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The Imp of the Perverse (September Wrap-Up Special)
74 Plays2 months ago
In this very special episode of Friendless, host James Avramenko marks his one-year sobriety milestone by delving into his journey of self-discovery, emotional regulation, and the importance of building a robust support system. James opens up about the pivotal moments that led him to embrace sobriety, including dealing with intense emotions, the struggle of social isolation, and the critical role of harm reduction.
James shares insights into his coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness and mantra meditation, the 90-second rule for emotional regulation, and tips for journaling to process feelings. He reflects on his own personal growth, acknowledging his past struggles with self-worth and co-dependency, and emphasises the transformative power of small, incremental changes over drastic overhauls.
This episode also explores the broader themes of friendship, community, and the human need for connection. James discusses the significance of proactive communication and fostering a diverse support network to avoid echo chambers. He introduces the concept of a "6 pack" of support to distribute the emotional load among trusted individuals.
Listeners will find inspirations not just in James' triumphs but also in his candid acknowledgment of ongoing challenges. This episode is a heartfelt invitation to anyone grappling with sobriety or mental health issues to reach out, seek support, and take those first small steps toward a healthier, more connected life.
Join James Avramenko for a blend of personal storytelling, practical advice, and encouraging words as he continues to navigate the complexities of emotional health and sobriety.
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Transcript
Introduction and Sobriety Milestone
00:00:08
Speaker
Well, hey there sweet peas. Welcome back to Pride and Less. I'm your host James Avermenko and it is the end of September. As Billy Joel Armstrong is woken up again and spooky season goes into full effect, I wanted to celebrate a pretty major landmark in my life. I'm about to hit one year sober. So using that as a jumping on point, I'm going to spend this episode discussing my journey through that as well as some of my favorite emotional regulation tools and tips on building a support system of your own.
00:00:35
Speaker
All that and so much more, plus this month's batch of listener questions at the end. It's gonna be a real treat, so for now, lean back, get comfy, set your volume at a reasonable level, and let's get to it here on Friendless.
Reflections on Time and Sobriety Journey
00:00:47
Speaker
Way back in the day when I was working in this place called Parkerville, which, if you're not familiar with it, it's like one of those, um it used to be a Gold Rush town, its big claim to fame was that it was the largest city north of San Francisco, like during the Gold Rush era, and now it's like a living museum where actors go up in the summer and they you know i'm the miner i'm the this nut you know and and uh one of the people i was working with he he said this thing off-handedly one day that has really stuck with me where he described his life as long days short years and that quote has really been popping up a lot in my mind recently especially in the context of
00:01:23
Speaker
realizing that it's already been a year since i decided to get sober because you know in so many ways it feels like it was yesterday and in so many ways it feels like it was a completely different lifetime ago i was just talking about it with uh jazz on a recent episode about how you know they were saying As you get older, each year takes up a smaller fraction of your life and so it ends up kind of holding a smaller impact in the grand scheme of things. And this kind of concept of like aging and what is it I've done with my life up to this point and what is it I still want to do, these are things that are really holding a lot of space in my thoughts these days.
Facing Shame, Depression, and Substance Use
00:02:05
Speaker
And, you know, historically, these thoughts have come with a lot of shame and a lot of pressure. They've come with a lot of feelings of inadequacy and and embarrassment and feelings like I'm not enough. Right. And upon reflection through the year, I've realized that these thoughts were very much feeding um my drinking and my drug use, and they were feeding the that dark cloud that was kind of built over me.
00:02:28
Speaker
And the fact of the matter is, you know, I had every right to be depressed. I'm not going to beat myself up for um taking what, you know, inevitably is kind of one of the easier routes, which is to numb yourself and to disassociate. But, you know, the last couple of years have been a fuck of a ride, you know?
00:02:45
Speaker
ah Divorce is no joke. And and um it's not like you sign the papers and it's done. um You know, there was an incredible amount of just brutal mourning that came out of that period. and um And then I kind of tricked myself into thinking that I was out of it and I got myself caught up in a whole new cycle of of just chaos and abuse. and um i i I think I became kind of a walking example of the concept of like intellectualizing over-embodying in that um I spent a lot of time right after my divorce reading a lot of books and getting to know a lot of terms and getting to understand why this happened, why that happened, on and on.
Practicing and Understanding Behavioral Change
00:03:33
Speaker
and thinking that my eyes were wide open and only realizing later that um there's a big gap between understanding something and then actually embodying and enacting it and I think that's what ended up coming out of the last couple years is Finding out that the process of actually changing your behavior and the process of actually changing your mind is not ironically something that you can only think about. It's something that you actually have to practice day in day out over and over again and and um allow yourself space for
00:04:16
Speaker
what that entails. It's practice. You're not um you're not in an actual tournament.
Subjective Reality and Storytelling
00:04:23
Speaker
ah you know This isn't a competition. This is just a matter of just um staying alive. and so What we do in practice is we we learn the technique and we try it out and we fail miserably and then we try it again and and again and again and again. and um gradually over time these things become more natural and more second nature and then it gets to a point where you're not thinking about it anymore I've really um gone back and forth in my mind around if I want to tell like
00:04:56
Speaker
the total story of my sobriety. I don't think that the the sort of details are actually all that important. I remember a couple years ago reading a story about kind of trauma processing and talking about how when we tell the stories, it's um it's actually just kind of a self-regulating technique. It's a way for us to kind of calm ourselves down and to slot ourselves into the narrative that we create because How we experience reality is subjective and how I? Experienced a moment is purely my perspective. It's not the truth of what happened. It's not the reality of what happened It's just my reality and so um inevitably
00:05:43
Speaker
When we tell stories we get things wrong because other people were there they felt other things They thought other things they experienced other things they made other assumptions that you did based on the information that they had right and so um You know, I don't think I want to get into the like so there I was day four ah You know, um but I think I wanted to share a in starting this sort of like what it is that actually kind of clicked for me because it was there was a few steps to it um in in my decision to get sober and it was kind of a couple things all coming to a head at the same time um the relationship I was in was coming to a crashing burn um and we were still doing this really fucking awful thing where we were trying to stay connected and we shouldn't have and I was in absolute trauma brain and so I was like reaching out when I shouldn't have been and I was um I was a mess and um one of the days of my last binge um someone I knew pulled me aside and said you know we think you have a problem and I You know the irony of of who it was who was saying it to me and um the context of where we were at that time um is not completely lost on me but at the same time too in that moment I decided rather than being oppositional and rather than saying go fuck yourself you know that's the part calling the kiddo black
00:07:25
Speaker
ah decided to listen and I decided to say okay you know what they decide to do with their life is their choice what I decide to do with my life is my choice and that's what I'm in control of um so I decided to to explore it and think about what they were observing and how I was behaving and and what it was that I was doing that was causing this this pain that I was trying to mask and the other side is um One of my dear friends, Brian Nothing, who has been on the show and i' on and on.
