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206. Navigating Pet Loss Grief: Honoring Our Beloved Animals with Beth Bigler
62 Plays10 days ago
Beth Bigler is a Pet Loss Grief Counselor, end-of-life animal companion doula, and pet chaplain. She works with individuals and families before, during, and after the loss of their beloved animal companion. She’s also known for her Instagram account @honoringouranimals where she shares daily original content and tips about pet loss grief which are a unique blend of tools, compassion, and “telling it like it is.” She works closely with animal care workers, veterinary professionals, and other pet industry brands on grief training and awareness. She is a regular contributor to podcasts, articles, and other media. Her debut book, Honoring Our Animals: 365 Meditations for Healing After Pet Loss is published by Quarto Books. Beth is also a seasoned film/television professional, college instructor, and mom to a five-year-old son and two divine felines!
The best way to learn about Beth is through her Instagram @honoringouranimals or website: www.honoringouranimals.com
Other podcast episode with Beth
Recommended Pet Loss Books For Kids 6 and Under
Find Momo Everywhere by Andrew Knapp
Remembering by Xelena Gonzalez
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
The Invisible Leash by Patrice Karst
Remembering Blue Fish (Daniel Tiger) by Becky Friedman
Show Highlights:
•Beth Bigler, a certified pet loss grief counselor, explains why pet loss is often a "disenfranchised grief," lacking societal acknowledgment despite being as intense, or even more profound, than human loss due to disrupted routines and deep emotional bonds.
•Gain insight into compassionate euthanasia, understanding it as a medical decision to ensure a "good death" for beloved pets, emphasizing dignity and avoiding suffering.
•Discover practical tools and strategies for coping with grief, including managing guilt and "what ifs," and developing self-compassion, noting how these skills are foundational life tools applicable to all major life events..
•Learn valuable tips for parents on supporting children through pet loss, advocating for honest, age-appropriate language, recognizing that children grieve in spurts, and involving them in memorializing rituals.
•Explore Beth's new book, "Honoring Our Animals: 365 Meditations for Healing After Loss," a practical resource offering daily guidance on coping, identity, and maintaining connection with beloved pets.
•Understand the power of maintaining daily rituals with your beloved, like greeting their photo, to comfort your brain and foster a sense of continuity after physical absence.
•Reflect on "anticipatory grief" and the concept that "your goodbye begins on day one," encouraging gratitude for every moment spent with your beloved animal.
Connect with Kendra Rinaldi at https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Using Honest Language with Children About Pet Loss
00:00:01
Speaker
So couple tidbits for kids and pet loss. Number one, be honest. All right. When you talk about what's going on, whether it's before or after, and And children need direct and age appropriate and compassionate language.
00:00:14
Speaker
And I'm big on the language we use and the terms we use. and And that's a huge part of my work and my advocacy with children. Now, for different ages, different things are appropriate, but you really want to be direct. You don't want to say things like put to sleep or put down or passed away or went to a farm.
00:00:30
Speaker
Okay, this misleads kids and it makes makes them feel scared. So, you know, say things like, and again, this just depends on the age modified, but, you know, if they don't really know much about death yet, you can say, you know, when animals get very old or sick, sometimes their body stops working or, um and they die. And you can say the word die. We want to use direct language with kids.
Introduction to 'Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between'
00:00:54
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:17
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys.
00:01:29
Speaker
I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right into today's episode.
Beth Bigler's Book on Pet Loss Meditations
00:01:39
Speaker
I am so happy for this conversation today. i have Beth Bigler. She is a pet loss grief counselor, educated, and now newly author. She has been on the podcast before.
00:01:52
Speaker
I'll share that link below as well when you guys hear this so that you can hear our first episode. But I'm so excited to talk about your new book, Honoring Our Animals, which is the same name as your Instagram account.
00:02:05
Speaker
And this is 365 Meditations for Healing After Loss. So welcome, Beth. Thanks, Kendra. It's great to be here. And thank you for normalizing and validating pet loss grief.
00:02:18
Speaker
Yes, because it is something that so many people go through and do not feel
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief in Pet Loss
00:02:24
Speaker
validated. And, you know, it's interesting because it is probably the most common podcast episodes I send to people are the ones ah that I've interviewed people regarding pet loss. so It's the ones that, like, people are like, I don't know, you know, what to do or and or anything like that. Like, my friend's dog died. And I'm like, here, send them this or you listen to this. So, you know, things like that. So it is...
00:02:47
Speaker
It is a very misunderstood type of grief for sure. It's totally. And I think you know this, but some of your listeners may not know. We consider pet loss a disenfranchised grief, right? So that means it's a grief that is not widely acknowledged or validated or supported by our dominant culture.
00:03:03
Speaker
And so you know grieving guardians don't get rituals, they don't get meal trains, they don't get bereavement time off work, they don't get community witnessing. And what's really tricky about that is that then many grievers, they're feeling this massive upheaval for many people, it feels even more profound or difficult in certain ways than human loss.
00:03:22
Speaker
And when that happens, and then the whole kind of culture and society is still saying, oh, it's just a dog or only a rabbit, then people start to feel shameful about how intensely they're grieving. And so not only are people being ah invalidated externally, they are now being invalidated within themselves. So it's a really tricky topic.
Navigating Guilt in Pet Loss Grief
00:03:40
Speaker
It is. And you know what I've realized too, i when I've talked to people that are grieving, when they actually experience the amount of grief that they do with the loss of their beloved, I'll use the word that you use in your book, of their beloved,
00:03:56
Speaker
they actually also feel guilty themselves because they're like, how am I grieving this much, like more for this than the death of my mom or the death of my spouse? or And so they are already feeling very confused about their own emotions about that grief.
