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93. Letting Go Of Patterns That Hold Us Back- With Adriana Sorgi
89 Plays3 years ago
Adriana Sorgi is a self published author of the book "Your Breakdown Is Your Breakthrough". In our conversation we talk about different aspects of grief that she experienced throughout her life. We talk about how her parents divorce impacted her as a young teenager, she talks about her history of eating disorders and how becoming a mother saved her life. We talk about her own divorce and how letting go of patterns that weren't serving her anymore, allowed her to truly be empowered.
A little more about Adriana Sorgi, in her own words:
"I am passionate about helping women claim everything about themselves... the good, what they judge as “bad” and everything in between. I believe that only from this place we have the capacity to create meaningful relationships, and a life that is inspiring to us.
I absolutely love helping women realize their value, take a stand for their truth and reveal their hearts without shame or apology.
As a coach, I don't hold back. I am direct, honest and will always stand for your truth. It is my commitment to empower you to step fully into who you truly are.
"You gotta claim the hell out of who you are without apology." This is the only way for you to discover how powerful you can be.
I want to help you allow HEALTHY love in by honoring every piece of you first. I believe that a big part of creating a healthy "romantic relationship" starts with being clear in what you want, knowing your boundaries and speaking your truth moment by moment.
I am a mother of two teenagers, a Spiritual Entrepreneur, and a Relentless Soul Seeker.
My credentials include an M.A. in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica, a Soul-Centered Professional Coaching certification, an Enneagram training certification, a Fitness Training certification and more...
I am a published author of Your Breakdown Is Your Breakthrough. Now available for sale on Amazon.
I I also write for the Huffington Post and Facilitate women’s groups on relationship and dating. "
Contact Adriana Sorgi:
https://www.instagram.com/adrianasorgicoaching/
https://www.adrianasorgi.com
Contact Kendra Rinaldi:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Personal Transformation
00:00:00
Speaker
So grieving is not only grieving about people that we lose, right? It's grieving patterns. It's grieving our old selves. It's grieving all ways of behavior, right? And I think for me, it was all of that. I made a very clear decision that I was never going to settle again.
00:00:24
Speaker
And in order for me to do that, I had to let go of patterns, of patterns that held me back from being the woman that I was committing to being, from being an empowered woman. I can be an empowered woman and settle at the same time. That doesn't go together.
00:00:49
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:12
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host.
Meet Adriana Sorji
00:01:27
Speaker
Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:34
Speaker
You are all in for a treat today. You will be listening to Adriana Sorji. Adriana is a mother of teenagers, spiritual entrepreneur, published author, as well as a relentless soul seeker. She is the author of Your Breakdown Is Your Breakthrough and How to Reconnect with Your True Self and Live Your Life Unapologetically.
00:02:02
Speaker
And we will be talking about different aspects of grief, not related to death, but about changes and transitions in life and ending of chapters. So welcome, Adriana. Thank you so much, Kendra. I'm so happy to hear you. And by the way, she is from Colombia, so if you guys
00:02:20
Speaker
By chance, here are accents or if we end up going into Spanish, we normally communicate in Spanish with each other, but we are doing this in English for the listeners because her book is in English and a lot of the people that follow her are English speakers on her social media. So I'm so excited to have you there here. Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
00:02:42
Speaker
Okay, so tell us a little bit more about your about you. So I said you're from Colombia. So let's talk about that when you came to the States and a little bit about your life and your upbringing. Yeah, so I I've been in the States for about almost 30 years. So since I graduated from high school, I moved to Los Angeles, I actually was an exchange student in Los Angeles in in Northern California.
00:03:11
Speaker
not L.A., but north of L.A. for a year. And that's when I realized that this felt like home. So I went back to Columbia after my exchange student year, which I graduated as a senior in high school there. And when I went back, I was there for a year and a half. And then I thought, you know what, this
00:03:36
Speaker
I need to go back. That really feels more aligned with me. And I came back right before I turned 20 and I've been here ever since. Yeah. And we met in college. I remember actually when we met. I think we were in the computer room. I think that when we met, we might've been in the computer room.
00:03:55
Speaker
That's kind of what I remember. I was writing emails, you know, like back then there were no smart phones, but I think we met in the computer room. So that's, yeah, we met in Santa Monica College. That's right. Yes. And so we've known each other since, but we haven't seen each other in probably 20 years. We haven't seen each other. Oh my goodness. That's crazy. Yeah. Because I've been married for 18 and I left and it's probably been about 20 years since I've seen you.
00:04:24
Speaker
Probably even more. More, yeah. It's crazy, huh?
Adriana's Early Challenges and Spiritual Journey
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah. But it feels like we see each other all the time. Well, social media does that, right? Yeah, yeah. And then we've talked and so forth. So it's not like we haven't seen each other, but it doesn't mean like we haven't been connected.
00:04:43
Speaker
I was so excited when you came out with your book and reading it. It got me to get to know you in these other levels. Of course, I knew a lot of your story, and we had talked about different aspects of your story and your life because we were in college. But at the same time, I feel like back then in our early 20s,
00:05:02
Speaker
Maybe the type of connections and the type of conversations, maybe we're not as like deep as they are now, right? As we start maturing and becoming more in alignment with who we are, we start opening up more. But I do remember there was a book you really liked back then that really struck me and really gave me an attention. I don't know if you remember this part. You liked, I think it was conversations with God.