Realization of Taking Control
00:07:59
Speaker
I'm sure listeners are well aware of of Brian. um he He had this TikTok that um I come back to you every now and then. It's one of my favorite posts that he's ever made where he says, you know, if you're ever considering sobriety,
00:08:16
Speaker
or if you think you have a problem um try and stop and if you can that's great um sorry um this video like actually makes me quite um misty um if if you think you have a problem, try and stop. And And if you can, that's good. Take that as a good sign. And if you can't, take that really seriously because that means This is now beyond you. And um I realized in the moment I was that, yeah you know, going back to when this person is pulling me aside.
00:08:53
Speaker
I realized I was right on the cusp of it no longer being something that I was in control of. um I could see where it was about to head um and I decided I wanted to take Brian's advice and I wanted to see if this was a problem that was still you know in my control or whether this was out of my hands at this point.
00:09:17
Speaker
And so I decided to just pull the plug and and pull away and stop and try and get sober. And at the start, it was never with the intention of, you know, always being sober forever. It was like, I'm gonna just see where I'm at when I'm in my sober body and I'm regulated and I'm steady.
00:09:37
Speaker
And um I didn't realize what an absolute like nervous system hell I was gonna go through those first couple months.
Challenges of Early Sobriety
00:09:47
Speaker
um I don't know if I would have ah tried it if if I had known ahead of time how fucking hard it was gonna be at the beginning. um But you know silly old me, I just kind of like jumped in head first and and saw what happened.
00:10:05
Speaker
And you know, there was there was other factors. I think um I wanted to prove these people wrong. um Never ever, never let the power of spite be diminished. um s Spite is an incredibly motivating factor.
00:10:23
Speaker
And it's it's always been a big motivation for me. It's a little bit of like, ah fuck you, I'll prove you wrong, you know? um And, you know, I wanted to prove to these people that I was in control and that they didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. And maybe they should take a look at themselves before accusing me, right? You know, maybe not the healthiest mentality to maintain long term, but short term.
00:10:49
Speaker
mo you know um And so yeah, I decided I wanted to prove that I could do it. And um the first, I'd say, first three months were some of the worst a couple months that I have been through in a very long time. um my just My body being able to feel everything again was way too much for me.
00:11:18
Speaker
um the thoughts, you know, not being able to sleep, um the the looping, um just these thoughts of of of fear and panic and loneliness and isolation, and the fact that I was going through it alone, you know, there was nobody else in the initial phase that I that i could lean on um who was going through it. i was I was hanging out with people who were still drinking, I was hanging out with people who were still using,
00:11:45
Speaker
um And so I had no one else in my direct circle um that I could come to and say like, holy fuck, how's this for you? you know
Pain, Support, and Genuine Connections
00:11:57
Speaker
And that entire winter, you know from October to January was hell. It was just daily ongoing hell. it's that it's It's all I can really describe it as. It felt like I was in this like limbo where um Every feeling was so intense that I had no idea what to do with it and I was just completely shut down.
00:12:23
Speaker
And the the funny thing the the funny thing about pain like that is that it really clarifies um a lot of things. um Without going into too many details, I am somebody who has dabbled in, ah let's call it impact play, um and I find it staggeringly ah regulating. um There's something really really calming about pain um for me at least and um when you're going through that level of intense continuous pain um it really opens your eyes or at least it really opened my eyes and I got to really see
00:13:12
Speaker
who was actually there and who just said they were and who showed up and who backed off.
Emotional Regulation in Sobriety
00:13:19
Speaker
And um and you know that's not something that comes easily. these are not Again, it's coming back to this thing. you know Change is not comfortable.
00:13:29
Speaker
and it's not safe. um And so you have to get good with being in a pretty much perpetual unsafe situation um while not actively making things more unsafe, which is something that I very much did. you know i I continued to really um push for connections that I shouldn't have been and I um God I just you know looking back I was just a chaos I was I was fucking chaos embodied I couldn't think I couldn't string thoughts together properly I was so lucky that I had so many
00:14:05
Speaker
interviews pre-recorded uh because um i would have been an absolute mess uh on the show conducting interviews in that in that phase you know all i had to do at that point was record the intros and the outros and it was like if you go back and listen they're psychotic
00:14:24
Speaker
What I found though is that um as that that intensity, and it did continue, as it continued and it didn't level off and it didn't go away, I started to realize that I was still alive, that it wasn't killing me, that it wasn't the thing you know that I thought it was going to be. and and And the more I learned to tolerate it, and we're going to talk about that a little bit more when we get into these regulation tools, you know the ideal of tolerance,
00:14:54
Speaker
The more I learned how to tolerate that pain and the more I learned to realize that my process is not with the intention of no longer feeling these things. My process is with the intention of learning how to hold these feelings and not act out on them.
00:15:11
Speaker
and not ah try to kind of shift the blame anywhere else, you know, um um and instead just sit with it and be with it myself and learn how to hold it. And and I learned that real quick last winter when um when I found myself pretty pretty alone in these moments.
