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How Do Adults Make Friends?
87 Plays1 month ago
In this very special episode of Friendless, host James Avramenko tackles the age-old question: How do adults make friends?
James shares his experiences at a speed dating event, where he delved into various fascinating topics like dietetics, bird watching, biology, and insectology, highlighting the joy of listening to people speak passionately about their interests. He emphasizes the importance of speaking confidently about one’s own passions without fearing judgment and stresses that if someone doesn’t appreciate what you love, they’re not meant to be your friend.
James provides practical strategies for making friends as an adult, including leveraging technology to find social groups based on shared interests, practicing conversational skills, and breaking down social anxiety into manageable steps.
He also touches on concepts from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), a therapy designed to help manage chronic behaviours and emotional regulation. James underscores the importance of mindfulness, believing in one’s worthiness to make new connections, and the idea of the "Wise Mind"—a balance between reason and emotion.
The episode explores how to build confidence and the value of mindfulness techniques such as visualisation and breath-focused practices to stay present and manage dysregulation. James also tackles societal issues of loneliness, particularly among people under 40, and shares personal anecdotes and strategies for forming new connections in a new city.
Join James as he provides heartfelt advice, encourages self-responsibility, and promotes the significance of practicing DBT skills to foster meaningful adult friendships. Follow Friendless on Instagram and TikTok, and don't forget to give it a 5-star review and sign up for the Substack newsletter for exclusive content!
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Transcript
Introduction to Episode Topics
00:00:08
Speaker
Well, hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless. I'm your host James Avramenko, and this week we're taking a deeper look at two of my favorite topics. First of all, we're going to be looking at the first tools, the first steps in dialectical behavior therapy. And then I'm going to try and answer one of the biggest questions I'm always getting asked and asking myself, how do adults make friends?
00:00:35
Speaker
It's gonna be a blast, so for now, lean back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level, and enjoy this solo episode here on Friendless.
Thanksgiving Reflection and Weather
00:00:48
Speaker
Let me start off by first saying a Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian listeners. I'm recording on Thanksgiving Monday, and it is rainy and dark outside here in Vancouver. um There's this this great literary term, they call it a pathetic fallacy, and it's where what a character is feeling is reflected in like the weather or the surroundings. um And and it's it's often a very yeahs a very contrived ah trope in literature, you know, oh, I'm i'm i' gloomy, so it's dark, or whatever it is. But honestly, right now Vancouver feels like a pathetic fallacy.
Joining a Dialectical Behavior Therapy Group
00:01:31
Speaker
happy thanksgiving y'all
00:01:34
Speaker
um the topic of gratitude or being thankful for something though um something i'm really thankful for is that i am finally off the wait list that i've been on for about the last four five months and have just started a dialectical behavior therapy group, um like a group therapy thing. I had my very first session last week and it's every week for the next 26 weeks I meet and we discuss DBT skills and enact them and practice them together and I'm just, I'm really
Practicing DBT Skills
00:02:09
Speaker
excited. The first session was amazing.
00:02:11
Speaker
One thing that they say, obviously, like, I'm not going to be using names, I'm not going to be giving any kind of details of any sort, but one thing they do encourage is for you to talk about the skills that you learn in the session. um So, you know, dbt is ah something that I have studied um you know relatively seriously for the last you know year or two, but I've never had a chance to actually practice it in a group setting like this. you know It's always been solo research, just reading reading books and you know um doing the workbook myself, these kinds of things. um and And so, i'm you know A, I'm really, really excited about it, but also it's something that I've been thinking a lot about recently.
00:02:53
Speaker
um My therapist, yeah my boy Scott and I, we were talking the other day about the difference that happens when people um do sort of too much research without actually doing the therapy element of of this kind of mental health journey. um And I know I've at times gotten really stuck in that.
00:03:16
Speaker
yeah um where I get really hung up on, you know, ah clinical terms or definitions or or diagnoses or whatever it might be. And I don't end up actually embodying and practicing the the but um i guess like the the the techniques behind the theory. And that's very much what this group is all about. It's it's about taking the theory and putting it into practice.
