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Feeling Like a Fraud? Let's Talk Imposter Syndrome
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In this week's episode of Friendless, host James Avramenko kicks off a fresh deep dive series by opening up about a topic close to his heart: Imposter Syndrome. Drawing from his personal experiences and professional teaching background, James demystifies imposter syndrome by exploring what it truly is, its common triggers, and the various ways it manifests.
He shares relatable anecdotes, personal battles with imposterism, and insightful classifications of the syndrome's different forms. Emphasising the importance of self-compassion, community, and vulnerability, James offers practical strategies to work alongside these feelings, rather than against them.
From recognising the first signs to celebrating every small victory, James provides listeners with a thoughtful roadmap for navigating this pervasive experience. Tune in to discover how unconditional self-love and communal support can empower you to overcome the daunting feelings of inadequacy and fraudulence. This episode is a comforting reminder that you’re not alone in your struggles and that there is hope in embracing your authentic self.
Don't forget to subscribe to our Substack for more insights, recommendations, and James' personal reflections. Share your thoughts and suggestions with James on Instagram and TikTok @friendlesspod or email [email protected].
By popular request, we delve into:
- What imposter syndrome is and how it manifests.
- James' personal encounters with imposter syndrome.
- Five categories of imposter syndrome and their characteristics.
- Practical advice on self-compassion, validation, and seeking support.
- Celebrating small wins and the impact of genuine connections.
Join us in this heartfelt exploration and take the first step towards self-compassion and acceptance.
Sign up for the Friendless Substack HERE!
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Transcript
Introduction to Imposter Syndrome
00:00:08
Speaker
Well hey there sweet peas, welcome back to Friendless, I'm your host James Avramenko and this week we're kicking off the brand new Deep Dive series with a topic that I have deep intimate familiarity with, imposter syndrome.
00:00:24
Speaker
We're going to talk about what it is, what can cause it, and what are some things that you can try doing to work with it rather than against it. This episode is actually a bit of a spin on a class I teach in my day job, so I am really excited to share it with you. For now, lean back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level, and enjoy this deep dive exploration of imposter syndrome here on Friendless.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
00:00:48
Speaker
Imposter syndrome. What the hell is it? There isn't really one clear cut definition for the term, but in a lot of ways it's this kind of lingering or ah subliminal feeling that you don't belong. It's the fear of inadequacy.
00:01:03
Speaker
that you're a fraud who either doesn't deserve success or doesn't deserve to accept the success that you are currently achieving. There's often this underlying fear of exposure, like you're wearing a mask and at any moment, someone is going to come along and rip that mask off and show the world that you're the imposter.
00:01:23
Speaker
So funny story, it has taken me the better part of two weeks to record this episode, quite literally because I have been dealing with my own really acute feelings of impostorism. Despite the fact that I literally teach this class to students and have done so for the better part of two years now, I still have been telling myself that I don't um have the right credentials. I don't have the right background. I don't deserve to take up this space. I don't um have everything prepared properly. I don't have all my um research properly done, whatever it might be, all these excuses and all these reasons in the back of my mind telling me why I'm not adequate and why I don't deserve to be the one to speak about this. That is quite literally imposter syndrome in action.
00:02:13
Speaker
but you know and this is kind of getting ahead of myself but when i step back and i check the facts i recognize i'm deeply prepared for this i have um a cute lived experience that i can talk about and i also have years of learning about it to back up what I have to say.
Is Imposter Syndrome Common?
00:02:31
Speaker
When I teach this class at work, so many of my students will talk to me afterwards and say something along the lines of, you know, I thought it was just me, right? Or, you know, I i never had a name for this feeling that I always had um in in encountering new situations. And it it gives them a type of comfort to understand that this is not a isolated experience. This is not something that's just you and you know somehow your inadequacy. This is something that almost all of us will feel at one time or another.