00:05:30
Speaker
Does that ring a bell for you? Yeah, totally. And so I was like, wow, like it gave me that perspective that you did have already these really deep and soulful type of insights about you. And this is, you know, we're here like in our early twenties and this young woman reading these really deep books then. So I thought I'd read that. Does that recall? Do you recall that? Yeah, 100%. I think that I started
00:05:59
Speaker
I got on this journey of spiritual seeking early in my 20s. I had a pretty tough childhood in Colombia and when I moved back to the United States, I felt really lost.
00:06:22
Speaker
When you met me, I was a very lost soul. I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I felt really sad inside. Nobody could really see the degree of my sadness and confusion.
00:06:41
Speaker
that I live with. And I started to gravitate towards spirituality back then. And I think it all started from meetings, meetings that I attended about bulimia.
00:06:57
Speaker
I was bulimic back then and for about 15 years since the age of 13 until right before I think I wrote a little bit on the book until I got pregnant with my daughter. So during that time I was married and I felt really confused with my life. There was a lot of things that I had. I lived a really
00:07:20
Speaker
expansive life, materially speaking. I had everything I wanted, but internally I felt incredibly lost.
00:07:30
Speaker
And so I started seeking, seeking, going deeper with myself, learning, reading, going to taking workshops, working with coaches.
Turning Points and Personal Growth
00:07:43
Speaker
And little by little, I realized that there was so much more about me than just being a mom.
00:07:50
Speaker
Even though I I love being a mom. Yes, but I knew that there was a lot more and so I began to explore more into this, you know path of spirituality and learning more about myself learning about my my my capabilities in this lifetime and that's how it all started to almost sort of like come together and By understanding of a puzzle. Yeah Understanding who I really was
00:08:20
Speaker
you know, what I was able to do. But yeah, it all started back then in my 20s, but you know, things kept happening. I kept, you know, like, like almost like seeing the light and then not seeing it. Seeing it and not seeing it, right? Like until my huge breakthrough, which was really my divorce. That was my biggest breakthrough. And that's how this book came along. Yeah.
00:08:45
Speaker
Wow, there's so much there so let me let me go back and go into other aspects I got chills and I started getting really moved because the fact that I knew you then and to know that you've been around a person that you
00:09:02
Speaker
you wanted to be seen or was struggling with these things and maybe not knowing, you know, makes me a little bit sad that I was around. That I wish I would have been more aware of those kind of things, you know, and it makes me feel like
00:09:21
Speaker
being more aware even in my present day with my relationships of really truly listening. I know now I'm more intuitive of knowing when people are not like okay, but who knows if like you even said in our 20s we're still kind of discovering who we are so that intuition sometimes we don't end up listening to it.
00:09:41
Speaker
Regarding your upbringing and coming to the States and feeling lost, and then you mentioned very vulnerably about your bulimia, which thank you, because I know a lot of parents that are struggling with those kind of situations with their children, and so thank you for sharing that. Let's talk about the pressures of growing up and a little bit about that.
00:10:06
Speaker
Whether regarding your modeling career with that have anything to do with how you felt about yourself then and what is. What is the ways of how you kind of broke out of that.
00:10:22
Speaker
when you came to the States, was it part of that, of the upbringing being so, let me put it, and I believe you touch on this on the book, but the expectations of what's expected of a woman, what's expected of a young woman, what are they expected to look, what are they expected to do? Were those expectations what kind of made you feel the way you did? Yeah, well, I think that it's very important to mention that I grew up with a single mom.
00:10:51
Speaker
She, my father left when I was 13 years old and I think I felt abandoned. I felt abandoned by my father because all of a sudden once he was an amazing dad and I used to play with him and he would come home that was like my biggest joy you know after he came home from work and
00:11:15
Speaker
just hang out with my dad was the best. And one day he just left. And I knew that it was probably going to come down to that at some point, but I didn't know that it was going to happen so suddenly and without notice. And he just left and he had someone else.
00:11:33
Speaker
and my mom went absolutely nuts. She lost it. So living with a mom, and I love her to death, you know, and of course we have healed and we have a great relationship now, but growing up with her
00:11:50
Speaker
being in a state of confusion, in grief, constant grief, anger, and feeling abandoned also by my dad was pretty heavy.
Family Dynamics and Overcoming Bulimia
00:12:03
Speaker
And she had huge expectations on me because I was the older daughter. So I was pretty much like the one that had to keep it all together.
00:12:12
Speaker
She was lost. She didn't know what to do. All of a sudden, her husband leaves. She has no money. He became really irresponsible. And we had nothing at that point. She had to find a job, not only one job, but two jobs. She worked one job in the morning, another job in the afternoon. And he was just living his life. He moved to the Capitol. He met this woman and they got married.
00:12:38
Speaker
And so I was like, what is going on here? All of a sudden, my dad leaves, and I'm with this woman that has become a monster. Literally, she became literally a monster. And I felt really abused by her, constantly abused by her.
00:12:56
Speaker
telling me that I was not pretty, that I was the reason why my dad left. And these are things that I can talk about today, 47 years old. Because that relationship is already built. Yeah. And it's not to put my mom down in any way, but these were all experiences that were the catalyst for me to begin to
00:13:18
Speaker
the deeper into myself to realize that you know everybody's doing the best they can so she was doing the best she knew what to do with the tools that she had at the time and she didn't know how to be a mom she didn't even know how to you know
00:13:33
Speaker
how to work. She didn't have the tools to do any of that because one day she's married to this man that is maintaining her. And you know that in her culture, it's a very patriarchal culture. So he never really encouraged her to be empowered and to find a job and to do something that made her happy. So she was just living off of whatever she was making. And then one day he leaves and her whole world turns around.