00:15:33
Speaker
And when I say alone, I want to be really um careful around that because looking back, I've realized, you know, I had a whole system of people behind me. I had a whole community of people behind me. It was that I was so deep in my own pain that I wasn't reaching out. And this is something that I think it has become a real essential thought for me throughout this entire show. You know, seven years of doing this, I've realized that myself very much included in this but I observe it in so many people is we're all so lonely and we're all so isolated and we keep on waiting by the phone and waiting for other people to reach out and invite us out and say hey how are you doing and you know that's
00:16:20
Speaker
that's godly when people do that you know if you're somebody who reaches out unprompted and and says hi or how are you doing or anything like that that is a genuinely god-like behavior um that the vast majority of us don't do And I know I don't. And and um the other side of that is, if I'm feeling lonely, I have been training myself to reach out and say, hey, do you want to hang out? You know, being the friend you want to have in this world, right? It's kind of a play on that. Be the change you want to see in the world, right? Is like, be the friend you want to have.
Momentum in Sobriety
00:16:59
Speaker
and that's something that I've been really practicing um this year is is not waiting for others to include me but instead essentially just include myself I remember I had this friend when I was a kid I won't use his real name ah we'll call him George um ah George was this this kid um who used to always call to see if he could come over and I remember as a kid my my mom would always be like oh that's so weird and and and I you know being a kid you don't know better you think yeah that must be so weird um but looking back I think that that's such an incredible choice on his part good old George
00:17:40
Speaker
ah um Is that you know, he wanted to see someone so he reached out and was like hey we can't hang out at my place But can I come over so that we can hang out and I think that's great um And I I'm trying to and embody that lately um It's not because you know where I live is way the fuck out in the boonies of Vancouver and nobody wants to come out to Marple So so I have to kind of like be the one going out and and doing that and and you know there's some resentment to that but also like it's fun it's fun to get out of the house it's fun to go outside it's fun to see people so like I think that's one of my main takeaways is like if you want to be connected you you should be building those connections not waiting for other people to build them for you and then you know the thing about sobriety is that it does
00:18:28
Speaker
How do I put it? It's not that it gets easier, although in a way it does. In a way, you know, as each month passed, as as as I checked off the boxes of a month, two months, three months, six months, you know, in a way it does get easier because you build momentum. Just like anything else, um it's so much harder to start something than it is to continue doing something.
00:18:50
Speaker
um And so you know as the time passed I my confidence grew and my you know the the the benefits that I started of feeling grew and and um you know the pain was very much still there. Why I was using was very much still there why i you know why I felt like I needed to numb myself is very much still there but.
00:19:08
Speaker
as my body came more online, i I started to feel like it was maybe more worth it to stay sober than to go back. um and And that, I guess, in a way is, you know, quote unquote, easier. um And then it became this kind of ongoing process of like very minute challenges.
00:19:32
Speaker
Something that my therapist was really adamant about was to not challenge your security just because you feel confident in the moment. um Now that was something that we we discussed at length about ah my previous relationships because you know I would feel good and and I would reflect on something and I would think you know they weren't all bad maybe they can be logical this time maybe we can talk and I'm gonna reach out and I want to see and then it would blow up again you know as it always did um ah because that was a stupid idea if you break up with somebody stay broken up it's never a good idea
00:20:12
Speaker
But I ended up really looping it back to my sobriety with this this thought of like there will be days where it feels so much easier than others and on those days you think yeah I could go out I could do this I could do that you know maybe I could have a drink whatever you know and and you start thinking of these like allowances that you don't realize are actually you trying to in one way sabotage but another way like you're trying to see where the boundary is um and so you start setting little challenges for yourself and and I think that that in a certain light is really important to do but I think you have to be really cautious and you have to be really mindful of what the challenge is and you have to be really mindful of what the actual parameters of that challenge is
00:20:58
Speaker
Um, you know, obviously we, we grow and we change through a challenge like this, but if if it's too much too soon, then it, it backtracks you. Um, so for me, it became about these little tiny steps of, okay, I've been a sober a month. Let's go out dancing for a night. Let's see how that feels. Ooh, that didn't feel good. I'm not going to do that for a while. you know, um okay, let's go to a bar and, you know, watch a basketball game with a friend. um Okay, that actually felt really good. Let's let's, you know, okay, we can do that, you know, it's it's tiny little steps about it's almost like, I guess, in a way, it's like exposure therapy of of just finding ways to keep yourself safe at all times, you know, I would go out
00:21:43
Speaker
And um my friend Gavin and I, we would do these really fun things where we would go to like birdhouse events, but we would go right when they opened. So we'd go like right at 10 o'clock and we'd kind of mostly just sort of sit around, drink water for like an hour. And then as soon as I started feeling overwhelmed, we'd leave.
00:22:00
Speaker
Um, um, and so it's like little things like that where it's, it's, you're being really, really mindful of your body. You're keeping yourself really grounded in yourself and you're recognizing when are the triggers coming up? When are those feelings of, Oh, what if I did this? What if I did that? You know, when are, when are those kind of little, um, goblin thoughts coming up? Um, Edgar Allan Poe has this great quote, uh, that I learned from doing this play debts years and years ago.
00:22:25
Speaker
He calls it the imp of the perverse which is like that little that little gremlin in the back of your mind You know like being like yeah, you could jump into traffic today. Whatever oh you know what if you just stepped off that bridge? Oh, who knows you know? It's like yeah, I just love that the imp of the perverse, right? um And and you have to be really cautious around that little imp right and and as soon as he starts getting a little too loud you have to shut him down and But not, you know, I should be i should be cautious around that um because I think that we have this tendency. I know I have this tendency when when an uncomfortable feeling comes up, we block it off. We say no. Right. um And what I've been working on this year is doing this thing where I i turn to it and I listen to it and I say, OK, what are you scared of? You know, so you're you're afraid. Oh, you're afraid you're going to drink. OK, what's going to happen if you drink?
00:23:17
Speaker
Oh, okay. You know, so maybe we shouldn't do that. Maybe we shouldn't be in an area where, be right? And so instead of saying your bad thought, um you say, oh, what are you trying to tell me here? And let's, let's talk it out and let's figure out how we can make all of ourselves, you know, all the voices in my head. How can we make all of you feel safe and valid and heard?