00:03:07
Speaker
And I think it's really important to remember that um these are really human experiences. These are not defects. These are not deficiencies. These are not you lacking some kind of quality. This is you encountering an unknown experience and doing the best you can with it. The problem being, more often than not, our nervous system defaults to protective measures when we're not in actual danger.
00:03:31
Speaker
but it feels like we are, so it shuts us down and it closes us off from the potential of new experience.
Types of Imposter Syndrome
00:03:38
Speaker
Now, when we talk about Imposter Syndrome, it manifests in a series of categories. um Now, I am someone who is leery of categorization in general, especially when it comes to mental health, but they are Um, titles that help us kind of understand the characteristics of how imposter syndrome can show up. So when I list these out, I want to be really clear that, you know, it's not going to show up as just one thing so much as these are the elements that will likely show up in some form or another. If you're experiencing this.
00:04:10
Speaker
But like, you know, attachment styles or love languages or all the rest, they're not as clear cut as these definitions like to imply. So I just, I want to kind of preface that. But the titles as I've come to understand them are there's the perfectionist who is somebody who will set impossible standards so that they can then feel like a failure when they don't meet the expectations.
00:04:35
Speaker
There's the superhero who will push themselves beyond their limits and exhaust themselves in order to prove their worth. There's the genius who must understand everything immediately or feel a deep, deep shame if they don't.
00:04:52
Speaker
There's the soloist who staunchly refuses to ask for any help, who will not work for teams, who will not work in any other capacity other than by themselves, because to ask for help is to admit fault, which is counting out to death. And then there is the expert who is someone who must know every single detail and be prepared to the absolute decimal point before even beginning to, um, attempt anything.
00:05:22
Speaker
Now, I have felt every single one of these ah categories in one form or another, and that's why I want to be really clear that it's not like you're going to just be the soloist or something like that. You might, as with, let's take attachment theory, ah for example, you might lean heavier towards a few of them ah rather than others, but in most cases, all the characteristics are going to show up at some point in your process.
00:05:48
Speaker
So if you're healing some of those and you're like, yeah, that sounds a little bit like me, your first step in that is recognizing that you are feeling this imposter
Recognizing and Understanding Imposter Syndrome
00:05:59
Speaker
syndrome. You know, put simply, if you're going to deal with something, you first have to accept that there's a problem, right? So your first kind of phase is reflecting on ass behaviors and looking back on how you felt within those scenarios, asking yourself, did you feel like a fraud in these moments of success despite the evidence that you worked hard for what you achieved? Were you unwilling to accept the accolades or were you just attributing it to things like luck or external factors? You know, oh yeah, somebody else did all the work.
00:06:33
Speaker
Or is there a lingering fear that you're going to somehow be found out? Maybe you start a new job and you decide to super overwork yourself in order to compensate for what you perceive as an inadequacy in the fact that you don't know everything about this job yet.
00:06:49
Speaker
More often than not, you're going to feel these feelings in new situations, whether it's starting a new job, meeting new people, maybe entering into a new social dynamic, something like that. Scenarios where you are out of your comfort zone and you don't necessarily trust yourself to um live up to the standards that you've set for yourself. This is going to end up amplifying your internal ah monologue of your shortcomings, the mistakes you make, the lack of knowledge that you might have.
00:07:17
Speaker
you're going to start feeling kind of othered and that separation and that isolation is going to build the internal pressure that you're putting on yourself. And what one of the first repercussions of that ah is going to bring is um it's actually going to cut you off from any meaningful potential feedback or connection that could possibly get you out of that ah thought loop.
Combating Imposter Syndrome with Feedback
00:07:42
Speaker
This is one of the dangers of so many of these conditions, depression, anxiety, all these things. You know, it's not it's not the cure all and it's not like just don't be sad, but it's this idea of one of the great remedies of um depression is to connect. One of the great remedies for imposter syndrome is to receive feedback and to recognize, oh,
00:08:07
Speaker
This isn't going to kill me. This is actually just going to help me with my process. Navigating through the recognition phase um really is about leaning into not only the recognition, but the celebration of your faults. We're not expected to be perfect, especially right out the gate. So knowing that these things are going to take time and are going to take practice,
00:08:31
Speaker
is really a key thought to embed within your first kind of iterations of this.