00:14:03
Speaker
It breaks down. Two young daughters, 13, and your sister was how old at that time? My sister was seven years younger than me, so she was a baby. I was the older daughter, and I had to keep it all together. At a very young age, I realized that I had this inner strength that
00:14:22
Speaker
I didn't even understand my power, but I knew that I had it. I knew that I was wise, that I would see things. I was very observant, and I knew that my mom was lost. Early on, I just knew, wow, she's lost it, and I need to survive now. So I was on survival mode every day with her.
00:14:45
Speaker
And that's how the bulimia started to happen. And it was because this constant criticism, you know, my mom telling me every day that I didn't look good, that I had to lose weight. And I was so skinny already that I didn't have this or that. And so wanting to be accepted and
00:15:06
Speaker
love by my mom became my goal, so to speak. That became my goal. And I was every day doing all the things that she wanted me to do, looking and the ways that she wanted me to look in order to feel loved, to feel accepted by her. And so one of the things that pressure
00:15:31
Speaker
went towards, you know, like this eating disorder, like gravitating towards the eating disorder because that was like my hiding place. Yeah. And from there, you know, I think that.
00:15:44
Speaker
I was on and off the limbic. First I became anorexic and the anorexia was gotten into the hospital because I was dehydrated and she didn't know what was happening with me. She didn't know that I wasn't eating.
00:16:02
Speaker
She thought that I was just depressed, that something was really wrong with me. And so she put me with a psychotherapist to work with a psychotherapist. And then the psychotherapist, he told my mom that I had to go to the hospital to get some fluids because I was going to die.
00:16:17
Speaker
You were how old at this point? I was probably 11. No, my dad had just left, so I was probably like almost 13. I was almost 13. But I think going back to the grief, I think it was just this grief that I felt, that I was just grieving immensely and people didn't understand that that was what's happening to me.
00:16:41
Speaker
so instead of like really that i didn't really have that support and i think back then you know i mean in that culture it was talking about these things was just
00:16:53
Speaker
I mean, it was not possible. It was not possible. No, you talk about surface stuff. You talk about over the, you know, surface stuff. You know, something came up right now as you're saying this of the of the grief. Also, you mentioned you didn't you felt that your dad had left as if you had been abandoned. So maybe like not being deserving of love and wondering if that even that connection with the grief of the food in that moment.
00:17:22
Speaker
You know what I mean? I think that my deepest connection to myself came through the food, like eating food and then throwing up. That was my hiding place. And I felt like those were the moments in which I felt the most connected to myself because I could really grieve through that. I could really feel my anger, feel my sadness, feel my desperation.
00:17:49
Speaker
And I would just hide in the bathroom, do all of that, then cry, sob, and go back into the world. Nothing had happened. Like a release. It was a release. It was a release. It was a physical release for what you were feeling. Exactly. I just felt this incredible sadness inside of me that nobody could understand. I just wanted to scream and say, I miss my dad. Bring him back. I need him.
00:18:19
Speaker
And because I couldn't do that because my mom would judge me. She didn't want me to feel any sadness about him because she was angry. So if I said I miss my dad, she would get mad because she would bad mouth him. He's a horrible man. He left me for another woman.
00:18:39
Speaker
He is not worthy of having you guys in his life. So I was here, you know, a child trying to understand A, why he left me and B, why I can't even, I'm not even allowed to say that I miss him, you know? So I turned to bulimia because that was my place to feel my pain. That was the only place where I was really allowed to feel all my feelings.
Motherhood and Empowerment
00:19:08
Speaker
And I lived with that for so long, for so long. You know, it was about until I had my daughter, until I was pregnant with my daughter, feeling this sadness that I was not able to process with anyone.
00:19:23
Speaker
until I started my inner work working with other coaches and people here in the United States. In the States. Now, you dedicate this book to your daughter and now I see in the book, I know the why, but even as you're talking here, it's even more clear, like you mentioned, she saved your life. So her being pregnant with her saved your life.
00:19:50
Speaker
Do you feel that way? Yes, because, and I want people to understand this when I say, I think I start my book with a little quote that says, Camila, you are the life that gave me life again. And that is true, because you having done this work also understand that when we don't heal our patterns, we repeat them.
00:20:19
Speaker
And so when I got married, it fell to me like I was, it was, everything was so familiar. My ex-husband felt so familiar. You know, he was also very emotionally abusive, not physically, but emotionally. And he was, he reminded me a lot of the way that I grew up with my parents, you know, a little bit of my mom, a little bit of my dad in, in that sense.
00:20:45
Speaker
and in the abusive sense.
00:20:52
Speaker
I was miserable. I didn't feel happy in that marriage. But I chose him because he was familiar to me, because he felt, he hit home, you know, he felt like home. And when I got pregnant of Camila, she was very desired. She was wanted by both of us. She was very loved. We wanted a child. That was clear. But in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was still struggling with my disease.