00:23:39
Speaker
Which I guess brings me into one of the main ah points I wanted to talk about is this idea of emotional regulation and some of my favorite emotional regulation tools that I have employed through the year as I've gone through this journey.
Process of Emotional Regulation
00:23:52
Speaker
So when I say emotional regulation, what I'm talking about is the process that we use to manage and respond to emotional experiences.
00:24:00
Speaker
in appropriate and adaptive ways. So these are strategies to amplify, maintain, or decrease emotional response. At least that's the Google definition of it. Now I'm somebody who has a very intense emotional response with all the different the alphabet, you know, all the different letters I've got, ADHD, BPD, ASD, RSD, all kinds of fun things. um What that causes me to have is a really escalated, ah like a hair trigger emotional response.
00:24:38
Speaker
and my emotions get really intense on all the spectrum. So I can be really, really happy and I can be really, really sad and I can be really, really angry and I can be really, really, you know, just the ups and downs, right? um So you may not have that same kind of ah tsunami wave of emotions as I do, but um we all get emotionally dysregulated at times. It's just, you know, to what degree and what severity is dependent on the person.
00:25:06
Speaker
And it's been my experience that the more in tune with my emotions and the more understanding I have for not only, you know, what triggers them and what exacerbates them, because honestly that can change day to day. It can depend, you know, what did I, what have I eaten today? Have I eaten today? How much sleep did I get? What am I wearing? Who's talking? What else? What other noise is going on? You know, there's so many other factors that can trigger things. It's more about like understanding, okay, I'm feeling this right now. What am I going to do with it?
00:25:35
Speaker
and and recognizing you know the baseline. As I'm always saying on the show, m ah as I'm always teaching my students, there's no such thing as a good or bad emotion. There are just emotions. And every every emotion we have, every feeling we can have has a purpose in our body. um There are some emotions that are more comfortable. There are some emotions that are easier to work with, but there aren't good or bad emotions. And I think that is one of the root issues we have
00:26:06
Speaker
Culturally speaking in that um we're not okay with every emotion that we can possibly have and we're told which ones are good to have and which ones are bad to have and and um because you know obviously it's not super comfortable to be around somebody who's really angry.
00:26:22
Speaker
But it is possible to be angry and be safe. It's that we're not taught how to work with anger. Instead, we're taught when you're angry, suppress, which then just makes it grow and explode more. And then, of course, something like an anger can lead to, you know, violence and it can lead to really scary situations if you're not thinking clearly.
00:26:43
Speaker
um which is very hard to do when you're in any emotional state even if you're in ecstasy if you're an absolute you know joy you're not thinking clearly um and so I think it's really important to remember that um no one emotion is the problem. they Any of them can be a problem because any of them can cloud our judgment, can cloud how we make choices. So the more aware you are of what emotion you're having in the moment is and what you'd like to do with that emotion, the better. I learned this fascinating ah factoid, I think last year, I can't remember where, um but it says that if you were to feel
00:27:27
Speaker
unemotion Let's say, you know, you your an emotion gets triggered and it enters your body and it begins to work through your system. That emotion only lasts if you sit with it and work with it. It only lasts about 90 seconds.
00:27:41
Speaker
That's it. So um you know I'll ask that question in class sometimes. I'll be like, you know how long do you think an emotion lasts? And people will be like, hours, days, seconds, whatever. you know um Because we don't know how to work with our emotions. And and you know just like anything, if you if you if you ignore something, if you push it away, it gets louder next time. So if you if you say, oh, I feel angry. I'm going to ignore it.
00:28:08
Speaker
then it's gonna come back as real angry and if I'm gonna keep ignoring then it's gonna come back as rage then it's gonna come back as fury you know ah because it's gonna build but if you sit with it and you go oh I'm angry right now I'm gonna do something about this in a healthy constructive way um that emotion is only going to last in your body about 90 seconds and that's it and then it's gonna be gone and then you can go on with the rest of your day the first practice is probably one of the most like stereotypical ones but it's about it's mindfulness and meditation especially um now i do a few different types of meditation
00:28:42
Speaker
um because I find that different styles help build different techniques. um And so for something like emotional regulation, I think like mindfulness meditation is the most helpful. The the type where you sit, you you you focus on your breathing, you feel the air come in and out, and you really train your body to listen, or yes excuse me, you you train your mind to listen to your body.
00:29:11
Speaker
and what's going on, you feel the pieces of you one at a time and you really isolate and you really focus. um This, over time, the more you do it, the the easier it becomes to recognize what's going on within your body. The thing is, I like to do a daily meditation practice, but I don't always want to focus, um which is where my other favorite meditation style comes into play, mantra meditation. um There's a version of a transcendental meditation TM um That is really popular with like, you know, I first learned about it from like David Lynch and all that but um um I did a a workshop a couple years ago where like I you know, I got a mantra and I and I did the initial practice and um I do it, I will admit I have slacked on my practice recently, but but i I try to do it at least every once a day where I just sit with my mantra. And what's nice ah about that style is that it's not actually ah about focusing on anything. it's it's It's the exact opposite. It's about sitting and allowing the resonance of the mantra to just sort of echo within you.
00:30:24
Speaker
um and just breathe, just breathe with it and and kind of release focus. So it's almost the the polar opposite of mindfulness meditation. And I think both are fantastically helpful, um but they do end up helping with different kind of cognitive shifts. Now, if you don't meditate and you want to ah try it, um I really recommend there's this fantastic app. There's two apps actually that I would recommend.
00:30:53
Speaker
if you want to get into mindfulness uh balance is a fantastic app and if you want to try uh mantra um oak is is one i would recommend they're both on ios i don't know about android fuck android but um But I'll put some links in the show notes if you'd like to try it out. Now, they you don't have to meditate. ah I mean, fuck, you don't have to do anything. um But if you want to really distill it down, one of the most helpful regulating breath techniques is short in, long out. They recommend like four in through the nose, you hold, and then out through the mouth for seven.
