David's One-Shot: Railway To Heaven

Transcript

Speaker: Go for it. All right. So, hey, guys, welcome to the Role Players podcast. Woo. All right. So today we have a special one shot. It's a dystopian Wild West. i You'll find out if if you if you listen.

Speaker: Joining us today, we have ah who do we have? We have you have Adam. Right. Yeah. Who are you playing here? Want to talk about character? Sure. I don't know much yet, but all I know is I'm playing a character called, his name is Grambles McGillicuddy.

Speaker: He is an elven man. um He ah has a very special bow and arrow and quiver that's always on his back. He wears like green clothes with like a gray vest over top of his shirt, and every now and then he rocks like a green and silver duster when it gets extra dirty and hot outside.

Speaker: And ah I am playing the playbook, The Flake. And you'll find out why he's a flake as time goes on, probably. All right. That's Grambles McGillicuddy. Cool.

Speaker: What about... Never mind. How about you, Cass?

Speaker: I'm playing Pip. And she has her familiar bat named Stella. because in Italian, Pipstrella, or Pipstrello means bat.

Speaker: So I made a play off of that. Interesting. And she is she's the spell slinger. Cool. What kind of spells is she slinging?

Speaker: You know, she she sets out some some necromantic spells and some some wind spells, obviously, because she has her bat and the bat has very powerful wings.

Speaker: um And then she likes to do like regular just magic. All right, cool. I'm into it. All right. All right. Tell about this world that you've written ah that you spent hours writing.

Speaker: um It's okay. So it is an unknown year. It's in the future. And you can kind of think it's a you know it's a little dystopian. Okay. ah So just a little spoilery, I guess. But there is basically modern technology combined with stuff you might see out of the 1800s well as...

Speaker: as well as a magic because magic is magic is great to have with guns in my opinion it just goes really well um but uh i think we i kind of just want to jump into it is that is that cool with you guys yeah man we're we're here for it all right and you know how this how is this going to start ah what other way than a discord call

Speaker: That's right. This word around 200 years or whatever. Unknown amount of time in the future. Still going strong. Love it. Fantastic. And, uh, all right. So, we'll start with, uh, Cass.

Speaker: You're going to get a call from, uh, from, uh, Drake, uh, Blancer. Is that why you're asking me how to do an Australian accent?

Speaker: Is it Blake Dancer's cousin? No, Blake Dancer has been dead for hundreds of years. Well, I mean, it could be like a Futurama thing where, you know, he was held into cryostasis and now he's in the future.

Speaker: never know. His name is Drake Blancer, is that what you said? Drake Blancer. ah no relation. She's going to look at her phone and go, oh, yeah, Blake, what can I do for you?

Speaker: hi Cass. So, um... ah did you Did you make it to ah to to new Salt Lake City?

Speaker: In time for the job? Are you there yet? Hello? Like, of course. I had Stella. She like flew us there. It didn't take us that long. She's like amazing.

Speaker: Cool. All right. So um I'm going to need you to find somebody in town yeah you're going to be working with. ah His name is... ah what's your what's it Adam, what's your character's name again?

Speaker: name is Grambles McGillicuddy. Ah, yes. Checks notes. Grambles McGillicuddy. Okay. um And I think he's wearing a ah green vest or something like that. ah And yeah, you're going to be working with him today. Okay.

Speaker: And that's when i'm I'm paying you to do that. And ah once you get once you find him, because I've tried calling him and he won't answer his phone. Okay. so so Where am I like supposed to meet him at here? This is like the weirdest place I have ever seen. Also, what's the job? like You never said anything. You just told me to get here.

Speaker: Don't ask questions. Please. Just go find him. You're so frustrating, Drake. Why don't you just marry me already? oh ah You know I can't do that. You know I'm already married.

Speaker: Damn it. Every time. Okay. um You hear Maxwell Steele in the background? No, i'm just kidding. I'm not doing that. Did you say

Speaker: So yeah, um Adam, I want to cut to you. So you just arrived in... ah For some reason, I got some vibes from your character that he just would not be very tech-savvy. but That is correct.

Speaker: Okay, so... i would... Do you think... Does he have a phone? Does he even have a phone? No, he smashed it when he learned that the the pigs could be listening to everything he says.

Speaker: Oh, and you mean like... When you say pigs... I mean literal pigs. Like the pigs that hang out in like brick houses and wood houses and stick houses, but also that hang out behind fences because they they have the humans thinking they need to be protected...

Speaker: Grambles knows better. Grambles knows better. OK. um So you're going to arrive. I'm gonna just going to jump. We're just going to like, I'm trying to, I'm kind of railroading you guys here.

Speaker: but um You know, while while Cass is on that call... Who's Cass? um Sorry, not Cass. Pip. um Do you mean Pip? I mean Pip, yes, of course.

Speaker: yeah anonymous You arrive into New Salt Lake City, which is um which is basically, like you if you can imagine, like and all the it's basically like an old western town. like ah like ah like ah there' There's like a saloon sheriff's office. and Yeah.

Speaker: um And as you arrive in, you see you see a three little pigs walk out of a saloon ah through the creaky doors.

Speaker: You see, brambles is like Grambles is like trying to sneak up behind one with his garrote ready. He's ready to wrap it around of their throats.

Speaker: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Bill, wait like what's this guy doing? You don't see me. I don't see you. you need to roll for that. You don't see anything I'm doing back here. No, he just says it to them when they look at him because he's crazy. He's like, you don't see me.

Speaker: I'm invisible. Anything you're looking at right now is just a figment of your imagination. Now get ready to be little sausages that go to sleep forever. To be little sausages?

Speaker: Help! He starts yelling for help. Grambles wraps a garrote around one of their necks and just just starts trying to saw his head off. Okay, I need to kick some ass for that. Alright, can do that. For First roll the game.

Speaker: I can do that. Just as you're just as ah Drake asks you to find i i Grambles, you hear a pig screaming bloody murder for help outside your window.

Speaker: i wouldn't... what I would never do... so what What am I doing? Am I kicking as on here Yeah, you're gonna kick some ass. Alright. Fuck, man, I rule like dog shit. I got a seven.

Speaker: Well, that's alright, because, uh... So, you're gonna get you're gonna grow one, and his his buddy is going to basically charge at you and knock you off him at the same time.

Speaker: Aw, dammit! Oh, I landed on my bow.

Speaker: You're gonna take one harm. Aw, dang. what What's my harm? What happened to me? So, as you got- you basically got- I'm not gonna say gored, but it basically got headbutted by one of the other pigs.

Speaker: And he got knocked about 15 feet in the other direction. hey what the hell? I thought you- what are you- what are you, training with the goat people? Huh? You got them hard heads all of a sudden? come on, Bill! Come on, Bill! Run! Run! Run! We're not becoming sausages today! Run!

Speaker: Run! They're firing a bow and arrow at him. Pew, pew, pew! It's the thrill of the hunt, boys! Pew!

Speaker: OW, MY ASS! It's the moment I came from!

Speaker: So that commotion happens. The pigs, unfortunately, Grambles, the pigs the pigs do manage to slip away. They were a little too greased up, you know? You know what, that's thems the ropes, you know? But like he feels like he's run him out of town. So he's like, you know what, this town is safe from you for now!

Speaker: Let everybody yeah know! he's this wife The exploits of Grambles McGillicuddy! What'd you say? but Were they wrestling with Chase's wife? ah They might have. We don't know. Chase's wife might be eternal. We don't know.

Speaker: I don't get it. They were all greased up, I figured. Well, yeah, David doesn't know Chase's wife. They're greased up. like that Whatever. All right.

Speaker: They're greased up. I don't get it. They like to get greased up and wrassled, you know? Yeah. yeah Yeah, totally. Yeah. And he met Chase's wife during my... That's true. He did meet a version of Chase's wife. and Yeah, that's right. Fuck you all.

Speaker: Fuck you all. Okay, so yeah. um Pip, you heard all that commotion outside, just as Drake's telling you to find him. And, you know, ah Drake actually sends you a picture ah to your phone.

Speaker: too Oh, what he's supposed to look like? Yes. And I would imagine you sitting there looking at the picture, you know, putting your something like that, right? Like I... Like moving your phone down, bring it back up, moving it down.

Speaker: ah feel like she's like in a like one of those roadside motels or whatever. And she's sitting by the window at at like the little tiny table and chairs that they always place right there.

Speaker: And she is just feeding her bat Stella like little pieces of mango and stuff because Stella loves mango. And she hears the commotion going on outside of the window.

Speaker: And I don't remember I described her. So she's like a 22-ish year old girl who has a very beautiful, large bat.

Speaker: And she's got a black t-shirt on with regular jeans and a leather belt. and a black leather duster.

Speaker: And, um, yep, that's what she said. So, and she looks out the window. She looks down at the picture on her phone. She's like, well, I found him.

Speaker: ah you found him, huh? Excuse me. Wow. Trick sounds fucked up. Uh, wait, you just say you found, you found grambles. Already? Yeah. Yeah. he um, he just tried to make himself breakfast apparently.

Speaker: So will go and find him, I guess. Or do you want me to stay on the phone with you can let us know what we're doing send me the text? you found him, um,

Speaker: if you found him um You're going to just want to you want to just go to the ah saloon in town there. i don't I don't remember exactly what it's called, but just go just just go there and um I believe ah believe somebody will talk to you.

Speaker: they'll they'll They'll recognize you. um And then they'll tell you more about this what is it? Checks notes? A job. gig.

Speaker: That's all they said. i don't know. She looks out the window again. There's like 12 saloons just on this one street and like nine churches. Can you be a little more specific?

Speaker: Well, OK, we can delete the churches from our process, right? So. Delete the churches. let me here. I got it. I got it.

Speaker: He presses key, presses a button on his end and all all but this saloon that you're supposed to go to disintegrate into into the disavaporate. Damn.

Speaker: What a power. Does that help you? Yeah, thanks. That's much more helpful. i The only saloon in town is the one that the pigs walked out of and the one that Grambles is outside of.

Speaker: While you have that conversation out the window, you see Grambles is giving them the finger and doing the fuck you arm. Usually you get tossed out of a saloon, but a couple of dudes come from the saloon and grab him and chuck him back into the saloon because they don't want him on the streets. Just like, get back in here.

Speaker: Yeah, you know what? I'll pick it. Yeah, that's exactly what happens. Grambles gets tossed onto his face into this like through the squeaky swinging doors the porn section. He's yelling, like, I'm ah i'm ah i'm a U.S. born citizen!

Speaker: I

Speaker: can just chuck him into the goddamn saloon. Oh, fuck. ah So, yeah, so i'm I'm in there already, just laying on the floor, whenever you get in there. All right.

Speaker: So she's going to grab Stella, set her on her shoulder, go out and meet him in the saloon. How big is Stella? She's large. She's, let me see. got to remember.

Speaker: imagine her being like five feet tall or something like that. You know, like they're like a human-sized bat, basically. Yeah, she's a giant golden crown flying fox. don't know if you know what those are, but it's literally the largest bat in the world.

Speaker: It can stand about three and a half to four feet. Sometimes it could actually be up to six feet, depending on... And you're putting that on your shoulder? Of course, yeah. Because on her shoulder, she feels like nothing. Because it's her familiar.

Speaker: oh okay. Cool. That's awesome. So you have a... your So like combined, you're kind of like seven feet tall or something? No, no, no, no, no. She, like, basically, like, attaches herself to her back, like, kind of like a backpack.

Speaker: So she'll have, like, her bottom legs around her waist, and then, like, she has her wings just kind of, like, wrapped around her back, and then her ah paws are holding onto her shoulders.

Speaker: Okay, so it's so the Vast is not perched like ah like and like ah like a hawk or something. No, no, no, no, no. It's more like, okay, it's on your back, basically. I got you. Yeah, she's like yeah she's like a little bat backpack.

Speaker: Okay, that's pretty ter that'd be pretty terrifying to see. Yeah. A bat backpack. Yeah, but Stella herself, she's only like four feet tall. So like um Pip, she's at least five seven so she's good.

Speaker: she she Yeah, she meets the height requirements for the saloon for sure. Yeah. You have to be this tall to enter to the saloon. You have to be this tall. You go there? Yeah, I go in. Alright, you push open the doors, the squeaky, squeaky, squeaky doors.

Speaker: Thank you. You're welcome. And you see Grambles i' just conked out. Conked the fuck out on the floor. What are you doing with him?

Speaker: Or are you dirtying everything? God, this is who I'm working with? She looks at Stella. This is who they send me Alright, well... I guess. She liked just kind of nudges her toe to his foot.

Speaker: And if she he doesn't wake up, she like kicks him really... like Not really hard, but like she kicks him just hard enough to kind of like gesture him awake. He jolts it, he goes, Bacon's the devil! Huh?

Speaker: The fuck you say about bacon? You heard me, whoever's talking to me. That's my cool friend. yeah Really tough guy stands up.

Speaker: Oh, you look like you're a really tough guy. he's about eight He's about eight feet tall. Whoa, are you eight feet tall? Yeah, yeah. Damn, that's a lot of feet. What do you got against bacon, huh?

Speaker: Oh, how much time you got there, buddy? I could tell you some stories. About bacon and the pigs and the goats too? Not to mention the cattle. Oh my god, we you think we lead them to the slaughter. Let me tell you what, the uprising is coming.

Speaker: Right. And you, the Bat Lady.

Speaker: She gives her that- or gives him that like eyebrows both go up like ex- What the fuck did I do? I just got here, look. Yeah, I see.

Speaker: Alright, you two, come with me. What did I do? Am I under arrest? No. She looks around like- You're here for the job, right? Oh, yeah.

Speaker: Okay, yeah. Is Grambles privy to the job? ah Yeah, I would say that he's contact- I would say that ah Drake Blanchard probably contacted him- i would say in person.

Speaker: Oh, wow. You met him in person? Nice. Yeah, exactly. That's the only way he'll meet. We haven't done that ever, you know? It's true. Yeah, Grambles is just like, if if you need to go home with me, you gotta find me.