Role of Self-Love and Compassion
00:08:38
Speaker
I harped on this all last season and I'm gonna keep on harping it on it through this season and whatever else comes, the baseline is self-compassion and unconditional self-love.
00:08:49
Speaker
Every time you beat yourself up for a failing, every time you tell yourself you're not good enough, you are pushing yourself further and further down. And when you flip that and recognize that no matter who you are, no matter where you are, no matter what you've done, there is nothing that is making you unworthy of unconditional self-love is going to help you flip and get out of this hole that you've dug yourself into.
00:09:15
Speaker
and when i say unconditional i literally mean unconditional there's no yeah buts it's unconditional now maybe the world isn't going to give you that but you can give yourself that and that's not delusion that's not ego that's you helping yourself out of these situations because you're the only person who's really going to be able to do that And ah before, maybe my brains flipping on this, but you know, that doesn't argue for like rugged individualism. That means that there are parts of your day that you're going to need connection. And we're going to talk about that more. You need community, you need people in your life.
00:09:51
Speaker
And at the same time too, nobody can make you mentally well. Nobody can make you feel or not feel what you want to feel. And so it's about your internal monologue. What are you saying to yourself when no one else is around? That's what you have to recognize. That's what you have to alter if you want to begin the process of shifting how you behave. I always think of it like this. Nobody has ever learned to do better by being shamed.
00:10:16
Speaker
All you learn from shame is how to hide your bad behavior better. So giving yourself that positive reinforcement is going to go so far. If you feel tentative or anxious about new social settings, if you don't know what you're going to say, if you don't know how you're going to show up, practice.
00:10:33
Speaker
um Talk to yourself. I talk to myself at home all the time, out loud. It doesn't matter what about I'm talking out loud to myself all day long. Sometimes I'll practice what I'm going to say if I'm going to ah meet new friends or if I'm going to have an of interview or if I'm going to you know be in ah in a work scenario that I'm uncomfortable in. I'll practice what I'm going to say beforehand.
00:10:58
Speaker
um so that I'll know what it sounds like and I won't be like surprised when it comes out in this situation, but I'll also know where i want to um ah how I want to show up. And that brings me to the next point.
Importance of Community and Connections
00:11:13
Speaker
of you know There's the internal work and then there's the external work. And it's really important to remember that you can't do this alone.
00:11:20
Speaker
Um, there's the internal monologue that is going to help you heal yourself, but there's also the external connection that is going to help just as much. And it's really important that you don't isolate yourself, which is one of the most common traits when you're experiencing, whether it's depression, anxiety, or whether it's imposter syndrome, it's going to isolate you. It's going to cut you off from the resources and the people who are going to help you shift your mind and shift your behavior and get you out of this hole.
00:11:49
Speaker
If I've learned anything from the seven years of doing this podcast, it's that you connect with people through authenticity and vulnerability. Now, obviously that doesn't mean like first meeting, you're suddenly trauma dumping on someone. In my experience, people who do that are actually kind of low key emotionally manipulating you. So actually probably watch out for that. But what I mean but by that is more speaking your own mind.
00:12:14
Speaker
It means not saying things that you think are just going to please other people or placate them or just kind of like say the things that they want to hear, but instead speak authentically from your perspective. And, you know, vulnerability, you know, as my favorite poet, Saul Williams always says is, you know, um vulnerability is the truest power in the world. If you can be genuinely vulnerable with yourself and then express that to the world, that is the strongest declaration that you can make. On the other side, when you're showing up with new people, demonstrating a genuine interest, a curiosity, finding common grounds so that you can share these experiences and recognize that
00:13:00
Speaker
Everybody is just a person. In class, i'm always you know we we frame a lot of our work around the professional setting, whether it's job interviews, networking, these kinds of things. And it's really important to remember that um the person on the other side of the interview is not some demigod right they're not some robot they're not some automaton they're not some you know malicious tyrant just to tear you down they're just some person having been on both sides of the interview process i know ah in some scenarios it's actually more stressful to be the interviewer rather than the interviewee so
00:13:38
Speaker
Um, it's really important to remove those kind of perceived external pressures that like everybody is above you or everybody knows something that you don't know. When the reality is everybody's just as confused as you are. We all have our internal fears, our internal ah anxieties, our internal shames. We're all just people trying the best we can with what we've got.