00:04:15
Speaker
How do you address that with your clients when they have this type of mixture of emotions within
Validating Pet Loss Grief
00:04:21
Speaker
themselves? so Well, the first thing on this is to really validate this, right? like we and And as a culture and as a society, we can all do better.
00:04:29
Speaker
we've We've got to recognize that this kind of grief is often just as intense, if not more intense, than human loss. And there's a ton of research that explains why. But but the headline is is that, you know first of all, from a brain perspective, we are very used to having our beloveds in our everyday routines from morning until night. And we have all kinds of routines with them. We know what to expect.
00:04:49
Speaker
We have tons of physical proximity, physical intimacy. I mean, many people... you know, touch their dog or their cat more frequently than even they touch a partner, you know. Mine just went into the bathroom with me, for example, because they're scared of the storm. Like nobody goes into the toilet with me.
00:05:04
Speaker
If I had a nickel for every time I've talked about bathrooms in grief counseling sessions, I have so much bathroom chit chat. It is so real. it's It's absolutely a sacred place for us with our beloveds.
00:05:15
Speaker
Which is why like a lot of my clients, we work on rituals to do in the bathroom when we're having a sad moment, right? So yeah, so there's all kinds of reasons and on the on the very practical kind of brain and routine side.
00:05:26
Speaker
And on top of that, the emotional connection, the emotional attunement, you know, our beloveds, they love us exactly as we are, no matter how messy or imperfect or hot mess we are, we are perfect to them.
00:05:38
Speaker
And there are very few human relationships where we feel like we're not having, you know, certain expectations that we have to uphold. or where we feel like we have to perform in some way. And so the combination of that like very physical and intimate and proximate relationship combined with the emotional attunement is really distressing.
00:05:55
Speaker
So the very first step with that is to validate and explain to guardians like, hey, this is why it's research-backed. I have you know lots of anecdotal evidence about why this is so hard.
00:06:07
Speaker
and And why we got to validate it first is because when we get invalidated, like I mentioned earlier, then guardians will start to suppress their emotions. They'll isolate themselves, you know, and that shame makes them be like, oh, I can't share this.
00:06:19
Speaker
And that makes the grief way
Disenfranchised Grief Beyond Pet Loss
00:06:21
Speaker
worse. So first step is to to validate it And then, of course, we start working on tools and strategies and ways to to cope. Thank you, Beth. Those are amazing tips and reminders for us, you know, and, and it's in disenfranchised grief can happen in other types of griefs as well that people go through.
00:06:39
Speaker
But in this particular conversation, we're talking about pet, a beloved loss, pet loss, but will say pet loss. So when, well, we, we, you if you want to share a little bit about your own story and then we'll go into the book. So tell us about Arnie, who is your beloved, your soulmate per se. So let's talk about Arnie and go from there.
Beth's Journey to Grief Counseling
00:07:00
Speaker
Completely. Well, this all, you know, not many people wake up in the morning as a little girl and they're like, i want to be a pet loss grief counselor, you know, for my, for my mission in life. It's an unusual thing. ah to to do.
00:07:12
Speaker
But yes, my soulmate Arnie, ah greatest relationship of my life. He is everything. He is an anchor. He is a motivator. He's a cheerleader. He's a Buddha. He's just, he's fabulous.
00:07:24
Speaker
And when he was only 11 years old, um he got a very bad prognosis on a rare kind of cancer. And my whole world just stopped. I unraveled. I could not believe this. I couldn't imagine living in a world without him.
00:07:39
Speaker
He had been there for me for a lot of highs, a lot of lows, you know, in my 20s, ups and downs and relationships in different cities. and And it just, it it stopped me in my tracks to imagine that I was wouldn't have him around for another 10 years.
00:07:54
Speaker
And so I so um looked for some anticipatory pet loss grief counseling, and I was very fortunate to find it in in my pet loss grief counselor, Marion Silverman. She's amazing.
00:08:05
Speaker
And When I started doing that work with her, I found it to be so empowering and so supportive. And I learned so much about my relationship with Arnie and who he is to me and and what that was all about.
00:08:17
Speaker
And at the same time, we were doing kind of like a ah experimental chemo with him to see if it would work. And sure enough, we actually got like a miracle remission. And it was amazing and totally celebratory.
00:08:29
Speaker
After his... ah remission, I had the opportunity to help a woman in ah in a waiting room one time who was experiencing a very unexpected event with her cat. And, uh, I knew that it was a cat, by the way, we have not, we is a cat.
00:08:43
Speaker
Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. So Arnie's a cat. Yeah. Arnie's a cat. And, um, I was, uh, helping this woman and I knew, um, when that was happening, like, oh gosh, like, I really think I could do this work for people someday. Like I really,
00:08:58
Speaker
I really want to help people through this. But at the time I worked in entertainment, I had a big career working in Hollywood in film and television. And so I just like, Oh, maybe when I retire, it was kind of my thought, like, you know, someday. And unfortunately ah a year after Arnie's original diagnosis. So we, we went and we got a a checkup. He was great, clean blood work, clean ultrasounds, everything great.
00:09:20
Speaker
And just a couple of weeks later he had one symptom and I rushed him into the vet and a different cancer. had ah come in and sort of overtaken his body and we didn't see it. We had no warning.
00:09:30
Speaker
And unfortunately, there was nothing we could really do to support him except to compassionately euthanize him. And that was absolutely shocking. It was not the same cancer. It was really painful. And of course, at the time, I didn't know anybody who had had something happen that fast. Now now I've worked with a lot of people who have a similar story.