Speaker: he Probably respects him. He's like, wow, you're good. You're good. You found me? Wow. Yeah, you're good. Okay. So yeah, so he knows the job. He knows he he's supposed to be on the job. Yes, he definitely knows he's supposed to be here. That's why he showed up.

Speaker: Does he know he's supposed to be meeting a girl with a bat? i He knows he's supposed to meet a girl. Not that she has a bat. Oh, okay. I should made that clear. My bad. ah you the Are you the girl I'm supposed to meet?

Speaker: I gotta introduce you to my ma first, make sure that she she has to approve. Oh, she's so pretty. She's great. Your ma gives a thumbs up through the door. Oh, by hey You're early!

Speaker: Here, honey! And she hands you a bag lunch. Oh, thank you so much! Okay, no wrestling with the pigs, okay? But Ma, that's my job! No, but... I'll beat your ass if I see you strangle another one of those!

Speaker: But Ma, I'm just trying to save everybody, Ma! She's gone. Ah, damn, she's good. she's She is good. She just disappeared. There was no animation. She just was there one second and then deleted out of memory.

Speaker: Ugh, I hope one day it'll be is as good good as my mom. Alright, you're alright with old Momsy. What's your name there, Batlady? Um, I'm Pip.

Speaker: Are you, uh, she looks at her phone again. Grambles? Grambles McGillicuddy, at your service. Pig hunter extraordinaire. The thrill of the hunt. What can I do for you? He extends a hand.

Speaker: She looks at it and, like, looks back up at him. Yes, um, nice to meet you. ah i know i'm I'm good. You've got pig grease all over that hand.

Speaker: Anyways. It's so I can blend in. Ew. My name is Pip, and this is Stella. She points to Stella. Stella, are you with the other animals?

Speaker: Are you cool? She doesn't talk. um She's my familiar. She's fine. Yeah. I got my eye on you, Stella. If that is your real name.

Speaker: Never met a bat that had a name before. Right. She's awesome. Anyways, so the guy in the back starts talking again. What voice was I doing for him? Oh, yeah. Okay, you two. So you're going to come with me.

Speaker: Come on. Okay. um This is for that job, right? Yes, it's for the job. Now shut up. Boys, lock the doors. Oh, shit.

Speaker: They lock the swinging saloon doors, but you could still easily crawl underneath them. And there's no privacy. um And he he beckons you you know back through the bar, um you know through the kitchen, into basically like an office.

Speaker: Can she investigate a mystery? Yeah, for sure. Cool digs you got here, bro. Thank you. I like your duster, too. I hope ah hope your character's wearing a duster. Actually, I didn't check...

Speaker: Fuck. ah You rolled a six on your investigate. have it in my arms right now because i don't want i get a 30 with all the grease. Yeah. Oh, I hear. And he hands you a he hands you a rag and, you know, soap and water to clean your nasty ass up.

Speaker: Oh, nice. Zest, my favorite.

Speaker: What did you want to ask, ah Pip? Or what did you want to ask? What is being concealed here? yeah she rolled a six. All right, so... Yeah. i would I'm just going to tell you the truth.

Speaker: There's really nothing being there's nearly nothing shady going on right now. Okay. To your surprise. It was the locking of the door behind me that had me sus. I'm watching you.

Speaker: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I just see you investigated a mystery there. Just have a seat. Have a seat right there, please. And he points to, you know, some... there's like It's a lovely little back room, you know, and...

Speaker: It's got a desk in it. um Nice mahogany, you know, to desk, which very ritzy for some reason, which doesn't really fit in with the area, but that's okay. i And, you know, very comfortable chair. There's two chairs in front of the desk that he's asking you to sit ah Okay.

Speaker: I also want to say, ah just for your own reference for my character, I have a skill called suspicious mind. It means if somebody lies to me, I know it. He isn't lying.

Speaker: No, I know. I mean, just for your future storytelling for the rest of the session, that if someone's fibbing, I'm going to know about it. All right. Alright, but yeah, I said um I'm tired. i just got into a fight with a bunch of pigs.

Speaker: Alright, the boss will be in a couple minutes. and he Wait, you're not the boss? No, not the boss. He's telling the truth. I'm going to do that after every sentence.

Speaker: He's telling the truth. He's lying. He's telling the truth. you know Yeah, maybe just tell me if he's lying. Or you can just say, Grambles, you're suspicious. I think I'll do the, yeah.

Speaker: and Grambles, you get your grambles senses tingling and something like that. Yeah, exactly. There you go I'm grambling right now. Oh, um but so yeah, so I sit down. I'm tired. I'm like wiping myself off with the zest soap and water.

Speaker: OK, I see Pip and Stella is typing. So. aye so ah

Speaker: I don't know. Pip, do you sit down or are you muted? I have to edit this She's like, I'm gonna i'm just going to stand if that's okay.

Speaker: Yeah, that's fine. All right. Boss. Boss. Where the hell is the boss? He's supposed to be here. God damn it, this did the pig Did the pigs get him? No. dude What do you have against pigs?

Speaker: telling you. I don't have... How much time do you got? Meet me after the job's done. I'll tell you everything. Listen, we don't have any time right now. That's why... Boss! Oh, there you are. Holy shit.

Speaker: Well, thank you, Bill. Appreciate you.

Speaker: And then you see this ah pretty stout, stoutly overweight man about 5'5 walks in with a cigar in hand.

Speaker: Just kidding, doesn't a cigar. That be two. You were gonna those will kill Those will kill ya. Well, how you two doin'? And he goes around, sits at the desk, and... yeah leans back, kicks his feet up.

Speaker: Uh... Hey, uh... What, uh... What's... You the guy that got the... got the job for us, sir? Ah, yeah. Well, my name's Leviticus McNally.

Speaker: It's nice to meet you folks. What can I call you? This, my name, this this one's name is Grambles McGillicuddy. At your service.

Speaker: Nice to meet you, Grambles, and he stands up and extends his arm across the desk for a handshake. I stay seated and shake his hand because I'm tired. Okay. And what about ah about you there, pretty thing?

Speaker: ah I'm Pip, and this is Stella. It's nice to meet you, Pip. And he also extends his hand to Pip and Stella. Can you shake his hand?

Speaker: Do you shake? Do both of you shake his hand? Can Stella shake his hand? Yeah, at the same time.

Speaker: oh well, a bat that can shake hands, eh? You'll see something new every day. I do declare. I just done saw bat shake of my hand. do declare.

Speaker: Anyways, you guys are here from Drake, right? right Yeah, he sent us. I from Drake. Good, good. Now, we have a little bit of a situation here.

Speaker: So there's ah there's a train that's going to be coming through tao today in about two hours now. And it's carrying some cargo on the front that, well, I would really like to have it.

Speaker: And not just for me, but it's something that'll help out the people of the city. What's in there? Great question. So my sources tell me that this train is transporting some kind of um ancient artifacts or something.

Speaker: And well, I don't want to give too much away yet. So you're just going to find out later. Keep listening.

Speaker: This is your teaser. Keep listening. This is the teaser.

Speaker: All right. So, I mean, do we need any sort of special equipment to get the stuff for you know, we can't exactly drive the train off the track to bring it back here. So no is it a lot of stuff?

Speaker: Here one second and he pulls out, he opens a drawer and pulls out a folded, like big a big folded up piece of paper. And he, ah basically shoves everything off his desk and rolls it out. And he has the, he has the route, like the train route.

Speaker: And it's going from the North, it's going North to South. And this town is that you're in is right in the middle. Um, and he's basically pointing in a spot and there you see,

Speaker: um basically a part of like a station that it's going to have to slow down at that you're going to be able i You know, get on to you're going to be able to board the train at.

Speaker: um So we're going to right here at the station. Yeah, it's going to slow down quite a bit. And so we have a bill. You got those horses ready?

Speaker: Yeah, boss. All right, we're going to give you some horses and it's going to s slow down so as to not to you know kill anybody as it comes into town in case someone's you know given enough time to stop. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker: And you guys are going be to ride them horses and basically hop on the back, hopefully, once it once it's here and then make your way up the train and hopefully able to just steal the cargo without any issue.

Speaker: How does that sound? I mean, I'm all down for stealing cargo with no issues. What about you, bad lady? Yeah, sounds fun. How much this job paying, by the way?

Speaker: You're going to get 50,000 wing-wangs. right Whoa, wing-wangs? Wait a second. Hold on. need to text Drake. I mean, 30,000, because... Well, to Drake about that.

Speaker: Oh, still, we're getting a bunch of wing-wangs? That's right. Clip from the chickens themselves. Clip from the chickens themselves. Damn. I'm in.

Speaker: if i That would be a great trophy to bring back to my ma. Alright, and listen here, you know, you can't, if you ever caught, you can't tell anybody to that Leviticus sent you. Alright, does that sound okay?

Speaker: Peace, Leviticus. Exactly.

Speaker: and joseph soson Alright, uh. He like leans in towards Pipp. Seriously, who is Leviticus?

Speaker: I mean, I'm pretty sure that guy said that's what his name was. but That is his name, yes. You do remember that. I feel like he might have been lying about that. so No, I would know.

Speaker: I would know if he was lying. I got a grambles, grambling in my gramblesense brain. Oh, what is gramblesense? It's when I know someone's bullshitting me.

Speaker: oh You have a bullshit meter? i don't like to call it a bullshit meter on the account it's got the word shit in it, but yeah, it's something like that.

Speaker: yeah That's pretty cool. I might have to take you with me on some of my dates to make sure that none of them are actually lying to me. And to make sure they're not ah livestock in disguise.

Speaker: That would be a good one, yeah. um Because that would be weird, you know. Well, I mean, but you don't know. yeah the The magics that they can get a hold of to allow themselves to ah appear in forms they otherwise would not have is out of this, like, the kind that I don't know how to wield such magics. But I tell you what, the masters of disguise, they cast a little bit of a spell.

Speaker: And then, oh my god, I look like a ah bat lady. Wait. Are you sure that you're not a bat? No, my my familiar is, though.

Speaker: I wish I was a bat That would be cool. No, you don't wish you were a bat. Trust me. they they Why not? they They're part of the uprising, the regime.

Speaker: That's why I want to be part of it, duh. No, you don't. Trust me, we need to... right, I'm cutting you guys off. While while this is going on, you guys have been led to the horses. You're on horses on your following bill, the the big old eight foot guy over to the die basically the state around the station where you're going to hang out until it shows up. All right.

Speaker: Is he a spider? What? You said he has eight feet. He's the eight foot guy. eight foot. Yeah, he's got it. Yes, he's a spider. Holy he shit.

Speaker: And bite your ass if you don't keep up. No, man, don't threaten me with a good time.

Speaker: Bite the left one, it doesn't get as much a attention.

Speaker: Anyways, we're here, so, uh... Whoa, that was fast. I don't remember getting on a horse. Me either. was really fast ride. Yeah, you guys are getting a little railroaded.

Speaker: I'm going to make that joke about eight more times. Oh yeah. Railroad me, daddy. Gross.

Speaker: Alright, ah Keep the horses for now. You're going to be able to just jump off them and they'll come right back to me, so don't worry about that. Oh, that's handy.

Speaker: Wait a second. And he puts his ears to the ground. He's not actually a spider. I hear it. It's coming. What's coming? um As you say that, you hear the low rumblings of a train coming and and into town.

Speaker: ah no. We're too late. and the way or we Are we early? We're early. And i as it approaches the station... What's that? so um I don't know.

Speaker: Are we late or are we early? Are we getting on we're just getting on like passengers and we're waiting for it to like slow down at the next checkpoint. And then we try to hop on. You're going to wait. You're to wait for it to slow down. Then get on.

Speaker: Okay. Got it. Okay. Okay. Kind of like when. Okay. Got it. Yeah, exactly like that. Exactly. So as it pulls up and this is why you're goingnna wait. And, uh,

Speaker: you see as it's pulling up, it's a, it looks like it's like, it's like both cargo and a passenger has like both cargo and passenger lines. Um, it has about 10 cars on it, not including the engine.

Speaker: Uh, and theyre all And they all appear to be incredibly well guarded by people with like strangely high-tech equipment. We're talking like you know like actual modern-day weaponry as well as armor.

Speaker: you know armor Oh, shit. And you see, like, you know, those mounted turrets and stuff. But then on the back of the car, as it passes, the back, it's just, there's nobody there. There's literally a platform calling. you're It's just, like, calling to you guys. It's like, hop on me. Hop on me.

Speaker: Oh, yeah. That one wants it. Hop on it. And then yeah a Bill's like, go get on it. That's it. That's the back. Get on that.

Speaker: That's your easiest way on.

Speaker: Uh, okay, cool, dude. Yeah, yeah let's go. I mean, that bat's pretty, um, you think that bat's going to give us away? Someone just sees like a giant bat climbing onto wood train. They're not looking in the back for some reason.

Speaker: Oh, okay. tell yeah Let's hop on it. Hop on it. Um, uh, yeah, I guess I go back to the back end of the train and try to surreptitiously just jump on, I suppose. All right. So you're riding, uh, you're riding horses.

Speaker: And, uh, yeah, it's the train still moving at like a good speed, but it's like, you know, not, it's like you're, once you get up to like a gallop, you're able to actually catch up to it. Um, and then I mean, you want you to roll and act under pressure, both of you to jump onto the back of the train, or if you have another way that you want to get onto this thing. Minus one to cool.

Speaker: Okay. Um, You know what? just Just for the sake of the... Oh my god, you guys are both... We both failed.

Speaker: Alright, so you guys are going to try to hop on how does this how does what does this look like? I feel like maybe like we don't miss, but like we're not on that. Like maybe just like we're stuck on the fucking railing, like the rails up on the side of it. so we go to childrening And we're just like, we're like dangling off the side of the fucking train. Like, oh, okay. Okay. And the horse is already like trying to run away, but my foot's caught in the spur.

Speaker: Or of the yeah of the of the saddle. I'm oh shit. yeah I'm about to get like i'm about to get like fucking like cut in half if I don't... Bill bill rides up and he's like, where do they even find you guys?

