a baby and who cares about a wedding i mean at least that was our prerogative right i you're gonna spend 60 80 000 ready to come eat all your food and drink all your wine and crash your wedding or you can have baby right Oh my gosh, you guys are hilarious.
00:37:56
Speaker
You're throwing me. Hold on. So wait, I love that Zach, you had like your Scott pragmatic moment of like, okay, I need to have a baby, which means it's time for my family to know. Like we're very like, I don't hear anxiety. I hear means to an end. Oh, that's right. I gotta get around to this.
00:38:12
Speaker
um I love this so much. So, okay. You had just like, you come out to your family then. And now, we're, we're doing this. Like now we're having a baby.
00:38:24
Speaker
How did you, and, and then, oh, hi, by the way, now we're married. yeah How did you kind of navigate, you know, what that, what that looks like as far as just your family relationship?
00:38:35
Speaker
dynamic and explaining, you know, and just, and just working through kind of, I guess the quote ethics behind like donation and what that is, because I, a, I, that's not just unique to LGBTQ. That's unique to just the world of a lot of people when it comes to donation.
00:38:52
Speaker
Cause I know. So my dad, he's very dim on talk about it. He was like, let's just glaze over this, pretend like it's not happening, which was fine. I have to explain something you're not to understand. So my mom was like, so I think she'd seen too many Lifetime movies.
00:39:05
Speaker
She's like, what if the woman tries to steal the baby? What if the egg donor wants to come and get the baby afterwards? She was like so paranoid about like all these crazy things she'd seen on TV, which valid, I get it. That's probably happened to someone. But I was like, that's not what normally happens. This process happens every single day for tons of people.
00:39:20
Speaker
It will be okay. And it is okay. You know, like so far no one's come to come and steal a baby. Yeah, that's why we have the whole like lawyer thing. Yeah, lawyer I would say that my siblings were just like super excited. They're like, okay, this is great. They all ironically, we started. and then a year later, they, my older sister, or my older brother both had daughters.
00:39:38
Speaker
So now my mom has three granddaughters under a year old and she just loves it. She thinks a cool thing. All three grandbabies born within the same year. It's fantastic. Oh, I love it. And like I said, you know his family, our families couldn't be more different. Our upbringing is different. right He was raised Catholic, minor liberal hippies, you know, and all and all the things that come with all those differences. Right.
Welcoming Andy: Family Evolution and Support
00:40:03
Speaker
So ah it's I just think it was such a nice if we needed to go one way, we knew whether to go to his family or go to my family's. Right. We
00:40:11
Speaker
Because we we had, in a but I still think all the support around is his family to my, um maybe not shock, but I guess to my to my pleasure, has come around very quickly, right? His mother's been down here a couple times to babysit and he's been down there to to see them and they're always checking in on us and they've bought us all kinds of cribs and like a $2,000 snoo thing. Oh my gosh, yeah, that thing clutch, honestly.
00:40:36
Speaker
we did So again, they've been very supportive, where initially you just, you don't know, right? Because it cause is. Anytime you bring in, you know, beliefs that are very strong within people's upbringings in life and da da da, you know, you just never know how they're go to react. But I'm just happy for Zach that they've that they've really leaned into it and they've been there and they've been a great support. so And I'm also happy for Andy, right? I mean, Andy, again, that's the that increases her bubble around her. Yeah.
00:41:04
Speaker
Well, that's beautiful. And that's wonderful that you...
00:41:10
Speaker
you know, you, you kind of went into it with like the, okay, I've got to check this box because like there's things to do. And then you end up having, you know, being pleasantly surprised and now having this support system that is celebrating you and showering you and showering Andy and, and, you know, all of that. And I love, I mean, at the end of the day, right? Like,
00:41:32
Speaker
she's here and all of the the ways that she got here are celebrated and you know and should it be but i think exactly to your point zach from the beginning of there's no stigma behind this this is yeah this is your story i was like this is the world we have and this is what's going on because i remember i'm the youngest child so for me even just telling my parents i was having a baby they thought i was like a teen parent thirty s When they had kids, so they're like, Oh my gosh, if you're a child having like, my mom was like, how can my baby be having a baby that like makes no sense.