00:09:46
Speaker
And when that happened, I just sort of knew immediately, hey, Arnie and i ah we have some work to do. We're going to go on a mission here and we're going to help all the people who are struggling with this, who don't have someone to go to, who need more support.
00:10:00
Speaker
And so um ah ah shortly after his transition, I started doing my training and and all the things I needed to do to get ready to open my practice. And started my practice and here
The Compassionate Choice of Euthanasia
00:10:11
Speaker
we are. And Arnie and I are on this mission to empower ah grieving guardians and to support individuals and and people that I work with in my private practice and of course on my Instagram. And so we have a huge, wonderful community of grievers and we've been able to help many, many, many people, thousands of people.
00:10:29
Speaker
Such an inspiring story. And I have a few questions about that, but I want to first talk about euthanizing. A lot of people, when they have to make that choice of that, compassion you say you use the word compassionate, youth you know, you there is an element of compassion.
00:10:46
Speaker
What would you say to someone that's in that midst of having to make that decision because of the health of their beloved? And what what are some, yeah, some either, well, we have some affirmations and stuff here too, like in meditations, but what are some things that you could say to someone if they're in that,
00:11:07
Speaker
crossroad of having to make that choice. It's a really tough crossroads
Strategies for Euthanasia Decisions
00:11:12
Speaker
to be in. It's, I think, in some ways, one of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief um because unlike with humans, we really don't make life and death euthanasia type choices for humans. So first of all, it's a new thing we're encountering for most of us, right?
00:11:26
Speaker
And that is hard. And so many people feel the weight of the intensity of that choice. And the that you know I work with people in anticipatory ah grief counseling all the time in this. And of course, I'm not here to tell anybody what to do or or make any decisions for anyone, but I like to listen and I like to ask a lot of questions and I like to really support the process.
00:11:45
Speaker
The first thing I remind people is, listen, this is a medical decision. This is a decision that you want to make in combination you know with your veterinarian and any specialist and all the people on your team.
00:11:56
Speaker
because they are the ones that can really help you figure out what's best for your beloved from a medical standpoint. So really letting the medical professionals in your beloved's life be a guide to you and support you and share with you about here's where we are here's where we're going, you know here's the things we need to be considering. So that's one important thing. you know it's It's medical and you want to do that.
00:12:21
Speaker
and Another thing I like to tell people, because not everybody knows this, the word euthanasia is a combination of two Greek words, and those root words mean good and death. What we are going for when we go for euthanasia is a good death.
00:12:37
Speaker
And I like to use the word euthanize. A lot of people don't like the word. They're afraid of the word. They think it's a bad word. But I use it openly and freely because when we're talking about it, we're saying we are trying to give a non-chaotic euthanasia.
00:12:48
Speaker
non-suffering death for our beloved. And that's important to me. I want our beloveds to be able to transition with dignity and agency. And I don't want them to be on their very last worst day. And I don't want them to be completely not who they are for guardians. And so I really try to emphasize to people, you know, you get to make this choice. This is an opportunity and it's a tough moment and you don't know if you're going to get it perfect, but that's the other thing, right?
00:13:14
Speaker
I tell everyone I work with, we are not trying to get the perfect moment. I very rarely work with anyone who feels like, yeah, I nailed that decision point, right? Like, it's hard. People who euthanize often feel, oh could we have had more time? Or should we have had less time? you know the and And so releasing the fantasy that you know you're going to get it perfect is really important.
00:13:37
Speaker
And then um I like using quality of life trackers. I like, you know, really ah measuring for your own sake, like, how's my beloved doing? How am I assessing that? You know, and and really keeping an eye and, you know, having a lot of conversations with yourself about like, kind of what are my deal breakers? How far do I want to go?
00:13:54
Speaker
And really think that through and talk that through. And a big important thing I say is talk to your medical professional about
00:14:01
Speaker
What are we looking at here if we wait? Because to me, I want all beloveds to have a non-chaotic, non-catastrophic death. And there are times when if we do not euthanize, we are guaranteed that's going to happen.
00:14:14
Speaker
And when we have a chaotic or a catastrophic event, it is traumatic for our beloveds sometimes and is often very traumatic for us. And I really want guardians to not have that experience. I want guardians to have peaceful transitions for their beloveds because that will help them.
00:14:28
Speaker
And I don't want Guardians' last memories of their beloveds, if we have any choice about it, to be full of this chaos and catastrophe. So I'm a big fan of trying to make that decision as best we can to avoid suffering and chaos and catastrophe.
00:14:46
Speaker
Perfectly said.
Working Through Guilt During Grief
00:14:47
Speaker
And the reality is the what ifs are still going to be there regardless of the choice that we make. It's part of the grief process that a lot of times we still are like, oh, well, what if I would have done this? Or what if it's and it's a normal process? So regardless of whether you choose or not to do that route with your beloved, if their health is deteriorating, you're still going to have the what ifs.
00:15:14
Speaker
Yep. It's very hard to protect ourselves against that. And, you know, there are many unanswered questions, which is one of the toughest things in grief. There many unanswerable questions. And oftentimes we like to replay things, think things through to imagine we could stop the bad thing from happening or that somehow could have gone better.
00:15:31
Speaker
And frankly, it feels safer sometimes for us to do that as opposed to really acknowledge that sometimes really difficult, hard things happen in our lives, like the transition of our soulmate.
00:15:42
Speaker
You know, it's ah it's a very tough thing to to take on board. So oftentimes our brain will go to those what ifs and it's control. The fantasy, like you said. Fantasizing and control seeking. Yeah. And it's like ruminating in those aspects as part of that and anxiety and in our grief as well, that just kind of just stays there in this loop.