00:03:42
Speaker
Because, you know, it's all fine and good if you can define these terms, if you understand the the markers of this diagnosis or whatever it is. But if you're not actually embodying this practice, then in a lot of ways, in my experience, especially when you look at things like the conversation online, you know, the influence of social media,
00:03:59
Speaker
um I find you could inadvertently be doing more harm than good.
Introspection in DBT
00:04:04
Speaker
One thought I continue to chase and try really hard to embody in my own practice um and and hope that that in turn ah in turn sort of i guess maybe influences other people is that You know, everybody has their own journey. Everybody has their own shit to deal with. And I find that when we go through periods of trauma, we end up um looking for who to blame outside of ourselves. And we don't always turn inward. We don't always look at, you know, how did I show up? Because quite frankly, obviously, there's a lot of situations where, you know, you weren't responsible for what happened.
00:04:38
Speaker
But you were still responsible for being there, you were still responsible for how you showed up in those situations, you were still responsible for did you continue showing up in those, here whatever it might be, right? And so I think it's really important for us to always look inward when we reflect on these situations. And that is kind of the baseline of DBT.
DBT Assumptions and Principles
00:04:59
Speaker
Before we go any further though, just like a ultra crash course into what exactly dbt is so it dbt stands for dialectical behavior therapy it was developed in the 1980s by psychologist marcia linnehan who was basically ah she believed that standard cognitive behavior therapy cbt
00:05:23
Speaker
was insufficient for treating chronic um chronic behaviors, mostly stemming from you know ah borderline personality, things like that, um ah around self-harm, suicidal behavior, these kinds of things. She's also somebody who has the lived experience of having been diagnosed with BPD herself, so um this whole um modality was built um to be I guess you could call it kind of tactile to be implemented to be actionable um to not just be kind of sterile and considered philosophically but to be actively practiced in your day to day life so dbt is um obviously incredibly helpful for people with.
00:06:07
Speaker
BPD or other chronic conditions like that ah but also is really helpful for kind of anyone who's dealing with reoccurring behavior patterns that they're trying to actively change. So when you start the training there are these seven assumptions that they give you and sort of like you're you you consider these as baseline for the whole
Mindfulness in DBT: Wise Mind
00:06:33
Speaker
program. And and the reason they call them assumptions is because you know they're a belief that can't be proven, but we agree we agree to abide by them anyway. So the assumptions in this group are, one, people are doing the best they can. ah you know All people at any given point in time, they're doing the best they can.
00:06:50
Speaker
two is that people want to improve so you know the common characteristic of all people is that they would like to improve their lives and be happy three is that people need to do better try harder and be more motivated to change now that does come with a little asterisk that says that says trying harder and being more motivated may not be needed if progress is steady and at a realistic rate of improvement. But we still have to recognize the fact that people, while they are doing the best they can and want to do better, it doesn't mean that these things are enough to solve the problem that you're facing.
00:07:27
Speaker
Four, and this is a big one, people may not have caused all their own problems, but they have to solve them anyway. um You know, you have to change their own behavioral responses and alter the environment that you're in in order to change your life. It's like that saying, you know, your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. Number five is new behavior has to be learned in all relevant contexts.
00:07:52
Speaker
So new behavior skills, they have to be practiced in the situations where the skills are needed and not just situations where the skills are first learned. This is another thing, you have to embody it, you have to enact it. so you know when you The whole point of the group is that you learn in safety when you are regulated and you can practice, but you also have to Use the tools in the moments where you need them, when you're escalated, when you're triggered, whatever word you decide to use, and and when you are in those conflict moments. You have to use your tools. Six, all behaviors, be they actions, thoughts, emotions, are caused. There is always a cause or set of causes for our actions, thoughts, and emotions.
00:08:35
Speaker
even if we don't always know what that cause is. We talked a lot about this and I've talked a lot about this in the past. you know Sometimes it feels like an emotion or a thought or whatever it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes you feel something, you don't know what, but emotions don't just appear. right they they They have a root somewhere. There is a cause somewhere and it's about discovering what that root is.