00:42:04
Speaker
So to her, I think one of the biggest things she was like, you're just so young. i don't know if you should be having a baby so young. I'm like, well, I'm older than you were when you had kids. And she's like, well, that was a long time ago. That was like 26 years. I was like, that's still not that long. like and well But that was very interesting that I did not see coming at all.
00:42:22
Speaker
I love it. um we we we surprised her i went to texas and exit' seen them and and while you know post covidvin or thing got busy with work and just hadn't been there in a while So we show up and she's 71 and she'll always remind you of how old she is. You know, she's a she's a she's a she's a she's a that age.
00:42:46
Speaker
yeah And so we get there and we're standing in the kitchen and we're like, I have my nephew announced he brings over the sonogram of where Andy has her very first little, you know, nuggets on a ground.
00:42:57
Speaker
Yeah. And, you know, he announces, oh, we're pregnant. She's like, oh my gosh, that's so exciting. And then I was like, so what else do you have to say? And then he points to his mom, my sister-in-law, and says, she like she's carrying it. And my mother throws herself on the floor starts screaming, no!
00:43:16
Speaker
What? And has this dramatic breakdown about- About how Hannah like shouldn't be like carrying the baby. And everybody just standing around looking like, what is happening right now? And you know I'm like, oh my gosh.
00:43:33
Speaker
um So she got on board really quickly after that. Oh my god! She had her moment. Then 10 minutes later, she's like, I i said this. I said du you guys should have been doing this all along. And we're like, you just threw yourself on the ground and had a tantrum for like...
00:43:50
Speaker
10 minutes and now you're like, whoa, what flip. Oh my God. Yeah. It was like that. She'd seen too many lifetime movies and she was like, this is too close to home. And she also, you know, doesn't have like a good understanding of like genetics. So I think she thought Hannah was also going to be the biological mother.
00:44:06
Speaker
I was about to ask, was that where the confusion was? Yeah. Even to this day, we still have to correct her when she's talking. Like, no, no, no, Hannah is not the biological parent. She carried Andy Jo for us, but she's not biologically tied to her at all.
00:44:21
Speaker
So the funny thing is, is you there's just a lot of generations that come into play here, right? You have a baby boomer, then Zach's parents are different, then it's Gen Z, millennial. You have all these different generations trying to figure out a process, right? And there's all these different, like Zach's, there's some of that are stigmas, right?
00:44:39
Speaker
Sure. So working through all that, through every different generational view, of was was fun for me because i was everybody's just like, they're all crazy. Like, whatever. I love it.
00:44:50
Speaker
This could not be getting any more juicy and better for me. was just enjoying it. It's like, cause, cause we're doing it regardless. We're just letting you know, you can be part of the process. We're not asking for your opinion. And that's the best way to go into it.
00:45:02
Speaker
I am not asking your permission and I'm not asking your opinion. No. It's like, I'm so glad that was how you did things. That's I'm so glad that's how you see the world, but that's not how we're doing it. So. Yeah. Do you guys like still and maybe then like did it ever just become too much to feel like you you were like, oh my gosh, I just this I guess kind of like the bearer of like needing to educate. Like has that ever been?
00:45:27
Speaker
i wouldn't say so. I feel like. Scott is more of a, I said it, so that's fact. Like, I don't need, we don't need to explain anything versus me. I'll like start off with an explanation and Scott's like, get to the point. Just tell him.
00:45:40
Speaker
And I think that's like, we're kind of a good marriage in that way of like, I'm really down to explain every last detail versus cost. Like I said it. So it is, you know, it's like not that big of a deal. And I, yeah. Like go, go, if you're interested, go look it up. Right. And I'll tell you about it later when I have time, but like, this is like, i don't, I don't need to teach a class on it.
00:45:57
Speaker
I got it. So, you know, but I mean, through the whole thing, right? I mean, it was it was nothing but but joy. Like outside of just that, if you look at it from 30,000 feet, bird's eye view, if you go back and look at everything, ah just there's no point to get frustrated or or anything else. and And we didn't, right? We just, we just kind of took it a step by step. And I really enjoyed the process. I'm chomping at the bit to to go again. So I love it.
00:46:23
Speaker
Oh my gosh, Andy, you're so fresh. You're already looking at being a big sister. love it. Five embryos left too. So we had a good little, you guys had a great cycle.
