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Don't Call It A Comeback
108 Plays24 days ago
In this special comeback episode of Friendless, host James Avramenko returns from a five-month hiatus to discuss his personal journey, the importance of self-respect, and the evolving themes of the show.
James reflects on the challenges he's faced, including a difficult breakup, and shares his insights from therapy. He also announces exciting new projects, such as his completed poetry manuscript and upcoming book 'First Dates with Pro Wrestlers.'
The episode introduces upcoming themes like intentional self-respect and the concept of authenticity. James emphasizes a more interactive experience with his audience, including book club activities and deeper dives into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) principles.
Listener engagement and feedback are highly encouraged as James aims to expand and enrich the Friendless community.
00:00 Welcome Back to Friendless
00:47 Gratitude and Personal Reflections
03:07 The Breakup and Personal Growth
10:17 Exciting Announcements and Projects
14:14 Themes for Upcoming Episodes
23:35 Listener Engagement and Future Plans
28:18 Conclusion and Farewell
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Transcript
James Returns to Friendless
00:00:08
Speaker
Well, hey there, sweet peas. Welcome back to Friendless. I'm your long lost host, James Avramenko, back from a much longer than expected hibernation and ready to dive back into asking the questions of what it means to be a friend and how we can be more effective community members. In this very special comeback episode, I want to talk a little bit about what I've been up to the stuff I've been learning, reflecting on, what's been happening in my life, and also where I want to go in the future with this show. So it's time once again to lean back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level, and enjoy this very special episode here on Friendless.
Why the Break?
00:00:47
Speaker
My sweetest little peas. Let me just start off by saying thank you. Thank you so much for your patience, for your understanding while I stepped away from the show. I really didn't expect to be gone as long as I was. And, you know, obviously I'm going to talk more about what I've been up to. But, you know, I really wanted to just lay the initial foundation in gratitude.
00:01:09
Speaker
I love doing this show. i've I've been longing to get back to it, but I also recognize that when I took my initial pause and then it stretched into the bigger break that it turned into, I realized how badly I needed to just take as much as I could off my plate and just kind of refocus, recenter myself, and you know do all those but ah kind hot-button words that you yeah you see floating around the Instagram sphere, right? Yeah.
00:01:38
Speaker
I needed some me
Exploring Connections
00:01:39
Speaker
time. One of the first things I really wanted to do was just ground myself back into what is the foundational idea behind the show? What is it that I am trying to get across and communicate with um these interviews and, you know, with these solo episodes and everything that I'm just creating underneath the the friendless umbrella?
00:01:58
Speaker
And for me, what it's boiled down to is that friendless is about connection. It's about what does it mean to be connected? What does it take to stay connected?
00:02:08
Speaker
And, you know, what are we doing effectively and ineffectively in our lives to maintain the connections that we want or need in order to feel like we are thriving?
00:02:20
Speaker
It's funny, you know, I started the show almost seven years ago now, and I can remember saying at the time, like, something along lines of like, oh, fuck, I really hope I'm not remembered as that Facebook podcast guy, you know?
00:02:31
Speaker
But over the years, as that initial gimmick, you know, faded away and the kind of deeper conversations and the deeper exploration began, I've really come to cherish this space. It's become a place that I can return to over and over and remind myself that, know,
00:02:47
Speaker
There is always love and beauty and connection to be found in this world. And more specifically, in my world. And it's it's really nourishing to mindfully remind myself how blessed I am to experience that and to have this space to create within.
Life Changes and Processing
00:03:07
Speaker
So it's been about five months since I posted my last episode, which was my interview with the absolutely incredible Hannah McGregor, which if you haven't listened to that episode yet, you are missing out big time.
00:03:20
Speaker
Bucko. um And in that time, I've admittedly had some pretty monumental shifts in my life. A piece of what delayed this initial batch of episodes and really any updates, whether it's you know on the feed or on my sub stack or anywhere, has been my need first to just live through the months themselves and then to try to find a way to sort of piece together how do I want to express not only what happened, but the impacts of those events and how I'm um trying to sort of shift myself going forward.