00:08:56
Speaker
And lastly, and I love this one, figuring out and changing the causes of behavior work better than judging and blaming. You know, judging and blame, they are easier. But if we want to create change in the world, we have to change the chain of events that cause unwanted behaviors and events. Again, it's up to us. ah i said our responsibility. Things will happen out that are out of our control obviously that's what life is that's what being alive is that doesn't mean we have to continue to show up in those situations the same way we always have now the remainder of the intro goes into a deeper ah analysis of biosocial theory and and you know the sort of um environment that that comes with
00:09:43
Speaker
uh sort of needing dbt things like that i'm not going to get super deep into that because i want to jump into the first skill that uh is explored because not only is it an incredibly useful tool for for you know whether you're looking for dbt tips or whether you're just looking to just kind of improve your own personal mindset but it also dovetails right into the bigger topic i want to talk about this week about you know making adult friends and stuff like that And that is the first step within the mindfulness unit. I should have said there's there's four units within DBT. There's mindfulness skills, interpersonal skills, emotional regulation skills, and distress-tolerant skills. um I am in the mindfulness unit right now, and the first step within that is what they call wise mind. You may have also heard of it referred to as the middle path.
Mindfulness Practice and Benefits
00:10:34
Speaker
Essentially it's the idea of threading the needle between the reason and the emotion and finding the balance between the two. Mindfulness is one of those words that gets thrown around so much these days that I feel like in a lot of ways it's kind of lost any intention behind it and at the same time too I can't help but feel like it is one of the most fundamental practices that we could be working on for ourselves. I think a big problem is that you know you hear a word like that and and I think there's there's a certain type of person who expounds on mindfulness online and I think it comes with a lot of baggage.
00:11:13
Speaker
Um, and I think it also can come with a little bit of intimidation. You know, I think when people hear mindfulness, they think they have to be like actively practicing meditation every day, 20 minutes in a Zen garden or else they're doing it wrong. Right. And, and the reality is that mindfulness breaks down into three really, really simple, um, kind of, uh, thoughts behind it.
00:11:35
Speaker
It's intentionally living with awareness in the present moment without judging or rejecting the moment and without attaching to the moment. So it's literally about getting out of automatic routines, behaviors, participating presently in our lives, noticing know consequences, discerning where you have control and where you don't.
00:11:59
Speaker
letting go of of avoidance, suppression, blocking, and then attending to the experience of the moment rather than clinging to past or grabbing for future. And the reality is that you can be mindful at any time of the day. it's not you know Mindfulness isn't only done when you sit down to meditate or when you turn on your mindfulness app or whatever it is, mindfulness is literally just being present in where you are in the moment. And, you know, obviously it's so much easier said than done, but that's where the practice comes in. And, and so as you, you know, intentionally decide to focus on the moment and release the past and release the future, you you begin to get better at living presently. The most baseline mindfulness practice is literally just intentionally a paying intentionally paying attention to the moment without judging it or holding on to it because that's all that there is.
00:13:05
Speaker
So you know you're just literally sitting on your couch saying, I am sitting on my couch. I have my microphone in my hand. I'm speaking into the microphone. I'm not letting my thoughts go to where I was 10 years ago, where I might be 10 years from now. I'm not thinking about that stupid thing I said in junior high or what job I might want in the future or whatever it is. I'm just sitting with myself presently in my living room, looking out my window and being with myself right now. If you want a little pep talk, the three goals um as outlined in my worksheets of mindfulness, the reason we want to do it is because it will reduce suffering and increase happiness. It'll increase control of your mind.
00:13:50
Speaker
and it will allow you to experience reality as it is. And I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty fucking good to me.
Achieving 'Wise Mind' State
00:14:00
Speaker
So that leads us to the first tool, as I mentioned, in the arsenal of mindfulness, which is wise mind. The way they kind of overview it is picture two circles, um kind of overlapping with each other. On one side you have reasonable mind, um and on the other side you have emotion mind.
00:14:17
Speaker
And in the overlap in the center of that is your wise mind. It's the middle path. It's the state of mind that considers both reason and emotion, but doesn't allow one or the other to control and instead is considering both. Hence, you know, dialectics, right? So in your emotion side, you know, you could consider them, you know, hot. They're mood dependent. They're emotion focused.