00:21:23
Speaker
And I had my little belly and I kept benching and throwing up. And I thought that getting pregnant was going to take that away. You know, I thought if I have a child, that's going to heal me. You know, little did I know it was not going to be like that. It was not just going to happen like that. I was going to have to make a decision and that decision
00:21:51
Speaker
was going to be about saving my child. But saving her was going to save me. So when I, that day, and I think is one of the chapters of the book, I had that experience that I was going through one of my
00:22:11
Speaker
You know, episodes, episodes, episodes. And I, I was in the bathroom and it was really heavy. I was with my head on the toilet and I was throwing up for about, I don't know, half an hour. And then something really hit me and I stood up and I just felt this.
00:22:35
Speaker
inner light and I just started to get very tingly and I got up and I looked in the mirror and my face was red because I was doing this and I stood up and I looked at myself and I just felt this voice.
00:22:57
Speaker
inside me that said how much longer how much younger do it for her and I started sobbing Kendra I just I just got on the floor on my knees in agony and I asked God I said help me help me I can't I can't do this alone I need to do this for my child I want her to be healthy and in order for her to be healthy I need to be healthy
00:23:27
Speaker
And in that moment, I just knew, you know, I just had that inner knowing that it was going to stop right then and there. That clarity that now with that, did you get, did you get then support then from groups at that moment? How were you able to achieve that? Or was it as mine? Was it a complete just decision decision and this a decision and then this extra support from a spiritual support? I have been going to groups.
00:23:53
Speaker
I had already been going to groups and I felt really lost in those groups. Something was missing. I wasn't ready to make a decision. That's what was missing. I wasn't ready to really decide with my body and soul. In that moment, I knew that I was making a decision and that decision was going to be
00:24:17
Speaker
the catalyst for me to get to the other side. And it happened. I stood up. I washed my face. I washed the toilet like I always did. But something was different when I came out of the bathroom. I had already made a decision. And I was clear. And I was going to save my child. And I was going to save me. And I was going to become the woman that I really, really am. And in that moment, my life changed.
00:24:46
Speaker
So my girl is such a blessing. She's a blessing in my life. Huge blessing. I knew I had to start my book with that because that book I wrote it because of her. I think that becoming an empowered woman has been for me walking that path
00:25:16
Speaker
has been an example for her. I couldn't teach my daughter to be an empowered woman if I'm not being that myself. And that's, yeah. So that's, anyway, that's part of it.
00:25:31
Speaker
That is one of the many, oh my gosh, thank you for going deep into that part because I know that so many will relate to this aspect. So many other listeners and thank you for sharing that. Of how many decisions people make, whether in your case it had to do with the eating disorder, but in other people it could be for other aspects of life of making those choices. Maybe in that moment they're not in a,
00:25:56
Speaker
in a right place or with the right person in their life and they make a decision to change for their children or they're in other type of of addictions or things like that that they may have it to make a decision you know so a lot of different. Moments in this junction as you're becoming a parent that you have this choice of what it is you're going to.
00:26:17
Speaker
do in order to be that example. And what you said right now is so powerful. It's like, how am I going to teach my child to be empowered if I'm not empowered myself?
Navigating Relationships and Self-Discovery
00:26:28
Speaker
So that is just so, so, so, so powerful. Let's go on to the aspects now of relationships.
00:26:38
Speaker
than the divorce and then from there on with relationships because you are an expert at this and helping people really be able to find themselves in order to be able to attract as well their loved one at the right time because they have to be the right person to be attracting the right person.
00:27:00
Speaker
Go into that and as well, and in that, if you want to weave in how you discovered spiritual psychology and all of the work that you do there, however you want to navigate this next chapter of this conversation. Well, I think that the hardest things for me in my adult life was relationships, romantic relationships with men. I wanted it so badly.
00:27:28
Speaker
And every single one of them would become highly dysfunctional at some point. You know, and I, it was like that dysfunction that I was so used to that at some point, like everything will start so beautiful and they wanted to be with me and they wanted to commit to this relationship. But then at some point there was this threat, you know, like this pattern.
00:27:58
Speaker
I would lose myself in the relationship. And I began to reflect about that right after my divorce because I got into another relationship and it started to look like my marriage at some point. And then that relationship ended and I got into another one very quickly. I wasn't single for very long. I wanted to be with someone.
00:28:28
Speaker
very afraid of being alone. I was very afraid of myself, of my relationship with myself. I didn't know what that looked like. And I think that I did have that inner wisdom and inner strength, but it was very, very deep inside me. I didn't even know how to get to it. I knew that I was powerful. Interestingly enough, I didn't know that I was a pretty powerful woman.
00:28:53
Speaker
but I didn't know how to touch to that yet. And so I think that I was hiding behind my relationships with powerful men. I was attracted to very powerful men, but I didn't know how to be a powerful woman next to them. So I would begin to lose myself in those relationships. And then I think the one
00:29:17
Speaker
relationship with this man that I think you know, the second one right after my divorce. The one you mentioned in the chapter for grief? Yes, that's the one. This is the one that you mentioned. I was with this man for four years and he was incredible in so many ways. I just get it now, looking back how I really needed to be with this man for so many reasons.
00:29:44
Speaker
He needed to slap me awake. And I think that's what happened after the first two years of that relationship. It things became so intolerable.
00:29:56
Speaker
so unbearable to me because I lost myself so deep into it that my school, the school that I went to for spiritual psychology came into the third year of that relationship. And I started to seek more into that because things were so similar to the way that I grew up with my parents and to the way that things were in my marriage with him.
