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FATE Core - Bloodbath 1.5: Eat, Pray, Drive On The Gigachad Highway
73 Plays21 days ago
Lorelei and Tobias help a man named Biff avoid a biker gang called the "Holy Hells!" They also help him find his best friend Josh.
I should note** This is inspired from a wonderful book called "Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal."
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Transcript
Introduction Amidst Chaos
00:00:29
Speaker
I'm just gonna start it while we hear David make burritos in the background. And then... Can't we just hear the plates and shit clanking? Yeah, I'm recording know you can hear us, but we can kind hear you.
00:00:44
Speaker
But it's just the life that we're living right now. Here's where we are. um Anyway. Hey, good morning, everybody. Good afternoon and good evening. to Welcome to back to the podcast. This is um Hell... No, almost said Helldivers. Why did say that?
00:00:58
Speaker
That's not Helldivers. This is... ah What is it? Bloodbath. Jesus Christ. You skip a week and I just forget what the fuck we're doing. But yeah, that's David in the background. He's making a burrito. Cass is here as well. We were just talking about cakes and...
00:01:11
Speaker
customer service and, uh, uh, and, and that motor rail car that's somewhere in the a Scandinavian country. I don't know which one that carries your car down the highway for X amount of times. You can save gas and all that good stuff.
00:01:25
Speaker
So that's cool.
Missing Characters and Storyline Connections
00:01:27
Speaker
Um, so I just saw the, the ice month or the, the, what is it from a monsters incorporator? He goes, welcome to the Himalayas.
00:01:37
Speaker
Yeah. i Oh gosh. No, I don't remember that part of it. But now I have to, I haven't seen that in so long. All I remember is like, Mike was out. The abominable snowman. That's who it was. The lemon, the lemon snow cones.
00:01:54
Speaker
Oh, we don't hear David making his burrito anymore. geez. um Anyway, our friend, our friend Jacob is out. He got called to work. ah So, hey, we're just going to do this without him because you know what?
00:02:06
Speaker
His character got kidnapped last episode. So it actually works out quite well that he, you know, if he had to go missing, now's the time to do it. ah You know Not go missing. If he had to go to work, I shouldn't say go missing. His character went missing.
00:02:19
Speaker
That's what I meant. If for his character to go missing, not Jacob. We love Jacob. Jacob can't go missing. Roy can go missing, though, because it's a fictional character. um But anyway, so this is Bloodbath. So, ah yeah, last time I don't remember everything that happened because you guys left the rails that I wanted to try to keep you closer to. So I honest to Christ do not remember what you guys did. Like, what was that episode?
00:02:42
Speaker
I know Lorelai was like, oh, hey, i have a crush on a boy. Can you help me keep this hit squad that I put out? Lorelai Lilith Lilith. or Lilith, excuse me, your loyal lie. Lilith was like, oh, I have a boyfriend. He's a bit of a dork. His name's Adrian.
00:02:57
Speaker
But then I got cold feet and I hired a hit squad on him. But now I can't cancel it. Can you guys go save him? And then you guys said, no, we're going to go do something else. Why'd you ever think we're going do that for you? I don't remember what you guys did after that, like at all. I remember at some point you went on like an invisible road, but I don't remember anything else that you guys did. don't either.
Unrecorded Events and Canonical Decisions
00:03:15
Speaker
You went to the city on the hill? Oh, that's right. We went to the city of the light. city a light You were trying to go to the Shining City on the hill. The Shining City on the hill, yes. Yeah, but then you've met a cliff, and then you guys drove off the We used to The angels caught on that we were not supposed to be there, and then we were on a chase. and I took out an angel, and I'm pretty sure we killed everybody, but I don't remember think from the Port of the Old. Did we kill everybody?
00:03:53
Speaker
David said that you guys got stopped at border patrol checkpoint from the angels. One of them, they went to give chase. One of them went chase. You shot one down and ruined his wing as he was giving chase and you got away. And I honestly don't remember what else you guys did unless that was just a majority of the episode.
00:04:08
Speaker
Um, But then I remember you guys were going back towards somewhere to get out of there to recoup a base or something. And then Roy, I don't know if you guys unbeknownst to you or not, but Roy got yanked out of the back of the truck by Lilith, of which I don't know if you guys would know that Lilith did it.
00:04:27
Speaker
But, you know, you you you as people know, but I don't know if your characters would know. But yeah, Lilith got or Lilith grabbed Roy out of the backseat or the back of the trunk and all the bed of the truck. And all that's
Burrito Vendor Roleplay and Comedy
00:04:38
Speaker
left is there is this giant, massive cross, which I cut out at the end because it ruined the hit that I was going for. But he was like, do I still have my cross? And I was like, no, no, you don't have your cross.
00:04:48
Speaker
And so while I didn't say that on the recording, I'm still keeping that in canon that his cross is still in the back of the truck, but he is not in the back of the truck. Yeah. So yeah, so there there we are. I think we're in the right point. David, do you want to have your character have a burrito while you're driving? Or, you know, I could vamp a little bit more. I know roleplay the burrito scene? You want roleplay the burrito scene? Like that, like you have like a little oven in the truck that cooks your burritos?
00:05:17
Speaker
was thinking like more like a little funny guy shows up and he's like, hey guy, you want a burrito? Yeah, yeah you're driving you get back on land. You get back on land after driving on the invisible road and you see just like a little burrito checkpoint. Maybe that's where you realize that Roy's not there because you guys are both giving your orders to the guy.
00:05:35
Speaker
And you just see like a little little checkpoint. And the guy's just like, I just like, hey, that'll be that'll be six dollars per burrito. We got cheese burritos, meat burritos, cheese and meat burritos, demon burritos, angel burritos, dog burritos, cat burritos.
00:05:50
Speaker
ah Did I say chicken? Chicken burritos. um And mystery flavor. What is this thing you're calling a burrito? What is this contraption you're calling? oh you've never had a burrito, lady? Oh, my.
00:06:04
Speaker
i don't know. Oh, my. don't want to say the G-Man. um But yeah, it's like, ah you know, it's like a tortilla and you roll it up with stuff inside of it and then you kind of tuck the bottom a bit.
00:06:15
Speaker
That way the diaper doesn't fall loose and all the shit doesn't fall out. That's a burrito. It looks like this. Then he whips out like a big old
The Holy Hells Pursuit Begins
00:06:22
Speaker
fucking chonky burrito. um And he's like, yeah, it's great.
00:06:28
Speaker
They're cheap usually. But, you know, in the apocalypse, you got to make some money. ah It looks like a little baby swaddled in its little blanket and it's ready for me to eat. Do you want one? Of course I do. You want a baby in a burrito?
00:06:44
Speaker
Of course I do All right. That's one baby burrito blanket. What will you have, sir, in the and the sunglasses? Was I wearing shades? I don't know.
00:06:55
Speaker
I just thought maybe you might be. put my shades on. yes I don't know. ah I'll take the mystery one and he flips a... ah He flips him a coin. Just a coin? what What kind of coin?
00:07:07
Speaker
I don't know. The generic coin you carry on every mission in Hitman. Oh, okay. Right. So, yeah. like So we have no idea if it's worth anything. or like Whoa, this is a Hitman coin. Oh, shit.
00:07:18
Speaker
um Can I use this to pay for a hit that I have that I want? No. Aw, man. All right. Well, what's it for? What can I use it for? I'm grabbing a mystery burrito, right? like before i can even All right. You grab a mystery burrito and a baby and a blanket.
00:07:34
Speaker
Uh, and, um, I'll take a pig in a blanket too. You got any of those? Uh, yeah, it's not real pig though. It's a impossible pig. That's basically what a hot dog is. Yeah.
00:07:46
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. You want to, you want an impossible dog? Yeah. Give me one of those. All right. Uh, so he says, yeah, the coin will carry it. Uh, thanks guys. Um, and Hey, what'd you say?
00:07:58
Speaker
Hold on. Are you saying, is that David saying hold on or? This is both David and Tobias Reaper. All right. Are you going to take a bite of your burrito? Yes.
00:08:09
Speaker
um Are you going to do some ASMR for us? No, that was actually gross. Never mind. <unk> But Tobias is going take a bite of his his burrito. Okay, great. Because he got the mystery flavor.
00:08:21
Speaker
you got Yeah, it tastes like Starbursts and Skittles.
00:08:27
Speaker
All wrapped up in one. All right, he yells right-click.
Biff's Backstory: Lucifer's Wings
00:08:31
Speaker
you hold chucks it at his face ah dang ah you kill him with it ah hell yeah let's go first blow of the day yeah you kill him with a with a with a rainbow burrito um and then an explosion moves and says happy pride in the sky and everyone claps um hell yeah hey uh wait are we missing someone
00:08:56
Speaker
Are you talking? I was going to say that guy's dead. I guess you'd be talking to Lorelai. I don't know. I don't know how to a hit man's voice. So I just talk with a normal voice like I always do.
00:09:08
Speaker
I love it. Okay, go ahead. Lorelai, I think he's talking to you. Lorelai, are we missing someone? She looks around. Um, no, I don't think so.
00:09:20
Speaker
don't remember anybody else. Oh, there was that guy with the crazy legs in the thing that makes me feel all nervous and disgusting.
00:09:36
Speaker
Where is he, by the way Wasn't he in the back of the truck? I was hoping you might have seen what happened to him. Oh, no, no, no, nothing. I was more entranced with the conversation with them the ah chef on the way over here. That was I remember I was driving and then, you know, I was trying to learn. And so, you know, I was watching you so I could get better, you know, so I wasn't paying attention to back there.
00:10:05
Speaker
Okay, that's a pretty good excuse.
00:10:08
Speaker
I don't really care if he's gone or not because he makes me nervous. I have a feeling he's going to put me in that disgusting cross and ah can't live with that. In it?
00:10:21
Speaker
Yes. Not on it? No, no, no. In it, like my soul is going to go in there and I don't want to go in there, darling. Okay.
00:10:32
Speaker
Oh, I thought you were saying in it.
00:10:36
Speaker
Jesus.
00:10:41
Speaker
Just then, as you guys are talking... Just then you hear the sound of like what sounds like a at first you think it sounds like it's ah a large tea kettle going off like a real loud squeal.
00:10:52
Speaker
But the squeal is getting louder and louder and louder. And then just as you guys are parked next to that burrito stand, um you see a guy wearing like loose fitting ripped jeans and a lip biscuit T-shirt and a black baseball cap
A Daring Escape Plan
00:11:09
Speaker
um like crashes down like into the side of your truck.
00:11:13
Speaker
He's like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. And he just kind of comes from the sky like a fucking comet. Just like crashes into the side of your truck, wipes out. You see, he has like a little floating skateboard that's like hovering next to him.
00:11:25
Speaker
He like grabs a hold of it. He like hops into the back of your into the bed of your truck with the giant cross that's back there. And he bangs on the hood. He goes, go, go, go, go. They're after me. He's after you, darling. Just just go, dude.
00:11:39
Speaker
Uh, and like, he's like beaten on the top of the truck. Like, come on, come back come on, come mind He keeps, you see, he keeps like, as you look in the rear view mirror, or if you turn around, you see, he keeps like glancing up where he came from and you see like far off in distance, you see like just like a bunch, like little like specks of light start to form like, like little stars and constellations.
00:11:56
Speaker
He's like, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Come come on, come on, come on, go, go, go, go. ah have to go, darling. I'm going to slowly accelerate. got Is that all the facts?
00:12:06
Speaker
Come on, my board goes faster than this. Come on, dude. Go, go, go, go. Who's chasing you put you dead boy you? It's a stupid name that I call them that they decide to take, okay? They're called the Holy Hells, and there are angel people and devil people that decide to gang up on yours truly, and they're coming to get me, and I'd like to get out of here.