00:14:01
Speaker
Some people are going to be better at masking that than others, but deep down inside, we're all feeling those same insecurities. And by recognizing that and being curious and empathetic towards other people, you're going to suddenly see that the connections you're building are far more genuine, far more authentic, and far more nourishing for what you're looking for in life.
Asking for Help and Building Connections
00:14:24
Speaker
Something I hear so often in class and in my interview series is how hard it is for so many people, myself very much included, to ask for help. Somewhere along the way, we got in our head that asking for help is somehow a character failure or a flaw on our part. And I think it's really important to remember that we are a communal animal. We are built to be in connection with others. And the way we build connections is by helping each other.
00:14:53
Speaker
And it's not always about you giving help. It's just as important for you to ask for help in return. Asking those questions, being that person who who speaks up and says, hey, I don't understand, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to accept and admit aloud that you don't know something.
00:15:13
Speaker
is an incredibly powerful move. My favorite students are the ones who ask lots of questions and especially simple questions, questions that, you know, I in class would have thought we just breezed over and they say, Hey, wait a minute. I don't get it. I love that. So, you know, remember speak up, ask questions, be unsure and ask for help.
00:15:35
Speaker
And then if you're on the other side, validate it. Allow people to feel safe in their uncertainty. Create spaces. This is something I try to do as a teacher all the time is allow people to feel safe to make mistakes. And that's not just by saying you're safe, but by behaving in a way that is safe for them.
00:15:55
Speaker
One of the things you do is be consistent. If you say you're going to do something, do that thing. If you see somebody is struggling, reach out to them proactively. Don't just wait for them to reach out. Oftentimes, by the time somebody is in a place where they need to ask for help, they're already past capacity. So do your best to be really vigilant with the people you love and and proactively offer support.
Can Emotions like Imposter Syndrome be Overcome?
00:16:19
Speaker
which leads into the sort of last category, this idea of overcoming imposter syndrome. And I think it's really important to caveat right out the gate with this section that um there's no such thing really as overcoming an emotion or conquering an emotion, because I think that that evokes these feelings that you'll never feel it again. And the reality is that's not what it's about at all. All these processes, all these developments, whether it's, you know, dialectics, whether it's cognitive behavior, whether it's just emotional processing, whatever kind of self-development you're doing, it's not about never feeling that thing again. Instead, it's about learning how to recognize it, learning how to tolerate it, and then learning how to work with it rather than reject it.
00:17:06
Speaker
when you ignore a feeling and you push it away it just grows it's like mushrooms that way right you put it away in the dark and suddenly there's they're everywhere and they grow exponentially from there whereas if instead you shine the light on them and you allow them to take the space that they want in that moment They diminish and they become far more manageable and fall far more tolerable. So some of the techniques that I recommend for my students are um it's it all boils down to preparation. So one of the first things
Techniques to Manage Imposter Syndrome
00:17:42
Speaker
is.
00:17:42
Speaker
working in transition periods into your day. Oftentimes we're packing our days with task after task after task with so little breathing room. And that's one of the easiest ways to let our minds kind of slip off into fantasy and suddenly we find ourselves in these negative thought loops. But if we plan in kind of break points or breathing points,
00:18:05
Speaker
I like to think of them as like kind of like airlocks in a spaceship, you know, like, you know, like in a sci-fi movie when they're transitioning around the ship and they go through the airlocks. Um, you, you plan in little airlocks within your day to give yourself transitions, um, so that you can pause, reflect on what you've just done, breathe, plan what's going to come, going to come next. And that way you're never allowing your mind to get ahead of itself. Setting realistic goals is a really key factor.