00:14:42
Speaker
Often when you're in a motion mind, you're ruled by your moods, your feelings, the urges to do or say things. Often facts, reason, logic just go right out the window when you're stuck in a motion brain. On the other side, you've got reasonable mind, which is often characterized as cool, rational, task-focused.
00:15:02
Speaker
um Often you're you're kind of sort of ruled by facts, reason, logic, and quote unquote pragmatics. Values and feelings are usually not considered when you're really stuck in reason brain. And what Wise Mind does is it essentially characterizes the wisdom that you hold within yourself. It allows you to see the value of both reason and emotion, and it brings um both sides of your brain into unity so that you can consider the wisest choice possible, often when we're in one side or the other. You know, I talked about this another episode,
00:15:39
Speaker
Every emotion, if it's left unchecked, is dysregulating, right? um and And that includes, on the other side, you know, i'm I'm even trying to be cognizant of my language because, you know, um lack of emotion or or being trapped in that, like, logic brain is just as, quote-unquote, dysregulated because it's just as inconsiderate of your other side.
00:16:01
Speaker
So rather than you know just letting your freak flag fly and and reacting way too instinctually or the other way of just being way too cold and calculated, you're you're tapping into your wisest choice so that you're considering the present moment and you are behaving according to that.
00:16:20
Speaker
Now there's lots of different techniques you can practice for trying to get yourself into wise mind state. um One of the things they highlight right at the start is it's really important that you practice these skills when you don't need them or or in environments where you don't need them.
00:16:39
Speaker
Because if it's if it's easier for you to practice them, then they're going to become much more automatic within you so that when you are in situations where you do need them, they're going to be able to be tapped into that much easier.
00:16:52
Speaker
So one of the um but techniques that we tried in class was a visualization. um There's lots of different ah kind of audio guided visualization practices you can find on YouTube. but um You know, imagining you're a stone flake on the lake or you're walking down spiral stairs within you within your your core.
00:17:12
Speaker
Um, these are, these are good if you have time to sit with yourself. Um, I like to practice, um, more active ones because, you know, I find when I get into dysregulated situations, it's usually because I'm with people and I don't always have time in a conversation to say, Hey, listen, I'm going to take five minutes to visualize the spiral stare inside my, set my core.
00:17:32
Speaker
So so um the one I have been working on this week has been as you inhale, you breathe in the word wise and you breathe out the word mind. um And you allow yourself to just regulate to the flow of your breath.
00:17:50
Speaker
Another one is to pause and ask your wise mind a question. So as you breathe in, you ask the wise mind a question. And as you breathe out, you listen for the answer, but you try not to give yourself the answer. You're not telling yourself the answer, you're listening for it. And that's how you get out of your instincts. That gets you out of being too too locked into old habits, but instead you sit with it and you let the answer truly come to you.
00:18:17
Speaker
There's a bunch of different techniques that are kind of variations on e on each other. you know ah Asking, is this ah action or thought or plan, would this be considered wise mind before you act? So much of this is about just slowing yourself down, attending to your breath and letting yourself center into yourself. right Settle into your center, expand that that that awareness of the moment.
00:18:43
Speaker
um One I really like is is dropping into the pauses between inhales and exhales. So as you become more aware of your breath and you breathe in, you hold yourself into that pause. And as you breathe out, you you notice the pause just at the top and the bottom of the breath. And you can sort of feel yourself kind of fall for a little moment within those little pauses. And they're really gentle and they're really soothing. And if you just allow yourself to enjoy that,
00:19:10
Speaker
that's going to bring you right into the moment now that's literally as far as we got in the first session so i'm not going to go any further than
Language in Mindfulness Practice
00:19:17
Speaker
that but um i feel like this is a really fun primer i i came out of my session just so excited and and so like I was so jazzed up to just try this new technique and I was so excited to share it and um I really encourage you to give it a shot. you know just It can be as simple as just noticing your breath or you know if you're feeling yourself dysregulate, um look around your room and say out loud one thing you notice. you know There's obviously there's these techniques of you know five things you see, four things you hear, you know on and on. But if you don't have time for something like that, just
00:19:53
Speaker
Say aloud one thing you're looking at. you know I'm looking at my water bottle right now. And just always remembering to be gentle and and just soft with yourself. you know it's not it's not you know Be gentle, you fucking idiot. you know right it's just It's just be gentle. It's okay. Everything's okay. The session also expanded. um um My thoughts that I've been having around language, something that Scott and I work a lot on is this idea of like calling things good or bad or judging emotions or saying these are hard or whatever it is. and Instead, what the instructors recommend using is effective or ineffective. It's a really benign, um ah neutral statement. It's not a judgmental statement. It's just, you know this is effective for me. This is ineffective for me.