00:46:34
Speaker
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, it's wonderful that, you know, You, you were having all of these big, personal, huge things happening simultaneously while you're building your family.
00:46:47
Speaker
I mean, there's there's so much, there's there's so much there. What, i guess maybe, you know, Andy's now here, our sweet little star who I'm assuming is snoozing right now. Um, love it. Way to go, girl. Um,
00:47:04
Speaker
What do you want Andy to know about her story? Because Zach, from the very beginning, I mean, you've kind of had this like, we're, there's no stigma. We're celebrating all of this. Like we are proud. Like what does that look like for her?
00:47:18
Speaker
Well, right now I'm currently working on her baby book, which is the, we're calling it the group project. Everything from day one when we sent our first email up to when she's born. and then after she's born, I'm going to have like a normal or baby book that explains like year one of her life.
00:47:35
Speaker
But I'm going do more detail like, this is how we met, you know, Auntie Morgan. This is how we decided that Hannah was going to carry you. So I'm just going to be like a little more of an in-depth thing. So when she's older and she has a question, maybe we're not so sharp 10 years down the road on what all went down and I have right there for her. So that's really, I think our big, like let's write it all down. So we all have it. So I, cause know, time is horrible on the brain.
00:47:58
Speaker
So I just want to make sure we have it all in one spot that she can read and like, this is how I got here. And it's a nice, easy flow for her. Yeah. What? So you, you guys had kind of already mentioned it, you know, ah during the cycle, you weren't, you know, you had kind of said, Hey, like the boundary that we're putting in place is, you know, we will,
00:48:17
Speaker
meet Morgan or talk to Morgan or kind of open up that that communication when there's a baby on board. what How has that relationship evolved from, you know, Scott being like, nope, I don't even, like, nope, absolutely not, to all of a sudden you said, Zach, you're like, all right, we're reaching out on the DSR and now we're chatting away.
00:48:40
Speaker
And I think, Scott, you said she came to the hospital. I mean, what was all of that? Yeah. I will say it was, we did it once. I think he was smart and like, okay, we're not going to really tell, because we barely even told family members that we were having a baby, right? So like he was like- Well, sure.
00:48:55
Speaker
We have people throwing themselves on the floor and you know, yeah, it's a lot. And then once we met her, I was like- oh once we met her i was like It was very coy. Like I like messaged her on the database. It was like, oh, hey, like we're having a baby. Like, thank you so much for everything. And we chatted that way. And then sure she had said something about she was coming home from Orlando. and I was like, oh, that's so crazy because we live in Florida.
00:49:18
Speaker
And it was like, oh, wow, what a small world. or are the odds of that? And then I asked if she would like to see a sonogram picture.
Balancing Personal Boundaries and Expanding Relationships
00:49:24
Speaker
But the database doesn't let you send pictures people. Sure. I was like, if you're comfortable, like we could like text, email, whatever you're most comfortable with. And she sent me her phone number. I was like, oh, we're in. Like she wants a relationship as bad as i want one.
00:49:37
Speaker
And it was everything from there. Because once we, Andy came five weeks early. So we had planned to have her come to the Airbnb. We were renting in Texas and like come and meet her. But then I was like, rented a queue. And I had messaged her. i was like, would you like to come tomorrow to the hospital?
00:49:51
Speaker
And she was like, absolutely. And so she was there, I think what, two days after Andy was born? Yeah, yeah. wow she and she She came, ah I think, two or three times. yeah um I think she was there two days after. I think she came the last day before we went home.
00:50:06
Speaker
And then she's coming to next month for Zach's birthday. To her out. Yeah. So really is like you're building a family like we got so many more family members than we ever would have expected. you know, we were expecting a little baby. But, you know, it's gotten us closer to my family, to Scott's family, to Morgan and her family. it's just such a beautiful experience. And your family grows so much because i always say in the gay community,
00:50:32
Speaker
You build your family, you pick your family. It's more of a chosen family. And it's really shown through in this process where we have chosen our family and it's a beautiful process. Because I was ready to un-choose some people. i was like, okay, let's just get, I'm looking, I'm looking for a reason.
00:50:47
Speaker
I've been looking for a reason for 10 years, okay? I'm dying. Like I will un-choose your ass like right now. love a boundary.