00:16:02
Speaker
Totally. And also many people I work with um have really tough, critical voices. a lot of people I work with are hard on themselves and and they're hard on themselves in all parts of life and they want to get things right and they want to do things well and they want to do everything they can.
00:16:15
Speaker
And if we are already a little bit like that, this situation really stirs it up. The number one thing that people come to me before, aside from how to remain like connected to your beloved, is typically guilt.
00:16:26
Speaker
Because it takes a lot of effort to really dial down that guilt and understand where that guilt's coming from and really get honest about, like, did I actually do something wrong? Did I actually cause harm?
00:16:39
Speaker
or do wrong?
Tools for Coping with Emotions
00:16:42
Speaker
guilty Do I feel like I did something wrong? and And what are our facts? What are evidence around that? And so I do a lot of work with people working with all the things that they have, woulda, coulda, shouldas, and what ifs, and why didn't I, and you know could I have. And we really gotta to get into the situation because our hindsight bias,
00:16:58
Speaker
We get very distorted and looking back and and we don't even remember sometimes all the details of what we're going on or why we made certain choices. So it's very powerful um in in the work I do with clients on guilt to ah take a real zoom out of the situation.
00:17:12
Speaker
And that's very tough to do on your own. Absolutely. And Beth, what I like of what you're saying is that coaching with you, something regarding grief when it's the loss or transition of ah of a loved one,
00:17:26
Speaker
is that these instruments, these tools that you're guiding them to can help them in so many other areas of their life. If you're able to coach them through this really tough part in their life in the transition of their beloved, they're able to do so many other things.
00:17:47
Speaker
Do you have any anecdotal aspects of things like that, that you've seen in your clients that how coaching with you also helped them in so many other areas of their life aside from their grief of pet loss?
00:17:58
Speaker
Well, yes. And the longer I've been seeing clients, the more I see the evidence of this because I've now had clients long enough that I, they come back to me and tell me about these experiences because in our work together, I mean, a huge part of grief counseling is obviously providing a safe non-judgmental space to express your emotions and talk about all the different things coming up. And so I give people tools, a lot of tools and very practical, very hands-on.
00:18:22
Speaker
So how do we cope with guilt? How do we cope with anger? How do we cope with unanswered questions? How do we cope with spiritual questioning? How do we cope with jealousy and comparison? What do we do with people who are making boneheaded comments about our grief, right? So there's all kinds of things. and And a huge part of my work is helping people develop a deep self-compassion practice, be kinder to themselves, be more loving to themselves.
00:18:40
Speaker
So all of those skills really are life tools. Those are things we can apply anywhere.
Applying Grief Counseling to Life Challenges
00:18:46
Speaker
And frankly, i like to lean into our gifts, guidance, lessons, and teachings from our beloveds because our beloveds have also taught us so much about life and living and being our best selves. And deep down, each one of us knows what's what our beloveds want for us.
00:19:00
Speaker
We know what their hopes and dreams are for us. They've made it clear. And so a combination of my work, my tools, and our beloveds, we learned so much. And so then I get texts and emails and photographs you years later now.
00:19:14
Speaker
um Clients very often who've gone through a major medical thing, I've had a number of clients who've had huge medical things like cancer and other sort of big medical events, and they say, I leaned on all my tools. Here's the exercises I used when I was scared going in for my scans. Here's the exercises I used when I was waiting for my results, you know.
00:19:31
Speaker
And, um and then of course, other kinds of loss. I've had numerous clients now come back with other major losses, you know, partners and parents and, and they come back and they say, I'm applying everything I learned, you know, with you to this loss. And they even sometimes show me, you know, different altar spaces or rituals they're doing. um So it is, you know, I think of this work as very life affirming work.
Building Resilience Through Grief Counseling
00:19:54
Speaker
And I know now that ah all of these tools and these strategies can support us in everything that happens in our lives ah after this. and And it's foundational in that way. I feel really proud that the clients who come to me and work with me, whether it's one-on-one or as a couple or in small groups,
00:20:12
Speaker
they they now have such a great like baseline for any other grief or any other big life event or transition. have a lot of clients that even like like with a new job you know or a new relationship, they say, wow, I brought a lot of of those tools into this.
00:20:27
Speaker
And that is so powerful. And another reason I'm a big fan of everybody getting a lot more comfortable with grief, understanding grief more, and supporting themselves through grief because it we're never going to stop grieving. We're never going to stop having big changes in our lives.
00:20:43
Speaker
And for some of us, we get a lot of that really early. And other people who come to me, it's their first encounter really with a big loss or big devastation. But regardless, once you have a lot more tools in your toolbox and ways to support yourself, ah it makes an impact in every part of life.
Teaching Children About Grief Through Pet Loss
00:20:59
Speaker
Yes, it does. And I want to talk about grieving, like when you have children and there's a pet loss, how do people, because this is something that is a lot of parents a lot of us as parents might have not done it the the best way the first time that we encountered grief.
00:21:18
Speaker
Or goldfish dying or you know transitioning. And by the way, when we're using these words, i it's because in her in her book, in Beth's book, she uses guardian for the parent, for the dog parent or pet parent, ah beloved for the pet, and transition for death. Am I any other word that I'm...
00:21:40
Speaker
I think that's it, right? Yeah. Well, there's more words on that page. But yeah, those those are the main ones. Absolutely. Yeah. yeah we're using So gi let's talk about as parents, what are some tips when we have pet loss and how we are able to support our children and the ways that we talk about death or transition to our children in that?