00:20:41
Speaker
And it's a way to just remove that that internal narrative of good versus bad because those those don't exist. There's no good, bad emotion. There's no good, bad thought. It's just, is this effective or is this ineffective? And and the way you judge that is by getting clear on what it is you want.
00:20:57
Speaker
who it is you are, who it is you want to be, who you expect yourself to be in the world, and then deciding is this behavior going to be effective to continue that trajectory, or is it going to be ineffective, you know? If I start screaming at this person, is it going to be effective for me to consider myself a a good person in society?
00:21:17
Speaker
ah you know um so So I just really like clocking language. I think you know it's the writer in me, obviously, but I think it's really important that we become much more here we go mindful of the language that we use, especially internally. Because when we start saying, you know oh, I felt good, or or yeah, it was bad today, or I had a bad day, or whatever it is, You know you didn't have a bad day. You had some hard moments. you know um But it's not like like nobody has a bad day all day, every day for all week, for all month, or whatever it is. So getting really cognitiveg cognizant of the internal narrative that you're telling yourself about yourself um is very much a first step into getting towards a deeper mindfulness and deeper presence into your day.
00:22:03
Speaker
Woo! So Psychology Corner is wrapped for the week.
Challenges in Making Adult Friendships
00:22:09
Speaker
I wanted to pivot to, um you know, this question has been asked a few times and I always kind of duck it because it's so big and it's something that I don't have an actual answer for. it But it is this question of How do adults make friends? I keep reading across the board how you know we're we're currently considered the loneliest generation. you know People 40 and under have never been more isolated, have never been more separate from each other.
00:22:40
Speaker
And obviously the pandemic played a massive part of that, but those were're those numbers were already trending that way beforehand. um The way technology has has advanced, the way we communicate with each other, the way we socialize with each other, um these these problems, these separations and divisions um were already there. They just got kind of exasperated. exasperated Exacerbated? Exacerbated? Exacerbated?
00:23:07
Speaker
you know You know what I'm trying to say? It made them worse. And that is just kind of the new factors. you know like Since people have been growing up, you know ever since we were babies and then grew up, people have been struggling. you know There's schedules, there's social circle circle dynamics, there's there's work and family and and everything else that that comes into play that polls us away from each other. It oftentimes feels like every year that passes, I am in communication with fewer and fewer people. um Now, you know I might be considered an outlier in that I you know have been pretty
00:23:50
Speaker
mindful about paring down my my circle, at least of close friends, but in terms of making new connections, that's something I have struggled with, you know, basically my entire adult life. um and And lately, I've been kind of like, for lack of a way of putting it, researching, like, how do you make new connections? How do you get out there? How do you meet people?
00:24:12
Speaker
um I live in Vancouver, which is ah stereotypically known as a pretty ah no new friends type city. And that's very much been my experience. um Often there's like very established groups and it's next to impossible to break in, um which is fine. That's cool. Hell yeah. Stay friends with the people you knew in high school. That's not psychotic, you know.
00:24:38
Speaker
but um but it's really hard to to kind of crack that nut and so what I've done I've come up with a couple of the things that I've been trying to do in the last couple months this is by no means a ah complete ah answer to the question, nor is it going to work for everybody, but this is the stuff that I sat down with, reflected on, and decided were going to be the parts of my life that I addressed in order to try and build new connections for myself. The first thing for me really was addressing my personal mindset, um asking myself, like what kind of new friends do I want?