Speaker: This is ridiculous. You weren't supposed to find me. And he comes up next to you and takes one hand and is's just grambles. He just like tosses you. He tosses your freaking leg back up there. Pip,

Speaker: same thing for you. get your leg tossed over. Is your bat okay?

Speaker: Yeah, she's still on my back. Oh, I landed on a bat. Oh, no, that was my bow. Oh.

Speaker: I feel like the addition of her wings gave me like some sort of like parachute effect, and so it like slowed me down just we as we were getting ready to jump on, and then you just see like her one leg just and still attached to the horse, and the other one's like the toes just dragging along with grass.

Speaker: All right, so guys are both on the train. No harm taken. I'm so generous. i And as you guys are standing up, because I imagine you got yeah basically thrown on, right?

Speaker: a You hear the door to the to the so the back of the car ah slide open. Uh-oh. And there's a man...

Speaker: ah in full yeah like ah like a military uniform and armor. and it's it's ah The colors are basically black and red. If you think like Arasaka from Cyberpunk, don't know if you guys have played that, um but it kind of looks like that.

Speaker: um And he's ah kind of shocked to see anybody on the back of the on the back of the train. um And you guys get a moment to respond to that.

Speaker: Yeah. I just look around like this isn't where I parked my horse.

Speaker: Dang it. Oh, man. Who the hell is going to try to reach up and grab their collar and just pull them off of the train? or oh shit.

Speaker: give me ah Give me a kick some ass with plus two. Okay. grandma's just convinced himself that he really did lose his horse he's like i swear i kept it right here that's a 15 i got a 13 unless you already had the plus two are you i did add it yeah yeah ah it's crazy i uh this guy opens the opens the opens the door and mean he's like wait who the hell are you guys you're not supposed to and then what do you do pip just grab him onto his collar and I go, yoink!

Speaker: As I pull him off of the train. you just hear him go, you're not supposed to, woohoo! And he gets thrown and he just starts, he just tumbles ah behind you.

Speaker: ah And you see him disappear ae as he fades into an nothingness and we forget about him for the rest of the episode. i And now... excellent Now you have the access to the back of the train.

Speaker: you like to go? Now what would you guys like to do?

Speaker: ah i would like to take the... I would like to look forward ahead to see if I could see more things in the in the car. Because like you said, we're like there's a bunch of cars, yeah? So yeah what's in this car? I want to just look forward and do that and then try to proceed.

Speaker: um So this car is filled with a bunch of boxes. it looks like It looks like a storage area. So you're not seeing any people inside of there. and But you can't really hear you can't really hear anything inside there since you're still outside.

Speaker: And it's it's just it's just dark and there's lots of cover in there. So like you're thinking it's not going to be too difficult to you know get inside unseen if you want to be stealthy.

Speaker: Uh, okay, let's just proceed. See what happens. Yep. Alright, so both of you are doing that. Alright. So as you get inside, i assume you would just shut the door behind you, right?

Speaker: Or no? course. Always shut the door behind you. no matter where you're going, no matter what you're doing. are Always. So it sounds like Pip shuts the door behind her.

Speaker: Whereas Grambles just leave it open. Alright, I got it. I understand. I was raised in a barn. Grambles was literally raised in a barn, which is why he hates animals. See, it's all coming together. it um you're So as you get in and you close the door, you hear got your hear a couple voices um coming from towards the front of the car.

Speaker: And you just hear them going, it Sounds like Fred's, uh, sounds like Fred fell off or something. What an idiot. Yeah, I know. What a dumbass. Fuck that guy. They hate him.

Speaker: I'm gonna walk up to you and just say the same thing.

Speaker: I'm just going to like act like like i think I think it's partly an act part that Grambles is kind of like kind of crazy, but yous just going to walk up there as if he belongs there. He'll just feel like so compelled to do that shit, they'll just kind of walk up and be like, yeah, i know, what a f freaking idiot, right? Let's go lean over the rail of and laugh at him as we see his mangled corpse bounce off the rails.

Speaker: Nah, shut the fuck up, Fred. wait

Speaker: Who the hell are you? Are you for real right now? Yeah, dude, come look, it's crazy. It's like, man, I think one of his pinky toes flew off under the train. I can't believe this.

Speaker: You think I'm that stupid? You're just gonna pretend to act like one of us? What are you talking- What? Without even did i not even rolling a, uh... Did I forget my uniform today?

Speaker: Did I- Oh, shit. you roll it at a minus two? Oh, OK, that's fine. So I'll be rolling it out. All right. and Can I um use magic to make his clothes look like theirs? So that's an eight.

Speaker: Yes, but you're going to need yeah. Yeah, I'm to say you're going to need a very good roll for that to be successful without them noticing since he's already talking to them. So I rolled an eight.

Speaker: I mean, I'm crazy. yeah I got a set. Okay, so they see yeah see you walk out of the shadows and then they see that your clothes get magically turned into their uniform.

Speaker: Uh-huh. um And unfortunately, they're not buying it. yeah No, look, I just i told you, ah man, i just like that's a great little trick there, guy. But I forgot to turn it on I just forgot to turn it on. That's all. It's going to you. You got to get off this fucking train. I try to give him some sweet chin music to try to knock him off the train.

Speaker: What? I'm going to try to give him some sweet chin music to knock him out of the train. Some sweet chin? Sweet chin music. I'm going to get him under the chin. You're rolling some kicks in the ass then? Alright. Yeah.

Speaker: Well, technically sweet chin music is a sidekick into the face. but I'm going to give you a press line on that for the for the surprise. hits to the face. Alright. It's just it's two... The face.

Speaker: That's a 14. I rolled a 13 plus one. All right, what's your bonus effect there? What does it look like? um A boner effect. I want to put them where I want them, which is off the train.

Speaker: All right, well, you're inside of a train car right now, so how do you get them off the train? Oh, I thought I walked out through the train. I didn't realize they were in the car. No, you're in like they were in like a cargo, like ah not like ah not like a shipping container type thing. but like Oh, sorry. i thought that they were I thought that they were on the next link between cars or something. No, there is another door on the front and windows as well.

Speaker: Uh, well, I don't think I can sweet chin music him and throw him off the train. Oh, then you know what I'm going to do is, uh, I'm going to sweet chin music him into his buddy. So that way they're both like either entangled with one another and or like on the ground.

Speaker: Um, okay. and I want to throw him. I want to knock him into his friend. Yeah, that's going to work. Um, and, um, so you punch him in the chin and then he falls over and both of them are knocked onto the ground.

Speaker: And, um, They're fucking in shambles right now and do not, uh, you not take any harm from that. Uh, they don't, they don't respond to you. Um, the guy that you actually punched in the, in the, in the chin is knocked though. He is just knocked the fuck out.

Speaker: Um, but his buddy is, his buddy is trying to like desperately get his, you know, his friend off of him. Um, and he's, he's, he's, he's trying to get his buddy off and then he's trying to pick up his gun off the ground. Uh,

Speaker: while while While he's scrambling to do that, I think Grambles is so caught up in the moment that like after he knocks that guy out, he just assumes there's like a cow in there. So he starts trying to peel his skin off.

Speaker: He's like trying to find the zipper on his face. Like, where is it? I know you're fucking in there, beefy boy. um And just starts trying to do that while ah while his buddy's trying to scramble to get his gun. Alright.

Speaker: um You don't find a zipper. You don't find anything. that You find a zipper, but it's like it's like to his armor. It's like to his jumpsuit, basically. Oh, I knew it. I knew this is where the beef was. um You just see an undershirt.

Speaker: Damn it, where is it? Pip, help me out here. I know there's beef inside this guy. um Pip, you see you see the other guy um get his gun back and just point it, like, almost point blank at Grambleshead.

Speaker: Would you like to do anything about that? Yep. So she's going to look at Stella and go, it's time to blow. And she's going to have Stella like basically get up and flap her wings really hard to like do the wind magic that she has. Uh-huh.

Speaker: And try to blow the guy over or the gun out of his hand or whatever. Okay, yeah, definitely. I would say you don't need to roll for that. You knock that motherfucker's gun right out the window and you just hear it break the fucking glass and he's just completely disarmed now. Oh, shit. quite Quite frankly, scared for his life. So he's trying to...

Speaker: um He's basically on the ground crawling backwards, just like saying, please, please, I have a family. but Please don't hurt me.

Speaker: She puts her right hand up and next thing you know, you'll see like a ball of fire that is kind of like a purple color. And the on the inside is like a pink color. And she has what is called ball magic.

Speaker: And she's going to just throw a ball of magic at him. She has what's called ball magic. um All right. Give me ah give me a use magic roll for that one. See what you do.

Speaker: Ball magic. With her attack roll, she rolls plus weird instead of plus tough. Yeah, so ki me give me a plus. Just roll weird.

Speaker: Weird with plus two. so Nine. I have what's called ball magic. I don't know. yeah My brain's like very tickled by that. He goes, oh no, ball magic.

Speaker: I should i never signed up for this job. Oh no. And then ah he burns his face. You burn his face off or something, right? Is that Yeah, it's one harm. One harm. man Alright, so he gets a really bad burn on his face and he just goes, Ah! Oh god, why? Ow!

Speaker: Goddammit, I'll tell you anything. been growing those eyebrows back. I got ball magic too, buddy, and I start punching his friend in the dick a bunch.

Speaker: Why would you do that? Ball magic, guys. We all have it. Alright, look, I'm not- Oh, fuck this, and he just dives out the window.

Speaker: Oh, fuck. You just... Wow. Wow. I thought you had a family. Jeez. I was paid ahead of time.

Speaker: So, yeah, so I just, like, i can't find the zipper on this guy's skin. They must be able to, like, have the technology or the magic so they don't have to have a zipper anymore. I told you the magic was getting better.

Speaker: Right, yeah. He doesn't have a zipper, and, uh, Pip, I don't know, do you care to respond to that? What kind of zipper are you talking about? You better not be looking for the one in his pants because that's just weird. He's like knocked out or whatever.

Speaker: First of all, if I wanted to, i would have done that already. I know how pants work. Second of all, yes, I'm looking for the zipper that they used to use to keep the beef inside.

Speaker: Now they barely don't have them anymore. I literally don't even know what you're talking about right now. Well, when I tell you what, one of these days when you're on one of your little dates and all of a sudden a big old bovine burst from his body.

Speaker: You're welcome. I told you ahead of time. The forecast is clear. The livestock uprising is happening and I'm trying to save the world. I'm the only one that knows. No one else will listen to me. think he's in a costume.

Speaker: Yes. I can't be sure. Why didn't you just say that? Oh my god, you're so weird. I'm telling you, and I told you earlier there's animals inside of the people.

Speaker: It's hard for me to trust who's who. I don't even know if you're not an animal. he starts The guy on the floor starts moaning. he startoldlling He starts moaning. oh You better kick him off the train before he wakes up.

Speaker: No, I put my knee i put my knee into like like the... What do you call that like spot in the... ah like right below your your lungs where there's that little indentation. um The sternum.

Speaker: Like gra but right around the sternum, I put my knee in a sternum, then I grab him by the collar. I'm like, who sent you? What? Where's the gold? What are we here for?

Speaker: Where's the... Oh, are you serious? Shit. Deactivate everything. Tell your boss, tell all of your beefy friends to jump off the train.

Speaker: Get your knee off me. I'll tell you. Oh, right. fine Fuck. I forgot you need this to talk. Jesus. Fine. Oh, God. My balls hurt so bad. plus all magic, baby.

Speaker: Look, it's at the front. It's it's the it's the last cart. Keep the treasure in the front? Yeah. oh You see that giant bat over there?

Speaker: I'm going to make it eat your balls. Where's Gary? You don't tell me everything.

Speaker: Gary's like gone, man. Gary and Fred, they're like gone, man. They're gone. They went home to the Lord and Savior, Raptor Jesus.

Speaker: This was supposed to be an easy gig. What's the gig? Ball magic. Regarding the train. didn't think any any any Raiders would show up.

Speaker: You want to come with need to guard the train? What's on here? i don't know, but there's a bunch of there a bunch of like priests and shit up in the front. God, I hate those things.

Speaker: Ew. Yeah, they suck, but they're paying a lot of money. I grab them by the hair, and I look them in the eyes, and I say, Are you any form of livestock on the inside of your body Well, they treat us, they pay us and treat us like livestock.

Speaker: But are you a cow, a pig, a chicken, any sort of livestock, or are you a human? I'm a human, i think. Is he lying to me ah Your spidey senses do not activate. Alright, cool. i like I dust off his balls and his jacket. I'm like...

Speaker: Oh, sorry. I'm just trying. You know what? My bad. I'm so sorry. I thought that you were. That's hilarious. We're going to laugh about this later. What was your name? My name's Derek.

Speaker: Derek, do you want to come with us to go so go sock some priests in the mouth and get you some money? No. well Are you sure? We got a hot girl and a bat behind me.

Speaker: I literally can't walk. i I'm married. Oh, damn.

Speaker: Still hot girl bat. A train full of married men. gotta be careful. You're all married? Damn. That's right. You know what? Married men can be swayed. pe look look at Look at all that leather.

Speaker: He passes out. Made from the bodies of the evil bovites. Alright, so ah he passes out, basically, from the pain of his balls because you hit him so many times.

Speaker: Alright, I'm gonna take his... whatever it is that I can make to look like I'm a, one of those things. All right. You, uh, put on the uniform, i and you still don't. Yeah.

Speaker: All right. Yeah. You put on their uniform, but you put the vest on backwards. Okay. That's fine. I just put a vest on over my vest. Now I got a vest on my back and vest on my front. Yeah. And you're still not wearing like the, like, you know, there's like, they were in like a jumpsuit underneath.

Speaker: Um, and it doesn't fit you, so you don't put it on. You know what? That's yeah fair. i appreciate I appreciate that it doesn't fit me perfectly, because, you know, like in a video game, you find boots that are your exact size all the time and pants that are your exact size.