00:31:34
Speaker
but if you're so far gone that you can't even concentrate on that literally just making sure breathing in is shorter than breathing out in through the nose out through the mouth um and just long out you'll be right as rain literally within a couple breaths um um our our body has an incredible ability to take care of it of itself before our mind actually catches up. um So if you do a couple of those short in through the nose, long out through the through the mouth, um your body is going to settle down real quick. um And then the mind is a whole other thing. But you know be gentle with it because it's trying.
00:32:13
Speaker
The other big technique that I really recommend is, ah surprise, surprise, journaling. um you know As a writer, um I am a massive proponent for this one. um I find it incredibly helpful when I'm feeling any emotion, big, small,
00:32:30
Speaker
happy, sad, whatever it might be when I journal it out and I write out, you know, whatever it is I'm feeling. like um It doesn't have to come with any kind of structure. It doesn't have to come with any kind of punctuation or, you know, whatever. Just literally just splatting it on the page. um I have journals littered all over my house. I don't have just like This is my angry journal. This is my this journal. I have just journals everywhere where if I'm feeling something, if I have a thought pop up and I'll just grab one and I'll just start ah scribbling in it and I find it especially for uncomfortable emotions, you know, anger, sadness, these kinds of things.
00:33:08
Speaker
I find journaling to be an incredibly helpful expression of those feelings um and because you know it gets you it gets out of your body. um I was talking off-handedly in another episode recently, but but there was this fact um um my my partner shared with me recently that um when we um have these negative thoughts in our mind um and we hold them within ourselves. They stay, right? they They lock into our nervous system and we stay within those emotions. If we take those exact same thoughts, we don't even have to change them. We don't have to flip them and say, oh, it's okay or whatever. if we just If we say, you know, go fuck yourself. Oh my God, I'm so fucking mad. We take those identical thoughts and we put them on paper or we express them
00:33:58
Speaker
um that feeling channels itself out of our body way, way quicker. So I really encourage you, if you're feeling these uncomfortable emotions, grab a pen, grab a piece of paper and just start scribbling. It doesn't have to you know be with the intention of like flipping it so that you're looking on the bright side or anything like that. um Toxic positivity has no place in my realm.
00:34:24
Speaker
ah We don't always have to look on the bright side. um But just get the thought out of you. Write it out. And one thing I find when I journal, when I'm done, I read back and I realize how small that emotion actually is and how fleeting that emotion actually is.
00:34:43
Speaker
um And it becomes these really kind of beautiful little snippets. you know A lot of my poetry comes out of these moments. um A lot of my writing comes out of the first splat and then I look back on it and I go, oh, I can work with this. I can play with this. you know I can do something with it. um That's literally what ah hey sorry I missed you is built out of is is ah journals from years ago that I've gone back and tweaked and played with and and um kind of tried to fiddle into something semi legible so yeah you know journaling has extra benefits not only does it help you in the moment but also long term hey you might be able to make a book that a couple people read on the internet
00:35:28
Speaker
The other big piece of um emotional regulation is the idea of a support system.
Building a Support System
00:35:37
Speaker
For me, there's a fine balance between the sort of personal development and then the communal development. you know We are only really in control or responsible for ourselves.
00:35:50
Speaker
to a certain degree. um And at the same time, too, we're also communal animals, right? Like we need to be in connection with people and more than just online, more than just texting, more than just like sharing videos that, the you know, those are important facets. um And if they're all you have access to, obviously, they're a massive benefit. um But if you have the ability to see someone in person. I really recommend you take it every time because we're you know we're not built to know each other through screens. We're built to know each other in person. You know, flesh to flesh, right? Touch. um Touch your friends. yeah
00:36:33
Speaker
But what I mean is that it's like there's there's the piece that you're responsible for on your own and no one can really control that and no one can get you to do it and no one can get it to stick for you. you know Your behavior is your own. um And on the other side, um I think that behavior gets reinforced with how you interact with people. And um so it's really important to have a team around you. um I've been thinking a lot recently about how our systems of capitalism and consumerism are so tailored towards um the individual and they're tailored towards, you know, if you are that special little boy who just bootstraps themselves and if you just work harder than everyone, then because you're so special, you're going to get everything you want. And that's not how people actually work. People work in connection and in community. They they do better. You know, it's that old saying of faster alone, further together. Like we don't
00:37:33
Speaker
build anything that lasts alone. um There's no such thing as the great man of history. you know if If my old university profs have anything to say about it, um um history is made by people. um Even if it is you know a person leading, it's still people doing things.
00:37:50
Speaker
But I'm tangenting sorry. um um So, you know, it's this idea of recognizing the behaviors that you want to be adjusting for yourself and making those agreements with yourself and learning about that and, you know, changing those but then also finding ways to connect to people who are going to support you.
00:38:07
Speaker
um A lot of the interviews I've been doing recently, we've been talking a lot about how um when you're feeling down, you feel kind of bad about reaching out to people because you feel like, oh, I'm always putting this on this person and I'm always you know but i'm always um putting pressure on this one person. They're going to get tired of me. They're going to get sick of me. um And that's where the idea of the six pack comes into play.
00:38:32
Speaker
No i think i've talked about this on a past show i don't i can barely remember what i talked about yesterday but um i was introduced to this idea from a friend of mine ah right when i was getting sober.
Concept of a 'Support Six Pack'
00:38:44
Speaker
About the idea of the six pack ah which is you know find.
00:38:49
Speaker
give or take six people that you can kind of spread the load of support across um and communicate your need. you know Don't wait for people to read your mind. Don't wait for people to see that you're hurting so they reach out. Be the person who proactively reaches out to people and say, hey, I need support. Are you able to support me in this way?
00:39:13
Speaker
It's really important to remember you're not too much for having needs. um And on the other side, that person is an adult and so they are able to make decisions for themselves. If they're able to support you, they will say yes. If they're unable to, they'll say no. And if they're and ah unable to but say yes, that's their problem.
00:39:32
Speaker
um That's their codependency that they need to get good with. It's not on you to monitor other people and to make decisions of your needs based on their needs. That's codependency and that is something that you need to just nip.