00:22:05
Speaker
Totally. And this feels scary for a lot of parents. So if anyone's listening who's a parent or a caregiver or an auntie or an uncle, yeah anyone listening, it's okay to be scared about it, right? The first thing we have to say is, I don't know what to do.
00:22:16
Speaker
And then how can we support it? And any of you who are in that position, first thing I want you to think about if we're talking about pet loss and kids is you have a massive opportunity for here. For...
00:22:27
Speaker
You have a massive opportunity here to plant the seeds of grief, literacy, and emotional fluency for the children in your life. So what I first want you to think about is what am I going to model here?
00:22:40
Speaker
And I encourage you to model that grieving is natural. It's a part of life that love with our beloveds and all our ancestors can continue. And it's okay. And it's safe to express sadness. and that And that when our kids and our young people in our lives express sadness, that we honor it.
00:22:56
Speaker
And we're not trying to shield them from things. where We're validating their experience. So you already, before we get into the specifics, you have such an opportunity to set the foundation, station okay?
00:23:06
Speaker
So couple tidbits for kids and pet
Age-Appropriate Discussions on Euthanasia
00:23:09
Speaker
loss. Number one, be honest, all right? When you talk about what's going on, whether it's before or after, and And children need direct and age-appropriate and compassionate language.
00:23:20
Speaker
And I'm big on the language we use and the terms we use, and and that's a huge part of my work and my advocacy. With children, now, for different ages, different things are appropriate, but you really want to be direct. You don't want to say things like put to sleep or put down or passed away or went to a farm. okay This misleads kids, and it makes makes them feel scared.
00:23:39
Speaker
So you know, say things like, and again, this just depends on the age, modify, but, you know, if they don't really know much about death yet, you can say, you know, when animals get very old or sick, sometimes their body stops working or, um and they die. And you can say the word die. We want to use direct language with kids. And And same thing if you're explaining, you know, euthanasia, be very direct. And you know your kid best, so you know, kind of how to speak to them.
00:24:03
Speaker
But do not do not lie and do not use words that are, you know, if you say, we're going to sleep. Confusing because, yeah, the sleeping one. Yeah, talk about that one because that's, I think, the one that we probably say even for- when people die and then they're like, then they're scared about going to sleep themselves. Absolutely. They become very afraid of sleeping. So please be direct. Please be honest. And, you know, like even explaining euthanasia, you can say, you know, you know, you know, Arnie is very, very sick. And so his body isn't working properly and he may be in pain and so we don't want him to suffer. so
00:24:37
Speaker
A veterinarian can give him a special medicine that's only for animals that can gently help his body stop processing or his heart stop beating, you know, whatever's age appropriate for the kid. And we can say this is a kind and loving thing we can do, you know, to help him die because his body is too sick to keep going and he won't be in any pain, you know.
00:24:54
Speaker
And you can leave it there and see if your kids have questions. And also a big question comes up, should children attend euthanasias? And I am not against that. ah That is your call as a parent or caregiver.
00:25:06
Speaker
I like to say if you're if you're thinking about that, if your children want to attend, you know you can give them the option. I do like to recommend you have someone available to take them if at the last minute they decide they don't want to be there or they become afraid.
00:25:19
Speaker
So make sure you have a backup plan there. And you can also choose to not have them present for the for the actual euthanasia, but maybe they can come afterwards and and see the body if that feels right for you. So really, really honesty and directness. And then in the grieving, um remember that children do not grieve like adults do, okay? And all ages are affected differently, but you know some kids will cry really hard and be really sad and then run off to play the next second.
00:25:46
Speaker
Or some sometimes they act out or
Family Involvement in Pet Memorials
00:25:48
Speaker
sometimes they're very silent about it. Kids tend to grieve in spurts, but they're much faster than hours. And this can be jarring for some parents, but it's absolutely common.
00:25:58
Speaker
And I'm a huge fan of involving the whole family in memorializing and mourning. So whether you're painting rocks and making ah a rock garden for your beloved, or you're making scrapbooks, or you're planting flowers in their signature color, or you're making shadow boxes or photo books or whatever you want to do, um involve your kids in that or invite them to participate if they want to.
00:26:18
Speaker
And I love when families have you know ongoing rituals and connections and and teaching kids that, hey, We're still going to talk about them. We're still going to memorialize them. My cat Zelda transitioned a couple of years ago. She was 19. And I think you can probably see this picture of my son was three and my son made this picture.
00:26:34
Speaker
Yeah. And Zelda was actually in the, when we did the podcast, Zelda was still alive and you had gotten the the new kittens and Zelda was kind of like, ah so when we recorded, she was 18, I think at that moment when we recorded that first. Yes, exactly. So she made it to 19 and my son it was three at the time.
00:26:55
Speaker
And ah very, but, but, you know, talks about her just as much as he did before. He also talks about Arnie and he never even got to meet Arnie because Arnie ah ah transitioned during my pregnancy.
00:27:05
Speaker
So um it's, it's really powerful that the way you model that grieving is, is natural and okay and accepted here. Your kids will pick up on that.
Normalizing Grief Conversations in Families
00:27:16
Speaker
And just keep validating them and talk about memories. ah talk about Talk about the beloveds every time you have a family meal, you know, share, keep their memory and their spirit alive and your children will feel much more comfortable again with all of their future grief and loss.
00:27:33
Speaker
Yes, I completely agree. I think a lot of times we miss that opportunity of being able to have those conversations because we're so afraid. Yet at the same time, it is probably one of the the first major losses or deaths that our children are going to experience is a pet. So to miss out on that opportunity of having that conversation as a parent, it's a disservice to them and to ourselves.