00:03:55
Speaker
I've had and continue to have no interest in sort of simply just, you know, trauma dumping. That that feels really ineffective for for my personal needs. and It just doesn't feel like it's um entirely fair, ah not only to myself, but to other people who are involved um to sort of share these kind of intimate details of of what's going on.
00:04:17
Speaker
That's really been kind of one of the questions, one of the kind of tangential questions that have been circling my mind is when a person is no longer safe to be in contact with, what do you owe them?
00:04:31
Speaker
are you allowed to share your experience ah despite it potentially betraying sensitive information about them? um When they were the ones who actually caused harm,
00:04:43
Speaker
is it okay to share personal details? um Or is it just you know righteous indignation? Is it the shadow side of of people pleasing? Is it is it you know the the resentment coming through when when you have pretended to be the doting, caring partner and then things break down and suddenly you flip and become the ogre? you know That piece of you was always there.
00:05:07
Speaker
um So which side was the lie, right? um And, you know, is it a is it just sort of a manipulation, this sort of like feeble attempt that's kind of justifying, lowering yourself to a level that um it feels like the people who hurt you were already at.
Breakup and Therapy
00:05:27
Speaker
So you are allowed to act petty because you interpreted their behavior as petty. Basically, like, does being the quote unquote bigger person make you any less petty in that situation?
00:05:41
Speaker
All of these chaotic questions ah summarized to say, I'm not going to get into specifics. But really, the the simplification of what kicked off the hibernation was, I got dumped.
00:05:54
Speaker
And it sucked! It was one of those really great, you know, one day I'm being told I'm the love of their life, and the next day I'm blocked and everything and haven't heard from them since type situation. so Yeah, not great.
00:06:05
Speaker
But um also what I've come to realize was I was given a really incredible opportunity to practice all the ah sort of theory that I had been working through in in therapy and sort of take all those ideas that I've been talking about and to actually put them into real practice.
00:06:25
Speaker
And I feel so proud to report, you know, I did. And um it still sucked. But i i I got to witness um something that I'll be talking about in future interviews.
00:06:38
Speaker
But the idea of... When you recognize your loops and you recognize your patterns and and accepting that, that's the deck of cards that you were dealt. And and realistically speaking, you're never really going to be playing with a different deck.
00:06:59
Speaker
But how you play that deck gets to change. And, you know, whether you keep on playing the same hand over and over or whether you start trying something new um and and you sort of get to decide what your own personal metrics of success are, right?
00:07:14
Speaker
um You know, did you witness the loop sooner? Did you get out of that? Whatever, you know, um um and and so, yeah, as much as, you know, these things don't feel great.
00:07:27
Speaker
They also I feel very happy to report back that it turns out therapy works. And also, you know, at the end of the day, it's recognizing that all these thoughts of what could have been what should be.
00:07:42
Speaker
any of those kinds of thoughts, that that's magical thinking. And it's counterintuitive to life, you know, because that... Life doesn't have other plans because life has no plans.
00:07:56
Speaker
Life is just life. And, um you know... A lot of the time being live is agonizing and dull or just simply not ideal.
00:08:08
Speaker
But I'm finding myself, you know, I keep on repeating this word proud um and it's become really important facet of my practice recently. The idea of pride and respect are the things that I'm working on.
00:08:22
Speaker
And, you know, I'm proud of how in reflection, I'm proud of how I showed up within that relationship. I'm proud of how I showed up for myself after. I'm proud of how I tended to myself and how I moved on.
00:08:37
Speaker
And, you know, it took the time it took. It's why I had to take a step away because I just did not have capacity. I did not have the space to be creating and still, you know, working with my feelings and accepting them and,
00:08:50
Speaker
giving them the attention they needed. um And yeah obviously, like, to a degree, it still hurts, right? and And there's still times where I'm furious, and there's times where I harbor delusions that someday they'll apologize for their behavior, and The thing is that all of those are um fantasies, that they they come and go in these kind of liminal moments, but they don't stick around for too long.