00:39:48
Speaker
right in the bud real quick and that of course is the other side if somebody comes to you and asks for support and you can't give it be honest it's always always always going to be better to say I'm so sorry I can't help you right now then to say yes burn yourself out and then inevitably you know become resentful or become um ah you know feeling like you're owed something or you know all that from mushy, tangly crap that comes out of that kind of people-pleasing behavior.
00:40:19
Speaker
I would really recommend finding people who A, obviously you feel safe with, but B, are going to offer you different perspectives on things and aren't necessarily always going to agree with you. I think one behavior that I've observed in a lot of people and my myself very much always included in this is this idea of like keeping your circle really tight um around people who are always going to agree with you and always going to prop you up. and And I think that that's a recipe for, you know, it's like that's an echo chamber, right? And it's a way to reinforce potential bad behavior because if you're never getting pushback or if you're never getting um an alternate perspective of things or asking like, well, what if you had done this different or anything like that?
00:40:59
Speaker
then um you're never going to actually be challenged to change. um So I think it's really important to get different perspectives, people who aren't always going to agree with you, people who are going to push back on you, and and then at the same time too, people who are going to unconditionally um love you. That very much starts with your own personal practice. you know you're You're not going to be able to receive love from others if you're not.
00:41:23
Speaker
able to give yourself the love that you need first so your first step really is to work on building up that self-confidence and that unconditional self-love and then allowing the love of others to come in ah beyond that in whatever capacity they're able to to share it you know when I say unconditional love I don't mean they're always gushing over you what I mean is like they've got your back and even if they are pushing back on things even if they are asking you know what if you had done something wrong that that isn't a sign that they don't love you that's the if anything that's a sign that they do because they're willing to challenge and they're willing to push and they're willing to grow with you rather than just kind of butter you up and blow smoke up your ass and then send you on your
Embracing Mistakes and Growth
00:42:02
Speaker
way.
00:42:02
Speaker
So I really um challenge you to to sit down with yourself. If you're somebody who needs support, look at the list of people you know, write some people out, think about what way could they support you if you know in an ideal world.
00:42:17
Speaker
and then reach out to them and ask, hey, look, this is the kind of support i'm I'm looking for, would you be willing to to kind of experiment and play around with me and see what we can offer each other? It's gonna feel weird and it's gonna feel awkward and you're gonna do it wrong, especially if you've never done it before. You're gonna fuck up and that's okay. um That doesn't diminish your, to you know, your worthiness or your, to your your but but what's the word I'm looking for? Your deservingness? that's not a word but you know it doesn't diminish that you deserve support and love and and all the resources that these people can can offer and that i guess is really what so much of this boils down to is that um you know my sobriety my my mental health journey all of it is is about releasing the pressure to do perfection the first time and instead i'm gonna fuck up i'm gonna allow myself to fuck up i'm gonna allow myself to try stuff out
00:43:13
Speaker
and And it's not always gonna stick and it's not always gonna be the best, but it's gonna be what I could do at that time. And i'm going to I end up feeling so much more proud of myself for trying rather than succeeding.
00:43:26
Speaker
um um it's It's really, I think the fear of failure is far too powerful an excuse to not try something. um I know that's an excuse I've used most of my life is, oh well, I could fuck it up, so I better just not do it instead. And um you know but that is not a helpful mentality, so stop it.
00:43:54
Speaker
got know
00:43:57
Speaker
But um I really want to kind of ah open things up to to you, the listeners, you know, if you are feeling like you who need support, if you have more questions about building support or about sobriety or anything like that, I really, you know, the lines are open. Please do reach out and I'd love to talk more about it. If you have more questions, anything like that.
00:44:17
Speaker
I'll put some of the resources that I've really appreciated through the year into the show notes. And yeah, feel free to explore and and ah ask questions, reach out. You know, like I'm always telling my students, I don't know what you don't know. So if you are wondering about something, if you want to hear more about something, then ask away and we'll see what we can do for you.
00:44:46
Speaker
OK, so ah that big spiel is in the bag. um Feeling good. And yeah, just, you know, I can't believe it. I'm a year sober. That's fucking amazing. I feel great and my body feels great. I have more money in my bank account than I ever have before in my entire life.
00:45:02
Speaker
And yeah, but shit's cooking. you know so So with that in the can, let's swing over to some listener questions for the month. As always, if you have any questions, don't wait for the call. Just feel free to message me.
00:45:17
Speaker
ah at friendlesspod on Instagram or TikTok email me friendlesspod at gmail dot.com any questions I will always feel I put out a little call kind of around the the topics of the week sometimes on Instagram but don't feel like you have to wait for that prompt if you if something pops up just message me and I will log it for the next episode the first question um I'll be honest I have not unpacked it fully but it says how many follow-up question why many
00:45:49
Speaker
I replied to the person asking it um for them to kind of say more, but their response to that was just a laugh. so um you know I think this is a really important question. Maybe this is one of the most i important questions of our times, but unfortunately, I don't have a strong enough answer that I can really confidently give to you right now.
00:46:13
Speaker
um I'm hoping someday I'll have a clearer answer on how many and why many.
00:46:23
Speaker
Next question is, what is your go-to comfort source to get warm fuzzies? um You know, it's the the my favorite time of year. It's fall, the weather's changing, it's getting cool. The summer in this apartment is scorching hot. I finally had to to break down and buy air conditioning. This is my third summer in this apartment and I finally invested in some aircon.
00:46:49
Speaker
um And so in sort of recent time, I haven't really needed to get warm fuzzies because it's been so goddamn hot in here. But but the weather is changing. um I have busted out my thick reading socks, my absolutely beloved ah long johns. I love wearing ah thermal underwear under my pants. It's my favorite thing in the whole world.