00:25:17
Speaker
um What kind of new connections do I want? You know, I think when when for me when I start getting these worries or when I start getting these ideas in my head They're really big and they start being too generic, you know, I just I want friends, you know Well, what the fuck does that mean? Right? So instead I kind of tried to sort of narrow it down of like what types of connections do I want do I want casual do I want you know emotional do I want like fun party whatever it might be and I got really clear about the types of connections that I was trying to build for myself. A pitfall that I have found myself falling into a lot is this sort of like internal quiet unspoken almost resentment of um not being
00:25:59
Speaker
i Invited to things are not being communicated with not being so you know not being reached out to as much as I'd like and I've realized that um You know I've said it in previous episodes is this idea of like I've decided I'm gonna actively be the friend that I want and others to be to me. So that is about taking responsibility for my actions and and um putting in effort on my side. So if I want people to you know invite me out to things,
00:26:31
Speaker
I find things to do and I invite people out. There's um a couple of venues in town that I really love to go to, so I have alerts set for you know when new um events at that at those spaces are happening and I i buy you know a spare ticket and and and things like that. so i sort of I plan ahead and i I try to be the one to put the effort in to building connections that I'm trying to to you know um foster. There's this saying that, I don't know where I picked it up, but um I think in university somewhere, but um
00:27:02
Speaker
I always like to say sin bravely. So it's this idea of like, you know, like if you want things to change, you have to be the one to actively do it. So you've got to be brave in these scenarios. Just the other day, my friend Gavin and I, we went to this speed dating event. um And also like, I'll say like social events um are are fantastic opportunities for connections, but you do have to be Active in them. You can't just kind of but barfly and hope that you're gonna be the main character who gets spotlighted like main character syndrome is a disease and You have to be the person who's actually um Going out. I keep on repeating myself on that point, but it's so fucking important
00:27:42
Speaker
But coming back to this this dating event, um whereas we were getting there, we were getting ah really anxious because both of us had never done anything like this before. you know We'd never done speed dating. It was at this big space. It was you know all these things. And um what we started doing is just breaking down the next step. And this is something I find in like big social ah environments, if you have any kind of social anxiety, is doubling back to the mindfulness thing, is just taking it one step at a time.
00:28:11
Speaker
So instead of being like, oh my God, what's going to happen? Who's going to be there? Was it going to be this? Was it going to be that? And then some of your spun out. Instead, you know, it was like, okay, we're going from gabs to the, to the venue. So let's just do that. And then once we got to the venue, it was just, okay, let's just get through the tickets. Uh, let's get into the space and then, okay, we're here. Now let's just get a drink, right? Just, just keep yourself really present and go to one step at a time. Don't get far ahead of yourself.
00:28:40
Speaker
other other sort of choices for like how to I guess like find people is um you know use technology leverage the technology at your hands search for groups clubs past times book clubs birding events um you know think of stuff that you've always wanted to do and then google it You know, um and and um trust me, if you live in a city especially, there are other people who are doing that. um I've gone to board game nights, I've gone to poetry readings, I've gone to book clubs, I've joined a couple of writing circles and then dropped out of them. but like
00:29:16
Speaker
you know it's about it's about decide what you're interested in and then find those groups and then make yourself go to them because it's really fucking scary um and you're being so brave by doing it and and um people are out here trying to make connections um and so like when when people make these kinds of groups and make these kinds of events they're not setting them up so that they can then like carry you. you know I mean like C-A-R-R-I-E, like they're not going to drop any pig's blood on you. you know like These are events for people to meet each other, so trust that everyone else is probably just as if not more anxious than you are. So um don't don't trick yourself into thinking you're the only one who's worried, um and instead try to trick yourself into being the one who's most confident. you know I always teach my students about this idea of
00:30:09
Speaker
um Confidence isn't inherent, it's practiced, it's learned. and so um Nobody can read your mind, nobody knows you're uncomfortable, nobody knows you're anxious if you don't outright say it. Instead, straighten your posture, keep your chin up, you know shoulders back, chest out, you know and and and just pretend you're confident.