00:12:25
Speaker
Could you please fucking go faster? You're kind of in the place of our other... Buddy, I guess you'd say you could say, huh? What are talking about? We're already down one man. I don't really know if we have time for this to help random people again.
00:12:45
Speaker
are you talking about? What? Who ran? Who hell are these holy hells? Why don't we just ran here? going hand him a newsie. but I don't i don't even know how to what i didn't even know what this is. How do I use this?
00:12:58
Speaker
Okay, put the mag in, you pull the thing back on the top. of The mag? The mag, like magpie? The bird? What are you talking about? but my god. And you see like as you're kind of giving him an Uzi trying to help him fend for himself.
00:13:12
Speaker
You see like careening from the sky with like streaks of fire and holy light strailing past them. You see 13 motorcyclists ah with like like different assorted like garbs, black, white, yellow and gold ah streaks going through the sky.
00:13:27
Speaker
One of them is like waving like a big silver knife in the air. He's leading up front with fiery red hair. um And you see ah the rest kind of flanking him or like a big like V ah shape.
00:13:38
Speaker
And ah they're all just like with like burning fire streaking from behind them. And they're screaming, yelling. and And you see like as one of them like swinging like a chain in the air. You just see like a bunch of like golden fireballs start firing from the bikes.
00:13:51
Speaker
You're like, we're going to get you Biff, you son of a bitch. Um, and he's like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And he just starts beating on the hood faster. He says, hey, pretty lady, look, I'll buy you all the diamonds, tons of diamonds, a brassiere, whatever you want. Just like, please.
00:14:06
Speaker
He's talking to you, Lorelai. ah Of course. Um, what what do you need me to do, darling? yeah to to Get this giant metal horse to drive faster.
00:14:18
Speaker
oh Please, please. And you see, like, there's literal fire, like, golden holy fireballs that are careening towards your truck right now. There about eight or nine of them fired off.
00:14:29
Speaker
Hey, I don't want my truck to be damaged. Yeah, there you go. I'm not the one driving, darling. He's got to be the one to press his foot to the floor. Put your foot to the floor.
00:14:40
Speaker
I'll roll a drive check. Please roll a drive check. It will just kind of go strictly just based on what you roll, what what that makes Can I roll at a self-imposed minus eight? no I'm just kidding. You can roll. Sure. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You can do whatever you want, homie.
00:14:56
Speaker
Wow, you got a fucking five. na five should have rolled a minus eight, man. Yeah, holy shit. what is What does that look like when you pull out? Damn, what does your drive look like? Um, I would imagine that I do like as I hit the gas um because we were just slowly accelerating before and he's like freaking out.
00:15:15
Speaker
Right. I would imagine that um I just hit some sick fucking drifts around some corners. Okay. okay in this fucking raptor and i just effortlessly not effortlessly maybe but um i successfully dodge uh the fireballs and shit hopefully oh yeah that you just see like golden ah golden red streaks just like fly up in the air as like these flames catch the ground making like a hallelujah as they explode um and uh yeah you man you leave all that shit in the dust there's like big old puffs of smoke kind of creating like a black smoke screen giving you some cover right now as you careen away um but you can hear like the loud sounds of the motorcycles um and they're just like they're they're still on your tail and you hear the guy in the bathroom goes hey that was great super fucking cool gonna get your autograph when we're done because that's dope as shit can we make this thing go even faster now please
00:16:12
Speaker
Can Lorelai make some, ah like, spikes into the ground? Like, kind of use the earth to, like, shoot up some spikes to make it, like, a ah Like an avatar-looking situation? Like a like some stalagmites? Well, not really, but, like... Yeah, exactly. Except it'd be, like, those spike strips that they use with the cops, but instead it's, like...
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, it's like oh she's going to make a big wall so they can't come like straight over it or around. Sure. Yeah. OK, yeah. You'd have to make them pretty high because they're still like in the air, but they are coming towards the earth. So that's a good idea. Yeah, sure.
00:16:53
Speaker
Let's have you roll. I guess I think will is your magic. So let's just just have you roll a will roll. and And again, we'll just interpret the role. So i don't really have a set target for this. Holy fuck. ah Six is more than anything I could have asked you to do. That's a success with style for show. Oh, yeah. um I guess we can call that is a few. so Yeah. Do you want to call that a create an advantage role or do you want to call that an overcome role?
00:17:16
Speaker
Which one do you prefer? I feel like that would be creating an advantage because she's given us a way to be able to get away. agree. I think I think even though I didn't set a target, a six is well above what I would expected you to roll.
00:17:29
Speaker
So, yeah, I'm going to say that you currently have two two community fate points out in the pool right now as you bring this wall up and immediately you see like as these guys are coming to touch ground here like and they all just start like kind of beating up against these fucking spikes.
00:17:46
Speaker
One of them tries to go over top of it and you just kind of see the spike catches on the bottom of his wheel and just sends him flying off his bike, ah rolling, rolling several times on the ground behind you.
00:17:57
Speaker
um You have successfully slowed them down. um And like, you see, like, if you look through the window behind you, cause I think, are you in the backseat or you in the driver's seat ah right now? Lorelai. I think I'm in the passenger seat because when,
00:18:12
Speaker
We, oh well, maybe I would be in the backseat because I am, well I think you were in the driver's seat or the passenger seat. You're passenger, I believe, because we served in the passengers. say passenger. Okay. So you see like this dude's like leaning over, like trying to look at you in the and the side mirror.
00:18:27
Speaker
You see he literally has hearts for eyes at the moment. like His fucking eyes are like huge. He's like, oh, my God.
Finding Josh: A New Ally?
00:18:34
Speaker
Are you ah you like seeing anybody or what? Because you guys are careening down the road on these bumpy-ass roads through the trees and the ah and the dirt.
00:18:42
Speaker
His eyes are like literal hearts. He's like, oh, my God. and Holy fuck. Did you do that, lady? I'm seeing lots of people, shit. Yes, I did. Oh, God. God, man. I gotta wear looser pants. Jesus.
00:18:55
Speaker
Um... And, uh... Um... All right, so then you see, like, you see, like, um... Well, you wouldn't see this, but you hear just like a loud like as like something explodes in the background and you hear the the sound of the motorcycles start to get louder again. you see You can kind of tell based on their proximity that they've touched the ground now when they're driving.
00:19:16
Speaker
um And you can kind of see faint streaks of gold and red from this this holy hell biker gang um starting to gain speed on you again. um John Hitman, since that's your name on here.
00:19:29
Speaker
What is your name again? Mordecai? What was it? Tobias. That's it. Tobias Reaper. Tobias. Tobias Reaper. What do you want to do um now that you've ah made some distance between you? Lorelai summoned wall.
00:19:42
Speaker
ah Can I check my resources to see if I have any ah explosives on me? Sure. Didn't you actually still... Did you use all your explosives last time? As far as I know, I gave all the ones that I specifically asked for on the mission away, but I just want to check my luck and see if there's one like a grenade or something. Yeah, and you know what? Let's set your resources like this.
00:20:03
Speaker
Anything above a zero, you can kind of pick whatever assortment you want for like what that looks like. If it's below, then you don't... like Actually, you probably forgot more shit than you decided to grab.
00:20:15
Speaker
um So we'll just go like whatever your number is above zero. That's kind of how you can determine what you have. ah two. So what would a two get me here? So a two, you could have an assortment of bombs that you have with you and then one other item that you remember to grab. Like one other item type that you don't have to decide right now. But if you need to pull if if a missile hot but if you decide to pull it out of your ass, you can say, I prepared that because I rolled a two. So you can have two different item types of things that you brought.
00:20:43
Speaker
And we'll just say that you have an appropriate amount based on like what you're carrying. You know, you can't have like a hundred bombs. But if you want to be like, oh, I brought like two or three. Okay, fine, whatever. I have a hundred bombs in the globe. You have a bomb that explodes into a hundred bombs. You could do that.
00:20:59
Speaker
i think I would want, I think I would want to have some kind of like, um,
00:21:05
Speaker
Shit. you know I mean, can I see the bikes in the mirror? Like, can I see the bikes in like my rear view mirror? You can see a couple of them. So you don't see all 13 of them, but you do see like the fiery, like the one with like the fiery red hair and you see a couple flanking them that are still on the other side. So that one looks a little bit more like he's on the angelic side of things.
00:21:23
Speaker
ah Well, he's like, I'm like, yeah actually, he's more like a half and half. He's got like red on one side, gold on the other. And then the rest you see, he's flanked like red on the one side, gold on the other as well. But like, respectively, the angel and the demons. so So there's like half breeze here is what I'm hearing.
00:21:37
Speaker
Uh, ish kind of. Yeah. And also just ones that decided they're going work together because mean, yeah, they seem like they all equally hate this guy that's in the back of your truck. Hmm.
00:21:49
Speaker
OK, so going check. I want to open up the apartment, though, and check. And it looks like I do find a single grenade. Just one grenade. OK, what kind of grenade is it?
Negotiations and Rivalries
00:22:00
Speaker
Is it just a frag? um I believe it is a frag grenade. OK. and what are you going to do with said grenade? I'm going to pull the pen out with my teeth. OK.
00:22:11
Speaker
And I'm going to let it cook for like two seconds. OK. And then toss it out the window. Back to the window. OK, going to cook it and toss it. OK, let them cook. Let them cook.
00:22:23
Speaker
um Sure. ah Now, are you looking to actually do some damage like you're trying to attack them? Are you trying to? Yeah. so Yeah. this This is an attack roll. All this will be an attack roll. I guess it would be your resources. I guess you just that's what we decided is like your specialty is like you throw your shit.
00:22:40
Speaker
um Yeah, all right. So, yeah, and then I'll roll for one of these fellas. Oop, got a one. Oh, they might roll shittier. So they're just it's they're just a bunch of goons.
00:22:52
Speaker
I'm just going to roll an athletics that we'll call it a fair. Well, they rolled a zero. So um you do one shift of damage. So like you see one of them goes flying off his bike. You totally wreck this one of the demon guys bikes as you throw it off the one in the red with the red hair kind of like veers off to the side. He pulls out this long silver dagger and just looks like he like plinks it to the side.
00:23:13
Speaker
And when he does that, he takes out one of his own boys and just like sends the bike exploding behind him. So now you have a dozen dudes falling behind you, one of which you have eliminated, at least his motorcycle. I don't know if he'd be dead, but.
00:23:26
Speaker
His motorcycle's dead, so he's fucked. Lorelai, do you want to take any other actions yourself before we ah do anything else? Nope.
00:23:37
Speaker
most Dramatic pause? Nope. Okay. was yelling at Aiden. quiet. Okay. Tell your damn kid. Tell him to stop that. um All right. He's playing Fortnite with his friends and he likes to yell.
00:23:50
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah, wait yeah. His voice party's so low, you guys. Like... he It booms through his room. My roommate, my former roommate, used to get the same way playing Call of Duty or Rainbow Six. And that's why we had to have him not play those anymore. Because he just, 2 a.m., he'd be like, fuckadabit, bullshit. I'm just like, buddy.
00:24:09
Speaker
think we're time to cool off. ah But anyway, so, yeah. So Lorelai summons the spikes. Grenade goes out the window. um You see... ah You see the guy in the back.
00:24:21
Speaker
He's like trying to open up the back window and he's like trying to climb in ah into the back seat. He's like kind of dragging his little hoverboard through the back window and he lands in the back seat with you guys up in the front.
00:24:32
Speaker
He shuts the window. He says, you guys are really cool. Thanks for giving me a lift, by the way. Hey, do you guys know where Josh is? I'm kind of looking for Josh.
00:24:44
Speaker
Who's Josh? Only my best friend in the world. um It took me forever to get out of heck. And now I'm out of there. And I really need find Josh because he'll know exactly what to do.
00:24:56
Speaker
What does he look like, darling? You don't know what... Josh is like... Well, it depends. He kind of picks different avatars for his body to represent. But like he usually has like his really curly black hair, beautiful brown skin.