00:50:58
Speaker
I love a boundary, Scott. Yes. You've already said it, Scott, right? Like you kind of had this idea and this vision and these thoughts and you know, the this, you, you were protected. You were coming at it from this, you know, this certain perspective that you had already built. And then the minute you meet her, you're like, who wouldn't want to love this kiddo? And why wouldn't I want her circle to grow and just have more people loving in on this little nugget?
00:51:23
Speaker
Like support through this process can look so different for so many. And you do get to have to you know to quote what Zach said, you have your chosen family.
00:51:34
Speaker
And then you guys still had your, you know, came into the world family and everybody kind of got there at their own pace. And that's beautiful. And at the end of the day, I mean, you have that sweet little precious bundle and cute aggression. oh And at the end of the day, all the other BS, whatever, and there's always some kind of something in life, right? Someone always has something to say.
00:51:59
Speaker
There's always something or or you don't feel good or or people are going to come and go and and lose jobs or get jobs. it Life goes on, right? But then at the end of the day, then it all becomes about um about her experience and what her life is going to be.
00:52:13
Speaker
ah Not to say you give up your life, right? You you don't do that. But um as anybody that's ever been a new parent or expecting to be a parent, it just, it changes so quickly the dynamic of just how you live your life, right?
00:52:25
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and I think it's so beautiful that, you know, again, kind of going back to like this theme of, you know, Scott, you came at this from, I'm going to protect my family. I'm going to protect, you know, this future baby. i'm going to protect, you know, Andy and her story. And Zach, it was so important to you to, you're going to know your story. You're going to know that, you know,
00:52:46
Speaker
that love of sushi comes from, ah you know, this place and, you know, just just all of that. And I think it's so beautiful that you're celebrating each and every one of these, just all of these parts and ingredients that have created, you know, Andy and now her story.
00:53:05
Speaker
And I feel like that's just when, I think that's just some of the magic between, you know, just building your family in this way and then also some of that magic with having that, you know,
00:53:16
Speaker
choosing to go known and having that wonderful family that steps up and says, you know, Hey, I want to you know, be the, the oven for your bun sort of situation. Right. Like, I mean, it's beautiful. And you guys have done such an amazing job of navigating that and taking your, you know, going about it in like a, what will be, will be,
00:53:39
Speaker
taking our early morning walks and easing our anxiety. I mean, every single point of y'all's experience and journey has, you know, led to this sweet little angel. Oh my goodness.
00:53:52
Speaker
And all of that should be celebrated. and And I think that's where where I can look back on it. And Zach and I, ah like, you know, people think, oh, my God, they're they're fighting. We bicker all the time. or what is like thats just It's a beautiful. No, I love it.
00:54:06
Speaker
I'm here for it. That's our love language. But the one thing we never did through this process is we never got frustrated each other. We never got mad at each other. We never said, well, your view is wrong and my view is right. And that's the only maybe I did once or twice. I'll own it.
00:54:20
Speaker
But, ah you know, we we never, ah we held each other accountable to the process, but we never gave each other flack for it if we disagreed with what their view was on it.
00:54:31
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, it's Zach and Andy's story, and it's me and Andy's story, and it's Andy's story, and it's... There's a lot that goes into it and we just, uh, I think we learn to appreciate each other a lot more through the process. Um, even if we didn't always agree, cause you don't always have to agree.
00:54:47
Speaker
Um, and, but you know, I, I think you both, you know, you just warm up to the idea and you just figured out as you go. but it's, if anything, it's really helped our relationship get so much stronger.
00:54:59
Speaker
Um, You know, and and now we, you know, we were already thick as thieves and I was never going to let him out of this marriage no matter what. Beautiful. like Yeah, I was never going to sign the papers, people, in case you're wondering why didn't he divorce that guy? it was It was never going to happen.
00:55:14
Speaker
It's not an option, friends. Not an option.
00:55:18
Speaker
No, I think that's beautiful. And I think that's a great just summation of, you know, what this process can be like when, because yes, at the end of the day, you know, you may not always agree, but you can get to a mutual ah respect of one another. And, and that's just in, in general, right? Like as you're navigating family members, learning about this process and,
00:55:39
Speaker
you know, navigating education and, you know, as you get to navigate what it looks like to, you know, for Andy to hear her story and then for her to share her story. And, you know, I can already tell Scott's going to be like, what it is, is it is going to be Andy. You don't, no, you don't need to give an explanation.