00:30:31
Speaker
And the weird thing about our nervous system is if we if we pretend we're confident, our body starts to believe we are, and then we start actually acting that way. So um yeah, it's one of those, like, fake it
Building Social Connections
00:30:43
Speaker
till you make it. If you're, you know, trying to find places to find these kinds of groups or find these kinds of events,
00:30:48
Speaker
ah If you're old, Facebook is great. um I put this question out online and a bunch of people said Meetup, the app, is really good. so I haven't tried that one, but I would say give it a shot. um Let me know how it goes. And then Google, just Google. Google you know whatever the hobby is plus your city and you will you will find stuff. The other side of the equation is once you've found this thing and you're going to it, now how the fuck do you act like a human in front of these people?
00:31:14
Speaker
And obviously that is going to be a much longer conversation with yourself than one quick little podcast is going to be able to solve. But here's a couple like little conversational tips actually pulled out of the dbt ah pantheon. So a couple of things is the first thing you want to do is be mindful of your conversation. um So ask questions as much as you are responding to them.
00:31:42
Speaker
This is a big one, um ironically. ah Don't be afraid of small talk. This is something that I have been pushing for. um ah I'm not somebody who readily chit chats. I tend to instinctively go pretty like, you know, what I've always thought is like, I go deep because I'm contemplative. But really, that's kind of a form of trauma dumping, I think, even if you're like not talking about a personal experience, if you're just like,
00:32:10
Speaker
Yeah, fuck all the basic shit. Let's talk about what you think the meaning of life is like that's kind of dehumanizing in a way to sort of ignore just like figuring out if this person's safe to talk to you or not and allowing them to figure out if you're safe to talk to you or not, you know um countless times in my past I've gotten into these like really deep esoteric conversations with strangers and then never spoken to them again because you know I think we we jumped over the kind of bricklaying the foundational elements of the conversation I think small small talk is actually a really important factor in building connections so don't be afraid of just like complaining about the weather or talking about your pets or you know whatever it is people talk about
00:32:55
Speaker
um And that leads into the idea of self-disclosure. Be really mindful of that. Another one of my past ah behaviors has been to you know jump in and and really like let people know everything about me really quickly. And and you know um that isn't the way I go about it anymore when I meet people.
00:33:18
Speaker
um I think self-disclosure is um ah about, it's ah it's it's ah it's actually a protective measure, is being really skillful and really mindful of what you tell to who. To whom? Anyway, um and ah so one of the ways they recommend doing it is ah be observant of what the other person is disclosing, right? Now that doesn't mean, you know, my ADHD brain will will jump to like, you know,
00:33:44
Speaker
If you're not familiar, ADHD, neurodivergent, often one of the communication forms is instead of asking questions, they'll hear a story and they'll sort of match the story. um And in sort of like neurotypical perspective that apparently is seen as kind of rude,
00:34:00
Speaker
um I mean, I think they're nuts, but um if you sort of observe the types of topics that the person is demonstrating they're comfortable talking about, then follow that lead a little bit and and build on it, you know? Actually, that leads right into this other point of ah that I think is like, what do how do I put it? Basically, directly attacking ADHD people, which is don't interrupt.
00:34:25
Speaker
which is something that I do all the time. um i'm I think I'm getting better at it. I don't know. ah Listeners, you probably are able to tell if I'm getting better at it or not, but um but you know um be really cognizant of what you're going to say.
00:34:41
Speaker
Um, so rather than just sort of like jumping in and just kind of like free balling it and frantically just like blurting something out, be, be listened and, and hear what the person is saying. Don't, don't listen in preparation of what to say, but, but listen to their whole point and then ruminate, you know?
00:35:01
Speaker
um there's apparently I mean I've never been but I've been told that the stereotype of the sort of snooty French person which is probably a really archaic outdated stereotype at this point but um it comes from misinterpretation of the fact that um Culturally, they'll pause before responding because they want to be sure that they give a thoughtful answer in return. so you know Be a little more French about it and and take a beat. Breathe. Do a little wise mind practice. Consider, would this be a wise mind choice to say? and The last point in this in this section that I really like is learn things to talk about.