00:25:09
Speaker
yeah He's always wearing sandals regardless of whatever the rest of his outfit looks like. I don't know what that's about. ah But you'd know him when you see him. He's just a really cool dude. um um Just a really nice guy. I haven't seen anyone like that, darling.
00:25:23
Speaker
Well, can you help me find him? Because like he can help me get rid of these assholes. You guys... Oh, wait a minute. Are you a devil lady? Oh, no. I knew. Ah, shit. Are you mad at me? You're not mad at me, are you?
00:25:35
Speaker
For what, darling? Okay, good. Well, let me ask you this. As you guys are careening down the road towards like a city, um he says, hey, ah you like are you like friends with Lucifer?
00:25:49
Speaker
Satan, as he's sometimes called? You're not like buddies with him, are you? course. He is one of kin, darling. okay. Oh, oh, ah well then, I don't know if I'm in safe hands now or not.
00:26:08
Speaker
um Why not? He's wonderful. so harrying and adorable and just, you know, he gives the best hugs.
00:26:19
Speaker
Well, i you I may, when I got sent to hell for killing Judas, I may have stole his wings so I could get out of hell. yeah Oh, I'm sure he won't be so mad about it, darling, because I will be able to, you know, get him more anyways. And I've got this lovely little squirrel-bought kid thing at um the castle, the secret castle, you know?
00:26:43
Speaker
And I bet you he'd be able to find him any wig he wants. So don't even worry about it. You can get him, like, they're his wings. Like, the wings that, like...
00:26:56
Speaker
Angel's kit. Oh, wings. I thought you said wig. Oh, God, no, no. So many wigs at home. And ah so I saw that. yeah Oh, I get it. I get it. I get it. Yeah. He loves playing dress up.
00:27:11
Speaker
He's wonderful. He does love playing dress up. I love people who are good at dressing up in disguises. That's so cool. That's how he walks on Earth all the time. But I had to take his wings so I could get out because I didn't deserve to be there.
00:27:23
Speaker
So I guess, said but then he he is mad because now there's angels and demons who've, you know, formed a fucking super team to come put me on a hit list. I'm the only hit they have, dude.
00:27:35
Speaker
Well, then. I'm sure he has spares. There's a hit out on you, huh?
00:27:46
Speaker
Yeah, like isn't that crazy? I'm so glad that I'm not with a couple of hitmen right now. Because those guys are out there to get me.
00:27:58
Speaker
so so So I'm so glad I'm with safe people. Are you
Seeking Sanctuary and Contacting Josh
00:28:04
Speaker
guys going to be to Josh's place? Lorelei, hold the wheel for a sec. Hold the wheel for He's going to lean out the fucking... They're supposed chased, right?
00:28:13
Speaker
Yeah, there's still there's still ah he's to look out the window with the Uzi and take some shots at can take some shots at the at the gun at the bikes behind you. Yeah, i'm going to take some shots. ae Go ahead and roll roll a shoot roll.
00:28:26
Speaker
We got a minus one. So I'm going use it. Probably going use a community point here. okay you can if you want to. You can make that into a one. if you Do you want to wait to see what I have them roll before you do it? I do. I do. And I like that I can do that.
00:28:38
Speaker
Yeah. So they rolled a zero. So if you lose a fate point, then you'll I'm going use that fate point. Okay. Use a community in my, my, Yeah, I'll use that. I'm not going to use... Some of them are a little unstable from avoiding Lilith's little ah road barrier that she made. And as they're coming up around the bend, you take a few pot shots.
00:28:58
Speaker
ah You take another one's wheels out. He starts to skid out. He sweeps another one from behind. Two bikes go up in flames as these guys, two angels, one demon, are now out of commission. There's nine of them left that are still chasing after you.
00:29:11
Speaker
All right, ten left. Yes. Yes.
00:29:17
Speaker
ah yeah no you're right there's 10 I lied yeah you're right you're right thanks Lorelai I said that was 13 anyway well yeah so then he's just like alright look hey guys I hope you guys are cool my name's Biff okay ah i i I you know can tell you everything I don't want you guys to want to kill me okay but like I'm Biff what's your name let's start there okay hi what's your name young lady I'm Lorelai Darling.
00:29:47
Speaker
Lorelai Darling. What a great name. Lorelai Darling. I'm Biff. It's lovely to meet you. And what is your name, Mr. Mr. with the the the whatever that is that you were firing at the back?
00:30:00
Speaker
It's a burrito. I mean, it's a bite out of this. It's a burrito. He's he's driving with one hand burrito on the other. yeah And he like, so this thing I'm holding is a burrito and he's holding the Uzi like this is a burrito. You shoot this at people.
00:30:15
Speaker
Oh, um, anyways, my name's, uh, Tobias Reaper. Oh, Reaper, Tobias Reaper, like the Grim Reaper. Oh, you're not like related. oh No relation. Oh gosh.
00:30:30
Speaker
Oh, none at all. I've definitely pissed that guy off too. I beat him in a limbo contest by cheating a little bit and he still hasn't let go of it. Um, so that's how I went to hell.
00:30:40
Speaker
Fun story. Um, Anyway, ah yeah. Hey, why don't we just go into that city over there and just go see if Josh is around, okay? Maybe we can lose the motorcyclists in there. You see there's like ah like a big city up ahead, probably maybe like a half a mile.
00:30:54
Speaker
Yeah, that's where we're going, I guess. We don't have another choice. Oh, you always have a choice. We can go wherever you want, buddy. Let's just not go back to where- It said said last exit before yeah city. like Yeah, yeah. What's the city name? I didn't see it.
00:31:07
Speaker
It's called Town City. Oh, I was pretty sure it said a dimly lit city that sucks in the middle of valley. Well, yeah, that's what like, you know, like how it says like Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. It says all that underneath town city.
00:31:21
Speaker
Oh, um it's like the slogan of the city. Yeah, they're just riding the whole. Oh, we're near the shining city on the hill thing, I bet. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very likely. You can see there's like a little little goblin guy who's like adjusting the sign as you as you drive past it.
00:31:38
Speaker
um So do you go into the city? um Well, yeah, mean we're still being chased. You're still being chased. Yeah. But the world's your oyster. I don't want to railroad you because we're not on a train. So you can do whatever you want. I'm going to go find a train. and Yeah. You want eight cars? Yeah. There's a train that carries your car.
00:31:56
Speaker
Yeah, we're going to get on the Giga... The Giga ah the kiach Chad Highway. Giga Chad Highway. That's a great name. For, you know, cool people who don't like trains. So you can be in a car while you're on a train.
00:32:09
Speaker
That's fucking cool, man. um Okay. ah So you guys head towards the city. Um... Biff is delighted because he knows you are going to lose them in the city. You hear the motorbike still behind you, although they sound like they're getting farther and farther away. So it sounds like they kind of like slowed down a bit or they stopped because you don't see them as a prominently in your rear view anymore.
00:32:30
Speaker
um And before you know it, like as you pull into the city, you see this dimly lit city in the middle of the valley, I think is what you said. Yeah. and uh you kind of pull in and it's like a you know it's a standard sizable city you know for what's left in the apocalypse uh there's some shops and stuff you see this is mostly primarily like a more mortal based uh area there's um you see like gnomes and dwarves and elves you see a couple of goblins and other kind of interesting fey looking creatures flying around or walking around um so uh you hear biff kind of like
00:33:02
Speaker
pokes you on the shoulder, Lorelai, and says, so, like, is there a Mrs. Lorelai darling or a Mr. Lorelai darling or or what? I shut the window. Not Mr. and Mrs. I have, you know, many Mrs. and Misters.
00:33:21
Speaker
ah What do you prefer? i don't have a preference, darling. I like them both. ah Oh, cool. Well, with all right. So, like... You know, like, we don't have to find Josh, like, right now. Do you want to, like, go and, like, see a movie? Or, um you know, and do you want to, like, get some crab cakes or something? They probably have crab cakes here. At least imitation. I'm slamming on the brakes.
00:33:42
Speaker
It's why I slammed some brakes. He's, like, in your backseat. He crawled through the back window into your into the backseat, and he's, like, he, like, hits against the back a back of Lorelai's chair.
00:33:54
Speaker
He's, ow, crab cakes. You know, they're cakes. maybe They're hot with crab in it put it in backseat. Get out. keep saying I. I want to say I. I need to get out of the habit. You can say I. It's fine. You can do however you want to do it. Tobias.
00:34:08
Speaker
Where do you park? In the middle of the goddamn room. don't care. This is Apocalypse. No one's around. All right. I was just saying, there's tons of people around. yeah but like, fuck them.
00:34:18
Speaker
Who cares? It's the apocalypse. Yeah, you hear a Goblin Mox Fox. He goes, yeah, I like your style, buddy. Fuck them. And he kind of gives a finger to the city. um And he just keeps walking. so ah So, yeah. I'll walk around to... Okay.
00:34:32
Speaker
I keep saying I. I want to say third part. I'm going to stop. You can say I. It's fine. All right. I'll stop freaking out if I fuck it up. ah Okay. Okay. Tobias gets out of the car. Okay. He unbuckles and gets out of the car because always buckles up.
00:34:45
Speaker
Okay. i He walks around to Biff's side of the car and he opens the door ah and he wants to roll physique to rip him out of the car.
00:34:56
Speaker
Oh, shit. Okay. Go ahead and do that. I'm not going to have him resist too hard. Because I think he thinks... Holy shit. A fucking six. He fucking just yoinked him out like a fucking... Like one-handed with a burrito in the other hand. Yeah.
00:35:11
Speaker
He literally... hear You just see like a little like dust outline of him in the car as you yank him so fast. um And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, dude. Whoa. Like, who the...
00:35:23
Speaker
Okay, you gave me a ride. Like, you just had to do something to get out. Shit.
00:35:28
Speaker
We need to talk business before we go any further. but ah Okay, like what? Okay, I don't know when those asshats are going to come back or not, or if they'll even come into the city. All we need is to get something out of it. I don't work for free.
00:35:42
Speaker
Okay, like, if you help me find Josh, I'm sure he can give you something. No. I don't have anything to do. What your gun is gun back. do you want to you want your burrito?
00:35:53
Speaker
have the gun back. but the What do you want? That's up to you. yeah You need to come up with something. Josh, otherwise we're going to go about our day because and then um ah Tobias pulls out um his alignment sheet and Lorelai's alignment sheet. And it says lawful evil for me, at least for yours says lawful evil.
00:36:16
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. He's a hitman. i don't know, dude. What do you mean? Yeah. That'd be more like aotic chaotic neutral or some shit. but um No, I would say that killing people lawful neutral.
00:36:29
Speaker
is ah I would say that like killing people is... You know, for money, um you could argue that it's neutral, but I would say that killing people is very bad.
00:36:40
Speaker
I'm not going to get like all, you know, a moral relativism in here. So, OK, let's say it's fundamentally bad. That's OK. All right. Look, listen, a I stole Lucifer's wings. OK, you help me find Josh. I'll give you his wings. How about that?
00:36:59
Speaker
I don't need him anymore. I got out of hell with him. Lorelai, what do you think? Well, I mean, i'm pretty sure he has spares, but um yeah give them to me, darling, and I'll just snap them to him.
00:37:12
Speaker
No, you have to help me find Josh first, and then I'll give him to you because I can't summon them until I know that you're not going to just off me the moment I give him to you. Oh, fine, darling. Let's go find Josh then, since you're so inclined to find your boyfriend. He's my best friend, and he hasn't been touched by anybody because that's his vow. Okay. Same thing, darling.
00:37:40
Speaker
Lorelai, what you're saying is that Lucifer's going to want his wings back.
00:37:48
Speaker
I mean, probably. He's got like six or seven different pairs that he likes to just, you know, like clip on sometimes now and then. So, but those ones are his favorite. You don't have to give them back. Just keep them for money. Or maybe you can give them back to Lucifer and he'll give you something cool.