00:09:15
Speaker
I've been really um chewing on the sort of the idea of ah recognizing that people are not... things to be won. They are not possessions. They are experiences that um um every connection you have will end.
00:09:32
Speaker
um um Something Scott, ah my therapist, if any of you have forgotten that im I babble about him endlessly, ah Scott often will say,
00:09:44
Speaker
No relationship works out, ever. There's no such thing as a relationship working out because whether it's by choice or by death, every relationship will end. So recognizing that everything is finite, you know, as ah the Bible by way of OK Go said, this too shall pass, right?
00:10:06
Speaker
And look, okay, so like I'm getting off track. um I want to talk more about that sort of perspective in a moment. But first I want to kind of wrap up this sort of meandering ah update about where I've been. So first let me try and get back on the thought train of ah how I've been spending ah my actual time rather than focusing on this like speed bump of relationship that, you know, doesn't actually matter in the grand context or conversation of my life anymore.
Poetry Project and Book Plans
00:10:35
Speaker
So a couple really big, exciting announcements. um I completed my year-long poetry project that I had been doing all last year. Hey, sorry I missed you.
00:10:46
Speaker
I could not be happier with the results of that. Since completing it at the end of the year, I've collected all that writing um and I have done a new editing pass of the manuscript.
00:10:56
Speaker
Yes, you heard me correctly. i am actually editing a manuscript because 2025, James, isn't fucking around babies.
00:11:07
Speaker
I'm really excited about the tweaks that I've already done. um You know, the the project itself as I was creating it was very much a living document. There were things changing all throughout. I was writing it throughout the year, um um building it off of old writing and, you know, all that kind of thing. so So now that I'm in the kind of midst of ah that kind of editing process, ah my hope is to be sending out the the ah finished manuscript for you know publication consideration.
00:11:33
Speaker
So cross your fingers, but obviously I will be keeping you updated. if anything shakes out with that. And, you know, at the risk of sort of overburdening myself, you know, having taken five months of a break and then just just launching right back in zero to 2000 type thing, um you know, the idea of idle time is divine, but but growth doesn't happen without friction. But,
00:11:54
Speaker
trying to find a balance there. But, um, I'm also really excited to announce that, uh, my long threatened, uh, book of poetry first dates with pro wrestlers is, ah really, really close to being ready to publish.
00:12:08
Speaker
Um, I, I had sent it out to publishers. I didn't get any bites. So I have decided to just self publish it. Um, I did that with my last couple of books and it had a great reception. Super proud of, of, um, you know, the the sort of impact it made.
00:12:22
Speaker
um And yeah realistically, I'm not, yeah let's let's put it this way. I don't write poetry for for the fame and glory of it. I do it because I enjoy it and and I like sharing it. And whoever wants to be shared with, you're you're welcome to come in, but I don't need it to be some kind of global impact thing. So um after ah speaking with my lawyer,
00:12:46
Speaker
ah but AKA you know badgering my best best friend for a pro boner probook wow that's a that's a good slip there ah pro bono legal advice.
00:12:56
Speaker
um i i you know I was worried that maybe using wrestler names in the poems could get me in trouble with some kind of liability or intellectual property something.
00:13:07
Speaker
But I have been reassured that the way that I have constructed the book should protect me. So I'm basically in the stage where I am creating, you know, the cover and and those kinds of things. And that should be um up for sale on the website very soon.
00:13:22
Speaker
um I'm trying to find an alternative for a physical copy other than like print on demand through Amazon. um There are a couple options, but I haven't settled on anything yet. So as soon as I have that all settled in, my aim is to have it by the end of May.
00:13:39
Speaker
um so So as soon as that comes around, obviously y'all are going to be the first to know because 2025 is ah the year of no more healing and big dick moves.
00:13:55
Speaker
I that that's the first time I've said that out loud and that is obscene and I wouldn't blame you if you turn the episode off now.