00:30:24
Speaker
And that's when I began to reflect deeper. What is it about me that I continue to do that I attract these patterns and this type of behaviors? And again, in this relationship. So I became very curious about it. And I think that when we're ready, when we're ready to heal, teachers appear and opportunities show up.
00:30:53
Speaker
So I met this woman in my martial arts class. I was in a martial arts class and I met this woman and she was really, I think, what would be the word? I think she was very
00:31:14
Speaker
Instrumental. Instrumental. Instrumental for me. Yes, thank you. She was instrumental. I was seeing you. I'm like, okay, could it be this word? I really wanted to tap into that because that is exactly the word. She was instrumental for me on this transformation.
00:31:34
Speaker
And I think that she was the one that led me to the school. And there was, I talked to her one day and she said, look, I think there was an information evening tonight. Why don't you go check it out? And I was so ready at that point. I was still in the relationship, but I was struggling. I was struggling. And I knew that if I didn't do something that I was probably going to settle for less than I wanted because I didn't want to be alone. And my kids were so little.
00:32:02
Speaker
and i was terrified of being alone and he helped me so much with my kids so i i didn't know how to let go of him but i knew that the that i was if i ended up with him that things were going to be again the same the cycle yeah same cycle
00:32:18
Speaker
So I ended up going to this school that night, that evening, and the minute I walked into, it was again, I felt the same feeling that I felt when I was in the bathroom with my head on the toilet. It was the same. I know it. It was that knowing, that inner knowing. I walked into that classroom and I saw these people and I just felt it again.
00:32:48
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, there is something here. So I sat down and I listened to the introduction. And by the time that I was, it was two hours, a two hour introduction. And at the end of it, I went towards the back of the room and I signed up.
00:33:02
Speaker
I paid for it. I paid for the fall for the two years and people were paying monthly. I didn't pay monthly. I paid for two years. You were committed. You were committed. I knew that if I paid for the whole program, I was going to do it. So I made a decision because I had the money in the bank and I thought if I paid monthly, that's not a commitment because I can get out of it whenever I want.
00:33:27
Speaker
So, I am going to do it right now because I'm sending this message. I'm putting this message out into the universe that I'm doing this. No matter what, I'm going to finish this. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much is going to trigger me inside, no matter how much is going to bring out to the surface, but I'm doing this. And so I did it.
00:33:52
Speaker
And I didn't ask for permission to anyone. And when I got home, I had to assume the consequences of this, because the boyfriend that I was with was furious. That brought up a lot for him. It brought up a lot into a relationship. In that moment, you really showed your empowerment. And so somebody seeing that empowered you. It triggered him inside.
00:34:20
Speaker
You know, because he felt very insecure. Oh, well, who is she going to become now? Right. And and I said, I'm doing this. And that's what was going to take time away from from us from being together because I was going to have to study. I was going to have to get together with other students. I was going to have to go to the school in person once a month for the whole weekend.
00:34:43
Speaker
So that brought up a lot, but that became, to me, I think that's been one of the biggest commitments that I've made in my life was going through that progress, through that process for two years. And after I graduated, I was a different woman. I was a different woman. I had already left him.
00:35:08
Speaker
You know, it was probably like into year one of the school that I decided that I became very clear that that relationship wasn't for me. So I ended it and that's how I experienced the most incredible, incredible grief.
Grieving with Love and Learning
00:35:25
Speaker
with love that I've ever, that I could have never imagined to grieve like that was just exquisite. It was so beautiful. I like that word, that word exquisite to listen to that aspect of grieving with love being exquisite. That is such a
00:35:46
Speaker
beautiful way of saying it and at the same time it seems as if it's contradictory, right? Like how would it be exquisite to grieve but at the same time because of the way that you grieved with love and what it uncovered within you and allowed you to express and grow, that's where that exquisiteness comes from. Is that how you feel it? Absolutely because
00:36:14
Speaker
we only grieve because we love we love so much otherwise we wouldn't grieve the more we love the more we grieve and i love that man deeply even though he was dysfunctional but he was for me an incredible teacher if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have gone to that school if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have realized how powerful it really was
00:36:41
Speaker
And even if the relationship became impossible towards the end, he was really the person that helped me to wake up, to wake up to life, to wake up to who I really am. So I think that I mentioned a little bit the way that I grieved
00:37:07
Speaker
and in the book and I think that I made a conscious decision that I was going to leave the relationship and that even if I felt pain
00:37:20
Speaker
throughout that process, I was not going to get back with him. And that was another commitment that I made to myself. That was your other paying in full, the amount. It was like, it was like, it's done like that. Like it's, I'm breaking up this relationship right now. And no matter what I go through during the grief period,
00:37:43
Speaker
I would not get back with this person. This is done. This is complete. This is part of my past. And so I decided that that process, I was going to do it gently. I was going to be loving with myself. And so that became my grief. My grief became falling in love with myself, falling in love with every single feeling that was coming up to the surface.
00:38:12
Speaker
And that's what I did. You know, every time that I was feeling pain, I just loved the pain. I just embraced it. It would come up to the surface. I would look at it and I befriended it. I looked at my pain as my best friend in the moment.