00:27:58
Speaker
Absolutely. And, you know, also normalizing, like, you know, tell their teachers, tell their caregivers, tell other people, talk about it, talk about it openly, let your kids see you talking about it and sharing about it It's really, really important and powerful.
00:28:14
Speaker
There's also a lot of great books now for children that I highly recommend. um that There's some beautiful books, so I can even send you some of those over. Again, just some recommendations if you want to include them because ah we we really want to help our kids have more grief literacy. It's important for their life.
00:28:29
Speaker
I talked to a lot of clients who had really difficult experiences of how their parents handled early pet loss for them, and it's really made a lasting impact. So seize the opportunity to show ah your children that Grieving and mourning is loving and natural and a-okay.
00:28:48
Speaker
Yes, it's so true because I don't think that, like, as even as we're talking about this and even when we started our own Instagram accounts or even doing all this, there was not much conversation about death and grief.
00:29:00
Speaker
And when we were... When we were younger, like, no, it's like very taboo.
Purpose and Use of Beth's New Book
00:29:05
Speaker
Only now are we starting to see it even more in the forefront of TV shows, of, right, of movies.
00:29:13
Speaker
So it's nor it we are, as a society, starting to normalize it more, the conversation at least, right? I, that's my mission. i mean, I'm here, I'm here to get all around the world, everybody feeling a lot more normalized about pet loss grief anyway. And I do think, I think we're more open culture. I mean, in my family, when someone died, you know, we had a funeral, everybody cried for a day. We never talked about it again.
00:29:39
Speaker
And that was it. And we know now and we've got research that say that is not the way to to support grief. So we've we've come far from that generation of thinking and we've got a long way to go.
00:29:51
Speaker
So that's that's why I'm going to keep a pound on the pavement on it. Yeah, we're still learning. Okay, now let's go into how who and why you decided to write and the way in which you chose to have your first book with the meditation. So tell us about the journey of Starting this book and we'll go from there.
00:30:13
Speaker
Sure. Well, ah my amazing publisher, Quarto Books, approached me and they said, we love your work. We love your Instagram. We love everything you write and say. And ah why don't you have a book? ah you You need a book. So I said, OK, let's talk about it.
00:30:28
Speaker
And so so we did. and And something that was very important to me ah is that many grief books, and I've read every single grief book that exists about every grief topic, they are so clunky to read. They feel like textbooks. They have these huge paragraphs and all this information. Now, listen, there's some great books out there.
00:30:48
Speaker
But when you are grieving, when you are hurting, when you are struggling, It is a lot to try to read a textbook kind of grief book. So my first thing was I want to make it very digestible, very ah accessible. I also want it to be beautiful. I want it to be a place where you feel like you can connect with your beloved.
00:31:06
Speaker
And most importantly, I wanted it to feel practical. I wanted grievers to feel like, oh, There's things I can do and try. And so what I came up with was a way to sort of braid the three things that I think are most essential for grievers, which is coping with grief symptoms like brain fog and shock and anger and guilt and questioning and dealing with other people, like all the kind of grief stuff. I wanted to make sure that had a ah big part of the braid. The other part of the braid is I wanted a lot of space for talking about identity
00:31:41
Speaker
and self-discovery because grief really throws everything upside down for everyone. And especially when it's your beloved, so many people have so much identity wrapped up in being the guardian to their beloved. you know When you're a dog mom or bunny mom, that is an identity.
00:31:58
Speaker
And so people feel like, well, am I still that? Who am I? What next for me? So I wanted that to be a big part of the braid. And then, of course, the thing that I'm probably most known for is how do we stay connected? How do we keep our beloved included in our lives as the honored ancestor that they are?
00:32:13
Speaker
So every single one of the meditations and invitations in the book does speak to those themes. And ah the structure of the book is really cool. There's a little meditation and invitation for every single day of the year, which I think also validates that, you know, this grief that we experience with our beloveds does not end after a sympathy card.
00:32:32
Speaker
We have a lot of pain for a long time, for more than a year. But I wanted this book to say, I got your back every single day. Every single day you can wake up and you can,
00:32:43
Speaker
can have something to think about, to reflect about, to feel connected. And that's how I want every griever to feel. I want every griever to feel supported every single day. So that's why that structure was important to me. And then of course, I also made an index. So if you just wake up one day and you're like, man, my anger is on fire today, you can look at all the anger entries and just read eight and anger entries that day too, if you want. So I kept it flexible.
00:33:04
Speaker
But the meditations are short um reflections or discussion points about ah whatever the topic is. And then there's an invitation right after the meditation, which is a concrete action step you can do. Sometimes that's a writing or journaling prompt. Sometimes that's something you go do in the world. Sometimes it's just something for you to think about or a mantra to take with you or a breathing exercise. So I really wanted people to feel like I have something new to try every day on top of just the information I'm receiving.
00:33:34
Speaker
i I love that you have not only, like what you said, going in and reading the one that's in that particular date, or like you said, of how it is that you're feeling.
00:33:45
Speaker
I, a lot of times I like to just open and see like what comes up. Like, those are like my, like kind of ways of when I'm reading something, I need it to be a little message from my, my loved one in that moment. Like, how yeah. and Yeah. What do I need to hear today? Yeah. Like, what what do you want me to hear today, Arnie? And then just open to the page. Absolutely. That's a great way to use
Maintaining Routines Post-Loss
00:34:05
Speaker
this book.
00:34:05
Speaker
Yeah, that's that's one of the ways I like to, you know, open things. So I'm going to start with the um one, I want to read one of them. And it was the one of your daily routine. It's a January 2nd one.