00:38:04
Speaker
Yeah, that's the idea, isn't it? All right. Hop in the car. And he she doesn't let him out in the car. He throws him in the car. Oh, and he he he you you've thrown back in fast enough that the dust outline that was left behind, he fills it back in.
00:38:16
Speaker
um And he's like, he's like, OK, are you sure you don't want me to just get you something? He could heal you. Josh could heal you if you're, you know, are you hurt? Hmm.
Lorelai's Magic and Biff's Antics
00:38:28
Speaker
Do I look for Josh? Like emotionally? No, he could heal everything. That's like his thing.
00:38:36
Speaker
Makes blind people see you know, he's he's got like a whole so fairy tale written about him. He's a good guy. and Are you saying something about my hair? What? What about your hair?
00:38:47
Speaker
i choose to be bald.
00:38:51
Speaker
You choose to be bald. Yes. Well, hey, that's a cool look. I used to be bald for a while. I had like tattoos and stuff on my head, but then I grew it out in these luscious manes and he takes his hat off and his fucking hair shoots out like six different ways. Spiky.
00:39:04
Speaker
He's like, you know, but hey, you know, it's a cool look. You pulled it off, man. Right. Okay, let's go find this, Josh. Oh, cool. You guys are great, by the way. Thank you for doing this. You guys like the nicest people.
00:39:18
Speaker
Right. Yeah. but I don't even know if Josh is here, by the way. I'm just just I literally don't know where Josh is. Does he have a last name? His last address.
00:39:30
Speaker
ah Josh C. His last name starts with C. ah Do you know any other people connected to him? um Magdalene, if she's still around.
00:39:42
Speaker
well get Well, she got that's her last name. That's her last name. Yeah. Mary's your first name. Oh, that tramp. Hey, whoa, whoa. That's that would be my buddy's girlfriend if he was allowed to have one.
00:39:55
Speaker
Oh, it's that guy. my gosh. I mean, i don't know if we want to find him for you. Look, I know you're a demon lady.
00:40:08
Speaker
I can smell it all over you because I spent some time in the clink. But listen, he's a good dude. he could like, i don't know, undemonify you if you don't want to be a ah hell person anymore. You know, he's he's a good guy. How dare you?
00:40:23
Speaker
and I'm just saying and she doesn't want to be.
00:40:28
Speaker
Does she look unhappy being a demon to you? I don't know. She's just I'm too distracted by what she's got going down below the neck. So, you know, I haven't really looked at her face that much. My eyes left here, darling. Yeah, i know that, but I don't want to look at those.
00:40:46
Speaker
He's like, you dress really nicely. all I'm saying. I didn't get to see a whole lot of hot stuff, ironically, when I was in hell. Okay.
00:40:56
Speaker
Fine, fine. I get it. I get it. You know, I am hot piece. I am a legit snack. You're a snack? Like, you can be eaten? Because I haven't eaten in, like, what feels like a thousand years, dude.
00:41:10
Speaker
Um, no, no, no, darling. No. Oh. By the way, that- Hey, Mr. ah Tobias, you're eating something. you have anything left that I could have? Or can we stop somewhere?
00:41:21
Speaker
i am straight up famished. Yeah, let's see what's around here. I'll, uh, Looks like there's only a Wawa. I don't know what Wawa is, but it sounds cool. Oh, no, there's a Sheetz. We're going to Sheetz. We're a pro Sheetz household here.
00:41:35
Speaker
Oh, shit. What Sheetz? Is that like what you like? Are they edible sheets that you used to cover up? He goes in and gets a macaroni bites and shows them in his face.
00:41:46
Speaker
Oh, shit. Mac and cheese bites. Shit, man. These things are like. Oh, God. it's It's like an orgasm in my mouth. Ah, man. Do you guys have orgasms here?
00:41:58
Speaker
I don't know if that's a thing that, like, Earth still has or not. haven't been on it for a little while. Okay. Do know what year it is? No, I have no idea. I don't either, so... I think it was We should figuring that out.
00:42:12
Speaker
I think it was, like, 102 last time I was on the planet. Right. Yeah, I don't know. I'm guessing it's been about 1,000, 2,000 plus.
00:42:23
Speaker
ah Yeah, probably. You don't dress anything like I'm used to. Although I got these sick jeans and this shirt in hell, so I just assume this is what modern people dress like. Yeah, pretty close, I think.
00:42:35
Speaker
Do you know what limp biz kit is?
00:42:42
Speaker
Unfortunately, yes. Oh, is it bad? i think Should I take this off? Is this offensive? I would say it's offensive. Okay, I don't want to piss people off.
00:42:53
Speaker
I just want to break stuff. Pants it for people's ears, especially. Is his shirt loud? Can you hear this? Hello. He, like, starts talking into his shirt. No. Hello. No, no, no. That's not that's not that's not what Can we just, like, shoot this guy in the head and go home? I'm really kind of feeling that, actually, but... No, don't! At least not... Shoot me after you meet Josh, because then he can just heal me up.
00:43:17
Speaker
You're not going to believe this. almost feel sorry for the guy. mean, I could actually just, you know, like, snap my fingers and maybe make his head explode. but Don't do that. See, he said he feels bad for me. Almost, right?
00:43:28
Speaker
Yeah, lean into that feeling. no, no. no I think I'm more interested seeing the head explode. You know, I'm really not feeling sorry for you anymore. Well, if you should, though, I've had such a sad life.
00:43:38
Speaker
Okay.
00:43:42
Speaker
You ever hear the story of Judas? Are you sure? yeah Are you sure? Were you Lilith's twin sister that no one ever knew about? And then she killed you and left you in a pile of dead bodies for you to be pulled out of a cauldron. And it's not even a good cauldron. It was covered in. Okay, maybe it was a good cauldron. It was covered in blood and disgustingness. And it was wonderful for my skin.
00:44:04
Speaker
But now I have to do with all of this? no, no, no. no no no no So do you like have you sure you don't want to just like go out? Because I feel like we have a lot in common, you and me.
A Hit on Judas?
00:44:21
Speaker
I mean, like, i don't mind dating demon broads. I really don't. I'm cool with it. Josh might take some getting used to it. But like, I think we really hit it off. ah Do we still have to go find your friend, Josh, if we do?
00:44:35
Speaker
I mean, i'd just like to let them know I'm okay. At least look, there's this guy, Judas, right? He's actually in one of the biker gang, by the way, he's trying to kill me. He's the guy with the red hair and the silver knife.
00:44:46
Speaker
Dude's a prick. So I killed him after he got my buddy, Josh tied to some boards and nailed to some boards. Okay. So I pushed him off a cliff. Bye bye, bitch. And then, you know, all of a sudden I get waxed.
00:45:00
Speaker
I get sent to heck. And then I got a, well, first of all, I go meet the Reaper. I beat him in limbo. He sends me to hell instead of to heaven. Like I wanted to go to see Josh again. So I get sent to hell.
00:45:10
Speaker
Then I got to bust out after however fucking long that was. I grabbed some wings. He leaves them unattended. Doesn't think I'm cool enough to grab them. I grabbed those bad boys, punch my ticket straight to the surface. And then the hell, the the holy hells come after me and you guys rescue me.
00:45:24
Speaker
That's a pretty sad story too, I think, Lorelai. So like, we both have had a really hard life. You know, Mary had to be without her boyfriend for like ever. At least like three days from what they told me actually.
00:45:37
Speaker
Oh, were you still talking? All right. Okay. All right. Feelings hurt. Okay. i
00:45:48
Speaker
Okay, I'm wounded. You got me. i thought I'd find some compassion here on Earth. i guess not. It's like I'm still in hell. You literally ran into the two worst people to ask for any sort of empathy, darling. Why were you helping me kill those dickheads earlier?
00:46:07
Speaker
Oh, that's just what I do. They were coming after us after you got into our truck, sir. You bought it on us. Wait a minute. are you Are you guys hit handle as well? Tobias hands him his business card.
00:46:19
Speaker
Oh, you're a hit man. Oh, shit. I hear the cops are coming for me. Oh, shit. ah Sorry, I heard that. That's okay. um okay well Okay. Okay. Okay. How about this?
00:46:31
Speaker
I will pay you to I'm put I'm officially putting a hit on the holy hells. If you can kill all oh you know, no on Judas. If you take out Judas, the rest won't know what to do with themselves.
00:46:42
Speaker
She's kind of like the thing holding them all together. I want to put a hit on Judas. You do that, then I'll leave you alone. I'll pay you on a bunch of silver and gold that I stole from Judas.
00:46:53
Speaker
um And then we'll call it even right. I just got to go see Josh about where I buried it. It's been a long time. Okay, so Lorelai, let's huddle up for a second.
00:47:05
Speaker
Do you want me to huddle too, or? No. Okay, he stands in the background. Good. Alright. So, like, clearly this guy's ah looking for Jesus.
00:47:19
Speaker
and Yeah, obviously. and That's like the last person I want to find. Yeah, I i thought so. That's like kind of the opposite of Lucifer, whatever. um
00:47:34
Speaker
He's the worst. I imagine he's probably insufferable, isn't he? Oh, the worst. Oh, look at me and my long curly hair and my perfect nose. And oh, and no, definitely don't want to date you, Lorelai. You're just so not like... She's a scorned lover. Yeah.
00:47:55
Speaker
yeahp but I don't know why he pulled this. Oh my god. The thing I don't understand. and then he decided to choose over me, that Magdalene person, the tramp.
00:48:08
Speaker
Ugh. like And the thing I don't understand with him is like every time he gives someone, the every time he sends a picture of himself, any picture of him, he's always white. He's not white. He's not white, and I have to tell everybody that, and then nobody believes Ah, that was the role players. One of the role players comedy hour, everyone.
00:48:28
Speaker
yeah You see, you see, ah you see in the background as you guys are talking, you see Biff's like trying to do tricks on his hoverboard to kill the time. and He's like eating shit like as he's doing it. um He like falls down and go he goes, you guys good or we good?
00:48:44
Speaker
Yeah. So you don't know where Jesus is, do you? la He like runs up. He's like, are you talking talking to me? No, talking to Lorelai, but... Oh, sorry. think she's yelling at her son. Hey, I don't mind if you have a kid, babe. Like, i'll still date you. It's just cool.
00:49:01
Speaker
I'll be good... I have never had one of those wretched things come out of my body. That is just terrible. No. I haven't either. Another thing we have in common. um God, we're so in sync right now.
00:49:17
Speaker
We so are. We very much so are. He's like a little, he's, he's, he's a little shorter than you. And so he has to put his arm around you, but like his arm goes around your waist and like his head's like at your shoulders. He's like, yeah, babe, i feel like we're really connecting. Right. So let's just go find Josh. You guys go kill, ah go kill ah Judas. And you know, you guys get a bunch of silver and gold and Lucifer's wings. Right.
00:49:42
Speaker
And then you and I live happily ever after in a cottage somewhere. oh I don't really want to go find him. Why?
00:49:54
Speaker
you know him? He's the worst. Josh? No. Yes, and he never ah gave me back my hair clip. Yeah, I don't know how to explain that because he doesn't need it. He's got real thick curls. I don't know what he needs a hair clip for.
00:50:08
Speaker
um Maybe he gave it to Mary. He was supposed to give it back to me and he never did. Mary has it. You know when people break up and you give each other their stuff back and I told him I wanted that back and he never gave it back to me.
00:50:20
Speaker
Well, that doesn't sound like Josh did do it on purpose. So, I mean, you know, maybe Mary took Yes, he did. so Josh is a good guy. That Trump. All right, look again. I don't know if she's even still alive, but come on now. That was my buddy's like kind of girlfriend for a while.