00:47:15
Speaker
um but you know those are just like getting warm um I guess to get the fuzzies it's all about my my stuffies I got a little collection of ah of ah ah Jelly cats and other assorted but um stuffed animal brands I actually I got this giant snorlax From Costco a couple months back that is just like the perfect snuggle buddy. So yeah, so when I'm feeling down um I will literally just kind of encase myself in stuffed animals and Just really let the autism fly
00:47:51
Speaker
Oh, actually, there's also, um from Muji, I got this awesome, like big squishy pillow. It's kind of built as for the same job as Snorlax, and it was way too expensive, but I love it so much. It's really like, it kind of, oh my God, what is the word? It like kind of contorts as you squeeze it, and I love it, so yeah. Muji, shout out Muji, hell yeah.
00:48:18
Speaker
The next question is, has your sobriety inspired others' sober journey?
Inspiring Others and Advocacy
00:48:23
Speaker
And is there anyone whose sober journey has inspired you? um This is a tricky one, because you know I'm not directly in the Alcoholics Anonymous program, but I do know people who are. And um obviously, ah one of the two words in the name is anonymous, so it's tough to name names.
00:48:44
Speaker
um I don't know if I've inspired anyone. I hope I have. um If I have, let me know um but because I'd love to hear from you. um I know I talk about it a lot. um I know many of my friends are testing the waters around it um and i I lend them my perspective as often as I can. and and i just you know i'm not I'm not somebody who says you should be sober today. um That worked for me um just because of my circumstances, but I'm a much bigger proponent of um harm reduction and and just you know making it work for you um than I am about like direct absolute sobriety.
00:49:26
Speaker
um You know, when I talk to my friends about it, i'm I'm often just saying, well, like, maybe try, you know, see what, see what feels right. Maybe, maybe if this isn't feeling good, maybe cutting back, whatever, you know. um ah You know, there's lots of different and tactics you can employ um that you can kind of just spitball, you know, count your drinks, do cut yourself off. You only drink on every other day, whatever it is, you know.
00:49:49
Speaker
Um, but, uh, but yeah, so I hopefully you have inspired people. I don't know. i i Like I say, let me know if I have, um, in terms of other people, you know, again, I can't name names, but yes, there are a couple people, you know, obviously I talked earlier, uh, earlier in the episode about, uh, all the support that Brian, uh, gave me and I really hold him up as somebody that I really.
00:50:10
Speaker
I just I am so inspired by him and I'm just I continue to be so odd by his his work ethic and and his his tenacity and his dedication to everything I just I love him with my whole being and yeah he's definitely somebody who I hold up as a as a you know ah I guess a role model or as somebody who I just really I want to live up to you you know so yeah ah keeping on the sobriety track do you still feel the need to be unsober or has that feeling passed ah the It depends on the day, you know um Like I was talking about earlier, you know those feelings don't go away. They're just you could just tolerate them a little bit easier um And I really you know as as they say in the program, you know, you just take it day by day um And today I'm sober and I don't know what's gonna come tomorrow or next week or next month or whatever But I know today I am
00:51:03
Speaker
And um there are days where I think about it. There are days where it's really tough. And there's days where I really question, what am I even doing here? um But it does seem for me to have gotten easier. And I don't want to be so cocky as to say, like, it'll never come back. Because who knows?
00:51:25
Speaker
um But I know for me, I feel clearer than I have in years. I feel just more alert, more cognizant. I feel like I can carry more um um on good days. um There's still really bad days because there's also still other shit going on in my body, right? But ah but but yeah, I think those thoughts are still very much present, but they're they're quieter than they have been in the past. Here's a really great one. Are you still going hard on the milkshakes?
00:51:55
Speaker
I have had to put milkshakes to to to rest. Actually, that was a piece of advice. I must have talked about it on the show, but that was a piece of advice that that Brian Gaby actually he said. Anytime you're feeling a craving, um do two things. he's like He said, what what what you're doing is you're looking for connection and you need sugar. So so hang out with somebody and give yourself a sugar treat.
00:52:19
Speaker
And so my way of doing that was I would always order milkshakes. Because I didn't really like cake. He'd always say, eat a piece of cake. I'm not a big cake guy. So I got milkshakes instead. Ooh, the farts. The farts, the farts, the farts. It was having a really, really negative effect on my dating life.
00:52:44
Speaker
, I actually found out that sour candy is a really good ah replacement for self-harm tactics. um So if you struggle with that and you don't want to get those awful elastic bands, eat Sour Patch Kids. Brought to you by your local untrained podcaster. ah Do not take me for any medical advice. I'm so sorry, everyone.
00:53:35
Speaker
How about this question, have you found any new or surprising sources of support over the past year?
Unexpected Support Sources
00:53:41
Speaker
Um, yeah, actually, um, I was someone who was, I always rolled my eyes at Reddit. I always thought Reddit was just the corniest, stupidest, lamest, you know, all the words that are derogatory for a message board website. And um over the last year, I have become pretty active in a couple boards. I started out in ah in a BPD support group, actually, that I've that i've really come to cherish. And um i've I've joined a few other so we're sober boards. And yeah, I'm like starting to recognize people. And we're starting to chat. And we're starting to reply to each other in threads. And it's really fun and really nice.
00:54:26
Speaker
um The other one is TikTok. um Yeah, I've been a little spotty in posting over the last couple months. I just took i took the summer off everything, you know, but um I'm coming back slowly. But um earlier in the year, TikTok was a huge source of really surprising support because, you know, I would post these videos just off the cuff. I'd never had a plan. I was always just like, this is is my thought today. And I would put it up and people would reply and people would message me. And I got talking to people like, all across the world. I made connections to people in Australia and we got talking about our mental health and we started you know supporting each other and ah to to a certain degree. like These are still strangers on the internet, you know but but those were really those are real sources of comfort for me, um knowing that you know no matter how flippant, no matter how bizarre, no matter how out there my thoughts were,
00:55:16
Speaker
Um, there were people out there in the world who were connecting to it and and saw themselves in it. And I thought that was really fascinating and really, yeah, really comforting. I think the other one is I've really, I think I've surprised myself in how I've built my own internal support system. Um, something I became really like.