00:18:35
Speaker
Let's say you're starting a new job. It's not about day one. I'm getting a promotion to become the new COO. Instead, it's day one. I'm going to learn something new that I didn't know yesterday, setting really achievable, low level, gradual expectations for yourself so that you can achieve them and start building that momentum of competence within yourself so you can start to trust. Oh yeah, I can, I can do this.
00:19:01
Speaker
When I start feeling task overwhelm, uh, recently I've started trying to do a thing called a two done list, which is when I see my to-do list is running rampant and I'm super stressed, I'll sit down and I'll write down a list of all the things I've already accomplished, whether it's in the past day, past week, whatever it might be. Sometimes it's just like, I was nice to myself yesterday, but having that manifested sort of externalized visual of all the things I have achieved.
00:19:28
Speaker
is a way to yet again reinforce that confidence that I'm capable of achieving the goals and the tasks that I set out for myself. I have this little chart that I go through with my students um that talks about the sort of the process of tolerating and overcoming imposter syndrome.
Focusing on Facts and Validating Feelings
00:19:45
Speaker
um and I thought I would just kind of break it down quickly here at the tail end of the episode so the very first step is focus on the facts and this goes back to dbt trading this goes back to a lot of different kind of um cognitive reframing is Instead of allowing yourself to believe this narrative that your your mind has created, instead, just look at the facts that are tangible and provable and concrete. So try to um validate your feelings with evidence. It's okay to feel afraid.
00:20:22
Speaker
But what isn't helpful is to feel afraid completely unjustifiably. So if you're feeling afraid, look at what the facts are and ask yourself, what is it I'm afraid of? Acknowledge those feelings, take those feelings in and allow them to hold the space that they want to hold. There is no feeling that we can feel that is a problem.
00:20:45
Speaker
There are some that are harder to tolerate than others, but there's no good or bad feeling. There's just what we're feeling at the time. So learning how to acknowledge and validate those feelings and then release them is going to be immensely beneficial.
00:21:01
Speaker
And this leads you into reframing negative thoughts. So as we talked about earlier about, you know, using that positive self-talk is one facet. There's another facet that just recently I learned about, which is this idea that um if you keep negative thoughts inside, they fester, they amplify. If you were to take those identical, unspoken negative thoughts,
00:21:27
Speaker
and write them out or even just speak them aloud, your mind and your nervous system is going to process them far more quickly. So that's not even reframing into, you know, positive thoughts. That's literally just externalizing the negative thoughts, let alone then hearing yourself say it out loud. When you say things like I can't or I don't know or whatever it might be,
00:21:51
Speaker
If you say it aloud, more often than not, this just happened to be um in a therapy session the other day. You know, I said, I don't know how to do this. And then I stopped. I heard myself say it and I went, wait, bullshit. Of course I know how to do it. I'm just not allowing myself the time to sit with it and think about it. And that's where that reframe comes in. It's not about like, always be happy. It's about look at the negative narrative that you're creating.
00:22:16
Speaker
and try to figure out ways that you can flip it to be more beneficial towards yourself. And as you start learning about these feelings, you're going to be able to start anticipating the feelings. You're going to start being able to give yourself accommodations to prepare for when those feelings are going to come up. As we talked about, it's not about never feeling them. It's about understanding what's probably going to trigger it, what you can do to assuage that, and what you can do to help relieve yourself of that pressure in future scenarios.
00:22:46
Speaker
One of the best ways to prepare for that is to share it. Share it with somebody, find somebody you trust, find someone safe, talk about these feelings.