00:55:55
Speaker
Exactly. And like I even we were out somewhere and Andy has red hair like me, which is fantastic. Absolutely. And someone walks up, this, you know, innocent woman, she's like, oh my gosh, she looks just like you and you know she's not biologically related to me at all and i just go to start saying something and scott's like doesn't he don't they look just alike and i was like he's right i you don't need to give people like this long explanation every single time just take the compliment and keep keep it pushing you know and i really go Because at the end of the day, we picked Morgan because she looked a lot like you. Y'all could be family, right? can be brother or sister whatever. So um I'm happy about that, right? ah the The reality is is Andy's probably going to get a lot more years with Zach probably than she went with me, right? I'm i'm older.
00:56:39
Speaker
And I want them to – that was what was very important to me. You always say that song. I know. I'm serious. so dark. It's so dark. But it's – He's very pragmatic.
00:56:51
Speaker
hear it. I hear the reality. hear it. It's reality, people. Okay? Guys, it's science. Okay? It's science. Zach knows science. I hear him knows science. C. Wright is pretty good these days. so i But I hear what, no, I hear your sentiment.
00:57:08
Speaker
I hear your sentiment, Scott. You had this, you know, like, hey, this is important. We're looking ahead to things. No, I hear it. And again, like those, exactly to your point, you know, the the random person that you meet on the street is not owed that explanation. And that is okay. And it's your story to tell when you're ready to tell it and how you tell it. And I love that you guys are coming at it from this place of just celebration and owning it and loving it and just, you know, being so proud of...
Advice for Prospective Parents: Embracing Uncertainty
00:57:36
Speaker
your little family that you've created. You have made room for each other as you're navigating each point of this journey and room for made room for everybody else's, you know, kind of perspective didn't need their opinion, didn't ask for their opinion, but you made room for it. yeah And, you know, and, and that's beautiful. mean, again, right. Like at the end of the day, it ended up now Andy has just this beautiful village and all of these people that are just loving on her. And it's, it's amazing.
00:58:10
Speaker
I have two more questions for you. If you could give, any advice and you kind of have already sprinkled little nuggets throughout but if you could give any advice to any parent who is thinking about going through the egg donation process whether it's you know looking at unidentified versus known or really just the egg donation process in general even, you know, maybe specifically LGBTQ, what advice would you wanna give to a parent as they're kind of figuring this out?
00:58:47
Speaker
I mean, it's, I've already kind of let the cat out of the bag a little bit, right? It's, if I had to have, ah the the most significant thing for me is don't be afraid to start. um and And it's kind of three part, right? And maybe it's all mixed one, but don't be afraid to start.
00:59:03
Speaker
If you're not comfortable with a team that's around you, uh, including your spouse or their family or your family or the, uh, the egg donor solutions folks that you pick, if you're not comfortable with any part of that pause and and do something else, right? You're about to make a ah commitment for the rest of your life to, to bring another human into this world.
00:59:23
Speaker
You want to make sure that you have a solid the whole way through, but I would say, you know, relax, don't try to own the process. You have to pick the right team around you. um and And just eyes wide open, right? You can't put your head in the sand and just think, well, the statistics won't matter to me, or it's not going to cost me $80,000. I can have done for 50. Like, just don't, you know, be practical, right? it's And kind of like home remodel. If you're going to cut corners, this is not the thing to cut corners on.
00:59:51
Speaker
It's not. And the way I looked at it, and it sounds so bad probably, but I looked at it as a home remodel, right? You need to figure out what your cost is and add 20%. There you go. That's really what it was, right? Figure out what you think it's going to cost and then add 20% to it.
01:00:05
Speaker
um But for me, I look at it as I've made, you know, And I can look at it in my story, not me and Zach's, whatever, but just my story. Like I made it through this process. Would I do it again?