00:50:39
Speaker
So like, be cool. you I mean, he I don't he never mentioned a Lorelai, so like, you know, I don't. ah Of course he didn't mention me. Of course, of course.
00:50:53
Speaker
well Well, you know what? Why don't we just go find him? We'll sort it out. Maybe you'll see that he's a cool dude. I'm kind of like the cool guy. He's like the chill guy, but you know. but She rolls her eyes.
00:51:05
Speaker
for like If you say so. Lorelai, Lorelai, Lorelai. Did he block you? Did you block Was this a time before phones and you didn't you don't have his number anymore or what?
00:51:19
Speaker
Or ever? i'm Of course. I'm like thousands of years old. i haven't been alive in like 400 years. You don't look a day over 21, okay? Oh, you're so sweet and cheeky, aren't you? Oh, just look at you. She pinches his cheeks.
00:51:34
Speaker
Slap, slap, slap. She like, she like, she like Biff, like squeezes you hard. He goes, Hey, all right. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, look, look, look, hey. Come on now. I'm going to do it. He like whispers over to, to, to Agent Sixth Sense. He goes, come on, man. I'm like, I'm like, um I'm almost sealing the deal here. what are you doing?
00:51:52
Speaker
Like, come on, dude. Um, yeah. What do you say? I just look at him. Come on. and He's like, he like gives you a little wink. goes, right? Huh? Yeah. did You get it. Huh?
00:52:05
Speaker
I just glare at him. Okay. ah So yeah. Josh then? Let's go find Josh before those bikers decide that they're going to find a cheeky way to get into the city, huh? Um, like, do you even know where he could be? I wouldn't even know what to even start to look for him.
00:52:24
Speaker
um You know, we could try calling him. How do you call him, darling? He puts his hands together and like he's praying. And he's like, he's like, Josh.
00:52:35
Speaker
What are you doing? Why are you doing that? That is the weirdest thing. Josh. Josh, buddy, are you there? It's Biff. Hello? Like you just like nothing happens. He goes, damn it.
00:52:48
Speaker
Man, he almost always picks it up. Crap. That almost always works. Do you guys have his number? Did he change it since I died? Is there like a ah ah chapel in town anywhere like a church?
00:53:00
Speaker
ah Yeah, you can see the Church of Churches on Church Street, ah not far from where you are. Sweet. um you Why don't we go why't we try going to church? maybe Maybe the tower will give us, you know, steeple there will give us better reception. You know what? You and I were thinking the same fucking thing when you said that. and Okay.
00:53:23
Speaker
I was thinking literally the same fucking thing. Dumbasses think I'll stick like her. So yeah, he says, oh dude, that's such a good, I haven't, right.
00:53:36
Speaker
I forgot that church was like a real big thing. ah forgot that he did like his own religion after I died.
00:53:44
Speaker
Huh. Right. I don't think that's exactly correct. I don't know. I've been dead by his memory's a little hazy. All right. You drive over to the church churches on Church Street. Yeah, which is ah which is but already on Church Street. So it's not a very long drive. Yeah, it's not a very long drive. You're on the road for maybe 25 seconds. You get there. You hop out.
00:54:01
Speaker
Church is actually just starting to, you know, the bells ringing. Bing, bing, bing, bing. um And ah you ah you see people in like their their finest garbs, their Sunday best going into the church.
00:54:15
Speaker
All right. Come on, Biff. Okay, I'm kind of nervous if I walk in there. I'll burst in into flames, though. Lorelai, you definitely might. Well, she's not going in, and you're not a... You're not a demon or anything, right? so I don't think so, but I was there for a long time, dude. um what about What if you touch that cross in the back?
00:54:38
Speaker
Seems like you've been touching it the whole time, and you've been fine Yeah, I guess you're right. I i mean, it's a little different than the one that I thought you know that they used to ah kill my buddy on but um yeah you're right yeah i was just kind of chilling on on the back of it for a while i should be okay cool good point come on you're such a smart guy dad i mean tobias um and uh he uh he hops out the truck and follows you to the church uh all right lorelei do you go to the church or do you stay outside um i would say she stands right outside because she knows that the
00:55:13
Speaker
probably not a good thing for her to walk into a church that has, Jesus image. You did burn one down recently. I did burn one down recently. Yeah. um Okay. So you stand outside, you see so many men with their wives and women with their husbands ah who are like giving you a second look on the way past to the door, like, oh wow. Okay.
00:55:37
Speaker
um You know, like that ah that meme that of the of the guy looking at the girl. It's pretty much that, but everybody's doing that as we walk in. Yeah. Rubberneckers.
00:55:49
Speaker
Yeah, and you see one couple looks at each other and I'm not even mad. We can ask her when we're done praying. Okay. And they go missing they go back inside. um And so Biff goes into church with
Lorelai's Transformation and Gifts
00:56:02
Speaker
you, Tobias, with Lorelai standing outside, and he's like...
00:56:08
Speaker
Okay, so like, do we just ask the man up there in the cloth if youll if he can call Josh for us or? um No, I don't think you need to do that. Oh.
00:56:20
Speaker
He looks like he's preaching, so like, do we we ask him to stop? I don't know what the rules are. First off, how about you know your voice? Oh, sorry. And you're going to go into this pew in the back because we don't want to draw any attention.
00:56:35
Speaker
Okay, anybody go take a pew? Yeah, and then you go kneel down and try to call your buddy up. ah Okay, and you hear the guy up front, there's there's an elven man in a purple and black cloth standing up there, and he's kind of speaking in some sort of like elvish tongue to the people of the, of the what do you call the congregation? Yeah.
00:56:56
Speaker
And so Biff walks over to the pew and he's like, OK, let's see him. All right. um And he gets down and he starts to pray. And while you guys are in there doing that, Lorelei, would you please roll for me a notice roll?
00:57:12
Speaker
um Just because, whoa, a minus two. A negative two. Jesus. He's here? He's here? here
00:57:24
Speaker
Um, Lorelei, uh, yeah. So you're standing outside. There's a couple of people just kind of like crowding around you like that decided not to go in church. And, uh, they're kind of doing a little bit of chit chatting with you, kind of hit you up. And the the one lady's like, my word, you know, I've never known anybody to wear just an all black dress like that to a church. But I mean, wow, you are killing it, girl.
00:57:47
Speaker
Thank you, darling. I designed it myself. Wow. You made your own clothes. Well, that's just great. Um, yeah. So are you, um, you know, not that, you know, we're taught not to judge, but are you, um, a lady of the night?
00:58:04
Speaker
Oh, no, darling. but Thank you. That is very flattering. oh okay. I was just trying to think of something to get my, get my husband for his birthday. Um, uh, so, um, but Hey, uh, beautiful dress. Uh,
00:58:19
Speaker
I was also just wondering. No, go ahead. Do you want me to give you something to give your husband? Oh, like what? like Do you sell? Do you have something for sale? I mean, I got ah got a few pieces of of gold on me.
00:58:36
Speaker
You know, i could yeah I could make you like a sexy dress or something, or I could make your boobs bigger, or I could, you know, make you some lingerie for him.
00:58:50
Speaker
For him? To wear? No, for you to wear for him, darling. oh I don't know if I have the... Look at you. You're beautiful. You've got the perfect little body for it. Look at you. Oh, look at... It just needs some bigger... Yep, she she like pushes up her boobs. She's like, yep, you just need some bigger... ah Of these. Yeah, darling, and I can help you there. And then, you know, this would look perfect on you. And then he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you.
00:59:17
Speaker
oh I mean... you know what ah we're we're people of of faith. yeah know i just I don't know if it's if I could do that to my body. you know you know i don't um maybe Your husband would thank me for it. i Do you actually want to try to convince her to... You could do like a ah ah rapport roll if you're actually trying to convince her to let you do magic on her.
00:59:42
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, sure. You can roll rapport and see see what you get. I got a three. Pretty good. And she's not really, i don't think I would roll for her to resist. I think that's just an honest rule. I think a three is more than enough that she goes, you know what?
00:59:55
Speaker
Let's, let's do it. He's in there right now, giving a wonderful sermon to the, to the congregation. And this is my perfect opportunity to, I don't know how you would do that. Is it like, do i have to get surgery or do have to schedule something with you?
01:00:09
Speaker
Like, what what do I have to do? Oh, I almost didn't recognize you. She says inside her brain. um And she goes, Oh no, darling here, just close your eyes.
01:00:21
Speaker
you know That's not Josh giving a sermon in the church. It's not Josh. oh Okay. Okay. Good. Okay. Nevermind. No, that's Josh. It's just an elven man. This is an elven preacher.
01:00:32
Speaker
Okay, okay, okay. I was going to be really mean to give her a tail. No, I realized you thought that was Josh. That's not Josh. That's just an elven preacher doing his thing. Okay. yeah um At least you know I was paying attention.
01:00:45
Speaker
Yes. she's going to go, oh, no, no, no, darling. I just have to snap my fingers and then like some of my magic is just going to you know go envelop you and then it'll be poof.
01:01:00
Speaker
it'll be like Like that. Oh, okay. um Sure. Can we do it in front of everyone? I'm a little nervous that people are just going to see. Should we go somewhere?
01:01:13
Speaker
Like away from crying eyes. I don't want to. I don't know. She's like kind of covering herself a little bit. She's a little nervous. She's like, I don't know. I just don't want people to think ill of me if they just see me just kind of doing this out in the middle of the open, you know?
01:01:26
Speaker
Here, darling, we'll go in the the metal pony thingy that we've been riding in, and I'll do it inside the truck. How's that? ah Sure. yeah okay. yeah Yeah, you know, I know what a truck is. you know ah Why did you call it a metal pony?
01:01:43
Speaker
um I don't know. I thought it... I didn't... i These were not around when I was alive, darling. Oh, are you are you like an angel or something?
01:01:54
Speaker
Kind of. Oh, wow. Wow. but Why didn't you say so? Okay, great. ah Yeah, let's go into your metal pony. She winks. ah She's like, yeah, let's do this. That's wow. I'm getting a blessing from God himself.
01:02:07
Speaker
Wow. um And yeah, she follows you over to the to the Ford Raptor um too and ah ah hops in the truck with you. And she's like, OK, so what do I need to do?
01:02:18
Speaker
Close your eyes, darling. Okay, I trust you. You're one of God's servants after all. um And she closed her eyes. You want me to roll a will?
01:02:30
Speaker
Yeah, please. We'll just see. just We'll just interpret the results just based on... and don't want to give you a barometer to measure... or like a goal to reach to like give this woman a boob modification or beautiful for all right you you increase her her her chesticles by four sizes um wow yeah she's like her her shirt starts to stretch and tear a little bit um and she's like oh are we done did i did i do it am i am i cute
01:03:03
Speaker
Oh, you look wonderful, darling. Oh, wow. I could keep pencils in there and change too. um And ah she pulls out like a handful of probably like six or seven pieces. We'll call it seven pieces of like little little chunks of gold.
01:03:20
Speaker
And she puts them in your hand and she clasps her hands over your hand. She goes... Thank you so much, angel of God. I just, you know, we pray to you every day. And, ah you know, my husband is very faithful and he always gets just great servants and and and and touches everyone.
01:03:35
Speaker
And I just I just knew that eventually the God would talk back to us. And here you are. So thank you so much. And please, this is for you to take back for all your little angels and helpers.
01:03:46
Speaker
And she puts the gold in your hands um and um starts to open the truck door. Do you say anything? ah You're welcome, darling. Yay!
01:03:57
Speaker
and she starts skipping off. And as you as you're doing that, you're watching kind of run, trying to get used to the equilibrium of her new chesticles. ah you so You feel wrapped around your throat from the yeah the back ah window of the Ford Raptor sitting in the bed of the truck.
01:04:16
Speaker
ah You see a like a silver dagger just wraps around your throat and you hear a voice say, Okay, now which one are you? um And while you're sitting there doing that, we cut into the church where Tobias is sitting with our friend Biff in the church.