00:38:29
Speaker
And it was every day for six months, Kendra. It would come up. I was in the kitchen. And I mentioned the kitchen because it was such a, it was our special place because he loved to cook. So we would be in the kitchen every day cooking some, he was an amazing cook. So we would be in the kitchen and I was helping out and he was cooking. And then I would wash the dishes while he was doing something else.
00:38:54
Speaker
And I always remember him in the kitchen. So I was in the kitchen cooking for my children and the grief would just come along, you know, and I could just feel it. It was like right around five in the afternoon. I was prepping for dinner.
00:39:11
Speaker
Boom, you know all the feelings will start to come up to the surface and I could just feel them one by one just you know Coming up coming up coming up and I and I will just start talking to them. I will talk to them like, okay There you are. You're coming. I can feel you What do you need me to do for you?
00:39:33
Speaker
And then whatever followed, that's what I would do. Crying, sobbing, hitting a pillow, going for a walk. I just listened. I just listened. And I was just being guided by my own feelings. Do this, do that, write, go for a walk, sob, whatever I needed to do, I did. And so I didn't have to get back into the story.
00:40:03
Speaker
because I was just listening to my feelings and just doing what they needed me to do. Instead of going to the story, oh, but I should have done this, oh, but he did that, oh, but maybe this, but maybe I could have done this better, oh, but he was so good to me and why, you know, no, there was no story. I let go of the story and I just felt deeply.
00:40:26
Speaker
And that just became the most incredible process. And it was this grieving with pleasure. And I know it sounds kind of contradicted, right? To what grief really most people think it is. But I just, I chose to make grief an exquisite experience for me.
00:40:51
Speaker
Wow. The aspect of you connecting to all these emotions, do you feel that that is one of the times in your life in which you maybe at the up to that point had really, really felt the most connected to who you were? Is that why you felt it was so exquisite because you were finally seeing you? Yeah. Yes, I think so. Because through
00:41:19
Speaker
all my feelings and no story, I was able to really feel my heart, to really feel what my heart contained in the inside.
00:41:34
Speaker
my emotions, my joy, my pain, my anger, my disappointment, my regret, my grief. So all of those emotions are part of the, you know, inside of the grief. And through that, I was able to feel who I was, which is my heart. And by just listening to what my heart wanted me to do, was able to heal each one of them, like each one of those wounds,
00:42:06
Speaker
slowly, gradually, giving it the time that it really needed, that it really deserved. And it took me about six months. Every day was a different one. One day, maybe I would be so angry and I had to just go for a power walk in the middle of the afternoon and just tell my kids, I'll be right back. I just need to go for a walk. Or maybe I needed to just lock myself in my bedroom and cry.
00:42:29
Speaker
on my pillow. Or maybe I needed to write it down. Yeah, but but I just thought I was like on command, on command, whatever my heart wanted me to do, I was doing. Do this now I need you to do that. Boom. And I was there.
00:42:47
Speaker
listening and being guided. That was just so beautiful. It was so beautiful. Yeah. That sounds amazing. Now, from that point on, there's something I want to say from the book, if it's okay if I read this part too, of grieving that relationship. It was not that you were just grieving him, but you were also letting go of old patterns that didn't serve you.
00:43:13
Speaker
So that end of a relationship is also the end of this other Adriana Sorji. It was the end of that person. So there could have been an aspect of grief of, I am leaving her behind.
00:43:29
Speaker
And I will no longer succumb to those patterns, and I do have to be okay with this new me, the new me of actually being also okay of being alone. I'm going to choose to be alone for a period of time and not go back into another relationship right away either. So let's talk about that a little too. Yeah. So grieving is not only grieving about people.
00:43:56
Speaker
that we lose, right? It's grieving patterns, it's grieving our old selves, it's grieving all ways of behavior, right? And I think for me, it was all of that. I made a very clear decision that I was never going to settle again.
00:44:14
Speaker
And in order for me to do that, I had to let go of patterns, of patterns that held me back from being the woman that I was committing to being, from being an empowered
Embracing Change and Empowerment
00:44:30
Speaker
woman. I can be an empowered woman and settle at the same time. That doesn't go together, right? So I had to grieve my all self.
00:44:42
Speaker
And that felt really sad. I mean, because I didn't know yet what that was going to look like. So it's like I was saying goodbye to the woman that served me. And I say this because she served me for so long.
00:45:00
Speaker
She kept you safe, quote unquote. She kept me safe. She kept you financially safe. Exactly. She kept you in a way in which you could show up to the world like with this man on your side, secure in many other aspects. I didn't have to be vulnerable. I didn't have to show up. I didn't have to try to do anything. So she kept me safe for a long time. She served me while I wasn't ready to do that.
00:45:29
Speaker
So I had to say goodbye to her. And that hurt, that felt really scary. That felt really scary because I didn't know who I was without her yet. So saying goodbye to my all self was part of my grief. And also a lot of the stuff that happened with my parents was coming up to the service because it was all the things that I never really processed with anyone.
00:45:59
Speaker
the abandonment that I felt when my father walked out, the abuse that I felt, and the lack of acceptance that I felt from my mom, all of that came up to the surface also during that period. And so it was not only about this man, it was about my past,
00:46:19
Speaker
It was about my parents. It was about my old patterns. So I took advantage of that process and I just brought it all up and I said, okay, well, I might as well. I might as well process all of these ones. Let's just unpack it. Let's just unpack it and deal with it. So it doesn't keep on showing up.