Speaker: Yeah, that is strange how that works. Yeah. Everybody wears size nine and a half shoes. That's right. Yeah. um So, yeah. Okay, well, I put that on goofily, and I look back at Pip and Stella, and, like,

Speaker: Hey, that ball magic, there's something to that. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Yeah. Can you show me how to do it? I mean, do you know magic? I mean, yes.

Speaker: That's right. you know I mean, i just don't. you i just don't. But like, I could do it. Okay. You know, like, i i could I could do it. I just don't do it. That's all.

Speaker: Don't judge me. Would you say that you're ah your like yeah ESP lying lie detector ability is magic? I mean, if you want to put that into fiction, as that's how I know. Sure, you could do that.

Speaker: um I kind of like that. Yeah, kind that. he's just like, yeah, that's like it that's his gift. He just knows when he's being bullshitted. Yeah, exactly. But he forgets that he has it until he asks the question way after he's already done way too many actions um because he's paranoid. like it.

Speaker: So, alright, yeah. So, yeah, you guys ah you guys won the fight. Good job. Cool. Magic. um So, yeah, now you're at the back of the car.

Speaker: you own You basically own this car now. you know It's yours. It's your domain. We could live here. yeah we could spruce it up a little bit. Maybe move some of these boxes around. Maybe get a TV right over there.

Speaker: Or you could keep moving up the train. It's up to you guys. I mean, i would rather just, like, hurry up and get off this thing because this thing makes me nervous, really. but makes you nervous?

Speaker: That's a great intuition. Look at this great house. This great household we have. We could start a life together. Me, you, and our baby Bat. ah Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker: When did I ever say anything about an us? Just now. you just said it. No. we're going to have such a happy life together. Come on, Pippi.

Speaker: Let's go. Let's go tell everybody about our new nuptials. Oh, God. so and I hold the baby? at me on this Drake, I'm going to get you someday for this.

Speaker: hey I'll get you next time, E-Man. you guys are doing great. Don't worry about him. Just just get the job done and you'll be paid very well, okay? and he's Because he's listening to you the whole time.

Speaker: yes

Speaker: All right. Well, listen, yeah, well, we don't have to make any decision. You know what Let's go check out the other cards. Is this the first car that we looked at? Let's see if there's any other ones that are better for our our abode. I mean, I'm just saying there better be one with like a few beds.

Speaker: I'm just saying. Oh, you guys want beds? Yeah, let's go get beds. Well, you look up at the next, you look through the neck through the door at the next car and above it, it says barracks.

Speaker: oh Oh, see? Maybe we can ask Mr. Barracks if there's beds nearby. Yeah. So are you going to go there? I mean, yeah, we're going to through it. You're literally being railroaded.

Speaker: but and All right. So ah who's going to go first? That's my question. Yeah, Pip wants to go first. All right, Pip. So Pip, as you go to open the door to the car that you're in, like and you put your hand on it, and you put your hand on the handle, OK?

Speaker: why Time stops, and you're in time jail for a sec. and youre So you're in this white void or whatever. And then you see two screens pop up in front of you. all right and it One says, level up, and the other says, heal the foal, but it's grayed out for you, because you're at full health still.

Speaker: um and it says touch to select on it she selects level up great take a level up real quick if that's cool same for you same for you grambles you want to heal or take a level up I will take a level up because I only have one harm I'm okay All right, so just throw, just make it quick, because I forgot that. Yeah, maybe leveling up not a simplest. All right, I'm to take one to any rating, and I'm going to make it so that way my cool is zero.

Speaker: Perfect. Love it. Easy. Oh, wow, I feel cooler all of a sudden. Damn, I think it's this outfit. Let's go.

Speaker: And I charge forward. I'm like, I gotta to go tell everybody that I'm married now. Or engaged. Sorry, dear. We haven't had this ceremony yet. All right. um So, Pip, what did you as you take for your level? It's not dropping down my menu so that I can. no. What? No.

Speaker: i I picked another Spellslinger move, but it's not letting me see what my other moves are. there we go. Okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. got it. Okay. So...

Speaker: yeah We'll do a shield spell. A shield spell, okay. Got it. Alright, you guys ah go through that get that thing that I wanted to try out, and you go into the next car, which is the barracks.

Speaker: um And as you guys open the door, um it's it's almost, it's really dark inside, but there's some nightlights on, and you see a bunch of dudes in there just conked out and they're sleeping.

Speaker: Says you want to dance. When they're napping.

Speaker: She's going to look at him and go, shh, with her finger to her lips. right i hit the I hit the jackal switch and go real silent. this this is You hit the jackal switch?

Speaker: Yeah, I hit the jackal switch. Everybody wakes up. Oh, fuck. You still have a bunch of jackals into the room. Oh, fuck. I woke them all up. Shit.

Speaker: And then they all feast on all the sleeping men. The d end. um Yeah, I have a move where if I'm sneaky and if I to ed ifify attack from an ambush or from behind, i can inflict two extra harm when I hurt somebody.

Speaker: Oh, well these guys are... Do you want to hurt them? Or do you want to just... Yes, I need to saw off their heads to see if there's pigs inside. Oh, okay. There's about eight men in there.

Speaker: dang, it's going to take a while. Hey, baby, go on without me. i got This going to take me a minute.

Speaker: So, ah he looks to Pip and he goes like... like Do we come back for them? Are we roommates now with these guys? i

Speaker: I mean, i wasn't considering an open marriage, but I mean, if you want to have um maybe we can adopt them as kids. Like what do you see? She's staring at you silently, I guess.

Speaker: I'm just I think we could come back from later or We should just sneak through.

Speaker: All right, fine. But, you know, it's probably for the best. We need to talk about it. Like, do we do we want to have kids? Do we want to keep the one we have? Do we want roommates? Oh, my God. You're so weird. Let's just sneak through here. And she reaches into her pocket and takes a ah invisibility potion.

Speaker: oh amazing all right perfect so to pip just uh grant my grambles you're talking to pip and you see her drink something and then she just is gone her and stella are gone he looks he looks left and right for a minute and he goes oh whoo and he just he just rips like the loudest fart because he thinks he's alone now

Speaker: he has no object permanence he did You think she just left? we're just like, oh, thank God. Oh. All right. Anyways, you're going to need to act. I've been holding that in all day. act under pressure for that one, Pip.

Speaker: All right. I'm not kidding. Eleven. It's your it is. It smells so I hate doing a fart joke, but it smells so bad. And you're so like, I just imagine that people would just be so fucking disgusted that she is not.

Speaker: She's going to have to like contain herself to not, you know, either a sprint through this car and make like a ton of noise and wake people up or, you know,

Speaker: um ah eat eat her own ball magic or something to the face because this sucks so much. Oh, you were having her roll. I thought you meant for me to roll. no it's not for you. It's for her.

Speaker: I thought I was like to make sure I didn't wake up all the guys that were sleeping.

Speaker: um No, they't they're all snoring in in and you know, they don't really they don't really notice that. ah just crop dusted all these guys. Oh, but um yeah, I figured that after under pressure roll for that.

Speaker: I think here's that like a oh she got a nine. She got a nine. Yeah. Oh boy, that's want to happen I didn't want this to happen. ah This is the one thing I was hoping they wouldn't do. This is the one thing I didn't want happen. Alright, so Pip, you're going to just be very grossed out by this.

Speaker: Gagging. You're gagging, and you start to move quickly through the train car. um So quickly that you do not notice several bottles of beer on the floor.

Speaker: And ah you kick one over. Dang it. And it makes a really loud noise.

Speaker: Could have been just

Speaker: a train. Sorry, not just one, but like several. You know you just run into like a pile of them because they're just like drunk, right? and Yeah, they're dirty, filthy pigs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker: And you notice towards the end of the car, there's a guy who's like supposed to be in guard duty, but he's just snoozing on a chair.

Speaker: And he kind of he like kind of goes, what?

Speaker: Who's there? What the hell was that? Do I see him? Is he in another car? No, he's in the car with you. He doesn't see you um because you're in the back. And I would imagine you're like behind a bed or something. But you hear him, you know, get up and he's like sneak attack, bow and arrow.

Speaker: all right i'm gonna roll kick some ass and try to shoot i'll kick some ass get add plus two to that gonna don't be in a a sneaker boy uh that is uh well i rolled dog shit so i got an eight with your plus two all right you uh hit him in the throat I do.

Speaker: I do. Fours of harms to him. Yeah, you hit him in the throat and he goes down and he's ganging on his own blood now. And he's making a lot of noise and you probably should do something about it.

Speaker: I run over to him and I go, are you one of the pigs or the cows or the chickens? You just see him looking at you and his eyes are really wide open and he can't talk because he has an arrow in his throat.

Speaker: Alright, I rip it out really, really hard. the Pip's going to take the empty vial that she just used for her invisibility ah so potion, and she's going to collect his blood.

Speaker: That's very gruesome. do i see Do I see the bottle floating, or is it invisible when you hold Piff, what you think? probably see the bottle. Okay. Ghosts! Hold on. No.

Speaker: Oh no, I've angered i've angered the the people that were buried under this under this train. They built the train on ah on a burial ground. um And I step on the guy's face.

Speaker: I just start stomping a mud hole in it until he stops. Okay. I'm trying to make him stop. I'm trying to put him out of his misery. i Get my arrow back because it's stuck in there. it's Okay, well, he dies.

Speaker: um

Speaker: He never answered me, so I don't know if he's a chicken. He could be. He couldn't talk. Grammals don't know that. He's just like, whatever. If you didn't answer me, then you're the enemy. um When that happens, you see another guy literally roll out of bed.

Speaker: And he's like, there's only one guy who woke up. And he's really gar groggy still. And he's like, he's looking at you and he just like can't. He's like trying to put together what the hell is happening right now. I'm still like in kind of a uniform, so I'm just like, it's okay, soldier, go back to sleep, or whatever. Manipulate someone, please.

Speaker: for and ah and ah I'll give you a plus two for that one as well. I can roll with sharp. That's a 12. That's a 10 plus two. All right, he just fucking goes, fucking raiders, raiders. I just like wave my hands like I'm a Jedi mind trick. I'm like, just go back to sleep, or whatever.

Speaker: I want to go back to sleep. and he was He rolls back into bed. like he like reverses? Yeah, like he reverses. He rewinds? He rewinds back into bed, yeah.

Speaker: That's a hell of a skill, actually. Yeah. We're definitely in a simulation. Pip, you got a bunch of his blood. It's very nice blood, I guess.

Speaker: Great blood. Awesome. She puts it in her pocket. It's gone now. As in you don't see it anymore. um Grambles. i Oh, whoa. most The ghost took his blood.

Speaker: ah ah He gets down on his knees and he whispers, okay, listen, I didn't know that I was participating in this action. I will eliminate everyone on this train if I get forgiveness from those in the afterlife.

Speaker: his Please keep over my mom. his ghost His spirit comes out of his body his man. Oh, shit. Oh, hey, buddy. Were you a chicken by chance?

Speaker: No, and fuck you. Oh, you know That's a fair reaction. I am sorry for what I did to you. You killed me. Well, to be fair, my arrow killed you. i But the ghost can't keep up with the train anymore. then the ghost just passes through the train and we run with the story. it' such That's such a real thing for it to happen for a ghost. Like, ah, fuck, I thought I'd stay on the train longer. You're just like floating like on the track. It's like, ah, damn, I'm i'm um doomed to walk this trail. It just rails forever.

Speaker: Yeah. anyway We'll revisit him maybe. Never. Okay, so yeah, let's like let's go. i don't i gotta find my wife. My future wife, and I run towards the next carton. Alright, you put your hand on the door, and you're in time jail again.

Speaker: Ah, damn it. Fuck. And it says plus one cool, or plus one charisma. Touch to select both of you. Not that charisma.

Speaker: um Charm, sorry. I'm gonna take plus one cool. Now I'm in the positive. Alright, and it says temporary. Only for next cart. Okay.

Speaker: What are you taking, Pip? Uh, plus cool one cool. Alright, both taking cool for one car. Okay, cool. So cool, now that I got this guy's blood on my boots.

Speaker: Alright, uh... So, you go into the next car? Yeah, go to the next car. just like, man, I wish I could call pip I don't know where she went. It's the potion. when does How long does that potion last, Pip?

Speaker: It should be like wearing off right about now. Next thing I know, it just like pop up right and front next to Grambles. Oh, hey, I was just wishing for you to be back. Damn, i got my magic is out of this freaking world right now.

Speaker: Where did you go? I've been standing right next to you this whole time. You know I don't look over there. We're going to have to go to couples counseling and talk about your listening skills.

Speaker: Eyes always forward. That's what I always say. If you're not standing in front of me, you don't exist. All right. Yeah, this man really has no object permanence.

Speaker: When he goes to sleep, he just thinks he's dead until he wakes up. That's right. All right. So you guys moving into on to next car, right? Yeah. Yeah. yeah You look extra cool for some reason. Pip, I don't know what it is, but you look cool.

Speaker: Thanks. At least for this next cart, I think.

Speaker: I mean, you know, you're starting to get pretty cool. I guess I'm getting used to you, but we're still not getting married. I knew it. And we are. Trust me. I already know. I've seen the future. All right, I imagine you guys are having this discussion as you're going to the next car. like You're outside, you haven't opened the next one yet, right?

Speaker: sure Sure. So who's going to go in first? it's go Is it going to be pip or Or Grambles? I have to let her go in front of me, that way I know she exists. All right, ah Pip, as you reach out to open the next car,

Speaker: um You see a man with a very nice mustache through the window, and he spots you. And he throws the door open. Oh, shit. Uh, uh, hi. Um, do you some Girl Scout cookies? Girl Scout cookies aren't... Are you the new waitress?

Speaker: Of course. Are you the new waitress? Where have you been? Why are you hanging out in the barracks? I was looking for God Scout cookies.

Speaker: Oh, the youth of today. the youth. The youth of today. no work ethic, I tell you. No one wants to work anymore. You're not even here. You're talking about somebody wanted some, so I went to find some, and I still didn't find any.