00:14:05
Speaker
Okay look let's put that
Future Themes
00:14:07
Speaker
all aside though. um i I need to be done with the you know prove your worth by showing what you've produced bullet points um and instead I want to talk about some of the ideas have been mulling on.
00:14:19
Speaker
I want to give a little bit of kind of an an overview maybe I don't know what we could call it like sort of a surface exploration to some of the kind of themes and the concepts that I'm going to be ah unpacking throughout um this kind of next batch of episodes um as a little caveat maybe a little preface The way that ah this next round of interviews is going to work is um I have been ah slowly collecting interviews over the last couple months. um It obviously was very slow it's at first. And then in March, I did a big, huge whack of them.
00:14:58
Speaker
um So I have a backlog of pre-recorded interviews. I'm also going to be kind of, um I guess you could call it subsidizing or intermixing ah with these ah solo episodes.
00:15:09
Speaker
um There was a really, really great, really positive reception to them ah you know over the last year or so as I started introducing these. So I want to lean into that more. And I want to get really serious about some of the topics that I had started scratching at and going a little bit deeper with.
00:15:24
Speaker
um I had started doing that sort of um introduction to DBT work, um and I want to continue with that. A little life update on that. I am about to start my third unit of the DBT group ah therapy that I have been a part of. So in about eight weeks, I will be officially not mentally ill anymore, according to...
00:15:47
Speaker
According to that program. But but. um Yeah, so one of the themes that I want to be looking at is this idea of um intentional self-respect.
00:15:58
Speaker
um I've talked often over the last couple of years about this idea of the unconditional self-love and one of the sort of reframes i've been working with recently is is looking at it as respect and and um the idea is that i am trying to build relationships initially not off of you know the sort of like uh uh ulterior um or or what would you call them sort of the stereotypical building blocks you know love romance comfort safety familiarity whatever it might be and instead i want to be building it off of respect that is my first initial step in all connections and in order to be able to build connections with others i want to be ah practicing self-respect first can't show up for others respectfully if i can't show up for myself respectfully
00:16:52
Speaker
Because that's how I will um not know how to vocalize my needs. That will be how I don't know how to ask for for what I want or or to say what I need or or anything like that. so So practicing um um tools to build out my self-respect.
00:17:11
Speaker
So i want to be doing a I want to continue that overview of of dbt. showing how to apply those tools and those different units into building ah self-respect.
00:17:23
Speaker
I've been kind of putting it very in this very blunt way, ah but with like a very intentional lack of nuance in that I basically want to practice being selfish. In the absolute best sense of that word.
00:17:36
Speaker
I want to be self-centered in that I want to always be framing what it is that's going to best serve me in order to show up as the version of myself that I want.
00:17:47
Speaker
You know, for me personally, in my reflections, I've realized that I've spent years of my life giving in to the desires of others. I've made myself small in order to to try and please and appease, and I have been terrified of making a decision and you know in a sort of ah ah generalist version of that, on the off chance that it isn't what somebody else wants.
00:18:11
Speaker
So that's going to be a big reoccurring element this this season, is the idea of practicing unconditional, unquestioned self-respect. How are we building um awareness of our own desires?
00:18:25
Speaker
How do we step in and out of situations that don't reflect our desires, our values, our needs? How do we learn how to trust and respect ourselves in order to essentially demand that others in our lives hold that same level of respect for us and for themselves as well?
00:18:49
Speaker
not in ah Not in a coercive way, but in a way of how how how do we model ourselves in order to encourage the connections we're fostering to nourish that type of ah behavior?
00:19:04
Speaker
The next element I really want to be looking at and and unpacking deeper is questioning the concept of authenticity. Just like for years I've been interrogating words of community and friendship, um the idea of what is authenticity, how malleable a word like that can be, and yet how simple it also can be. yeah Authenticity doesn't have to be as hard as it sometimes seems to come by.
00:19:29
Speaker
um In my current thinking right now, and as always, these things fluctuate and and and are very fluid, but right now it feels as though we are collectively taught to fear authenticity.