00:35:43
Speaker
um It's you know, I have abolished the term guilty pleasure from my lexicon. I I believe if Something gives you pleasure. There is no guilt involved in that um Unless it's like, you know causing harm to people or something like that in which case, you know different conversation but like, you know if you really like survivor or you really like ah Danielle Steele books or if you collect action figures or if you you only listen to kpop i don't know what it whatever you know we really like trains that's a that's a good one if it's something that makes you happy and you know a lot about it talk about it why not uh... one of my favorite things to do is to listen to someone talk passionately about something they know about that was actually uh... one of the most fun elements of that speed dating event uh... was that it was a chance to be
00:36:40
Speaker
interested in people it was a chance to to hear like what are they gonna choose to say we only had a minute each to talk it was two minute dates um and so it was like just like what what are they gonna decide to talk about how are they how are they gonna enter in you know and and the topics were so varied I met people who were dieticians people who were super into birds, people who who are biologists, an insectologist, you know. and And it's just, it's so interesting to hear people talk about things that they're interested in. And in turn, it's about finding the confidence to speak about things that you know a lot about.
00:37:20
Speaker
Erase that shame, get rid of that, oh, they'll judge me if they think this or that. you know Because quite frankly, if you're into something and you're passionate about it and you talk about it and that person in front of you it judges you for it, they're not gonna be your friend. So that's a good sign. um ah you know Quit trying to convince people to like you. Instead,
00:37:45
Speaker
Take that as a sign. Oh, okay. You are a lovable person for someone else, but not for me. And that is the other key factor is you don't have to like everyone and you don't have to be liked by everyone. So quit trying to convince people who don't like you why they should. It's their loss.
Believing in Worthiness for Connections
00:38:05
Speaker
um ah That's kind of those are all the notes that I have and really I feel like we're only really scratching the surface of this So I think I'm gonna continue talking about it in in later episodes um But I think it's important You know like like the example I gave about going to that dating event is like take things step by step Don't get ahead of yourself practice the initial things and and just build Incrementally don't be in a rush that's ah big element of my whole process these days is slowing the fuck down there's lots that i want to do and there's all this social pressure of i'm getting older and this and that and the other thing and time and life and car these fucking nuts and all this shit but um it it really I'm going to use a fun word, behooves us to slow down and and just enjoy what's happening in the moment and to use that time to practice new things slowly so that it really gets into our system, really gets into our our our instincts and and kind of overwrites our old programming or something like that.
00:39:14
Speaker
So we're going to cap things off there, but um I hope that gives you some really helpful intro pointers to um first to the world of dbt and and second to the world of of making friends. It really comes down to, I think, believing that you are worthy of making new connections.
00:39:36
Speaker
That's something that I have really tried to embody within myself and within how I am trying to show up in the world. It's an effective technique for me, is to remind myself that I am worthy and I am worth being seen, being liked, and having connections. And god damn it, sweet pea, you are too.
00:40:12
Speaker
But that is gonna do it for me this week. Thank you so much for listening through. I hope you enjoyed
Engagement with Listeners
00:40:17
Speaker
it. If you have any questions, if you have any comments, if you want to tell some of your stories inspired by some of the things we talked about today, please write to me. You can reach me friendlesspod at gmail dot.com. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok at friendlesspod. I would love to hear from you.
00:40:31
Speaker
As always, if you like the show, give us a five-star review, share the links with all your friends, tell people about the show, every little bit counts, and it's always greatly appreciated on my end. And don't forget to sign up for the sub-stack. I am getting back in the groove of things, ah new posts coming this week, it's a ton of fun, and all the other stuff coming down the pipeline I'm really excited about, so sign up for that in these show notes, and enjoy!
00:40:59
Speaker
But that's gonna be it for me. So let's just wrap things up here I will be back next week with another brand new episode and I hope to catch you there But I'm not gonna worry about that right now and neither should you because that is then and this is now So for now, I'll just say I love you and I wish you well Fun and safety sweeties