Speaker: One guy named Fred told me that they were all the way at the back of the car, and so I went back and I looked there, and they weren't there, and so I'm just telling you that Fred is an asshole.

Speaker: You were in the back of the car, and what's that thing on your back? ah My backpack. It looks alive. It's supposed to look that way. That's why I got it that way. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Listen, to you your shift is going to start now.

Speaker: yeah it is We need to get you in here and get you changed. ah I'm going to get fired for sure. i can't i can't ever get you hires in here. Oh, God. Do you want me to take over for you? Because I feel like you're a little overstressed and I actually know what I'm doing. So like, you know, you can just take a break.

Speaker: I'll go get changed. Don't you even worry about it. Can you roll manipulate someone? who Yeah, do it. Yeah, you can use charm or cool for that one. I feel like because he's very stressed. I feel like cool would make sense, but.

Speaker: Nine. ah Okay, well, and I'm not going to just stay around while you're but you're doing your job here. I have to watch you or else... Oh, I don't want to repeat of last time. oh God. What happened last time?

Speaker: Let's just say... ah Well, if it happens again, I'm going to be thrown out of the car while it's moving at full speed. Okay.

Speaker: Hey, it's not good for me. This maybe I should quit. I don't know. No, I didn't say that. Uh, here. And then he points you to like a, uh, like a, like a basically like a private room where you, and there's a uniform in there that like mysteriously fits your size.

Speaker: ah and it's like, ah it's just, it's just like ah it's like a, it's like a Butler suit. It's not like a maid outfit or anything weird like that. Uh, it's like an actual, it's like, um, it's, it's like a, uh, you' It's like the same thing as he's wearing, which is like tux with little bow tie. five-star uniform with the vest and the bow tie. Yes. I got you.

Speaker: was a chef. Yeah, see? Okay. So there's that, and they're waiting for you. um And ah Grambles, he does not suspect at all that you're not ah proper um ah soldier, basically.

Speaker: That's because I am a proper soldier. Yeah, yeah. yeah um How many stripes do I have to order this person around? I have zero. shit.

Speaker: You're a super private, but like not in a good way. Oh, man. So this train is incredibly ritzy and like very high class.

Speaker: um Almost so high class that you guys do not you don't feel like you belong there at all. ah But there's no there's not really any soldiers there. that's That's one thing that you're noticing. You're just seeing like what looks to be very wealthy people hanging out at a bar, drinking a lot, and you know eating food and all that.

Speaker: um So yeah, that's it. That's the description. ah Okay, so... Oh, ah congratulations on your new job, honey!

Speaker: but so When do you start? Apparently right now. of I thought we were going to go, you know, ob-ray the aintray.

Speaker: We are, but now I'm incognito. I learned that pig Latin from ah pigs that I slaughtered. There'll be no slaughtering pigs here.

Speaker: Alright, look, here, and he hands you a tray with, uh, some- with, like, two martini glasses on it. And he says, take that- take those to table four over there. Right away, hurry up! Oh my god, don't boss me around like that. I'm literally your boss!

Speaker: Ew. Hey, that's my wife you're talking to, buddy. oh you guys are married, huh? That's nice. Too bad I don't care! Do your job! Oh. Well, you're not invited to- He walks over....a wedding.

Speaker: shes idding She walks over to the table and just like sets the tray down into the middle of the table and then walks away. ah Excuse me, ma'am.

Speaker: Ma'am. She's still walking. ah Excuse me, waitress. Let's go, Grambles. I'm going to walk over to the table that she put the tray on and to be like, my sincerest apologies.

Speaker: I didn't know she was going to do that here. Let me ah let me give you a complimentary service. And I pick up the drinks and I drink both of them real quick. And then I leave.

Speaker: I'm going to need you to to stop right there. And you both stop and you can't move.

Speaker: And we get we like, those last place ah yeah, and then you die and it says load game. Yeah. ah So this man says stop and you both are like walking, I assume, towards the next car again.

Speaker: Yep. And you're like mid stride and you're you're fucking like paralyzed, like straight up like oblivion style, like paralyzed. You cannot move. Oh, what the hell, dude?

Speaker: You can't talk either. not that bad, dude.

Speaker: Yes. Hmm, what's this thing on her back? Looks like some kind of bat, I guess, yes. That's very interesting. Okay.

Speaker: Let's see here. and I'll just take this, and he takes the bow off your off you, ah Grambles. ah

Speaker: Alright, I want you two to tell me what you're doing here on this train. And he snaps his fingers and you're unfrozen. Oh. I would like my bow back, please. My mom gave me that for my birthday.

Speaker: Well, I'd like you two to be truthful with me, if that's alright. and Tell me what you're here for. What does this guy look like? yeah yeah he's about i He's about six he's pretty he's six foot one.

Speaker: He's got very nice hair. Typical. He's like wearing like a nice pinstripe suit. And he looks like someone from like Mad Men, basically. Is that a good reference? Does that make sense? Yeah. Mad Men is the one with all the sand and the crazy cars and that guy with the.

Speaker: Oh, which one's Mad Men's like like 1960s or 50s insurance company drama. I don't know. Oh, OK. He looks like a rich asshole, basically. Gotcha.

Speaker: ah Hey, honey, will you handle this guy? You know, use your feminine wiles. It's OK. Well, I mean ah could. to do?

Speaker: what do you want me to do I don't know. You're a strong, independent woman. I don't know what year it is, but I can't. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just saying you could. now you You know, our relationships had its ups and downs, but yeah I want you to be able to feel to do whatever you want to do.

Speaker: and I said i just I would just like the truth from you too ah The truth is we're here for the show. that We're here for the show.

Speaker: I asked for the truth and you lied. I'm not lying. What are you talking about? We're about to put on a show front. yeah exactly.

Speaker: So you're here for the front of the car. Who sent you? ah yeah and That's an excellent question. The last people I remember talking to were these three pigs that got away.

Speaker: What did you do to three little pigs? Uh, well, um I tried to cut one's head off, I'm being honest, but they got away because one of them headbutt me and then some guys threw me into a bar. They're okay?

Speaker: far as I know. I think I got one in the booty, though. With an arrow. Do you know them? Yes, I know them. ah you Are you one of the livestock? You get a little spidey sense.

Speaker: Ah, shit. Fuck. Oh no, this is my this my nightmare. um Now, unless you guys tell me what you're doing here. How did you stop us in time, by the way? How did you do that?

Speaker: i don't need to answer that question. You need to answer me. We told you, we haded right honey? We answered the question. No, who sent you? I told you, i think I think it was the pigs.

Speaker: You're lying to me. God sent us. I'll be honest with you, I'm not lying. That's just genuinely what I think happened.

Speaker: Hmm, yes. This man has no object permanence.

Speaker: ah pi I mean, am I misremembering what happened? that that's That's what happened, right? What but did I do wrong? Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what happened.

Speaker: Why don't you tell us who you are, that big boy?

Speaker: My name's John Blackwater, and this is my train. Cool. And I don't like assholes like you on it. Assholes who don't even tell the truth.

Speaker: um ah be I'll be honest with you. I'm really trying to tell you the truth here. Or assholes who are too stupid to have any object permanence. Well, how about this? You just show us to the front of the cart and then we'll tell you why we're here.

Speaker: I'm supposed to be stealing like gold or something from your trade. Your trade.

Speaker: Ah, so now the truth comes out. You're supposed to be stealing, right? i think so. I think that's what the pigs want. They want to build because the brick house was strong, but they want a gold house now because they're assholes.

Speaker: He walks closer to you. I remember that. I remember that. He walks closer to my guest. I don't know. He walks really close to you guys and he whispers, did Drake send you?

Speaker: What did you say? Who's Drake? Did Drake send you? don't Don't play games. Did Drake send you? I genuinely look over at Pip and I'm like, kind of with the eyes of like, did he?

Speaker: Oh my god.

Speaker: Like, I need Pip to tell me what the truth is because I've already forgotten a lot of it because I filled a lot of my brain with other things. Oh no. I mean, yeah, he did. You should have just said god Look, I'm going to give you a little piece of advice.

Speaker: There's no right answer on the next card, okay? it's not it's not ah There's not a correct... so't Just don't worry about it, okay? So go over the card. No, it's just... It's just going to try to throw you through a loop. just Just go.

Speaker: Here's your bow back. Go around it. Just go. Just go. just get out of my sight. I can't be seen talking to you guys. Go over it. I don't know how you would get over it, but you can try.

Speaker: Gravel's is already out the door. like would okay I have a bat that flies. We can fly. i as you press as you touch the As you touch the door, you're back in time jail again.

Speaker: oh And it says, plus one sharp, plus one weird. Oh, I gotta get rid of my cool that I got, cause it was temporary. Yeah, it's gone, yeah. Plus one sharp, baby. I'm going to be so pointy.

Speaker: Alright, what are you taking, Pip? Sharp. Alright. Alright, so you are open the door and the next car is is basically empty. It's like ah it's like a it's like an open car.

Speaker: There's nothing on it. and it looks like it's going to be really easy to ah get across it. You don't see any bad guys in sight. Okay, cool. I just keep going. But as you walk out... It takes the vial of blood that she got and she throws it into the room because she doesn't trust that it's empty. It's not enclosed. It's like an open... I don't know what you call it. A flatbed kind of... okay. But you can throw the blood on there if you want.

Speaker: Oh, it's definitely. Alright, you toss the blood and it hits an invisible man. oh shit. Oh, oh. what I've been spotted, drats.

Speaker: Drats. I fire as like 14 arrows in that direction with a blood hit.

Speaker: Whoa, no, no, no, no. And he dodges all your arrows. Damn, that's cool. And the door shuts behind you.

Speaker: Welcome to my car, you two! Hey, cool. Hey, can I have my arrows back? Oh, never mind, they're most certainly! And he floats them back in your quiver. Neat.

Speaker: Hey, can you make me have gold? Yes, of course. No, you can't have gold What are you talking about? Who are you? That's not important, but you must answer my questions, and I will let you go.

Speaker: um I hate answering questions. No, they're quite simple. Are you one of the livestock people? I don't know what that means, young man.

Speaker: Cool. Alright, answer your question. reveals himself, and it's like ah it's a guy, like an Like a... like i What is his name? Fucking like Charlie Chapman or something ah without the Hitler mustache.

Speaker: He's got like a top head on and like this mustache is like really curly. He's wearing like a like a weird old timey like suit. ah Like a better Groucho Marx.

Speaker: Sure. like it.

Speaker: So, yeah, alright. I got off track for some reason. Sorry, I'm like a brain fart right now. You can't be off track. We're on a train. Alright, that's right. being railroaded. Yeah, we're on a train. Alright, if you answer my questions, I will let you go.

Speaker: do you accept? ah guess. Can you make it an easy question? fine Well, the first one is a riddle. ah you ready?

Speaker: Yes, solve the riddle. Okay, let's go.

Speaker: I have two coins. They add up to 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?

Speaker: Alan, I swear to God. You got this one, Pip. Use your big brain. Because to me... I'm not doing math. Didn't plus and you take p one sharp I did. I have three sharp right now.

Speaker: yeah have three sharp. Yeah. You know the answer to this question, bet. I mean, Adam knows the answer. I just don't know Grandpa knows the answer. You guys want to roll? ah Now, is the nickel?

Speaker: Who made the nickel? Was it the people? The government. Now, is it from an actual person or from one the lives? It's from the U.S. Mint. Oh.

Speaker: Its value is five cents. Oh, okay. So you're trying to tell me that one of them's not a nickel? But I tell you what, I bet you that nickel has a twin, and the other one's a nickel.

Speaker: Ah, but what is... So what are the two coins, then? nickel and a dime. young lad, you must be pretty sharp.

Speaker: Oh, I'm pretty and sharp. Thank you for noticing. And you see some fireworks go off. Nice. I did it. They blow up and they so the words correct. You see the words correct in a little check mark.

Speaker: Cool. Alright. I did it. Do you love me now? Yes. Now for your next question.

Speaker: ah like the pause and like, yes! Yes, definitely. Definitely. um um If you look to the to the off the sides of the car here, you'll see up ahead that this track may diverge.

Speaker: If you let the train keep going without hitting the switch, and a magical switch appears, you will run over 50 puppies. But if you pull the lever, you will run over one gigantic rich asshole.

Speaker: but his death will be on your hands. What do you do? Are the puppies... I pulled a lever. Hell yeah! i can say other puppies people Are they big people in there?

Speaker: No, they're innocent so little puppies that I've... I mean, someone else tied to the tracks for this very moment. Okay, what's the what's the rich asshole's name?

Speaker: ah And then we you crush him. thank you

Speaker: And he explodes into money. um wait job done. And then fireworks shoot out and it says, correct question. at All those wing wings.

Speaker: And then, uh, he waves us cause it's me and I'm running this game. He, the guy takes his hand and he gets rid of the question mark and puts an exclamation mark. Yay. Yay.

Speaker: but but but ba but but but

Speaker: And now your final question. And this one's easy. It's multiple choice. Oh, good. And, uh, presents you with, uh, you see some cards, like you see like a like a card with the answers, uh, appear, uh, in your, like in front of you and for you to grab if you would like, or just not grab and you'll float there.

Speaker: Uh, And he says, and it says, who is the most intelligent being on this train and the most fun and interesting person ever with the best, the best car and all that stuff? And then the answers are just, uh, uh,

Speaker: ah the the It just says the Puzzle Master over and over. It's just A, B, C, and D are all Puzzle Master. you i don't i don't see one with my face on it. And he hands you up and then you get pencils in your hand he wants you to circle.

Speaker: I don't see a one with my face on it, though. did you Can you deal them again? Wow, i really thought this would be the easiest and she you don't even have to be honest. Oh, you want me to lie to you? She circles the first one.

Speaker: Very good, yes. all right. Thanks for playing! And he just poofs out of existence. He's invisible, actually. Are you still there? Pip rolls her eyes.

Speaker: ah ah Hello? What? I think that was pretty fun. Hello? Go in. We're out of here. Mr. Puzzle Master? Oh, okay. I used to say, my mom, my dad's been gone for a long time. yeah Are you looking? no Where are you going? ah no Where are you going?