00:46:40
Speaker
And it's so hard, right? Because it's like, when you get back from a trip, you really do want just to leave the suitcase packed most of the time, right? It's like, but if you just don't just unpack it all and deal with it and see what it sounds like. And I love that you said that because I remember that when I was in my spiritual psychology class,
00:47:00
Speaker
The teacher used to say that we're walking with this backpack full of rocks, right? And we keep accumulating rocks and the backpack is getting heavier and heavier and heavier until we collapse because it's so heavy that we can't carry it anymore, so we just fall down.
00:47:20
Speaker
And that's what happened with me with this man. The backpack got really heavy and I collapsed. He was that last rock. He was just that last rock right there. He was perfect. He was perfect for me. Everything that I experienced with him got me to that edge where I just had to
00:47:41
Speaker
I couldn't stay on the edge anymore. I was like, okay, I'm either on this side or that side. And the other side of the fence, there was myself. And I had to choose between my patterns and myself and my real self. And I chose me.
00:47:59
Speaker
And I knew that was going to hurt. I knew that was going to feel uncomfortable. I knew that was going to feel excruciating. I knew it. But I was ready. I was ready. And you and I know that not everybody wants to experience this, even if they know it.
00:48:18
Speaker
Even if they know that on the other side of the fence, there might be a much better world. There might be a much better way of living. But there are some requirements in order for you to get there. You got to go through a lot before you get there. And not everybody wants to do it. So I thought, you know what?
00:48:43
Speaker
I'm in it. I'm ready to do it. I don't want to live like this. And I have a girl. I have a son too, right? But I have a daughter, you know, and it's a girl. And I get to walk my path in order to show her what that really means to be an empowered woman that doesn't settle for less than what she wants.
00:49:05
Speaker
But the example you're giving your son as well that empowered women so that if by chance you know like in relationships or so forth like that it for him in the future or whatever their Dynamics will look like he can see what an empowered woman looks like and does not fear that either
00:49:20
Speaker
It's the example that you give your daughter to be empowered in who she is and the example you give your son that empowered women are incredibly amazing because he's seen it in his own mom. It's a huge, huge gift that you are giving them. I could probably talk for a whole other hour asking you questions.
00:49:43
Speaker
Because we could go so much deeper into so many different aspects of this conversation. But you do have to go, because aside from spiritual psychology, you're also an instructor, a fitness instructor, and help women and so forth. So let's talk about this Adriana now and everything that you are doing aside from this amazing book. And again, the name of the book from Adriana Sorji is
00:50:08
Speaker
Your breakdown is your breakthrough. And if what you guys have heard does not give you a glimpse of exactly what that means, I mean, we've already talked about two different types of breakdowns being really those breakthroughs of uncovering. So let's talk about the now and how it is you're helping and empowering other women as well, of course, your children as well, but empowering others.
00:50:33
Speaker
and how they can find your book and all these kinds of things. So let's go there. So ever since I began my coaching practice, which was right after I graduated from the University of Santa Monica,
00:50:48
Speaker
on spiritual psychology, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to, my purpose in this lifetime was to empower women, to empower women to really become who they are and to own everything about themselves.
00:51:07
Speaker
everything without apology. And I began my coaching practice and it's been a journey that I adore. I absolutely love what I do. Not only, and yes, you just mentioned that I'm a fitness trainer because I think that goes together, right? Like when we feel amazing in the inside, then it reflects out in the outside.
00:51:33
Speaker
Yeah, and we want to take care of ourselves, we want to look better for us, right? Just because that makes us feel good and empowered.
00:51:42
Speaker
The Adriana that I am now is completely different from who I was when I first began my inner journey and that I kind of lost my train of thought. No, you were talking about what you're doing now. So empowering women. Yeah. You're fine. You're fine. You're still in the thought. Let's see. So that's what I'm doing. I think that the area that I love the most is the area of relationship.
00:52:10
Speaker
I love empowering women in the area of relationship and finding love.
00:52:15
Speaker
finding love and becoming aware of what it is that is holding them back from being available to having that, that wonderful relationship that they want and how to own it, how to really own it. Because I think that most of today, in today's society, you know, a lot of women, they want to be really empowered. And they think that being empowered means, well, I don't need a man. I don't need a man. I don't need to have a relationship.
00:52:44
Speaker
do all these things and realizing that they can really do all these things, right? But that is really holding them back from
00:52:53
Speaker
being available to love because yeah they don't need it we don't need a man but we want it and it's okay to want it we want to have a relationship but yeah some of them may not want it that is legit they might not want it but there is a lot of women that do want it but they are afraid to say it so like just being okay with just owning that owning the fact that i want a relationship
00:53:15
Speaker
I desire that. I want to feel taken care of. And when I mean taking care of, doesn't mean that taking care of, you know, financially speaking. And that could be, if you're listening to, you know, a lot of, you know, women may want that. And that's okay. It's okay to own that too. Right? To own it from a place of a love. I desire that. I'm worthy of that. I want that. There is nothing wrong with that.
00:53:43
Speaker
from a place of abundance rather than a place of lack. So the moment you realize how abundant and how worthy you are, then the owning that you may want more XYZ or this person being with you because of XYZ, whether that be financial this or that, if it's not coming from a place of lack, but a place of worth and how much abundance you are, then it's different energy, right? Absolutely.