00:19:42
Speaker
um And since we sort of, in our in our base brains, we tend to hate what we fear and we fear what we don't understand, um it means that authenticity comes to represent something that we need to instinctively reject.
00:19:58
Speaker
But again, and this is why it all circles together, to live authentically simply means to live according to your personal identified needs. And the way I'm right now breaking this idea down and and and want to go further with is is the idea of the differentiation between being nice versus being good.
00:20:17
Speaker
um The idea is someone who's nice... focuses on what others want, right? a nice person is a a kind of a ah people pleaser in camouflage, right?
00:20:31
Speaker
Being nice means you focus on what others want. ah You keep things surface. You placate. You make sure that you say the right thing to make sure that you are... whether consciously or unconsciously, manipulating the scenario to be controlled in the way you want the outcome to come out.
00:20:50
Speaker
And um nice, to me, is really insidious. Whereas good is someone who knows what is right for them, whether or not that makes everyone in the scenario comfortable or not.
00:21:06
Speaker
It's, you know, ideas of recognizing that... um No matter what you do, somebody is going to make you the villain of their narrative, and you can't do anything about that.
00:21:16
Speaker
And so you actually, in some sort of philosophical perspectives, don't owe people safety. um You don't owe people anything, in fact. And that's an element of being good, is being rooted in goodness.
00:21:30
Speaker
And again, how... You know, these are these are flimsy words, and I'm going to be interrogating all these terms, but they're the ones I'm using right now because, you know, language is inherently imprecise. But the idea of goodness from this angle is that you know what is right for you, and you're not concerned with um misinterpretation.
00:21:51
Speaker
It's not about being a steamroller and demanding everybody ah hold your values. It's about accepting and holding what your values are and allowing others to have whatever values they have, have whatever reactions they have, and not trying to manipulate or coerce a reaction that you want, but instead saying, well, this where I'm this is where i'm at This is what I'm rooted in.
00:22:13
Speaker
You can get on board, you can kind of get on board, or you can go do your own thing. And all of those are proper, valid choices. None of them, you know, create ah conflict if you don't want them to. None of them create an imbalance of morality or however you want to frame it.
00:22:32
Speaker
But my intention is to figure out how do I root myself in what I perceive to be good versus nice. And so that's going to be another topic that I want to be really digging into and it chewing on and and kind of looking at how do we identify our personal values? so How do we identify what it is we see as right um and and good versus um how do we identify our...
00:23:01
Speaker
You know, our people-pleasing skills, our traits, our loops, our our instincts to subconsciously, you you know, fear no, fear rejection, those kinds of things, right?
00:23:11
Speaker
So those are the broad stroke thoughts that I'm starting off with, that I'm going to be unpacking. I'm going to be doing individual episodes, diving into those sections.
00:23:22
Speaker
um I'm also going to be breaking them down further. I'm going to be adding in individual episodes about different units within the DBT group.
Listener Engagement Plans
00:23:29
Speaker
group, as I mentioned. um So there's going to be lots more in-depth content. um What I will really was hoping to get across with this episode was just a reintroduction, what's coming down to the pipeline, what to expect, um and some of the things to kind of get excited about.
00:23:45
Speaker
um I'm also going to be introducing ah um a reoccurring, I'm hoping it's going to be a ah monthly thing. I'm not sure how it's going to shake out, but I'm going to be coupling the podcast with the Substack and doing some book club activity stuff. I'm going to be recommending a book um and then, you know, a month later kind of do check in about it.
00:24:08
Speaker
um The sub stack is going to be growing a little bit more from the recommendations element that that I had yeah kind of been toying with. Really, so much of this is trying to root itself in practices of ah connection.