Faith, Sincerity, and Deceptive Prayers
01:04:34
Speaker
And ah you hear him. He's talking into his hands again. He says, hey, buddy, I could really use like, I don't know how to do this. That's not how I talked to you before, but like, I know this is how people do it.
01:04:46
Speaker
And like the sirens, the sermon is still going on. He kind of like whispers to the side of his mouth to you, Tobias. He goes, bias I don't know if I'm doing it right. I just, I don't know how to do this. Like how to, what do I do?
01:05:00
Speaker
It's not working. Well, let's see. Um, it's been a while since actually, no, that wasn't this body. Uh, well, are you, do you pray? Are you a man of faith? Like maybe you can help me get a better signal or something. I don't know what I'm doing.
01:05:16
Speaker
Yeah, so ah I spent some time in a church trying to make up for what I've done, but no. Have you done a lot of bad things?
01:05:28
Speaker
Look, you just do this and he's going to he's in a copy what Josh, whatever the fuck his fucking name is, Biff. Biff? a
01:05:39
Speaker
um Okay, but you have to really mean it, okay? You have to be very, you know, it's like Jesus will know if you're lying to him that you need help or that you're calling for selfish reasons and you have to be ah willing, you know, actually willing to repent and that am for selfish reasons, though.
01:05:59
Speaker
I just want to not be hunted down by Judas and his friends. And do it these days. Well, lie to yourself so much that you believe it, then... You know, you could try that. That's what I do. And I rolled a sieve to try and call Jesus.
01:06:13
Speaker
So you actually don't feel bad about anything. You're just trying to lie to the Christ. So I'm rolling my best skill to pass the skill check for some stupid reason. Okay. You know what?
01:06:24
Speaker
I feel like I should make this a contest ah contested role, but, um, you know what? Let's just see if you get at least a four. We'll say that you, you pass it.
01:06:36
Speaker
Uh, uh, Well, that's one. ah You do have fate points left if you want to try to find a way to see if you can use Call Jesus.
01:06:47
Speaker
the Call Jesus. mean, there's ever a time to like... yeah I don't think I have an aspect that has... I don't know if you do either. i don't think desires murdering targets on those cute in obtuse ways.
01:06:59
Speaker
I guess if I thought that Jesus was going to kill this man... He won't. Right. Right. um So I don't think I can use a... I don't think I get a free pass here.
01:07:11
Speaker
I don't think that's what happens. I just want the audience to know that I'm playing this straight how I think Josh himself would act, by the way. so like Doing Josh RP today. Yeah, I'm doing real Josh RP. you know We have our own commentary on how a certain faith works, but I think the man himself was a good dude.
01:07:26
Speaker
So like... um So, uh, yeah. So you try to do that and like you both are sitting there and he's trying to copy whatever you're doing and you just kind of hear like a bunch of static and he's like, I thought you were good at this. Did you like, are you not sincere? Are you not sincere either? Yeah. just hear like, do you hear that?
01:07:45
Speaker
Yes, I hear it. And I didn't hear it until you started doing it. Well, you try to, uh, boost my signal, so to speak. All right. do you want to like put our hands together and do like a bro prayer or something? Do, uh, here. Yeah.
01:07:58
Speaker
And just at that moment, the we start to do the Our our Father, you know, before communion. Oh, I see. Okay. There you go. that starts I like that. That's pretty good, actually. It's a good idea. So guess that seems like something that Tobias would know.
01:08:12
Speaker
um But no, he like part of the hit, like one of the hitman games, remember which one starts off with him at like a ah in Italy, like in Rome. Right. Like he's he's genuinely like asking for forgiveness before he goes and murders people. Right.
01:08:26
Speaker
um Well, no, he's like he swore that life off and then he gets pulled back in. I think it's. Oh, right. and i see. Yeah. OK, whatever. Who cares? But. i Yeah, no, this time he's straight up lying. He's not regretful or at all.
01:08:39
Speaker
And also, it wasn't him that did those murders. Technically, that's true. That's true. I mean, are you still trying to, like, deceive Joshua in this moment? Like with Biff? I'm not saying you can't. I just want to that's what you're still trying to do.
01:08:53
Speaker
Yeah, because he's not, well, he yeah, when he's praying, you know, really he's not. You told him to be honest. Yes, but him himself, he does not actually care about.
01:09:04
Speaker
um He doesn't like care about, you know, this for quote unquote forgiveness or whatever, right? Is not worried about that. Right. And Biff's sitting there. He's like, I just want to like, I just want to see my buddy.
01:09:17
Speaker
And yeah, I'm scared. And yeah, I have stuff that I want to do. But like, it's all just because I'm scared, man. That's it. Aren't you ever scared, Tobias? Like at anything? I'm just scared that like I'm not going to see him before these guys take me back to hell.
01:09:30
Speaker
Tobias just really wants that money. He wants to see what happens when he gets fucking Lucifer's wings. Is that real? Like, cause you can lean into that. That's real. You can lean into that. Like I'm only doing this. tonight yeah But to do that, he will deceive Jesus.
01:09:45
Speaker
That's what he says. That's the logic there. But you could also lean into like, just like, this is what I want. I'm praying. Cause want things. Cause a lot of people do that. They say, bless my mommy and my daddy. And I want a truck and a bike, you know, like that's exactly what he's doing.
01:09:57
Speaker
Yeah. So like, if you do it that way, you could do a different skill. Uh, unless you still want to do deceive. I think it's still... So, I mean, metagame, I would like to do Deceive still, but... Okay, you know what? Why don't we do this? ah Why don't we have you roll Deceive against ah Biff? ah like ah Like a created advantage to see if like you can kind of manipulate that a little bit.
01:10:18
Speaker
And then... Yeah. yeah So, I'm gonna... Got a plus four. That's a four. um I am going to roll for him, but like um he's like mostly trusting you, so it's going to be like a real basic. So I'm just going to give him like an average on like just kind of checking it. He only gets a two, so you beat him, so you get an extra ah fate point that you guys get to use.
01:10:38
Speaker
And so, like yeah, like you kind of talk him through, and he goes, okay, yeah, like I believe you. So you've lied him into being... like sincere like he thinks he's lying about like not wanting things but like he's found like a sincerity through it by being like i'm scared and like i want things from you but it's because i'm scared not because i want to be rich anything so you've kind of inadvertently talked him into like being sincere through what you were doing unless that's what you were trying to do but like that's kind of what i was doing yeah so you yeah you've you've taught him to be sincere in his prayer so like now if you want you have two fate points you can use to try to lie to your way to talk to josh huh can i give those can we have josh do the role and then i we could add you mean give him my fate points sure okay yeah that's what i want to do i'm just gonna give him a plus two in fair or in uh in rapport um
01:11:32
Speaker
Wow, holy shit. He rolled all four pluses plus a two. Holy shit. It worked. Wow. you Without your fate points. So if you give him those two, you would give him a 10, which would be like the highest roll we've had in this fucking game.
01:11:46
Speaker
Um... So, uh, unless you want to keep those, cause you don't have to give them to him. A six is still pretty good. Um, well, I want like Jesus to show up. I want to give him one. I want Jesus to fucking like pull up in a goddamn limo or something. all right. You give him one.
01:12:00
Speaker
Um, and then, uh, you see the lights start to flicker a little bit, just like real quick. Yeah. Um, and you just feel like this kind of like energy kind of in the room that like the air gets like a little, not cold, but like chill.
01:12:15
Speaker
Like it's very like, like a warm, like, like a cool summer breeze or a cool spring breeze just like comes over the water and you kind of feel like this baptism of just like this, like refreshing air hit your face. Um, yeah.
Spiritual Encounter and Revelations
01:12:28
Speaker
And you see everybody in the room just kind of like looks up as if they just smelled something like very heavenly and very delicious. um And you see like ah Biff's eyes light up and he goes, holy shit.
01:12:41
Speaker
um And like he starts looking around. He goes, he starts like tapping you on the on the shoulder. he's here. He's here. He's here. He's here. Guys, he's here. And he like started. He jumps up out of the pew and like races towards the door um and and rushes out to the front.
01:12:55
Speaker
All right. I'll follow with him, but I'm going to, you know, walk out like a gentleman right now. Tobias is going to walk out like a gentleman and not rush. OK, yeah. And you see as you're walking out, like the the elf preacher up in the front, like everyone's quiet, like he looks like he's trying to like going to speak. But then like the words don't come um and you walk out.
01:13:18
Speaker
um And while you're doing that, ah we cut back into the truck. Lorelai, you have a silver dagger to your neck. um And you hear somebody say, which one are you?
01:13:31
Speaker
What do you do? What do you mean, which one of them i Which one of the demon skanks are you? Okay. I know you're one of the ones that just has to come up and be all flirty and do all the things, you know, just to manipulate the easy minds of mortals.
01:13:47
Speaker
Just which one are you, okay? I can smell it all over you. Which one are you? What are you talking about darling? I'm a vampire. No, I don't think so. Yeah, she yeah i think that's a good idea. ro he like shoots out her like bangs.
01:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, roll deceive against ah this man. oh my God, three rule plus three. Okay, so I'm going to roll. What is the usual the usual roll for? ah is it empathy, I think? Yeah, so I'm going to roll. I'm going to say it's probably like a two with that. The detective people are kind of like lying to him.
01:14:23
Speaker
Uh, but he rolls a two. So you beat him by one. So like, he kind of like loosens his grip a little bit and he goes, I mean, I, I, I don't know if I fully believe you, but like, you do kind of smell like that.
01:14:34
Speaker
And he's like, he gives like a real big sniff, like through the back window. And he's like, ah, damn it. I've been hanging out with these half breeds for too long. And he pulls the knife away. he's like, well, geez, I'm real sorry about that, ma'am. I swear that you were the one that was summoning sticks to kill my friends.
01:14:51
Speaker
Um, and I thought, no, no, darling, you're probably smelling the cross in the back of the truck. That's probably what she was smelling. Oh no, I'm taking this. I'm going to take this with me. Cause this is really cool.
01:15:02
Speaker
It's really fucking heavy though. So might need to get the boys to please take it. um I might need to get the boys to turn their trucks or their, their, their bikes into a car to carry it. I was going to say, there's no way he can lift that. No, he no, he's like, trust me. I tried before I put the knife to your throat. I couldn't move it.
01:15:20
Speaker
Um, Yes, you can have it, darling. I don't like it. Cool. All right. Well, you're in this truck of the people that were killing my guys. So, well, killing their bikes, which is honestly more of a of a drag. so So where's the asshole that was shooting at my boys? I see the oh i see the confusion. Yes, yes, yes.
01:15:43
Speaker
um See, i was over there next to that church right there. I was getting ready to go in to listen to the sermon and i was approached by the lady that was in this truck and she told me to sit in here so that nobody stole it.
01:16:01
Speaker
And then she went in there. Oh, is that it? That sounds like you're totally telling me the truth. That's great. Sounds like another deceive check. Yeah, I was going to say. Sounds like maybe maybe roll another deceive, and let's also put that as a three to see if you're still good at bullshitting.
01:16:20
Speaker
You a community fake point. Don't fuck me now. i that's right ah He's like, oh so I have to go after that like big jug lady over there. She was the one that did it. Okay.
01:16:33
Speaker
Wait right here. Thank you for your service, ma'am. I'll be right back. And he hops off and you see he like starts to go into like Skyrim crouch mode as he's like kind of inching up towards this lady who's standing outside the church, like just kind of like admiring the work you've done on her.
01:16:47
Speaker
um No, no. Inside the church. Inside the church, darling. They went inside. Oh, I thought this was her. No, no, no, no, no. a no that They went inside the church. That lady was just standing there with me and we were having a conversation.
01:17:01
Speaker
Oh, oh. All right, then. um And he goes to walk inside the church. And just as he does that, the doors burst open and he comes face to face with Biff and Agent 69.