01:00:19
Speaker
And if I could go back in two years to April of 2023, would I start that process again, knowing what I know now? Hell yeah. um Because we pick the right people, you know, Amanda and y'all's company led us, you know, really from not knowing what the hell we were doing to where we feel like, we we you know, I feel like we could, you know, ah write a book on it and do it. So, um but for me, the the the one thing that through it all that I think led me through where I think I would do it again is you just, you cannot, know,
01:00:55
Speaker
You just cannot try to control what you can't control. And I think that's just anything in life, really. um There was this movie years ago with Tom Hanks. It was Bridge of Spies. And he gets caught.
01:01:06
Speaker
And he's sitting in a room with a with another guy, who whichever side of the table he's on. And he asked the guy, you know a spy, you know aren't you worried? And the guy said, well, would it change anything?
01:01:18
Speaker
me sitting in this room with you getting caught as a spy you're asking me if i'm worried well would it change anything sure that's always in my mind that part of that movie stuck out for me and i've kind of lived that way in my life of why would i worry it's not going to change anything like what's going to be is going to be and you just have to just you have to do the best you can you got to put your best out there and hope you get the best back yeah no that's beautiful and i love that you felt i mean the fact that you would say i feel like i could write a book now I love that you have felt so empowered throughout the process two you knew what was coming and you had so much trust in that you had taken the time to build a team that you trusted so you could set back and be on that side of the table and say,
01:02:04
Speaker
You know, I can't worry. maybe it's a Maybe it's like a short graphic novel. don't know, book. Maybe a short graphic novel. Maybe like a pop-up book. There you go.
01:02:15
Speaker
There you go. Like you, me, and who? Like in Pop Little Dinosaur. Pop a book. Oh gosh. pop-up book. Because her theme is dinosaurs. Like build like a whole dinosaur theme into something. don't I'm going to make some notes. Yeah. There you go. Perfect. Perfect. I can already see your wheels turning.
01:02:30
Speaker
What about you, Zach? What would be your advice? From like the LGBTQ
Overcoming Doubts About Family Acceptance
01:02:34
Speaker
plus community side of things is, and Scott had said this too, when I asked like, why didn't you have kids at like a younger age? He always said, it just seems so like impossible.
01:02:42
Speaker
But once we were together and we had the house and the dogs, it suddenly seemed like a real possibility for us. And I remember when I told my dad I was gay. He said, well, congrats, you're giving up the best things in life. You'll never have a family. won't have any of those things. I was like, we had already kind of started this process a little bit. So I was like, well, he's wrong, but I'm going let him have his moment and just prove him wrong about it.
01:03:03
Speaker
And we did. And like, he loves Andy and he loves how it is now. But like, I think for him, it was that shock. And for a lot of people, it seems like, well, everything you've seen in the movies or that you've wanted your whole life is out the window, but it's not, it's always obtainable.
01:03:16
Speaker
even if you have to save like 20 years for it, it's completely worth it and totally a possibility. Yeah. would the big take home is. Yeah, and you know, everybody has an opinion.
01:03:26
Speaker
oh i mean, you know, go online. Everybody wants to sit behind ah a keyboard or a computer whatever or a cell phone and have an opinion about something. Sure. And, ah you know, his dad was coming from a place of love. Love for Zach, right?
01:03:43
Speaker
Yeah. He had grown up and experienced something. That was his perspective of things. Well, sure. Because he has a very different perspective. But that was truly, he thought he was being nice to me in that moment, you know? but Yeah, I don't know. But I mean, as I sit here, I think also the thing for us is we and we talked a lot about this and I think maybe I'll change my number one piece of advice from from what I've said in the past to just start right like just start because we talked about.
01:04:09
Speaker
Okay, because we wanted to plan it out so perfectly, right? Well, if we do it in six months, we'll have blank. and if we do it six months, we'll do this. And finally, Zach and I just said, you know what? It's never going to be the perfect time because it's never going to be the perfect time.
01:04:24
Speaker
ah Tomorrow turns into to to yesterday, and then you just keep going. or And it's just... uh, it's going to take forever to do it if you don't just start.
01:04:35
Speaker
So I think, uh, and that's true of anything, start going to the gym, start a better diet, start a new job, whatever you want to do is just start. Um, and then whatever comes, I think then after you start the process, then you let it go.
01:04:51
Speaker
Right. And you just cause you can't control the journey beyond that. Yeah, Zach, I think it's amazing that you made room for your dad's perspective and made room for just acknowledging what his reality was.