00:34:20
Speaker
Let's talk about the routine because and in the invitation and that one, I'm going to read it. Is that Okay. Absolutely. lee Your daily routine with your beloved is a cherished part of your life and maintaining familiar reach rituals can comfort your mind, especially in early grief.
00:34:36
Speaker
Continue including your beloved in your day-to-day. honoring them as an important ancestor within your family. This practice fosters a sense of continuity and connection as you adjust to your physical to their physical absence.
00:34:53
Speaker
And then the invitation is keep greeting your beloved when you come home and saying farewell when you leave. using familiar phrases. Place a favorite photo and ah by the door and give it a love tap each time you come and go. I loved that because i think that that is one of the main...
00:35:17
Speaker
things that I know for sure when I come in and out, even when my dogs are at um the groomer. Like it feels so empty when I come in the house and I'm like, oh, I don't hear the pitter patter of someone coming.
00:35:30
Speaker
And so being able to have those rituals and continue Because as you said, this bond continues regardless of their physical presence or not.
00:35:41
Speaker
So when I opened and read that one, I'm like, oh, this is so practical and someone can do it and and not feel weird. And so by having the picture, you can already like associate it to that if you don't just want to be calling it out to the air.
00:35:55
Speaker
So tell us how that one came about and how you um how you apply this one with Arnie. Yeah. Well, so, yes. and And all of them, right. I know poor Zelda.
00:36:07
Speaker
Zelda was not my favorite. So, you know, i talk about her differently than I talk about Arnie, but Zelda's a good girl and I i love you Zels. And yeah, she was but she she was a little bit troubled, right? A little bit, a little bit energy. Listen, Zelda had boundaries, right? I love Zelda taught me about boundaries and that was, that was really important.
00:36:25
Speaker
And you know what? I was so grateful Zelda was here after Arnie transitioned. She helped me through and she was a link to him and she knew him. and And our relationship blossomed and developed like it so often does with our surviving animals. And so um Sweet, Sweet Zelda Girl is is great. But let's talk about Arnie. yeah Well, listen, so, you know, the the tricky part about this book is that because I have a short amount of space to do the meditation, not trying to overwhelm. I can't get into all the details of, like, why am I telling you to do this?
00:36:51
Speaker
This is an extremely important concept for your brain, which, i you know, I'm not going to say all that in the meditation. But our neurons are so used to, like, firing, like... you know, eight times an hour for our beloveds. Oh, wake up in the morning. Well, you know, we should go in to do the food and then we should be saying goodbye when we when we leave. And then we've got to come home at lunch to walk. And, you know, our brain is just constantly, you know, firing and our neurons don't realize our beloved has transitioned.
00:37:13
Speaker
So one of the hardest parts in early grief, especially because your brain takes a long time to adjust, is you know when when we leave the house, for example, and if we were always going to say, bye, Arnie, no parties while I'm gone. See you when I'm back, bud.
00:37:26
Speaker
If you said that every time you left for 12 years, the first time you don't say it, you get that gut punch feeling. Just that gut punch. And then you feel down and then you feel sad and and then you remember it all over again and you might start crying.
00:37:39
Speaker
And what happens when instead of getting that gut punch, when instead we give our brain what it wants, which is to connect with our beloved when we leave the house, whether or not they're here. This is the picture I used to have by my front and back door after Arnie transitioned. This is the one.
00:37:54
Speaker
And I had it there and I would give him a little love boop, a nose boop. And I would say, bye, sweetie. I love you. No parties while I'm gone. see you when I get back every single time. And I would greet him with the same schmoopy poopy nicknames I'd always say when I was coming in the house when I come home.
00:38:07
Speaker
And that's how I got to connect with him when I left, when I came home and keep my brain in the routine that it wanted. And the funny thing is most people just stop doing all those rituals and routines the second their beloved transitions because they don't know to keep doing it. They don't know that's a good idea.
00:38:24
Speaker
And so my clients, when we work on this and I start giving my clients all these different, you know, ideas for how to do this with everything, they're like, oh gosh, my brain, it just feels like I was in the desert and now I got to drink a water.
00:38:36
Speaker
and it feels so much better to your brain because you're not getting that gut punch effect. I call it the clobber. You're not getting clobbered by that anymore, number one. And number two, you start to build new rituals.
00:38:47
Speaker
So for example, if every time you know you were cooking in the kitchen, um you always like cut a little piece of whatever you were working on it and and gave it to your dog, um you can still go ahead and cut that piece. And you can put that piece aside or you can put it in a little bowl and you can say, there's your portion, babe, love you.
00:39:02
Speaker
It actually feels better because now you make that connection. Now you take that moment to to think about them. So this is a principle that I encourage people to do across every aspect of their routine.
Deciding on New Pets After Loss
00:39:12
Speaker
you're Okay, so your beloved isn't here to go on the walks anymore.
00:39:16
Speaker
go on Go on the walk. Take their leash or collar with you. Put on a playlist of their theme songs and and go on that walk. Talk to them. Spend that time with them. You can still do a lot of things with your beloved. and even if they're not physically here.
00:39:30
Speaker
And it helps your brain and it creates rituals and it's very, very supportive for grief. That's why it's so early in the book because it's something i want to make sure everybody knows. yeah you know right february and As you're talking about this, because both of mine are here and you're saying about all these, I'm like getting all emotional. You know, it's like I'm already even, I start feeling anticipatory grief without it even They're both healthy. And I already even feel that way.