01:17:13
Speaker
um And like Raida is like Lorelai, as you're having a conversation with him out of the truck. Uh, you feel the air just get like real chill. You feel like kind of like a, like just like a very calming breeze just hits the air.
01:17:26
Speaker
Um, and you see you standing just kind of like with his hands in his pockets. He's wearing like really loose fitting jeans, uh, sandals, uh, and like a really loose fitting, like kind of white shirt. Just like really just kind of hangs off and real baggy.
01:17:38
Speaker
He's got like really glorious, like kind of like, um, like just really thick brown or black hair. That's real curly. Uh, and he's got kind of almost like, um, not exactly aviators, but kind of similar looking kind of like glasses on that like, you know, go tinted in the sun.
01:17:56
Speaker
Um, and, uh, he just kind of standing there kind of looking around. He's like, did someone call me? Somebody here needs me. Who called me? Who was that? Uh, the signal was kind of choppy, but Tobias points at a Biff.
01:18:11
Speaker
He, he like turns his head. He's like, probably like ah hundred meters from him a hundred, a hundred feet from him. And he's like, Oh my gosh. I mean, my dad, Biff.
01:18:22
Speaker
and And you see, they run in like slow motion towards each other. um Well, everybody else is walking in normal speed. Like they're running in slow motion. They have like a really great embrace.
01:18:33
Speaker
um And you see Judas is like standing there with a silver knife in his hand. He's like, Oh no. Ah, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. um And you see immediately just like looks like really pale in the face and he turns and looks at you, Tobias, as there as the two guys are hugging and he goes, Hey, wait, you're the one that shot at my boys, aren't you?
Divine Interventions and Negotiations
01:18:53
Speaker
Can I roll resources? Shoot him, darling. Can you roll resources to do what? just want to see if I have something. I mean, you still have one other thing that you haven't chosen yet that you can just have. Well, have my bag of 30 silver coins.
01:19:07
Speaker
Yes, you do have your bag of silver coins. And I want to be like, here. Oh, shit. It's so funny to me. don't know why it's so funny. So you give him 30 silver pieces? Well, no, yeah, give him as in like throw it out of space.
01:19:19
Speaker
Oh, you're going to hit him with them. Okay. Yeah, use it as a as a... to hit him. Sure, roll roll just resources as an attack, and we'll see as a fight roll, as an attack roll.
01:19:31
Speaker
I want to see what I roll. three. Okay. I want to use community point to but buff that up to five. Okay, you buff it up to a five. um I'm just... like I'm going to have him roll for athletics, but I'm not going to have him roll very high this time because I don't think he sees it coming.
01:19:48
Speaker
ah So I'm just going to give him a one on it. So he rolls a zero, so you succeed with style. so um And then some, yeah. And then some, abso-fucking-lutely.
01:19:58
Speaker
um So yeah, you do five... You hit him for five shifts of damage with that fucking... So you just... like how do How do you hit him with it? does it look like? um let's I say, here I think you dropped this.
01:20:11
Speaker
And then I swing it around and chuck it. and then the So like the bag basically, like all the coins hit him in the face first. Oh, so like it opens and hits him?
01:20:22
Speaker
um No, I would imagine the bag is like it's all bound together. I see. Okay. But then as it hits him in the face, the bag then explodes. You see coins go everywhere. And he like lands on the ground, his silver dagger, like, like tink, tink, tink, like hits the ground.
01:20:35
Speaker
And he's just like laying with like little birdies flying around his head, like in just like a pile of change on the ground, like silver pieces. And yeah, I'm just going say he successfully just knocked him right the fuck out. Like, I don't think he saw that coming.
01:20:47
Speaker
um So yeah, you have him laying there. Lorelai, you see ah Judas is laying in a puddle of coins on the ground and you see Biff is hugging his friend Josh. who ah you would still kind of recognize, like you would recognize him. He just like dresses a lot different than he used to dress, but like similar vibe.
01:21:04
Speaker
But like, you know, you've met him before. You know, that's Josh standing there hugging. Definitely. Yeah. and um And he's like giving, he's giving Biff just like the biggest hug. um And like, he like holds onto his face and he says like, says, what happened to you?
01:21:19
Speaker
I told you I was going to come back. And then like Biff like goes on to explain like, well, I pushed Judas off the cliff and then I died. Um, and somehow Judas came back to apparently, but like, you know, he's like, why did you do that? I told you I was coming back in three days.
01:21:34
Speaker
You couldn't wait three days for me. Come on. And like, they're just like, I don't know. I thought you were just like trying to make me feel better. And so like, they're having like this little kind of bro moment and you see, um, Josh looks over and he sees you and he says, Hey, don't I know you, you, you look really familiar to me, young lady.
01:21:54
Speaker
No, darling, we've never met. I have no idea who you are. Oh, come now. Tobias is like, what, you know every single vampire that has ever existed? You think that's a vampire in your car?
01:22:10
Speaker
like you as that Is that what she's been telling you? You know, you you can't lie to me. like what are you trying to do here? um And he walks over and he puts his like, are you still in the truck?
01:22:21
Speaker
Lorelai? Yeah, I'm still like, so yeah, I'm sitting in the in like the backseat with the door open. So he like he like kind of leans into like the door a little bit and he he like reaches his hand out for your hand. He says, may I?
01:22:36
Speaker
don't touch me. Okay, fine. No worries. Have him roll a rapport at a plus eight. you He puts his hands up and he says, hey, hey, no problem. It's okay. I just kind of, you know, I thought maybe it would just be nice to kind of ah help you a little bit. But hey, you know what? I only want to help those who want to be helped.
01:22:58
Speaker
You know, no problem. I'm fine sitting right here, darling. Thank you. Well, no, I wasn't going to get you out. I was i mean, can I sit with you? No. okay Okay. No problem. Hey, listen, I get it.
01:23:11
Speaker
I'm going to guess that you're mad that I never called. You don't even know who I am. i don't even know what you're talking about. he goes, oh, wait, that reminds me. And he reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a hair clip. He goes,
01:23:22
Speaker
Mary accidentally took this. At least she says it was an accident. Although, I don't know. I think she was feeling a little bitter. Really sorry about that. I know it's several thousand years late, but this belongs to you.
01:23:34
Speaker
And he like places it on the seat next to you. um He says, really sorry about that. Mary got a little jealous. You know, of course she did, darling.
01:23:45
Speaker
Yeah, you know, mean, look at me. yeah i mean objectively you're a beautiful lady and i'm very sorry for everything that happened i'm sorry that your sister ended up being kind of a b word um you know ah very sorry about that uh although hey if it makes you feel better history kind of forgot her too um so you know she's real real real cheesed off about that sorry dad he looks up um so um Sorry about that. Yeah, I'm just, I'm sorry. So I hope that you will accept this back. It is your property.
01:24:17
Speaker
And Mary says she's sorry too. Thank you, darling. I'll take it back. but She does not get my, I don't care about what she says. Hey, you know what? Very fair.
01:24:29
Speaker
ah You know, I haven't seen her in a little while, so I don't even know if she's still around, if if I'm being honest, but I've been real busy. There's a lot going on. You see the world? How'd it get like this?
01:24:41
Speaker
That's, I don't know. I just got back here. Really? You just got back on Earth, too? Are you friends? You're friends with that guy over there, that bald guy with the with the cool suit?
01:24:54
Speaker
Yes, he's my friend, darling. Well, that's great. Look at you making friends. Wow. We ah you're friends with humans, too. I didn't know that you did that. Well, we're more business partners.
01:25:06
Speaker
oh okay well hey you know what good for you for starting a business what's your business tell me all about it and biff like runs up because they're hit people they're gonna kill judas oh like yeah kill him right he's on the ground get him gold and silver and like you see jesus like puts his hands on his on on biff's mouth he goes all right that's enough of that um and he says you guys aren't gonna kill judas are you for money you're not gonna do that well uh I look at Judas. Is he breathing? He's he's he's got the birds.
01:25:35
Speaker
Yeah, he's still got the birdies. He's knocked out. okay so, well, give it a bit of time. I'm sure he'll wake up. Hopefully there's no lasting brain damage. Oh, yeah, he'll be OK. I mean, I can heal him.
01:25:46
Speaker
um I know I know he feels pretty bad about what he did kind of ratting me out, but um don't know how he got wrapped up in a motorcycle gang. Come on, Judas. You know, Judy, you know better. Come on. only human.
01:25:58
Speaker
He is only human, although technically now he seems more like he's I don't know what he is now. Yeah, he's I don't know what that is. Actually, i'm a little nervous because that's not how I remember Judas. Did you guys do that to him? Was he like that when you met him?
01:26:11
Speaker
Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was chasing us, a you know, on a bike. He had like a silver sort of knife thing that he. Oh, yeah, we're going to take that away. He doesn't need that unless you want it. do you guys want that silver blade? You can have it. I don't have a need for it.
01:26:26
Speaker
Nah, I don't like bladed weaponry. I'll take it, darling. Oh, sure. Yeah. And he picks it up off the ground, wipes it on his pants a little bit to clean it off nice for you. And he hands it to you like handle first. He says, no, you be careful with that. He gives you a little wink over his glasses. Sure.
01:26:42
Speaker
sure Yeah, he's like, well, thank you guys for bringing Biff to me. um And here's like, he goes, Josh, Josh, do the water thing. You know the water thing? And he's like, Biff, please.
01:26:53
Speaker
um He's like, so is there anything I can do for you guys before, you know, Biff and I go and hang out? Because haven't seen him in what feels like forever. And you see like there's like a crowd gathered around you guys that are just like just in awe at what you're doing. Like they don't it's like they can't exactly tell who he is, but they kind of feel like a presence from him as you're talking to him.
01:27:10
Speaker
And they're all just like in a gog like just dead silence watching you guys talk to him uh with judas laying on the ground he's like can i like do anything for you guys um it's not a rare opportunity you know it's not a very common opportunity for people to get to talk to me in person so at least not anymore i'm just busy well i don't know i mean i don't want to i don't want take up too much of your time i know you're very busy uh i mean biff here promised us you biff are you gonna hold up your end of the bargain
01:27:42
Speaker
He's like, biff gives like ah Josh gives a side eye to Biff. Biff's like, well, yeah. Do you guys want the silver, gold, and the wings? Yeah, I just want the wings. And you see yeah you see ah Josh is like, wings?
01:27:59
Speaker
What wings? Whose wings did you take? You don't have wings. And Biff's kind of like, yeah. you know, only Lucifer Morningstar's wings. um And like, Josh looks over to you, Tobias, he goes, you guys wanted Lucifer's wings?
01:28:18
Speaker
Oh, Lorelei wants to give them back. Oh, you guys are returning them. That's so nice of you. He goes, well, then what are they getting out of this? They brought you here. Did you promise them something else? And Biff's just like, I don't know.
01:28:29
Speaker
I needed you to remind me where I buried my money. Remember, we buried it together because we were going to like dig it up when you allegedly came back to life and we were going to go party. um And so like but he puts his hand on Biff's head and like in like a like very faint golden glow hits his eyes and he goes, oh, damn. OK, sorry.
01:28:49
Speaker
Dang. OK. um And you see Biff disappears for a second um and he comes back a few so ah seconds later. His hands are all dirty and covered in clay and he has a small box in his hand, small wooden box with like a kind of bag inlay.
01:29:04
Speaker
He says, all right, fine. And he hands it to you and it's full of silver and gold in there. It's pretty heavy. um Can I estimate how much it is? How much it's worth? ah Like in American dollars?
01:29:18
Speaker
Uh, sort of like how much? Because i think i think the hitman is already loaded with money, right? Sure. So i'm kind of he's kind of thinking, like, is this really worth like, you know, pawning and going through all that effort? That's.