Building a Support Network
00:22:53
Speaker
Maybe it's a mentor, maybe it's a friend, whatever it might be, and find someone who you can share that pressure with. um In my sobriety journey, I have come to rely on a term that I was given by a friend called the six pack, which is, um you would you know, the irony of alcoholics wanting a six pack, right? But it's this idea that Sometimes in life, we'll feel like we're being too much for one friend, right? So what the concept is, is find six friends that you can kind of spread the support out around so that you're not always just dumping on one person, but instead you're kind of collectively sharing the load. And, you know, maybe you can bring them collectively in so they can all be sharing each other's pressure. Maybe they're just your own personal six pack and they don't know each other, whatever it might be. but
00:23:42
Speaker
Find connection points where you can safely share these feelings, these pressures, and and hopefully also take in some advice or some guidance from their outside perspective. But it is also really important to keep in mind if you are in the sort of mentor position. um It's really important. I've started to visualize mentorship less as leading and more as supporting. So rather than seeing yourself as ahead of them, pulling them along, you want to be just one step behind them, even though internally, you know what their next steps, you know, likely will be or might be most helpful for them. Instead of kind of taking on the power position and saying, you should do this, you should do that. Instead, visualize yourself
00:24:26
Speaker
directly behind them, propping them up and just helping them along their path. That's the whole concept of meeting people where they are. You could hear somebody's scenario and and know deep down what's good for them, but it's not always going to be the thing that they want to hear.
00:24:41
Speaker
So instead, if you see yourself as behind them, keeping them up, propping them up, giving them support, um that's going to be a much better, ah much more ah beneficial connection, I've found.
Celebrating Achievements for Self-Validation
00:24:54
Speaker
And then lastly is learning to celebrate.
00:24:57
Speaker
every single win you want it doesn't matter how big it doesn't matter how small it could be hey i had a shower today it could be hey i completed a project today it could be you know what i drank two glasses of water today it could be i drank one glass of water today it could be i wash my hands after i pee whatever it is whatever you want to celebrate celebrate it and let yourself feel that joy with every single victory, no matter how big, no matter how small, just keep on validating yourself, keep on celebrating yourself and keep on letting yourself feel that pride of of what it takes to just keep on being you.
00:25:36
Speaker
It's really important to remember progress is progress. It doesn't matter how slow you are not on a time time timeline. You're not on a deadline. It is just, you are on your path. So take the time you need to process and progress at your own pace.
00:25:54
Speaker
To wrap things up, let's do a little recap.
Navigating Imposter Syndrome with Love
00:25:56
Speaker
Imposter syndrome. What is it? It's that feeling of being a fraud despite your achievements. It's common, especially in new situations, but with preparation, unconditional self-love and communal support, you can navigate these challenges with utter confidence. Remember, you are not alone in this. We have all been there and it is more than possible to navigate these feelings.
00:26:30
Speaker
That is going to be it for this week. Thank you so much for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this first episode in our little deep dive series. I feel like I need a better name for it, but it's what I got so far. It just feels so stock podcast. Let's take a deep dive into, you know, anyway, that's me side barring.
00:26:49
Speaker
Let me know what you thought. I love your feedback.
Closing and Invitation for Feedback
00:26:51
Speaker
If you have questions about imposter syndrome, if you have ideas for future topics, if you just want to talk to me, say hey, whatever, email me friendlesspod at gmail dot.com. Find me on Instagram and TikTok at friendlesspod. I would love to hear from you. I will take your feedback with an open, loving heart.
00:27:10
Speaker
If you haven't already, sign up for the sub-stack. It is relaunching this week. Chalk full of all the goodies you've come to expect, recommendations, my own internal monologue, as well as some tips for you to try out in the coming week.
00:27:26
Speaker
But speaking of the common week, that's going to be it for me. So I'm going to wrap things up here. Thank you once more for tuning in. I hope to catch you back here next week with a brand new interview, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. And neither should you because we both have more than enough to worry about. But also because that is then and this is now. So for now, I'll just say I love you and I wish you well. Fun and safety, sweeties.