Speaker: are you still looking for him? He's gone. I'm trying to find a a suitor for my mom. I'm married. Oh, man. Everybody on this train is married. I forgot. We've all been here on this train.

Speaker: Oh, are any you guys swingers? No, that's gross. Oh, okay. Ethical Nama. Ethel. Ethel. Ethel. Manama. Are you guys? Anybody's doing that? Nope. okay and bet your your pig friends that you were playing with earlier would volunteer.

Speaker: How dare you suggest that my mom would lay with the unclean meat of a big...

Speaker: How dare you? There's nothing kosher about it.

Speaker: I gave myself high five for that one. like Well, you, ma'am, I don't want to fight in front of the kid, but we need to talk about that later.

Speaker: I towards the next cart. Yep, you guys are walking towards the next cart. And um guess what happens? There's no door for this cart. You don't get an upgrade for this one. Oh no, did I lose my other upgrade?

Speaker: ah Yeah, it's gone. Sorry. Okay. That's okay. I was sharp for a sharper. That's okay. So what do we see? ah Next cart above it it says lack of rooms.

Speaker: Oh shit. I can change. What did it say? it says locker rooms. Oh, locker rooms. Sorry, just didn't hear what said. locker rooms, sorry. It's one room. David has a very thick Michiganary accent, so sometimes it's hard to say.

Speaker: Locker room. says locker room. I was like, and did I hear waka room or locker room? It's a waka waka room.

Speaker: Waka waka.

Speaker: Alright, so we go into the locker room. Yeah, you go into locker room. Hell yeah. i hope And then in the inside, you just hear you just hear the boys are back in town playing, you know, like jamming, and then the guys are in there all showering.

Speaker: This isn't a girl's locker room. like Hell no, it's not a kid. It's for the boys.

Speaker: Yeah, Pip's definitely plugging her nose. no they're all so They're all clean. yeah no Have you ever smelled a boys locker room anywhere?

Speaker: no um man, that takes me back to a time that was before now. Wow. um And there's a bunch of guys in there like they're showering and they and there's a bunch doing like that thing where they roll up the towel and then like hit each other in the ass. They're rat tailing each other. rat telling That's what it is. They're rat tailing each other in there and like having a good time and shit. Are there guns in here?

Speaker: ah Yeah, they all they're all they're all nude. they have all They took all their armor off. and they' I want to take two of their guns.

Speaker: Okay, you take two of their guns. Sweet. What kind of guns they got? and They're like, I think like an M4. They're like, you know, automatic rifles.

Speaker: They're pretty deadly. yeah Awesome. Do I open fire on them in here? Or do I just leave them alone? but I'm asking, I'm asking Phipp, like, do you think I should?

Speaker: Oh, you're asking me. Okay. I mean, I feel like we should just try to like sneak past them really because it looks like they're all like, all right, having fun with each other anyway. Okay, fine. I'll just, uh, what if they're ah pig people?

Speaker: You see, they yes you see one of the little eggs over it and see one of the three little pigs taking a but the Kood? Are you serious? ah I open up fire on him.

Speaker: You kill him. like ticket ticket ticket ticket ticket tickety ticket dick ticket And everyone else who's showering with him, because they see him. The music stops like ah like a record. It's like record scratch. ah hang on. And then the DJ in the corner is like, thank you.

Speaker: never The DJ who we did that is now stunned. And he's looking up at you, and everybody in there is looking at you. And they all put their hands up. And I yell out to him, I say, Alexa, play Let the Body Sit the Floor.

Speaker: No, my name's Alex. Alright, Alex. Play Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. Uh... mean, best I got is Limp Bizkit, man. like ah Alright, play Break Stuff. yeah Eww. I only have Roland.

Speaker: Alright, fine, I'll take that. Alright. Yeah, Roland, alright, go ahead. You're not gonna shoot me though, right? And I'll shoot everybody except for you. might. Okay. Eww. Hey, can you infuse these guns with ball magic so I can shoot balls at all these people? No. and dick

Speaker: You can't. I'm not saying- just- that's me. That's me personally. No. And I just like start like fucking like- I just like press the- the stocks of the gun up against my armpits like dual wielding and like- Rambo style. Alright, yeah. You kill everybody there who is helpless.

Speaker: Awesome. You just massacre them, these poor boys. Yeah, and then I grabbed two new guns because I expended this one. um Okay, well, and I'm going to grab a towel, too, for later.

Speaker: Wow, that was the most... Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Was that the DJ was that you? That's the DJ. This is the DJ. That's the most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my whole life, and I'm probably going to be tortured by a survivor's guilt for the rest of my life.

Speaker: Do you want us to kill you too? Are you a pig person? I guess. But really, what is what is the point of continuing if all of my boys are dead? Are you a livestock person?

Speaker: I don't know what that means. Okay, you're clear. um I walk out and I say, have you met my wife? Pimp, come and meet my new friend Alex. Wait a second.

Speaker: There's a girl in the locker room. Girl in locker room! um And he hits the alarm. Ah, you son of a bitch. I go and I disconnect the cart.

Speaker: all All the lights in the locker room turn red and the train just like goes just comes alive basically. and no but the um Basically a bunch of guys start running in from the from you know the the previous like the the trolley problem cart and they enter into the locker room.

Speaker: like I turn the showers on real hot so it gets steamy and foggy in here. They can't see me. Roll me and act under pressure, please. Oh, fuck. I don't have much good in that, but all right.

Speaker: That's a niner. You got a nine. All right. I'm going to say you do you successfully do that. i would safe Are you going to do anything to get out of this situation? Because then maybe he wouldn't. If you can make it extra hot, make it extra hot and steamy over here.

Speaker: Oh, yeah, she'll use like her ball magic to like start like a big ol' fireball, and she'll make the water like hotter inside there so that it's nice and steamy.

Speaker: Okay, yeah, you guys, can you roll me a weird or whatever for that? Like, use magic. Okay.

Speaker: either All right. So two mixed successes together. To me, that is ah that is a single success. yeah um They're going fire bullets at you.

Speaker: through But it's so steamy they can't see. And much like ah the bots in Helldivers, they have zero accuracy. i through the smoke, I guess. And they they miss you, and you guys are able to get through the car.

Speaker: um And I disconnect the train the car from the rest of the train. as i Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. So you guys jump over. yeah um um you As you touch the door, you go to time jail, and then God appears and goes, that's fucked up, man.

Speaker: It doesn't give you a buff. Oh, dude. That picked people. That's fucked up.

Speaker: So you guys jump across to the other cart and then you're you're down there and you've managed to somehow decouple it. Is that what I'm hearing?

Speaker: I'm decoupling it with um magic. what What magic is that? Shooting it a bunch? Yes.

Speaker: I'm going to say you shoot it and you're like, yeah somehow it actually works and you you expend a whole magazine on the gun and you know you expend it and um you can hang out. I'm just like you firing a fuck little bullet.

Speaker: And then it does it cuts. i see Like putting her hand on his arm and just like, hold on a second. And then just pulling the pin from the whole connection. That's all you needed to do.

Speaker: he grambles like throws his hands up and there he goes we're the best ah around nothing's ever gonna bring us down we're the best and then in the middle of that the door this is perfect because the door to the next car gets ripped open and you two get dragged inside no one's ever gonna bring me down you get pulled in and the door shuts and there's an old lady and she just goes shh And then you look around and suddenly you're like not really in a it's like the train car is wider on the inside than the outside.

Speaker: And you just see a bunch of people like like an odd amount of people sitting in like comfortable chairs just reading books. And you put two and two together and you're in some kind of library.

Speaker: Oh, you guys need to keep it down. This is a library and you can't be firing fucking guns outside. What about firing guns inside? That's definitely gonna be a no Sorry, ma'am.

Speaker: We were just trying to get away from some really mean person that came after us and, i you know. don't care. You show respect and you keep it down while you're in here.

Speaker: Okay, we promise. Okay, good. Now go. I want to look for a book called How to Teleport to the Front of the Train and Get Treasure. We don't have that book. It's checked out.

Speaker: Damn it. Who checked it out? that checked it out? I want to go borrow it.

Speaker: All right. so She's just going to lead you to the next to the to the next car. or do you Do you let her do that? Honey, do you have any books you want to check out while we're here? Did you bring your library card? No, I don't have my library card.

Speaker: Excuse me, ma'am. Could we apply for a library card? Yes. I can't decline that as a library, and I can never decline someone registering for a library card. I knew it. There is a fee, though.

Speaker: Oh, it is? What? Yes. You have to pay to get a library card? thought libraries were free. There's a one-time fee. Of how much? What?

Speaker: Your life. well And then she kills you. I was going to say, this is Satan's library. No, it's... Yes, it's quite expensive. 25 cents.

Speaker: Aw, damn it. I don't get paid for like another week. Oh, really? Well, I can take a payment next week. Okay, cool. Well, can I have my library card now? And then I'll just i'll mail it to you.

Speaker: Yes, of course. Here. She has two library cards.

Speaker: that be so Remember, that's two library cards. That's 50 cents. You can do math, right? ah Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Do you guys have that book, The Art of the Deal? I'd like to set it on fire.

Speaker: No, that's already been burned. Oh, good. Okay, cool. Is this one of those cool libraries where there's unbanned books? What does that it mean? We don't ban any books except for that one.

Speaker: Oh, good. Do you have that one about the gay bunny? Yes. Oh, that's a good one. i don't know what it is, but we probably have it. Oh, hey, honey, you want any books? you want to You want to maybe check out like a tablet or an iPad or a Roku?

Speaker: Libraries are doing all sorts of stuff these days. I see this one right here that's like, it looks pretty good. It's called them Ravaged by the Reaper.

Speaker: So. I don't get that reference. I'm going to with that one. What's it about? Yeah, I don't get that reference. This is actual data. um it's it's It's like an actual book that, um you know, it's like a paranormal monster romance.

Speaker: Oh, sick. Yeah, you can check that book out if you want. okay um Yeah. So anything else you guys want to do in here or do you want to continue? you Alan, I swear to God.

Speaker: You guys hear that?

Speaker: you like Yeah. I didn't know what it was, but I heard it. this Incredible. I'm moving next week. I'm so excited. Nice. Was that him howling? Yeah.

Speaker: Wow. That's so good. All right So yeah, we're going to move You're going to move on because, yeah, I'm looking at the time. I'm like, God damn it. was It was supposed to be a one shot.

Speaker: Well, one shot is usually around like it's OK. They usually run. Yeah, it's usually about two and a half hours or so. OK. All right. um So yeah, there's you guys could actually like spend some more time like exploring this if you would like or just move on. But yeah.

Speaker: No, we're going to definitely go on to the next one. Okay. I forgot how many cars we're at now. This is number five. Okay. Can I look for a different book that says um how to lose a bad guy in 10 minutes?

Speaker: ah Yes. and Here, let me show you. And she takes you over to it. Hands you it. Oh, sweet. Cool. I speed read it. uh all right you don't absorb anything ah damn i don't have that skill i thought i might shit all right um i want to look for a book that says exotic vacations for your new 20 something year old wife that we don't have that grand was just like 200 years old

Speaker: gras is like two hundred years old I think in every game we play, this happens. It's either one or the other. Like, one's going after one. Well, usually what it is is all your characters want to want to get with my characters. So now this time I'm trying to make my god do it to yours.

Speaker: There was another one, though. It was a Tulip, remember? Well, he was after... Well, Boom but wanted to go after your doll. Your character wanted to after him.

Speaker: He just wanted to date your doll. yeah anyway um anyway yeah so let's just you know what let's just keep moving and um you know what i'm gonna um i'm going to uh i'm gonna put a nickel in the in the in the donation jar for the library had money yeah i don't know i mean i got like a nickel left i'm doing this job because i'm broke all right i don't got the full 25 he takes it

Speaker: It's a charitable donation from yours truly. ah You owe me 45 cents. Oh, well, I'm going to have a lot of wing-langs when I'm done robbing this train. Just like rolls your eyes and just lose like, here, in hands are a dollar.

Speaker: Just keep the change. It's fine. Just consider the rest of it like an extra donation. Okay, fine. Thank you, too. Thank you for being respectful of the library.

Speaker: I appreciate it. Of course. i love books. Now let me show you the exit. Hey, do you have any tips for the next few cars since you're the keeper of knowledge? What are you talking about?

Speaker: Next cars. The cars leading up to the front of the train. Train? Ah. You're on a train? um i don't think so. I see. I've been here for I don't know how long. I think I know if I'm on a train. All right. Well, you know what? You're right. Maybe I'm just weird um You know, one time, one time, I fought a bunch of chickens only to find out that I'd never left my home.

Speaker: But I was covered in feathers and and and and and peckers but i didn't see any chickens sometimes you just think you're somewhere sounds like you're a real uh chicken jockey and then the the train door opens and you guys fly out of it oh shit she like kicks us both out she turns into jack black You know, all right one time, one time I had this dream that I was eating the world's biggest marshmallow.

Speaker: And when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Speaker: Right on. Anyway, she shuts the door. and yeah, it looks like a normal train car from the outside. So I thought that would be interesting, like a house of leaves, but it's a library. Whoa, it's a house of books. Yeah.

Speaker: House of Books. Wow. That's a reference I get. So we move forward to the next car, I guess. Yes, to the next car.

Speaker: What's it say on it? Does say girls, girls, girls on it? taste Yeah, it says girls, girls, girls. No, it says the brig. Oh, we got to go around this one. I know what the brig is.

Speaker: It's short for Brigadine, and that's a boat. And I don't want to get on a boat. entire ah My boat themed train. tree yes it It's going to say we go inside. We're in the middle of the ocean. Ooh, ooh. I had an idea, Grimble.

Speaker: What if... Stella takes us by our shoulders and lifts us into the air and takes like carries us over to the first car.

Speaker: Like, just skip past all of them. She's big enough. She could she could carry both of us. Are you sure? Also, um you know, I don't think the developers wanted you to be able to do that.