01:29:35
Speaker
I mean, you want to keep this dirty chest of like ancient jewelry and shit. I mean, it's like pure gold and silver um that he has like straight up. Just like, yeah, they're just, they're not, it's not coins. It's like straight up gold and silver that he has.
01:29:50
Speaker
um So, you know, you would know as hit man, a collector of many things and thrower of many things um that like that could fetch you a pretty good penny, depending on where you take it. Like it's extremely valuable to people who have never seen like,
01:30:05
Speaker
pure, like, especially from that era, like before there was a lot of like processing and everything like that's just straight up pure silver and gold. Right. Just silver and gold. OK, right.
01:30:15
Speaker
Like, yeah, unprocessed, unrefined silver and gold. All right. Well, thanks, Biff. I mean, I just have like sacks of silver on me already, but that's all right. I'll take it. Thank you, man. I mean, I don't know. and You said you're going to return his wings and you see he reaches into his pocket um and he he fishes it real deep, like elbow deep to his you know talking into his pocket.
01:30:36
Speaker
Huh? It's a pocket of holding, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he pulls out, he pulls out like a small, like it looks almost like a like a um like a barrette or a and That's what they're called, right? That girls wear in their hair, barrettes?
01:30:49
Speaker
It looks like a little small barrette of like a pair of wings. like that are like kind of like kind of They're very warm to the touch. You can feel heat emanating off of them. They're white with like gold streaks in them and a few tinges of black on the edges of the wings.
01:31:03
Speaker
And he says, okay, I don't know why you want these. If you think you're going to give them back, then sure, but just don't You know what? Just tell him that you killed me, right? Just say you killed Biff, and then he'll leave me alone.
01:31:15
Speaker
The bikers won't come after me. We got Judas here, so... Right? Just say you killed me, okay? And then he gives you this little barrette-looking pair of wings. um Well, I have no guarantees on that one, but... Thank you.
01:31:32
Speaker
Thank you for holding your end of the bargain up, Biff. Yeah, I mean, I was going to. And then like Josh puts his hand on his shoulder. and goes, I mean, I wasn't going to. um And he's like, there you go. See, and it doesn't honestly so much better.
01:31:44
Speaker
um And and it's just like, all right, well, whatever. Like you have it. So thank you for the ride. Thank you for the fun. Thank you for knocking out Judas, although I really wanted to do that.
01:31:56
Speaker
um And yeah Jesus. It's please, Josh, Josh. Sorry, Josh or Joshua. ah You know, i it's just. Yeah. We stay more low.
01:32:07
Speaker
yeah Yeah. We could actually. You know, if it's not too much to ask, we could use a favor. Sure. What do you need? i' think it's two things.
01:32:19
Speaker
but I. Well, let's start the important one. I'm missing our friend. Ah, yes. I say friend, but he's really more of a business partner. yeah I was just about to say the same thing. was going to say, are you going to show he's all friend? Not her friend.
01:32:37
Speaker
Oh, yes. like We are friends. Yes. I know the tension for sure. I can feel it. Yes. aye He's missing and. ah Last we saw him, we were running away from angels up on the Shining City hill there.
01:32:54
Speaker
Which, I don't know. And that's the other thing I was going to ask, is if you have any pole there, if there's some strings you could pull to let us in. get you into the Shining City on the hill?
01:33:04
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know if you still have pole there with the angels. i I don't know what it's been. It's been, what, 2,000, 3,000 years? um Yeah, it's been a hot minute, but I mean, they still know who I am. i mean, I'm kind of like, by default, allowed to go there.
01:33:18
Speaker
Although will say that's not the shining city. Like they just co-opted that name. That's not the city. Just so you know, the city on the Hill is actually in heaven.
01:33:29
Speaker
That's not like, that's, I don't really like that. They called it that if I'm being honest, which is all I can be really. Um, Yeah, so that's not like the city. It's just a city on a hill that happens to be a little sparkly, right?
01:33:44
Speaker
So just so you know, don't if whatever you see in there, please don't use that against me because that's not my city. Okay. Yeah. But yeah, I can probably get you in there.
01:33:55
Speaker
Yeah, we're trying to like, um we're working for an organization that's trying to end the war. I would love that. I would in love if people just stopped killing each other.
01:34:05
Speaker
Well, yeah, it's not so much people, I guess. It's like, I mean, people too, but more the angels and demon war. Yeah, yeah. There's some a lot of rogue people. You'll find it if you ever make it to heaven, which I still have faith you may.
01:34:21
Speaker
I don't think so. You know, you may find if you're helping to end a war, I mean, that's a pretty just cause. No, but see here, and he pulls out his alignment sheet.
01:34:33
Speaker
yeah What do I do about this? I mean, that's not permanent. That can change all the time. Uh, he like puts his finger on it and like it moves up to like chaotic, good, neutral back down to evil.
01:34:46
Speaker
He's like, Oh yeah, that's, that's not, wow. You can change that really easily. yeah felt like a whole different person for a second. Yeah, but I don't want to make that decision for you. I just want you to know. I just wanted you to feel that it can change.
01:34:58
Speaker
Okay. Um, appreciate that. But no, I don't want to, you know, you need to make your own decisions. That was what, that's what my dad said he wanted. So, and here's the result of some of that. So, um,
01:35:08
Speaker
Sorry um about that. But but yeah, i you know what? If you need to get into the city um and he pulls out these three, um you said there's a third guy with you you have to find, right?
01:35:20
Speaker
Yeah, we don't know where he is. I think he might have gotten picked up by an angel we were running it away. So that's another reason why I want to go into the Shining City. I just, I don't know where he's at. That's a good thought.
01:35:32
Speaker
um Well, in case you find them there or in case you don't, ah he pulls out these three golden pins, um like a literal like like a pin that you can jab yourself with.
01:35:44
Speaker
He says it's not like. From what I understand, this is how they recognize if people can go in and out, because I won't be able to be there to vouch for you all the time. So just before you go in, make sure that you kind of.
01:35:57
Speaker
I don't know. Impale. I don't want to impale because that sounds bad, but you have to kind of put this in you somewhere like this. Like, yeah, and he fails himself with it. You see, he like cringes. He's like, yeah, you could have picked a better spot, but sure. Yeah. um And he's like, that's how they track, because if you have the this embedded golden pin within you, that's how they know that you're OK to go in.
01:36:20
Speaker
So just do that. And then. You know, if you need me, you know how to call me. I can't guarantee I'll be able to just be here because there's a lot of people that's calling me all the time. But um yeah, that's how you'll get in and hopefully you'll find your friend.
01:36:34
Speaker
the But you don't know where he is? Or is that our challenge to find him? I mean, i am omniscient, so I could I do know where he is. But sounds like it would the story if we just knew where he was.
01:36:49
Speaker
Well, the thing is, he's kind of all over the place cause he's not with an angel. He's with, uh, this fair lady's sister, Lilith. Um, and, uh,
01:37:02
Speaker
Yeah. So, and they're kind of all over the place. She's moving him at very breakneck speeds doing, if I'm being honest, very unsavory things that she's asking him and making him do. So what it might not be this lost or something.
01:37:16
Speaker
Yeah. Like, yeah. Like just taping him to a chair and making him watch lost, like just the season finale over and over and over again. Yeah. And the ending of the Sopranos and the ending of game of Thrones.
01:37:27
Speaker
Um, Oh no. Yeah. And reading, um, just reading ah this book called art of the deal to him. um It's real, ah it's real treacherous stuff. So um anyway, so when you find him, he might not be the same guy that, you know, you met.
01:37:45
Speaker
So just, just so you know, but um good luck with that. I can't really do much interference beyond that, but that's, so I don't know if they're in the if they'll be in the shining city by the time you get there, but they're not there now.
01:37:58
Speaker
so um my Maybe, maybe going to the shining city right now isn't the right call. I don't know. I mean, really? That's up to you. Like I said, free will is yours.
01:38:08
Speaker
Do whatever it is that you like with it. And you hear like Biffy's like, how about the fish thing? Can you do the fish thing real quick? Come on. I haven't seen it in forever. And he's like, I need to go make some fishes and loaves for this guy and water and the wine
Resolution and Generosity
01:38:20
Speaker
and all that good stuff. But you guys want some before before we you go or I'm full. I just ate a burrito.
01:38:26
Speaker
Oh, a burrito. I haven't had one of those yet. Are they good? ah Well, don't get the mystery one. Oh, gotcha. um Lorelai, do you anything else for you? do you want some fishes, loaves, some water and wine?
01:38:41
Speaker
No, I'm good. to oh wine. I would take some wine. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. And um he just puts his hands out and like one of his people like walks up to him and gives him a bottle of water. And he like just like when he hands it to you, it's got like, what kind would you like? You want red or white?
01:38:55
Speaker
red of course darling right he is like some some red wine like just as he hands it to you it's just red already for like little bubbles in there and he says okay well i don't know how well it's gonna hold up in plastic so you might want to drink that sooner than later but you know just don't drive after you drink it okay it's it's good stuff josh proof oh i don't drive darling i do not drive okay well all right yeah i was gonna say don't lie to me i know you've driven once before
01:39:22
Speaker
But he's my chauffeur, darling. I don't drive unless i absolutely have to Right. Yeah, she's a real passenger princess. Hey, you know what? I'm the best passenger princess. What do we want to do about... Well, he's going to walk over to to Judas, who's self-conscious, and just pick him up by the collar. Okay, and he's still kind of limp.
01:39:46
Speaker
Yeah, he's still kind of like limp in your arms as you're kind of holding him up on his feet. And he's going to shake him. And like he kind of shakes himself aloof a little bit. ah the The birdies fly away. He's like, what? Huh?
01:39:57
Speaker
Huh? Josh, I didn't. I mean, i it was an accident. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. And he looks and goes, oh, you're not Josh. No, he's right over there, though. Josh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It was an accident. I'm sorry.
01:40:10
Speaker
He's like, what do you want? Just what do you just what? if What do you want? I'm a swore in front of my friend. That's how mad mad angry you make me. Mm hmm.
01:40:21
Speaker
Me? What do do I want? Yeah, why'd you wake me up? what do you want? Huh? You knocked me out with money? You think that's cool? Well, your Josh over there told me not to kill you, so... And he brushes off his shoulders.
01:40:32
Speaker
You're free to go, buddy. He, like, looks at you very untrustingly. he's like, yeah. Oh, hey, wait. yeah Yeah, don't forget, i yeah, there's some ah some of your silver on the ground there, too. Oh, you know what? Just keep it.
01:40:44
Speaker
just um Just keep it. I don't... I don't want and like as he's talking, like he was like half red, half gold for a while, like the way the way his hair was glowing. But like, it's all just like a ginger red right now.
01:40:56
Speaker
Like he just like last lost any of his like the aura surrounding his body. He's like, you know, just, um you know, just keep it. Just it's yours. I don't know. I don't want to think about that ever again. You know what? you're good.
01:41:07
Speaker
And he like steps over the coins and, and walks away. Um, and he walks over to Josh and he just kind of, he gets down on his knees and kind of just like starts like kind of like prostrating towards him. And like Josh kneels down, puts his hand on him and he says, it's okay, man.
01:41:22
Speaker
We're cool. Um, and then in a flash, um, All three are gone. Biff, Josh, and um and Judas all disappear. And then everybody, that that kind of chill air goes away and you're all just like left there with like a pile of coins on the ground um and an unconscious Judas.
01:41:40
Speaker
What do you do? I pick up all so i aspect all the coins and he donates them to the church. Oh, that's so nice. um And then he sets an employer. You donate it.
01:41:56
Speaker
um And you see a little boy comes out dressed in a suit that looks just like yours, shaven head just like yours. um And he says, geez, mister, want to be just like you when I grow up. have Hitman takes his gun out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. No.
01:42:16
Speaker
Hitman walks off the podcast. That's broken.
01:43:01
Speaker
well Doesn't it look good already?