01:05:09
Speaker
And i just want to honor that because I think it's so easy to hear. i mean, my initial reaction when I hear something like that is, oh my gosh, how hurtful, how awful, what, you know, that's horrible.
01:05:22
Speaker
And i love that you said he came from a place of love. It wasn't because he didn't love me. It was because he thought this dream wasn't going to be a reality for me. And that is, that is so big.
01:05:39
Speaker
that is just so big because I think there's a lot of people who really struggle with not knowing how to have those conversations with people and, you know, being, being afraid to have those conversations and,
01:05:51
Speaker
You know, i again, I mean, yeah, you had kind of already said we had started the process. And so you knew he was wrong. But I love that you made room for that. And you didn't let that hold you back from your plans.
01:06:04
Speaker
You just started. Yeah. You just got started. I mean, he was great about that. He just called some random clinic in New York one day and was like, we'd like an appointment. and Amazing. that we did Amazing. things later yeah You know, it turns out it was the absolute wrong play. And then Zach's like, let me, Zach's like, let me take it from here. Okay. Like you obviously don't have, yeah. Hold my beer. Let me take this from here.
01:06:26
Speaker
There we go. There we go. Well, you started somewhere and I'm glad you ended up in a better spot.
Cherishing the Present and Family Moments
01:06:36
Speaker
Oh my gosh. Well, you guys, my last question for you. um And it's a fun one for, for anyone who knows me and you guys have seen me just sipping on my coffee this whole time.
01:06:46
Speaker
i'm Coffee and i I, am very codependent on her. And i always love to ask the question, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what's been the thing that has filled your cup today?
01:07:01
Speaker
Oh my gosh. I would say, All of us being at the park today, we were walking around. it was our first time being there as a family with the dogs. And it was just crazy for all the times we talked about wanting to do it and be like, oh my gosh, like, let's hope this transfer takes. Let's hope we make it to this next trimester.
01:07:16
Speaker
And then we were there with her today. i just couldn't, like my brain couldn't wrap around. it I was like, how are we, where did all the time go? Like, where has the last two years gone? Like, I'm just so happy and fortunate to be in this spot today.
01:07:27
Speaker
and it was the best, it was all worth it. All the stress, all the anxiety that just totally filled my c cup up. And it was amazing. Yeah. Oh, dream turned reality.
01:07:38
Speaker
Mine's a bit more mushy, I think. I woke up when Zach was still asleep and he's doing bed sleeping with Andy, even though we said we weren't going to do it. um you know Everyone has a right to change their mind. Every day I wake up, where's Andy? Right on Zach's chest. Nustled into his long hair.
01:07:57
Speaker
so cozy. I wake up, you know, whatever, king-size bed. Our two Dalmatians have been sleeping in bed with us since we we got them. We got a full house. Yeah, I wake up. The house is quiet at 6 a.m. The sun's just coming up in Florida.
01:08:13
Speaker
ah And it's Zach laying there cooing with Andy laying there cooing on him and our dog sitting there sleeping. And I just kind of, you just take a moment. Right. And you just realize work doesn't matter.
01:08:26
Speaker
Bills don't matter. Politics, all the all the bullshit going on ah in the world just doesn't really matter. Everything we need is right here in this house.
01:08:38
Speaker
We have a roof. We got food in the fridge. We got, you know, everything that matters was in that room this morning.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
01:08:46
Speaker
I love that you both got to have those moments of reflection and just, and because you're right, Scott, I mean, it's so easy to, you know, okay, it's time to get up. We got to get going. It's time to feed. It's time to, we got to get work. We got to you know, you just go, go, go, go. And it's been go, go, go for two years of, you know, just even getting Andy here and, you know, to get to have those quiet moments or to look around amongst the chaos and realize that
01:09:13
Speaker
this was that thing that I had been waiting for. It's amazing. It's amazing. You guys, thank you so much for just sharing your story and all of the advice and getting to show off little Andy. She's so cute. Oh my gosh. And she's having her little snack. Oh my gosh. She's milk drunk.
01:09:31
Speaker
She's so milk drunk right now. Oh my goodness. Yes. Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who.
01:09:43
Speaker
We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You, and Who podcast community.
01:09:56
Speaker
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01:10:07
Speaker
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01:10:32
Speaker
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01:10:49
Speaker
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