00:24:24
Speaker
um How can I... getting touch with you, the listener, more. How can I engage you a little bit more? um I don't want this to be just you turn on a podcast and i kind of talk in the background. I want this to be um kind of an umbrella experience of places we can collectively come together and and unpack ideas. And, you know, um um one of the one of the sort of seed thoughts of all this was that one of the ah most reoccurring kind of feedbacks or or thoughts I hear from listeners is they'll be listening to an episode, they'll be listening to an interview and they kind of want to interject, right? Because it's, you know, it's a conversation. And so they, they you'll have your own perspectives on things.
00:25:07
Speaker
And so I'm trying to find um entry points to encourage more of that kind of conversation and more of that kind of engagement. I don't want to come across as some kind of lecturer, right?
00:25:19
Speaker
Um, I'm not a trained professional in any capacity, right? I'm just somebody who has autism. So I hyperfixate on this stuff and I learn and I learn and I learn. And I love, you know, my hyperfixation, my special interest is learning, right? So I get into a topic and I'm spinning off. I'm giving ADHD details.
00:25:40
Speaker
So, yeah, my my ah personal goals with all this, expand the connection, book clubs, new creative avenues, new connective tissues, deeper conversations around all these kinds of topics, and just really find new ways to engage people.
00:25:57
Speaker
The audience that I have, how do I grow that audience? How do i provide um material that is valuable to you and adds something educational and worthwhile to your day and your time?
00:26:12
Speaker
And to that end, this is where you come in. um I have been encouraging listener questions over the last couple of years, and they've always been fantastic. I would love to see those continue anytime, day or night.
00:26:23
Speaker
If you have any kind of questions on, you know, whether it's about topics discussed in the show, about just general topics, if there's an episode topic you'd like to hear discussed further. Email me ah friendless pod at gmail.com message me on Instagram or TikTok wherever you find me.
00:26:39
Speaker
um Let's chat. Offer me your perspective. Let's let's see what we can do to to to build a connection that that that serves you. And I'd also really love to hear some feedback around what are some whether it's platforms mediums content types. What are some things that you would like to see that?
00:26:58
Speaker
come out that would ah help you engage with this material more? Would it be, you know, would you like some cheat sheets? Would you like some, some you know, study material? Would you like, um you know, more kind of recommendations towards deeper research? What areas would interest you? What areas would benefit you?
00:27:17
Speaker
Let me know. I'm all ears. With all that said, do you not worry. the The classic center content of this show, the interviews, is will remain the centerpiece.
00:27:28
Speaker
I have an incredible batch of interviews on the docket here. The season starting with an interview i did with Dean Spade, the author of my current obsession book, Love in a Fucked Up World.
00:27:42
Speaker
um I interview local pro wrestlers. I've interviewed um country music stars, movie producers, true crime content creators, ah relationship therapists, activists, video game but professional video game players, people
New Season Teasers
00:28:01
Speaker
from over world.
00:28:01
Speaker
all walks of life. It's an incredible batch of interviews. I feel so blessed to know these people and I cannot wait to share all the interviews with you. They are coming so soon. So just buckle up babies.
00:28:18
Speaker
But I'm gonna wrap things up here. um I just wanted to pop in, say hi, say thanks for your patience, let know everything that's going on and what to look forward to with this new season of Friendless.
00:28:32
Speaker
I'm so, so excited to be back, so excited to be sharing all this new work. I'm charged up, I'm rested, I'm raring to go It was a long winter, but it is spring, the sun is out, and am m So, yeah, you don't want to miss It's all free, so you might as well, right?
00:28:52
Speaker
um as i talked about there's going to be tons of content coming out of the pipeline ah it is restarting along with the podcast so the first post will be coming out shortly um and and yeah you don't want to miss it it's all free so you might as well right Follow me on Instagram, on TikTok, at friendlesspod. And as I mentioned, if you have any questions, any comments, any any feedback, anything at all, email me, friendlesspod at gmail.com. I would love to hear from you.
00:29:21
Speaker
But that's going to do it for me this week. So let's wrap things up there. Thank you so much for listening. And I cannot wait to see you at the next episode. But until then, and as always, fun and safety, sweet peas.
00:30:35
Speaker
you