Speaker: You can try it. I mean, that's what they call loopholes for. Why don't you go ahead and try to speedrun it first and let me know how it goes. And if you don't get shot out of the sky by some sort of pig missile, then she can come back for me.

Speaker: Don't you remember those things from back in the day? You know, like when our greatregreat- great, great, great, great grandparents had like those things that you'd attach to the game and the game console.

Speaker: And then you could pick whatever level you wanted to go on.

Speaker: what? Yeah. All right, well, demonstrate for me. Awesome. Okay. So she, like, swirls her hands around in front of her, and then she, like, pulls them apart to where there's, like, ah like a pop.

Speaker: And then all of a sudden you feel like a gush of wind come up from underneath her, and Stella grabs her by the shoulders. And then and as she rolls she rolls weird for me. Mm-hmm. Oh, roll that weird.

Speaker: Roll that weird. A 10. Oh, no, I can't tell you anything about that. All right. yeah And you ah you go ahead and Stella is able to just lift your lift ass up onto the like over the train.

Speaker: And you want to just skip this one entirely. think she has to go to the front of the train. To the first car. Oh, all the way to the first car? Yeah, to the right outside the first door. The train is moving really fast.

Speaker: Yeah. Stella's a really big bat. Stella has to fly just as fast, if not faster. She's very fast. Bats are fast. Carrying someone?

Speaker: I think Stella should have to roll for it. ah well I did. You got a 10. I would say that she's able to skip this skip this car or like laying on the roof or something.

Speaker: But it's going to be hard for Stella to keep up, you know, with like how fast the train is moving for an extended period of time. That's fine. She'll skip this this car.

Speaker: All right. And then ah so now you're split up.

Speaker: No, because I use my magic teleportation powers. that what happens when I get left off screen, the game automatically puts me in a little bubble. Nah. I float over to it. Nah, you gotta go into my train car that spent so long designing.

Speaker: All right, I go into your train car.

Speaker: All right. Hello? It's a jail. Oh, right, I forgot it was it i forgot it was a brick. I forgot you said that. Alright, I go in there and I grab keys and I unlock all the jail cells.

Speaker: Hell yes, dude.

Speaker: Just gonna grab keys off the desk and just like, you know what? There you go, boys. Yeah, it's a bunch of basically, it's a bunch of dudes who were thrown in there because they were just drunk and being disorderly.

Speaker: And they kind of like, they look and like, wait, really? We're getting let out? Yeah, here's a gun. Oh, and a gun.

Speaker: Well, I guess, ah hey, boys. Boys, get up. They all wake up. There's about four in there. This is our new boss. What's your name? They call me Lieutenant Grambles.

Speaker: All right, LT Grambles. Uh, so what do you need us to do? wants to raise some hell. Uh, yeah. hate these guys You know what I'd love for you to do is I would love for you to go and clear all of the next few train cars for me.

Speaker: So that way I could just get to the front of the train.

Speaker: All right. Uh, I guess we'll do that. Yeah. Uh, and, uh, they start moving and they go into the next car. Um, And they're immediately gunned down.

Speaker: just hear a bunch of gunfire. And you just see blood. like um So like you're above the train, um Pip. And you just see a bunch of blood splatter onto the window.

Speaker: She's just like sitting on the the train like right up above that where the doorway is. Just like, whoa.

Speaker: So, yeah. You just send a bunch of boys to their death. ah That's okay. ah I want to ah take whatever valuables they have on their body.

Speaker: They were in jail. They didn't have anything. Oh, dang. I take their shoes. They didn't have shoes. ah Dang. I take their shirts. They're all dead and they're in the next car. ah Dang. I don't think anything.

Speaker: yeah Dang. I want to take I want to keep the keys I took from the warden's desk.

Speaker: You can keep those. Yeah. Alright, yeah, i'm gonna I'm gonna throw some keys in there. Key throw! Activate! And I throw the whole ring into the into the other car and see what happens.

Speaker: Hey, my keys! Aw, dang. That's where I left them.

Speaker: i ah I look up to see if there's a giant bat flying in the sky.

Speaker: Ah, yeah, you see giant bat. But I'm definitely ah above you. You can see my feet dangling. Oh, I'm not really into feet, but I mean, like, I'm open to trying new things.

Speaker: ah yeah Oh, brother. She looks over. Oh, hey, he made it. ah Yeah, I have a long enough. Yeah, I'm like a lieutenant now. So, I mean, like a lot's happened since you've got away.

Speaker: I'm a different person now. Wow. Congratulations. Yeah. Are ready go to next one? Because there's blood all over that window. Yeah, you should go in first for sure. Send the bat in.

Speaker: No, definitely not. I saw what happened through that window, and you can definitely go first. You know what? I will go first. Watch this sick action hero yeah stuff. Hell yeah.

Speaker: I touch the door handle? you know i don't touch the door handle. Isn't it already open? Because I opened the door and they got shot. ah You let them out. they They went in and then they tried to fight and it got killed.

Speaker: but they went and they shut the door behind them? Yes. And then you saw bunch of blood splatter on it. Ah, dang. Yep. um As you dive through the window or touch the, don't know, whatever you're doing. Time jail.

Speaker: You get a buff.

Speaker: What's my buff? Plus one harm on any attacks for the rest of the session or um plus three max health. So like you can take like you can take like three additional harm without you know dying.

Speaker: What was the first one? ah Plus one harm on any attacks. Sure, I'll take that one. Let's go! All right, damage. Hell yeah, let's go. Yeah, we're combat combat's fun, right?

Speaker: Yeah, I jump in the door and I throw all my throwing knives. Yeah, throwing knives. Yeah, had throwing knives. They don't do a ton of harm, but I picked them because it just seemed like a thing. Grambles would have. Hell yeah. All right.

Speaker: So you dive in there and there just there's you see the warden because this is the warden's out office outside, by the way. Yeah. You see the warden in there and he's got a you got a nice desk. It is now covered in blood. You see your dead boys and you see two really tough, like thick boys with the Tommy guns.

Speaker: Tommy guns. Yeah. And they're throwing knives. I throw throwing knives into the barrels of the Tommy guns. Oh, no. The one weakness of the Tommy gun. i so I've seen plenty of Looney Tunes cartoons where if they just put their finger in there, the gun blows up. Yeah, and as they go to fire, the gun blows up.

Speaker: Oh, shit. I'm the best around. Pip just sees another pla a splatter of blood on the window, and she's like, well, that's unfortunate. She goes to go into the room.

Speaker: I'm like dancing in guts. Yeah, you just see a bunch of dead guys, just like, just dead personers ah in there. And, you know, the two guys on the warden and Grambles who just ah fucking owned them.

Speaker: is just doing a Rambo stance over these dead bodies. yeah I'm doing a worm on the ground. These guys are massive, though. They're kind of like... ah they're not like They don't look like orcs, but they're definitely like the size of orcs, basically. Orc-ish size. Yeah, and so they're very ah very strong, and both of them are coming at Grambles right now. He's going to need to act under pressure to get out of this situation.

Speaker: Oh, shit. I'm not good at that. That's a seven. I barely made anything. Alright, so ah one of them is gonna try one of them is going to try to basically get you into a headlock, okay?

Speaker: Oh, no, not my head. My brain's in there. um So you manage you manage to dodge one, but the other one grabs a hold of you, and he's he's getting you into this headlock.

Speaker: ah Pip and Stella, what are you doing? She sees that happening, and she's gonna... but but She is definitely going to throw another ball of magic at the guy and try to hit him in the back to release Grambl. All right.

Speaker: That seems reasonable. Should... Just give me a weird roll for that one. The weirdest roll. 11. That's 11. and So, yeah. i What does that look like?

Speaker: So she... pulls together her energy. She expands her hands again and she throws a big blue ball of magic at this guy and just whack hits him in the back.

Speaker: Oh, oh, that's hot. Oh, my back. And he lets go of Grambles. um Yeah. And what do you do once you get released? Grambles. I grab the head, the dismembered, the disembodied head of one of the drunk boys.

Speaker: And I, i because he reeks of alcohol because he's drunk. Yeah. And I toss it up in the air in between the two big boys and I yell out to Pip. I'm like, blow up the head.

Speaker: It's full of alcohol. Pip, roll weird at plus two if you want to do that. Okay.

Speaker: That's stupid. 11. Oh my god, it's 13. 13! This shit explodes. I'm gonna give that a downside, though. Act under pressure, please, Grambles. One more time for me, please.

Speaker: Ah, fuck. Three. How much harm does that do? i' why I'm gonna get hurt, too.

Speaker: My, my ball of fire. yeah It is one harm. One harm. Okay. Yeah. I'm to say if the head explodes and like, you know, it's, uh, the big dudes get knocked back. And also, unfortunately, Grambles gets caught in that and he gets thrown against the side of the cart, taking one harm.

Speaker: Um, But this is that's OK, because the other guys, you know, they're just generic goons, so they're ah they're out of commission. um You know, they ain't paid enough for this, so they're not getting back up. And and now it's just you guys and the warden.

Speaker: He was it was a little nervous now because his boys are gone. I pick up but and the atomic guns. I blew up shit. ah I pick up. I pick up the head again.

Speaker: i know we blew it up.

Speaker: Uh, I think I just start shooting him.

Speaker: You gave your thought your guns to the boys. Well, I still bow, though. Oh, you have a bow. That's right. Okay. Yeah, you can a shot at him. I'm just gonna lay off a couple of, knock a couple of magic arrows out at him. Give me a kick some ass at plus one. Kick some ass.

Speaker: That would be an eight total. It'd be an eight. All right. Yeah. So you take some shots at him and you get him in the shoulder and you knock him out of his chair because he's just been sitting there this whole time like a little asshole. Oh, what a little asshole.

Speaker: Oh, God. Oh, my shoulder.

Speaker: Why are you guys doing this? What the hell? You guys aren't even. Don't you? Aren't you on our side? Huh? Let's see your uniform. This is a mutiny because we don't like how you pay us.

Speaker: Fuck. I knew I should have included health benefits. ah yeah I got two harms worth, you son of a bitch. Yeah, well, you're not covered.

Speaker: He coughs up blood. Oh, gross. You have health insurance? No. Is he lying to me? No, he's not.

Speaker: Oh, all right. Well, damn. Now I feel so. Hang on. One more question. It's a ward of a prison. Who cares? Who cares? Are you a, are you one of the livestock people? but No, I'm, I, if anything, I, I'm one of the, the owners of the livestock. I control the livestock, the human livestock around here. Oh, but not the, not the animal ones.

Speaker: No, what doing that to animals be wrong. All right, then. I mean, well, hey, I'm sorry, then, for shooting you. Yeah, I just sometimes I just go off the handle. Right, honey?

Speaker: We've been married for like 40 minutes. And, you know, just like she's still trying to after all this time, she's still trying to get hold of me. you know I just I act first. I'm so sorry. Sorry, but I don't I don't.

Speaker: I don't see no ring. ah And he dies. It's... Man, why is everybody always getting on me about this ring? You guys won the fight. Yay!

Speaker: I fell into a burning ring of fire. All right. And then I was rushing. I'm rushing railroad rushing the railroad. a Say you got it. You're in a room full of yet four dead boys in there to dead to knocked out big boys and a dead warden.

Speaker: Good job. Awesome. Yeah. All right. i Would you guys like what would you guys like to do now? ah I would like to ah

Speaker: read the warden's diary. He doesn't keep... I just want to steal his hat. Did you take his hat? Yep.

Speaker: Now you look like a cop. Good job. Nice. All right. we I use the coupling that I learned from my dear wife,

Speaker: And I just I decouple that car from the train as well as we go. to the like All right, you got rid of the the brig. It's just it's falling behind. Eventually you can't see it anymore.

Speaker: Yeah. doing goodbye to That shit show. Yeah, no shit on this show. Now what do we do? next thought Car. All right, the next car.

Speaker: um It says chapel. like Like that singer that sings the Pink Pony Club? i i don't know. i don't know that either.

Speaker: I mean, I'm pretty sure that's who sings it. Anyway, yes, let's go see Chapel Rhone. Well, yeah, okay, so you guys open it up, and inside a chapel. um And you see a bunch of priests um inside, basically praying around like ah like a stone sarcophagus.

Speaker: Um, and they were lighting like incense and you see, uh, basically guarding them are four gigantic motherfuckers in like solid, like metal armor.

Speaker: Um, I would say it's kind of like a space Marine from like where I'm or 40 K that's what these guys kind of look like. Um, um, They seem to be guarding this stone thing and it looks really important.

Speaker: And you're thinking that's probably, you know, what you're here for. Okay. They don't see. They don't see. Here's the plan. I say, you know maybe maybe we we stop at the diner you know when we're done and you we can kind of talk about our relationship a little bit. and you know ah you know Because we just we decoupled a few cars so we can have something to shop around on um but it What did you want to talk about?

Speaker: I

Speaker: shine um i think that's the object that we need to get and steal. Oh, I thought we were looking for gold.

Speaker: It must be inside that stone box or whatever these guys are guarding. The artifact? Is that what he said? ah Drake chimes in.

Speaker: Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. that's That's the artifact thing. Yeah, I think that's what they want. Oh, cool. Thanks, Drake. ah I'm just going to walk in there and just ask for it.

Speaker: Just gonna go in there and ask. You're gonna just walk you're goingnna walk in there. And you're gonna make yourself known. Yeah. um Pip doesn't have to, but I'm gonna go in there and be like, hey.

Speaker: The four gigantic dudes, you as soon as you say hey, the four gigantic dudes all turn and just point their fucking guns at you. And they just say, hold. what's a guy got it What's a guy gotta do to get a shower out here? There's no shower back here.

Speaker: Ugh. Pip's pointing at her warden's hat. Where do these really they get these mercs from? These guys are so fucking stupid. swear to God. I mean, gosh.

Speaker: I swear to gosh.

Speaker: Look, you need to get out of this car right now. Look, we got the we got we got the bones secured. OK, so you can leave. It's fine. It's a bone.