00:39:52
Speaker
And with one of my kids, when we got our second one, he was so upset. And I'm like, I don't understand. Why are you? i needed to understand. Like, why are you so upset that we're going to get another dog? Like, and, um, and then he said, because now it's not just one. I have to think about it's like, just,
00:40:17
Speaker
That and it just like, i was like, oh my gosh, I would have, you know, and I'm like, honey, we cannot not like, we can't not not love someone just because we're afraid of losing them.
00:40:32
Speaker
You know, we, and we had experienced the grief of my mom. And so I think of my mom's passing. And so I think he already could know what that was when the, so the, the thinking, and a lot of times people don't end up getting that, you know, pet and that companion in their life because they know that eventually they'll also have to say goodbye, but to miss out on the love. Yeah.
00:40:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Well, the love, the gifts, the guidance, the lessons, the teachings, the inspirations. So many things. So many things. Yeah. But listen, it's very hard to go through these losses. A lot of people come to me on the first day and say, I'm never having another beloved it in my life again. I'm like, that's fine with me. I'm not going to push you or rush you on that. And, you know, most most people I work with end up having more animals because they're amazing guardians. That's why they're coming to me in the first place.
00:41:20
Speaker
But that that can take a long time and require a lot of healing and and feeling really ready. It's a huge topic with a lot of my clients. When am I ready? How do I know when? And that's ah that's a big, a heavy decision on people's minds. So um when you've been through a big loss, it's okay to take some time and to be a
Finding Gratitude in Time Spent with Pets
00:41:37
Speaker
little apprehensive. And, you know, my my mentor, Marian, always ah says your goodbye begins on day one.
00:41:43
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And she's like, that's so uncomfortable. she marry Marianne always says, you know, that's an uncomfortable thing to think about when you adopt your puppy or your kitten or your bunny and, you know, your horse.
00:41:53
Speaker
But it starts now. And I think it's empowering. Like when I think about your son, you know, it's really empowering to know that, that this time is finite. We are likely to outlive our beloved. So let's make the most of every day.
00:42:08
Speaker
Let's have gratitude for every day. I love you know Thank you. Thank you, Arnie, for another day. Thank you, Zelda, for another day. you know and it's powerful to be able to acknowledge it because when we know that our time is short with them, because it is, i wish they could live forever, um it it makes it all that more meaningful to ah to you know be grateful for every day.
00:42:30
Speaker
And to continue that bond, like you said, it doesn't end also with their transition. It continues. And all the lessons that we learned and that connection can continue from beyond. So that is just so important. Thank you so much, Beth, for that.
00:42:45
Speaker
Beth, let's talk about where people can get the book. So what it it was recently it has is risk recently released. So where are the best places that people can get honoring our animals?
00:42:58
Speaker
anywhere you buy books. You can get the book at your local independent bookstore. You can get it at bookshop.org. Of course, it's available Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart.
00:43:08
Speaker
It's available in the in the United States and Canada. It's also in the United Kingdom and Australia. So everywhere, of the the big English-speaking countries. So anywhere you want to get it go ahead and pick it up.
00:43:21
Speaker
I love it. I love it. And it is so beautiful. It is like a perfect gift that you can give someone as well when they've just had this major um loss in their life. And so it's a beautiful, beautiful book.
Beth's Resources and Community Support
00:43:35
Speaker
And you could see it, of course, as we share on our Instagram accounts.
00:43:39
Speaker
Now, how can people find you sure connect with you? Because I know you have a lot of different things you offer as aside from counseling and then your Instagram account. So please share. Yeah, well, I have so much to offer.
00:43:51
Speaker
If you are a social media fan, come over to Instagram. We have an amazing, vibrant Instagram community. I post daily original content with tips and ideas and empowerment and support. I also have a lot of live events. One of the events I do every single month, I have a live memorial service where I read the names of beloveds who've transitioned, regardless of how long it's been since their transition. And I read our guardians' names next to their beloved's name.
00:44:14
Speaker
It's a beautiful time to reflect each month about all of our loss and about your beloved. So ah on my Instagram, you can learn learn more about that. You can also ah check out my website, honoringouranimals.com.
00:44:27
Speaker
I have a lot of resources there available. I have free downloads and different topics. And you can learn more about what it's like to work with me. I do work with people one-to-one or as as couples or families. I also work with people in a small cohort groups, which is another really amazing way to connect. So If you're looking for some deeper support, feel free to ah to reach out through my website, and I'd love to chat with you to see if we might be a fit to work together.
00:44:51
Speaker
also have a free weekly newsletter, and this is a really nice way to just kind of get ah a bolt of inspiration each Wednesday. ah when my When my newsletter goes out, I cover both anticipatory grief and post-loss grief in the newsletter, and um many people find that super supportive as they're grieving.
00:45:08
Speaker
Thank you so much, Beth. Beth, is there something I have not asked you that you want to make sure that you tell the audience or any other inspiration or thoughts about it?
00:45:20
Speaker
I just always like to remind people that if you are grieving right now, regardless of how long it's been or how it happened, remember that your feelings are valid. Your grief is profound and real. You are not alone. You are seen and witnessed and heard by me.
00:45:34
Speaker
And, um, if you can give your gift ah If you can give yourself one gift, it would be to bring so much self-compassion to your own pain around this.
00:45:46
Speaker
ah You are not overreacting. You are not too much. You are not being extra. You are experiencing a massive loss. Please be kind to yourself and be as kind to yourself as your beloved has always been to you.
00:46:00
Speaker
perfect words again this was Beth Bigler you can find her at honoring our animals and with the same title is her book so thank you once again for being a beautiful insightful guest thanks Gandra
00:46:21
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:46:34
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:46:50
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:47:03
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.