00:55:36
Speaker
voracious for it almost became like i don't know i became like really stubborn about it was this development of self-love and self-motivation and self-support you know in the in the winter when i got sober you know like i i i basically lost everybody who i was seeing on a day-to-day basis you know with the exception of a very very small handful handful of people um and so I became really self-reliant and um and and I've you know I don't think that's necessarily the way to go for everybody I think it's really important to have people around but at the same time too I think
00:56:14
Speaker
Showing myself that I can give myself the love that I didn't get from the people I wanted it from um that I can just decide fuck them. They're the ones missing out. You know, they're the ones who fucked off. So so I'm gonna give myself the love that I thought I wanted from them.
00:56:30
Speaker
um When really who the fuck needs that right? um um So so yeah, I think I've surprised myself in how I've built my own internal support system and how how Much of a second nature that's become over the months of practice, you know It started with really goofy like, you know talking in the mirror giving myself compliments every time I walked by a mirror, you know um you I would do this thing where literally, if I caught my reflection in any surface, it whether it was the mirror, my computer, walking down the street, on the sidewalk, wherever it was, if I caught my reflection, I would stop and I'd be like, hey, I really like your shoes, or oh, your hair looks great today, or just like something dumb, and it felt so goofy and stupid and silly, and and as the months went on, it just it became such a fun little practice for me.
00:57:21
Speaker
and um and it And it really served to reinforce my confidence and my self-love. And um so yeah, just there's little tricks like that, you know, that that are going to feel really weird at the start. um They eventually kind of get settled in and they become really um vital practices for for for my own ah process.
00:57:43
Speaker
And last but not least, and it kind of builds off of this actually, this last answer, um recommendations for creating a solid emotional toolkit, hammers, chainsaws, et cetera. um yeah I think my my recommendations, if if I was going to like, should this is a fun exercise, like like an emotional toolkit.
00:58:04
Speaker
Um, I think the very first step is you start small. You don't plan on changing everything today. You decide one thing you're going to change. So, you know, for me, it was like, okay, I'm going to get sober. And then it was like, I'm going to build my self-confidence and then, you know, it's incremental. So what you do is you build, you you focus on one element that you'd like to change. And then you incorporate one little practice every day. So again, for me, it was giving myself a compliment in the mirror, you know, just something that isn't going to be really taxing isn't going to be like um monumental time commitment or anything like that. Just a tiny little thing that I can do throughout my day um that's going to be able to kind of ah incorporate itself without interrupting anything.
00:58:49
Speaker
Um, so I think the, yeah, the first thing is to identify the next is to make really baby steps and, and be really patient, um, to not like, just go full hog, like I'm changing everything and this is my new.
00:59:04
Speaker
lifestyle and body and hair and everything right um but instead like just just real slow um I think I know for me coming out of everything I've been coming out over the last you know got five years or so um um I felt like I was really behind I continue to still really struggle with that feeling like I'm i'm behind I'm I need to catch up. Oh my God, all that wasted time. What have I been doing? you know um and And really actively pushing back on those thoughts and really actively um and like almost non-negotiably slowing myself down.
00:59:39
Speaker
that's been an incredible resource for me. so So I think patience is another big tool. um um and then And then what we've been talking about, you know, get your six pack, um build some support systems, practice communicating, practice asking what you want and um and how people can help you, um and practice being really clear. Practice not um not ah devaluing yourself, you know, don't start something by saying, hey, sorry, could you, you know, like just say, could you do this for me and leave it there? You know, always keep it in mind that thought of like, no is a full sentence, you know, um and it's this it can be the same thing on the other on the other side. Clarity is simple um and it's about directness. i Could you do this for me because I need this, right?
01:00:30
Speaker
That's it. That's all you need. You don't need to color in, oh, but if you can't, woo, sorry, it's fine. If not, oh, no worries. Haha. You know, like none of that. Get rid of all that shit. Clarity. um um I think that's, you know, yeah, practicing your communication. I think those are your first, those are your first kind of steps. um And then you can get deeper into, you know, questioning your, looking at your attachment styles. looking at how you show up in relationships. you know I had to really do a lot of digging into a lot of shadow work around codependency and around people pleasing and around all these kinds of elements um that you may not necessarily have to address. But I think it is really important when you're when you're looking at ah the world around you and you're looking at things changing, I think it's really important to reflect on how you're showing up within that world.
01:01:16
Speaker
and to not justify yourself, to not say, well, everything I do is golden, right? But instead to say like, okay, how were my actions being interpreted? And why would they be interpreted like that? And how could I have shown up differently, right? um I think those are those are really, but that's sort of next level stuff. Like, cause that can get pretty rough. um There's a lot of grief that comes out of that. So so um being really cautious and being really patient, I think is where you want to start.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
01:01:53
Speaker
But that is going to do it for this episode. Thank you so much for listening. um I had such a blast recording this. um It's fun to kind of like reflect back and be like, holy shit, it's been a fucking year. Holy shit. And yeah, things are just getting started. I feel like it's taken a year to finally settle in and now I'm ready to kind of get the next ball rolling, you know.
01:02:14
Speaker
Um, but, uh, but yeah, thank you so much. Uh, I'm going to be back next week, the brand new interview. Um, and we're going to just keep the good times rolling. If you have questions, if you have comments, if you have, uh, topics you'd like to i hear discussed on the show, please do write to me, um, friend this pod at gmail dot.com or friend this pod on Instagram and tick tock. Um, do people still email? I don't know. I was talking about this with my therapist the other day. Do do people still email?
01:02:44
Speaker
Anyway email me and let me know do you still email? And of course don't forget to sign up for the sub stack I have a new experiment brewing that I'm almost ready to share I think I'm gonna be doing a little bit of a facelift on the newsletter as a whole um That's gonna be coming down pretty soon. So be sure to sign up so that you never miss an update on that But that's going to do it for me today because I have talked and talked and talked and I want to give my throat a little break. So I'm going to curl up, watch a movie, kick off spooky season, right? And of course, I'll be back next week with a brand new episode and I hope you'll be there too. But hey, I'm not going to worry about that right now. And neither should you because that is then. And this is now. So for now, I'll just say I love you one more time and I'll wish you well. Fun and safety, sweeties.