Speaker: Is that what you say to them? Yeah. What do you mean? is It's a bone. Yes, it's a bone. Everybody knows that. That's why this train is so apparently not well guarded, I guess, but you got to get through us.

Speaker: If you want it. Ugh. So fine. She's going to use big magic. She's got go big or go home.

Speaker: And I get a plus one ongoing for of And all the use magic rolls for ongoing.

Speaker: Okay. You can just do that at any time. Yep. All right. I don't know how big magic works. Big magic essentially is like um you dictate what she would need to do to like, because big magic usually requires like either a sacrifice or more time or like certain materials or something. So you essentially would dictate with her like what makes sense to let her make like the big spell work that she usually doesn't cast.

Speaker: But she could as essentially try to cast at any time as long as she has whatever you agreed that she has available to use. Like you need to you need like five bodies. Oh, there's some back there, you know, whatever.

Speaker: Or she gets hurt or something. Like, you pretty much bargain to, like, what... Or I've got, like, potions and stuff on myself that I can increase, like, my Like, components.

Speaker: Like, from D&D or something. Like, she could even have components, but you'd have to dictate needs. She's got plenty of components. Yeah. All right. um So, i do think that you could...

Speaker: um Grambles, you could roll you try to roll manipulate somebody if you would like in order for them to not get physical with you. Yeah, and you should. I'm going to roll it.

Speaker: That's a niner. Okay, so they're not going to... I mean, even if you rolled like an 11 or something, I don't think they were going to give you the bones. They're going to open the fire. I'm not trying to convince them to give me the bones. What I'm trying to convince them to do... Well, I guess since she was saying some other stuff, maybe what I would chime in with is saying like, I just want to sketch it real quick. I just want to sketch it real quick. Can you guys all leave so I can draw real fast?

Speaker: What? No. You're... We're lucky. You're lucky we don't report you right now. Or just shoot you. Quite frankly. Well, if you shoot me, then you'll be shooting an officer of the law.

Speaker: Where do these- Where do you find these guys? Man. This is the worst service ever. And throw You i feel like i probably I feel like I probably took one off of one of the soldiers, right?

Speaker: Did the warden have grenades in his office? Oh, no. You know what? I rented some from the library before we left. I signed some out. ah You have objects that could be combined with, you know, you already made a grenade effectively, right?

Speaker: Yeah, I still have pieces. ah You know what? I grabbed the stomach lining of one of those drunk guys. but Oh, yeah. Liquor. That works, too. Yeah. Yeah, you took ah you took some liquor out of the warden's office. I signed out some liquor from the library.

Speaker: It's 190 proof. so yeah It's basically gasoline. I'm going to shatter it and then like jump out of the car door. And then like tell tell a Pip to blow it.

Speaker: see Wait, what were what are you doing? You're shattering it? Yeah, I'm going to shatter on the ground so it gets everywhere and it's like real potent and fume-y. Okay.

Speaker: And then she can blow it up. Alright. ah Pip, do you agree to that? but Sure. Let's blow this popsicle stand, baby! Alright.

Speaker: I'm going to need you to read a bad situation. Okay. Okay.

Speaker: okay Why? Because I'm to blow up the bone?

Speaker: You know, I forget we have those moves. Yeah, i know. I'm telling you to do this because I just want you to ask questions about this scenario is my thing. I'm just, I don't know. OK. Are there any dangers we haven't noticed?

Speaker: Yes, there's a danger to the mission, and if you harm ah the object that trying to get, ah that would be considered a failing the mission. um ah So that would be, the danger is yourself, really, in this in this situation. Like, the guys, definitely very threatening, but if you do too much damage to, like, the shit you're trying to take, ah you know, you're not going to get paid.

Speaker: Does that make sense? yeah Okay. I would like to cast teleportation magic. All right, where do you teleport? I want to teleport the bone into... It's only on touch.

Speaker: I have to go touch it and teleport it? Yeah. All right, I don't have any weird on my my character. all right, you try to do that, but it doesn't work. But I'm going to try it anyway, because I'm an elf, and we have magic in our veins, baby. You'd like to spend a luck on that. I'm probably going to, but I want to roll to see if I get it first. All right.

Speaker: I'm going to run and I'm going to dive for it. And I'm going to just cast teleportation no jutsu.

Speaker: thank you And I'm going to try to I'm just going to touch it before they can shoot me and just try to like bamf out of there into the and into the next cart or something.

Speaker: OK, go for it. All right. Come on, dude. I'm so close. I got a nine. Now could I could my weird companion help me with the magic spell so we can get a ten and it'll be successful. She definitely could.

Speaker: ah She's magic. she You can see my hands are glowing and like I'm only like partially like leaving reality and then coming back like, oh shit, I promise this never happens to me. Pip, help me. They're trying to teleport. Stop them. And then you his she got a ten. It's a ten. OK, perfect.

Speaker: Perfect. Actually an 11 because I got a plus one. fan Yeah, it's big magic. So. um so what are you trying to do exactly here, Pip? You're trying to.

Speaker: Are you trying to teleport it out? Well, i was going to try to just knock those guys on their asses so that we could run up and he could teleport them out.

Speaker: Okay. All right. So so you don't have a lot of time. um

Speaker: I'm trying to think, like, what would you need to give up for that? Like, what would it cost? Because you're going to do... going to basically do, like, a kind of... It sounds like a... Like a... Like a force wind. Yeah, force wind. Like a huge... Gustav wind, like airbending or something, right? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. like...

Speaker: just knock everyone off their feet and get in make it so that they can't shoot at, uh, grambles. Right. Yep. She's going to like, uh, hit the floor and then like a gust of wind is just going to gust it like gust and then knock them all on their back on their, yeah, on their backs.

Speaker: Okay. Um, and you got 10, um, um

Speaker: Okay, I'm just gonna say you do that. I don't think it's gonna cost you. I don't think it like really. It sounds like something you could just do, in my opinion. um And you already prepped it with your ability. So I really don't think it's I don't know.

Speaker: It just sounds like something cool you can do. um So yeah, you got an 11. um Everybody in the car except for rambles. He was diving in mid dive, I imagine, right?

Speaker: um o ah basically this huge gust of wind comes in and it blows all the windows open like just shatters the glass this is what I imagine and bunch of air comes in and just knocks everybody over knocks the guns out of their hands the priests drop the incense and i it one of them throws it so hard as they dramatically fall it lands on the it lands on the alcohol That's the downside. i teleport

Speaker: And OK, you did ah weird role, right? You got a nine. You know what? I'll say this. If you won't let me teleport it away, can I at least teleport it?

Speaker: Like what's what I'm looking for? Like if it was. like Like, into, like, another dimension for, like, five seconds, and then come back after the explosion? I would say that, like, um all that shit happens, and as they're going to, like, aim at you, they get knocked over, the guns get knocked out of their hands, and Pip just fucking, frankly, Pip saves your fucking ass, right?

Speaker: And you put your hand on it, And then you're like phasing in and out and you happen to touch the you touch like this giant the like the basically it looks like a I don't know like an old like a stone like what is it when I say sarcophagus it's like a it's like kind of like a coffin.

Speaker: Yeah. And as it's a moment you touch it you just teleport outside off the train. Wait I've done it. But still Pip you're still on the train.

Speaker: And you just see just weird. He sprambles, dancing, I'm the best around!

Speaker: Like, how am I gonna lift this fucking thing?

Speaker: Um, what are you how what are you doing, Pip? You have no idea where- You don't you don't know where he went. I mean, you can kind of infer, but, like, you kind of you know he's not in the fucking train car anymore, for sure.

Speaker: Well, while those guys are still knocked on their backs, she's going to take another invisibility potion and run out the back door that she can have ah Stella carry her away from the train.

Speaker: All right. Sounds good to me. Fuck it. Smooth criminal. Yeah, you don't even need to roll because basically Stella, you go out the back and since you decouple it, you just, you actually, you go out the back and then you just see passing by on your right side, you see Grambles lying on the ground with the, touching the sarcophagus.

Speaker: and you're like oh there he is and ah there still is easily able to you know just like pick you up for a second and then just gently set you down on the tracks as the train speeds off you can hear me singing in the background i'm the best

Speaker: roll and act under your pressure no i i been and yeah she's just gonna like walk over and just like Not really like punch him in the stomach, but just like tap him with the back of her hand. Huh?

Speaker: What? Did we win? What? We won, right? Six. That's perfect. smack him for one harm. Oh, my ear. okay he loses He loses his breath for a minute. Oh, man. Baby, you always take my breath away.

Speaker: um as going on the sarcophagus starts to open and you hear the stone like you hear the stone sliding off the top it's like a it's like uh you know what i mean right does that make sense yeah yep so you see this this thing because now you had a better look on it it has like has like a crucifix on it you know uh looks like maybe some kind of catholic art like you know artifacts or something uh And it it opens up and you see a like a femur bone float into the air and start moving back towards the train.

Speaker: Very slowly.

Speaker: Grab onto it I do that. i i the guy I'm grabbing. You're going to grab it. Really? You're going to grab it? Yeah, I'm going to grab it so hard. i'm great it's You had to set it to bone, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: Is it like a little bone? No, it's a femur. It's ah it's a huge bone. Oh, big old bone. It's one of the biggest in the human body. I grab it. You grab it. Yeah, I grab it so hard with my long elf fingers.

Speaker: Okay, yeah, nothing happens. You just grab it. Oh, sweet. I did it. I'm still the best ah around. You can't bring me down. What do I do with it? Do I feel something? Does it talk to me?

Speaker: Does it smell? Yeah, you feel normal for a second, and then you start to feel a little strange as you're holding it don't want to feel strange. strange Oh, good.

Speaker: And you're starting to have trouble ah controlling how fast you're moving. How fast like moving? Yes, like as you try to walk, you end up like just moving into a sprint.

Speaker: Oh, sick, I'm turning into the Flash! But like you don't have any control over it, really, so if you move at all, it's like you just feel really like you feel like you have no like you're you're way stronger than you used to be, and you have no control over it.

Speaker: Oh, shit, dude. ah Where's Pip at? I spent a mile behind you now. ah Okay. um i ah you know what? I'm going to run towards the wall and try to run up it and turn around and go the other way.

Speaker: Yeah, you do it. You run up like a canyon wall, basically. Yeah. And then I run back the other way from whence I came. And I'm like, Pip, stop me. Pip, stop me. Hold me. Hug me. Stop me. Please.

Speaker: She grabs onto him. All right. He's just dragging you. You're eating Dreadle on the ground now as he's as he's like moving way too fast. Stella, please hold onto this bone. Can Stella take it?

Speaker: No. She won't touch it. niha All right. I just yell to the bone and say, all right, Mr. Bone, take me to... The three little pigs. It takes you to the three, it starts dragging you to the three little pigs.

Speaker: Oh, it's working! Oh, God! It hurts you. On the way there, though, because you're pretty far away, you actually see, uh, uh, Bill riding up to you guys on a horse.

Speaker: Oh, Bill! What's up, man? And he's looking at you. He's like, gotta let go of it! Let go! Uh, okay, I'll let go of it. And you just stop, you like,

Speaker: um like You basically fall and you slide for like 50 feet. I'm okay. You see riding up to the on horse. He has a much smaller for He grabs it in the container secures it. Alright, now where's my wing-wangs?

Speaker: you know riding up to the bow and on a horse and he's he's got like ah he has a much more he has a much smaller container for it he grabs it in the container and secures it ah right now where's my wingwx Your wing-wings.

Speaker: yeah Yeah, the money. yeah The money, yeah. 30, 40, 50,000 wing-wings. ah and Here, hop on. you you bring He has the horses that you guys... Oh, this is this is a three-seater horse. Nice.

Speaker: No, there's two additional horses. The ones that you rode that you jumped onto the train with. I'm gonna name you Bugs. That's his actual name. I knew it!

Speaker: Um... And you ride back to town. And you're not harassed by anybody along the way. And aye you're back outside the saloon.

Speaker: Bill says, wait here a minute. And he walks in. He walks inside. Wait about five minutes. He lied. He said a minute, but it was five. I'm rolling some dice on the ground. Yeah. Everybody comes gathering around. We're playing. we're playing We're calling it dirt dice. We roll dice into the dirt.

Speaker: Nobody's loving it.

Speaker: Yep. um it comes back out. All right. Talk to Drake. We have your payment. Who's Drake?

Speaker: Listen, I really appreciate, I really appreciate you, uh, getting this bone for us. It's going to help a lot of people. What does it do? Well, as you see, it's got quite a lot of energy packed in there.

Speaker: um ah Yeah. And, well, we're basically going to destroy it and take the energy and use it to power a city.

Speaker: I know you're to not be... Oh, you guys don't care? I don't really care. I just didnt need some money so I can take my mom on a nice vacation and meet a new suitor. Okay, well, you get all the money you want.

Speaker: This is just so big. it's This is really good for all of us here. So thank you. um And Drake sends you a message, Pip.

Speaker: And he says, okay Well, apparently, ah well, guess you did it. So good job. I guess that was, it says here he checks his notes.

Speaker: Well, it looks like that was the femur of Jesus Christ. Huh.

Speaker: That's pretty stupid.

Speaker: I don't buy that for a second. You see, like, you see, like, Gravel's just trying to, like, read over her shoulders. Like, what's it say? What's going on? Is he talking about me? whats What's he saying? Um, no, just hold on a minute.

Speaker: She replies. ah yeah, m I agree. Do you need anything else for me? ah and need you to check your bank account.

Speaker: And you got 30,000 wing wings. Oh, whoa. Direct the deposit. A direct deposit into wing wings into my wing bank.

Speaker: Hey, baby, how do you feel about going back to one of our many abodes that's left on the railroad tracks and ah maybe pushing them all together and we can take our wing wings and wing bang? You see the ah you see the original ah the cargo container that you guys entered on slide into the station.

Speaker: It's been going this whole time. it went backwards somehow. It's incredible. i Look, our house. I knew. Sometimes it's not you who chooses the home. It's the home who chooses you. Thanks, Jesus Christ, Fever.

Speaker: yeah Don't mention it.

Speaker: well Does it look good already?