00:54:12
Speaker
Absolutely, it's a complete different energy because you know, you have to realize that we come from an abundant universe, right? So if we come from an abundant universe, that means that we are abundant, we are allowed to have whatever we want. But it is our shame, it is our judgments, it is our limiting beliefs that hold us back from
00:54:36
Speaker
having access to everything that we want. Because we make it mean something about ourselves, something wrong.
Purpose and Coaching Philosophy
00:54:44
Speaker
Or if I dare to say that I want this, what are people gonna think? Or how am I going to be perceived? Or, right? So it's like letting go of that. Because when we- Have the story, let go of the story once again. When we come from a place of, I am worthy of this. If other people can have it, why can I not?
00:55:06
Speaker
So to me, that has become my journey, my commitment, my purpose, to put this message out there. You are allowed to have anything you want, anything you want. You are allowed to write a book.
00:55:22
Speaker
You are allowed to publish a book. You don't have to be a celebrity. You don't have to be a famous person in order to publish a book. You see, because I didn't publish this book to become a millionaire. I mean, if that happens, that would be a bonus, right? But for me, it was because I felt connected to it because I felt like I can't.
00:55:43
Speaker
I can, and I want to, and that feels aligned, and I'm gonna do it, and the people that resonate with that message will follow me and will benefit from it. And the people that don't, then they don't, and that's totally okay. I'm okay with that. You see, but I felt that inner purpose. I need to write that book. For me, first, for me. And if you resonate with that and it serves you, fantastic.
00:56:12
Speaker
So that has become my life. And I'm walking that path right now. What I want to do, I do it. I'm not afraid anymore. I don't ask permission anymore. And I tell my story freely. I am not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed to say that I was bulimic, that I was, you know, that I had my head in the toilet for 15 plus years, like abusing myself because that's what I learned.
00:56:40
Speaker
right? And I'm not embarrassed because that to me was really the catalyst to become the woman that I am today. So I think that's that's my message. That is the message that I want to put out there. Your past
00:56:57
Speaker
has nothing to do with the woman that you are today or the woman that you want to become. Your past is part of your journey and your past is your teacher. So to me everything that happened to me didn't happen because God was against me or because my parents didn't love me. That happens just because
00:57:19
Speaker
It was my karma. I needed to go through that in order to realize my value, in order to realize how powerful I am and how much I can do.
00:57:30
Speaker
I used to feel a victim of my past for years. And where did that get me? Nowhere. I continue to stay a victim. And I knew that if I kept looking at my parents as my biggest, what would be a word, abusers, and I was not going to get out of that dynamic. I was going to continue to manifest people like that that wanted to hurt me.
00:57:57
Speaker
right? I healed with love by seeing them as human beings that were doing the best they knew how to do and they really loved me the best they knew how to love me.
00:58:10
Speaker
Oh, it's so empowering to hear these words and what you're sharing about owning your story and not being, not feeling shame around your story actually like reminds me of really how there's so much strength and vulnerability, right? There's so much strength in that and we live in society that sometimes does not see vulnerability as
00:58:34
Speaker
strong as being strong in they see it as a weakness and And it's not that case when we're vulnerable and we're true to that and we own it There's so much more strength than when we hide it because we become relatable
00:58:50
Speaker
We become relatable to the people that have gone through things that we've gone through. If I show up and putting myself in a platform above all the people that I'm trying to coach or teach, they're not going to relate to me. They're going to see me as this perfect coach. She's got it all together, and they're not going to share with me to open up
00:59:16
Speaker
with me because they're going to think that I'm going to judge them or that I have it all together. They're going to feel ashamed. I wish she understand what I'm going through. The moment that I open up to my clients, that I share with them what I've gone through and why I do what I do now.
00:59:39
Speaker
based on what I lived in the past, they open up with me. In that second they're like, oh, okay. Then all of a sudden they feel safe with me. They open up and they share what they are really struggling with. And that to me is the gift.
00:59:56
Speaker
That is the gift right there. Yeah, you give permission to others to feel that
Closing Remarks and Listener Engagement
01:00:01
Speaker
way. And you also show what's possible as well in that story. Exactly. You show what's possible. Adriana, it's been amazing chatting with you. So many times I teared up in this conversation. And I know that the listeners will get so much out of this conversation as well as from your book. So let's tell them how to find you.
01:00:26
Speaker
We'll put the links on the bottom, but if you want to share your website and also how they can get their hands on the book, as well as you share so much also on your Instagram. Either they could coach with you directly as well and you do one-on-one coaching. Please share that with our audience before we wrap up. Yeah. The book is available on Amazon right now.
01:00:48
Speaker
it's called your breakdown is your breakthrough and and you can find me I have a website is AdrianaSorgic.com
01:00:57
Speaker
You can find me there. There's a lot of nuggets also on my website. I write a lot of articles. You can take advantage of reading those. Also, I do a lot of posting also on Instagram. I post about my fitness a lot, and I post about my coaching. And yeah, so those are, and you can also email me at adrianasorgiagmail.com.
01:01:27
Speaker
Yes. It's perfect. Perfect. Thank you so much, Adriana. Oh, thank you. And it was just a pleasure. And I look forward to having you on. Again, at another point, we could probably dive deeper into another subject of grief or just other aspects that people kind of struggle with in their lives. So thank you once again, my friend. Thank you so much, Kendra. So much. Much love to you. See.
01:01:56
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:02:25
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.